


into the blue and sunny morn'

by laminy



Series: and the night followed day, and the story tellers say [1]
Category: American (US) Actor RPF, Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blow Jobs, Depression, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, M/M, Minor Character Death, POV Alternating, Past Abuse, Science Fiction, Slow Burn, Space Stations, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Thoughts of Self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2019-11-09 08:51:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 356,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17998745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laminy/pseuds/laminy
Summary: In 1939, Gwilym Lee and Rami Malek are crew members of Project Mercury. Its mission: to find a new home in the event that theirs is destroyed in the oncoming war. They say goodbye to their loved ones with the promise that they'll be back in a year.In 2039, Project Mercury returns home, devastated to discover that what was only a year for them was 100 years on Earth. Ben Hardy and Joe Mazzello are part of the team assigned to help the crew members adjust to their new lives alone, without everyone they ever knew.





	1. Chapter 1

Gwilym smiles at the sight before him, reaching out to run his fingers through Roger’s cropped hair, watching it catch the light in the early sunlight streaming through their window.

Roger groans softly and reaches up to gently bat Gwilym’s fingers away, then tugs at the sheets until they’re over his head, trying to hide away from the world.

Gwilym chuckles and pulls the sheets down, watching Roger’s face grimace as the sun hits him. “Morning,” he says quietly, moving closer to Roger, reaching out to play with his hair again.

“No,” Roger says, trying to roll away from Gwil, but Gwilym wraps his arms around him, pulling Roger into his chest. “It can’t be, not yet.”

Gwilym swallows hard; he can feel his stomach start to turn, and a lump start to grow in his throat. They said they wouldn’t do this; Roger said _he_ wouldn’t do this. But, Gwil guesses, that’s easier said than done, especially now that the day is finally here, and they have to face it. “I’m sorry, Rog,” Gwilym says, burying his face in Roger’s neck, taking a deep breath. 

Roger squeezes him tightly, clutching at Gwilym. He pushes him back onto the bed, and lays down on Gwil’s chest, eyes squeezed shut so his tears don’t spill out. “Please don’t,” he says softly, voice soft against Gwilym.

Gwilym squeezes his eyes closed, trying to fight against his own tears. He starts running his fingers up and down Roger’s spine, trying to soothe his boyfriend _and_ himself. He doesn’t want their last morning together to be like this. They promised it wouldn’t be. “I love you,” he says quietly, and he can hear how close his voice is to breaking; he’s on the verge of tears. 

“Don’t _go_ ,” Roger pleads softly, and Gwil can feel the hot wet of Roger’s tears on his skin, having finally spilled over. “I can’t lose you,” he says, sniffling.

“It’s not forever,” Gwilym assures him, holding Roger’s head to his chest, pushing his fingers through his hair. “I promise, it’s not. It’s not goodbye.”

Roger lifts his head to look at him, his big blue eyes filled with tears, and Gwilym has to bite down on his lip to keep from crying out. “I love you,” Roger says, and he surges forward, pressing his lips to Gwil’s.

Gwilym holds Roger against him, their mouths moving together. As they kiss, Gwil can feel his own tears spill over, rolling down his cheeks. Roger pushes himself up a bit, holding Gwilym’s face between his hands, starting to desperately move against him. “Hey, hey,” Gwilym says, pulling apart, chuckling softly as Roger tries to follow his mouth and keep kissing him. “Hey, slow down, okay? We still have a little time.”

Roger sniffles and glances over at the clock on their nightstand. “Are you sure?” he asks, reaching up to wipe at his face.

Gwilym smiles and nods, leaning in to give Roger a kiss, much slower and sweeter this time. “I’m sure, love. I promise.”

Roger sniffles again and smiles weakly, taking a deep shaky breath. He wants to beg Gwilym not to go, to just stay in bed with him for the rest of the day and for forever, but he can’t. They’ve had this conversation, over and over. He knows this is the best he can hope for. He looks away from him, squeezing his eyes shut again. It’s taking everything he has to not start sobbing in Gwilym’s arms. He starts taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. This isn’t how he wants Gwil to remember him for the next year, and he doesn’t want to make him feel any more guilty for leaving than he already does.

Gwilym pulls Roger in, holding him against his chest, starting to shush him softly.

“I’m sorry,” Roger says, trying to just stay focused on Gwilym, still there with him, in his arms. “I’m sorry, I know I said I’d be alright, but— but it’s like it wasn’t really real until now. You’re leaving. God, I wish you weren’t leaving.” His tears spill over and he shakes against Gwilym as he sobs.

Gwilym sniffles, squeezing his eyes shut. His own heart is breaking, he knows exactly how Roger is feeling, how scared and alone. As the days have counted down, he’s felt more on edge, like he was on the verge of tears and about to break down at any moment. Homesick for a place he hasn’t even left yet. He’s unbelievably torn. Of _course_ he doesn’t want to leave Roger, he’d be foolish to, but he’s also never been more excited about something in his entire life. Scared, nervous, yes, but Gwilym knows that what he and the rest of the BIS are setting off to do could change everything for the better. He’s doing this _for_ Roger, in a way. So that they can have a chance at a real future, in a better world. It’s only April, but the growing consensus, if not in the general public then at least in the government, is that this year is going to be one of the most trying periods in British history.

Based on everything he’s heard so far, if 1939 doesn’t end in bloodshed, Gwilym will be shocked. He can only hope that Project Mercury isn’t too late to help, if it does.

“I don’t know what to say, Rog,” Gwilym admits softly. “I’m not happy to leave you, love, I’m not. I’m going to miss you every day that I’m gone, but then I’ll come back, and we’ll be together forever, yeah? It’ll go by so fast, just think about that. We’ve been together so long, and it still feels like we met yesterday. You won’t even have a chance to miss me; before you know it, I’ll be home. And you’ll be just as sick of me then as you are now.” He laughs softly, trying to lighten the mood to comfort him. He’s trying to comfort himself, too. He doesn’t even believe what he’s saying, but to make Roger feel even just a _little_ bit better, he’d say or do anything.

Roger doesn’t reply, and for awhile the only sound in their small bedroom are his sniffles, and the gentle motion of Gwilym running his hands up and down Roger’s back. There’s the noise of cars and people on the street below their flat, even as early as it is, and if Gwilym pauses he thinks he can hear the quiet pitter-patter of the cat in the kitchen.

Gwilym would almost think Roger’s fallen back asleep, if it weren’t for Roger gently playing with his hair, lightly tugging it and curling it around his fingers. He steals a glance over at the clock, and his stomach aches. He’s supposed to report to the Council Hall in only a couple of hours. He doesn’t want to tell Roger to get off him, he doesn’t want to stop touching him at all, but if he doesn’t get a move on soon, he’s going to be late. He’s never been late, and he certainly can’t start today. Rami would never let him hear the end of it. That’s all he needs for the next year.

“Rog,” Gwilym says quietly, starting to shift under him, but Roger just looks up at him. “I’ve got to—”

Roger leans forward, tilting his head to brush his lips against Gwil’s. “I thought you said we had time,” he says softly, pulling back just enough to meet his eyes. “Just one last time?” he asks, and then kisses him again.

Gwilym takes a deep breath and then smiles, nodding. He pushes his fingers through Roger’s hair, pulling him in. “Always time for you,” he murmurs softly against his lips, though he’s desperately trying not to think about the fact that time is actually running out.

\+ + + + +

Gwilym stares ahead, eyes unfocused, as the truck bounces along the gravel road. It’s over an hour from Perth to the centre, and it’s always uncomfortable. It’s worse today. The typical playful mood, telling loud stories and lewd jokes to distract themselves as they bounce up and down on the potholes, has faded to something more sombre. Almost no one is speaking; if they are, it’s only quietly to the person sitting next to them. When Gwilym had reported for duty at the Council Hall, Rami had commented on the red mark just visible beneath Gwilym’s collar, but Gwilym hadn’t said anything in return, for fear of his voice breaking and bursting into tears. He hasn’t said anything at all since telling Roger goodbye on the street outside their flat.

Rami’s sitting next to him, their shoulders occasionally knocking against each other with the bumps in the road, but he sits quietly, hands folded on his lap. He just stares down at them, twisting his fingers together. He wants to speak up, wants to ask Gwilym about Roger and how he was when he left him this morning, but he thinks Gwil made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to talk about it. He will, though; pretty soon they’ll have almost nothing to do but talk. Rami turns his head and looks up at Gwilym, who’s still staring at the opposite wall of the truck. Rami sighs and then looks down, out of the corner of his eye seeing light catching on metal. Gwilym’s twisting a ring around his pinky finger, a ring that Rami’s never seen before. He looks up at Gwilym again and then reaches out, resting his hand on his.

Gwilym jumps a bit, as if just realizing that Rami is beside him. He looks down at their hands, and sighs.

“Roger’s?” Rami asks, lightly touching the ring, and Gwilym just nods furiously, head dropping forward. Rami shifts on the bench seat and reaches out, wrapping his arm around Gwilym’s shoulders, pulling him in a bit. 

“I’m sorry,” Gwilym says softly, and Rami just shakes his head.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Rami assures him. “It’s hard, I know that.”

Gwilym lifts his head, meeting Rami’s eyes. “I didn’t even— how’s Sami?” he asks, sniffling.

Rami smiles, taking his arm away from Gwil’s shoulders. “He’s alright,” he replies. “He’s been trying to get rid of me for years. Actually, he said he’s excited for when we come back and become famous, so that he can go around telling everybody it was actually _him_ that went.”

Gwilym chuckles softly, reaching up to wipe at his face. “Would never work. You’re _much_ more handsome.”

“That’s what _I_ said!” Rami says, and he laughs loudly. “I think he’s happy, though. For me. For us. Proud.”

“Of course he is,” Gwilym replies. “He should be.”

“Plus, he’s proud of himself,” Rami continues, smiling. “He thinks he’s so special because of the tests they’re running on him. I’m not sure what sort of egomaniac I’ll be coming back to.” He chuckles softly and sighs, settling back in his seat. An uneasy silence falls over them, as the weight of what they’re about to do hits them again. They’re leaving their families behind. Rami, who’s never spent more than a week away from his brother, isn’t going to see him for a whole year. He knows he’ll miss him, but the question is, how much, and for how long? They’ve always lived together; Sami followed him from London to Perth when Rami needed to start the final phase of mission-training. Will he wake up in the night on the ship, wondering where he is? Or will he adjust quickly? Rami sighs, frowning. So much is still unknown.

Gwilym’s stomach is in knots again, and he feels like being sick. His nerves, the stress, and the bumpy road are a horrible combination. He just reaches out, placing his hand on Rami’s knee to try to give him some semblance of comfort. They don’t speak again for the rest of the drive.

\+ + + + +

The forest opens up to the BIS Space Operations Centre, a series of low, grey buildings, almost indistinguishable from bomb shelters, nondescript, nothing outside to indicate what the BIS workers inside are preparing for. Nothing except a flag flying with the symbol of Project Mercury, and of course the cosmodrome a mile in the distance, where the ship itself sits, waiting. There are small vehicles driving all over the place, back and forth from the launch pad to the control centre, carrying employees who are doing their final checks, making final preparations, ensuring that everything is just how it’s supposed to be and where. There’s actually little work that the crew themselves have to do right now, all the final preparations being done by someone else who will be staying behind.

As Gwilym and Rami and the others climb out of the truck, approaching BIS, Gwilym swallows hard, glancing over at his friend. They didn’t know each other before they signed on with the BIS, had never even met; now Gwilym couldn’t imagine doing this without him. 

Almost three years ago, Gwilym and Roger were living together in Cardiff, where Gwilym worked in the biology department at the university, while Rami was in London, studying engineering and training with the Territorial Army as part of the volunteer reserves. Then Gwilym received a letter at the university from the BIS, inviting him to London. He met Rami in week one of basic training, and they stuck together through every training cycle since. A year-and-a-half ago, when Project Mercury was approved, and Gwil, Rami, and eighteen others were officially assigned to it, they began Increment-Specific Training. Gwilym became the crew expert in astrobotany, and Rami was one of two crew members specifically trained in avionics. The BIS also put Rami’s military experience to use, and he’s expected to enter combat, if and when the journey requires it. Gwilym knows Rami is enthusiastic about the work he’ll be doing in avionics, but far less so at the idea of having to fight while they’re away. Gwil also knows that he’s worried they’ll be coming back to war in a year, and he’ll be forced to join that fight too.

“What do you think?” Gwilym asks, studying Rami as they make their way into the first building. This part of the centre is usually quiet, it’s more administrative than anything else, an entryway to the rest of the complex, but today, even the staff here are loudly buzzing and bustling about. 

Rami glances over at Gwil, giving him a crooked smile. “I think this is going to either be the longest year of our lives, or the shortest. Not sure yet.”

Gwilym smiles back nervously, and nods. “Guess we’ll have to see when we get back,” he says, and he reaches out to clasp onto Rami’s shoulder.

They walk through the building, heading downstairs to down a long, concrete hallway that leads them upstairs into the next building. It mostly consists of crew quarters and the meal hall; it’s where they stayed when their training required them to be at the centre for longer periods of time that prevent them from returning to their flats in Perth. The expectation is that they’ll all board the Mercury fed, showered, and shaved, if necessary. Gwilym isn’t looking forward to that part, mostly because Rami’s been teasing him about it ever since the orders came down a couple weeks ago. There was no specific reason given; no rules that state Gwilym and the other men can’t grow their beards back out once they’re actually on board. The consensus seems to be that Flight Director Garrick just thinks beards are unprofessional, and doesn’t want them to ruin the photo op. Rami’s joked that Garrick is just envious, and doesn’t want anyone to look better than him today.

They disappear into their rooms, expected to take no longer than 20 minutes before they’re ordered to appear in the meal hall, where they’ll be served Cullen skink, haggis and potato pie, and bread and butter pudding. It’s entirely too Scottish for Gwil’s tastes, and he knows most of the crew would prefer to have a choice of what to eat, but though the crew members come from all over Britain, the workers in the meal hall are local to the area, and the meal is what they chose.

Rami looks up from his tray as Gwilym makes his way across the meal hall to him, holding his own food. Rami slowly smiles, and then starts to laugh as he studies Gwilym’s face. “You look like a child,” Rami says, and Gwilym sighs as he sits down.

“I know,” Gwilym replies, picking up his spoon.

“Honestly, you look about ten years younger,” Rami continues, and he laughs as he starts eating the soup, shaking his head. 

“I’m growing it back as soon as we get out of here,” Gwilym replies. “I feel ridiculous.” He reaches up, rubbing his hand over the smooth skin. He’s had a beard for years now, even since before he met Roger. He doesn’t know why Garrick made the call but he’s annoyed. If Roger could see him right now, he’d probably whine with disappointment, and make a joke about going off to find someone else who doesn’t look about nine years old. Roger really is the worst tease. It makes Gwil’s heart ache to think about it.

Usually, the meal hall is filled with all the BIS employees who are on duty that day, but today, it’s just the twenty of them, sitting quietly, having what feels depressingly like a final meal. They’ve spoken with counsellors and therapists, having been theoretically prepped for the possibility that something could wrong on the mission. Even if something doesn’t go wrong for all of them, it could still go wrong for _someone_. When Project Mercury was first approved and they were all assigned, there were discussions of the twenty of them having preventative appendectomies, but it was quickly rejected by the medical crew, who thought the entire idea was ridiculous. Gwilym and Rami were both not-so-secretly relieved; they’d have surgery if and when, not a second before.

Gwilym knows they could die. They all do, though it’s not something they talk about. Gwilym also knows that they could die here, and if things get worse, they just might, so forgive him if he doesn’t worry about his organs hypothetically rupturing when there’s plenty of crew members around him who are trained to handle just that sort of situation. They all even watched films of people performing surgeries on themselves, but Gwil’s pretty sure he’d want to die anyway before it came to that.

Gwilym sighs, pushing his tray of food away. He didn’t finish the soup. He tried the pie, which normally he can’t get enough of, but it just tasted sour in his mouth. He can’t even contemplate eating the pudding. He knows the director wants them well-fed before they step on board, but he knows that’s not happening. He looks around at his crew mates; some of them, like Rami, seem to be eating normally; others, like him, have pushed their trays away, looking slightly ill. Gwilym just sits, watching Rami and the others, until the bell goes off, signalling meal time is over. They all push their chairs back, for a moment the room is loud, too loud, but then they fall silent again as they head towards the door. They head downstairs again, and walk in another underground hallway to the next building, where they head up the stairs to the main boardroom of the BIS. Besides Chamberlain, George VI, Elizabeth, and their two daughters, everyone else there is BIS staff, even the photographer, who Gwilym recognizes.

The existence of the BIS isn’t classified, not at all. The headquarters in Westminster is clearly marked and even listed in the phone book. Same with the smaller branches, like the one in Perth. It’s no secret who they work for. But knowledge about Project Mercury is need-to-know, and Chamberlain and everybody else agreed that _very_ few people need to know. Immediate family of the crew members, and higher-ups in the government. Gwil’s honestly surprised to see the princesses there; he’d almost think they were too young to be able to trust. 

Outwardly, the BIS is just a space advocacy group, a non-profit largely financed by the contributions of its members, with some funding provided by the government. Their stated mission is to support and promote space exploration, not actually _do_ it.

But the funding for Project Mercury is hidden somewhere in the government’s budget, spread out across multiple other projects, mostly military expenditures, but also more pedestrian endeavours, like road maintenance. Public knowledge of it is zero. That’s the entire point, to ensure that the Germans don’t find out about it. Rami and Gwil were invited to come work for the BIS almost immediately after the remilitarization of the Rhineland three years prior. One of Chamberlain’s first acts was to approve Project Mercury, in preparation for the war they all saw coming, and for the possibility that Germany will invade Britain. Nobody with German heritage, or anyone who’s ever even been there, has been allowed to work with the BIS since 1937. There is a plan for revealing the project to the public once they return; they’ve all been briefed on that, to know what to expect when they arrive home. There’s a back-up plan for what to do if they don’t; Gwilym doesn’t want to know what that one entails, and nobody seems willing to share it with them anyway.

They pose for their photo, the twenty crew members, Flight Director Garrick, Chamberlain, and the royal family. Gwilym can’t help but wonder where this photo will sit for the next year, how it would be explained if anybody outside the BIS saw it. How it will be used if they don’t make it back.

George wishes them all well, and says he hopes to have them for tea in a year. Chamberlain makes a speech about how history will remember them, the score brave souls heading out into the sky, during which Gwilym can feel Rami impatiently tapping his foot. The princesses give them each a flower that they apparently picked from the grounds of Buckingham Palace; Gwilym smiles at Margaret as he bows to her.

Garrick leads them out of the boardroom in single file, letting them all shake Chamberlain’s hand as they go by. Gwilym’s eyes fall on their bags, neatly piled against the wall. They stay in their line to grab them, slinging them over their backs. Their spare uniforms are already on board, waiting for them in their quarters. The bags are what they packed themselves, personal items, books, whatever they wanted. Roger gave him a photo of the two of them together, and a journal, blank except for the note that Roger wrote for him on the first page. His mother sent him a new jumper she knitted, and his siblings all wrote a letter to him, tucked inside a copy of _Blue Moons_ , one of his sister’s favourite books. 

Gwilym knows Rami has a collection of Hercule Poirot books in his bag; he finds them entertaining to read over and over, even though he knows the solution. He also knows that Sami gave Rami a copy of a play, something called _Ahl al-Kahf_ , by an Egyptian writer. Gwilym had flipped through the pages when he saw it on Rami’s desk once, running his fingers over the words he couldn’t even begin to understand. Rami explained to him it was about a group of seven young men who hid in a cave to escape the Romans and fell asleep; when they woke up, they thought it had only been a day, but in reality, they’d been gone for 300 years. Gwilym thought it sounded interesting, and asked Rami to read it to him. Rami told him to learn Arabic and read it himself. Gwil wonders if a year is enough time for that or not.

They walk out of the building in single file, where three transport vans are waiting to carry them down the road to the ship. Gwilym and Rami make sure to climb in together, bags resting at their feet.

Rami twists in his seat, watching out the window as they approach the ship. “Are you scared?” he asks softly, glancing over at Gwilym.

Gwilym swallows hard, looking out the window. He can see BIS staff members milling around the grounds, starting to line up at the staircase that will take the crew up to the access platform built around the ship. “Are you?” he asks.

Rami takes a deep breath, fogging up the window. The truck comes to a stop, and the doors open. Rami grabs his bag and looks back at Gwilym as he climbs out. “Doesn’t matter now, does it?” 

Gwilym grabs his bag, following after him. He sees Flight Director Garrick, other flight controllers, and backup crew members. All the crew members fall in line in order of rank; Gwilym is further back than Rami, as engineering officers taking precedent over science officers. Their commander, Eastaughffe, takes the lead, and quietly speaks to Garrick before he starts up the stairs. 

As Rami takes his first step, he glances back at Gwilym, gripping the handrail tightly.

Gwilym gives him as much of a smile as he can muster, and nods him ahead encouragingly. Rami looks slightly relieved, nods in response, and turns back around. When it’s his turn, Gwilym feels Garrick’s hand pat him on the shoulder. Gwilym turns around to look at the Highlands one last time, taking in the blue and sunny sky. He takes a deep shaky breath, and steps up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> general story notes:
> 
> • VERY slow burn, and I mean it.  
> • related, the rating will be Teen and Up Audiences for most of the story, but I will change it.  
> • also related, tags will be added/updated as I go.  
> • Rami's nationality is the only one that has changed for the story; instead of Egyptian-American, he is British-Egyptian. I hope that that isn't offensive to anyone, but it made more sense for the story, as Rami is working/living in Britain when it starts.  
> • my goal is for this to make sense (yes, research was done, and I try to explain everything as best as I can), but the science is not the point of the story. I majored in history, not STEM. Past the first few chapters, this is a story about friendship, depression, love, and healing.  
> • the first few chapters are very much world-building: there's a lot of explaining Project Mercury, the BIS/IIS, introducing characters who work there, but a lot of that will fall away once the story is established, and it will become much more about the four main characters specifically.


	2. Chapter 2

Gwilym settles down on his small mattress, pressing his back against the wall. He wraps his arms around one of his pillows, snuggling against it. When they first took up residence on the Mercury, he was a little unimpressed by the size of the bed; sure, he figured it wouldn’t be _huge_ , but Gwil’s also the tallest member of the crew, he needs a little more. But as the days and weeks went on, he felt like it was probably for the better that his bed wasn’t too big. Too big, and it’d feel even lonelier without Roger there to snuggle with. Though he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t dragged Rami into his room a couple nights early on in the voyage, just to use him as a human pillow. Rami was pretty okay with it, all things considered.

Gwilym sighs and pushes himself up, reaching over to his small bedside table. It’s where his personal journal sits, the one without any scientific data or notes, the one that Roger gave him with a photo of the two of them tucked inside. He flips it open to the first page, filled with the messy scrawl of Roger’s handwriting.

‘ _My darling Gwil,_

_There is nothing more I want but to have you with me constantly. The sadness when I learned you’d be leaving, it’s still nothing compared to the happiness when we’re together. I write this to you thinking of the night when I first saw you at the City Arms, in the pouring rain, and how beautiful you were when you smiled, soaked to the bone._

_I hope for many things, too many to list, but more than anything, I hope you return to me safely. I suppose you’re right, what is a year when after that you have me forever._

_All my love eternally._

_Your own,_

_Rog_ '

It’s been _so_ long since Gwil has heard from him, or anyone from the BIS. The Mercury unexpectedly lost communication with the Space Operations Centre only a few days after take-off. It was a massive shock to all of them; the plan had always been for the crew be in regular contact with home, their loved ones, Flight Director Garrick. Rami, plus the other avionics expert and the communications officers, had continuously worked on trying to get the system back online, but nothing happened. Every other system continued to operate normally; navigation, oxygen, lighting. So they continued on, but it had been a difficult decision, knowing that they were pushing ahead without the support they’d expected. Gwilym’s not sure if he still would’ve said yes to the mission if he’d known that the _only_ people he’d be talking to for a year were the other crew members. If he knew that he’d be leaving home completely alone.

The first few weeks on board the Mercury, thinking about how he couldn’t see Roger or hear his voice, just looking at the words made him sob. Gwilym has stopped crying whenever he reads the letter, but it still breaks his heart every time. He sighs, running his fingers over the ink. He glances down at his hand, catching sight of Roger’s ring. He smiles and gives it a twist, as he always does when he thinks of Roger.

He wonders what it will be like to return home to him, after people actually know who he is and he’s not just a professor from Bristol. He and Rog aren’t exactly subtle about their relationship to the people they’re closest to, which is mostly just Rami and their families, what with living together and all. Most of the other crew members have guessed at it, but they’ve all sworn they would never say anything. He suspects that Garrick suspects something, but that he’s willing to overlook it for the sake of the mission’s success.

Gwilym wonders if it will be easier; if he can be an example to British society that they shouldn’t be sentenced to hard labour or imprisoned. They can contribute, be normal, just like everyone else. He’ll surely be seen as a leading scientist when he returns, having been entrusted with such a large part of Britain’s future. And he managed to do it all while being in love with a man. That should count for something, right? Or maybe it will just be harder. Maybe nothing will change at all, and with all eyes on him, he and Roger will have to be even more careful. Perhaps Project Mercury would just be seen as a joke if everyone knew about Gwil, all of his findings dismissed or ignored.

Gwilym slips the photo of him and Roger out from between the pages. Gwil’s sister took it of them during the St. David’s Day celebration in Cardiff, their first year together. They’re sat on the banks of the Taff, in wool jackets and cozy jumpers; Roger’s got his glasses on, and they’re smiling at each other, not the camera. They have other photos of them together (Roger is far too selfish to give Gwilym the _only_ one), but this has always been Gwil’s favourite. It was the first photo of them taken together, and when Gwil saw it, he was a little taken aback. It was the first time he realized how obviously in love he looks when he looks at Roger. _This_ is how happy they look together? He couldn’t believe it. He still can’t, really. Honestly, it’s quite sickening.

Gwilym smiles and feels a bit like a childish schoolgirl as he brings the photo up to his mouth, giving it a quick kiss before slipping it back into the journal. He immediately looks around his room, as if somehow Rami has slipped in without him noticing and is ready to start mocking him immediately. 

Whenever he does, Gwilym just rolls his eyes and tells Rami that soon enough, he’ll find someone too, someone who’s going to make him smile and laugh like a proper idiot, and then he’ll get it. Rami just shrugs it off with an awkward smile, and then goes right back to teasing them. 

He isn’t sure if Rami’s really looking for someone, if he’s lonely or not. He seems happy enough to just live with Sami and spend his free time with Gwil and Rog. Gwil thinks maybe he’s just waiting until they come home to find someone. Maybe he’s fine on his own, too. Gwilym laughs to himself. He imagines that after they get back home, Rami’s just going to want to spend even _more_ time with him and Roger, not less. Rami’s getting too used to having him around.

 _That’s alright, though_ , Gwil thinks. He’ll need a few days alone with Roger, but after that, he’ll be more than happy to spend as much time with Rami and Sami as they want. Rami’s like a brother to him now too, and he loves him to death. An annoying brother, but a brother nonetheless, Gwil smiles.

\+ + + + +

The humming in the ship briefly grows louder, before it suddenly stops. Gwilym lifts his head up from his work, holding his breath to listen. He knows exactly what it is, and he’s not surprised. The Mercury has fallen out of warp speed as it begins its approach to Earth. It’s just odd; they’d been traveling so fast for so long, now that the noise of the warp engine has disappeared, he almost misses it. It makes the ship feel almost eery and empty. He smiles faintly to himself, though. Dropping out of warp means that they’re only days away from home now, back in their solar system. So close.

Gwilym settles back in his chair, examining the plant in front of him, making note of its height in his journal, before taking a closer look at the soft fruit itself. It’s one of his smaller samples; that’s why he can keep it on his desk instead of down in the laboratory itself, where the larger samples are stored. The berry is a mustard yellow colour, about the size of a grape. He knows from experience now that at this stage, they’re a little on the bitter side, but they grow to be much sweeter. It had taken a lot of careful testing on Luyten before any of the crew were willing to actually try it, until finally Gwilym had volunteered. Since he was the one responsible for testing the plant life, if any crew member should be hurt by one of his mistakes, it should be him. Also, losing the astrobotanist wouldn’t be _biggest_ loss to the crew; they could still get home without him. Once they’d realized he was fine and the berry was safe, Rami had eagerly run back out to grove to grab as many as he could carry, excited to try something new.

After awhile of making notes, there’s a knock at his door, and Gwilym looks up from his work. “Come in!” he calls, pushing his chair back a bit.

The door slides open, and he sees Rami standing there, a grin on his face. 

“What?” Gwilym asks, looking at him expectantly, but Rami just keeps smiling and shakes his head. Gwilym frowns; he can see that Rami is bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, and his smile is so big it must be hurting his face. Something is definitely happening. “What’s going on?” he asks, standing up. He thought that Rami was there to tell him that they’d dropped out of warp, but Gwil knew that. And it wouldn’t make Rami _this_ excited.

“You’ll never believe it,” Rami says, and he reaches out to grab Gwilym’s wrist, starting to tug him into the hall. 

“ _What_?” Gwilym asks, letting himself be dragged along. He knows it must be something _huge_ , as there’s little cause for excitement on the ship these days. It’s been months since they left Luyten, and started heading back towards Earth. There isn’t anything that should be exciting now, unless…

“Rami, what’s going on?” Gwilym asks, stopping in the hallway. “Tell me.”

Rami looks up at him, beaming. “Why tell you when I can show you?” he asks, and he starts tugging on Gwilym’s wrist again. Rami drags him into the lift, and as they get carried up to the bridge, Rami keeps bouncing up and down excitedly, looking over at Gwilym. 

Gwilym thinks there’s only thing it could be that’s got Rami _this_ excited, but he can’t bring himself to say it. He can’t let himself say it and have Rami tell him that he’s wrong. He wouldn’t be able to take the disappointment.

Rami and Gwilym step onto the bridge, where some of the other crew members are gathered around a large screen at the helm. The one that monitors for radio transmissions.

Gwilym swallows hard, feeling himself start to shake a bit. “What is it?” he asks, leaning over some of the others. “They’ve contacted us?”

O’Sullivan, the communications officer on duty, looks up at Gwilym, and shakes her head. “No, it’s not directed to us. I can’t tell who it’s for.”

“But it’s coming from Earth?” Gwilym confirms, trying to bite down on the inside of his lip before he bursts into a huge grin, in case he’s wrong.

O’Sullivan grins up at him, nodding. “It is. I can’t pinpoint the exact location, but it’s originating from Britain, and they’re on the BIS frequency. I don’t think they realize we’re picking them up, since they haven’t addressed us yet.”

Gwilym’s excitement fades a bit as he frowns at that, glancing at a couple of the other crew members whose area of expertise is much more technical than his, Rami included. “Is it possible that we’re back within range without them noticing us? I know we’re not expected to be back within Earth’s atmosphere for another week, but shouldn’t they be, I don’t know, looking for us?”

“We should send out a message to let them know we’re here,” Rami says. “Maybe when we lost contact, they assumed…” He trails off at that; they all know what the BIS would have assumed. What their families would have assumed. After losing contact with the BIS, the crew started keeping diaries as they traveled towards Luyten, planning on sharing them with family and the BIS once they returned. Every time Gwilym recorded himself speaking to his family, or Roger, he just hoped that they had kept the faith alive, or that somehow the BIS was still tracking them, and knew they were okay. He didn’t think he could handle it if he came home and Roger had thought he was dead for a year.

“Anyway,” Rami continues, “it doesn’t matter what they assumed. We should try sending a message, let the BIS know that our communications systems are finally back up and that we’re on track to arrive home on time, as planned.”

“So what was wrong with them?” Gwilym asks Rami.

“What do you mean?” Rami asks.

“If the systems are back up, how did you fix them?” Gwilym asks. He glances over at John, the other avionics expert, who just shakes his head.

“We didn’t,” John replies.

“We didn’t do anything differently, we just started receiving them,” O’Sullivan says. “I…” She looks around the room at the crew. “I don’t know, really. This must be as far away as our communications can work. We’re about as close to Earth now as we were when we lost contact.”

“There was no way of testing the actual range of our communications system through space until we actually took them into space,” Rami explains.

“It was all theoretical,” John continues. “Until we got up here. The math was right, it made sense down there, but…maybe the technology just wasn’t as good as our science. I mean, the communications system is the _only_ one that failed. It must have just been a problem with range that we didn’t anticipate.”

“A problem that we’ll work on fixing once we’re back down there,” Rami says. “But we’re back in range now, so…what are we going to say?” He looks over at Commander Eastaughffe, who’s been standing by, quietly listening. East does that a lot; he was picked for commander because he was most flight-experienced member of the twenty, and got along fairly well with everyone. But mostly he respects their opinions, and is willing to listen and defer to their expertise whenever he could.

“Exactly what Malek said,” East says, turning to O’Sullivan. “Project Mercury was a success, and we will re-enter Earth’s atmosphere in a few days time. Please be prepared, send further instructions if necessary.”

“Short and sweet,” John mutters.

“What are _they_ saying?” Gwilym asks suddenly. “I mean, what are we hearing? Anything important?” He swallows hard, wondering if they’re intercepting wartime messages, what clues to Earth’s current state they could be picking up.

O’Sullivan shakes her head. “Coordinates and temperatures,” she replies.

“For what?” John asks.

“I’m not sure,” she admits. “Five point four degrees south, one hundred and thirty-seven point eight degrees east.”

The entire crew turns towards Evans, the on-duty navigator, who pulls up a map of Earth on her screen, typing in the coordinates. “The Arafura Sea,” she replies after a moment, looking at them. “The Territory of Papua.”

“Minus one hundred and twenty-seven degrees celsius,” O’Sullivan continues, looking at her notes. She frowns slightly.

“Okay, so _not_ the Arafura Sea,” East says. “Or anywhere on Earth, for that matter. Clearly BIS has another project they’re working on.”

“The moon?” John suggests.

Gwilym glances around the bridge, wondering if anyone else is thinking what he’s thinking. Nobody is speaking up, so he decides to do it himself. “Unless…something’s gone wrong,” he says. 

“Something would have to go _really_ wrong, Gwil,” Rami says softly. 

“Well, they sent us away for a reason, Rami,” Gwilym points out. “Just in case something like this was to happen. That’s exactly the point of the mission. To find somewhere habitable _in case_.”

“But in just a year?” John asks. “That’d be…god, what, sixty degrees colder than Earth’s ever been recorded being, in a place that’s probably forty degrees this time of year? Is that even possible?”

“How could something like that happen?” O’Sullivan asks.

“Some sort of German attack?” Evans suggests nervously, glancing around. “A weapon we didn’t know about?”

“But what kind?” O’Sullivan persists. “What could _do_ that?”

“Stop it,” East says. “Sully, I want you to send the message I told you to send. That’s it. There’s no more talk about hypothetical German weapons until we hear back from BIS. You don’t even know if they’re talking about Earth, so I order you all to drop it.”

The rest of the crew is silent, not used to East actually, well, _commanding_ them. So far, the mission had gone so well that there was never cause for him to raise his voice like that. Yes, when they had lost all communication with Earth, there had been a lot of stress and general unease amongst the crew, but that had been the worst of it. Everything since then was smooth sailing.

“Yes, sir,” O’Sullivan says quickly, sending the message out over the BIS frequency.

“Back to your stations,” East says, and he walks over to his chair, dropping down in it.

Gwilym looks over at Rami, who’s nervously watching him back. “Come on,” Gwilym says softly, nodding his head towards the lift. They walk across the bridge together, silent until the door closes behind them and they start heading back down to the crew quarters level.

“He’s right,” Rami says. “They’re coordinates, but we don’t know for where. Maybe they sent out another ship, or a probe, and they’re just reports.”

“We should assume it’s Earth,” Gwilym says, walking down the hallway, back to his room. 

“But it’s like John said,” Rami says. “That’d be a difference of almost one hundred and eighty degrees in less than a year. That’s impossible.”

“It’s _not_ ,” Gwil says, “stop saying that. We need to be prepared for all possibilities. That could be Earth, and there could be something terribly wrong.” They step into his quarters, closing the door behind them.

“If it’s that cold in the Territory of Papua, what do you think it’s like in Britain?” Rami asks. “They’d be dead, they wouldn’t be sending _any_ messages out at all. You’re worried about nothing. Maybe she’s misinterpreting what they’re saying.”

“How?”

Rami shrugs. “Maybe it’s Fahrenheit? That’d be, what, minus ninety celsius? It could be that cold on Earth. Especially if Sully misread the coordinates. Or— or I don’t _know_ , but—”

“Rami, our families are down there,” Gwilym snaps. “Those readings don’t make sense unless something’s gone _wrong_. Something could have happened to them.”

“There’s no point in arguing about this until they respond,” Rami says. 

“What if they don’t?” Gwilym asks.

“Why wouldn’t they?” Rami asks. “They’re clearly still communicating, they’re using the same frequency as when we left. We sent them our message, give them a minute to reply! They’re not just going to ignore us. They’ve been _waiting_ for us.”

“They think we’re dead, Rami, come off it,” Gwilym says. “Nobody wants to admit it.”

“You don’t _know_ that,” Rami says. “We don’t know what data they have, or if they’re still tracking us somehow. Maybe we lost contact with them, but they didn’t lose contact with us, and they heard all of our transmissions, they’ve been monitoring our progress. And it’s still only been a year, we’re still on time. They wouldn’t declare us dead until we were late. Right?”

Gwilym sighs, collapsing onto his bed. “I don’t _know_ , Rami,” he groans, throwing his arm over his eyes. “I just— we’re on time, we’re where we’re supposed to be, so why didn’t they say something?”

Rami sits down on the edge of Gwilym’s mattress, reaching out to pat his leg. “If you worry, you suffer twice,” he says quietly. “That’s what you told me when we lost contact, right?”

Gwilym sighs, but nods. “That was different,” he replies. “I still thought you’d be able to fix it then.” He lifts his arm off his face, looking at Rami with a smile.

Rami rolls his eyes, shaking Gwilym’s leg. “You’re an ass,” he says, laughing softly. “So this is all my fault?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Gwilym says in exasperation, pushing himself up. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you this whole time, you _finally_ get it, and we’re only a week from home.”

Rami swallows hard, and the weight of what he’s said hits Gwilym. _Only a week from home_. A week, what is that? Nothing. Even less than that; if they’re in radio contact with BIS, then they’ll be hearing from Flight Director Garrick soon enough. Maybe Roger and Sami, even, or their parents. It’s been a year in space with the same twenty people, the same twenty voices. Pretty soon, they’ll have the whole of BIS and the British government knocking on their door.

Rami grins and then throws his arms around Gwilym, pulling him in, practically onto his lap. “A week!” Rami exclaims, laughing happily. “A week. God, Gwil, I— a week.”

Gwilym laughs against Rami, clapping him on the back. He can’t shake the feeling that something’s gone wrong in the time since they lost contact, that temperature transmission having scared him more than anything else they’ve encountered since they left Earth, but no matter what, they’re going home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • if I spent anymore than this chapter on their time in space, this story would end up being wayyyy too long, much longer than I'm already anticipating, and what they did out there really isn't the focus (though in later chapters, Gwil and Rami will talk about it).  
> • I know it's currently Papua New Guinea, but in 1939, it was the Territory of Papua, so that's what their maps would refer to it as, and that's how the crew would know it.  
> • the temperature/coordinates will be briefly addressed in the next chapter, it's really not important, it's just something for Gwil to worry about (since they're unaware of the time that's passed), and a way for me to introduce characters back on Earth.  
> • I don't think I said, but this story will have shifting POVs; it's not all through Gwil's eyes, though he and Ben will be the focus.  
> • plus check out my [moodboard](https://laminy.tumblr.com/post/183249158480/in-the-year-of-39-came-a-ship-in-from-the-bluel) that I spent way too much time on (for some reason finding the perfect picture of Ben was the biggest hardship of my life).


	3. Chapter 3

Joe leans back in his seat, fingers moving quickly over the keyboard as he updates the list of communications received by IIS from the Mars rover. His partner sitting at the computer on the other side of the small room updates the list of communications sent by the rover on Venus. His list is almost entirely numbers; the rover doesn’t send much back to him besides that. Latitude, longitude, temperature. Over and over. And then Joe repeats them, sending them back out into space to confirm receipt. An endless loop. Joe sighs, looking over at the map he has open next to him. His finger moves across the paper, finding the coordinates of five point four degrees south, one hundred and thirty-seven point eight degrees east, and then he makes a small note. 

This part of the job certainly isn’t the _most_ interesting part, but the schedule is the schedule. All communications officers rotate in and out of monitoring the rovers when they’re not officially assigned to a mission. And right now, there are no missions.

Suddenly there’s an unfamiliar voice in his ear, and Joe sits up suddenly. He listens to her voice, pen poised in his hand to be taking notes, but he can’t make himself start moving. _Is this for real?_ he thinks. It can’t be. Where is her voice coming from?

Joe glances back at Ottman, and then clears his throat. “This is the IIS, can you confirm your message?” he asks. He flinches when he hears a chair quickly being pushed back, and suddenly Ottman is hovering right behind him, leaning down, his hand on Joe’s shoulder.

“What are you doing?” he asks, and Joe just raises his finger to shush him as he quickly jots the message down by hand. He pushes the paper towards him, and then looks up with a shrug.

Ottman’s eyes quickly scan the message, and then he looks up, shaking his head.

Joe shrugs quickly again, and then reaches up to cover his microphone with his hand. “What do I say?” he asks quickly.

Ottman shrugs and then squeezes Joe’s shoulder. “Just— I’ll be right back!” he says, hurrying away, throwing open the door of the small rover control room, presumably to find their supervisor. Or _someone’s_ supervisor. Anyone higher than the two of them.

“Uh…” Joe looks around, swallowing nervously. “Mercury, this is the IIS, I hear your message, receipt confirmed. I…” There aren’t supposed to be any actual _people_ on the rover frequency. They’re _rovers_. Joe has no idea what to say; who the fuck is he talking to?There’s no policy for this. _Well_ , he thinks, _there probably is_. And Ben could probably recite it for him word for word. Ben probably wrote the goddamn thing.

“I am waiting for confirmation from my supervisor for next steps,” Joe says finally, a frown on his face. That doesn’t sound _too_ bad. He can’t get in too much shit for that.

“What’s the IIS?” This is from a new voice in his ear; the woman with the Irish lilt has been replaced by a man with an English accent.

Joe’s eyes narrow. “International Interplanetary Society,” he says carefully. _Who doesn’t know that?_ he wonders. Well, sure, there are definitely _people_ who don’t know that, but people who are on this frequency should sure as shit know that. How’d they get access to it otherwise? Joe lets his eyes fall over to the note he wrote down, realizing that the woman he spoke to had said BIS, not IIS. Joe glances over his shoulder, starting to feel nervous. He starts tapping his foot impatiently.

“When’d that change?” the man asks over the radio, and Joe’s mouth dries as he tries to think of the year. 1975, he thinks, but he doesn’t say it. Who the hell is he talking to that still thinks it’s the BIS?

“I guess we’ll have a lot of catching up to do, then,” the man continues, and Joe nods dumbly, as if he has any clue what the guy is talking about. Catching up on news that’s 64 years old? 

“Sorry sir,” Joe says suddenly, before he can even think to stop himself, “I’m afraid I didn’t catch your name. For the communications log. I’m speaking to…”

“Commander Eastaughffe,” the man replies, and Joe drops his pen in shock. “The woman you were speaking to earlier was Officer O’Sullivan.”

Joe stares ahead at the computer screen in front of him. He glances back at the open door, still no sign of Ottman or his supervisor. He moves the mouse and opens the browser. He swallows hard as he slowly types in Eastaughffe, and hits enter. The first result is a Wiktionary page on the etymology of the name, but the second result…

Joe clicks on the page, and is greeted by a black-and-white photo of a man wearing an old BIS uniform, wearing dark eyeglasses, looking at something off camera. May 18, 1902 — presumed to have died April 1939. A joke, surely. The Wikipedia page has a link to Project Mercury itself, and Joe clicks on it. It’s a _long_ article, but Joe scrolls down just to the Contents, where he sees a section called Prime Crew. It takes him to a small chart with two columns: position, and astronaut. Commander is first, with Eastaughffe’s name beside it. Joe scrolls a bit, and spots the name O’Sullivan. Communications Officer.

“Uh, thank you, Commander,” Joe says, voice starting to shake. “One moment, please.” Joe stands up as he pulls his headset off, tossing it to the desk. He runs out of the room, desperate to find _somebody_ to help him figure out what the actual fuck is happening now. He’s halfway down the hallway when he finally sees Ottman, with Inoue right behind him. Joe stops where he is, just shaking his head in disbelief. “Guys, what the _fuck_?” he exclaims. Inoue glares at him a little as he runs by, in a way that Joe knows means he’ll want to speak to him later, but _fuck that_ , Joe thinks. Inoue and the entire fucking place is going to be a little distracted for the time being. He turns around and starts following after them.

“What did they say?” Inoue asks. “The message exactly.”

“ _Project Mercury to BIS, ship is back in range of radio communications_ ,” Joe recites. “ _On track for expected arrival time of one week. Will proceed normally, awaiting further instructions_.”

Inoue stops by the door of the rover control room, looking back at Joe. “Project Mercury?” he repeats. “You’re sure?”

Joe nods quickly. “And sir, that’s— that’s not all.”

Inoue frowns. “What else?”

Joe takes a deep breath, bouncing up and down on his feet. “He— they— it was a woman at first, O’Sullivan. Then it was a man. Says his name’s Eastaughffe. Commander Eastaughffe. He—” Joe laughs a little. “He wanted to know when he changed the name from BIS to IIS. Said he’ll have to do some catching up.”

Inoue just shakes his head. “It’s a prank.”

“Sir, what kind of—”

“It’s a _prank_ , Mazzello,” Inoue insists. “Go see if you can track down Hartstone. If someone’s on the frequency we need to find out how they got there.”

Joe immediately frowns. He never talks to Hartstone; she’s always upstairs in an office somewhere, doing work a lot more important than recording temperatures on Mars. He’s one hundred percent sure that she has no idea who he is, and that her secretary is going to be pissed when he shows up looking for her. “Sir, wouldn’t it be better if _you_ —”

“Mazzello, get upstairs,” Inoue snaps.

“What do you want me to say?” Joe asks. “I— the message? Should I tell her what he said?”

“Tell her someone’s on the frequency and shouldn’t be,” Inoue says. “I’ll tell her the rest myself. Do _not_ tell anybody else about what you heard, Mazzello, or I swear to fucking god…”

“Got it!” Joe says quickly, giving his supervisor a thumbs up before running off towards the elevators. “Yeah, right,” he mutters, grinning. No fucking _way_.

\+ + + + +

Ben jumps back from his desk as his office door flies open. “Jesus!” he exclaims.

“Whoops,” Joe says, hurrying inside, closing the door behind him. “Don’t know my own strength,” he says, moving over to drop down heavily in the chair in front of Ben’s desk. He’s grinning, breathing hard.

“What?” Ben asks flatly. Joe just keeps grinning at him until Ben starts to find a little unnerving. “Jesus, Joe, _what_?” he asks.

Joe shakes his head. “I’m not allowed to tell. Strict orders.”

Ben rolls his eyes, going back to the thick book in front of him, trying to find where he left off. “From who?” he asks.

“Inoue,” Joe replies. That gets no reaction from Ben; of course not, Ben is used to hearing Joe complain about Inoue every day. “And Hartstone.”

Ben raises his eyebrows and lifts his head back up from the book, looking at Joe in surprise. “Hartstone? What were you doing talking to her?” he asks. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little bit interested; Hartstone is more than a little above Joe’s pay-grade. She’s less of a numbers person (which Ben knows is all Joe is dealing with right now), and more of a ‘oh shit how do we fix this’ person.

Joe shrugs. “Can’t tell.”

“Then why are you here?” Ben asks. It doesn’t surprise him that if Hartstone is involved, something is on a need-to-know basis. It also doesn’t surprise him that Joe is clearly ignoring orders by being here.

Joe leans forward in the chair, smiling at Ben. “I need your help, actually. A policy question. Figured you’d be the best guy to ask, you know. This is all hypothetical, of course.”

Ben chuckles softly, nodding his head. “Right, of course. Hypothetically, what are we talking about?”

Joe purses his lips, tapping his fingers against his chin, pretending to think for a moment. “ _Hypothetically_ ,” he says slowly, “what would the policy be for a communications officer who gets a human voice on a rover radio frequency?”

Ben’s mouth hangs open a little bit, and he stares at Joe in surprise. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just waits for Joe to continue talking. There’s never a lot of dead air in a conversation with Joe.

“I mean, say hypothetically this communications officer is just doing his— their job, taking temperatures from Mars, when a very Irish woman comes on the line and says that her ship is on track to arrive in a week?” Joe continues.

Ben lets out a long slow breath, sitting back in his chair. “A ship,” he repeats.

Joe nods. “A ship,” he agrees. “But, not just any ship.” He takes out his phone, and types in something, before handing it over to Ben. “Project Mercury,” he finishes.

Ben stares at the Wikipedia page for Project Mercury on the screen in front of him. The picture across the top is one he recognizes immediately; it’s hanging in the reception area of the building, of every IIS branch building, actually. Some of the employees have it hanging in their offices. Plus lately, it’s been regularly flashed on the news as they approach the 100th anniversary. It’s of the twenty crew members, the Mercury Flight Director, an old Prime Minister, and four members of the royal family. “Hypothetically,” Ben begins, and he doesn’t even know how to begin. “Uh…I hope this officer would get their supervisor,” he finishes dumbly.

Joe scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Their supervisor? Come on, Ben!”

“Well, it’s not _them_ ,” Ben says, handing Joe his phone back. “It can’t be.”

“Says who?” Joe asks.

Ben opens his mouth to speak, feeling flustered. “I— uh, says who? Says one hundred years since we lost contact with them! Are you joking?”

“Ben, you weren’t down there,” Joe says, and he pushes himself up, sitting down on Ben’s desk so he can get closer to him. “Okay? I heard their voices. They’re real people.”

“I’m not arguing that they’re not real people, Joe,” Ben replies. “Of course you were talking to someone. It’s just someone who got on a frequency that they weren’t supposed to be on, which _yes_ , you should already know the policy for. That’s your job.”

“Whatever,” Joe mutters. “Dude, this was not just _someone_. Like— they said they were from the BIS. Commander Eastaughffe and Officer O’Sullivan. Those are their names, they were on the ship.”

“It’s a prank, Joe,” Ben says. “Why the fuck someone is doing it, I don’t know, but it’s not that hard, I’m sure.”

“Come _on_ , Ben,” Joe says. “You don’t want to at least pretend that this is a little exciting? Interesting? Slightly better than whatever you’re reading?”

Ben shrugs. “It’s…kind of interesting, yeah. It’s a big year, though. The 100th anniversary. It’s just attracting some more…I mean, it’s not them. So yes, it’s going to be interesting to try to figure out who they are, but nothing is going to happen. We might have to change frequencies.”

“That’s the best part, Ben,” Joe says, leaning forward a bit. “They’re on the Project Mercury frequency.”

“What?” Ben asks.

“We still use it!” Joe exclaims. “I looked it up before I came up here; Inoue was too distracted. Project Mercury was assigned one radio frequency, and it’s the only major mission that’s ever been on it. Besides the rover missions, it’s been silent since 1939. If someone like, hacked in, or is pranking us, they somehow knew the top secret radio frequency to use to make it look more realistic.”

Ben sighs. “Joe, I’m _sure_ that’s public information by now. Do you know how many investigations there have been into Mercury? There are whole sections on it in the library, I’m sure. It got out, somewhere, sometime.”

“You’re absolutely zero fun and I hate you,” Joe says, shaking his head. “Dude, this is cool, admit it.”

Ben wants to be as excited for it as Joe clearly is, but honestly, he just knows this is going to turn into a huge policy nightmare, _somehow_ , and he’s going to be the one responsible for making sure it gets fixed. “I— it’s cool,” he says finally. “Okay. It’s a great prank. One hundred years, same frequency, it’s authentic, at least. Sure.”

“ _Thank you_ ,” Joe says. 

“And it gave you something to do today other than worry about other than the temperature of Maxwell Montes,” Ben says.

“That’s on Venus,” Joe says, and Ben just rolls his eyes. He’s not in the IIS because of his geography skills.

“Kay,” Ben says. “Anyway. Are you all excited out now? This was an interesting enough day for you?”

Joe shrugs. “Yeah, it’s only the most interesting thing that’s ever happened in that stupid control room.”

“That I believe,” Ben says, laughing softly.

Joe sighs and looks down at the book Ben has open on his desk. He wants to keep talking about the transmission, but it's obvious that Ben doesn't care enough to keep going. “What are you working on?” he asks, and Ben just shakes his head.

“Nothing interesting,” he replies. 

Joe smiles. “That was a given.” He hops off Ben’s desk and heads towards the door. “I want Chinese for dinner, if you’re in.” And hopefully by dinnertime, he'll have more gossip to report back to Ben.

Ben’s about to answer when his phone starts ringing. He holds up a finger to get Joe to wait, and then picks it up. “Hello, Hardy,” he says, bringing the tip of his highlighter up to his mouth. His eyes widen a bit, and he looks over at Joe.

“ _What_?” Joe mouths, but Ben just shakes his head.

“Uh, yes, ma’am,” Ben says, and he’s already starting to stand up in his seat. “I’ll be there right—” he sighs, looking at Joe. “Yes, ma’am, he’s right here.”

Joe makes a face, and tries to slip out of the door, but Ben throws his highlighter at him.

“Yes, ma’am,” Ben says, and he hangs up.

“What?” Joe asks.

“Uh, forget the Chinese,” Ben says, and he grabs his laptop, walking towards the door. “We’ve got a meeting.”

“We?” Joe repeats.

“Yeah, dumbass, you’re the one who took the message, they want you there,” Ben says, and they start heading down the hall to the elevators. “We’ve got a problem.”

“Hypothetically?” Joe asks.

Ben shakes his head. “Nope, actual.”

Joe takes a deep breath, waiting for elevator to arrive. “Am I in trouble?” he asks softly, and Ben raises his eyebrows as he looks over at him. “You know. Hypothetically.”

Ben shakes his head. “I think Hartstone’s got bigger problems than you right now, Joe.” The elevator arrives, and they step into it together.

Joe watches Ben carefully, and his stomach starts to twist a bit. Ben looks a little flushed, his laptop clutched to his chest, and he keeps tapping his toe impatiently as they head up. He looks nervous as hell, and if Ben is nervous, then Joe thinks he should _really_ be nervous. “What did she say?” Joe asks carefully, and Ben just shakes his head.

The elevator doors slide open and they walk out together. They can see Hartstone and Inoue already in there, along with their assistants, and other department heads. Projected on the screen in front of them are other directors who are headquartered at different IIS branches around the world, including Ben’s supervisor, the Director of the Office of Strategy and Policy, who works out of Cologne. Joe’s steps falter a bit when he realizes just how many people there are, and who exactly they are, and he crowds a bit closer to Ben.

“Mazzello, sit,” Inoue says, snapping his fingers and pointing at the chair next to him.

“Yes, sir,” Joe says quickly, hurrying over to him.

Ben glances around and takes his seat in between the Director of Interagency Relations and the Deputy Director of Legislative Affairs. He looks over at Joe, who clearly looks nervous at the table. It’s no wonder; Joe’s the lowest-ranking person there by far, and even Ben feels uncomfortable surrounded by these people. He’s higher-up than Joe in the IIS organizational structure, but he mostly stays hidden in his office, doing research and writing for his supervisor. He doesn’t get dragged into meetings with people like Hartstone. He sees Joe’s eyes widen at something behind him, and Ben turns around just in time to see the Prime Minister walk into the room, followed by his bodyguards, who shut the door behind them. Ben freezes, staring at him, watching him walk by.

Hartstone waits for the Prime Minister to sit down before she clears her throat. “At 1027 hours, Coordinated Universal Time, Communications Officer Joseph Mazzello was monitoring temperature results from a Mars rover when he received a radio transmission from a female voice claiming to represent Project Mercury, and requesting further landing instructions from the British Interplanetary Society, as they are expected to land here within the week. Is this correct, Officer Mazzello?”

Joe swallows hard, realizing that everyone in the room and on the screen currently has their eyes on him, awaiting his response. He glances over at Ben, who nods once, trying to encourage him. Joe nods eagerly, sitting up in his seat. “Yes, ma’am, that is correct.”

“What was your response, Officer Mazzello?” Hartstone asks, even though everybody in the room knows she already knows the answer.

“I confirmed that they were speaking to the IIS and I asked them to repeat their message,” Joe replies. “I— wanted to make sure I heard them correctly.”

“Did you?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Joe replies. “They repeated their message. My partner, Ottman, left to find Inoue so that we knew how to proceed.”

“But you continued to speak with them while you were waiting for your supervisor?” Hartstone asks.

“Yes, I did,” Joe replies. He has a heavy feeling in his stomach; this feels a lot more like an interrogation than a meeting. Ben said he wouldn’t be in any trouble. “A different voice, a man, came onto the transmission and asked when we changed our name from the BIS to the IIS. I didn’t respond. Instead, I…” He takes a deep breath, and just tries to keep his eyes on Ben. “I asked them their names.”

“To which they responded?” Hartstone prompts.

“Commander Eastaughffe and Communications Officer O’Sullivan,” Joe replies.

“Thank you, Officer Mazzello,” Hartstone says. It doesn’t feel like she’s thanking him, though. It feels like he’s in deep shit. Hartstone types something on the screen in front of her, then swipes her hand over it, and an image appears on the big projector screen on the wall, opposite the one with the directors. It’s the same photo from the Wikipedia page, of all the crew members. “Commander Eastaughffe and Officer O’Sullivan were, of course, the names of two of the twenty crew members on Project Mercury, the first BIS mission in 1939.”

“So it’s a prank?” a man a few seats down from Ben asks. Ben doesn’t recognize him, but he’s can see the military pins on his uniform. 

“That is what we initially assumed,” Hartstone replies. “Inoue?”

“When I was informed of the transmission, I assumed it was a prank, yes,” Inoue begins. “The frequency is reserved for the Mars rovers only, and should not be accessible by anyone else.”

“So who are they?” the woman next to Ben asks.

“We do not know at this time,” Inoue replies. “They maintain that they are the crew of Project Mercury.”

“So trace the signal,” the Prime Minister says suddenly, and all eyes are on him. “I admit I’m no science officer, but that sounds easy enough.”

Ben can see that Inoue and Hartstone are both a little flustered by him speaking; clearly they didn’t invite him there to make suggestions on how to do their jobs. But, Ben wonders, why exactly is he here? It hits him that this is a bit more serious than a prank on an old radio.

“We did,” Inoue says.

“And?” the Prime Minister presses.

Hartstone swipes her hand across the screen in front of her and the image on the wall changes from the crew to a map of space. Earth is clearly marked, as well as the moon and other planets, and there is another symbol, one Ben recognizes as the Project Mercury flag. “The signal originates from there,” she says. “They are approaching. At their current speed, their original estimate is correct: they will be here in just less than a week.”

Ben swallows hard, staring at the screen. He glances over at Joe, who looks horrified. That seems to be the general feeling in the room. The Prime Minister shifts uncomfortably in his seat, and then shifts again. He can’t stop, apparently. 

“Stop them,” the man with the military pins says. “This is a potential attack, not just on us, but on Earth. We stop the ship.”

“They’re people,” Joe says immediately, unable to keep it in, and all eyes are on him again. He immediately regrets speaking up, and he gets an elbow in the ribs from Inoue in return.

“There is no confirmation of that,” Hartstone says, and Ben frowns. _No confirmation_? he thinks. The IIS has been exploring space in one way or another for 100 years, and so far there’s been no confirmation of intelligent life out there. As much as he doesn’t think that’s the real Project Mercury, returning to Earth, he also doesn’t think aliens are arriving to attack them in some sort of twisted Trojan Horse scenario where they pretend to be humans that died 100 years ago. He’s not sure which scenario is most likely. He definitely hasn’t written any policy on _this_.

“This emergency meeting has been called to discuss next steps,” Hartstone says.

“This is ridiculous,” the woman next to Ben murmurs under her breath. He’s not sure exactly what she’s referring to, though. The idea that aliens are attacking them? Or the idea that they’re discussing whether or not to send a bomb into space?

“‘ _Next steps_ ’ seems like a pretty polite way to describe this clusterfuck,” a man on the screen says. Ben immediately cringes, realizing it’s the head of the American branch, who’s known around the London branch for being a bit…less restrained than other branch heads. Ben thinks they’ve probably got a nuclear warhead lined up, ready to go right now.

“Why would they announce their presence to us and give us a week to prepare if their plan is to attack?” a woman onscreen asks, one of the directors from the Buenos Aires branch.

“So we let them in!” the Russian branch head says, and Ben stares across the table at Joe. He can feel this dissolving quickly. The problem with the IIS is that as much as they like to pretend they have the same interests at heart, they don’t. The BIS was formed for space exploration, but other countries who later joined as part of the IIS had far more militaristic goals.

Ben starts tapping his pen against his desk, getting a dirty look from the man beside him, but he ignores it. He’s trying desperately to just _think_.

Joe decides to speak up again, figuring it can’t get worse than an elbow in the ribs. “Is there are absolutely _no_ chance that it’s them?” he asks. “Like, zero chance?”

Inoue snorts and rolls his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous, of course not. It’s been 100 years, they’re dead.”

“What about their children?” the woman next to Ben asks. “We sent twenty men and women into space; we can’t discount the possibility that some of them had relationships with each other that produced children.”

“They _died_ ,” the American onscreen snaps.

“We don’t know that,” another voice says. 

“Of course we do! Even if they didn’t die in April 1939, they sure as hell didn’t survive much longer. It was a year-long mission; they had supplies and oxygen for what? Two years?”

“Five,” a woman onscreen says. Ben recognizes her as IIS Chief Health and Medical Officer, headquartered in Ottawa. He met her briefly at a conference in Paris the year before.

“Okay, so they’re dead,” the American says again.

The Canadian rolls her eyes, and Ben has to bite down on his lip to not smile.

“Again, _zero_ chance?” Joe asks.

“Mazzello, would you shut up or I’m going to shut you up,” Inoue snaps.

“No,” a man at the table says, drumming his fingers on the table. “It’s not a zero chance.”

Inoue scoffs, and stares at him. “You’re joking.”

The man shakes his head. Ben leans forward a bit in his seat, trying to get a glimpse at his name-tag. Casali. He works in the science department, Ben knows that, but he’s not sure what position.

“You’re serious?” the Prime Minister asks.

Casali shrugs. “If you want the honest truth, there is a chance, however remote, that that is the real crew of Project Mercury.”

Hartstone pushes her glasses up her nose, waiting for him to continue. Ben can tell that everybody in the room wants to say something, but they’re also desperate to hear what he says. For space travel being such a scientific endeavour, a lot of people in the IIS are not scientists. Ben studied law.

“The fact is,” Casali continues, “the BIS had a lot of high hopes for Project Mercury, and that mission was a major scientific achievement, lost or not, but there was still a lot we didn’t know when we sent the crew out.”

“Like what?” Joe asks, and Ben’s eyes flick over to him.

“Time dilation?” Casali says, but it sounds more like a question.

Ben frowns. He’s almost sure he’s heard the term, but ask him to explain it? Not happening. He guesses that Joe doesn’t know either. He looks around the room, and to the faces onscreen. Inoue looks annoyed; the Prime Minister and the American look confused. The woman in Ottawa looks pretty smug.

“Simply put, time dilation is a sort of time travel,” Casali continues. “Passengers in a fast-moving vehicle advance further into the future in a shorter period of their own time.”

“Jesus, English,” the military man mutters.

“It is English,” Hartstone snaps, and he shifts uncomfortably under her glare.

“It means time slows down the faster you go,” Casali says. “And Project Mercury was going really, really fast. Do you understand that?”

Ben snorts, and has to look away. He can see the woman next to him is smiling as well.

“If they went fast enough, what was 100 years on Earth might’ve been much less for them,” Casali says. “Like a year.”

“That’s possible?” the Russian man asks.

Casali shrugs. “Yes. We see it on a much smaller scale with the astronauts we’ve sent to the moon, or Mars. Their clocks run slower than the ones on Earth, but not _much_ slower, because they’re not traveling that fast. Not as fast as Mercury was. The problem is, we didn’t know that when we sent them out. And since everyone assumed Mercury failed for the last 100 years, we never tried it again. So, Officer Mazzello, to sum it up, yes, you may have been speaking to the actual Commander Eastaughffe and Officer O’Sullivan.”

“So there could be real people on that ship,” the woman from Buenos Aires says, “who think it’s 1940, and they’re arriving home a success.”

“Jesus, I think that’s worse than aliens,” the man next to Ben mutters.

Hartstone turns to Inoue. “Why did we lose communication with them?”

Inoue just shakes his head. “BIS never determined. We assumed they went out of range, or that they had an accident and the ship was destroyed.”

“But it could’ve been something else,” a woman onscreen says. 

“Who’s familiar with the mission timeline of Project Mercury?” Hartstone asks, starting to type on her screen. “At what point did we lose contact with them?”

“After a week,” a man says.

“What changed after a week?” Hartstone ask, still scrolling.

“Speed,” Casali says. “After going fast enough to break free from Earth’s gravitational field, they slowed down to about 3,000 miles per hour for about a week. They wanted to ensure all their systems were working while they were close enough to Earth to get help or easily turn back. That’d still be slow enough that time dilation had no real effect, and communications would be stable. But then they sped up, going closer to the speed of light to get to Luyten’s Star. Communications shut off.”

“Now they’ve slowed down,” Hartstone says, “and we can hear them again.”

“That can’t be a coincidence,” Joe says quietly. “I— I talked to them. I _heard_ them. They’re real people. They’re on the Project Mercury frequency.”

“I’m not voting to blow up a ship that has British citizens on it,” the woman next to Ben says. 

The military man scoffs. “So what, you think we should embrace them with open arms? We don’t— this is ridiculous. This isn’t possible.”

“He just explained that it is,” the Prime Minister says, gesturing to Casali. “What’s the policy for this?”

Ben turns to look at his supervisor on the screen from Cologne, but his supervisor is just looking back at him. Other people slowly turn to him.

“Hardy?” Hartstone prompts.

“Uh, yes, ma’am,” Ben replies, and his eyes glance around the room. He knows that his supervisor likes to challenge him (or make Ben do his work for him), but this is ridiculous. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure we have a policy that addresses exactly…this.”

“Gee, you think?” the military man asks sarcastically, and Ben straightens up in his seat. He may not know the answer, but he’s also not going to let that guy make him look like an idiot.

“We are a peaceful agency, sir,” Ben says, looking only at the Prime Minister. “That is ultimately our mission, exclusively peaceful purposes.” He thinks that having a military presence in the room might make that part of the policy a bit null and void, but he presses on. “And all of our missions are designed with planetary protection requirements to protect any life that we do encounter. We have no policy that would allow us to destroy a ship that isn’t a threat to us.”

“Okay,” the Prime Minister says, and he turns to Hartstone. “How do we determine if they’re a threat?”

Hartstone stares down at the screen in front of her, and there’s a long moment of awkward silence where everyone in waiting for someone to say something, hopefully that will solve all their problems. She straightens up and clears her throat, swiping the screen so that the names of certain IIS members appear on the wall. Ben’s name isn’t up there, but knows it means that she’s asking them to vote on something; he just doesn’t know exactly what yet. “There is scientific evidence that supports the theory that these are the members of Project Mercury,” she says carefully, looking across the table at Casali, who nods his head once. “As of yet, after decades of space exploration, we have yet to encounter intelligent life on any planet except our own. These are indisputable facts. Therefore, no matter how remote the possibility, the chances are much higher that the people Officer Mazzello spoke to are British citizens, and not aliens.”

“This is ridiculous,” the American says. “You’re joking.”

“The ship will be allowed to land at the former Cairngorms launchpad,” Hartstone says, “we’ll get it ready for them.” About a third of the people start protesting. Inoue jumps out of his seat, and Ben watches as Joe pushes himself out of the way so that he doesn’t get an elbow to the face. “We will be monitoring their progress, and I believe Officer Mazzello should remain in contact with them until they’ve landed.”

“Holy shit,” Joe breathes softly, and Ben can feel his eyes widen in surprise.

“At which point, they will immediately be taken into custody, quarantined, then interrogated,” Hartstone says. “It is at that point it will be finally determined if these are the real crew members of the Project Mercury, or…something else.”

“What are we voting on then, since you’ve so obviously made your own decision here,” the military man says, gesturing up towards to the screen.

Hartstone sighs. “Whether we tell them now that they’ve been gone 100 years, or do we wait until we have them in custody.”

Ben swallows hard. He lifts his hand to his mouth, rubbing his face. 100 years. He can’t even imagine it. Obviously everybody they knew is already dead. Their parents, their partners, their children if they had any. The only people they’ll know are the people on that ship. He shakes his head in disbelief; they left before World War II broke out, that was the point of the mission. Someone’s going to have to explain the Holocaust to them. Someone’s going to have to explain 100 years of history, and technology, and culture to them. That is, if they don’t kill themselves as soon as they find out it’s actually 2039, and not 1940, and that they were sent away and lost all their loved ones for a mission that’s no longer relevant.

“Aye for now, nay for later,” Hartstone says, looking at the screen, waiting for their votes to appear. She only votes in the case of a tie, and she doesn’t look like she wants to.

Ben looks around, watching the voting members look down at the screen in front of them. He can tell they’ve all just had the same realization as him; that these aren’t just scientific facts, or hypotheticals. If that’s really Project Mercury, they think they’re coming back to a world that doesn’t exist anymore, and hasn’t for a long time.

The first vote on screen is the woman from Ottawa, who votes nay. The woman next to Ben quickly votes the same way. Ben shakes his head. He thinks they’re making the right decision, there’s no point in telling them now, but he just hates the fact that the biggest decision in their lives is going to come down to this. People who were just ready to kill them are going to vote on when it’s most convenient for them to find out they’re all alone in the universe.

“The nays have it,” Hartstone says. Ben looks at the screen; there are some abstentions, but only a couple ayes. Everyone must really like to put off the bad news. “This meeting is adjourned. We will reconvene tomorrow at 0900 UTC.” Hartstone says, and she stands up. “Officer Mazzello, Inoue, you and I will be speaking in my office shortly.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Joe says softly, and he walks across the room to Ben. “How fucked is this?” he asks.

Ben just shakes his head. “I can’t bloody believe it.”

“Hardy,” Hartstone says, and Ben jumps up in his chair. “Once I’m done with Mazzello and Inoue, you and I will be meeting as well. We need to develop a policy for the coming days.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Ben says, nodding jerkily. 

“Right, because a _policy_ is going to fix this,” Joe mutters, crossing his arms. “There are twenty fucking people on that ship who think it’s 1940. What are you going to write that can help them?”

“Fuck if I know,” Ben breathes, reaching up to scratch at his neck.

“Officer Mazzello?” Hartstone says as she walks by them.

Joe reaches out to pat Ben on the shoulder before hurrying away.

Ben slumps against the table, watching everyone file out of the room and the faces disappear from the screen. “Jesus Christ,” he mutters. He takes a few deep breaths, and then pushes himself up. As he’s about to walk out of the room, a photo on the wall catches his eye. It’s the same goddamn photo of the Mercury crew; it really is everywhere, Jesus. He studies their faces, smiling out at him. He reaches up to carefully run his fingers over it. Tears spring to his eyes, and he quickly blinks them away. He feels like he has no right to be sad; these people won’t show up, wanting his pity. They’re not going to want answers either; they’re just going to want their home. Ben sighs. How the fuck is he supposed to help them with that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • yay for meeting Ben and Joe!! being best friends _and_ co-workers, just like Gwil and Rami!  
> • I know this is mostly just a lot of science being thrown around, but I thought it was important to explain it now + get it out of the way so that the story can mostly move past it.  
> • I also just wanted to show more of the inner-workings of the IIS, its international scale, and the jobs Ben and Joe do before the story moves on and becomes more smaller in scope (eventually most named characters besides the core four will disappear/just be background).


	4. Chapter 4

The crew is all hovering nervously on the bridge, listening as East takes final instructions from the communications officer on the radio, Mazzello. As Evans carefully navigates the ship into position, Gwilym and Rami look out the window together, studying the sight below them.

“It looks so different,” Rami says softly, looking over at Gwilym, who just nods slowly. “These buildings, and— they changed so much.”

Gwil agrees. He supposes that it’s a good thing that the buildings are still standing; it doesn’t look like a particularly war-ravaged area. The BIS— _no_ , Gwil thinks, _the IIS_ , has been in fairly constant contact with them as they’ve approached Earth, but it’s been difficult to get anything other than basic pleasantries and instructions out of them. They won’t even tell them when they changed their name, or why, but Gwilym assumes that has to be a good sign? That other countries joined them? Or is it a bad sign; did Britain lose the war and the BIS was taken over? The man on the radio, Mazzello, has an American accent. Gwilym thinks that’s odd too.

Since making contact with the IIS, Gwilym can’t stop his mind from racing, he hasn’t been able to sleep. He’s nervous about coming back, about facing all the things that have changed, but he’s excited to know he’s going to see Roger, his parents, and his nieces and nephews. It feels like his heart is pounding at all times; he goes back and forth between scared and worried to so happy, ecstatic to the point he feels like it’s going to bubble out of his chest.

Mazzello had informed them that upon arrival, they’d be put into quarantine; nobody had discussed how long that was going to be for, but Gwilym thought it wouldn’t be long. Just enough time to run tests, check their health, ensure they hadn’t been affected by radiation, or brought any diseases back from Luyten. They were all fine; there hadn’t been any serious injuries or illnesses during the year they were away. He thinks that Roger and Sami will still be able to visit them in the facility; getting to see them through a thick pane of glass is still a million times better than not seeing them at all.

Rami shifts next to him, nervously reaching out to grab onto Gwilym’s arm. “What if they’re not happy to see us?” he asks quietly, and Gwilym just shakes his head.

“Rami, of _course_ they’re going to be happy,” Gwilym says. He admits, he’s had the same thought, over and over, that Roger will only come to see him to tell him that it’s over, he’s found someone new, that is, if he even comes to see him at all. But Sami? Why wouldn’t Sami be happy? They’re brothers, as close as can be. “They all will be. Think of the good news we’re bringing back.”

Rami nods, but he doesn’t let go of Gwil. He swallows hard; he can see the large number of vehicles already surrounding the landing site, and it seems like even more are driving towards them. It’s a lot; Rami feels like it’s too many, actually. Nowhere near that many people were there to see them off. Also…

Rami squints his eyes, looking down at the trucks. They look a lot different, newer, than the trucks that the BIS used. He wonders if anybody else notices. Most of the crew are excitedly standing by Evans and East, not paying attention to something as mundane as what vehicles the IIS are using.

Looking out the window, they can see the large access platform they’ll use to exit the bridge and head back down to the ground. It’s not the same one that was there when they left; this one somehow looks better, newer and stronger, but also incomplete in a way, like it was put up quickly. Rami can’t find the words to explain it, so he just keeps his mouth shut, but it feels off to him, somehow. This is exactly where they left from a year ago, and so much of it is still familiar to him, but other parts, it’s like he’s realizing he’s in a dream or something. His mind can tell that something’s wrong, but he can’t piece it together.

There’s a large shift as the ship settles down, and Rami and Gwil both step back from the window as they knock against the access platform.

“Sorry,” Evans says sheepishly, but she’s grinning so much, who can be mad at her? One little knock won’t hurt anyone.

“Before we go,” East says, clearing his throat. “As your commander, it has been been my honour and my pleasure to serve on the Mercury with you for this last year. I know that things down here have changed, we’re going to have to adjust to working with some new folks I think, but our work doesn’t change, and what we’ve accomplished doesn’t change.”

The crew nods eagerly along with his words, a couple of them playfully applauding themselves.

“I know we’re all feeling a bit nervous about what we’re walking into, and I know that as eager as we all are to get home, we’ve gotta stick out this quarantine thing for just a little while,” East continues. “I don’t know if we’ll all be together or not, but let me just say, if this is our last get-together for a little while, that I am immensely proud of the work we’ve done, and the knowledge that we’re bringing back to the IIS. Project Mercury was a success.”

The crew all start clapping at that, some more eagerly than others, and East gestures around them. 

“Grab your things,” he says, slinging his own bag over his shoulder, heading towards the bridge door. “And let’s get our asses down there.” He opens the small panel beside the door, and enters in the code that allows it to slide open. They’re hit with the cool, refreshing air, and they all take a deep breath.

They fall into line, and Rami glances back at Gwilym, still nervous, but feeling more excited now than anything. Gwilym grins back at him, and gives him an encouraging nod. They’re finally home. He gives his pinky ring one last twist for luck.

\+ + + + +

The last thing Gwilym expects when he takes his first step onto Earth is two armed men in hazmat suits roughly grabbing at him, and a third approaching him from behind with his weapon pointed at him. Gwilym begins struggling in their arms as they lead him towards an unmarked vehicle.

“Gwil!” the cry sounds desperate and broken.

Gwilym turns his head, trying to see where they’ve taken Rami; he’s in the exact same situation, all of the crew are. Everyone surrounding them is wearing hazmat suits labeled IIS, everyone has a weapon, and all the crew members are being led to a van or truck at gunpoint. “Rami!” he yells, still trying to jerk his arms away from the men, but it’s futile. He also knows that it’s dumb; there’s no doubt that these weapons are loaded and these people are willing to shoot if necessary. He knows that to be true. 

All the feelings he’d had of excitement, or hope, they’re immediately gone from his body. All he can feel now is the cool sickness of dread, making his muscles feel heavy and weak, and his stomach turn sour. He’s desperate to try to keep it down; if he vomits right now, he can only assume they’ll think he’s sick, and possibly contagious, and if this is how they’re being greeted, he can only imagine what they’re willing to do to him if they think he could infect them. “Rami!” he yells one more time, but he gets no response from him, or from anyone, as he’s shoved into the back of a van where two more armed guards are waiting for him, weapons at the ready. The door slams shut behind him and they start moving immediately.

Gwilym automatically lifts his hands, palms flat and open, to show them he’s not a threat. His eyes catch on the ring he still wears on his pinky finger, and he can feel tears starting to run down his cheeks. He sniffles, and wants desperately to wipe at his face, but he fears any movement he makes now might be his last. He can feel his shoulders starting to shake, but he tries to stay calm, tries to remember the part of his training where the BIS prepared them for the possibility of a hostile attack. Aliens had seemed like a ridiculous possibility at the time, but being taken hostage upon their arrival back to Earth…

Gwilym sniffles again, blinking rapidly. He wants to speak; his mouth his open and the words are on the tip of his tongue, but he can’t stop staring at the guns in front of him. These don’t seem like the type of people who would look kindly upon a question like, _who are you_ or _where are you taking me_. All Gwilym can think of now are Rami and Roger. He needs to just shut up and behave and think of them; the possibility of seeing them again. That’s the goal now; he can’t believe how quickly it became the only thing in life he could focus on. It’s like everything else has faded away, and now he knows he’d do anything to see them again, and for them to be safe.

He quickly moves to wipe as his face, lifting his hand back up again when he’s done. The guards in front of him never waver, their weapons don’t move. Gwilym swallows hard, trying to keep breathing deeply, trying to calm himself. He needs to be prepared. _Fuck_ he wants to say something, wants to demand information from his captors. He starts mentally preparing himself for it, he can feel himself about to ask, about to say anything, when the van comes to a stop. The door flies open and more arms are on Gwilym, dragging him out of the back, pushing him into the doorway of a small building. This looks the BIS, he thinks, the concrete bunker style so familiar to him. The hallway is empty except for him and the three guards; are the other crew members all being taken to different buildings? Where are the rest of them? Where’s Rami?

They turn down another hallway, and Gwilym’s led into a room that he thinks he recognizes as a BIS locker room. There are guards in hazmat suits standing near the showers, holding weapons. The water is running already, steam filling the air.

“Strip,” one of the guards says, and Gwilym freezes.

“Shower, _now_ ,” another guard says, and Gwilym starts to nod shakily. He looks around, and takes a deep breath. He thinks it’s an actual shower; he can’t smell any chemicals or gases in the air, but he knows that doesn’t mean anything. Chemical weapons could be undetectable. He reaches out, sticking his hand under the stream; it’s almost too hot, much more in line with the type of showers Roger prefers than him, but it feels like just water. It doesn’t make his skin blister or peel away. 

The guards around Gwilym carefully step back as he starts undoing his BIS uniform. He shrugs it off his shoulders, it falling to his waist as he carefully toes off his shoes, nudging them to the side. He leans down and pulls off his socks, dropping them to the ground before pushing down the rest of his uniform, along with his underwear. He steps out of the clothing and into the water, gasping as it beats down on him heavily.

He closes his eyes and starts panting, feeling like the world is spinning around him. He starts to panic; it’s _not_ just a shower, there’s something in the water, he knows it. He opens his eyes and quickly looks around. The guards haven’t moved. He takes a breath, and thinks _no_. It _is_ just a shower; he’s just having a panic attack.

There’s a shuffling next to him and Gwilym jumps away from the outstretched hand of the guard, expecting a weapon. But it’s not. It’s just a bar of soap. Gwilym glances back and forth between the soap and the guard, before carefully reaching out, taking it from him. He examines it closely; it’s white, curved, with the image of a bird imprinted on it. Gwilym runs his fingers over it, pressing his thumb into it. It’s just soap. He thinks. He starts to rub it between his hands and it lathers. He starts scrubbing it over his body, wanting to move as quickly as possible as to not annoy the guards, but also desperate to get clean, and stay under there. If he closes his eyes and just focuses on the sound of the water, the fresh smell of the soap, maybe he can pretend that he’s somewhere else. _Anywhere_ else. He just wishes he was there with Rog.

\+ + + + +

A door opens and Gwilym’s led into a small room that reminds him of the room he’s spent the last year living in. It’s bright white, with a small bed, desk and chair, a toilet, and a sink. Gwilym looks around, but there’s nothing. No personal effects, no images or logos on the walls, just a toothbrush and toothpaste on the sink, a small soap sitting on top of a hand towel on the desk, plus a spare uniform, bright white like the new one he’s got on. A security camera in the corner, blinking down at him.

Gwilym steps closer to the bed, and then spins around when he hears the door close and lock behind him. “Hey!” he says, the word bursting out of him. It’s the first thing he’s said aloud since he shouted Rami’s name. He knows that realistically, that must have only been what, thirty minutes ago? Forty at the most, but it already feels like it’s been hours. “ _Please_!” he yells, banging on the door. He pulls on the handle, but it doesn’t budge. Of course it doesn’t, he wasn’t expecting it to, but gripping his hands around the cool metal and pulling with all his strength is at least a distraction. It makes him feel like he’s trying something. He starts banging on the door again. “ _Please_!” he screams, over and over until his throat is raw.

Gwilym tugs on the door handle again, before collapsing on the floor. He leans against the door, sobbing heavily. He’s being so loud, he almost starts to annoy himself. He’s whining, thumping his head back and back against the door, over and over. He starts to imagine doing it harder and harder until the skin splits; if he makes himself bleed, they’d have to come back and let him out, right? Send him to a doctor? Somebody who would _talk_ to him, and tell him what’s happening?

Or would they just let him bleed out on the floor? If their deaths are the point, which Gwil thinks they might be, wouldn’t it be easier on them if Gwilym just did it himself?

Gwilym stops hitting his head, staring at the floor in front of him, breathing heavily. “ _Why_?” he asks softly, and he can’t stop the tears coming again. He starts twisting his ring around his finger, then puts his head in his hands, tears running over them. “Roger, _please_ ,” he sniffles, shoulders shaking as he sobs.

Sometime later, he has no idea how long it’s been, he can hear the door unlock above him. He pushes himself away, crawling across the floor, watching as two people enter the room. One of them is holding a gun, but the other is holding a small bag. This one approaches Gwilym, crouching down beside him. Gwilym jerks away from them, but they steady his arm as they start to roll up the sleeve of his uniform. They wrap a long piece of cord around his arm, and form Gwilym’s hand into a fist. 

Gwilym knows what’s about to happen, but as soon as the person produces a syringe from the bag, Gwilym whimpers anyway, trying to back away from them. He presses himself against the wall, pulling his arm away.

“Hold still,” the person says sharply, and they press the syringe into Gwilym’s vein, slowly drawing blood.

Gwilym squeezes his eyes shut, twisting away from them until he feels the needle being removed. The cord is unwrapped, and a bandage is quickly placed on Gwilym’s arm. 

The person produces a cotton swab next, and they lift it up to Gwilym’s mouth. Gwilym’s mouth falls open, and he stares at the person as they swipe the inside of his cheek. They put it in a plastic container, sticking in the bag.

Next, a thermometer is stuck in his mouth. The person makes note of the temperature, before pushing themselves up. They walk back towards the door, and just as they’re about to leave, Gwilym reaches out to them. 

“ _Wait_ , please,” Gwilym pleads with them. “Please. Garrick. Flight Director Garrick. What— where is he? _Please_ , whatever you think we’ve done, he’ll tell you—”

The door shuts in front of him, and Gwilym just stares at it until his stomach twists, and he rushes on his knees to the toilet, throwing up everything the crew ate for breakfast that morning. He stays there until there’s nothing left, but still he can’t stop his stomach from clenching.

\+ + + + +

Gwilym’s curled up on his bed, barely asleep, when he hears the door unlock. He shoots up, watching two women, one armed, one not, and an unarmed man walk into the room. None of them are wearing hazmat suits, so something has clearly changed. He thinks it must be the results of the tests he assumes they ran.

The man is carrying a tray filled with food and a couple bottles of water. He sets them down on the desk, then turns around, walking out of the room. The armed woman shuts the door behind him.

The unarmed woman is carrying a small tablet computer, as well as a clipboard with a few papers and a pen. She smiles politely at Gwilym, and pulls out the chair from the desk, taking a seat. She sets the clipboard down, and types something on her tablet.

Gwilym watches her nervously, breathing heavily.

“You’re more than welcome to eat now,” the woman says, gesturing towards the tray, “but I understand if you’d rather wait. Did you sleep alright last night?”

Gwilym scoffs at that. No he didn’t, and he’s willing to bet she knows it too. Gwilym eyes the food nervously. He’s starving; it’s been over a day since he’s eaten. Three times now someone has come by to drop off food for him, and he’s refused it each time. None of them will say anything to him, and he feels like taking food from someone who refuses to acknowledge him is just rewarding their bad behaviour. Now, though…

Gwilym doesn’t respond; he swallows hard, his mouth feeling dry. He finally has someone to talk to, someone who’s willing to talk to _him_ , and he can’t say a word. He can feel himself start to shake. 

“I’m Doctor Adeyemi,” the woman says, and Gwilym still doesn’t respond. “I’m from the Lagos branch of the IIS. Do you know where you are?”

Gwilym sniffles, wiping at his face. Does she actually want to know? Does she care? Or is this all part of whatever game they’ve got going on. He can’t believe it’s taken this long for someone to just _say_ something. “I, um…” He clears his throat, glancing over at the water.

Adeyemi follows his eyes, and then reaches out, grabbing the bottle off the desk and handing it over to him.

Gwilym nods gratefully and takes a long drink. He sighs and wipes at his mouth, screwing the cap back on. “Perth,” he says finally. “Well, no,” he stutters, shaking his head. “Sorry. Cairngorms. Space Operations Centre. I live in Perth.”

Adeyemi nods, typing again. “What is your name?” she asks.

“Gwilym Lee,” he replies, fingers squeezing the water bottle tight in his hands. “Have you— have you seen my friends?” he asks. “Are they here, are they okay?”

Adeyemi looks up at him, nodding. “All members of your crew are in the facility, yes. They’re being interviewed right now as well.”

Gwilym nods, swallowing hard. “Are you going to kill us?”

Adeyemi’s eyes widen, and she glances over at the woman who’s guarding the door. “No,” she says carefully, slowly looking back at him. “No. The IIS is a peaceful agency.”

“This doesn’t feel like peace,” Gwilym snaps. “You’re holding me hostage.”

“You’re being quarantined,” Adeyemi replies, “to ensure that you didn’t bring any diseases or infections back with you.”

“So let me talk to somebody,” Gwilym says. “Let me talk to Garrick. Or— or Roger, or my _parents_. Please. Are they okay? What’s going on?”

“Where were you born, Mister Lee?” Adeyemi asks, ignoring his requests.

“Bristol,” Gwilym replies.

“And your birthdate?” she asks.

“You _have_ all this information,” Gwilym insists, “it’s in the personnel files.”

“Your birthdate, please,” Adeyemi says again.

Gwilym sighs heavily, shaking his head. “November 24.”

“The year, Mister Lee.”

“1905.” He frowns at her reaction; she hides it quickly, but for a moment, she looks surprised.

“So, you are…how old?” she asks, eyes flicking down to her screen.

Gwilym frowns again. “34,” he says. _Do the math_ , he thinks. 

“Can you identify the members of your family for me?”

“Please tell me what’s going on,” Gwilym says. “I— please, I just—” He can feel his eyes starting to fill with tears, and he stops speaking, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. Adeyemi doesn’t respond, and he takes a deep breath. “Tom and Ceinwen,” he says quietly, “are my parents. I’ve got two older brothers, Owen and Geraint, and a sister, Rhiannon.”

Adeyemi looks away from him, reaching back to grab the clipboard from the desk, handing it over to him. “We need all crew members to fill out a report of the mission,” she explains. “All the questions are there. Take as long as you need. The IIS wants as complete a picture of your time away as we can get.”

“Can I talk to anyone?” Gwilym asks again, not even looking down at the questions in front of him. “Please. Just— someone.”

Adeyemi shakes her head. “Not at this time, no. But once we have completed mission reports from all crew members, the IIS will speak to you.” She stands up, pushing the chair back.

“What did we do wrong?” Gwilym asks. “We— nobody said it would be like this when we came back. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

Adeyemi sighs heavily, reaching out to the door handle. “My apologies, Mister Lee. My understanding is that circumstances have changed.” She looks uncomfortably at the armed guard, who says nothing.

“Is— did we lose?” Gwilym asks. “Is that it?”

“Lose what?” Adeyemi asks, glancing back at him. 

“The war,” Gwilym replies. “With the Germans. Is that— are they—”

Adeyemi looks away for a moment, and Gwilym can tell that she’s considering what to say. He starts to feel sick; he feels like she’s trying to find a way to break it to him. But no. She turns to him and says, “No, Mister Lee. You won.”

Gwilym feels instant relief course though his body, he slumps over with it. _But if we won…_ , he thinks. Then why?

“Please fill out the mission report, Mister Lee,” Adeyemi says gently. “It would be greatly appreciated. Since losing contact with Project Mercury, the IIS needs to know all the details of your trip.”

“Of course,” Gwilym says automatically. He wants nothing to do with that stupid clipboard, he wants to throw it at the wall and tear the paper to shreds, but he also knows, or rather he _thinks_ , that he’s still technically an employee of the BIS, or the IIS, and this is his job now. 

“I’d like to come back to speak with you again,” Adeyemi says. “Tomorrow, if you think you’ll have the report done by then.”

“Okay,” Gwilym says, nodding. He hasn’t looked over the questions, doesn’t know how long it will take him to write out his answers. But okay, why not. It’s not like he has anything else to do. “What about?” he asks, looking up at her.

“The IIS would like a psychological report of each of the crew members,” Adeyemi replies. “I have a few questions I’d like to ask you, about your mission and how you feel about it.”

Gwilym nods. He thinks he could tell her all she needs to know right now, though. Overall, he felt pretty good about it. Now, not so much.

“Tomorrow then,” Adeyemi says, and she opens the door. Both she and the armed guard leave, and the door locks behind them.

Gwilym looks carefully at the clipboard, and then drops it to the bed. He pushes himself up and walks over to the desk, sitting down. He looks at the food, _real_ food, it looks like it was made by a chef. He smiles, thinking of the final Scottish meal they’d shared a year ago. He picks up his fork, looks it over, briefly contemplates shoving it into his neck, and then digs into the warm Shepherd’s pie in front of him. He groans; it tastes so fucking delicious. Even if it is poisoned, which it very well could be, he couldn’t care less right now.

\+ + + + +

If it weren’t for Doctor Adeyemi’s visits, Gwilym wouldn’t be able to keep track of how long it’s been since Mercury landed. In a windowless room, with no clock, underground with no one to talk to, it can be tough to discern. She returned for his mission report and to complete the psychological testing the next day, 48 hours in custody. She came back the next day as well, with even more questions. More detailed, about his upbringing, details about his family and friends. The next day, it was another doctor, who completed a routine physical on him. Each day, they’d bring him as much food as he wanted, all he had to do was wave at the camera or knock on the door. Once a day, they came to take him out of his room to make sure he showered, but he never saw any other crew members.

After Adeyemi’s second visit, they gave him paper and pens to write with. He asked if he could have his journal, the one with Roger’s handwritten letter to him in it; he missed running his fingers over the page, the last bit of Roger he had. But the journal was with mission control. Gwilym felt warm and embarrassed when he found that out. That was his _personal_ journal; he and Roger were the only people who were ever supposed to see what was inside. They did give him a book to read, though. He finished that one, and they gave him another. 

Throughout the entire process, every time he saw someone, Gwilym asked to speak to Rami, to Roger, to his family, to Flight Director Garrick. To _anyone_ , but the answer was always no. Until his sixth day in custody, when a guard comes to his room to tell him that he was to report to a meeting upstairs.

The guard leads him through the hallway, and up the stairs, moving into a different building. He’s being led to one of the larger BIS meeting rooms, Gwilym realizes, where they used to have larger debriefings or lectures. He hopes that means that there will be more than just him there. He doesn’t see any other crew members on the route to the meeting room, but as soon as the guard he’s with opens the door, Gwilym bursts into a huge grin. 

“Gwil!” Rami exclaims, hurrying over to him.

“Oh my god, Rami,” Gwil says, pulling Rami into the biggest hug of his life. He squeezes him tightly, lifting Rami up into the air a bit. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Rami assures him, but he doesn’t let go of him. “Oh my god Gwil, you have no idea how happy I am to see you.”

“I think I do,” Gwilym says, looking around. He sees East, who gives him a nod. Gwilym realizes they’ve been led into the room one-by-one by rank. Sitting in the back row of the room are twenty people he doesn’t recognize, all wearing IIS uniforms. No weapons, though, Gwilym realizes, so he doesn’t think they’re guards. One of them catches his eye, short blonde hair like Roger. It’s not him, though, so he decides to ignore them, and just focus on his crew. “What’s going on, does anyone know?” he asks. He assumes if anybody had a clue, it’d be East.

But East just shakes his head. 

“Anyone talk to Garrick?” Gwilym asks. He and Rami take a seat next to each other, and Gwilym looks around at the other crew members already there.

“Anyone talk to _anyone_?” Rami asks. “Because I didn’t.”

Gwilym shakes his head. “Just my doctors. I kept asking, for you, for Rog, but—”

“Yeah, I kept asking for Sami but they never let me see him,” Rami says. “Did they find anything wrong with you? Are we sick?”

Gwilym shakes his head. “No, they said I’m fine. I don’t know. I…I don’t know. What’s going on? They didn’t tell me _anything_. I asked my doctor if we lost the war, but she said no, that we won. I thought maybe the Germans thought we were spies or something, but—”

The door opens behind them, and another crew member walks in. They all run to greet her, pulling her in for hugs. The cycle repeats, a crew member walking in, asking questions and all of them trying to find a single answer in this whole big mess until the last crew member walks in. They talk amongst themselves, comparing experiences, talking about their doctors, trying to reassure each other that they’re safe now. Gwilym looks to the back row again, wondering what would happen if one of them just went over to them and demanded to know the truth. Before he can suggest it to East, the doors at the front of the room open, and a woman walks in, going to the podium, followed by several other people who take a seat at the tables set up beside her. Gwilym doesn’t recognize her, or anyone. Not that he’s surprised at this point, it’s clear that whatever happened when the BIS became the IIS, they didn’t retain their staff. Not at this location, anyway.

“I am Administrator Hartstone,” the woman says, and Gwilym glances over at Rami, who just shrugs. “First, I would like to thank you all for your service to the IIS, and for the work you have done for Project Mercury. The logs, samples, and mission reports you’ve given us are invaluable.”

Gwilym watches East shift in his seat; he can tell he wants to say something, and is just biding his time to do so.

“I would also like to apologize for the lack of communication since you’ve arrived here,” Hartstone continues, and Gwilym rolls his eyes. Yeah, he fucking bets she’s sorry. “Admittedly, after losing contact with Project Mercury, the IIS was unprepared for your arrival. Sadly, it has long been assumed that you had passed away.”

Rami looks down at his lap, staring at his hands. Gwilym reaches out to take his hand, squeezing it gently. It’s what they’d all feared, and it’s almost sickening to hear it confirmed. Roger, Sami, their families, everyone thinks they’re dead. But they can get past that, right? So what, maybe Roger’s moved on, but after just a year? Gwilym would like to think that he’d still have a chance. As long as Roger’s happy, anyway. That’s what counts.

“As such,” Hartstone continues, “we were harsher with our initial methods of greeting you than we would have otherwise intended. Again, I apologize. Given what we assumed, we had to ensure that you all were who you claimed to be. I hope you can understand that having twenty people come from the dead is a…jarring experience for the IIS, to say the least.”

Gwilym squeezes Rami’s hand again. He wants to stand up and shout, “ _You know what’s a fucking jarring experience? Being held prisoner for almost a week by the people who were supposed to welcome you home!_ ” But he anchors himself to Rami, and just bites his tongue. If this Hartstone, whoever she is, thinks they’re going to get away with it, they’re wrong, but he can sit and play nice for now. Chamberlain is going to be hearing about this. He’ll go to the fucking king if he has to. As soon as they’re out of here.

Hartstone shifts behind the podium, and Gwilym can see that the other people up at the front are growing increasingly uncomfortable as well. Something’s wrong, he can see it. He can’t pinpoint exactly what it is; he thought that finding out their families have assumed they’re dead was the bad news. What’s left? She opens her mouth to speak, and nothing comes out. Gwilym glances at Rami, who looks concerned. 

“My apologies,” Hartstone says, “I thought this would be less difficult.”

East shifts in his chair, leaning forward, elbows on his thighs, watching her carefully.

Hartstone clears her throat, and pushes up her glasses on her nose. She begins reading from the tablet in front of her. “In April 1939, the BIS lost contact with Project Mercury,” she says. “It was assumed that all twenty members of the crew were deceased. This was tentatively confirmed by mid-1940 when contact with the crew had not resumed, nor had they had returned, as hoped.”

Gwilym frowns, leaning forward in his seat.

“Finally, by mid-1944, when the crew’s five-year supply of food and oxygen would have run out, Project Mercury was declared a failure.”

There’s an immediate shift in the room, they can feel it. “What is she talking about?” Rami asks, leaning in towards Gwilym.

Gwilym just shakes his head. He can feel his heart starting to pound in his chest. “I don’t know,” he replies.

“After the end of World War II, and the success of the Allies,” Hartstone says, “the BIS finally confirmed the existence of Project Mercury, and explained to the world what their goal had been in sending out twenty BIS employees into the unknown. To find a better place for British citizens and its allies, in case our homes were destroyed.”

“Gwil?” Rami asks, voice shaking.

“I don’t know,” Gwilym says again. He can hear a loud ringing in his ears, and he’s starting to feel dizzy. He grabs onto Rami’s hand again.

“The twenty crew members were mourned, memorialized, and honoured around the world, as representatives of a better future for Earth,” Hartstone continues. “They became symbols of hope, and have remained as such since.”

“I don’t get it,” Rami says, his hands starting to tremble in Gwilym’s. “She’s saying we’re dead.”

“In 1975, the BIS became the IIS, as leaders around the world took inspiration from the lost crew members of Project Mercury, and chose to pursue peaceful space exploration as their ultimate goal,” Hartstone says. “But we would not make the same mistakes again. Project Mercury was ambitious, and cost the lives of twenty people, affecting countless others. Progress must be slow and steady, otherwise it will burn brightly and fade quickly.” Hartstone pauses, and takes a deep breath. “A week-and-a-half ago, on April 12, 2039, Officer Joseph Mazzello received a radio communication from you, the crew members of Project Mercury.”

“2039?” East repeats loudly, straightening up in his chair. “Ma’am, pardon my language, but what the hell are you talking about?”

“You explained that you were due to arrive on time,” Hartstone continues, ignoring East’s outburst. Gwilym thinks the room is starting to swim around him. He starts twisting Roger’s ring around his pinky to try to settle himself. “In April 1940, as expected. To you, the crew members of Project Mercury, I apologize. The fact is that you are 99 years too late.”

“Gwil?” Rami asks, turning to him. He looks around frantically. The other crew members look surprised, confused, horrified. But he looks at the twenty people sitting behind them in the back row, one of them in particular watching him intently, and they all seem to just look sad. “What?” he asks quietly, looking at the man watching him.

“I’m sorry,” the man mouths back, and he looks away before reaching up to wipe at his face.

Gwil slumps in his seat, head falling forward. He catches it in his hands, but he thinks he’s about to collapse out of his chair.

Hartstone steps away from the podium, and a man steps up to address them. “I cannot begin to understand how difficult this must be to hear,” he says. “I understand if you don’t believe us. If you’re convinced we’re mistaken, or that this is a prank, or some sort of advanced torture technique. I can assure you it is not. You are in the right place; the Space Operations Centre in the Cairngorms, Scotland. But I am so sorry, you’re not in the right time.”

Rami bites down on his lip, starting to shake as his tears spill over. He reaches out to start rubbing Gwilym’s back where he’s slumped over, but he can’t take his eyes off the man at the podium.

“I would be more than happy to explain to you how this happened,” the man continues, “and in time, I will do just that. The science is sound. But in the meantime, I think it’s more important that we explain to you where we’re going from here.”

Rami just shakes his head back and forth, whimpering softly.

East pushes himself up, walking over to the podium. He looks back at the crew, then to the people sitting in front of him. “I’m Commander Eastaughffe,” he says. 

“Yes, sir,” the man at the podium says, and he reaches out to shake East’s hand. “I know. I grew up looking up to you.”

“Where is Flight Director Garrick?” East asks. “I report to him.”

“Flight Director Garrick died in 1963 of a heart attack,” one of the people sitting at the table replies.

East looks around the room, and he breaks into a huge grin. “You’re joking, right? I mean, it’s a joke. Ha ha, very funny, we’re gone for a year, you decide this is your idea of fun? A prank?”

The man at the podium shakes his head. “No, sir. I would never. I am very sorry. I don’t know how to tell you this, but it is 2039. You and your crew have been gone for 100 years.”

East huffs a laugh and rolls his eyes, and then he rears back, swinging his arm at the man.

The last thing Gwil hears before he collapses to the floor is the sound the man makes when he connects with East’s fist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • oooh this is where I feel like things are starting to happen!  
> • don't hate me TOO much for all the shit Gwil and Rami get put through.  
> • also don't blame Ben because this was NOT his idea.


	5. Chapter 5

Ben gnaws on his thumb, shifting over and over again in his seat. He and Joe, along with eighteen other volunteers (or rather, eighteen actual volunteers, plus Ben who was told to volunteer by Hartstone, and Joe who was told to volunteer by Ben) are sitting in the back of the room. When he suggested that they be there when the crew members were told the truth about their situation, he didn’t mean literally in the room. He meant outside it. Down the hall. Back in London. Somewhere where he wasn’t going to have to watch twenty people all find out the worst news of their lives. Ben wishes they were still in England; besides the fact that he hated the long trip, he misses the safety and comfort of his office, where he never has to deal with shit like this. He wishes Joe never got that stupid message on the radio.

“Fuck,” Joe mutters next to him, and Ben nods in agreement. Yup, that sums it all up. Ben still can’t fucking believe it, but the medical officers confirmed that every crew member is who they say they are. DNA and fingerprints, the evidence is right there in front of them. The medical officers who examined them explained their findings: no infections, diseases, reports of serious illnesses or injuries during the trip. Besides the obvious, all appear to be of sound mind. Ben thinks what that means is that nobody went insane during a year in space, but that all of them appear to be on the brink of it now. They’ve been kept in the dark for days now, as they’ve been subjected to psychological tests, memory tests, physical examinations.

Ben also knows that all their personal effects have been combed through: detailed logs, journals, photographs, recordings. Their findings on Luyten, details of space travel, day-to-day thoughts. The samples and artifacts on the ship, rocks, soil, water, plant life, all sent to various labs to be analyzed. 

They watch as one by one, the crew members are led to the meeting room. At first it’s a man that Joe recognizes as Eastaughffe, here, live and in the flesh. Joe wants to run over to him and introduce himself, but they’re under strict orders to not interact with the crew until after Hartstone delivers the news. With each new crew member who walks in, their confusion and excitement grows. They all seem to be asking the same questions, and they’re all equally confused about where they are and what’s happening.

“I think he’s mine,” Joe says, straightening up in his seat when the guards open the door to a shorter man, with olive skin, curly black hair, and blue eyes. “I recognize him.”

Ben looks down at the clipboard on his lap, finding the officer’s page. Rami Malek, avionics. Ben looks up, studying the photo. “Yeah, that’s him,” he says. Ben assigned him to Joe for no reason other than they’re close in age and have a shared interest in electronics. He knows from Malek’s file that he had a twin brother, who, although he wasn’t an employee of BIS, had agreed to participate in tests that would compare the effects of space travel on the human body. They had numerous blood samples from his brother as a result. His DNA was just another layer of proof that the crew really was who they said they were.

They watch more of the crew walk in. Ben straightens up a bit when he recognizes the man he’s been assigned to: Gwilym Lee, a biologist who specializes in astrobotany. He knows that Lee is the reason there are so many samples currently in the IIS labs. Ben had skimmed his journals detailing plant growth. It just made him feel guilty; this man spent so much time detailing the most mundane things as everything he ever knew faded away, and he had no clue. “He’s mine,” Ben murmurs, carefully gesturing towards Lee with his pen.

Joe lets out a long breath. “Lucky,” he murmurs, and Ben rolls his eyes.

Lee is watching them all of a sudden, even as he pulls Malek into a tight hug, and it makes Ben look away.

Based on their logs and journals, Ben figured out that Lee and Malek were best mates; he assigned himself to Lee only because he thought it’d be easier for him and Joe to handle the two of them together. He doesn’t think he and Lee actually have anything in common. He also hardly recognizes him; Lee grew out a beard during the trip, and he looks about ten years older than he does in the crew photo taken the day they left.

The final crew members are led into the room, and Ben feels anxiety starting to bubble up in his chest. He still can’t keep still, to the point that he knows he’s annoying the absolute hell out of Joe, but he can’t. This isn’t his job; he’s ready to talk to Lee one-on-one, _maybe_ , in a few days. He’s not prepared to watch these people break down in front of him. “Fuck,” he mutters, watching Hartstone and a few others walk into the room. He recognizes a couple as psychologists, and one as Casali, the scientist who initially explained the concept of time dilation. Ben isn’t 100 percent sure Casali needs to be here for _this_ , but they wanted to prepared for any questions.

Hartstone stands at the podium, beginning to speak. “I would like to thank you all for your service to the IIS, and for the work you have done for Project Mercury. The logs, samples, and mission reports you’ve given us are invaluable.”

Ben sighs. He knows there’s no way to just jump into, _‘hey, everybody you ever knew and loved is dead’_ but it still feels fake to him. Everything Hartstone plans on saying, it’s so scripted and rehearsed; most of it actually comes from the IIS website’s section on Project Mercury. Ben tried to protest against that, but got shot down. He was told that the time for emotion is later, the time for facts is now. He’s still bitter about it, and wonders how much some of the directors and supervisors actually care about crew, or if they just see them as an inconvenience.

Hartstone apologizes for the lack of communication, and breaks the first bit of bad news that the IIS has been operating under the assumption that the crew were dead. Ben watches them carefully; they seem sad, but not surprised. He knows that they must have assumed it was at least a possibility. They were out of contact for a year. Ben rolls his eyes when Hartstone refers to the crew coming back as ‘jarring,’ as if the whole thing isn’t going to be a helluva lot more jarring for them in about five minutes.

Ben stares down at his lap when Hartstone begins the part of her speech that she took from the IIS website. He feels hot, flushed with shame that this is how they’re being told, this is how the IIS is treating them. Nothing she’s saying is _wrong_ , and yeah, Ben isn’t quite sure what the better way would be, but giving them a history lesson surely isn’t it.

“Jesus,” Joe mutters, and he leans forward in his seat, resting his arms against the chair in front of him. He feels sick, listening to this. Sure, he grew up on the stories of Project Mercury, he knew everything about them; hearing them talked about like symbols and heroes, he’s used to it. But listening to Hartstone; the way she’s moving through her speech, from ’39 to ’44 and ’75, what must the crew be thinking? They probably think she’s fucking insane, but they must also be…

“Oh fuck,” Joe says, a bit louder than he should have, when Hartstone mentions him by name. He really didn’t want to get dragged into this; it’s _not_ his fault, though somehow he feels like it is. Like if he just hadn’t heard them, it would have been okay. Everything still would be normal. He doesn’t want to be associated with this. He wants to get the fuck out of the room and tell Ben to go screw his little volunteer project.

Eastaughffe finally speaks up, and Joe and Ben glance at each other. They figured that whatever he did, however he reacted, the crew would follow his lead. 

“To you, the crew members of Project Mercury, I apologize. The fact is that you are 99 years too late,” Hartstone says.

Joe swallows hard, and finds himself watching Malek as he turns in his seat to Lee. He looks confused, and scared. Suddenly, Malek’s eyes are on him, and Joe feels like dying.

“What?” Malek asks, and though they’re not close, Joe can hear the desperation and confusion in his voice.

Joe sniffles, and all he can say is “I’m sorry,” before he has to look away, reaching up to wipe at his face as tears start to spill down his cheeks. He feels Ben’s hand on his knee, squeezing it gently. 

Hartstone steps away from the podium and Casali steps up, explaining that he’s happy to explain the science behind what has happened to them, but that he’d prefer to focus on next steps for right now. Ben watches him; he’s supposed to explain the volunteer assignment program. Ben assumes none of the crew will have any interest in coming to talk to them right now, but he feels like the spotlight is about to be on them.

Until Eastaughffe stands up and decks Casali in the face.

“Holy shit!” Joe exclaims next to him, and Ben pushes down on his knee to keep him from springing up in his chair. But then there’s a loud clatter, and Ben looks over, realizing that Lee has collapsed onto the floor.

“Medic!” Malek yells, and Ben pushes himself up in his chair, watching Malek drop to the floor to tend to his friend. “Gwil?” Malek asks carefully, lifting Lee’s head onto his lap.

“Jesus Christ,” Casali says, clutching at his face as blood starts to run between his fingers.

“Security!” Hartstone yells, and Joe jumps up in his seat next to Ben. The whole thing is falling apart right in front of them. Ben can only watch as the doors at the back of the room burst open and a number of armed security officers hurry in, heading straight for Eastaughffe.

“Jesus, leave him alone,” Casali says, stumbling in-between Eastaughffe and the guards. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”

“Casali,” Hartstone says sharply, but he just waves her off.

“It’s _fine_ ,” Casali insists, but when he lifts his face from his hands, Ben flinches and has to look away. It doesn’t look fine.

“Did you fucking see that?” Joe whispers excitedly to Ben, and Ben just nods, starting to feel woozy. “I think that guy’s my hero.”

Ben looks back at Malek and Lee, where a medical officer has finally joined them. He strains to see if Lee is okay; he looks like he’s just passed out, and soon, Malek exclaims with relief, “Gwil!” Ben smiles faintly. _Gwil_ , he thinks. Nice name. He wonders if Lee will let him call him that. Probably not.

Malek helps a shaky Lee stand to his feet, his arm wrapped around his waist. Lee’s got at least six inches on Malek, maybe more, but the way Malek is holding onto him, and how sick Lee looks, he looks about two feet tall.

“Should we say something?” Joe asks Ben quietly, watching Malek and Lee slowly walk out of the row together, guided by the medical officer. 

“Not sure this is the best time for introductions, mate,” Ben says softly, watching Malek and Lee walk by them. Malek’s focused on Lee, but Lee glances over at them, and Ben has to look away. He feels like this is his fault somehow, like Lee blames him.

A medical officer is attending to Casali, who keeps insisting that he’s fine, trying to shake them off. “It’s just a nosebleed,” he says, though he’s still keeping a wary eye on Eastaughffe, who hasn’t made any further moves but who still seems ready to strike at a moment’s notice.

“Can we speak in private, sir?” Eastaughffe asks Casali, and though Hartstone immediately says no, Casali nods in agreement.

“Of course,” Casali says, “anything to help.”

Ben takes a nervous breath, realizing that he finally has a chance to help. He glances over at Joe and then hurries over up to the front of the room, situating himself beside Casali. “Perhaps I should join you two, sir,” Ben says. “I’d like to be able to speak with you about the next steps for your crew, if I could.”

“And who are you?” Eastaughffe asks.

“Uh, Ben Hardy, sir,” he replies, offering Eastaughffe his hand. “I work in the policy office.”

“So this farce was your idea, then?” Eastaughffe snaps. “It was your idea to hold my crew hostage for a week while you came up with your story?”

Ben looks down in shame and quickly shakes his head. “I’m sorry, sir, we— _no_ , it wasn’t my idea, I’ve been trying to focus on what we should do next. I am sorry, sir, I truly am, and I know nothing I say to you will ever convince you that that’s true, and I know I don’t understand, but I’d _really_ like to help your crew move forward. Or, at the very least, keep them from moving backward.”

Eastaughffe studies Ben for a long moment, and Ben tries to not look away from him. “Alright,” he says finally. “Let’s hear your _policy_.”

The three of them, followed by an armed guard, walk out of the meeting room into a smaller office across the hall. Ben’s not sure to whom it belongs, but Casali drops down heavily behind the desk, reaching out to grab a tissue from the box.

Ben sits down in front of the desk, and watches as Eastaughffe begins pacing around.

“Is this a joke?” he asks again, and both Casali and Ben shake their head. “You’re serious?”

“Yes, sir,” Ben says quietly, “we are. It’s April 2039.”

“And _you_ said you can explain how this happened,” Eastaughffe says, pointing sharply at Casali. “Listen, I’m going to hear what you have to say and I will take the information back to my crew but if at any point I think you’re joking with me or playing a prank, I’m taking my crew _out_ of here. What’s your policy say about that?”

Ben glances over at Casali, who just shrugs. “Uh…sir, I— of course. The IIS cannot keep you or crew here any longer; anyone is free to leave, if they so choose. We would like you to stay, of course, which is what I’m here to speak to you about, but that’s up to you.”

Eastaughffe eyes Ben again, and then grips the back of the empty chair in front of the desk. “Alright, go.”

Casali takes a deep breath and carefully goes through his explanation of time dilation with Eastaughffe; it’s clear that he’s been working on it since he presented his idea to Hartstone and the other directors, to try to make it a bit more understandable. He also jots down a couple diagrams on the pad of paper in front of him, watching him to see if Eastaughffe understands.

“How old are you, Hardy?” Eastaughffe asks suddenly, glancing over to him.

“27, sir,” Ben replies. He cringes a bit, realizing how young he must seem to Eastaughffe, who he knows is almost ten years older than him ( _110 years older?_ Ben wonders to himself), and comes from a time when those ten years are a _much_ bigger deal. He feels like Eastaughffe is old enough to be his father, he’s so intimidating.

“When were you born?” Eastaughffe asks.

“2012,” Ben says softly. “I can show you my ID, if you’d like.”

__“You work for the British government, son, I think we could fake those even in 1939,” Eastaughffe replies._ _

__“Fair enough,” Ben admits, a bit embarrassed._ _

__Eastaughffe groans and finally drops down in the chair next to Ben, his head in his hands. “I have a wife,” he says quietly, “and a daughter.”_ _

__Ben watches Eastaughffe for a moment, then glances over at Casali, who just shrugs. He was here for the science, not for this. Ben’s not prepared for this either; they should’ve grabbed a psychologist or a counsellor on the way out of the room. He just wanted to help, but this is beyond what he can do for him. “I’m sorry, sir,” he says softly._ _

__“Do you know what happened to them?” Eastaughffe asks, lifting his head. His eyes are shining with tears, but none of them have spilled over yet._ _

__“Yes, I do,” Ben replies, gesturing down at the clipboard on his lap. “I can tell you, if you’d like, or—” He stops talking when Eastaughffe shakes his head._ _

__“Not right now,” he says, sniffling. He clears his throat and straightens up. “We’re here to talk about my crew, not me. What’s the plan here, going forward?”_ _

__Ben is a bit taken aback, but he remembers again that Eastaughffe comes from a different time. He’ll have to keep that in mind when he starts talking to Lee. “Yes, sir, I understand. Well, as you said before, the IIS cannot keep you or your crew here. You’ve been cleared medically, and are safe to leave quarantine as of today. The… _issue_ is, of course, that I’m not sure where you would go.” Ben winces, realizing just how bad he is at comforting people. This isn’t what they teach in law school, that’s for sure. “We’d like the twenty of you to stay on with the IIS; I think the preference is for the London branch, but if your crew would like to stay here in Perth, that could probably be arranged. For some time, you’d stay in the crew quarters there, where you’d have access to psychologists and therapists, um, whatever you need in that regard. Eventually, when you’re more comfortable with it, the IIS would find places for you to stay in— in London, or wherever you’d like to live. We have branches all over the globe, so it could be anywhere you’d like. Not even Britain, uh, Germany is where our headquarters is now, but—“_ _

__“Germany?” Eastaughffe interrupts._ _

__“Yes, sir,” Ben replies, realizing that’s probably a little surprising to someone who was last on Earth in 1939. “Cologne, specifically. Um, we’d like— well, we’d like to do whatever we can for your crew to make this easier, and that may be different for each crew member, but we’d like to extend your employment with the IIS into whatever roles you’d see fit. Uh, someone like you, the commander of Project Mercury, you could travel the world speaking about your experiences, about Luyten, or— I know some of your crew members were professors in the 1930s, we’d love to be able to help them transition back to that.”_ _

__Ben pauses to take a breath, realizing that he’s been rambling. “Of course, if any of your crew would rather retire from the IIS, that’s— that’s fine too. You’d be supported financially through that as well; we’d still find a place for you to live, there’d be benefits. Um. We’d really like to take it slow. At each crew member’s pace. You know them better than anyone else, probably, I’m sure you know that some of them will handle this news… _differently_ than others. Um, so the first step of the program is that we’ve assigned each crew member to be partnered with a current IIS employee. That person isn’t a psychologist, or a therapist, you will all have one of those, though, like I said, but their partner would be more to just…be a friend. Like an assigned penpal in school. Someone who can…” Ben sighs, gesturing through the air. “I don’t know, explain why our headquarters is in Germany now, or how cell phones work, or British history for the last 100 years. Um. Even just someone to workout with. That sort of thing. The relationship between your crew and the volunteers would be determined by them, um, if your crew don’t want to interact with them at all and would prefer to learn on their own, that’s fine. I’d at least like all of them to meet, at some point. Just so your crew can have a friendly face in the halls.”_ _

__Ben glances over at Casali, who is smiling faintly._ _

__Eastaughffe lifts his hand to his face, pausing to think. He briefly shakes his head and Ben’s worried for a moment that he’s about to get smacked in the face too, but Eastaughffe eventually just sighs. “Yeah, alright.”_ _

__“Alright?” Ben repeats. He’s a little surprised, honestly. He thought maybe he’d botched the whole thing._ _

__Eastaughffe’s eyes narrow a bit, and he gives Ben a short nod. “ _I_ will talk to my crew,” he says, pushing himself up in his chair. “We’re done being separated. I need a place for all of us to meet together.”_ _

__Ben nods, standing up. “Yes, sir, I can have that arranged right away.”_ _

__“I’ll tell them about—” Eastaughffe glances over at Casali. “Well, they might come back to you for help on this dilation thing, but I’ll explain their options to them, your little program. It’s gonna be awhile before any of them come looking for you though, kid, that’s for sure.”_ _

__Ben nods quickly. “Yes, sir, I know. Uh, I could give you a— I’ll make sure there’s a list for you, when you meet with them today. The names of the people that have volunteered to help your crew, with all their contact information. That way they can reach out when they want.”_ _

__“Sounds fair,” Eastaughffe nods._ _

__“Um, and I know—” Ben frowns a bit, “well, if it’s alright, can you report back to us? Just on the general…feeling. London versus Perth, that sort of thing. Whenever you’re ready, of course. And, whenever you’d like to know about your family, I can—”_ _

__“Leave it, kid,” Eastaughffe says, and Ben nods. “Where are my crew?”_ _

__Ben glances at Casali. “I would assume Malek and Lee are in the infirmary, sir, but if the others have left, I can have all of them sent to one of the main boardrooms, for you. Whenever you’d like.”_ _

__“I’d like to speak to them now, please,” Eastaughffe says._ _

__Ben nods. “Yes, sir,” he replies. “I’ll get the list for you ASAP. Uh, let me get someone to take you to the boardroom while I get that together.”_ _

__They walk out of the office together, heading back into the main meeting room. Ben isn’t sure who he expects to find in there, but he’s surprised to see that all 17 of the remaining crew members are there, having just waited for Eastaughffe to return. Other than them, there’s just one armed guard, and Joe. Everyone else from the IIS left._ _

__He hurries over to Joe, who’s hovering near the back of the room._ _

__“What’s going on?” Joe asks._ _

__“I need you to take them to one of the boardrooms,” Ben says quickly, gesturing to the crew. “Maybe the one on the second floor? I think? Uh, I need to go print something off for Eastaughffe, but then we also need to go get Malek and Lee, and—”_ _

__“What’s going on?” Joe repeats, a bit slower this time, signalling to Ben that it’s time to calm down._ _

__Ben takes a deep breath. “He’s— Eastaughffe’s going to talk to them for me. Explain it, and…I don’t know.”_ _

__“He believed you?” Joe asks, glancing over at Eastaughffe, who’s quietly talking to the crew members._ _

__Ben shrugs and scrubs at his face. “I— I don’t know! I don’t know. Would you? No, but…I also don’t think they have a choice, you know? Fuck, I don’t know what’s going on.”_ _

__Joe snorts in amusement. “And you’re the one who’s supposed to be helping them adjust to this?”_ _

__“No, _we_ are,” Ben says, elbowing Joe. “And you better do a fucking good job at it too, because I think Eastaughffe is about ready to kill someone if we don’t.”_ _

__“Okay, I’ll take them to the boardroom,” Joe says. “Is this guy going to kick my ass if I go talk to him?”_ _

__Ben shakes his head. “You know, you’ve talked to him before,” he points out._ _

__“Shit,” Joe says suddenly, as if just realizing. “Fuck, that’s crazy how I didn’t even— man, he’s going to fucking _hate_ me, Ben, I can’t talk to him! He’s gonna wanna know why I didn’t warn him about this when I got his message. I can’t. I’ll— I’ll do whatever you need, but I can’t talk to him.”_ _

__“Okay, you run to medical to get Malek and Lee,” Ben says._ _

__“ _No_!” Joe exclaims, grabbing onto Ben’s arm. “I’m not ready to meet them yet. I mean, Malek’s my guy, I can’t— no way. _You_ go to medical!”_ _

__“I don’t want to meet Lee yet!” Ben says. “Did you see him, he passed out, I can’t deal with that right now.”_ _

__“Is there a problem, Hardy?” Eastaughffe asks, looking over at the two of them arguing in the back of the room._ _

__“Uh, no sir, I’m sorry, we’ll get you down to the boardroom in just a second.”_ _

__“I think it makes more sense for us to just stay here,” Eastaughffe says, “since all your people cleared out and all. We’re just going to wait for Malek and Lee to get back.”_ _

__Ben and Joe eye each other warily, and then Ben nods jerkily. “Yes, sir,” he says, grabbing Joe’s arm, pulling him out of the room. “Joe, I swear to fucking god if you’re my friend you’ll do this for me, go get them,” he says as soon as he thinks the crew can't hear them._ _

__Joe shakes his head quickly. “No fucking way am I your friend then. Gimme whatever you need printed off, I’ll go do that.”_ _

__“Joe, _please_ ,” Ben begs, squeezing Joe’s arm. “I’d owe you so much.”_ _

__“I’d really rather owe you,” Joe says, snatching his arm back from Ben’s grip. “Come on, how hard can it be?”_ _

__“ _Exactly_ ,” Ben says, reaching out for Joe’s arm again. “So go do it.”_ _

__“No way!”_ _

__“Joe, I am your superior,” Ben says as a last resort, and Joe rolls his eyes._ _

__“Oh fuck off with that, what are you going to do, rat me out to Inoue? He doesn’t care; he stayed in London so he doesn’t have to deal with this shit,” Joe says. “I’m not talking to Malek.”_ _

__“Well, I’m not talking to Lee,” Ben says, crossing his arms._ _

__“Are you about done with this?” Casali suddenly asks from behind them, and Ben jumps._ _

__“Uh, I’m sorry, sir,” Ben says, straightening up. “We just—”_ _

__“Save it, Hardy,” Casali says. “I sent the guard down to medical to get the crew for you, how does that sound?”_ _

__“That’s greatly appreciated sir, thank you,” Joe says._ _

__“You handled yourself pretty well in there with Eastaughffe,” Casali says, “but you still need to work on your people skills. Maybe get out of the office a bit more.”_ _

__Ben nods quickly. “Yes, sir, I know.”_ _

__“There are going to be a _lot_ of people coming at us with a lot of questions, Hardy,” Casali continues. “I can answer mine easily enough. Physics, time, facts. What are you going to do when Eastaughffe comes back to you, asking about what happened to his daughter?”_ _

__Ben opens his mouth to speak, but Casali just cuts him off._ _

__“Because you can tell him that she lived to be however old, died wherever, left however many kids,” Casali continues, “but that’s not going to help him feel better about the fact that he didn’t get to see her grow up, is it?”_ _

__“No sir,” Ben replies._ _

__“And whoever you’re partnered with, they’re going to want answers too,” Casali says. “Lee, I take it? And Malek?” he says, looking to Joe._ _

__Ben and Joe both nod._ _

__“Good luck, gentlemen,” Casali says, walking by them._ _

__Ben and Joe look uncomfortably at each other, and then look away, both feeling ashamed, feeling like they’ve already fucked this up. “I gotta go get the list,” Ben says quietly, glancing at Joe._ _

__“Yeah, I’ll go with you,” Joe replies.__

____

____

\+ + + + +

Rami can feel his hand shaking in Gwil’s as they ride in the lift back up to the meeting room, the guard having been sent down to the medical office to get them. Rami hasn’t been able to stop crying, his eyes are red and puffy. He bites down on his lip to try and stifle the quiet sobs as his shoulders shake with the force of it. He feels embarrassed by his lack of control over his emotions.

Gwilym, on the other hand, is just silent. He would only give the doctor short, one-word answers as she examined him. He’s barely even holding onto Rami’s hand, he feels like he doesn’t have the strength for it; their fingers are just loosely intertwined.

There’s a ding as the doors open, and Gwilym lets his hand slip from Rami’s. The guard steps out first, and the two of them walk out into the hallway. There are two IIS employees there; Rami recognizes one of them, with the red hair, as the one who caught his eye and apologized to him earlier. The man gives him an awkward wave now, and Rami nods once before he has to look away, more tears threatening to spill over. He reaches up to wipe at his eyes and lets out a quiet sob as the guard leads them into the meeting room, shutting the door behind them.

“How are you, Lee?” East asks from the front of the room, starting over to meet them.

Gwilym doesn’t reply, just meets East’s eyes and then looks away, briefly glancing at the other crew members. Some of them look about as empty and shell-shocked as he feels; others look like they’ve been crying as hard as Rami.

“Malek?” East asks, and Rami just shrugs weakly.

“Did you speak to them, sir?” Rami asks, voice rough and scratchy, and East nods with a sigh.

“I did,” East says, walking back to the front of the room, watching as Rami carefully takes a seat at the end of the aisle. Gwilym keeps standing, trying to move around a bit to distract himself. “A couple of them, the physicist and a— a policy kid.”

“Are they telling the truth?” Evans asks.

“Of course they’re not,” John snaps. “It’s bullshit.”

“ _Why_?” one of the other crew members cries.

“It’s torture,” John replies. “Some sick form of torture. Lie to us, pretend that everyone’s dead. Hell, maybe they _are_ really dead; they had everybody murdered just to hurt us.”

“They _wouldn’t_ ,” O’Sullivan says.

“We’re at _war_ ,” John says, “of course they would. What, you don’t think people are capable of that?”

“What would they get out of it, though?” Rami asks. “They already took all of our journals, our samples and reports, as soon as we got off the ship. They don’t need to make up a story like this.”

“It’s probably fun for them,” John mutters. “Don’t blame me if you’re too dumb to see it.”

Rami starts to cry even harder now, letting out a pathetic whimper as he drops his head. He and John usually get along so well; had done ever since they met in training. He didn’t want to be right; he’d give anything to be wrong, really, but the idea that John was right, well, that was awful too.

“We are _not_ going to fall apart,” East says loudly. “All of you stick together, no matter what. I don’t care what you think or how you feel, we _don’t_ turn on each other, understood?” He kicks out his leg, lightly hitting John’s shin. “I’m talking to you.”

“Yes, sir,” John says, but it doesn’t sound to a single person like he means it.

“What did they tell you?” another crew member asks.

East sighs, and drops down heavily on one of the tables at the front of the room, a white-knuckle grip on the edge. “The science. How it happened. It’s called time dilation.”

John scoffs next to Rami. “You _believe_ them?”

“Yes, I do!” East snaps, quickly standing back up. 

“Why?” Evans asks.

East sighs, and looks over at her. “Because they said they’re going to help us,” he replies. “And they said when we’re ready, we can leave, any one of us, we can go wherever we want. They said they’ll take care of us. Help us find a place to live, or a job.”

“I don’t _want_ to find a job,” Rami says quietly. Over the last year, he had come to assume he would just always work with the BIS, in London or maybe in a smaller branch, wherever they needed him. He couldn’t even begin to think about having to find something else to do, or somewhere else to go. Especially without Sami there to help talk him through it. His stomach twists as he thinks of his brother, and he starts to feel ill. Could he really be gone? Dead, without Rami having any clue?

“Or we can stay here,” East replies. “With them. With doctors, people to talk to. They said we can go to London, if we want. Or stay in Perth.”

“What if we just want to leave?” John asks, straightening up in his seat. “By ourselves, without their _'help_.'”

East shrugs. “Where are you going to go?” he asks.

John shakes his head, pushing himself up. “It doesn’t matter, does it? I did my job, you say I’m free to go, I’ll go. I’m not staying here with them!”

“There’s nowhere _to_ go!” East shouts. “All of our families are dead, John, you step out there and you haven’t a goddamn clue. How much do you think the world’s changed in a hundred years? Sit your goddamn ass back down.”

Rami flinches when John sits back down heavily next to him, and moves a couple inches over, closer to Gwilym, who’s still hovering beside him, silent.

“Perth, London, I don’t care, we can take a vote,” East continues, crossing his arms and starting to pace. “But we’re _not_ separating. Not yet, anyway. That’s an order.”

“Perth,” Gwilym says suddenly, and Rami looks up at him, eyes wide. “I live in Perth with Roger.”

“I…” East swallows hard and looks away, unsure of what to say. “Perth, alright, one vote.”

“Perth,” Rami says quickly, and he reaches out touch Gwilym’s arm. “It should be Perth.”

“Perth,” East says softly, looking around at the rest of the crew. “Listen, I know this isn’t what we want to be thinking about right now, but pretty soon a kid is going to come in here and he’s going to want to know the answer, so if nobody has any objections to us going back to Perth, that’s what I’m telling him.”

Nobody says anything, and East nods once. “Okay, Perth.”

They all turn to look at the door when they hear it open, and Rami watches as an IIS employee with blonde hair freezes at the door, a small stack of papers in his hands. He recognizes him from the hallway. “Uh, sorry,” the man says, and he slowly walks into the room, careful to avoid eye contact with all of them except East. “Commander Eastaughffe, sir,” he says softly, approaching him with the papers. “This is the list I told you about. Uh, all the information should be there. They’re all ready immediately, whenever you need them.”

“Thank you,” East says, taking the papers. He’s scanning them quickly as he says, “Crew, this is Hardy, he’s the IIS policy kid.”

Rami watches as Hardy flinches a bit at that. East doesn’t seem to notice, or doesn’t care. 

“Is there anything else I can help you with right now, sir?” Hardy asks.

“Perth,” East says, looking up at him.

“Perth,” Hardy echoes unsurely, and East nods.

“Yes, my crew took a vote,” East replies. “You want us to go to London, we’re staying in Perth. For now, anyway. Can you arrange that?”

Hardy looks a bit taken aback, but he recovers quickly, and nods. “Yes, sir, I can. Uh, I’ve also been asked to tell you that the meal hall is open, all day, for your crew. And there will be people posted everywhere to help direct you around the grounds. Therapists are ready. I can, uh, everyone’s things are being moved into more appropriate quarters for now, until we can get housing set up for you all, in the city.”

“Thank you, Hardy,” East says in a tone that Rami can tell means, that’s it, end of conversation, time to leave, Policy Kid. He’s heard that tone before.

“Right,” Hardy says, carefully backing away from East. He turns to hurry out of the room, brushing past Gwilym as he goes.

“What’s the list?” a crew member asks, carefully raising his hand.

East looks up from the papers, and then starts slowly handing them out, carefully checking the names on each of them. “We’ve all been assigned a partner,” he explains, moving around the room. “I know after this, all of you are going to want to get back into your beds and cry yourselves to death. Scream, fight, throw things, break them. That’s fine. But when that’s done, and it _will_ be done, you’re all going to need someone to talk to. There are doctors for that. But there are also IIS employees who are going to help you through this.” He stops in front of John, who looks up at him defiantly, refusing to take the paper. East sighs and awkwardly folds the paper, shoving it into the front pocket of John’s uniform. Next, he moves on to Rami, and then Gwilym, who takes the paper but doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even look at it.

Rami looks down at his paper, though, his name and ID number printed along the top. Underneath that is a photo of an IIS employee, the one with the red hair. Joseph F. Mazzello III. Rami frowns. Officer Mazzello? The one they spoke to on the radio? _That’s_ him? Rami breathes a small sigh of relief. He’s always been on the shyer, quieter side, spending most of his time with Sami or Gwilym. Approaching a stranger out of the blue makes his stomach twist, but he’s talked to Mazzello. He’s heard his voice. That might make it a bit easier. Beneath his photo is a section with his contact information: an address, three different telephone numbers, something called a chat ID number, and an…email? Rami frowns.

“Who do you have?” Rami asks quietly, turning to Gwilym.

Gwil’s still staring ahead, paper gripped tightly in his hands, still not having looked at it.

Rami carefully reaches out to take the paper from Gwilym. “Hardy?” he says in surprise, looking at the photo. He glances back up at Gwil, looking for a reaction. It doesn’t come, though. He folds the paper up with his, slipping them into his pocket. He’ll keep track of it for Gwil, who doesn’t seem to be in the state of mind to keep track of anything right now. All of a sudden, Rami feels exhausted; he’s stopped crying, but his entire body feels weak. But Gwil…Rami thinks he has to try to stay strong for Gwil. 

“Reach out to them whenever you want,” East says, moving back to the front of the room, setting the piece of paper with his name on it down on the table. “Hardy said he matched them up specifically for you, so they should be able to help. I want all of you to eat something, every day. Shower. I need you to take care of yourselves, alright?”

“Yes, sir,” some of the crew says softly.

“Alright,” East says. “Now, I’m going to grab something to eat before I head back to bed. Anyone who wants to is welcome to join me.” He walks past them, heading towards the door.

John quickly stands up, storming past Rami and Gwilym, pushing his way past East to head out into the hallway first.

Rami watches John in surprise, then stands up, grasping onto Gwilym’s arm. “Gwil?” he says softly. “Do you want something to eat?”

Gwilym just shakes his head.

“Do you want to shower?” Rami asks. Again, no. “Okay, let’s find your room,” he says, starting to lead Gwilym towards the door. He reaches up to wipe at his face, his cheeks feeling tight and itchy from all the tears that dried there. They walk out into the hallway, and are faced with the sight of John pushing East against the elevator doors, face red as he screams at him.

“You’re lying!” John yells, shoving him again. “You bastard, they’re _lying_ to us!”

East doesn’t say anything though, just stands there and takes it, John screaming and crying, spit flying as he grabs East by his shoulders and shoves him back again. 

“They killed them!” John says, and East just shakes his head.

“Stop it!” Rami says, stepping forward, letting go of Gwil’s arm. “Just stop it! Stop, you’re not helping!”

John turns around and shoves past Rami, sending him sprawling to the ground as he storms away.

Rami pushes himself up, feeling a bit like the wind was knocked of him, and then Gwil’s hands are on his arms, gently helping him to his feet. 

“Are you okay?” Gwil asks softly, examining Rami’s face.

Rami nods, and brushes himself off. “I’m alright,” he replies, “thank you.” He looks over at East, who’s just waiting for the elevator. “Sir?”

East glances behind him, face red, eyes shining.

“Are you alright?” Rami asks.

East lets out a broken laugh, and shakes his head. “You’ve got bigger things to worry about than me, Malek. Good luck,” he says to them.

“Wait, Commander!” Evans says, hurrying out of the room with a piece of paper in her hand. “You left this on the desk.”

It’s the contact information for the partner he’s been assigned, but East just shakes his head. “No, I’m fine,” he replies. The doors ding and open, and he steps inside. Evans and a couple other crew members get on with East, and then the doors close, leaving Gwil and Rami standing there together. 

“I’m going to shower,” Rami says quietly, mostly to himself.

“Maybe our rooms will be close to each other,” Gwilym says, looking down at him.

Rami looks up at that, smiling faintly. “Yeah, maybe. That’d be nice.” The other set of elevator doors open, and an IIS employee steps out, stopping when he sees them.

“Do you need help to your rooms?” the man asks, and Rami nods.

“That’d be brilliant, thank you,” Rami says, and he looks up at Gwilym, who quietly follows him into the elevator. Rami takes a deep breath, and reaches out, giving Gwil’s hand a gentle squeeze. He frowns a bit when Gwil doesn’t squeeze back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • whaaaaaa all four of them are finally in the same room together!! baby steps.  
> • I feel like after this, the angst starts coming and it don't stop coming for a few chapters, but it WILL get better.


	6. Chapter 6

Ben hangs up the phone, groaning loudly. He lets his head fall forward until he’s banging it on the desk in front of him. They’re in the office he’s been temporarily assigned— at least, he _thought_ it was temporarily. Now that they’re stuck in Perth, who knows how long it’ll be his for.

“Okay, calm down,” Joe says, reaching across the desk to awkwardly pat Ben on the shoulder. “So what? We move a few miles north—”

“A _few_?” Ben repeats, and Joe rolls his eyes with a scoff.

“Are you really complaining about moving to Scotland when there are twenty people who just had to move a hundred years?” Joe asks, and Ben sighs.

“Yeah, shit,” Ben mutters. “My bad. I just— I feel like I’m not ready for this. I mean, bugger moving to Scotland, what about the fact that we have to help these people? I don’t know how to do this. I’m going to fuck it up.”

“Ben, there is literally no game plan for this,” Joe says. “None. A crew of a bunch of ancient astronauts, showing up out of the blue? We can’t— I mean, I’m convinced, at least, that we can’t make it any worse.” He sighs. “How long until you think any of them actually reach out to us?”

Ben reaches up to scratch his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. “I don’t know. How much time would it take for you to want to talk to someone after your entire family was killed?” Joe doesn’t say anything, so Ben just sighs heavily. “Anyway, they’re moving all of our stuff up from London, it’ll be here tomorrow.”

“So, crew quarters?” Joe asks, and Ben nods.

“Fuck, I have to find places for all of _us_ to stay, and all of _them_ to stay…” Ben groans and starts hitting his head again.

“This can’t all be your job,” Joe says.

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know. Nobody else is doing it, so it sort of seems like it _is_ all my job. There’s not really a department for displaced time travellers. The IIS must’ve overlooked that one.”

“Don’t you have an assistant for this sort of thing?”

“No, I don’t. _I’m_ the assistant, Joe.”

“Well, you should hire somebody,” Joe says.

“Right, because I also have time for that,” Ben snaps, “knowing that at literally any second, a man from the 1930s could show up at my door asking me to explain television to him.”

Joe huffs a quiet laugh, then frowns. “Did they have TV in the ‘30s?” he asks.

“I don’t know, Joe,” Ben says, shaking his head.

“God, how are we supposed to help them if we know literally nothing about them?” Joe asks. “I mean, I could be like, hey, this is how…I don’t even know! I can’t think of an example. Toilet paper? No, they definitely had toilet paper in the ‘30s, I know that much. Right? Wait, I’m going to Google this.” Ben watches Joe quickly type on his phone. “Okay, 1800s,” Joe says with relief, and Ben sighs.

“This isn’t a joke, Joe,” Ben says.

“I know that,” Joe says, “don’t you think I know that? I mean, fuck, Ben. But— I want to help, but I feel like I don’t know anything to help. I said yes because you asked me to, not because I think I can actually go up to that guy and tell him hey, this is all going to be okay.”

“Is it?” Ben asks.

“Is it what?”

“All going to be okay?” Ben repeats. “I mean…how does this end, do you think? They stay here for awhile, talk to the doctors, then we put them into houses in Perth, and we hang out with them and take them to lunch and talk to them about…god knows what, and then? They’re just okay, then?”

“I don’t think so,” Joe replies. “I mean, eventually yeah, some of them will probably be okay. Maybe the ones that had fewer family members to lose, or something. But most of them, no. This doesn’t end well. It ends with them…becoming alcoholics with rage issues and severe depression because they hate themselves for taking a job that cost them everyone and everything they ever knew. They’ll all blame themselves, even though it’s not their fault, and they’ll hate us, even though it’s not our fault.”

“Well, if it ends like that anyway, then what’s the point in helping them?” Ben asks. “They don’t want our help, Joe. This was a stupid idea. I— I fucked up, I should’ve come up with something else. Doctors, therapists, yeah, that’s great, but none of them are going to want to talk to us. I dragged us all up here for nothing.”

“It’s _not_ stupid,” Joe says, reaching over the desk to grab onto Ben’s hand. “Okay? This is— we’re not trained for this. Okay? I don’t know what you did in orientation for strategy and policy but me talking to rovers for eight hours a day, it didn’t involve this. Nobody knew this was going to happen. You’re doing the best you can. And, you know what? _One_ of them is going to talk to us, I bet. And it’ll be worth it, because somehow we managed to help one person. And— even if they don’t, wouldn’t you rather they have the option and not need us, than want someone and us not be here? I know I would.”

Ben smiles across the desk at Joe, nodding. “Yeah, you’re right,” he says, straightening up. “Also, fuck me, right? I’m sitting here complaining that I actually have to do my fucking job, and there are twenty people who literally just— flew in from a hundred years ago. God, I sound like a bloody berk.”

“Yeah, well, I’m still not really impressed with either of us for our Malek and Lee medical argument,” Joe replies. “So, we both suck.”

“Agreed.”

“So, what do we do for now?” Joe asks. “I’m off the rovers, London’s handling them. Do I just…” he waves his hands around, “wait?”

Ben smiles brightly at him. “Uh, no, I think we have a new opening for the assistant to the assistant to the Chief of Strategy and Policy. Welcome aboard, Officer Mazzello, I look forward to working with you.”

Joe groans, his head falling back against his chair. “Okay, fine, what’s first on the to-do list?”

“Helping get everyone out of detention cells and into actual crew quarters,” Ben says. “And making sure that they all get their stuff back.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Joe replies. “We fucked that one up, huh?”

Ben shakes his head. “It wasn’t my idea.” He pushes his chair back and stands up. “You wanna get down there and help me with this?”

“Sure thing, boss,” Joe replies, and Ben gives him a grateful smile. He thinks maybe Joe’s right. They just have to help one person, and it will all be worth it. That’s it, just one. He just hopes they can.

\+ + + + +

As he gently sits down on the bed, Rami takes a deep, shaky breath, feeling his eyes well up with tears again. For the first time in his entire life, he feels truly alone. He’s always had Sami. Their entire lives, growing up together in London, when their father died, moving in together after leaving their mother to study at uni. When Rami took the position with the BIS and had to move to Perth, Sami gave up his job as a teacher to work at a school there in Scotland, just so they could stay together. Just so Rami wouldn’t have to be there alone. The entire time Rami was gone, even when he felt the weight of space crushing down on him, and the absolute emptiness of Luyten…

There was one day when the entire crew had remained on the Mercury, doing their work, and Rami had gone outside. For no reason, he just wanted to go for a walk, get off the ship, get some fresh air (it was a strange thought, fresh air on a planet so far away from Earth). Even being the only person on the whole of a planet’s surface, he didn’t feel alone. Looking up at Luyten’s sky, the distance between him and home so evident when he didn’t recognize a single constellation, he still had Sami with him. The knowledge that with every heartbeat, Sami’s heart, the same heart, was still beating back home. That his family would be there to welcome him with open arms as soon as he stepped off the Mercury. He never had to worry, like Gwil did, that his loved ones had assumed he died and had moved on, or replaced him. He could count on Sami in every way. The only person who knew _everything_ about him, things he hadn’t even shared with Gwilym. The knowledge that Sami was still out there, waiting for him, it’s what carried him to Luyten and back.

And now it’s gone. Because Sami’s gone. Dead for fifty years, at least, if Rami had to guess. Their father had died young; it wouldn’t surprise Rami if Sami had too. He reaches up, wiping at his cheeks. Would that be better? Would that make Rami happier? To know that Sami had died young, meaning he hadn’t had to spend as much time mourning Rami? Rami guiltily admits to himself that that _does_ sound better than knowing Sami lived into old age, a long life. A long life without him.

His shoulders start to shake with his sobs as he thinks, maybe Sami was lucky. Died in an accident in 1939, never had to realize that Rami wasn’t coming home. Died with the thought that he would still safely return.

It makes him feel like absolute shit, knowing that he’s wishing his brother lost out on so much. Except… _he’s_ lost out on so much too. He’s lost out on everything. His mother, his sister, his twin. There’s nothing left. He’s still alive, sure, what does that count for now? Why does he have to be nice, and hope that everyone lived long, happy lives without him? He’s got nothing, and if the world was fair, they’d have nothing too.

Rami quickly stands up off the bed, grabbing at the pillows and sheets, throwing them onto the ground. He starts pulling at the mattress, flipping it off the frame, turning it on its end, pushing it towards the desk. He knocks over his lamp. Then he starts screaming, picking up one of the pillows to start swinging it around the room, hitting the light fixture, the book shelf, knocking a picture frame off the wall. It smashes on the ground, and he steps on it, digging his boot into it, still screaming. 

He throws himself against one of the walls, punching at with his fists until the skin on his knuckles break and pain shoots up his arms. He wails and then collapses, kicking his feet against the floor until they start to hurt too.

He thinks about when they were younger, he and Sami, and Rami broke his arm falling out of a tree at school. It hurt more than anything else he’d ever felt before. But Sami said it hurt him too, that he could feel the pain in his arm. Breathing heavily, eyes filled with tears, Rami thinks back on the last year on the Mercury, trying to remember if he felt any unexplained pain. He reaches up, rubbing his hand over his chest, feeling his heartbeat. He wonders why his heart didn’t stop when Sami’s did. He wishes it did.

\+ + + + +

The room has obviously been made up by someone who wants him to feel as close to home as possible. His personal journal is on the desk, closed. His lab notebooks are there as well. His bag is on the floor, empty now. He walks over to the dresser, tugging open a drawer, finding what few clothes he had taken on the Mercury with him. They spent most of their time in BIS uniforms; Gwilym finds the next drawer is filled with IIS uniforms instead.

Gwilym looks up, eyes immediately filling with tears when he sees the photo of him and Roger together. It’s been framed, sitting on top of his dresser, Roger’s smile staring out at him like a cruel joke. That’s what the whole thing feels like, a cruel joke.

Gwilym sniffles, running his fingers around the picture frame. It makes him sick to know that they went through his things, they obviously read his journal if they found this. The idea that someone, some faceless IIS asshole, thought that they could touch this picture. Thought that they had the right to intrude on his life like this. There’s a pain in his chest as he looks as the picture, and he picks it up, gripping the frame tight. He wants to break it, wants to smash it to pieces against the wall, but he’s scared that if he does he won’t be able to stop and he’ll end up ripping the picture as well. He sobs and sets it back down on the dresser, walking away from it. He reaches up, wiping at his face as he starts pacing back and forth around the room.

It hits him all of a sudden, out of nowhere it feels like, that he’ll never see his parents again. It stings, a lot. But at the same time, it doesn’t. It hurts like hell that he never got to say goodbye, but part of him feels like that’s what it’s like to have older parents. Gwil was the youngest of four, and he’d always assumed that his parents wouldn’t be around for much more of his life. But his siblings? He smiles sadly, thinking of the last dinner they’d all managed to have together. God it’d been so long since he saw all of them together; it was hard for him to get away from training, and them to get up to Perth. 

His nieces and nephews, though. The ones he was supposed to watch grow up, become teenagers and adults with lives of their own. He never dreamed in a million years, never once, that he’d outlive them all. That shouldn’t be possible. What did they grow up thinking? What did his siblings tell them? That Uncle Gwil had just left one day, in a ship heading out into space? That something bad had happened and he couldn’t get back?

Or did they lie, and tell them that Gwil would home one day, that his ship was just lost, but that he’d never really leave them?

A sound like Gwil’s never heard himself make escapes his throat, and he collapses onto the floor. He sobs, face red, pressed against the carpet, snot and tears running heavily down his face. He wraps his arms around himself, praying, hoping, just _wishing_ that he still had someone with him. That just one person had survived, to be there with him to tell him that it would be okay. That his mum was there to wrap him up in her arms and rock him to sleep like she used to. That Rhiannon was there to tuck him in like she used to when they were kids, and she was pretending he was one of her dolls. That Roger was there to run his fingers through his hair, and sing softly to him, and tell him how much he loved him.

There’s a rotten twist in his stomach, and Gwil can barely scramble up to his feet fast enough to run into the small bathroom. He manages to make it to the sink, not the toilet, but it’s still better than the floor. He heaves, stomach muscles aching. He hasn’t eaten yet today, so there’s nothing for him to throw up, it’s just sour bile and he _hates_ it. His siblings always made fun of him for what a baby he turned into when he got sick; they always had to go to school, grumbling but fine, but his parents always let him stay home. The first time he was sick after he started dating Roger, Roger had come over to his flat and laughed right in his face, he looked so sad and pathetic, before starting to take care of him. Gwilym grumbled about dying; whenever he’s sick, he’s always convinced he’s dying.

Gwil turns on the tap, cupping the cold water in his hand to rinse out his mouth. He spits it out, and keeps the water running to clear out the sink as he lifts his head to the mirror. He looks like complete and utter _shit_. He also doesn’t give a single fuck, but he does think that maybe he should at least have some more water, and try at having a nap. He also contemplates just smashing his head against the mirror until he’s bleeding and broken. He pushes himself away from the sink, heading back out into the bedroom, dropping down heavily on the bed. It’s actually a decent size for him, and looks comfortable, but then he just starts to feel guilty. He’s thinking about his _mattress_ when everybody he ever knew is fucking dead. Dead and gone, and never knew what happened to him. What kind of piece of shit is he, he thinks.

The thought briefly crosses his mind that no, he’s not a piece of shit; if the roles were reversed, and any member of his family was here, alone, he’d want them to know that they were loved, and they were missed, and that he so desperately wanted them to try to be happy without him.

That just makes him cry even harder though. He curls up on the bed, wrapping his arm around one of the pillows, clutching it to his chest as he sobs. Eventually though, exhaustion catches up with him, and he drifts off, pillow still in his arms.

\+ + + + +

Ben and Joe walk into the meal hall together for breakfast the next morning, carefully scanning the crowd.

“Do you see any of them?” Joe asks quietly, looking around.

Ben pauses for a bit, then shakes his head. “No, not yet.”

“How do we make sure they eat?” Joe asks, sitting down at an empty table, opening his bottle of orange juice, taking a long drink.

“They all have doctors going to see them today,” Ben replies, digging into his eggs. “Hopefully they’re smart enough to tell them that. But, I mean, we can’t _make_ them do anything.”

“Feeding tubes?” Joe suggests, taking a bite of toast.

“ _No_ , Joe,” Ben says. “I mean, I don’t want them to starve to death, but I’m not forcing them to eat, or do anything. I want them to trust us, and be comfortable here. If that means we gotta wait a week for them to eat, so be it.”

“Hartstone will probably disagree with you,” Joe says.

Ben shrugs. “I really don’t care.”

“Ooh, really?” Joe asks with a smile. “I should tell her that, I’m sure she’d be happy to hear it.”

“I’m trying my best, Joe,” Ben insists, leaning over the table. “I don’t know what to do!”

Joe frowns. “I know, I’m sorry,” he says. “I— sorry. I was just joking. We’ll, no, you’re right. We can’t make them do anything. And honestly…” Joe looks around dramatically. “Fuck Hartstone,” he whispers.

Ben smiles, but still, he feels uneasy. “I’m worried, Joe,” he admits quietly.

“No, don’t be,” Joe says, “we got this. The doctors are going to help more than we can, I’m sure. At least we know they’ll be talking to someone today.”

Ben gives Joe a grateful smile, happy that at least his best friend is there to help him through this. They continue eating their breakfast together, mostly in silence, until Joe looks up and his eyes widen. “Holy shit,” he says, and Ben looks around wildly. “Look.”

Ben doesn’t see what Joe sees at first, just two IIS employees walking into meal hall together, but then Ben recognizes one of them as one of the volunteers, and one of them as… “Holy shit,” Ben agrees. It’s a Mercury crew member; one of the women, her eyes red and her nose puffy, obviously from crying. She’s looking around timidly, basically plastered to the side of the volunteer as they slowly walk to an empty table. She looks scared to death and honestly like shit, but Ben could still cry with happiness. At least _one_ of them is going to be okay. Or…at least one of them is going to try. “Oh my god.”

“That’s amazing,” Joe says, watching the two women, before realizing the Mercury crew probably don’t need to feel like they’re being stared at, so he looks away. “See, one down! Nineteen to go; we’re killing it.”

“Don’t get _too_ excited, Joe,” Ben says, even though he’s unable to keep himself from from feeling giddy. He knows it’s _way_ too soon to start feeling proud, but it’s the first time since starting on this project that he feels like they could actually accomplish something. Even if the volunteer had to drag the crew member out of her room by her arm; even if she eats this breakfast and then disappears for another week. It’s _something_. Ben feels like it has to be something, even the tiniest of victories.

\+ + + + +

Rami wakes up to a light knocking on his bedroom door. He has no idea how long he’s been out, he doesn’t really remember falling asleep at all. His neck is killing him though, where his head fell over, neck tilted at an awkward angle. His hand hurts like hell too. He groans as he straightens up a bit, shakily pushing himself off the floor. He glances around at the mess he’s made, and briefly feels guilty, but honestly, if whomever’s knocking wants to make him feel bad about it, he’ll slam the door in their face. He carefully opens the door, prepared to be faced with some supervisor, or someone who’s just there to pity him, or maybe even a journalist. Do people in the outside world know what’s happened to them?

Rami cries out in relief when he sees Gwilym standing there, and he throws the door open so that he can throw himself at him, wrapping his arms around him. Rami’s not sure what time it is, but imagines it can only have been a few hours since they last saw each other. He doesn’t want to be alone, though, and he’s _so_ happy to see him.

Gwilym stumbles back a little bit, but quickly steadies himself, pulling Rami in closely, squeezing him against his chest. 

Rami shakes in Gwilym’s arms, starting to softly cry. He takes a deep breath, knowing he should pull back, let Gwilym come in, but he doesn’t want to move. He just wants to stay here.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner,” Gwilym says eventually, gently playing with Rami’s hair, trying to soothe him. 

“Don’t,” Rami says, burying his face in Gwilym’s shirt.

“I shouldn’t have left you alone,” Gwilym continues, “I just needed a minute to myself. I came as soon as I woke up and saw the time.”

“It’s alright,” Rami assures him softly. “What time is it?”

Gwilym squeezes Rami tightly. “It’s morning, Ram,” he replies, and Rami pulls back in surprise.

“I slept all night?” he asks, and Gwilym shrugs. “It didn’t…it didn’t seem like it.” A day. It’s been a day now, since they’ve heard the truth then. And he’s survived.

“I think we both needed it,” Gwilym replies. “I know I did. But— I’m sorry,” he says again. “I should’ve been here. We should’ve been together.” Rami just nods. Gwilym huffs a small laugh. “Do you want help tidying up?” he asks, looking past Rami to his room.

Rami shakes his head, and pulls Gwilym back in. “No, leave it.”

They stand there in the doorway, hugging each other tightly, until Gwilym reluctantly pulls back. “I’d ask if you’re alright but…I know you’re not.”

Rami sniffles, wiping at his face. “I don’t think any of us are,” he admits. “So what do we do now?”

Gwilym shakes his head. “I don’t know,” he admits quietly. And it’s true. When he woke up, he couldn’t think of a single thing to do or say, except come see Rami. For the first time in a long time, there is no plan.

“I never thought I could miss someone this bad,” Rami says, and he steps back into his room, moving out of the way for Gwilym to walk in. He closes the door, and then collapses against it.

“Let me help you,” Gwilym says, walking over to Rami’s mattress, picking up one end.

“No, I said leave it,” Rami says quickly, hurrying over to him.

“Rami, please,” Gwilym says, looking over at him. “Just…I need the distraction, please. Yeah?”

Rami watches him for a moment, and then nods once. He reaches down, picking up the other end of his mattress, helping Gwil lift it up onto the frame. Quietly, they clean up Rami’s room as best they can, Gwilym carefully picking up pieces of broken glass, dumping them in the bin. Rami picks his sheets and pillows back up, making his bed.

“They brought your books,” Gwilym says, nodding towards the bookcase.

Rami nods and sits down on his bed, staring down at his lap.

Gwilym sniffles and sits down next to him, reaching out to gently squeeze his leg.

“What do we do?” Rami asks again, leaning against Gwilym, body drained with exhaustion and sadness. “I don’t know what to do, Gwil,” he says, voice breaking. “I’m so _scared_.”

Gwilym wraps his arm around Rami’s shoulder, pulling him in. He brushes his fingers through Rami’s hair, pressing his lips to his forehead. “So am I,” he says quietly, and he squeezes Rami against him. His whole body feels empty, it’s like his head is stuffed with cotton, and he wants to crawl back into bed and die, but he realizes, he was wrong yesterday. He _does_ still have someone with him. He just doesn’t know if that’s enough.

“I’m hungry,” Rami admits unhappily after a long moment of them sitting there in silence. He rubs his stomach. It’s been a day since he’s had anything to eat, and his stomach is aching.

Gwilym guiltily drops his arm from around Rami. He knows he should eat; neither of them have had anything since breakfast yesterday, before the meeting, but he’s not hungry. The thought of it still makes him a little ill, honestly. But he also knows he can’t leave Rami to go out there alone. That makes him feel even worse. He can handle being around people for a little while, can’t he? If he just keeps his head down and they stay to themselves?

“We don’t have to, though,” Rami says, looking at Gwil. “I’m— I’ll be okay.” He’s not sure that’s true, plus he’s dying of thirst, but Gwil looks uncomfortable.

“No, no, it’s— it’s alright,” Gwilym assures him. “Um, together is alright.”

They leave Rami’s room together, heading down the hall. Neither of them are entirely sure where the meal hall is, but they remember where it used to be, and they both hope that it hasn’t changed too much. They head up the stairs, and it isn’t long before they’re greeted by the wide open space of the meal hall, brightly lit with a glass wall along one side so they can see the beautiful nature outside. Gwilym glances over at Rami, who stops walking, taking a nervous breath. 

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” Rami says quietly, and his stomach starts to feel a little nauseous. “I— I want to go back.”

Gwilym wants to agree, to grab Rami’s hand and run back to their rooms, but he knows that if they don’t do this now, they never will. And Rami won’t do it without him. So as much as Gwilym doesn’t want to be there, he gives Rami a gentle smile and reaches down, squeezing his hand. “Come on, it’s alright,” he says, trying to guide him into the hall. “Just a quick bite. You’ll feel better.”

“No,” Rami says, trying to tug his hand out of Gwilym’s grip, “no, let’s— let’s go, I— Gwil, let’s go, please, okay?”

Gwilym sighs, glancing back and forth between the meal hall and Rami’s desperate face, and he genuinely doesn’t know which one to choose. One will be easier right now, but one will be better in the long run. This isn’t how he was expecting this to go; he thought that Rami would be the one having to drag him to meal hall, force him to meet with doctors and his volunteer, that Rami would be the responsible one, comforting him. He’s not quite sure how to handle this. “Wait here,” he says finally, and he guides Rami over to the wall. “Just— I’m going to grab you something, okay? We can eat in your room.” He turns to walk into the meal hall, but then he hears a broken sob behind him, and he looks back.

Rami hurries to him, tears running down his face, but he’s shaking his head. “No, I’ll—I’ll come. It’s okay.” He leans against Gwilym as they walk into the hall together, and he hopes that nobody is looking at them, but he knows they must be. Everybody there will want a look at them, like a sideshow. He follows Gwilym over to the counter, where thankfully there’s no line, and they each make their choices. They stick close together as they look around for an empty table; as they head over, Rami glances over at a redhead and a blonde sitting together, obviously watching them, but both poorly trying to hide it. “Look,” Rami says, nodding towards them.

Gwilym looks over, and both Mazzello and Hardy quickly look away, pretending to stare at the walls, the ceiling, anywhere but them.

“Should we go over?” Rami asks, glancing up at Gwil.

“Uh.” Gwilym swallows hard. He doesn’t even contemplate it, there’s no way he’s going over there, but if Rami really wants to, he doesn’t think he can stop him. “Do you want to?”

Rami shakes his head, sitting down at their own table.

Gwilym doesn’t say anything, but he feels a huge weight lift off his shoulders at that. _What a relief_ , he thinks. He has zero interest in talking to Hardy. He still hasn’t looked at the paper with his information on it; Rami still has it. He knows that they’re trying to help, and he does sort of appreciate that, in a way, but he doesn’t need it, and he doesn’t need him. He avoids looking over at them for the rest of their meal, but he can see them out of the corner of his eye when they get up to leave. He looks at Rami, who’s carefully watching them as they walk out of the room. Rami realizes Gwilym’s watching him, and he nervously looks away, going back to his food. Gwilym watches him for a moment longer, and then Rami looks up, nervously smiling. “You alright?” Gwilym asks.

Rami just nods quickly, going back to his food. “Yeah,” he says softly, eyes glancing over to the entrance of the hall.

Gwilym follows his eyes, just in time to see Hardy and Mazzello duck out of the door, finally heading down the hallway. “Did you want to talk to them?” he asks softly, hoping that he sounds nicer than he feels. He desperately wants Rami to say no. Because he’s not going over there.

Rami shakes his head. “No, they just— they look nice. That’s all.”

Gwilym doesn’t say anything to that, and he doesn’t say anything for the rest of their meal. They finish up in silence, and when they head towards the door, he’s startled by someone waiting for them.

“Mister Malek,” the man says, and Rami glances back at Gwilym.

“He’s my doctor,” Rami explains. “I’m gonna go, okay?”

Gwilym nods, reaching out to pat Rami on the arm. “Alright, yeah. I’m sure I’ve got an appointment too, I’ll— I’ll catch up with you for lunch, if you want, yeah?”

Rami nods eagerly, and follows his doctor down the hall. He nervously wraps his arms around himself, and glances back at Gwilym.

Gwilym gives him a friendly wave, trying to encourage him. He smiles a bit when Rami waves back, but as soon as Rami turns around, the smile drops from his face. His stomach immediately twists, and he recognizes the feeling right away. He’s homesick. He looks down, taking a couple deep, shaky breaths, and starts heading back to his own room.

\+ + + + +

Ben looks up from his laptop, looking over at Joe, who’s got an old-fashioned phonebook open in front of him, and a notepad beside him. “They still make those?” he asks in surprise.

Joe shrugs, running his finger down the page, making a quick note. “Wonders never cease,” he murmurs, and Ben smiles.

“Anything interesting?” Ben asks, trying to lean over a bit to see what Joe’s actually making note of, but Joe just moves the paper away. “What are you doing?” he asks, but Joe just covers up the paper even more. “ _Joe_!” Ben exclaims, reaching out to grab at the notepad, but Joe just laughs and moves it away from him.

“Stop it, Ben, I’m working,” Joe says, shaking his head.

“Are you?” Ben asks, holding out his hand for the paper.

Joe hesitates, looking back and forth between the notepad and Ben, and finally just shakes his head. “No,” he admits, and he hands it over.

Ben frowns as he looks at Joe’s notes; what started as a list of people in the phonebook with the last name Malek quickly turned into Joe’s sketching, and a short to-do list, including items like ‘ _shower schedule?_ ’ and ‘ _Ben’s sweaters_.’ Ben snorts with laughter. “What is this?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “Just some ideas I’ve had. Since we’re going to be roommates and all.”

Ben groans. Joe had insisted, _kept_ insisting, that it made no sense for them to both move to Perth and not live together; Joe would just end up at Ben’s place every day anyway. He also said it would make it easier to find them places to live, since they’d need one less. Ben’s still not entirely set on it, though. He loves Joe, best friend in the whole world, but Ben’s always liked living on his own. He moved out as soon as he could when he was younger, and hasn’t lived with anyone since. So even if it _does_ make sense, he really just doesn’t want to. He likes being able to go home at the end of the day and being able to just be.

Ben decides to ignore Joe’s comment for now though, and run his finger along the list of Maleks. “Any luck?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “I haven’t actually reached out to any of them yet. I’m not sure if they’re the right ones or not. I just…want to be ready. If he asks. I’m sure I could find them all online in a heartbeat anyway, I just…” Joe trails off, reaching up to push his fingers through his hair. “Should we have talked to them today?”

Ben frowns. “I don’t know,” he replies quietly. “I thought we decided it was up to them to talk to us. When they’re ready.”

“Right, but— they were _right_ there,” Joe says. “I could have just walked over and actually introduced myself, you know? Said something. I feel like a dick. What if he wants to say hi but he’s too scared? I mean, did you see him? He looked like he was crying.”

“Gwil looked annoyed,” Ben says. “He won’t even look at me.”

Joe frowns, shifting in his seat. “Gwil?” he repeats.

“Oh, uh, Lee,” Ben says quickly. “Gwilym— I heard Malek call him Gwil.”

Joe smiles at Ben in amusement. “Oh, really?” he asks. “You’ve got a nickname for him already?”

Ben scoffs. “ _No_ , I just— maybe that’s what he likes to be called. I don’t know. I’ll ask him, if I ever get the chance.”

Joe chuckles softly. “Alright, whatever you say. Gwil. Leave it to you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ben asks, crossing his arms.

“I mean, you purposely gave yourself the hottest guy,” Joe says, leaning back in his chair.

Ben’s eyes widen. “I did _not_!” he exclaims.

Joe snorts. “Yeah right! I mean, Ben, come _on_. I’m not blaming you, I don’t think you’re trying to like, take advantage of the guy or anything. But you’re literally the one who assigned us all, and you picked the hottest guy. Don’t deny it.”

“I _will_ ,” Ben says. “I— I didn’t pick him because he’s hot, Joe.”

“So you agree?” Joe asks, smirking. “You think he’s hot.”

“ _No_ ,” Ben replies quickly, but Joe just rolls his eyes.

“Now I know you’re lying,” Joe says. “I mean, fine, you want to say you didn’t pick him because he’s hot, that’s fine. I mean, you’re wrong, but that’s fine. But to say you don’t even find the guy attractive? You’re out of your damn mind. Lying to my face, I can’t believe it.”

Ben rolls his eyes, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Okay, _sure_ , he’s noticed that Lee is attractive, but that’s also _not_ why he picked him. He starts to feel a little flushed, embarrassed that Joe would think that. “Well, what about Malek?” he asks suddenly, trying anything to get Joe off his back for a second.

Joe’s about to reply when there’s a quick knock on Ben’s office door, and Hartstone is pushing her way in. Joe immediately straightens up, losing his smile.

Ben clears his throat, standing up to greet her. “Uh, hello, ma’am,” he says, gesturing towards the chair. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today,” he says, glancing over at Joe.

“Neither was I,” Hartstone says, not sitting down. Ben decides that he won’t either. “Mister Hardy, do you think this program is a success?”

Ben freezes. This is _not_ what he was expecting. “Uh, no ma’am. I mean, yes, ma’am. I mean.” He glances helplessly at Joe.

“Ma’am, it’s only been a day,” Joe says. “I know it feels like a lot longer, given everything that’s gone on, but I don’t think we can judge the success of the program right now, before most of them have even engaged in it.”

“We did see one of the crew members at breakfast today with her assigned partner, though,” Ben says quickly, desperate to try to save the conversation. “I think that’s a good sign.”

“And other crew members were there,” Joe says, “eating together. So, they’re leaving their rooms, at least.”

“And your plan is that we are to wait for the crew members to reach out to their partners, and not the other way around?” Hartstone asks.

Ben nods. “Yes, ma’am. I thought that would be easier on them. They’re still being seen by their doctors and therapists. But I thought that this part would go better if it was at the crew member’s pace. I don’t want them to be rushed into anything and feel overwhelmed.”

“And you think that will work?” Hartstone asks.

Ben glances at Joe, who just shrugs. “Uh, yes, ma’am, I do.”

Hartstone sighs, shaking her head. “Then why did we have a crew member kill themselves before their counselling session this morning?”

Ben’s mouth immediately goes dry, and he feels like vomiting. _Oh god_ he thinks, he’s going to be sick. He’s going to be sick right in front of Hartstone, and she’s going to fire him, and— someone's _dead_?

“Ma’am?” Joe says softly, slowly pushing himself up. “Are you— are you sure?” he asks, though he knows it’s a dumb question, of course she’s sure.

“Oh god,” Ben groans, his hand going up to his mouth. He can stop it, if he just takes a deep breath, it won’t happen. He feels woozy.

“I need you to get down to the crew quarters, Hardy,” Hartstone says. “We need this handled.”

“Handled?” Ben echoes. “I—”

“You mean cover it up?” Joe asks, voice shaking.

“No, I don’t mean cover it up,” Hartstone replies. “I mean we need to get it under control. Before too many people hear about it and get the same idea. The crew looked up to him, and if we don’t—”

Ben frowns, immediately worried. _Looked up to him?_ he thinks. “Ma’am,” he begins, voice shaky. “Who was it?”

\+ + + + +

There’s a knock on Rami’s door, and both he and his doctor look up. “Uh, maybe it’s for me?” Rami asks, frowning. “Should I get it?”

“Of course,” his doctor says, gesturing to the door.

Rami pushes himself off the bed and walks over, opening up the door. It’s no one he recognizes. “Yes?” he asks.

“I need to speak to—” the woman looks past Rami, to his doctor, and gestures at him. “I need to speak to you now,” she says.

Rami’s doctor gets up, confused, and walks over to the door.

“In private,” the woman says quickly, and Rami’s doctor glances back at him with a smile as he steps out into the hall, tugging the door closed but not all the way.

Rami frowns and hovers by the doorframe. He’s not _trying_ to eavesdrop, but they’re also not trying very hard to be quiet. Especially if they’re trying to have a private conversation. He stands there, listening to their frantic conversation, and his stomach starts to turn. He’s sure he’s misunderstood, or that they’ve misunderstood, that someone is wrong. But the longer they talk, the less likely it seems. _Gwil_ , he thinks, he needs to get to Gwil. Rami opens the door and steps out into the hallway.

“Uh, Mister Malek!” his doctor calls as he slips by them, but he just ignores him, moving quickly down the hallway to where Gwil’s room is just a short distance away. He knocks frantically at his door, bouncing up and down impatiently.

“What’s going on?” Gwilym asks, pulling open the door. “Rami, are you alright?” 

Rami shakes his head quickly, and reaches out, pulling on Gwilym’s arm. “We— we have to go, Gwil, he’s— oh god, Gwil,” he says, and he starts to cry.

Gwilym pulls Rami into a hug, rubbing his back, and looks up and down the hallway. He sees his doctor talking to Rami’s; clearly that’s why she hadn’t made it to their appointment yet. “Rami, what’s wrong?” he asks quietly.

“He’s _dead_ ,” Rami says, voice breaking. He clutches at Gwilym’s shirt, shoulders shaking.

Gwilym freezes. “Who?” he asks softly. Who else could there be? They’ve already lost so much.

“East,” Rami sobs, pulling back to meet Gwil’s eyes. “I— I heard them, they— they said he—”

Rami and Gwilym both look up as they hear frantic footsteps coming down the hall. It’s Hardy, trailed by Mazzello, both of them trying not to _run_ but both failing pretty badly. They duck out of the way of the doctors and keep coming towards them quickly. Gwilym catches Hardy’s eye as he moves past them, and immediately decides to follow the pair, grabbing onto Rami’s arm. The four of them quickly turn the corner and Gwilym bumps into Mazzello’s back as he comes to a stop in front of him.

“Sorry,” Mazzello says breathlessly, glancing back at them.

Hardy looks back at the three of them and then slowly walks forward. There are a number of IIS officials and medical officers outside East’s room, the door mostly closed.

Gwilym steps forward to follow him but Rami grabs onto him.

“No, Gwil,” Rami says, “don’t.”

Gwilym glances back and carefully lets go of Rami, leaving him with Mazzello as he follows behind Hardy. He hears Mazzello tell Rami it will be okay, and he can't believe that's true. Do any of them really think that's true?

Hardy makes it to East's room first, and reaches out, pushing open the door just a crack. He quickly turns around, putting his hand out to Gwil’s chest. “I don’t think you want to see this,” he says softly, meeting Gwilym’s eyes.

Gwilym just pushes Hardy’s hand down, and he steps aside as Gwilym moves to the doorway, looking in. He lets out a broken sob, bringing his fist to his mouth. He turns around and immediately sees Hardy watching him. He glances down the hallway to where Rami is still standing, crying softly, Mazzello watching on in a mix of sadness and horror. Gwilym looks back to Hardy, who takes an awkward step towards him, as if he's about to try to comfort him, and Gwilym just turns away, hurrying back to Rami, pulling him into his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • yay more angst and next chapter will hurt bUT ALSO one of our boys is finally going to reach out to someone.  
> • poor Ben is already so insecure about this and now it's getting worse!


	7. Chapter 7

Gwilym blinks slowly, looking up at his ceiling like he has been for hours. At least, it feels like it’s been hours. He’s lost all track of time since retreating to his room after East’s death, though he thinks it’s been a couple of days, maybe three. He’s refused to open his door to anyone, even Rami. That stings the most; he doesn’t want to shut his best friend out, not really, not when he knows he’s hurting just as much, and just down the hall, but it’ll be easier this way, he thinks. Easier for Rami to adjust to being without him. Because as much as he wants to help Rami through this, be there for him, even more so than that, Gwilym just wants to die.

He has done since they found out the truth, he supposes, once he realized he was never going to see Roger again, but East’s death has pushed him even further towards it. Gwil had been so in love with Roger for so long that he’d long since stopped imagining a life without him in it, even with the hateful laws against it. Gwilym smiles at the thought of Roger, reaching up to wipe at his eyes, realizing he’s started to tear up again. If he closes his eyes and shifts back against the pillows he has pressed against the wall, he can pretend that he’s back in his flat in Perth, curled up against Roger. He reaches out to thin air, touching nothing, but pretending he’s playing with his blonde hair. He smiles again, as if smiling at Roger. He can pretend he’s right there with him, smiling back. “I love you,” he says softly, and then twists his ring.

If it had been under any other circumstances, he’s not sure that East’s death would be affecting him like this. He liked him well enough, sure, and respected him as his commander. He was smart, and supportive, and easy to get along with, but they weren’t really friends. Close co-workers, yes; they had to be, given the circumstances of the mission. But if they’d come back in 1940 like they were supposed to, and East had died unexpectedly, of natural causes or not, Gwilym thinks he’d be sad. He’d be surprised. He would even miss him, sure. But now…Gwil feels abandoned. He doesn’t blame East, not at all. Nor does he take it personally; it’s not like he thinks East did it to hurt him, or any of them. He just realized he couldn’t live in this world alone, and didn’t plan on trying. But Gwil had put so much faith in East, as a leader, as his commander, had trusted him with his life in so many ways. And if East couldn’t stick it out, then why should Gwil even bother? Gwil’s not stronger than East; he’s not stronger than any of them.

Gwilym shifts on the bed, thinking back to the last time he saw East. East had stepped into the lift, telling them good luck. And he’d left without the contact information for his assigned partner, after being so sure to make everybody else take theirs. Gwilym frowns, realizing that East must’ve known then what he was going to do. Had probably known it as soon as he found out the truth, and knew he’d never see his wife and child again. He’d made sure that his crew was okay, that the program was in place, and then he ended it. Just like Gwilym had wanted to do the second he realized Roger was gone; that if what the IIS was saying was true, that Roger had lived the rest of his life thinking Gwil had died in 1939. But he _hadn’t_. He’d been there, in the stars, just beyond reach, writing him letters and dreaming of coming back to him, of how different life could be for them once he came home. And Roger hadn’t known any of it, would never know it. He’d never get to see Roger again, or hold him, or tell him he loved him. Because Roger had been dead for decades, _so_ many years gone, and Gwil was only one year older.

He’d tried to stay strong for Rami, knowing that he was missing Sami more than anything on Earth, that the twins had always been so close. Rami had never lived with anyone else until the year on the Mercury. They’d barely ever been apart. Gwilym sobs softly, shoulders shaking, thinking about what Rami will do without him. If then _he’ll_ want to die too. That makes Gwil cry even harder. He doesn’t want Rami to hurt himself, doesn’t want him to even think about it. He wants Rami to overcome this, to make new friends, like Officer Mazzello, maybe even find somebody to love, and move on from this. He loves him so much, he just wants Rami to be stronger than him. 

Gwilym hiccups with his sobs, and rolls over onto his other side, facing the wall, wrapping his arms around his pillow. He thinks about how much he’s going to miss Rami, or— he supposes he won’t, really. Gwil’s not really a religious man; it’s hard for him to square that with his strong belief in science, though he knows that it’s possible. So, he thinks, when he’s dead, he won’t miss anyone. And that’s the point: he’ll be gone, but at least he won’t be missing Roger. At least his heart will stop breaking.

\+ + + + +

Rami hovers awkwardly outside Gwilym’s door again, hand poised to knock. He takes a deep breath, trying to gather the courage. He shouldn’t feel scared to reach out to his best friend, but Gwilym hasn’t responded any other time he’s tried in the last four days. He hasn’t seen him in the meal hall, or in the hallways. He’s fairly certain Gwilym hasn’t left his room, and that nobody has gone in. Surely the IIS could get in if they needed though, right? Is his doctor checking up on him? After East, Rami’s doctor has been checking in with him twice a day. Gwil’s doctor wouldn’t just leave him, would they? He thinks about trying to track them down, beg them to check in on him. Or ask his own doctor to do it.

Rami does knock, eventually, but he gets no response, just like he expected. He presses his ear to the door, briefly, but hears nothing. He sighs, thinks about pounding on the door, screaming Gwil’s name until he _has_ to open up, but he doesn’t. He just walks away.

Rami hadn’t expected East’s death to hit Gwil like this. It had hit them all _hard_ , absolutely. After they’d watched the medical officers take his body out of the room on a stretcher, blanket over top of him, Hardy had led them to a meeting room while Mazzello had gone to round up the other crew members. They were shocked, to say the least. Even John, whose last interaction with East had gone so poorly (Rami didn’t even know that John was still with the IIS, he’d assumed that he’d taken his things and left; it turned out he’s still planning on it), was saddened by the news. Rami, of course, had cried through the entire meeting, sitting beside Gwil, clutching at his hand. Gwil hadn’t cried at all, it seemed, but once they were briefed, Gwil had hurried back to his room and disappeared. He’d opened his door once later that day to tell Rami to leave him alone, and that was it.

Rami had gone back to his own room and cried. Cried himself to sleep and felt like absolute shit when he woke up the next day. His heart ached; he missed his family, his _brother_ , and now he had to miss East too. But Rami had woken up that morning realizing something. He’d never known anybody who actually killed themselves before. Sure, he’d heard of people doing it, knew friends of friends, but there wasn’t anybody in _his_ life that had ever done it. And Rami had considered it, briefly, the first night after they found out, as he’d thrown everything around his room and he’d collapsed on the floor. But now, knowing that East had done it, seeing what it had done to the rest of them, realizing how it made him feel after somebody he knew and respected and cared about had done it…Rami didn’t want to anymore. He couldn’t imagine it. He knew he’d be sad, he’d be heartbroken for a long time. But, he remembers, he had healed from his father’s death. He misses him, all the time, of course he does, and some days hurt more than others, but the ache faded, replaced by his work and his friendship with Gwil and Roger, and the excitement of Project Mercury. And he remembers when his father died, how he thought he’d never get over it, that the pain would never go away, it would always feel like an open wound in his heart. But he was wrong. He just has to remember that. He just has to focus on getting better. On the future.

Rami goes to the meal hall alone, filling his tray with a small salad, a tuna sandwich on some sort of fancy bun, and a piece of pie for dessert. There’s no one he really recognizes in the room, so he just takes a seat by himself. He eats quietly, wishing that he’d thought to bring a book from his room with him. He looks outside, seeing how sunny it is, a beautiful blue sky above all the greenery, and he decides that after he’s done eating, he’ll run to his room to grab a book, and find a spot outside. He wonders if he should knock on Gwil’s door again on the way, but decides against it. He will find someone to check on him, though, he promises himself that.

\+ + + + +

Rami tugs on his sweater and heads out across the grass, looking around for a cozy place to read. He hasn’t explored outside at all, and wonders how similar the layout of the grounds is compared to when he was last there. There used to be a small seating area near the track they used for jogging. Rami looks around, trying to orient himself. He thinks he’s on the opposite side of the building from where the track is, so he walks around the side, and just sees more trees. He frowns. There’s a small path, though, and Rami decides to follow that. He’ll see where it goes for a few minutes, not taking a step off it. Maybe he’ll find somewhere to read in there.

Rami smiles as the trees open up onto a small body of water, with the path continuing around it. Rami doesn’t remember this being here; he thinks it must be manmade, for what purpose, he doesn’t know. But it’s a beautiful sight, if nothing else. He looks around; the path looks fairly worn, so he assumes it’s regularly used by IIS employees, but there doesn’t seem to be anyone else out there now. The only place to sit is a small bench, maybe not the most comfortable, but Rami happily takes a seat, and opens his book. It’s _The A.B.C. Murders_ , not his favourite of the Poirot books, but he’s rereading them in order, and he’s not going to skip any. He is getting a bit tired of the same stories, though. He wonders how many more books Agatha Christie wrote after 1939. Or any of his other favourite authors. That will have to be something he gets Officer Mazzello—no, _Joseph_ , to help him with.

Rami freezes. It’s the first time he’s seriously considered asking Joseph for help, actually reaching out to him. Even when he’d seen him in meal hall, or when he’d been there at East’s room, it was just sort of a passing idea, nothing that he’d planned on doing. Honestly, he felt a bit guilty at the idea of it. Joseph had a job, a real job with the IIS, he had talked to them on the radio. And now he was stuck here, waiting for Rami to talk to him just so he could babysit him. He can’t imagine it’s what Joseph wants to actually be doing. But…he did volunteer, didn’t he? If he had a real job, it’s not likely that somebody made him partner with Rami. Except maybe Hardy, who seems to be in charge of the whole thing, and is clearly Joseph’s best friend. 

Rami sighs. He’s not sure he has the courage in him to speak to Joseph on his own, not without Gwil to back him up, but it’s obvious that he can’t rely on Gwil to help him with this, and maybe not anything. So Rami can keep going to meal hall alone, and speaking to no one but his doctor, or he can finally just dial one of those numbers on the contact sheet he has. 

He actually imagines it, speaking to Joseph on the phone, asking him to meet with him. It makes his stomach twist into knots. He frowns, thinking that maybe he’ll just keep going to meal hall alone for now. He doesn’t need a new book _that_ bad.

\+ + + + +

Rami drops his book off in his room before heading down the hallway to Gwil’s room once again. He knocks a couple times, and softly calls Gwil’s name, waiting a few moments for a response. “Please talk to me,” he says, pressing his hand to the door. He takes a deep breath, and then walks away. He starts wandering around the halls, having no idea where his doctor’s office actually is; whether it’s even in this building or another one. There aren’t a lot of signs posted around, and though he keeps seeing IIS employees, he’s too nervous to speak to any of them. He steps into the lift, going up a floor, looking around. He does this on a few more floors, until he starts to feel embarrassed, realizing that if anybody was watching him, he’d look like an idiot. Plus, he’s starting to get hungry again. He goes back down to the meal hall and gets his dinner, sitting quietly by himself at a table near the wall of windows so that he can watch outside. He spent so long just looking at the stars, he’s enjoying the change of scenery.

Rami also keeps glancing around the meal hall, watching employees file in and out, most of them in small groups; only a few are on their own like him. He keeps hoping that he’ll see someone he recognizes, either his doctor or Gwil’s, but no luck. Maybe they have their own meal hall, he thinks, and don’t interact with the rest of the IIS. He wishes he had thought to ask his doctor for his number so that he could call him. He’s starting to feel guilty that he’s sitting there eating his dinner when Gwil is alone in his room, when he finally sees someone he knows. Well, recognizes, anyway. And for once, he’s alone, which strikes Rami as odd. He watches him go over to the counter, grab his food, and take a seat by himself a few tables away. Rami doesn’t want to speak to him, he feels his stomach twisting nervously as he thinks about it, but he has to, for Gwil. 

Rami slowly pushes his chair back from the table, fiddling nervously with the sleeves of his sweater as he walks over to Hardy, eyes staring down at his feet. “Uh, hi,” he says quietly, not looking up at him.

“Hi,” Hardy says, sounding surprised to see him.

“I’m Rami,” he says, finally meeting Hardy’s eyes, awkwardly sticking out his hand after a moment.

“I— I know,” Hardy says, and he takes Rami’s hand in his, giving him a firm shake. “Nice to meet you, Rami. I’m Ben.”

Rami smiles. That’s a much nicer name, he thinks. “Can I call you that?” he asks, and he looks away again nervously.

Ben nods, smiling back. “Of course. Uh, did you want to sit?” he asks, gesturing to the empty chairs at the table. “Is everything alright?”

Rami shakes his head, but he sits down across from Ben, looking down at his hands. “It’s my friend, Gwil,” he says. “I think he needs help.”

Ben frowns, leaning closer to Rami. “Is he alright?” he asks.

Rami shakes his head again. “No. I haven’t seen him since— since East—” He trails off, looking at Ben. He sees the look on Ben’s face, sad and full of pity, and then looks away again. “He hasn’t left his room.”

“At all?” Ben asks. “It’s been days.”

Rami shakes his head. “No. Not that I’ve seen, anyway. He— I knock and he won’t answer. I’m really worried that he’ll— well, that…I wanted to get someone to check in on him. Can you help? I don’t know if he’s been seeing his doctor or not, but I thought that someone must be able to get in, to see him. His doctor could check on him to make sure he’s…” Rami shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “I’m worried,” he says.

Ben nods quickly. “Yeah, absolutely. I— I’ll go call his doctor right away, and make sure that someone gets in to see him, alright? Did you want to come with me?”

“To Gwil’s room?” Rami asks.

“No, to my office first,” Ben explains. “I’m not sure— I’d have to ask his doctor if you’re allowed in there or not. And you might not…” Ben clears his throat gently. “You might not want to see.”

“I don’t want to be a bother,” Rami says. “And you should— you should finish eating first, I— I should’ve waited until you were done before coming over.”

Ben smiles and carefully reaches out, gently patting Rami’s hand. “It’s alright,” he says, “it’s my job. Are _you_ alright?” he asks.

Rami looks at him in confusion. “How do you mean?” he asks.

“Well, uh,” Ben sighs, looking around. “I mean, are you alright? Are you—”

“I’m okay,” Rami says quietly. He’s not sure if that’s really true, or if it’s a lie to make Ben feel better, or so he’ll focus back on Gwil.

There’s a long moment of awkward silence before Ben finally pushes his chair back from the table, smiling down at Rami. “Are you coming?” he asks, and Rami stares at a him for a moment before nodding, pushing his chair back as well. He follows a few feet behind Ben, walking to the lift. They stay silent on the ride up, and during the walk to Ben’s office.

“Just gimme a sec to find the number,” Ben says, sitting down at his desk, opening his laptop.

Rami looks around Ben’s office, realizing that it’s quite empty. He’d expected to see photos, books, a degree of some kind, but there’s nothing. He wants to comment on it, ask Ben about it, but he doesn’t want to offend him.

Ben picks up his phone and dials the number as Rami keeps pacing around, walking over to the window. It’s a pretty enough view, but really, every view here is beautiful. He keeps his face almost pressed to the glass, leaning against the wall, as Ben speaks to the doctor, explaining the situation.

Rami turns around when Ben hangs up, feeling awkward in his office. More than awkward, actually, he feels…it’s inexplicable, really. To look at them, he doesn’t think anyone would suspect, they both seem so normal. But Ben is at ease here, even as young as he is, doing his job as soon as he realized there was a problem. Whereas Rami feels like a science experiment. Like he’s someone’s responsibility. Like he doesn’t belong in Ben’s office, or in this world. He also just feels dumb, something he’s not used to. He shouldn’t; he’s an avionics expert, part of the first crew in history to travel to another planet. He put in the time and effort to get where he was. But that was 100 years ago. He feels like he knows nothing; that all the work he did is worthless. Ben is the one doing real work here. Ben is the one who knows things. Everything Rami knows about Earth ended after 1939. Ben would probably laugh at him if he heard some of the questions Rami’s come up with over the last few days.

It’s not just the nerves of meeting new people that’s keeping Rami from reaching out to Joseph. It’s the fear that he’ll speak to him and realize exactly how much about the world he doesn’t know.

“She’s going to check on Gwil right away,” Ben says, giving Rami a quick smile. “She doesn’t think it’d be a good idea for you to be there right now, when she goes in, just in case, but she’s going to get back to me. And she’s going to ask him if he’s willing to talk to you.”

Rami nods. “Thank you,” he says quietly.

“Did you want me to walk you back your room?” Ben asks.

Rami shakes his head. “No, I can find it, thank you,” he replies. He moves towards the door, but then Ben starts to speak.

“I—” Ben starts, waiting to see if Rami will pause for him. He does. “I know you’re probably nervous,” he says, “and I don’t blame you, but Joe’s my best friend, and he’s really looking forward to talking to you sometime.”

“Joe?” Rami repeats. “Joseph?”

Ben nods, smiling. “Joe’s fine, but I’m sure if you want to call him Joseph, he won’t complain. Uh, he’s— he wants to talk to you. He’s just, he’s worried you won’t like him, actually.”

Rami can’t imagine that. “Uh, I’ve thought about it,” he admits. “I’m not sure— I don’t know.”

Ben nods again. “That’s alright, I understand. I just wanted to let you know. He’s really nice, you don’t have to be worried, I promise.”

Rami nods. “Do you want to talk to Gwil?” he asks.

Ben opens his mouth to speak, then pauses. “Uh, well, sure, I want to. I’m really happy _you_ spoke to me, too. But yeah, once Gwil is feeling up to it, I’d love to meet him.”

“Really?” Rami asks.

Ben nods eagerly. “Yeah, of course. Did you— did you think we didn’t want to?”

Rami shrugs. “It’s an odd job,” he says, as if that’s not a huge understatement. “And I don’t want to be a bother.” 

Ben shakes his head quickly, standing up. “No, it’s no bother, not at all. Um, you’ll probably talk to him first, but you can tell Gwil that I’d like to meet him. Whenever he wants.” He walks over to Rami, giving him an awkward smile. “Can I…tell Joe that he can talk to you?” he asks. “Just, if he sees you?”

Rami thinks about it. Maybe that would be easier. He doesn’t really want Joe to search him out or anything, but if they happened to run into each other, maybe that would be okay. “I wouldn’t mind,” he says finally.

Ben nods. “Alright. Are you sure you can find your way back down?” he asks.

Rami nods. “Yes, thank you.”

“Actually,” Ben says, “do you mind if I head down with you? I’m going to run back and finish my dinner.”

“Right, I’m sorry,” Rami says, and Ben just shakes his head.

“No, don’t worry about it,” Ben assures him, and they start walking out of his office together. “I’m glad you told me. I’m sure he’ll be okay, he’s just…well, you know him better than me, so I’m sure you know.”

Rami nods, and they ride down in silence. They get out at the meal hall, and Ben turns to him. 

“Did you want to come with?” Ben asks, but Rami just shakes his head.

“No, thank you,” he says. “I’m going to go back to my room, I think.”

“Alright, have a good night then,” Ben says, waving at Rami as he heads back into the meal hall.

Rami heads down to the crew quarters, wondering if he should take the route that leads him past Gwil’s room or not. He decides not; if Gwil’s doctor shows up and opens the door while he’s walking past…he doesn’t want to think about what he’ll see in there. He goes to his room and looks around for a moment before sitting at his desk. He quickly finds the piece of paper with Ben’s contact information on it, the one he’s been holding onto for Gwil. He folds it, and grabs a pen, writing along the back of it. He wants Gwil to reach out to somebody. Maybe it can’t be him; he doesn’t know why, maybe Rami reminds him too much of home, but if it can’t be him then Ben seems nice enough. Rami heads back out into the hallway, carefully looking each way. It’s empty; either Gwil’s doctor hasn’t arrived yet or she’s already in there. He quickly runs down the hall to Gwil’s room and leans down, sliding the paper under his door. “I miss you,” he says softly, then stands up, walking back to his room.

A couple hours later, there’s a knock at Rami’s door. He flies to it, pulling it open, hoping to see Gwil. He doesn’t, though, and can barely contain his disappointment. He hopes it’s not obvious on his face.

“Hi,” Ben says, giving him a quick wave.

“Hi,” Rami says, trying to give him a polite smile.

“I uh, I’m sorry to just drop in like this,” Ben says, “but I wanted to let you know that Gwil’s doctor went to see him.”

Rami swallows hard, stomach twisting nervously. He grips at the door, trying to keep calm. Ben hasn’t said anything yet, there’s no reason for him to worry yet. He needs to keep himself in control.

“She brought him food, made sure he ate it,” Ben says. “I…I’m not really supposed to be telling you, but I just wanted to let you know that he’s…he didn’t—”

“Thank you,” Rami says, his grip on the door loosening just a bit. 

“And she told him that you want to see him,” Ben continues. “I don’t know what he said. She said he’s—”

“He misses Roger,” Rami says.

“Roger?” Ben repeats.

Rami nods. “His boyfriend.” Then he freezes, realizing he shouldn’t have said that. IIS didn’t know that Gwilym was in a relationship with Roger. Just that they were roommates, and close friends. What if Gwil got in trouble? Would they arrest him? Oh god, would Gwil be put back in quarantine? Sent to prison?

“Oh,” Ben says quietly, “I’m really sorry to hear that, I didn’t realize. But I guess, things were different back then, he probably didn’t…no one knew, I’m guessing.”

Rami shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, it’s alright,” Ben assures him. “Don’t worry. Um, I’m sorry. And, to you, I’m sorry too. I’m sure you’re tired of people saying that to you and that it doesn’t actually help, but…I am. About your brother, and your family.”

Rami nods. “Thank you.”

Ben gives him a comforting smile. “Anyway, I don’t want to disturb you, I just wanted to let you know. About Gwil. I hope that he’ll reach out to you soon. His doctor is going to keep checking in on him.”

“Thank you,” Rami says again.

Ben nods. “Alright. Have a good night, Rami.”

“You too, Ben,” Rami says, waving at him, then carefully shutting the door behind him. Rami leans against the door, taking a deep breath. Ben said it must have been different back then; Rami wonders what it’s like now, then. Is it okay now? He frowns, swallowing hard. He’d never told anybody about his feelings; not Gwil, not Roger. Certainly not his mum. He thought maybe Sami had guessed it, his brother knew everything about him, after all, but he still never said it aloud. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone, and he was scared it would get out, and it was just easier to pretend that nobody interested him at all. Gwil was all the time teasing him about finding someone to settle down with, but Rami always just shrugged it off like he was too busy, or that he just didn't care. It was different for Gwil and Roger. They’d still get in trouble, people would still hate them. But for Rami, most people didn’t see him as really British anyway, even though he was born there just like everyone else. He and his family were already seen as weird, as strange and foreign. If anybody found out…Rami couldn’t imagine how bad it would’ve been for them all. 

But maybe if it’s different now…

Rami shakes his head and walks over to his desk, sitting down. _It doesn’t matter anyway_ , he thinks. He couldn’t fall in love back then because of the law. And now, who would want to fall in love with him? He’s a hundred years from home, and knows nothing about the way the world works anymore. Nobody would want to put up with him.

He sniffles, reaching up to wipe at his face. He feels tired of all a sudden, exhausted and defeated, but he’s too lazy to get up and move to his bed, so he just settles down in his chair, resting against his desk, hoping that Gwil will come see him soon.

\+ + + + +

When Rami still hasn’t heard from Gwil by lunch the next day, he’s torn. He doesn’t want to bother him; especially now that he knows he’s okay. Or, at least, if not okay, alive. He knows Gwil needs time to heal. But he’s also lonely. He misses his best friend. It almost feels not fair for him to be alone right now. He’s almost angry with it; why is it okay for Gwil to just ignore him, and leave him alone? Why doesn’t Rami get to have someone care about if _he’s_ okay? Gwil hasn’t sent his doctor to come check on him.

He grabs his book and heads to meal hall, hoping that he’ll see Gwil there, or even Ben, but he doesn’t. He sees another crew member, but she’s sitting with who he assumes must be her assigned partner, and he honestly just doesn’t want to talk to her. He just sits quietly, reading while he eats, then he heads outside. He walks down the path to the water, and takes his seat on the bench. Once again, there’s no one there. Maybe IIS employees don’t come out here, for some reason. That’s fine by him. He settles in and opens his book.

\+ + + + +

Frankly, Joe is going stir crazy inside all day. He can’t wait for them to move out of the crew quarters and get to actually stay _in_ Perth, where there are actual things to do. Movies, and restaurants, and bars, and fun! The Space Operations Centre wasn’t designed for anybody to actually _live_ in it full-time.

Despite everything in his body thinking that this is going to be an awful idea, Joe tugs on his hoodie, and crouches down to tie his sneakers. He puts in his earbuds and goes to the music app on his watch, classic rock starting to pump into his ears. He slips out of his room and down the hall, pushing open the doors. He runs across the grass, trying to find a comfortable pace as he heads down the path that he spotted a couple days earlier. He does sort of like running; it tends to end up hurting at some point, and he knows he doesn’t look very coordinated, but he always feels like he’s training to be some sort of Olympic athlete or something. Or like he’s in a horror movie. Or he’s an action star. Basically anything; he just listens to the music and his imagination runs wild. 

The trees open up to the reservoir and he keeps going left on the path until something in the corner of his eye to the right stops him. Someone’s sitting on the bench, reading. No, not just someone.

“Malek?” Joe says, already a bit out of breath. He takes out one of his earbuds, taking a step towards him, then pauses. When they were hanging out in his room the night before, Ben had told him that he’d finally met Malek, actually spoke to him, and that he should say hi the next time he saw him. Joe was on definitely on board with it, but reading alone in such a quiet spot, he definitely doesn’t assume Malek came here to be disturbed. “Sorry,” he says, waving at him. “I’ll leave you.”

“No, it’s okay,” Malek says, closing his book and standing up. He awkwardly shifts on his feet, and then takes a couple steps towards him, offering Joe his hand. “You can call me Rami,” he says, and Joe smiles brightly at him.

“Rami, it’s nice to finally meet you,” Joe says, shaking his hand. “I’m Joe.”

Rami nods eagerly at him. “I— I know. You’re— Officer Mazzello, the one who talked to us on the ship.”

Joe’s smile disappears and he looks away, ashamed and embarrassed. “Yeah, I’m really sorry about that,” he says.

Rami frowns. “About what?” he asks.

Joe sighs and shrugs. “I— I _wanted_ to tell you. But they took a vote, and— I’m nobody around here, really, I mean, I was working with rovers when you guys came on the radio, they didn’t give a shit about what I thought. But I felt horrible lying to you. I…hate that I didn’t say anything. I’m sorry.”

Rami bites down on his lip, and then just shakes his head. “No, it— it wasn’t your fault. You were really nice to us. It was…it made it easier to come back. We were all nervous, but you made us feel welcomed.”

“Oh.” It’s all Joe can think to say. Wow, he feels dumb, but also relieved. Rami shifts on his feet in front of him, obviously uncomfortable, and Joe glances back at the path. “Um, I’m sorry for bothering you,” he says, gesturing towards Rami’s book. “I’ll leave you to it.”

“Oh,” Rami says, looking away. Joe thinks he almost looks disappointed. “Alright.”

“Uh, do you want to come with?” Joe asks, glancing back at the path. “Or, have you eaten? We can get lunch.”

“I already ate,” Rami replies. “But uh, I wouldn’t mind— we can go for a walk?” he asks.

Joe nods eagerly. “Yeah, sure.” He takes out his other earbud and turns off the music on his watch, noticing Rami watch him. “Do you want to see?” he asks, lifting his wrist up.

Rami looks up to meet Joe’s eyes, seeing that there’s nothing mocking about the question, Joe’s genuinely asking him, and then nods once. 

Joe holds his wrist up to Rami, shifting a little closer to him. “So, it’s just a watch,” he says. “The power button is just on the side here. And then you use this to scroll and zoom in, plus it’s a home button.” Joe presses the button and goes to the applications page. “These are all the things you can use it for. I was just listening to music, plus it tracks like, how many steps I take, and how often I stand in a day. And then if you just hit this again, it just goes back to being a watch.” He looks at Rami’s face, and smiles. “Cool?” he asks.

“Cool?” Rami repeats, confused.

“Uh…” Joe trails off, wondering if maybe that wasn’t a word in the 1930s. “Like, it means…” _Oh god_ , Joe thinks, dropping his wrist to his side. How the hell do you define it? “It means something that people like. It’s popular and…neat. Or just something you like. If you like something, it’s cool.”

“Oh,” Rami says quietly, nodding once. “I’m not sure if Britain had that one yet.”

“No, maybe not,” Joe says, feeling a bit embarrassed. “That’s okay! That’s what I’m here for. To help.”

Rami nods. “Yeah. Right. Cool.” He shifts nervously.

Joe smiles. “Uh, so…where are you from?” he asks. He starts walking, and a moment later, Rami starts following beside him. Then he realizes he _knows_ where Rami’s from, it’s in his files, but he doesn’t want to sound dumb and correct himself.

“London,” Rami replies. “My parents are from Cairo, though.”

“We have an office there,” Joe says, glancing at Rami. “If that interests you.”

Rami shrugs noncommittally. “Where are you from?” he asks instead.

“New York,” Joe replies.

“Really?” Rami asks. “That’s so…I’ve seen pictures. And in films. It’s so big. Are you from the city? Like, New York City?”

Joe chuckles softly. “Uh, no, not New York City. I’ve spent a lot of time there though, I mean. But Hyde Park.”

“Like in London?”

Joe shrugs. “Uh, I’m not sure if it’s named after that or not, really. Maybe? It wouldn’t surprise me. But it’s a couple hours north of the city. Near Poughkeepsie? I don’t know if you’ve heard of that.”

Rami shakes his head. “Is it nice?” he asks.

Joe shrugs again. “It’s pretty. It’s small, though. It’s just a town, really. Even smaller than Perth. Not much going on, even now. But that’s okay.” He smiles over at Rami. “What are you reading, anyway?” he asks.

“ _The A.B.C. Murders_ ,” Rami replies, holding the book up.

“Oh, Agatha Christie,” Joe says, looking at the cover. “Cool. You like her?”

Rami nods. “I’ve always liked mysteries, and she writes the best ones.” He’s quiet for a moment, then looks over at Joe. “Do you know— did she write a lot more after 1939?”

Joe laughs, then apologizes when he sees the look on Rami’s face. “Uh, yeah. A lot. I think she’s like…the best-selling author of all-time or something. There’s a bunch more.”

“Really?” Rami asks, face lighting up.

Joe nods. “Yeah. Did you— I can help you get more, if you want. We might have some around here, I’m not sure, but there are definitely bookstores in Perth. There are a bunch of movies too, mini-series, TV shows. She’s really popular.”

“That’d be brilliant,” Rami says. “I like them, but I’ve read all of them so many times.”

“I bet,” Joe says. “Yeah, I can help— any author you like. Or, I can help you find new stuff to read too, obviously.”

“Thank you,” Rami says. “I’d— I’d like that.”

“Yeah, no worries,” Joe says. “So, uh, is there anything you want to ask me?” he asks.

Rami shrugs. “There’s a lot,” he admits. “Too much, I think.”

“Well, I’ve got nothing but time,” Joe says with a smile. “Anything. Throw it my way.”

“What happened to the war with the Germans?” Rami asks, and Joe can feel his eyes widen a bit.

“Uh, well, wow, okay,” Joe says, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, that’s a big one.” Joe thinks, you can do an entire degree on specific parts of WWII, he's pretty sure he can't distill it down to a one-minute answer.

“That was the motivation behind Project Mercury,” Rami continues. “Chamberlain was scared Britain would be destroyed; we were supposed to find a safe place to go.”

“Right,” Joe nods. “Uh, well. It started in September ’39, after you left. It kept going until…” Joe frowns a bit. “Uh, May 1945?” He’s not sure on that bit, but he hopes Rami doesn’t mind. 

“That long?” Rami asks. “Almost six years?”

Joe nods. “Or longer. I’m thinking it was later than May. Sorry, history’s not— well, I’m not great with dates, but I can try.”

“That’s alright,” Rami replies. “Was it— I assume, but, was it terrible?”

Joe glances over at Rami and nods jerkily. “Yeah, it was bad,” he says quietly.

“Oh.” Rami clears his throat. “Maybe we should save that for another day, then. I’d like to know more about you. Does your family live in Britain too?”

Joe shakes his head. “Uh, no, they all still live in New York. I’m the only one who moved. I talk to them a lot, and still get back when I can. Maybe once or twice a year. Ironically, work for a space agency, not the biggest fan of flying, so.”

“Do you have a big family?”

“Not really,” Joe replies. “I have a brother and a sister, a niece and a couple nephews, and then there’s my mom.”

“And your father?” Rami asks.

“Uh, he died,” Joe says. “Cancer.”

“Oh, forgive me,” Rami says quickly. He stops walking, looking at Joe sadly. “I’m sorry. I— I shouldn’t have pried, it was rude of me.”

“No, don’t worry about it,” Joe says, waving it off with his hand. “It’s okay. I’m not— it’s okay. We’re getting to know each other, right?” He gives him what he hopes is a comforting smile. “I’m not offended.”

Rami nods. “My father died as well,” he says after a moment. “Well, of course— my whole family, but I mean— _before_. So, I understand.”

“I’m sorry,” Joe says, lifting his hand to give Rami a gentle pat on the shoulder, but before he actually makes contact, he drops his hand again, not sure if Rami would feel comfortable with it. He tries to laugh. “Well, this is sufficiently depressing, don’t you think?” he jokes.

Rami studies him for a moment, and then chuckles as well. “I’m not very good at meeting new people, so you’ll forgive me if I’m— if I don’t quite know what to say. I’m not sure what counts as polite conversation anymore, and I certainly can’t talk about current events.”

Joe laughs again, genuinely this time. “That’s okay. I’m a little weird too. Ben must’ve been able to tell; I’m sure that’s why he put us together.” He starts walking again, and then glances back to make sure Rami’s following him. “So, do you know how you want to do this?” he asks.

Rami looks at him in confusion.

“I mean, I can’t just dump a hundred years of history and tech stuff on you at once,” Joe says. “We should figure out a plan, if you want. Whatever you want.”

Rami thinks for a moment as they walk, biting down on the inside of his lip. “Is it alright if we don’t do that, for now?” he asks. “I’d just like— for now, I think I’d just like to talk about…other things. You. Would that be alright? I just— I’m worried it will be…overwhelming.”

Joe nods. “Yeah, of course. I understand, anything you want. I just want to like, be your friend, you know? Like regular people. Not that you’re not _regular_ , I just meant—”

“No, I understand,” Rami interrupts him. “I’d like a friend. Gwil is— isn’t well, right now, so I’ve been quite lonely the last few days.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Joe says. “I hope he feels better; I know Ben would really like to get to talk to him, but… Okay, so, me. Um, well, as you know, I’m a communications officer with the IIS. I majored in computer science, and then I moved to London when I got an internship with them. Then they hired me on full-time and I’ve been here ever since. What about you? How did— I know you’re in avionics, but how did you join the IIS— BIS?”

Rami shrugs. “They just asked. I was in London, studying engineering. I was also a volunteer in the army, and one day I got a letter from the BIS asking if I’d be interested in joining them. At the time, I…it was unlike anything I’d ever heard of. It sounded like the best job I’d ever get. Things were different back then, for people like me. I— I was worried no one would ever give me a chance. And then when we were assigned to Project Mercury…” Rami trails off.

“It’s okay,” Joe assures him, “we don’t have to talk about it.”

“No, it’s alright,” Rami says quickly. “At the time, it was like a dream come true. It was until— well, until we came home, honestly. I loved what we were doing. It felt important, but at the same time, it was— we were going to be pioneers. We were going someplace nobody else had ever been. It was an honour. It was…cool?” He glances at Joe nervously.

Joe smiles at him. “What was it like?”

“Which part?” Rami asks.

“Being there, on Luyten,” Joe says. “Was it— I mean, you’ve been on a different planet. I— can’t even begin to imagine what that was like. Is it beautiful? Or— I don’t know. What’s it like there?”

Rami smiles. Suddenly he reaches up at wipe at his eyes, and Joe stops walking.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” he says quickly, reaching out to Rami. “I didn’t— I’m sorry.”

Rami shakes his head, chucking softly. “No, it’s alright,” he says. “These are happy tears, actually. For once.” He laughs again, sniffling. “It was beautiful.”

Joe smiles, taking in Rami’s reaction. “Yeah?” he asks.

Rami nods eagerly, sniffling again. “It was— it was quite rocky, but in places, there were these beautiful groves of trees, and the sky right before it rained, it was like no colour I’ve ever seen before. And the sunset, I— it’s hard to explain, I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be,” Joe says softly. “It sounds amazing.”

Rami nods, meeting Joe’s eyes. “It was,” he replies. “We have photos, but they’re all in black-and-white.”

Joe smiles at him, and then starts to walk again. “Do you draw? Maybe you could sketch it for me sometime.”

“I’m not much of an artist,” Rami replies, “but I’d certainly try. If you’d like.”

Joe nods, grinning at Rami. “Yeah, I’d like.”

Rami smiles back, and then bites his lip, nervously looking away.

Joe feels his heart flutter just a bit, and he has to roll his lips into his mouth just to keep from beaming at him. _Oh god_ , he thinks. This might not be good. Especially not after he's teased Ben so relentlessly about picking Lee for his looks. He tries to shake it off, and just enjoy the walk. Even if now all Joe can focus on is how cute Rami is when he smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • [Rami and Joe moodboard](https://laminy.tumblr.com/post/183698694800/rami-malekjoe-mazzello-into-the-blue-and-sunny) in celebration of them finally speaking.  
> • I've never written so much Rami before in my life, so I hope you like it, because honestly, it was a joy.  
> • very early stages here, folks, but it's a start. I'm SO excited to write more of them together because I think they're adorable and I want them to be in love asap.  
> • the next chapter is back to Gwil's POV so don't miss him too much!


	8. Chapter 8

Gwilym opens his eyes when he hears the knocking at his door. He knows if it’s Rami, that he’ll maybe knock once more before he walks away; if it’s his therapist, she’ll knock again before she unlocks the door, letting herself in.

He hears a second knock, and then a key turning in the lock, his door slowly being pushed open. He lets out a heavy sigh, wanting nothing to do with her right now. He knows that she wants what’s best for him; knows that Rami had made sure she was visiting him regularly, that he’d just been worried about him. He’s just so tired of talking.

“Mister Lee,” she says, looking in at Gwilym, who’s curled up on his bed, wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants, hair messy, eyes red. “May I come in?” she asks.

It’s not like he really has a choice, Gwilym figured that out pretty quickly, so he just fights the urge to roll his eyes and shrugs, watching her shut the door behind her, and walk across the room to sit at his desk.

“Still in bed?” she asks, as if it’s not obvious that he’s still on his bed; she can clearly see him. It just frustrates him, though he knows she’s trying to make polite conversation.

Gwil nods and pushes himself up, swinging his legs off the mattress, gripping tightly onto the edge of it.

“How are you today?” she asks, and Gwilym shrugs.

“Tired,” he says quietly.

“Did you fill out your sleep journal?” she asks.

Gwilym nods, gesturing towards the small pile of papers on the desk beside her.

“Are you hungry?”

Gwil shakes his head. “No,” he says. “My stomach hurts.” It hurts all the time, unless something else hurts more. Like the migraines he gets every couple of days now.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Gwilym,” she says. “I know that Mister Malek is still looking forward to having dinner with you sometime this week.”

Gwilym nods, staring down at the floor in front of him. He blinks quickly, feeling tears spring to his eyes, like they always do when he thinks of Rami now. He feels guilty for abandoning him; he locked himself away in his room immediately after East’s death, completely shutting him out. It’s been over a week now, and the only contact he’s had with Rami has been when Rami slipped a piece of paper under his door a few days ago. He’d read the message on the back, and opened it up, seeing that it was Hardy’s contact information. But he doesn’t _want_ to talk to Hardy. He wants to talk to Roger. He wants to hold his nieces and nephews. 

“Do you know how he is?” Gwilym asks, briefly looking at his therapist.

“I’m not his doctor, Gwilym,” she replies, “but I know he’s been out of his room, I know he’s been talking to other people in the IIS.”

Gwilym squeezes his eyes shut. His heart is torn when he thinks about it; Rami is clearly, somehow, doing so much better than him. He’s so happy for him. But at the same time, it just proves what he’s been thinking, that Rami doesn’t need him, that he’ll be fine without him. He can make friends with Mazzello and Hardy and whomever else and he’ll get over Gwilym.

“Does that upset you?” she asks.

Gwilym shakes his head, but he can’t bring himself to open his eyes.

“Tell me how you feel about the fact that your friend is reaching out to others.”

Gwilym sniffles and wipes at his face. He’s cried so much since East’s death, he’s always surprised that he has any tears left him in, but there they are, heavy and hot, constant. He must look like shit. “I don’t know,” he says softly, voice tight.

“You don’t know how you feel, or it makes you feel more than one thing?”

Gwilym nods quickly. “Tha— that,” he says, sniffling. “It makes me feel happy and sad.”

“Tell me more about what you mean.”

Gwilym sobs quietly, reaching up to bite at one of his hangnails, before twisting Roger’s ring around his finger. “I’m happy that he has friends,” Gwilym says, voice thick with tears. He has to swallow hard past the lump in his throat. “I’m really happy. His— his brother died, his twin brother, and they were always so close, they did everything together, and when we found out, I— I didn’t know if he’d be okay. I thought it’d be difficult for him to feel better. But if he—” Gwilym sniffles and then clears his throat. “If he’s talking to other people,” he says, “then I’m happy. I’m happy he can reach out to someone, and that someone can listen. I love him. I want him to be alright. I was so worried he wouldn’t be alright.” Gwilym smiles faintly, reaching up to wipe at his face. “He’s my best friend.”

“Then tell me why it makes you sad,” she says softly, prompting him.

Gwilym sniffles again, has to clear his throat so his voice doesn’t break, taking a deep, shaky breath. “It makes me feel alone.”

“Because he’s with someone else, and not you?”

Gwilym shrugs. “Because it means— because it means maybe he doesn’t need me. That— that if he’s okay now…” Gwilym has to take a deep breath. “Why would he need me? He won’t miss me. If he has new friends, he won’t care if—” Gwilym’s shoulders start to shake with the force of trying to keep his sobs in.

“Mister Malek is the only person you feel you have left, right?”

Gwilym nods his head. “I can’t do this without him,” he says quietly.

“Then why are you pushing him away?” she asks. “I understand that you feel like Mister Malek has moved on, and that by him reaching out to other people in the IIS, that he’s no longer your friend, but isn’t it possible that you staying in your room made _him_ feel alone? That he thought you no longer needed him?”

Gwilym knows this is true, everything his therapist says to him he _knows_ is true; he’s smart, can understand exactly what she’s saying, but it doesn’t change the way he feels. Just empty.

“I think it’s possible that Mister Malek tried waiting for you to feel better, and when it became clear that you felt more comfortable in your room, that he tried reaching out to someone else so that _he_ wouldn’t be alone.”

Gwilym nods, bringing his thumb back up to his mouth, biting on the skin around his nail.

“I think he’d welcome it if you went out and tried speaking to him,” she says. “If he’s your best friend and you love him, don’t you want to see him? You could talk, go for a walk around the grounds. You can mourn together, and try to heal together.”

Gwilym looks up at her, eyes blurry with tears. He blinks a couple times, and they spill down his cheeks. “I can’t,” he says softly, his voice hoarse.

“Which part can’t you do?” she asks.

Gwilym shrugs, gesturing around the room aimlessly. “I…I can’t talk without crying,” he says. 

“What’s wrong with that?”

Gwilym sniffles. “If I cry, it will just upset him.”

“So you think it’s better to stay in your room, so you don’t upset him?”

Gwilym nods. “Yes,” he replies.

“Even if staying in here is what actually upsets him.”

Gwilym doesn’t say anything, just tries to focus on taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. Crying so much exhausts him, and he’s just been too tired. He feels too weak to do anything except stay in bed. He can barely keep the journal she’s asked him to. 

“Gwilym?”

Gwilym looks over at her, trying to stop the tears for just one second, just so he can hear her, maybe even answer her, without absolutely breaking down again.

“Should we reassess your goals?”

Gwilym’s brow furrows in confusion, and he sniffles. “Wh— what?”

She turns and picks up the small stack of papers on Gwilym’s desk, briefly flipping through them until she finds the _‘Therapy Goals’_ worksheet. “You filled this out for me almost a week ago,” she says, quickly flashing the page at him. “You described the problems that led you to entering therapy.”

Gwilym sniffles. “It’s not like I had a bloody choice,” he mutters.

“Gwilym,” she says carefully, “you did. You don’t have a choice in whether I come check on you every day, but nobody made you fill out this form. Or any of these forms. It’s not like the IIS would kick you out or punish you for not filling them out. So let me ask: why did you do it?”

Gwilym shrugs. “Because you wanted me to.”

“And I’m that important to your life?” she asks. “That you’d fill out a form you didn’t want to fill out just because a stranger asked?”

Gwilym clears his throat, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Is it because you thought it might actually help?”

Gwilym doesn’t move for a long moment, but finally he gives a brief nod.

“And why is that important to you?”

Gwilym bites down on his lip and finally looks up at her again, meeting her eyes. “Because I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” That part is true, one hundred percent. He’s so tired of feeling like this.

“So, do you want to feel better, or do you want to feel nothing?”

Gwilym has to look away. He can’t answer it; his mind goes back and forth on the answer to it all the time, every time he thinks about it he comes up with something else. “I…” he sniffles and starts biting on his thumb again. “I want to feel better,” he says finally.

“Well, I am relieved to hear that, Gwilym. That’s good to know.” She clears her throat and looks at the page again.

“But I don’t know how, so—” Gwilym swallows hard. “It’s just too hard,” he says. “I don’t— I _want_ to feel better,” he says again, “but I don’t think I ever will, so what’s the point?”

“What would make you feel better?” she asks. “You filled it out on this page right here: _‘Imagine that all of your problems are solved. How will you know things are better? What specific changes do you notice?’_ Do you remember what you wrote?”

Gwilym nods. “That I can— that I don’t hurt all the time, or feel empty, and I don’t feel tired all the time, and that I can— I can think about my family or Roger without crying, and that I can— feel like myself again. Smile, without feeling guilty.”

“And why don’t you think that will ever happen?”

Gwilym shrugs. “I don’t know,” he replies.

“Because it hasn’t happened yet?”

Gwilym just nods.

“Gwilym,” she begins, taking a deep breath. “It’s been less than two weeks since you found out what happened to your family. Do you think you should feel better by now?”

Gwilym nods again.

“A lot of people think it can take a least a year to even fully realize how much has changed in your life, after such a loss.”

“A year?” Gwilym repeats. “I can’t— I can’t feel— for a _year_?”

“No, of course not,” she says. “Not that you’ll feel like this for a year, but some things only come up once a year. Like celebrating a birthday. When that happens for the first time, it may bring all your grief right back up to the surface, but certainly no, you won’t feel like _this_ for a year. But two weeks is still early stages, Gwil. And not just the grief, but the shock. You and your friends have undergone something that I can’t even begin to describe or understand. And all of you are handling it differently. Your commander made a decision. Mister Malek is making a different one. You are making another one. Grieving is an individual process, with no set timetable, but after suffering a loss like you have, two weeks is…hardly any time at all. But I do wish that you were making different progress, Gwilym. Not because I want to cut your grieving short, not because I don’t think what you’re feeling is valid, but— this is a long time without any contact with your friends, without leaving your room. I’d like to see you go to meal hall, instead of eating in here alone. Or go outside. Even just for short walks. Or reading. Watching a movie. Because grieving is healthy, but staying in bed all day, barely eating, never seeing anyone, that’s not. Do you understand?”

Gwilym nods. “I can’t, though,” he says.

“Can’t what?”

Gwilym shrugs, gesturing towards the door. “I— how am I just— I just go out, like nothing happened, and sit down? Pretend I haven’t been ignoring him for almost two weeks?”

“Well, like I said, let’s talk about reassessing your goals, then, Gwilym,” she says. “Here, you filled out three _broad_ goals. Maybe we should have some smaller, more specific ones. Like, a goal for you could be to have dinner with your friend this week. Or to go outside. Then we can work on those together. Do you have any goals you’d like to achieve? That you could probably do in the next couple of days?”

Gwilym curls his fingers tightly into his mattress, knuckles white, toes tapping nervously on the floor. “I—” he sniffles and nods, clearing his throat. He takes a deep breath and his body relaxes. “I want to see Rami.”

“A good goal is SMART: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely,” she says. “So can we be more specific? Beyond just _seeing_ Rami, you want to…”

“I want to talk to him, have a real conversation with him,” Gwilym says.

“And how would you measure that? How do you know when that’s been achieved?”

Gwilym sniffles, and realizes as he scratches as his beard, where all of his drying tears have made his skin tight and itchy, that no new tears have fallen in the last couple of minutes. “When I…know what he’s been doing the last few days, since I haven’t seen him.”

She nods. “Okay. Well, I certainly think that’s attainable and realistic. What’s a reasonable time limit for that?”

Gwilym’s stomach twists nervously. “I— I don’t know.”

“What’s stopping you from doing it today?” she asks. “It’s still early, you certainly have time to go out for a walk, go have dinner.” 

“Uh…” Gwilym bites down on his lip, shaking his head. “I can’t,” is all he says. Not today. “He might be busy.”

“Is there anything you can do today?” she asks. “Because I worry, Gwilym, that if you don’t do it today, that you won’t do it tomorrow.”

“I know,” Gwilym says, nodding. He does know that; knows he can put things off for days, weeks at a time if he wants to.

“So if you want to speak to Mister Malek tomorrow, what can you do today? Do you have any ideas?”

“Do you?” Gwilym asks.

“I do, but I’d like to hear more from you, Gwilym.”

“Can you talk to him for me?”

She shakes her head. “No, I can’t.”

Gwilym brings his hand to his mouth, rubbing his fingers over his chapped lips as he thinks. “I could write him a letter,” he says. 

“Why do you think that would help?”

“I can take my time with a letter, and I don’t have to worry about crying or upsetting him, and he can read it on his own,” Gwilym says. “I can write it and slip it under his door, and then he can come find me.”

“What would the letter say?”

“That I’m sorry I haven’t spoken to him, and that I just— I’m really, I— it’s too hard, but I _want_ to try, and if he can forgive me I’d like to talk to him.”

“What will you do if he doesn’t come find you? How long will you give him?”

Gwilym shrugs. “Before I go find him? I…if I wrote the letter now and put it under his door, if— if he doesn’t come speak to by dinner tomorrow, I’ll go speak to him.”

“Really?”

Gwilym nods. “Yes, I will.” He glances over at her. “Is that alright?”

“I think if you do it, it’s a step in the right direction,” she replies. “Will you do it, though?”

Gwilym nods. “I’ll write it now. I promise.”

“Why?”

Gwilym frowns, confused. “Why…what?” he asks.

“Why do you want to speak to Mister Malek?” she asks.

Gwilym keeps frowning. “I…because he’s my best friend, and I miss him, and I _do_ want to feel better, but I can’t without him. I’m so tired. I just— I just want my friend back.”

“Alright,” she says. She stands up from his desk, and gestures at the paper and pens there. “I’ll be back to see you tomorrow. And before I come, I’ll be asking to find out if he received a letter from you, Gwilym.”

Gwilym nods, pushing himself up off the bed. “I know.”

“Okay. Have a good rest of your day,” she says. “And I know you have Mister Hardy’s contact information there as well; don’t be afraid to reach out to him too. That’s what he’s there for.”

Gwilym nods, but he can’t even begin to imagine reaching out to Hardy yet. “Okay. Have a good day,” he says, lifting his hand as she walks out of his room, closing the door behind her. He collapses down at his desk, looking at the paper. He picks up a pen, and begins twirling it in his fingers as he looks at the blank page in front of him. He quickly pulls the cap off and starts writing before he can convince himself to stop. Besides, he can always throw it out, if it’s awful.

\+ + + + +

Gwilym shakily opens his bedroom door, sticking his head out. He’s hoping that he doesn’t run into anybody, particularly Rami or Hardy, but he took a quick shower before getting changed, just in case. He’s clutching the letter tightly in his hand as he steps out into the hallway. He walks hurriedly down to Rami’s room, keeping his eyes on the floor, hoping he’s alone, hoping Rami is out and nowhere near his room, or otherwise napping or distracted. He clears his throat and crouches down, quickly slipping the note under Rami’s door. He freezes for a moment, thinking that he’s heard something in Rami’s room, and then stands up, quickly hurrying away. He can’t, he _can’t_ be there when Rami sees the letter.

Gwil’s barely back in his room for a second, the door closed, when there’s knocking behind him. He slides down the door, back pressed to it, shaking with nerves.

“Gwil?” Rami calls, knocking on the door. “Gwil, come back out, what is this?”

Gwilym shakes his head, bringing his hand to his mouth, trying not to cry out.

“Gwil?” Rami asks again.

“I can’t!” Gwilym says finally, eyes feeling with tears. “I can’t, please, Rami. Just— just read it. Please leave.” He closes his eyes, hoping that Rami’s gotten the message, that he’ll walk away, but he hears Rami settling down on the other side of the door, feels it shifting against him, and he realizes, horrified, that Rami’s going to read it right there. He starts to sob, shoulders shaking against the door. After a minute or two of silence, he hears Rami speak again.

“Oh, Gwil,” he says softly, and Gwilym’s head falls forward as he keeps crying. “Gwil, you don’t have to apologize. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“I’m sorry,” Gwilym says, wiping furiously at his face. “I’m sorry, Rami.”

“No, Gwil, I—” Rami takes a deep breath. “I know you’re upset, I know you miss him. I miss Rog, too. He was my friend. But Gwil, you’re wrong. I _do_ need you.” 

Gwil can hear in Rami’s voice that he’s started to cry as well, and it makes him cry even harder. He hates that he’s hurting his friend, that’s what he’s so desperately been trying to avoid.

“Gwil, _please_ don’t leave me,” Rami says softly. “Please, I need you. Please, Gwil, I miss you so much.”

“You have other friends now,” Gwilym says, and he hates how needy that makes him sound, so selfish.

“But you’re my _best_ friend,” Rami says. “Gwil, I can’t do this without you. I miss you so much. Please come out. Or let me in. _Please_ , Gwil, I don’t want you to die, I can’t.” 

“I miss him so much, Rami,” Gwilym says, his head thumping back against the door. “I— I don’t know how to live without him. Without any of them. God, I miss them. I feel so alone. I— why did they have to die?”

“I miss them too,” Rami says. “And I felt alone too. But we’re not alone, Gwil. You have me. Even if you have nobody else in the universe, you have me. I’m not leaving. _Please_ let me in. Please. We can go outside. I can— I can show you my new books that Joe got me. I can— I can introduce you to him. And Ben. Or not. But we’re not alone, Gwil. We’re not. I know it feels that way. When I found out Sami died, I— I’ve never not had him, Gwil. He’s been a part of me my entire life, and I miss him _so_ much, but East was wrong, Gwil. We don’t— we don’t have to give up because they’re gone. They wouldn’t want us to. And _I_ don’t want us to. I want you to come out, okay? Like in your letter. I want us to talk. I miss you. Please? Can you let me in?”

“I’m a mess,” Gwilym says, wiping at his face. “I can’t stop crying, I don’t eat, I— I’m not well, Rami.”

“That’s okay,” Rami says. “Neither am I. I don’t cry all the time but I’m always sad. I’m just…better at hiding it. But it’s nice out here, Gwil. They _want_ to help. And I can’t do this without you. It all feels wrong, because I know you’re in here alone. Please Gwil, you don’t have to be alone. I’m not upset with you. I just miss you.” Rami chuckles softly. “I lived with you for a year, and now we’ve gone almost two weeks without seeing each other, it’s strange, isn’t it? Don’t you miss me?”

Gwilym nods. “I do,” he admits, voice breaking. “I do.”

“Then let me in,” Rami says. “I know you miss Roger, and your parents, and Rhiannon, and— I _know_. But you don’t have to miss me, I’m right here. Right? Just open the door.” There’s a moment of silence, and then, “you should know I’m not leaving until you do, so just do it.”

Gwilym laughs softly, tears still streaming down his face. He knows Rami is nothing if not persistent. He carefully pushes himself up, hand on the door knob. He looks down at it, taking a deep shaky breath. He feels like if he opens it, that’s it. Decision made. He can’t let Rami in now and then abandon him later. But if he keeps the door closed, he feels like he still has a choice. He knows Rami will still be there for him later, or at least, he hopes. But if he keeps the door closed, he can still go away. He can still go to sleep and never wake up and stop feeling so much pain. He _wants_ that choice. He wants to have the option. Because it hurts too much, he doesn’t know how it could ever stop hurting so much. How he could ever feel even slightly better.

Gwilym smiles with a sob, realizing that he’s wrong. He _does_ know. Even if it’s just a little better. A little better is better than the whole lot worse he’s been feeling since he locked himself in his room. 

Without giving himself a chance to back out of it, he unlocks the door and pulls it open. Rami is up and in his arms almost immediately, wrapped around him so tightly it feels like Gwilym can’t breathe. “I’m sorry,” he says automatically, wrapping his arms around Rami, picking him up just a bit, for a moment.

Rami shakes his head, clutching at Gwilym, the letter still in his hands, now a bit crumpled. “Don’t,” he says. “Don’t. It’s okay.”

“Do you still want to be my friend?” Gwilym asks quietly, still not letting go.

“I’m always going to be your friend,” Rami says, “and you’re always going to be mine. I love you.”

Gwilym nods and buries his face in Rami’s shoulder, crying. “I love you too.”

They stand there in the doorway, clutching at each other, for what feels like forever, until Rami carefully pulls back. He reaches up to wipe at his eyes, and weakly tries to give Gwil a smile. “Come on,” he says, stepping back, gently tugging at Gwil’s wrist.

Gwilym quickly shakes his head, wiping at his face. “I can’t,” he says. 

“Come on,” Rami says, and he reaches up, playfully dabbing at Gwil’s cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater. “When’s the last time you ate?”

Gwilym shakes his head again. “I don’t— my stomach hurts.”

“Just something small,” Rami says. “It’ll be alright. Once you’re in there, it’s okay.” He smiles again, and pulls on Gwilym’s arm.

Gwilym freezes for a moment, but then reaches back, pulling the door closed behind him.

Rami carefully folds the letter up, slipping it into his pocket as they start walking down the hallway.

“Thank you,” Gwilym says softly.

Rami looks up at him. “For what?” he asks.

“Making sure the doctor came to see me,” Gwilym replies.

Rami smiles and nods. “That’s alright. I was happy to. It— I asked Ben, actually. I told him I hadn’t heard from you, and I was worried. He took care of it.” Rami glances over at him again. “He’s really nice.”

Gwilym swallows hard. “I can’t,” he says. “Not yet.”

Rami nods understandingly. “That’s alright. I won’t make you. I just— he’s nice. So’s Joe.”

Gwilym looks over at Rami, amazed that his friend is so brave, that he was able to reach out to them when he needed them, while his response was just to lock himself away in his room, unable to face the world. “Soon,” he says, nodding once. He almost believes it, too.

They walk into the meal hall, which is a little busier than the last time Gwilym was there, and he immediately feels exposed. He looks down at his feet, not noticing when Rami’s face lights up.

“Do you want to sit alone?” Rami asks. “Or Ben and Joe are here.”

Gwilym looks up, seeing Mazzello waving at Rami, and Hardy watching him. Gwilym’s eyes dart away, but when he looks back, Hardy’s eyes are still on him. “I don’t— I—” He looks at Rami. He doesn’t want to break his friend’s heart, and tell him that he’d rather sit alone, but he also doesn’t know if he can sit with them. Feeling their eyes on him, and dealing with their questions. “I…”

“It’s okay,” Rami assures him, putting his hand on Gwil’s back, guiding him towards an empty table. “Just sit, okay? I’ll get you something.”

Gwilym nods, and looks down at the table, staring at it as Rami walks away. He knows they’re watching, wondering where he’s been for so long, why he looks like such shit. Why he’s avoiding them. He wonders how many of the other crew members have reached out to their volunteers in the last few days, if he’s the last hold-out of their little program. It’s almost enough to make him feel guilty, if he is. 

“Here,” Rami says, sitting down with a tray of food in front of him. “I just got lots of things, and you can try whatever you’d like.”

“Thank you,” Gwilym says, reaching out to carefully pick up half of a sandwich, taking a small bite.

“You _have_ been eating, right?” Rami asks, worried.

Gwilym nods. “A little.”

“Alright, good,” Rami says, twisting open a bottle of soda. “You’ve lost weight.”

Gwilym nods. He’s noticed. He takes another bite of the sandwich, trying to will himself to not get sick.

Rami reaches over and puts his hand on Gwilym’s, giving him a smile. “It’s alright,” he says. 

Gwilym nods, and looks down, eyes catching on some sort of watch that Rami’s wearing on his wrist. “What’s that?” he asks, gesturing towards it.

“It’s a watch,” Rami says proudly, turning his wrist. “Joe has one, he got it for me.”

“It’s nice,” Gwilym says, watching Rami push the buttons on the side. 

“It does a lot,” Rami says. “Mostly I use it to talk to Joe.”

Gwilym frowns in confusion. “Talk how?” he asks.

“You type on it,” Rami says, waggling his fingers. “It sends him a message, and he looks at it on his watch.”

“Oh, wow,” Gwilym says, nodding slowly. “That’s…”

Rami laughs softly. “It’s a lot, I know. But Joe says they’re popular, I think. We’re not the only people who have them. Plus, you can type questions into it, and it answers them. Whenever I think of something, I can search it. Plus he gave me a computer to search things on too.”

“Your own computer?” Gwilym asks.

Rami nods. “They’re a lot smaller now. They don’t take up so much space. You can put one on your desk.”

Gwilym’s stomach twists nervously, and he puts his sandwich down. He doesn’t feel well; he feels confused, and embarrassed, like Rami already knows so much more than him. He should’ve just stayed in his room. Rami is obviously doing so much better than him. Why couldn’t he have just stayed away, and let him be?

Rami seems to notice that something is wrong, and he reaches over to put his hand on Gwil’s again. “It’s alright,” he assures him. “I don’t really know how to use it yet,” he says. “But Joe wanted me to have it, so I took it. I think it makes him happy. Don’t worry, you don’t have to get one.”

Gwilym nods, looking down at Rami’s hand. He tries to smile, and then reaches out to pick his sandwich back up. “Maybe I can look at it, after we eat,” he says. He doesn’t really want to, but he thinks that it might make Rami feel good. He can tell by the look on his face that it does.

“Alright,” Rami says, nodding eagerly. “I’d like that.”

“Okay, good,” Gwilym says, taking a bigger bite of his sandwich. He reaches out, picking up a bottle of juice off Rami’s tray, and twists it open. He takes a drink, and glances over at Hardy and Mazzello.

Mazzello is talking to Hardy, turned so he’s facing him, but Hardy is clearly distracted, drinking something out of a black bottle, eyes on Gwil.

Gwilym takes a deep breath and slowly raises his hand to Hardy.

Hardy looks surprised for a moment, and takes the bottle away from his mouth, smiling as he waves back.

Gwilym immediately looks away, turning back to Rami, who’s happily eating something Gwil doesn’t recognize. 

“You should try this,” Rami says, pushing the tray towards him. “It’s called sushi.”

“Is it new?” Gwilym asks, eyeing the dish.

Rami shakes his head. “It’s old, but we just didn’t have it here back then. It’s Japanese. Fish and rice and seaweed. Joe says there’s a restaurant in Perth that sells _all_ kinds. Try it.”

Gwilym frowns, but reaches out his fingers, picking up a piece. He tries to figure out what’s in the middle of it, before taking a bite. He chews slowly, taking in the texture and the taste.

“If you don’t like it, there are other kinds,” Rami says. “I haven’t tried them all yet. But they have all kinds of food here. Not just Scottish anymore.” He smiles, and Gwilym nods, trying to smile back. “Sometimes they even have Egyptian,” he says proudly.

Gwilym can’t help but smile at that. He knows that Rami’s background used to make him feel uncomfortable, as there was always someone who was willing to insult him for it, or tell him to go home, not understand or caring that Rami was born in England. He got a lot of hate at times. “I’ll have to try some,” he says.

“You wouldn’t try it when I made it for you,” Rami reminds him quickly.

Gwilym laughs and shakes his head, taking a drink. “That’s because I don’t trust you not to kill me.” Rami looks offended, and Gwilym just laughs harder. 

“Maybe you shouldn’t, if you’re just going to insult me,” Rami says, pulling his tray back from Gwilym, leaning over it protectively. “Go get your own food.”

Gwilym smiles, and just for a moment, it feels like it’s 1939 again, and he feels okay. Just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • is Gwil totally better yet? no! is he on his way there with the help of therapy and his bff? yes! a little bit better every day.  
> • I know this chapter is just a lot of talking but I really wanted everything Gwil's feeling to be out in the open.  
> • and he will eventually talk to Ben, I swear. I know it doesn't seem like it, but he will.  
> • Rami and Gwil are honestly friendship goals.


	9. Chapter 9

Joe heads down the hallway to Rami’s room, humming softly to himself. He and Rami usually go out for their walk after lunch, but Rami wasn’t in meal hall, so Joe’s come to find him. He comes to a stop in front of the door and knocks a couple times, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. He smiles when Rami opens the door, but then his smile disappears when he sees the look on Rami’s face. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

Rami sighs and steps back from the door, letting Joe walk into his room. “It’s Gwil,” Rami says softly, looking down as he shuts the door.

“Is he alright?” Joe asks.

Rami shakes his head. “I don’t know. I thought he was. I thought he was doing better, especially after the other day, when he saw Ben at lunch.”

Joe nods. “Yeah, I thought so too. I mean, I know that he still hasn’t talked to him or anything, but I figured he was working up to it.” Rami shakes his head. “He’s not?” 

Rami shakes his head again. “I couldn’t get him to leave his room for lunch,” he says, sitting down on the small sofa in the living area. “Even though he came out for breakfast. I thought he was _better_ ," he says, looking down at his hands, fingers twisted together on his lap. “Not all the way, obviously. I know it’s too soon for that, but he just spent so long in his room and I just got him out, and then, I don’t know.”

Joe frowns and sits down next to Rami, watching him twist his fingers together until the point it looks like it must hurt. Joe has to resist the urge to reach out and grasp his hands to stop him. “Did something happen? I don’t know, with his doctor maybe? Did you ask?”

Rami nods. “But he wouldn’t say. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared again.” He looks up at Joe.

“Hey, no, don’t be,” Joe says, trying to give him a comforting smile. “It’s alright. Uh…I don’t know what to do, I mean, if we won’t let you in…and we know he won’t let Ben in. It’s depression, you know? It’s grief. I know when my dad died, I thought I’d be okay for weeks, and then something would happen, I’d hear somebody say something that my dad used to say, or I’d hear a song that reminded me of him, and then I’d just be in my room again for the next three days until Ben could drag me out. It doesn’t mean he’s not getting better, it just means…” He lets out a long breath. “Did you want to try talking to him again? With me, maybe?”

“He won’t want to see you,” Rami says.

“Well, no,” Joe agrees, “but I’d be there for you, not him.” 

Rami looks at Joe for a moment longer before his eyes dart away. “Uh…no. I don’t want to upset him any further. But thank you.”

“Okay,” Joe says. “So, you want me to leave?”

Rami looks up quickly. “No!” he says. “No. I still want to talk with you, I just— I’m afraid I won’t be good company. I can’t stop worrying.”

Joe nods. “Well, you didn’t eat lunch, so you’re probably hungry, right?” Rami nods. “Well, there’s just one cure for that.”

“Food,” Rami says, obviously, and Joe chuckles.

“Well, yes, technically,” Joe nods. “But a specific kind of food. Are you familiar with ice cream?”

Rami frowns. “Yes. I’m quite sure it’s centuries old, Joe.”

“Alright,” Joe says, “but are you familiar with _soft serve_ ice cream?” He looks at Rami, who says nothing. “Ha! I knew it.” He snaps his fingers and stands up. “Let’s go.” He holds his hand out to Rami. “Come on, come on, get a move on.”

“Where are we going?” Rami asks, taking Joe’s hand, slowly standing up.

“It’s a surprise,” Joe says. He lets his hand slip from Rami’s, and then walks over to the door, holding it open for him. “Come on, we don’t have all day.”

“Joe,” Rami says, glancing back at Joe as he walks back out into the hallway. “Where are we going?”

“You’re honestly no fun,” Joe says, pulling the door closed. “I know this is probably a loaded question, considering that we haven’t known each other that long, but, do you trust me?”

Rami draws a quick breath, and then pauses. “I…think so,” he replies slowly.

Joe smiles. “Good. That’s good, I’m glad. What do you say we blow this popsicle stand?” Rami narrows his eyes in confusion. “What do you say you let me take you on an afternoon trip to Perth for lunch that isn’t served by the IIS?”

Rami’s face lights up, but he also quickly looks disappointed. “Oh, I— really? Joe, we can’t.”

Joe shrugs. “Says who?” he asks. “Did anybody specifically say we cannot go to Perth for lunch? I can tell you, no; Ben wrote all the policies around here, and that’s not in there. Come on.” He starts walking down the hallway, then stops and turns back when he realizes Rami isn’t following him. “Rami, what’s going on?”

Rami shakes his head. “I just don’t think we should,” he says, looking away from Joe. “I’m sorry, I’d like to— I’d _really_ like to, actually, I’d love to see Perth again, I just don’t know that I should go that far away from Gwil. What if something happens?”

“Nothing’s going to happen,” Joe assures him. “We can even bring him back something. Not the ice cream, that’ll melt, but whatever else he likes.”

“I’d just rather stay close by,” Rami insists, as he takes a step backwards towards his room.

“But meal hall’s so boring, we’ve tried it all,” Joe says. “And it’s nice out, for once.”

“Joe, thank you,” Rami says, shaking his head, “but no.”

“We’ll only be gone like, three hours max,” Joe promises.

“You don’t _know_ that!” Rami says loudly, and Joe flinches. Not that Rami was actually _that_ loud, but Joe’s never really heard Rami raise his voice at all. It’s surprising. “The last time I left, I— I just— I’m going to stay with Gwil.”

“Oh, Rami,” Joe says quickly, taking a step towards him, but Rami just takes a step back. “I’m sorry, you’re right. I shouldn’t— I’m sorry. I shouldn’t push you. That’s not fair. You’re right. Okay? I’m sorry.” He sighs. “Meal hall it is,” he says, trying to smile.

Rami just shakes his head. “I’m not hungry.”

“Rami, you need to eat,” Joe says gently. “At least go without me. I’m sorry I was such an ass, I didn’t get it.”

Rami shakes his head again. “I’m just going— maybe Gwil will want to talk now,” he says. “Thank you for the offer, Joe, but…not without Gwil.”

Joe nods understandingly. “No, you’re right, I’m sorry. I’m— I’ll see you later, sometime, okay? Maybe dinner? Maybe not.”

“Maybe tomorrow,” Rami says, and he turns, hurrying down the hallway.

“Fuck me,” Joe mutters, reaching up to scratch at the back of his head. “Fuck fuck,” he says, turning and walking away.

\+ + + + +

“And anyway,” Joe says, stretching out in the chair at Ben’s desk, “I’m pretty sure he hates me now.”

Ben briefly looks at Joe over his computer, still typing. “I’m sure he doesn’t. And if he does…join the club.”

Joe rolls his eyes, sighing. “We’re doing great, huh?”

Ben shrugs. “You’re doing better than me. I got a wave. You’ve had actual conversations with Rami.”

“Yeah, and then I went and fucked it all up,” Joe says, “because I couldn’t comprehend, hey, why would this guy who lost everybody he ever knew maybe not be ready to go somewhere without the only person he has left?”

“That’s not on you,” Ben assures him. “You didn’t know. You thought he was just scared of breaking the rules.”

Joe sighs, nodding slowly. “Yeah, so. Still no luck with Gwil then, obviously.”

Ben groans, reaching up to scrub his fingers over his scalp, messing up his hair. “I just don’t get what I’ve done wrong,” he says quietly, hunching over the desk, picking at his food.

“Nothing,” Joe says, leaning back in his seat, glancing around Ben’s office. Ben’s supervisor had asked for a report on the progress of the crew members at very short notice, and although Ben had told Joe he could eat in meal hall without him, after what happened the day before with Rami, Joe thought it would be better to bring his food up to eat with Ben, hiding from Rami and Gwil.

“It doesn’t feel that way,” Ben says, typing with one hand as his other slowly brings his fork up to his mouth. He keeps his eyes on the screen, and it takes him a couple tries to actually get the food in his mouth. He glances over at Joe, who’s snickering softly. “It feels like I’ve fucked the whole thing up.”

“Impossible, but okay,” Joe says, taking a big bite of his burger. He chews for a moment. “You’re just— it’s him, not you.”

Ben scoffs and rolls his eyes, setting his fork down so that he can type faster, trying to finish the paragraph he’s working on. “This is going to be a shit report,” he says.

Joe takes another bite. “How come?” he asks.

Ben looks up for a moment. “Well, I’ve got Gwil who won’t talk to me, Eastaughffe who killed himself, and John who fucked off to London by himself. I’m running out of success stories here, Joe. You and Rami were supposed to be it.”

“I don’t know what they expect,” Joe says. “It’s been…three weeks? I mean, come on. I didn’t leave my room for like, two weeks at least when my dad died, and these people have lost their _entire_ families.”

Ben picks up his Coke Zero and takes a quick drink before going back to his laptop, scrolling up quickly, then back down. It doesn’t look long enough; he thinks his supervisor will be expecting more. “I just, I _want_ to help. But I can’t help, because he won’t talk to me. And he won’t talk to me because he doesn’t think I can help.”

Joe frowns a bit. “I don’t know if it’s _that_ , exactly,” he says. “I think it’s just…well, yes, I’m not entirely sure that he _wants_ your help, honestly. But he’s just dealing with some stuff. On his own, you know. And you’re a stranger.”

“What’s Rami told you about him?” Ben asks, looking up.

“I don’t know, not a lot,” Joe says, shifting in his chair. 

“Oh come on, they’re best mates, and he hasn’t told you anything?” Ben asks, leaning back in his seat a bit, taking another drink. “Piss off, Joe, what’s he said?”

“Nothing! I don’t know,” Joe says. “He’s just…he just said that Gwil’s, he’s not handling it well, is all. But I mean, you knew that. That was obvious. And I guess something happened yesterday to set him off too, I don’t know. Apparently Gwil had a boyfriend, that the BIS didn’t know about.”

“Yeah, ‘cause it was illegal then,” Ben says, nervously tapping his fingers on his desk. “His name was Roger.” When Joe frowns, Ben shrugs. “Rami mentioned it to me once, the day he got me to call the doctor. I could tell by the look on his face that he thought he fucked up by telling me.” Ben thinks for a moment. “Is it— maybe we should make it clear to him that being gay’s not a crime anymore? Do you think that’s the problem?”

“No, I don’t,” Joe says, adjusting his position in his chair. “I think he’s just really fucking sad and misses home. Like we would too.”

Ben lets out a noise that’s basically a whine and leans forward, head on the desk beside his computer. “But I want to _help_ ,” he says quietly, lightly tapping his forehead against the wood.

Joe smirks and reaches over, gently patting Ben’s shoulder. “Well, it’s not all about you, Ben, so calm down.”

Ben sits back up. “It’s just, the whole thing looks wrong if the one person who can’t get their partner to talk to them is the one person who came up with the bloody program to begin with. My supervisor wants this report because he doesn’t trust me, Joe. He’s thinks I’ve gone and made a mess of the whole thing.”

“Well, write more about how awesome I am,” Joe says. “Or, at least, how awesome I was, until yesterday. _'Officer Mazzello has exemplified the values of the IIS in his dogged determination to guide the crew members of the Project Mercury into the 21st century.'_ ” He waggles his eyebrows. “That’s good, right? Huh? Maybe I should’ve been the lawyer instead.”

Ben rolls his eyes, but he begrudgingly begins typing anyway. “I’m not a lawyer,” he says under his breath, reaching up to scratch at the back of his head. “Maybe I should just go say hi to him.”

“Mm, I don’t think so,” Joe says, shaking his head. “I’m pretty sure he would hate that.”

“How do you know?” Ben asks.

“Uh, I’m pretty sure Rami told me he would hate that,” Joe replies. “Yeah, he’s uh, he’s made it pretty clear that Gwil wants nothing to do with you. But uh, to be fair, he doesn’t want anything to do with me, either. Why do you think I’m up here with you, instead of eating lunch downstairs with them?”

“I thought it was because you’re scared of Rami now,” Ben says. “And because I’m your friend?”

Joe snorts with laughter, shaking his head. “Uh, ha, no, not really. I mean, yes, you are, but I have better things to do than watch you try to shove lasagna in your face while you’re staring at a computer screen.”

“Well, clearly, you don’t,” Ben says. “Since you’re here.” He sighs. “So, since you’ve fucked everything up, when are you seeing him next?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know. We usually go for a walk after lunch, but after yesterday…who knows.”

“You should go down anyway,” Ben says. “If he’s waiting for you and you don’t show up, I don’t think it’s going to help.”

“Well if I go down there and he’s _not_ waiting for me, it’s going to be a hell of a blow to my self-esteem.”

“I don’t care about your self-esteem, Joe,” Ben says. “As your supervisor—”

“Ugh, stop.”

“At least go see if he’s down there,” Ben finishes. 

Joe gives him a salute. “Yeah, yeah, I will. Once I’m done my burger.” He thinks for a moment. “You want to come with maybe?” he asks.

Ben looks over at Joe, shaking his head. “No, I’m alright, thanks.”

“You sure? It’s usually just a lap around the reservoir,” Joe says. “You need a break from that report, man.”

“And you’re scared to be alone with him,” Ben says.

“Hey, I didn’t say it wouldn’t benefit me too,” Joe says. “I just also think it will benefit _you_. So what do you say? You’ll need a sweater, though. Chilly.”

Ben sighs, looking away from his computer. “Yeah, fine, that sounds alright,” he replies, taking a bite of his lunch.

Joe smiles at Ben, happy to help him get out of the office, but he also hopes that if Rami _is_ waiting for him, that seeing Ben won’t freak him out.

\+ + + + +

“Jesus shit,” Joe mutters to himself as he and Ben cross the grass, walking over to where Rami is standing by the path entrance. Every bit of happiness he felt when he saw Rami there, waiting for him, disappeared when he realized a moment later that Gwilym is standing next to him. Ben groans softly beside him, and Joe winces as he meets Rami’s eyes. He can’t even bring himself to look at Gwil, and can only imagine the daggers that he’s staring at them. “Hi, Rami,” Joe says awkwardly, giving Rami a quick wave.

“Hi,” Rami says softly, glancing up at Gwil. “Uh…”

“Great minds think alike?” Joe suggests.

Ben shoves his hands in his pockets, and then stops walking a few feet away from them. “Well, thanks for the chat, Joe, I’ll see you later.”

Joe stops and glances back at him, frowning.

“Aren’t you coming?” Rami asks, and Ben just shakes his head.

“Oh, no, I’ve got a report to finish, I just— wanted to see Joe out, you know,” Ben says awkwardly, walking backwards towards the building. “He was telling me, well, he’ll tell you, I’m sure. Uh, dinner later?” He waves and then quickly turns around, hurrying away.

Joe glances back and forth between Rami and Ben, mouth open, trying to figure out what to say. Finally, he stops at Gwil, and offers him his hand. “Joe,” he says, trying to smile. 

“Gwilym,” Gwil says, carefully shaking Joe’s hand.

“So, uh, what’s up?” Joe asks, nodding awkwardly. “I thought—”

“My doctor wanted me to come outside today,” Gwil explains, looking around at the greenery. “Thought it would help after…yesterday.”

“I hope that’s okay,” Rami says quietly, leaning towards Joe.

“Oh, yeah, sure!” Joe says, nodding eagerly. “It’s great. Have you been out here yet?”

Gwil shakes his head.

“Well, it’s really pretty,” Joe says. “Uh, Rami, lead the way.”

Rami starts walking down the path, Gwil following alongside him. Joe walks behind the both of them, shoving his hands in his pockets. He feels bad for letting Ben walk off, he knows that he should’ve stopped him, or gone with him, but he really wanted the chance to apologize to Rami, and if he’d grabbed Ben and tried to make him stay, he’s sure that it would’ve been awkward, because he knows Ben would’ve tried to fight him on it.

“Your friend is Ben Hardy, right?” Gwil asks, glancing back at Joe.

Joe nods. “Yeah, sorry about that. It would’ve been a great time for you to meet, but he’s— he’s been working on something for his supervisor, he’s almost done, though.”

“You’re going to have to talk to him eventually,” Rami says, brushing past a protruding branch that makes Gwil duck. 

“Shut it,” Gwil says quietly, and Rami glances back at Joe, giving him a weak smile. Gwil sighs, glancing back at Joe again. “He’s my partner.”

Joe shrugs. “Yeah, I know, but he’s fine. Don’t worry about making him wait, he’ll get over it.” He tries to give Gwil a comforting smile, but he’s not sure how Gwil finds it. “So, Gwilym, uh…” Joe trails off, unsure of what to say, thinking that maybe he just shouldn’t say anything. Gwil’s probably annoyed enough at his doctor for forcing him outside, Joe doesn’t have to make it worse by talking his ear off.

“Rami says you’re from New York?” Gwil asks, and Joe nods, surprised by his interest.

“Yeah, yeah, not the city, the state, but,” Joe says. 

“What brought you to Britain?” Gwil asks.

“The IIS,” Joe replies. “I got an internship here after I graduated. Seemed like too good of an opportunity to pass up.”

“What made you want to be a communications officer?”

Joe pauses a moment to think. “Uh, I don’t know, really, I studied computer science and it seemed like a good fit. I liked the tech, and I sort of liked the idea of being like, first contact with somebody. Never really thought about it, I guess.”

Gwil makes a quiet noise, and then speeds up, walking past Rami, leaving the two of them behind.

Joe frowns and then picks up the pace, walking alongside Rami. “Did I say something wrong?” he asks quietly, watching Gwil walk in front of them. “Oh god, was it— what I said about being first contact? Like, with you guys? He’s mad that I didn’t tell you the truth, isn’t he.”

Rami shakes his head. “No, his doctor gave him homework,” he says softly. “She told him to ask you three questions.”

“Oh,” Joe says, a little disappointed that Gwil clearly didn’t actually care about him, or have any interest in speaking with him, but also relieved that he’s not actually upset with him. At least now he knows he did the right thing by letting Ben walk away, because he clearly wasn’t going to get anything out of Gwil either. “How is he?” he asks. “I mean, after yesterday? Did he talk to you, at least.”

Rami nods. “He did. He apologized. Something…his doctor said something, I think it upset him, but he’s alright.”

“Yeah, and I mean, he’s outside, so that’s great,” Joe nods. “Um, listen Rami, I— I wanted to apologize again. For what I said. I wasn’t thinking. You said you didn’t want to go and I ignored you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Rami replies. “I…overreacted, I must admit. I just— I know I can’t spend the rest of my life with Gwil, but I just— when I go back to Perth for the first time, I’d like him to be there with me.”

Joe nods, looking down at his feet, trying to think of what to say. Rami speaks up again before he has to figure it out.

“Could you help me watch a film?” Rami asks, and Joe looks up at him.

“A movie?” Joe asks. “Uh, yeah, sure. Of course.”

“How?”

“Uh, on your computer, if you wanted,” Joe says. “That’d probably be the best way around here.”

“I’ve been making a list,” Rami says, “but I don’t know where to get them.”

“A list of movies to watch?” Joe asks, and Rami nods. “What kinds?”

“Oh, all kinds,” Rami replies. “History, and mystery, and romances.”

Joe smiles at the image of Rami sitting alone at his desk, carefully typing, trying to research things to watch, keeping a list of ones that sounded good to him. “What’s your favourite?”

“My favourite film?” Rami asks. “Oh, I don’t know.” 

“Come on, you don’t have one?” Joe asks. “Movies existed in 1939, right?”

Rami snorts and rolls his eyes. “Yes, Joe, they’d existed for quite some time, even when I was young.”

“Well, you’re still _young_ ,” Joe says quietly. He’s still unsure about how to touch on the age issue with Rami. He finds it hard to think of him as being a century older than him.

“I suppose I quite liked _The Private Life of Henry VIII_ ,” Rami says. “Oh, and _Bride of Frankenstein_ ; they both starred Elsa Lanchester.”

Joe smiles. “Did you watch a lot of movies back then?”

“I remember about ten years ago,” Rami says, and Joe doesn’t have it in him to correct him. “There was one cinema that opened, in Leicester Square, well, it was fully air-conditioned. It sat _so_ many people. We didn’t go often, but I enjoyed it when we did.”

“You and Sami?” 

Rami nods. “I suppose it’s different now, though. Not nearly as much of an event. Rather ordinary?”

Joe shrugs. “It can be. But no, I mean, you can watch a movie on your watch these days, so it’s not as big of a deal as it used to be. But yeah, I’d be happy to help you get them on your computer, no problem.”

Rami smiles at Joe gratefully, and Joe can’t help but grin back. “Thank you, again,” Rami says, lifting his wrist to gesture to the watch. “I quite like it. The computer, as well.”

“Of course!” Joe says, nodding. “Yeah, no, they’re great. And then you can just Google anything you want to know the answer to, even if I’m not around. Since, you know, I can’t _always_ be around.” He feels a little awkward, and clears his throat, looking away.

“What’s your favourite movie?” Rami asks suddenly. “I should add it to my list.”

“Oh, wow,” Joe says, “I’d be honoured.” He laughs. “Uh, I don’t know, really. My favourite actor is James Stewart, do you know him?”

Rami thinks for a moment. “He was in a film I just saw,” he says, looking around the path as he tries to think. “It was about a rich man who’s engaged to a poor woman who works at his father’s company.”

“Yeah, _You Can’t Take It With You_!” Joe says enthusiastically. “I love that movie. Did you like it?”

Rami nods. “It was quite good,” he agrees. “What James Stewart movie should I watch?”

“Oh god, I’d die if I had to pick just one,” Joe says. “I, uh, well, if you want something happy, _It’s a Wonderful Life_. It’s a Christmas movie. Though I know you Brits usually like a good ghost story at Christmas. It’s sweet. I think you’d like it. Though…” Joe glances over at Rami. “Considering every time I see you, you have a new murder mystery in hand, maybe you should watch something like _Rear Window_. It’s a thriller.”

“I’ll watch that one,” Rami says quickly. “You’ll help me?” he asks again.

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Joe assures him. “Whenever you’re free.” 

They both stop walking when Gwil appears suddenly in front of them, and Joe looks up at him, surprised and a bit worried that something’s happened.

“Are you alright?” Rami asks, reaching out to him.

Gwil just nods. “I’m getting tired and cold,” he says. “I’m going back to my room for a bit.”

“Okay, I’ll see you for dinner,” Rami says, watching Gwil walk by them, heading back up the path. “I apologize for him,” he says, looking over at Joe.

“No, why? Don’t,” Joe says quickly. “God, I can’t even imagine how he feels, I’m surprised he came outside at all. He’s just…going at his own pace, that’s fine.”

“I’m trying to convince him to speak to Ben, but he…” Rami trails off. “Doesn’t like that.”

“Rami, it’s okay,” Joe says, turning to him, taking Rami by the shoulders, looking him in the eye. “I know he’s your friend, but he’s also an adult, okay? You’re helping him a lot already, I can tell. Just try not to stress yourself out feeling responsible for him, okay?”

Rami nods, then glances down at Joe’s hands, and Joe quickly steps back, dropping his hands to his sides. “I just want him to be doing better,” he says quietly.

“I know,” Joe says. “And he will. Just…not right now, is all. And Ben’s not going anywhere. Trust me, I’ve been trying to get rid of him for years. Clingy bastard.”

Rami laughs, and they start walking again. “How long have you known him?” he asks.

“Uh, god, four years now, I guess,” Joe says. “I started interning with the IIS before him, but he did his placement there when he was still in law school. We worked in different parts of the office, but he came in pretty early on to talk me about some new policy that he’d be updating and I— well, as I always do when Ben tries to talk to me about policy, I—”

“Laughed at him?” Rami interrupts, and Joe laughs then.

“Yeah, basically,” Joe says. “I don’t know, I’m not that much older than him, but sometimes when he’s in work-mode he just seems so young. Like I look at his face and he’s trying to explain the law to me and I’m like, this is just a tall baby. Not even that tall, really.”

Rami starts laughing so loud and so hard that he has to stop walking. He clutches at his chest, and when he looks over at Joe again, there are tears in his eyes.

“Just never tell Ben I said that,” Joe says, and Rami nods.

“Our secret,” Rami assures him, laughter still bubbling up uncontrollably.

“Are you alright?” Joe asks, and Rami nods again. “Okay good, please don’t die on me or something. I’d feel _really_ bad. I mean, I know I’m funny, but it’s not worth your life.”

Rami’s laughter calms down, and they continue walking, Rami still letting a chuckle every once in awhile as they go. It feels like a comfortable silence to Joe, which he’s not used to; he usually feels the need to chat and chat to fill up the empty space, but there’s something about being around Rami, it’s easier than it’s ever been for him to just…be. Rami doesn’t seem like much for small talk and chit chat, so it’s also just to make him feel more comfortable. They reach the trailhead, back at the path that leads back to the IIS building. They usually just do one loop around, but today, Joe’s really tempted to suggest they go around one more time. He doesn’t, though, and they head back up the path.

“What else do you have to do today?” Rami asks as they cross the grass to the IIS building, finally breaking the silence.

“Oh,” Joe shrugs, “not much. Uh, help Ben with whatever he’s got on the go, we’re still looking for places to live, and he’s— the report he’s working on.” He holds the door open for Rami, and they walk inside the building together.

“Do you miss working in London?” Rami asks.

Joe frowns, thinking. “I don’t know, really. I mean, I liked London. I miss my place, yeah. And I didn’t hate the rover stuff, but it’s also not really what I signed up to do.”

“What about your friends?” Rami asks.

Joe smiles. “I think you’ve met most of my friends,” he replies. “I have a lot of friends back home, in New York, but in London, I don’t know, it was mostly just me and Ben. And a couple of the other volunteers here, too, but…I don’t miss London for the people.” He glances over at Rami. “You must think that makes me pretty uncool, huh? One friend?”

Rami shrugs. “No, I don’t. It was always the same for me. I had Sami, and Gwil. And Roger too, but he sort of came with Gwil. _Don’t_ tell Gwil I said that, I don’t mean I didn’t like him, I just—”

“No, no, I get it,” Joe says quickly. “I get it. He was your best friend’s boyfriend. And besides, when would I get the chance to tell Gwil? The next time his doctor assigns him homework?” He smiles.

“What about your…” Rami trails off, and glances over at Joe. “Girlfriend?” he asks finally.

“Oh!” Joe says. “Uh, ha, no, I’m pretty single. I mean, I’m _very_ single, actually. So no, there’s nobody in London waiting for me to come home or anything.” He glances over at Rami, realizing that they’re close to Rami’s room, but he figures he’ll give it a shot. “What about you?” he asks. “Did you have…you never said.”

“Thanks for the walk,” Rami says quickly, moving to his door, pushing it open. “Maybe tomorrow you could help me with my list?”

“Sure!” Joe agrees eagerly. “I mean, I can help you now, if you want, I—“

Rami shakes his head, stepping into his room, hanging onto the door. “I’m tired,” he says softly. “And I have to see Gwil, too.”

“Okay, tomorrow then,” Joe says, waving. “Text me if you need anything, right? Maybe I’ll see you at dinner.”

“Bye, Joe,” Rami says, waving back, stepping into his room, pushing the door closed. 

Joe groans softly, reaching up to push his hair back from his forehead. “Bye, Rami,” he says quietly, rolling his eyes at himself as he starts walking back up the hallway. “Ugh, stupid,” he mutters to himself.

\+ + + + +

Rami and Gwil walk into the meal hall together for dinner, Rami quickly spotting Ben and Joe sitting together. He smiles and waves at them, assuming that Ben must have finished his report. He looks up at Gwil as they walk over to get their food. “Gwil?” he asks nervously.

“Mm,” Gwil murmurs, scanning the dinner options.

“I’d like to sit with them,” Rami says, and Gwil turns to him.

“Are you joking?” Gwil asks.

Rami shakes his head. “No, I’m not. I think you and Ben should finally meet. And you owe me.”

“For what?” Gwil asks.

“For being rude to Joe today,” Rami replies. “I know you didn’t want to talk to him, but you didn’t have to storm off like that.”

Gwil scoffs and shakes his head, but Rami keeps on.

“So, I’d like to sit with them,” Rami says. “You don’t have to say a _word_ , but please just sit with them. With me. Please.”

Gwilym starts to nervously twist his fingers together, rubbing his thumb over Roger’s ring, but he just nods in agreement. He and Rami grab their food and drinks, and Gwil keeps his head down, staring at his tray as Rami leads them over.

“Hi, is it alright if we sit?” Rami asks.

Joe looks surprised, but he glances over at Ben, who just nods eagerly at Gwil. “Of course,” Joe says, smiling up at him.

“Thank you,” Rami says. He sets down his tray and then pulls out the chair next to Joe, giving him a quick smile. “Hi Ben,” he says, and Ben nods.

“Hi,” Ben says, “how are you?”

“Fine,” Rami says, opening his bottle of water, taking a long drink. He glances back at Gwil, realizing that he hasn’t moved yet. “Gwil?” he asks gently.

Gwil doesn’t move for a moment, but then he finally nods, walking around the table. He sets his food down and then tugs the chair out from the table. As he sits down, he hunches over his food, trying to close himself off from Ben.

Ben glances to the side, watching Gwil for a moment, before looking over at Rami and Joe, both of whom are watching Gwil as well.

“How is your report going?” Rami asks suddenly, keeping his eyes on Gwil for a moment longer before turning to Ben.

“Huh?” Ben asks dumbly, dragging his eyes away from Gwil. “Oh, the report, right. Yeah, it’s brilliant, thanks.”

“You’ll have to come on a walk with us another time,” Rami says, giving him a weak smile. “Joe and I talked about movies today.”

“Oh, right,” Ben says, lifting his drink to his mouth as he slowly nods. “Anything good?”

“ _Rear Window_ ,” Joe says. “My suggestion obviously; Rami’s going to watch it.”

Ben smiles. “Oh yes, I’m familiar. Joe makes everybody watch his old movies.” He looks over at Gwil again, who’s quietly and quickly eating, seemingly paying no attention to the rest of them. He glances over at Rami, who meets his eyes and then just nervously shrugs. “Uh, Gwilym?” he asks, voice shaking just a bit.

Gwil sighs and lifts his head up a bit. He meets Rami’s eyes, sees the encouraging look he’s giving him. “Yes?” he asks quietly.

Ben weakly smiles over at the table at Joe, who’s watching the two of them warily. “Uh, we’ve— we haven’t actually, officially met yet.” He sticks his hand out, offering it to Gwil. “I’m Ben. Hardy.”

Gwil swallows hard, and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t actually look over at him, though. “I know,” he says, and he can hear Rami sigh, disappointed.

“Right,” Ben says, withdrawing his hand, nodding. He looks over at Rami, who looks embarrassed on Gwil’s behalf. “Well, you uh, know where to find me, I guess. When you want.”

Gwil briefly closes his eyes for a moment as he struggles to collect himself, and he shakes his head. “Don’t count on it.”

“Gwil!” Rami says quickly, leaning forward across the table towards him. 

“What?” Gwil asks, straightening up. “I didn’t want to eat with them, you said I wouldn’t have to speak to them.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to be so _rude_ ,” Rami snaps. “He’s trying to help you.”

Gwil groans and pushes his chair back from the table, it quickly clattering behind him. The other three men jump in their seats, and they attract a bit of attention from the other people in the room. “I’m sure you’re great, Hardy,” Gwil says, turning towards him, “but find somebody else to help, alright? Because I don’t need your help. I don’t _want_ your help.”

Rami stands up, trying to reach out to him. “Gwil,” he says.

“Unless you can figure out a way to send me back, or bring Roger here, I don’t care!” Gwil yells, storming off, footsteps heavy as he leaves the meal hall, and the three men behind him.

“I—” Rami watches Gwil hurry away, and then he turns back to Ben. “I’m so sorry,” he says. “I— he’s not— he didn’t mean it. I didn’t think— I knew he didn’t want to sit here, but—"

“No, no, it’s alright,” Ben assures him. “I shouldn’t have said anything. It was my fault.”

“I— should go after him,” Rami says quietly, but he doesn’t make a move to leave.

“Maybe he just needs some alone time,” Joe says, looking up at Rami. “You know? Just give him a minute.”

Rami keeps watching the entrance to the hall, but finally he takes his seat again. “I’m sorry, I’ll talk to him for you,” he says, turning to Ben.

Ben just shakes his head. “No, don’t worry about it,” he assures him. “I’m a big boy, I can handle it. It’s not his thing, that’s alright.”

“But you’ve come all the way here,” Rami says, and Ben just shrugs.

“Yeah, it’s okay though,” Ben says. “Rami, it’s fine. Maybe he’ll come around, maybe he won’t, it’s okay. I’m not offended, I promise.” He takes a drink and tries to give Rami a smile.

“He’ll be fine,” Joe says softly, leaning in towards Rami. “Try not to worry too much, alright?”

Rami just nods, blinking quickly. He reaches up to wipe at his eyes, and he clears his throat, picking at his food with his fork.

Joe makes an awkward face and looks across the table at Ben, who just sighs. “Shit,” he says softly, reaching back to scratch at his head.

“Yeah,” Rami says flatly, not looking up. “Shit.”

\+ + + + +

Gwil paces around his room, hot tears in his eyes. He knows he reacted badly, knows that he embarrassed Rami and disappointed him, and he feels fucking awful about it. He didn’t mean to, he just wanted to sit quietly and eat. And then Hardy— Gwil groans, knowing that he can’t blame him. It’s nobody’s fault but his own. He glances at his watch and wonders if Rami is back from dinner yet. Wonders if he has any interest in talking to him anymore. He knows he can shut himself in his room, or he can reach out to the one person who might still be willing to see him, if he hasn’t angered him enough over the last two days. Like the day before; he hadn’t meant to skip lunch and scare Rami, but his doctor had talked about moving on after losing a partner, and possibly being open to romantic relationships in the future, and it broke him. He couldn’t even imagine it, why would she suggest something so disrespectful? It hasn’t even been a month.

Gwil takes a deep breath and then leaves his room before he can change his mind, walking down the hallway to Rami’s. He knocks on Rami’s door, glancing up and down the hall, waiting to be let in. “Hi,” he says when Rami opens the door.

Rami just stares up at him, eyes red, having obviously been crying. 

Gwil feels ashamed. “Can I come in?” he asks.

Rami steps back and lets Gwil in, shutting the door behind him. Without saying a word, he walks over to his small sofa, sitting down.

Gwilym grits his teeth as he walks over to Rami’s bookshelf, running his fingers along the spines. There are lot more books here now than he took with him on the Mercury, books Gwil’s never seen or heard of before. He assumes that Joe helped get them for him. He glances up at a photo on the wall that he’s never seen before. It’s of a city that he doesn’t recognize. “Where’s this?” he asks, glancing back at Rami.

Rami doesn’t reply, just stares at Gwil.

Gwil nods understandingly. “I’m sorry,” he says finally. “I behaved dreadfully, I know that. As soon as I said it, I knew I was wrong. I hurt him, and I hurt you.”

“Gwil, are you upset with me?” Rami asks.

Gwil shakes his head, trying to meet Rami’s eyes, but Rami looks away. “No, of course not,” he assures him, moving over to the sofa. “Why would you think that?”

“Because you were _so_ rude to my mates today,” Rami says. “Outside, and at dinner. I know you didn’t want to talk to them, but that doesn’t mean you had to storm off like that either. They’re both _really_ nice, and neither of them would have bothered you if you’d stayed.”

“I’m sorry,” Gwil says, reaching out to grab onto Rami’s knee, squeezing it gently. “I should’ve been more polite, you’re right.”

“You can give them a chance, you know,” Rami says. “Joe _and_ Ben. What are you worried is going to happen?” 

Gwil pauses, trying to think of the answer. What is he worried about? He knows, deep down, but he can’t admit it to Rami. Can’t tell him that he doesn’t want to make new friends, because he’s worried that means he’s forgetting his old ones. Or that every time he sees Ben’s cropped blonde hair, it reminds him a little too much of Roger’s. That letting new people into his life means that he’s somehow accepting that this _is_ his life now, even though part of him is still hoping that he’ll wake up and it’ll all be a dream, or that someone will tell him that it really was just a cruel joke. He swallows hard, meeting Rami’s eyes. “I don’t know,” is all he says, and immediately looks away, feeling guilty for lying.

Rami sighs and shakes his head. “I want to help, Gwil, but if you won’t let me I don’t know how.”

Gwil nods, and starts nervously drumming his fingers. He gets up and starts pacing a bit. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I just— I can’t. I can’t.”

“You can,” Rami says, “you’re just too scared to try. It’s not what anyone in your family would have wanted, you know. Not Roger; he wouldn’t be impressed with the way you treated Ben.”

“Don’t drag his name into this,” Gwil says. “Don’t use him to try to guilt me into talking to them.”

“I don’t know what else to do!” Rami exclaims. “If you won’t do it for yourself, and you won’t do it for me, I think Rog is the only option I’ve got left.”

“Neither of them come even _close_ to Roger,” Gwil says.

“I’m not saying that,” Rami says. “I’m just saying, you need more than me, I can’t do this alone. I want to be able to— I don’t want to always be worried that something will happen to you if I’m not around. I want to know that someone like Ben could help you, if I wasn’t here.”

“Where are you going?” Gwil asks quickly.

Rami groans, pushing himself up. “Nowhere, Gwil, that’s not the point. I like talking to Joe. It helps me. Maybe Ben could help you.” He walks over to the wall, to the photo Gwil had been looking at. “It’s Cairo,” Rami says. “Because Joe thought it would help me feel at home.” He gestures to another picture hanging on the wall, another place Gwil doesn’t recognize, beautiful trees with orange and red and green leaves surrounding a large building on a big river. “And that’s where he’s from.”

“Hmm,” Gwilym shrugs, studying the photo.

“He’s my friend now,” Rami says. “And whether or not you like him, the proper thing to do is not to be rude. If you act like that again…”

“What?” Gwil asks.

“Then we won’t spend as much time together anymore,” Rami says.

“You and Joe,” Gwil says, but Rami just shakes his head.

“No, you and I,” Rami replies.

Gwil looks away, stomach starting to feel a bit sick. “You’d choose them over me? You just met them, Rami!”

“I’m not choosing anyone!” Rami exclaims. “I just…I like them. And they like me. And it’s not fair to them if every time you’re around, you ignore them or shout at them. That’s all I mean. You’re still my best mate, and I’m not leaving you, I just…I want you to be okay, Gwil. And I think they can help.” He reaches up, taking Gwil by the shoulders. “Try to let them help, _please_. Please.”

“What if I can’t?” Gwil asks softly.

“Gwil,” Rami says. “Why can’t you? _Tell_ me.”

Gwil just shakes his head. “I can’t.”

Rami sighs. “Gwil, tell me, please. There’s something you’re hiding, right? Why do you think you can’t tell me?”

Gwil frowns, looking away from Rami’s eyes. “I don’t like admitting I’m scared,” he says finally.

“I don’t care about that,” Rami says. “I’m scared too. We all are. That’s alright. The point is that we’re going to do it together. With Ben and Joe.”

Gwil shakes his head. “Just you,” he says quickly. 

“Gwil, no,” Rami says.

“Please,” Gwil says softly. “Just a little while longer. I’m not ready yet. I will be. Please. I— if they talk to me, I won’t be rude, or ignore them, but…just you and I, for a little while longer. You can still walk with Joe. But don’t make me come. Don’t make me eat with them.”

“Gwil, how long?” Rami asks. “How much longer?”

Gwil thinks for a moment. “I don’t know. But soon, I promise. I promise.”

“You swear,” Rami says, and Gwil nods. “On Ro—”

“ _Don’t_ ,” Gwil interrupts him quickly. “Don’t. Please. I promise. I just need more time.”

Rami takes a deep breath and sighs, stepping back from Gwil. He looks around, shaking his head, and then finally shrugs. “Alright,” he agrees. “A little while longer. But you’re not to speak to them like that again.”

“Promise,” Gwil says, nodding. “I won’t.”

Rami shakes his head. “Fine. I hope I won't regret it.”

Gwil nods. “Thank you.”

“But no more skipping meals,” Rami says. “Even if you’re upset, you have to leave your room.”

Gwil nods again. “Yes, I promise.”

Rami sighs and then sits back down on the sofa. “Alright,” he says.

“Thank you,” Gwil says. He glances around Rami’s room, and then sighs. “Can I stay?” he asks, voice quiet and hopeful. “Just for a bit?”

Rami looks at Gwil for a moment, and then nods. “Yeah, of course,” he says. “You’re always welcome.”

Gwil gives him a grateful smile and then sits down on the sofa next to him. He swallows hard, and then looks back up at the photos on the wall. “Where is that again?” he asks, gesturing to the photo of the river and the leaves.

“Hyde Park,” Rami replies. “Joe’s from there. So is Roosevelt.”

“The president?” Gwil asks in surprise, and Rami nods. “It looks beautiful,” he says.

Rami nods again. “It is, I think,” he says. “Joe makes it sound lovely.”

Gwil settles back in his seat, leaning against Rami. “I’m sorry,” he says softly.

“Hmm,” Rami murmurs, resting his head against Gwil’s arm. “I know. So am I. I miss Roger too.”

Gwil nods, and closes his eyes before any tears can start to fall. He feels Rami’s hand slip into his, giving him a comforting squeeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • okay okay, like Rami, just give me a LITTLE bit longer for Gwil and Ben to have an actual conversation.  
> • Gwil will get better, I promise.  
> • have some more Rami and Joe to make up for it!


	10. Chapter 10

Ben shifts on the sofa, bringing his feet up, accidentally knocking against Joe, who’s got his feet up on it as well. They’re in Joe’s quarters, watching a baseball game, which doesn’t interest Ben in the least, but Joe has always been a fan, so Ben puts up with it. He pretends to root for whatever team Joe is hating on that particular day, which is usually the Red Sox, but he honestly doesn’t know much about it, he just enjoys teasing him.

It’s odd, but for once Ben is actually paying more attention to the game than Joe is. Joe’s scrolling on his phone, eyes barely glancing up at the television. “What are you looking at?” Ben asks, glancing over at Joe.

“I’m trying to find a list of like, history shows, for Rami and me to watch together,” Joe replies. “Like this one on the Vietnam War. It’s like, sixteen hours though.”

“Does Rami care about the Vietnam War?” Ben asks. “I don’t think England was involved.”

Joe sighs, reaching up to scratch at his head. “Yeah, good point. It’s interesting though, right?”

Ben shrugs. History has always interested in him, but a sixteen hour documentary on the Vietnam War isn’t screaming ‘necessary’ to him right now.

“Oh shit, this one looks good,” Joe says, making a note on his phone. “22 hours about World War II, narrated by Laurence Olivier. I bet that’s good. We like him.”

“Hmm, yeah,” Ben says flatly, resting his head against his arm propped up on the sofa.

“Oh, _Days That Shook the World_ ,” Joe says. “I bet there are some good episodes of that. Hmm.”

Ben sighs, staring at the television screen, but not really seeing it. He’s tuned it out, just like he’s close to tuning out Joe. It’s not that he’s not happy that Joe has a new friend in Rami, and he’s happy that he’s so eager and excited to help him. That is the entire point of the program, after all. But he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little envious. He wishes he had someone to help, too.

“Do you think I should show him anything about the Mercury?” Joe asks. “There’s been a couple documentaries, right?”

“Yeah,” Ben says. “I don’t know.”

Joe frowns and leans over a bit. “Ben?”

“Hmm?”

“What’s going on?”

Ben glances over at Joe, shrugging. “Nothing, sorry. Just watching the game. Why? Is something wrong?”

“You? Watching baseball?” Joe asks. “Now I _know_ something’s up. Come on, spit it out.”

Ben just shakes his head. “Nothing, it’s fine.”

“Ben,” Joe says sternly, and Ben takes a deep breath, sighing heavily.

“Nothing, it’s just—” Ben groans, shifting on the sofa. “I don’t know. Gwil just hates me, you know? Like I’m glad you and Rami are getting on so well, it just makes me feel like shit that I’m not doing more. That I _can’t_ do more.” Joe frowns, and Ben just sighs. “I don’t know. Like, you’re planning out with 20 hour documentary to watch with him, and I can’t even get Gwil to look at me. What am I doing wrong?”

“You’re not doing anything wrong,” Joe assures him. 

“Oh, it’s not me, it’s him?” Ben asks, huffing a quiet laugh.

“Well, yeah,” Joe shrugs. “Basically. I mean, I don’t blame him, really, but…I mean, you can’t _make_ him like you. Or even talk to you. Unless you just go to his room and start yelling at him through the door, which I don’t totally recommend.”

“It might be the best plan I’ve got,” Ben says, reaching up to scrub his hand over his head. “What else can I do?”

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know. Just…keep trying, I guess. I wish I knew how to help. I sort of lucked out with Rami, I guess.”

Ben frowns. “I _want_ to help,” he says softly, and Joe nods.

“I know that,” Joe says. “And Gwil does too. He’s having a really shitty time of it now, but once he’s ready to talk, he’s _going_ to talk to you.”

“I’m just tired of waiting,” Ben says. He knows he sounds whiny, he doesn’t handle frustration well, or disappointment, and that’s all coming up here has been for him so far. Frustration and disappointment. Mostly with himself, even if that’s not fair. It’s not like he can blame Gwil, the guy who lost everything. Ben’s convinced that there’s more he could be doing, he just doesn’t know why he can’t figure it out. What piece of the puzzle he’s missing. Clearly Joe has it all figured out.

“Do you want to watch a World War II documentary with me and Rami?” Joe asks, but Ben just shakes his head. “Yeah, kind of figured that would be your answer. I think we’re also going to watch something called _The Night of Counting the Years_ , if you want in on that.”

Ben raises his eyebrows, glancing over at Joe.

“It’s Egyptian,” Joe explains. “I know, it’s kind of a weird title, but apparently it’s really good. I thought Rami might like it.”

Ben smiles. “You’re a good friend, Joe.”

Joe grins back, leaning in towards Ben, attempting to dramatically throw his arms around him. Ben tries to duck away from him for a moment, but finally decides to just let it happen. “Say I’m the _best_ friend,” he says, and Ben rolls his eyes. “Say it and I’ll let you go.”

Ben sighs. “Maybe I don’t want you to let me go,” he replies sarcastically.

“Ooh, I like that,” Joe grins, waggling his eyebrows. “Up for a snuggle? A late night cuddle? Would that make you feel better?”

“Sure,” Ben says, “but wouldn’t Rami get jealous?” He smirks as Joe immediately withdraws from him, as if making his point.

“I don’t think Rami cares who I cuddle,” Joe says quietly, going back to looking at his phone.

Ben just smiles. He almost wants to press the issue further, tease him a bit more, especially when it’s _so_ obvious that Joe has developed at least a little crush on Rami, but he decides to leave it. If there’s even the slightest possibility that something might happen between them, which, Ben thinks, is still a _long_ ways off even if it does happen, Ben doesn’t want to make Joe feel uncomfortable. Especially knowing how long it’s been since Joe has dated anyone. He reaches out to Joe, resting his hand on his shoulder. “You’re the best friend,” he says.

Joe looks up at Ben, giving him a smile. “Yeah?” he asks.

Ben nods. “Yeah, you are,” he says, playfully annoyed.

Joe laughs loudly and then throws himself at Ben again. “Yay me!”

Ben groans when Joe’s body hits his, pushing him back against the arm of the sofa, and then he laughs loudly, wrapping his arms around him. They awkwardly rest there together, Joe’s face smushed against Ben’s chest, trying to watch the television.

“You’re a good friend too, Ben,” Joe says after awhile. “Gwil will realize it pretty soon. And if he doesn’t…” He trails off and shrugs. “Well, more Ben for me, then.”

Ben laughs softly, shifting his body under Joe’s, trying to get a bit more comfortable, if this is how they’re going to be watching the game. “Thanks, Joe,” he says. He can’t stop thinking though, about how he’s finally going to get through to Gwil. Joe’s right, he just needs to keep trying. And then something will stick.

\+ + + + +

Rami has stopped eating with Ben and Joe again, at least temporarily, after Gwil’s last outburst. Ben gets it; he still feels guilty for pushing Gwil to speak to him when he clearly didn’t want to. But he also feels bad that Rami can’t sit with Joe, just because he’s worried about upsetting Gwil. Rami and Gwil are already sitting at a table by themselves, off to the side, when Ben and Joe stroll in for dinner. They both give them a wave, which Rami returns, with a smile on his face, but Gwil doesn’t even give them a glance. Ben feels a little defeated, which he feels is a bit silly. All he did was wave. All Gwil did was ignore it. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it still feels like one.

After they grab their food, part of Ben wants to march over to Rami and Gwil’s table, sit down and make himself at home, forcing Gwil to either deal with it or leave, but he doesn’t. He and Joe sit down together a few tables away, making quiet conversation, not really about anything in particular. Joe doesn’t seem to be that bothered by not sitting with them; he doesn’t complain about missing Rami, and he’s not constantly glancing over at them, not like Ben is. Ben can’t stop looking over at their table.

Ben’s impression of Rami is that he’s pretty quiet to begin with, but even compared to him, Gwil must be a bloody mute. They hardly seem to be speaking at all, and what conversation they are having, Rami seems to be leading. He wonders if that’s how it’s always been, or if their friendship has changed since they came back. He thinks it must have. Gwil can’t have always been like this; he can’t imagine that Rami would want to be friends with him if he was always so quiet and angry. 

Ben finds himself just staring over at them, not even bothering to hide it as he wonders what Gwil was like a year ago. What made him smile. What he, Rami, and Roger did for fun in Perth, or London. He can’t picture it at all, the people they were before grief featured so heavily into their personalities. He wishes he knew them back then. Not— not _really_ back then, since Ben has no interest in living in the 1930s, but he wishes he could know what they were like. He thinks that with as much time as he and Rami spend together, Joe must have a pretty good idea by now of what he was like at least. But Gwil remains a mystery to them both. Just the way Gwil wants it, it seems.

“You could try being less obvious.”

Ben jumps, turning back to Joe at his words. “Sorry,” he mutters, picking at his food.

“Are you preparing a speech in your head?” Joe asks. “Where you just storm over and convince him to be your friend?”

Ben shakes his head. “No, just thinking.”

“Looks painful.”

“Does Rami talk about him at all?” Ben asks, glancing up at Joe. “Like, Gwil, and what he used to be like?”

Joe shrugs. “Sometimes. He’s apologized for him, said he didn’t used to be like this, but we don’t really talk a lot about before. I think it makes him too sad.”

“Hmm, yeah, I imagine.” Ben sighs heavily, and looks over at Rami and Gwil again. Rami’s looking down at his food as he eats, but Gwil’s eyes have started to drift around the room. Ben swallows hard, and quickly looks away before Gwil’s eyes can meet his. He doesn’t think he can take another angry look right now.

\+ + + + +

Ben sighs, staring at his computer screen. This is his new plan. He almost feels like if he just gets this right, it’ll unlock everything he needs to know about Gwil. Which is absolutely ridiculous, he knows that. He knows nothing about Gwil except what’s in his file and what little he’s picked up about him from Rami. Ben at least needs to feel like he _knows_ something about the 1930s, about the world that Gwil came from.

Ben frowns, thinking for a moment. He goes to Wikipedia, remembering the movie _Rebecca_ that he and Joe watched together. He thinks that was a British movie; most of the people in it were British, anyway. And it was black-and-white, so it was probably pretty old. Ben really enjoyed it, surprisingly. But when he looks it up, he feels just a bit defeated. It came out in 1940. Okay, one year too late, Gwil will have no idea what he’s talking about then. Maybe he can show it to him, though, if he’s interested.

Ben changes tactic. He searches ‘best picture winners’ and comes up with the Wikipedia page with the long list of nominees and winners. He scrolls down, _Gone with the Wind_! 1939. He groans. It came out in December. He goes back, and sees _The Wizard of Oz_. Of course, _everybody’s_ seen that. He groans again. It came out in August; the Mercury left in April. “Jesus Christ,” he mutters.

He looks over the list, nothing else really jumping out at him as something he recognizes. He also doesn’t know how common going to the movies was in the 1930s; in his head, it’s something that wealthy people did, and nobody else, but Ben has no idea if that’s accurate or not. Ben taps his fingers on his desk, trying to think of other old movies he’s seen. Joe’s made him watch more than a few, but he thinks they all had been newer than 1939. Ben tries to think of all the various movie nights Joe’s had, and he quickly sits up, remembering last Halloween. It’d been a Sunday, and they both had it off. Even though Ben insisted Halloween isn’t really a big deal, Joe made him watch all the old classic monster movies. Surely _those_ were old enough; they were all pretty cheesy.

 _Yes_ , finally. _Dracula_ , 1931. Whether or not Gwil saw it, he has no idea, but surely he’s at least _heard_ of it. Ben makes a note on his phone, then searches more. _The Wolf Man_ is out, 1941. But _Frankenstein_ , 1931, and _The Mummy_ , 1932. Ben smiles, making note of all of them. He assumes he’ll be able to find them all easily enough. And maybe Gwil liked them. Maybe he’d appreciate seeing them again.

Ben takes a deep breath, blowing his lips out. He feels like this a dumb plan; obviously the two of them having seen the same movie isn’t magically going to make Gwil like him, or want to talk to him. But Ben also didn’t think that when he paired up Joe and Rami together that they’d end up bonding so much over movies and books. It _has_ to help, even just a little. Even if it just proves to Gwil that Ben is trying, though at this point, it doesn’t even feel like Ben is trying to help him. It feels more like Ben is just desperate for Gwil’s approval, like he just needs Gwil to say that he’s doing something right. He hasn’t gotten through to Gwil at _all_ , and after what happened the last time he tried, he has no idea what to do.

Ben brings his hand to his mouth, starting to chew on his thumbnail as he thinks. Music. Everybody likes music. He searches ‘1930s in music’, and gets a Wikipedia page with a list of links to other pages: 1930 in music, 1931 in music, and so on. Ben takes a deep breath and shrugs, clicking on 1930. It takes him to another page, where there’s a link for ‘1930 in British music.’ Okay, great. _Surely_ , he thinks, he’ll recognize something there. There are four songs listed under Popular Music, and Ben hasn’t heard of a single one of them. He doesn’t recognize a single name on the page.

“Fuck me,” Ben murmurs, clicking ahead to 1931. This time, there are only _three_ songs under Popular Music, and once again, he’s pretty sure he hasn’t heard any of them before. 1932, same thing. 1933, 1934, 1935, 1936, 1937, 1938, 1939. He doesn’t recognize a _single_ song title. All he’s learned is that somebody named Noël Coward was clearly pretty popular, maybe he should start listening to him. He pauses, thinking that maybe there’s a theatre in London named after him? But he’s not sure.

Ben goes to Coward’s Wikipedia page, and sees the song title ‘I Went to a Marvellous Party.’ He searches that, and turns up the volume on his computer, starting to listen to it. He turns it off after a few moments, it not really appealing to him. Is that the type of music Gwil listens to? He kind of hopes not, because he doesn’t think he can bond with Gwil over it.

He sort of wants to call Rami into his room, or go visit him in his, and just ask him to tell him _everything_ he can about Gwil. Favourite movies, books, food, whatever. He knows he probably should, that it’d be quicker than this apparently futile search, but it also feels a bit like it’d be cheating. He wants to learn these things on his own, he wants to help Gwil without Rami’s help.

Ben drums his fingers over the keyboard, not typing anything, just trying to think of another avenue. Clearly, just British music isn’t going to help him here. He needs to go a bit broader. But then, he thinks, did American music ever play on British radio? He sort of imagines Britain as being quite closed off and on their own, but he knows American movies and music are popular here now, maybe it was always like that. Ben genuinely has no idea what life was like back then. He keeps tapping his fingers, wondering maybe if that’s how he should start with Gwil. Instead of going to him and trying to explain all the things that have changed over the last hundred years, maybe he should ask Gwil to explain what life was like for him.

But maybe Gwil doesn’t want to think about that, or talk about it with him. Doesn’t want to share that piece of his life with him. Or _any_ piece of his life.

Ben groans loudly, head going back. He stares up at the ceiling, whining a bit. He knows that if he just shows up at Gwil’s room, he won’t even be able to get him to open the door, let alone _share_ anything with him. Gwil has made it perfectly clear that he has no interest in that. So why can’t Ben just leave it at that? Rami’s doing fine with Joe, it seems, he can just leave Gwil to be fine with Rami. Ben can just step away from the whole situation, stick to his office, write his reports, tell his supervisor that everything is going fine. But he doesn’t _want_ to. He wants to be good at this, like Joe is. Joe and Rami are getting along so well, of course Ben feels a little twinge of envy when he sees them together.

“No, fuck this,” Ben mutters, going back to Google. There has got to be one goddamn song from the 1930s that he’s heard of and he’s going to march down to Gwil’s room and talk to him about it. He thinks, then nods his head a bit. He searches ‘best song oscars’ and clicks the page. Surely he’d recognize at least one song that was nominated for a big award like that. He smiles, seeing a couple titles he knows, and jots them down. He’s not really sure what his plan is; make a playlist and give it to Gwil? So that he knows that they have something in common? That’s been the struggle, really. Rami and Joe worked in similar fields in the IIS, but Ben knows nothing about botany, astro or otherwise. He stayed far away from all sciences in school, which makes him feel a bit guilty now, considering that Gwil was a professor of biology.

Is Ben desperate enough to try to teach himself biology? Just so that he has _something_ that he can talk to Gwil about? It’s not even like Joe can help with that. He nods his head a couple times and then goes back to Google, searching ‘thesis astrobotany.’

He knows that whatever the results are, they became immediately outdated as soon as the Mercury arrived back with their samples and lab reports, now that they have _actual_ alien plant life in their possession, but some of this stuff must still be relevant. The first result is a PhD thesis entitled ‘Analyses of Arabidopsis Seedlings Grown in Microgravity.’ Ben sighs heavily, reaching up to rub his hand over his head. He’s not even sure what ‘arabidopsis’ means, if it’s a specific plant, or if it’s a scientific term for a type of seed. He’s so far out of his fucking depth he can’t even believe it.

Ben soldiers on a bit, though, actually opens the thesis and reads the short abstract. He understands the first sentence, though he has to stop and start over more than a couple times. He tries to read the rest before he gives up and exits out. He wants to know more about Gwil’s work, but he feels too dumb to read this, and too guilty to look at the work that Gwil brought back from Luyten with them. Even though he knows it was work done for the BIS, Ben still feels uncomfortable with how the IIS took the information from him once the Mercury came back. How Gwil and the others were treated when they arrived.

No fucking wonder Gwil doesn’t trust him enough to open up to him. He probably blames Ben for all of it. He can’t see Ben as a friend, or a person to confide in; he just sees him as the person who locked him up. None of this stuff will matter until he can convince Gwil how sorry for that he is. And that’s just going to have to be from Ben talking to him. He has to get Gwil to listen to him. Just for a few minutes.

Ben makes a note on his paper that says ‘apology,’ underlined a couple of times, and then he goes to the Wikipedia page for botany. He starts to scroll, eyes widening a bit when he sees just how long it is, but fuck it. He glances at the clock again, and rubs at his eyes. It’s not like he has anything else to do.

\+ + + + +

Ben yawns loudly, flipping to the next page of the large stack of papers he printed off. He takes a drink of coffee, and then rubs at his eyes as he continues to read. ‘ _It was Rudolf Camerarius (1665–1721) who was the first to establish plant sexuality conclusively by experiment._ ’ Ben sighs.

“You look like shit,” Joe says, dropping down heavily across from Ben, tray clattering on the table.

“Thanks,” Ben murmurs. “I think I need my eye drops.”

“What are you reading?” Joe asks, tilting his head, trying to get a look at the upside paper.

“Uh, right now?” Ben asks. “The history of botany.”

Joe snorts and then frowns, looking at Ben in confusion. “Uh, why?”

Ben shrugs. “Because I don’t know anything about it, and Gwil probably thinks I’m an idiot.”

Joe looks at Ben in disbelief. “You’re reading— I’m sorry, what is happening?”

Ben sighs heavily. “I want to be able to talk to him about something he cares about. And I don’t know shit about the 1930s, apparently, as I learned last night, but I don’t know, maybe if I can talk to him about…” He trails off and waves his hand. “Cell theory, he’ll want to talk to me.”

“I feel like this has got to be a joke,” Joe says. “How much did you read? That’s like, an entire book worth of stuff right there. Did you get any sleep?”

“Not really,” Ben replies softly, and he picks up his coffee again. “I was up until 3, before I realized what time it was.”

“And did it help? Are you a biology genius now?” Joe asks.

“I don’t even know which way is up anymore,” Ben says, “I’ve been staring at this all morning.”

“Okay, _why_?” Joe asks.

Ben shrugs. “What else are we supposed to talk about?” he asks.

“Uh, literally anything,” Joe says. “History, which you already know more about than me. Uh, sports? The guy’s from Wales, right? He definitely likes rugby. So do you! What are you doing with this shit?”

“Shit, rugby,” Ben breathes softly. “I didn’t even think of that. I’ll have to add it to the list. Maybe I can find old matches for him to watch.”

“You’re insane, just FYI,” Joe says. 

“You’re the one who told me I needed to try harder!” Ben protests. 

“I meant…” Joe huffs a breath. “I mean, I didn’t mean this. There’s no way he expects you to be an expert in botany just to have a conversation.”

“Well, I’m not, and he won’t talk to me otherwise, so maybe he does,” Ben says.

“No, no way!” Joe shakes his head. “I refuse to believe that someone who’s friends with someone as chill as Rami is this…actually, I refuse to believe that someone who’s friends with someone as chill as _me_ is as weird as you. Please stop reading this. Just try talking to him.”

“Just talking to him obviously hasn’t been working, Joe,” Ben says. “He hates me.”

Joe shakes his head. “No, he doesn’t.”

“He _does_.”

“Rami says he doesn’t, and Rami knows him better than us, so no, he doesn’t.”

Ben groans. “Then why won’t he talk to me?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” Joe replies. “I just…he’s depressed. Okay? When I said try harder, I just meant, keep trying. Don’t give up because he’s ignored you before. Next time you see him, say hi again. And then say hi again. And then again.”

“So just wear him down?” Ben asks. “That’s your big plan? Annoy him into talking to me?”

Joe shrugs. “Yeah, why not? It’s basically how we became friends. Use me as your inspiration.” Ben just glares at Joe. “Okay dude, just— _this_ is not going to make him like you, I can tell you that. He doesn’t give a shit if you know anything about this, and it’s not going to impress him.”

“But it’s important to him,” Ben says softly, glancing down at the paper. “It’s like, his life’s work. I want…I just want to know more about it.”

Joe watches Ben for a moment, then smiles over at him. “Okay,” he says finally.

Ben looks up at him, frowning.

“Okay, you’re right,” Joe says. “If it’s important to him, then it should be important to you, too. Just take it easy, okay? You don’t need to know everything right now. Maybe leave something for him to teach you?”

Ben smiles and nods. He looks down at the large stack of papers in front of him, and guilty flips back to the front, pushing it away from him. He can take a _bit_ of a break, at least while he’s eating.

\+ + + + +

After a couple more days of saying hi to Gwil whenever he can, and getting nothing in return except friendly waves from Rami, Ben decides to throw Joe’s advice out the window and go with exactly what Joe told him not to do: go to Gwil’s room and yell at him through the door. Well, talk loudly, anyway.

Ben knocks on the door, sighing as he shifts on his feet, waiting for a response from Gwil. He can hear footsteps in the room, but nobody comes to the door. Ben frowns, and then knocks again. “Gwil?” he calls. He looks down at the rucksack in his hand, adjusting his grip on the strap. “Gwil, it’s Ben.” He leans his forehead against the door. “Just wanna talk, mate.” Ben sighs.

Ben drums his fingers lightly against the door. Gwil still doesn’t answer. “Just a minute, that’s all. I know you don’t want to talk to me, but there’s something I want to give you, yeah? Then you can shut the door and ignore me for forever, I promise.” Ben bites down on his lip, hoping that Gwil never actually calls him on that promise; he doesn’t want Gwil to ignore him for forever, but that empty promise might be the only thing that can get Gwil to open up.

“I know you’re in there, Gwil,” Ben says, feeling a little frustrated. “And…I’ve got all night, so I’m just gonna stand out here, and keep bothering you, until you open up. Just five minutes. That’s all.” He frowns. He didn’t actually plan on standing out there until Gwil opened the door, but he wonders how long he’s supposed to give it. God, Gwil must hate him right now.

Ben steps back when the door opens suddenly, and he meets Gwil’s eyes through the crack in the doorway. “Hi,” he says, surprised that Gwil actually opened up.

“What do you want?” Gwil asks, looking Ben up and down, eyes briefly stopping on the bag in his hand.

“Uh, I was hoping to come in,” Ben says, reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck. “Are you free?”

Gwil sighs and looks down, still clutching the door.

“Just for a second,” Ben says. He lifts up the rucksack a bit. “I wanted to give you this.” He gives Gwil a weak smile, hoping that it comes off as comforting, instead of just nervous.

Gwil frowns, and doesn’t answer for a moment. “What is it?” he asks finally.

Ben huffs a quiet laugh. “Uh, lots of things, really. Can I come in?” he asks.

Gwil bites down on the inside of his lip, then finally steps back from the door, pulling it open just a bit further.

“Cheers,” Ben says, stepping into Gwil’s room. He can’t help but look around, trying to see how Gwil has decorated the place. It turns out, he really hasn’t. Unlike the glances he caught of Rami’s room when he and Joe have picked him up or dropped him off, there are no photos on the walls. It doesn’t look like there’s anything in Gwil’s room that he didn’t take on the Mercury with him. He turns back to Gwil, giving him a quick smile. He wants to ask Gwil about his empty walls, offer to find him something to hang up, or to find him more books, but he doesn’t want to overstay his welcome. Though, he thinks, he’s probably not welcome at all to begin with, so overstay he shall. “How’ve you been?” he asks.

Gwil closes the door and then crosses his arms, looking at Ben. He shrugs. “Fine,” he replies.

“Good,” Ben says, nodding. He bites down on his lip, then glances at the sofa. “Can I sit?” he asks.

Gwil sighs heavily and gestures towards the sofa, nodding.

Ben smiles in response and sits down, setting the rucksack on his lap. He unzips it and reaches inside, taking out the laptop he’s gotten for Gwil. He lifts it up, and then glances at the empty spot on the sofa next to him, smiling up at him. “This is for you,” he says.

Gwil makes no move to sit next to Ben, just stares down at him, eyeing the computer. 

Ben shifts uncomfortably under the weight of Gwil’s stare. “Uh, well, I wasn’t sure what you liked, but I put some movies on here that I thought you might have…well, I thought maybe it might make you feel at home.” He rubs at a point of tension in his neck. Gwil won’t say anything, so Ben feels the need to keep speaking, something he’s honestly not that used to. “Uh, honestly, they’re just older movies that I liked, that I thought maybe you did too.” He taps his fingers on the computer. “And uh, if you don’t like them, I can get you anything else you want to watch, too.” He looks up at Gwil, who’s watching him back, and doesn’t seem very impressed.

“Joe and I assumed you probably like rugby,” Ben continues uncomfortably. “Being from Cardiff, and all. There’s a whole bunch of matches on here for you, the uh, the big ones that Wales has played. All the ones I could find. Maybe that would be fun.” He looks up at Gwil, and purses his lips, wondering if he should keep going or if he should just give up. _No, Ben_ , he thinks. Gwil’s finally let you in, you’re gonna stay until he kicks you out. “I used to play rugby, when I was younger,” he says, as if Gwil cares.

“Why’d you stop?” Gwil asks suddenly.

Ben looks up at him, eyes widening a bit in surprise. “Uh, uh, I kept getting injured,” he stammers. “Wasn’t having it after awhile, figured I should just give up, find something that wouldn’t kill me.”

“Hmm.”

Ben swallows hard. “I tried finding music from the 1930s that I knew, but turns out…there’s not a lot, really. I mean, I’m sure there’s a lot of music, I just didn’t recognize most of it. I put some on here, though. Thought maybe you’d like to listen to it. If that’s your thing.” Gwil doesn’t say anything, and Ben frowns. “Do you need me to show you how to use this?” he asks, looking down at the laptop. Gwil doesn’t reply. Ben groans in frustration and stands up, setting the laptop down on the sofa. “No, of course not. Because you’re not going to open it, right?” 

Gwil’s eyes flick away from Ben’s for a moment, and Ben just shakes his head, feeling annoyed with him.

“No, it’s just going to sit there, and you’re just going to hide in your room, doing nothing, until— until when?” Ben asks. “Until you get the flat in Perth? And then you’ll just hide in there, too.” He knows he should be nicer, more understanding of what Gwil’s going through, but honestly right now, he almost feels angry with him. Like he can’t understand why Gwil isn’t at least being polite to him, when Ben’s done nothing but try to help him. “I’d ask if you even want my help, but we both know you don’t. Well, lucky you, I’m done trying. It’s been brilliant. Watching you ignore me. Hell, watching you _yell_ at me. I mean, are you even listening right now?” He cocks his head a bit, waiting for Gwil’s reply, which of course doesn’t come. “You know, people here actually _care_ about you. I’m not doing this for the good of my health. I’m doing it because I want to— I wanted to be your friend.” He shakes his head, not believing that he’s finally admitted it out loud. What started off as just desperately wanting to help Gwil has somehow just turned into wanting Gwil’s validation. “Instead, you don’t even have the decency to say thank you. Did they have manners when you were alive? Or were they not invented yet?”

Gwil flinches a bit at that, and Ben should feel guilty, he almost does, he can feel just a twinge of it in his stomach, but honestly right now he just feels mostly happy, almost proud, that he’s gotten some sort of reaction from him other than indifference.

“How someone as nice as Rami is friends with you, I don’t get it,” Ben says. He knows he didn’t need to go that far, that’s just an insult at this point. He leaves the computer and rucksack and storms past Gwil, going to the door. He turns the knob and then tugs the door open just a bit, before he stops. “All I wanted to do was help,” he says softly. “Ever since you came on the radio, I just thought, I can help these people. Their entire lives are gone, their world has changed, and they’re going to need someone, I can be that someone.” He glances back at Gwil, swallowing hard. “And you don’t give a shit. So fine, I’m done. Be an arsehole, I don’t care anymore. Have fun on your own.” 

Ben feels a twist in his stomach, heavy with guilt now, as he tugs the door open and slips out into the hallway. He knows he’s said something that he can’t take back, he regretted it as it was slipping out of his mouth. He feels hot with shame, embarrassed. He’s made it all about him, he’s got no respect for what Gwil is going through. But he knows if he turns back now, and begs for forgiveness…god, Gwil would tear him to shreds. He knows that to be true. He should leave now while he still has the tiniest bit of dignity left. What Gwil’s going to say about him to Rami, he can only imagine. And he’ll deserve every bit of it. Fuck. Ben imagines what Joe is going to think about him, how ashamed and angry he’ll be on Rami’s behalf.

Ben tugs the door closed behind him and takes a step, before he hears a pitiful noise behind him. Ben frowns and glances back at the door. He steps back, pressing his ear to the door, listening for a moment. Then he hears it again, a whine— no, a sob? Ben swallows hard, shakily stepping back. Oh god, he’s made Gwil _cry_ , he realizes. Oh, fuck. Fucking fuck. Ben reaches up to the door, about to knock, but his fingers just curl against his palm. He can’t knock, he can’t let Gwil know that he’s heard. Gwil almost certainly doesn’t _want_ to be heard. Not by him, anyway.

Ben glances up and down the hallway, and takes a deep shaky breath. He paces a bit, hands shaking as he brings them up to his face. He’s mortified by the things he just said, wants to retreat to the safety of his room as soon as possible, but he can’t leave Gwil now. He can’t walk away from someone who’s crying, especially not when it was his fault. Fuck fuck. Ben shakes his body out, trying to gather the courage. Finally, he reaches up, giving the door one quick knock. “Gwil?” he asks softly, pressing himself to the door.

Gwil lets out another cry, but then he stops, and Ben can’t hear anything. 

“Gwil, I’m sorry, mate,” Ben says. “I didn’t mean it. Fuck, I didn’t mean it. I’m an arsehole, I’m a complete tosser, I’m so sorry.” Ben holds his breath, trying to hear Gwil through the door. “Just— god, Gwil, I know you don’t want to talk to me, but if you could just _say_ something so that I know—”

“You’re right,” comes the barely audible reply, and Ben frowns.

“No, trust me, mate, I’m not,” Ben says. “I— I didn’t mean a word I said, I said it because I was angry but I have _no_ right to be. That isn’t fair to you. I…I’m not used to being…I thought I’d be better at this? I don’t know. And then I see Joe and Rami together and— I took it out on you. Please don’t listen to me.”

“No, you’re right,” Gwil says again. “Rami…I’ve ruined so much with him because of how I’ve behaved.”

“No.”

“I don’t understand why he’s friends with me either,” Gwil continues. “I’ve hurt him.”

“ _No_ ,” Ben says. “Gwil, he’s— oh, please Gwil, please don’t listen to me. I’m such an idiot. I didn’t mean it.”

“I’m sorry,” Gwil says quietly.

“No, Gwil, don’t apologize,” Ben says. “I— it’s my fault. I can’t believe I just said those things. I’m sorry. Of course I’ll give you more time, I’ll give you as much time as you need. Or— I won’t. I’ll leave you alone, I promise. It’s not fair for me to keep bothering you about this when you clearly—”

“No, don’t,” Gwil says quickly, and Ben thinks he can hear the desperation in his voice. “Please don’t.”

“Don’t…leave?” Ben asks. “Uh, are you sure, I—” He stops talking, just leans against the door. 

“Don’t leave,” Gwil confirms.

Ben swallows hard, looking down at his feet. “Do you want me to come back in?” he asks. He can hear Gwil sniffle loudly, but he doesn’t get an answer. “Gwil?” he asks. He hears a loud thump, and then feels something press against the door, and he steps back, realizing that part of the light coming from under the door is being blocked. He thinks Gwil is sitting down on the floor, and he glances around the hallway again, and decides he’ll sit down as well. He curls up a bit against the door, pressing his hand flat against it, as if Gwil can feel him. “I’ll stay, Gwil,” he says softly. “As long as you want.”

Ben sits there for what he thinks must be a few minutes, listening to Gwil softly cry. He won’t lie, he starts crying himself, tears silently running down his face. He wishes he was wearing something other than a t-shirt, so he could use the sleeve to wipe his cheeks. Once it’s quiet, and he thinks Gwil’s cried himself out, he speaks again. “You can talk to me, anytime, Gwil. I _want_ you to. It’s not a bother.” He thinks Gwil won’t answer. He’s wrong.

“I can’t tell Rami,” Gwil says, voice muffled by the door. “I can’t admit it to him.”

Ben frowns. “Oh…kay? Anything you can’t tell Rami, you can tell me.”

“I’m scared,” Gwil says, and Ben’s heart clenches in his chest.

“Of what?” Ben asks. “Of me?”

“Of everything,” Gwil replies. “Of what I missed. Of what the world’s like now. Of being alone.”

“You’re not alone, mate,” Ben says quickly. “You have Rami, and if you have Rami, you’ve got Joe now too. And— and me, if you want. I wasn’t lying, I want to be your friend.”

“What if I let more people in and they go away too?”

Ben shakes his head furiously, even though Gwil can’t see it. “No, no, that won’t happen. I won’t let it, I promise. I know I just said I was leaving, but— I won’t. I promise. Okay? Neither will Joe. And Rami won’t either. When he— after your commander died, and Rami was so worried about you, he came to see me. He wanted me to help, and I— you’re so important to him, Gwil. He won’t leave you, ever. I can tell. I promise.”

“I miss them.”

Ben nods. “I— I can’t begin to imagine how much. I’m really sorry, Gwil. I wish I knew how to bring them back. But I can’t. I’m sorry.” He swallows hard, feeling his eyes start to fill with tears again. 

“I don’t want to forget them,” Gwil says. “I’ve been so scared that…”

Ben listens as Gwil trails off, and presses himself further to the door. “That what?”

Gwil sniffles loudly. “That if I let you in…it means I don’t miss them anymore. You remind me of— someone I used to know. I think I’m scared that if… I don’t— I feel like I’m abandoning them. That reaching out to you and Joe means that— that they’re not important to me anymore.”

“No, Gwil,” Ben says, “that’s not true. That’s— I’m sorry you feel that way. But it’s not true. I’m sure— I mean, I didn’t know any of them, but I know if something like that happened to my family, I would want them to be happy. To make new friends. I wouldn’t be hurt, or offended. I’d be relieved, to know that they’re not alone. That they have somebody. I’m sure your family would feel the same. I’m sure when you were gone, they just hoped you were happy, and safe. That’s what family is. You won’t forget the old people just because there are new people.” Ben clears his throat, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “I’ve never lost anybody like you have, Gwil. I can’t help with that, I don’t know how. Joe’s father died, and I never knew what to say. And I don’t know what to say to you.” He takes a shaky breath. “Whatever you want, mate. I’ll— I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll say whatever you want. I just want to help. That’s all.”

“I know,” Gwil says quietly. “And I’ve just been pushing you away.”

“That’s alright,” Ben says. “I’m not offended. You can take as much time as you need, yeah?”

“I’ll try,” Gwil says, and Ben manages a smile. “I’ll— I will, I’ll try. Harder. For you. And Rami. And for— my family.”

Ben bites down on his lip, smiling. “Yeah? Good. That’s good.”

There’s a silence between them that stretches on, but Ben doesn’t move. He’s not going to, until Gwil does, or until Gwil tells him to leave.

“What sort of music is on there?” Gwil asks finally.

“Oh, uh, not very good stuff,” Ben replies. “My plan was, I’d put the music on there that I know, so we could…I don’t know, it sounds dumb now. Bond over it? I guess. But I don’t know a lot of music from back then. There’s really just one, uh…”

“How does it go?” Gwil asks.

Ben snorts. “Uh, I’m not a singer, mate. You should just let me in and I’ll play it for you.”

“How does it go?” Gwil asks again, and Ben thinks he must be teasing him now. He wishes he could see his face.

“Uh, it goes…” Ben trails off, trying to think. “Uh, I only know one bit, actually. It goes like, _just thinking of you…and the way you look tonight._ ” His voice his shaky as he sings, and he feels the warm flush of embarrassment on his face. “ _Just the way you look tonight._ ” He tries to hear Gwil’s reaction through the door. “Do you know that one?” he asks.

“I do, yeah,” Gwil says, and Ben has to smile. He hopes it’s a good memory for him, at least. “That was lovely.”

Ben laughs at that, and wipes at his face again. “Oh, shut up,” he mutters. “You sing then.”

“No, thank you,” Gwil replies, and Ben laughs again.

They settle back into their comfortable silence, Ben thinking of _so_ much he could say, about cell biology and movies and the questions he wants to ask about Luyten, but he decides to just stay quiet, just be there. Just let Gwil know that he’s not going anywhere. Eventually, he hears Gwil shuffling against the door, and it sounds like he’s standing up. Ben quickly stands up as well, but Gwil doesn’t open the door.

“Gwil?” Ben asks. “Is there anything you need me to get for you right now?”

“No,” Gwil says. “Not right now. I’m going to go to bed.”

“Okay, then,” Ben says. “Just— just let me know. A book or a film, or anything. If you just want to go for a walk and not say a word. I won’t— I won’t push anymore, I promise. I just…”

“Thank you, Ben,” Gwil says, but it doesn’t sound dismissive. It sounds sincere. “Good night.”

“Good night, Gwil,” Ben says, pressing his hand to the door again. He wants to say more, but he just says “good night” again, and walks away.

\+ + + + +

Ben unscrews the cap of his Coke Zero, taking a long swig. He’s been thirsty all morning, but too distracted to go get himself a glass of water. “So what was last night’s movie?” he asks, looking across the table at Joe and Rami. He’d been surprised when Rami showed up to meal hall alone, and a little disappointed too. He thought he’d finally made a connection with Gwil, but he guesses not as much as he thought. That’s okay, though, he thinks, he hopes Gwil will come when he’s ready.

“ _Titanic_ ,” Rami says, smiling back at Ben.

“Oh, yeah?” Ben asks, nodding. “And how was that?”

“Have you seen it?” Rami asks.

Ben nods. “Yeah, sure. Everybody has, it’s a classic. What’d you think?”

“I quite liked it, but it was awfully sad,” Rami replies. “Joe cried, a _lot_.”

“Hey!” Joe protests loudly, but Ben just laughs. “That’s not fair, you just said how sad it was!”

Rami laughs at Joe, but after a moment he quiets down, looking away uncomfortably. Ben frowns, watching him to see if he’s alright. 

“You okay?” Joe asks, leaning in towards Rami. “Maybe too sad?” he asks. Rami just nods. “Maybe we’ll watch something funnier next time.”

Ben watches Joe with Rami, and as bad as he feels for Rami, he’s trying hard not to smile. He can see how much Joe has helped him already, it makes his heart feel full. They seem like they’ve known each for years already, instead of days. It makes him feel sad too, though, that he can’t be that for Gwil.

“I liked it,” Rami says quietly, glancing over at Ben, “it’s just…the ending. It made me think.” It seems as though for a moment, he’s about to continue, but instead he just opens his water bottle, taking a drink.

“What about you?” Joe asks suddenly, looking at Ben. “What’d you get up to?”

“Uh…” Ben trails off, looking over at Rami, unsure if he’d spoken to Gwil yet that morning, or what, if anything, Gwil had told him. “Not much, really.” He shrugs. “Just…work stuff. Boring, you know.”

Joe rolls his eyes. “As riveting as ever, Ben.”

Ben shrugs, taking another drink before he starts to dig into his lunch, pizza and a small salad. He takes out his phone, absentmindedly scrolling through emails and his newsfeed as he listens to Joe and Rami talk about what they’d watch next, and deciding if they wanted to risk the rain on their walk today or not. He’s sure he’d be welcome to join them, but part of him also feels like he’s imposing. It’s odd, considering how long Joe has been his best friend for.

“Hi.”

Ben doesn’t look up right away when he hears Rami speak, assuming that he’s talking to one of the crew members he doesn’t know, or maybe his doctor. He reaches out to take a forkful of his salad, briefly glancing up from his phone as he does. He freezes, fork halfway to his mouth, staring at Gwil, who’s looking down at him.

“Hi, Rami, Joe,” Gwil says, giving them a quick smile. “Hi, Ben,” he says after a moment.

“Hi,” Ben says quickly, dropping his phone, moving his fork away from his mouth. “Hi, Gwil, how are you?”

“Alright,” Gwil says, shrugging. “Is it alright for me to sit?” he asks, gesturing towards the empty seat next to Ben with his tray.

“Yes!” Ben says. “Of course. Please.” As Gwil sets down his tray and pulls out his chair, Ben looks over at Rami and Joe, eyes wide. Rami is staring at Gwil in surprise, but Joe is looking back at Ben, a confused look on his face.

“How are you?” Rami asks, leaning forward a bit in his seat.

Gwil nods, opening his drink. He shrugs as he takes a sip. “I’m fine, yeah. How are you?”

“Well, thank you,” Rami says, and he slowly leans back, eyeing Gwil warily. “I’m surprised to see you here,” he admits after a moment. “Not that I’m not chuffed to see you here, I mean, I just thought…” Rami sighs and trails off.

Gwil glances over at Ben, who’s watching him back. “I’m trying to take your advice,” he says to Rami after a moment. “I’m…going to try.”

Rami smiles brightly at Gwil, quickly reaching over to grab onto his hand, giving him a squeeze. “Good,” he says, “I’m glad.”

Gwil nods, and Rami draws his hand back, happily going back to his food. “So, are you all— would it be alright if I joined you for your walk today?” he asks, looking around the table.

Ben and Joe glance at each other, and Joe straightens up in his seat, nodding eagerly. “Yeah, of course,” he says. “I’m thinking we might need jackets, it’s supposed to rain, but yeah, of course you should come.”

“Ben?” Gwil asks softly, turning towards him. “Are you coming?” 

Ben coughs a bit on his drink in surprise, nodding as his shoulders shake. “Yeah, yeah,” he says, clearing his throat. “Yeah, of course I will. Couldn’t keep me away.”

Gwilym smiles weakly at him and then turns back to his food, taking a couple bites before looking up and starting to speak softly to Rami.

Ben smiles at Gwil, still looking at him even after Gwil’s turned away, until he feels Joe kick his foot. He turns to him, confused look on his face. “What?” he asks softly.

Joe narrows his eyes at him and then gestures towards Gwil with his head, glancing over at him.

Ben just shrugs and shakes his head, making a gesture that he hopes Joe can figure out means, _I’ll tell you later._ He looks over when Rami and Gwil start laughing at something they were talking about, and he realizes that he doesn’t think he’s ever heard Gwil laugh before. He smiles, thinking that he quite likes the sound of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • time for the [Ben and Gwil moodboard](https://laminy.tumblr.com/post/183938416010/ben-hardygwilym-lee-into-the-blue-and-sunny), since they FINALLY talked without Gwil yelling at him! yay celebration!  
> • now that they've finally had an actual conversation, things are going to be a lot better between them, I promise.  
> • and pretty soon, they're leaving the IIS and going to start get on with their lives which I am excited for.  
> • I feel like if this were a TV show, this would be the season finale.


	11. Chapter 11

Ben’s office phone rings and he reaches over, picking it up without taking his eyes off his computer screen. “Hello, Hardy,” he says flatly, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder as he continues to type. “Oh, uh, hello,” he says, voice showing a bit more interest. He glances over at Joe, whose ears have perked up a bit. “Really?”

“What’s going on?” Joe whispers, leaning over the desk, but Ben just waves him off.

“No, that’s brilliant,” Ben continues, reaching over to grab a pen, making a quick note on the margins of a piece of paper in front of him. “No, thank you, just email it to me. Oh, that’d be brilliant, cheers, mate. Yes, thank you. As soon as possible, I’m sure. Alright, thank you.” He sighs heavily as he hangs up, looking over at Joe, who’s waiting expectantly for an explanation.

“Well?”

Ben reaches up, scratching at the back of his head. “Uh, good news?” he says awkwardly.

“Like, good news bad news, or just good news?” Joe asks. “I can’t take any bad news right now, dude.”

“No, there’s bad news too,” Ben says, “but it’s just bad news for me.”

Joe frowns. “What’s wrong?”

Ben groans, dropping his head into his hands, feeling Joe’s hand tentatively reach out and grab his shoulder, trying to comfort him.

“Ben?” Joe asks, his voice a bit shaky with nerves.

Ben shakes his head a bit. “We’re going to be flatmates,” he says sadly.

“What?” Joe asks, confused.

Ben lifts his head up, grinning at Joe. “The flats are ready in Perth,” he says. “Ready to move in with me?”

Joe looks at Ben in shock, then rolls his eyes, playfully hitting him. “God, Ben! I thought somebody else _died_ , are you serious right now?”

“Oh, calm down,” Ben says, “I’m allowed a bit of fun. Everything’s all sorted, they’re furnished, ready to go.”

Joe grins. “Yes! Finally. My dream of waking up next to you—”

“It’s a two-bedroom.”

“Is finally going to happen,” Joe continues, ignoring Ben. “Oh my god, we’re going to live in an actual apartment, Ben! Fuck crew quarters! Oh my god, we can eat out. Go to bars. See a movie! We get to rejoin civilization!”

Ben chuckles softly. “Good, I’m happy you’re so relieved.”

“Honestly, I’m over this,” Joe says, waving his hands around Ben’s office. “I mean, great view, but Jesus, nobody was meant to live here. We’re stuck in the woods, Ben. We get to go back out into the real world!” Joe laughs wildly, and Ben just looks at him in surprise. “This is amazing. Oh god, I’m so happy right now I could cry.”

“I had no idea you hated it here so much,” Ben says.

“Oh yeah, you owe me a _lot_ for making me do this,” Joe says, settling back down in his chair.

Ben snorts. “Really? You’ve gotten _nothing_ out of helping Rami? Nothing at all?” He raises his eyebrows.

Joe groans, looking away from Ben. “Fine,” he says softly, “it’s not _all_ bad. But I’m still allowed to be excited!” Ben smirks, and Joe rolls his eyes. “So what’s the plan, man?”

Ben shrugs. “Don’t know. Tell everyone?”

“Boring,” Joe replies. “Do I have to be involved?”

“They’re emailing me the list of housing,” Ben says, turning to his computer. “And they’re about to drive in to give me all the keys to the flats. I would say…” Ben trails off for a moment, thinking. “Call a meeting, tell everyone to start packing, and once they have the keys, they can go whenever they’d like.”

“Do I have to be involved?” Joe asks again.

“ _Yes_ , Joe,” Ben says, smiling. “You’re my assistant, remember? I’m going to email everyone to meet in the boardroom, when? An hour?” Joe shrugs. “You can run off copies of the housing list, enough for everyone, and then go around to knock on doors if anybody’s not checking their email.”

“Or doesn’t know how to use it yet,” Joe murmurs, “ahem ahem, Gwilym Lee.” Ben sighs.

“Yeah, well, he’s probably with Rami, so maybe you can just text _him_ ,” Ben says, looking at Joe over his computer. 

“Ugh,” Joe groans, “fine.”

Ben smiles, watching Joe type out the text. He sees Joe smiling as he types, and Ben has to fight rolling his eyes. His best friend is _so_ obvious.

\+ + + + +

Rami sighs, carefully picking up his cup of tea for a quick sip as he studies the cards in his hand. When they had departed on the Mercury, Rami had packed a cribbage board and a deck of cards; it was more his and Roger’s idea of fun than Gwil’s, but Gwil went along with it, and of course played with Rami on the ship. Joe had promised to introduce the two of them to a new world of board games, but so far, Rami was content to just play crib with Gwil in his quarters.

Rami glances over at Gwil, and then carefully discards his two cards, watching Gwil flip up the top card on the deck. A six of hearts. “Hmm,” Rami murmurs, glancing back at his cards. “Seven,” he says, putting down the card.

“Eight, fifteen-two,” Gwil says, moving his peg.

Rami smiles. “Nine, three points,” he says smugly, moving his peg.

“I hate this bloody game,” Gwil mutters, and Rami just scoffs.

“Oh sod off,” Rami says, laughing a bit at the look on Gwil’s face.

“I don’t know why I let you talk me into this every time,” Gwil says, placing another card. “I never win. You’re much better with numbers.”

“Joe said he’s going to get us a word game for the four of us to play together,” Rami says, “so maybe you’ll stand a chance.”

“And where is he?” Gwil asks, carefully glancing over at Rami to watch for his reaction.

“Hmm?” Rami asks, taking another drink of tea. “Joe?”

Gwil nods. “I’m just— I’m surprised he’s not here, is all. You two have been spending so much time together.”

“He’s with Ben,” Rami replies, shifting in his seat, bringing up one of his feet. “I’m not sure what they’re working on, honestly. Have you asked Ben?”

Gwil frowns a bit. “Asked him what?”

Rami shrugs. “About his work. Joe says he has a law degree. That’s quite clever.”

Gwil bites down on his lip just a bit, and then shakes his head. “No, not yet,” he replies, a bit uncomfortably.

Rami senses it, and gives Gwil a gentle smile. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” he says, “we’ve plenty of time for that.” He reaches out with his foot under the table, tapping Gwil’s leg, as if trying to reassure him.

“Right,” Gwil says, nodding. “But yes, a law degree, that’s quite something. I wonder how he ended up with the IIS.”

Rami smiles again. “Well, you could always…ask him?” he suggests. “Over dinner, maybe.” Gwil quickly looks up at Rami, a look of almost anger or disappointment on his face, and Rami shakes his head quickly. “No, no, not like that,” he assures him. “I just meant— in meal hall, with the four of us.”

“Oh,” Gwil says, settling back down a bit. “Right. No, you’re right. I do need to talk to him more. I hardly know him.” He swallows hard, picking up his drink, and looks down at his cards. “Seems quite nice, though.”

Rami watches Gwil for a moment, then looks away, feeling guilty for making Gwil think he would suggest a dinner date with Ben. Not _now_ , certainly. And maybe not ever; they haven’t broached the subject at all, but no, Rami would never think it was a good idea so soon. He raises his hand to his mouth, thumbnail scratching at his bottom lip, almost tuning out the game as he thinks about the possibility of any dinner dates in his future. He immediately feels dumb for even considering it, and blinks a couple times to focus back on the game.

“Rami?” Gwil asks.

“Hmm? Oh, sorry,” Rami replies, giving him a quick smile.

Gwil studies Rami for a moment, and opens his mouth as if to say something further. Rami looks at him expectantly, but then Gwil just shakes his head, smiling back, and looking back at the cards.

“I don’t know who’s worse at this game,” Rami begins, “you or Sami.”

Gwil flinches a bit at that, looking up at Rami in surprise. He seems to be studying him again, as if he can’t believe that Rami can just say his brother’s name so easily. 

“I’m fine,” Rami says, even though his voice betrays him just a bit, as it gently wavers. He clears his throat. “It’s fine.” Gwil frowns a bit, and Rami knows that Gwil isn’t ready to start talking about Roger yet, can hardly even say his name, really, but Rami doesn’t want to ignore Sami. He wants to be able to talk about him, to tell Joe and Ben about him, to reminisce with Gwil. Gwil can deal with his grief in his way, and Rami will respect it, but Rami wants to deal with his grief like this.

After a few moments, Gwil speaks. “Uh, uh no, me either,” he stammers, nervously reaching up to push his hair back a bit. “Although I did come third in our tournament that time, so…” He shrugs. 

“True, but I seem to recall somebody helping you with your cards,” Rami says, smirking. 

“Who can say,” Gwil says playfully, shaking his head. “We all remember things differently.”

Rami laughs loudly, shoulders shaking. “I think I have a pretty good memory, Gwil.”

“I think you drank too much wine that weekend to really know,” Gwil says, and Rami laughs even harder, bringing his hand up to his mouth.

“Well, I must be even better than I thought,” Rami says, once he can get the words out, still laughing, “if I can win even when I’m absolutely pissed.”

“Oh god,” Gwil mutters, rolling his eyes. “Would you just count your cards, please!”

Rami snorts, but looks down at his hand, starting to count them out.

“I don’t know how Sami puts up with you,” Gwil says jokingly, but then he freezes, looking at Rami, wondering if he’s said too much. Wondering if that’s too hard to hear, or too hurtful. It’s the exact type of joke he would have made before, hell he’s certain he actually has made it before, but now… Gwil clenches his hand, feeling a hot flush of shame on his face. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, looking away. 

Rami frowns, fingers gripping his cards tightly, but he just shrugs. “No, don’t be,” he says finally. “You’re right. I’m can be a sore winner, absolutely insufferable. Sami put up with me because he had to.”

“No,” Gwil says quickly, reaching out to Rami, “that’s not—”

“Why _you_ put up with me,” Rami continues, giving Gwil a cheeky smile, “I’ll never know.” He takes a deep breath, looking down at Gwil’s hand on his. “I’m fine, Gwil.”

“You sure?” Gwil asks, and Rami just nods.

“You’ve always bullied me,” Rami says, and Gwil just scoffs, withdrawing his hand. “Why stop now? It’s like old times.”

“I think a better question might be, I don’t know how _Joe_ puts up with you,” Gwil says, raising an eyebrow as he judges Rami’s reaction.

Rami opens in his mouth in surprise, and Gwil quirks his head at him, smiling a bit. “I…” Rami trails off, still unsure of what to say. He hasn’t discussed any of his feelings with Gwil yet, or with anyone, and he’s not sure if Gwil is just teasing or if he’s actually on to something. “We have a lot in common,” he finally says, stumbling a bit over his words. He reaches up, nervously scratching at the back of his head.

“Mm-hmm,” Gwil murmurs, looking back down at his cards.

Rami takes a deep breath, wanting to say more, wanting to tell Gwil _everything_ about how he feels, thinks that Gwil is his best mate and that he deserves to know, but it just seems like too much. They’ve gone through so much together, Gwil has gone through so much alone, he doesn’t need this dumped on his lap now too. And anyway, before he can speak, he gets a notification on his watch.

“What’s that?” Gwil asks.

Rami reads it quickly. “It’s from Joe,” he replies. “We’re all to report upstairs to the boardroom.”

“Oh no,” Gwil says flatly, dropping his cards, “what about our game?”

“Oh, stop it,” Rami says. “Besides, we’re not needed for another hour. Plenty of time.”

Gwil groans softly, rolling his eyes. “Lucky me.”

\+ + + + +

Ben walks down the hallway through the crew quarters. A few other crew members pass him along the way, boxes in their hands, heading out to Perth. Ben gives them all a smile and a wave, telling them to let him know if they need anything. He and Joe have already packed their things, not really having completely unpacked from when they moved in. The keys to all the flats were dropped off after the meeting the day before; Ben and Joe handing them out to all the crew members and volunteers. Their plan is to head out this afternoon. Joe is in Rami’s room, helping him move his stuff out to Joe’s car. But Ben hasn’t heard anything from Gwil yet.

Ben stops in front of Gwil’s door and takes a deep breath, before knocking. A moment later, the door opens just a crack, and then after a beat, Gwil opens it the rest of the way. “Hi!” Ben says, quickly raising his hand, thinking his voice is just a bit too eager. 

“Hi,” Gwil replies quietly.

“How’s packing going?” Ben asks, trying to peer past Gwil.

Gwil sighs and steps back from the door, letting Ben walk in. 

“Oh,” Ben says, realizing how little Gwil has to take to Perth with him. It seems like little more than he took with on the Mercury, if he had to guess. Just the new uniforms the IIS gave him, really. He hasn’t accumulated a new book collection since he’s been back or anything like that, unlike Rami, so it’s just a duffel bag for his clothes and the rucksack that Ben gave him with the computer. He looks up at Gwil, and catches him frowning. “It’s alright, yeah?” he says, giving him a comforting pat on the arm. “You can buy new things.”

Gwil looks away uncomfortably.

“Or, well, the IIS will buy you new things,” Ben corrects himself. “Do you want help carrying it out to the car?”

“I don’t think it’s that heavy,” Gwil replies, but Ben ignores him and reaches down, picking up the rucksack.

“Is this everything?” Ben asks, glancing around. He knows it is, but he wants to be polite.

Gwil nods, and reaches down, picking up his duffel bag, the same one he took on the Mercury.

“Great,” Ben says cheerfully. He lets Gwil walk out of the room ahead of him, and then Ben tugs the door closed behind him. “All the flats have furniture already,” Ben says, hurrying a bit to catch up to Gwil’s side. “But you and Rami can decorate however you’d like.” He smiles over at Gwil. “Also, I wanted to apologize.”

Gwil looks over at him in surprise. “For what?” he asks.

“Well, I never really asked before I got you and Rami your flat,” Ben explains. “I just sort of assumed you’d want to share; I shouldn’t have though. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, no,” Gwil says, “I’m— we’re chuffed.” He gives Ben an awkward smile.

“Yeah?” Ben asks, and Gwil nods. “Okay, brilliant.”

They head to the underground parking garage together, where there are other crew members packing up their vehicles as well, and find Joe and Rami by the sound of Joe’s voice. Plus Joe and Ben’s cars are parked across from each other.

“What’s the problem now, Joe?” Ben asks.

Joe looks at Ben, then Gwil, seeing how little they’re carrying, and then stomps his foot. “Rami’s bringing all his heavy books, and you’ve got _two_ little bags?”

“Oh come on, Joe, you’re big and strong, aren’t you?” Ben asks, smirking as he digs out his key fob, unlocking the boot. “Be nice.”

“We should’ve hired somebody to do this,” Joe says, leaning against his car. “I can’t do it.”

Gwil frowns, looking in Joe’s car, and then shrugs. “There are four of us, mate, I think we’ll be alright.”

Ben snorts with laughter, putting Gwil’s rucksack in the boot, and then reaches out for the bag Gwil’s still holding. 

“I cannot believe this,” Joe mutters, “it’s coming at me from all sides now! No wonder you two are _perfect_ for each other, you can pick on me together.” He crosses his arms, shaking his head.

Ben just glances at Gwil and then awkwardly clears his throat. “So, about an hour,” he says, changing the subject. “Your flat first,” he says, looking at Rami. “You have the address?”

Rami nods, and then steps a bit closer to Joe, who doesn’t seem to realize why there’s suddenly so much awkward tension in the air.

“Gwil, do you want to drive with them?” Ben asks, closing the boot.

Gwil looks over at Rami and Joe, and then glances back at Ben. “Oh, I, uh, no, that’s alright,” he says. “See you in an hour,” he says to Rami, giving him a wave.

“Bye,” Rami says, and then he glances over at Joe, biting his lip.

Ben and Gwil climb into Ben’s car, and Gwil looks around at the interior, taking it all in. 

“Uh, this is different,” Gwil says, reaching out to run his hands over the dashboard and the small screens.

Ben chuckles softly, watching Gwil look around. “Yeah, they’ve changed a bit in a hundred years, mate.” He smirks and hits a button, the car starting.

Gwil’s eyes widen and he listens to the sound of the engine. “I like that,” he says softly.

“It gets better,” Ben replies. He taps the address of Rami and Gwil’s flat into the small screen, and then glances over at Gwil. “Seatbelt.”

Gwil looks over at him, frowning. “What’s that?” he asks.

Ben looks at him in surprise, and then laughs. “That there, above your head,” he says, reaching over to draw Gwil’s attention to it. “Pull it on.” He sits back and pulls on his own seatbelt, and then watches Gwil awkwardly mirror him.

“When did we get these?” Gwil asks, looking down at the straps.

Ben laughs. “I’m…not sure, honestly,” he replies. “When cars started going fast enough to kill people, I guess.” He presses another button on the screen and then the car slowly starts pulling out of his parking space, by itself.

Gwil jumps and grips at the door, looking around.

“It’s alright,” Ben says. “I can take the wheel if it bothers you too much.”

“I…” Gwil leans forward, looking up through the windshield. “No, this is brilliant. It will take us the whole way?” he asks.

Ben nods. “All the way.” They’re only driving for a minute or two when Ben’s phone rings, and he takes it out, seeing that it’s Joe. “Hello?” he asks. “Just a sec.” He takes the phone away from his ear. “It’s for you,” he says, putting it on speakerphone.

Gwil frowns. “Hello?” he asks, leaning forwards towards the phone.

“Gwil!” Rami says loudly. “Gwil, it drives itself!”

Gwil looks over at Ben, the two of them grinning at each other. Gwil twists in his seat and looks out the back window, seeing Rami and Joe driving behind them. Rami waves his hand eagerly. 

“And Joe says they plug them in now!”

Gwil looks over at Ben, who nods.

“It’s true,” Ben replies. “They’re electric.”

“Gwil, Rog would think this is absolutely brilliant!” Rami says. 

Gwil sharply inhales, fingers clenching into his thigh. He swallows hard, and then looks over, meeting Ben’s eyes.

Ben bites down on his lip, looking at him sympathetically, not sure of what to say.

“Rog loved cars,” Gwil replies quietly, and Ben gives him a smile. “Yeah, yeah, he would,” Gwil says a bit louder to Rami, and he settles back in his seat, resting his elbow up on the door, bringing his hand to his mouth.

Ben brings the phone back up to his mouth. “We’ll see you there, yeah? Don’t have too much fun!” He ends the calls and sets his phone down. He turns on the radio to fill the silence, and they don’t speak for the rest of the ride.

\+ + + + +

Joe groans loudly as he collapses on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m never working again. Not a day in my life. I refuse to lift a finger. I’m gonna be a kept man.”

“Oh?” Ben asks, walking in from the kitchen. “Who’s going to keep you? Also, I thought you told me you were going to go get us supper.”

“No,” Joe whines. “I can’t.” He throws his forearm over his eyes, trying to hide away from his responsibilities.

“You also promised us liquor,” Ben says.

Joe groans loudly but he sits up at that. “I do need a drink,” he sighs, pushing himself off the sofa. “Okay, fine. What do we want to eat?” He looks at Rami, who just shakes his head.

“I’ll try anything,” Rami replies, smiling.

“Okay.” Joe turns, pointing at Gwil. “Any requests?”

Gwil reaches up, scratching his fingers through his beard. “No, thank you, Joe. Anything you like.”

“Ben, it sounds like I’m getting pizza,” Joe says, patting his pockets for his wallet. “The lazy man’s dinner.”

“Perfect,” Ben says, reaching into his own wallet, handing Joe a couple bills. “You need me to come with?”

“And leave these heathens alone in our apartment?” Joe asks, glancing at Rami and Gwil. “Uh, I don’t think so, Ben. They’ll clean us out. You saw how little stuff they have.”

Rami laughs softly, and even Gwil smiles, a bit amused. “I can come,” Rami says, pushing himself up off the floor. “I’d like to see more of the city.”

“You sure?” Joe asks. Rami just smiles and nods eagerly. “Alright, Gwil, you in?”

Gwil glances over at Ben, who’s distracting himself with organizing their bookcase. “No, I’m fine, thank you.”

“Alright, come on, Rami, we won’t be long.” Joe grabs his jacket off the chair and tugs it on, making sure he has his keys. “Peace!”

“Behave!” Ben calls after him, not even bothering to glance back at the door. Once he hears it close, he looks over at Gwil, giving him a quick smile. “Hungry?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “Yes, it will be nice. Warm food, cold drink.”

“Hmm.” Ben nods and turns back to the shelf, absentmindedly running his fingers over the spines of their combined book collection. He freezes when he comes upon one, tracing the embossed words of the title. He glances back at Gwil, then slides it off the shelf, reaching out to him. “I don’t think I need this anymore,” he says.

Gwil reaches out to take the book, glancing at the cover. He recognizes the Mercury, and then looks at the back, reading the fine text.

“It’s a bit odd now,” Ben replies, leaning back against the shelf. “I mean, odder for you, I’m sure. But…I don’t know, I suppose it’d be a bit like everybody in 1939 waking up and finding out the Titanic never really sank at all. They just got lost on the way to New York.”

“Wouldn’t that be something,” Gwil murmurs, briefly looking up at Ben.

“You don’t need to keep it, really,” Ben assures him, stepping forward with his hand out. “I’ll probably just toss it in the bin. Or give it to the IIS; they can stick it in the library.”

“No, can I?” Gwil asks, holding the book a bit closer to his chest. “I wouldn’t mind.”

“Sure?” Ben asks. “If you’d like. You can take any of them you like, up to you.”

“Do you read a lot?” Gwil asks, stepping toward the bookshelf, tilting his head a bit to read the titles, almost none of which he recognizes. He didn’t expect to, of course, but it still stings a little.

Ben shrugs. “Yeah, when I get the chance. I like reading. Do you?”

Gwil reaches out to slide another book off the shelf, looking at the cover. It’s a different image from the one that sat in his old flat, but it’s the same book nonetheless. “I don’t do it much for fun anymore,” he says, flipping through the pages. “Last couple years it’s been BIS training manuals. Before that, biology textbooks and essays. But yeah, I like to read.”

Ben smiles, amused. “I always forget you were a professor. Marking essays, assigning readings, all the fun bits. I can just picture you at the front of the room, glasses, jumper with the leather patches on the elbows.”

Gwil huffs a quiet laugh, nodding. “Not too far off, actually.”

Ben swallows hard, nervously looking up at him. “And uh, Roger?” he asks, voice shaking a bit.

Gwil’s eyes flick to Ben’s, grip tightening on the books in his hands.

“What did he do?” Ben continues. “Was he a professor as well?” He takes a deep breath, hoping that he hasn’t offended or upset him. He watches him, warily.

Gwil watches Ben for a moment longer, and then shakes his head, looking down at the books he’s holding. “Uh, no,” he replies, finally. “We met studying biology, but his father wanted him to become a dentist.”

“Oh,” Ben says, frowning a bit. That really wasn’t what he’d been expecting; before now, he honestly had never thought about how long dentists had been around for. God, he thinks, he really needs to brush up on his 20th century history.

“I think he fancies himself a bit of an artist, though,” Gwil continues.

“Oh?” Ben says again. He notices that Gwil’s still referring to Roger in the present, but he doesn’t have it in him to correct him. “Like a painter?”

Gwil shrugs. “More of a musician, I think, he’s all the time coming up with tunes and just the most ridiculous lyrics.” He smiles at the memory, and for a moment, Ben can tell he’s not there with him anymore. He might still be in Perth, but a Perth that faded a long time ago.

Ben doesn’t want to say anything, doesn’t want to break Gwil from the spell and bring him back to 2039, but after a few moments, Gwil’s smile fades a bit, and Ben can tell he’s back. He frowns, wishing he could do anything to help.

“Well,” Gwil says awkwardly, looking away from Ben. “Is it alright if I borrow this as well?” he asks, holding up the book.

Ben sees that it’s _Rebecca_ , given to him by Joe after they watched the movie together, and he nods. “Yeah, absolutely. It’s one of my favourites.”

“Mine as well,” Gwil murmurs, looking at the cover again.

“Maybe we could watch the movie together,” Ben suggests, hoping that he doesn’t sound too eager. He doesn’t want to scare Gwil off it. “It’s really good, I think you’ll like it.”

“Sure,” Gwil agrees, but Ben can hear it in his voice, he’s not really excited at the idea of it. He decides that’s alright, though. He can’t make Gwil do anything, and not watching a movie won’t offend him. Ben feels lucky enough that he’s got Gwil in his flat to begin with. 

Ben clears his throat and moves over to the television, looking behind it to check and see if it’s all plugged in. He looks around for the remote and grabs it, turning it on. “Do you like tennis?” he asks, starting to go through the channels. “The French should still be on,” he says, mostly to himself. “We can watch whatever,” he says, handing the remote off to Gwil. He walks into the kitchen, collecting enough dishes and cutlery for the four of them, so it will be ready to go when Joe and Rami get back.

When he looks back in the living room, Ben sees Gwil sitting on the sofa, the books beside him, the remote in his hand. Gwil hasn’t changed the channel though, he’s just staring intently at the tennis match on the screen. “Did you want to change it?” Ben asks, leaning in.

Gwil looks down at the remote, and just shakes his head. “No, no. This is fine.”

“Okay,” Ben says carefully, not sure if Gwil’s actually okay with tennis or if he’s just being polite. Then, all of a sudden, Ben feels like an idiot, and he walks back into the living room, sitting down next to Gwil. “Uh, you can probably figure this out on your own,” he says, gesturing towards the remote. “But this is the volume button. And this is the channel button, so up or down. Uh this here, if you press it, will show you everything that’s on right now, and what’s coming on later, and you just use these buttons to go through and see. Like this.” He gives Gwil a quick smile. “But tennis is good, if you like it.”

“Fred Perry is my favourite,” Gwil says. “He just won Wimbledon three years in a row.”

Ben nods. He hasn’t heard the name before, but he can talk sports, if that’s what Gwil’s into. “I started watching it when I was a kid. My parents were big fans of a guy named Andy Murray, he’s Scottish. Well, when he lost. When he won, he was British and everybody loved him.” He laughs softly. “Plus he won gold at a couple Olympics. Pretty good.” Ben thinks for a moment. “Uh, Wimbledon is still in the summer, maybe we could go for a day. I know you probably prefer rugby, but we just missed the Six Nations.”

Gwil frowns, glancing over at him. “Six Nations?” he repeats.

Ben nods. “Yeah, you know.” He doesn’t get which part Gwil doesn’t understand.

Gwil smiles faintly, obviously amused. “It was just five, back in my day.”

“Oh!” Ben says in surprise. “Yeah, right, sorry. Uh, same five, I think, and Italy. You’ll be happy to know that Wales has won more than anybody else. Some of the games are on the computer I gave you, yeah? I don’t know if you’ve looked at them yet.”

Gwil shakes his head.

“No worries,” Ben says, giving him a smile. “Honestly, I don’t really need you watch them and rubbing it in my face every time Wales beats England. The only consolation I have is that Italy is rubbish, so.”

“Who roots for Italy?” Gwil asks.

“Oh, Joe,” Ben replies. “His family’s Italian, Mazzello? He actually doesn’t like rugby very much, he just puts up with it. Same way I put up with baseball. Which…” Ben quickly checks the guide on the television. “Well, let’s just hope he doesn’t know it’s on tonight. Though I’m sure he does. He can check the scores on his phone.” Ben sets the remote down on the coffee table and then settles back against the sofa, watching the match.

Gwil picks up the books from the sofa and leans forward, resting them on the coffee table beside the remote, before he settles back beside Ben. “Ben?” he asks softly after a moment, glancing over at him.

“Yeah?” Ben asks, dragging his eyes away from the television.

“Thank you,” Gwil says, and Ben immediately smiles, so hard that it almost hurts his face.

“For what?” Ben asks, but Gwil just scoffs.

“For everything,” Gwil replies. “For this. For…helping. Even when I didn’t want you to.”

“Of course,” Ben assures him. “My pleasure.”

“Yeah?” Gwil asks, and Ben nods, patting him a couple times on the knee. “Do you think I’m going to be able to figure all this stuff out?” he asks.

“Like what?” Ben asks. “Like, computers and the tele?” Gwil nods. Ben scoffs. “Gwil, you flew a spaceship to another planet. I think you can do this.”

“Technically I never flew,” Gwil replies, “I spent most of my time in the lab.” 

Ben grins. “Okay fine,” he replies, “you were a _scientist_ on a spaceship. And, you know what? If you can’t figure it out, who cares? It’s just the tele. Read a book. You can become a hipster who’s like, too cool for TV. You’ve almost got the look right, anyway.” He grins and then takes a deep breath, thinking that maybe the situation calls for him being more serious than this. “Look, Gwil, I know I don’t know you very well yet, but I know you’re smart. Probably a genius, if we’re being honest. And if you want to figure this stuff out, you will. None of it is hard. My grandparents are all online. But, obviously, if you need help, Joe and I are here. Never be afraid to ask us. But, if you don’t want to, that’s okay too. I’m just more concerned about you being okay, than whether or not you know how to use a watch that gives you recipes. And before you ask, yes, Joe has an app for that. I hate it, he just ends up squinting at it all the time, I don’t know what’s wrong with a regular cookbook.” Gwil smiles at that, and Ben smiles back. “We’re just going to try to get you settled in Perth first, and then we’ll take it one day at a time. Anything you want to do, right?”

Gwil nods, giving Ben an appreciative smile. “Thank you,” he says.

Ben nods. “Yeah, of course. I’m more than happy to do this for you, Gwil. Not just because it’s my job, and not just because you’re celebrities. I actually care. Joe does too, I promise.” He smiles.

“Celebrity?” Gwil repeats.

Ben sighs; he really can’t get anything right, can he? “Uh, sorry, is that a new thing? It just means someone famous, like a film star.”

Gwilym chuckles softly. “No, I— I know what it means.”

“Oh,” Ben says flatly, feeling even dumber than he did before.

“I just meant, we’re celebrities?” Gwil continues. 

“Oh my god,” Ben says, awkwardly pushing himself up so that he can grab his phone. “You have _no_ idea. The crew of the Mercury are like the Wright brothers.” He types quickly, and then shifts a bit closer to Gwil, so he can get a better view of the screen. “We’ve got the Malek School of Engineering, at the British University in Egypt.” He shows Gwil the page, which says that it was named after Rami Malek GC, an early British-Egyptian pioneer in avionics. 

“Oh my god,” Gwil says, looking at the page. “That’s brilliant.” He looks up, meeting Ben’s eyes, a smile on both their faces.

“Oh just wait,” Ben says, taking his phone back, typing again. “Look at this,” he says, showing Gwil his phone again. The Lee GC Grammar School, in Sutton Coldfield. “That’s you, mate.”

Gwil frowns. “GC?” he asks. “It said it after Rami’s name too.”

“Uh, yeah,” Ben murmurs. “I’m not really sure.” Ben searches ‘GC’ and then reads the screen, smiling at Gwil. “The George Cross.”

“What’s that?” Gwil asks.

Ben searches, bringing up at a list of George Cross recipients. “It says, _‘The George Cross is the second highest award of the United Kingdom honours system. It is awarded for gallantry not in the presence of the enemy to both members of the British armed forces and to British civilians.’_ ” Ben smiles and scrolls down to look at the list. “They gave it to all of you, in the ‘40s. After the war.”

“What?” Gwil asks, taking the phone from Ben’s hands. “Are you sure?”

“That’s what it says right there, mate,” Ben says pointing to the screen. “George gave it to you and everything, there was a ceremony at Buckingham.” Ben thinks for a moment. “I should look into getting those for you. Maybe there could be a proper ceremony and everything.”

Gwil just shakes his head, staring down at the phone in disbelief. “No, no, that’d be too much,” he says softly. He looks at all their names on the page. Then suddenly, he looks up at Ben again. “Who’s king?” he asks, handing Ben his phone back. “Or queen?”

“Hmm?” Ben asks. “Oh, Will. Hasn’t been for long, Charles stuck around longer than people expected, I think.”

“And,” Gwil starts, awkwardly glancing away, “who are they again?” he asks.

“Who?” Ben repeats, confused. “Oh! You mean, like…uh, well, it went George, Elizabeth, then Charles, and Will.”

Gwil smiles faintly. “Elizabeth?” he repeats. “She was there, the day we left.”

Ben nods. “Yeah, I’ve seen the photo. There’s a million copies of it in every IIS office. Well, Charles was her son, and then Will is his. Maybe you should meet him. They probably expect you to, you know. Some big thing. A welcome back ceremony.”

Gwil frowns at the idea of that. “Ben?” he asks. “Who knows?”

“Who knows what?” Ben asks.

“That we’re back,” Gwil says. “I— I sort of expected that we’d be thrown to the wolves by now, every kind of journalist or researcher, but…do they know?”

“Uh…” Ben reaches up, scratching at the back of his head. “Sort of?” he replies. “Uh, obviously people know. The IIS is an international organization, so the leaders of every country where the IIS operates know. And IIS employees too. But— we’re not trying to _hide_ you, exactly. We just wanted to give you a chance to adapt before you have to deal with that sort of thing. Do you really want to start doing interviews?”

“No,” Gwil says quickly, “not at all.”

Ben smiles. “Exactly. I’m not going to lie, Hartstone will probably make you all do at least one, but not yet, yeah? Not now. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

Gwil nods, grateful. There’s more he wants to ask, but he looks up when he hears a loud voice outside at the door.

“That would be Joe,” Ben says, pushing himself off the sofa to get the door.

“Quick,” Gwil replies, standing up, following Ben into the kitchen.

“Hello!” Joe announces, balancing the pizza boxes in his arms as he walks by Ben. “I come bearing food, Rami here’s got the booze. We are your gods now.”

Ben glances over at Gwil with a gesture as if to say, ‘ _welcome to this for the rest of your life’_. Gwil smiles and walks over to Rami, taking a bottle of whisky from his hands, looking at the label. 

“We also got cider, and lager,” Rami says, setting them down on the kitchen counter. 

“And whatever snacks I could grab at the corner store,” Joe says, dropping it all on the counter beside the drinks. “What’d you guys get up to?” he asks.

“We’re watching tennis,” Gwil replies, glancing back at the living room.

“Mm, okay,” Joe says, eyes narrowing a bit. “Normally I would say no to that, but since you’re our guest, Gwil, I will allow it.” He looks a bit disappointed though. “Maybe I’ll just see what movies are on,” he says quickly, running into the living room.

“Joe!” Ben protests, going after him.

“Rami,” Gwil says quietly, leaning against the counter where Rami is looking at the snacks that Joe bought.

“Hmm?” Rami asks, looking up at him.

Gwil smiles, and reaches out put his hand on Rami’s. “I have a surprise for you,” he says.

Rami’s face lights up. “Really?” he asks, and Gwil nods. “What is it?”

“Just stay right here,” Gwil says, walking back towards the living room. “I just have to…” he trails off and walks over to Ben, speaking softly so that Rami can’t hear him. Ben takes out his phone again, types on it, and then hands it over to Gwil. Gwil nods his thanks and then walks back over to Rami, standing beside him so that he can show him the screen.

“What’s this?” Rami asks, tilting his head a bit so that he can read the page. He takes the phone out of Gwil’s hand, looking at it a bit more closely. 

Gwil looks up, glancing over at Ben, who’s smiling. Joe stands beside him, just looking a little confused. Gwil smiles back, and then looks back at Rami. “That’s you,” he says, pointing at the screen. “The Malek School.”

“No,” Rami says softly, shaking his head. “It’s not…” But he reads on, seeing his full name, the description of him, and then he looks up at Gwil. “That’s me,” he says.

Gwil nods eagerly. “Brilliant, yeah?”

Rami nods back, beaming. “I…don’t know what to say,” he says. “I…Joe! Did you know this?” he asks, lifting up the phone. “They named a school after me.”

“No, I didn’t,” Joe says, walking over to them. “But you deserve it, that’s amazing.”

“Cool, right?” Rami asks, and Joe laughs softly, nodding.

“Very cool, Rami,” Joe agrees. “The coolest.”

“Wow,” Rami says, looking back at the screen.

“And look at this,” Gwil says, gently taking the phone back from Rami’s hands. He frowns at the screen, actually looking at the app for the first time, and then takes a guess, tapping on the magnifying glass in the righthand corner. A keyboard pops up and Gwil slowly types on it, a bit uncomfortable as Rami and Joe watch him, knowing that Joe could probably do it 10 times faster. He taps on the first result, and then shows the screen to Rami again. “King George gave us awards for gallantry,” he says, and Rami eagerly takes the phone to read it.

“I’m gonna grab a smoke before we eat,” Ben says, gesturing towards the balcony.

“That’s going to kill you, Ben,” Joe says flatly, but he doesn’t look up from the phone, reading it over Rami’s shoulder.

“They’re gonna figure out a way to make us all immortal by then,” Ben replies, sliding open the door to the balcony, stepping outside.

“Look at this, Joe,” Rami says, tilting the screen towards him, and Joe nods.

“I know, I see it,” he replies, smiling at him.

Gwil grabs a drink off the counter and opens it. He takes in the sight of Joe and Rami together, and then steps back. On second thought, he grabs another drink, and walks out of the kitchen. He glances at the television screen, then follows Ben out onto the balcony. For a moment, out of the corner of his eye, Ben shocks him. The blond hair shining, the cigarette in his mouth…it’s too much. Gwil takes a drink, shakes himself out of it, and then hands the other one over to Ben.

“Oh, cheers,” Ben says, surprised, but happily taking it from him. “You know, I think you made Rami pretty pleased in there.”

Gwil shrugs, leaning against the railing of the balcony, taking in the sight of his old city. In some ways, he knows that it’s changed more than he realizes, but at the same time, the layout is the same. The landmarks are the same. He thinks if he went for a walk, he could orientate himself fairly quickly. It’s still home, no matter how much time has passed. “He deserves it,” he replies after a few moments. “And after I hurt him for so long, I— I’m lucky he still talks to me at all.” He smiles faintly. “And I like making him smile.” He glances back inside the flat, where Rami and Joe are still talking.

Ben follows Gwil’s gaze, and smiles. “Joe’s nice,” he says, and Gwil looks at him, giving him a nod. “I wouldn’t worry.”

“Easier said than done,” Gwil replies, and he looks back out at the city, taking another drink.

The two of them stand on the balcony in silence, just taking in the fresh air and the view, until Joe loudly claps on the doorframe, sticking his head out. “Rami wants to change the channel,” he says.

Ben snorts. “Oh, does he?” he asks.

Joe smirks. “He does. Also, he’s going to eat _all_ the pizza if you don’t hurry up and get your asses in here, so step to it!” He claps the doorframe again and then disappears back inside.

“Shall we?” Ben asks, stubbing out his cigarette, gesturing towards the door.

“Just a moment,” Gwil replies, stepping out of Ben’s way to let him squeeze by. “I’m just going to stay out here a bit longer.”

“Alright,” Ben replies. “I’ll make sure Joe doesn’t eat it all.”

“I heard that!” Joe calls from inside the living room. “And I told you, it’s not me, it’s Rami!”

Ben and Gwil chuckle softly and Ben walks back into the flat, looking around. “You don’t have to take three slices at once, Joe, you’re hardly at risk of starving.”

“Stop bullying me,” Joe replies, folding a slice and taking a huge bite.

Gwil settles back against the balcony, taking another drink. He listens to the sound of Ben and Joe playfully bickering inside, Rami trying to break it up, but eventually he just tunes them out, becoming part of the background noise. He shivers a bit in the cool air. He focuses on St. Matthew’s Church in the skyline, and then navigates from that to the general area of where his old flat was. He wonders what’s there now. 

He jumps when he hears Rami let out a loud laugh, and he glances back at the door.

“Sorry!” Joe calls out, but Gwil’s not sure if he’s talking to him or not.

Gwil nervously drums him fingers on the balcony, looking back out. He can feel the growing pit in his stomach, the one that almost makes tears come to his eyes. The one that tells him he should just stay out on the balcony all night, or go home early without Rami. It’s not far; he could easily walk it. He starts incessantly tapping his foot, and then takes another drink. He looks down at his hands, awkwardly shifting the bottle in his grip so that he can nervously twist at his ring. He squeezes his eyes shut, body tense, leaning against the cold metal of the railing, and he starts to feel sick.

“Hey.”

Gwil turns, seeing Rami standing at the door, giving him a gentle smile. “Hi,” he says, clearing his throat.

Rami steps out onto the balcony and looks around at the view, walking over to Gwil. He leans against him, resting his head on Gwil’s arm, wraps an arm around his waist, and takes a deep breath. “We’re finally home, huh.”

Gwil nods, swallowing hard. He wants to say, _no, not really, we can never go home_ , but he doesn’t. He thinks Rami might be happy here; he doesn’t want to take that from him.

“Are you alright?” Rami asks.

Gwil looks down, feeling ashamed, face warm. “I was thinking about Roger,” he admits softly.

“Yeah?” Rami says. “That’s alright. I think about them too.” He squeezes Gwil’s waist gently.

Gwil nods, taking another drink. “He’d—” he clears his throat, starting again. “He’d probably want me to go inside and be with my friends,” he continues. He feels the tears finally come, and he quickly tries to blink them away. Thinking about what Roger would want for him, what anybody in his family would want for him, it’s still too hard. Even though he knows it’s true. He imagines what Roger would be like a gathering like this; he’d probably be as loud as Joe, teasing Rami and Ben just the same.

Rami looks up at Gwil in surprise, eyes wide, and nods. “Yeah?” Gwil nods. “Yeah, I’d reckon you’re right,” he agrees. He steps back from Gwil, and then offers him his hand. “Come on, you’ve got to eat.”

Gwil swallows hard and then looks one last time out at the city, and then reaches out, letting Rami lead him back inside.

“ _Finally_ ,” Joe groans, mouth full of food. “I thought you were going to spend the night out there. Gwil, it’s _really_ important to Rami that you agree to watch this movie, okay?”

Rami snorts and shakes his head. “It’s not my idea.”

“Okay?” Gwil asks, confused.

“Ha!” Joe says, turning to Ben. “That’s three-one, I win.”

“That was _clearly_ not a vote,” Ben argues, “you’ve just confused him.”

“That’s your food there,” Rami says to Gwil, gesturing towards a plate on the coffee table.

“What’s the film?” Gwil asks. He reaches down to pick up his plate and then glances around, dropping down in a large chair that’s positioned near the end of the couch that Ben is sitting at.

“Okay Gwil,” Joe says, turning towards him. “Get ready for… _The Shape of Water_. It’s a classic.”

“It’s _weird_ ,” Ben says, turning towards Gwil. “Don’t listen to him.”

“What’s it about?” Gwil asks.

“It’s a classic love story,” Joe says, “between a mute woman who works as a cleaner at this top-secret government agency, and the test subject the government’s captured.”

“And yet Joe can’t see why that might be inappropriate, given present company,” Ben says, turning towards Joe, eyes wide, pointedly clearing his throat.

Joe frowns, then his eyes widen. “Oh! Oh. Right. Well, it’s not— okay, I can _see_ why that might give you pause, Gwil, but I assure you, it’s nothing like the IIS. Um, I guess— though some of the stuff they do him, I mean, _we_ didn’t do it, but—”

“It— it might be not be too bad,” Gwil says. He hopes that it’s nothing like their experience upon returning to the IIS; he appreciates Ben’s worry, but he also finds that he somehow trusts Joe enough already to not want to hurt him or Rami. “If you think it’s okay.”

“See!” Joe says. “Three-one.”

Ben sighs. “Okay Gwil, I need you to know one thing before you make your final vote,” he says, turning on the sofa to face him. “It’s about a woman who shags a fish.”

Gwil snorts loudly in surprise, as Joe protests. “Hey, hey, no spoilers!” Joe says, smacking Ben on the arm. “Gwil, ignore him, it’s amazing. Ben, you’re such an asshole! Just because you don’t like it, doesn’t mean he won’t.”

Gwil frowns and then looks at the other three. “Uh, well…I don’t know if we should watch something that Ben doesn’t like,” he says, and Ben smiles in relief. “Just, there must be something we can _all_ agree on?”

“I cannot believe you,” Joe mutters, pushing Ben again. “You’ve ruined movie night. Rami, we’re going to have to watch it on our own. Okay, so what are we going with?” He looks around. “Oh my god, _best_ idea. Gentlemen? _2001: A Space Odyssey_.”

Ben groans loudly, lifting his hand to his face. 

“Oh shut up, you liked it,” Joe says.

“I do, but— they were just in space,” Ben says, “do we really need to watch a space movie?”

“What’s it about?” Rami asks.

“It’s also weird,” Ben says, “but it is good.”

“It’s starts with people finding this weird artifact on the moon,” Joe says. “Aliens put it there and it emits this really loud signal. But it’s mostly about these two astronauts who are on a spaceship going to Jupiter. And their computer system starts messing up, and they sort of have to figure out if it’s because it’s broken or if it’s deliberately hurting them. It’s really good. Plus, now we have something to compare it to.”

Rami and Gwil look at each other quickly, frowning.

“What?” Ben asks, looking between them.

Gwil just shakes his head.

“That sounds familiar,” Rami says.

“No way,” Joe says. “Came out in the ‘60s.”

“No, Rami’s right,” Gwil says, glancing at Ben. “I’ve heard that story before.”

Joe sighs, taking out his phone.

“Is it based on a book?” Ben asks. “Maybe an old one?”

Joe shakes his head, thumb scrolling on the screen. “No, just a short story. 1948. _The Sentinel_ , by Arthur C. Clarke. You guys are wrong.”

Rami and Gwil look at each other again, and then Rami starts laughing.

“What?” Joe asks.

Gwil just shakes his head, an amused smile on his face. “No, no. You’re right, Joe, we must be wrong. You’re right.”

“What is it?” Ben asks, glancing between the two of them. “How— I don’t get it.”

“Arthur,” Rami says. “We know him.”

“Wait, _what_?” Joe asks loudly.

Gwil chuckles. “He told us that story. Well, parts of that story. He definitely talked about it. When did he join, Rami?”

Rami looks up as he thinks. “‘34, wasn’t it?” he asks. “Or ‘35. He was quite young, anyway.”

Gwil nods. “I think you’re right, ‘34 sounds right.”

“Joined what?” Joe asks.

“The BIS,” Rami replies smugly. “He loved space. Was always writing about space travel and what he thought the future would look like.”

“I’m sorry, you knew the person who wrote _2001: A Space Odyssey_?” Joe asks, still in shock. “I— wait, what? Oh come on, we gotta watch it now! Ben, come on. They know the guy!”

“I’d like to see what he came up with,” Rami says, shrugging. He looks over at Gwil, who nods. 

“Sure, me too,” Gwil agrees. He looks over at Ben. “Is that alright?”

Ben gestures around the room, and finally nods. “Yeah, of course. I— alright. The BIS. Yeah, let’s watch it.”

“This is amazing,” Joe says, pushing himself up to go find the movie. “I mean— come on, this is cool!”

“I wonder what happened to him,” Rami says, looking over at Gwil. Gwil shrugs, and takes a bite of his pizza. “He wrote a film. Wow. Good for him.”

Gwil nods, and smiles over at Ben. “Is it really good?” he asks.

Ben nods. “It is. Well, it was. I don’t know what actual astronauts are going to think of it.”

“Please save all of your ‘ _space wasn’t really like that_ ’ comments for the end,” Joe says, coming back into the room. “We can have a hearty discussion afterward.”

Ben laughs, shaking his head in amusement at his best friend.

Rami and Gwil look over at each other, smiling. Gwil takes another drink, settling back into the comfortable chair, trying to relax a bit. Being there in that moment, it does remind Gwil of home, and he’s happy that he came inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • I just really like this chapter because for once it's mostly sweet and happy instead of my constant angst fest.  
> • now they're just the four bestest friends who have ever lived! and look, more Gwil/Ben conversations!  
> • also, Arthur C. Clarke really was a member of the BIS! he joined in the '30s when he was just a teenager.


	12. Chapter 12

Ben looks up, watching Joe putter around the kitchen, starting to get supper ready. Ben’s sitting at the counter, his laptop open in front of him. He has nothing open, he’s just staring at the screen, waiting for inspiration to hit.

“I am thinking…” Joe says, looking around the fridge, “Hasselback chicken with mozzarella,” he announces, glancing over at Ben. “Yay or nay?”

Ben gives him a thumbs up and shifts on the kitchen stool, sighing.

“Perfect,” Joe says, starting to grab all the ingredients he needs, piling them on the counter beside Ben. “What’s up?” he asks, going over to start preheating the oven.

Ben just shakes his head.

Joe looks at him with an amused expression. “Did you lose your voice today or something?” he asks. The four of them had spent a couple hours just walking around Perth, helping Rami and Gwil reorientate themselves with the layout, listening as they pointed out places they used to frequent. Most of the businesses had changed, but a couple of the other pubs were still there, much to their amusement.

Ben sighs. “No, Joe, I’m just thinking.”

“Oh, shit,” Joe says, going over to a drawer to pull out a cutting board for the chicken. “Dangerous.”

“Hmm,” Ben murmurs, slowly nodding.

“Okay, let’s brainstorm together,” Joe says. “What are we working on here? Maybe I can help. Is it another report?”

Ben shakes his head. “No, it’s Gwil,” he says.

Joe frowns. “Did something happen today?” he asks. “I don’t know, I thought it seemed like he had a good time. Or, a better time than he’s had doing anything else since they got back.”

“Yeah, I think so too,” Ben says, sighing. “He seems to be getting better since we left the IIS.”

“You mean since he started hanging out with _us_ ,” Joe says, gesturing between them with the knife he’s using to slice the chicken. “Because we’re awesome.”

Ben chuckles softly. “Yeah, sure, Joe. I just…I’m worried.”

“You’re too young to worry so much,” Joe says. “You’re going to get wrinkles.”

“Thanks, Mum,” Ben says. “I just, what’s next? You know? I got him to talk to me, I got him to Perth, and now what?”

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know, ask him? Does he want to go back to work? Does he want to…I don’t know, maybe he wants to go to school! UHI is right here, he can take a class or two or something, that might be cool.”

“Well, what are you doing with Rami?” Ben asks.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know. He’s excited to go to the Playhouse; I think he wants to see every movie they’re playing. The art gallery, the concert hall. Whatever. I haven’t really thought about it too much, honestly. We’re just…going to be friends, you know. I told him we’d show him Scrabble, so we’re going to need a board games night. Also, we’re going to need get board games.”

Ben laughs, shaking his head. Then suddenly he groans and drops his head into his hands. “I—”

“Want to help him, yes, I know,” Joe says. “I’ve heard. And you are. He’s going to be okay. Yeah? Ben, say yes.”

Ben smiles and rolls his eyes. “ _Yes_ , Joe,” he replies. He finally gives up and closes his laptop, leaning forward to watch Joe prepare the chicken.

“Good,” Joe nods. “I’m happy to hear it! Too bad Gwil doesn’t have a phone yet, you could shoot him a text. A little, _‘hey Gwil, it’s Ben, just wanted you to have my number, call me anytime!’_ And then your weird British _‘xx’_ thing. We should really get him a phone.”

“I wouldn’t want to bother him,” Ben says softly, watching Joe stick the basil leaves into the chicken. 

Joe shrugs. “Fine, up to you. You are more than welcome to join Rami and I on our movie date, though.” He reaches over and starts working on preparing the asparagus.

Ben smiles up at him, nodding. “Yeah, thanks.” He decides not to comment on Joe's use of the word 'date' when talking about Rami.

“Damn, what do we have for dessert?” Joe asks suddenly. “I’m in the mood for something sweet, I kind of want a cake?”

Ben laughs loudly. “Joe, we don’t need a cake. It’s just the two of us!”

“Invite our new friends over, then,” Joe replies. “Call ‘em up.”

“Joe, we just spent all day with them, they need their alone time,” Ben replies, but he has to admit to himself that the idea of having Gwil and Rami over does sound kind of nice.

“Two hours is hardly _all_ day, Ben, and we can at least offer, can’t we?” Joe asks. 

Ben sighs. “You can, if you want. Come on, I know you’re dying to call him.”

“I just mean, I’m making _all_ this food,” Joe says, gesturing towards the chicken. 

“Joe, just do it,” Ben says, and Joe makes a gleeful noise, running to the sink to wash his hands before he takes out his phone.

“Hi, Rami?” Joe asks after a moment. “What are you guys doing for supper?” He drums his fingers impatiently on the counter. “Yeah? Because I am making chicken, and I think we’re getting cake for dessert— yeah. And Ben and I just wanted to know if you wanted to come over. Yeah, both of you, of course.”

Ben smiles at that; he wonders if Rami had excitedly hoped that Joe was asking him to hang out alone, or if he was relieved to know that Gwil was invited as well.

“I can get you,” Joe continues. “No, I know you’re close, but I have to go get dessert anyway. Yeah? Okay, just gimme a couple minutes. No, Ben has to watch the chicken.” At that, he turns around and gives Ben a wink. “Alright, bye.” Joe ends the call with a huge smile on his face. “They’re in.”

“I heard,” Ben says, smiling. 

“It’s okay, right?” Joe asks. “I mean, did you want it to be just us or something?”

Ben shakes his head. “No, no, Joe, I’m fine. I’m happy to have them over.”

“It’s not weird?” Joe asks.

“Not weird,” Ben replies.

“Okay, great,” Joe says. He grabs his wallet and keys off the counter. “Okay, so 30 minutes, if I’m not back,” he says, gesturing towards the chicken. “Stick the asparagus in in 15, so it’s still hot. You good?”

“I have cooked before,” Ben says, eyeing the chicken.

“I haven’t seen it,” Joe says. “Be right back!” He hurries out of the apartment, pulling the door closed behind him.

Ben sighs. He pushes himself up and checks the oven before opening the door, sliding the tray inside. He leans against the oven, crossing his arms. It’s not that he doesn’t want Rami and Gwil to come over for dinner, it’s just that now that he’s finally got Gwil talking to him, he doesn’t want to be overbearing and bother him. Rami and Joe are close, and like spending so much time with each other, but Gwil… He thinks that spending the day (okay fine, just a couple hours) with Ben and Joe was probably enough. Ben’s been that person before, who gets ready, excited really, at the idea of getting to just stay home, relax, and be alone. And he’s felt the disappointment when somebody (usually Joe) calls and asks him to hang out. Gwil’s probably going to be in a mood, he thinks. He’ll have to make sure that Joe knows what an appropriate length for dinner is, and to convince him that _no_ , having a late night is not a good idea.

They haven’t been in the flat long enough to make a mess yet, but Ben still fills his time nervously moving through the rooms, making sure everything is in its place and still looks good, occasionally checking on the chicken, and he puts the asparagus in alongside it when it’s time. He’s in his bedroom, still trying to decide if the baggy grey sweater he’s wearing is okay for dinner, when he hears the front door open. 

“Honey, I’m home!” Joe calls, and Ben rolls his eyes, smiling as he walks out of the room. “Ooh, and just in time by the looks of it. Mm, that smells good!”

“Hi,” Ben says, giving Rami and Gwil a quick wave before crossing his arms as he leans against the wall.

“Where should I put this?” Rami asks, holding up the box in his hands.

“Oh, just,” Ben hurries over, taking it from Rami. “Thanks.” He glances over at Gwil, trying to determine if he seems tired or annoyed, but decides that he seems fine for now.

“Thank you for inviting us over,” Rami says, walking over to Ben, watching him open the box. 

“You’re welcome,” Ben replies, smiling at the sight of banoffee pie. He turns around to look for a plate. “I hope Joe didn’t pressure you into coming.”

“We hadn’t sorted out our dinner yet,” Gwil replies, pulling out one of the stools at the counter, sitting down.

“Not much of a chef?” Ben asks, glancing over at Joe, who’s checking on the food in the oven.

“Oh, Gwil’s a brilliant chef,” Rami replies, leaning over the counter to look at the pie, practically salivating.

“Oh?” Ben asks in surprise, looking at Gwil.

Gwil shakes his head, gesturing aimlessly with his hand. “I’m sure I used to be alright, but standards today have probably changed a bit. Out of practice, anyway.”

“Well, you’re welcome over here anytime,” Joe replies. “I love cooking.”

“We don’t want to bother you,” Gwil says quickly.

Rami smiles over at Ben, and then carefully reaches his hand over to the pie, about to stick his finger in the whipped cream. Ben shrugs, smiling back, and then steps back as if to say, _go ahead_. 

“Hey!” Joe says. “None of that. I don’t want you to ruin your appetite.”

Rami sighs and withdraws his hand.

“Have you had it before?” Ben asks, and Rami shakes his head. 

“I’ve never heard of it before,” Rami says, “but I thought it looked good.”

“It is good,” Ben agrees. “Sweet.”

“Yum,” Rami says, glancing over at Gwil, who’s intently watching Joe, who’s sprinkling some more seasoning and parmesan on the asparagus.

“So, what have you done since the last time we saw you?” Ben asks, playfully glancing at his wrist, where he’s not actually wearing a watch. “You know, five minutes ago.”

Rami shrugs. “Nothing,” he replies. “Read a bit.” He looks over at Gwil again. “Napped.”

“I respect a good nap,” Joe announces, not taking his eyes off the food. 

“I’m trying to decide what I’d like to do with my time,” Rami says.

“What are you thinking?” Ben asks.

“I don’t know, really,” Rami replies. “I’ve always either been in school, or worked. I’m not used to so much free time.”

“Learn how to play an instrument,” Joe says. "The four of us can start a band."

Rami shakes his head. “I don’t think I’d be any good at that.”

“Do you want to go back to work?” Ben asks. “Or school, maybe?”

Rami bites down on his lip and looks away, before shrugging. “I don’t know, really. Eventually, yes. But maybe not yet. Maybe I’d like to travel,” he suggests carefully.

Joe and Gwil both frown, immediately looking over at Rami.

“Or not,” Rami says defensively. He sighs. “Where are _you_ from, Ben?” he asks suddenly, as if the thought just occurred to him.

“Uh, me?” Ben asks. “Dorset.”

“Lovely, which part?” Rami asks.

“I was born in Bournemouth,” Ben replies, “went back there for uni. Raised in Sherborne, though.”

“Oh, Bournemouth’s on the coast,” Rami says. “That must be nice.”

Ben nods. “Yeah, I quite liked it.”

“Do you go home often?” Rami asks.

Ben pauses for a moment, nervous to speak about family in front of Gwil and Rami, and then just shakes his head. “No, not really. Been quite busy, really.” It doesn’t usually bother him, it’s not a big deal that he’s not that close with his family, but he feels uncomfortable admitting it in front of two people who wish their families were only a few hours away. “Besides, that idiot over there’s enough family for me.”

Rami chuckles softly.

“Hey, this idiot over here is making you dinner,” Joe says. “And it’s almost done, so hold your applause.”

“Oh, sorry,” Ben says suddenly, “can I get you anything to drink?” he asks.

“I’ll have a cider, if you’ve any left over,” Gwil says, and Ben nods.

“Rami?”

“Anything is fine,” Rami says. “Just water.”

Ben moves to the refrigerator, getting out the drinks. He hands Gwil the cider, and then goes to the cupboard, grabbing a glass for Rami. “I’ll set the table,” he says softly, mostly to himself. He misses Rami looking over at Gwil, gesturing towards him.

“Let me help,” Gwil says, standing up.

“Oh, that’s alright,” Ben says. “Uh, you can, you’re our guests. You can just sit.” Ben turns back and gathers the cutlery, walking over to the small dining table. 

Rami and Gwil move from the counter to the table with their drinks as Joe plates the food, carrying two plates over. He sets them in front of Gwil and Rami, and then goes back for his and Ben’s.

“This all looks delicious,” Gwil says, looking up at Joe.

“I hope so,” Joe says, walking back to the fridge to get a drink. “I couldn’t stand the idea of you guys going hungry.”

“I think we’d’ve made out alright,” Gwil replies, “but thank you anyway.”

Ben pours himself a glass of water and then sits down, looking up at Joe walking over to him. “You’ve aced it again,” he says, looking at their dinner.

“I try,” Joe says, taking a seat. “I’ve got enough free time now, I can cook whatever I want.”

Ben smiles and picks up his fork and knife, starting to dig in. They eat in relative silence for a minute or two, until Ben’s conversation with Rami pops into his mind, with Rami not knowing how to fill his time. Then he remembers talking to Joe earlier about Gwil, and he decides to go for it.

“Uh, Gwil,” Ben says, clearing his throat quickly to try to hide his nerves. “Uh, when Rami was saying he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do…”

Gwil looks over at him, silently watching him as he continues to chew his food.

“Uh, is there anything you’d like to do?” Ben asks, looking across the table to him. “I mean…uh.”

“Uh, yes, actually,” Gwil says, and Ben straightens up to listen. “Would it be alright if we went back to a couple of the shops we saw today?” he asks.

“Sure,” Ben nods eagerly. “Anything.” He was expecting something a bit more substantial, but he can work with that. It’s something, at least.

“There was a bookshop I want to go to,” Rami says, cutting through his chicken. 

“Just one?” Joe asks, and Rami chuckles softly.

“And I was hoping,” Gwil says softly, as if embarrassed by the suggestion, “well, as you noticed, I don’t have a lot of things,” he says. “Art, or anything like that. You know, to decorate.”

“Oh!” Joe exclaims. “That reminds me. One sec!”

Rami and Gwil both frown as Joe pushes himself back from the table, running into his bedroom.

“Of course,” Ben says, ignoring Joe. “I think there are a couple places like that around here.”

“And…” Gwil says, casting his eyes down to Rami’s wrist. “Can I have one of those?” he asks.

Ben looks at Rami’s watch. “Oh, sure! Yeah, of course.”

“And a phone,” Rami reminds him softly, glancing up at Gwil.

“Right, and a phone,” Gwil replies, and Ben smiles.

“We can do that too,” Ben promises. “Whenever you want.”

Gwil shrugs, looking over at Rami. “Tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Ben agrees eagerly.

“What’s tomorrow?” Joe asks, walking back into the kitchen, his arms behind his back.

“Shopping trip,” Ben replies. “Gwil needs you to get him some tech.”

“Ooh, love that,” Joe says. He awkwardly sits down, still trying to hide what’s behind him as he shifts it to his lap, keeping it under the table. “So, I know it’s not much,” he begins, glancing over at Ben, “and I also don’t know how you’re going to feel about it, so don’t feel bad if you hate it, but…”

Ben smiles. “We just thought you might need something on your walls.”

Rami leans forward eagerly, trying to see what Joe is hiding, and Ben notices that even Gwil looks slightly interested.

“You told me that you took photos on Luyten,” Joe says to Rami. “And the IIS has all the film, so we…” He lifts the items up, handing one to Gwil, and one to Rami. 

“Got them printed,” Ben finishes. He shifts uncomfortably, hoping that neither of them are bothered or offended by it.

Rami and Gwil look down at the large mounted photos in surprise. Both of them are silent as they study them, and Joe glances over at Ben, a worried look on his face. Ben tries to give him a reassuring look, even though he feels nervous himself. He clenches his hands into fists on the table to keep himself from nervously drumming his fingers.

“Gwil, look,” Rami says, tilting his photo towards him so that he can see.

Gwil turns, leaning in to study the image in Rami’s hands, pushing his glasses up his nose. He smiles faintly and then glances over at Joe and Ben. “They’re lovely,” he says finally.

“Yeah?” Joe asks, shifting in his seat.

“They’re beautiful,” Rami says quietly, looking up at them. “Really, thank you.”

“Yes, thank you,” Gwil says, nodding.

“They’re alright?” Joe asks, still unsure.

“They like them, Joe,” Ben says softly, reaching out to pat his leg a couple times.

Joe looks over at Ben, smiling. “Okay fine, you were right, it was a good idea.”

“It was your idea?” Gwil repeats, looking over at Ben.

Ben shrugs. “Uh, sort of, I guess. Joe mentioned Rami taking photos, and I knew we must’ve still had the film somewhere. The IIS developed all of them, those were just the ones I— we liked the best. I can get you more, if you’d like. All of them.”

“Would you?” Gwil asks. “I’d like to see them all.”

“Yeah, of course,” Ben replies, giving him a smile. Gwil hesitates for a moment, then smiles back, Ben feels himself relax a bit into his chair, happy.

\+ + + + +

“That’s the bookshop,” Rami says excitedly, quickly glancing both ways as he hurries across the street. “Gwil!” he calls behind him, pulling open the door.

Gwil doesn’t pick up his pace though, just keeps walking a couple steps behind Joe and Ben, who are softly speaking to each other. They cross the street together, and walk into the shop. Gwil silently leaves their side and walks to find Rami, who’s in the history section.

“I need something new to read,” Joe murmurs to himself, looking around for the fiction section. 

“We could be in here for hours, mate,” Ben says, glancing over the aisles to where he can see Rami and Gwil together, Rami pointing out every book he wants to read, which seems like it’s every book.

“Hmm, what else were we doing today?” Joe asks.

Ben sighs and drums his fingers along the shelves, tilting his head to the side as he studies the names of the books. He follows slowly behind Joe, who doesn’t really seem to know what he’s looking for, just that he’s looking for something ‘good,’ as he puts it. They continue together for minutes on end, until one shelf ends, and Joe continues straight, but Ben turns right into the next aisle. He doesn’t look up as he goes, and bumps into Gwil, who’s standing there with a book in his hands. 

“Oh, sorry mate,” Ben says, straightening up.

“It’s alright,” Gwil assures him, giving him a bit of an amused smile.

“What’ve you got there?” Ben asks, trying to look at the cover. Gwil tilts it towards him so that Ben can clearly see it. Ben looks up, and realizes they’re standing in the science fiction section, and Gwil is holding a book Ben’s never heard of, but it’s by Arthur C. Clarke, Rami and Gwil’s old friend.

“It says,” Gwil begins, turning the book to the back cover, “ _‘Arthur C. Clarke has long been considered the greatest science fiction writer of all time and was an international treasure in many other ways, including the fact that an article by him in 1945 led to the invention of satellite technology. Books by Clarke—both fiction and nonfiction—have sold more than one hundred million copies worldwide. He died in 2008.’_ ” Gwil looks up at Ben. “He died at 90.”

Ben watches Gwil, unsure of what to say.

“He was twelve years younger than me,” Gwil continues. “And he died at 90.” He sighs and flips the book back to the cover. “Ego probably would’ve loved this whole thing, really. He would’ve written a proper story about it all. Time travellers and space.”

“Ego?” Ben asks.

“Arthur,” Gwil replies. “We called him Ego.”

Ben makes a quiet noise of amusement. “Do you write?” he asks.

“Write what?” Gwil asks, sliding the book back on the shelf.

“Anything,” Ben replies. “ _You_ could write your story. An autobiography, or— or fiction. People would love to read it, I’m sure. Or you could just write it for yourself. Get it all out on paper; it might help.”

Gwil sighs, and takes a couple steps. As Ben follows him, he reaches out, grabbing the Clarke book off the shelf. “I don’t think so,” he says, glancing back at Ben, seeing the book in his hands. “I don’t want that,” he says.

Ben shrugs. “Who said it’s for you?” he asks.

Gwil looks at Ben for a moment longer and then half rolls his eyes. “Rami wants to buy up the whole shop,” he says, taking another step. “I told him there’s no way he can read it all anyway, but he doesn’t care.”

“You must like to read something,” Ben says. “You were a professor. Should we find the science section?”

“I’d rather not,” Gwil says, moving into another aisle.

“I suppose you’d rather not have me following you around bothering you, then,” Ben says, and he smiles at the guilty look on Gwil’s face. “Don’t worry, I’m not offended.”

“I’m sorry,” Gwil says sheepishly. “It’s not that, I just— I’m trying hard not to face it, and you three won’t let me.”

“That’s why we’re here,” Ben says. “To help you face it. I promise, nothing bad’s going to happen to you in a bookshop.”

“Hmm,” Gwil murmurs, as if he doesn’t really believe it.

“Besides, you have so much time now,” Ben says, “you must want to read something.”

“I’m reading _Rebecca_ ,” Gwil replies, looking over at Ben.

Ben smiles. “Yeah? Well, I’m pretty sure that’s not the only thing she wrote, so let’s see.” Ben walks back into the fiction section, where Joe is still meandering, and runs his fingers along the spines until he finds the right spot. “See?” Ben asks, sliding _The Birds and Other Stories_ off the bookshelf, handing it to Gwil. “You’ll like that.”

“Have you read it?” Gwil asks, examining the back cover.

Ben shrugs. “No, but Joe’s made me watch the movie.”

Gwil chuckles softly. “I’m starting to think that’s all Joe does around here. What was his job again?”

Ben laughs sharply at that. “Mate, you are not wrong. He’s a bloody awful assistant, I can tell you that. He was working with the rovers.”

Gwil frowns. “What are those?” he asks.

Ben looks up. “Erm, rovers are…sort of like a little car that— well, no, not a _car_ , they’re a little…robot, that travels across the surface of a planet and sends back information to us. Didn’t you have them?” he asks.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, I definitely don’t remember us taking any little robot cars with us,” he says, and Ben smiles. 

“Alright then, sorry,” Ben says. “Maybe I don’t know enough about the Mercury as I should.” He turns his head again, looking at the books.

“Why do you work for the IIS?” Gwil asks.

Ben lifts his head up, looking back at Gwil. “Alright mate, I didn’t think I was _that_ bad at my job.”

Gwil chuckles softly. “No, I just meant— you studied law, right? Why aren’t you in a courtroom?” Ben makes a face, and Gwil laughs again. “No, no, sorry, I shouldn’t pry,” Gwil says.

Ben shakes his head. “No, it’s alright,” he assures him. “It’s a fair question. And I’ve bothered you enough, I think you deserve it. I just…didn’t want to.” He rolls his eyes at himself, feeling ridiculous. “I like the law, but I’m just more suited to being in an office than in court.”

“Why’s that?” Gwil asks. “Don’t like people?”

Ben shrugs. “I…do,” he says, hesitating enough that it sounds like he really doesn’t, “but I just really like writing. And researching things. I like the theory more than the practice part. I really liked the administrative bit, the public policy. I wasn’t really looking to work the IIS, but everybody has to do a placement year, and…they were hiring and it sounded more interesting than anything else.” Ben shrugs again. “And they wanted to hire me after I graduated so, why not, right?”

“Do you actually like it?” Gwil asks. “Working for the IIS?”

“Do I like my job?” Ben asks. “Erm, yeah, I suppose.”

Gwil chuckles. “You don’t sound too enthusiastic about it.”

“Well, I don’t know,” Ben replies. “It’s a job. I— my supervisor is a bit of a prick, but he works in Germany, so I never really see him. And I get to work with Joe, which is brilliant. Honestly…” Ben trails off, looking up at Gwil uncomfortably.

“Yeah?” Gwil asks.

“Never mind,” Ben says, walking a few steps away.

Gwil glances around the shop to see where Joe and Rami are, and then walks over to Ben, looking down at him. “I’m sorry for prying,” he says again.

“No, it’s not that,” Ben says. “I just— I’d like us to be mates, and if I finished that sentence, I don’t think you'd like me too much.”

Gwil frowns. “It can’t be as bad as all that,” he assures him.

Ben sighs, leaning back lightly against one of the walls. “I do enjoy my job, but it never felt important. Until you lot showed up on the radio.” He looks away, uncomfortably crossing his arms in front of him. “Then I thought I could help someone. A real person.” He glances up at Gwil for just a moment before looking away again. “Sort of sound like a selfish prick, yeah?”

“For wanting to help people?” Gwil asks. “No, I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“For feeling ha— not _happy_ ,” Ben quickly corrects, “just for…I don’t know.” He clears his throat and shakes his head, pushing himself up, walking away from Gwil, leaving him in the aisle. 

Gwil watches after him, standing there, until he feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks down, seeing Rami smile up at him, carrying a large stack of books. “Rami, no,” he says immediately.

“Oh, bugger off,” Rami says. “I’m going to read them all, so why not?” Gwil sighs. “What were you talking about?” Rami asks, looking over at Ben, who’s up at the front till, paying for his book. “It looked serious.”

“No, it’s just—” Gwil sighs. “What all’ve you got?” he asks.

“Oh, loads,” Rami says, and he looks down at the book in Gwil’s hand. “What about you?” he asks. “You found something.”

Gwil lifts his hand, as if just remembering the book Ben had picked out for him. “Yeah, Ben thought I’d like it,” he says.

Rami smiles. “That’s nice.”

“Yeah,” Gwil agrees. They walk up to the front together, and pay for their books while Ben slips out the front.

“Where’s Ben?” Joe asks, coming up to the till, looking around.

“He’s outside,” Gwil replies, glancing over to the door.

“Oh, okay,” Joe says, but he frowns a bit as he does. “Damn, Rami, buying the whole store?” he asks.

Rami laughs and shrugs. “I just might, eventually.”

"You know, you can buy electronic books," Joe says to him. "That way you just need one thing to read them on, instead of carrying hundreds of books around with you."

Rami looks down at his purchase and then shrugs. "I like real books, though. I like the touch. And the smell."

“Alright, fair enough," Joe says. "Where to next?” he asks, looking around.

\+ + + + +

They walk into the home furnishing shop together, all of them carrying their bags from the bookshop, and Rami and Gwil immediately stop just a couple feet in, looking around in awe.

“This is massive,” Rami says. “Do people really need all these sorts of things?” he asks.

“Uh, _need_?” Joe repeats. “Definitely not. What’s the last thing I bought from this place when we were in London, Ben?” he asks.

“A candy floss machine,” Ben replies.

“A cotton candy machine,” Joe says, looking over at Rami and Gwil. “So no, need? No. But that’s not the point. This is the place of wants, gentlemen.”

“Try to not make it sound so weird, Joe,” Ben murmurs.

“Anyway!” Joe says. “Let’s get to it. Lots to look at.”

“What sorts of things do people put in their flat?” Gwil asks softly, glancing around at the other three.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know, you just need to warm the place up a bit. Pillows, and blankets, and art, you know. A cotton candy machine or two.”

“What sorts of things did you have in your old flat?” Ben asks.

Gwil shakes his head a bit. “I— uh,” he glances over at Rami, who gives him an encouraging nod. “I wasn’t the one who decorated it,” he finishes, clearing his throat. 

“Oh,” Ben says, looking away, reaching up to scratch the back of his head. “Uh, that’s alright. Let’s just…it’s a big place, let’s see what they’ve got.” He sets off down one of the aisles, glancing back and forth at the items as he goes.

“Come on,” Rami says softly, and he and Gwil start walking off together.

“Well, that was awkward,” Joe says quietly, coming up behind Ben.

Ben glances back at Rami and Gwil, making sure they’re far enough away that they won’t hear them, and sighs. “I feel so bad for him.”

“Yeah, I think we all do,” Joe says. “I mean, Rami’s just going to end up picking out things he wants.”

“Well, I hope Gwil finds something _he_ likes,” Ben replies. “I want him to feel at home.” He looks at Joe. “What do you think he likes?”

“I have no idea,” Joe admits. “I gotta be honest, I feel like I know nothing about the guy. What’d you get out of him in the bookstore?” 

Ben shakes his head. “Nothing, he just wanted to talk about me. All I know is that Arthur C. Clarke’s nickname was Ego.”

“Ego?” Joe asks. “Ha, I love that.”

Ben smiles and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, somehow I knew you would.”

“Well, what’d he get out of you?” Joe asks.

“He wanted to know if I like my job,” Ben replies. “And then I tried to explain what a rover is to him. He didn’t seem too impressed.”

“Oh, I can tell him all about the rovers if he wants,” Joe says.

“I think he’s fine,” Ben replies. He sighs and keeps walking around, slowly taking in the displays, Joe trailing behind him, getting distracted as they go. He doesn’t want anything, and even though he sees things that he thinks Gwil might like, he doesn’t point them out to him. Ben and Joe wind their way through the aisles, until they find Gwil and Rami, looking at a display of what Ben could only describe as… He tilts his head, looking at the sculpture that Rami seems to be examining closely. Actually, he’s not sure how to describe it, besides it looking like something that his mum would want on her coffee table.

“Do you like it?” Rami asks.

Gwil crosses his arms and looks over at Ben and Joe, who are watching on in amusement. “Uh, not particularly, no,” he replies, looking down at his feet, trying not to laugh.

“What about this?” Rami asks, moving over to look at a sculpture of a glass rooster.

Gwil snorts and shakes his head, smiling. “Uh, no.”

“Hmm,” Rami says, moving along.

Gwil looks over at Ben and Joe, eyes wide, pleading with them.

“Uh, let me look at that,” Joe says quickly, being pushed forward by Ben. “Rami, why don’t we go to the…uh, I want to show you something.”

“Oh, alright,” Rami says, glancing over at Ben and Gwil as he starts to follow behind Joe.

Ben and Gwil look at each other, and then both start to laugh.

“Rami has interesting taste,” Ben says, taking a closer look at the rooster.

Gwil snorts. “No, he doesn’t. Trust me, he doesn’t like that any more than I do, he just thinks he’s being helpful. He’s asked me if I like almost everything we’ve seen so far.”

“And?” Ben asks.

Gwil shrugs. “I’m not really…” he gestures around his hand. “I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, honestly.”

“Can I help?” Ben asks.

“Are you going to suggest that we buy a sculpture of three farm animals stacked on top of each other?” Gwil asks. Ben shakes his head. “Then maybe, yes.”

Ben chuckles. “Alright, come on, I haven’t looked over here yet.” Ben leads Gwil across the shop, to a large wall display of clocks, and beside it, a smaller display of alarm clocks. “Everybody needs one,” he says, gesturing to the displays. He steps forward and starts studying a grey bluetooth alarm clock that looks like it’s made of some sort of fabric.

Gwil looks around, then steps forward, picking one of the clocks up from the display.

Ben glances back at him. “That one?” he asks. “It’s a bit retro isn’t— oh, right.” Gwil chuckles softly. “Looks nice,” he corrects himself awkwardly.

“Looks like the one I used to have,” Gwil says. “Not too bad, yeah?”

“Sounds perfect to me,” Ben says, looking at the clock again, then grabbing the appropriate box from underneath the display. Gwil puts the clock down, then takes the box from Ben. “See? Easy.” He starts leading Gwil over to another section of the shop, glancing back when he realizes that Gwil isn’t behind him anymore. “Gwil?” he asks, turning back. He looks at the display on the wall, a collection of wall art. Mostly abstract, some florals, some maps. He steps up to Gwil, trying to get a look at the particular piece he’s looking at. “Oh,” he says softly.

“What is this?” Gwil asks, turning to Ben, gesturing to the picture. 

It’s a print of an old painting, Ben recognizes it from his grandmum’s house. It’s twenty men and women, a blue, starry night behind them, a launchpad in the distance. They’re all looking up, some of them in space helmets, some of them just with headsets on, or hats. He knows they’re just supposed to be representations of the crew, not exact matches, but damn if the tall one in back doesn’t at least look a little bit like Gwil.

“They’re um,” Ben says, gesturing towards the picture, “they’re um, astronauts,” he says, shrugging.

Gwil frowns. “They’re us,” he says.

Ben shakes his head. “Uh, no, they’re— it’s just art.” He sighs. “Alright, yeah, they’re you.”

“What is this?” Gwil asks again.

“It’s just…kitschy art,” Ben says. “People love this sort of thing.”

“They like buying art of us?” Gwil asks.

Ben bites down on his lip. “They…I don’t know, Gwil. It’s not an IIS thing, trust me, we’re not making money off this. The painter, he’s just like, everybody’s grandmother has one of his paintings on their wall. This is part of his, inspirational hero phase, I guess.” He sighs.

“They thought we died,” Gwil said.

Ben nods. “Right, so…inspirational. You gave your lives to help save Britain. This is you all, looking to the future that you helped inspire but would never see.” He swallows hard, starting to feel a bit shaky with nerves. “It’s different now, knowing…”

Gwil just shakes his head. “I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry,” Ben says. “Uh, I’ll see what I can do?” he offers nervously. “Maybe we can make them stop selling them. Or— I don’t know. They’ll probably all worth a million pounds now that you’re back.”

Gwil reaches up, running his fingers over the portrait, over the figure that he thinks is supposed to be him, and the one that he guesses sort of looks like Rami. Then East. He clears his throat. “No, it’s fine,” he says finally. “Let’s just go before Rami sees it and decides he wants one for the loo.”

Ben snorts a laugh and then waits for Gwil to step away before he starts to walk alongside him. 

“Ben, what you said earlier,” Gwil says suddenly, turning towards him. “In the bookshop.”

“Oh?” Ben asks, trying to sound casual.

“It doesn’t make you selfish,” Gwil assures him. “I’m— I understand that you don’t mean you’re happy about what happened to us. But I’m glad that there’s someone here who wants to help. And if helping us helps you, then that’s alright, yeah?”

“Are you sure?” Ben asks.

Gwil nods. “Yeah. I’m not offended, don’t worry.”

Ben gives Gwil a quick smile and then keeps walking. “Uh, I thought maybe if you wanted to keep buying books, you should get some bookends,” he says, glancing back at him. “My father says adults have bookends.”

Gwil smiles. “I think I’m already an adult,” he says.

“Oh, well, that must be nice,” Ben jokes. He sighs and walks over to the display. There’s a set of music notes, lots of sets of geodes, a few that he can’t tell what they’re supposed to be. There are lions, elephants, Rodin’s _The Thinker_. He glances over at Gwil. “Thoughts?” he asks.

Gwil shrugs. “I sort of like this one,” he says, gesturing to a set of bookends made up of a vintage bicycle, one tire on each end.

“Hmm,” Ben smiles, nodding. “I’m sensing a theme. I get it, I like it. Do you like bicycling?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “Yeah, I do. That’s how I’d get to the uni when we lived in Cardiff.”

“Oh, nice,” Ben nods. “We can get you one now, if you’d like. Good way to see Perth, especially since I’m not _entirely_ sure that your old driving license is still good.”

“Do you even need those now?” Gwil asks. “I don’t seem to recall you doing any actual driving on the way to Perth.”

“Oh, ouch,” Ben says, playfully clutching at his chest. “ _Yes_ , you do. And as smart as I know you are, I’m not sure I trust you behind the wheel of a car. Especially not with those glasses.”

Gwil frowns, lifting his hand to his face. “What’s wrong with these?” he asks.

“Um,” Ben frowns. “Well, uh, I’m just saying, I think they’ve probably advanced in the last century or so? Not entirely sure, but just a guess. Plus you can get contacts now.”

Gwil shakes his head quickly. “No, thank you. Horrible, bloody uncomfortable things, I’ve heard. Glass in my eye? I don’t think so.”

Ben winces. “Oh okay, yeah, no, definitely technology’s come pretty far since then. Don’t worry. But also, if you want to wear glasses, that’s fine. Just…maybe we’ll take you to an eye doctor at some point. Especially if you want to drive.”

“I don’t really have anywhere to go,” Gwil says, shrugging.

“No, not right now,” Ben says. “But someday. Anyway. You want to grab that?” he asks, gesturing to the bookends. 

“Sure,” Gwil says, grabbing the box.

“Anything else you want?” Ben asks. “Candy floss machine?” Gwil shakes his head, smiling. Ben frowns for a second. “Uh, do you know what that is?” he asks.

“What, candy floss?” Gwil asks. Ben nods. “I do, yeah. We had that.”

“Oh, brilliant,” Ben says. “I’m sorry that I don’t know more. I— well, obviously, I don’t really know anybody who was alive back then that I can ask about this stuff.”

“It’s alright,” Gwil replies. “It’s not a common situation that we’ve found ourselves in,” he says. He sighs, looking around the shop for Joe and Rami, then points them out to Ben, heading over to the pair. “Find anything…nice?” he asks hesitantly, looking to Joe.

“I like this,” Rami says, turning to Gwil, handing him a piece of wall art that reads ‘ _to the moon and back_ ’ on different coloured planks of wood.

Gwil smiles in amusement and then tilts it to Ben, so that he can see it. Ben smiles, nodding slowly. “Yeah, lovely,” he says, handing it back to Rami. “We went a bit further than the moon, though.”

“Oh alright,” Rami says, rolling his eyes, “it’s still nice.”

“It is,” Gwil agrees. He sighs, looking around.

“Did you get anything?” Rami asks Gwil, looking at the two boxes in his hands.

Gwil nods, lifting them up a bit. “Don’t worry about me, I’m not going home empty-handed.”

“Good,” Rami says, smiling brightly up at him. “Now come on, I’ve something to show you over here.”

Gwil looks back at Ben and then starts to follow after Rami, shaking his head a bit as he goes. At first he thinks they’re heading back towards the display of clocks, but Rami swerves a bit and leads Gwil to a display of— Gwil frowns a bit.

“Isn’t it lovely?” Rami asks, looking back at Gwil. “It looks so much like the one you bought Roger for his birthday, doesn’t it?”

Gwil nods, looking at the gramophone. He leans in, looking at the speakers and the display. It’s clear that it’s been updated, but Rami’s right, it does look quite similar. 

“Oh, a record player!” Ben exclaims, following behind them. “That’s fantastic.”

“A record player?” Gwil repeats.

Ben nods. “Yeah, it plays records. You had those, yeah?”

Gwil nods. “No, yes, we did. We just called it a gramophone.”

“Oh,” Ben nods, looking over at Joe, who shrugs.

“It just reminds me a lot of the one Gwil used to have,” Rami explains to Ben and Joe. “I quite like it, I think we should have it, don’t you?”

“We don’t have any records with us,” Gwil points out.

“There’s a record store here,” Joe says. “They’re cool again, don’t worry. Plus you can play other stuff on it.”

“See!” Rami says happily. “We need something to listen to music on.”

Gwil takes a deep breath and then nods. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s get it.” He steps forward again, running his fingers over the dark brown wood. “It really does look like the one I bought for Rog,” he agrees.

“What sort of music did he like?” Joe asks.

“Uh, all sorts,” Gwil replies, glancing back at Joe. “He’d gotten quite into jazz, though. Americans.”

“Nice,” Joe agrees, nodding his head. “I like that. He liked cars and jazz, a man after my own heart.”

Ben isn't sure when Joe got into jazz, but he doesn't comment on that, instead he gives Joe a warning look, and then watches Gwil for his reaction, but he doesn’t seem to be too upset by Joe’s remark.

“Oh, and Noël Coward, too,” Rami says. “Or at least he pretended well enough when Sami bought him the record.”

Ben tries not to wince, remembering the Noël Coward song that he listened to, and how much he didn’t like it.

“Oh god, and the QHCF,” Rami says, clapping Gwil on the arm. “The day of our cribbage tournament—”

Joe looks at Ben in amusement at that, and Ben smiles back.

“He put that record on _all day_ and wouldn’t turn it off,” Rami said. “He said it gave him luck.”

“Who are the QHCF?” Ben asks.

“The Quintette du Hot Club de France,” Rami says, dramatically pronouncing the name in a French accent.

Joe laughs. “Never heard of them.”

“Oh, what a shame,” Rami says. “I was so close to breaking that record over his head.”

“He didn’t really think it gave him luck,” Gwil says, looking at Rami. “He was just trying to annoy you enough so that you’d make a mistake and lose.”

“What a bastard!” Rami exclaims, clapping Gwil on the arm again.

Gwil chuckles. “Yeah, he could be, couldn’t he?” He looks at Rami, and the two of them share a laugh, just slightly sad.

“Well, let’s grab this,” Joe says, walking forward to the display, picking up the large box. “Lead the way, gentlemen. I don’t think I can find the way out.”

“Are _all_ shops this big?” Rami asks, walking alongside Joe.

Ben watches Gwil for a few moments, waiting for him to turn away from the record player. He gives him a quick smile, and gestures after Rami and Joe, waiting for him to take the lead.

\+ + + + +

“Come on, Gwil,” Joe says, grabbing onto Gwil’s arm, dragging him away as soon as they walk into the electronics shop they go to next. “Let’s get you kitted out. You’re gonna like it here, I promise.”

Gwil glances back at Rami and Ben helplessly as Joe leads him away from the two of them. Ben just gives him a playful wave.

“There’s,” Rami takes a deep breath, looking around at all the screens staring down at them. “A lot,” he says. He walks over to one of the largest television screens, and reaches out, gently running his fingers along the edge. “Has it always been like this?” he asks.

Ben nods. “As long as I can remember, yeah.” Though he knows that’s not saying much, given that he’s the youngest of the four.

“How do people know what to buy?” Rami asks, glancing back at Ben as he crosses over to another television screen that looks nearly the same but is selling for a much higher price.

Ben shrugs, slowly following after Rami. “Uh, not sure, really. It all looks the same to me. If I was going to buy something like this, I’d get Joe to help. Or just let the clerk tell me what to do.”

Rami gives him a quick smile. “I think I would too. There’s just so much. And there’s one of these in _every_ home?”

Ben nods. “Yeah. More than one, most times.”

“Really?” Rami asks, glancing over at him in surprise. “Like this?”

“Erm, well not usually _this_ big,” Ben says. “Usually one like this, and then smaller ones in different rooms.”

“I don’t think I would ever need more than one,” Rami replies. He runs his hands over the price tag and then turns back, starting to walk slowly to a different section of the shop, Ben following behind him. “What are these?” Rami asks, stopping in front of a display of white cylinders.

“These are,” Ben starts, looking down at the small sign, “whole-home mesh wifi systems.” He looks up. “Hm.”

“What does _that_ mean?” Rami asks.

“It means better Internet coverage in your flat,” Ben says. “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“You must think I’m daft,” Rami says, dragging his fingers along the display as he moves along.

Ben shakes his head quickly. “No, not at all,” he says. “I— no. I hope you don’t feel that way, Rami. I hope we don’t make you feel like that.”

“It’s just odd,” Rami says. “I…used to know so much. I knew almost everything about the Mercury. I really enjoyed engineering. But now, I look around and I don’t recognize any of these things. But to you, they’re just…normal.”

“But I’ve never been to another planet before,” Ben reminds him, trying to give him a comforting smile. “You’ve done far more than I have, or ever will. I hope you’re proud of the work you’ve done, Rami. You’re brilliant, yeah?”

Rami blushes a bit and looks down at his feet. “Thank you,” he says softly. He bites his lip and lifts his head, looking around the shop spotting Joe and Gwil still a couple departments away. “Ben?” he asks, trying to sound casual, and mostly failing.

“Yeah?” Ben asks, looking up from the wireless speaker he looking at.

“Is Joe, is he…” Rami looks around again. “I don’t know, artistic?”

“Artistic?” Ben repeats. “Uh, not bloody likely. I’ve never seen him draw or anything. Well, you know how much he likes films, does that count?”

“Uh, no,” Rami says, shaking his head. “Not really.”

Ben shrugs. “Why, did you want to get him something here? I’m not really sure what they’d have like that. We can find an art shop, though. Sure there’s loads around.”

Rami sighs heavily. “No.”

Ben frowns. “Then, what do you…” he trails off, looking at Rami, the sad look on his face. It takes him a moment, but then he thinks he gets it. “Oh! You mean… _artistic_?” he asks. “I’ve never heard anybody call it that before, sorry.”

“But do you know what I mean?” Rami asks softly.

Ben nods. “I think so, yeah. You mean gay, right?”

Rami swallows hard, looking away uncomfortably. “Ri— right,” he agrees. “I think. Gay meant something else, though. They called it ‘homosexual.’”

“Oh, we don’t really use that word anymore,” Ben says. “But, you mean, does Joe fancy blokes?” he asks, taking a step towards Rami so he can speak a bit softer.

Rami nods, looking down at his feet. “I’m sorry for asking.”

Ben shrugs. “No, don’t be. Uh, he— he does.” 

“He does?” Rami repeats, looking up.

Ben nods. “Yeah, far as I know. Always has, anyway.”

“Really?” Rami asks in surprise.

Ben nods. “And girls, but yeah, blokes too.”

“Oh,” Rami says, nodding slowly. He starts to walk away from Ben. “Um,” Rami swallows hard and looks down again. “Are you…” He trails off and stops walking, pretending to be distracted by another display.

“Am I…” Ben asks. “Gay?”

Rami makes a quiet noise, starting to drum his fingers on the table in front of them. “What I mean to say is, are you and Joe…” His eyes flick up to Ben and he tilts his head a bit, then looks away again.

Ben immediately starts to grin so hard his cheeks hurt, and he just shakes his head, trying not to laugh. “No, we’re not.” Though, it’s certainly not the first time that someone’s asked him that.

“Oh?” Rami asks, again trying to sound like he’s only casually interested. “I didn’t think so, Joe said he wasn’t seeing anyone, but I was just…you seem so close.”

“He’s just my best mate,” Ben replies. “I don’t really see him that way, to be honest. He’s great, though, don’t get me wrong, I just…just mates, is all.”

“Oh, okay,” Rami says, nodding his head. He walks over to another table, pretending to be interested in this display as well.

Ben moves alongside Rami, trying to catch his eye. “Rami,” he says quietly.

“Hmm?” Rami asks, looking up.

“It’s okay,” Ben says. “If you are. Or if you aren’t. The world’s a lot different now, I promise.”

Rami bites down on his lip, and he makes a quiet noise as he shrugs. “I’m…” He glances around. “If I were…” He swallows hard. “Nobody knows,” he says.

“No?” Ben asks, and Rami shakes his head. “Wait, not even Gwil?”

Rami shakes his head. “I never said anything.”

“Oh,” Ben says. “Rami, I’m sorry. I mean, I’m glad you can talk to me about it, but I’m sorry that you’ve been…hiding it, for so long.”

Rami shrugs, gesturing aimlessly with his hand. “Like you said, it was different then. It’s alright.”

“Okay,” Ben says, reaching up to gently squeeze Rami’s shoulder. “You can talk to me, you know. But I’m willing to bet you can talk to Gwil, too.”

“I know,” Rami says. “I just— didn’t tell him for so long. I don’t want him to get angry.”

Ben shakes his head. “He won’t. Trust me. I don’t know him that well yet, but I know him well enough to know that. You should tell him. When you’re ready.”

“And Joe?” Rami asks. “Should I tell him too?”

Ben shrugs. “If you want,” he says. “He won’t mind either. Trust me, I know.” He gives Rami a quick wink and squeezes him on the shoulder.

“Oh,” Rami says, nodding. “Oh, alright.” He looks up again, and then steps back from Ben when he sees Joe and Gwil walking towards them.

“Gwil is finally in the 21st century,” Joe announces, gesturing towards him. “He’s got a _phone_ , he’s got a _watch_ , he’s got earpods, he is so damn cool I can’t even stand it.”

Ben rolls his eyes and groans. “Did you two have fun?” he asks, looking over at Gwil.

Gwil shrugs, looking down at his watch. “It’s alright, yeah. If I put it up to my mouth I can ask it things.”

Ben smiles and nods. “Yeah, that’s one of putting it.” He chuckles softly.

“And what are you two doing?” Joe asks, looking at Ben and Rami.

“Just looking,” Rami says quickly. “At…this.” He glances at the display, honestly not even sure what it is.

“Cool!” Joe says enthusiastically; clearly he knows what Rami’s looking at. “Well, is there anything else we need? Because I am starting to starve to death.”

“No, I’m fine,” Ben says.

Rami nods in agreement, and Gwil just smiles, and Joe eagerly leads them to the door. Ben glances over at Rami, who gives him a slightly relieved smile.

\+ + + + +

Gwil looks over at Rami as he finishes hanging up one of the photographs Ben and Joe gave them the day before. He steps back, smiling faintly. “What do you think?” he asks.

Rami looks over from the cupboard, where he’s putting away their groceries, the last stop on their shopping trip. “I like it,” he replies, smiling back. 

“It was nice of them,” Gwil remarks, and Rami nods. 

“Yes, very kind,” Rami agrees, going back to the cupboard. He finishes putting the food away, and then folds the reusable bag, sticking it in the cupboard under the sink. He walks over to Gwil, playfully bumping his shoulder against him.

“Do you miss it?” Gwil asks, glancing down at Rami.

“Luyten?” Rami asks. Gwil nods. Rami sighs. “Sort of,” he replies. “It really was lovely there, wasn’t it?” Gwil nods again. “But there wasn’t anything there for us,” he says, and he reaches up, squeezing Gwil’s arm. “It wasn’t home. We were just visiting.” He walks by him, out of the kitchen and into the living room, sitting down as he grabs the television remote.

Gwil frowns, studying the photo for a moment longer, then he follows Rami out into the living room. He goes to the window, looking outside. The sun is just starting to set, and he thinks it looks beautiful.

“Are you alright?” Rami asks, looking over at Gwil.

“Hmm?” Gwil asks, turning around. “Yes, I’m fine,” he says. “Just thinking about today.”

“Oh?” Rami asks. “Was it alright?”

Gwil nods, and he walks over to Rami, sitting down next to him on the sofa. “Yeah, I had a nice time.”

Rami’s face breaks into a grin. “Really?” he asks. “Oh, I’m so relieved. I was hoping you would, once you gave them a chance. And it was good! Things aren’t _so_ different? It’s home. We’ll be alright here.” 

“I think so,” Gwil agrees softly. For Rami’s sake.

“Do you like Ben?” Rami asks. “I mean, do you think you’ll be alright with spending time with him?”

Gwil thinks for a moment, and then nods. “I do, yeah. I think. He’s nice.” He smiles at Rami, seeing how happy that makes him, and it makes happiness bloom in his chest as well. “I quite like Joe, as well,” he says carefully.

Rami blinks in surprise and looks away, then looks over at him again. “Really?” he asks.

Gwil nods quickly. “Yeah, I do,” he says, and he reaches out, gently squeezing Rami’s leg. “I’ll have to figure out a way to thank him sometime, for being so kind to you when I wasn’t. You would’ve been alone if it weren’t for him.”

“I would’ve been alright,” Rami says softly, but Gwil can tell by the sad look on his face that that’s not true. 

“Well, I’m still happy that you’ve found such a good friend,” Gwil says, deciding not to challenge Rami’s lie, and he gives Rami a smile. “It was wrong of me to be jealous. I thought that—”

Rami shakes his head. “You don’t have to be, Gwil, I— Joe’s just a friend.” Gwil can see that Rami’s eyes dart away as he says that, though. “You’re more than that, you know that.”

Gwil nods. “Well, be that as it may, I think he quite likes you, as well.”

“Oh,” Rami says, shaking his head. “I don’t know about that. He’s— he’s kind. And he’s been very helpful. But it’s still just his job.”

“That’s not true,” Gwil says softly. “He gave you a photo of his hometown, Rami. And you hung it in your bedroom,” he says, glancing in the general area of Rami’s room.

Rami just looks down at his lap, and takes a deep breath. “I think I…” He glances up over Gwil, and then his fingers nervously curl into his thighs. He lets out a chuckle, and then shakes his head. “I don’t know,” he says finally, swallowing hard. “I don’t know.”

Gwil nods, and gently takes Rami’s hand in his, giving him a smile as he squeezes his fingers. “It’s alright,” he assures him.

Rami sighs, and nods. “Alright,” he agrees. Maybe it will be, he thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • awhile ago I read an article that said 'artistic' used to be a euphemism for gay, so I figured that might a term Rami was more comfortable with.  
> • I know Rami and Ben haven't spent much time together yet, but since he's too nervous to come out to Gwil or Joe yet, I figured he'd see Ben as a safe person to talk to.  
> • the next couple chapters will be divided up, sort of: first we'll see Ben and Gwil hanging out together over a period of time, and then Rami and Joe hanging out over that same period of time.


	13. Chapter 13

Ben can hear his phone start to ring, and he pushes himself up out of his chair, walking into his bedroom where he’s got it plugged into the wall. “Hello?” he asks, pushing the door closed a bit so he can speak privately.

Joe briefly looks up as Ben walks away, but he looks back down as Rami places his tiles. “Ooh, nice,” he says, lifting up one of the tiles to check the scoring under it, and then he quickly does the math, writing it on the scoresheet. He looks at his own tiles again, and is about to start laying them down when Ben walks back out of his room, off the phone. “What’s up?” he asks, not looking up.

Ben groans and drops down back in his chair. “Nothing,” he says, reaching up to scratch at the back of his head. He sighs.

“Yeah?” Joe asks, finally looking over at him once he’s placed his tiles. “Doesn’t sound like nothing.”

Ben shrugs and looks over at Gwil and Rami, who are both watching him expectantly. “Uh, it’s nothing,” he says again. “Just gotta go up to London for a couple days, is all.”

“Ughhh, boo,” Joe says. “Boo work.”

“For what?” Rami asks.

“They’ve called a big committee meeting,” Ben says. “My supervisor’s flying in from Germany, so I’ve got to be there, in person.”

“When?” Gwil asks.

“Thursday and Friday,” Ben replies, “so I’ll probably just head out on Wednesday night, yeah?”

Rami and Gwil both frown. “Won’t you be tired?” Rami asks. “You’ll get in so late, it’s a long trip.”

“Hmm?” Ben says. “Oh, no. Not anymore. Only takes a couple hours now.”

“On the roads?” Gwil asks in surprise.

“No, the train, mate,” Ben replies.

“High-speed,” Joe says, “very cool.”

“Really?” Rami asks. He nods slowly. “I quite like that. Is it scary?” he asks.

Ben just smiles and shakes his head. “How fast were you going in space, again?” he asks, teasing.

Gwil chuckles softly. “He’s got you there, Rami,” he says, playfully bumping his shoulder.

“Well, I was just wondering,” Rami says, rolling his eyes at Gwil.

“So, what’s the big committee meeting about?” Joe asks.

Ben purses his lips and looks over at Joe, then tilts his head towards Gwil and Rami.

“Oh,” Joe says. “Right.”

“Us?” Rami asks. “Why? Did we— do you know what it’s about?” he asks.

Ben shakes his head and shrugs. “No, I don’t think so, he didn’t really say. I’m sure it’s alright, just a progress report.”

“Don’t you write those?” Gwil asks.

“It’s alright,” Ben assures them. “I promise.” He starts picking up his tiles, then glancing down at the board. They continue playing for a few minutes until Joe requests a bathroom break, and Ben steps outside onto the balcony to have a smoke.

Ben looks up when the door opens behind him, giving Gwil a quick nod. “You alright?” he asks. “Need some air?”

“Yeah,” Gwil replies, glancing behind him. He closes the door, and then leans against the railing, looking at Ben.

“Seriously, is everything okay?” Ben asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Gwil assures him. “I was just wondering, about your trip.”

Ben shrugs, waving his hand through the smoke in the air. “You guys are really worried about this, huh? Don’t be, it’s nothing.”

“No, that’s not it,” Gwil says. “The train, does it go from here straight to London?”

Ben shakes his head. “Well, there’s loads of stops, but you don’t have to change in Edinburgh anymore or anything.”

“What about the way back?” Gwil asks.

“Uh, same thing,” Ben replies, narrowing his eyes a bit at Gwil, trying to figure out what he’s getting at.

“But I mean, there are still loads of trains, yeah?” Gwil asks. “All over Britain?”

Ben nods. “If anything, there might be more, yeah. Can I ask what you’re thinking, or…do you just want me to guess?” he asks.

Gwil looks away and shifts on his feet. “I was wondering if I— if it would be alright if— could I come with you?”

“To London?” Ben asks in surprise. Gwil nods. “Well, sure, Gwil, if you want. I don’t think— you don’t mean to the meeting, do you?” he asks.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, no. I was wondering if…if when you’re in London, if you could try to find out maybe, where my family is buried?” he asks. “Or Rog? Then while you’re in your meeting, I could go see them.”

“I could go with you,” Ben says, “after the meeting, if you’d like.”

“I wouldn’t want you to think you have to,” Gwil says. “I just— since you’re going down anyway, it makes sense for me to go with you.”

Ben shakes his head. “I wouldn’t think that,” he says. “But um, yeah, if you want to go on your own, that’s fine by me, yeah. Sure, you’re more than welcome to come with. Rami too, if he’d like.”

Gwil glances back at the door, then looks over at Ben. “I think he might— want to stay.”

Ben looks at the door and then back at Gwil, giving him a quick smile. “Sure, no problem. Um, yeah. No, that’s fine. I’m sure the office has got room for you to stay, while we’re down there.”

“Alright, thanks,” Gwil says. He waits for Ben to finish his smoke before they head back into the flat together. 

They settle back in at the table, Joe walking over from the cupboards with a big bag of a candy and a bowl of chips. “All good?” Joe asks, taking his seat beside Ben.

“Yeah,” Ben nods, looking over at Gwil, wondering if Rami knows that Gwil is coming to London with him. “All good,” he agrees.

\+ + + + +

Joe drives them to the station, which is close enough to walk to but neither of them want to deal with carrying their bags. Joe parks and pops the boot, and Ben and Gwil climb out to go grab their stuff.

“Bring me back something nice,” Joe says playfully to Ben, pulling him in for a hug.

“Oh yeah, like what?” Ben asks, patting him on the back as he pulls away.

“If you go to The Hummingbird and I don’t get a _million_ salted caramel cupcakes,” Joe says, “friendship over.”

“Oh, is that all it’ll take?” Ben asks, giving Joe a cheeky smile.

“Just text and let me know what’s up,” Joe says. “And let me know if I need to go into assistant mode, I can run down if you need me, or type something up.”

Ben nods. “Yeah, alright. Try not to have too much fun without me,” he says, giving Joe a smile as he glances over to where Rami and Gwil are standing, talking quietly on the other side of the car.

Joe looks over at the two of them and then quickly clears his throat, dropping his eyes. “Don’t worry about it,” he says, and Ben laughs softly.

“Joe,” Ben says, and Joe scoffs.

“What?” he asks.

Ben just glances back again at Rami, and then shrugs. “Nothing.”

“Shut up,” Joe mutters. 

“Okay,” Ben agrees, then starts to laugh. 

“It’s not too late for you to come, if you’d like,” Gwil says to Rami, who’s bouncing up and down nervously on his feet. “I’m sure Ben can get another ticket.”

Rami sighs and just shakes his head. “No, I don’t— I don’t actually want to go,” he says, eyes quickly glancing over towards Joe and Ben, “I just— I’m nervous.”

“It’ll be alright,” Gwil assures him quietly, and he pulls Rami in for a hug. “We’ll be back in just a few days, and I’ll call you, I promise.”

Rami nods into Gwil’s chest, squeezing him tightly. “It’s just so far away,” he says softly. “What if—”

“I’ll be alright,” Gwil says, pulling back a bit to meet Rami’s eyes. “I promise. Have fun while I’m gone, yeah? Eat out and go to the cinema and I’ll be back before you know it.”

“Right,” Rami says, “but what if—”

“Rami, do you want me to stay?” Gwil asks. “I can stay. I can wait until you want to go down together; it could be just you and I, yeah? I don’t need to do this now, I just—” He shrugs. “It can wait.”

Rami shakes his head. “I know it’s important to you,” he says. “No, I don’t want you to stay. Besides, I’m not letting you get out of spending time with Ben.”

“We spend loads of time together,” Gwil says.

“Right, all of us,” Rami says. “You should get to know _him_ better.”

“He’s going to spend most of his time at work,” Gwil says.

Rami shrugs. “Alright, fine. At least be nice to him.”

Gwil nods. “I will,” he says. “I promise.”

Rami smiles and leans up, pulling Gwil in for another quick hug. “Okay, be safe.”

Gwil nods, squeezing him gently before stepping back. He reaches down, picking his duffle up off the ground, then the two of them walk over to Ben and Joe. “Joe,” he says, extending his hand to him, but Joe scoffs and rolls his eyes, pulling him in for a hug.

“Get in here, you dumb giant,” Joe says, playfully shaking Gwil in his arms.

“Have fun, yeah?” Ben says to Rami, taking an awkward step before pulling him in for a quick hug.

Rami nods. “Be safe,” he says softly, and Ben nods.

“We will,” he assures him. “Alright,” Ben says, looking over at Gwil. “You good?”

Gwil nods, and then steps back from Joe, waving at Rami.

“See you later!” Ben calls behind him as they start to walk into the station.

“Cupcakes!” Joe yells, cupping his hands around his mouth.

Ben looks up at Gwil and snorts, starting to laugh. “They’re going to be fine.”

Gwil nods. “I’m not worried.” He glances back at them again, and smiles at Rami, who smiles brightly back, waving eagerly.

Ben looks up at the departure board, and finds their train, then starts leading Gwil to the platform. He makes sure they have the right car, and then Ben walks onto the train, glancing back at Gwil, watching him duck his he enters. He smiles in amusement, then looks down at his ticket, glancing around at the seat numbers. “Here,” he says, gesturing towards the row to Gwil. He glances back, seeing the luggage rack just a couple rows behind them and then takes his bag, dropping it off. He reaches out for Gwil’s duffle, and then takes that too, setting it beside his. “Window or aisle?” he asks Gwil, leaning against the seat.

“Uh,” Gwil says, glancing at the seats, “do you have a preference?”

Ben smiles and shakes his head, “no, I’m good, Gwil, whatever you want.”

“Window,” Gwil says finally, moving past Ben to sit down, immediately looking out the window. He can’t see anything now, obviously, as they’re still in the station, but he’s ready to see as much as he can once they start moving, even though he knows they’ll be going too fast to see a lot.

Ben sits down next to Gwil, settling comfortably into his seat. When Gwil looks over at him, he gives him a smile, then folds his hands on his lap, sinking down a bit. “Excited?” he asks.

Gwil shrugs, reaching up to push a bit of hair off his forehead. “I don’t know, really,” he says. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been to London.”

Ben smiles understandingly, nodding. 

“I mean, even in terms of,” Gwil says, waving his hand aimlessly. “I didn’t go there often.”

“No?” Ben asks. “Did you have any family there, or?” He remembers looking over the family section of Gwil’s file weeks ago, but that part is escaping him.

Gwil nods. “One of my brothers lived there,” he replies. “He was a doctor. The rest of my family stayed in Birmingham. Well, I’m not sure now, obviously.”

“Right,” Ben nods. “Well, I know we have some information. I didn’t look too much into it, but it’s there. And where they were buried, that should be easy enough.”

“What about Roger?” Gwil asks quietly. “He wasn’t— people knew, but they didn’t really _know_. The BIS just thought he was my flatmate.”

Ben nods again. “Erm, I’ll see what I can find, yeah? I’m sure there will be something. Even if it’s not in the IIS records, you can find anything these days, really.”

Gwil nods and then shifts in his seat, reaching into his pocket to take out a folded piece of paper, handing it to Ben. “It’s his full name, his birthday, and where he was born. I thought it would help, just in case.”

Ben smiles up at Gwil, taking the paper from him. He doesn’t open it, though; he feels like it’s too much information about Roger for him to have, he feels like he’s invading his privacy. Ben just carefully slides the paper into his pocket. “Yeah, it will. Thank you.” He glances down at his watch, and then just a few moments later, feels the train starting to slowly pull away from the platform. “Did you bring anything to read, or?”

Gwil shakes his head and then turns so he’s looking back out the window again. “No, I’m alright,” he says.

“You might make yourself sick like that,” Ben says, but Gwil doesn’t turn back around. “Alright,” he says, “wake me if you need me.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, settling back. He doesn’t really fall asleep, just sort of relaxes, listening to the sound of the train, though he thinks he might be dozing off for a couple seconds at a time. Every once in awhile, he hears Gwil quietly murmur to himself, or feels him shift in his seat to get closer to the window. They don’t talk for almost the entire journey, except a couple times that Ben opens his eyes to ask Gwil if he’s doing alright. He always says he’s fine, and then Ben closes his eyes again, shifting back in his seat. 

Shortly before London, Ben finally opens his eyes for good, leaning forward in his seat to stretch his back and his arms. Gwil is still turned towards the window, clutching his phone on his lap. “See anything interesting?” Ben asks, leaning forward a bit to glance out.

Gwil looks over at him. “It’s…a lot of it is the same,” he replies. Which is true, still lots of green around them. “But every once in awhile…” He shrugs and settles back in his seat, giving Ben a quick smile. “Did you sleep well?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “I just like to close my eyes. It helps me relax. But yeah, a little nap never killed anyone.” He looks down at the phone on Gwil’s lap. “Text Rami?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “He just wanted to know how we were doing.”

“And you told him we’re safe and sound,” Ben says, and Gwil nods again. “I’m surprised he didn’t come with you, honestly. Thought he would’ve jumped at the chance, being from London and all.”

Gwil frowns a bit and looks down at his phone, then glances up at Ben. “He, uh, I mentioned it to him,” he says, a bit awkwardly. “It’s just that he…”

Ben smiles. “Doesn’t like me as much as he likes Joe?” he asks, laughing.

Gwil smiles a bit at that, but Ben can tell that it doesn’t reach his eyes, that it’s just for show. Ben shifts in his seat, leaning in towards him a bit. “You alright?” he asks.

“No, I’m fine,” Gwil replies. “It’s just that…well, I’m not _blind_.”

“Yeah?” Ben prompts.

Gwil shrugs. “He— Rami…I can tell he fancies Joe a bit.”

“Given what I know about you,” Ben says carefully, “I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that him fancying Joe isn’t the problem.”

Gwil shakes his head. “He never— he never told me. That he fancies blokes. I thought Rami and I talked about everything, he’s my best mate. But…not that.”

“Did you ever ask him?” Ben asks. “Not that I mean— I just mean, did it ever come up?”

Gwil shrugs. “I don’t know, really. Sort of. I’d mention it, or Rog would— like, Rami settling down with a nice girl, that sort of thing. He never said anything, just…smiled, usually.”

Ben frowns. He can’t blame Rami for not telling Gwil, but even after Ben and Rami had talked about it, he’s still a little surprised about it. It was something Rami could have shared in private, and absolutely trusted Gwil not to disclose. “Have you talked to him about it since?” he asks.

Gwil shakes his head. “Almost. Sort of. He hasn’t _said_ it, but— but I know. And anyone can tell that Joe fancies him.”

Ben laughs. “Yeah, that was pretty obvious to me from about the first time he told me about Rami. Joe’s not subtle, that’s for sure.”

“So Joe—” Gwil says, gesturing with his hand. “He is. Erm, he does. I mean.”

“He does,” Ben nods, laughing. “Both.”

“Oh, wow,” Gwil says, eyebrows going up a bit at that. “Well, then.”

Ben smiles. “So anyway, what you’re trying to tell me, is that you asked Rami to come to London with us and he turned you down because he wants to spend time with Joe. Right?”

Gwil smiles. “I don’t— he didn’t put it like that, exactly. But, yeah, that’s what I got.”

“Hey, fair play,” Ben says. “I’m sure Joe’s happy about it.” He frowns a bit. “Wait, did you actually want to come to London?” he asks.

Gwil looks at him in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, did you ask me if you could come because you wanted to, or because you wanted to give them some alone time?” Ben asks, smiling up at him. “Are you playing matchmaker for our flatmates, Gwil?” he teases.

Gwil laughs. “No, that didn’t even cross my mind, I swear. No, I— I’ve been thinking about it for awhile, but of course, as you know, I wasn’t really up for leaving my room most days, let alone going up to London, or— wherever they may be. But when your supervisor called, I thought it was a good chance. Easier than me going on my own.”

“Oh, you’d be fine,” Ben says. “Trains are a bit faster, but I think you’d make out alright.”

Gwil smiles at Ben. “Well, the company is nice too,” he says.

Ben smiles at that and quickly looks away for a moment, feeling his cheeks start to heat up. “Erm, well, you should have told me! I’d’ve kept my eyes open. Not very good company half-asleep, am I?” Ben clears his throat a bit. “Do you want to grab a bite to eat when we get there?” he asks, glancing down at his watch. 

“Sure, yeah,” Gwil nods. “The tube still goes?”

Ben nods. “It does. And the IIS hasn’t moved, so it won’t be too long. There are a couple pubs nearby.” Ben smiles, then starts to chuckle.

“What?” Gwil asks.

Ben shakes his head. “Oh, nothing. I just was thinking. A lot of London looks the same, I’d wager, but one thing near the IIS might stand out.” He smirks. “Don’t worry about it. But I’ll be interested in hearing your opinion.”

“Oh, alright,” Gwil says slowly, looking up as he realizes the train is slowing down. They’re pulling into King’s Cross. Once they stop, Ben stands up, going to the luggage rack, first handing Gwil his bag, then grabbing his own.

“Ready?” Ben asks, and Gwil nods, following him off the train.

\+ + + + +

They navigate to the IIS with ease, and though Ben thought that Gwil would be impressed or scared by the number of people, when he mentioned it, Gwil told him that the population of London in 1939 almost nine million anyway. Ben looked at him, surprised. He had no idea, honestly. By the time they get out of the underground, the sun has mostly set around them. Ben looks over, watching Gwil glance around.

“You could probably find your way from here,” Ben remarks, half-jokingly.

Gwil nods slowly. “It’s— the roads are all the same,” he says. “We just cross here,” he says, gesturing across the street. “Then down.”

Ben nods. “Yeah, exactly,” he says, and they do just that. Ben leads Gwil into the IIS building, and checks in to find out which rooms they’ve been assigned. They head to the crew quarters, dropping off their bags, and then head back out onto the streets. “Come on,” Ben says, leading Gwil towards the Thames. “The place I want to eat is right by the IIS, I just want to show you this.” They walk on the road towards Westminster Bridge, and Ben glances back at Gwil, smiling as they come into view of the London Eye, currently lit up various shades of pink, red, and purple.

“What is that?” Gwil asks, footsteps faltering a bit.

Ben laughs. “That is our Eiffel Tower, Gwil,” he says jokingly. They walk out onto the bridge, stopping where Gwil can get the best view of it. “I just wanted to know what you think.”

“Again, what is it?” Gwil asks.

“Come on, Gwil, you must know what a Ferris wheel is,” Ben says, leaning against the cool stone of the bridge.

“I do,” Gwil says, “but that is…you ride it?” he asks.

Ben nods. “Yeah, you wait in line for like, an hour to buy your ticket, and then another hour to get in. They’re these big glass…pod things.” He takes out his phone and starts quickly scrolling back through his photos, finding one of him and Joe together on the Eye a couple years ago. “Here.”

Gwil looks at the photo, then looks up at the capsules at the very top of the wheel. “I think Rami’s going to want to go on this,” he says finally, handing Ben’s phone back to him.

Ben laughs. “Good, Joe can take him up, he loves it.” He smiles. “Do you want to go on it, Gwil?” he asks suddenly, struck by the idea of the two of them on it together, which was definitely not his intention when he thought about showing this to Gwil.

Gwil glances over at Ben, wondering if he’s joking. “Erm, no, I’m fine,” he replies. Though he admits…it does almost look tempting. Maybe a ‘try it once just to see’ sort of thing. Just not tonight. “I’m rather hungry, actually.”

“Okay, whatever you say,” Ben says, clapping him on the arm and starting to lead him back towards the IIS, and to the small pub that sits almost right outside its doors. It’s not too full, just far enough off the beaten path that most tourists don’t bother coming in. Ben recognizes more than few of the patrons as fellow IIS employees, and gives them a couple of polite waves and nods, sitting down with Gwil at a small table.

Ben’s phone rings and he groans, “I forgot to tell Joe we got in, just a sec. Hello?” He grabs a menu to look over as he speaks.

Gwil smiles, listening to Ben assure Joe that no, they are fine, they are just about to eat, and he’s sorry he forgot to call. 

“Just a second,” Ben says, handing the phone over to Gwil.

Gwil looks at it in surprise and then puts it up to his ear. “Hello?”

“Hi,” Rami says, and Gwil smiles.

“I’m sorry we forgot to call,” Gwil says, “all the excitement of getting in.”

“You’re alright?” Rami asks, and Gwil nods.

“We are. We’ve just sat down to eat at a pub,” Gwil replies, “and you?”

“We’re at our flat, we just got takeaway,” Rami replies. “I just wanted to know that you made it alright.”

Gwil smiles again. “We did, yeah. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Okay,” Rami replies. “Bye, Gwil.”

“Bye, Rami, I’ll see you soon.” Gwil hangs up and then hands the phone back to Ben. “Joe alright?” Gwil asks.

“He’s just teasing me at this point,” Ben replies. “You know what you’re having?” he asks.

“Steak and kidney pudding,” Gwil says, drumming his fingers quickly on the table.

“Mm, good,” Ben says. The waiter is over a moment later, Ben ordering fish and chips and a bottled beer, Gwil ordering a cider to go with his pudding.

Gwil looks around the pub as they wait for the food, taking notice of the people that Ben had waved to earlier. “You know them?” he asks after awhile; he knows that obviously he does, he’s just trying to make conversation.

“Hmm? Yeah,” Ben replies, glancing around. “They work here. IIS.”

“Oh?” Gwil asks. “Do you want to say hi to them?”

Ben looks up at Gwil, smiling, then shakes his head. “Erm, not really. Did you want me to?” he asks. He really doesn’t want to; he’s more than content for it to be just the two of them.

Gwil shrugs. “I just thought, maybe, you would. Since you’ve been in Perth for so long.”

Ben sighs, shaking his head again. “No, I’m— I’m fine.” He brings his hand up to his mouth, biting down a bit on his thumbnail. “I’ve told you I mainly stick to my office, yeah?”

Gwil smirks. “I seem to recall asking you if you like people and you were pretty hesitant on it, yeah.”

Ben chuckles, ducking his head a bit, embarrassed. “Yeah, well, I don’t know. I’m not a complete prick, I swear.” He wonders if that’s how Gwil sees him, and really hopes it’s not.

“You just don’t like to talk to people,” Gwil says.

“I like to talk to my mates,” Ben says.

“Right, and who are they?”

“Joe,” Ben says. “And— you and Rami, I’d like to think. A few blokes from Bournemouth.”

“And no one else from the IIS?” Gwil asks.

Ben reaches up, scratching at his head for a moment. “Erm, no.”

“And why is that?” Gwil asks.

Ben groans loudly. “You’re really not going to let this go, are you?” he asks.

Gwil just laughs and shakes his head. “Not now that I know it’s bothering you so much, no,” he says.

Ben sighs. “They think I’m…”

“A prick,” Gwil says.

Ben snorts. “Well, maybe, I don’t know. We don’t have anything in common. Just because we work for the same place doesn’t mean we have to like each other. They don’t like me because I make the rules.”

“And why don’t you like them?” Gwil asks.

“They’re all scientists and engineers,” Ben replies. “I can’t follow a single conversation.”

“Really?” Gwil replies. “So, Joe, and Rami, and I…we’re your mates. Even though we’re all scientists and engineers?”

Ben chuckles and shrugs. “I’m not lonely, Gwil, if that’s what you’re trying to get at.” It’s mostly true, but he’d also be lying if he said he _never_ wanted somebody in his life. Other than Joe, that is.

“No, no, it’s not,” Gwil says, lifting his palms up a bit in surrender. “I never asked, though, though I’m sure you’d’ve mentioned. Do you have a…” Gwil frowns a bit. “Person?”

Ben snorts with laughter. “A person? A person? Yeah, you’ve met him, his name’s Joe. I can’t get rid of him to save my life.”

“Not like that,” Gwil says, smiling.

“I know, I know, not like that,” Ben replies. He takes a deep breath, starting to pick at the napkin in front of him. “And, no, I don’t,” he replies softly.

“Because you don’t like people?” Gwil asks.

Ben shrugs. “Have you been talking to Joe?” he asks. It sounds like something that Joe has done; _'casually'_ spoken to Gwil about how Ben is eternally single, and how he wishes Ben could just find someone to settle down with.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, why?”

“Because he loves asking me why I’m not dating anyone,” Ben replies. He hasn’t lately, he’s been too distracted by work and Rami to bring it up, but Ben knows that now that they’ve settled into Perth, Joe will start back up again. Especially with love on his brain.

“Have you and Joe ever?” Gwil asks. “You know?”

Ben smiles and shakes his head. “No, but funny you should ask that. Rami thought the same thing.”

Gwil shrugs. “You’re so close, I figured it might have happened once or twice.”

Ben shakes his head. He wasn’t lying when he told Rami that Joe wasn’t his type; he loves him, but he is just his friend. “I’m just…not the type to date someone just to date someone. And whenever I tried before, it just didn’t work.” Which, Ben thinks, is a polite way of putting it. “When I meet the right person, it’ll work. Right?” He looks over at Gwil, realizing that Gwil probably already found his right person. But that still didn’t make it work.

Gwil nods. “That’s usually how you know they’re the right person.”

Ben smiles. “Then I’m alright till then.” But he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about how long until that would be. He sits back a bit when the waiter approaches them, placing their food in front of them. “Cheers,” he says, lifting up his bottle to Gwil.

Gwil smiles and lifts his drink, clinking it against Ben’s.

\+ + + + +

The next day, when the meeting finally breaks for lunch, Ben ducks away, heading upstairs to his old office. Gwil had told him that he was going to just find a place not far from the IIS to grab something to eat, with Ben making sure that he had enough money to pay. He flashes his entry card, the light going from red to green, and he pushes open the door. The piles of folders he left on his desk are still there, and he sighs, heading over. It’s mostly just paperwork he didn’t think to bring with him to Perth, or thought he could find digitally in the IIS intranet anyway.

He logs into his computer, looking at the screen while he also starts flipping through the pages, seeing what information he’s got. The files he has in front of him are the original files, a hundred years old, updated to the point that the Mercury was declared lost, a failure. Ben assumes it’s the point where the BIS just stopped caring. Why update employee files for employees you think are dead? The only files in the IIS system are just digitized versions of the papers in front of him. He knows he has the years Gwil’s parents died, as it was during the war, before the IIS stopped updating, but he can’t remember seeing much about his siblings. And definitely not anything about his nieces and nephews. He doesn’t think there’s anything about Roger in the file at all, except to say that they were living together.

Ben sighs, thinking he’s not going to have much to tell Gwil, when he sees a small handwritten note at the bottom of one of the pages, just a couple letters and a short series of numbers. Ben frowns, then writes it down on a post-it, peeling it off and sticking it in his pocket.

He finds the page that mentions Gwil’s parents: his father, Tom, died in London in September 1940. Ben’s stomach twists a bit; Gwil was due to return in April of that year. Maybe his father had died with the hope that the Mercury was just delayed. He clears his throat, and scans along the page. His mother, Ceinwen, died in Birmingham in July 1943. Again, Ben feels that twist, that knot in his stomach. The Mercury wasn’t officially declared a failure until 1944. It’s possible that she died still having hope that Gwil would come back. She didn’t knew he’d been declared dead. That had to mean something.

Ben flips a page. He sees that Gwil’s older brother Geraint was part of the Royal Army Medical Corps. It doesn’t list anything about a date of death, though, which Ben assumes it would if he’d died in the war. His sister, Rhiannon, was a mother, and stayed at home with the children while her husband fought. Gwil’s other brother, Owain, is listed as a miner in Wales. None of them have dates of death listed either, so Ben assumes they lived until after the BIS stopped updating.

Ben glances down at his watch. He’s still got a bit of time until he has to be back in the meeting, but he doesn’t think he has enough time to run down to the archives, where he wants to check if that small code on the paper means anything. God he’s desperate to just skip out on the rest of the meeting and run down there, but he knows he’s needed. Or rather, he knows his supervisor wants him there to take notes and speak for the program because he doesn’t want to do it himself.

Ben thinks if he should just let Gwil take his key card, and direct him to go down into the archives to find the information for himself while Ben’s in the meeting, but there are a couple things that are stopping him. One, if it turns out to be nothing, or something actually bad, he doesn’t want Gwil down there finding out on his own. But also, two, if it’s something good, Ben selfishly wants to be the one to tell Gwil about it. Or at least be there when he finds out.

Ben gives Gwil’s file another quick read through, trying to see if he missed anything about Roger the first time he read it, but he didn’t. Just the mention of them being roommates, and that’s it. Ben frowns, and sighs. He pushes himself back from his desk and reluctantly heads back to the meeting.

\+ + + + +

Ben drags himself down to the crew quarters, knocking gently on Gwil’s door. He smiles when Gwil opens up, and steps inside. “Make out alright today?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “Yeah, fine, thanks. Mostly walked around, just…taking it all in. I didn’t realize that I’d sort of missed it.”

“Yeah, it’s not so bad,” Ben agrees, sliding his hands into his pockets, pacing around a bit.

“How was the meeting?” Gwil asks. “Are we in trouble?”

Ben smiles, and shakes his head. “No, nobody’s in trouble, I told you. They just wanted an update. Plus, while you are the most interesting thing to happen to the IIS in awhile, you’re not the only thing. Just boring stuff, really. I uh, I had a chance on lunch to run up to my office. I looked at your file again.”

“And?” Gwil asks.

Ben sighs. “Um, there wasn’t a lot in there, really. They stopped updating them in 1944, once they decided you were all really gone. I’m going to have to do a bit more digging downstairs, but I thought if you were free, you’d come with?” he asks.

Gwil nods eagerly. “Yeah, of course. Just here?” he asks.

Ben nods. “Yeah, the archives. Most everything is in Cologne, now, but there was a reference number on your file that I’m hoping they can at least tell us what it is, if they don’t actually have it on-hand. Um…I don’t know what’s going to be in there, though. It could be nothing, really.”

Gwil nods. “I know. I’m— they assumed we were dead, I’m not expecting a lot, but…did it say what happened to any of them? Before 1944?”

Ben quickly looks away, and shifts awkwardly on his feet. “Erm, I don’t…know how to tell you this, really. It’s— uh, your parents. They…”

“Died?” Gwil finishes, and Ben nods.

“Yeah, god, I’m sorry,” Ben says. “I mean, I’m sure you assumed, I just— I’ve never had to tell someone that before. Your mother died in Birmingham in 1943. And it says your father died in London in 1940.”

“1940?” Gwil repeats. “When? Before April?”

Ben shakes his head. “After, sorry. September. But, there’s still a chance, a really good chance I think, that he— that they still thought you were alive, then. That’s not so long after you were supposed to be back, right?”

Gwil pauses for a moment, and then slowly nods. “No, you’re right.”

“And even your mum, the Mercury wasn’t officially declared lost until 1944, so even she—” Ben gestures. “I mean, I’m sure— I’m sure your entire family kept up hope, Gwil. I’m sure they did. I just— maybe it’s a good thing that they died…before. I’m sorry. I am.”

“No, it’s alright,” Gwil assures him. “I’m the youngest of four, my parents were a fair bit older than I was, I— honestly, coming back and finding out they were gone didn’t hurt as much.” He winces. “I mean, well, I _don’t_ mean—”

“No, I get it,” Ben says quickly. “And I’m— glad you’re alright. I didn’t want to say anything to hurt you. But, when we go check downstairs, I don’t know if something in there might.”

“This might be hard to believe,” Gwil says, “but…there’s not a lot in there that could hurt more than what’s already happened.”

“Right,” Ben breathes quietly. He slides his hands out of his pocket, taking the post-it note with it. “Well, want to go see what this is then?” he asks.

Gwil looks down at the paper and then nods. “Lead the way.”

They walk out of Gwil’s room together and head down to the end of the hall, where Ben opens the door for Gwil, and they walk down the stairs together. Ben flashes his keycard at the entrance to the archives, and then opens the door again for Gwil. There’s a woman sitting behind the desk when they walk in, and Gwil’s footsteps falter a bit, and he steps back, letting Ben go over to her instead.

“Hi,” Ben says, nodding down at the ID badge on his shirt. “I’ve found this on an old file,” he says, glancing over at Gwil. “I think it’s a reference number, yeah?”

The woman takes it from him, standing up as she studies it. “How old was the file?” she asks, looking up at him.

“Oh, ‘bout a hundred years, or so,” Ben says. “It’s from the BIS. Would we still have anything like that around, or is it all in Cologne now?”

She looks at the reference number again. “We should still have it, I don’t think anything that old got moved there. It’d be towards the back,” she says, nodding down the aisle. “On the left. You’ll need these,” she says, reaching down to grab a couple pairs of white cotton gloves.

“Thanks,” Ben says, taking the paper back from her, along with the gloves. He looks back at Gwil, then waves him on. “Oh, he’s with me. He doesn’t have an ID badge, though.”

“He’ll have to sign in, then,” she says, grabbing a pen and the sign-in page, sliding it across the counter. “Do you work here?” she asks, looking over at Gwil.

Gwil swallows hard and slowly makes his way over to the counter. “Yes,” he replies quietly. He neatly writes his name out, then signs next to it. “In Perth.”

She takes the paper back from him and looks down at his name, then quickly frowns. “You’re— in Perth?” she repeats. Gwil nods. “Oh,” she says. “Welcome back, then.”

“Thank you,” Gwil says, and then Ben reaches out to gently grasp his arm, leading him away from the counter. 

“Not so bad, yeah?” Ben asks, looking up at him.

“No,” Gwil replies, and lets Ben lead the way to the back of the stacks. Neither of them are quite sure what they should expect to find. 

Ben looks at the numbers printed on the books, boxes, and binders, running his fingers over them as he double-checks the paper. “Here,” he says, lifting a small box off the shelf, lifting the top just a bit to glance inside. He smiles and then hands it over to Gwil. “Come on,” he says, and he leads Gwil out of the stacks to a small area with a couple wooden tables. There’s another man there, reading a book and making notes, but he doesn’t pay them any mind as they take a seat. “Oh, gloves,” Ben says, handing a pair to Gwil.

Gwil nods his thanks and then carefully lifts the lid off the box, looking inside. There’s a series of file folders, and Gwil almost grabs the first one before he remembers the gloves Ben literally just gave him. He quickly pulls them on. He takes out the first folder, then sets it down on the table, carefully opening it. He looks over at Ben, who’s just smiling over at him. Gwil nervously smiles back and then looks down at the paper, frowning a bit as he struggles to read the handwriting. Then he smiles, and his eyes quickly fill with tears.

“What is it?” Ben asks quietly.

“It’s from my mam,” Gwil replies, swallowing hard. “It’s a letter.”

“From when?” Ben asks, leaning forward a bit.

“May 1939,” Gwil reads, looking over at Ben. “Worried mams. I was barely even gone.”

“But you lost communication so early on, right?” Ben asks. “Maybe they asked her to write to you instead, so you could have them when you got back.”

“Well, I guess that’s what happened,” Gwil says, starting to slowly scan the page over his mother’s loopy handwriting. “Just later than expected.”

Ben swallows hard and nods. He settles back, watching Gwil slowly read the letter, turning it over to see if there’s anything on the back. He smiles when Gwil smiles, watching him put the paper down and pick up a new one. “I can go, if you want,” he says after awhile, when Gwil’s on the fourth letter.

Gwil looks up at him in surprise, as if he forgot that Ben was there. There are tears slowly streaming down his face, but Gwil looks happy; really, genuinely happy. “No, no,” he says, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. I just…I wish I could take these with me,” he says, looking down at them.

“I’ll be right back,” Ben says softly, pushing his chair back, walking back up to the front desk where the librarian is sitting. He speaks quietly to her for a minute or two, and she gives him a flash drive, then he heads back to Gwil. He bites his lip when he sees Gwil leaning over the table, and for a moment he’s struck by just how handsome Gwil is, a piece of hair falling over his forehead, Gwil reaching up to push his glasses up just a bit, smiling at whatever letter he’s reading now. This is probably how he looked back when he was a professor, grading papers. Ben clears his throat softly, reaching over to grab his own gloves, sliding them on. “Can I take the ones you’ve already read?” he asks.

Gwil looks up at him, blue eyes even brighter now, shining with tears, magnified by his glasses, and Ben freezes for a moment. He doesn’t know why all of a sudden he has the urge to reach out and swipe his thumb over Gwil’s cheek to dry his tears, but he has to clench his hands into fists to stop himself from doing it. “Sorry?” Gwil asks.

“I’m just going to scan them,” Ben explains. “Onto this,” he says, showing him the flash drive. “So you can take them home with you.”

“How long will that take?” Gwil asks, looking down at all the letters he still has to read. “I don't want to keep you.”

Ben just shakes his head. “I’ve got all night,” he replies. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll just take these ones, okay? And come back when you’ve read some of the others.”

Gwil looks down and then nods, giving Ben a grateful smile before he looks back at the letter in his hands.

“Be right back,” Ben says softly, and Gwil murmurs his thanks as Ben walks away. Ben takes a deep breath, momentarily closing his eyes, trying to figure out what the hell is going on in his head. It’s just the conversation they had yesterday at the pub coming back to haunt him, he thinks. He’s just lonelier than he realized, especially being back in London without Joe for the first time in forever. That’s all it is, he thinks. _That’s all_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • ooooh Ben! is that all? is it really????  
> • this feels like a good time to remind everyone of the [Ben and Gwil moodboard](https://laminy.tumblr.com/post/183938416010/ben-hardygwilym-lee-into-the-blue-and-sunny).  
> • no one is being ignored! as I mentioned at the end of last chapter, while this is all Ben/Gwil, the next chapter will be Rami/Joe, over same period of time, then it will go back to London with B/G.  
> • I like this chapter in a sense and dislike it in most others, idk why, but! I hope you enjoy it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • chronologically takes place during the same time as Chapter 13 (Wednesday and Thursday)

Joe looks over at Rami, who’s still waving at Ben and Gwil as they walk away, and he smiles. “You want to stay until they’re on the train?” he asks, but Rami just looks over at him and shakes his head. 

“No, I’m alright,” Rami replies, then glances back over at them, watching them turn a corner. “These trains, they’re safe, yes?”

Joe nods. “Even safer than regular trains,” he assures him. “Promise. They’ll be okay. Come on, let’s get out of here.” He reaches over and claps Rami a couple times on the shoulder, leading him back out of the station and to the car. As they pull on their seatbelts, Joe starts the car, and then reaches over to the screen, fingertips hovering as he looks over at Rami. “You want me to drop you home?” he asks.

“Oh,” Rami replies. “I thought we might— did you want to get something to eat?” he asks.

Joe smiles and nods. “I was hoping you’d say that,” he says. He taps on the screen a couple times, and then looks over at Rami again. “What do you think you’re in the mood for?” he asks, turning the screen towards Rami a bit.

Rami’s eyes widen a bit and he swallows hard, looking over at Joe, before leaning in a bit, looking at the screen. “We haven’t been there yet,” he says, lifting his finger to the third restaurant on the list.

Joe clicks on it, and reads the short description: “ _casual bistro serving Scottish cuisine._ ” He looks over at Rami. “Yeah?”

Rami nods. “Sure, that sounds nice,” he replies.

“Cool,” Joe says, hitting address button for the restaurant, and smiles over at Rami as the car pulls out of the parking space. It’s only a short drive, less than ten minutes from the station to the restaurant, and Joe takes over the steering when he has to fit into a tighter than usual parking space. They squeeze out, and head into the restaurant together. “Did you want to eat in?” he asks, looking at Rami.

Rami looks around the restaurant and then shrugs. “I…wouldn’t mind just getting takeaway,” he replies. “Is that alright?”

Joe nods. “Yeah, of course. Here,” he says, walking over to the wall, where the menus are all posted behind glass cases. “This place looks _good_ ,” he says, mostly to himself, biting his lip as he tries to decide what he wants. “Oh my god, mac and cheese.”

Rami smiles, crowding a bit closer to Joe so that he can read off the same menu. He swallows hard and looks down, seeing how little space there is in-between them, and frowns a bit. He…he wants to be that close to Joe, Rami thinks. He’s almost tempted to shift himself even closer, and maybe rest his chin on Joe’s shoulder. He doesn’t even know where that thought came from, he’s never done that before. He looks at Joe’s face, watching him study the menu, and then moves his hand, lifting it from his side to casually run along the glass as he scans the words. But as he does, he makes sure that his hand brushes against Joe’s, and then he looks down, feeling himself blush almost immediately. God, he thinks, he’s so stupid. Joe probably thinks he’s so stupid too. Wouldn’t it just be easier if he had no feelings at all? It’s not like anything is going to happen between them, he thinks. Joe is so handsome and smart, Rami can’t believe that he’s not seeing anyone. Especially, he thinks, since Ben told him that Joe likes both men and women. Why would he choose Rami over literally anyone else?

“Anything look good?” Joe asks, playfully bumping against Rami, smiling at him.

Rami nods jerkily, glancing to the side. “The steak burger,” he replies.

“Mmm,” Joe groans loudly, “that does look good. But damn, they got mac and cheese, I can’t say no to it. You want dessert?”

“You’re going to be able to eat that much?” Rami asks.

Joe shrugs. “I’ve got my dessert stomach, I’ll be fine. Sorry, _pudding_ , whatever. We could split it. You want cheesecake or toffee pudding?” he asks.

“You choose,” Rami replies.

“Well, no,” Joe says, “don’t let me do that, because if I get to choose, we’re getting both and sharing.”

Rami laughs softly. “That’s alright,” he replies. “If you want.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks. “Damn, Ben never lets me do that. Alright! I’m in.” They walk back over to the front counter and wait for a server to come over to them. They give their order, pay, then duck outside to wait. “Come on,” Joe says, glancing back at Rami, “let’s walk to the river and back.”

“Why?” Rami asks, but he follows after Joe anyway. The streets aren’t too busy, nor are the sidewalks, and they quietly walk beside each other until they reach the banks of the river, about a ten minute walk away from the restaurant.

“Well, that was fun,” Joe says, pushing himself up a bit on the railing, looking down into the river.

“I suppose,” Rami says, confused. He looks into the water as well, then looks over at Joe. “Is everything alright?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “We had to wait for our food anyway. I figured we’d see the city.”

Rami smiles. “Not much of a view from here,” he says, looking around.

“Oh, fine,” Joe grumbles. “You were— quiet. I wasn’t sure if you were worried about Gwil or not, so I figured a walk might help clear your mind. Did it?” he asks.

Rami thinks for a moment, studying the water, listening to the sounds of the city around him. “I don’t know,” he replies eventually, looking up again.

“They’re going to be okay,” Joe says, reaching out to gently grasp Rami’s shoulder. “It’s not that far away, and Ben knows what he’s doing. Do you wish you’d gone with them?”

Rami swallows hard, looking down at Joe’s hand, then shakes his head. “No, I wanted to stay,” he replies. “I just…” He sighs and shrugs, then frowns when he feels Joe take his hand away.

“Well, I bet that burger’s gonna help,” Joe replies, smiling at him, leaning against him. “And our two desserts. That won’t hurt.”

Rami shakes his head. “No, that won’t hurt.”

Joe frowns, and then takes a deep breath. “Rami, I…know we haven’t known each other for _that_ long, in like, the big scheme of the universe,” he says, gesturing around wildly. “But if something’s bothering you, you can tell me, right?”

Rami nods, looking back at the river. “I know,” he says quietly.

“Do you miss Gwil?” Joe asks. “I mean, I know how nervous not being around him can make you.”

Rami doesn’t reply for awhile, but then eventually nods. “Yes, that must be it,” he says finally.

“Is it about him going to see where his family is buried?” Joe asks. “I— do you want to see your family?” he asks. “I can find out where they are.”

Rami shrugs. “I know where they are.”

Joe frowns. “You do?” he asks in confusion.

“They’re with my father,” Rami replies. “They wouldn’t want to be buried anywhere else.”

“Well, do you want to go see them?” Joe asks. “Or— I know you talk a lot about Sami, but you haven’t really _talked_ about them. Or wanting to know what happened to them.”

Rami brings his hand up to his mouth, picking at his bottom lip with his thumbnail.

“I’m sorry,” Joe says. “It’s none of my business,” he continues. “I just…I want to make sure you’re doing okay, and anything I can do to help, you know I will right? Of course, now I feel like that probably involves shutting up, because of course Joe, you talk too much and won’t let anybody have any peace, and—”

Rami looks over at Joe, who stops rambling immediately. “I’m not ready yet,” he says finally. “I’m surprised Gwil is, to be honest. I know I should want to know what happened to them, and when I first found out they were gone, I thought a lot about it, but I’m just…not ready yet.” He sighs, then looks down at his feet. “I’m just…”

“No, it’s okay,” Joe assures him. “You don’t have to explain yourself. Hey, we should walk back up now, or our food might get cold.”

Rami nods, and lets Joe lead the way back up to the restaurant, silent the rest of the way back. They go in and grab their food, then head out to the car. They squeeze in, and Rami looks over at Joe, who’s manually steering the car back out of the space. “I’m sorry,” he says, and Joe shakes his head, glancing around as he drives. “I ruined our night.”

“What?” Joe asks. “You could never.” He looks over at Rami. “Do you mind if I drive the rest of the way? It’s just easier.”

Rami nods. “That’s fine.” He sighs, settling against the door. “I…” He takes a deep breath, watching out the window as Joe drives. What he wants to tell Joe is, that as much as he wants to see his family, now that he knows more than ever that he’s gay, now that there’s actually a guy here, right in front of him, that he has feelings for, instead of just some hypothetical…he doesn’t want to see his family until he’s ready to say that to them. He wants to just be done lying to them. And as much as he might want to know what happened to his family, he just really wants to take care of this first. Sure, he’s worried that the news will be bad, that he’ll find out what happened to them and it won’t be good, but really, Rami spent most of his life already hiding part of himself. And no, it wasn’t just for his family, but it was also for them. He just needs to take a little while longer to figure this out and do it for himself before he turns back to them. It makes him feel like he’s being a little selfish, like he’s a bad brother and a bad son, but he thinks that they would understand. Or, at least, he hopes they would.

The car pulls up in front of Rami and Gwil’s building, and Rami looks over at Joe in surprise. “Oh,” he says. “Are you…going home?” he asks.

“What?” Joe asks, pulling into the parking space. “Hell no, we’ve got two desserts to share, don’t we?” he asks. “I just figured it’s easier to go to your place now, instead of going to mine, and then having to come back here later anyway. Is that okay? I should’ve asked, I guess.”

“No, it’s fine,” Rami says, and they climb out of the car, their bags of food in hand. “The flat is tidy enough.”

“Oh, good,” Joe says, “because if there’s anything I cannot stand it’s a filthy apartment.”

“Really?” Rami asks.

Joe starts to laugh. “No? I don’t give a shit! I only do laundry because Ben makes me.”

Rami laughs loudly and unlocks the front door of the building, holding it open for Joe as they head to the lift together. “What are we going to watch tonight?” he asks, looking over at Joe.

“Ooh, I don’t know,” Joe replies. “What’s next on the list?”

Rami shrugs. “Is there a baseball game on tonight?” he asks.

“Yeah, but I’m not going to make you watch that,” Joe replies.

“I don’t mind,” Rami says. “We can watch it while we eat, at least. If you’d like.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks. “Okay, sure, if you don’t mind.”

Rami shakes his head. “I really don’t.” They step out of the lift and walk down the hall to Rami and Gwil’s flat. Rami unlocks the door and pushes it open, walking in.

Joe closes and locks the door behind him, setting the food down on the counter. Rami does the same, and then heads over to the cupboards, getting out dishes and cutlery.

“Oh, what did you want to drink?” Rami asks, walking over to the refrigerator. He opens the door, and then glances back at Joe, who’s emptying out their takeaway onto the plates. 

“Just a beer,” Joe says. “You wanna stick the desserts in there until we’re ready?”

“Sure,” Rami says. He reaches back, handing Joe a beer, and then takes the bag from his other hand. For a moment, Rami is struck by the domesticity of it all. In his life, he’s only lived with Sami and Gwil. But right now, it’s easy to forget that Joe doesn’t live here with him.

Joe tucks the beer under his arm, shivering a bit, then picks up both the plates, walking into the living room. He settles down on the sofa putting their plates on the coffee table in front of him, and then grabs the remote, turning on the TV.

Rami follows him into the living room, bringing his own drink with him, and he sits down on the sofa next to Joe. They settle in, each taking a few bites of their food, before they speak up again.

“Is it good?” Joe asks, looking over at Rami.

Rami nods eagerly as he chews. He swallows hard, then grabs his drink, taking a sip as he swallows the rest. “Very,” he replies. “How’s yours?” he asks, gesturing to the plate of mac and cheese on Joe’s lap.

“Oh my god so good,” Joe says, stabbing at some with his fork. He holds it out to Rami, giving him a smile. “Try it, you’ll like it.”

“Oh,” Rami says in surprise, looking down at the fork. “Alright,” he says, opening his mouth around the fork.

“Good, yeah?” Joe asks, slowly drawing the fork back, and Rami nods.

“It is,” he agrees, before quickly looking away, embarrassed to have spoken with his mouth full, but Joe doesn’t seem to notice. Joe just smiles and goes back to eating his supper, watching the game on in front of them.

Rami watches Joe, reaching out to grab his drink as he does. He thinks on all the times he’s watched Joe and Ben interact; how almost flirtatious Joe is with him. But they’re not together, and Ben said they never were. So Joe just acts that way around his mates. Rami’s sure that Joe has probably forced Ben to eat something he’s cooked before, even served it to him the same way. Rami’s starting to think that the only way he’s going to figure out how Joe really feels about him is by asking, but if it turns out he’s alone in this and Joe just sees him as a friend, then it’s going to ruin everything. How can Rami risk that? It’s not like he has anybody else. And he’d be absolutely mortified. Joe would tell Ben, and then Ben would just look at him with pity in his eyes, he’s sure of it.

“I’ll get the pudding,” Rami says finally, quietly pushing himself off the sofa, going into the kitchen. He needs to take a deep breath and just be alone for a moment. Oh god, he thinks, he should have gone to London with Gwil. He said no to going with him because he wanted to be alone with Joe, but now that he’s actually alone with Joe, he doesn’t know what to do or say. He clutches onto the handle, pressing his forehead against the cool metal of the refrigerator. He wishes he had someone else to talk to about this. He wishes he had his brother. Wishes that he hadn’t been so scared about telling Gwil, and that he could call him right now and ask. Though he knows Gwil suspects, that’s obvious, he still hasn’t said it out loud. He can’t. Why does this have to be so hard? Out of all the things he’s gone through since the Mercury came back, why does _this_ , just liking someone, have to be so hard?

“Okay in here?” 

Rami jumps a bit, turning around, pressed against the refrigerator, his hand on his chest.

Joe smiles. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” he says. “Just got really quiet in here, wasn’t sure if you got lost on the way or not. Or if you ended up eating everything by yourself?”

Rami weakly smiles, and shakes his head. “No, no, sorry.”

“You’re good?” Joe asks.

Rami nods jerkily. “Yeah, sorry, just…thinking.” He looks down, to the side. He wonders if he can speak up, tell Joe the truth. He’s never really told anybody how he feels before. He has no idea how to start. He looks up, meeting Joe’s eyes, swallowing hard. “I…”

Joe raises his eyebrows, looking at Rami expectantly, waiting for him to continue.

Rami sighs and then tries to smile again. “Uh, I— I’m excited about dessert,” he says, stepping back from the refrigerator so that he can tug open the door. He takes out the bag and hands it back to Joe, walking over to the drawer to grab a couple forks.

“If you’re worried about them,” Joe says, watching Rami, “we can call.”

Rami glances down at his watch and then shakes his head. “No, no, they’re not even there yet. We don’t need to bother them. Though…maybe just a text?” he says. “One moment.”

Joe smiles. “Okay,” he says, waiting for Rami to type out a text to Gwil and send it, before they walk back into the living room together, sitting down on the sofa. Joe takes out one of the containers, handing it to Rami, then takes out the other. “Ooh, I got the pudding,” Joe says as he opens it up, smiling over at Rami. “You want first bite?” he asks.

Rami shakes his head. “No, you go ahead,” he says, opening the cheesecake.

“Cheers,” Joe says, lifting his fork up to Rami’s.

Rami smiles, lifting his fork up. “Cheers,” he says softly, then takes a bite. They each take a couple more, and then Joe reaches over, switching the containers on their laps.

“If you don’t like it,” Joe says, “we can switch back.”

Rami just shakes his head. “No, that’s alright. But— but same goes for you.”

Joe grins back and takes a big bite of cheesecake. “Oh my god no, this is so good.”

“Aren’t you lactose intolerant?” Rami asks, the thought suddenly occurring to him. He knows Joe’s mentioned it before. “You’ve eaten a _lot_ of dairy tonight.”

Joe laughs. “Don’t worry, I took my pills when you weren’t looking. I’ll be good.” He looks over at Rami. “I promise I won’t be sick all over the place.”

Rami chuckles. “Lovely.”

Joe dramatically bats his eyes at Rami. “You’d take care of me though, right?” he asks. “If I was?”

Rami watches Joe for a moment, and then nods. “Of course,” he says softly.

Joe smiles at him, and then takes another bite of the cake. “We might need more of this this weekend. Before Ben gets back and finds out how much of it I ate.”

“Alright,” Rami agrees. He settles back into the sofa, trying to get comfortable but feeling like it’s obvious that he’s not. His right hand is just itching to reach out to take Joe’s left, he wants so desperately just to touch him, just hold his hand. He doesn’t, though. They finish their desserts, and then Rami stands up, clearing away their dishes and the trash.

“Let me help,” Joe says, following Rami into the kitchen. “I can do dishes.”

Rami looks over at him and shakes his head. “No, that’s alright, I’ll leave them until the morning.”

“You sure?” Joe asks. Rami nods. “Alright then, what do you want to watch?”

Rami wants to tell Joe that he’s tired, that he’s just going to go to bed early, and that he should leave, just so he can finally take a deep breath and drop the charade, but he also just wants to stay around Joe. Get as much time with him as possible. So he just smiles and shrugs. There is something he wants to watch. “Uh, actually…”

“Yeah?” Joe asks.

“There’s a film at the Playhouse right now, that looks sort of interesting,” Rami says. “But I think it’s part of a series? I think it’s a horror film. Could we maybe, I don’t know really, watch the first one tonight and then go see the new one tomorrow?”

Joe looks at Rami in surprise, and then grins widely. “Yeah?” he asks. Rami nods. “Hell yeah, that sounds great. I’m excited! Let’s see if the first one’s on Netflix or something. Ooh, do we need more snacks?” he asks suddenly.

Rami laughs. “How are you still hungry?” he asks. “Isn’t your dessert stomach full?”

Joe laughs. “Yeah, my _dessert_ stomach is, but now I’ve got my snack stomach open.”

“That’s not a thing,” Rami says.

“It is so a thing,” Joe says. “I’m just saying, some candy, popcorn, soda, what do you got around here?”

“Uh,” Rami turns and looks at the cupboards. “I’ve got crisps,” he says, glancing back at Joe.

“Are you hungry?” Joe asks. “I mean, if we got snacks would you eat any of them or would it just be me stuffing my face?”

Rami laughs. “I might share,” he says.

“Okay!” Joe says. “Let’s see if we can find the movie first and then we’ll head down to the corner store.”

Rami nods. “That sounds lovely,” he says.

“Cool!” Joe says, and then he runs back into the living room. 

Rami turns and leans against the counter, looking down at the dirty dishes in the sink. He thinks he almost asked Joe on a date? Except Joe probably goes to the cinema with all his mates anyway. He’s not going to think that this is any different. “Fancy going to dinner with me?” he asks himself quietly. Except that won’t work, because they’ve eaten together a thousand times already, and none of that meant they were together either. “Joe, I think I fancy you,” he says almost silently, knowing that Joe is likely to pop back into the kitchen at any moment. “Do you maybe have feelings for me too?” he asks. “No, of course not,” he continues, muttering to himself, “because you were born a hundred years before me and have never snogged another bloke, let alone shagged one.”

Realistically, Rami knows that there’s a chance Joe might feel the same way. Gwil said as much to him, and he’s probably better at noticing that sort of thing. And even if he doesn’t, Rami also know that Joe’s not the type of person who’s going to make fun of him or be rude about rejecting him. He knows that to be true. Joe’s one of the sweetest, kindest people he’s ever met. But he just can’t say it. He can’t. God help him, he wants to, but he can’t. He just can’t make his mouth actually say the words to Joe’s face.

“It’s not on Netflix,” Joe says suddenly, walking back in, “but we can rent it on the TV, if that’s cool with you.”

“Brilliant,” Rami says, turning around. He hopes that he looks better than he feels, and tries to give Joe a smile. 

“Awesome,” Joe nods, “you good to go?”

Rami nods and grabs his keys, following Joe out of the flat.

\+ + + + +

After they’d been watching the film for awhile, Joe called for a bathroom and “let’s bother Ben” break. Rami spoke briefly to Gwil, just to hear his voice and find out he was alright. The film itself was fine; not particularly scary, but enjoyable enough. Rami figured that they both liked it well enough to still go see the second in the cinema the next day.

When the film ends, Joe takes a deep breath and then pushes himself up. He grabs his trash and his empty soda bottle, and smiles down at Rami as he walks past him into the kitchen. “That was pretty good, yeah?” Joe calls behind him.

“Mm-hmm,” Rami agrees, slowly following Joe into the kitchen.

Joe throws out his trash and then looks back at him. “It’s late, so I’m gonna head out,” he says, patting down his pockets to make sure he has his keys and wallet. “You’re good here alone?” he asks.

Rami looks around, as if realizing for the first time that he’d actually be alone. In the flat. Overnight. Sure, he’d had his own room at the IIS, but Gwil was just down the hall, so were Joe and Ben. He wasn’t _alone_ alone. He hasn’t been really alone since they arrived back and were kept in quarantine, when Rami had no idea where Gwil or others were, and what was happening to them.

But he’ll be fine, right? He could call Gwil, if he had to. He could call Joe, who he was certain would rush back over to his flat. But he won’t have to, he thinks. Because he’s an adult, who may have never lived on his own but yes he’s been alone at times. It’d be ridiculous for him to think that he’ll always have someone around him now. He nods jerkily. “Yes, I’m fine,” Rami says, hoping his voice doesn’t betray his insecurity.

“Good,” Joe says, smiling at him. He leans in and pulls Rami in for a hug, squeezing him gently before pulling back. “Call me if you need me,” he says, and Rami nods, smiling. He walks over to the door, and then Rami suddenly reaches out for him.

“Wait!” he calls after him. Joe turns back to look at him as he pulls open the door. “Uh, do you— do you want to get lunch tomorrow too?” Rami asks. “Or…not. Uh, if you just want to see the film, that’s alright, I don’t know what you’re doing. You probably have to work, that’s fine, uh—”

“Just text me when you’re hungry,” Joe says, smiling at Rami. “Lunch sounds fun. Maybe we should see what else we can get up to before the movie. Go to a museum or something?”

Rami nods, smiling. “Alright. I’d like that.”

“Okay,” Joe says. “Goodnight.”

Rami quickly lifts his hand up. “Goodnight.” He walks over to the door, pushing it closed and locking it behind Joe. He lets out a quiet noise, sort of like a whimper, as he leans back against the door. He swallows hard and closes his eyes. He pictures Joe, and then takes a deep breath. What he wouldn’t give to be able to run after him and pull him back in. Instead he has to go to bed in an empty flat and hope that he can sleep through the night instead of worrying about Gwil or thinking about Joe.

\+ + + + +

Rami stares down at his plate, elbow on the table, hand propping up his head. He takes a deep breath, which turns into a yawn. He blinks in surprise when Joe waves his hand in front of his eyes.

“Are you alive?” Joe asks.

“Sorry,” Rami says, taking his elbow off the table, picking up his fork. “Just tired.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks. “Didn’t sleep well?”

Rami shrugs nonchalantly, but the answer is no, he didn’t. He fell asleep easy enough, but it seemed like he woke up every couple hours after that. For no reason. No nightmares, nothing. He just couldn’t stay asleep.

“You wanna crash at my place tonight?” Joe asks.

Rami’s eyes widen and he looks over at Joe in surprise. “Really?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “Sure. Ben won’t care, you can take his bed. Or, if it bothers you, you can take mine, I’ll take his. Either way, you shouldn’t have to be alone.”

Rami wants to immediately say yes, but he doesn’t want to come off as too eager, so he waits a few moments before finally nodding. “Alright, thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Joe says, shrugging. “Especially if the movie’s too scary, I might need you to protect me in the night.” He laughs, and then Rami chuckles along with him, hoping he sounds more playful than awkward, which is how he feels. He wonders if he should try coming out with subtle hints to let Joe know how he feels about him, but he can’t even imagine what he could say that wouldn’t sound terribly awkward or childish. So he just sits there silently through the rest of their lunch, until they pay their bills and get up to leave.

“Are you okay?” Joe asks quietly as they walk out the door.

“Hmm?” Rami asks, glancing over at him. “Yes, I’m sorry. I— I’m just tired,” he says again. “But I’m fine.”

“We don’t have to go to the movie tonight,” Joe says. “We can just stay in, take it easy, go tomorrow.”

“No, I’d like to go tonight,” Rami says. “Please.”

“Okay,” Joe says, “no problem. You wanna just go for a walk around town then?” he asks. “Kill some time before the show?”

Rami nods. “Yes, I’d like that. It will wake me up.”

“Or tire you out,” Joe points out, but Rami just shrugs.

“No, I’ll be fine,” he assures him.

“Okay, well, maybe we need to start you off with a very highly-caffeinated tea,” Joe says, and they start off down the sidewalk, looking for a cafe.

Once both of them have a tea to go, Rami and Joe just start walking around the city. Joe has some experience in Perth, having come up previously for work, but he’s never spent much time here. Rami is clearly better at navigating the streets than he is. They cross over a street and then Rami stumbles once, stopping in front of a building.

“Are you okay?” Joe asks, reaching out to Rami to steady him.

Rami nods, silently looking up at the building.

Joe steps back and looks up at it as well. He doesn’t see any business signs, so he assumes it’s just flats. “Is something wrong?” he asks.

Rami shakes his head. “I…” he glances around as if to orientate himself. “I used to live here,” he says.

“Oh, shit,” Joe says, taking a closer look at the building. “Are you okay?” he asks, reaching out to gently take Rami’s shoulder.

“Yes,” Rami says, but he’s still looking up at it. “I…lived here with my brother.” He swallows hard and then finally looks away, but he doesn’t make a move to leave.

“Yeah,” Joe says softly, and he doesn’t take his hand away from Rami. Instead, he steps closer to Rami and pulls him into a hug, careful not to jostle either of their drinks. “We don’t have to talk about it,” he says softly, squeezing Rami. “But you can say anything you want to say.”

Rami just closes his eyes and leans against Joe, letting him take some of his weight. He settles against him, taking a deep breath. There’s so much he wants to say, that he can’t find it in him to open his mouth and say any of it, so he just stands there in Joe’s arms for what feels like forever until he finally pulls back. He knows Joe won’t pull back first.

“Hey,” Joe says, ducking down a bit so he can look at Rami’s face where he’s staring down at the ground. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

“I just wasn’t expecting it,” Rami says. “I…I knew, obviously, I knew where we were, but I wasn’t paying any attention. And it’s just. Here. Like nothing’s changed. How has nothing changed in that long?”

“It’s probably pretty different on the inside,” Joe says. “God, I hope so. I don’t think I’d want to live in a pre-war apartment in Perth.”

Rami snorts and looks up at Joe, who’s trying to give him a comforting smile. “It was nice, for the time,” he says. “The BIS made sure of it.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” Joe says. “You wanna try and break in? I mean, you may technically still be a tenant, right?”

Rami shakes his head, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “No, that’s alright.”

“You sure?” Joe asks. “Ben’s a lawyer, he’ll get us out of jail, I’m sure of it. Well, he’ll get _you_ out of jail, he likes you.” He smiles at Rami. “Last chance.”

“I’m alright,” Rami says, and Joe shrugs.

“Okay, don’t say I didn’t offer,” he says, and he starts walking down the sidewalk, looking back to make sure Rami’s following him. He reaches his hand out to Rami, giving him a comforting smile.

Rami looks down and then reaches out, taking Joe’s hand for a moment, letting him pull him along, away from the building. All Rami can think is that maybe his hand’s too cold, or somehow also too warm, or maybe too sweaty? When should he let go? Will Joe let go first? But then a couple of people step out of a building they’re passing and Rami jumps, letting Joe’s hand drop from his. They keep walking, and Rami looks down as he takes a sip of his tea, wishing he could let his hand slide back into Joe’s. He doesn’t, though. He just wonders again about how Joe feels about him. Does he see him as a friend? As more than a friend? Or just a project, something he’s been assigned to? Rami really doesn’t think the last one is true; Joe is far too kind and caring towards him for Joe to just see him as a job, but Rami can’t keep the thought out of his mind.

“You want to just sit in the park while we finish our tea?” Joe asks. “Then we can find something to do.”

“Alright,” Rami says, and they both glance at the street as they start to cross.

\+ + + + +

They wind up at the Perth Museum and Art Gallery. Joe had never been, but Rami had visited it before. Rami doesn’t particularly feel in the mood to look at art and artifacts right now, but it's close enough to the Playhouse that they wouldn’t miss their film later on, so Rami followed Joe inside when he suggested it. Joe grabs a brochure and starts scanning through it, seeing if there’s anything that jumps out at him.

“Ooh, they have a meteorite!” Joe says eagerly. “I wanna see!”

Rami smiles, thinking of all the samples the Mercury brought home from Luyten. Gwil’s plants, and the soil samples, the rocks. He wonders if they’ll end up in a museum someday too, or if the IIS will just hold onto them. Or get rid of them if they’re of no use. He lets Joe lead him to the display, studying the rock. It doesn’t look that spectacular, Rami thinks. It’s just a black, almost rectangle, mounted on the wall. He feels a bit spoiled now; maybe this would have impressed him before he went to space himself.

Joe begins reading softly from the display. “ _On December 3, 1917, a large fireball was seen to cross southern Scotland. A short time later, an explosion was heard and four objects were seen or heard to crash to the ground around the towns of Coupar Angus and Blairgowrie in the Strathmore area of central Scotland._ ” He looks over at Rami. “Cool, huh?”

Rami shrugs, but nods, encouraging Joe to continue.

“ _The four objects were all recovered and found to be pieces of a large meteorite. Collectively the meteorite was eventually named the Strathmore Meteorite and is the largest fall ever recorded in Scotland._ ” Joe looks up, leaning in a bit closer to study the piece. “Did you see anything like this?” he asks, looking over at Rami.

“What do you mean?” Rami asks.

“Like, what was it like?” Joe asks. “In space. Up there, in the stars. Was it…beautiful? Or was it all dark and blah like this?”

“Well, you’ve seen the photos,” Rami says. “Luyten was a rocky planet, mostly. A lot of it did look like this, yes. But then the groves of trees. They were lovely. And the fruit was delicious.”

Joe smiles. “I’d like to get my hands on some of that,” he says, rubbing his hands together eagerly. "Yum, space fruit."

Rami shrugs. “You’ll have to talk to the IIS, they took Gwil’s plants when we got off the ship.” He leans down, starting to read one of the other display cards.

“Right,” Joe says, nodding slowly. “Um, I know this might not be appropriate, but we’ve never talked about it and I’ve never asked, but when…when you got off the ship.”

“Hmm?” Rami says, looking up.

“Did they hurt you?” Joe asks.

“What do you mean?” Rami asks.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know, I mean…they didn’t tell us what they were doing to you. They took you off the ship, and took you straight into quarantine, I know that.”

“They used guns,” Rami says quietly. “They all had them, pointed at us.”

“Oh my god,” Joe says, quickly reaching out to Rami. “Rami, I— are you okay? I mean, I know it’s been weeks now, but—”

Rami smiles at Joe, nodding. “I’m alright,” he says. “It was frightening. I didn’t know where Gwil was, or any of my friends, or where my family were. But no, they never actually _hurt_ me.” He tries to give Joe another smile, but it feels weak and fake. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather we don’t talk about it,” he says. “That week wasn’t the…most enjoyable time of my life.”

“Yeah, right,” Joe says, “of course, duh. Stupid Joe. Yeah, let’s go on a date to the museum and then talk about that time you had a gun pointed at you. Ugh.” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry,” he says, giving Rami a smile before taking a couple steps away to look at another display.

Rami bites down on his bottom lip, trying not to grin, wondering if he heard Joe correctly. _A date_? he thinks. He feels a bit giddy at the idea. Is that what they’re doing, they’re on a date? He follows after Joe, walking up alongside him. “When we first left Earth,” he says quietly, and Joe looks over at him, clearly eager to hear more, “and we saw it, for the first time. Earth, but…we weren’t on it.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks, stopping and turning to him.

“The first thing I noticed was the water,” Rami says. “It was, the oceans. I couldn’t stop looking at them. And it was like…” he trails off, trying to think of a way to put it into words. “The oceans are blue. But from up there, they were more shades of blue than I’ve ever seen before. Than I could ever describe.”

Joe smiles brightly. “That sounds beautiful.”

“It was so beautiful,” Rami agrees, nodding slowly. “It was as though, all of space was in front of us. And that what we were supposed to be looking forward to, but I was looking back, and Earth was…from up there, it looked like paradise.”

“Wow,” Joe says softly. “And what do you think now, that you’re back?”

Rami smiles and shrugs. “I…even after everything, I think it’s still the most beautiful place in the universe,” he says. “Sorry, that sounds…horribly sentimental. And rather self-centred, really.”

“No, I like it,” Joe says. “It makes me feel happy to be here. I like knowing that Earth is pretty great. Though, I already had my suspicions,” he says.

“Really?” Rami asks. “How come?” 

Joe shrugs, and starts walking away, moving towards the next exhibit. “Well, it’s the only planet that I’m on. Obviously. Plus, it’s the only planet with baseball, unless there’s something you’re not telling me. Oh, and junk food.”

Rami tries not to snort with laughter, and just playfully rolls his eyes at Joe. “Oh, I see,” he says. They come to a stop in front of a large painting, and Rami tilts his head to the side, trying to get a better look at it.

“Plus it’s got you,” Joe says softly in Rami’s ear. “So I’m happy you came back.”

Rami immediately feels his cheeks heat up, and he glances over at Joe, who’s just watching him out of the corner of his eye. Rami grins, raising his hand to shyly cover his mouth. He’s in disbelief, he has no idea what to say.

“Come on,” Joe says, jerking his head to the left. “I heard they’ve got a mummy!” He starts walking away from Rami.

“Okay,” Rami says softly, still looking at the painting. It takes him another couple moments before he starts walking after Joe. He can’t stop smiling and blushing, and it feels like his heart is about to beat out of his chest. Looking at Joe, he thinks he’s happy he came back, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • so, do you think Joe likes Rami or not???? (joking, oBVIOUSLY, but Rami still can't believe it)  
> • do not worry, this is not over!!! of COURSE we're going to see their movie date, this chapter just ran a bit long so I split it.  
> • I have yet to decide if the next chapter I post will be the next part of this, since chronologically it follows immediately,  
> • OR, if the next chapter should be the rest of Ben/Gwil in London, since they weren't featured at all here.  
> • let me know if you have a preference; story-wise, it doesn't matter which is posted first.  
> • I want everything to make sense and flow but also to not ignore characters for long periods of time.


	15. Chapter 15

Joe looks over at Rami as they stand in front of the Playhouse. Rami’s looking up at the marquee, and doesn’t see that Joe’s smiling over him. “Excited?” Joe asks. Joe clearly is.

Rami nods, looking over at Joe. “Yeah, I am,” he agrees, and Joe starts up the steps, making sure that Rami is following alongside him. Joe opens the door that says box office, holding it open for Rami. Rami takes a deep breath, the smell of popcorn immediately hitting him. He smiles at Joe. 

“Ooh this is going to be good,” Joe says excitedly, walking up to the box office. Rami stands a bit off to the side as Joe buys their tickets, waiting for him. Joe pays and turns back to him, smiling. “Here you go,” Joe says, handing him a ticket. “You want movie food, right?”

Rami nods. “Of course,” he agrees, and they walk over to the concessions area together. 

“Now, I always get salty popcorn,” Joe says as they get in line. “I’m not really on board with the sweet thing you guys have got going on over here, but that’s okay. Do you want your own or do you want to share?” 

“Oh,” Rami says, it not having occurred to him to share. “Well, I know how you much you love food,” he says, smiling, “so maybe our own would be best.”

“Fair enough,” Joe says, nodding. He’s looking up at the screens above the tills advertising the combos and prices, while Rami just looks around, taking everything in. It’s not a very busy night, but there are still quite a few people milling around him, all of whom seem quite comfortable there. Suddenly, Rami’s struck by a thought that he’s had a few times before, and he figures this is as good a time as any to ask.

“Joe?” Rami asks, leaning in towards him a bit.

“Yeah?” Joe asks, looking down from the screens.

“Can people…tell?” Rami asks, meeting Joe’s eyes.

Joe frowns. “Tell what?”

“That I’m…” Rami gestures and looks around. “Is it obvious that I’m old?” he asks quietly.

Joe keeps frowning for a moment before he starts to smile and shakes his head. “You’re not old!” he says. “What are you talking about?”

“I know I’m not old in age,” Rami says, “but is it obvious, when you look at me, that I’m not from here? Can people here tell?”

Joe shakes his head. “No, Rami. No. Trust me. It’s not like you’ve come riding out on a— I don’t even know, a penny-farthing or something, talking about how the Germans are coming. You and Gwil both look normal, trust me. You fit right in.”

“Okay,” Rami says, nodding.

“Are you worried about that?” Joe asks. “Looking…normal?”

“No, not worried,” Rami replies. “It’s just something I’ve been wondering. Other times, that we’ve been out. And there are so many people here tonight. I’m sure I’m the only person here who’s never been a cinema like this.”

“It’s okay,” Joe says. “Even if you could tell, which again, they cannot, the movie theatre’s gonna be dark anyway. Nobody will see a thing. Now, what else do you want to eat?” he asks, seeing that the people in front of them are getting handed back their change. “Hi,” Joe says, stepping up to the teenager behind the counter. “How are you?” he asks.

“Fine, thank you,” the girl replies. “What can I get for you?”

Joe looks over at Rami, who doesn’t say anything. “Well, I am going to have a large salted popcorn, and— actually, sorry, we are going to have that combo up there with the two drinks and the two popcorns and the candy.” He turns to Rami. “Do you want sweet or salty popcorn?”

“Uh, sweet, please,” Rami says, leaning forward a bit to the girl.

“What do you want for candy?” Joe asks, gesturing to the display case.

“Oh, um, just these,” Rami says, grabbing a bag, showing it to the girl.

“To drink?” she asks.

“I’m gonna have a Pepsi Max,” Joe says, then pats his stomach. “Watching my figure.”

Rami looks down at Joe’s stomach and then laughs a bit. “I’ll have…the 7 Up Free,” he says, tapping at the small logo display on the machine.

“I hope this movie’s spooky,” Joe says, turning to Rami as they wait for their food. “I hope I have nightmares.”

“No, you don’t,” Rami says quickly. “Why would you want nightmares?”

Joe shrugs. “I told you, so you can protect me.”

Rami blushes and looks down, trying not to smile. He can’t think of anything to say to that. If he was a bit braver, maybe.

Joe clears his throat and reaches out, taking Rami’s drink and popcorn off the counter, handing it to him. “Uh, just credit,” he says, taking out his wallet to pay. They walk away from the counter, get their tickets ripped, and are directed towards their cinema. They walk in, stopping just inside the doorway as Rami takes it all in, looking at the large screen, and Joe looks for their seats. “Come on, we’re over here,” Joe says, looking down at his ticket again. They take their seats and get settled, Joe smiling eagerly over at Rami. “I’m excited!” he announces, starting to bounce his foot up and down.

“Me too,” Rami agrees. He really is. They’d been watching so many movies on his laptop and the television, that being here in an actual 21st century cinema, he can’t believe it. 

“Our first movie together,” Joe says. “Well, in an actual movie theatre and not just like, in your room.” Rami smiles; Joe’s saying exactly what he was thinking. “This calls for a celebration.”

“What kind?” Rami asks, looking over at him.

Joe takes out his phone, and opens it to the camera. “Are you familiar with the term ‘selfie’?” he asks. Rami shakes his head. “No, of course not, I think it was invented in like, 2005. Anyway, it just means you take a picture of yourself.”

“Oh!” Rami says. “Okay. Sure. People did that back home too.”

“Perfect,” Joe says, shifting in his seat, wrapping his arm around Rami, pulling him in. “Smile,” he says softly. He lifts his phone and takes a photo of the two of them, then settles back in his seat to look at it. “Oh this is good.”

“What are you going to do with it?” Rami asks, leaning over to look at it. 

Joe shrugs. “Nothing, really. You just keep them to look at.” He starts scrolling back through the photos on his phone. “I have a bunch of me and Ben.” He shows Rami the screen. “This is me and my sister, and me and my brother.”

“Is that your father?” Rami asks, pointing to the screen as Joe goes past it.

“Yeah,” Joe says softly, going back to the photo. “That was about a year, I think, before he died. He was already sick by then, though.”

“I’m sorry,” Rami says. He looks away, feeling bad for having brought it up.

“No, don’t worry about it,” Joe says, turning off his phone and sliding it back into his pocket. “It’s okay.”

Rami frowns at that. “It’s alright though, if it’s not,” he says. “Right? It’s okay to miss him. I miss my father too.”

Joe looks over at Rami, giving him a smile. “Right,” he agrees. “Sorry. I’m just used to— Ben. He never really knows what to say. Which, I don’t blame him, I think literally everybody in his family is still alive, so I’m not saying I’m mad at him or anything, I just…don’t like to talk about it because I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.”

Rami nods understandingly. “Gwil hasn’t— _hadn’t_ lost anybody either,” he says. “Until now. I didn’t really talk to him about my father either.”

Joe nods. “Couple of peas in a pod, huh?” he says. “Go us.” He looks away, staring down at the popcorn on his lap. “Great way to start a movie, right?”

Rami reaches out and takes Joe’s hand in his, giving him a gentle squeeze. “You’ve been so kind to me,” he says softly. “I hope you know that I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without you. But you know that you can talk to me too, right?”

Joe looks up at Rami, meeting his eyes again, and then his eyes quickly flick down, maybe to Rami’s mouth, and then Joe clears his throat and nods. “Thank you,” he says, withdrawing his hand from Rami’s.

“You’re welcome,” Rami says, settling back in his seat. He looks up at the ceiling as the lights start to dim, and the advertisements start, excitement bubbling up as he looks over at Joe. He can't help but feel that this night is pretty special.

\+ + + + +

Rami pulls his jacket closer around his body as he and Joe make their way towards Joe’s flat, the night air cool around them. He thinks he hears a noise behind them, and then he quickly looks back, jumping. He isn’t really sure if the film was that good or not, but there were a lot of scares in it. He’s glad to not be going home alone tonight. For more than one reason.

“Maybe we should’ve driven after all,” Joe says, his jacket zipped up to the top, hands shoved in his pockets. “Chilly.”

“We can run if you’d like,” Rami says, and Joe looks over at him in horror.

“Oh, god no, Rami, what do you think I am?” Joe asks. “Run? _Run_?”

“The first time we met, you were running,” Rami reminds him, and Joe scoffs.

“Please don’t let the one time I’ve worked out in the last five years lead you to believe that I am healthy,” Joe says. “What I said at the theatre about watching my figure? That was a joke.”

Rami grins. “I know, but you’re still—” He stops talking before he says something embarrassing, though judging by the huge grin on Joe’s face, he’s worked out what Rami was going to say.

“Handsome?” Joe asks loudly, and Rami tries to play it off, rolling his eyes. “Rami Malek, oh, sorry, Rami Malek _GC_ , I do say, you’ve taken me to a movie, now you’re taking me home and calling me handsome?”

“I wasn’t going to say that,” Rami says quickly, trying to speed up. 

“Oh ho, this is great,” Joe says, matching Rami’s speed. In turn, Rami just speeds up again until the two of them are running through the streets of Perth, landing at the front door of Joe’s building, laughing loudly as Joe searches for his keys.

“See?” Rami says. “You _are_ a runner.”

Joe’s taking deep breaths, looking at Rami who barely seems bothered by it, and unlocks the front door. “Shut up,” he pants, “I can’t believe you tricked me.”

Rami shrugs and follows Joe upstairs to his flat.

“You wanna watch something?” Joe asks, glancing at his watch as he shrugs off his jacket, tossing it on the counter. “It’s not too late. I think I’m going to have a drink of something.”

“That sounds good,” Rami agrees, toeing off his shoes, carefully leaving them by the door, taking off his jacket.

Joe goes to the refrigerator, grabbing a couple bottles of beer, opening them and handing one to Rami. Joe takes a long drink, gulping it down, still trying to catch his breath. “Ugh,” he groans, “that was embarrassing. You’re so fit! I mean uh, in shape.”

“We trained a lot,” Rami explains, walking into the living room. “We had to.”

“Thank god the IIS dropped that shit,” Joe mutters, following after Rami, dropping down onto the sofa. He reaches out and grabs the remote, starting to go through the channels. “We need something upbeat, to take my mind off that movie.”

“Were you scared?” Rami asks.

“Parts of it freaked me out, for sure,” Joe agrees, stopping on some British game show that’s been on for decades. “You?”

Rami nods. “I jumped a lot.”

Joe grins. “Yeah, I noticed.” He gestures to the TV. “This is good?”

Rami shrugs. “I don’t know what it is,” he replies, “but it’s fine.”

“It’s pretty funny,” Joe replies, taking another drink. “You can find something else though, if you want.”

Rami shakes his head. “No, this is good,” he assures him.

They settle into a comfortable silence, though Rami doesn’t honestly feel all that comfortable. He feels a bit tense. He takes another drink, hoping that will calm his nerves. He’s not focusing on the TV at all, because he can’t stop thinking about what Joe said outside. About them going to a film, then going home together. And Joe’s right, Rami was about to call him fit. He really was. He’d like to tell himself that he was just joking, but he’s not. He does find Joe attractive. He loves the colour of his hair. The ways his eyes crinkle when he smiles. Oddly enough, he likes his nose? Something that Rami can say he’s never really noticed on anyone else before. Most of all he likes his laugh. And how nice Joe is. Rami can almost feel the prickle of tears in his eyes as he starts to get overwhelmed. Being around Joe now makes him so nervous, when really, he just wants to tell him the truth. Whatever the truth is, Rami’s not entirely sure. Does he want Joe to be his boyfriend? Does he just want to kiss him? Or just hold his hand? Rami bites down on his lip as he thinks.

Joe shifts on the sofa, glancing over at Rami, see him tightly gripping his drink, staring down at his lap. Joe frowns and brings one foot up on the cushion, turning towards Rami. “You okay?” he asks.

Rami quickly looks up and nods, before looking away again. 

Joe sighs and moves a bit closer to him, lifting his arm up to the back of the sofa. “You sure? You seem kind of…tense.”

Rami brings his drink up to his mouth, taking a sip, and then shaking his head. “No, I’m alright,” he says, but his voice sounds hoarse and shaky. He knows Joe can tell he’s lying, that much is obvious. But he hopes that Joe won’t want to push the issue. Rami’s not sure what he’ll say if Joe speaks to him again.

Joe just gives him a smile and nods, turning back towards the television a bit. He continues watching the show, but Rami can see him stealing glances at him every few seconds, as if making sure that he’s alright.

Rami takes a few deep breaths. He can do it, he thinks. He can do it. He can say something. They spent all day together, and it was lovely. Rami thinks back on Joe’s words at the museum, calling it a date. Telling him he was happy Rami was there. It would be a perfect way to end it, if Rami said something. It would make Joe so happy. But it might also be the perfect way to ruin it, if Joe rejects him, if those words had just been…Joe being nice. But, Rami thinks, Ben and Gwil won’t be back for another couple of days. If Joe turns him down, Rami can go hide in his flat until Gwil comes back. And things will be better by then. They’ll be over it. Maybe this is the best chance he’s ever going to get. Ben and Gwil won’t just be running off to London all the time, and Rami _really_ doesn’t think he could ever do this with Ben and Gwil around.

“Joe?” Rami asks quietly after a couple of minutes.

“Yeah?” Joe asks, keeping his eyes on the TV for another moment or two, before finally looking over.

“Erm, can I ask you something?” Rami asks, nervously lifting his eyes to Joe’s.

Joe nods eagerly, “yeah, of course.” He grabs the remote, putting the television on mute, and then turns back to Rami. “What’s going on? Are you— is it Gwil?” he asks. “We can call him, if you want. Or I can text Ben.”

Rami shakes his head. “No, no, it’s not that.” He sighs. “I just don’t know how to say it,” Rami admits.

“Okay,” Joe says, nodding slowly. “Uh…is there anything I can do to help?”

“No," Rami says, shaking his head. "I’ve never…” Rami trails off, fingers digging into the side of his drink, “before,” he finishes quietly. He looks over and can see Joe frowning a bit, probably wondering what the middle part of that sentence was supposed to be. Rami’s not even sure himself. There are so many things he could say. Never kissed a man. Never been in a real relationship. Never felt this way about anyone. Never thought that he would.

“It’s okay,” Joe says, reaching out to rest his hand on Rami’s knee, giving him a comforting squeeze. “It’s okay, I’m here.” 

Rami swallows hard, looking down at Joe’s hand, then back up at Joe. He draws a quick breath and then leans forward, awkwardly pressing his lips to Joe’s.

Joe’s initial reaction is to swallow hard and squeeze his eyes shut. It’s not much of a kiss, not a very romantic one, anyway. Rami’s lips just press flatly against his, unmoving, and the only other part of them touching is Joe’s hand still resting on Rami’s knee. Rami’s hands are both still clutching his drink in between them.

Rami makes a soft noise and pulls back, immediately looking away. “I’m so sorry,” he says softly, shaking his head. “Oh god, I’m sorry, I don’t know why—” He looks at Joe again and lets out a quiet, embarrassed whimper. “I’m so sorry, Joe,” he says again.

Joe lifts his hand off Rami’s knee and shifts a bit closer to him, frowning when Rami flinches and squeezes his eyes shut. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Joe assures him, reaching out to carefully take the drink out of Rami’s hands, setting it down on the coffee table. “I’m not going to hit you or anything.”

Rami slowly opens his eyes and looks back up at Joe, almost surprised to hear him say that. “You’re not?” he asks, and Joe shakes his head, giving him a smile. “Are you mad at me?” he asks, and Joe shakes his head again.

“Not even a little bit,” Joe says. “I’m— I’m surprised, I think. But not mad. Never mad.”

“I shouldn’t have done it,” Rami says, and he looks down again. “I— I should’ve asked. I don’t even know if— I’m sorry, Joe, I just…I wanted to,” he finishes softly, cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. “I’m sorry.”

Joe swallows and reaches out, cupping Rami’s cheek in his palm, turning his head towards him. “Don’t be sorry,” he says quietly. He leans in and gives Rami another kiss, still soft, but a bit better than the first one, as their mouths move against each other for a moment before Joe pulls back. “Was that okay?” he asks, and Rami nods slowly, feeling a bit dazed. “Good. I wanted to do that for awhile.”

“Really?” Rami asks, still shocked even after everything, every hint that Joe had dropped. “You— you fancy me?”

Joe’s face bursts into a grin, and he chuckles softly. “Yeah, of course I do. Is that such surprise? I thought I made it kind of obvious.”

Rami nods. “Honestly…yes. I— I didn’t know. I _hoped_ , but I didn’t…”

“And you kissed me anyway,” Joe says. “Wow. You must really like me then.”

Rami looks away, but he nods. “I do,” he says softly, and after a moment, his eyes flick back over to Joe’s, watching for his reaction. Part of him still thinks that it’s just a joke, but Joe just smiles at him, and Rami smiles back. “That’s okay?” he asks carefully.

“Yeah, it’s okay,” Joe assures him. “More than okay. I…I’ve liked you for awhile. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, like, the first time you smiled at me, I was gone.”

“Really?” Rami asks softly. 

“I just didn’t— I figured you’ve got a lot on your plate with everything, you know. Like, a lot happened to you, and I get it, I— it would mess me up,” Joe continues. “And I wasn’t really sure how you felt about me. If you liked me, or if you just like… and I didn’t want to scare you off. I mean, I honestly can’t believe that somebody like you would like somebody like me. You’re kind of great.” Joe looks away, as if now he’s the one embarrassed.

Rami smiles. Joe couldn’t scare him off if he tried. If anything, Rami’s worried about scaring Joe; now all he can think about is giving Joe another kiss, a hundred more kisses, but he stops himself. He knows that once he starts, he’s never going to want to stop, and he’s still not ready for that. Instead, he just shifts on the sofa, curling a bit closer to Joe, resting against him.

“You want to keep watching?” Joe asks, and Rami nods again. “Okay.” He grabs the remote and unmutes the TV, stretching his arm out so that he can wrap it around Rami’s shoulders, bringing him in a bit closer. 

“Joe?” Rami asks after a few moments, tilting his head a bit so that he can look up at him.

“Hm, yeah?” Joe asks, glancing down. He smiles at Rami, as if he can’t believe they’re there together now.

Rami smiles back. “I’m not sure how to say it now. Would you like to…” He sighs and trails off, looking away. “Oh, I don’t know really. Go…”

“Rami, do you wanna go on a date with me?” Joe asks.

Rami looks back up at him, smiling. “Really?” he asks. “I’d love to. That’s still a thing people do?” Rami asks, and Joe laughs loudly.

“Yeah, dating’s still a thing,” Joe replies, still chuckling.

“Good,” Rami says, leaning his weight against Joe. “I was worried.” He sighs. “I was worried about a lot of things,” he admits softly.

Joe reaches up, brushing a curl off Rami’s forehead, then leans down to press a kiss to the top of his head. “You don’t have to worry anymore, okay? I’ve got you.” 

Rami smiles, turning his head a bit to hide his face in the fabric of Joe’s shirt. He knows there’s so much they should talk about, so much Rami doesn’t know and doesn’t have experience with, but honestly, that all just fades away for the time being. He can’t believe he was ever so worried. He doesn’t even think about what it will be like for them to tell Ben and Gwil, or how they’ll react. For the first time in forever, he’s just so happy he feels he could burst.

“Could you really not tell?” Joe asks suddenly. “I mean, I thought I had some pretty good moves today, I— I felt pretty impressed with myself, honestly. I’m not usually that smooth.”

Rami laughs softly. “I thought…like I said, I hoped, but my head. I got so nervous. I’m not used to people having feelings for me. I kept convincing myself that you were just being nice. That you talked to everyone like that.”

Joe shakes his head. “I definitely don’t,” he says, laughing.

“Good,” Rami says. “I’m not sure I could stand it, knowing you said things like that to other people.”

“Ooh, the jealous type,” Joe says, “interesting.”

“No,” Rami says, shaking his head. “Not jealous.”

“No?”

“No,” Rami says. “More like…insecure.” He shifts uncomfortably at having said it out loud. “I thought maybe you were just being nice because you felt bad for me.”

Joe reaches down, his fingers under Rami’s chin, tilting his head to get him to look up at him. “Hey, whatever I gotta do to convince you you’re amazing, just let me know. Because I think you’re pretty fantastic. And trust me, there’s no one else I talk to like that.”

Rami nods, looking up at Joe. “Okay,” he says finally, “I trust you.” He smiles nervously up at Joe, and then cuddles back against him.

They watch television until the game show ends, and Rami slowly pushes himself up, yawning.

“You wanna go to bed?” Joe asks. “Uh, not with me,” he says quickly. “Not…I mean. Just.”

Rami nods, rubbing at his eyes. “Do you have anything I can wear?” he asks, realizing that all he has with him is what he’s wearing.

Joe smiles. “Yeah, sure, come on. You can borrow my toothbrush too. Unless that grosses you out.”

Rami shakes his head, and follows behind Joe as he heads to his bedroom.

Going to his dresser, Joe starts digging through things, stopping for a moment to look back at Rami, who’s leaning against the doorframe. He smiles.

“What?” Rami asks.

“Nothing,” Joe says, shaking his head, going back to looking for something comfortable for him. “I just…I’m happy.” He shrugs and pulls out a shirt.

Rami smiles at Joe, shifting on his feet. “I am too,” he says.

\+ + + + +

Joe stretches out under the blankets, reaching his arms out until he presses his hands to the headboard, pushing himself down the bed a couple inches. He groans loudly and collapses back onto the bed, staring up the ceiling. He blinks a couple times, wondering why the room feels different than usual, then he remembers that he’s in Ben’s room, not his own, and it all makes sense. A smile immediately grows on his face, and he feels a bit giddy as he remembers the night before. Rami kissed him. And then Joe kissed him back. And Rami’s currently asleep in Joe’s room, across the hall.

Joe lifts his hands to his face, still grinning. He honestly can’t believe it. Not even a little bit. Rami, who’s so smart, and kind, and sweet, and loveable…likes _him_? Him, Joe. Joe Mazzello. Joe’s sure there must have been a misunderstanding somewhere. Surely, Rami meant to have a crush on Gwil? Tall, great accent, even better hair. Or Ben. Equally great accent, killer body. What’s Rami want with him?

Joe almost thinks it must be like a duck imprinting on the first person it meets, or however it works. Joe was one of the first people Rami saw at the IIS; hell, he was the very first person he heard on the radio. And Rami just got attached to him. That would make more sense, right? Joe sure thinks so, but he can’t deny how happy Rami looked when they kissed last night. When Joe asked him if he wanted to go on a date with him. Joe laughs softly, thinking about it. He’s desperate to text Ben, hell, call him about it, but he knows Ben’s a shit liar and won’t be able to keep it from Gwil, and Joe figures Rami deserves to tell Gwil on his own. He can’t stop his mind from racing. What will a date look like for them? They already go out to eat together. They just went to the movies. They spend all day together already. Is it just the same, but with kissing?

Joe bites down on his lip to keep from grinning _so_ much. He thinks he could get on board with that. He really has no idea if he was or wasn’t Rami’s very first kiss, but he’s fairly sure that he was Rami’s first kiss with a man. Sex is probably so far off the table right now it’s not even in the same building. But that’s okay, Joe thinks. There’s no rush. It’s not like he’s going anywhere, anyway. The program has no set end date. He can stay in Perth for as long as Rami wants him to stay in Perth. Then, maybe, if Rami wanted to go back to work, they could go to London. Or Cairo. Hell, they could go anywhere.

Joe knows he’s getting a thousand miles ahead of himself, so he gives himself a few more moments in bed, then finally rolls out. He pulls on sweatpants and socks before walking out into the apartment. He looks around quietly, assuming that Rami’s still asleep. He thinks he is; at least, he’s still in Joe’s room. Joe smiles again. Rami’s in his room. His room! Joe gets started on making his cup of coffee, and leans against the counter, waiting for the mug to fill. What should they do? Go out for breakfast? Is that the date? What about lunch, or supper? Are _those_ the dates? Are they all dates now? He’s so engrossed in his thoughts of what time of day a meal has to be for it to count as romantic that he doesn’t hear Rami walk out of his room and approach him, jumping when Rami reaches out to touch his arm.

“Jesus!” Joe yells, clutching at his chest. “Oh my god,” he says, letting out a nervous laugh, “I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you. Ha, oh my god. Good morning.” He tries to not _so_ obviously check Rami out, but he’s wearing the old t-shirt and a pair of pyjama bottoms that Joe lent him for the night, and yeah, he thinks he looks good in them.

“I’m sorry,” Rami says, sleepily rubbing at his eyes, letting out a stifled yawn. “Good morning.”

“Sleep okay?” Joe asks. Rami nods. “Nothing too scary happen?”

Rami chuckles softly and shakes his head. “No, no nightmares. I’m fine.” He looks away briefly. “I would’ve woken you.”

“Oh,” Joe says, trying not to burst out of his skin. “Uh, coffee?” he asks, gesturing towards the machine.

“Tea,” Rami replies. “Please.”

“Sure, let me put the kettle on,” Joe says, hurrying over to the stove, grabbing the kettle and filling it with water. As they wait for it to boil, Joe starts shifting back and forth on his feet, giving Rami an awkward smile. “I, uh…” Joe clears his throat and smiles again. “Huh.”

“Are you alright?” Rami asks, watching Joe.

Joe nods. “Yes, I am. I’m sorry, I’m being really awkward and weird about this and I don’t know why.” He laughs once. “Well, I do know why. It’s because I’m awkward and weird.”

Rami smiles at Joe, but it’s weak, and looks nervous. “Are you…or, do you not want to?”

“No!” Joe says quickly. “No, I still very much want to. I’d— really like to.” He can see Rami’s smile transform into something genuine then, and he looks so much brighter for it. “Go on a date, you mean.”

Rami nods. “It took me awhile to fall asleep last night,” he says quietly, “I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

“Really?” Joe asks. “I— about me?”

Rami shrugs and then nods, looking away nervously. “I just can’t believe I kissed you,” he says. 

“Well, me either, honestly,” Joe says.

“But it was okay?” Rami asks, looking up quickly.

Joe nods, shifting a bit closer to Rami. “Yeah, of course it was. I…can I kiss you again?” he asks.

Rami looks at Joe, smiling at him nervously. “I…didn’t brush my teeth yet,” he replies.

Joe shrugs. “Me either.”

Rami laughs softly and then nods, reaching back to brace his hands against the kitchen counter, eyes flicking down to look at Joe’s mouth, then back up to his eyes.

Joe clears his throat and gently places one hand on Rami’s waist, reaching up with the other to cup his cheek, and then leans in. Joe’s careful to not crowd too close against him, worried that he’ll make Rami feel uncomfortable, and their lips just barely brush before he tilts his head and kisses him harder.

Rami lets out a surprised sound, and jerks back slightly, bumping against the counter, but after a moment, Joe can feel a hand tentatively reach out and grab onto his hip.

Joe pulls back for a moment, smiling, then kisses him again, taking his face with both hands this time. He’s not sure how long they stand there kissing for. Long enough for Rami to reach out with his other hand, tugging him in, making Joe groan softly. Long enough for the kettle to start whistling, and Joe jerks back, glancing over at the stove. “Sorry,” he says, stepping away from Rami to turn off the burner.

Rami reaches out to catch Joe’s hand in his, squeezing his fingers, holding onto him as Joe reaches up to grab a mug for Rami, and a teabag. Joe glances back, looking down at his hand in Rami’s, and then Rami immediately drops it, looking away. “Sorry,” he says.

“It’s okay,” Joe says. “We can hold hands when we’re not both at risk of spilling boiling water everywhere.” He gives Rami a smile, then pours the tea, handing the mug over to Rami. He grabs his own coffee, settling against the counter as he takes a drink.

“Did you talk to Ben?” Rami asks, looking down at his tea.

Joe shakes his head. “Nope. Did you talk to Gwil?”

Rami shakes his head. “No. I thought I would wait until he came back. I— I’m sure he’s dealing with a lot in London right now. I don’t want to bother him.”

“Well,” Joe says, “while I do think that he’s probably dealing with a lot, I really don’t think you could ever bother him.”

Rami smiles, and shrugs. “Well, either way. I’d like to tell him in person. Are you going to tell Ben?” he asks.

Joe frowns for a moment. “Uh, yeah. Of course. Unless you don’t want me to. But…if you’re telling Gwil—”

“No, I’m— I’m fine with you telling Ben,” Rami says. “I just didn’t know why you didn’t yet. I thought you’d ring him right away.”

Joe smiles. “Well, normally, yes, you are a hundred percent right, but I figured telling Ben would also mean telling Gwil, and Gwil’s your best friend, not mine.” He takes another drink of coffee, studying Rami for a bit. “What did you want to do today?” he asks.

“Oh,” Rami says, eyes widening a bit, “I don’t know, really. I…” He shrugs, stirring his tea for a bit. “What do you like to do when you’re dating someone?” he asks.

“Uh, I don’t know,” Joe says. “Mostly what we’ve been doing so far, with the movies and the food, except…ha, if you were ever to introduce me to someone, you’d say ‘this is my boyfriend, Joe’ instead of ‘this is Joe.’”

Rami smiles at that. “You’re my boyfriend?” he asks shyly.

“Well, I’d sure like to be,” Joe replies, “but I get if that’s too fast. Too much, too soon, I’m pretty good at that.”

Rami keeps smiling, and shakes his head. “No, I think that’s— that’s alright. I can say you’re my boyfriend. I like that.”

Joe beams over at him, fingers tightening around his mug as he tries to not just vibrate out of his skin with excitement. “Okay, cool.”

Rami chuckles. “Cool,” he agrees.

“Do you want me to make us breakfast?” Joe asks. “Or, we can go out, if you want?”

“I’m fine with just whatever you have,” Rami says, and he glances behind him as he finds one of the chairs at the counter, pushing himself up. 

“Well, I’m feeling extraordinarily lazy,” Joe says, “so if it’s all the same to you, cereal?”

“Sure,” Rami nods, watching Joe walk over to one of the cupboards. Joe grabs a couple of bowls, pulls open the drawer to grab a couple spoons, and then hands them over to Rami. He grabs a couple boxes of cereal, sets them down on the counter as well, and then goes to grab the milk.

Joe smiles over at him as he pushes himself up on the chair next to him, grabbing one of the boxes. They each pour out their breakfast, eating quietly for a few minutes, until Joe looks over at him. 

Rami looks up from his bowl, chewing slowly, waiting for Joe to speak. “What?” he asks after a moment.

Joe just shrugs and shakes his head. “Nothing.”

Rami blushes a little and then looks away, taking another spoonful.

“I just think you’re really cute, is all,” Joe says, leaning in a bit, and Rami snorts, trying to keep his food in his mouth and not laugh. “I kind of can’t believe somebody as cute as you would like somebody like me.”

Rami looks over at Joe, eyes wide in surprise. “Someone like you?” he asks. “I— I was scared to death you wouldn’t like me. You’re so handsome, and kind, and smart, and I’m…” He shrugs. “I’m old.”

Joe tries not to focus on being called handsome, because he could get used to that, and just shakes his head and reaches out, resting his hand on Rami’s knee. “You’re _not_ , I told you that. I don’t know how to describe what you are, really. You’re…” He smiles. “You. That’s how great you are, you’re indescribable. Plus, you’re a time traveller. That’s cool.”

“It’s odd,” Rami says.

Joe shrugs. “That’s fine too. I like odd. At least it means you’ll never be boring.” He rests his chin on Rami’s shoulder for a moment, and then leans in, giving him a quick kiss. “Is that okay?” he asks quietly, pulling back a bit to meet his eyes.

Rami smiles and nods. “It is,” he replies.

“Good,” Joe says. “If it’s ever not, just— just tell me, okay? I don’t want to freak you out.” Rami nods again, and then leans into him, smiling. Joe shifts a bit closer and wraps his arm around him, going back to eating his breakfast, still in complete disbelief that Rami likes him. Likes _him_. God, he thinks, how’d he get so lucky?

\+ + + + +

Joe showers and gets changed, leaving Rami to get dressed in yesterday’s clothes, and then wait for him. They decide first thing should be to head to Rami’s flat, so that he can shower and get changed as well. When he comes out of his room wearing black sneakers, black jeans, and a red-and-white striped shirt that fits him _really_ well, Joe smiles, pushing himself out of his chair. “You ready?” he asks eagerly.

Rami nods, picking up his jacket from the kitchen chair. “Where to?” he asks.

“It’s a surprise,” Joe says, and Rami sighs.

“Am I dressed appropriately?” Rami asks, looking down at what he’s wearing.

Joe nods, smiling, reaching out to offer Rami his hand, which he takes. “You look great,” Joe says.

“Okay,” Rami says. They walk out of the flat together, Rami locking the door behind them, and head down to Joe’s car. 

Joe forgoes the automatic driving system and manually takes over the steering wheel, turning on some music as they start heading out of the downtown area, leaving the city.

Rami looks out the window, watching as they cross the River Tay. “Where are you taking me?” he asks, glancing over at Joe, smiling.

“Not much of a surprise if I tell you,” Joe says. “Besides, we’re going to be there in like five minutes anyway.”

“Okay,” Rami says, watching them drive past large green fields of farmland, old fences built up. Suddenly, they see other cars parked alongside the road, and Joe keeps driving up to a small gravel parking lot, pulling in. Rami climbs out of the car and looks over at Joe, who’s smiling.

“Have you been?” Joe asks, walking over to Rami’s side, heading towards the small entrance gate together.

“Once,” Rami says, “but it was awhile ago. Even for me.”

Joe chuckles. “Well, I haven’t, so I’m excited. Is it okay? For a first date, I mean,” he says.

Rami nods eagerly. “It is,” he replies, and they start the walk up towards Scone Palace together.

“Do you want to go in first?” Joe asks. “Or walk around the grounds? They have a maze.”

“Let’s go inside first,” Rami says, and when they walk up the few short steps to the entrance, Rami smiles when he feels Joe’s hand lightly on his lower back, guiding him up.

They both look around, taking in the entrance hall with interest, Joe's hand still on Rami's back. “Wow,” Joe says softly, nodding slowly. They forgo a tour, choosing to just walk around together, looking at the paintings and the large State Rooms. They stop in the Ambassador’s Room, looking at the portrait of Dido Belle together.

“They made a movie awhile back,” Joe says softly, “about her and the painting.”

“Oh, I’d like to see it,” Rami says, smiling.

“Yeah, of course,” Joe says, and they move through the exhibit together.

They walk outside into the grounds, walking through the Pinetum, both of them staring up for almost the entire time, looking at the grand trees around them.

“Were the trees on Luyten as nice as this?” Joe asks, and Rami shakes his head.

“No, this is beautiful,” Rami says. He feels like there are a million different shades of green surrounding them, branches so thick they almost block out of the sun, making it seem later in the day than it really is. He shivers a bit, shoving his hands in his pockets, and smiles over at Joe. 

They make it over to the Murray Star Maze last, approaching the entrance way. They stop to read the large white sign explaining the maze, when it was built, and what the star represents. They start down one of the paths, making one short turn before they realize they’ve picked the easiest path first, the one that goes straight to the fountain in the middle.

“Hmm,” Joe says, frowning a bit with disappointment. “Well, that was no fun.”

“Come on,” Rami says, turning right and then right again, leaving the fountain behind and leading Joe deeper and deeper into the maze. They turn and keep turning, moving from a leisurely pace to moving quicker the longer they’re in there, until Joe feels just a tiny bit out of breath. There doesn’t seem to be any dead ends, just more and more winding routes to take.

“Hey, was this maze built when you were here?” Joe asks.

Rami looks back at Joe, smiling and shaking his head. “No, not yet,” he says.

“So we’re just getting us lost for fun?” he asks.

Rami laughs and nods. “I don’t think we could ever _really_ get lost,” he says. “There are children here, and they seem to be making out alright. It is fun though, isn’t it.”

Joe nods. “Sure! I just…”

“I’ll race you back to the fountain,” Rami says suddenly.

Joe smiles. “Sure, okay. A little competition. What do I get if I win?” he asks.

Rami just shakes his head. “You won’t.” He grins and then immediately takes off running, leaving Joe behind.

“You confused me on purpose!” Joe hollers after him, taking a second before he turns around, picking another path, one that he hopes is quicker than the way Rami’s going, because he gets the feeling Rami knows _exactly_ where he’s going. Joe jumps up every once in awhile as he runs, trying to get a glimpse of the statue in the fountain. He groans, feet pounding along the ground. By the time he finally makes it to the centre, he’s completely out of breath, and sweaty, and glaring at Rami, who’s sitting on the edge of the fountain, smiling at him.

“You were trying to lose me,” Joe says, shaking his finger at him. “You lured me up here and tried to abandon me!”

Rami smiles and shrugs. “I wanted to see who the better navigator was,” he says.

“You wanted to embarrass me,” Joe says, dropping down heavily next to Rami on the cool stone, taking a deep breath. “I should push you in for that.”

“You wouldn’t,” Rami says, raising a hand up between them.

“You’re right,” Joe says, “I wouldn’t.” He leans back and looks at Rami, a smile on his face, before slowly reaching his cupped hand down into the water.

Rami glances behind him just as Joe’s about to bring his hand up and he springs off the fountain, feeling the pitter-patter of water hitting the back of his jacket. 

“Ha, I win,” Joe says, stretching his arms out.

“I beat you here,” Rami says.

Joe shrugs. “Right, but I won.”

“How?” Rami asks, carefully approaching Joe, wary of him splashing more water on him.

Joe eagerly reaches his hand out, and Rami flinches a bit, expecting to get splashed in the face this time, but Joe just chuckles and grabs onto Rami’s hand, pulling him in so that Rami’s standing between Joe’s legs, looking down at him.

Rami nervously shifts on his feet, realizing how close he’s standing to Joe, and the awkwardness of their positions, but Joe’s just smiling up at him.

“Well,” Joe says, “because I got to spend all day with you.”

Rami bites down on his inner lip, looking away from Joe. He knows it’s unbelievably saccharine, but it also makes him feel unbearably happy, just, his heart so full to bursting. He’s here, on his first date with Joe, his first date with any man, long after he’d decided that wasn’t a possibility for him. 

“Can I say something maybe not nice?” Joe asks, tugging on Rami’s hand gently until Rami moves and sits back down next to him.

“I don’t know,” Rami says warily. He’s not sure he could bear it, depending on what it is. If Joe’s about to say he’s realized they’d actually be awful for each other and should go back to being just friends.

Joe sighs and looks down at his lap, still holding onto Rami’s hand. “I know you miss home,” he says quietly. “I know you miss everyone. Your family, and your friends, and— I really am sorry, Rami. I truly am. When I found out— when we realized what happened, I was so sorry for you all.”

Rami nods. “I know,” he says.

“So, it’s gonna make me sound like a dick,” Joe continues, “and I apologize in advance because wow, I never thought I’d be this selfish.”

Rami takes a deep breath, squeezing Joe’s hand in his, because he thinks he knows what Joe’s about to say, and he doesn’t want him to feel bad for it.

“But I’m _really_ glad I got to meet you,” Joe says, looking up, meeting Rami’s eyes. “And I know that sucks because there’s no way I could meet you _and_ you get to keep your family, I know it was one or the other and it’s not like either of us chose it, it just happened this way, and no one’s to blame, but I really feel like shit for thinking, yeah, I’m really happy that— that you showed up here.” He winces. “I’m sorry.”

Rami shakes his head and leans in, resting his head against Joe’s shoulder. “It’s okay,” he assures him.

“It’s not, though,” Joe says.

“No, it is,” Rami says. “I miss my family terribly. I do. And— please never ask me if I had to choose what I’d do, because—”

“Never,” Joe says quickly. “Trust me, I know.”

“But when I signed up for the Mercury, when I said yes to going, it’s because— yes, I wanted to help, but I also wanted something better for me,” Rami says. “I thought coming back, life would be different. And I was looking forward to it. What would happen when we arrived home.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks, and Rami nods.

“I didn’t know what that would look like then,” Rami says. “And no, I didn’t— losing my family has been awful, and I miss them every day, but this world _is_ better.” He pulls back, meeting Joe’s eyes. “I never thought I’d get to be with someone. It was— it was a crime. And everything was so hard, and I just—” Rami shakes his head. “I’m happy I’m here too.”

Joe smiles at him, and pulls Rami in for a kiss. He cups Rami’s face in his hands and turns on the stone for a better angle.

Rami reaches up, his hands on Joe’s wrists, holding him tightly in place as their mouths move against each other. He pulls back first, looking at Joe’s eyes, and then smiles and looks away, casually glancing around to see if anyone has been watching them. 

Joe keeps smiling and wraps arm around Rami, pulling him in a bit closer. “So, when you first heard my voice on the radio,” he says after a moment, “did you know? I mean, could you tell?”

“Tell what?” Rami asks.

“Uh, how handsome I am, obviously,” Joe says, and Rami laughs and shakes his head. “So that’s a no, huh? Dammit. I knew Ben had the sexier accent. That’s why I don’t let him anywhere near the rovers. Aliens would be flocking in here left and right for that guy.”

Rami laughs again and settles against Joe, listening to the sounds of the maze, children laughing, people milling around them, trying to find their way to the centre. He brings his hand up to shade his eyes from the sun, looking around at the bright green of the maze, the blue of the sky, almost no clouds in sight. “What a lovely day,” he says softly, and smiles over at Joe, who just laughs softly and smiles back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • YAY THEY KISSED THEY'RE TOGETHER THEY'RE BOYFRIENDS AND HAPPY!!! YAYAYAYAY DID YOU LIKE IT?  
> • ALSO! I start a new job this week, meaning that instead of posting on (what is for me) Monday/Thursday mornings, I'll now be posting on (what is for me) Sunday/Wednesday nights.  
> • I'm far enough ahead in chapters that it shouldn't affect me updating twice a week.  
> • (though if I can see it starting to happen I'll let you know)  
> • next chapter is back to Ben and Gwil in London! I wonder what they're up to.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • as a reminder, takes place in London directly after Chapter 13

Gwil’s up for the rest of the night, reading and rereading the copies of the letters. Ben scanned them all for him, and Gwil’s got his laptop open, glasses on his nose, taking in every single word. Most of them are from his mother, keeping track of her daily activities, what was happening in the war, and the family news. The letter where she told him his father died made him cry so hard he had to take a break, wandering down to the meal hall to get a cup of tea. He took his laptop with him, and set himself up there, not intending to stay for the night, but that’s where Ben finds him in the morning, tucked away in the corner, wearing a cozy jumper and joggers, looking tired and dishevelled.

“Can I sit?” Ben asks, nodding to the chair opposite Gwil, holding onto his breakfast tray.

“Sorry, of course,” Gwil says, moving his computer out of the way a bit to make room for Ben.

“Do I want to know how long you’ve been down here?” Ben asks, bringing his mug up to his mouth.

“They’re open all night,” Gwil replies, reluctantly closing his laptop. Not all the way, but just enough so it’s not rude.

“That’s what I thought you’d say,” Ben replies. “Have you eaten yet?”

Gwil shakes his head, glancing over at the line for food.

“Come on, get something in you,” Ben says, reaching his leg out to nudge at Gwil with his foot. 

Gwil sighs and pushes himself up, slowly making his way over to the counter. He gets his full English and then walks back, trying to figure out how he’s going to balance his tray and his computer on the table.

Ben adjusts his own tray then reaches out, moving the laptop just enough that Gwil’s tray can fit, and Gwil takes a seat. 

“Did you sleep well?” Gwil asks, and Ben shrugs.

“Fine, suppose,” Ben replies. “Do better in my own bed, but that’s alright. I was tired after the meeting.” 

“How long is it going to be today?” Gwil asks, taking a bite of toast.

“Shorter, hopefully,” Ben replies. “I’d like to be able to get back to my office and see what I can find about Roger.”

Gwil swallows hard. “Erm, in one of my mother’s letters, she mentions my father’s funeral. He was buried in Sutton Coldfield, she says. I assume she’d be with him."

Ben nods. “Yeah, most likely. I’ll check that too.” He gives Gwil a smile and continues eating.

After a minute or two of silence, Gwil clears his throat. “Did you want to hear about them?” he asks.

Ben straightens up a bit at that. “You mean, the letters?” he asks, glancing at Gwil’s laptop.

Gwil nods. He opens the laptop up again. “Almost all of them are from my mam,” he says, “but there are a couple from my tad, and a few from my sister. My brothers aren’t much for it, I suppose.”

Ben smiles and shrugs. “No, mine neither, I’d guess.”

Gwil frowns at that. “Your brothers?”

Ben nods. “Yeah. Michael, he’s a bit older than I am.”

“I didn’t know you had a brother,” Gwil says.

Ben shrugs. “I…never said, I suppose.”

“I never asked,” Gwil says. “I’m sorry.”

Ben shrugs again, trying to give him a comforting smile. “It’s alright. I’m supposed to be helping you, not the other way around.”

“Still,” Gwil says. “Sorry.” He shakes his head a bit to reorientate himself, and turns the laptop a bit towards Ben. “Anyway, most of it’s probably boring to you, it’s mostly just my mam. Telling me what she’s been doing, all the church gossip.”

Ben chuckles at that. “Sounds like standard mum letters.”

Gwil smiles and nods. “The same sort of thing she sent me when I moved to Cardiff, and Perth. I don’t know that she ever really liked how far away I lived. Then she starts talking about the war starting.”

“Scary stuff that, I bet,” Ben says. “I can’t really imagine. The whole world at war.” Ben looks up at Gwil, frowning a bit. “You…you were alive during World War I, weren’t you.”

Gwil nods. “I was, yeah. Just a boy, though.”

“Still,” Ben says. “I…I don’t think I’d’ve managed. I mean, I’ve studied it enough to know. So many people died. And oh my god,” he says, the thought just occurring to him. “You lived through like, the Spanish Flu.” Ben makes a face. “I’m sorry, I’m just— it’s all hitting me at once. I’m sorry. Continue.”

“No, it’s alright,” Gwil replies. “But yes, we got letters from family in Wales; Cardiff was hit quite hard. Lots of family friends didn’t make it.”

Ben shifts in his seat, eyes on Gwil, clearly hanging on every word he’s saying.

“We knew people who came home from war, just fine,” Gwil continues, “just to die days later from the flu.”

Ben slowly shakes his head. “That’s awful.”

Gwil nods. “It was. It was hard to understand at the time. Healthy people got sick and then hours later, they were gone. It didn’t take any time at all.”

“I’d be so scared,” Ben says softly.

“You’d’ve been alright,” Gwil says. “If you’d had my parents, they’d’ve taken care of you.”

Ben smiles. “And the letters?” he asks, looking back at Gwil’s computer.

“Oh, right,” Gwil says. “They’re what you’d expect, I think. For the first year or so.” Gwil frowns, scrolling down a bit. “They get pretty hopeful around March. Quite sad after that.”

“Yeah,” Ben nods. “I can imagine. I’m sorry.”

“That’s when my tad and sister start writing,” Gwil says. “I’m not sure if they thought they were writing to someone alive or not.”

“I’m sure they still had hope,” Ben says. “I know it.”

Gwil nods. “There’s hope, and then there’s being realistic,” he says. “They hadn’t heard from us in so long.” He sighs. “I suppose there’s no use in worrying about it anymore. Worried enough while I was away.” He scrolls through the letters a bit more. “Mam says he died in something called the Blitz.” He looks over at Ben.

“Oh, right,” Ben says. “When I saw the date, I’d sort of assumed. It was a bombing campaign, by the Germans. A lot of people were killed, mostly in London.”

“Yeah, Mam says he was here visiting family,” Gwil says. “Just his luck, yeah? Leave it to him. Why he couldn’t just stay home.” He sighs sadly. “The letters just stop from Mam. Then Rhiannon writes one explaining that she died from a bad heart.”

“If you’re about to say a broken heart, I’ll thump you,” Ben says.

“Well, it couldn’t have been easy on her, could it,” Gwil says. “Her husband died, one son’s at war and the other one has run off somewhere, never to return.” It stings as he says it out loud, but he knows it’s true.

“It’s not your fault,” Ben says. “None of it. She was an…older-than-middle-aged woman living in a war zone in the 1940s. You not coming back didn’t kill her.”

Gwil shrugs. “Agree to disagree, then.”

Ben shakes his head quickly. “ _No_ , I won’t. You’ve got enough on your plate without thinking that you’ve killed your mum. It’s not your fault, Gwil, yeah?”

Gwil just awkwardly looks away. He doesn’t want to debate it, not when he knows what he’s saying is true, but it’s still slightly comforting to know that someone doesn’t blame him.

“So, when do they stop?” Ben asks, nodding towards the laptop.

“The last one is from 1946,” Gwil says. “From Rhiannon, after the BIS came out and told everyone about the Mercury. It’s the only one from after 1944, though.”

Ben nods. “When they would’ve told your family you’d died.”

Gwil nods. “Yeah, so. I don’t know, really. There’s not a lot about what happened to them after, but they’re still— it’s quite nice to have them.”

Ben smiles. “I bet. I’m just chuffed I found them.”

“Thank you,” Gwil replies. 

Ben sighs, glancing at his watch. “What are you going to do today then?” he asks.

Gwil shrugs. “I suppose I should try to sleep, but—”

“No, that’s exactly what you should be doing,” Ben says. “Please. I’d feel a lot better about spending all day in a meeting if I knew you were alright.”

“Fine, fine,” Gwil says. “I’ll sleep. A bit. But other than that, I don’t know, really. Eat.”

“Read the letters again,” Ben says, and Gwil nods sheepishly.

“Probably over and over,” he admits.

Ben smiles and reaches out, patting Gwil’s hand. “I’ve got to run to the meeting, but text if you need something, yeah? I’ll make an excuse to duck out if I have to.” He pushes his chair back from the table.

“No, I’m sure I’ll be fine,” Gwil says, looking up at Ben, “but thank you.”

“Alright then,” Ben says, picking up his tray. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

Gwil gives Ben a wave, watches him walk away for a few moments, and then goes back to his computer. He scrolls back up to the top, and starts reading the letters all over again.

\+ + + + +

Gwil’s eyes slowly drift open, blinking a couple of times. He can’t think what must’ve woken him up, until he hears it again. Another knock on his door. He yawns and stretches out under the blankets, feeling his back crack a bit. He finally manages to sit up, feet dropping to the floor. He’s just managed to stand up, his nap having left him a bit disorientated, when his watch starts to ring. He looks down, and sees Ben’s name on the display. He yawns again, and then hits the green button to answer it. “Hello?” he asks, just as he makes it to his bedroom door.

“Did I wake you?” Ben asks.

“Yes, actually,” Gwil admits, and he pulls open the door, seeing Ben in front of him, phone at his ear. “Morning,” he says, yawning again, ending the call.

Ben smiles and slips his phone into his pocket. “Not really, but hello,” he says. “You alright?”

Gwil nods. “Just took your advice, is all. What time is it?” he asks.

“Half four,” Ben replies. “We finished up a bit early.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Gwil says. “Oh, sorry, did you want to come in?” he asks, stepping back out of the doorway.

Ben smiles and shrugs. “Sure,” he says, walking into Gwil’s room. “So, I did a bit of searching,” he says, looking over at him. “You’re right, your mum and dad are buried in Sutton Coldfield, with your sister and her family, as far as I can tell. One of your brothers is buried in Wales. Not sure about the other yet.”

“No, that’s brilliant,” Gwil replies. “I— I don’t expect us to go to Wales tomorrow, but we— it’s not too far to SC, is it?”

Ben shakes his head. “Nope, checked the train schedule. We can get there, spend a couple hours if you want, or longer. Then take the train back to Perth.”

“Brilliant,” Gwil replies. “I— yeah, I really appreciate that, Ben, thank you.”

Ben smiles and nods. “Um, I did find something else though.”

“Oh?” Gwil asks, looking at him expectantly.

“Um, yeah,” Ben nods. “Uh, Roger Taylor. Buried in London.”

“Oh!” Gwil exclaims in surprise. “London? Really? That’s surprising. He— he never lived here before.”

Ben shrugs. “Don’t know about that, but I assume it’s the right one. Same birthday.”

“I’m sure it is,” Gwil says. “Wow, really. Here? In London? How far?”

“Thirty minutes on the tube, I reckon,” Ben says. “I thought maybe you’d want to go. Tonight, I mean.”

“Yes, of course,” Gwil says quickly. “Uh, just let me get changed right quick.” He quickly turns away from Ben and heads back towards his room, starting to pull off his jumper as he goes. He hears Ben cough loudly behind him, but pays no mind as he closes the door behind him. He switches into a button-up shirt, and takes off his joggers for trousers, and comes back out, pulling on his jacket. “You did mean now, right?” Gwil asks, looking at Ben.

Ben nods. “Sure, if you’re ready,” he says.

Gwil nods, then takes a deep breath. “Sure,” he says. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Ben smiles up at him. “Yeah? Okay.”

\+ + + + +

“I’ll be right back,” Ben says, giving Gwil a comforting smile. “I’m going to run back to that cafe we passed, and meet you here,” he says, patting the back of the bench. “Take your time, yeah?”

Gwil sighs and then glances into the cemetery, taking a deep breath. “Right,” he says, foot starting to nervously tap on the soft ground. “I…” He sighs again. “I don’t know what to say.”

Ben frowns, and reaches out, gently patting Gwil’s arm. “You don’t have to say anything,” he says. “You can just put the flowers down and sit. You can…I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’m rubbish at this.” 

Gwil meets Ben’s eyes and realizes that he’s blinking away tears as well. Part of him wants to ask Ben to stay, but he also knows that he should do this on his own. “I probably won’t be long,” he says finally, and Ben nods.

“That’s okay,” Ben says, and then he steps back, back onto the sidewalk. “Did you want me to bring you anything?” he asks.

Gwil just shakes his head. “No, thank you.”

“Alright,” Ben says, lifting a hand to wave at Gwil as he starts walking back down the street.

Gwil gives him a weak wave and then turns around, starting down the path of the cemetery, following the small map posted at the entrance. He looks around; there are a couple other people there, but it’s mostly empty. Empty and quiet. He tightens his jacket around himself, not sure if he’s feeling the chill from the wind or if he’s just nervous. He looks down at the bouquet and starts to feel a bit ill. He has no idea why; it’s not as if he believes he’s actually going to be speaking to Roger. He knows it’s just a grave. But at the same time, it’s the only thing he has to feel connected to him, and part of him still can’t believe that Roger is dead. He died. Gwil saw him just over a year ago, and he died of old age. Despite the weeks he’s had to think about it, he still can’t wrap his mind around it. 

Gwil looks up and turns right down one of the paths, heading towards the back corner of the cemetery. He starts carefully looking around, trying to spot Roger’s name on one of the engraved stones. His footsteps stutter a couple of times when he thinks he sees it, but they’re just Roberts, or another Roger. He turns down another path and keeps looking, eyes glancing back and forth at each stone. His stomach starts to twist more and more the longer he’s looking. He’s never lost anyone really close before. He hates the feeling of being in a cemetery. He feels like he’s a second away from crying harder than he’s ever cried in his life, but for some reason it’s just not coming. He thinks he should’ve asked Ben to stay, but then he thinks he’d probably be embarrassed for Ben to see him like this. Still, he wonders if he should ask Ben to come with him to the cemetery tomorrow.

Gwil walks past a stone and then just out of the corner of his eye he thinks he sees it, the name Taylor. He stops and turns back, looking at it. Taylor is in large letters at the top. But underneath it are two names, not just one. Roger Meddows. And Dominique Marie. Gwil brings his hand up to his mouth, covering the sound of the cry he lets out. He drops down to his knees in front of the stone, looking at it. There are two wedding rings engraved between their names. They were married. Roger got married. Hot tears spill down Gwil’s cheeks, and he can’t stop sobbing. He squeezes his eyes shut, one hand still covering his mouth, trying to stifle his cries, while his left hand clutches at the bouquet. He rocks back and forth with his sobs. He can’t believe it. Roger…married. To someone who wasn’t him. He moved on. He fell in love again. 

Gwil’s breath hitches and he honestly feels like he’s going to be sick if he stays here any longer, but he forces himself to stay. He takes off his glasses, carefully folding them and sliding him into his shirt pocket so he can wipe furiously at his eyes. He sniffles loudly, then finally reaches out, placing the bouquet on top of the stone. He brings both hands up to his face now, trying to take deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. He wants to see what’s on the stone, but it takes him a minute to be able to read it without his eyes blurring with tears. Roger died in 1973. Dominique, a stranger that Gwil is immediately jealous of and angry with even though he knows that’s not fair, died in 1980. Underneath the engraved wedding rings is another year. Gwil digs his fingernails into his thighs as he looks at it. 1945. They got married in 1945.

Gwil hunches over in front of the stone, curled up, head almost on his knees. The crew of the Mercury were officially declared lost in 1944. Roger got married the next fucking year. It takes everything in Gwil to not scream at the grave. He wants to kick at it, and punch it. He imagines hitting it until his knuckles split open, just so he can have the actual physical pain to distract him from what’s happening to his heart. 

He knew it was a possibility, he supposes, deep down. It wasn’t one he thought much about, because just the idea of it make Gwil’s chest ache, the idea that Roger moved on with someone else. Honestly, he’d hoped it wasn’t true. Maybe it was selfish; he did want Roger to be happy, but happy alone. Was that so bad? Was that so hard? Not— not _this_. Not married a year after Gwil was declared dead.

How long had they been together? When did they meet? How did they meet? Did Roger wait for the Mercury to be declared lost before he moved on? Or did he and Dominique meet in 1943? Or earlier? Did Roger know her the entire time? Did he run to her side as soon as the Mercury departed?

No, he knows that’s not true, Gwil tells himself quickly. He doesn’t know much, but he knows that. Rog would never. Would never hurt him like that. They were in love. Roger loved him. And Gwil left him anyway. Gwil’s the one who left. It’s his fault.

Gwil reaches out, gripping at the top of the stone. His fingers are white, he’s clutching at it so hard. He wants to start shaking it; he imagines himself just putting all his weight into it until he manages to knock it over, pull it out of the ground. He wants to stomp on it. He just keeps sobbing though. He sobs harder than he’s ever sobbed in his life, including when they first arrived back at the IIS. He can’t stop. The tears just keep coming, long past the time he thinks they should’ve run out. It’s minutes and minutes longer before they finally slow down, until he can lift his head up without his skull pounding. He looks at Roger’s name again, just stares at it. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, the first words he’s spoken. His voice is rough, his words almost breaking. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I’m sorry I didn’t come home. I wanted to. All year, all I thought about was you.” His sobbing starts again, and he reaches up, frantically wiping at his face, taking deep breaths, sniffling loudly. “I miss you. I’ve missed you. I’m sorry, love.” He sniffles again, swallowing hard past the large lump in his throat. “I hope you were alright. I hope she made you happy.” Gwil whimpers, head falling forward, shoulders shaking with the force of his cries. “I hope you were happy. Without me. I’m home now. But you’re not here. So it’s not really like home at all.”

Gwil takes a deep, shuddering breath. He reaches down, fingers digging into the grass, trying to anchor himself to something. “I don’t know what to do without you,” he admits softly. “Everything’s so different. And I have Rami, but—” His voice breaks off into a high-pitched cry and he stops talking, trying to calm himself down. “I love you, Roger,” he says finally. “I really do. I always have. I’m sorry I didn’t make it back. I’m sorry I broke my promise. I said I’d be back. Said it wasn’t forever. I was wrong. If I’d known, I never would’ve left.” Gwil reaches up, wiping at his nose with his hand, wiping his hand on his trousers. “I wish I’d never left. And if I’d known you weren’t going to be here, I’d’ve never come back.”

He sits there, staring at the gravestone until he stops really seeing it, the words just fading away. He sits there until his knees start to ache, and until his hands start to hurt a bit from the cool wind. He genuinely has no idea how long he’s been there, and doesn’t really care, until all of a sudden he hears the sound of a loud car horn that pierces the air. It breaks him from his thoughts, and then he remembers Ben. He came here with Ben. Who’s probably patiently waiting for him on the bench, like he said he would be, hands shoved in his pockets so he doesn’t freeze. If it weren’t for him, Gwil could stay out here for the rest of the night.

But then, Gwil thinks, what would that solve? How would that help him? It wouldn’t bring Rog back. It wouldn’t send Gwil home. He takes a deep breath. He knows if he doesn’t get up now, he just won’t. He’ll just curl up on the ground, resting against the cold, hard stone until he falls asleep or until Ben comes to get him. It’s only the fact that he feels bad for Ben that makes him finally push himself up. He has to balance himself a bit against the stone, as his legs adjust to standing again. His knees are a bit sore, and when he takes a step or two, he’s a bit shaky. He quickly presses his fingertips to his mouth, kissing them, and then reaches down to press them against the stone as he starts to walk away. He keeps his head down, walking quickly. He feels like he’s leaving Roger all over again, like he’s abandoning him. He knows he’s not, knows he really left a hundred years ago. Knows he broke Roger’s heart when he did it.

Gwil supposes it’s only fair, then, that his heart is breaking now. 

He stifles a cry as he hurries back to the entrance of the cemetery, shoulders hunched, looking down at his feet. He cries out in surprise when he feels hands on his shoulders, looking up to see Ben standing in front of him. 

“Gwil?” Ben asks, looking up at him with a worried expression.

Gwil just cries out and pulls Ben in for a hug, squeezing him tight. He buries his face in Ben’s neck, sobbing, shaking against him. He knows he should feel embarrassed, knows that Ben doesn’t want his snot and tears all over him. He wishes it was Rami here instead. Well, no, he wishes it was Roger. Maybe with his blond hair and big eyes, for a minute he can just pretend that it is. He knows that’s not fair, though. Not when Ben’s been so kind to him.

Ben just runs a hand up and down Gwil’s back, gently shushing him, trying to comfort him. They stand together, Ben letting Gwil cry against him, for minutes on end, until Gwil’s shoulders stop shaking, and the tears stop coming.

“I’m sorry,” Gwil says eventually, voice rough, but Ben just shakes his head.

“No, it’s alright,” he assures him softly. “It’s alright.” Ben gently clears his throat and slowly pulls back to look at Gwil, eyes puffy, nose red, tears drying on his cheeks. 

Gwil just groans and looks away, wiping at his face. “I must look a sight,” Gwil says softly, stepping back from Ben, turning away from him slightly.

Ben gives Gwil a sympathetic smile and shakes his head. “No, you just look sad. I’m sorry.”

“Aren’t you going to ask why?” Gwil asks, glancing back at him.

Ben shakes his head again. “No. You can tell me if you want, but…it’s not really my place. Did you want to head back now?” Gwil nods. “Did you want to grab anything on the way?”

Gwil shakes his head. “No, I just— want to go to bed.”

“Okay,” Ben says. They turn and walk out of the cemetery, turning down the street towards the tube, walking in silence. Every once in awhile, Ben looks over at Gwil just to check on him, but Gwil’s just staring at the ground in front of them, an exhausted look on his face.

They’re stopped on a corner, waiting for the light to turn so they can cross, when Gwil speaks up.

“He got married,” he says softly, and Ben looks up at him, a frown on his face.

“I’m sorry,” Ben says, reaching out to grab his arm, giving him a gentle squeeze.

“In 1945,” Gwil continues. “I’d been dead a year, and he got married.”

Ben bites down on his lip, nodding slowly. “I’m sorry,” is all he can think to say again.

“I know I’d—” Gwil’s voice breaks and he squeezes his eyes shut. “I know I’d been gone for so long by then, but— I still— I just thought—”

Ben nods and reaches up, pulling Gwil in for another hug. The light changes and the people on the sidewalk go by them, but they don’t move. “He loved you,” Ben says quietly. 

“How do you know?” Gwil asks, clutching at Ben.

Ben shrugs. “I just do,” he replies. “Everything you’ve said about him, and Rami…of course he loved you. He was probably just lonely. He missed you.”

“I should never have left,” Gwil says. “We would’ve been together.” He pulls back, taking a deep, shaky breath. “I told him I’d be back. That it wasn’t goodbye. I promised him.” He blinks quickly, looking away from Ben. “I lied.”

“You didn’t,” Ben says quickly. “You didn’t know. They wouldn’t have sent you if they did. Or— you didn’t lie, Gwil. Roger knew that.”

Gwil shakes his head. “You don’t know that.”

Ben reaches up, wiping at his own eyes. “I do,” he says. “Not for sure, but if you— if it were me, I’d know you’d want to come back. I would never blame you.” Ben sniffles, quickly wiping at his nose. “I’m sure he wasn’t angry. I mean, in the letters from your mum, was she mad at you? Even though you told her you’d be back?”

Gwil shakes his head again. “No, no she wasn’t angry.”

“Then why would Roger be?” Ben asks. “He loved you. I’m sure he was sad that you were gone, I’m sure he missed you, but— I don’t think he blamed you. I’m really sorry he got married, Gwil.”

“It’s selfish of me to say I wanted him to be alone, but—” Gwil sighs heavily. “I mean, I love him, I want him to be happy.” He wipes at his eyes again. “I just wanted him to be happy with me.” He looks away and then clears his throat, looking over at the crossing light again. He starts to walk, and Ben freezes behind him for a moment, before hurrying to catch up.

“Are you still up for Brum tomorrow?” Ben asks. “We don’t have to if you think it might too much, or—”

“No, I’d like to,” Gwil replies, and Ben nods. “I think it’ll be easier. I’d like to.”

“Yeah, course,” Ben agrees. “Whatever you’d like. It’s not a very long train anymore. Um, we can go whenever you’d like.”

“Will you come with me?” Gwil asks, looking over at him.

Ben looks up at him, confused. “Erm, to Birmingham?” he asks. “I thought I was.”

“To the cemetery,” Gwil clarifies. “I— would that be alright? I know it might a bit odd for you, but—”

“No, of course not,” Ben says quickly. “Of course I’ll come. If you want me there.”

Gwil sighs in relief. “I would, yeah.”

“Okay,” Ben says. “Whatever you want.”

The two of them reach the tube station, getting on in silence. They don’t speak for the entirety of the ride, nor when they get off and walk the short distance to the IIS. It’s not until they’re in the building, and heading to their quarters that they finally speak again.

“Do you think he loved her?” Gwil asks quietly, hand resting on the door to his room.

“I don’t know,” Ben says, shaking his head.

“Would you marry someone you didn’t love?” Gwil asks, looking over at him.

Ben frowns, then shakes his head again. “No.”

Gwil takes a sharp breath and then Ben steps towards him.

“But just because he loved her,” Ben says, taking Gwil by the shoulder, “it doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. It doesn’t change what you had.”

Gwil rests his forehead on the door, closing his eyes. “It doesn’t feel that way,” he admits quietly.

Ben hesitantly steps forward again and rests his head against Gwil, trying to give him a comforting hug from the back. “It will get better,” Ben assures him.

“How do you know?” Gwil asks.

Ben swallows hard. “I don’t,” he replies. “But I think it will.” He steps back and looks up at Gwil, who looks back at him. “I’m gonna be up for awhile still, so I’m just down the hall if you need me, yeah?”

Gwil nods. “Yeah. Goodnight, Ben.”

Ben gives him a short wave. “Goodnight.” He turns and starts off down the hallway to his own room.

Gwil swallows hard, watching Ben walk away until he unlocks his own door, slipping inside. Gwil takes a deep breath and goes into his own room, kicking off his shoes and slamming the door shut behind him. He just barely manages to shrug off his own jacket before he throws himself on his bed. He wraps his arms around one of his pillows and then takes a deep breath. He thought he’d have to force himself to fall asleep, but he’s so exhausted, it overtakes him quickly.

\+ + + + +

Gwil wakes up once in the middle of the night, overheating in his shirt and trousers. He pushes them off, leaving them in a pile on the floor, and then immediately gets back in bed to pass out. He barely manages to drag himself out of bed once Saturday morning rolls around. He goes to the bathroom to pee and wash his face, but by the time Ben knocks on his door, he’s back sitting in his bed, feeling dazed, blankets and pillows piled up around him.

“Gwil?” he hears Ben call. He wonders how long he could go without answering the door, but he knows Ben will call him in a second if he doesn’t come let him in. 

“One moment!” Gwil calls back, and immediately regrets it, his throat scratchy and sore. He clears his throat, then pushes his way out of his pile. He pulls on the joggers from yesterday, which he’d also just left on the floor, and looks around for a shirt. He’s still trying to sort it out and get the sleeves the right way around when he pulls open the door. “Hi,” he says, finally getting it untwisted, reaching up to pull the shirt on.

“Uh,” Ben starts, looking Gwil up and down, “hi. I— are you alright?” he asks.

Gwil shrugs, stepping back from the door. “Is it okay if I admit I’m not sure?” he asks.

Ben nods, walking into Gwil’s room. “Yeah, of course. It was a rough night.”

Gwil nods, and then sighs. “Sorry for how I—”

“There’s nothing to apologize for,” Ben assures him quickly. “I…don’t, or, _can’t_ understand what you’re going through. I’m really sorry. For all of it.”

“Thank you,” Gwil says. “I know I don’t say that enough.”

Ben shakes his head. “No, don’t worry about that. Um, I assume you’re not packed.”

Gwil snorts in amusement and shakes his head. “No, but it won’t take long. Just gotta toss it all back in the bag.” Except for a surprise he bought for Joe. He'll have to be careful with that.

“Did you want to eat now before we leave?” Ben asks. “Or wait until we get there?”

“Oh,” Gwil says, starting back to his room so he can start packing up. He glances behind him, and sees Ben following him. “Whatever you’d like. There’s fine. There should be a couple places.”

Ben nods. “Yeah, alright. We can walk to the cemetery from the station.”

“Great,” Gwil nods, looking around the room, making sure he has everything. “Are you packed?” he asks.

Ben nods. “Yeah, I was up last night.”

“Right,” Gwil says softly. “I…you shouldn’t’ve had to see me like that.”

“Like what?” Ben asks, confused. “Sad? That’s okay. I’m not offended by seeing a man cry.”

“Oh,” Gwil says. “Right. That’s— it used to be different.”

Ben nods. “I’m sure.” He sighs, and they both look around awkwardly.

“Well, we can go to your room and grab your things,” Gwil says after a moment. “If you’d like to go.”

Ben nods. “Sure.” 

Gwil gives his room a last glance around to make sure he has everything as he slides on his shoes. He pulls the door closed behind them, and they walk down the hall together to Ben’s room.

“Just a sec,” Ben says, and it’s clear by how quickly he moves that he’d had his bag ready by the door. They head down the hallway, Gwil leaving his temporary keycard at the reception desk as they sign out, and they head out into the city. They take the tube from Westminster to Euston, walking into the railway station. Ben buys their tickets, and they make their way to the platform.

“These trains are fast too, you said?” Gwil asks, looking back at Ben as they walk onto the train.

Ben nods. “Yeah, it won’t take long at all. We do have to change once, though. Same on the way to Perth.”

“That’s alright,” Gwil says, taking his seat, watching as Ben takes their bags and puts them on the luggage racks. He shifts and settles a bit against the window. He looks over at Ben when he can feel him sitting down next to him, watching him take out his phone. “Are you calling Joe?” he asks.

Ben shakes his head, looking over. “No. Did you want me to?”

Gwil shakes his head. “No, that’s fine. I just thought.” He clasps his hands together, bringing them up to his mouth. “It will be nice to see Rami again.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Ben says. “I’m sure he misses you too.”

“Hmm,” Gwil murmurs. “Nice to know that somebody does.” He closes his eyes and turns away from Ben, making it clear that he doesn’t want a response to that statement. The train pulls away from the platform, and Gwil doesn’t look up again until they stop in Birmingham, and have to switch trains.

Ben doesn’t say anything to him, just grabs their bags and guides them to the train that will take them to Sutton Coldfield. That particular route is already such a short trip that there’s no point in using bullet trains, so they’re there less than half an hour later.

“Let’s just get a locker,” Ben says, glancing over at Gwil. “I don’t really want to carry these around.”

“Yeah, good idea,” Gwil says. They stash their bags, making sure they have their wallets and phones, and then head outside. On the walk to the cemetery, there’s a shopping centre, and Ben suggests they duck in there to find their lunch. It’s not until they’ve got their food, courtesy of a fast food place Gwil’s unfamiliar with, that he speaks up again.

“Thank you,” he says, and Ben looks over at him with surprise.

“For what?” Ben asks, taking a sip of his drink.

“Putting up with me,” Gwil replies, and Ben smiles.

“It’s not that hard,” Ben assures him. “You haven’t done anything to put me off you yet.”

“I can be quite rude,” Gwil says, and Ben just shrugs. “That doesn’t bother you?”

“No, I just don’t think you’re that rude,” Ben says. “Well, you have been, but not lately.” He digs into his lunch, looking over at Gwil, who’s still not eating. “You’re grieving, Gwil, what am I going to tell you? Stop acting like a prick?” Gwil shrugs. “No, I’m not.” He smiles. “I’ll let Rami do it, but I won’t.”

Gwil chuckles softly, and finally starts eating.

\+ + + + +

The cemetery is quiet when Gwil and Ben walk through the gates. This time, both of them are carrying bouquets, purchased at a flower shop in the shopping centre. Gwil is carrying a bouquet of white lilies, explaining to Ben that part of Ceinwen’s name means white. Ben has a bouquet of daffodils, since searching online and finding out they’re the national flower of Wales.

“They should be over here,” Ben says, pointing off to the left of the path. After that, he lets Gwil take the lead, not wanting to get to his family before him. They walk slowly for a few minutes, both checking all the stones they walk by, until Gwil comes to a stop in front of him.

This time, Gwil’s reaction isn’t to cry out, or sob. He smiles faintly, looking down at the engraved names of his parents, and then carefully kneels on the ground in front of the stone. “Hi Mam,” he says softly, carefully placing the bouquet on the ground. “Hi Tad.” He kisses his fingers again, like he did the day before, and presses them to the cool stone. “I came back,” he says, awkward laughter bubbling up as tears begin to stream down his cheeks. “I’m home now. I’m alright. I’m sure you were worried to death. But I’m okay. So’s Rami. We both made it alright.” He smiles, running his fingers over their names. He leans over a bit, seeing Rhiannon’s name on the stone next to his parents, and chuckles softly. “Hi, Rhiannon.”

Ben swallows hard, stepping back, watching Gwil speak to the graves. He knows he’s there because Gwil wants him there, but he feels unbelievably awkward, like he shouldn’t be witnessing this. He takes a few steps, looking around, when the stone on the other side of Gwil’s parents catches his eyes. Gwilym Lee. Ben looks over at Gwil, then gently clears his throat.

Gwil turns and looks at Ben, his name on the stone catching his eye as well. He freezes, staring at it for a few moments before swallowing hard. He looks up at Ben, who’s watching him back. “I…guess I should be happy that they wanted me so close to them.”

“I’m sorry, Gwil,” Ben says. 

Gwil just gives Ben a sad smile and shakes his head, turning back to his parents. “I’ve missed you all so much,” he continues. “I really have. I wrote so many letters, and— I wanted to tell you so much about our trip. It was really lovely. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. It was really beautiful there. Nothing like home, but…I don’t know, I liked it there.” He draws a sharp breath and reaches up, wiping off his cheeks. “It’s all a bit different now,” he says. “Something went wrong. We didn’t make it home in time. I’m really sorry. I— I love you all so much, and Owain and Geraint, I’m really sorry I missed so much. I don’t know how to make it up to you.”

Ben shifts uncomfortably on his feet behind him, and Gwil looks up again. “Sorry, mate,” Ben says, voice rough, thick with tears, “I can go.”

“No,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “It’s alright. You can stay, if you don’t mind.”

Ben nods and carefully sits down on the grass near Rhiannon’s grave, and gently places the bouquet there.

“This is Ben,” Gwil says, gesturing over to him. “He’s…helping me. It’s hard to explain. I— it was only a year for me, but longer for everyone else. A hundred years, actually. He, uh— he helps take care of me.”

Ben reaches up to wipe at his eyes, chuckling a couple times. “I wouldn’t say that,” he says softly. “Maybe if you’d let me.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long to come back,” Gwil continues, ignoring Ben’s comment. “I really, I— I didn’t know how long I’d be gone. I didn’t realize when I left that— oh! I got your letters, though. I did. The BIS— IIS now, kept them. I’ve read them all. Thank you for writing me. It’s— they’re all lovely.” He takes a deep shaky breath, tapping his fingers on his legs. He shifts a bit to get more comfortable, and then starts picking at the grass. “I don’t really know what to say,” he says quietly. “I…I’m living in Perth, again. Um, with Rami. A really nice flat. Um, it’s— it’s not the same without you all. I— I don’t really know what I’ll get up to. I uh, don’t really know anything anymore. Used to know quite a lot. Everything’s different, the— the phones, the music, the cars, the trains, oh my god the trains. We got from Perth to London in what, two hours?” he asks, looking over at Ben, who shrugs and then nods. “I can’t believe it really. And the cars drive themselves, it’s really quite something.”

Ben rolls his shoulders a couple times, shifting on the ground to find a comfier position, but he doesn’t say anything, just keeps listening to Gwil.

“Rog got married,” Gwil says finally, and his voice breaks on the last word. He hunches forward a bit, shoulders starting to shake. “I know you—” he takes a breath. “I know it was hard for you, who I was, but…I really loved him. I just wanted him to be here when I got back. I wanted you _all_ to be here. I told myself that no matter what happened, if you’d thought I’d died, or was lost, it’d be alright, because you’d be here for me and we’d get on like nothing happened. But I didn’t…I never thought. This. This was one thing I couldn’t prepare for.” He cries for awhile longer, feels Ben’s hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down. He just keeps shaking, tears running down his face, until finally, he tires himself out from it, and they just stop.

Gwil clears his throat and sits up. He looks over at Ben, who’s dropped his hand back to the ground, looking away from Gwil so that he doesn’t have to feel embarrassed. “Anyway,” he says. “I’m sure I’ll be back. I— and I’m going to see Owain and Geraint sometime as well, I promise. Um, but we’d better get going.” He pushes himself up, and Ben looks up at him in surprise.

“We don’t have to,” Ben says quickly, but Gwil just shrugs, and offers Ben a hand to help him up. 

“It’s alright,” Gwil says softly. He leans down again, touching both of the stones one more time. “I, uh, I’ll— I’ll be alright, Mam. I really love you. If I ever hurt you, or— just, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left and scared you. I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to help. But…I’ll come back again. I promise. Maybe for your birthday, Tad. Alright. I love you. Bye.” Gwil wipes quickly at his eyes and then starts to hurry away, putting as much distance between him and his family and his name on a gravestone as he can, as fast as he can, leaving Ben to catch up with him. “I’m sorry,” Gwil says, looking over at Ben.

Ben just shakes his head. “No, don’t be. You— you haven’t seen them in over a year, of course you’d want to talk to them. It’s fine. Don’t apologize for any of that. Yeah? It’s alright.”

Gwil takes a few deep breaths, calming himself down a lot quicker than he could yesterday. He reaches up, wiping at his cheeks, the drying tears making his skin feel tight and itchy. “I don’t— I don’t believe they’re really there,” he says eventually, as they’re making their way back to the train station.

“No?” Ben asks. “That’s alright. I won’t tell if you don’t want me to.”

Gwil shakes his head. “No. I’m not…religious. Another thing my mother wished she could change about me. Are you?”

Ben shrugs. “Not particularly, no.”

When they make it back to the train station, they grab their bags and take a seat, as there’s still a few minutes before their train will even arrive at the platform. Gwil looks over at Ben, who’s just staring ahead, tapping his fingers on the armrests of his seat. “Ben?” he asks.

“Hmm?” Ben replies, looking over.

“Why aren’t you close to your family?” Gwil asks. “Did they…I don’t know. You know.”

“What, like, beat me?” Ben asks, and Gwil shrugs. Ben smiles and shakes his head. “No, no, nothing like that. My mum and dad are lovely people, so’s my brother.”

“Where do they live?” Gwil asks.

“Um, London, these days,” Ben replies. 

Gwil sits up straighter, frowning. “They live in London, and you didn’t visit them?”

Ben shakes his head. “No, that’s not why I came here. There was work, and— and you.”

“But why?” Gwil asks.

Ben sighs. “I don't know, really. I…don’t. I’m not lying, or hiding anything from you, I just. I’m not close to them. They’re closer to Michael.” He shrugs, looking over at Gwil. “We just don’t have a lot in common, really. I love them.”

“You just don’t like them,” Gwil says.

Ben shrugs again. “You think that makes me awful,” he says softly.

“I…don’t know what I think,” Gwil says. “I see you with Joe, and I know how much he means to you. And then how you are with Rami and me, and I— can tell you care about people. You’re good with them. But you don’t seem to like very many of them.” Gwil watches the way Ben shifts in his chair, looking away from him. “I’m sorry, I’m making you uncomfortable.”

“No, it’s fine,” Ben says, but he’s biting at the skin around one of his nails. “I don’t— I don’t feel bad about the way I am.”

“But I’m making you feel bad,” Gwil says.

Ben shakes his head. “No, you’re not. It’s just— I just watched you cry to your family about how much you missed them, and I’m sitting here telling you that I don’t even bother to visit mine. I can only imagine what you think.”

“I’m sorry,” Gwil says softly, and he reaches out, patting Ben’s knee a couple of times. He watches Ben look down at his hand, and then his eyes flick up to meet his.

Ben leans forward a bit in his seat and Gwil flinches back in surprise, until he realizes that Ben’s just reaching out to grab his bag, looking up at the screen. “Train’s here,” he says, standing up. “Come on.”

Gwil grabs his bag and follows along behind Ben. They get on the train and take their seats for the short right back to Birmingham, where they’ll switch again and take the bullet train back to Perth. A few minutes after they pull away from the station, Ben gently clears his throat and looks over at him.

“When I was younger,” Ben starts softly, “my brother wasn’t…always so nice. He was— he didn’t hurt me or anything, he just got in with a bad crowd, and um. I don’t know. Stopped doing as well in school, and stayed out late. Started getting in fights.”

Gwil shifts in his seat so that he can watch Ben as he speaks to him.

“I was, well, a bit of a swot, honestly,” Ben says, smiling faintly. “So, while my parents were running around trying to keep Michael…I don’t know, I was sort of left to my own. And spent a lot of time alone. Got used to it. Made out just fine, did well on my exams, never got in trouble. Then I went to Bomo for uni, and was just on my own again. By then, everything with Michael had been sorted, but it had been a couple years since my family and I actually…I just got used to them not being around. And then uni, they weren’t there. I started with the IIS and was perfectly happy to be alone there too, except one day I had to go talk around and talk to the different departments about some policies we’d been updating, and…” He trails off and starts to chuckle.

“Met Joe,” Gwil supplies, and Ben nods.

“Yeah, exactly, and you’ve met him,” Ben says, smiling over at him. “How was I supposed to shake him off? Most people could tell that I’m not really a people person, and I think he could too, he just thought it was funny and decided that…I might not be a people person, but I’d be a Joe person if it was the last thing he did.”

Gwil starts to laugh, and Ben does as well. 

“I mean, I know you haven’t spent a lot of time with just him yet,” Ben says, “but he really is nice. He’s smart, and funny, and can make you feel better no matter what. He’s my best mate. And I…just, don’t know. If I needed to talk to someone, I’d talk to him. I’d spend holidays with him, and our birthdays, and he’d— he’s close to his family, but since they’re so far away, it’s hard for him to get back, so we just sort of became each other’s family.”

Gwil nods. “I understand that. It’s…the same with me and Rami, honestly. When we moved to Perth. Though, he still had Sami.”

“Yeah, so you know,” Ben says. “So— I love my family, and I’d be there right away if they actually needed me, but they don’t. And I don’t, so.” He shrugs. “All of that is a very long way of saying that…I’m not as much of a prick as you think I am.”

Gwil smiles and shakes his head. “I don’t think you’re a prick,” he says. After a beat, he says, “anymore,” and Ben laughs loudly.

“Well, I’m relieved,” Ben says. “That is a weight off my shoulders.”

“You know, I think that’s why you wanted to help us,” Gwil says. Ben looks over at him. “Because you’re not used to being needed.”

“Oh, wow,” Ben says softly. “That’s…huh. I never really thought about it that way before, but yeah, maybe. Hmm.” He thinks on it for a moment. “I do like you. I mean—” he clears his throat. “You _and_ Rami. I kind of like the four of us, all together, being mates. Although…” He looks over at Gwil. “Rami and Joe might be ruining that.”

Gwil smiles and looks away for a moment. “Should I be worried about the state of my flat when we get back in, do you think?”

Ben groans. “Oh god. Honestly, no. It’ll probably be mine. And— no. Hopefully not. God, we’ve only been gone three days.” He shakes his head. “No, it should be fine. Though I expect there will be lots of…hand-holding and sappy looks.”

Gwil chuckles. “You think it’s sappy?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “You don’t? Fine, you can handle it then. I don’t want to get involved.”

“I think it’s sweet,” Gwil says.

Ben sighs. “You would.”

“And we’re back to you not dating anyone,” Gwil says.

“Right, and we’ve already covered that,” Ben says, “so let’s move on.” He sighs, and stretches his arms out a bit. “So. Are you alright?” he asks.

Gwil thinks for a moment or two, and then nods. “I’m glad I came. It— yeah, I’m alright.”

“You sure?” Ben asks.

Gwil nods again. “Yeah. I’m— working on it. I will be.”

“Okay,” Ben says, smiling over at him. “You know where I am, if you’re not.”

Gwil smiles back. “I do.”

“Alright,” Ben says, settling back in his seat. 

Gwil watches Ben for a few moments more, before turning in his seat, looking out the window. He takes a deep breath, watching it fog up the glass. He draws a little heart with the tip of his finger, then wipes it out, embarrassed. He’s a grown man, drawing hearts on the window? He hopes that Ben didn’t notice. He takes another breath, then draws out an R. He can’t help it, really. He lifts his finger up, then realizes he’d only have to make one more short mark to connect the bottom, making it into a B. He immediately wipes that off as well, and then quickly sits back in his seat. His movement catches Ben’s attention, and he looks over at him, wondering, but Gwil just gives him an awkward shrug, and then stares straight ahead at the back of the seat in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • I'm sorry, what? is maybe Gwil starting to catch the feelings too????? who knows not me (jk I know)  
> • did anybody cry? I can't lie, I did when I wrote it.  
> • obviously everything about Ben's family is made-up, but I just wanted to write more about him.  
> • and it's okay to not be a people person!  
> • next chapter the gang's all back together in Perth.


	17. Chapter 17

“Ben!” Joe yells loudly, dramatically waving his arms as if the train station is crowded and Ben and Gwil wouldn’t see him otherwise. “Ben, I’m here! Ben! Do you see me?”

“Jesus Christ,” Ben mutters, ducking his head, looking up at Gwil, who’s grinning. “Do you think we can escape without him catching us?” he asks. "What do you say, want to head back to London?"

Gwil shakes his head. “Not a chance, mate.” He speeds up, hurrying over to Rami, pulling him into a hug.

“Ugh, fine,” Ben groans, lifting his head and walking over to Joe, who grabs him and pulls him in. “Did you miss me?” he asks, pulling back a bit.

“Not even a little,” Joe says, putting his hand on Ben’s head, pulling him back into his chest. “Oh, Benny, you came home.”

“I’m regretting it already,” Ben mutters, voice mostly muffled by Joe’s jacket. “Do you see other people behaving like this? Is this normal? Who raised you?”

Joe finally steps back, but keeps his hands on Ben’s shoulders, grinning at him. “My wonderful parents, who encouraged me to be positive and show people that I care about them, instead of keeping that _stiff upper lip_ like you Brits,” Joe says, switching to a dramatic English accent that has not at all been improved by the time Joe has spent in Britain.

Ben smiles and then reaches down, taking Joe’s left hand in his, lifting it up a bit closer to examine his fingers.

“What are you doing?” Joe asks, frowning, watching Ben look at his hand.

“Oh, nothing,” Ben shrugs, playfully squeezing Joe’s fingers in his. “Just checking for a ring. Or is it Rami who’s wearing one?” he asks, cocking his head to the side a bit, smirking.

“Oh shut up,” Joe murmurs, snatching his hand back. He turns to the side and his eyes light up, looking at Gwil. “Gwil!” he calls, and he throws himself at him.

Gwil groans a bit and quickly shifts his weight to adjust for Joe, patting him on the back. “Hi, Joe,” he says, looking over at Ben in amusement.

Ben rolls his eyes and walks over to Rami, who’s watching Joe and Gwil with a smile on his face. “Hi Rami,” he says, smiling when Rami turns, quickly wrapping his arms around him.

“Hi,” Rami says softly, and Ben immediately feels like he can breathe easily around him, he’s much softer and calmer than Joe. Rami’s a soothing presence. “How was London?” he asks.

Ben takes a deep breath and nods. “It was alright, yeah,” he replies, squeezing Rami.

Rami pulls back and looks up, meeting his eyes. “The meeting went alright?” he asks. “We’re not in trouble, are we?”

Ben chuckles softly and shakes his head. The thought of teasing Rami briefly crosses his mind, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Rami’s too nice. “No, no one’s in trouble,” he assures him. “It was just a progress report, really. I promise. They just wanted to hear about how it’s going.”

Rami lets out a breath and nods. “Alright, good.” He gives him a quick smile. “And uh, how was he?” he asks softly, glancing over at Gwil.

“Uh…” Ben looks over at Gwil, who’s currently presenting Joe with a box of salted caramel cupcakes that he bought when Ben was in his meeting at the IIS and Gwil went out for lunch on his own.

“Oh my god!” Joe exclaims, looking down at the box in surprise, and then back up at Gwil, a huge grin on his face. “Oh my god, you remembered!”

“Well, you did shout it at us we left the station,” Gwil says, chuckling softly.

“Yeah, but Ben usually just ignores me when I ask for stuff like this,” Joe says, eyes narrowing when he looks over at Ben. “Unlike Gwil, my _real_ friend. Oh man, thank you! Really. I’m not joking, Gwil, this is awesome. I’m excited. Rami, you gotta get in on this! They’re amazing.”

“Sure,” Rami says happily, smiling over at him. He looks back over at Ben though, not forgetting that Ben still hasn’t answered him about Gwil. “Later,” he says, and Ben nods.

“What’s later?” Joe asks, walking over to sling his arm around Rami’s shoulders, pulling him in as they start to walk back to the car.

“We’re going to eat all your cupcakes,” Ben says, reaching out to tap his fingers on the top of the box, which Joe quickly jerks away. “Just me and Rami.”

“Over my dead body, Ben,” Joe says. “My best friend Gwil bought these for me.”

Ben rolls his eyes and looks over at Gwil, gesturing towards Joe and Rami walking together like, _‘are you seeing this?’_ Gwil smiles back and just shrugs.

“So, are you guys hungry?” Joe asks, looking back at them as they reach the parking lot. “Or…are we all just going home? Up to you guys, you’re the ones who’ve been traveling. Is it bed time already?”

“Oh, uh…” Ben looks over at Gwil, who just shrugs again. Ben glances down at his watch. “Um, not _too_ late of a night, please? I’m looking forward to my own bed. But sure, we should get something to eat. We ate lunch but it was a few hours ago in Sutton.”

“That okay with you?” Joe asks Gwil, looking at him over Rami’s head.

Gwil nods quickly. “Sure, I could eat, feeling a bit peckish,” he says, giving his stomach a couple pats.

“What do you want to eat?” Joe asks Rami quietly, and Rami just smiles and shrugs.

“Let them choose, they’re the ones who’ve been away,” Rami says, glancing back at Ben and Gwil.

“It’s only been three days,” Joe says, sighing. “Fine. Ben and Gwil can choose.” They stop at the car, and he opens the boot, holding it open as Ben and Gwil put their bags in.

“I’m really fine with whatever,” Ben says quickly. “Um, just takeaway. I don’t know, Subway?” he suggests, looking around.

“Ugh,” Joe groans, closing the boot, “that’s health food, Ben. What are you trying to pull?”

“Well, I can guess how well you’ve been eating since we left,” Ben says, “and I’d say you need a vegetable or two in your life. Have you got scurvy yet?”

“Fine,” Joe says, unlocking the doors. “But we’re eating junk food for dessert. Oh wait, I have cupcakes! Yeah, I’m good. Subway’s fine.”

“Oh my god,” Ben mutters, climbing into the backseat of the car.

“Oh,” Rami says suddenly, looking between the front seat with Joe and the backseat with Ben. “I was…”

“You can sit up front, Rami,” Gwil says quickly, climbing in the back alongside Ben. 

“Okay,” Rami says, sounding a bit unsure, but he gets in the front alongside Joe anyway, reaching over to take the box of cupcakes from him. “Just in case you have to drive,” he explains, pulling on his seatbelt.

Joe sets the car to start driving to the restaurant, which is less than a five minutes from the station. They’re mostly quiet for the drive, but they all assume it’s because they’ll just wait until they get to whichever flat they’re heading to before they start sharing stories of the last couple days. Joe glances over at Rami to make sure he's not eating his cupcakes. And he glances in the rearview mirror a couple times, and sees Ben watching Gwil. He glances back again a moment later, and this time Gwil is watching Ben. Joe frowns.

The car parks and they all climb out, heading into the small restaurant. Joe takes a deep breath, loving the smell of the bread, and looks back at the other three, seeing that Rami and Gwil look slightly confused. “Oh!” Joe says quickly. “It’s a sandwich place. Or salads, if you’d prefer. Wraps. Uh.” He wraps his arms around Gwil and Rami, guiding them over to the counter, looking up at the menu board. “So you just pick your bread, and your meat, okay? Then your cheese. Tell them if you want it toasted or not. And then you pick whichever vegetables and sauces you want.”

“As many as we want?” Rami asks, leaning forward to look at the options.

“Well, not _all_ of them,” Joe says, “because trust me, my brother used to work at one of these places in high school, and they just don’t all fit. Not well, anyway. Like, one little piece of everything.”

“He tried,” Ben says with a smirk, glancing over at them as he heads up to order first.

“I did,” Joe replies, “and uh. Got a little messy, yeah. But what are we thinking? Chicken? Beef? Veggie?”

Gwil looks over the menu board for a moment and then shrugs. “I don’t know, a…spicy Italian?” he asks. "Sounds alright."

“Oh oh oh,” Joe says, shaking his head at Gwil. “You bought me cupcakes, and now you’re saying you want a spicy Italian? Gwil, I say! You’re being quite flirtatious.”

Ben snorts with laughter, shoulders shaking as he stands at the counter.

“Oh god,” Gwil mutters, rolling his eyes, moving to stand behind Ben in line, giving him a playful push to get him to stop laughing.

Joe watches Gwil briefly rest his hand on Ben’s back as he leans down to say something to him, and then turns to Rami. “What are you thinking?” he asks, as Ben starts to laugh from whatever Gwil said.

Rami shrugs, still looking at all the options. “Chicken Tikka?” he asks, looking over at Joe. “I like the sounds of that. Although, I don’t know. They all sound quite good. I’m not sure.”

Joe smiles and leads Rami over to the line, his arm still wrapped around his shoulder. They stand there for a moment as Gwil places his order, then watch as he walks over to stand next to Ben, who smiles brightly up at him. Something feels off to Joe. “Hey, Rami, what’s later?” he asks again, softly, wondering if Ben had promised to tell Rami about whatever...this is.

Rami gently clears his throat and then turns a bit closer to him so that he can speak quietly. “I asked him how Gwil was,” he replies, barely above a whisper. “In London.”

“Oh,” Joe says, nodding understandingly. “He seems fine to me.” He seems more than fine, Joe thinks, but he doesn’t say it.

“Yeah, but,” Rami shrugs. “I just want to be sure. If he’s not okay, he probably won’t tell me.”

“I get it,” Joe says, giving him a smile, stepping up to the counter to order.

Rami looks over at Ben and Gwil again, now standing by each other as Ben pays for both of their meals. Gwil leans down to say something again and Ben smiles up at him, before quickly looking away. Rami studies them both for a moment longer, before getting distracted when Joe reaches back to guide him up to the counter.

“You gotta pick a bread,” Joe says, keeping an eye on his own sub in the oven,

“Oh, sorry,” Rami says to the man behind the counter. “I’ve never been here before,” he explains. 

“Get the Italian,” Joe says suddenly, a wide grin on his face. “The _hearty_ Italian.”

Rami chuckles and rolls his eyes. “Uh, the…well, maybe, that,” he says, tapping at a picture on the display case. “Flatbread, please.”

“Ugh, that’s no fun,” Joe groans, before turning back to the counter, starting to pick his vegetables.

Ben and Gwil take a seat at one of the small tables, waiting for Joe and Rami to finish up their order, Ben with the straw of his Pepsi Max in his mouth, watching Gwil playing with his watch, still trying to get used to all the features. 

Rami takes a deep breath, blowing it out as he looks at all the vegetable options in front of him, feeling a bit overwhelmed. He smiles at the man behind the counter, and then just shrugs. “Sorry, there’s a lot. Just a moment?” He bites on his lip. “Um, lettuce, and tomatoes, and lots of olives, please.”

“Oh god,” Joe says, looking over at Rami from where he’s paying for their meals. “Really?”

“I love olives,” Rami says. “Olives are important in Egypt. My mother always had a bowl of olives on the table. And my grandfather drank olive oil every day.”

Joe’s eyes widen a bit at then, but he sighs. “Dammit, I can’t argue with that,” he says. “Okay, fine. Fine! But it’s just because you’re cute.”

Rami looks away at that, glancing back over his shoulder at Ben and Gwil. Gwil’s looked up from his watch as he listens to Rami and Joe, and he gives Rami a smile. Rami smiles back nervously, and then looks away. He and Joe grabs their sandwiches and get their drinks, then head back outside, followed by Ben and Gwil. “Gwil?” he asks. 

“Yeah?” Gwil asks, glancing back from where he’s opening the car door for Ben.

“Can I sit with you?” Rami asks. “In the back? I’ve just…missed you, is all.”

Gwil watches Rami for a moment and then smiles wide, nodding. “Get in here,” he says, stepping back, letting Rami climb in the back. Gwil shuts the door for him and then walks around the car to the other side, looking over at Ben and Joe, who are watching him back. Ben’s smiling, but Joe’s eyes are narrowed. “Oh, calm down,” Gwil says to Joe, climbing in the car. He smiles over at Rami and reaches out with his arm, pulling him in closely. “I missed you too,” he says.

Joe and Ben get into the front seat, and Joe starts the car, starting the drive back to… “Wait,” Joe says suddenly, “where are we going?” he asks, putting his hands on the wheel.

“Let’s go to theirs,” Ben says, taking another drink, “makes more sense.”

“Sounds good,” Joe replies, and then just begins manually driving instead.

“How was it?” Rami asks a moment, looking up at him. 

“Which part?” Gwil asks. “The city itself is lovely. Still the same as ever, really. Loads of people, just everywhere. But really, when Ben and I stepped off the tube, it was…I knew exactly where I was, how to get to the office. Nothing’s changed. I quite liked that.”

“Yeah?” Rami asks, and Gwil nods. “How were you, though?”

Gwil sighs, looking away for a moment. 

“Did something happen?” Rami asks quietly, reaching out to Gwil. 

Gwil clears his throat gently. “I, uh…why don’t we get back to the flat and eat first?” he suggests nervously. “We can talk about everything after. I want to hear what you two got up to, as well.”

“Alright,” Rami says, nodding. He shifts in his seat, but he stays pressed to Gwil’s side.

They sit in silence until the car pulls up in front of Rami and Gwil’s building. They all grab their food, including Joe’s box of cupcakes, and Joe pops the boot so that Gwil can get his bag out. They head upstairs, Rami rushing ahead a bit to have the door unlocked and opened for the rest of them. 

“Home sweet home,” Gwil announces, toeing off his shoes, looking around as he walks straight to his bedroom so he can set his bag down.

“I’m starving,” Joe says, opening the refrigerator to set the box of cupcakes inside, then moving over to the kitchen table, sitting down with his Subway.

Gwil comes back out his room, his laptop in his hands, and he sets it down on the counter before taking a seat beside Joe.

Joe looks up in surprise, taking a sip of his drink, but then he turns and smiles when he sees Rami sit down across from him. Ben sits across from Gwil, and then smiles over at him as well. “Alright,” Joe says, lifting his drink, “cheers, cheers.”

The other three all lift their cups, saying ‘cheers’ and tapping them against each other, before starting to dig into their sandwiches.

“So,” Ben says after a couple quiet minutes of the four of them just eating, “what happened in Perth while we were gone?” He glances over at Gwil knowingly.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Joe says in between his chewing, glancing over at Rami, “I’m sure London was a _lot_ more interesting.” He’s trying to deflect from him and Rami, but he’s also desperate to know if something happened that’s made Ben and Gwil so much…friendlier than when they left.

“Not for me,” Ben says. “I’m sorry, did you want a rundown of the committee meeting?”

“Well,” Joe says, “I am your assistant so maybe that is for the best. I’d like to be up-to-date. Did you take minutes?”

“Did you ask Rami out?” Ben asks immediately.

Joe’s mouth falls open a bit in surprise, and he looks over at Rami, unsure of what to say.

Rami smiles and looks down at his sandwich, taking a small bite. He blushes a bit and then takes a sip of his drink. “Actually, I asked him,” Rami says softly, and Ben and Gwil both look over at him in surprise.

“Beg pardon?” Gwil asks.

“Really?” Ben says. “I thought for sure it’d be the other way around.”

Rami shrugs, and takes another bite. He looks over at Joe, who’s got a faint smile on his face at this point, and nods.

Joe seems to understand what Rami’s saying, and he nods, looking over at Ben. “Well, not that it’s any of your business,” he says, and Ben scoffs, rolling his eyes, “but, he kissed me.”

This time it’s Ben whose mouth drops open in a surprise, and he looks at Gwil. “Gwil, did you— did you hear what he just said?” he asks. 

“I did,” Gwil says, leaning back in his chair a bit. He looks over at Rami, who’s still smiling, but looking at Gwil a bit nervously. Like he’s unsure of what Gwil will say.

Ben catches the look and then shifts in his seat. “Uh, maybe we should— talk about something else?” he suggests. “London, maybe?”

“Why?” Joe asks, frowning, though that is definitely a topic he wants to get into with Ben once they’re alone. Ben tilts his head towards Rami, and Joe follows the gesture, but he still looks confused.

“Uh, actually, can Gwil and I talk alone for a moment?” Rami asks, pushing his chair back from the table.

“Sure,” Ben says quickly, watching Gwil stand up as well. He follows Rami into his bedroom, and Gwil shuts the door behind them.

“What’s going on?” Joe asks immediately, turning to Ben.

“I forgot that he didn’t tell Gwil,” Ben says.

Joe frowns. He meant, _what’s going on with you and Gwil?_ “Tell Gwil what?” Joe asks.

“That he’s gay,” Ben says quietly, leaning forward across the table.

“Wait, what?” Joe asks, straightening up a bit.

In Rami’s bedroom, Rami looks over at Gwil, then slowly sits down on his bed, taking a deep breath. Gwil sits down next to him, reaching out to put his hand on Rami’s knee. Rami quickly reaches out, grabbing onto Gwil’s hand, squeezing it gently. 

“Gwil?” Rami says, looking over at him.

Gwil nods, waiting for Rami to continue.

“I don’t know how to tell you this,” Rami says, shifting a bit uncomfortably, but he keeps holding onto Gwil’s hand. 

“It’s alright,” Gwil assures him.

Rami just shakes his head. “It’s not. I should— I should have told you already, years ago.”

“It’s okay,” Gwil says. “Rami, I know.”

“But I never actually _told_ you,” Rami says. “I never said it out loud. And— and you’re my best mate and we share everything, and I didn’t tell you. I was so scared and I— I should have said. I’m sorry.” He takes a deep breath. “Gwil, I’m a…" He frowns. "I’m gay. That’s what Ben says it’s called now.”

Gwil nods. “That’s alright, Rami,” he says, smiling at him.

“And I really fancy Joe,” Rami continues. “And he— can you believe that he— me too?”

Gwil nods, chuckling. “I can, yes. It was fairly obvious.”

Rami starts laughing softly. “Yeah, I— I kissed him.”

“Yeah?” Gwil asks. “As soon as we left the train station?”

Rami laughs again, shaking his head. “No, not then,” he says.

“Oh, you made it home first then,” Gwil says, teasingly.

Rami looks down at his lap, smiling. “It was Thursday night. We saw a film together.”

“Yeah?” Gwil says. “And you’re— happy, yes?”

Rami nods eagerly, his smile growing. “It’s not any different so far,” he says. “It’s easier, maybe. Now that I know, and he knows. I was so worried that he’d…”

“Rami, any bloke would be lucky to have you,” Gwil says, squeezing Rami’s knee a bit. “And Joe— I think he’s fancied you since the absolute start. I can see it in his eyes. So can Ben. We both knew.”

“Are you angry with me?” Rami asks softly.

Gwil shakes his head quickly. “No, not at all. No. I…admit that…when I realized you had feelings for him, and that you hadn’t told me, I was a bit hurt that you thought maybe you couldn’t trust me, but Rami, I’m not angry. I couldn’t be. I’m really happy for you, mate.”

“Yeah?” Rami asks, looking up at his eyes. “Really?”

Gwil nods, pulling Rami in for a hug. “Rami, I— after everything, after we’ve lost so much, I— I’m _so_ happy you’ve found Joe. I really am.”

“He’s really nice,” Rami says softly, pressing his face to Gwil’s chest.

“I can’t wait to get to know him better,” Gwil says. “Of course, I’ll have to threaten his life a bit first. Just so he knows where he stands.”

Rami chuckles softly. “He wants me to call him my boyfriend,” he says, pulling back a bit. “Can you believe it?”

Gwil grins down at him. “Perfect,” he says. “Rami, I’m— I’m _really_ happy. I promise. I…can see how much you care about him. And how much he cares about you.”

Rami blinks his eyes quickly, reaching up to wipe at them. “I…never thought that…and now.” He takes a deep shaky breath. “He…I wouldn’t have met him, otherwise.”

Gwil swallows hard, and nods slowly. “I know that,” he says quietly.

“I know that’s not fair,” Rami says. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry to be happy that we came here when I know you’re—” Rami’s voice breaks and his shoulders start to shake a bit as he tries to stifle his cries. “I know how much it hurts you, and I miss my family so much, but— if we’d stayed, I’d…never feel like this.”

“I know,” Gwil says again. “That’s okay, Rami, I don’t blame you. I understand completely.” He sniffles as well, giving Rami a weak smile. “There’s something I wanted to tell you about,” he says. “I was going to do it later, after Ben and Joe left, but.”

“What is it?” Rami asks. He wonders what Gwil's referring to. He caught the looks between him and Ben as well.

Gwil shifts on the bed, looking down at his lap. “It’s Roger,” he says.

“Oh,” Rami says, quickly reaching out to Gwil. “What is it?”

Gwil opens his mouth to speak but then he shakes his head, changing his mind. “No, I— no. Let’s leave it, yeah? Let’s go back out there and eat Joe’s cupcakes and celebrate.”

“No, Gwil, what happened?” Rami asks.

Gwil just wipes at his eyes and shakes his head again, standing up. “No, it’s okay. Today should be happy, yeah? Come on. We’ve got to get you back out there with your boyfriend.”

“Are you sure?” Rami asks, still sitting on the bed, looking up at him. “Gwil, I—”

Gwil pulls open the bedroom door, holding it open for Rami. “Come on,” he says, “get out there.”

Rami slowly stands, keeping an eye on Gwil as he walks by him, heading back out into the flat. 

“Everything okay?” Joe asks, pushing himself up a bit.

“Fine, yeah,” Gwil says, following behind Rami. “This calls for celebration, yeah?” he says, going to the refrigerator. “Cupcakes, anyone?”

Rami walks over to Joe and leans against him for a moment, squeezing his hand. 

“What’s wrong?” Joe asks softly.

“I don’t know,” Rami says, glancing over at Ben. “Something happened.”

Ben shifts in his seat, looking away from Rami.

Joe frowns, and then glances back at Gwil. “Gwil, you alright?” he asks.

“Fine,” Gwil says, walking back over to the table with the box of cupcakes in his hands. “Come on, I want to hear more about this,” he says. “Rami said you went to see a film?” He takes his seat across from Ben, offering the box out to him.

“Uh, yeah,” Joe says, slowly sitting back down. He reaches out to grab a cupcake out of the box, slowly peeling off the paper. “Uh, yeah!” he says, a bit more enthusiastically, looking over at Rami. “Yeah, we—uh, a horror movie. It was Rami’s idea, actually. We watched the first one on Wednesday, after you guys left.”

“Great,” Gwil says, nodding. 

“Yeah, and uh, Thursday, we went out for lunch, we went for a walk, went to the museum, we went to the movies,” Joe continues. “And then afterward, Rami uh, Rami put the moves on me.”

“Shut up,” Rami says, chuckling softly, finally sitting back down.

“It was pretty great, not gonna lie,” Joe says. “I uh,” he glances over at Rami. “I didn’t think he liked me.”

Ben snorts with laughter. “Are the two of you blind?” he asks. “I’m just wondering. You were both so obvious.”

“Well, _sorry_ ,” Joe says. He’s wondering if he could say the same thing to Ben right now, though. “Rami’s, uh, he’s cute, and smart, I mean, he’s an astronaut. He went to another planet! He knows more than I’ll ever know. What he’s gonna do with a guy like me?”

“Joe, stop it,” Rami says, picking the paper off his own cupcake, bringing his fingers up to his mouth to lick off the crumbs.

“Well, I think it’s great,” Ben says, reaching over to pat Rami on the shoulder a couple times. “Rami, thank you for making my friend happy while I was away.”

“He makes me happy too,” Rami says, and Ben grins.

“Okay, I’m gonna eat one of these bloody cupcakes,” Ben says, finally reaching out to take one out of the box. “You guys are too much.”

“I want to hear all about London, though,” Rami says eagerly. “What did you do?”

“I did nothing,” Ben says, stretching back in his seat, eating just the frosting off his cupcake. “Boring committee meetings.”

“Gwil?” Rami asks, turning towards him. “What about you?”

“Uh,” Gwil looks over at Ben, who is watching him back, unsure of what to say. “Uh, it’s— well, it’s sort of depressing— actually, Ben, uh, show Rami, the uh, the wheel. On your phone.”

“The wheel?” Rami repeats, looking at Ben.

Ben frowns, but takes out his phone anyway, scrolling back through his pictures. “Uh, the Eye,” he says to Rami, showing him his phone. "The London Eye, here."

“Oh, wow,” Rami says, carefully taking Ben’s phone from him. “I’d love to see how they built that,” he says to himself softly. “Where’s this?” he asks.

“Right by the IIS,” Gwil replies.

“Really?” Rami says. “It looks so pretty. Did you ride it?” he asks, looking back up at Gwil.

“Uh, no,” Gwil says, shaking his head.

“Oh,” Rami says, a bit disappointed.

“We got in too late,” Ben says, “it was almost closed.”

“The trains are fantastic, though,” Gwil says. “They’re really something.”

“I can imagine,” Rami says, handing Ben’s phone back over. “I can’t believe you got to London so quickly. I really can’t.”

Gwil smiles at Rami, then picks up his cupcake, taking another bite, before having a sip of his drink.

“But, what about your family?” Rami asks. “Did you see where they were buried?”

“Hm, oh, yes,” Gwil nods, hoping that Rami would change the subject.

“Where?” Rami asks.

“Uh, back home,” Gwil replies. “Sutton Coldfield. Uh, not my brothers, but Mam, and Tad, and Rhiannon.”

“We took them flowers,” Ben says, giving Rami a quick smile.

“Oh, lovely,” Rami says. “And, what about—”

“Later,” Gwil says quickly.

“Right,” Rami says, looking away.

Gwil takes a deep breath, drumming his fingers on the table a couple times before glancing down at his watch. “Actually, um, you’ll have to excuse me,” he says, pushing his chair back from the table. “I’m— I’m going to shower, I think. Head to bed. I’m tired.”

“Right, we should go,” Ben says, standing up. “Uh, Joe?”

“Sure,” Joe says, watching Gwil for a moment before glancing back at Ben. 

Ben walks over to Gwil and pulls him into a hug. “Goodnight, Gwil,” he says softly.

“Goodnight,” Gwil says, giving Ben a pat on the back, holding him for just a moment too long. “Bye,” Gwil says to Joe, turning and walking into the bathroom, pulling the door closed heavily behind him.

“What happened?” Rami says immediately, going over to Ben.

“It’s not my place,” Ben says, walking over to the door, sliding his shoes on.

“He said it was about Roger,” Rami says, and Ben bites down on his lip. “What happened?”

“He’ll— just ask him,” Ben says. “I think he’s a bit…embarrassed to talk about it again in front of me. And he doesn’t want to ruin your good news. He’s okay. Just tired.”

“Okay,” Rami says, still a bit unsure.

“Goodnight, Rami,” Ben says, giving him a wave as he slips out the door. “Joe, I’ll be downstairs.”

“Yeah, just a sec,” Joe says. He sighs and turns to Rami, pulling him into a hug. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” he asks, and Rami nods. “Just give him a minute, but he’ll talk to you, I’m sure.”

“Okay,” Rami says, nodding. He steps back then nervously looks up at him, before giving him a quick kiss. “Goodnight,” he says.

“Bye,” Joe says, stepping out into the hallway. Once he gets outside, he sees Ben standing by the car, a cigarette in his mouth, just about to light it. “What the hell happened in London?” he asks, getting into the car.

“Nothing,” Ben says, plucking the cigarette out of his mouth, still unlit, climbing into the car.

“Really?” Joe asks. He starts the car, heading back towards their flat. “I mean— I think it’d be impossible for you two to be anymore awkward, like, what— oh my god.”

“Wait, what?” Ben asks. “I thought you were talking about what happened with Roger. What are you talking about?”

“Did you guys fuck?” Joe asks, looking at Ben, eyes wide.

“No!” Ben says quickly. “No, oh my god, Joe, I can’t— are you joking?”

“Well, I don’t know!” Joe says. “I mean, you come back, you’re looking at each other like that—”

“Like what?” Ben interrupts.

“Oh, come on,” Joe says, “like…the way you were looking at each other. And then I don’t know, Rami and I said we were dating and it got all weird.”

Ben sighs. “He— he got married,” he says finally.

“Gwil?” Joe asks loudly. “To who?”

“No, not Gwil!” Ben says. “Roger. We— we went to— well, _he_ went to Roger’s grave, and I was waiting for him, and when he came back he was crying like, harder than I’ve ever seen anybody cry before, I didn’t know what to do or say, and— Roger got married.”

“Oh, shit,” Joe says. “When?”

“1945,” Ben replies. “After the war, I’m guessing. I don’t know.”

“They were declared dead in—”

“1944, yeah, I know,” Ben says. “So does Gwil. He— he was talking about how— I don’t know. How he broke his promise to Roger about coming back, and how he lied, and how upset Roger must’ve been. He thinks it means he didn’t love him.”

“Wait, did he marry a woman?” Joe asks.

“Obviously, Joe,” Ben says.

“Well, yeah, obviously, I just— assumed Roger was gay, I don’t know,” Joe says. “I just…fuck. He finds out the love of his life got married to someone else and then he comes back and finds out his best friend is dating— me. Fuck. No wonder he’s in a mood.”

“He’ll be fine,” Ben says. “He— really. I think he’s just tired, he— he was doing well earlier today. It wasn’t so bad. It just— I guess tonight was a lot.”

“And what about you?” Joe asks, looking over at him.

“What about me?” Ben asks.

“Well, you know,” Joe says, gesturing around the car.

“I honestly don’t,” Ben says. “What are you talking about?”

“I mean, the looks,” Joe says, shrugging.

“There are no looks, Joe, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Mm-hmm,” Joe says. “You sure?”

“I’m fine,” Ben says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Wish I was having that smoke, right about now. There are no looks.”

“Okay, fine,” Joe says. “No looks.”

“Thank you,” Ben says, shaking his head. 

“Are _you_ mad at me too?” Joe asks. 

“For what, Joe?” Ben asks, looking over at him.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know. You— I’m…dating Rami, now.”

“Yeah?” Ben asks. “And I’m happy for you. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know,” Joe says.

Ben groans. “Because I’m single? Goddamn, it’s literally coming at me from all sides. I knew that this was coming. No, Joe, I’m not jealous, I’m not lonely. I’m happy for you and Rami. And anyway, there’s something in my bag you can give to your boyfriend next time you see him.”

“What is it?” Joe asks.

Ben just sighs. “I found it in the archives when I was there with Gwil. It’s not much, but maybe it’ll help. Tell him it’s from you.”

“Well, he’ll know that’s a lie,” Joe says.

Ben shrugs. “Who cares, it’ll make him happy.” He sighs. “I can tell what you’re thinking, and I’m fine.”

“Okay, okay,” Joe says, raising his hands in surrender. “Everybody’s fine, everybody’s tired, nobody's mad at me. We’ll all be better in the morning. I hope. Jesus.”

Ben brings his thumb up to his mouth, starting to gnaw a bit around the skin there, the fingers on his other hand nervously drumming into his thigh.

\+ + + + +

After drying off and getting into his pyjamas, Gwil sticks his head out of his bedroom door, looking around. The lights in the flat are off, and Rami’s door is closed, but Gwil can see a bit of light shining underneath. He sighs and walks over, gently knocking on it.

“Come in,” Rami calls, and Gwil pushes the door open. Rami’s sitting on his bed in his pyjamas, laptop open, earbud in. “Feeling better?” he asks.

Gwil smiles and nods, closing the door behind him. “Can I, can I sit?” he asks, gesturing towards Rami’s bed.

“Of course,” Rami says. He closes his laptop and takes out his earbuds, moving everything to the floor.

“I uh, wanted to apologize,” Gwil says, taking a seat at the head of the bed by Rami, bringing his legs up. “I…think I behaved poorly tonight. I ruined things. I didn’t mean to."

"You didn't," Rami assures him. "I promise. It's just been a long few days, and you're tired. Are you alright?"

Gwil smiles at Rami gratefully. "I was fine, I am fine, honestly. Ben and I had a lovely day in Sutton, and I— I’m glad to be home, I’m happy to see you.”

“So what happened?” Rami asked. “Is it Joe and I? Are you upset with us?”

Gwil shakes his head. “No, I’m not. Not with you. I’m really not. I’m happy, like I said. Anybody could tell that you fancied him, and he fancied you. It was only a matter of time.”

Rami smiles. “All the things he said about me at supper, I— I still can’t believe he feels that way. I was so scared to tell him, I thought he’d laugh at me, and I didn’t want to ruin things.”

“You could never,” Gwil says, settling against Rami’s headboard, reaching back to adjust one of the pillows. 

“Did something happen with Ben?” Rami asks.

“Ben?” Gwil repeats. “No, it’s uh…it’s Roger,” he says.

“Right,” Rami nods. “What happened?” he asks, resting a bit against Gwil.

“I went to see him,” Gwil says. “Not— him, obviously, his grave. And he…” Gwil takes a deep breath, slowly blowing it out. “He got married.”

“Oh, Gwil,” Rami says, reaching out to him. “Oh god, I’m so sorry.”

Tears immediately come to Gwil’s eyes, and he nods. “It’s uh, it’s alright, though. I’m sure he was happy.”

“Gwil, I’m sorry,” Rami says again. “I’m sorry you had to see that. And then to come back and have Joe and I—”

Gwil shakes his head. “No, no, it’s…not you, I promise. It’s…me. I blame myself, really. Roger didn’t want me to go. He begged me to stay. He _begged_. And I didn’t. I left. Him. I left him. He must’ve thought I didn't really care about him.”

“No,” Rami says, shaking his head. “No, that’s not true. I knew Roger, I know how happy he was for you, for us.”

Gwil shakes his head again. “I promised I’d be back, and I wasn’t. I left him. And he died— I don’t know, hating me, probably. Or not. Maybe happy that I was gone and he didn’t— um, I just. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be,” Rami assures him. “Gwil, I can’t imagine. I’m the one who’s sorry, I wish I’d gone, I wish I could’ve been there for you. I should’ve been, I shouldn’t’ve— I was selfish for wanting to stay here. I should’ve been there for you, instead of just...flirting with Joe.”

“It’s alright,” Gwil says, reaching up to wipe at his face. “Uh, Ben was there. He’s— you’re right, he’s brilliant. We talked quite a bit. He’s a good chap.”

Rami smiles. “He is, isn't it? I quite like him.”

Gwil nods. “Yeah, he— he found out where Roger was buried for me, and where my parents were buried, and— well, you'll never believe it, he found the most wonderful letters for me, in the archives. From my mam.”

“Really?” Rami asks. “She wrote you letters?”

Gwil nods. “Yeah, until she died. 1943. Tad died in 1940. After we were supposed to be back, but still. I think…maybe he thought— maybe both of them thought we were fine. I brought them home on my computer. Ben helped me with it. And Ben was there too, after I saw Rog. Tried to tell me it wasn’t my fault.”

“That’s because it’s not,” Rami says. “Gwil, we did nothing wrong. It was our job, and we were happy to do it. I know I was.”

Gwil shrugs. “Well, I disagree, but, thank you anyway.” He sighs, shaking his head slowly. “I think it’s just…I know now. That he’s gone. He’s dead. And not just that, he moved on, yeah? He wasn’t sitting around for forty years waiting for me to come back. He got married, probably had a bunch of children. Maybe it’s time for me to stop missing him so much. It won’t change anything.”

“Gwil, it’s still alright to miss him,” Rami says. “You were with him for years, and we’ve— we’ve barely been back. You still love him.”

“I do,” Gwil nods. “But…every time I think I think about him, it just hurts me so much, so...”

“Gwil, don’t say that,” Rami says. “I don’t want you to stop thinking about him. I want you to be happy and think of the times you shared together, not— not just forget them.”

Gwil makes a small noise and shrugs, then sniffles. He looks over at Rami, eyes bright with tears. “Can I stay here tonight?” he asks quietly.

“Of course,” Rami says, shifting on the bed to make room. He tugs and pulls at the blankets until they’re both under them, Rami curled up on his side, Gwil resting on his back.

Gwil reaches out to the lamp, switching it off, so the only light is what’s coming in from the window, open to let in the breeze. “Rami?” he asks after a few moments of silence.

“Yes?”

“Just…” Gwil clears his throat and shifts, curling onto his side as well, so he can look at him. “I know I can’t ask this of you,” he says, “but please— please don’t ever leave me.”

“Gwil, I would never,” Rami says, shuffling closer to Gwil to pull him.

“I don’t mean you can never go anywhere,” Gwil says, burying his face in Rami’s neck, “or— I don’t mean you can’t _leave_ , I just mean, I need you in my life, yeah? You’re the only person I have left, and if I lose you, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Rami nods understandingly. “I need you too,” he says.

“Even with Joe?” Gwil asks.

Rami nods. “You still needed me when you were with Rog, didn’t you?” he asks.

“Yes, of course,” Gwil replies.

“Then yes,” Rami says. “Even with Joe. Besides, he and I, we’re just—”

“No,” Gwil interrupts gently, “it’s not ‘just.’ I can tell.”

Rami doesn’t know what to say, so the two of them are quiet for a few more moments while he thinks. “But,” he says eventually, “you have Ben now too, right?”

Gwil inhales sharply and snuggles in a bit closer to Rami, not realizing how much he’d missed being close to someone, how lonely he’d really been feeling. He lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes. “Right, Ben,” he says, nodding slowly. “Yes, I suppose I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • the boys are back in town (the boys are back in toooowwwwnnnn)!  
> • Rami, finally out to Gwil!  
> • Joe, as observant as ever!  
> • Ben and Gwil, in denial?  
> • also, I just genuinely hope that people are still enjoying this story, it's certainly stretched out longer than I anticipated.  
> • and I'm fairly certain that it's still just under halfway finished.  
> • I really appreciate and thank everyone who's still reading it and who still get excited when I post.


	18. Chapter 18

“Did you want to come with us?” Rami asks Gwil, tugging on his jacket.

Gwil looks up from his book, peering at Rami over the top of his glasses, shaking his head with a smile. “Uh, I’m not sure that Joe would appreciate me coming on your date,” he says.

“Oh, it’s not,” Rami shakes his head, “it’s just a walk. We’re going to the park.”

“I’m fine,” Gwil assures him. “Have fun, yeah?”

“Alright, if you're sure," Rami says. "Bye." Rami gives Gwil a wave as he slips out the door, tugging it closed behind him. He heads downstairs, smiling as soon as he sees Joe through the front doors. He waves as he steps outside. “Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” Joe says, smiling back. “You good?”

“Mm-hmm,” Rami says. “How are you?”

“Perfect,” Joe says. As they start to walk in the direction of South Inch, Joe swings his arm, reaching out to grab onto Rami’s hand. Rami looks down with a smile. “I have a surprise for you,” Joe says.

“Really?” Rami asks. “What is it?” 

Joe shrugs dramatically. “Oh, I don’t know, really.” He pats his jacket pocket. “Guess we’ll have to wait until we get to the park so I can show you!”

“Well, I hope it's not too much,” Rami says, “I didn’t bring anything for you. I thought we were just going for a walk.”

“Oh, we are,” Joe says. “Don’t worry. I don’t expect any presents or surprises from you. Not yet, anyway. My birthday’s in September, though.” He chuckles, but then frowns suddenly, looking over at Rami. “Uh, hey, when’s yours?” he asks.

“My what?” Rami asks. “Birthday?” 

Joe nods. “Yeah.”

“Oh, the 12th,” Rami replies quietly.

“Yeah, of what though?” Joe asks.

Rami shrugs. “May.”

Joe stops walking, and his arm stretches out until Rami realizes he’s stopped. “But…we missed it,” he says. “It’s June. That— it was a month ago!”

“I know,” Rami says, shrugging. He tugs on Joe’s arm, trying to get him to start walking again. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Joe says. “We just— you were here for it!”

Rami nods. “And I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate. I’m fine,” he assures him. “Come on, I want to keep going. I want to know what you’ve got for me.”

“I’m just, I’m sorry we missed it,” Joe says, finally starting to walk again. “I…I wish I’d known, I would’ve gotten you, I don’t know, a cake or something?”

Rami shakes his head. “No, that’s fine. I didn’t want anything.”

Joe frowns, squeezing Rami’s hand in his. “Don’t you like birthdays?” he asks.

“Not anymore,” Rami says softly. He looks over at Joe, with an almost pleading look, asking him to drop it. Then it sort of hits Joe in the gut, why Rami wouldn’t want to celebrate his birthday. It’s not just his birthday. It’s Sami’s too. 

“Oh, right,” is all that Joe can say, and Rami gives him a thankful look, before glancing away. Joe frowns a bit, thinking about what he’s got in his jacket pocket, and wonders if Rami’s going to want it or not. He worries all the way to the park. It’s not busy today, and the two of them walk along slowly together, taking in the sights and the sounds. Even when there’s nothing to do, Joe just enjoys being outside. He imagines Rami feels the same, after a year on a spaceship. 

“Come on, let’s sit,” Rami says, leading Joe over to one of the benches on the path, smiling over at him. “I want to see,” he says eagerly.

Joe frowns and reaches into his pocket. When Ben pulled it out of his bag, Joe thought it was amazing, and couldn’t thank Ben enough for bringing it home with him; he didn’t know how Ben had managed to sneak it out. He takes a deep breath and pulls out the journal. It’s small, black, bound in leather. He looks down at in his hands.

“What is it?” Rami asks, leaning forward. “A new book?” he asks.

Joe shakes his head. “No, it’s a— a journal,” he says. “From the IIS.”

Rami frowns, but reaches out anyway. “Can I see?” he asks, before taking it out of Joe’s hands.

“Of course,” Joe says, nodding. “It’s yours.”

Rami smiles at him and leans against his shoulder, opening it slowly. He flips through a couple of pages quickly, then stops and stares at it. He immediately recognizes the handwriting; it’s similar to his own, but just different enough. It’s his brother’s. “Oh my god,” he says softly, reaching up to run his fingers over the ink, but then he stops, withdrawing his hand, as if afraid to touch it, as if he wipe away Sami’s thoughts and words. “Joe, I— what is this?” he asks, looking up at him, eyes filled with tears.

“It’s from the IIS,” Joe says again. “Ben found it.”

“In the archives?” Rami asks. Joe nods. “Like Gwil’s letters. But…he— this is the real journal. This isn’t a copy, he…”

“Okay, kind of stole it, yeah,” Joe admits, huffing a quiet laugh. “Don’t turn him in, okay? He wouldn’t do well in prison.”

“But—” Rami just shakes his head in disbelief. Ben would do that for him? “How? Why?”

“Because he wanted you to have it,” Joe says, shrugging. “He said copying the whole thing would take too long. It’s basically yours anyway.”

“No, it’s not,” Rami says, shaking his head again. “It’s Sami’s.” This is his brother. This small, nondescript journal, it’s Sami. Speaking to him from a hundred years ago.

“Yeah, but it’s for you,” Joe says softly. “He wrote it for you.”

“Did you read it?” Rami asks, looking up at him.

“No, not the whole thing,” Joe replies. “I looked at it, to see what was in it, but no. I wouldn’t do that.”

Rami reaches up, wiping at his nose as he flips back to the first page. It’s a journal entry, dated less than a week after the Mercury left in April 1939, even before they lost communication. Rami smiles in disbelief and then his shoulders start to shake as he starts to cry. It starts off with Sami saying _‘hello’_ and _‘I miss you’_ to him, and then it’s immediately followed by an insult. Rami smiles at that through his tears.

“I probably shouldn’t’ve given it to you in public,” Joe says, wrapping his arm around Rami, pulling him. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don't be. Thank you,” Rami says, sniffling. He settles against Joe’s side, starting to read it to himself. Sami talks about their mother and Yasmine, who apparently came to visit Sami in Perth not longer after Rami left, so that he wouldn’t have to be alone. That makes Rami smile, but it also makes his heart ache. What he wouldn’t give to see them again. He’s happy to know that they came to Perth, though; they were usually content to stay in London and have the boys come visit them.

Joe settles back against the bench, lifting his arm up a bit so that he can start to play with Rami’s curly black hair as he reads. He looks around the park, then leans in, pressing a kiss to the top of Rami’s head.

Rami’s reading a paragraph about the reaction to the BIS losing communication with the Mercury, and how worried they all were that something had happened, when he suddenly looks up at Joe. “Do you want me to read it to you?” he asks.

Joe smiles. “Not if you don’t want to,” he says. “You should read it first. Give me the highlights later.”

“I think he’d really like you,” Rami says. It’s mostly true; he does think that Sami would like Joe, though he’s also sure that Sami would have teased both of them relentlessly for being so obvious about their feelings for each other. Maybe some thinly veiled threats that Sami would pass off as jokes. Rami looks back down at the journal, flipping the page. He’d wondered how the BIS reacted when they lost communication, and now he knows. With no other sign to indicate that something had gone wrong, the BIS was content to continue as if the mission was still ongoing, assuming what they aboard the Mercury had assumed, it was just a problem with the range of their communication systems, which had never been tested at such a distance. Sami seemed worried, but alright, confident they'd return.

“Yeah, how come?” Joe asks.

Rami shrugs. “Because I like you,” he says simply. And it’s true. He still can’t believe that he can say that out loud now. A hundred years ago, the two of them curled up on a bench like this in Perth…well, Rami thinks they’d be lucky to get out of it alive, depending on who was in the park that day. A small fear still blooms in his chest, but he remembers Ben’s words, Joe’s words. It’s different now. 

Joe smiles. “I like you, too,” he says.

Rami shifts on the bench so that he can rest more of his weight against Joe, bringing his feet up. “Is this boring you?” he asks. He has to imagine that it is, but he doesn’t plan on stopping. He wants to read the whole thing before he and Joe have to get off that bench. He wants to inhale every word that Sami has to say.

Joe shakes his head and tilts his head back, looking up at the tree above them. “Not even a little bit,” he says.

They stay in the park, curled up together on the bench together, until Rami finishes with the last page of the journal, closing it. When he looks up, Joe is looking down, holding his phone in his right hand, playing on it. Rami pushes himself up, stretching out his arms and his back, and then turns, leaning his head on Joe’s shoulder, looking down at his phone.

“What are you doing?” he asks quietly.

“Baseball news,” Joe says, finishing the line he’s reading before turning off his phone and turning back to Rami. “How was it?” he asks, looking down at the journal.

Rami just smiles and nods, leaning in to give Joe a kiss. “Thank you,” he says quietly, pulling back.

“You gonna kiss Ben thank you too?” Joe jokes, and Rami grins, shaking his head. “Okay, good, I wouldn’t be able to stand it. I bet he’s a good kisser.”

“Shut up,” Rami says, playfully hitting Joe on the chest. “Do you want to read it?” he asks.

“What, now?” Joe asks.

Rami shakes his head. “No, just…in general.”

“Yeah, I’d like to read it with you,” Joe says. “When you’re ready, I’d like to hear all I can about your family.”

“You know a lot already,” Rami points out.

Joe nods. “But I don’t know anything in that journal. I don’t know anything after April 1939, really. I’d like to hear it.”

Rami nods. “I’m gonna read it a couple more times, but then I want to share it with you, okay?” he asks.

Joe smiles. “That sounds perfect,” he says. He groans loudly, stretching his arms above his head. “While you were reading, I was doing some thinking,” he says.

“Oh?” Rami asks.

“Yeah, are you hungry?” Joe asks.

Rami frowns. “That’s what you were thinking about?” he asks.

“Well, I can multitask!” Joe says. “ _Yes_ , I was thinking about food. So?”

Rami shrugs, glancing down at his watch. “Alright,” he says.

“Okay, great,” Joe says, pushing himself up. 

Rami stands up, holding on tight to the journal with one hand, reaching out to take Joe’s hand with the other.

“Now,” Joe says as they start to walk on the path out of the park, back into the city. “I was thinking.”

“You said,” Rami says, shaking his head in amusement.

“I know you said what you said earlier,” Joe says awkwardly, earning a glance from Rami, “but…maybe, and feel free to say no, what would you think about a birthday dinner?” he asks.

Rami frowns, looking down at the ground as they walk. 

“It wouldn’t be a whole big thing,” Joe says, “just the four of us. We wouldn’t even have to go out, it could just be at my apartment. Or yours. Wherever. I just— feel bad. I just feel bad that we didn’t celebrate your birthday.” Rami’s grip on Joe’s hand loosens a bit, and Joe squeezes his fingers. He’s relieved when he feels Rami squeeze back. “I know why you don’t want to, obviously,” Joe continues. “So if you say no, it’ll be no, and I’ll stop. But if you want to, I can throw something together for you. And Sami.”

Rami looks over at him. “What do you mean?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “It’s his birthday too, right? I can…we can figure out something to do for him too. In celebration of you both. That might be okay, yeah?”

Rami thinks for a moment, swinging their arms between them, until finally he nods. “Okay,” he says.

“Really?” Joe asks in surprise.

Rami nods again. “If— if it’s just us four.”

“I literally don’t know anyone else here,” Joe says.

“And if we don’t have to do it in public,” Rami says.

Joe nods. “Okay, agreed. We’ll pick one of our places, no problem.”

“And if something is there for Sami,” Rami continues.

Joe nods again. “Agreed agreed agreed. All of that sounds good. Anything else?”

Rami frowns for a moment, thinking. “I know it might be difficult,” he says, “but…I’d like something there to be Egyptian.”

“You mean to eat?” Joe asks. Rami nods. “Oh yes!” Joe says, letting go of Rami to clap his hands together. “I can do that. I would _love_ to do that. Oh yeah, I’m gonna make something good, just you wait.”

Rami laughs softly. “Really? You don’t mind?” he asks.

“No way!” Joe says. “I mean, I admit, never been there, definitely not my area of expertise, but hell yeah I wanna try! I can’t believe you trust me that much.”

Rami smiles over at him. “Neither can I, but…I do,” he says softly, pulling Joe in for a kiss.

Joe smiles as he pulls back. “I like how much you like doing that now,” he says.

“It doesn’t bother you?” Rami asks.

Joe shakes his head quickly. “Kissing you? Uh, nope, not even a little bit.”

“In public, I mean,” Rami says quietly.

Joe shakes his head again. “I mean, I’m not the type for like, _full-on_ PDA, like, keep your hands to yourself, Rami, but a little kiss, yeah, why not? Nobody here cares.”

“PDA?” Rami asks.

“Public displays of affection,” Joe says. 

“Oh,” Rami says, nodding, “right. Well, I don’t mind kissing you either.”

Joe chuckles and then kisses Rami once more before they start walking again. It’s only a moment before he feels Rami’s hand reaching out to his again, and Joe smiles over at him, getting a shy but happy smile back.

\+ + + + +

Ben can’t stop shifting, moving around the flat. He feels unsettled. He’d already gone for a run today, feeling the need to go as fast as he can for as long as he could, until he started to feel the burn in his lungs and in his legs. By the time he’d gotten back, Joe had left to pick up Rami, which was fine with him. Ben doesn’t know what’s going on in his head. He simultaneously feels like he needs to be alone, but also that he wants to be around someone. He’d taken a shower, his mind racing so much that he’d gotten distracted and stayed in there until the water went cold. That had been a bit of a shock.

When he dried off, he’d pulled on his comfiest clothes, and then dropped down on the sofa. That lasted for a few minutes, watching whatever was on the sports network, before he changed it once, then twice, then finally just gave up and started looking around seeing if anything needed to be tidied up. He just can’t stay focused on anything for more than a minute or two, and he has no idea why. He thinks maybe it’s just boredom. The recent committee meeting aside, he hasn’t been actually _working_ in weeks. He wonders if there’s any reports that he can write, nothing that his supervisor has asked for but that maybe he’d appreciate. Is there research that he can do? 

Ben leans against the counter, thinking for a moment. Maybe he should drive up to the IIS office, and see if there’s anything there that needs to be done. Or, oh! he thinks, he could reach out to the other volunteers, and see how they and the other crew members have been adjusting to Perth thus far. He told them to reach out if there were any issues, and so far, no one has, but that doesn’t mean he can’t reach out to them. He heads into his bedroom and grabs his laptop, bringing it out to sit at the kitchen counter. He opens it, staring at the screen as he drums his fingers over the keys, not typing anything, just thinking. He means to start working on something, but a minute later he realizes that he’s just staring off at something in the kitchen, eyes unfocused. 

Ben sighs, reaching up to scratch at the back of his head. He starts to wonder what Joe and Rami are doing, and then he looks down, seeing a hair on his jumper that he picks off. The run had been distracting; he wonders if two runs in a day in too much? Plus then he’d have to shower again, but maybe it would tire him out enough that he’d be able to nap or something. He stares down at his phone, sitting next to him on the counter, and he starts tapping his fingernail on this laptop.

As Ben had explained to Gwil, normally he was content to spend time on his own. He liked living on his own, it had never bothered him. And now with Joe out for the afternoon and probably into the evening, it was almost sort of like he could pretend that he was living alone again. What did he used to do?

He rubs his stomach for a moment, wondering if he’s starting to get hungry or if he’s just bored. He’s sure there’s lots to eat in the flat, Joe keeps the cupboards and the refrigerator stocked, but Ben isn’t much for cooking. He’s very adamant that he _can_ , he just chooses not to. He thinks he’s starting to go a bit soft around the middle, and maybe the face. Which, for Ben, really isn’t _that_ soft. In London, he spent so much time working that he’d remember to eat lunch and maybe a small supper and not much else, but since moving up to Perth, he’s stopped moving around so much, and is eating well at almost every mea; Joe’s cooking is amazing.

“Holy shit,” Ben mutters, closing his laptop. It’s obvious that he’s not working on anything today. He can’t stop thinking about literally anything else. He looks at his phone again. Is he really that happy to be spending time alone, he wonders. It’s not like he has anybody to call, anyway. He refuses to tag along and third-wheel with Joe and Rami. He thinks back on his conversation with Gwil when they were on the train. He supposes that he could call his parents, or his brother, but what would he even say? He takes a deep breath, trying to think back on the last time he spoke to them. Surely it was his birthday in January; if not, at least Christmas just a couple weeks before. Ben frowns. That is a bit longer than usual, but he’s been busier than usual for weeks now.

Ben’s never had this much free time before in his life. He thinks about when it will be appropriate for him to move back to London. Would it be when Gwil decides he wants to go to London? Or, what if Gwil doesn’t want to? If Gwil stays in Perth, does Ben just…stay there forever with him? What about if Gwil moves somewhere else entirely? Ben imagines that at some point, Rami would move back to London, and honestly Joe would probably just follow him. Ben would follow Joe then, wouldn’t he? Would Gwil follow Rami?

Why can’t Ben stop thinking about what Gwil would want for five bloody seconds now?

Ben looks at his phone again. He can’t just call Gwil up to ask if he wants to hang out, or go out to eat. He’s not sure that they’re at that point in their…friendship? is that what he can call it? yet. He’d probably just be a bother. And Ben remembers Gwil saying that he can cook, and quite well at that. Gwil doesn’t need to go out for all his meals like some people do. Besides, they’ve only just got back from London a couple days ago; surely Gwil is tired of him by now.

No, Ben decides, he’ll just order in. Or no, he should go out and get takeaway. There are plenty of places nearby, and going out for another walk won’t kill him. He finally pushes his chair back from the counter, grabs his keys, wallet, and phone, pulling on his jacket and slipping on his shoes, and heads outside.

He shivers a bit as the air hits his still damp hair, but that’s fine. He’ll be quick. He glances left and right, trying to decide which direction will give him the most success. He’s honestly not even sure what he’s in the mood for. He groans and turns right, starting down the sidewalk. He mostly keeps his head down, glancing up every once in awhile as he passes a restaurant, trying to decide if it’s what he’s in the mood for or not. So far, nothing is catching his eye. That’s alright. He thinks he should avoid South Inch, since running into Joe and Rami just seems strangely unappealing to him right now. He wonders, is he jealous? He doesn’t really think so, it’s not as if he’s been secretly attracted to Rami or Joe this entire time, though he does have to admit that he thinks they’re both great. And cute, sure, but no. He just doesn’t want to intrude. 

Or want Joe to see him alone again and feel bad for him.

Ben is _fine_ being alone, he reminds himself again. He always has been, for years now. And if he can’t make it a goddamn day alone with Joe out of the flat, he’s going to be in for a pretty sorry future, he thinks. He’s just gotten used to being around the other three, that’s all. He’s liked spending time with them more than he ever thought possible. He never really anticipated becoming actual _friends_ with the people on the Mercury. He didn’t think one of them would end up coming out to him, or that he would end up taking daffodils to the grave of one of their sisters, but that’s fine. He’s happy. He really likes Gwil and Rami. _And_ Rami.

Ben can feel Joe in his head now. What was he talking about, Ben and Gwil looking at each other? Ugh, nothing, Ben groans. Nothing, he was just teasing him because Joe’s got love on the brain. Ben feels the exact same way about Gwil as he does about Rami. That’s it.

Ben turns down a street, hurrying along. He’s stopped looking at restaurants as he goes, just moving quickly on the pavement. He has to stop at a crosswalk and then he finally looks up, shoulders sagging a bit when he realizes where he is. He sighs, shaking his head. “Fine,” he mutters to himself, “fine.” He crosses the street and looks up at the building, taking out his phone, going to his contacts. It rings a couple of times before Gwil picks up.

“Hello?” Gwil asks, clearly sounding a bit surprised.

“Uh, hi,” Ben says, leaning against one of the lampposts. “How are you?” he asks.

“Fine,” Gwil replies. “And you?”

“Oh, brilliant,” Ben says. “Um, I’m sorry to just ring you out of the blue, but are you— home?” he asks, rolling his eyes at his own stupidity.

“I am,” Gwil says. “Are you?”

Ben shakes his head. “Uh, no, I’m…out for a walk, actually. I was wondering if you were hungry at all. If not, don’t— don’t worry about it, I’m just—”

“Sure, I could eat,” Gwil replies. “Where do you want to meet?”

Ben smiles, hearing Gwil start to rustle around in the flat, probably getting his shoes on or getting changed. “Uh, just outside is fine.”

“Outside where?” Gwil asks.

“Your flat?” Ben says. “I’m uh, outside your flat.”

There’s a pause for a long moment that makes Ben wonder if Gwil’s just given up and ended the call because clearly Ben’s an idiot, but then Gwil just sort of awkwardly chuckles. “Okay,” Gwil says, “give me a moment, I’ll be right down.”

“Great,” Ben says, sighing as he ends the call. He taps his foot a couple times as he waits, and then just a minute or two later, Gwil is walking out through the front doors, a look of amusement on his face. “Hi,” he says, giving Gwil an awkward wave.

“What was your plan if I’d said no?” Gwil asks, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets.

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know, really. Slink home alone, ashamed and hungry.”

“We could’ve met closer to your flat,” Gwil says.

“Oh, it’s no bother,” Ben replies, “it’s just a short walk anyway. So, you haven’t eaten?”

Gwil shakes his head. “No, not yet, I was reading, actually. Thought about making something, just hadn’t gotten around to it yet.”

“Oh, sorry,” Ben says, awkwardly digging his toe of his trainer into the sidewalk. “I— should’ve asked earlier. If you were busy.”

“It’s alright,” Gwil assures him. “Where did you want to go?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “I honestly hadn’t thought that far ahead,” he admits. “I just— I don’t know, I was going mad in the flat, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t watch the tele, I just needed to get out, you know?”

“You miss Joe that much?” Gwil asks teasingly.

Ben smiles and shakes his head. “I don’t know if I’d say that, but maybe.”

“Alright, well,” Gwil says, looking around. “Come on this way then.” He starts walking down the sidewalk, glancing back at Ben.

Ben smiles gratefully and hurries the couple steps to catch up with him, falling in alongside him. “Do you know where we’re going?” he asks.

Gwil nods, looking around. “I think so. I saw it on the map,” he says, “I just need to make sure I remember how to get there.”

“Well, I can check on my phone, if you forget,” Ben says, patting his pocket. “Though, I find it hard to believe we’ll get lost in a place like Perth.”

Gwil chuckles softly, taking a turn. “Fair enough,” he says. “So, just not in the mood to cook for yourself?” he asks.

Ben rolls his eyes a bit, ducking his head. “Uh, no,” he replies flatly.

“ _Can_ you cook for yourself?” Gwil asks.

“Of course I can!” Ben says loudly. “I just…don’t see the point, really.”

“Well, I think it’s healthier,” Gwil says. “And it costs less money.”

“Okay, Mum,” Ben says, but he’s smiling. “I know that. Maybe I just enjoy the company?” he says. That part is true.

Gwil shrugs. “You could’ve cooked and invited me over.”

“Oh, right,” Ben says. “Not after Rami said you were such a brilliant chef, what am I going to make you? You’d laugh me out of my flat, I’m sure.”

“Oh, it can’t be that bad,” Gwil says. “What’s the best thing you can make?”

Ben’s eyes widen a bit as he thinks. “Oh, um..." Ben sighs, waving his hand aimlessly in front of them. “Uh, I make a good chicken breast,” he says finally, chuckling with embarrassment. “A really good one, actually. Well, I made it once, but—”

“You’ve only made it once?” Gwil repeats in surprise. “What do you mean? You’ve only cooked chicken breast _once_?”

“No, course not,” Ben replies. “I’ve only cooked the really good one once. The rest of the time it’s quite boring, really.”

“So, what’s the really good one?” Gwil asks. “Just how brilliant is it?”

“Oh, it’s the best,” Ben says. “It’s salt and pepper, and cinnamon, and brown sugar, and cayenne, and cumin, all mixed together, and you just cover the chicken in it.”

“So why not make that?” Gwil asks. “That sounds like a delicious supper.”

Ben shrugs. “Because you’ve got to have all those things around, and then you’ve got to make it.”

“Right,” Gwil says, nodding. “So, you’ve got to have the ingredients, and then you’ve got to use them. I see the problem.”

“Oh, shut up,” Ben says, pushing Gwil’s shoulder playfully. “There’s nothing wrong with letting other people cook for me! If I didn’t go out, people would lose their jobs.”

“Oh god,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “Okay. You know, I never took you for such a right dosser, Ben.”

“Oh come off it,” Ben says. “You know what? Let’s turn around, right now.” He stops walking, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“And go where?” Gwil asks, stopping to look back at him.

“Back to my flat,” Ben says, as if it’s obvious. “And I’ll cook for you, since you so obviously want a home-cooked meal.”

“Really?” Gwil asks. “You’ll cook for me.”

“Sure, why not,” Ben says, “since you think I can’t do it.”

“So you just want to prove me wrong,” Gwil says, smiling at him. 

“Sure,” Ben says. “Exactly. Or, we can go to wherever you want to go to eat, that’s fine too.”

Gwil thinks for a moment, which is just enough time for Ben to start feel a bit nervous, because not only will he have to make the chicken for him, he’s going to have to come up with a side as well, and well honestly, Ben’s favourite dish is pudding so what’s he going to serve for that? 

“Sure,” Gwil says finally. “Sounds brilliant.”

“Alright,” Ben says. “Well, we’ll have to stop at the Sainsbury’s.”

“Fine,” Gwil says. “Let’s go. I can’t wait to see this.”

Ben is torn between feeling a bit annoyed that Gwil thinks so little of him, nervous that he’s about to cock up the whole thing, and also hopeful that he can pull it together and manage to make Gwil an edible meal.

They head back in the direction of Ben’s flat, going the long way so they can stop at the Sainsbury’s for Ben to figure out what he needs to buy. He tries to push Gwil away from him so there can be some sort of element of surprise, but Gwil won’t leave him alone, following along after him, nodding and making quiet comments at everything Ben puts in the trolley.

“What’s the cabbage for?” Gwil asks, picking it up.

“Oi, drop it,” Ben says quickly.

“Okay, fine,” Gwil says, laughing as he sets it back down. “But what if I were allergic?” he asks.

Ben’s face pales a bit at that. “Are you?” he asks nervously.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, I’m not.”

Ben groans and pushes at Gwil again. “I’m going to poison your food, Gwil, I hope you know that.” Moving to another aisle, he grabs a couple bags of crisps, tossing them in.

“What’s this then, dessert?” Gwil asks.

“No,” Ben says, “I’m hungry _now_. Those are meant to hold us over until all this is ready.”

Gwil laughs. “Fair enough.”

After Ben pays, Gwil offers to carry a couple of the bags for Ben as they head back to his flat. The two of them are mostly quiet as Ben runs over the meal in his head.

“Joe?” Ben calls as he pushes open the door, toeing off his shoes. “You home?” He glances back at Gwil, moving further into the flat.

“They must still be out,” Gwil says, taking off his shoes then walking into the kitchen, setting the bags down.

“Or they went back to yours,” Ben says, smirking.

“God, probably,” Gwil says. He starts emptying the bags, setting everything out on the counter for Ben. “What do you need my help with?” he asks.

“Nothing,” Ben says. He takes a bag of crisps and shoves it into Gwil’s arms. “Go watch something on the tele; I’ll tell you when I’m done.”

“I’m not just going to watch television while you’re making my meal for me,” Gwil says, sitting down in the chair at the counter, Ben’s laptop still there. “At least let me watch.”

“Ugh, fine,” Ben says. He pushes up the sleeves of his big grey jumper and washes his hands in the sink. “I don’t want a word out of you,” he says, raising a finger in warning.

“Oh, where’s the fun in that?” Gwil asks, opening the bag of crisps, popping one in his mouth.

“It’s not meant to be fun,” Ben says. “You think I can’t cook.”

“You told me you can’t,” Gwil says.

“No, I told you I don’t like to,” Ben says. “But you think I can’t. So, I’m going to prove you wrong, Mister…I’m from the 1930s before takeaway existed so I think I’m better than everyone.”

Gwil looks at Ben in surprise, and for a moment Ben wonder if he’s gone too far, but then Gwil just laughs. “I think this is a side of you I’ve never seen before. This is the side that makes sense.”

Ben frowns. “How do you mean?” he asks, getting out a couple cutting boards and knives.

Gwil shrugs. “This side is friends with Joe. Very competitive, I think.”

Ben laughs at that. “Fair,” he agrees. “Alright.” He grabs the head of cabbage and starts shredding it as Gwil just watches, slowly eating the crisps.

“Are you going to tell me what you’re making?” Gwil asks after a couple minutes.

“I said not a word, Gwil,” Ben says sharply, and Gwil laughs loudly, but he doesn’t say anything after that, watching as Ben puts the cabbage with water in a saucepan on the stove, starting to bring it to a boil.

Ben turns back to the counter, bringing his hand up to his mouth, starting to drum his fingers on his pursed lips.

“What’s wrong?” Gwil asks.

Ben looks up at him and sighs, dropping his hand. “I think I may have taken on too much,” he replies.

Gwil laughs loudly again. “All you’ve done is shred cabbage!” he says. “Come on, you’re giving up already? That doesn’t sound like you.”

Ben groans, leaning against the counter. “This is why I don’t like cooking, Gwil,” he says, dropping his head forward. “It’s just one thing after the other. It never ends!”

“Oh, come on,” Gwil says, setting down the bag of crisps, pushing himself up and walking over to Ben’s side of the counter. “Tell me what we’re making and I’ll _help_.”

Ben sighs, thinking. “I don’t know,” he says. “If you help, it’s like I’ve lost.”

“If you stop after just boiling some cabbage, you’ve lost,” Gwil says. “Because I’m not eating that.”

“Oh, fine,” Ben says. “Fine. Can you help chop potatoes while I start on the chicken?” he asks.

“I can,” Gwil says. He shifts and grabs a couple potatoes at once, setting them on the cutting board, grabbing a knife. “Should I peel them?”

“Ugh, don’t bother,” Ben says. “Just cut them into quarters, please.” He turns and grabs a bowl to start mixing the spices together for the chicken, while also checking on the water on the stove, and then turning the over on to preheat it. By the time he’s got the spices together, the water is boiling, so he turns it down and covers it, setting a timer on his watch. Ben is about to push up his sleeves again when he just pulls the jumper off, leaving him in a blue t-shirt that he’d had on underneath and leaving his hair a mess. He grabs the chicken and some olive oil and starts coating it in the spice mixture. After a moment, he looks up at Gwil, who’s done with the potatoes. “Thank you,” he says.

“No problem at all,” Gwil says. “Now what?” he asks.

“Nothing yet,” Ben says, “just wait until my timer goes off. Get back to your crisps.” Gwil smiles and leans down on the counter, watching Ben for a moment. Ben can practically feel Gwil’s eyes on him, and he’s already standing so close to him, Ben sort of wants to lean into him to get even closer. He imagines pressing his side up against Gwil, but he just stares down at the chicken, refusing to let his eyes look anywhere else until he knows that the chicken is well-covered and at this point he’s just making a mess of his hands. He turns around and goes to the sink, washing his hands. When he turns around, he sees Gwil crouched down at one of the cupboards, taking out a pan for the chicken. “Thanks,” he says, quickly drying his hands. He reaches up to push a couple pieces of his hair down, then glances down at his watch.

“You’re welcome,” Gwil says, taking the chicken out of the bowl, setting the pieces down on the pan. He turns around to wash his hands as well, and Ben pushes himself out of the way, several feet further away than is necessary, taking a wide arch back to the counter.

Ben looks around, thinking what else needs to be done. He grabs another knife and a cutting board, figuring he’ll start to chop the green onions while he’s waiting for the timer to go off. He regrets it almost immediately, though. Though they don’t hurt his eyes as much as chopping red or white onions, he can feel tears start to spring to his eyes. He gasps a little bit and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, stilling the knife. He groans and swallows hard, chopping a bit faster.

“Don’t cut yourself,” Gwil says suddenly, appearing at his side.

“I’m fine,” Ben replies.

Gwil looks at him, smiling. “Are you crying?” he asks.

Ben sniffles and nods. “I think I’m allergic,” he says. “Most people don’t cry from these.”

“Why are you making them if you’re allergic?” Gwil asks, leaning against the counter.

Ben shrugs. “They go in them,” he says. The timer on his watch goes off and Ben groans.

“Okay, what next?” Gwil asks.

Ben blows a breath out. “Can you drain the cabbage but save the water?” he asks.

“Of course, sir,” Gwil says, straightening up, playfully giving Ben a salute.

Ben frowns at that, his mind immediately going to Commander Eastaughffe. He wonders if Gwil and Rami and the others blame him at all, for not being able to help him. He almost thinks about asking, but then he remembers Gwil’s reaction to his death, locking himself away in his room for days on end. If Gwil’s not thinking of Eastaughffe, Ben certainly doesn’t want to remind him. He stops chopping and then goes to wash his hands again, thinking that the skin is already starting to feel a bit dry.

“What now?” Gwil asks.

“Uh, we boil the potatoes in that water,” Ben says, “and then we can put the chicken in now too, I suppose.”

“And the cabbage?” Gwil asks, holding up the dish.

“Just there,” Ben says, gesturing over to the counter. He grabs the pan with the chicken, sliding it into the oven, moving out of Gwil’s way as he comes over to the stove with the potatoes. Ben sets another timer for the chicken, and then takes a deep breath.

“You know,” Gwil says, once he’s got the potatoes on the stove and the heat turned back up, “we could have been eating fish and chips right about now.”

“Don’t remind me,” Ben mutters, eyeing the package of bacon next. “This is enough cooking to last me through the year, I’ll tell you that much. Thank god Joe fancies himself a gourmet chef."

“Well,” Gwil says, “I appreciate it anyway.”

Ben looks up at Gwil, seeing the genuine smile on his face. “Really?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “Of course I do. Thank you. And I don’t mind helping. This is all going to be delicious, I’m sure."

Ben smiles, then looks away. “I hope so,” he says. “Uh, especially, since fish and chips was the alternative. Hard to beat.”

“Next time,” Gwil says, patting him on the shoulder a couple times. He reaches out for the bag of crisps, holding it up to Ben. “So, what else have we got to do?”

\+ + + + +

By the time they finally sit down at the table with their food, with drinks poured, Ben thinks he could go for another shower right about now. He’s almost too tired to even want to eat, but he’s starving by now. He takes a long drink, watching Gwil take his first couple bites of the colcannon, then trying the chicken breast. He almost wants to get a refill right away, he’s so nervous.

“It’s amazing,” Gwil says, taking a sip of his own drink. 

“Yeah?” Ben asks. Gwil nods happily, taking another bite. “Good. I’m relieved.” He finally lets himself start eating, and yeah, Gwil’s right, it is pretty good. 

They mostly eat in silence, until Gwil looks up and asks, “what’s for dessert?”

Ben laughs softly and pushes himself up, walking over to the counter, where he’d left the final course. He shakes the cylindrical packing a couple times, candy rattling around in them, setting them down on the table.

“Smarties,” Gwil says, looking down at them in surprise.

“I knew I didn’t have time to bake anything,” Ben says, taking a drink. “Plus they’re my favourite.”

Gwil picks up one of the tubes, shaking it for a moment, smiling. “I quite like them myself, so thank you.”

“Oh?” Ben asks. “They’re…that old then, huh?”

Gwil nods, setting the box down and picking his fork back up. “They are. Smarties Chocolate Beans,” he says, taking another bite of chicken. 

Ben smiles at that, nodding. “Well, I hope you still like them.”

Gwil smiles over at him. “I’m sure I will,” he says.

They’ve finished their food and have moved onto the Smarties for dessert by the time the flat door opens, and Joe and Rami come walking in. 

“Hi!” Rami says, smile brightening when he sees Gwil sitting at the table.

“Hi guys,” Ben says, tilting his head back a bit to look at them upside down.

“What’s going on in here?” Joe asks, walking over to the table, taking in the sight of the empty dishes.

Ben shrugs. “Nothing, just eating,” he says.

“Ben cooked,” Gwil says, popping a couple Smarties in his mouth.

Joe’s eyebrows shoot up at that, and he turns to him in surprise. “Ben cooked?” he repeats.

“Don’t act like I can’t,” Ben says. “Yes, I did.”

“Why don’t you cook for me?” Joe asks, grabbing onto the back of Ben’s chair.

Ben shrugs, taking another drink. “Because you cook for me,” he says, smiling up at him. "That's how our friendship works."

“How was your day?” Gwil asks, looking over as Rami pulls out the chair next to him, sitting down.

“It was wonderful,” Rami says. He looks over at Ben, smiling. “Thank you for the journal, Ben,” he says.

“Hm, what journal?” Ben asks casually. Rami gives Ben a look that says _‘you know what journal’_ and Ben shifts a bit in his seat. “You’re welcome,” he says finally.

“What’s this?” Gwil asks, looking at Ben. “You gave him a journal?” he asks.

“ _I_ gave him a journal,” Joe says loudly, dropping down in the seat next to Ben. “On Ben’s behalf, but it was from me.”

“What journal?” Gwil asks, looking back and forth between them.

“From Sami,” Rami says. “He wrote it in it, letters for me, notes and things. It was at the IIS, since they were working with him after I left, remember?”

Gwil nods, looking over at Ben. “Where’d you find it?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “In the archives. When you were reading your mum’s letters, I started poking around. Found it for him.” Gwil looks at Ben for a moment, and under the weight of his stare, for a second Ben’s not sure if he’s done something wrong or not, but then Gwil just grins and turns back to Rami.

“That’s brilliant,” Gwil says. “Do you have it with you?” he asks.

“No, I dropped it off at the flat,” Rami says, “but I’ll show you it tonight.”

“I’d love that,” Gwil says, and he glances back over at Ben, who’s watching them with a smile.

“When we saw you weren’t home, we thought you might be here,” Joe says, “so we came over. But I didn’t think I’d missed out on a three-course dinner, geez. Why not invite me? I like cooking too.”

Ben shrugs, leaning against Joe playfully. “You’ve got your boyfriend now, cook for him. I’ll cook for mine.” He straightens up and clears his throat. “My friend, I meant. Hm, sorry. Ha.”

Joe looks over at Gwil first, just to gauge his reaction, which seems to be one of…Joe honestly can’t really tell. He looks about as shocked as Joe feels, he imagines, so Joe just laughs loudly, trying to play it off. “Well, why can’t Rami cook for me?” he asks, looking over at Rami. “Maybe I just want someone to make me a meal for once! Also, Smarties for dessert? Ben, come on, you can do better than that.” He reaches over, picking up the tube, shaking a couple out into his hand. “You guys want to stay for a bit, or I can drive you home?” he asks, looking over at Gwil and Rami.

“No,” Gwil says, shaking his head, “I’ll help with the dishes.”

“No, that’s fine,” Ben says quickly, leaning forward in his seat. “I cooked, you’re my guest, I’ll clean.”

“I’ll help,” Rami says, raising his hand.

“Definitely not,” Joe says, glancing over at him. “Uh, I’ll help Ben, you guys go watch something on TV and we’ll be in in a sec.”

“I’d like to help,” Gwil says, pushing his chair back from the table, standing up.

“No, Gwil,” Ben says, standing up as well. “It’s fine, you helped enough. Thank you. You and Rami catch up.” Ben starts collecting their dishes, walking over to the sink, followed closely behind Joe.

Gwil carries his dishes over to the sink, carefully setting them down, looking down at Ben, who’s staring at the sink, refusing to look up at him. “Thank you,” he says quietly, “for finding Rami the journal.”

“Of course,” Ben says, turning on the water, still not looking up at him.

Gwil looks over at Joe, who’s watching Gwil back, giving him a nervous smile.

“Uh, we’ll just be a minute,” Joe says to Gwil.

“Right,” Gwil says, looking back at Ben, whose head is still ducked down. “Okay,” he says finally, walking away, following Rami into the living room.

“Okay what was that?” Joe asks immediately, leaning in so he can speak quietly in Ben’s ear.

“Nothing,” Ben mutters, starting to wash the dishes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Joe sighs and rolls his eyes. “I come home to find you two practically on a date—”

“It wasn’t a date,” Ben snaps, finally looking up. “I just— it was a joke, really. He said I couldn’t cook, I wanted to prove him wrong.”

“Ben, the only missing was dim lights and romantic candles,” Joe says. “I mean, you looked pretty cozy.”

“We did not,” Ben says. “We weren’t even sitting by each other!”

“And then you called him your boyfriend!” Joe says quickly.

“Well, I obviously misspoke,” Ben says, rolling his eyes. “He’s not my boyfriend. You know that.”

“Right, but—” Joe leans forward, trying to catch Ben’s eyes. “Like…do _you_ know that?”

Ben looks at Joe in shock. “Of _course_ I know that, you tosser. I didn’t mean anything by it, I just— it just slipped out. I was thinking about you and Rami. Jesus. Let me know I can remember every single stupid slip of the tongue you’ve ever made.”

“Okay, but Ben,” Joe says, shifting next to him. “Do you…are you starting to like him?” he asks.

“No,” Ben says immediately.

“Right,” Joe says, nodding slowly. “And this time, the truth. Are you starting to like him?”

“ _No_ ,” Ben says again. “I mean— what are you even talking about? I don’t like him.”

“There’s not anything wrong with it,” Joe says.

“I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it,” Ben says, “I’m just saying I don’t. Okay. He’s my mate, that’s all.” He shakes his head. “I can’t believe you think I’d— come on, Joe.”

“Think you’d what?” Joe asks. “Have feelings for him?”

“His boyfriend just _died_ ,” Ben snaps, glaring at Joe. “I don’t like him, okay? I’m just trying to be nice. We— you cook for me, that doesn’t mean we’re fucking in love.”

“Jesus,” Joe says, stepping back a bit. “Ben, okay, now you’re lying. You’re overreacting. It’s _okay_ if you like him. I mean, yeah, his boyfriend just died, but— not _really_ , you know.”

“Yes, really,” Ben says. “To Gwil, yes, really. It doesn’t matter if it was really like, seventy years ago.”

Joe sighs, leaning against the counter, watching Ben furiously scrub the dishes. “So you don’t like him,” he says.

“Joe, I said that already,” Ben says.

“Okay, but do you not like him,” Joe says, “or do you like him but you’re scared to admit it because his boyfriend just died?” He crosses his arms, looking at Ben with an eyebrow raised.

“You’re being ridiculous,” Ben says, shaking his head. “I don’t like him.”

“Okay,” Joe says, lifting his hands up. “If you say so.”

“I mean what, I can’t be friends with him now?” Ben asks, looking over at him. “I was bored because you went out, I knew Gwil would be free, and it’s not as though I know anybody else in Perth. And he was happy to join me.”

“I’m sure he was,” Joe nods. “I’m not saying it’s wrong, Ben, I’m just saying…maybe you need to think about this for a minute.”

“There’s nothing to think about,” Ben says. “So you can either help me with the washing up or go sit in there with your _boyfriend_ and leave me alone.” He looks at Joe expectantly. “I can do the dishes on my own,” he says.

Joe sighs. “If I leave,” he says, “Gwil’s probably going to come in here and try to help you, you know.”

“So?” Ben asks. 

“So, I’ll help,” Joe says. “Just a second, guys! Find something good!” he calls, leaning back a bit towards the living room.

Ben sighs and keeps washing the dishes, setting them on the drying rack as he goes.

After awhile, Joe clears his throat, glancing awkwardly over at Ben. “I’m your best friend, aren’t I?” he asks softly, drying the dishes.

“Of course,” Ben replies. Of _course_ Joe's his best mate.

“So you can tell me anything,” Joe continues. "Right?"

“Of course,” Ben says again, shifting a bit uncomfortably on his feet. He just wants Joe to drop it.

“Like, maybe—”

Ben groans and tosses the washcloth into the sink, turning away and storming into the bathroom.

Joe sighs and turns, leaning against the counter. 

“What was that?” Rami asks, walking into the kitchen, Gwil a couple feet behind him, watching warily.

“I think he’s sick,” Joe says after a moment.

Rami frowns and glances back at Gwil.

“Uh, I feel fine,” Gwil says, “and we ate the same thing.”

Joe shrugs. “Well, I don’t know then, but that’s what he said. So.” The three of them all look over when they hear the shower start. “What did you guys find to watch?” he asks, setting down the dishcloth, starting to walk into the living room.

“Is he alright?” Gwil asks Joe, following behind him.

“He’s fine,” Joe says, sitting down on the sofa. He gives both of them a weak smile, then pats the spot on the sofa next to him. “Come on, someone’s gotta sit next to me, and Gwil, I won’t say no if it's you.”

Rami glances up at Gwil, a concerned look on his face, then starts walking over to Joe.

“Maybe we should go,” Gwil says suddenly. “If he’s…sick. He probably doesn’t want us around.”

“Right,” Rami says, nodding, turning back and going to stand by Gwil’s side.

“Yeah, you sure?” Joe asks, pushing himself up.

Rami nods again. “Yeah, Gwil’s right. Although, the dishes,” he says, looking at Gwil.

“Oh, no, I’ll handle those,” Joe says quickly, “don’t worry about that. You guys want a drive?” he asks.

“We can walk,” Gwil says quickly. “If that’s fine with you,” he says, looking at Rami.

“Sure,” Rami says, giving him a smile and a nod.

“Okay,” Joe says slowly. He reaches out, quickly pulling Rami in by the waist, giving him a quick kiss. “Uh, just text me when you get home safely,” he says.

“Sure,” Rami says. “Tell Ben we hope he feels better.”

Joe nods. “Right.” He watches as Gwil and Rami get their shoes back on, Gwil grabbing his jacket, and then waves. “Have a good night!” he calls after them. As soon as the door is closed, he groans loudly and drops back down on the sofa. “What the fuck,” he asks himself, shaking his head.

Rami and Gwil walk down the hallway to the lift together, Rami looking up at Gwil to try to see the reaction on his face. “What do you think happened?” Rami asks.

Gwil just shakes his head. “I’m not sure, really.”

“Did something happen today?” Rami asks. “When you were together?”

Gwil shakes his head again. “No, nothing. It was quite nice, actually.” They step into the lift and Gwil presses the button for the lobby.

It isn’t until they step outside and start walking home that they speak again. “I was surprised to come home and you were gone,” Rami admits. 

“I should have sent you a message,” Gwil says, nodding. “It— I hadn’t planned on going out, but Ben came over and asked if I was hungry.”

“No, I don’t mind it at all,” Rami assures him. “I’m happy, really. It’s good. I like that you spend time with him. Or just…out, in general.” He swallows hard. “I wasn’t…there was a time I wasn’t sure you would, you know.”

Gwil nods, briefly looking down. “I know,” he says, giving Rami a weak smile. “I’m still sorry for that.”

Rami shakes his head, reaching out to take Gwil’s arm. “We were all grieving,” he says. “It’s alright. I’m, like I said, it’s lovely to know that you’re comfortable enough to be with Ben when Joe and I aren’t around.”

“Well, we went to London together,” Gwil points out.

Rami smiles, nodding. “Right, right.”

“Do you think it was me?” Gwil asks, looking over at Rami. “That— maybe I said something? To make him feel uncomfortable.”

“No, I can’t imagine,” Rami says. “He seemed fine when we came in.”

“He did,” Gwil says, nodding. “And I thought we had a great afternoon together.”

“You think Joe’s lying,” Rami says.

Gwil looks over at Rami. “Oh, well, I don’t know. I…wouldn’t want to say that he’s lying. Just…I think Ben just— and Joe just didn’t want to embarrass him or something. Or maybe Ben told Joe he was sick. But I don’t think he is.”

“No, neither do I,” Rami admits. “I don’t want to ask him about it, though. Maybe— maybe Ben got a call and something happened.”

“Maybe,” Gwil says, glancing over at Rami. “Maybe. Yes. Work, or something.”

“Right,” Rami says, nodding.

“Anyway,” Gwil says, changing the subject. “I can’t wait to see the journal from Sami.” He smiles brightly, and Rami can’t help but smile back. “Is it good?” he asks.

Rami nods. “Yes, it’s lovely.”

“I’m happy Ben found it for you,” Gwil says. “He didn’t even tell me; he must’ve wanted it to be a surprise.”

Rami smiles. “It was kind of him,” he says.

Gwil nods. “Yeah, it really was.” He looks down at the ground as he walks, gently clearing his throat. “Ben’s very kind,” he says softly.

Rami reaches out to Gwil, squeezing his arm gently as they walk down the street together.

In his own flat, Ben is still standing under the stream of water, his second shower for the day. He didn’t want to appear _too_ childish by storming off to his bedroom, and thought that at least a shower provided a believable cover. And it got him away from Joe. Who Ben just— ugh, can’t even _believe_! He knew that Joe had love on the brain, had expected him to start teasing him about, _‘oh, I’ve found my boyfriend, when are you going to go and find yours?’_ But trying to convince himself that Ben had feelings for Gwil, that was absolutely ridiculous. Yes, Ben had noticed more than ever how handsome Gwil was when they were in London together. And shopping together, cooking together that day, it was fun. Fun in a way that Ben hadn't had in a long time. But Joe and Ben did things like that together as well, and despite what everybody else apparently thinks, Ben's certainly never had any feelings for Joe.

It was just pointless to even try to debate it with him. Joe clearly didn’t believe him, so why would Ben make the effort? He knows how he feels. Gwil is intelligent, and kind, and thoughtful, and yes, handsome, but that certainly doesn’t mean Ben _fancies_ him.

Ben groans, shifting to stand so the water can pound down heavily on his upper back, trying to relieve some of the tension in his body. He takes a deep breath. It doesn’t matter, he thinks. Even if he _did_ have feelings for Gwil, he can’t stop thinking about the look on Gwil’s face in the cemetery, when they’d gone to see Roger. He was heartbroken. He was— no, he was more than heartbroken, he was destroyed. It didn’t matter that it’d been almost a hundred years since Roger got married, or however long it’d been since he died. It was still fresh to Gwil. Gwil still missed Roger, was still in love with him, and hell, probably would be for awhile. Maybe forever. It’s not like he’s just going to get over it.

Gwil would never have feelings for him. And that’s fine, Ben tells himself. Because he doesn’t have feelings for Gwil either. Ben feels a small pit start to twist in his stomach, and he squeezes his eyes shut. So why the fuck does it hurt so much to think about?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • so yes! as some of you predicted, it's a journal from Sami, and yes, we will hear more about it.  
> • we will also be getting Joe's plans for Rami's belated birthday celebration, since he loves a party.  
> • whoops Ben is in love, sorry, I don't make the rules.  
> • and Joe fucking knOWS IT too.  
> • I'm not really sure how I feel about this chapter (well, actually, I am) but I will let you all be the judge of that!


	19. Chapter 19

Rami sighs, looking over at Gwil as they head up the sidewalk, approaching Joe and Ben’s building. 

Gwil smiles and reaches over, clasping his hands onto Rami’s shoulders, giving him a playful shake. “Don’t look so down,” he says, pulling him in. “You’ll be fine. You like Ben, don’t you?”

“You know I do,” Rami says, stopping walking. "It’s not spending the day with Ben that I’m worried about.”

Gwil frowns a bit. “Is it me spending the day with Joe?” he asks.

Rami shakes his head. “No, of course not. I just…I shouldn’t have told him when my birthday is,” he says, shrugging. “I don’t need this! A party.”

“It’s barely a party,” Gwil says. “It’s the four of us having dinner together. Like any other night.”

Rami sighs. “I know that. But you— it’s just so much work, and I, I’m fine! You and I spent my birthday together. I’m okay to not celebrate anymore.” He briefly looks away. “And there’s no more point to it, really.”

Gwil pulls Rami in a bit closer to him. “If you _really_ don’t want to,” he says, “this’ll be it. I promise. Next year, there will be nothing. This year…think of it as being more for Joe, than for you.”

“I suppose that’s a good point,” Rami murmurs, nodding slowly. “He is really quite excited at the idea of this.”

“And so am I,” Gwil says. “I’ve never made Egyptian food before, I’m chuffed to try. It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten to stretch my muscles in the kitchen. Well, besides helping Ben, but.”

Rami pulls back, looking up at him. “You and Joe are going to kill each other, aren’t you?” he asks.

Gwil laughs and slings his arm around Rami, starting to lead him towards the flat again. “Oh, no, don’t say that.” He winks over at Rami. “I’d win, no problem. Say good-bye to your boyfriend, Rami, he’s dead.”

Rami snorts and playfully pushes away from Gwil before coming back to him, resting against his side. “It would be nice if the two of you could get along,” he says after a moment.

“I thought we did,” Gwil says. “That’s why today will be fine. And honestly, if for some reason it’s not…that’s alright too. It’s just one day. You and I, we’ve been through worse, haven’t we?”

Rami nods at that. “We certainly have,” he agrees. He looks up at Gwil. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Gwil asks.

Rami shrugs. “Just…being you, I suppose. My friend.” He gives him a small smile.

Gwil smiles back down at Rami and pulls him in for a quick hug. “Thank you too, then,” he says, squeezing him tightly. They pull apart and take a few more steps, looking up when Ben pops his head out of the front door, smiling and waving at them both.

Rami takes a deep breath. “Hi!” he says eagerly, walking over to Ben, who’s still holding the door open so it won’t lock behind him.

“Lads,” Ben says, nodding at them both. “How are we, this fine Friday afternoon?” he asks.

“Lovely,” Gwil says, nodding.

“Good,” Ben says. “Rami?”

“Yeah, alright, I suppose,” Rami says.

“I’ll see you in a few hours,” Gwil says, leaning down to give Rami another quick hug. “Don’t kill each other, yeah?” he teases.

“I think we’ll be fine,” Rami says, stepping back to stand by Ben.

“Ben,” Gwil says, giving him a quick salute and Ben gives him a nod.

“Have fun,” Ben replies, smirking. “Door’s unlocked, just head on in.”

“Alright,” Gwil says, giving Rami another wave as he steps into the building, Ben finally letting the door close behind him.

Ben takes a deep breath and looks over at Rami, who’s watching him back. “So,” Ben says, nodding. “Are you excited to celebrate your birthday?” he asks. He glances down at his watch. “And just over a month late.”

Rami shrugs. “I don’t know, really. Gwil said to think of it like it’s for Joe, not me. I’d honestly be fine without it.”

“Well, let’s just think of it as a lads day, then,” Ben says, starting to walk down the sidewalk, smiling over at Rami. “Did you two eat lunch already?” he asks.

“Just a bit,” Rami says, “but I could eat again, if you’re feeling peckish.”

“Sure,” Ben agrees. He smiles at Rami again. “I was thinking we’d grab a bite and then catch a film, yeah?”

Rami beams over at him. “That sounds lovely,” he says, and he actually means it. “What’s showing?”

Ben shrugs. “Don’t know, really. Figured we’d just pick when we got there. There’s bound to be something alright on.”

“I like that idea,” Rami agrees. They walk in the general direction of the Playhouse together, mostly quiet as they go.

“Do you watch golf?” Ben asks suddenly. “The U.S. Open is on the tele this weekend.”

“Oh, not really,” Rami says, shaking his head. “Gwil and I have been watching the Cricket World Cup.”

“Oh, lovely,” Ben says. “Who do you support?”

“England,” Rami says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. He looks at Ben warily. “Why, who do you think I should support?” His steps falter a little bit, and he freezes a couple feet behind Ben.

Ben stops walking as well, looking back at him, embarrassed and face hot with shame. “Oh, god no, sorry,” Ben says. “I didn’t— uh, no, sorry. Uh, that probably sounded…so rude. I apologize. Of course England, why wouldn’t it be. Or er, uh, Scotland, too. Solid choice.”

“Sorry,” Rami says, shaking his head, starting to walk again. “I’m— I’m used to people…saying different things. I _am_ English, you know. I, well, I am Egyptian, as well, but I’m also proud to be from England.”

Ben nods. “You don’t have to apologize for that,” he says. “People…well, I mean, it’s not like I _know_ , but I can imagine. The things people used to say. My granddad was…a complete arsehole, really, and well, I really was just—” He looks over at Rami a bit helplessly, blowing his breath out. “I’m sorry. England. Yeah.”

“Do you watch?” Rami asks, trying to turn the conversation back.

“Uh, sort of?” Ben says, shrugging. “It’s not really my thing, but if it were on the tele, sure.”

“Gwil said you used to play rugby,” Rami says.

Ben nods eagerly. “Yeah, a bit, when I was younger. Kept getting injured though.”

“The World Cup is this year as well,” Rami says.

“Yeah, September,” Ben says eagerly. “Chuffed about it. _That_ I may have to just plant myself in front of the tele for. Though, there’s always overlap with the World Series, and Joe can be a prick about it.”

“Is that baseball?” Rami asks.

Ben nods. “Oh, and then Wimbledon is next month,” he says. “Do you watch tennis?”

“Not so much,” Rami says, “but I know Gwil enjoys it. You do?”

Ben smiles, nodding. “Yeah, I think it’s brilliant. I thought we'd try to go down for a day or two.”

"I'd love that," Rami agrees. "Well, I know Gwil would anyway."

Ben bounces his head up and down a couple times, looking around the neighbourhood. “So, um,” he sighs and then starts to laugh. “I’m usually a _bit_ better at holding a conversation,” he says. “Words are failing me a bit today.”

“That’s alright,” Rami says, grabbing onto Ben’s arm, holding onto him as they walk together. “Gwil told me.”

Ben frowns, looking over at him. “Gwil told you… _what_ , exactly?” he asks, unsure.

Rami smirks. “How you can’t stand being mates with engineers because you can’t understand a word we say.” He laughs, and Ben rolls his eyes, playfully pushing him away a bit.

“Oh, come on!” Ben protests. “That’s not fair! You know, I— that was in confidence. A secret.”

“Was it?” Rami asks.

“No, it wasn’t,” Ben admits, and Rami laughs, “but I still can’t believe he told you that. I was just— trying to get him to stop bothering me.”

“So you’d let me talk to you about avionics?” Rami asks. “Even if you didn’t understand it?”

Ben shrugs. “Sure! Go for it, I’m all ears.”

“Really?” Rami asks.

“Sure, it’s your birthday,” Ben says. “Or well, it was. Anything you want to talk about, let’s go. Just don’t expect me to understand. Uh, who’s the father of avionics?” he asks.

“Hmm, I suppose I’d say Sir George Cayley,” Rami says, and Ben scoffs.

“Of _course_ you actually know that,” Ben says, smiling over at Rami.

Rami laughs again. “Well, who’s the father of the…law?” he asks, then smiles. “Sorry, that’s a bit different.”

“Let’s _please_ not debate the origins of law,” Ben says, “I wouldn’t be able to stand it. So, tell me about Sir George Cayley. English, I presume.”

“Yes,” Rami says. “He was born in the eighteenth century. And invented the hot air engine.”

“Right,” Ben says, nodding. “I know what that is.” He leans in a bit closer to Rami. “I don’t really,” he says quietly.

Rami laughs loudly, and then Ben does as well. “Well, I can tell you how little I know about law, if it makes you feel better,” he says, and Ben smiles.

“I’m sure you know loads,” Ben says. “It’s not nearly as difficult as lawyers would have you believe.”

“I’m not sure I can say the same for avionics,” Rami says, chuckling. “It can be a bit trying, at times.” 

Ben glances both ways as they hurry across the street, heading towards the restaurant he’d had in mind. “I can’t even imagine,” he says, looking over at Rami. “Just…I mean, I lose the plot in maths, what you do…”

“When we lost communication on the Mercury, I thought, well,” Rami looks over at Ben. “It was hard not to blame myself. It was my job.”

“No, no,” Ben says, shaking his head, holding the door open for Rami, following behind him, waiting for a server to seat them. “Based on what I know, which again, is little, it wasn’t your fault. It was just the system.”

“No,” Rami agrees, “but we didn’t know that. I thought it was something I’d done, or should’ve known about. I felt guilty that I’d taken that away from the other crew members. We were supposed to be able to talk to our families, and the BIS. Then we were alone.”

Ben nods, then smiles over at the server who appears, grabbing a couple of menus, leading them to their table, a booth along the far wall. He slides in, smiling over at Rami who sits across from him. “Well, I’m sure you did the best you could,” he says. “And I’m sure that your best was pretty brilliant.”

Rami smiles, nodding. “I do hope so,” he says. “I…really rather liked my job.”

“Yeah, of course,” Ben says. “Uh, well, have you thought more about what you want to do? Now that you’re here, and all that.”

Rami nods slowly. “I have actually. And well, despite what Joe and Gwil have to say about it—” Ben chuckles softly. “I _would_ like to travel,” Rami continues. “I’ve been so far somewhere else, but there’s so little actually _here_ that I’ve seen. I’d like to go all sorts of places.”

“That makes sense,” Ben says, nodding. “And it’s a lot easier to travel now than it used to be.”

“And,” Rami says hesitantly, picking at the corner of his menu, “I’m thinking about…perhaps going back to uni.” He looks over at Ben to gauge his reaction. “Not right away, obviously. Maybe _next_ year.” 

Ben grins. “Rami, that’d be brilliant!” he says. “Of course you should. For engineering?”

Rami nods. “That’s what I’ve been thinking, anyway. I— I, well, when we came back, you said that there could be jobs for us still, with the IIS. Since we’re still technically employees, and all.”

“Yeah, of course,” Ben says, nodding. 

“So, if they still need engineers,” Rami says, looking over at Ben. “I wouldn’t mind it. As long as I didn’t have to— leave again.” He clears his throat gently.

Ben smiles. “Rami, of _course_ you should be an engineer again. Yes. Absolutely, I think it’s a brilliant idea.”

“You do?” Rami asks, and Ben nods eagerly.

“Yes!” Ben says. “Rami, mate, as much as I love spending time with you, I don’t want your life to be just living in Perth spending all day watching cricket with Gwil, alright?” Rami chuckles. “As your friend, I can’t allow you to waste your potential. And besides, you’re far too young to retire.”

“Well,” Rami says, shifting on his seat, “my birthday was just last month. And I am well over a hundred.” He grins cheekily.

Ben shakes his head, smiling. “Well, you don’t look a day over eighty,” he says. “Tell me your secrets! Joe tells me to be worried about my wrinkles,” he says, playfully gesturing towards his forehead. “He says I think too hard.”

“Ignore Joe, he has no idea what he’s talking about,” Rami assures him, reaching over to grab Ben’s hand, and they both start laughing again. “What about you?” he asks, when they’ve settled down a bit.

“What about me?” Ben asks, looking over the menu.

“Are you…” Rami shrugs. “I don’t know, are you going to do this forever?”

Ben looks up at him. “You mean, work for the IIS, or— stay in Perth to watch over you and Gwil?”

“Both, I suppose,” Rami replies.

Ben sighs. “I…like my job, yeah. I don’t know. I feel a bit young to say that this is what I’m going to forever, I mean, anything could happen. I’d stay with the IIS for as long as I could, yeah. As for staying in Perth…I don’t know. I guess that depends on Gwil.”

“What do you mean?” Rami asks.

Ben swallows hard. “Uh, just that,” he shakes his head quickly, “I’d— it’s— I’d have to know that he was really alright before I moved back to London. I think he likes Perth.”

“He does,” Rami agrees. “More than London, anyway.”

“Yeah, so,” Ben says, “I can do IIS work here, at the Space Operations Centre. I’d feel like I was abandoning him, if I went anywhere else.” He shifts a bit on his seat. “Not that I— I mean, I won’t following him around _forever_ or anything like that, I just mean—”

“I know what you mean,” Rami interrupts him gently, and Ben looks over at him.

“You do?” Ben asks.

Rami nods. “At least, I think I do,” he says. “You seem to quite like him, don’t you?”

Ben nods slowly. “Yeah, of course. He’s great, you _both_ are. I’ve been looking forward to today.”

“Why?” Rami asks.

“Because you’re my mate,” Ben says. “I just like spending time with you.”

Rami smiles over at him. “I like spending time with you, too,” he says. “I don’t know if I could ever thank you enough for all you’ve done for me. For us.”

Ben just shakes his head, waving his hand dismissively. “I didn’t do it to be thanked.”

“I know,” Rami says. “That’s why you deserve to be. I don’t know what coming home would’ve been like if you hadn’t helped us.”

“I think you’re both strong enough, you would’ve made out alright,” Ben says.

Rami sighs. “Just let me say thank you, please?”

Ben finally nods. “Alright, you’re welcome. Although, I know why you’re really saying thank you.”

“Why?” Rami asks.

Ben gently taps Rami’s foot under the table, winking at him. “Oh, I _know_.”

Rami laughs and looks away from Ben. “Stop it.”

“No, it’s fine,” Ben says, chuckling. “Just remember that you and Joe are going to owe me a lot. For the rest of your lives. Together.”

Rami blushes a bit and looks away. “That’s not— it’s not like that,” he says.

“No?” Ben asks. Rami shakes his head. “Well, someone should tell Joe that then, because I think he’s picking out wedding rings.” He smiles.

Rami’s head jerks up, and he looks at Ben. “Are you joking?” he asks.

Ben’s eyes widen a bit. “Yes?” he says, sounding unsure. “He’s not— trust me, he— it’s been _days_ , Rami, he’s— he’s a lot, but he’s not that much.”

“No,” Rami says, shaking his head, “I know he’s not, I meant, wedding. As in…marriage.”

“Right,” Ben says, nodding once. “Yeah, a wedding. Like, Mister Rami…Mazzello-Malek, maybe? Bit of a mouthful, though.”

Rami swallows hard and looks around the restaurant, before leaning in a bit. “You mean, I could— we could get married?” he asks quietly.

Ben nods. “I’m sorry, I thought you knew. I— I told you it’s different now.”

“Right,” Rami says, “I thought that meant people were okay with it, or at least, wouldn’t want to hit me if they saw me with my boyfriend. I didn’t know that— I could get married?”

Ben smiles slowly, nodding. “Yeah, you could,” he says. “And Joe. And Gwil. And me. Uh, not to each other, I meant, I just— yeah.”

“Since when?” Rami asks.

Ben shrugs. “Uh, as long as I can remember. Probably around when I was born, I guess, though I’m not entirely sure.”

“Wow,” Rami says softly. “I didn’t know that.”

Ben taps Rami’s foot under the table again, smiling. “Something to look forward to?” he asks.

“Don’t be foolish,” Rami says, looking away again. “It’s— I’ve only known him two months.”

“Right, but,” Ben says, “it’s been a pretty good two months, I’d say. Wouldn’t you?”

Rami smiles, nodding. “I would,” he says. “But don’t— don’t tell him we talked about this,” he says. “I don’t want him to think I— it’s too soon to talk about it. _Far_ too soon.”

“Our little secret,” Ben says softly, winking. He reaches out, tapping Rami’s menu. “We should probably decide, yeah?”

Rami swallows hard, shakily picking his menu up. “Yeah, of course,” he agrees, but he can barely read the words in front of him for how much his mind is racing.

\+ + + + +

Gwil takes a deep breath, resting his hands on his hips, surveying the mess currently spread out over Joe’s counter. He feels like he should’ve been here earlier to prevent this.

Joe makes a face and slowly looks over at Gwil, trying to gauge his reaction. “So, what do you think?” he asks. 

“Uh, well,” Gwil says, tilting his head a bit to the side. “It’s a lot.” Which it is. The counter is piled with ingredients, some of which Gwil can’t even begin to recognize, and others he just wasn’t expecting to see. Either way, it looks like a lot of food, even for four grown men.

“I _know_!” Joe says quickly. “I know. But I couldn’t decide. I don’t think it’ll be a lot when it’s all made and put together, it just looks like a lot right now. It’ll get better. It should.” Joe nods and claps his hands once. “Usually I just look at my watch for recipes,” he says, “but I figured printing them off might be easier.” He picks up a small stack of paper, presenting it to Gwil. “I made sure we have everything we need. We just need to…” he gestures around a bit. “Put it together.”

Gwil takes the recipes from Joe, slowly flipping through them. “Alright,” he says finally. “Well, I can read a recipe, so how hard can it be?”

“Exactly!” Joe says, clapping Gwil on the shoulder. “Plus Rami said you can cook. This’ll be easy.”

“What is this?” Gwil asks, frowning, lifting one of the pages up to Joe.

“Uh, I’m not _entirely_ sure,” Joe admits. “It’s this,” he says, gesturing to a bunch of green leaves on the counter. “And then you boil them.”

Gwil nods slowly, reading through the recipe. “That doesn’t sound too difficult,” he murmurs. “Well, where do you want to start?” he asks.

Joe drums his fingers on the counter. “I was thinking…maybe the tea first, since it’s easiest, just to get it out of the way. Then the lamb, since that takes the longest.”

Gwil flips through the pages again. “I can start on the mashed potatoes,” he says, looking over at Joe.

“Equally great plan,” Joe says. “Let me know if you need to know where anything is, but I think I’ve gotten most of what we need out.” 

Gwil nods, setting the recipes down on the counter, grabbing the potatoes, a cutting board, and a vegetable peeler. Joe walks over to the stove and grabs a pot, starting to fill it with water to boil.

“So,” Joe says, glancing over at Gwil. “How are things?” he asks.

Gwil briefly glances up at Joe, a small lock of hair falling over his forehead. “I’m fine, yeah,” he nods.

“Thanks again for helping,” Joe says. “I’m sure Rami tried to talk you out of it, but I appreciate it anyway.”

Gwil nods again. “My pleasure.”

Joe narrows his eyes a bit, wondering if Gwil is being purposely…stand-offish, or whatever this is, or if he’s just making what he thinks is polite conversation. Maybe this _is_ polite conversation, and Joe is just normally so chatty that he can’t tell.

“How are you?” Gwil asks, looking up again. “And things?”

“I’m pretty good, yeah,” Joe says, nodding. “Um, the Yankees are doing alright so far, so that’s good. They’re baseball. My team. New York, you know. Or maybe you don’t know, I don’t know.”

Gwil looks over at Joe, a look of amusement on his face. “Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig,” he says, chuckling when Joe’s eyes light up. “I have _heard_ of baseball, you know.”

“Right!” Joe says. “I uh, just…it’s you know, America’s pastime, so I wasn’t sure if that was your thing or not.”

Gwil shrugs. “It’s not really, I just, I know what it is, obviously. I've watched it.”

Joe nods, then frowns a bit. “Uh, I hope you weren’t really a big fan of Lou Gehrig,” he says, shifting uncomfortably on his feet.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, I just…know the name, really.”

“Okay,” Joe says. “That’s good.” He gives Gwil an awkward smile. “So, uh…” He looks around wildly, trying to figure out what to say. “What do you think of Perth?” he asks. “I mean, being back here.”

Gwil looks over. “It’s alright, yeah. Feels sort of the same, which is odd, but at the same time, everything here is already so old, how much could it really change? I’m sure if I’d been from,” he waves the vegetable peeler around, “New York, a hundred years would be a big difference.”

“Uh, yeah,” Joe agrees, nodding. “Definitely.”

They continue on in silence for awhile, Joe stealing occasional glances over at Gwil, both to check on his progress but also just to check on him, and see if he’s alright. He is, though, of course. Joe doesn’t really know why he thinks he wouldn’t be. He still sort of feels like Gwil is this skittish thing that’s about one wrong word away from a breakdown. Which isn’t fair to Gwil, but Joe just remembers all the days at the IIS when Rami would tell him that Gwil wouldn’t come out of his room, or wouldn’t speak. Joe’s not really sure how he’d react if his whole world was ripped away, but he definitely doesn’t blame Gwil. 

He also knows that they don’t _have_ to be friends. Just because they’re both friends with Rami, that doesn’t mean that Gwil and Joe actually have anything in common. Gwil’s more of the strong silent type, which Joe is…not. As he works on the food, he runs through the list of things he knows about Gwil in his head. Which is not a lot. Which is also fair, given that he’s only known Gwil for about two months now, but he also thinks that he’s gotten to know Rami pretty well in that short amount of time.

“So,” Joe says, and Gwil looks up at him. “What does ‘Gwilym’ mean, anyway? That’s Welsh, right? You’re from Wales?”

Gwil looks at Joe for a moment, unblinking, then just slowly smiles. “William,” he says. “It…it’s just William. In Welsh.”

“Ohhhhhhhhh,” Joe says slowly, nodding. “Right. That’s…yeah. Okay.” Well, he’s a fucking idiot, he thinks. “You know, there’s a movie I think you should watch. There’s a Gwilym in it. _How Green Was My Valley_. It’s good. Old. Black-and-white, but really good.”

Gwil shrugs. “Sure, we can watch that sometime.”

“Reallly?” Joe asks in surprise.

Gwil nods. “If you’d like to, that’s fine. Why not?”

Joe shrugs. “Well, great! Okay. I didn’t think that’d be your thing, but alright, cool.” He looks up for a moment, drumming his fingers on the counter. “So.”

“Joe?” Gwil asks, and Joe immediately turns to look at him.

“Yeah?”

Gwil smiles. “I know what you’re trying to do,” he says.

“You do?” Joe asks. “Uh, I mean, what? I’m not doing anything.”

Gwil chuckles. “I imagine it’s exactly what happened the first couple times Roger and Rami were together.” He smiles at the thought. “I guess I haven’t _really_ been clear with you, have I?”

“About what?” Joe asks.

“You’re my mate,” Gwil says. “You and Ben both. I know we don’t— I know it’s not usually just the two of us, but you don’t have to worry about awkward conversation or making me like you, we can just talk. About whatever you’d like.”

“Really?” Joe asks. Gwil nods. “Oh, okay. I mean, I’m glad. I like friends. And I like you! So, hey, perfect. I just figured you were like… _‘ugh, that guy who’s dating my best friend, what a jerk.’_ ”

Gwil laughs, shaking his head. “Not at all,” he says. “But, I understand that I’m a bit…” He shrugs a shoulder. “Well, you know. I’m sure Rami told you all about it.”

“No, don’t worry,” Joe says, shaking his head. “You’re great.” He looks away, making a face to himself. The things that come out of his mouth, he thinks.

“Hmm,” Gwil murmurs, not really believing it. “So, Joseph…what does _that_ mean?” he asks, smirking.

“It’s Hebrew, actually,” Joe says. “ _‘He will add’_. Or something.”

“Oh, are you Jewish?” Gwil asks.

Joe shrugs. “My dad was like, a quarter. We’re pretty Catholic. I mean, my sister’s name is Mary. The Italian side won out. You? I mean, religious?”

Gwil just shakes his head. “No, not really,” he says. 

“Yeah, fair enough,” Joe says. After a moment, he speaks again. “So. Picture it. Little baby Gwil, in the green valleys of Wales.”

“I was born and raised in England,” Gwil says.

“Yeah, but it’s a reference to the movie,” Joe says. “Does Gwil think to himself, I want to grow up and study plants? Or, I want to grow up and travel to the stars?”

Gwil thinks for a moment, then shakes his head. “No, not really, I suppose. I’m not sure. It was quite different then, really. There weren’t— I imagine people today have all sorts of ideas about what they’d like to be. You can be anything, really. There were fewer options back then. I always quite enjoyed school and uni, so I thought I should teach.”

“Really as simple as that, huh?” Joe asks.

Gwil nods, chuckling. “Dreadfully boring, isn’t it?”

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know. I think it’s cool. I mean, a good teacher can like, change your life, right?”

Gwil smiles. “I suppose so, yes.”

“And biology?” Joe asks. “Or, botany, I guess? I don’t really know.”

“Well, my father and brother were doctors,” Gwil says. “My sister was a nurse before she married. It’s not the same obviously, but I’d always been interested in the science side of things. I quite enjoyed it, is all.”

Joe smiles, then chuckles softly.

“What?” Gwil asks.

“Nothing,” Joe says, shaking his head. “I was just thinking of Ben and his whole, botany thing.”

Gwil frowns. “I didn’t realize he had an interest in botany,” he says.

“Oh, he doesn’t,” Joe says. “He’s horrible at science. He was trying to learn it for _you_.”

“Me?” Gwil asks in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“He never said?” Joe asks. “Oh, well, there was one day where— before you guys talked, he stayed up like, _all_ night reading about the history of botany and I don’t even know what, he had like, 300 pages printed off from the Internet of just, _that_. Taxonomy and anatomy. He was trying to teach himself so that you guys would have something in common.”

“Oh,” Gwil says softly. “Uh, no, he never said anything about it to me.”

“Oh,” Joe shrugs. “Well, I don’t know, guess it never really came up. Probably hard to make that an interesting topic of conversation.” He reddens a bit. “Uh, sorry. That’s— anyway, it was back when he was desperate to talk to you.” He chuckles and turns back to his food again.

Gwil looks down at where he’s been working at the counter, feeling a little bit…stunned, really. He had no idea that Ben had put that much effort into trying to get Gwil to talk to him. And he’d never said a word to him about it. Gwil wonders why; if Ben had found it that uninteresting, or if he was just worried he’d sound dumb, or something similar. Gwil frowns. He wishes he’d known; he could’ve talked to Ben about it, to see if he could teach him some of the concepts he taught his first-year students. And he would’ve thanked Ben for taking the time. Gwil loved his work, and was passionate about it, even though he hasn’t given it much thought since the Mercury came back. And Ben cared enough to try. Cared enough about _him_ , even back when Gwil was ignoring him and being an utter arsehole. That says a lot about Ben, Gwil thinks. It’s another thing to add to the list Gwil’s been unintentionally mentally compiling, everything that Ben has done for him and Rami that he didn’t have to, but that he did just to help them. To make them happy.

Gwil glances over at Joe, still working on prepping the dinner. Sure, he likes Joe, thinks he’s funny and kind, but Joe was still only a volunteer for the program. Roped into it by Ben, Gwil’s sure. And Ben…Ben’s the one who came up with the whole thing. Ben’s the reason why Gwil and Rami even have a flat in Perth to begin with. Making sure that they had their appointments with their therapists, who they still see occasionally even after coming into the city.

Gwil thinks back to the day Rami had come to his room, telling him that East was dead. Before Gwil could even move, Ben was already running towards his room. Ben was the one who looked in first, even though he had to know it would be a terrible sight. He tried to stop Gwil from looking as well.

It hits Gwil all of a sudden that Ben’s probably the least selfish person he knows. Amongst the kindest, and most caring, even after the night he’d come to Gwil’s room and made him cry, which Gwil had immediately forgiven him for. Everything Ben had done for the last two months had been for them. He left his own home in London to come live in Perth. Hell, right now, he was off distracting Rami for the day to make Joe happy.

There’s a twinge in Gwil’s chest, and he has to pause for a moment to take a deep breath. He glances over at Joe, who hasn’t taken notice of him. He reaches up, twisting his pinky ring. _Roger’s_ ring, he thinks. Roger. His boyfriend, the love of his life. He’s wearing _his_ ring. But… Gwilym twists the ring again. 

Roger’s gone.

Gwil draws a sharp breath and clears his throat, glancing over at Joe. “Sorry, just a tick,” he says, wiping his hands on a dishcloth as he walks over to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He leans against it heavily, sighing. “Stop it,” he tells himself, pushing his glasses up onto his head so that he can press the heels of his palms against his eyes. “Stop it, stop it,” he says. He wants to tell himself that he’s wrong, Roger’s not gone, but he _is_. As much as Gwil desperately wants him back and still thinks about him every day, it’s not like they’ve just broken up. It’s not like they have a chance of ever getting back together. Roger’s _gone_. Forever, for good. Nothing will change that.

Gwil takes a deep breath, feeling his hands start to shake. He brings them down, curling them into fists. He can feel the warmth of tears springing to his eyes, and he swallows hard. No, he tells himself. No. He even says it out loud. He loves Roger. That’s that. Gwil lets his eyes close and he leans his head back. He thinks of Roger’s face. His mouth, his smile. His blond hair. He thumps his hand back against the door. Roger’s _blue_ eyes. Not green.

Gwil starts to feel sick. _Jesus Christ_ , he thinks. It’s been two bloody months. That’s not enough time. Nowhere near enough time. He shakes his head, disappointed in himself. “Stop it,” he tells himself again. He’s confused himself, thinking about Ben. He’s just a friend. A good, kindhearted person, but just a friend. Just a friend like Joe’s just a friend. That’s it. That’s it. 

He doesn’t go back out into the kitchen again until he starts to believe it.

“Do you think this needs more sugar?” Joe asks, lifting a cup up to Gwil’s mouth as he soon as he walks back into the kitchen.

Gwil takes a sip, making a quiet noise. “I do, but I think it’s supposed to be tart,” he says, going back to his spot at the counter. “I’ve had it before when Sami made it.”

“Oh, okay,” Joe says, taking a sip of it himself. He glances over at Gwil. “Uh, are you okay?” he asks.

Gwil looks over at Joe, hands immediately going up to his face, wiping at his cheeks, thinking it must be obvious that he was crying. “Fine, yeah. You?” he asks.

Joe’s eyes narrow a bit, but he just nods. “Yup, I’m great,” he says. “I uh, I know that Rami isn’t on board with this, but I still really want to make it a nice night for him, you know?”

“I know,” Gwil says. “He’s, well, you’re right, but I know he appreciates it, either way. Just don’t worry too much, about impressing him. Rami’s…he’s sweet. He knows when someone’s making an effort.”

Joe smiles. “I know, I just— I kind of want to give him the world, you know?” Joe snorts and shakes his head. “Sorry, that’s dumb. I’ve just— well, I don’t know if you care, but I’ve never felt like this about someone before. It’s insane. I mean, I barely know him.”

Gwil looks over at him. “Joe, I care,” he says. “About Rami, but about you too. I’m happy for you both.”

“Really?” Joe asks.

“Of course,” Gwil says. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Joe looks away. “Uh…no reason,” he says, turning back to what he’s working on.

“Right,” Gwil says softly, understanding.

“I’m sorry,” Joe says quickly, looking back over. “That’s…of course you can be happy for your friend and be bummed about something else at the same time. I mean, Ben’s making out okay. Or so he says, I don’t know.”

Gwil frowns. “Making out okay with what?” he asks.

Joe’s eyes widen as he realizes what he said. “Oh, nothing,” he says quickly, shaking his head. “Just, in general. Like, you know. Ben can be happy and sad at the same time. We all can. That’s life. Great, huh? Uh, I’m gonna start on the…onions, sure. You good?”

Gwil just nods. “Yeah, I’m…alright,” he says. He keeps his head down, still working on his dish, but he can’t keep his mind from wandering to Joe’s words, and what he meant about Ben. He can’t think of a reason that Ben wouldn’t be happy for Joe. Or what would be upsetting Ben right now. He wants to press Joe on it, ask him what he means, until as he’s reaching out to grab the cup of tea to have another sip, that it hits him. He freezes for a moment, glancing over at Joe. He knows enough to know that Ben’s not jealous of Joe, and he’s certainly not jealous of Rami. Ben’s not upset that they’re together, so he’s upset that he’s alone. He feels a bit of a twinge in his chest, wondering if he and Ben have more in common than he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • I know some of you wanted Gwil's thoughts on things, and here we go!  
> • also, some Joe and Gwil scenes, since they never talk to each other alone  
> • I know this wasn't bumping with activity, but it was originally part of the next chapter, and it just got too long, so I split it  
> • the next chapter will have a lot more going on (and follows directly after this, we're not missing that dinner)!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please note the rating change to Mature (it will go up again in a couple chapters, but most of the time will remain Teen and Up)

“Are you ready?” Ben asks Rami quietly, putting his key in the door.

“Do you think it’s too late for us to back out of this?” Rami asks, smiling over at him.

Ben laughs softly and nods. “Sadly, I think so, yes.”

Rami blows out his breath and then laughs a bit. “Alright then,” he says.

Ben unlocks the door and opens it, pushing it open, bracing himself.

“Surprise!” Joe calls immediately, straightening up from where he was leaning against the kitchen counter next to Gwil. “Happy belated birthday!”

“Happy birthday,” Gwil says, much more calmly, giving Ben and Rami a quick wave.

“Oh, thank you,” Rami says, glancing over at Ben who’s snickering as he toes off his shoes. “It’s not really a surprise, Joe, but thank you.”

Joe shrugs and hurries over, wrapping his arms around Rami, pulling him in. “I know, but it’s more fun that way! Come on, come on! I hope you two didn’t ruin your appetite!” He guides Rami over to the kitchen table, pulling his chair out for him.

“No, not at all,” Ben says, walking over to the table, looking down at everything laid out, including an extra place setting. “Hi, Gwil,” he says finally, glancing up at him.

“Hi,” Gwil says. “What did you chaps do?” he asks.

“We saw a superhero movie,” Rami replies, sitting.

“Oh, brilliant,” Gwil says, though his knowledge of superheroes doesn't extend far past Flash Gordon or The Green Hornet. “What can I get everyone to drink?” he asks.

“Oh, let me,” Ben says, walking back over into the kitchen, going to the refrigerator.

“I’ve got it,” Gwil says, walking up behind him, putting his hand on the refrigerator door, keeping Ben from opening it.

“You’re our guest,” Ben says, looking up at him. “Go on, sit down, I’ve got it.”

“Ben, go sit,” Gwil commands gently, and Ben finally sighs, walking away. 

“Alright, alright,” Ben says, walking over to the kitchen table. “Where am I sitting?” he asks, looking around.

“Here,” Joe says, walking over to the chair diagonally across from Rami, pulling it out for him as well. “Sit, sit.”

“Drinks?” Gwil asks again, looking over.

“What are the options?” Rami asks, looking around, feeling a bit impressed, like Gwil and Joe have managed to transform the flat into an almost fancy restaurant. He sees the fifth place setting at the end of the table, and smiles.

“Well, I’m glad you asked,” Joe says. “We have white wine.”

“Ooh,” Ben says playfully, making a face over at Rami, who chuckles.

“We have Coke Zero,” Joe says, clapping Ben on the back once. Ben grins. “We have…karkadeh?” he says, glancing over at Rami. “That’s right, yes?”

Rami looks stunned for a moment before smiling and nodding eagerly. “Yes, it is.”

“What’s that?” Ben asks softly, leaning in towards Rami.

“Hibiscus tea,” Rami replies.

“Oh,” Ben says, leaning back in his seat.

“And we have water, of course, and beer and cider and whatever else is in here,” Joe says, waving his hand dismissively.

“I’d like some karkadeh,” Rami says to Gwil, straightening up a bit.

“Me too,” Ben says, raising his hand. “I’ll try that.”

“Let’s all have some then, yeah?” Gwil asks, grabbing the pitcher out of the refrigerator, walking over to the table.

“You didn’t have to make that,” Rami says, watching Gwil pour the deep red liquid into the four glasses on the table.

“Of course we did!” Joe says. “You told me it was Sami’s favourite, right?” Rami smiles and nods. “Although, if it’s awful, please do not hate us for it.”

“I’m sure it’s lovely,” Rami says, looking at his glass, eager to take a drink, but he wants to wait until they’re all seated.

“And what do we have to eat?” Ben asks, looking at the dishes in the middle of the table.

“We have koshary,” Joe says, gesturing to the plate of rice, lentils, pasta, and onions, layered and covered in tomato sauce. “And potato and salmon cakes. And um,” he waggles his fingers a couple times at the green dish, “that. Which is pronounced…” He looks over at Rami a bit helplessly.

“Mulukhiyah,” Rami says, smiling.

“Yes, that!” Joe says. “With lamb, and flatbread. Yummy.”

“All of this looks bloody amazing,” Ben says, looking around at the table. “You two made all this?”

“We combined our powers for good,” Joe says, nodding. “I hope it’s good, anyway. Gonna look real bad if it’s shit, huh? Gwil, you good?” he asks, glancing over at him.

“Yes,” Gwil says, walking back over to the table, sitting down next to Ben, across from Rami. He smiles over at Ben, who smiles back, then looks away.

“Alright, great,” Joe says, hurrying over to take his seat next to Rami. “Um, dig in, I guess, yeah? Mangia, mangia!”

“Uh-oh, Joe’s in Italian grandmother mode,” Ben says quietly, getting a light kick under the table.

“To Rami,” Gwil says, lifting his glass of karkadeh. “Happy birthday.”

“To Rami,” Ben says, and Joe echoes it, both of them lifting their glasses.

Rami rolls his eyes and tries not to blush, but he raises his glass as well. “And to Sami,” he says, turning to the end of the table. “Thank you for everything,” he says, taking a drink.

“Is it good?” Joe asks quickly, not even taking a drink of his own yet.

Rami chuckles and nods. “It’s lovely, thank you.”

Joe raises his glass again in Gwil’s direction, and then finally takes a sip. “Mm, yum.”

“Very good,” Ben agrees, shifting in his seat. “So we just— alright, digging in.” He picks up the plate of potato and salmon cakes, sliding a couple onto his plate, then picks up the small bowl of dill sauce next to it, spooning it on top of them.

All four of them fill their plates, starting to eat, all of them impressed with each dish.

“I don’t know who made what,” Ben says after awhile, chewing on some koshary, swallowing hard, “but it’s all brilliant.”

“It was a team effort,” Joe says, smiling at Gwil.

“Well, quite the team,” Ben says, taking another drink.

“It’s really quite good,” Rami agrees. “I love it all.”

“You’re happy you let us celebrate your birthday?” Joe asks.

Rami nods. “I suppose, yes.”

“Good,” Joe says quickly. “Time for presents then?” he asks, looking around.

Rami sighs. “Joe, no, I don’t want any presents.”

“It’s your birthday, you’ve gotta have presents,” Joe says. “Come on. It’s just little, I promise.”

Rami frowns, looking across the table at Ben. “Do you also get me something?” he asks.

Ben glances at Gwil, and then nods. “I did, yeah. But if you don’t want anything, I’m also happy to take it back.”

Rami looks over at Gwil, who just shrugs and laughs. “Considering I actually spent your birthday with you, no,” Gwil says, “I didn’t get you anything. I thought the meal was the gift.”

“It was, thank you,” Rami says, smiling across the table at him.

“Okay, just gimme one sec,” Joe says, getting up and hurrying into his bedroom, coming back with a small package, wrapped in blue paper.

“I guess I’ll get yours too,” Ben says, pushing his chair back, going to his room to get Rami’s present as well, just not moving as quickly as Joe did. He sits down, and gestures to Joe. “You first.”

“Here,” Joe says, handing the present over to him. “Happy birthday.”

“Thank you,” Rami says, carefully unwrapping the paper, sliding his finger under the tape to try to not rip anything. He slides the present out, a picture frame. He turns it over and looks at the photo in it, immediately smiling. “Thank you,” he says again, looking up at Joe.

“It’s not too cheesy?” Joe asks. “I knew you didn’t want anything actually big, but I thought this was okay.”

Rami nods, looking down at the picture again. The selfie that Joe took of them the night they’d gone to the cinema together for the first time. He smiles.

“Can I see?” Gwil asks, waiting for Rami to nod and start reaching out before he sticks out his hand. “Oh, lovely,” he says, looking at the photo. He turns it to Ben so that he can see it as well. “Where was this?”

“The cinema,” Rami says, carefully taking it back from Gwil, setting it down on the table next to his plate. “When you were in London.”

“Here,” Ben says, handing his gift over to Rami as well. “It’s not a photo of us together, sorry.”

Rami laughs softly. “I’m sure it’s lovely anyway.” He unwraps Ben’s gift just as carefully, folding the paper and setting it down on the table. It’s a grey hardcover journal, _‘Five Years’_ embossed on the cover. Rami flips through the pages. Each one is dated at the top, with a question written underneath it, with five sections underneath that, and a space to write the year.

“You just,” Ben waves his hand, “write in it, every day, for five years. You answer the question at the top and see how your answers change over time. My grandmum used to have one. It’s…”

“I love it,” Rami says quickly, nodding at Ben. “Thank you. I can’t wait to start writing in it.”

“Good,” Ben says, a bit relieved. “I figured, you’d know more than anyone about how important it is to write things down. For the future.” He clears his throat and glances over at Gwil. “Well, _almost_ anyone.”

Gwil makes a small amused sound, smiling and looking over at Ben.

“Oh, dessert!” Joe says, clapping his hand on the table. “Obviously. One sec!” He hurries over and grabs five small plates, and five clean forks, bringing them back to the table.

“Did you make this as well?” Ben asks, turning to look at Gwil.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, Joe picked it up earlier. Not sure from where.”

“Do you need help?” Ben asks, tilting his head back so that he can see Joe at the counter, albeit upside-down.

“Nope, I got it,” Joe says, moving the dessert from the plain white box to a large plate. “Okay, are we singing?” he asks.

“Please no,” Rami says immediately, and Joe’s face falls a little.

“Okay,” Joe says, walking over to the table. He carefully sets the plate down, and looks over at Rami. “Good?” he asks.

Rami looks at it, recognizing it as the cheesecake that he and Joe had shared their first night alone in Perth, and grins. He looks up at Joe, nodding. “Yes, good,” he says.

“Okay, great,” Joe says, relieved, sitting back down. “Um, just, everybody have some, it’s really good!”

There’s a beat where nobody moves, and then finally Ben picks up a plate, carefully sliding a slice of cake onto it. He smiles and then hands it across the table to Rami. “Birthday boy,” he says, “you first.”

“Thanks,” Rami says, picking up one of the clean forks.

Ben plates another slice, and hands it over to Gwil. “Here you go.”

Gwil smiles and nods his thanks, waiting until both Joe and finally Ben have their pieces of cake in front of them before he takes his first bite.

“Oh my god it’s still so good,” Joe groans.

“Delicious,” Gwil agrees, nodding.

They all eat until they’re stuffed, Gwil getting up to refill the glasses of karkadeh in the middle of it, settling back into their seats. They’re all tired, but Ben finally pushes his chair back from the table, picking up his plate. 

“I’ll help,” Gwil says quickly, standing up.

“No, you’re the guest,” Ben says for the second time that night, but once again, Gwil refuses to take that for an answer.

“Let Rami and Joe go be sweet on each other,” Gwil says, picking some of the dishes. “I’ll help you clean up.”

Rami and Joe smile at each other, and Ben finally relents. “Okay, thank you,” he says, taking the dirty dishes over to the sink.

“You wanna watch something?” Joe asks, looking over at Rami. He stands up and offers his hand to him, which Rami quickly takes.

“Alright,” he agrees, letting Joe lead him into the living room.

Ben sighs, surveying the mess on the table. “Do you want leftovers, do you think?” he asks, glancing at Gwil.

“I’d rather not have to carry them home,” Gwil admits, “but I also don’t want to leave them with you and have them take up the space.”

“No, we’ll eat them,” Ben says. “Or you can just come back tomorrow and eat some more.” Ben turns to the cupboard, getting out a few glass containers with lids, carrying them over to the table, filling them with the leftovers. He moves things around in the refrigerator until they can all fit in there, and he nods. “That’ll keep us well fed for a couple days, at least.” He looks at the wine in the refrigerator, and pulls the bottle out, shrugging as he pours himself a glass. He moves back over to the sink, drying the dishes that Gwil’s already washed, putting them away. He tidies up as he waits for more dishes to be washed, and has a bit more wine.

“Are you getting drunk in there?” Joe hollers, leaning forward.

“Hardly,” Ben says, having another sip. He goes back to Gwil, drying more dishes, chatting about the film Ben and Rami had seen, and cricket. It takes what seems like forever, more and more dishes seemingly appearing out of nowhere, but finally, with the exception of a couple left to soak, they’re done. They wipe up the counters and the table and the stove, and Ben looks down at his watch, realizing they’d been at it for close to an hour. He thinks how long it would’ve taken him if Gwil hadn’t offered to help, and he smiles over at him appreciatively. 

They walk into the living room together, and Ben scoffs playfully at the sight of Rami curled up against Joe’s side, the two of them watching some crime drama on the television.

“Finally done?” Joe asks, looking up at him.

Ben gives him the finger and a big grin and walks by him, dropping down in the chair furthest away. “Alright. Is that it?” he asks.

“What do you mean?” Joe asks, looking over.

“Is the party done?” Ben asks. “Are we playing a game, watching a film, going to bed?”

“What time is it?” Rami asks, leaning shifting to look at his watch. “Oh, later than I thought,” he says. He looks up at Joe, a bit unsure.

“I’m just gonna pop to the loo while you decide,” Gwil says, walking out of the living room.

Ben pushes himself up and walks back into the kitchen. He feels tired, ready for bed, but he’d stay up if anybody else wanted to. He walks over to his jacket and pats his pockets, finding his pack of cigarettes and his lighter. He pulls open the door and steps out onto the balcony. He lights a smoke and inhales deeply, blowing it out into the evening air. He hears Rami and Joe speaking in the living room, but they’re not loud enough that he can discern the words. He thinks he hears Gwil as well. He jumps when the door opens behind him. “Yeah?” he asks, turning around. He stubs out his cigarette and walks towards Joe. “What’s up?”

“Rami’s tired,” Joe says, and Ben nods understandingly. 

“Alright, yeah,” Ben says. 

Joe glances over his shoulder, and Ben looks to see Gwil and Rami speaking, and then Rami leaning up to give Gwil a hug. “He uh, he wants to stay here,” Joe says softly, turning back to Ben.

Ben’s eyebrows goes up a bit in surprise. “Really?” he asks quietly. “Uh, oh— okay.”

“Not— for that,” Joe says. “But, I just wanted to check. It’s okay, right?”

Ben nods and claps Joe on the shoulder a couple times, squeezing by him to walk back into the flat. “Yeah, course,” he says.

Rami looks away nervously, then says goodnight to Gwil again, turning and heading into Joe’s bedroom, flicking the light on before closing the door behind him.

“Um, so I’m just gonna…” Joe says, trailing off. “Uh, goodnight, guys.” He gives them both an awkward wave and then follows after Rami, heading into his bedroom.

Ben and Gwil uncomfortably glance over at each, neither of them saying anything for a moment.

“Uh, I should go,” Gwil says finally, looking towards the front door.

“Oh, let me drive you,” Ben says quickly.

Gwil just shakes his head. “No, that’s alright, I’d rather walk. Besides, you were drinking.”

Ben scoffs. “Barely. At least let me walk with you,” he says, stepping in front of Gwil, looking up at him hopefully. He glances over towards Joe’s closed door. “I’d…rather go somewhere else, for a few minutes at least.”

Gwil glances over at the door as well and nods understandingly. “Alright,” he agrees, giving Ben an awkward smile. They each grab their jackets and their keys, sliding on their shoes. Ben quietly closes the door behind them as they slip out into the hallway, walking down to the lift. 

“Uh, so,” Ben says, scratching as his head as they wait for the doors to open. “How was it?” he asks. “Overall. Did you have a good day?”

Gwil nods, stepping aside and waiting for Ben to walk into the lift first before following after him. “I did, yes,” he nods. “Joe’s…I like him.”

Ben grins. “He’s pretty great, yeah,” he says softly.

When they step out into the night, Ben shivers a bit immediately, zipping his jacket up a bit further.

“Alright?” Gwil asks, glancing over at him as they start off in the direction of his flat.

“It’s cooler than I expected, but I’m fine,” Ben replies, sliding his hands into his pockets. The only noise is their footsteps on the sidewalk, and the light evening traffic around them. It’s too late for too many people to be out. Before either of them know it, they’ve arrived at Gwil and Rami’s building, and Ben takes a deep breath. 

“Well, uh, goodnight,” he says, giving Gwil a quick wave.

“Did you want to come in?” Gwil asks, reaching out to grab Ben’s arm.

Ben looks down at Gwil’s hand in surprise, then looks back up at him.

“Just,” Gwil says, slowly withdrawing his hand. “I don’t know if you want to be there or not.”

“Uh, right,” Ben says, glancing back in the direction of his flat. “Well, this is kind of awkward, isn’t it?” he asks. “Do I leave the flat every time they…” He smiles and gestures around. “You know.”

“Maybe we should switch flatmates,” Gwil jokes, and Ben’s eyes widen.

“Don’t let Joe hear you say that,” Ben says. “I’m sure he’ll take you up on it.”

“Just come in for now,” Gwil says, opening the door to the building, holding it open for Ben. “We’ll figure out the rest later.”

“Okay,” Ben says, giving Gwil a nod as he walks by him, heading towards the lift. They head up to Gwil’s floor, stepping out, Gwil getting out his keys to unlock the door and let them in. Ben glances down at his watch, seeing the time. It’s not as late as it could be, but he imagines that Gwil will be heading off to bed soon, leaving Ben to…what, exactly? Stay up? Sleep on the sofa?

“Can I get you anything?” Gwil asks, glancing over at Ben as he takes off his jacket, carefully hanging it up near the door.

Ben shakes his head, looking around as he unzips his coat, hanging it up next to Gwil’s. “No, I’m alright, mate, thanks.” He takes off his trainers and walks into the flat, feeling a bit awkward. “Sorry, if uh, you’re heading off to bed, I’m just going to stay up and watch something on TV, if that’s alright.”

“Are you sure?” Gwil asks.

Ben nods, smiling at Gwil as he takes a seat on the sofa. “Sure, it’s no problem.”

“Let me get you a blanket at least,” Gwil says, heading into his bedroom. He comes back with a couple blankets bundled up in his arms, handing them over to Ben. “You know, I’m sure Rami wouldn’t mind if you took his room for the night.”

Ben just shakes his head. “No, I’m alright, this is fine.”

“Okay, well, I’m just going to start getting ready then,” Gwil says, giving Ben a quick smile as he goes into the bathroom.

Ben turns on the television, scanning through the channels, the volume up loud enough so that he can hear it, but still quiet enough that he can hear the tap running for a bit, assuming that Gwil is brushing his teeth. He hears the door close, the toilet flush, the tap run again, and the door open. A couple minutes later, Gwil pops his head around the corner, having changed into his pyjamas. Ben thinks he looks quite cute, a sleepy look on his face.

“Are you sure?” Gwil asks.

Ben nods, trying to stifle a yawn as he waves him on. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he says. “Get on to bed, I’m alright.”

“Okay,” Gwil says. “Just…let me know if you need anything.”

Ben nods, giving Gwil a grateful smile. “Goodnight, Gwil.”

“Goodnight,” Gwil says, watching Ben for a moment longer before he turns and heads across the flat into his room. He shuts the door almost the whole way, but leaves it open just a bit, hoping that Ben will know that he means it, come get him if he needs anything. He pulls back his blankets and climbs in, reaching up to take his glasses off, setting them on his nightstand before curling onto his side. After a couple minutes with the light from the flat shining in through the door, Gwil hears Ben get up, moving around quietly. The lights are turned off, and then Gwil hears Ben settling back down on the sofa again.

Gwil feels bad, feels guilty, though he knows he offered Ben Rami’s bed. He can’t make him take it, but still, Ben’s sleeping on his sofa when he should be sleeping in his own bed in his own flat. Gwil falls asleep worrying about it, trying to think of a solution.

He wakes again a few hours later, blinking blearily at his alarm clock. Gwil swallows hard, feeling a bit thirsty, and then remembers that he’d left Ben to sleep out there. He wonders if he’s still up, or if he gave up and went back home, quietly slipping back into the flat after Joe and Rami fell asleep.

Gwil yawns, pushing his blankets off him, softly walking across the room, pulling his bedroom door open. He looks out into the flat, seeing shadows and light flickering across the walls, realizing the that the television is still on. Well, Ben’s still here then, he thinks. Whether or not he’s awake, though… Gwil quietly walks into the living room, peering around the corner. He can barely see Ben under the pile of blankets, just the top half of his face visible really, they’re pulled up so high. Ben’s curled on his side, head propped up on one of the throw pillows. Gwil smiles down at him, watching him for a moment. He sighs and crouches down next to him, telling himself that he’s just checking to make sure that Ben’s comfortable. He smiles again at Ben’s bedhead, a couple locks of hair sticking up at such an angle that Gwil almost reaches out to push them back down.

Ben makes a quiet noise, and Gwil freezes for a moment, wondering if he’s accidentally woken him up. But Ben’s eyes don’t open, so Gwil just watches him for a moment longer before he starts looking around for the remote. He doesn’t see it right away, and assumes it must be under the blankets somewhere with Ben, so he quietly walks over to the television, kneeling down to run his fingers along it, looking for a power button. He finally finds it after a few frustrating seconds, and then he stands up. He glances back at Ben, then walks into the kitchen, carefully getting himself a glass and turning on the tap. He fills his glass, slowly so the running water won’t wake Ben, and takes a few long sips. He sighs, reaching up to rub at his eyes. He fills it a bit more, drinking the rest, and then sets the glass in the sink. He turns around and jumps immediately, hand going to his chest.

“Sorry,” Ben says, rubbing at his face. “Didn’t mean to.” He yawns loudly and he stretches his arms above his head as he groans, shirt riding up just a bit. He looks down, embarrassed, tugging the hem back down to meet his trousers, and smiles sleepily. “Why’re you up?” he asks.

“Just…woke up,” Gwil says, shrugging. “Thirsty.”

“Sorry,” Ben says, yawning again.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Gwil says, and Ben shrugs.

“It’s okay,” he says. “It’s time for me to go home anyway.”

Gwil frowns. “It’s almost half three.”

“Yeah, but…” Ben trails off, shrugging tiredly. “They’re done.” He chuckles in amusement. “It’s fine.”

“Stay,” Gwil says quickly. “You can’t go walking alone this time of night. You’re still asleep. And…the wine, earlier.”

Ben smiles. “I think Perth is pretty safe, Gwil. And again, barely drank. Drunk?” He moves to walk towards the door, and Gwil steps in his path, looking down at him. Ben looks up in surprise, taking a step back.

“Stay,” Gwil says again, voice quiet, but stern.

Ben glances back at the living room. “But…the sofa,” he says, gesturing towards it.

“Come on,” Gwil says, reaching down to grab onto Ben’s wrist, carefully leading him across the kitchen. There’s a moment where he contemplates leading Ben into his own room, thinks about what that would be like, but he takes him into Rami’s room instead. He avoids turning on the lights, knowing it will just be a bother, and he guides Ben over to the mattress.

“Hmm, thanks Mum,” Ben says, sitting down heavily on the edge of the bed, reaching up to wipe at his eyes.

“Do you need me to go get the blankets for you?” Gwil asks. He’s struck now by how young Ben seems, when he’s half-asleep and no stress on his shoulders. He looks relaxed in a way Gwil doesn’t see very often.

Ben shakes his head, looking up at him. “No, this should be okay,” he says, looking around. “Thank you.” He wavers a bit, head falling to the side as if he fell asleep for a split second. “I’m not a very good morning person,” he admits, straightening back up.

Gwil smiles. “Well, we still have a few hours till morning, so you’re alright,” he assures him. He reaches out to squeeze Ben’s shoulder, and Ben tilts his head to the side, cheek pressed against Gwil’s hand. Gwil freezes, smile fading a bit, and he reaches out to Ben with his other hand, trying to lift his head. “Come on,” he says, “wake up.”

Ben smiles and nods, looking up at Gwil. “Sleepy,” he says, yawning again.

“Goodnight, Ben,” Gwil says softly, reaching up to playfully mess with his hair before turning around.

“Gwil?” Ben asks suddenly. Gwil stops and looks back at him expectantly. He swallows hard, wondering what Ben is about to say. Honestly, depending on what it is, he doesn’t know how he’ll respond. Ben’s smile fades and then he just shakes his head. “Nothing. Goodnight.”

Gwil frowns, looking down at him. He takes a step closer to him. “Are you alright?”

Ben bites down on his lip and then nods jerkily. “Yeah,” he says, voice a bit rough. “Sorry. I’m just tired. Thank you.”

Gwil watches him for a couple moments longer, seeing the suddenly sad look on Ben’s face, and his heart twists a bit in his chest. He thinks he can guess what’s just happened, but maybe he’s just projecting, he thinks. He doesn’t know how to address it though, so he finally he just says “you’re welcome. Wake me if you need me.” He sighs and turns, walking out of Rami’s bedroom, stopping in the doorframe for a moment before pulling the door closed behind him.

“Right,” Ben says behind him, sighing heavily.

Gwil leans against the door, hand still holding onto the doorknob, listening for a moment to see if Ben says anything else. He almost wants him to. But all he can hear is the mattress squeak for a moment, and he assumes that Ben’s gotten into bed. Gwil pushes himself off the door and goes back into his own room, once again leaving the door open, this time just a bit wider.

\+ + + + +

Joe slowly wakes up, carefully sliding out of the bed, glancing back at Rami as he hurriedly pads out of the room, pulling his bedroom closed behind him. He goes to the bathroom, looking around the flat when he’s done. Everything’s been tidied up. He smiles, and heads back to his room when he realizes that Ben’s bedroom door is wide open. “Ben?” he calls quietly, walking over. He sticks his head in. The bed is made in Ben-fashion, aka messily but still done, but Ben’s not in it. Joe frowns, and steps back out. He walks into the living room, wondering if Ben’s on the sofa. He’s not. He walks over to the balcony, unlocking the door and sticking his head out.

Joe frowns as he walks back to his bedroom door, pulling it open. He carefully climbs back in bed, then looks over at Rami. He wonders if he should wake him or not. He looks so peaceful asleep, but…

“Hey, Rami?” Joe asks quietly, reaching out to touch his shoulder.

“Hmm?” Rami asks, rolling onto his back, throwing his arm over his face.

“Rami, do you know where Ben is?” Joe asks.

Rami rubs at his eyes, yawning. “Home,” he says softly, clearly only just barely awake.

“No, he’s not here,” Joe says.

Rami nods slowly. “Other home. They left.”

“Left?” Joe asks. “Wait, who?”

“Ben and Gwil,” Rami says, stumbling over his words just a bit. He cracks his eyes just a bit, lifting his hand, waving his wrist weakly to gesture to his watch. “Gwil messaged. Said Ben was staying over.”

Joe frowns. “Like… _over_ , like—” He widens his eyes and makes a gesture.

Rami shakes his head, stretching out under the blankets. “No, not like that. I don’t think Gwil’s ready for… _that_.” He sighs and curls back onto his side.

Joe pauses for a moment. “But, do you think they— I mean, sometimes I see them and they—”

Rami groans, lifting his head up a bit. “Look at each other?” he finishes, and Joe nods. “I’ve noticed.”

“So it’s _not_ just me,” Joe says quietly, nodding.

“Does Ben…” Rami asks, glancing over at Joe. “Talk about him?”

Joe shakes his head. “Not anymore,” he says. “He used to, all the time. About how he wanted to help him, and figure out what to do to make things easier for him, but since…”

“Since when?” Rami asks.

“London,” Joe says. “That’s when I started thinking something was up.” He settles back on his pillow, looking up at the ceiling. He’s about to say something when he hears a quiet snore, and realizes that Rami’s fallen back asleep. Joe wants to keep thinking on this, on what Ben and Gwil might be doing right now, but he tries to remember that he’s in bed with _his_ boyfriend right now, for the first time ever. Maybe, he thinks, Ben just left with Gwil to give him and Rami their privacy, even though they did nothing but sleep. Which he should go back to doing now. He shifts under the blankets, and curls against Rami, trying to force himself to close his eyes.

\+ + + + +

Rami wakes up to a tickle of hair against his nose, and he laughs a bit, reaching up to push at Joe’s head.

“Mm, no,” Joe groans, moving even further onto Rami. “Comfy, wanna stay.”

“Joe, stop it,” Rami says, and finally Joe rolls off him. He sits up, looking around Joe’s room, seeing the time. “Oh, it’s early,” he says, a bit disappointed to be awake then.

Joe pushes himself up a bit and looks at the clock, then moves his arm over Rami’s chest, pulling him back down. “Back to sleep then,” he says, pressing his face to Rami’s shoulder, pressing a kiss there.

Rami smiles and looks over at Joe, reaching up to softly play with his hair. He’s wide awake now, even if Joe’s not. Though, he thinks he remembers Joe waking him up a few hours earlier, so this is fair play. “Thank you for my birthday party,” he says softly, and Joe smiles faintly, mouth against Rami’s skin. “And Sami’s birthday party.”

“My pleasure,” Joe says, taking a deep breath and wiggling a bit closer to Rami.

Rami swallows hard, looking down for a moment, then takes a deep breath. “Is there anything I can do to…thank you?” he asks. Joe looks up, and Rami immediately darts his eyes away, taking a sharp breath. He’s said it. He’s said it and he can’t take it back. Well, he can, he knows that he could change his mind, but it’s out there now.

“Rami,” Joe says, suddenly wide awake, and Rami feels a bit ashamed. It sounds like pity in Joe’s voice, and he can’t bear it. 

“No, never mind,” Rami says, trying to turn away from Joe.

“No, it’s not that,” Joe says, reaching out to stop him. “It’s just…you don’t _owe_ me anything, you know.”

Rami nods. “I know that. I just— I know I’ve never— but, I’m an adult. And you’re my boyfriend. If you don’t want to, that’s fine, just…” Rami swallows hard and shrugs. “I’m ready to try new things with you.”

Joe smiles slowly. “Really?” he asks.

Rami nods. “I’m inexperienced, not a child.”

“Okay, okay,” Joe says, lifting his hands in surrender. “Um, so…what are you thinking?” he asks.

Rami lifts his shoulders and shrugs. “I don’t know, really,” he says. “I’m not entirely sure I’m ready for…sex,” he says. Though he’s not as unfamiliar with the concept as Joe probably assumes; Roger never had any problem being open about it, much to Gwil’s chagrin. Rami’s heard a _lot_.

“Okay,” Joe says, nodding. “Just uh, just lay back, okay?”

“Okay,” Rami says, sounding a bit unsure. He lays back on the bed, shifting against the pillow, and looks up at Joe. “Should I close my eyes?” he asks softly.

“That’s up to you,” Joe asks, twisting a bit to reach over to his nightstand, pulling open the drawer. 

Rami keeps watching Joe for a moment, then decides to close his eyes because he feels too embarrassed to watch whatever he’s doing. After a few moments, he feels the blankets on top of him get pushed down a bit, and he shifts his hips. He swallows hard when he feels Joe’s hand push down past his stomach, sliding underneath the blankets, and then the waistband of his boxers. He gasps loudly, eyes shooting open when he feels Joe’s hand wrap around him.

Joe chuckles softly and starts to slowly stroke him, sliding against him easily with the lube he’d grabbed from the nightstand. “Is this okay?” he asks softly, breath tickling against Rami’s ear, and Rami groans, nodding quickly. “Good,” Joe says. “Has anyone ever…”

Rami shakes his head, closing his eyes again, feeling himself start to flush with embarrassment, and he reaches down, grabbing at Joe’s wrist.

“You want me to stop?” Joe asks, slowing his movements.

Rami shakes his head again, biting out his response. “No,” he says, “I just— need to hold onto something.” He gasps a bit, and thrusts his hips up.

Joe smiles and leans in, pressing his lips against Rami’s. “That’s okay,” he says, kissing him again. He pushes himself up a bit, the blankets pooling around his hips. He keeps his mouth on Rami’s as he keeps stroking him, then slowly starts trailing his mouth over Rami’s chin, down his neck, and over his chest.

Rami shifts under him, groaning softly. His hand goes up to the back of Joe’s head, winding into his hair. “Oh, Joe,” he breathes, and Joe chuckles softly. He likes the sound of that. 

Joe pushes himself up a bit and then moves further down Rami’s body, further down and further down until Rami can feel Joe’s mouth press at the skin around his belly button.

“Joe, stop,” Rami says, but he keeps thrusting his hips up into his fist.

“Are you sure?” Joe asks, a bit breathless with the idea of what they’re doing.

“I don’t know,” Rami admits after a long moment, swallowing hard. “Do you…mind it?” he asks nervously.

Joe smiles and shakes his head. “No, I love it,” he says, and he shifts again, pushing the blankets off of both of them, pulling Rami’s boxers all the way off his hips so that he can finally lean down all the way and take Rami into his mouth.

Rami gasps loudly, fingers immediately digging into Joe again, eyes squeezing shut. He whines and whimpers, hips thrusting up, and then he feels Joe’s arm pressing against him, holding down against the mattress. “Oh, Joe, I—” He grunts weakly, unable to focus on anything except the wet heat of Joe around him. It’s absolutely _divine_ and Rami can feel it in his whole body. 

He doesn’t last long, though it’s longer than he expected, given that it’s his first time, and he starts pushing at Joe to try to get him to move. “Joe, stop, I’m gonna—”

“No,” Joe says, briefly pulling off, wetting his lips, “wanna taste you.” He takes Rami in his mouth again and Rami’s voice breaks as he cries out, coming in Joe’s mouth. He takes several deep breaths, trying to collect himself. He can feel Joe pull off, and he wants to reach out and pull him towards him, to touch him as well, but he can hear Joe groaning softly and feels the jostling of Joe’s arm against him, realizing that Joe’s jerking off next to him.

Rami groans and tugs at Joe, pulling him on top of him, pressing up against him, kissing him. He’s a bit surprised with himself, having already forgotten where Joe’s mouth just was, but he wants him near him as Joe comes, and he finds he doesn’t mind the taste. Rami runs one of his hands up Joe’s back and then reaches between them. He’s just running his fingers over the head of Joe’s cock when Joe jerks and presses his weight entirely against him, and Rami can feel him coming onto his stomach.

Joe pulls back from the kiss and drops his head onto Rami’s chest, breathing heavily. The two of them rest there together, Joe rising and falling with Rami’s breathing, until Joe finally pushes himself off of him, collapsing back onto his part of the mattress. He smiles and looks over at Rami, who’s watching him dreamily. He likes being looked at like that.

“You’re so beautiful,” Rami says softly, running his fingers over Joe’s arm, watching him shiver.

Joe snorts, shaking his head. “I don’t know about that,” he murmurs, reaching up to scrub his hand over his face, pushing his hair back a bit.

Rami smiles and leans over, giving Joe a kiss. “You don’t have to know,” he says, resting against him. “I do. Thank you, Joe,” he says, snuggling a bit closer. “That was wonderful.”

“Thank you,” Joe says, wrapping an arm around Rami. He takes a deep breath and stretches out, wiggling a bit. He knows they should probably get up. Shower. Take Rami home. _Switch roommates_ , he thinks to himself, smiling. But just a _few_ more minutes in bed, that’s all he needs.

\+ + + + +

Ben pushes himself up in the bed, looking around. He doesn’t recognize it at all, he thinks, and then as he yawns and stretches out, he remembers the night before. Joe and Rami, right. Then he went home… _went to Gwil’s_ , he corrects himself. He knows he fell asleep on the sofa though, watching the sports news. Ben groans when he remembers waking up in the middle of the night, Gwil guiding him to Rami’s bed. It feels more like a dream than anything else, like it didn’t really happen. It’s fuzzy in his mind, but he remembers enough to feel embarrassed. He sighs and pushes the blankets off him, looking down. He’s still wearing the same shirt and trousers he’d worn all yesterday. A good thing, he assumes. He didn’t strip and Gwil didn’t strip him.

Ben gets up and walks over to the door, pausing with his hand on the door. He wonders if Gwil is awake. If he’s not, is it appropriate for Ben to just leave? Should he wait until Gwil is up to say goodbye? Or just text him? The question is moot because when Ben listens, he can hear the radio softly playing and footsteps in the flat. He takes a deep breath and pulls open the door, sticking his head out. He walks into the kitchen, seeing Gwil sitting at the table, a cup of coffee in front of him as he looks at something on his laptop. The one Ben got him, he thinks, and smiles.

“Morning,” he says, giving Gwil an apologetic smile when he startles a bit, looking up.

“Oh, good morning,” Gwil says happily, pushing his chair back from the table, standing up. “Coffee?”

“Oh, uh…” Ben wants to say no, that he should be getting home, but honestly, a cup of coffee sounds pretty great right about now. Still, he shakes his head. “No, thank you.”

“Oh,” Gwil says flatly, and Ben gives him a weak smile, wondering if Gwil sounds disappointed, or just tired.

“Thank you for letting me stay, though, ” Ben says, walking past the table, heading towards the door. He looks around. “Hopefully I wasn’t too much of a bother,” he says.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, of course not,” he assures him.

Ben nods once. “Is Rami home yet?” he asks. He finds himself wanting to stay, wants to keep talking to him. It almost feels…wrong to be leaving right now.

“Not yet, no,” Gwil replies. He takes another drink of coffee and then sets down his mug before he walks over to the door, standing by Ben.

Ben reaches down to grab his shoes, sliding them on. He adjusts the cuffs of his trousers and then straightens up, reaching up to grab his jacket off the hook by Gwil’s. He tugs it on, fiddling with the zipper, aware of the fact that Gwil’s standing behind him; he can almost feel him against his back, even though he can’t really. Like a phantom limb, he thinks. “Well,” Ben says, turning around, swallowing hard when he realizes just how close to him Gwil really is. He steps back towards the wall to get out of Gwil’s way, shoulders pressed against it. “I should go.” Gwil nods, looking down to meet Ben’s eyes. Ben just looks back, trying to give him a smile, but it feels so forced, he immediately drops it. “Thanks again,” he says softly. But he doesn’t turn to leave, and he just bites down on his lip, watching as Gwil leans in, reaching his hand up.

Belatedly Ben realizes that it’s probably to open the door for him, or fix a piece of Ben’s unruly morning hair, but he still tilts his head and starts to close his eyes anyway. Then they both hear the key in the lock, and they break apart, straightening up.

Rami pushes the door open and steps into the flat, then his feet falter, and he hovers in the doorway.

“What’s wrong?” Joe asks, peering into the doorway. He sees Ben and Gwil standing there a few feet away, looking at the open door in surprise, fear or…something written on their faces. Joe can’t immediately recognize it, but then Ben speaks and his expression changes immediately.

“Hi,” Ben says, zipping up his jacket. “Did you drive?” he asks. Joe nods dumbly, unable to speak. “Brilliant, let’s go.” Ben smiles at Rami, giving him a couple pats on the arm. “Happy birthday, Rami. See ya.” He brushes past him and then heads out into the hallway, glancing over at Joe.

“Uh, bye, Rami,” Joe says quickly. “Hi Gwil!” he says, hurrying after Ben. “What’s going on?” Joe asks softly, glancing back at the door.

“Nothing,” Ben says, shrugging. “I was just about to leave. Perfect timing.”

“So, what’s going on?” Joe asks, looking over at him as they step into the lift.

“ _Nothing_ ,” Ben says again.

“So, why did Rami seem shocked to see you there?” Joe asks.

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know, ask him.”

Joe sighs, looking over at Ben, watching him hurrying out of the lift as soon as the doors open. “Well, I’m not asking him, I’m asking my best friend, and I’d like to think he wouldn’t lie to me,” Joe says, following Ben outside to his car.

“I’m not lying,” Ben says, “nothing happened.” He tugs on the door handle and when it doesn’t open, he looks over at Joe. “Open it.”

“No,” Joe says, keeping the keys in his pocket. “What’s going on? Why’d you leave last night?”

“Because I didn’t want to hear you and Rami shagging in the next room,” Ben says.

“We weren’t _shagging_ ,” Joe says, rolling his eyes. “And what else?”

Ben shrugs. “I didn’t think it was fair that Gwil had to go home alone, so I walked with him. It was late.”

“And then you just stayed over,” Joe says. “Where’d you sleep?”

“The sofa,” Ben replies.

Joe snorts. “Really? The sofa?” He doesn’t believe it.

Ben nods. “Yeah. Until I woke up and Gwil put me to bed.” Joe’s eyes widen. “In _Rami’s_ room,” he corrects himself quickly. “Would you open the door?”

“Ben, just be honest with me for five seconds, okay?” Joe asks, tilting his head to the side a bit. “And it’s _not a big deal_ , I just want to know the truth. Okay. I can’t stand that you’re lying to me.”

Ben sighs, shifting on his feet. “Fine, what?” he asks quietly.

Joe quickly blows out a breath. “Well, one, are you attracted to Gwil?” he asks.

“You’re the one who said he was handsome,” Ben reminds him of the conversation they’d had almost two months earlier. “That I purposely picked the fit one? Remember?”

“I do,” Joe says, nodding. “I also remember you denying you thought he was hot.”

“Well, he is,” Ben says. “So? So are you, so’s Rami. Who cares? Can you let me in the car now?”

“Oh come on, Ben,” Joe says. “Yes, I’ll give you Rami, but you know damn well that Gwil and I are not the same kind of handsome. That’s a lie. And not even a good one. Come on, be honest.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Fine, yes. He’s handsome. So? I’m not blind.”

“Rami’s noticed it too,” Joe says. 

Ben frowns. “Noticed what?” he asks, voice starting to waver a bit.

“The way you look at each other,” Joe says. “You and Gwil. And I just think…I know you’re convincing yourself that it’s not okay to have feelings for him because of Roger. But ignoring that. Ignoring everything about Roger—”

“That’s not possible,” Ben says, tugging on the door handle again. “I can’t just _ignore_ Roger, he’s there, okay. All the time. He’s the love of Gwil’s life, the one that got away, the one that he blames himself for losing. Gwil’s not just going to forget that. Him. Ever. Certainly not now.” He sighs, shifting on his feet. “Joe, would you please unlock the door?” he asks, voice small.

Joe sighs and finally does, just out of pity, and Ben immediately gets in, pulling on his seatbelt. He opens his own door and climbs in alongside him, looking over at Ben. “Did something happen between you two?” Joe asks softly. “Last night, maybe? Or in London?” He’s determined to get the truth out of him.

Ben shakes his head, bringing his thumb up to his mouth, starting to gnaw on it nervously.

Joe sighs and reaches over, hooking his finger around Ben’s thumb, pulling it away from his mouth. It's his least favourite nervous habit of Ben's. “So what’s going on then?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “I just…” he trails off, starting to pick at a thread on his trousers. He drops his head forward, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Ben, come on,” Joe says softly, reaching out to squeeze Ben’s shoulder. “Just say it, I think you’ll feel better. Once it’s out there.”

Ben clears his throat and opens his eyes, but doesn’t lift his head up. “I don’t know,” he says finally, waving his hand. “I think, maybe, that…part of me has feelings for him,” he says finally, shaking his head. 

“I think that maybe more than part of you has feelings for him,” Joe says.

Ben swallows hard, and then nods quickly. “I do,” he says. “I, I—”

Joe pushes himself up a bit, pulling Ben into a hug. “It’s okay,” he says softly, squeezing Ben to his chest.

“It’s not,” Ben says, shaking his head, clutching at Joe’s back. “I— I’m supposed to— he’s got—”

“Shh, just take a second,” Joe says softly, taking a deep breath. “It’s okay,” he says, rubbing his hands over Ben’s back.

Ben sighs and rests heavily against Joe. “I don’t know what you want me to say,” he says quietly.

“What do you want to say?” Joe asks. “Tell me. I’m here. That’s why I’m here.”

Ben shakes his head. “I’m a bloody idiot for letting myself fall for the one guy who’ll never love me back.”

Joe swallows hard, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He doesn’t know what to say. Maybe not _never_ , but certainly not soon. But then again, he’s seen the looks Gwil gives Ben sometimes too, and they’re not uncaring.

“It’s not a big deal,” Ben says suddenly, pulling back. “It’s just— he’s fit. And there. And I— I’m lonely.” He looks away from Joe’s eyes. “Who wouldn’t start to fancy him. It’s not a big deal,” he says again. “I’ll get over it.” He smiles. “Promise.”

“What if you don’t?” Joe asks. “What if this is like, a for real thing?”

Ben rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “It’s not.”

“Well, I— I’ve never seen you like this before, Ben,” Joe says. “It’s not like it happens every other week or something. This is big for you.”

Ben shrugs. “And it’ll pass. It’s _nothing_. It’s just— ugh, I don’t know. Seeing you and Rami. Missing home. Stress. It’s a lot. But it’s nothing.” He gives Joe a weak smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and Joe can tell it’s fake. Ben reaches up to scratch at his cheek. “Don’t worry about me, yeah? I’ll be alright.”

“Ben,” Joe says softly, but Ben just waves him off. 

“How was your night?” he asks suddenly, and Joe looks away. “Yeah?” Ben asks, playfully nudging Joe. “That good, huh?”

Joe tries not to smile, just shakes his head. He doesn’t want to change the subject, he wants to keep talking to his friend, try to help him like he knows he should, but he also… “Yeah, it was good,” he says softly, and when he looks back over, Ben is grinning. It’s a bit more genuine this time.

“Good,” Ben says softly, “I’m chuffed. You two are good together.” 

Joe sees Ben quickly blink though, and when Joe pretends to look out the window, he can see Ben reaching up to wipe at his eyes. _Fuck_ , Joe thinks.

\+ + + + +

Gwil shifts and sits back down at the kitchen table, picking up his coffee. “Morning,” he says to Rami, giving him a quick smile.

“Good morning,” Rami says, watching Gwil carefully as he shrugs off his jacket. “How are you?” he asks, setting his gifts from Ben and Joe down on the counter.

“Fine,” Gwil says. “Did you want a coffee?” he asks.

Rami shakes his head. “No, I’ll make a tea,” he says, walking over to the stove. He fills the kettle, setting it on the stove, turning and leaning against the counter, watching Gwil. “What are you reading?” he asks.

“Nothing, just the cricket,” Gwil says, looking up at him.

Rami nods slowly, looking around the flat. He sees the blankets on the sofa, and feels himself breath a bit of a sigh of relief. Ben must have slept there, he thinks. That doesn’t explain what he saw when he opened the door, though. He shifts on his feet, drumming his fingers against the counter. “Did you sleep well?” he asks, trying to sound casual.

Gwil smiles, and nods. “I did,” he says. “Did you?” There’s a bit of tease to Gwil’s voice though.

Rami swallows hard and can feel himself start to smile even though he really doesn’t want to. “Yes, it was lovely,” he says softly.

“Good,” Gwil says, nodding. “Good.”

They’re silent until the water boils, and Rami pours himself a cup of tea, carefully carrying it over to the kitchen table, sitting down across from Gwil. “Did you have a nice time yesterday?” he asks.

Gwil nods eagerly. “It was lovely. I know celebrating your birthday wasn’t your idea of fun, but I had a wonderful time. And yes, I like Joe,” he says, chuckling softly.

“Right,” Rami says. He looks down at his tea. “And, Ben?” he asks, looking up.

“What about him?” Gwil asks.

“You like him,” Rami says.

Gwil looks at him for a moment and then shrugs. “Of course I do. Oh, he uh, slept in your bed last night, I hope that’s alright.”

Rami frowns, thinking of the blankets on the sofa. “That’s fine,” he says, a bit confused.

“Good,” Gwil says, bringing his coffee mug up to his mouth, taking a long sip.

Rami shifts on the chair and then just shakes his head. “Were you about to kiss?” he asks suddenly. Gwil looks at him, frozen. “When I came in,” Rami continues, “were you about to kiss?”

Gwil continues staring, and then huffs a laugh of disbelief. “I would never betray Roger,” he says, shaking his head.

Rami sighs. “Gwil, it’s— it’s not betraying him. It’s— you’re _never_ going to kiss someone again? Because of him?”

“Rami,” Gwil says, rolling his eyes, “it’s been two months. I can’t believe you’d think that of me.”

“Gwil, I don’t think anything of you,” Rami says, “I want you to be happy, and if being with Ben—”

Gwil braces his hands on the edge of the table, ready to move. “Roger’s— it’s been _two months_ ,” he says again. “And you think I’m with Ben?”

“I see the way you look at him!” Rami says. “And the way he looks at you. Gwil, I don’t think it’s wrong, I think it’s…I think it makes sense. And I just— just stop lying to me, alright? We don’t lie to each other. Do you love him?”

“You’re wrong,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “I would _never_. Just, just stop it, alright? God, Rami, Roger was your friend too, and now you just want me to be with Ben instead?” He pushes himself back from the table, and hurries to the balcony door, throwing it open. God, it felt like he couldn’t _breathe_ in there, he thinks, taking a deep breath of the morning air. He looks out on the city, clutching at the balcony railing, hot tears springing up in his eyes. He takes his glasses off, holding them in one hand as his head falls forward, shoulders starting to shake. He wants to scream. His whole body feels warm, he can hear his heart pounding as the blood rushes in his ears.

Rami stares at the balcony, mouth hanging open in disbelief. After a moment, he slowly pushes his chair back from table, walking towards the door. He rests against the doorframe; he has no idea what to say, or do. His first instinct is to run to Joe, tell him what happened, but _no_ , he thinks. Gwil’s here. Rami is going to stay right here with him. Just like he always does.

Gwil glances back at the door, seeing Rami standing there, giving him a sympathetic smile. Gwil whimpers and looks away again. Not because he’s angry with Rami, or Ben, or anybody else. But because he’s embarrassed. Ashamed of himself.

All he can think about is the look on Ben’s face before Rami opened the door. The way he felt when he put Ben to bed the night before. He knows he still loves Roger, but…

 _It might not be just Roger anymore_ , Gwil thinks. He feels Rami’s hand on his arm, letting him know that he’s there for him, and then Gwil finally collapses into his sobs, shoulders shaking even harder with his cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • sorry for posting early, but I have a work event tomorrow night I didn't want to have to worry about!  
> • plus god knows we're all gagging for Ben and Gwil after that Instagram post so I was REALLY excited to post.  
> • I don't even really know what to say about this chapter, ha.  
> • the fruits of Gwil and Joe's labour, Egyptian food! Rami's presents! an extra place setting for Sami!  
> • Rami and Joe! I adore them and I thought it was sweet, so, I hope people are happy they're moving forward!!  
> • Ben and Gwil almost kissing? both of them admitting their feelings?? who are they??????  
> • I think of how Chapter 10 felt like a season finale because Gwil finally spoke to Ben.  
> • this feels like a season finale too because of all the emotions.  
> • they're slowly digging themselves out of denial though.  
> • still a long, very angsty road ahead, though, I'm sorry.


	21. Chapter 21

There’s been a shift in the group since Rami’s birthday party. Sure, it’s only been a few days, but they haven’t hung out together, all four of them, since. Rami and Joe have spent time together most days, but both of them are hesitant to leave their flats, and leave Ben and Gwil alone with their thoughts. Rami in particular. At least Joe can trust Ben to focus on work if he doesn’t want to talk about Gwil, but Rami’s worried that Gwil has nowhere else to put his time and thoughts, so he wants to stay close by in case Gwil needs him. Which he doesn’t seem to, at least not outwardly. He seems…okay, Rami thinks. He hasn’t brought up Roger or his feelings for Ben since, which doesn’t surprise Rami. But it does worry him a bit. He doesn’t know exactly how to help him, but he doesn’t think that Gwil just ignoring it completely is the best way to go about things. It doesn’t seem healthy.

Besides, Rami likes Ben. He wants to be able to hang out with him, and see him on a regular basis. And he likes the four of them being together. They fit together, belong that way. Even in the few days since his birthday party, it feels like something’s missing. And it hurts.

It’s another day where Rami hasn’t left the flat except for a coffee and a quick walk with Joe, but now he’s back in his flat for the evening, sitting at the kitchen table with the journal in front of him and a cup of tea off to the side.

Rami slowly flips the page of the journal again, carefully picking up his drink to have a sip while he reads. Sami had remained a teacher in Perth for the duration of the war; he had considered joining up, but he was worried about not being able to return to teaching in the future. He never wanted to leave his students. The BIS also highly encouraged him against it; Rami thinks they probably played it off as caring about his well-being, when in reality, they most likely wanted to keep him alive just in case the Mercury returned. No twin tests if one of the twins is gone, he thinks. The BIS probably wasn’t expecting to lose Rami. He wonders how disappointed they were about losing that data.

Unlike Gwil’s letters, which end in the mid-1940s, Sami’s journal continues into the early 1950s. He talks about their mother’s death, as she passed away in 1949. And Yasmine’s children; she hadn’t even been engaged when Rami left, but she apparently quickly wed once war broke out, her husband going to fight. She’d had one child in 1940, a girl named Maryam. After the war ended, she welcomed two more children, boys: Said, after Rami’s father, and George, after Yasmine’s husband.

Rami sighs, flipping the next page. He’s read it so many times now since Joe gave it to him, he almost has it committed to memory, but there’s still so many questions he has. Sami almost never talks himself and his life, or his relationships. Rami assumes that because Sami never mentioned a girlfriend or wife that he didn’t have one, but…he can’t figure out why. Sami had dated before, brought girls home. He’d tried to keep up a relationship with a woman in London when they moved to Perth, but it failed pretty quickly. Rami wonders why he never tried again. If there were no teachers in Perth that caught his eye. 

Was he…waiting for Rami to come back? Not willing to move on until his brother came home? Did Rami’s apparent death just depress Sami to the point that he couldn’t be in a relationship? Rami has no idea. Sami’s entries are all fairly upbeat and optimistic, given the circumstances. He clearly misses Rami, and Gwil as well, but he always seems so sure that they’d come home. Up until September 1952, anyway, when the entries stop, a few blank pages still left in the journal.

Rami closes the journal and sighs. He picks up his drink and thinks on it. How could he find out more information? He knows he or Joe or someone could easily check the records and find out when they died, but more about… _them_. As people. That means more than just visiting their graves.

For awhile now, Rami has been thinking about the possibility that he still has living family. He had a niece and two nephews. Certainly at least one of them had children? And their children had children? Would anybody alive today know about their family members from a hundred years ago?

Rami drums his fingers on the kitchen table, glancing over at Gwil, who’s comfortably curled up in the living room, his nose in a book. Gwil had been the first to jump at the chance to see his family’s graves, but he didn’t seem to have much interest in meeting with anybody in his family who was actually alive. At least, he hasn’t said anything about it to Rami. He wonders what Gwil would think about Rami wanting to do it. He takes a final drink of his tea and pushes his chair back, walking quietly into the living room, carefully sitting down beside him on the sofa.

“Hello,” Gwil says turning the page, not looking up.

“How are you? Rami asks, leaning against him.

“Brilliant, yeah,” Gwil says, nodding. 

Rami watches Gwil until he finally looks up, smiling down at him, reaching out to playfully ruffle his hair until Rami laughs and squirms away. “Rude,” Rami says, reaching up to fix his curls.

“How’s the journal this time ‘round?” Gwil asks, settling in and going back to his book.

Rami shrugs. “I don’t know, really. I love it, but…it feels like it’s missing something. The whole story isn’t there.”

“Right,” Gwil says, nodding slowly. 

“Do you think it ends in 1952 because that’s when he died?” Rami asks suddenly, and Gwil immediately closes his book, setting it down on his lap.

“I don’t know,” Gwil says, turning to Rami. “Do you want to know?”

“I’d like to,” Rami says. “He would’ve been so young, and I want to know what happened to him.”

“Okay,” Gwil says. “Alright. Well, let’s find out, yeah?”

Rami sighs. “I’ve been thinking that…I should try to find them. My family. If anyone is still alive, and maybe they know what happened to him and Yasmine. They could tell me about them.”

Gwil swallows once, looking at Rami for a moment before nodding once. “Alright,” he says finally. “I think that’s a good idea, if you’d like to.”

Rami swallows hard, knowing he’s about to bring up something that Gwil isn’t going to like, but Rami still thinks it’s the best idea. “Maybe Ben could help,” Rami says, carefully avoiding Gwil’s eyes. Although Gwil hasn't brought up Ben or his feelings, any mention of Ben around Gwil in the past few days still causes him to clam up a bit, stutter and try to change the subject as quickly as possible. “Since he helped you in London,” he explains quickly.

“Right,” Gwil says quietly. “Well, you’d have to ask him,” he says, picking his book back up.

Rami frowns, and reaches out, pushing the book back down to Gwil’s lap, looking up at him. “Or I could ask Joe?” 

Gwil shrugs. “Whatever you think is best,” he says. “I certainly wish I could help, but…I wouldn’t know where to start, really. I do hope you find out whatever you’re looking for, though, Rami.”

Rami smiles and pushes himself up a bit, leaning against Gwil, giving him a playful kiss on the forehead. “I know,” he says, “thank you.” He studies Gwil for a moment. “You too,” he says finally, then settles back down against him.

Gwil looks down in surprise at that, frowning. He wants to speak up, correct him and say that he’s not looking for anything, but he just decides to stay silent. He can’t take the arguing.

“What are you reading, anyway?” Rami asks, glancing over at Gwil’s book. Gwil lifts up the cover so that Rami can read it: _The Birds and Other Stories_. Rami smiles, immediately recognizing it as the one Ben picked out for him.

\+ + + + +

Rami had barely managed to convince Gwil to come with him when Joe told him to come over whenever. Gwil had insisted that he was tired, and would just rather stay home; that Ben and Joe could help him, and Gwil would be of no use. Rami feels a little bad about guilting Gwil into coming with him, telling him how much he wants him there when he finds out whatever Ben and Joe can find about any family he might have, that after everything they’ve been through (implying that he really means everything Gwil _put_ him through), that Rami _needs_ Gwil there. Gwil shut up pretty quickly after that, and reluctantly followed Rami over to Ben and Joe’s flat.

Rami is sitting beside Joe at their kitchen table, Ben across from him. They both have their laptops open, working, while Gwil is sitting in the living room, nose in a book he brought along from their flat. Rami could convince him to come, but he couldn’t convince him to leave it at home. He noticed though, that Gwil has switched out his book for something else, something that Ben didn’t pick out for him. He sighs. Rami keeps glancing back and forth between Ben and Joe, waiting for one of them to speak up.

“Rami, calm down,” Joe says, picking up his drink, taking a sip as he keeps scrolling with the other hand. “Nothing’s going on yet, okay? We’re just still looking.”

Rami shifts uncomfortably in his seat and then pushes himself up, starting to pace. Joe gives him a look though, and Rami moves into the living room, standing in front of Gwil, who takes a moment before looking up from his book.

“Yes?” Gwil asks, amused.

“What if I don’t have any family here at all?” Rami asks. “I might not. Maybe they all emigrated. Or died. And maybe none of them had any children to begin with, and I’m the last person—”

“Rami, stop,” Gwil says, kindly but firm. “Stop worrying. Ben and Joe are going to find something, just give them five minutes without you breathing down their necks, yeah? It’s alright. Do you want to sit?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Rami says, starting to pace again. “I feel so nervous, and I don’t know why! Nothing’s even happened yet, there’s _no_ reason to be nervous. I just— now that I’ve started thinking about it, it’s all that I can think about.”

Gwil pats the sofa next to him, and Rami drops down heavily, putting his head in his hands. Gwil sets down his book and wraps his arms around Rami’s shoulder, grunting in surprise when Rami turns around, throwing himself at Gwil in a hug.

“What if he died?” Rami asks, and Gwil starts rubbing Rami’s back in small circles.

“Rami,” Gwil says, starting carefully, “I'm sorry, but you know that he did.”

“I know,” Rami says, pulling back, looking away, “but what if he died young? What other reason is there for him to stop the journal when he did? He didn’t say goodbye, he didn’t say he was ending it.”

Gwil frowns. “I don’t know, mate. I’m sorry. I know this is hard for you.”

Rami nods and shifts on the sofa, taking a deep breath. “I just— I shouldn’t worry about it. Whatever happened to him, happened so long ago, I— I can’t do anything about it now. I can’t change it.”

“It’s alright to still be upset, though,” Gwil says, and Rami looks over at him understandingly. 

“Right,” Rami agrees, nodding. He takes a deep breath and starts drumming his fingers on his knees. Gwil reaches out and rests his hand on Rami’s back, trying to calm him down a bit more until Ben and Joe are able to find something in the records.

After awhile, Joe pops his head around the corner, gesturing to the two of them. “Come on,” he says softly.

Gwil and Rami look at each other, Gwil giving Rami a comforting smile, following Rami into the kitchen. Rami takes his seat beside Joe again, and watches as Gwil slowly approaches the spot next to Ben, avoiding Ben’s eyes as he pulls the chair out and sits down.

“It’s bad news, isn’t it?” Rami says after a moment, looking back and forth between Ben and Joe. He can tell. The mood has shifted in the room.

Ben and Joe both let out small sighs, glancing across the table at each other. “Well, what do you want to hear first?” Ben asks.

“What happened to Sami,” Rami says immediately.

Joe noticeably swallows and looks desperately over at Ben, who’s drumming his hands on the table.

“Oh,” Rami says softly, looking down. “It _is_ bad news, isn’t it.”

Joe reaches out and takes Rami’s hand, squeezing it gently. “I’m so sorry, Rami.”

Rami squeezes his eyes shut, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “No, no, it’s— it’s alright, I— I knew that he was gone, I—” He blows out a deep shaky breath. “It’s alright.”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Joe says. “Not if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to know,” Rami says. When he lifts his head to look up, his eyes are already bright with tears, and he's starting to feel a bit nauseous.

Gwil has to look away before he starts to cry as well, and he glances over at Ben, who’s staring at his computer screen. “Tell him,” he says softly, nudging Ben’s shoulder.

Ben looks over at Gwil in surprise, and then nods once. “Uh, in October 1952…”

Rami quickly draws a breath, realizing the significance of the date. Sami’s entries stopped in September of that year.

“There was a train crash,” Ben continues. He looks up to the ceiling, eyes wide, trying not to cry. “Uh, there was an overnight express train from Perth, heading to London. Sami was on it. Over a hundred people died.”

“No,” Rami says softly, shaking his head. He reaches up to wipe at his eyes, tears spilling over. “No, I— that’s not fair.”

“I’m so sorry, Rami,” Joe says again, keeping Rami’s hand in his. “And Gwil, I know he was your friend too.”

Gwil nods jerkily, looking down at his lap, picking at a thread on his belt loop.

“There’s a memorial, in London, at the station,” Ben says, roughly wiping at his face. “If you’d like to visit it sometime.”

Rami nods, softly crying, trying to keep it in, his shoulders shaking.

“I’m so sorry,” Joe says again, pulling Rami into a hug, letting him cry into his chest as he rubs his hands up and down Rami’s back, trying to comfort him.

Ben shifts in his chair, looking over at Gwil, who’s still staring down at his hands. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, his fingers clenching as he almost reaches out to Gwil, but he chooses not to.

“Thank you,” Gwil says after a moment, voice rough.

They all sit in silence for minutes on end as Rami cries into Joe, his shoulders shaking, tears streaming down Joe’s cheeks as well, holding Rami tightly against him. It reminds both Ben and Gwil of the tears Gwil shed in London, Ben having to hold him and comfort him.

After awhile, Joe carefully pulls back, taking Rami’s face in his hands, looking at him. “You alright?” Rami nods, wiping at his drying cheeks. “Yeah, you’re alright,” he says, giving Rami a kiss and a gentle smile.

Ben looks away at that, trying to not look at Gwil either. That part doesn't remind him of London, but he wishes it did.

“There’s good news too, babe,” Joe says, rubbing his thumbs over Rami’s cheekbones.

“Yeah?” Rami asks, sniffling and wiping at his face, trying not to blush or laugh at the pet name.

Joe nods eagerly, turning back to his laptop, Rami resting against him a bit so that he can see the screen. “Yeah, you have lots and lots of great-great-nieces and nephews.”

Rami immediately smiles at that, his face lighting up. “I do?” he asks.

“Yeah, you do,” Joe nods. “Yasmine’s three kids all had kids of their own, and they all had kids of their own.”

Rami’s eyes fill with tears again and he nods happily. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Joe says, turning to Rami, ruffling his hair lightly before pressing a kiss to the top of the head. “Your family’s still alive, Rami. You didn’t lose them, they’re right here.”

Rami wipes at his eyes, reaching out for the laptop before he looks over at Gwil, who’s watching him with a smile on his face. “Gwil,” he says, and Gwil just nods.

“I know,” he says. “I heard.”

Rami glances over at Ben, who’s smiling as well, and then looks back at the computer. “These are them?”

“Yup, these are them,” Joe says. “None of Yasmine’s children are still alive, but most of their children still are.”

“Can we find them?” Rami asks, looking up at Joe, then across the table at Ben.

Ben nods. “Sure, I don’t know why not. They were all born in the UK, so unless they left…”

“I could meet them,” Rami says softly, looking at the list of names. But then he frowns, straightening up a bit. “What if they don’t want to meet me?” he asks, glancing around the table at the other three. For once, Gwil and Ben seem focused on him and the matter at hand, instead of whatever awkward tension is going on between them.

“Why wouldn’t they?” Ben asks. “I know I would.”

“But—” Rami sighs, looking over at Gwil. “Do you really think it’s a good idea?” he asks.

“Yes,” Gwil says, reaching across the table to take Rami’s hand in his. “If _you_ want to, which I know you do. The journal is brilliant,” he says, eyes flicking over to Ben automatically, “but you said it yourself, it’s not enough. Not for you, you love your family.”

“What if they don’t like me?” Rami asks, looking down. “What if— what if they’re angry at me? Or, what if they don’t even know who I am? Maybe no one told them about me. Maybe I just…”

“Your sister loved you,” Joe says, turning in his seat to look at Rami. “If you had children, wouldn’t you tell them about her?”

“Of course,” Rami says, “absolutely.” His mind briefly imagines himself with children then, and he has to tell himself to not get distracted.

“Then why wouldn’t she tell them about you?” Joe continues. “Her brother, the famous engineer on board the Mercury…I’m sure her kids grew up hearing all about you. And that her kids told their kids, and their kids told _their_ kids. They’re probably super proud of you, Rami. Like, come on! They’re going to love you. I mean, one of them is named after you!”

“I don’t know,” Rami says, shaking his head. “It’s too much,” he says. “Too soon, I— I’m not ready.”

“Rami, you’re ready,” Ben says. “Come on, you’ve _been_ ready. I think you should do it.”

Rami turns to Gwil, who’s nodding along with Ben.

“Absolutely,” Gwil says. “Ben’s right, you’re ready.”

“I don’t feel ready, though,” Rami says. “I’m so nervous.”

“Of course,” Gwil says, “you will be no matter what. But that doesn’t mean you’re not ready. It’s anxiety, anticipation. I think you’ll meet them, and they’ll be absolutely lovely, they’ll be so happy. Just think, maybe— everyone in their— _your_ family before them has hoped to meet you. And they get to! You could be making them so happy, Rami.”

Rami looks down, twisting his hands together on his lap. “Then why don’t you want to meet yours?” he asks, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. It’s something he’s been wondering, but that he’s never actually vocalized.

Gwil sits back a bit in his seat, looking over at Ben, who’s avoiding his eyes, and Joe, whose eyes are wide in surprise. “That’s…uh, personal,” he says finally, looking down.

“I’m sorry,” Rami says quickly, “I shouldn’t have said that. I just— I’m scared. I— don’t know what they’ll think of me. What if they think I’m odd? What if I haven’t learned enough yet to talk to them?”

“Rami, you know enough,” Ben assures him. “You talk to Joe and I all the time. Besides, it doesn’t have to be a big—” he gestures in the air, “ _thing_ ,” he finishes. “It can just be an hour, thirty minutes. A cup of tea and out the door. If you don’t get on, just leave.” Ben shrugs, smiling.

“Yeah, like when Ben visits his family,” Joe says, gesturing towards him. He means it as a joke, trying to lighten the mood and make Rami smile, but it doesn’t work.

Ben immediately loses the smile and rolls his eyes at the comment. He’s explained the situation to Joe before, but Joe still finds it difficult to wrap his head around someone not wanting to be with their family all the time.

“Leave him alone,” Gwil says suddenly, and Ben looks over at him, surprised to hear himself being defended by Gwil, of all people. “Rami, what Ben and I do with _our_ families has nothing to do with yours. Do you want to know what happened to them?”

“Yes,” Rami says, nodding. 

“Do you want to meet them?” Gwil asks.

Rami pauses for a moment, and then nods. “Yes, I— I would.”

“Then,” Gwil says, lifting his hand, shrugging. “And whatever you need from us, we’ll do it.”

Rami taps his foot incessantly on the floor, looking around at all three of them, finally coming to Joe. “Alright,” he says finally. “I’d…like to meet them, I guess. Or ask them to meet me.”

Joe grins at him. “Yeah?” he asks, and Rami nods again. “Uh…how do we do it?” he asks, shaking his head. “Ben?” he asks, looking over at him. “Policy guru, should you contact them, or?”

Ben thinks for a moment, debating ignoring Joe for his previous comment, but he wants to help Rami too much for that. “I suppose, yeah. Might come off as more official, that.”

“Use your fancy IIS letterhead,” Joe says, clicking his tongue at him as he points. “That’ll be really good.”

“Sure,” Ben says. “We can work on it together, Rami, yeah? Make sure I don’t say anything you don’t want me to."

Rami smiles, nodding nervously. “That sounds lovely, yeah,” he says.

“Brilliant,” Ben says, smiling back at him. “Whenever you’d like, just let me know.” Rami nods. Ben gives Joe a bit of a glare and then pushes his chair back from the table. He walks over to the door and grabs his cigarettes and lighter from his jacket, hanging up there, and heads out onto the balcony.

“I wish he wouldn’t do that,” Joe mutters.

“Well, maybe he wouldn’t if you didn’t upset him,” Gwil snaps, and he pushes his chair back as well.

Joe’s eyes widen in surprise as he watches Gwil stand up, wondering if he’s going to follow Ben out onto the balcony. _That_ would shock him, but no, Gwil just heads out of the kitchen and back into the living room. He glances over at Rami, a bit embarrassed at his joke, which he really did just mean as a joke, but Rami’s just got his thumb in his mouth, biting on his nail. Joe sighs, and reaches over, tugging his thumb out of his mouth like he’s done for Ben numerous times before. “Don’t be nervous,” he says. “You haven’t even written them yet, right? It’s okay.”

Rami nods, looking over at Joe, smiling gratefully. He leans in and gives him a quick kiss. “Okay,” he says, “if you say so.”

“Well I do!” Joe says loudly, before starting to laugh. “I think it’s going to be great. Who wouldn’t want to meet you?”

“You’re just saying that,” Rami says quietly, and gives him another kiss. He looks up when Ben walks back into the flat, closing the balcony door behind him. 

Ben glances into the living room, sees Gwil there, then looks into the kitchen, seeing Joe and Rami watching him. Ben just shakes his head and walks past them all, heading into his bedroom.

“You should talk to him,” Rami says softly, looking at Joe.

“I know,” Joe says, taking a deep breath. He pushes his chair back and heads over to Ben’s bedroom, where he hasn’t closed the door all the way. 

As Joe knocks gently and asks if he can come in, Rami pushes himself up and heads into the living room to sit down next to Gwil. “We can leave, if you’d like,” he says.

“Whenever you’d like,” Gwil replies, crossing his arms, staring at the television.

Rami sighs and twists to see if he can see Joe. “That was nice of you to say about Ben,” he says, settling back.

Gwil shrugs. “I just know he doesn’t like to talk about it, is all.”

In Ben’s room, he’s busying himself with the laundry he did earlier, folding it and putting it into his dresser while Joe stands a few feet behind him. 

“It was a dick thing to say, and I’m sorry,” Joe says.

Ben glances over his shoulder at him and shrugs. “It’s fine.”

“Is that why you’re doing chores?” Joe asks.

Ben shrugs again. “Sorry, what should I be doing?” he asks. “I thought we were done.”

“You’re in here avoiding him,” Joe says, glancing behind him, then reaching out to shut the door. “Which I’m pretty sure you can’t do forever.”

“I’m not,” Ben says. “And besides, I could, if I wanted to. We don’t need to be in the same room _all the time_ , yeah? He and I are barely friends anyway. The program is just a job.” He feels sick saying it though, and even Joe flinches a bit in surprise at Ben’s words.

“Wow,” Joe says softly. “Okay, changed your tune a bit there, I think, but whatever you gotta tell yourself, Benny.” He sighs. “Whatever, I’m sorry for what I said. I’m going back out there to hang out with my _friends_.” He walks out of Ben’s room, leaving the door wide open behind him, just to purposely annoy him.

Ben turns back to look at the door, groaning. He walks across the room, grabbing onto the door to close it, but then he takes a deep breath, and walks back out into the flat, flicking off his bedroom light as he goes. He slowly walks into the living room, seeing Gwil and Rami sitting together on the sofa, and Joe off by himself in the chair. He frowns, knowing that he could sit down on the sofa with Gwil and Rami, there’s plenty of room, but just…

Rami looks up at Ben, giving him a smile, and Ben can’t help but smile back, such is the power of Rami and his bright grin, but Gwil doesn’t pay him any mind, just stares at the television. Ben sighs, contemplating going back out onto the balcony for another cigarette, but eventually just sits down on the floor in front of the sofa, legs curled up to avoid the table in front of him. He tilts his head back, resting against the sofa cushions. He can feel Rami shift behind him, and hopes that he doesn’t offer to get up and make room for him. Instead, he just briefly feels Rami reaching out to tug playfully at one of his more unruly pieces of hair. When he looks back, Rami is leaning down towards him.

“Are you alright?” he asks quietly, and Ben nods.

“Yeah, fine,” Ben replies.

“I didn’t like what he said either,” Rami says, and Ben briefly looks away.

“It’s alright,” Ben nods. “Not a big deal.”

“Do you want to go to the IIS with me tomorrow?” Rami asks.

“What for?” Ben asks, twisting a bit to get a better look at him.

Rami shrugs. “To give you a break from all this,” he says. Ben smiles, and Rami smiles back. “And to get that _‘fancy IIS letterhead’_ Joe mentioned. I’d like to write my family soon.”

“Yeah, okay,” Ben says, nodding his agreement.

“Okay, thank you,” Rami says, and he leans back again, settling against Gwil’s side.

\+ + + + +

Ben thought it would take some convincing for Joe to _not_ tag along with him and Rami, but Joe just shrugged it off and said that he should finally take the chance to video-chat with his family in New York and let them know all that had happened in the past couple of weeks with Rami. He was also worried that, when the car pulled up in front of Rami’s building, Gwil would come walking out alongside him, but he doesn't. It's just Rami, in sunglasses and a black denim jacket, looking cooler than Ben thought he himself ever could. Rami’s adapted well to the 21st century, Ben thinks.

“Hi,” Rami says, smiling at Ben as he climbs into the car.

“Hey,” Ben says, drumming his fingers on the wheel, discreetly keeping his eye on the front door of Rami’s building before he reaches down to the screen, quickly finding the address of the Space Operations Centre.

“He’s not coming,” Rami says, looking back at the door. “He’s staying in today.”

“Right, yeah,” Ben says as the car starts off.

“I didn’t ask him,” Rami says.

Ben casually shrugs. “Oh, no? Well, he’d be more than welcome to.”

“Are you sure?” Rami asks. “I’ve noticed that things have been rather…tense for the last few days.”

Ben looks over at Rami, who’s watching him knowingly. “What, did Joe say something?” Ben asks. He’d wondered if Rami knew about Ben’s feelings, if Joe had run off and told him. He’d hoped that he hadn’t, but it also wouldn’t have surprised him.

Rami shakes his head. “No, I— I didn’t know there was anything for Joe to say. I just…can tell, is all.” Rami pauses for a moment before making a decision. “Considering I walked in on you about to kiss,” he finishes.

“We—” Ben scoffs and shakes his head. “That was stupid, I— just confused myself, it wasn’t a big deal.”

“Well, that’s better than Gwil just getting angry and denying that anything happened at all,” Rami says. 

Ben rolls his eyes. Of Gwil wouldn't admit it. He knew it was a mistake. “No point in denying it, you know what you saw.” He clears his throat and looks down at his lap. “Sorry to put you in an awkward position.”

“What’s awkward about it?” Rami asks. 

Ben shrugs. “Well, Gwil’s your best mate, and now you’re in here, with me, when I’m sure he’d rather you weren’t.”

“Gwil’s not like that,” Rami says, shaking his head. “He wouldn't try to keep me from you. I think he’s just more confused than anything.”

“Uh, I don’t think so,” Ben says, “he seems to have a pretty good idea of what’s going on. It’s not got to be a thing, really. I’ve fancied blokes who don’t fancy me back before, I’ll be fine.”

“I think that he does have feelings for you,” Rami says, and Ben thinks for a moment that he can feel his heart stop as he slowly turns to look at Rami. “But…he still thinks of it as betraying Roger, and I…”

“Right,” Ben breathes softly, propping his elbow up against the car window, leaning his head on his hand. 

“He’ll come ‘round,” Rami says, and Ben just shakes his head.

“No,” Ben says, “I’d really rather he didn’t, I— don’t want to be with someone who feels guilty about being with me, and I don’t want him to be with me just so he can get over Roger.” He inhales sharply and clears his throat. “I’d just honestly rather not talk about it,” he says, and Rami nods understandingly.

“Alright,” Rami says, and he drops it, just like that. 

Ben’s used to the pushback that he’s sure Joe would give him, but there’s nothing. Rami just reaches over and looks at Ben for permission before turning on the radio, settling back in his seat. Ben starts picking at the skin around one of his nails, trying to distract himself from what Rami said. About Gwil having feelings for him. Ben just sighs and shakes his head. There’s no point. No point in even contemplating it. Ben had embarrassed himself in front of Gwil, who had no feelings for him. Besides, that wasn’t even what he should be focusing on. He said that he was going to help Rami, his actual friend, with something important. Ben’s love life, or lack thereof, shouldn’t even be on their minds today.

\+ + + + +

Rami and Ben glance around the Space Operations Centre as they walk up to Ben’s office. It’d only been almost a month since they left it for Perth, and even though there are no real noticeable changes, it still feels different to them both somehow now. So much had happened to them both in that time.

Ben drops down heavily behind his desk, turning on his computer, looking over at Rami, who’s staring out the window. “What’s up?” he asks.

“I can see the Mercury,” Rami says, crossing his arms. “Are they going to keep it there forever?”

“Uh, I don’t know, really,” Ben replies. “They probably haven’t figured out what to do with it yet. Maybe stick it in a museum.”

Rami shifts on his feet, glancing over at Ben. “Are they going to use it again, do you think?”

“What, on another mission?” Ben asks in surprise. Rami nods. “No one’s mentioned anything like that to me, but I don’t know. I mean…maybe? Who knows.”

Rami sighs and walks over to Ben’s desk, taking a seat across from him. He gives Ben a weak smile and leans forward as Ben opens a word document, typing out a greeting. “How many do you think we should send?” he asks.

“I was thinking three,” Ben says. “To your great-nieces and nephews. They might be a bit old now, but they’d probably pass the letters along to their kids. And they’d remember the most.”

“Alright,” Rami says. He props his head up on his hand, watching Ben start to type a letter explaining who he is, and what his job is within the IIS.

“What do you want me to tell them?” Ben asks. “Or, do you just want it to be strictly professional?”

“No, I’d like them to know…” Rami shifts and sighs. “I’d like them to know that it would mean a lot for me to meet them, but that I understand if they’re not interested in meeting a stranger.”

“Okay,” Ben says, nodding.

“Tell them it can be anywhere they’d like, anytime they’d like,” Rami continues. “I just want to talk to them.”

Ben nods, fingers flying over the keys. He finishes a rough draft of the letter and lets Rami read it over, giving suggestions and making edits. Rami insists that the letters be perfect, worried that otherwise they won’t respond.

“Do you want them to have my email?” Ben asks. “To write back?”

“The address of my flat?” Rami asks. “Would that be alright?” He still feels more comfortable with just using the post, as old-fashioned as it is now.

Ben nods, including that in the message. Every time Ben suggests that the letter might be done, Rami stops him from printing it off, insisting that he reread it again to make sure that it sounds okay. They’re in the office for over an hour, when normally it would take Ben maybe fifteen minutes to write a letter like this. Ben knows it would annoy him if it were literally anybody else, but there’s something so sad about how desperate Rami is to get the letter right, he can’t be mad at him. Rami finally lets Ben print off three copies, each addressed to a member of his family, and Ben signs them with a flourish that he saves just for work documents.

Ben had been right; it took little effort to find the address of the three family members, since they all still lived in and around London. He types out the addresses and prints them onto labels, so they look completely professional.

“I’d give them to my assistant to mail,” Ben says as he carefully folds the letters into IIS envelopes, “but my assistant’s Joe, so.” He smiles. “We’ll leave them with reception.”

“Are you sure they’ll do it?” Rami asks.

“Do you want us to mail them from Perth ourselves?” Ben asks.

Rami nods. “That might be better.”

Ben smiles and nods in agreement. He hands the letters off to Rami, who clutches them, but not so tightly that he crinkles or folds them in any way. “Anything else you want to do while we’re here?” Ben asks, glancing at Rami as they walk out of the building.

Rami looks off into the distance where the Mercury stands, standing there, watching it for a moment, and then finally shakes his head. “No, I’m alright.”

“Okay,” Ben says, reaching out to wrap his arm around Rami’s shoulders, pulling him in.

“Do you think they’ll write me?” Rami asks as they get into Ben’s car.

“I hope so,” Ben says, starting the vehicle, pulling out of the parking spot.

“But do you think they will?” Rami asks.

Ben sighs and shrugs. “I don’t know, Rami. I hope so.” Rami frowns. Ben shifts in his seat and reaches out to gently pat one of Rami’s hands. “If they don’t, it’s not on you, yeah? It’s on them. Maybe they’re scared. I don’t know. But it doesn’t mean you’re not a good person, or anything.”

Rami nods, looking down at Ben’s hand. “And I have you,” he says after awhile.

“Yeah, exactly,” Ben says, nodding. “I want you to meet your family, Rami, I really do. But if you don’t…me, and Gwil, and Joe, we’re not going anywhere. We still love you, yeah? We’re your family now too.”

Rami smiles and nods. “Okay,” he says. He feels so overwhelmed by Ben’s words, he can’t think of anything else to say.

“Now, do you want to get lunch when we get back?” Ben asks.

“Just you and me?” Rami asks.

Ben shrugs. “Sure, why not? Is that cheating?” he asks, teasing.

Rami laughs. “No, not at all. I’d like that.”

“Okay, good,” Ben says, “me too. Now, do you think that Joe found his way over to your flat while we were out?”

“What, to hang out with Gwil?” Rami asks. Ben nods. Rami laughs and shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so.”

“No, neither do I,” Ben replies, laughing as well.

\+ + + + +

Starting two days after they sent the letters, Rami goes out to check for his mail every day. There’s nothing else he’s expecting; nobody else except the IIS has their mailing address. He tries to do it surreptitiously, knowing that Gwil will start to pity him if he seems him going out to check _too_ often. He can’t help it; he’s eager. He regrets not putting his phone number in the letter, realizing now how stupid he was. But in his head, mail made sense. That’s all that they ever really needed, back in his time. He sometimes forgets just how convenient technology is now. If he’d been smarter, maybe he could’ve been talking to his family by now.

He tries not to pout about it in front of any of them, though he lets himself be a bit more disappointed that he hasn’t gotten anything back yet when he’s around Joe.

“Just wait,” Joe tells him over and over, giving Rami a kiss on the cheek. “They’ll write back, I promise.”

Ben suggests that Rami calls them; after all, they have their addresses _and_ their phone numbers, but now that they’ve sent the letters already, Rami feels that calling them will just be too much. What if they’ve replied, saying that they don’t want to meet him, and Rami calls before he receives the letters? How eager and desperate would he seem then?

The only good thing he can see that comes out of it is that the longer he goes without hearing from them, the more Gwil and Ben feel bad for him, and the more willing they are for all four of them to spend time together as a group, just to keep his mind off of it.

“Pizza!” Joe announces as he opens the door to Gwil and Rami’s flat, holding the boxes above his head.

Ben rolls his eyes as he ducks under him, kicking off his shoes before reaching up to grab one of the boxes, hurrying to the kitchen table.

Joe frowns and looks around. “Uh, where’s Rami?” he asks.

“I’m not sure how you missed him,” Gwil says, looking up from where he’s sat at the table with his laptop, “he ran down to check the post. Again.”

Joe sighs heavily, looking over at Ben, who’s distracting himself with the pizza box. “Alright,” he says.

“Pepperoni?” Ben asks, turning the box towards Gwil.

“Let me grab some plates,” Gwil says, pushing his chair back from the table, going to the cupboards. They’ve all grabbed their pizza and their drinks, sitting down at the table about to eat when Joe sighs.

“It really shouldn’t take him that long,” he says, looking at Ben and Gwil.

“Maybe he got something,” Ben says. 

“What if it’s bad?” Joe asks. “What if they don’t want to meet him?”

“Then we’ll help him,” Gwil replies. “It’ll be alright.”

Ben nods. “Exactly, like I told Rami, he has us, we love him.”

“I know, but I want _them_ to love him too,” Joe says, picking at a piece of mushroom on his pizza.

Gwil taps his fingers a couple times and then gets back up from the table, heading over to the door. “I’m going to get him,” he says. He slides on his shoes and then pulls open the door, immediately stopping. “Rami?” he asks.

“Rami?” Joe repeats, pushing his chair back from the table.

Rami takes a deep breath, looking up at a Gwil, holding an open letter in his hand. He smiles and jumps at him, pulling him down in a hug.

“Oh!” Gwil says in surprise, stumbling back a bit, reaching out to steady himself. “Who’s it from?” he asks. “Is it good?”

Rami pulls back, nodding eagerly. “It’s from my— my great-niece. Nelly.”

“Nelly?” Gwil repeats, and Rami nods. 

“Yeah, like my mum,” he says, laughing with excitement.

“Oh, Rami, that’s fantastic,” Gwil says, pulling him back in, squeezing him tightly and lifting him a couple inches off the ground.

“She wants to meet you?” Joe asks, hurrying over to them.

Rami nods, looking over at him. “Yeah, she wants me to call her,” he says, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “And it’s not just from her. My, uh, great- _great_ -niece wants to meet me, too. And my great-great-nephew! I— I can’t believe that I have people that— great-great! I…oh gosh, they— want to talk to me.”

“Of course they do, Rami,” Ben says softly, reaching out to pat his shoulder. “I told you, yeah?”

Rami nods. “I’m— I’m going to call her now, if that’s alright.”

“Yes, of course!” Joe says eagerly. “Pizza can wait, forget that!”

“Okay,” Rami says, hurrying into his room to grab his phone. He sighs and drops down on his bed, looking at the phone in his hand, then glances towards the door.

“Do you want to be alone?” Joe asks, poking his head into the room.

Rami looks down at the phone again and then nods. “I, uh…I think so,” he says, nodding.

Joe smiles and nods back, reaching out to pull the door closed.

Rami takes a deep breath and finally starts dialling.

The three of them sit down again at the table, looking around at each other, all of them with a grin on their face.

“I hope it’s everything he’s hoped for,” Gwil says, reaching out to pick up his glass, taking a drink.

“I’m sure it’ll be brilliant,” Ben says, looking over at him.

All of them are too nervous to eat, so their pizza just sits in front of them, getting cold as they wait for Rami to come out of his room. Gwil gets up and starts pacing around a bit, puttering around the kitchen, opening and closing cupboard doors as if he’s looking for something.

Joe looks at Ben, then at Gwil, jerking his head over in his direction. Ben frowns and shakes his head, and Joe nods eagerly. Ben shakes his head again, and then Joe kicks his shin under the table.

“Ow!” Ben cries, reaching down to rub at his leg. “Fuck,” he says, finally shoving his chair back from the table while Joe smirks at him. He slowly walks over to Gwil, trying not to limp, leaning against the counter. “You alright?” he asks.

“Fine,” Gwil murmurs, pulling open one of the drawers.

“Are you…looking for something?” Ben asks, leaning forward to try to see what Gwil’s looking at.

Gwil sighs and shakes his head, pushing the door closed. He leans against the counter, and Ben startles a bit, leaning further back. “I just…I wish I knew what he was saying in there,” he says, gesturing towards the door.

“I’m sure he’s alright,” Ben says.

Gwil nods. “I just— I know how much his family means to him. If it’s— if it doesn’t go well, I don’t know what will happen.”

Ben frowns. “We’ll take care of him, is what will happen,” he says. “Just like he’d do for us.”

Gwil looks up at Ben, meeting his eyes, swallowing hard. He thinks, _like you did for me_ , and then looks away. He drums his fingers on the counter and then turns around, going back to the cupboards.

Rami’s bedroom door opens, and he slowly walks out, phone in his hand at his side.

“What happened?” Joe asks, jumping out of his seat.

Ben and Gwil both turn to watch him, ready to hurry over at a moment’s notice to comfort him if need be. Ben glances nervously over at Gwil as they wait for Rami to speak.

Rami takes a deep breath and approaches Joe, setting the letter and his phone down on the kitchen table, wrapping his arms around Joe, pulling him into a hug.

“Oh, Rami,” Joe says softly, rubbing Rami’s back. “What did she say?” he asks.

Rami takes a deep breath, resting his weight against Joe’s, before smiling and pushing himself up so he can look at Ben and Gwil over Joe’s shoulders. “When can we go to London?” he asks.

Joe lets out a huge breath he didn’t even know he was holding, smiling in relief. “Yeah?” he asks.

Rami nods eagerly. “Yeah,” he says. “She really wants to meet me.”

“She’s gonna love you,” Joe says. “I love you,” he whispers, so quietly that Ben and Gwil can’t hear it. 

Rami pulls back to look at Joe in surprise. Joe just smiles back, looking nervous, and Rami leans back in, pressing a kiss to Joe’s cheek. “Thank you,” he says softly.

Gwil and Ben walk over to Rami, and Rami pulls back from Joe to give both of them a hug as well.

“Rami, that’s brilliant, mate,” Ben says, patting his back. 

“That’s fantastic news,” Gwil says, nodding in agreement.

“We can go whenever you’d like,” Joe says, pulling Rami back in to give him a quick kiss. “I’d take you right now if you wanted.”

Rami laughs and shakes his head. “No, I’m— not _right_ now,” he says. He starts to laugh excitedly. “She wants to meet me!” he says. “She said Yasmine used to talk about me. My— my sister was a grandmother,” he says in disbelief, shaking his head. “Can you believe it?” he asks, looking around at the other three.

Gwil shakes his head, giving Rami a smile. “I’m chuffed, Rami,” he says. He reaches out, pulling Rami into another hug, and then steps back.

Ben looks over, catching the sad look on Gwil’s face as he sits down at the table, and frowns.

“Let’s eat then!” Joe says, sitting down. “Come on, come on, we gotta celebrate! I wish I’d known, I would’ve brought something other than pizza.”

Rami smiles and takes his seat next to Joe. “No, this is lovely, thank you.”

Ben walks back to his seat, sitting down next to Gwil, quietly looking over at him.

“You look so happy,” Joe says, picking up his glass, table to take his eyes off of Rami.

Rami nods, picking up his pizza, taking a bite. He nods as he chews, then swallows hard. “I really am,” he says. “I can’t believe it.”

Ben sees Gwil watching Rami and Joe, that sad look still on his face, and so Ben takes a deep breath before finally deciding to just reach out, gently squeezing Gwil’s hand in his. Gwil looks over at Ben in surprise, and Ben gives him a comforting smile. After a moment, Gwil softly says “thank you,” and Ben withdraws his hand, turning back to his plate. Gwil turns back to Rami, who’s giving him a small, but knowing smile. Gwil just nods once, and then glances over at Ben again, trying to bite down against the smile that’s growing on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • so many feelings, of all kinds! family feelings, friend feelings, loving feelings.  
> • they're all just so soft and I want to put them in cozy sweaters and give them all big hugs, they're all worried about so much.  
> • I feel like this chapter is a bit of filler, but Rami's about to meet his family! next chapter :)  
> • and Ben and Gwil are still awkward af and fucking up everybody's good time.  
> • I'm sorry for everybody who wanted to know what happened to Sami and is now upset with me for what I've done.  
> • (also I'm sorry if anyone is offended that I included a real-life train crash in my fictional story, that just felt more real)  
> • no matter what happens, the four of these guys are everything to each other, and I promise a happy ending.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (please note, the rating for this chapter is explicit)

Ben looks over at the door, where Joe’s slipping on his shoes. “Are you sure you don’t need a drive?” he asks.

Joe glances at him and shakes his head, smiling. “No, it’s fine. We’re just gonna keep the car at the station.”

“It’s not a problem,” Ben says, walking over to him. 

“No, I know,” Joe says, tugging on his jacket. “But if you drive us, then…” He trails off and waves his hand around aimlessly. “You know. Anyway, don’t worry about it. We’ll be back on Sunday.”

“Right,” Ben says softly. “Well then, mate,” he says, pulling Joe in for a hug. “Have fun,” he says, squeezing him tightly.

“I will,” Joe says, patting Ben on the back. “You too?” he asks.

Ben smiles, pulling back and shaking his head. “I don’t think so,” he says. “I’ve got a couple reports to look over for work.”

“Okay, well…” Joe sighs. “Try to leave the apartment, or something,” he says. “Maybe, I don’t know, visit some friends?” It takes everything he has to not wink at Ben.

Ben rolls his eyes, but he chuckles anyway. “Great, well, text when you get there, yeah?”

Joe smiles and nods. “Okay, bye,” he says. He picks up his bag, opens the door, and gives Ben a wave, stepping out of the flat. He heads to the lift and goes down to the ground floor. He tosses his bag in the car and then drives to Rami and Gwil’s flat. He sends a message to Rami and then gets out just as the front door opens and Rami and Gwil step outside. “Hey!” he says, waving at the two of them.

Rami and Gwil both smile and wave back, then Rami turns to Gwil. “I’ll let you know when we get there, yeah?” he says.

Gwil nods. “I know. It’ll be alright.” He smiles and pats Rami on the shoulder. 

Rami nods, then bounces up and down a bit. “I’m just nervous,” he says. “I— I can’t believe I’m going to meet them. You could come with me, you know. You knew Sami and Yasmine too.”

“No,” Gwil says, “you should do this. Report back; if they’re not complete pricks I’ll meet them later. I promise.” He smiles.

Rami nods. “I…I’m nervous to see London again,” he says. “I grew up there, and I just— it won’t be like I remember, and I’m really quite worried, honestly, that—”

Gwil pulls Rami into a hug, squeezing him tightly. “You’re going to be okay, Rami,” he says softly. “London’s London. It’s just a city. You’ll be alright. Joe will take care of you.” He pulls back to meet Rami’s eyes, which are wide and seem unsure. “And if you hate it, just hop back on the train and come back. It’s only a couple of hours, and I’ll be here. But you’ll be alright.”

“Can I call you?” Rami asks quickly.

Gwil smiles. “Of course,” he says. “I’ll be mad if you don’t.”

Rami smiles and nods. “Okay,” he says. He takes a deep breath. “I want you to have a good weekend too, Gwil,” he says. “Will you?”

Gwil shrugs. “I’ll be fine,” he says, waving his hand dismissively.

Rami pouts a little. “But, maybe you could—”

“You’re going to be late,” Gwil interrupts him, already knowing what Rami’s about to say.

“Alright,” Rami says. He looks down, and Gwil hands him the bag that he’d been carrying for him, and gives him another quick hug. “I love you,” Rami says quietly.

“I love you, too, Rami,” Gwil whispers, stepping back. “Joe!” he calls. Joe looks up. “Bring him back in one piece!”

“Oh, stop it,” Rami says, playfully pushing Gwil away. “I’ll see you Sunday,” he says, walking down the front steps.

“I’ll see you Sunday,” Gwil echoes, waving at him again. “They’re going to love you,” he says, and Rami smiles at him thankfully.

“I hope so,” he says, turning around, walking over to Joe.

“Hi,” Joe says, pulling Rami in for just a moment. “Bye Gwil!”

“Bye!” Gwil calls, disappearing back into the building.

“He okay?” Joe asks, taking Rami’s bag and putting it in the car, then opening the door for Rami.

“He’s fine,” Rami says, climbing in. He waits until Joe is in the driver’s seat next to him before continuing. “It’s me I’m concerned about,” he continues. “I’m really…worried, actually. ”

“Don’t be,” Joe says quickly, reaching over to take Rami’s hand. “It’s all going to be fine. What could go wrong?”

Rami snorts. “Joe, don’t say things like that,” he says. “Everything. Anything.” He knows better than almost anyone just how wrong things can go.

“Nothing at all,” Joe says. “We’re just going to London for a couple days. No problem.” He starts the car, heading towards the train station. “I’m excited anyway.”

“You are?” Rami asks, looking over at him.

“Hell yeah,” Joe says. “Going to London! I love it, I’m going with my boyfriend, we’re gonna meet his family. I am so pumped, it’s going to be amazing.” He looks over at Rami, grinning. “I really can’t wait, Rami. I’ve been looking forward to it.”

Rami smiles back. “Alright,” he says. “If you say so. Maybe it won’t be so bad.”

Joe squeezes Rami’s hand. “I wouldn’t lie to you. I promise.”

Rami nods, looking down at their hands. He takes a deep breath and then glances at their bags in the back, wondering what Joe’s packed. They haven’t talked about it yet, but they’re going to London. Two nights. Together. Rami would be lying if he said he hadn’t been thinking about it ever since Nelly had suggested this weekend as a chance to finally meet. Once it became obvious that neither Ben nor Gwil would be coming with them, though both of them were invited. He wonders if it was just them trying to avoid each other, or if both of them knew better than to get in-between Joe and Rami. Which Rami sort of appreciates it. Joe doesn’t seem to mind it, but Rami feels a bit odd knowing that if he spends the night at Joe’s, or vice versa, both Ben and Gwil automatically know about it. He finds it hard to look them in the eyes sometimes.

Joe pulls into the long-term parking lot at the train station and hops out, grabbing their bags. He hands Rami his, and then reaches out, taking his hand as they walk into the station together. There’s a bit of a rush, people from Perth heading to Edinburgh or London for the work day, but Joe and Rami just stick close together as Joe leads Rami to the platform, getting on their train. After grabbing his computer, Joe sticks their bags on the luggage rack, and Rami sits down at the window, looking out at the station.

“You wanna watch a movie?” Joe asks, lifting up his laptop.

Rami smiles and nods, turning away from the window. “Which one?” he asks, settling against Joe’s side.

“It’s a surprise,” Joe smiles, handing Rami an earbud.

Rami rolls his eyes, but he can’t help but smile as _Murder on the Orient Express_ starts playing. Joe’s idea of a joke.

\+ + + + +

Rami looks around as they walk out of Westminster station, struck by just how familiar and different it all feels as the same time. Rami glances up and down the street, realizing that really, the only thing that’s changed is the people. And the cars. Gwil was right; so much of it still looks the same. It’s a bit disconcerting, but comforting.

“What do you think?” Joe asks, lifting his hand to shade his eyes against the bright sun.

Rami smiles over him. “I think it feels sort of like home,” he says, and Joe smiles back, pulling him in by the waist.

“Good, I’m happy to hear it,” Joe says, kissing Rami’s cheek. He slips his hand from around Rami’s waist to take his hand, and he starts leading him down the sidewalk. They cross the street, as Rami eagerly awaits his first look of the IIS building in over a hundred years. He recognizes it instantly, and turns to head up the steps, but Joe tugs on his arm and keeps walking by it.

Rami frowns. “Joe, it’s just here,” he says, nodding towards the building.

Joe looks over at him, shrugging. “Oh, is it?” he asks casually.

Rami nods. “It is,” he says. 

“Oh, well then,” Joe says, nodding. He keeps walking though, and makes no move to turn back.

“Joe,” Rami says. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise,” Joe says, glancing over at him.

Rami squeezes Joe’s hand nervously. “What sort of surprise?” he asks.

Joe shrugs again. “Well, the good kind, I hope.” He smiles over at Rami. “I mean, we can go to the IIS if you want. You seem kind of excited about it.”

Rami looks at Joe for a moment, and then shakes his head. “No, I’d…sort of like to see where we’re going instead,” he says. “If that’s alright.”

Joe grins. “Good.” They walk for a couple minutes longer, taking a right, another right, and then a left. Rami recognizes where they are, but he can’t possibly imagine what they’re doing there. They come to an open gate, with an arch of trees above it, and Rami looks up in surprise.

“Joe, what are we doing here?” Rami asks.

“This is where we’re staying,” Joe says, gesturing towards the building.

“No, Joe, this is too much,” Rami says, stepping back.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t think so,” he says, and he starts leading Rami up to the front doors of the hotel. “I didn’t really want to stay in crew quarters, did you?” he asks.

“Well,” Rami says hesitantly. _No_ , he thinks, not really, but he also didn’t really have a problem with it either. It’d be fine for a couple of nights.

“It’s a special occasion,” Joe explains. “So I wanted to stay somewhere special.” They walk into the hotel, and both of them are immediately struck by the grand scale of the lobby. It’s all white, with pillars and a grand staircase, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. 

“Wow,” Rami says softly, looking around. He feels horribly underdressed.

Joe looks over at him, and squeezes his hand, walking up to the reception area. Joe checks them in, as Rami just stands there, looking around. A porter appears to takes their bags, and Rami smiles nervously at him. “How much did this cost?” he asks softly, as the receptionist gets their keys for them.

“Don’t worry about that,” Joe murmurs.

“That means it was a lot,” Rami says.

Joe shrugs. “Does it?” he asks, smirking. “Well, just think of it as another birthday gift, then.” Rami just rolls his eyes.

They head up to their room, following behind the porter who has their bags, even though Rami insisted he could carry them. As they go, Rami looks around the hallways. He knows this is too much. Can’t believe that Joe would spend this sort of money on a two-day trip to London. But he also sort of appreciates it, in a way. He doesn’t need things to know that Joe cares about him, but it’s obvious that Joe put time and thought into their trip, knowing that Rami would be nervous and just wanting to make him comfortable.

The porter drops off their bags and Joe and Rami step into the room. They walk in, looking around. The room itself isn’t as nice as the actual hotel, but Rami is still struck by the size of the bed. Joe ducks into the bathroom to check it out as Rami walks in, going to the window to look at the view.

“Well?” Joe asks, walking back out.

Rami glances back at him. “It’s lovely,” he says, smiling. “I love it.” He turns back to the window.

Joe walks up to him and wraps his arms around Rami’s waist, pulling his back against his chest. “Good,” he says, kissing Rami on the neck. “What did you want to do?” he asks.

Rami glances back at him, then turns in his arms, sitting down on the edge of the desk by the window. “I don’t know,” he says, looking up at him. “What did you want to do?” he asks.

Joe looks down at him, then slowly smiles. “Oh no, I’m not playing that game,” he says. “It could go on for _hours_ ,” he says.

“Well, we do have all day,” Rami points out, and Joe laughs.

“Fair enough,” Joe says. “Well, we do need lunch.” Rami nods. “And then we can do anything you want. Go wherever you want. There’s a movie theatre nearby, if you want. But I do have one thing we have to do tonight.”

“Oh?” Rami asks.

Joe nods. “Yeah, but it’s a surprise too.”

Rami smiles. Apparently this trip is just going to be full of them. “Alright,” he says.

“You wanna get changed and we’ll go out and find something to eat?” Joe asks.

“Sure,” Rami says, standing up, moving to walk by Joe but Joe tugs him in for a kiss first. 

“Just wanted to,” Joe says, and Rami smiles. He heads into the bathroom to quickly wash his face and freshen up a bit before coming back out and changing into something a little bit nicer than what he wore on the train. Joe does the same, and then they head out into the city together to find a place to eat.

\+ + + + +

Rami and Joe walk out of the movie theatre together, having watched the newest Bond movie because Joe told him he wouldn’t need to know anything about any of the previous ones. Joe glances around, trying to get his bearings.

“You up for a bit of a walk?” Joe asks.

Rami smirks. “You up for a bit of a run?” he asks, teasing.

“Oh, shut up,” Joe says, leading Rami to the left. “Never again, I won’t let you trick me. Besides, you don’t even know where we’re going.”

“Is this the surprise?” Rami asks.

Joe nods. “It is. That okay?”

Rami nods. “It is.”

“Okay, good,” Joe says. He leads the way up the street; it’s an easy walk, just straight, then left, then right, and he smiles over at Rami when the surprise comes into view. 

“Oh,” Rami says, hurrying over to the bridge, looking across the river to the London Eye. “We’re going on it?” he asks hopefully, looking over at Joe.

“No, I figured I’d just bring you here to look at it from afar,” Joe says. He smiles. “Yes, of _course_ we’re going on it! Come on.” He wraps his arm around Rami’s shoulders as they walk across Westminster Bridge together, turning left to go down the staircase that leads to the Queen’s Walk.

“Do we have to buy tickets?” Rami asks. 

“Already got ‘em,” Joe says, taking out his phone.

“Joe, it’s too much,” Rami says.

“What is?” Joe asks. “Rami, it’s not that much money. You haven’t been in London for literally forever, and you’re my boyfriend, so.”

“I know, I just…” Rami trails off, looking up at the Eye as they approach it. “Wow,” he says softly.

Joe smiles over at him. “Excited?” he asks.

Rami nods. “I am, yes.”

“Good, come on,” Joe says. He leads him to the fast-track queue, but there are still quite a few people ahead of them. “So, feeling better about tomorrow yet?” he asks.

Rami shrugs. “I don’t know, really,” he says. “I…am, sort of. It’s odd. I have nothing in common with them, really. I don’t know what we’re going to talk about.”

“Well, _you_ , probably,” Joe says. “And them. And space. Whatever.”

Rami nods. “I…just don’t know.”

“Come on, you were so excited when she wrote you back,” Joe says. “What’s happening?”

Rami shrugs, looking around. “What if they don’t like me?” he asks. “What if we meet and there’s nothing there, no connection at all, and it’s just…they’re my family but they’re not. What do I do?”

Joe sighs, reaching out to push a curl back from Rami’s forehead. “I think you’ll be disappointed.” Rami nods. “And I will be too. But it’ll be okay. There’s nothing bad that’s going to happen. You’re just going to meet them. Have zero expectations other than that. You’re going to meet them. And if they love you and you love them, that’s great. If they’re weird and you have nothing to talk about, that’s not great, but it’s okay too. Yeah? I mean, you’ve got me, and Gwil, and Ben. And I’ll take you home to meet _my_ family someday, so if these people suck, meh, their loss. And you can quote me on it.”

Rami thinks for a moment, and then slowly smiles. “You’re going to take me to New York?” he asks.

“ _That’s_ what you got out of that?” Joe asks.

“I think that was the most important bit, honestly,” Rami says.

Joe smiles. “Of course I am,” he says. “I can’t wait for you to meet my family.”

Rami just beams. “Well, I can’t wait for you to meet mine,” he says softly.

“C’me here,” Joe says, throwing his arm around Rami’s shoulders, pulling him in. They’re in line for maybe fifteen minutes before they can board their capsule. Joe had considered spending the extra money for it to be just the two of them on board, but he knew that would be too much for Rami. He just wants them to have a good time, and it’s fine that there are other people on board with them. They move inside the capsule, away from the doors, leaning against the railing as other people file in along with them.

As the Eye slowly starts to rotate, Rami just settles against Joe, looking out over the city as they rise up. He smiles, seeing so many familiar landmarks. There are new ones too, but the further up they go, the easier it is to pretend that not much has changed at all. He’s happy that _some_ things have changed, though. He reaches down, slipping his hand into Joe’s. Rami bites down on the corner of his lip before making a split second decision to say something he should have said already. He doesn’t know why he was so scared to say it before. 

“I love you,” Rami says softly, and Joe quickly turns to look at him.

“What?” Joe asks, clearly surprised, wondering if he misheard him.

“I love you,” Rami says again. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it back when you said it before, but I…I was so overwhelmed, and I didn’t— but I do, I love you.” He smiles nervously.

Joe watches Rami for a moment and then pulls him into a kiss, wrapping his arms around him. “I love you, too,” he says. He gives him another kiss. Joe meets Rami’s eyes and then laughs softly. “God, it’s too soon, isn’t it? We— oh my god it’s so soon.”

“I don’t care,” Rami says, shaking his head. “I’m not going to pretend it’s not true just because it hasn’t been long enough.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks. Rami nods. “Okay, good. That’s amazing. _You’re_ amazing.” He grins and kisses Rami again. “God, Rami. Bringing me to London, taking me on the Eye, telling me how much you love me. I had no idea you were so romantic.”

Rami laughs. “Well, thank you for coming with me,” he says. “To— to London, I mean. Not just to here. Though this is lovely as well.”

Joe looks at Rami, a brief look of confusion on his face. “Where else would I be?” he asks. They rest against the railing, looking out on the city together, hands clasped together.

\+ + + + +

Joe opens the hotel room door, and they walk in together, Joe playfully swatting Rami on the ass as he walks by. Rami glances back and laughs as Joe winks at him. “You tired?” Joe asks.

Rami frowns. “It’s still early, isn’t it?” he asks, glancing at his watch.

Joe shrugs. “Yeah, but I don’t know, I thought maybe you’d want to get a good night’s rest before tomorrow.”

Rami shakes his head. “No, I’d like to stay up,” he says. “If that’s alright.”

“Yeah, of course,” Joe says. “I’m gonna grab a shower before we decide on anything else. You good for a minute?”

Rami nods and then walks over to the small sofa in front of the television, dropping down. He sent a couple texts to Gwil, telling him about the Eye, telling him he told Joe he loves him. Gwil sends back an ‘ _of course you do_ ’, and then an ‘ _I’m happy for you_ ’. Rami smiles, but he still has this pit in his stomach, this feeling of, does Gwil really mean it? Nothing Gwil’s ever said or done suggests otherwise, but he still feels like it must hurt for Gwil to be watching Rami fall in love while he’s dealing with the grief of losing Roger. Rami tries to not let himself feel guilty about it, but that doesn’t always work out.

They send a few more texts back and forth, Rami telling Gwil he’ll call as soon as he’s done meeting with Nelly tomorrow. He asks if Gwil has heard anything from Ben, but Gwil expertly changes the subject to the hotel. Rami sighs. He drops his phone and brings his hand up to his mouth, starting to bite a bit on the skin around his nails. He shifts on the sofa, listening to the sound of the shower through the walls. He can hear Joe faintly singing as well. Rami smiles. He still can’t believe he’s here. Not just _here_ , in the hotel room, though he finds that hard to believe as well. But here in general. Rami thinks Joe would do anything for him, not that Rami would ever ask. He’s just so happy to have Joe in his life. As his boyfriend, but just as his friend too.

Rami uncurls his legs from underneath him and pushes himself up, slowly walking down to the bathroom. His hand is shaking a bit as he reaches out to the door knob. He tells himself, if it’s locked, he’ll just pretend it didn’t happen and he’ll go back out there to texting Gwil. But if it’s unlocked…

Rami swallows hard and tries turning the knob. The door opens a bit, and Rami slowly pushes it open, the steam from Joe’s extra-hot shower hitting him. The mirror is fogged up, so are the glass doors of the shower. Rami stands there for a moment, listening to Joe sing a bit longer, but he clears his throat and closes the door.

“Rami?” Joe asks in surprise. He pushes the door open a bit, reaching up to wipe some water out of his eyes. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Rami says, slowly walking over to the shower. He leans against the wall, crossing his arms, smiling at Joe.

Joe smiles back. “What’s up?” he asks.

Rami shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says. “What’s up with you?”

Joe chuckles at that, the modern phrase sounding a bit odd coming from Rami. “Just…showering, you know.”

Rami smiles, then reaches out, grasping onto Joe's hand through the open door. “Are you almost done?” he asks, tightening his fingers around Joe's.

Joe stares at Rami for a minute, before nodding jerkily. “I— I am, yeah. Are you…did you want to shower, I mean.”

Rami just slowly shakes his head.

“Oh,” Joe says. “Um, so…you. Uh.”

“Joe?” Rami says quietly. He steps closer to the door. “Will you come out here? With me?”

Joe just blinks. "Right now?” he asks.

Rami nods. "Right now,” he says.

Joe reaches out to fumble with the tap until he can get the water off. “Yeah,” he says. He swallows hard, and pushes the door to the shower open the rest of the way, averting his eyes from Rami’s as he steps out, reaching for a towel.

Rami’s mouth falls open a bit as he watches rivulets of water running down Joe’s chest, his eyes tracking as they go down even further. He swallows hard.

Joe wraps the towel around his waist, knotting it as best he can, and he looks back up at Rami, giving him a nervous smile. “What’d you get up to out there?” he asks.

“Nothing,” Rami says.

“Are you sure?” Joe asks, reaching out to squeeze Rami’s hand again.

Rami nods, looking up at him. “You look…nice,” he says, looking Joe up and down, and then looking away nervously.

Joe smiles, and glances down at himself. “Yeah, I’m alright, I guess.”

Rami shakes his head. “No, you look really handsome,” he says. "You always do."

“Oh, well, thank you,” Joe says, shrugging. “You’re not too bad yourself.” He smiles.

Rami bites down on his lip and then swallows hard, looking away for a moment as he tries to collect his thoughts and figure out how to move and what to say to make this happen, because right now he thinks that he _really_ wants it to happen. He knows Joe is probably thinking it’s too soon, expects he’ll tell him they don’t have to, but Rami can’t think of a more perfect time than this. “Will you kiss me?” he asks finally, and Joe smiles.

“Where?” Joe asks, stepping towards him.

Rami shrugs, looking around. “In here,” he says.

Joe chuckles, shaking his head. “No,” he says, settling his hands on Rami’s hips. “I mean, _where_ do you want me to kiss you?” he asks. He tilts his head and presses his lips to Rami’s neck, near his collarbone, and Rami sighs, tilting his head back to give Joe more room. “There?” he murmurs, moving his mouth up a bit to just under Rami’s ear. “What about there?” he asks.

Rami nervously reaches down, feeling his hand shake a bit as he takes Joe’s hand, and leads it up to his mouth. Rami gently presses a kiss to Joe’s curled fingers, then turns his mouth to Joe’s. “Here,” he says, and Joe smiles as they finally kiss. Joe pushes Rami back against the wall just a bit, and Rami’s moans softly, wrapping his arms around Joe’s shoulders, pulling him. 

Joe moves his hands slowly down to the hem of Rami’s shirt, pushing up underneath it. He can feel Rami’s muscles nervously clenching against him, and he pulls back just a bit. Rami somehow looks dazed already, pupils wide, and panting softly, and they’ve only just kissed. Joe smiles. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he says, and he kisses Rami again.

Rami practically melts around him, and he reaches out, fumbling with the door handle, trying to pull it open.

Joe laughs a bit as he steps back, reaching out to do it himself, opening the door wide enough for them to slip out of the bathroom. Rami tries keeping his mouth on Joe’s as they walk back towards the bedroom, but it isn’t much of a kiss. It’s just him trying to keep Joe close.

Rami sits down on the edge of the bed first. He toes off his shoes, peels off his socks, kicking them away from the bed, and then pushes himself up the mattress a little bit, heading towards the pillows. The bed is bloody _massive_ , he thinks, he and Joe could both sleep in it and never touch each other. But that’s not what he wants.

Joe watches Rami move up the mattress, then looks down at his towel and frowns a bit. He just grabs onto where he has it knotted, and then starts awkwardly crawling up the mattress towards Rami, who’s now propped up on his elbows, watching him. “Hi,” Joe says, sitting back on his heels, taking Rami’s face in his hands as he presses his lips to his again.

Rami clasps onto Joe’s wrists, holding him in place as they kiss. Joe tugs a bit on Rami’s lip with his teeth, and then slips his tongue into Rami’s mouth when he gasps.

Rami wraps his arms around Joe’s shoulders and then lays back on the bed, pulling Joe down with him. Joe groans and settles in between Rami’s open legs, bracing his hands against the mattress as he starts to gently rock against him as they kiss. “I want you,” Rami murmurs, pulling back just far enough to speak.

“I’m right here,” Joe says softly, kissing Rami again.

“No,” Rami says, shaking his head. “I _want_ you,” he says. “I just…I don't want to sound stupid,” he murmurs, sheepishly looking away. 

Joe looks down at Rami, slowly smiling, dropping his mouth to Rami’s neck, starting to gently suck on the skin there. “Well, I’m not going to do anything you can’t ask for,” he says quietly. “So maybe you should describe it to me then.” He reaches down between them, starting to palm Rami through his jeans. “Just so I’m sure what you want.”

Rami gasps softly, looking down, watching Joe’s hand work against him. He clenches his thighs a bit, feeling himself get harder. “I— _in_ me,” Rami says, whimpering softly. “I want you in me.”

Joe lifts his head. “Yeah?” he asks. “You want me to fuck you?” he asks, voice low and gravelly.

Rami nods eagerly. “Yes, please,” he begs.

“Are you sure?” Joe asks. “It’s only been—”

“Stop it,” Rami says. “I know. I want to. I want _you_.”

“Say it then, come on,” Joe says, pushing himself up a bit. He wants to hear it.

Rami reaches out, running his hands up Joe’s chest, the skin still wet, and he bites down on his lip, looking up at him. “I want you to fuck me,” he says softly.

Joe smiles down at him. “I think that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard.” Joe says. He reaches down and starts tugging at the hem of Rami’s shirt, pulling it up.

Rami pushes himself up so that they’re practically chest to chest, lifting his arms so that Joe can get his shirt off, tossing it to the floor. He reaches down, fumbling with his jeans, trying to get them undone as quickly as possible, while Joe distracts him with a kiss.

“Come on,” Joe says, tugging Rami off the bed for a moment as he finally gets rid of the towel.

Rami stares at Joe for a moment, swallowing hard, before he follows suit, shoving his jeans and boxer-briefs down, stepping out of them. He sits back down on the bed, pushing himself up to the top, reaching behind him to adjust the pillows. He watches Joe walk over to his bag, leaning down to dig in through one of the pockets, and shifts a bit uncomfortably as he starts to feel a bit embarrassed. But he smiles when Joe turns around again, remembering that he’s not alone, and Joe is just as naked as he is.

Joe sits on the bed, reaching up to run his hand up the inside of Rami’s leg, watching him shiver the higher up he gets. “Ticklish?” he asks.

“Stop it,” Rami says, shaking his head.

“Oh, fine,” Joe says. “Maybe next time.” He shifts onto his knees, leaning down to press a kiss to the inside of Rami’s knee, moving his mouth up the sensitive skin.

Rami swallows hard, watching Joe move up between his legs, starting to flush a bit. He can feel himself trembling.

Joe drops the condom and lube on the bed so that he touch Rami with both hands, steadying himself on Rami’s legs as he continues moving up with his mouth. He looks up at Rami, seeing that he’s watching him, and then he suddenly swoops up, kissing Rami on the lips.

Rami smiles into the kiss, settling back against the pillows. “I thought you were going to do something else,” he says quietly, pulling away.

“Oh, like what?” Joe says, waggling his eyebrows at Rami.

Rami chuckles and shakes his head. “You don’t have to,” he says, reaching out to cup the back of Joe’s head, curling his fingers into his hair.

“You don’t want me to?” Joe asks. “You know how much I like it, don’t you?”

Rami smiles, nodding. “I do,” he replies. “And I like it too. I just…want this more,” he says. “For now.”

“Okay,” Joe says. He gives Rami another kiss as he leans over, grabbing the lube. He opens the cap and squeezes some out onto his fingers, using his thumb to spread it around. “I just want to make you feel good,” he says quietly, starting to rub his fingers against Rami, not pushing in yet, just teasing, pressing against him.

“You will,” Rami breathes, shifting his hips a bit. “I trust you,” he says. He does. He can’t possibly imagine ever letting somebody else be this close to him, so intimate. He actually feels relieved, in a way, that nobody else has ever seen him like this. He likes knowing it’s only Joe. It's only ever going to be Joe.

Joe smiles, and gives Rami another kiss as he starts pressing a finger inside him. “That okay?” he asks, meeting Rami’s eyes.

Rami nods. “It doesn’t hurt,” he replies.

“Good, it’s not supposed to,” Joe says. “It might though, you know. I mean, I’ll try not to, but.”

“It’s okay,” Rami says, starting to breathe a little heavier as Joe slides his finger in and out of him a bit faster. Rami moans, getting more and more turned on by what Joe’s doing to him, and the thought of what they’ll be doing together soon enough. He can feel himself getting harder, getting wet at the tip. He wants to reach down and wrap his hand around himself, but he stops himself, just reaching up to grab at the pillow behind him, starting to gently move his hips against Joe’s hand.

“Fuck you’re unbelievable,” Joe murmurs, withdrawing his finger to add more lube and slide a second one in alongside it.

Rami groans at that, feeling the stretch more now.

“Still okay?” Joe asks.

Rami nods. “I’m okay,” he assures him, though the urge to start touching himself is growing stronger by the second. Never in his wildest dreams did he ever imagine that he’d actually be here, doing this with someone. It never seemed possible. And now it’s happening, with someone who cares about him as much as Joe does, somebody who actually _loves_ him. Rami wants to reach up and pull Joe into a messy kiss, imagines himself climbing onto Joe’s lap and just sinking down on top of him. It’s takes everything in him to not do it. He closes his eyes and imagines what it’s going to be like when Joe is on top of him, weighing him down as he presses into him. Rami runs his hand over his chest, imagining that it’s Joe’s. He feels himself get goosebumps as he trails his hand down, imagining Joe kissing him as he rocks against him, _into_ him, and he can’t help it, he finally takes his cock in his fist, stroking himself a couple of times. He opens his eyes when he hears Joe groan, seeing Joe watching him intently, his fingers no longer moving.

“That’s the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” Joe says.

Rami swallows hard, feeling his hands start to shake a bit with nerves, and he lets go of himself to reach down and clutch at the bedspread.

“Are you okay?” Joe asks, concern in his voice.

“I am,” Rami nods. “I’m just…uh, nervous,” is what he finally decides on, giving Joe a curt nod.

“That’s okay,” Joe says. “I can work with nervous. I mean, I can help with that. But if you actually want to _stop_ , just—”

“I know,” Rami says. He shifts his hips a bit, letting out a soft whimper as Joe stretches him a bit further, fingers moving inside him again. “Oh,” he moans, lifting his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He takes a shaky breath. 

Joe pulls his fingers out just long enough to spread more lube on them, and then he carefully presses back into him with three, and Rami winces a bit and then digs his hands further into the bed. Joe swallows hard and then shifts on the mattress, keeping his fingers still thrusting into him as he leans down, starting to stroke Rami with his other hand, opening his mouth over him.

“Oh!” Rami cries out when Joe takes him into his mouth, hands finding their way to wind into Joe’s hair. “Oh, oh god, Joe, I—” he whimpers. 

Joe sucks gently, tongue swirling around, lapping up Rami’s precum. “Is it okay?” he asks, pulling off him for a moment, both hands still moving.

“Yes, yes,” Rami pants. “Oh my god, Joe.” He whines.

“I just wanna make you feel good,” Joe murmurs before taking Rami back in.

“Uh-huh,” Rami nods eagerly, and he’s so distracted by the feel of his cock in Joe’s mouth that he can’t even think about the discomfort of his fingers inside him. He briefly wishes there was a way for Joe to fuck him while keeping his mouth on him, thinking that then he probably wouldn’t notice the hurt at all.

Rami squeezes his eyes shut. Roger had once told him a story of a bloke he’d shagged, years before Gwil, who didn’t really care if it hurt Rog or not as long as it was good for him. Rog had sort of laughed it off, but Rami could tell it made him uncomfortable, or sad, but it also scared Rami to death. But, Rog had assured him, it shouldn’t be like that. With the right person, it _wouldn’t_ be like that. Then Roger had winked while talking about how good Gwil was just as Gwil had walked back into the room, and Roger got a pillow thrown in his face for it as Rami laughed (but now, thinking back on it, Rami wonders if Roger had told him the story because he already knew Rami was gay, and was trying to comfort him). Rami knows that obviously Joe cares about whether it’s going to hurt, otherwise he wouldn’t be taking his time with him like this, but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt at all.

Rami just keeps taking deep breaths, trying to lose himself in the sensations and stop focusing so much on his own thoughts. He realizes his grip is probably just a bit too tight, so he loosens his fingers, dragging them through Joe’s hair, reaching down to his shoulders. “Oh, Joe,” he says, so quietly he’s not sure if Joe can hear him or not, but then Joe lifts his head, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand, smiling.

“Do you think you’re ready?” Joe asks.

Rami has no idea how to answer that question. He’s ready emotionally and mentally, sure. He has no idea how it’s going go physically once Joe actually starts to pushing into him, but he just nods. “Yes,” he says.

“Okay,” Joe says. He slips his fingers out of Rami, wiping them on his thigh, and then chuckling. “Gonna need another shower,” he says, looking up at Rami as he grabs the condom.

“Me too,” Rami says, watching Joe carefully rip open the packet. “Those are different,” he says casually, and Joe chuckles.

“Yeah?” Joe asks. “Condom technology’s improved in the last hundred years? Good to know.” He rolls it down, stroking himself with a bit more lube. “Hey wait, how do you know what condoms looked like back then?” he asks, smirking.

Rami rolls his eyes. “I’m not a prude,” he says, shifting underneath him.

“Oh, I know,” Joe says. He moves over Rami, in-between his thighs, hitching his legs up a bit over his hips, settling against Rami. “A prude would never let me do this,” he says, taking his cock in his hand, carefully sliding it against Rami before looking up to meet his eyes. “Yeah?” he asks.

Rami nods. “Yes,” he says, voice wavering a bit.

“Okay,” Joe says, starting to press inside him.

Rami immediately tenses up, can feel his muscles starting to shake just a bit, and then Joe leans down, kissing him, running his fingers through Rami’s hair, trying to soothe him.

“Hey, hey,” Joe says softly. “Just breathe.” Joe moves his mouth down, pressing kisses to Rami’s neck. “Okay? Deep breaths.”

“Uh-huh,” Rami says, nodding, but he’s not listening, he’s still not breathing. He’s holding his breath, trying to steel himself against the uncomfortable stretch of Joe inside him. Joe seems so much bigger now, bigger than he's ever felt in Rami's hand.

“Rami,” Joe says softly, pressing his hand to Rami’s cheek, turning his face to look at him, “open your eyes, babe.”

Rami slowly opens his eyes, seeing Joe smiling at him. 

“You gotta breathe,” Joe says. “Okay, right now.”

Rami nods and finally lets out a deep breath. As he does, Joe pushes in further, and Rami gasps loudly, like the air has been punched out of him.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Joe says, smoothing his thumb over Rami’s cheek, looking down at him. “Does it hurt?” he asks. “I can stop, stretch you more. Or we can just—”

Rami shakes his head, keeping his eyes on Joe. “Not…hurt,” he says. “But, it’s…”

“A lot, I know,” Joe says. He kisses Rami again, still pressing into him. He shifts a bit, pushing himself up further to get a better angle, bending Rami a bit underneath him.

“You know?” Rami asks, voice shaking a bit. “You mean, you’ve…”

Joe nods. “Yeah, I have. Why, are you surprised?” He grunts softly, eyes fluttering shut for a moment.

Rami shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says, “I just assumed, I guess.”

Joe chuckles. “I kind of thought you’d want to fuck me,” he admits, groaning a bit as he looks down between them, watching where they’re joined.

“Really?” Rami asks. He reaches out, pushing Joe’s hair back from his forehead. “You’d let me do that?” he asks.

Joe smiles and nods, looking back up. “Of course I would,” he says. “If you wanted to.”

“Oh.” Rami blinks a couple of times. “I don’t know,” he admits softly.

“That’s okay,” Joe assures him, giving Rami another kiss. “Whatever you want, it’s okay.”

Rami nods and takes a deep breath, trying to relax back against the bed, feeling himself open further around him.

After a couple moments, Joe speaks again. “Hey, I’m all the way in, babe, okay?” he says.

“Really?” Rami asks in surprise, lifting his head up a bit. He feels sort of out breath, like the way he's bent won't let his lungs fill up all the way.

Joe smiles. “Yeah,” he nods. “It’s okay. You want me to wait here?” he asks.

"A moment,” Rami nods, starting to run his hands up and down Joe’s back, wiggling his hips a bit to try and get more comfortable. He briefly imagines himself reaching down to hold himself spread himself further for him, but the idea of being so open makes him feel a bit too nervous, more like nauseous. 

Joe nods and starts pressing his mouth over Rami’s neck, his collar bone, his chest, as he waits. He honestly feels like he could just rest there, on top of him, forever. At least until a half a minute or so later when Rami softly says his name and tells him that he’s ready. Then Joe smiles and pushes himself up a bit, pulling his hips back and carefully thrusting back in.

Rami’s thighs tighten around Joe’s hips as Joe rocks in and out of him. It doesn’t feel bad like he’d expected. And though it doesn’t feel as actually amazing as he’d hoped maybe it would, at least not yet, just being here with Joe, feeling him on top of him, around him, in him, Rami feels so utterly loved and taken care of, he has to close his eyes just to fight away the tears he thinks are threatening to come.

“I love you,” Joe murmurs, fingers digging into Rami a bit.

“Yes,” Rami says, nodding. “Yes, I love you, too,” he says, hoping that his voice doesn’t break.

“You have no idea how happy that makes me,” Joe says, starting to speed up his thrusts, grunting softly with each push into him.

Rami smiles faintly, swallowing hard, getting pushed up just a bit closer to the headboard with every snap of Joe’s hips, every grind of him inside him. “I think I do,” he says, finally opening his eyes again, blinking away the blur of tears.

“Are you okay?” Joe asks quickly, reaching to Rami’s face in concern.

Rami smiles and nods as he lets out a soft cry. “I am,” he says, “I promise.”

Joe smiles and kisses him again. “Good,” he says softly. “It would kill me if you weren’t.” He draws his hips back further and pushes in harder, changing the angle of his thrusts just a bit.

Rami cries out loudly, clutching at Joe, mouth hanging open as he starts to pant loudly.

“There we go,” Joe says softly, mostly to himself, and he does it again. And again, until Rami is a writhing mess underneath him, his whole body shaking, cock red and leaking against his stomach. Rami, it turns out, is very loud during sex. Which Joe is more than happy with. “You’re fucking amazing,” Joe whispers, shifting his weight a bit so that he can reach down to take Rami in hand, stroking him with his thrusts. “How are you even real?”

Rami twists under Joe, tossing his head back and forth on the pillow, loudly whimpering and moaning with every movement Joe makes until finally he comes, body taut underneath Joe, fingernails leaving crescent marks in Joe’s skin.

Joe comes not long after, resisting the urge to just flop down on top of Rami. He braces himself above him, breathing heavily, eyes squeezed shut, hips still thrusting into Rami. Joe tries to calm down, at least until he can just collapse mostly to the side of him. They lay there together for a few moments, taking deep breaths, and then Joe grasps onto Rami's hips, pushing himself up a bit, meaning to pull out, until Rami stops him.

"Just another minute," Rami says quickly, meeting Joe's eyes. He swallows hard. He likes it. He likes Joe being that close to him.

"Alright," Joe says, shifting a bit.

Rami’s chest is still rising and falling quickly, and Joe looks over at him, reaching out, dancing his fingertips over Rami’s ribcage.

“Was it okay?” Joe asks, and Rami smiles as he looks over at him.

“It was amazing,” Rami says, and Joe grins, pressing his mouth to Rami’s shoulder.

“Good,” Joe says softly, kissing the skin again. They lay there until their breathing calms and their hearts slow, and Joe honestly feels like he could go again, right now, Rami looks so beautiful there beside him. Joe shifts again, and as he does, he slips out of Rami, both of them making small noises at the loss of being together.

“You knew,” Rami says after awhile, looking at Joe, a faintly amused look on his face.

“Knew what?” Joe asks.

“You brought condoms,” Rami says. “You knew I was going to ask.”

Joe grins. “I…hoped,” he said. “I didn’t _know_.”

“You wouldn’t have suggested it?” Rami asks, surprised.

Joe shakes his head. “I mean, trust me, now that we’ve done it, I’m gonna be asking all the time.” Rami laughs. “But no. I would’ve waited forever, Rami.”

Rami reaches out to run his fingers over Joe’s cheek. Joe blushes and closes his eyes, trying to push his face a bit further into the mattress. “I waited over a hundred years,” he says quietly, a lump growing in his throat.

Joe opens his eyes and lifts his head, looking down at Rami. “For me?” he asks.

Rami nods slowly, hand still on Joe’s face. “I just didn’t know it."

Joe beams and leans down, giving Rami another kiss. “Now you’re stuck with me for another hundred,” he says, pulling back after a moment.

Rami smiles. “That’s alright. I don’t mind.”

Joe just looks at Rami in amazement, and then snuggles against him again. “Sometimes I can’t believe this is real,” he says softly. “You seem like a dream. But you’re here. With me.” He looks over at Rami. “When you could be with anyone.”

Rami shakes his head. “Not when I’m in love with you.” He presses a kiss to Joe’s forehead, and lets his eyes close. They’ll get up eventually to clean up, he thinks. Just not right now. Just a few more minutes here. They deserve it.

\+ + + + +

Joe sends off a quick text to Ben, asking him how the day has been, and has he left the apartment yet, _wink wink_ , before putting his phone away, taking Rami’s hand in his again. Joe squeezes Rami’s hand, watching him look around the street. “Oh look, a movie theatre,” he says, pointing across the street. Rami gives Joe a look that says ‘ _shut up I’m nervous_ ’ and Joe immediately drops his smile, making a face. “What number did she say it was?” he asks instead.

“152,” Rami replies. “Next to something called Bali Bali.”

Joe looks up at the doors they walk by, nothing really clearly marked. After a few more feet, “here, Bali Bali,” Joe says.

Rami looks at the sign and then glances at either side of the front door. “That one,” he says, taking a deep breath. 

Joe smiles. “Yeah. You ready?”

Rami nervously bounces up and down on his feet a couple times. “I think, so yeah.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks. “You wanna buzz in?”

Rami reaches up to the door and drops his hand back to his side nervously, then reaches up again when he gets his nerve back. He hits number one, and then waits for a moment, until a woman starts to speak.

“Hello?” she asks.

Rami glances at Joe, who gives him an encouraging nod. “Yes, hi, hello. Uh, this is Rami. Malek. Your…” He looks at Joe helplessly. “Great-uncle?” he says, sounding confused, and Joe tries not to laugh.

“Hi, Rami,” the woman says warmly. “We’ve been waiting for you. Just come up the stairs, we’re in the first flat there.” There’s a pause and then a buzz, and Rami pulls the door open. He glances back at Joe, who’s following close behind him. They walk up one flight of stairs and turn to the left. Before either of them can knock, the door opens.

Standing there is an older woman with bright green eyes and wavy brown hair with streaks of grey in it, beaming at the two of them. “Rami?” she asks.

Rami glances at Joe, who nudges him towards the door, and then he nods. “Nelly?” he asks.

Nelly laughs softly and reaches out, pulling him.

“Oh!” Rami says in surprise, relaxing into her hug. Oh, he thinks. This is nice.

“I’m so happy you’ve come,” Nelly says, stepping back. “Come in, come in. We’re all excited.”

“Thank you,” Rami says. “Uh, who’s here, exactly?” he asks, glancing at her as they walk into her flat. He looks around; it’s not very big at all, but he doesn’t still see anyone else.

“They’re hiding in there,” Nelly says, nodding down the short hallway. “My son, Leo, and my niece, Adriana. My brother couldn’t make it.”

Rami takes a deep, shaky breath, and nods. “That’s alright,” he says. “I can’t wait to meet them.”

“You got this,” Joe says quietly, stepping up to Rami. He squeezes his hand and then nudges him forward again, following Nelly down the hallway into the small living room. There’s a man and woman sitting there, waiting for them. The first thing that strikes Rami is how young they look; they’re definitely younger than him, but…no, not really, he thinks. God this is confusing. The next thing he realizes is that neither of them really look like his family. Which he didn’t really expect, given that the man Yasmine married didn’t have an Egyptian name, but still, these people are complete strangers. He doesn’t see any part of his family in them. He immediately feels out of place, but he feels Joe standing behind him, and sees Nelly’s encouraging smile, and so he gives them a nervous wave. “Hello,” he says. “I’m Rami.”

Leo, with tanned skin, blue eyes, and a smattering of freckles, looks like he belongs in California, not England. He stands up and reaches his hand out to Rami, giving him a firm shake. “Hiya, I’m Leo,” he says.

Rami is struck by his accent, and isn’t sure that he immediately recognizes where it’s from, but he definitely doesn’t sound like he’s from London. “Hello,” he says, shaking Leo’s hand.

Adriana slowly stands up and gives Rami a smile before pulling him into a hug. “Hi,” she says softly. “It’s a pleasure. An absolute pleasure. I’m so happy to meet you.”

“So am I,” Rami says. He steps back. “Uh, this is my boyfriend, Joe,” he says, glancing back at Joe. He smiles, realizing it's the first time he's introduced Joe that way. Just like Joe wanted.

“Hi,” Joe says happily, eagerly sticking his hand out to Adriana, and then Leo. “Nice to meet you both.”

“Oh, where are you from?” Leo asks, looking at Joe, clearly as surprised by his accent as Rami was by Leo’s.

“New York,” Joe says. “What about you?”

“Australia,” Leo replies, sitting back down on his chair. “Mum and Dad raised me there, but we moved back when they split.”

“Oh, cool,” Joe says, nodding.

“You lived in Australia?” Rami asks, turning to Nelly.

“I did,” Nelly says, nodding as she sits down on the sofa. “My husband Thomas was from Victoria, and wanted to move back when we had children. Sit, sit,” she says, gesturing to the sofa.

Rami swallows hard and sits down carefully next to her, giving her a nervous smile. “You’ll have to forgive me,” he says, “I’m rather nervous. I know this is a bit odd, and all.”

“Very,” Adriana says, nodding. “But that’s alright. We’re all nervous too.” She gives him a smile.

“So uh, sorry,” Joe says, turning to Adriana. “Just trying to follow along here. Nelly said that you’re her niece?” he asks. “So your dad is…”

Adriana nods. “Alexander,” she says. “He did get your letter,” she says, looking at Rami, “he just…well, he’s a bit nervous too. We were all really surprised to hear from you. For...obvious reasons."

Rami swallows hard, nodding. “I know. Again, I’m sorry. It’s— I can’t really imagine what it’s like to hear from some…long lost uncle. _Very_ long lost, really.”

“And I can’t imagine what it’s like to come back and have it be a century later,” Adriana says.

Rami nods. “Well, that too,” he admits quietly.

“You know Rami,” Nelly says, patting Rami on the arm, "my nanna always used to talk about you.”

“Yasmine?” Rami asks, turning to her. “Re— really? She did?”

Nelly smiles and nods. “Of course. You _and_ your brother. She would always tell us stories. When I was younger, and she would baby-sit me, she’d put me to bed and tell me about her brother in the stars.” Rami smiles. “That’s how she described you. I always thought she was a bit barmy, but when I got older, my parents told me she was telling the truth. Then in school they taught us about the Mercury, and I— I couldn’t believe it, really.” She smiles. “I always thought about you, and what happened, and where you were. And now you’re here.” She smiles, reaching up to quickly wipe at her eyes.

Rami’s heart clenches, and he nods. “I am,” he says. “I’m back.”

“And how are you?” Nelly asks. “Are you alright? How have you been? I know it’s been a few months now.”

Rami nods. “It has,” he says, shifting a bit. “And well, uh,” Rami glances over at Joe, who’s sitting on the arm of the sofa, looking down at him. “It’s been…difficult,” he says finally.

Leo scoffs. “Probably a bit of an understatement, mate,” he says from his chair, and Adriana glares over at him.

“Well, yes,” Rami says. “It is. It’s— it was very difficult at first. The hardest thing that’s ever happened to me was trying to adjust to the fact that I would never see my family again. But then, it’s not always _so_ hard. I’ve— well, I was with my best mate on the ship, Gwil, and we live together now in Perth.” He smiles. “And well, then I met Joe.”

Joe smiles brightly and gives a wave.

Rami chuckles softly. “Joe works for the IIS,” he explains. “And his friend Ben came up with a program, to help us all…modernize, I suppose, you could say. So they moved to Perth with us.”

“That’s lovely,” Nelly says, looking up at Joe, smiling. “Thank you,” she says to him, before turning back to Rami. “I just…well, I really just can’t believe you’re here. I never thought I’d meet you. Well, to be honest, we all thought that you were dead. As I’m sure you know.”

Rami nods. “I do, yes. And why wouldn’t you? So long had passed.”

“Was it—” Adriana starts, and Rami turns to look at her. “Was it really only a year?” she asks, leaning forward a bit.

Rami nods. “It— it was, yes. We had no idea when we came back that any more time than that had passed. For us, it was April 1940, until we stepped off the ship.”

Adriana looks at Rami sadly. “I’m so sorry. I…really can’t imagine. To come home and have lost everyone like that. To be in an entirely new world.”

Rami nods, and looks up when he feels Joe’s hand on his shoulder. “I miss everyone so terribly,” he says softly. “My brother and sister, especially. I— I love them. But to— to know that Yasmine told you about me, you have no idea how that makes me feel. It’s a relief, really.” Rami clears his throat and wipes quickly at his eyes. “I was so worried everyone had forgotten about me. That they didn’t miss me while I was gone.”

Nelly laughs and shakes her head. “Gosh, never!” she says. “Never, Rami. When I was a girl, every year, Nanna had a big family dinner for her little brothers on their birthday.”

Rami looks down, blinking quickly, feeling Joe squeeze his shoulder. He’s so close to bursting into tears. “Thank you for telling me that,” he says quietly.

“Of course,” Nelly says. “And if you didn’t mind, I thought you might want to look at photos of her,” she says, reaching out to the coffee table, picking up a thick book.

Leo groans. “Oh, come on, Mum,” he says, “nobody wants to hear about that. I want to hear the good stuff.”

Rami looks over at him in surprise. “What’s the good stuff?” he asks, confused.

“C’mon mate, you went to space!” Leo says. “What was it like? What’s out there?”

Rami laughs softly. “It was brilliant,” he replies. “It was beautiful. Looking at Earth, from up there, it was amazing. And being on Luyten. It was mostly rocky, but there were groves of trees where we were. Delicious fruit. The sunset was lovely. More colours than our sunsets. We didn’t do much there, really. Not much that you’d find interesting. My mate Gwil, he’s a botanist, so it was his job to test the plant-life there, to see if it was safe to eat.”

“And did he eat it?” Adriana asks, sounding a bit shocked.

Rami nods. “He did. After tests and tests, of course, but yes. And then we all did. It was lovely. Very sweet fruit.”

“Brilliant,” Adriana says, nodding slowly. “And what did you do? You were an engineer, weren’t you? You know, there’s a school named after you.”

Rami grins. “I do. And I was. Or, I am. My job was to take care of the ship itself. I needed to make sure that we could take off again from Luyten once we landed.”

“Oh, I can’t imagine the stress,” Nelly says. “What an important job that must be. I mean, imagine if something had gone wrong!”

Rami frowns a bit, thinking _something did go wrong_.

“I just can’t believe it, really,” Leo says. “I mean, it sounds fake, you know."

“It does,” Rami agrees. He’s desperate, itching to get his hands on that photo album in Nelly’s hands, but he’ll keep answering Leo’s dumb questions if he has to. “Trust me, no one believes it any less than I do. It’s probably difficult to imagine what the world was like in 1939, but it was even harder to imagine what the world would be like now. That’s why the IIS sent people to Perth to help us, so we could adjust. Joe’s been showing me films, and— and music, and cars, and trains.” He looks over at Leo, feeling ashamed when he can see the look of pity on his face. “You can’t imagine what it’s like to come home and find out that everyone who’ve ever known is dead."

“No, of course not,” Nelly says, putting her hand on Rami’s shoulder. “And I’m so sorry that you had to find out.”

“Thank you,” Rami says, looking down at his lap.

Nelly shifts next to him, opening the photo album. The first picture is of Sami walking Yasmine down the aisle at her wedding, and he finally starts crying, immediately. If he had stayed, he would’ve been there with them. He would’ve walked her down the aisle as well. He missed his sister’s wedding. He missed _everything_.

“I’m sorry,” Rami says, shoulders shaking, bringing his hand up to his mouth to stifle his cries.

“No, no,” Nelly says, shaking her head. “It’s alright, it’s alright. Do you want to keep looking?” she asks.

Rami nods, wiping at his eyes. “I do,” he says, “very much. Please.”

“This is my grandfather, George,” Nelly says, going to the next page. “My father was named after him.”

“Right,” Rami says, looking at the photo of a man with his hair slicked back, wearing thin glasses, and a tie under his jumper, under his suit jacket. He can’t say that George is how imagined the man Yasmine would end up with, but he trusts that his sister chose the right man for her. She looked so happy in that photo of her with Sami. Rami brings his hand up to rest on Joe’s, trying to bite down on his sobs.

“He was Greek Cypriot,” Nelly says. “He settled in London in 1932.”

“They must have met just after I left,” Rami says. “Her daughter was born in 1940, wasn’t she?”

Nelly nods. “Yes, Aunt Maryam. They got married…well, Maryam was born in early March.” Nelly smiles faintly. “They had only married the September before. Just after war was declared.”

Joe makes a face as he does the math, and tries to stifle a laugh. “Alright, go Yasmine,” he says.

“Oh, stop,” Rami murmurs, flipping to the next page in the book. It’s Sami, Yasmine, and their mother together around Yasmine’s wedding cake. Rami sighs. Seeing his family’s history in front of him like this, the evidence of what he missed, it hurts. It hurts more than missing them ever did before. He wonders if he regrets coming here, meeting the three of them. Was it worth seeing Yasmine and Sami like this?

They go through the rest of the photo album together, seeing photos of Yasmine and George with all of their newborn children, one by one. Then the children start getting older. Then there are photos of Yasmine and George with their grandchildren. Then just Yasmine. At some point, they change from black and white to faded colours, then to bright. All of Rami’s family history, just in a book, right there in front of him. Nelly probably keeps it tucked away in a box in a closet, but to him, it’s everything.

“Would you like to take this?” Nelly asks Rami when they come to the end of the photos.

“Oh, I couldn’t,” Rami says, shaking his head. He desperately wants to, though.

“Oh don’t be silly, of course you could,” Nelly says, nodding. “Take it home. I have copies.”

“Really?” Rami asks.

Nelly smiles. “You thought I wouldn’t be prepared for your visit?” she asks. “You knew them better than I ever did. These are yours, Rami. Yours more than mine, really. I was just holding onto them for you, in case you came back.” She smiles.

“That’s not true,” Rami says. “But thank you so much. I truly appreciate it. My— my mates will love to see it. I can’t wait to show them.” He looks up at Joe.

“They’re going to love it,” Joe agrees, nodding.

“Good, I’m so happy,” Nelly says. “Oh Rami, please tell me you can you stay a bit longer, for tea?” she asks. “The both of you?” she asks, looking up at Joe.

Rami nods. “Yes, of course,” he says. “I’d like that very much.”

Nelly gives them a small clap and then stands up, heading into the kitchen. Rami follows after her, followed by Joe. “Oh, don’t worry,” she says, “I can take care of it. Go sit.”

“I’d like to help, though,” Rami says. “If that’s alright.”

“And I just go where he goes,” Joe says, “so ignore me.”

Nelly smiles over at Joe. “Yes, so please, tell me more about this romance,” Nelly says as she fills the kettle. “I’d quite like to hear more about how it all happened.”

Joe and Rami grin at each other. “Well, there’s not much to say, really,” Joe says. “We met. He smiled. I fell in love.”

“Stop,” Rami says, trying to move away from him as Joe wraps his arms around him, feeling embarrassed to be so affectionate in front of Nelly, but she doesn’t seem to mind at all. She seems to enjoy it, honestly; she’s smiling them at them so brightly.

“Well, since you’re so in love,” she starts, “perhaps it’s for the best you’re both men, then,” Nelly says. “No having to worry about your own little unexpected Maryam.”

Joe chuckles at that. “Aww, a shotgun wedding, how nice,” he says. “My mom would be so proud. I'm sure it's what she’s always wanted.”

Nelly laughs, and Rami looks over at Joe, remembering Ben’s earlier words to him, joking about Joe shopping for wedding rings. Joe can joke about it so easily, Rami wonders, but does Joe really want to marry him? Has it ever crossed his mind?

If Joe asked, would Rami say yes?

Rami clears his throat, and gives Joe a quick smile to say that yes, he’s fine. He reaches out to take Joe’s hand, and Joe smiles back, tugging him in a bit closer. 

“I’d love for you both to come back,” Nelly says. “My— _our_ family was nervous to meet you, but if I spoke to them, and they wanted to meet you, would you come back? Or— would you come back anyway, even if they don’t? I’d so like to talk to you more. Both of you! And your friends.”

Rami looks up at Joe again, who’s smiling proudly. “Absolutely,” he says, turning back to Nelly. “It’d be our pleasure.”

“Wonderful,” Nelly says. “Let me talk to my brother and my cousin. I only wish my father or my uncle or Maryam were still alive. They would’ve known Sami and my grandmother so much more than me.” She frowns slightly. “I never met Sami. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Rami says. “I’m sure he would’ve liked you.”

Nelly smiles over at him, and this time, it’s her eyes filling with tears. “Well,” she says. “Isn’t that a lovely thought.”

Rami nods, and feels Joe’s fingers squeeze his.

\+ + + + +

The next day, on the trip back to Perth, Joe and Rami make one stop. It’s just a short distance away from London. They get off the train, but they don’t even have to leave the station. They walk around the building, Rami and Joe both clutching bouquets in their hands, until they see the plaque. ‘ _In memory of the 113 people who lost their lives at Harrow and Wealdstone on October 8, 1952_.’ Rami says a silent prayer for Sami, and then sets his bouquet down on the ground. He just can’t believe he’s in the place where his brother died. Sami’s life ended here, while Rami was gone. Seemingly never to return. His brother in the stars. Rami hopes it was quick, painless. Tries not to think about the possibility that it wasn’t. Tries not to imagine the fear.

Joe smiles weakly, running his fingers over the engraved letters of the plaque. “Would’ve liked to known you, man,” he says softly, setting his bouquet down as well. “Because I really love your brother. And I’m guessing you were pretty great too.” He looks over at Rami, tears in his eyes, and pulls him into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Rami.”

Rami smiles sadly against Joe’s chest, clutching at him. “He would’ve loved you,” he says, swallowing hard. “I know he would have.” They stand there in front of the memorial together for minutes on end, ignoring everyone around them, until both of them are all cried out. They still have awhile before the next train comes through anyway. Rami sniffles, and looks at Joe. “What about your brother?” he asks softly.

“John?” Joe asks, confused. “What about him?”

“Will he like me?” Rami asks.

Joe slowly grins, nodding eagerly. “Everybody’s gonna love you,” Joe says. “Trust me. John, Mary, my mom. They’re never going to want you to leave. They’re clingy bastards, for sure.”

“I’m sure they’re lovely,” Rami says, and Joe nods again.

“Yeah, that too,” Joe says. He wraps his arm around Rami’s shoulders and he turns back to the memorial. They stand there together, thinking about their own families, and each other, until their train comes through. 

When they get back on, taking their seats, Rami looks out the window. He watches the station until it disappears from sight. Tears silently run down his face as he thinks of his brother. He misses him terribly. He always will. Being a twin, it means that part of him is gone now. But Rami smiles weakly when he thinks of the photo album in his bag, and of Joe next to him, Gwil and Ben waiting in Perth. He has his family again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • well that's that: the longest chapter so far, and my favourite chapter so far, I hope you were into it.  
> • I know a lot of people were excited for Rami to meet his family, so I hope it lived up to your expectations!  
> • honestly I'm obsessed with this chapter and think it's the sweetest thing ever.  
> • I mean, when I originally started this, I wasn't even going to tag Rami/Joe as a ship, I didn't think they'd be in it enough.  
> • now they're goddamn everything to me and they make me so happy and they're so in love.  
> • I mean goddamn Joe took him on the London Eye! (which I know is a tourist trap but I love it and so does Rami)  
> • and in slightly unrelated news, I made this Gwil & Rami [friendship moodboard](https://laminy.tumblr.com/post/184838377630/their-friendship-is-so-soft) because I love them.  
> • the next chapter is pretty fluffy too, and it's all four of them together again so exciting!


	23. Chapter 23

“Hey, do you want to go out for dinner?” Joe asks, glancing at Ben over his phone.

“Where?” Ben asks, looking up from the book he has in front of him.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says. “Wherever you want. Or we can let Gwil and Rami choose, I don’t care. I'm just hungry.”

“Oh,” Ben says. He reaches up, scrubbing his hand over the back of his head. “No, I’m fine.” He looks back down at his book.

Joe watches Ben for a moment, and then rolls his eyes. “Okay,” he says, shaking his head.

“What?” Ben asks, looking up again.

Joe shrugs. “Oh, nothing, it’s just—” He waves his hand. “You’re being a dick.”

“What?” Ben asks loudly.

“You’re a dick,” Joe says.

“Shut up, no I’m not,” Ben says.

“You are,” Joe says. “I want to go out to dinner with my friends, and you’re being a dick. A tool. A big selfish man-baby, as it were.”

Ben makes a face and scoffs. “You’re going to insult me and call me names and you wonder why I don’t want to go out to dinner with you? Are you joking?”

“No,” Joe says, “I know why you don’t want to go out to dinner with me. Or Gwil, should I say.”

Ben sighs. “Look, it’s just—”

“No, it’s fine,” Joe says. “You’ll stay in the apartment forever, and see only me, and occasionally Rami, until we die. That’s a great plan.”

“I hate you so much right now,” Ben mutters.

“And I hate that this is ruining everything,” Joe says. “Come on, Ben, I know it sucks, but…I miss the four of all together. Rami does too. And you can’t tell me that you’re not going just a little bit crazy being stuck in here all the time, with just me as your company. I’m the worst.”

Ben smiles a bit at that. “You’re not so bad,” he says softly.

“See?” Joe says. “You’re already losing your mind! We need to get you out of here. Come on. Come on, one dinner. What could it hurt?”

Ben bites down on his lip, and looks away from Joe for a moment. “I…” He swallows hard. “It’s hard,” he says quietly.

“I know,” Joe says. “But avoiding it isn’t going to help, is it?” He reaches over, taking Ben’s hand, giving him a smile. “I’ll let you sit by me,” he says. “We can eat wherever you wanna eat. Come home early as soon as you want to leave.”

“Why is this so important to you?” Ben asks. “It’s not as if— I mean, you have Rami now, right?”

Joe frowns at that. “Do you really feel that way?” he asks. 

“Like what?” Ben asks, shrugging, pushing his fingers through his hair again. After a moment, he says, “I mean, yeah, sometimes.”

“Ben,” Joe says softly. He pushes his chair back from the table and walks over to Ben, pushing at him until Ben slides his chair back as well. Joe drops down heavily onto Ben’s lap and Ben grunts in surprise and then laughs loudly, shaking with it, trying to hold onto Joe and keep him from hitting the floor. 

“What are you doing?” Ben asks, still laughing. “If Rami walked in right now—”

“I’d tell him I’m taking care of my best friend,” Joe says. “This is nice,” he murmurs, snuggling against Ben’s chest.

“It’s awful,” Ben says. “I’m not sure how small you think you are, Joe, but this isn’t fun for me.”

“Just try not to think of Gwil,” Joe says, “I don’t need anything hard poking me in the ass right now.”

“Oh my _god_ ,” Ben says in shock, pushing at Joe, who just clutches at him so he won’t fall, laughing loudly.

“Ben,” Joe says, a bit breathless, “I’m going to stay right here until you listen to me.”

Ben sighs. “Fine, what?” he asks. 

“I care about you because you’re my friend,” Joe says. “Rami doesn’t change that. None of this changes that. This is important to me because _you’re_ important to me. And I know that…maybe you forget that sometimes, but I don’t. I always think of you. You’re my number one guy.”

Ben laughs softly. “It’s not like I want to ruin everything,” he says. “I just…it hurts sometimes.” He looks away.

Joe nods. “I know,” he says. “So what can I do to make the hurt go away?”

Ben just shakes his head. “I don’t know,” he admits quietly.

“Do you want to go out to dinner just the two of us?” Joe asks, and Ben shakes his head again.

“No, of course not,” Ben says. “That’s not fair to you or Rami.”

“So you’ll come out with all of us?” Joe asks.

Ben sighs. “I’ll say yes, but it’s not like Gwil’s going to be up for it either,” he says.

“Let Rami deal with Gwil,” Joe says, patting Ben’s cheeks a couple of times. “Besides, I have a surprise for you,” he says.

“Is it that you’re going to get off my lap soon?” Ben asks.

Joe sighs and finally stands up. “So you’re in?” he asks.

“Whatever,” Ben says, shrugging. “Let me know when to get changed, I’ll do it.”

“I’m gonna call Rami,” Joe says, grabbing his phone off the table. “Just gimme a sec.”

Ben watches Joe walk out to the balcony, torn between hoping that Gwil will say no to Rami, and hoping that he’ll say yes. He really can’t decide if he wants to see him right now or not. It hasn’t been easy on him; he thought that avoiding Gwil for as long as he could would help. All four of them haven’t been together since Rami and Joe first came back from London and Rami showed them the photo album his niece gave him, almost two weeks ago. Ben knows it’s a sort of shitty thing to do, especially since his entire reason for being in Perth is to help take care of Gwil, but he really doesn’t think he can anymore.

Joe comes back in, smiling. “I’m gonna get changed,” he says, walking by him.

Ben sighs, looking down at what he’s wearing, and pushes himself up, heading towards his bedroom. Of course Rami and Gwil are in, he thinks. Of course. He tries to not feel too disappointed.

\+ + + + +

They meet Rami and Gwil at the restaurant, instead of picking them up, which Ben finds strange, but he assumes it must be part of the reason that Gwil agreed to come. Less time spent with Ben. Ben hangs back towards the car as Joe greets them both happily, pulling Rami in briefly, then smiling and waving at Gwil. He wants to disappear, until Gwil glances over at him, lifting his hand up to greet him.

“Hi,” Ben says quietly, taking a step towards him.

“Have you been here before?” Gwil asks, and Ben shakes his head. 

“Uh, no,” Ben says. “Joe said he’d let me pick but that…didn’t turn out, I suppose.”

“Rami says they’ve come here together,” Gwil explains.

“Oh,” Ben says, nodding. “Right.”

“Come on!” Joe says. “It’s delicious and I’m hungry.” He pulls open the door, holding it open for just Rami, leaving Gwil to reach out and grab it before it slams shut. 

Gwil steps out of the way, holding it open for Ben to walk in first.

“No, it’s all you, mate,” Ben says, gesturing towards the door.

“Come on,” Gwil says, reaching out to take Ben’s arm, pulling him in closer to the door.

Ben walks in first and looks back at Gwil, who just gives him a quick smile. “Did Rami mention anything about a surprise to you?” he asks softly, looking up at him as they wait to be seated.

“No,” Gwil says, shaking his head with a bit of a frown. “Did Joe?”

Ben nods. “Yeah,” he sighs. “I just can’t imagine what it is.”

Gwil shrugs, and then the four of them are led to their booth. Joe eagerly slides in first, and Ben freezes, remembering that Joe offered to let Ben sit by him, but given that Joe also didn’t let him pick the restaurant, Ben’s really starting to think that this whole thing was just a trick. He steps out of the way to let Rami sit down next to Joe, and watches Gwil slide in across from Joe. Ben carefully sits down in the booth, sitting close to the edge of the seat, drumming his fingers on the table. He can feel the gap between the two of them, especially considering how close Rami and Joe are sitting. Ben just sighs.

“What’s good here?” Gwil asks, looking over at Rami.

“I quite liked the steak burger,” Rami says.

Ben looks down at the menu, realizing just how nice of a restaurant this is. He looks up quickly, trying to get a look at Rami’s left hand, as he wonders if this is some sort of engagement announcement. He starts tapping his foot on the floor, knee bouncing quickly. He’d be happy for Joe, though also shocked at how soon it is. And a little hurt that Joe didn’t tell him about it beforehand. Rami’s not wearing a ring, though, and surely Gwil would have noticed that.

“Ben?” Joe says, breaking him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah?” Ben asks, looking up.

Joe just gives him an encouraging smile, and Ben rolls his eyes, looking back down at the menu.

“Would you want to share a starter?” Rami asks, reaching his hand out to tap his fingers on Ben’s menu.

“Hey, why not me?” Joe asks.

“Share with Gwil,” Rami says, glancing over at Joe with on his face. “Ben?” he asks.

“Sure,” Ben says, nodding, “if you’d like.”

“Do you want anything in particular?” Rami asks. 

Ben just shakes his head. “No, anything you’d like,” he smiles.

“What about you?” Joe asks, looking reluctantly at Gwil. “Do you wanna be my boyfriend for the night, since I’ve been so betrayed?”

Ben and Rami both smile at each other, rolling their eyes, and Gwil shrugs.

“Whatever you’d like, Joe,” Gwil says, and Joe beams over at him.

“Alright,” Joe says. “Well, in related news, I’m happy to hear you say that.”

Ben swallows hard, straightening up a bit. He can tell they’re about to find out whatever Joe’s surprise is, then Ben wonders if maybe it’s a surprise to Rami too. Maybe it’s not an engagement announcement, maybe it’s the actual proposal. Ben wishes he had a drink right now.

“So, what are you guys doing tomorrow?” Joe asks.

Ben and Gwil glance at each other, frowning. Based on the look on Rami’s face, it’s not a surprise to him, he’s just happy to let Joe be the one to announce…whatever’s going on.

“Nothing,” Gwil says, shaking his head.

“I…nothing,” Ben echoes, “I suppose.”

Joe and Rami smile at each other.

“Good!” Joe says. “Because we’re going to London.”

Ben frowns, shoulders slumping a bit. “London?” he repeats.

Rami nods, and Ben looks over at Gwil again.

“What’s in London?” Gwil asks.

“Well, funny you should ask,” Joe says. “I guess the _real_ surprise is what we’re doing on Friday.”

“Okay,” Gwil says slowly, “so what are we doing on Friday?”

Rami smiles. “Joe and I thought you and Ben might enjoy going to Wimbledon,” he says. “For the day.”

“Really?” Gwil asks, excitedly leaning forward across the table.

Ben looks away, down at the menu. He wants to be excited. He’d told Gwil when they first moved to Perth that they would go down to Wimbledon to see a match or two. But things were different then. God, that seems so long ago now. 

“We take the train tomorrow,” Joe continues, “and then spend Friday at the court.”

Rami reaches across the table, putting his hand on Gwil’s hand. “Then I thought we could go through Wales on the way back,” he says. “Maybe spend the day at Llangennith.”

“Llangennith?” Ben asks, finally looking back up.

“It’s beautiful,” Gwil says, turning to him. “It’s my favourite place. I’d love for you to see it.”

“Oh,” Ben says softly, nodding. “Alright.”

“What do you say?” Joe asks, speaking to both of them, but looking at Ben.

“Uh,” Ben sighs, and then nods. “Of course,” he says. “Especially since I assume you already have the tickets,” he says.

“We do,” Rami says.

“And all four of us are going?” Ben asks. “I know tennis isn’t really your thing.”

“It’s great,” Joe says quickly.

Ben smiles. “You hate it,” he says.

Joe mock gasps, clutching at his chest. “Never!”

“Of course all four of us,” Rami says, nodding. “Do you want to come?” 

“Sure,” Ben says. He looks over at Gwil, who’s smiling. “You’re in too, I suppose?”

Gwil nods. “I’d love to watch a match or two.”

“It’s the semifinals,” Rami says. “We’ll see both.”

“Brilliant,” Gwil says, nodding eagerly. “I’d love that.”

“Great,” Ben says. “Uh, where are we staying?”

Joe shrugs. “Just the IIS,” he says. “Crew quarters for a couple nights, that's fine, yeah?”

“Of course,” Ben agrees. “Uh, in Wales, though?” he asks.

“Ben,” Joe says sternly, “it’s all taken care of, don’t worry about it.”

Ben sighs, and he can only imagine that Joe’s taken it upon himself to book just two rooms. If that’s the case, Joe’s not coming back from this goddamn trip alive. “Okay,” he says, glancing over at Gwil. “Yeah, brilliant.”

\+ + + + +

The rest of the dinner goes smoothly, no more surprises. They offer to drive Rami and Gwil back to their flat, but strangely, they decline, preferring to walk. Ben looks away when Joe and Rami give each other a quick goodbye kiss; he can only imagine that, once again, Gwil’s refusing to spend any more time with him than necessary. This holiday is going to be a fucking disaster, he thinks.

He doesn’t say anything about it until they’re back at the flat though, and he slams the door just a bit too heavily behind him and Joe sighs.

“So, you’re pissed,” Joe says.

“A little warning would have been lovely,” Ben snaps. “I mean, god, Joe! The four of us, on holiday—”

“London is not a holiday,” Joe says. “We’ll be gone four days.”

“With _him_!” Ben says. “He— he can’t even stand to be around me, and you want us to go to London together.”

“It’s for tennis,” Joe says, “I thought you’d be happy. Besides, what are you talking about, can’t stand to be around you? He had a great time at dinner!”

“Nothing,” Ben says, shaking his head. “Just— I can’t— _think_ sometimes, Joe. Don’t just…make these decisions for me without asking me. What if I’d said no?”

“Right well, I booked everything first, so you couldn’t,” Joe says.

“Exactly!” Ben says. “You’ve gone and bloody trapped me into this, so if I say no I look like the arsehole.” 

“I thought you’d be happy,” Joe says.

“No, you thought _you’d_ be happy,” Ben says. “Because you get to go on holiday with your boyfriend, while Gwil and I get dragged around behind you.” He groans and storms into his bedroom, but he doesn’t bother closing the door behind him. It wouldn’t stop Joe anyway. Joe doesn’t follow him in, though, so Ben’s left alone to just sit on the edge of his bed, staring at his closet where he keeps his bag. He can not pack. He can just tell them he’s not going. Rami and Joe will still go, maybe Gwil will, maybe he won’t. Ben may be the youngest of the four but he’s still an adult and he doesn’t have to go anywhere if he doesn’t want to. 

Ben sighs and drops back on the bed, staring up at his ceiling. He’s not fucking going, and that’s it. Joe will have to drag him out kicking and screaming if he wants him to go London with them. That prick.

\+ + + + +

Ben glares at Joe across the aisle of the train, because of _course_ he left Ben and Gwil to sit by each other.

Joe just smirks and gives him a wave, before turning back towards Rami, who’s talking animatedly about some article he’d read on the BBC this morning about the IIS rover program.

“Alright?” Gwil asks, settling in next to Ben, looking over at him.

“Fine,” Ben mutters, crossing his arms. “Just…didn’t sleep well last night,” he lies.

“Oh,” Gwil says. “Well, feel free to sleep here,” he says, giving Ben a small smile. “I won’t be bothered.”

Ben feels his face start to flush, and he nods jerkily. “I’ll be alright,” he says, “thanks though.”

“Sure,” Gwil says. He picks up the book he has on his lap, flashing the cover towards Ben. “Do you mind if I read?” he asks.

Ben shakes his head. “Course not,” he says. He sighs, looking over the aisle again at Joe and Rami, then shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He’s surrounded by the people he probably cares most about in the whole world, and he still feels lonely. He twists his fingers together on his lap, and just stares at the seat in front of him.

\+ + + + +

They ate dinner at a pub near the IIS, then walked up and down the banks of the Thames until all of them were stifling their yawns; Rami and Joe leading the group, hands clasped and swinging between them. Rami brought up the London Eye nearly half a dozen times, telling Gwil about all the things you could see from the top, and how long it took, and how you could still get Wifi up there, even at the top. Gwil just smiled and nodded, glancing over at Ben occasionally to see his reaction. Ben tried to smile back, but mostly just kept his head down, listening to the other three.

The next morning, Ben rolls over when he hears his phone go off, reaching out to grab it and turn off his alarm. He yawns as he pushes himself up, seeing that Joe texted him in the night. He’s a little surprised, since he figured he and Rami would be a little too busy in bed for Joe to grab his phone, but then he sees that it’s just a message asking Ben to keep it down if he ends up in Gwil’s room. Ben just clutches at his phone, and tries not to scream. He really is going to kill the guy.

\+ + + + +

They meet in front of the IIS building; or rather, Ben waits out front for the three of them to come out as he paces back and forth, craving a cigarette.

“You didn’t reply to my text,” Joe says, going over to Ben, linking arms with him as they start to walk towards the tube.

“I hate you,” Ben mutters, pushing Joe away from him. He knows that Joe thinks he’s being funny, that it’s just a joke, but it’s _not_. Not to him, anyway. He knows he doesn’t have a chance with Gwil, and every dig Joe makes about it just drives that further home. He genuinely can’t believe that Joe doesn’t get it. He wishes he’d never told Joe about his feelings in the first place.

Once they’re actually at the stadium, though, and Ben sees their seats, he hates Joe a little bit less. He’d been a couple times when he was child, but his parents never had seats like these. He doesn’t want to know how Joe got these tickets, or god forbid, how much they cost, but he shoots him a grateful smile as he settles down in his seat. Gwil sits down next to him, looking over at him excitedly.

“I can’t believe we’re here,” Gwil says softly, bouncing up and down in his seat a little bit.

“You’re happy?” Ben asks, though it’s obvious that he is.

Gwil nods eagerly. “I don’t know how I’m going to thank them,” he says. “These seats are amazing.”

“I know,” Ben nods in agreement, looking out over the court. “Probably looks a bit different than when Fred Perry was playing.” Gwil frowns a bit. “That’s his name, right?” Ben asks. “The one you mentioned?”

“Uh, yes,” Gwil nods. “Yes, of course. Sorry, I just didn’t think you’d remember.”

Ben smiles. “You said he was your favourite, right?”

Gwil nods again. “I did,” he agrees.

“Well,” Ben shrugs, turning back to the court, “of course I remembered.”

Gwil and Ben watch the first match excitedly, though they’re rooting for opposite players. They both respect the stricter spectator rules of Wimbledon, though Ben is always so desperate to give a bit of a cheer during the longer rallies. A few times he leans forward in his seat to look at Rami and Joe, neither of whom seem anywhere near as thrilled as he and Gwil are, but they’re putting on a good face at least. Ben has such a good time, distracted by a great match (that _his_ player wins) he doesn’t find himself thinking about his feelings for Gwil at all. Until the match ends and he grins over at Gwil, who’s smiling back. It makes Ben’s heart flutter just a bit.

\+ + + + +

The second match goes the full five sets, and by the time they make it to the tube, get off, grab something to eat, and head back to the IIS, it’s late. Too late. Joe had wanted the four of them to stay up, maybe go out for drinks, but Ben just shrugs him off, telling him they can go out tomorrow when they’re in Wales. Rami and Joe bid them goodnight, disappearing into their room, Rami leading Joe in by the hand. Ben and Gwil continue down the hallway to where their rooms are, Gwil still talking about the matches. Ben just smiles up at him, listening to him speak. Gwil just sounds _so_ happy that they got to see it, that they were actually at Wimbledon, Ben can’t help but feel happy too.

They reach Ben’s room first, and he fumbles a bit for his key. He expects Gwil to say goodnight and just keep walking, so he’s surprised when Gwil leans against the wall, watching Ben unlock the door. Ben looks up at him as he pushes the door open a bit, swallowing hard. It’s the first time they’ve been this close since the morning after Rami’s birthday party, and it makes him flush a bit with the memory. He wonders sometimes if they were actually going to kiss, before Rami had pushed open the door. Or if it had just been in his imagination. He can’t ask Gwil about it, obviously, so he just gives him an awkward smile, one that feels fake on him. “Are you alright?” he asks.

Gwil nods once. “Just making sure you get in safely,” he says, and Ben looks down.

“Alright,” Ben says, nodding. “Well, goodnight, Gwil.” He looks back up at him.

“Goodnight,” Gwil says softly, and Ben steps into his room, looking at Gwil once more before he closes the door behind him. He swallows hard as he pushes himself flat against the door, taking a deep breath. He wants desperately to reach out into the hall and grab Gwil’s arm to pull him in. A few moments later, he hears Gwil walk away, and Ben’s eyes widen a bit in surprise, realizing that Gwil had stayed out there. Was he waiting for him? Ben wonders. He just shakes his head and pads across the room, dropping down onto his bed.

\+ + + + +

They leave London in the morning, getting on the bullet train to Swansea, where they have to get off and switch to a bus to Llangennith. Ben has no idea why Gwil’s so interested in where they’re going, but both Gwil and Rami assure him that it will be lovely. Ben and Joe just shrug and go along with it.

They get off the bus and walk to the hotel that Joe had booked for them, and Ben worries his bottom lip during the entire check-in process, until he watches Joe hand Gwil one room key, and then hand Ben another. They check into their rooms, dropping off their bags, and Joe tells them all to get ready to go swimming. Ben rolls his eyes, since he and Joe both know he doesn’t swim, but he plays along and changes into a pair of shorts and a shirt that he wouldn’t absolutely hate if they got wet.

The four of them walk down to the beach, about twenty minutes away, and Ben catches Gwil looking around happily more than once. He wonders if Gwil feels more at home here. He certainly looks it. Once they can see the water and the beach, Ben understands why Gwil must love it so much. It’s beautiful. He’s impressed to see so many people there, both on the beach and in the water. He wasn’t expecting to see people there surfing, and he looks over at Gwil in surprise. Then Ben wonders how long people have been surfing for, and if Gwil and Rami know what it is. He doesn’t want to ask and sound dumb, or make them feel dumb, so he just keeps walking.

They find a spot on the beach empty enough for all four of them to lay out on the sand, but Rami and Joe quickly peel off their shirts and kick off their shoes, leaving their stuff behind as they run into the water.

Ben watches them for a moment, before laying down on his towel, closing his eyes, throwing his arm over his eyes. He feels Gwil shifting next to him though, and he glances over, realizing that Gwil’s taken off his shirt as well, and he takes a deep breath, closing his eyes again before Gwil realizes that he’s watching him. God, he thinks, Gwil's so handsome. He bites down on his lip, the image of Gwil shirtless burned in his brain. He shifts on the sand.

Gwil glances down at Ben, realizing how warm the sun is on his skin, thinking that Ben must be even warmer in his shirt. He knows that he’s changed in front of Ben before, but Ben’s never done so in front of him. He wants to ask if Ben’s alright in his shirt, but he realizes how inappropriate that might come off, so he just keeps his mouth shut and digs his book out of his bag. He settles back, starting to read, letting the sun beat down on his chest, listening to the sounds of people around them.

Gwil’s gone through quite a few pages, having lost track of time, when Ben makes a quiet noise, and Gwil looks over.

“Ben,” Gwil says softly, leaning over towards him.

“Hmm,” Ben murmurs, eyes flickering but not opening.

“Are you awake?” Gwil asks.

“Mm,” Ben says, and Gwil laughs loudly, forcing Ben to finally crack his eyes open. “What?” he asks, lifting his head up a bit, shielding his eyes with his hand.

“I was just wondering if you were alright,” Gwil explains, and Ben groans, dropping his head back down to his towel. “Aren’t you warm?”

“‘m fine,” Ben grumbles a bit. 

“Okay,” Gwil says, settling back down with his book. He smiles over at Ben, watching him for a moment. Gwil wonders if Ben’s hair will lighten with the sun, or if freckles will pop up over his nose. Will he burn, or will he tan, making the green of his eyes even more noticeable. Gwil bites down on his lip, keeping his eyes on Ben until he hears a shriek from the water and he jumps, looking over.

“It’s just Joe,” Ben says, not even looking up. “He’s fine.”

Gwil chuckles softly, realizing that Ben’s right, Rami’s just dunked him under the water, laughing maniacally as Joe comes back up, complaining about the cold. “How’d you know?” he asks, resting back on his towel.

Ben shrugs a bit. “I’d know his weird noises anywhere, I hear them at all hours.” He takes a deep breath, wiggling a bit on his towel, settling into the sand.

Gwil laughs again. “Aren’t you going to swim at all?” he asks. He sets his book down and then rolls over to his stomach, resting his cheek on his hands, watching Ben.

Ben just shakes his head slowly. “Not for me, no, thanks.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone,” Gwil says softly.

Ben turns to look at him, opening his eyes a bit, shading them with his hand. “You’re going in too?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “I’d like to, I think. It’s so warm. Are you alright here on your own?” he asks.

“Fine,” Ben shrugs. He folds his arms behind his head, and Gwil frowns, reaching out without thinking, tracing his fingers along the inside of Ben’s arm, where his sleeve is tugged back a bit. Ben opens his eyes, looking over at Gwil.

“Sorry,” Gwil says, withdrawing his fingers. “I just…didn’t realize you had a tattoo,” he says.

“Mm,” Ben murmurs, shifting a bit on the towel. “Yeah, it’s…young and foolish?” he says, smiling.

“Not at all," Gwil says, shifting a bit closer, looking down at the tattoo again. "It’s a lion?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Ben nods, watching Gwil look at him.

“I like it,” Gwil says, smiling over at him.

“Thanks,” Ben says. He usually keeps it covered up, and Joe’s really the only person who knows he has it, but he doesn’t mind that Gwil knows. He definitely doesn’t mind the way Gwil’s looking at him.

“Hmm,” Gwil murmurs, reaching out to trace the outline of the black art again, and then he pushes himself up. “Sure you don’t want to come in?” he asks, holding a hand out to Ben.

Ben swallows hard, sitting up, looking at Gwil’s hand, then out at the water. “It’s probably cold,” he says softly.

Gwil chuckles softly. “Maybe,” he says. “Ben?”

“Hmm?” Ben says.

“You do know how to swim, don’t you?” Gwil asks.

Ben scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Of course I do,” he says, looking over at Gwil.

“Come on, then,” Gwil says. He stands up, brushing some sand off himself, then reaches his hand out to Ben again.

Ben sighs and takes Gwil’s hand, pushing himself up. He takes a couple steps until he feels Gwil’s fingers tugging at the hem of his shirt. 

“Off,” Gwil says, tugging again. “You’ll be uncomfortable.”

Ben nervously meets Gwil’s eyes and then has to look away as he reaches up, grasping the neckline of his shirt, tugging it over his head. He drops it on the towel, and then kicks off his shoes. He looks over at Gwil, who’s staring down at Ben, eyes a little darker than usual. Ben feels warm, and it’s not just from the sun. He feels the urge to cover up again.

“Come on,” Gwil says after a moment, starting to lead Ben towards the water. 

“Yay!” Ben can hear Joe call once he realizes that Ben’s coming in as well, and Ben laughs softly. The water is cold as he steps into it, and he crosses his arms over his chest, trying not to shiver. It laps around his ankles as he stops walking, watching Gwil keep on towards Rami and Joe. 

“Come on,” Gwil says, turning back towards him.

Ben sighs and shakes his head, but finally he follows him in. He shivers again as they move until the water is up past his waist. He finds himself wanting to cling to Gwil.

“Look at you,” Joe says, slinging his arm Ben’s shoulders, pulling him in.

Ben groans, the water running down from Joe over Ben’s arms and back, and then Joe reaches up to playfully mess up Ben’s hair, and Ben pushes him away, laughing as Joe loses his balance and splashes back into the water.

“Oh, you’re dead!” Joe yells, struggling to find his footing again and push himself back up.

“No!” Ben says, trying to hurry behind Gwil for protection.

“Get him, Rami!” Joe says, and Ben feels himself being pushed under the water by Rami. Joe hurries towards the two of them but gets pulled back by Gwil, who ducks Joe under the water.

Joe comes up, sputtering, looking at Gwil like he’s been betrayed, while Ben just laughs at him, hovering near Gwil’s side. “No fair, you’re the tallest!” Joe says, crossing his arms, pouting.

“That’s not my fault,” Gwil says, laughing. He wraps his arm around Ben’s shoulders and holds his other arm out to keep Joe back.

Joe and Rami look at each other, and then they rush at Gwil, knocking him into the water.

Ben turns and swims a bit further out to get away from them, but then Rami is right behind him. “Oh no you don’t!” Rami says, grasping onto Ben’s shoulders, trying to duck him under again. “Oh, is that a tattoo?” Rami asks suddenly, looking at Ben’s arm.

Ben smiles, nodding, then splashes him in the face while Rami’s distracted, swimming away again.

The four of them are in the water until they lose all track of time, eventually giving up on trying to drown each other, and they just swim around until they’re all tired, warm, and hungry. Rami ends up with his legs wrapped around Joe's waist, tiredly resting against him. They drag themselves out of the water, back up to their towels, drying off and tugging their shirts back on. They pull on their shoes, gather their things, and start the walk back up to the town.

“Come on, there’s a bar here I wanna go to,” Joe says, glancing back at Ben and Gwil.

Ben looks over at Gwil and smiles, shaking his head. “I’m sure it’s really class,” he says sarcastically, and Gwil laughs.

Ben’s right, the pub looks like a dive, but Joe thinks it looks great, and they all crowd in.

“Oh my god,” Rami says excitedly, “look!” He tugs at Gwil’s arm. “Is that a jukebox?”

“Seriously?” Ben says, shaking his head. “What century is it?” He makes a face when he realizes what he’s said. “Sorry,” he says to Rami and Gwil. “Uh, brilliant.” Ben sighs and shakes his head, looking around for a place for them to sit. He finds a small table, and takes a seat. He hangs his head a bit, embarrassed by what he's said, and in general just tired from pretending all day that he's not in love with Gwil.

“Let’s order some drinks,” Joe says, getting out his wallet. “First round on me.” He walks over to the bar with Rami, and Gwil sits down next to Ben.

“ _What century is it_?” Gwil repeats, and Ben shakes his head.

“Not my finest moment,” Ben admits. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Gwil says, smiling. “Sort of funny, really."

“I’m relieved,” Ben says. They sit there until Rami and Joe bring them their drinks.

“Cheers,” Rami says, lifting his glass, and the other three do the same. They sit and finish their first round, and then Ben gets up to go order the second, Gwil trailing behind him to help carry them.

After his second beer, Joe kisses Rami on the cheek, murmuring “I’ll be right back,” and then pushes himself away from the table.

Gwil smirks over at Rami, who just makes a face at him. “What?” Gwil asks. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Stop it,” Rami says, taking a drink.

“Come on,” Joe says, walking back over from the jukebox, holding his hand out to Rami. 

Rami looks down at Joe’s hand in surprise, then back up at Joe. “What?” he asks.

“Dance with me,” Joe says, still holding his hand out.

“I don’t…” Rami looks helplessly over at Ben and Gwil, who are both just smiling. “Oh, Joe, I don’t— I wouldn’t be any good at it.”

“I’ll lead,” Joe says, shrugging. “Come on, I picked this song just for you.”

Rami looks up at the ceiling as he tries to focus on the lyrics. He can pick out _‘I miss the Earth so much’_ and _‘it’s lonely out in space’_ and he smiles hesitantly over at Joe. “Alright,” he says, carefully setting his beer down on the table, taking Joe’s hand.

Joe spins him in towards him, and Rami laughs loudly, surprised.

Ben and Gwil both laugh softly, watching Joe lead Rami out onto the floor, putting his hand on Rami’s waist, pulling him. Rami settles against Joe, holding his hand, letting Joe lead him.

“Not so bad, huh?” Joe asks softly, mouth by Rami’s ear.

Rami smiles and shakes his head, turning to press a quick kiss to the side of Joe’s neck.

“Just wait until I dip you,” Joe says, and Rami laughs loudly, shaking his head. 

“No, stop,” Rami says, “I don’t want to fall!” 

Joe tightens his grip on Rami. “Like I’d ever drop you,” he says. He starts to sing softly along with the song, swaying back and forth. “‘ _Oh no no no, I’m a rocket man…burning out his fuse up here alone_.’” He hums along with the rest, smiling at Rami. 

“Is this an old song?” Rami asks.

“Yeah, pretty old,” Joe agrees. “The ‘70s, I think.”

“Where did you hear it?” Rami asks.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know. My grandparents, I guess.”

Rami makes a quiet noise and nods, settling back against Joe’s chest.

“What’s wrong?” Joe asks softly, pulling back a bit so he can meet Rami’s eyes.

“Nothing,” Rami says softly, but then Joe’s letting go of his hand, reaching up to cup Rami’s face, swiping his thumb over his cheekbone. “Nothing,” Rami says again, and he turns his face a bit, kissing Joe’s palm. He reaches up, taking Joe’s hand back in his. “This is lovely,” he says. 

Joe frowns a bit, but then he leans in, giving Rami a quick kiss, smiling against his mouth. “I love you,” he says softly, and Rami nods.

“I love you, too,” Rami says.

“I’m so happy to be here with you,” Joe continues, and Rami smiles, resting his head against Joe’s chest, tucking his face into Joe’s neck. “I’d stay here forever.” Joe squeezes Rami’s waist and turns his head, kissing Rami’s temple. They sway slowly against each other to the music, close, until Joe quickly moves and spins Rami out, and Rami laughs as Joe pulls him back in.

Gwil smiles and takes a drink, glancing over at Ben, who’s watching Joe and Rami with a half-interested look on his face, beer bottle up to his mouth without actually drinking from it. “They’re sweet,” he says, and Ben puts his bottle down, turning towards Gwil. 

“They’re alright,” Ben says, shifting in his seat, and then a moment later he smiles back.

“Much of a dancer?” Gwil asks, glancing towards the floor.

Ben scoffs and shakes his head. “God no,” he says. “Are you?” he asks.

Gwil shrugs. “Not to…this,” he says, gesturing around the pub with his drink, “but I used to be.”

Ben looks at Gwil in surprise, then smiles faintly. “Really?” he asks.

Gwil shrugs again, looking away. “Not much else to do for fun back then,” he teases.

Ben laughs at that, taking a drink. “I suppose that’s true,” he says. He swallows hard, wondering if Gwil is expecting him to ask him to dance. He can’t imagine that’s what Gwil means, but the look on Gwil’s face now, it seems…sad, somewhat. Or like he feels out of place. He’s trying to think of what to say, about to reach out to him when Rami appears back at the table, smiling. 

“Do you want to dance?” Rami asks Gwil, and Gwil glances over at Ben, who just shrugs, gesturing towards the floor.

“Alright,” Gwil says, taking Rami’s hand, letting him lead him onto the floor.

Joe laughs as he walks by them, taking his seat back at the table, playfully bumping his shoulder against Ben’s. “How’d we look?” he asks, picking his drink back up.

Ben just gently clears his throat a bit, glancing out onto the floor to see Rami and Gwil dancing together, the song a bit faster, but both of them clearly having a good time. “Beautiful,” he says, looking back at Joe, giving him a smirk.

Joe looks over his shoulder, watching Rami and Gwil for a moment before looking back at Ben. “You wanna get out there?” he asks.

Ben just shakes his head. “I’m fine here,” he says.

“Oh, my sweet Benny,” Joe says, reaching out to playfully ruffle Ben’s hair, getting his hand swatted away. “I’m sure you’re a _beautiful_ dancer too,” he says. “You’re beautiful all the time. Don’t think I didn’t notice you shirtless today.”

“Ugh, bugger off,” Ben says, taking a drink. He shifts in his seat, uncomfortable.

Joe watches Rami and Gwil for a few moments, before turning back to Ben again. “Are you having fun?” he asks.

Ben nods. “Yeah, it’s lovely,” he says. “I’m chuffed.”

Joe smiles. “Are you sure you don’t want to dance?” he asks.

Ben takes a deep breath, trying not to groan or roll his eyes, and just gives Joe another smile. “I’m fine.”

“What about with Gwil?” Joe continues quietly.

Ben looks down at the table, starting to pick at the corner of his coaster. He just shakes his head. He thinks again about whether or not Gwil wanted him to ask, or was about to ask him, but he doesn’t believe that's really true. Gwil was just making polite conversation. Probably felt bad for him, honestly.

“I’m gonna pick a song for us to dance to,” Joe says, leaning forward. “I want to get you drunk, and I want to make you dance. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Ben can’t help but smile and he rolls his eyes. “I don’t dance, Joe,” he says.

“Oh, you will,” Joe says. He takes a drink and throws Ben a wink before pushing himself back from the table, heading back over to the jukebox.

Ben’s stomach starts to twist a little bit, watching Joe pick out a song. He feels nervous, and keeps picking at his coaster. The song Gwil and Rami are dancing to finishes, and Ben sighs, nervous. He looks up when they reappear beside him, a bit sweaty, a bit out of breath, but clearly happy and having a wonderful time. “Having a good time?” he asks anyway.

Rami and Gwil both nod eagerly, Gwil picking up his drink from the table.

“Excuse me!” Joe says loudly, pushing between Gwil and Rami, holding his hand out to Ben expectantly. “My best friend and I are supposed to dance together now.”

Ben looks over at Gwil and Rami, who are both smiling back at him. He looks away from Gwil, and hesitantly reaches his hand out to Joe, climbing off his chair. Rami laughs and ducks out of the way as Joe leads Ben out onto the floor. “I hate you,” he mutters, but he lets Joe dramatically dip him anyway.

“You love me,” Joe says, pulling Ben back before immediately spinning him out.

Ben feels like an idiot, but he’s also grinning so hard his face hurts.

“A little fun never killed anybody, old man,” Joe says, pulling Ben back to his chest.

“I’m younger than you,” Ben points out, and Joe just shushes him.

“We’re on vacation,” Joe continues, and Ben laughs loudly.

“Our whole lives are vacation!” he exclaims. “You’re getting paid to date Rami, you know that, right?”

Joe scoffs. “I’m getting paid to guide him through the 21st century and answer any questions he may have about technology and— yeah I’m getting paid to date him but don’t tell anybody, alright?”

Ben laughs again. “Your secret’s safe with me,” he says, and then he decides to actually enjoy being in a shitty pub with his best friends while they drink and listen to awful music, and he dips Joe this time.

Joe looks up at him in surprise, and then grins as Ben lifts him back up. “I knew you could fucking dance, you loser.”

“Oh, sod off,” Ben mutters, but he’s still smiling.

“Who have you been dancing with?” Joe asks. “Who are you cheating on me with?”

Ben winks. “You know you’re the only one for me,” he says, and then he lifts their hands above their heads, letting Joe spin underneath them. 

“I better be,” Joe says.

“What even is this song?” Ben asks, listening to it for a moment.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know. Pretty awful, huh?”

“Yes,” Ben replies, laughing.

Joe laughs as well, and then clasps his hands behind Ben’s neck, starting to sway with him, even though it doesn’t match the rhythm of the song. “You know you’re pretty nice when you’re actually trying to have fun,” he says. 

Ben scoffs. “Thanks,” he says. “So I’m not nice otherwise?”

Joe shrugs. “I just want _other_ people to appreciate your niceness,” he says. “I think you’re pretty great, but sometimes I don’t know if you do.”

Ben briefly looks away. Just like that, he’s reminded of all the times when he younger that he felt unappreciated, by his family, by the other people at school. Joe’s not wrong. “I think you’re a little pissed,” he says, trying to deflect it.

“You know,” Joe continues, “I’d never be friends with a loser.”

Ben rolls his eyes, and sighs. And just like that, Joe knows how to ruin a moment too. “Thanks, mate,” he says, stepping back a bit. “Let’s get you back to your boyfriend, yeah?”

Joe grins. “My boyfriend,” he echoes. “He loves me, you know.”

Ben laughs, clapping Joe on the back of the shoulder, leading him back to their table. “I never would’ve guessed,” he says sarcastically. He practically pushes Joe into his chair, leaving him to turn to Rami, and then climbs into his seat, looking over at Gwil, who’s watching him with a smile. “What?” he asks, shifting a bit under his gaze.

“Nothing,” Gwil says, shrugging, but he keeps smiling.

“What?” Ben asks again.

“Nothing,” Gwil repeats. “You just…looked like you were having a lovely time out there, is all.”

Ben looks down at the table, and then nods. “I’m having a brilliant time,” he says, and it’s true. He is. Despite everyone around him apparently thinking he has no idea how to. God, he had no idea he came off as _so_ boring sometimes. “I’m really glad we made this trip,” he says.

“Good,” Gwil says softly, reaching over to pat Ben’s hand a couple times.

Ben swallows hard, looking down at their hands, feeling the drag of Gwil’s fingers against the back of his hand as he takes his back, and he glances over at Joe and Rami. Rami’s got his arm wrapped around Joe’s shoulder, their chairs close enough to each other that it almost looks like Rami could be in Joe’s lap. He’s smiling at Joe, looking up at him like he hung the moon. Joe gives him a quick peck on his nose, making Rami’s face scrunch up a bit, and even Ben has to smile. Joe looks over at Ben for a moment, and Ben raises his bottle up to him, then takes a drink. He looks away, resting his chin on his hand, watching other people in the pub. He _is_ having fun, he would swear to it. He just also feels lonely, even though he has no reason to. He wonders how Gwil feels, watching Rami and Joe together. Wonders if he’s happy for them, and happy to be there. Or if he’s as lonely as Ben is. He wonders if he’d say yes if Ben asked him to dance.

He actually almost thinks that yes, Gwil would, at least just to be nice. But he still can’t bring himself to ask.

Ben takes a deep breath, finishing off his beer, patting his pockets for his cigarettes. He desperately wants one, but he also doesn’t want the judgment from his mates, so he just smiles across the table at them, drumming his fingers on the table, bobbing his head to the beat. He starts tapping his foot along as well, and singing softly, until he looks over at Gwil again, who’s watching him with a look of amazement on his face. “What?” Ben asks, immediately stopping his movements.

“No, don’t,” Gwil says quickly. “I had no idea. Keep going.”

“Maybe we should have found a karaoke place instead,” Joe says, tilting his head to the side as he thinks.

“No!” Ben says quickly.

Joe just laughs. “Well keep going then, Ben. Dazzle us all with your voice.”

“I’m going to murder you,” Ben says, taking a drink, but he has a smile on his face anyway.

\+ + + + +

Joe and Rami are leading the group again, their arms wrapped around each other, obviously both a little pissed, especially since Joe can’t stop singing.

It’s late, later than Ben was expecting them to be out, and he smiles over at Gwil, who’s watching Rami and Joe with a smile on his face as well.

“I expect one day we’ll be best men at their wedding,” Gwil says, and Ben looks down, laughing.

“We should take a bet on just how far away that day is,” Ben says.

“God, who knows,” Gwil says. “Tomorrow? It wouldn't surprise me with these two."

Rami and Joe are walking a lot faster than they are, clearly eager to get back to their hotel room. But Gwil and Ben are content to walk slowly alongside each other up the road from the pub to where they’re staying. Ben’s head is buzzing a little bit, but he didn’t drink that much. He just feels lighter. Like this holiday really was a good idea, and a bit of a weight has been lifted. Despite being still mostly sober, the toe of Ben's shoe digs into the ground and he stumbles a bit, feeling Gwil’s hand on his arm to grab him.

“Cheers, mate,” Ben says, catching his balance. He expects Gwil to let go of him, but he doesn’t. Instead, Gwil’s hand just slowly slides down until it finds Ben’s, and then their fingers lock together. Ben frowns a bit, but doesn’t let go.

“Ben?” Gwil says softly after a few moments.

“Yeah?” Ben asks, looking over at him, and then Gwil’s lips are on his. Ben stops walking, freezing there on the sidewalk, Gwil’s hand still holding onto his.

Gwil pulls back, as if realizing what he’d done, and then Ben leans forward, kissing him again. He's not sure when or even if he'll get the chance again, and he's not letting Gwil go that easily. Gwil groans softly and then lets go of Ben’s hand so that he can reach up, cupping the side of Ben’s face. They stand there for god knows how long, Ben thinks it could have been ten seconds or an hour, their mouths moving against each other, Ben moaning softly against Gwil when Gwil’s tongue slips against his.

Gwil rests his forehead against Ben’s, then lifts his head to kiss Ben’s forehead. “I’m so sorry,” he says softly. “That was…”

“No,” Ben says softly, shaking his head. “Don't apologize, it was lovely.” He reaches up to push a piece of hair back from his forehead, then looks over at Gwil, smiling at him. He feels sick for a moment until Gwil nervously smiles back at him, and they keep walking.

When they get to the hotel, Joe and Rami are waiting outside the entrance for them. “Finally!” Joe says. “Where’d you go?”

“Just fell,” Ben shrugs. “Sorry.”

“You okay?” Joe asks, worried, but Ben just smiles and nods.

“I’m fine,” he assures him, patting Joe on the shoulder as he walks by him and opens the door.

The four of them make the way to their floor, and Rami stops to give Gwil a hug when they come to his room. 

“Goodnight,” Rami says, and Gwil smiles, pulling back.

“Goodnight,” Gwil says, then turns to look at Joe and finally Ben, giving them a wave.

“Night,” Joe says, turning around, heading towards his and Rami’s room.

“Bye, Gwil,” Ben says softly, waving back. He swallows hard and watches Gwil for a moment before turning away, heading to his own room. He says goodnight to Rami and Joe, and then slips into his room, locking the door before falling heavily against it, just like he had the night before. This time though, he reaches up to brush his fingers over his lips, feeling them tingle. He can’t believe it. Gwil kissed him. Gwil _kissed_ him. Ben swallows hard, shifting against the door, an ache starting in his gut. He sighs, reaching down to play with the hem of his t-shirt, trying to distract himself. 

Ben changes out of his clothes, tugging on something to sleep in, and then goes to brush and floss. He climbs into bed, pulling the blankets up over him, but he feels like his heart is racing as he stares up at the ceiling. He swallows hard, and slowly reaches down. He feels guilty as hell, knowing that Gwil is only a couple rooms away, but as his hand pushes underneath the waistband of his boxer briefs, wrapping around himself, he just gasps loudly and finds that, for the time being, he really just doesn’t care. Gwil _kissed_ him.

\+ + + + +

The bus back to the Swansea train station is full, and the four of them can’t even find a seat together. They just shrug, knowing that they’ll be together on the train, and it’s only a short trip. They all climb out of the bus, and the four of them find each other, looking up at the departure board. Instead of going back the way they came, they’re going north via Manchester. They head to their platform, finding the right car, and then put their bags on the luggage rack, going to their seats. This time, they’re all sitting together in a group of four seats facing each other, a small table between them.

“Anyone gonna get sick?” Joe asks, looking around. “Ben, I feel like you need to be facing forward.”

Ben smiles and nods gratefully, taking the seat against the window. He looks up as Gwil sits down next to him.

“Good?” Joe asks Rami, and Rami nods, as they take the seats facing Ben and Gwil. “I’ve got a deck of cards,” he announces, patting his pocket.

Ben smiles and rolls his eyes. “Of course you do,” he says.

“What?” Joe asks. “I came prepared. Boy Scouts.”

“You weren’t a Boy Scout,” Ben says, but he reaches over, holding his hand out for the deck anyway.

Gwil watches Ben next to him, feeling the warm press of his body against his side as he shifts, starting to shuffle the cards. Ben glances up at him, and Gwil gives him a quick smile. Ben smiles back and then looks back down at the cards. Gwil sighs and shifts in his seat. He drums his fingers on the table, earning a concerned look from Rami, but Gwil just shrugs it off. The truth is, he could barely sleep the night before, feeling guilty for kissing Ben. He still can’t get the idea that he’s betrayed Roger out of his mind. He knows he shouldn’t have done it, but…he really just wanted to. In that moment, as soon as he grabbed onto Ben, he had to. He’d almost kissed him earlier at the beach, and when Ben had taken off his shirt, Gwil had felt his stomach clench. God, Ben was beautiful. Despite his guilt, kissing Ben had also made him happy. And it was an amazing kiss.

“What are we playing?” Rami asks, leaning forward, breaking Gwil from his thoughts.

“Scat?” Joe says, and Ben shrugs, starting to deal out the cards.

“How do you play?” Rami asks.

“Don’t worry, I got you,” Joe says.

“I’ll show you,” Ben says, looking over at Gwil.

Gwil smiles, nodding. “Alright, thank you.”

Ben smiles back, and shifts a bit closer to Gwil as he continues to deal. He leans forward to give Joe and Rami their cards, and Gwil reaches out, resting his hand on Ben’s back. Gwil can see Ben biting back a smile, and he looks over at Rami and Joe to see if they react, but Joe’s too busy trying to explain the rules to Rami for them to notice. Gwil curls his fingers into Ben’s shirt, and starts drawing lazy circles on his back as he waits for Ben to finish. He feels another twinge of guilt, but he tries to push it down and ignore it anyway. Just for now, at least. He tells himself he’s not hurting anyone, though he knows that if he leads Ben on, he’ll be hurting him. But besides feeling that twinge of guilt, he just feels happy being this close to someone again, especially when Ben smiles over at him again as he leans in to start explaining the rules. Gwil can barely focus on what’s Ben saying with all warmth he’s radiating, and how bright his eyes are. And Gwil finds he can’t stop looking at Ben’s mouth, remembering how it felt beneath his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • isn't it funny that when I very first started imagining this story, I thought maybe it would have 10 chapters?  
> • and it's now Chapter 23 and they've only just had their first kiss.  
> • not to toot my own horn, but I feel like I've given you a gift, because I know you've been waiting!  
> • yes, Gwil feels guilty, and that guilt will continue on (but god they are so in love).  
> • and yes, this is the last purely fluffy chapter until about...the last chapter.  
> • (I'm not joking, there's a lot of angst coming)  
> • but I really, really hope you all liked it. the kiss, the four of them together, the dancing, whatever! it's just soft and happy.  
> • Joe and Rami are the best matchmakers.
> 
> also if you've come to this story late, please celebrate with [these photos](https://tanya-is-dead.tumblr.com/post/186280947229/send-help) of Ben and Gwil actually at Wimbledon together so PLEASE picture Ben in that suit, I'm crying (how much more of this story will come true, who knows).


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (please note the rating applies to this chapter)

“I’ll be fine, Rami,” Gwil says. “I promise.”

Rami sighs, folding a couple more shirts to put in his bag. “I just don’t like leaving you for so long,” he says, carefully packing them.

Gwil laughs softly. “I’m an adult, aren’t I? I can take care of myself.”

Rami looks over at him, narrowing his eyes. “Can you? Last time Joe and I left, you stayed in the flat the whole weekend.”

Gwil shrugs. “And I was fine, wasn’t I?”

“Won’t you visit Ben this time?” Rami asks. “You’ve hardly spent any time together, and I thought things were going well again.”

Gwil bites the inside of his lip, unsure of how to answer. Truthfully, he’s been avoiding Ben again, since their kiss. The four of them have slowly eased back into hanging out almost every day, but Gwil’s purposely ensured that the two of them haven’t been alone together since. He feels guilty about it, he knows that he should at least apologize for leading him on, but then he starts to get nervous about the idea of speaking to him at all. “I don’t want to be a bother,” he says finally. “Ben’s busy, you know that. He doesn’t need me bumming around the flat.”

“I’m sure that he wouldn’t mind,” Rami says. He just sighs again. “Well, why don’t you come with us then? I’d really like you to meet my family.”

“I will,” Gwil promises him. “Once you’ve gotten to know them a bit better. Next time.”

Rami frowns. “Fine,” he says, grabbing more clothes. “I worry, is all.”

Gwil smiles. “Oh? I hadn’t noticed.”

“Oh, stop it,” Rami says, giving Gwil a look, making him laugh. “You’re lucky that I care so much.”

“You’re right, I am,” Gwil says, serious. “I always have been. I appreciate it. I just think you’re worried about nothing. You’re only going to be gone a few days. I’ll...I don’t know, read. I’ll go out for walks, for food. I won’t starve. I’ll make sure I sleep.”

“I just hate the idea of you alone,” Rami says softly. “Just promise if you get lonely, you’ll talk to Ben.”

“I will,” Gwil says, but he has no plans to do so. He’s going to stick to himself, just like he did when Rami and Joe went to London a few weeks ago. He’s not sure that being alone with Ben is the best idea for him right now. He still feels guilty about the kiss, even as much as he enjoyed it. It had been so long since he'd touched anyone like that. And Ben is…well, Ben is a lot, Gwil thinks. Everything. Smart, and kind, and beautiful. Ben deserves better than him, and all his baggage about betraying Roger. He shifts on the bed, watching Rami continue to pack. He does wish that Rami was staying, though; he doesn’t want to be alone this week. But other members of Rami’s family are coming into London to meet him, and Gwil doesn’t want to ruin that for him. He wants him to have a good time. He’ll be fine.

“Well,” Rami says, breaking Gwil from his thoughts. He’s finally finished packing. “Joe will be here soon.”

Gwil smiles up at him. “You’re going to have a brilliant time,” he says.

Rami smiles back. “I hope so. Meeting just three of them was almost too much. I hope the others like me too.”

“I’m sure they will,” Gwil says, reaching over to squeeze Rami’s hand. “There’s no reason to be nervous anymore. You know how much Nelly loves you already.”

“Right,” Rami agrees quietly. He moves his bag out of the way and sits down on the bed next to Gwil. “I’m just tired of telling people the same thing. I wish they didn’t have to ask me questions about what it’s like.”

“Get Joe to tell them to shut up,” Gwil says, smiling. “They’ll think he’s just a rude American, no problem.”

Rami chuckles. “He would,” he says.

“Yeah, course he would,” Gwil says. “I think he’d do just about anything for you.”

Rami smiles, looking away for a moment. “Gwil?” he says softly.

“Mm?”

Rami gently clears his throat. “Did Ben or Joe ever tell you that men can get married now? Or, did you know?” he asks. Gwil nods. “Well, the last time we were visiting, Nelly made a joke about it. And…”

Gwil watches Rami for a moment, and then breaks into a smile. “Are you going to marry Joe?” he asks. He thinks back on his and Ben’s conversation, about being their best men. God, Rami is so in love with Joe.

“No!” Rami says quickly. “No, nothing like that. But...I could. If he wanted. Isn’t that something? Everything really is so different now."

Gwil nods. “What if _you_ wanted?” he asks. Rami looks over at him. “Do you want to?”

“Don’t be silly,” Rami says. “I’ve only known him for three months.”

“And you love him,” Gwil points him. “Don’t you?”

Rami nods. “I do, but...it’s foolish to even think about. It’s not as if Joe’s ever said anything about it anyway. I’m just...being odd. I’ve just been thinking about it lately. I never dreamed I could get married. To another man, anyway. You could too.”

Gwil snorts. “Who am I going to marry?” he asks. He lifts up his hand, showing Rami his pinky ring. “I think I’ve missed my chance, mate.”

Rami glances at the ring and then shakes his head. “No, I don’t think you have,” he says.

Gwil frowns, wanting to tell Rami that he’s wrong, but then Rami gets a text. He reads it, and then stands up, grabbing his bag.

“Joe’s here,” Rami says.

“Alright,” Gwil says, pushing himself up. They walk to the door of the flat, Rami pulling on his shoes and jacket, and then Gwil tugs him into a hug. “Have fun,” he says quietly.

Rami smiles and nods, pulling back. “I will. You too,” he says, opening the door.

“Of course,” Gwil says, giving Rami a casual salute, making Rami roll his eyes. Rami waves and then slips out into the hallway. Gwil pushes the door closed behind him and leans against it, thinking _not a chance._

\+ + + + +

Gwil wakes up as the sunlight streams in through the window. He’d stayed up later than usual the night before, and obviously he’d forgotten to close his curtains as he dragged his tired body to bed. He has to admit, as he stares at his clock, that part of him was wishing he just wouldn’t wake up today at all. He sighs heavily, rubbing at his eyes as he pushes himself onto his back, blinking up at the ceiling. “Fuck,” he mutters, scratching at his beard.

Gwil sighs. He could spend all day in bed, he thinks. He’d love it. Just pull the blankets over his head and block out the world until tomorrow. But he groans and pushes himself up, shoving his blankets off him. He has a bit of a headache, but it’s nothing he can’t handle, and he’s sure a coffee will help. He grabs a shirt and pulls it on as he walks out into the kitchen. It’s odd how much quieter the flat is when Rami’s not around, even though he doesn’t consider Rami to be a very loud person. 

He makes his coffee and then pushes himself up into one of the chairs at the counter. He opens his laptop, which he’d left there before bed the night before, after he’d decided re-reading his mother’s letters until he cried was a good idea. Now he just opens it to the BBC, quickly taking in some of the headlines as he sips his drink. Sports, the royal family, a travel piece about the most dangerous lake in the world. Gwil sighs. He can’t stop thinking about Ben. But the problem is, he also can’t stop thinking about Roger. And what he’s done by kissing Ben. He shakes his head, contemplating calling Rami just to hear him, but he knows that Rami would come back right away because there’s no way Gwil would be able to keep the sadness out of his voice.

Rami still doesn’t know about the kiss; or at least, Gwil didn’t tell him. If Ben told Joe, then he’s sure Joe told Rami. But Rami hasn’t mentioned it to him, and Gwil thinks he would. He’s not sure why he hasn’t told Rami yet. He wants to tell him everything, they’ve always been those sorts of mates, but…then he’d have to explain it. How he felt afterward. Why he did it. How he feels about Ben. Rami would want to talk it all out, and honestly, Gwil doesn’t know what he’d say. He’s not sure how to sort out his feelings for Ben yet.

Gwil opens a new tab and searches Noël Coward, one of Roger’s favourites. He finds a video that’s just over an hour of his music, and hits play. As soon as it starts, he can’t help but smile. He drinks the rest of his coffee as it goes, and then he props his elbows up on the counter, resting his head in his hands, and just closes his eyes, letting the rest of the video play as he does nothing but listen.

When it finishes, it’s like Gwil’s waking up from a daze. He almost expects to open his eyes and be back in his flat, his old flat, with Roger. He frowns when he realizes he’s not. It stings more than a little. He looks at the date on his computer, and sighs. It’s going to be a long day. He picks up his mug and washes it by hand, leaving it to dry on the small rack by the sink. He doesn’t know what to do next. He just feels empty. His head feels like it’s been stuffed with cotton.

Gwil looks around the flat, drumming his fingers on the counter. He pulls off his shirt, and heads into the bathroom. He can at least shower while he tries to decide if he’s going to go through the day feeling sad and guilty, desperate for a drink, or if he’s actually going to _do_ something.

\+ + + + +

What he ends up doing when he gets out of the shower is getting dressed and grabbing his wallet, heading out into the city. He thought he quite liked the idea of settling in somewhere to read a book, but he remembered that he’d just finished his book on the Black Death. Not a particularly upbeat topic, but he found the biological aspects of it most interesting, especially given how much science had developed in the last hundred years. Rami had made a bit of a face when he saw Gwil reading it, but Gwil had enjoyed it.

He heads into the bookshop nearest to their flat, and goes to the classics section. He doesn’t know the author’s name; he knows that he could look it up, or ask the people working there, but he prefers to just run his fingers over the spines of the book, feeling each ridge and bump of the spines, the embossed letters. He makes it about halfway through the section before his eye catches on it. _How Green Was My Valley_. Recommended to him by Joe. Well, the film was at least, and Gwil imagines that the book must be better. He takes it up to pay, and then walks out of the store, looking around. He thought that he would just go back to his flat, curl up on the sofa and read it until he finished or until he decided to go back to his plan of being sad and drinking the day away, but now that he’s out and about, he’s feeling a bit peckish. 

Gwil rubs his stomach a bit, and looks around. There are all sorts of restaurants around, a fair deal of them he’s tried with Rami, or with Ben and Joe as well. He still hasn’t made it to that fish and chips place that he’d planned on taking Ben to that day a few weeks back, though. He heads off a bit in that direction, and then stops, his steps wavering.

He wants to keep walking. He wills himself to keep going, but…all of a sudden all he can think of is Ben. And he really doesn’t want to. Especially not today. He can’t take the guilt, not just of kissing him, but then of ignoring him after. Ben probably wants nothing to do with him at this point anyway.

Gwil just shakes his head and turns back. He thinks he’d rather go back to his flat hungry than ask Ben to go with him, but that doesn’t feel right either. Gwil groans softly and looks around. There’s a small bench outside the bookshop, so he goes back to that, dropping down heavily. He reaches into his pocket, taking out his phone, and stares down at it. He sighs, and just rolls his eyes. He’s about to shove it back in his pocket and then he groans and finally just unlocks it, calling Ben before he can think to stop himself.

Part of Gwil wonders if Ben will even answer. They haven’t had a falling out, but it’s not like they’ve been on very friendly terms lately either. It’s just been tense, since they got back from their holiday. Gwil regrets it, really. He didn’t mean to make things awkward between them. Maybe Ben will pick up, and they can go to lunch, and start over. 

Or maybe Ben will just let it ring, and Gwil will know where they stand with each other. He wouldn’t blame him one bit.

“Hello?” Ben answers, sounding surprised.

“Hi,” Gwil says. He’s a bit surprised himself. “How are you?” he asks.

“I’m alright, I suppose,” Ben replies. “How are you?”

“Fine,” Gwil says, shifting on the bench. “Um, hungry, actually. I was wondering you were free. It’s alright, if you’re not, I just—”

“No, I’d like that,” Ben says. “Are you at your flat?”

Gwil smiles. “No, I’m uh, actually at the bookshop? Nearby.”

Ben chuckles softly. “Alright well, wait there, and I’ll be there in a few, yeah?”

“Alright,” Gwil says, nodding. “I’ll be here. See you soon.”

“Bye.”

Gwil hangs up and slides his phone back into his pocket, reaching up to shade his eyes as he settles against the bench, waiting for Ben to come.

After a short while, Gwil looks over, seeing Ben jog across the street towards him. He looks a bit nervous, Gwil thinks, or just a little unsure, but Gwil quickly stands up, giving him what he hopes looks like a friendly smile. “Hi,” he says.

“Hey,” Ben replies, coming to a stop in front of Gwil, reaching up to push his sunglasses up onto his head. “You alright?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “Just…wanted to get out of the flat. It's a lovely day."

“What’d you buy?” Ben asks, gesturing towards Gwil’s small bag. 

Gwil takes the book out, holding it up so that Ben can see the title.

Ben smiles. “You know, if I recall correctly, there’s a Gwilym in that,” he says.

Gwil smiles back, slipping the book back into the bag. “So I’ve heard.”

“So where do you want to go?” Ben asks.

“I was thinking fish and chips,” Gwil replies and Ben grins.

“Really?” he asks. “Or is this another trick to get me to cook for you again?”

Gwil shakes his head, and they start off in the direction of the fish and chips shop. “No, no, not a trick,” he says. “I really was just thinking about how I still haven’t eaten there yet.” He glances over at Ben. “Have you heard from Joe?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “A bit, yeah, he texted this morning. They’re getting settled in for a big day of food and family, by the sounds of it.”

“Yes,” Gwil says. “Rami’s nervous.”

“I don’t know why,” Ben says. “It’s impossible not to love him.”

Gwil grins. “I know, but try telling him that.”

They fall into a comfortable silence as Gwil leads them through the streets, finally finding their way to the shop. They walk in, hit with the cool chill of the air conditioning, and sit down at a creaky booth. Ben bounces up and down a couple times, listening to the squeak, grinning at Gwil. “Fun,” he says.

“Oh my god, you're as bad as Joe,” Gwil says, and Ben laughs.

“Alright, fine,” he says, settling back into the booth, picking up the menu. “I’ll sit and be boring.”

Gwil reaches out and takes the menu from Ben, smirking at the shocked look on his face. “It’s fish and chips, mate, what do you need a menu for?”

Ben sighs, raising his hands in surrender. “Fine,” he says.

Their server approaches them, and they quickly order their food and drinks. Ben picks up the corner of his napkin, starting to pick at it. He looks up suddenly, making Gwil wonder what’s happened, until Ben just sheepishly reaches up and takes his sunglasses off his head, setting them down on the table.

“I was surprised that you rang,” Ben says after awhile, looking over at Gwil.

Gwil nods. “I…was surprised you answered,” he admits, and Ben smiles. 

“I wouldn't just ignore you,” Ben says. That stings, because Gwil knows he’s been ignoring Ben, but he doesn’t think Ben means it as an insult. “Especially not when I know Rami’s out of town. I just…don’t know. We haven’t really hung out in awhile. Just the two of us.”

 _Since we kissed_. “I know,” Gwil says, shifting in his seat, “that’s my fault.”

“No,” Ben says, shaking his head. “Not anyone’s fault. It’d be mine, anyway, not yours.”

Gwil can’t possibly imagine how Ben would think it would be his fault. Gwil’s the one who kissed him. Gwil’s the one who then ignored him. Ben did nothing wrong at all. “Ben,” Gwil says, and Ben just looks at him.

“It’s alright,” Ben says. He looks down, picking at his napkin again. “I get it.”

Gwil can see that Ben doesn’t want to talk about it, can see the red flush of embarrassment on his cheeks. The determination with which he’s staring at his napkin. Gwil reaches out, stilling Ben’s hand. Ben quickly looks back up, and Gwil just sighs. “It’s alright,” Gwil says, slowly withdrawing his hand. “I…well.” He sighs shakes his head. “I was wrong to ignore you,” he says finally. “And I’m sorry.”

Ben’s eyes widen a bit as he realizes that Gwil was actually ignoring him, it wasn’t just something that he was imagining, and he curls his hands into fists, drumming his knuckles a couple times on the table. He doesn’t say anything though, and they just sit there in silence until their food comes.

It’s delicious, and after awhile of eating quietly, they slowly start to speak again. Gwil hands his book over to Ben, letting him flip through it. Gwil asks Ben if he’s heard from any of the other crew members, and Ben shrugs, chewing a bit more before swallowing hard.

“A few, yeah,” he says. “Some of them seem to be doing alright. Their volunteers have mostly moved back to London, actually.”

“Oh,” Gwil says, a bit dumbfounded. “So, it’s over then. The program.”

Ben shakes his head quickly. “No, course not,” he says. “I wouldn’t let them do that. It’s at our own pace, you’re still my top priority,” he says, and then Gwil can see him shift a bit uncomfortably as if he just realized what he said. “But I mean, you have to admit, you don’t need me as much as before either.”

Gwil frowns, thinking on that. Gwil’s not sure that he ever really let himself need Ben. Or rarely did, anyway. He spent so much time pushing him away, instead of letting him in. He regrets it now, thinking about the time they could have spent together before Gwil finally let him into his room that night, when Ben shouted at him. It all could have gone so much more smoothly, like Rami and Joe. “I hope I didn’t take you away from your work,” he says, and Ben smiles, shrugging.

“No, I was watching a film,” he says, and Gwil smiles back.

“Really?” Gwil asks. “What?”

Ben shrugs. “Some German thing that was on TV,” he says. “Long. Not very good, but distracting.” 

“What a lovely way to spend a Tuesday,” Gwil says.

“There are worse things,” Ben says. He smiles over at Gwil. “There are better things too.” He swallows hard and looks away, picking up his fork, going back to his food. “This isn’t too bad.”

Gwil watches him for a moment before he smiles over at him. “No, it’s not,” he agrees, before digging into his food again.

\+ + + + +

They step back out into the sunlight, Ben quickly pulling his sunglasses on as he looks over at Gwil. “What’re your plans for the rest of the day?” he asks.

Gwil has to think on that. His plans? Probably some crying, if he was going to be honest with himself about it. He’s already done so much more today than he’d planned, including just leaving the flat. He thinks about going back, but now that he’s out… “I don’t know, really,” he says. “You?”

Ben shrugs. “Not a thing,” he says.

“You’re not going to finish your German film?” Gwil asks.

Ben groans. “God no. It was over three hours.”

“Alright if I come over then?” Gwil asks. “I don’t particularly want to be alone today.”

Ben looks up at Gwil in surprise, and then nods a few times. “Ye— yeah, of course. Yeah. I’d like that.”

Gwil smiles. “Alright, good.”

They walk back to Ben’s flat, Gwil swinging his shopping bag between them as he goes. He admits, he does feel a bit guilty, a twist in his stomach that he’s spending the day with someone other than Roger, but he just pushes it down. He’s not doing anything wrong, he thinks. Ben’s his friend.

Ben lets them into the flat, he kicks off his shoes and drops his sunglasses onto the counter, and goes over to the refrigerator. “Drink?” he asks.

Gwil lets out a deep breath. “Whatever you’re having,” he says, and he realizes that his voice comes out sounding a bit flat. He can’t hide the flash of guilt he feels.

Ben frowns over at him. “You alright?” he asks.

Gwil nods quickly. “Yeah, fine.”

“Hmm,” Ben says. He reaches into the fridge and pulls out a couple bottles of beer, handing one over to Gwil. “Is it Rami?” he asks.

“Is what Rami?” Gwil asks, taking a drink. 

Ben shrugs. “You miss him, yeah?”

“Yeah, of course,” Gwil says, lying easily. “He’ll be back in a few days, though.”

Ben walks over to the sofa and Gwil follows, carefully sitting down beside him. Ben grabs the remote and turns the television on, but then hands it over to Gwil. “Whatever you want,” he says, taking a long drink.

Gwil watches Ben, biting down on his lip. _Whatever?_ he thinks. That’s a dangerous thought. He takes a quick drink to get his mind off it, and starts scrolling through the channels. He stops on an old black-and-white film, and Ben shrugs his agreement.

“Oh, hang on a second,” Ben says suddenly, pushing himself up and going over to his bookshelf.

Gwil looks over, watching Ben with interest.

Ben turns around, handing a book out to Gwil. “I uh, I got this for you,” he says. “I just kept forgetting to give it to you, sorry.”

“For me?” Gwil asks. He tries not to think that Ben didn’t forget to give it to him; he was probably just waiting until they were alone again to do it. He turns the book over, reading the back. 

_Six days ago, astronaut Mark Watney became one of the first people to walk on Mars. Now, he’s sure he’ll be the first person to die there. After a dust storm nearly kills him and forces his crew to evacuate while thinking him dead, Mark finds himself stranded and completely alone with no way to even signal Earth that he’s alive—and even if he could get word out, his supplies would be gone long before a rescue could arrive._

Gwil looks up at Ben, who looks a bit sheepish. “What’s this?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “It’s uh, it’s a book. From when I was a kid. The main character, he’s a botanist.”

Gwil’s ears prick up a bit at that.

“I don’t know, it’s silly,” Ben says. “I just— I popped into the shop awhile ago and saw it, and I thought, I don’t know, that you’d like it. And that you’d— I don’t know, relate, I guess. Understand the science, at least.”

“I love it,” Gwil says. “Thank you.”

Ben nods once. “You’re welcome,” he says. “Here, I’ll put it with your other one.” He takes the book back from Gwil and then walks into the kitchen, where Gwil’s sat his bag from the bookshop, and slides it alongside _How Green Was My Valley_. He walks back into the living room, and sits down, looking at Gwil with a smile on his face.

They both finish their beers, and Ben pushes himself up again, going to the refrigerator to get two more, handing one to Gwil. Ben smiles over at him as he settles back next to him on the sofa, taking a drink.

“Everything alright?” Gwil asks.

Ben looks over at him, surprised. “Yeah, course. Why?”

Gwil shrugs. “Didn’t think you were much of a drinker,” he says. He’s worried that this is how the day will go: they’ll drink too much, and Gwil will get too emotional, unable to hide his feelings for Ben or Roger, and it will just end in embarrassment or tears. Or both. 

Ben snorts. “ _Two_ beers? I think I’ll be alright. Besides. It’s summer, my flatmate’s out, my mate’s over. We should be drinking, why not?”

Gwil smiles. “Alright. Good.”

“Yeah?” Ben asks.

Gwil nods, taking a long drink. “Sure,” he says, wiping at his upper lip. “I’d uh, thought about having a few drinks today myself. But it’s not as fun alone.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Ben says. “But, are _you_ alright?” he asks. Gwil just looks at him. “Why were you planning on drinking alone?”

Gwil swallows hard. He thinks that he could come clean now, admit everything to Ben, everything he felt since they kissed. The guilt. But then, he doesn’t want Ben to feel like that’s the only reason Gwil’s with him today. He wants Ben to think he’s here because he wants to be. Which he does, Gwil thinks. He really does. Gwil just shrugs. “Don’t know, really. Why not?”

Ben watches him for a moment, but then just shrugs as well. “Alright. To not drinking alone, then,” he says, lifting the bottle up to Gwil’s. “Is Rami going to get mad when he finds out I’m getting you pissed?” he asks teasingly. 

Gwil shakes his head. “I don’t think he’ll mind,” he says. “But…what he doesn’t know, and all that.”

Ben grins, taking a drink. “Alright. Our little secret.” He winks at Gwil and turns back to the television, leaving Gwil feeling a little like he's been punched in the gut. God, Ben is gorgeous, really. And he can’t think about anything now other than Ben’s mouth. He takes another drink, finishing off the bottle almost immediately.

Ben looks over, watching him for a moment, but Gwil just smiles, hopes it looks natural, and settles in a bit closer to him. “When’s the last time you got really pissed?” Ben asks, and Gwil shakes his head.

“Over a year,” Gwil says. “We weren’t allowed alcohol on the Mercury.”

“Oh my god,” Ben says, looking at him in shock. “Are you joking?”

“That would all be very improper,” Gwil says, adopting a stiffer accent, straightening up a bit, and Ben laughs. 

“What else was improper?” Ben asks, turning towards him a bit.

“What do you mean?” Gwil asks.

“I mean,” Ben says, waving his hand between them, “twenty men and women off in space together for a year. Somebody was shagging. I know it wasn’t you and I know it wasn’t Rami, but come on.”

Gwil chuckles. “Uh, yeah, there was some,” he says. “People got lonely.”

Ben grins. “Of course they did. You know, I’m surprised that they let women go with you, and that it wasn’t an all-male crew.” He frowns. “Although, you and I both know that wouldn’t have mattered. God, there probably would’ve been even _more_ shagging then.”

Gwil’s thoughts catch on that. Ben doesn’t really ever talk about his sexuality. Obviously, Gwil knows that Ben is gay, or, at the least, attracted to men. But he’s never talked about any exes or former relationships. All he really knows is that he and Joe were not a thing. Which sometimes Gwil still finds a little hard to believe, given how close they seem, but he also knows how close he and Rami are, and they’ve certainly never been together. He just can’t really imagine Ben shagging anyone. Besides…well. Maybe. “What about you?” he asks, before he can think to stop himself.

Ben’s eyes narrow a bit. “What about me?” he asks. 

Gwil notices how Ben immediately takes a drink, a longer one than usual. “What about you?” he asks again, shrugging. He takes a drink. “You’ve never said, really.”

“What, about who I’ve been shagging?” Ben asks.

Gwil shrugs. “Well, I wasn’t going to ask it like _that_ , but— but yes, that is the question, essentially.”

Ben snorts. “The answer is no one, obviously,” he says. “Who would I be shagging in Perth?”

“Not now,” Gwil says, scoffing a bit. “I just mean, were you dating anyone in London?”

“You know I wasn’t,” Ben says. “I told you Joe’s always asking why I don’t date.”

“So why don’t you?” Gwil asks.

“Like I told you in London, it doesn’t work.”

“Why not?” Gwil asks, pressing further.

Ben shrugs. “Because…” He takes a drink and trails off. Gwil waits for him to respond, but it seems like Ben is content to just give up the subject. He takes another drink, swallowing hard. “There was someone. Once. But it just didn’t…” Ben frowns, reaching up to scratch at his face. “He didn’t…” Ben shakes his head. 

Gwil watches Ben sadly. He wants to know more, is desperate to know who this bloke was, find out what he did to Ben to make him like this, but he doesn’t think Ben is in the mood to share it with him. He already sounds so hesitant, and Gwil’s already pushed him far enough.

“Since then, I’d never met anyone I fancied spending time with more than I liked being alone.” Ben looks over at Gwil. “You think that’s pathetic.”

“No,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “It can be hard to be in a relationship sometimes. Opening your life to someone else like that. Living with someone. Sharing a bed. Sometimes you go days without ever being alone with yourself.”

“I just always figured that it would be hard, and then I’d meet the one, and it’d be easy,” Ben says.

“What do you think now?” Gwil asks.

Ben swallows hard, looking over at Gwil. “I think I was wrong,” he says, pushing himself off the sofa, heading out onto the balcony. 

Gwil waits for a moment, taking a deep breath. He realizes that Ben had said _had_ , that he _had_ never met anyone he fancied more than he liked being alone. But the way he phrased it, it sounds like that has changed. And Gwil’s knows that Ben means him. Gwil pushes himself up, walking out onto the balcony where Ben has a cigarette in his mouth, but he hasn’t lit it yet. 

Gwil just watches him for a moment, leaning against the railing. “What were you wrong about?” he asks finally, looking over at Ben.

Ben scoffs, reaching up to pluck the cigarette from his mouth. “It didn’t get easy,” he says quietly. “It just got harder.” He looks over at Gwil, and Gwil knows exactly what he means. What he’s saying.

Gwil swallows hard, eyes flicking away from Ben’s. Ben moves to walk by Gwil back into the living room, stopping when Gwil reaches out to grab onto his arm.

Ben looks up at him, swallowing hard, his tongue nervously flicks out to wet his lips. Gwil’s eyes flick down to Ben’s open mouth, the spit still shining on his bottom lip. “I’m sorry,” he says.

“For what?” Gwil asks. He can’t possibly imagine why Ben thinks he has to apologize for anything he’s done.

Ben just shakes his head. “This,” he murmurs, waving his hand between them. “I’m sorry, I—” He moves to step away from Gwil, but Gwil just keeps his hand tightly on his arm. “Gwil,” he says softly. “Just let me go.” he says.

Gwil bites down on the inside of his lip, debating Ben’s words. There’s something so beautiful about the way Ben looks right now, his eyes wide and a little dark. His skin is warm under Gwil’s grip, his cheeks a bit flushed, either from the alcohol or the heat. Gwil knows he’d could so easily pull him in further, and Ben would let him. Instead, Gwil just swallows hard, and lets go of him.

Ben stumbles back a bit, and then makes his way back into the flat. Gwil watches him, and there’s a pit twisting and growing in his stomach. This isn’t what he intended when he came over today. This is why he’s been avoiding Ben, this exact reason. This thing between them, it’s too much. It’s all too much. He wants to make Ben happy, but he’s not sure that he can. He feels so guilty all the time, and clearly his being here upsets Ben. But Gwil ignoring him upset Ben as well. Gwil wonders if Ben wants him back in the flat, or if he wants him to leave. He walks back in, and looks over at Ben, who’s sitting on the sofa, watching TV again. He looks a bit surprised when Gwil sits back down next to him, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Ben,” Gwil says softly, and Ben looks over at him. “I’m sorry,” he says. Ben frowns. “I’m sure you’re angry with me.”

“No, I’m not,” Ben says, shaking his head.

“Come on,” Gwil says. “I— I kissed you. And then I didn’t talk to you; you must think I’m a horrible person.”

Ben just shrugs. “I’m used to it,” he says softly, looking away.

Gwil’s heart clenches, and once again, he’s desperate to know what Ben means by that, but he can’t bring himself to ask. He doesn’t think he’ll like the answer. “I— I— I really enjoyed it,” he says. “I just…it’s— hard. I’m sorry that that doesn’t make any sense.”

“It’s fine,” Ben says. “I kissed you too. And I get it. I mean, I don’t totally understand what you’re going through, I never will, but I know this isn’t easy for you. Us. We can’t be like Rami and Joe.”

“I wish we could,” Gwil says softly, reaching out Ben. “I wish it were easier.”

Ben shakes his head. “Please, don’t,” he says softly. “I…I’m alright. I enjoyed it too.” He looks over at Gwil. “I’d been wanting to kiss you for awhile, I just…I thought you didn’t feel that way about me.”

“Of course I do,” Gwil says. “Ben, you’re brilliant. How anyone couldn’t fancy you, I don’t know.”

Ben just bites down on his lip, but doesn’t say anything.

Gwil sighs, and the credits of the film start to roll. He has no idea how it ended. Gwil looks over at Ben, who’s got his elbow up on the arm of the sofa, head in his hand. “I should go,” he says, pushing himself up. He doesn’t really want to, but he doesn’t think Ben is very interested in having him stay.

Ben just nods. “Fine,” he says.

Gwil frowns, but he walks into the kitchen anyway. Ben doesn’t follow him. Gwil pats his pockets a couple times to make sure that he’s got his wallet and his keys, and he reaches down, about to grab his shoes, when he hears Ben’s footsteps behind him. Gwil turns and looks at him. Ben just gives him a weak smile, but Gwil can tell Ben doesn’t mean it.

“Don’t be a stranger,” Ben says, leaning against the counter. “I miss you, you know. We can just be mates, Gwil. That’s alright.”

Gwil swallows hard. It may be alright, but he’s honestly not sure if it’s true or not. He can’t be just mates with Ben anymore. He thinks back to when Joe told Gwil about Ben studying botany, just so they could have something to talk about. That’s when he knew. Or, that’s when he thought he knew. Then he thinks about on their trip to London together, just the two of them. Everything Ben did for him. How long he’s felt this way about him. “Ben,” Gwil starts. He swallows hard. “I need to tell you something,” he says.

Ben just shakes his head. “I don’t want to hear it,” he says. “Just— I know, alright. You don’t need to say it.”

“I do,” Gwil says, and he reaches out to Ben, but Ben just jerks away. “Stop,” he says, cupping Ben’s cheek in his hand, turning him towards him. He shifts a bit closer to him, and Ben presses himself back against the counter, looking up at him. “Ben,” he says softly. Gwil watches Ben for a moment longer, and then without thinking, his mouth is on Ben’s, and his hands are clutching at Ben’s face, pulling him in as Gwil’s tongue slips into Ben’s mouth.

Ben groans loudly and he reaches up, pushing his fingers through Gwil’s hair, pulling him closer, holding him there. 

Gwil moves his hands to Ben’s waist, starting to tug him towards him. But Ben reaches back, fumbling at the edge of the counter, and then he pushes himself up, with Gwil’s help, settling on the counter and pulling Gwil in so that he can stand between Ben’s open legs. They’re almost at the perfect height for each other now.

Gwil keeps his hands on Ben’s waist, fumbling a bit as they slide up under Ben’s shirt. Ben gasps against Gwil’s mouth, and Gwil pulls back, dropping his mouth to Ben’s neck. His hands slide to Ben’s lower back, tugging him closer to him, as close as they can be. Gwil’s trying to keep Roger out of his mind, he knows that’s not fair to Ben right now, but it’s difficult. _Is this cheating?_ he thinks. He closes his eyes against the thought, and just keeps moving his mouth over Ben’s skin. The problem is, he can’t reach enough of it, and he pulls back far enough to grab at Ben’s shirt and start tugging it up. “Is this alright?” he asks, pausing.

“Uh,” Ben looks down, looking a bit nervous, but then he just nods, lifting his arms so that Gwil can tug off his shirt, dropping it to the floor. He leans forward to kiss Gwil again, whimpering softly against his mouth as he feels Gwil’s hands running up Ben’s chest, the ridges of his muscles, and Gwil moans into his mouth. 

“God, look at you,” Gwil says, pulling back to duck his head down, turning to press his mouth to the black art inked on Ben’s arm. “The things I wanted to do to you that day at the beach.” He moves, kissing across Ben’s collarbone, then down Ben’s chest.

Ben lets out of a soft cry, pushing his hands through Gwil’s hair, holding him to his chest. He’s hard in his shorts, he can feel it. He wants Gwil so desperately. He tugs Gwil back up so that he can kiss him again. His knees dig into Gwil’s sides, holding him between his legs as he starts tugging at Gwil’s shirt as well. They break apart just so Gwil’s shirt can come off, and Ben slides his hands over Gwil’s back, feeling the shifting of muscle beneath his skin as they move against each other. 

Gwil’s hands are back on Ben, but this time they’re moving up his legs, sliding under the hem of his shorts, long fingers scratching at Ben’s inner thighs, making him gasp against his mouth, and then they’re moving over his shorts, up his thighs, pressing down on Ben’s cock.

Ben cries out loudly, clutching at Gwil as he shakes in surprise and pleasure. “Oh, god,” he moans, head falling back a bit. “Gwil,” he whimpers, biting down at his lip.

Gwil moves his mouth up Ben’s neck, over his chin, before coming back to Ben’s mouth. He slips his tongue inside and starts massaging Ben’s cock with the rhythm of their kissing and Ben can only hold onto him, eyes squeezed shut, making soft noises that only serve to turn Gwil on even more.

“Gwil,” Ben whines, pulling back from Gwil. “ _Please_ ,” he says, panting softly. 

“Please what?” Gwil asks, lifting his head.

“Please,” Ben says again. “Let's go to my room.” As soon as he says it though, he looks nervous.

“Yeah?” Gwil asks. “You want me to touch you?” he asks. Ben whimpers and nods. “Tell me what you want me to do to you.”

Ben reaches between them to squeeze at the hand Gwil has on his cock. “Want you to fuck me,” he says, looking away, flushing a bit with embarrassment.

“You gonna be good for me?” Gwil asks.

Ben swallows hard at that, not sure of how to respond. He could nod along eagerly, because yes, of course he’ll do whatever Gwil wants, or smirk and play hard to get. He’s not sure which one Gwil is in the mood for, so instead he just kisses him again as he starts to rock against him. He can feel Gwil hard against him through their clothes, and Ben groans at the idea of Gwil going to be inside him soon enough. _Finally_ , he thinks.

Gwil grips at Ben’s waist again, holding onto him as he starts to pull Ben towards the edge of the counter. Ben carefully climbs down from the counter, pulling Gwil back down into a kiss. They keep their mouths together as best they can as they start walking towards Ben’s room. 

Ben fumbles for the light switch and then pushes Gwil away from him. “I’ll be right back,” he says, wiping at his mouth. Ben turns and disappears into Joe’s bedroom.

Gwil immediately reaches down, undoing his shorts. He pushes them down along with his underwear and steps out of them, tugging off his socks. He looks briefly around Ben’s room and then glances over when he sees Ben reappear out of the corner of his eye, holding something in his hand.

Ben pushes his shorts down, kicking them off. “Don’t tell Joe I took these.” He hooks his thumbs under the waistband of his boxer briefs and then pushes them down. He walks over to Gwil, pulling him back into a kiss, guiding him towards his bed. “I— don’t have any of my own.” Ben looks away awkwardly, so Gwil sits down on the edge of the mattress, and then reaches out, pulling Ben onto his lap so Ben’s straddling him. Ben drops the condoms onto the bed and then reaches out to his nightstand, roughly tugging open the drawer so that he can grab his lube. 

Gwil looks down at in surprise. “But you have that?” he asks.

Ben flushes a bit. “Don’t need someone else for this,” he says, shoving the bottle into Gwil’s hands. “It’s just…been awhile.” He swallows hard, meeting Gwil’s eyes. “Is that alright?” he asks nervously.

“Of course,” Gwil assures him. He drops the lube down to the bed as well and then grips onto Ben’s hips, guiding him, getting him to rock against him as they start to kiss again. Gwil’s hard, aching, and he’s desperate to touch himself, to touch Ben, to fuck him, but he also just wants to keep kissing him forever. He slides his hand over Ben and grasps his dick, starting to stroke him.

Ben pulls back, looking between them as if he can’t believe it, and just squeezes his eyes shut, gasping. He rocks against Gwil, clutching at his arms, whimpering with every stroke.

“You’re so beautiful,” Gwil murmurs against Ben’s mouth, kissing him again. “Do people tell you that?” he asks. “I’ve wanted to tell you that every day.”

“Please, I—” Ben swallows hard, and Gwil ducks his head to press a kiss to his Adam’s apple. “Don’t say that,” he says, and Gwil frowns.

“Why not?” Gwil asks, looking up at him, reaching up to swipe his thumb over Ben’s cheekbone.

Ben just shakes his head. “Just…don’t,” he says. “That’s all. Please?”

Gwil doesn’t want to agree, he wants to tell Ben he’s the most gorgeous thing he’s ever seen, but he can tell it makes Ben feel strangely uncomfortable. “Of course,” he says. “I won’t. What can I say?” he asks.

“Anything,” Ben says, “just not…I’m sorry, it’s odd, I know, I just—”

Gwil kisses him again and Ben relaxes against him, looping his arms around Gwil’s shoulders, holding him close. “Tell me if I say something wrong,” Gwil murmurs, and Ben nods. “Now, do you want me to fuck you?” he asks. “Or should I keep doing this?” He squeezes Ben’s cock for emphasis, watching Ben’s reaction.

“I want you to fuck me,” Ben says, nodding eagerly. He reluctantly pulls away, climbing off Gwil’s lap onto the mattress, getting onto his knees and elbows, glancing over at Gwil, spreading his legs a bit. He’s blushing from his face down to his chest.

Gwil pushes himself up onto the mattress, moving behind Ben. He runs his hands over Ben’s thighs and his ass, squeezing and kneading at the skin as he goes.

Ben glances back at him. “Is it alright like this?” he asks.

“Of course,” Gwil says softly. He curls over Ben’s back, moving his mouth over his shoulders, down his spine. He reaches over to grab the lube, opening it. He squeezes it, drizzling some of it directly onto Ben, and he watches as Ben shivers a bit at that. Gwil runs his fingers through the mess he’s made, coating them as best he can, before he quickly pushes a finger inside him.

Ben groans a bit, jerking forward, away from Gwil, but then Gwil reaches out, holding onto Ben’s shoulder, holding him in place so that he can work his finger in and out. Ben bites down on his noises, until Gwil withdraws his finger to get more lube, and Ben keens quietly, pressing his hips back, trying to find Gwil again.

Gwil smears more lube over his fingers and shifts behind Ben, pushing two inside him.

“Oh, god,” Ben groans, head falling forward as he clenches around Gwil. He gasps loudly. “Oh god, yes, Gwil, yes, harder.” He whimpers, clutching at the bedsheets, rocking his hips back against Gwil.

Gwil starts thrusting his fingers in and out, curling them. He’s going faster and rougher than usual, he knows it, knows he should stop, but his dick is so hard, he doesn’t know how long he can wait before he pushes into him. Besides, Ben’s rocking back, fucking himself on Gwil’s hand. He seems to be enjoying it, anyway. _Jesus_ , Ben is loud, Gwil thinks. Then he says it.

Ben immediately freezes, and drops his head down. “Is that okay?” he asks softly.

Gwil curls over Ben’s back again, his mouth by Ben’s ear, and he nods, kissing his neck. “Be as loud as you want,” he says, “I like it. Okay?”

Ben nods, taking a deep breath, starting to rock back against Gwil again. “Feels good,” he says, not as loud as before, trying to get comfortable with it again. “God, you—” his breath hitches. “God you feel so good inside me already.”

Gwil gets the lube again and spreads it onto three of his fingers this time, pushing them in. Ben takes a deep breath that breaks a little, whimpering as he feels the stretch. Gwil curls over Ben’s back, pressing his mouth to his shoulders, his neck, and then Ben turns his head, messily pressing his mouth to his. Gwil curls his fingers relentlessly and Ben breaks away from him, whimpering against his lips. 

“You should fuck me,” Ben says. He looks a little dazed when he opens his eyes to look at Gwil, and Gwil wonders if he looks the same.

“You can't be ready yet,” Gwil says, stretching his fingers in him. "You're so tight, _god_."

“It’s okay,” Ben pants, head falling forward to press against the mattress. “It’s okay. I want it.”

“Just a bit longer,” Gwil murmurs, kissing Ben again, and Ben nods, rocking back and forth on the bed, hips pressing back against Gwil’s hand.

“Okay,” Ben breathes, fingers clutching at the bed.

Gwil shifts so that he’s behind Ben again, his own cock red and aching at the thought of just pushing into him now. _God_ it’s been so long since he’s fucked somebody, he thinks. Since he fucked Roger. Gwil’s head spins a bit, and he grabs onto Ben’s hip to steady himself. He can’t— he shouldn’t be thinking about Roger right now. God no, he doesn’t want to ruin this. Not this. “Ben,” he says, and Ben twists to look back at him, mouth hanging open as he pants quickly. “Are you sure about this?” he asks. He needs to know.

Ben nods. “God yes,” he says, whining when Gwil’s long fingers move even further in him. “Are— are you?” he asks, voice shaking a bit. Like he’s worried Gwil will want to stop.

Gwil thinks for a moment, imagines the guilt he’s going to feel later, but he just pushes it down and then finally nods. He pulls his fingers out of Ben and wipes them on the back of Ben’s thigh, then reaches over to grab the condom. They’re different from the ones he’s used to, which isn’t surprising. Just another thing that’s changed. He’s sure he can figure it out, plus he doesn’t want to have to ask Ben for help, but before he knows it, Ben is shifting, turning around, moving over to him, taking the condom from his hands.

“It’s alright, lie down,” Ben says, pressing at Gwil’s chest, but Gwil doesn’t move. There’s a hot feeling of shame creeping over Gwil when he realizes that part of him wanted Ben on his hands and knees, wanted him looking away from him. He realizes that it’s not entirely Ben that he wants. He does want him, he just…also wants Roger. Especially today.

“Lie down,” Ben says again, and Gwil finally shifts on the mattress, giving in, and Ben is immediately between his legs, grasping onto his cock as he starts rolling the condom down him. He grabs the lube and spreads some more over him. Ben shifts and climbs up a bit, straddling Gwil, reaching back to take hold of him as he shifts and tries to find the right angle.

Gwil looks up at Ben, blinking wearily. He does want Ben. Looking at him now, he’s struck by just how fucking beautiful he is. He thinks it’s odd, how Ben’s seemed so nervous up until now, but right now, he seems more in control and confident than he usually is. Like when he thought he had to cook Gwil an entire meal just to prove Gwil wrong. Gwil wants this Ben all the time.

“Are you ready?” Ben asks, and Gwil nods.

“Yeah,” he bites out, voice breaking into a moan as Ben starts to sink down, opening up around him and Gwil slowly slides in. “Oh, holy fuck,” Gwil says, fingers digging tightly into Ben’s hips.

“Yes,” Ben breathes, shifting a bit, spreading his legs further. Gwil watches as Ben reaches down, his hand skirting around his dick, obviously wanting to touch himself but also wanting to wait. Ben gasps and closes his eyes as more of Gwil pushes into him, and he reaches out to balance himself against Gwil, grasping onto his hands. “Oh god,” Ben says, starting to lift himself up a bit and then sink further down, a bit at a time until finally he’s taken all of Gwil inside him. Ben’s head falls forward a bit and he starts slowly rocking back and forth.

Gwil’s about to say _‘fuck you’re gorgeous,’_ until he remembers Ben’s request. Instead, Gwil says “I’m going to make you feel so good,” hoping that’s alright. He lets go of one of Ben’s hands to reach out and run it over his chest, thumbing against one of his nipples until it’s hard, sliding back down to gently take Ben’s cock in his hand, stroking him quickly a few times.

Ben cries out loudly, falling forward a bit, hunched over Gwil, and then Gwil reaches up with his hand to guide Ben into a kiss. Ben moans against him, and Gwil starts thrusting up into him as they keep kissing. Ben can’t keep his hands still, he keeps pushing them through Gwil’s hair and then moving them back to the bed to clutch at the sheets and he just can’t stop whimpering and moaning through the whole thing. 

Gwil runs his hands up and down Ben’s back before settling again on his hips, helping to guide him up and down as Gwil fucks up into him. They break apart and Ben buries his face in Gwil’s neck, mouth open and panting loudly in his ear. 

Ben reaches up, cupping Gwil’s cheek in his hand, turning him towards him. Ben runs his thumb over Gwil’s bottom lip, and then leans in again, following it with his mouth. “I love you,” Ben murmurs, kissing him again.

Gwil swallows hard, squeezing his eyes shut. He knows what he feels for Ben is love, he’s known it for awhile now, though at times it seems like it crept up on him suddenly. But god, he can’t make himself say it back. The words won’t come out. Ben doesn’t seem to notice or care, though, and Ben just keeps kissing him, occasionally pulling back to cry out loudly again. His usually bright green eyes are much darker now, whenever he looks at Gwil, and Gwil can’t believe he ever wanted to do this without looking into them.

Gwil’s still not entirely sure how long it’s been for Ben, but it’s been over a year since he’s been inside someone, and it’s even been weeks since he touched himself. He knows he’s going to come soon, but he desperately doesn’t want to. He wants to stay here, inside Ben, listening to him, for as long as possible. “Ben,” he gasps, and Ben pushes himself up a bit, sitting higher above Gwil, rocking with the force of his thrusts. “Ben, I’m gonna come,” he says.

Ben nods eagerly, starting to move faster against him. “Yes,” he says, “yeah, do it.”

“But you—” Gwil says, and Ben shakes his head.

“Oh god, Gwil, come in me, come on,” Ben says, groaning. He reaches back, hands pressed to the bed behind him, so his body is stretched out, and Gwil can see every inch of him perfectly, Ben’s cock bouncing a bit with their movements.

Gwil’s teeth dig into his lip as he finally comes, gripping tightly at Ben’s hips as he continues to thrust up into him, over and over. He feels like it’s never going to end, he could keep coming forever. It must take him a minute to finally come back to himself, and he realizes Ben is still on top of him, whimpering, cock aching as Ben strokes himself furiously. Gwil grips Ben’s waist and shifts under him so that he slips out, and he carefully guides Ben onto his back beneath him, quickly moving down between his legs to take Ben into his mouth.

Ben’s hands immediately find their way into Gwil’s hair, and he holds him close, tightly, as he thrusts his hips up into Gwil’s mouth. “God, Gwil,” he whines, pressing his head back into the pillows, “make me come,” he begs, “I wanna come, I wanna come, please. Oh god, Gwil, I’m so close, I’m so close, yes, right— oh, Gwil, _oh_.” His voice breaks into a loud moan as he finally comes, shooting into Gwil’s mouth.

Gwil groans with it, keeping his mouth on Ben as he swallows, keeps swallowing, until Ben’s hips jerk weakly and he whines, trying to turn away from him. Gwil pulls off, resting his head on Ben’s hip, looking up at him, panting.

“Oh god,” Ben groans, one of his hands still entwined in Gwil’s hair, the other moving up and down over his chest, unable to stop touching himself as he comes down.

Gwil watches him shiver a few times, and wants to follow Ben’s fingers with his mouth. He presses soft, slow kisses over Ben's hip, his lower stomach; even though he can't say it out loud, he finds himself mouthing _"I love you, I love you,"_ over and over against Ben's skin. He eventually rolls off Ben, onto his back, letting his eyes close. He feels Ben’s hand gently playing with his hair until Gwil can feel himself start to slip off to sleep. He forces himself to sit up, looking down at Ben, whose eyes are wide open, a look on his face that Gwil can’t describe. He’s not sure if it’s shock or bliss. Gwil reaches up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, then settles between Ben’s legs. “Can I kiss you?” he asks softly, and Ben just smiles shyly, nodding. Just like that, his confidence is gone again.

Ben wraps his arms around Gwil and pulls him in, their mouths sliding against each other. It’s slower now, calmer, and they both feel like they could sink into the mattress. Ben reaches up, keeping his hand on Gwil’s cheek, guiding him into the kiss. Gwil’s settles his weight on top of him, pressing him down, and Gwil wishes he could go another round immediately. He wishes they’d done it like this, Ben’s body underneath him, clutching at him. He’s so beautiful, Gwil thinks again.

They kiss for minutes, their pace growing slower and slower with each movement, each rock against each other. Gwil pulls back and looks down at Ben, whose eyes have grown heavy. He looks tired. Gwil moves to get off the bed, and then Ben’s hand is on his.

“Please stay,” Ben says quickly, his voice rough, and Gwil nods.

“I will,” Gwil says. “I am. I’m just going to get a washcloth.”

Ben groans and turns his head to the side, looking away for a moment before weakly pushing himself up, leaning against Gwil’s side. “I’ll come,” he says, and Gwil shakes his head, pressing a kiss to Ben’s forehead.

“I’ll be right back,” Gwil promises, standing up on shaky legs, walking into the washroom. He pulls off the condom, wrapping it in tissue and burying it at the bottom of the bin. He cleans himself off, then runs warm water over a cloth, squeezing out the excess, and walking back into the bedroom.

Ben is still on top of the sheets, curled up on his side. Gwil moves onto the bed behind him, and carefully slips the cloth down between Ben’s legs, trying to clean him up a bit, get rid of all the excess lube. Ben whimpers a few times, and Gwil gently shushes him, leaning down to kiss Ben’s temple as he gets back up. 

Gwil tosses the washcloth into the laundry and then walks back into the room, flicking off the lights, closing the door behind him. The afternoon light is still shining through the window, though, the blue and sunny sky. He leans down and wraps his arm around Ben’s waist, helping him stand, holding onto him as he wavers a bit, pulling the sheets down so that they can climb into bed. Gwil rests on his back, then rolls onto his side, curling towards Ben, who’s facing him, eyes barely open. “You’re tired,” Gwil says softly, pushing a lock of blonde hair away from Ben’s forehead, and Ben slowly nods. “Go to sleep,” he says.

“Will you be here?” Ben murmurs, trying to keep his eyes open long enough to see Gwil nod.

“I will,” Gwil promises him, and Ben makes a soft noise, finally shutting his eyes. Gwil watches him for a few minutes, occasionally running his fingers over Ben’s face, his lips, down over to his shoulder and over the tattoo again. He shifts under the sheets, getting a bit closer to him, and then gives him a kiss before finally closing his own eyes. He desperately wants to ignore the pit growing in his stomach, and he hopes that sleep will come quickly. Maybe when he wakes up, it will be tomorrow. He needs today to be over.

\+ + + + +

Ben groans as he rolls over onto his stomach, still half-asleep. It feels like his entire body is sore in some way. His thighs in particular. Well, and his arse, he thinks. He pushes himself up just a bit to look over. Gwil’s still there, curled up on his side, asleep. Ben breathes a quiet sigh of relief, laying back down. The room is much darker now; Ben thinks they must’ve been asleep for a few hours. He can see the streetlights outside.

Ben reaches out, gently moving his fingers over Gwil’s arm, up towards his face. He’s got his fingertips just over Gwil’s lips when Gwil’s eyes open, and Ben freezes.

“Hello,” Gwil says in surprise, and Ben buries his face in his pillow, embarrassed. 

“Hi,” Ben says, voice muffled. He feels Gwil’s hand on his back, gently rubbing his skin. It feels good. Ben could really go for a massage right about now. He lifts his head again, meeting Gwil’s eyes.

“Sleep alright?” Gwil asks.

Ben nods. “You?”

“I did,” Gwil says.

Ben smiles. “You stayed.”

Gwil nods. “I did.” Gwil shifts a bit as he says it though, eyes flicking away.

Ben frowns. “I wasn’t sure if you would,” he admits quietly. He shifts on the bed, reaching out again. He drags his fingers down Gwil’s arm, over his hand, to entangle their fingers together. He sees Gwil’s eyes widen a bit, looking down at their hands with a look that tells Ben all he needs to know, and Ben feels a little sick. He quickly withdraws his hand, and buries his face back in his pillow.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” Gwil says softly, and Ben just shakes his head.

“No, don’t apologize,” Ben says, voice tight. “It’s not your fault.” Suddenly, Ben’s head is flooded with a memory from earlier, murmuring to Gwil, three words. Ben squeezes his eyes shut. He’s fucking mortified. Gwil’s probably pitying him right now. He knows he didn’t drink enough to forget it.

“I don’t regret it,” Gwil says, as if that’s helpful. “It was lovely, Ben.”

Ben snorts, trying not to roll his eyes. “Lovely, yeah.” He’s not entirely sure that’s the word he would use to describe it. Mind-blowing, more likely. And once in a lifetime, apparently.

“But I just,” Gwil sighs, trailing off. “I’m not sure that it can happen again,” he continues.

Ben’s glad his face is hidden, otherwise he’d have another thing to be embarrassed about, as he tries not to cry into his pillow. “No, course not,” he murmurs, gently clearing his throat. He doesn’t know why not, though. He doesn’t understand. Gwil had been so loving, so caring. What did Ben do wrong?

“I still...” Gwil trails off, and Ben can feel him shift next to him, so he looks up to see Gwil sitting on the edge of the bed, looking back at him.

Ben pushes himself up. “Yeah, I know,” he says. Of course he fucking does. He realizes now. It’s exactly what he told Joe: Roger’s there. He’s always there. Ben can’t ignore him. He did once, and now look at the mess he’s in.

Gwil sighs and looks away from Ben. Ben’s stomach clenches. He shouldn’t have done this, he thinks. It should have been obvious to him that Gwil was only in for a one-time thing. For god’s sake, it’s obvious how in love with Roger Gwil still is. Ben should have guessed how it would end. Gwil cares about Ben, Ben thinks, but not like this. Ben was just a replacement. A poor imitation. Ben wipes at his face and then swings his feet onto the floor, pushing the blankets off his lap. He stands up, wavering a bit, thighs tight and shaky, and he gasps a bit as he takes a step.

“Ben?” Gwil asks, concerned, rushing over to his side of the bed, holding onto Ben by the waist. “Are you alright?” he asks.

Ben shrugs, debating on what to say. Well, it’s not like he could possibly feel any worse, so he goes for it. “Just stings a little,” he says, glancing down, gesturing a bit behind him, and Gwil’s eyes widen a bit as he nods understandingly.

“Was it...” Gwil trails off, biting his lip, and Ben frowns.

“What?” he asks.

Gwil gestures between them. “Your first time?” he asks softly.

Ben scoffs, shaking his head. “No,” he replies. “It’s just...I told you, it’d been awhile.”

“Right,” Gwil nods, “but I hurt you.”

Ben shakes his head again. “It’d just been a _long_ while. Longer than you, mate.” He doesn’t want to admit just how long. Leave it to him to fall for the first guy he’s slept with in… _fuck_ , Ben thinks. He pushes past Gwil, looking around for his clothes. His shirt is in the living room, he knows that much. Or no, the kitchen, he corrects himself. Wherever it landed. He reaches down to pick up his boxer-briefs, tugging them on, wincing a bit again. As he heads into the kitchen, he glances over at the living room, taking in the sight of their empty beer bottles.

Gwil follows behind him, jumping up as he pulls on his boxers too. He follows Ben into the kitchen, where he’s pouring himself a big glass of water, then does the same for Gwil, pushing it over the counter at him. Gwil picks up his glass, taking a long drink, watching Ben.

Ben shifts uncomfortably under his gaze, looking away from him as he slowly sips his water. He feels his cheeks heat up as he thinks about earlier, the things he said, the noises he made. God, what Gwil must think of him. Well, he’s never going to know, because he’s certainly never going to ask. He finishes his water and sets his glass in the sink, leaning against the counter, tired.

“Will you be alright if I go?” Gwil asks. At least he has the decency to sound sad about it, Ben thinks.

Part of Ben wants to tell him no, wants to beg him to stay, but he knows Gwil will just leave anyway, and Ben will just look like a fool for asking. “Of course,” he says.

“Ben,” Gwil says, walking around the counter to him. 

Ben looks up at him, thinking that if Gwil kisses right now, he’s probably going to lose his goddamn mind. And whatever speech Gwil tries to make about how they’re better as just friends, which is literally what Ben _tried_ to tell him before they kissed, it’s just going to piss him off. Ben thinks Gwil’s probably just going to tell him it has to be a secret, their dirty shame, that Rami and Joe can never know. “What?” he asks finally.

“I hope I didn’t hurt you too much,” Gwil says, and Ben just shakes his head.

“It’s fine,” Ben says. “An aspirin and a rest, I’ll be fine.” Though he’s not sure if Gwil meant physically or not.

“Okay,” Gwil says, and he steps away, heading back into Ben’s bedroom. When he comes back out, he’s dressed, except for his shirt, and Ben looks away. Just like that, he thinks, and it’s over. Gwil grabs his shirt off the floor, tugging it on, grabs his bag off the counter, and then walks over to the door, reaching down to pull on his shoes. “I’ll talk to you soon,” he says, hand on the door.

“Yeah, sure,” Ben says, trying to keep the bite and hurt out of his voice, nodding once. “Have a good night.”

Gwil sighs, nodding. “I did. Thank you.”

“Cheers,” Ben says, nodding. He wants to say ‘ _anytime_ ,’ but he knows that will just make Gwil pity him even more.

“Goodbye, Ben,” Gwil says, pulling open the door. “I’m— I’m sorry.”

“Bye, Gwil,” Ben says, waving at him as Gwil steps out into the hallway. He pulls the door closed behind him, and Ben slumps against the counter. He stares ahead, not really seeing anything, just running through everything that had happened since Gwil called him earlier today. He swallows hard, remembering the feeling of Gwil inside him. His mouth on him. He swallows hard, starting to tremble a bit as he tries not to think about quick Gwil was to leave him. Ben snorts, shaking his head. For all the times Gwil’s asked him why he doesn’t get on with people, why he’s always either alone or with Joe, Ben doesn’t think Gwil’s made a very good case for why he should be spending his time with anyone but himself.

Ben pushes himself away from the counter, walking around the kitchen, starting to tidy up. He reaches down, pulling on his shirt. He rinses out their empty bottles, and then clutches at the edge of the sink as he feels the familiar prickling of tears in his eyes. He bites down on his lip, trying not to cry out. He thought he was done crying over people. He told himself he was, years ago. He wipes furiously at his eyes. He can’t believe he was so fucking stupid. He can’t believe he let himself fall for Gwil. Let himself sleep with him. He wishes he never thought of this stupid fucking program. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • fuck does anybody hate me yet? (I hope not, because this is just the start)  
> • but also, did anybody else love it? because I gotta say, I've read this chapter a few times myself, ha.  
> • I know some people figured this was coming, saw it a mile way, but I hope you still enjoyed it!  
> • just try to focus on the sweet stuff too! it's there! I think they had a couple really cute moments!  
> • what sort of mess are Joe and Rami going to walk back into, I wonder.


	25. Chapter 25

Joe pulls the car up in front of Rami’s building, smiling over at him. “Home again, home again,” he says softly.

Rami smiles back. “Thank you for coming with me,” he says, leaning over to give Joe a kiss. He reaches up, pushing his fingers through Joe’s hair. “Again.”

Joe chuckles. “I’ll go to as many family reunions as it takes,” he says. “Any and all of them.”

“As it takes to what?” Rami asks, sitting back a bit.

Joe shrugs. “To show you I love you,” he replies.

“Oh, Joe,” Rami says softly, giving him another kiss. “I already know that,” he says. “You show me all the time.”

“Well, a little more can’t hurt,” Joe says, smiling.

Rami rests his forehead on Joe’s shoulder for a moment, just taking in being around him, smiling when he feels Joe press a kiss to the top of his head. “Do you want to come up?” he asks, tracing his fingertip in a circle over Joe’s leg. 

“I should leave you to Gwil,” Joe replies. “You need to catch him up on Michael and Other Rami.”

“Stop calling him that,” Rami says, scoffing.

“Why?” Joe asks, smiling. “That’s who he is. Other Rami.”

“He’s just _Rami_ ,” Rami says.

“He might have been,” Joe says, “but Original Rami is back now, so Other Rami is just going to have to deal with it.”

Rami groans, pushing himself back from Joe. “Fine,” he says. “Well, say hi to Ben for me, will you?”

“Always,” Joe says.

Rami climbs out of the car and opens the back door, grabbing his bag. He looks up when Joe gets out and walks over to him, wrapping his arms around him. “I wouldn’t mind catching up with Ben either,” he says, and Joe nods.

“Sure,” he says. “I’ll let him know. We can come over tomorrow or whenever.”

“Whenever he’s free,” Rami says, leaning up a bit to give Joe another kiss. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Joe says. “Have a good night, okay?”

Rami nods, and waves, watching Joe pull back and jog back over to the door, climbing in. He stands there as Joe pulls away, honking a couple of times as he goes, and Rami chuckles. He turns and unlocks the front door of the building, then takes the lift up to his flat. He unlocks the door, pushing it open. “Gwil?” he calls. It’s a bit darker than he expected in here, considering it’s not that late. But maybe Gwil is out, he thinks. Maybe he’s visiting Ben, wouldn’t that be lovely. Though, his bedroom door is closed, which Gwil doesn’t usually do unless he’s sleeping. Rami frowns a bit. Gwil knew what time their train was coming in. He can’t believe that Gwil would be off having a nap now, but he tries not to feel too disappointed. He doesn’t know what’s happened to Gwil while he and Joe were gone. Maybe something’s upset him, or maybe he’s sick.

Rami softly walks into his bedroom, dropping his bag off. He walks over and gently knocks on Gwil’s door. “Gwil?” he asks. He steps back, and can hear a shuffling around inside. The door is pulled open, and Gwil’s rubbing at his face, wavering a bit on his feet. “Gwil?” he says, unsure.

“Rami, you’re home,” Gwil says, pulling Rami in for a hug. “I’m sorry, I—”

Rami takes a deep breath, frowning a bit at the faint smell. “Have you been drinking?” he asks, pulling back.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, of course not,” he says. “Well, uh, no, just a beer or two with dinner, that’s all.” 

Rami can see that Gwil’s having trouble standing up straight, though, looking as though he’s slowly swaying a bit in front of him. He feels a bit hurt that Gwil’s clearly lying to him, and he just swallows hard, unsure of what to say, if he should call Gwil on it or not. “Did something happen?” he asks finally, reaching up to gently brush his fingers under the bags under Gwil’s eyes, seeing that they’re also puffy and red. He looks like he’s been crying, and _hard_. Rami doesn’t understand what’s happened. In the few days that he and Joe were gone, Gwil never seemed upset in his messages to him. They’d even spoken on the phone yesterday; Gwil sounded tired, but other than that, fine.

Gwil shakes his head slowly, closing his eyes, leaning against the doorframe. “Just…missed you, is all,” he says.

Rami knows that’s a lie. Yes, even though he felt more than a little guilty about taking a second trip to London without Gwil, especially so soon after the first one, he knew he had no reason to be. Gwil was fine. He’d said he was going to be fine. They missed each other, but nothing like _this_. “Gwil, what’s happened?” he asks.

“Nothing,” Gwil says. “I just…I was lonely. That’s all.”

“Oh, Gwil,” Rami says, pulling Gwil back into a hug. “Come on, let’s get you back to bed,” he says, guiding Gwil back into his bedroom. He helps Gwil sit down, watching as he pushes himself up onto the bed, collapsing back. Rami walks over to the window, opening it, trying to get some fresh air in the room. He turns around, looking back at Gwil who’s curled up on his side, looking at Rami with eyes half open. 

“I’m sorry,” Gwil says.

“No,” Rami says, walking over to Gwil’s bed, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. “I should’ve— oh Gwil, what happened?” he asks. He pushes himself up, laying down next to Gwil.

“I…” Gwil starts hesitantly, then his eyes start to close. “I don’t know,” he says finally. “It just…hit me, all of a sudden.”

“I would’ve come back sooner if I’d known,” Rami says, reaching out to push his fingers through Gwil’s hair, pushing it back from his forehead.

Gwil shakes his head. “I hate that,” he says.

“What?” Rami asks.

“Making you take care of me,” Gwil says. “You were with your family, that’s important.”

“ _You’re_ my family, Gwil,” Rami says. “Always, you know that. I just…I thought you were feeling better,” he says. 

Gwil huffs and tries to roll onto his stomach, but Rami reaches out, trying to keep Gwil on his side, worried that he’ll get sick. “Maybe I won’t get better,” he says. “Maybe I’m sick, and it’s forever.”

“Then I’ll take care of you,” Rami says. He curls against Gwil, wrapping him in his arms, trying to make him comfortable.

“I just need to sleep,” Gwil murmurs, voice muffled by Rami’s chest.

“Okay, let’s sleep,” Rami says, nodding slowly.

“I’m so sorry,” Gwil says, and Rami just shushes him. “I— should’ve been up, to meet you at the train station,” he says. He lifts his head, eyes rimmed with tears, and Rami swallows hard, pulling Gwil back down towards him. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Rami assures him. “Joe and I drove, remember? The car was at the station.”

Gwil takes a deep breath, nodding slowly. “How was it?” he asks. “How were they?”

“They’re alright,” Rami says. “I like them.”

“Good,” Gwil says. “Good. I’m so happy, Rami. That you have them. Your family back.”

“You’re my family,” Rami says again, but he’s not sure that Gwil hears him. He reaches down, tugging at the blankets, trying to cover them a bit so that Gwil can sleep well, at least. Rami sighs. He’s not really tired, but he can’t leave Gwil now. He just closes his eyes, and just briefly wishes that he was somewhere else. Wishes that Gwil was better.

He wonders how Joe is making out back at his flat with Ben. It has to be better than this, he thinks. He snuggles a bit closer to Gwil, a twinge already starting in his arm from the weight pressing down on him.

\+ + + + +

“Honey!” Joe calls, unlocking the door the flat, pushing it open. “I’m home!” He hears Ben groan from the living room, and he smiles.

“Are you going to do that every time you walk in here?” Ben asks.

Joe shrugs, closing the door behind him. “Maybe, if you’re lucky.” He kicks off his shoes and drops his bag on the floor, walking into the living room. His steps falter, a bit taken aback by the sight in front of him. Ben’s blankets and pillows are covering the sofa; it looks as though Ben’s been actually sleeping out here, instead of in his room. Joe frowns. “Uh, what’s up?”

“Nothing,” Ben says, pushing himself up off the sofa, walking over to Joe, pulling him into a hug. “How are you?” he asks.

Joe claps Ben on the back a couple times and squeezes him close. “I’m great,” he says.

“How was London?” Ben asks, pulling back a bit. “And Rami?”

Joe nods. “Great too. Yeah. Rami wants to catch up with you. Tell you about his family.”

Ben nods eagerly, stepping back out Joe’s arms. “Yeah, of course, I’d love to hear all about it.”

“Okay, cool,” Joe says. “I told him we could come over tomorrow, probably.” He looks at Ben, who appears to have frozen a bit. “Or…not. If you have work. Do you have work?” he asks.

“What?” Ben asks. “Oh, no,” he says, shaking his head. “No, I’m not— no.”

“Okay, cool,” Joe says. “So I’ll—”

“He can come over here, though,” Ben says. “Right?”

“Uh,” Joe thinks for a moment. “Yeah, obviously. If they want. Whichever works best, you know. I could cook us something.”

“They?” Ben repeats after a moment.

“Uh, yeah,” Joe says, making a face at Ben. “Uh, Gwil. His best friend. Don’t know if you’ve met him or not.” Joe shakes his head. “What’s going on?” he asks.

“Nothing,” Ben says again. “What do you mean? Come on, I wanna hear about your trip. I’ve missed you.”

Joe snorts. “Really?” he asks.

Ben nods. “Of course I have. You’re my best mate. I get lonely without you around.”

Joe frowns at Ben. “Uh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t— did you— I mean, you could’ve hung out with Gwil, if you wanted. He was here too. Hey, Ben, seriously, are you okay?”

Ben nods. “I’m fine. Just tired,” he shrugs.

“Well, is that because you’re sleeping on the couch?” Joe asks, gesturing towards the blankets and pillows.

Ben glances back at it as well, reaching up to scratch at the back of his head. “Oh, that’s just, I was—”

“Did something happen to your bed?” Joe asks. Joe can’t imagine what it would be, but maybe?

“Uh, well—”

“Did you pee yourself?” Joe continues. He’s joking, trying to lighten the mood, because he’s seriously concerned that something has happened to Ben while he was gone.

Ben scoffs. “Yeah, that's it,” he says, shaking his head. “Was waiting for you to come home, help me clean it up.” He bites down on his lip, and looks away.

“Ben?” Joe asks. “Are you okay?”

Ben shrugs. “Just wasn’t sleeping well the last couple nights, is all,” he says. “Thought I’d try out here. It’s fine. Besides, I like the view of the city from here.”

Joe steps back from Ben, looking around the apartment. He tries to take it all in, seeing if anything has obviously changed from when he left a few days ago. There are only a couple dishes in the sink, but Joe’s not sure if that means Ben hasn’t been eating, which, bad, or if he’s just been keeping on top of tidying up, which, good. Besides the bedsheets on the sofa, nothing really looks out of place. Though his eyes do catch on an almost empty bottle of whisky sitting on the counter that Joe’s pretty sure was full and in the cupboard when he left. He glances over at Ben, who’s just smiling nervously at him.

Joe bites down on the inside of his lip, sighing. “Um, so…do I ask again or do you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Ben asks.

“What's going on,” Joe says. “Ben, come on. We’ve had this conversation before, I don’t like when you lie to me. We don’t keep secrets.”

“You don’t have any secrets to keep,” Ben says, trying to make a joke but coming off sounding just…sad, Joe thinks.

“Do you?” Joe asks softly. “Have a secret?”

“Of course not,” Ben replies, shaking his head. “I’m fine. I said, I just— I missed you. More than I thought.”

“I only left four days ago,” Joe says.

Ben shrugs. “Long four days, I guess,” he says. “Can we drop it?”

“No,” Joe says, shaking his head. “No, we can’t. What— I mean, you’re sleeping on the couch, you’re drinking, you—” Joe blows out a long breath. “You kind of look like shit, honestly,” he says. 

“Thanks, mate,” Ben says, rolling his eyes.

“You look tired, I mean,” Joe says.

“Well, like I said,” Ben says, gesturing back to the sofa.

“You could’ve slept in my bed,” Joe says, and Ben freezes, feeling like an idiot.

“I…didn’t think of that, honestly,” Ben says. He sighs and drops onto the sofa, looking up at Joe. “How’s Rami’s family?” he asks.

“He’ll tell you about it,” Joe says, carefully sitting next to Ben, resting his hand on Ben’s knee. “Tomorrow.”

Ben just shakes his head. “I can’t,” he says, looking down at his lap, his voice sounding rough.

“Can’t what?” Joe asks, leaning in towards Ben a bit. He frowns, eyes catching sight of a faint mark on Ben’s neck, low, where the collar of his shirt is stretched out just enough. He carefully reaches his hand up to push the collar out of the way a bit for a better look, and Ben reaches up, pushing him away. “Ben, is that—”

“I can’t go,” Ben snaps.

“To Rami’s,” Joe says, and Ben nods. “Or to Gwil’s, you mean.”

Ben swallows hard, giving Joe a shaky nod. “I can’t go,” is all he says again, and Joe sighs, shifting on the sofa.

“What happened?” he asks, but now he knows. He can’t believe he didn’t see it earlier. He’s dreading hearing what happened, though, because if Ben is _this_ upset by it…what did Gwil do?

Ben shakes his head, and swallows hard. “I just—” he clears his throat, and his eyes flash up to look at Joe’s, seeing the look of sympathy and understanding on Joe’s face, and he lets out a quiet noise. “Was it that obvious?” he asks.

“Holy shit,” Joe breathes, now that it’s confirmed, and Ben just scoffs, shaking his head. “Did he— hurt you?” Joe asks, and Ben’s eyes widen.

“What? No!” he says quickly. “No, he— no. It was— well, I’m sure you don’t want all the gory details, but it was…” Ben smiles sadly. “It was brilliant, really. And I told him I loved him,” he says. “And he left.”

“Ben,” Joe says, opening his arms, and Ben immediately folds himself into Joe, pulling him as close as they can get without Ben crawling into Joe’s lap, though he’d be lying if he said he didn’t consider it. “Holy shit,” Joe says again, just shaking his head in disbelief. He rarely feels older than Ben, who’s typically the far more mature of the two, but right now, Joe feels a million years old compared to Ben, who seems so young and so heartbroken. “I— I thought— wow, I just— I’d been waiting for you guys to get together, but I wanted it to be…happy. I guess I thought—”

“You’d been waiting for us to get together?” Ben asks, pulling back a bit.

“Yeah,” Joe admits, a bit sheepishly. “Eventually, yeah, of course. I mean, you clearly have feelings for him, and you got along so well on our vacation. You really told him you love him?” Ben looks away uncomfortably. “Um, but yeah. I figured once Gwil had a bit more time to grieve and you managed to get your head out of your ass, we’d be fine. We could all be neighbours, and it’d be great. The Four Musketeers.”

Ben smiles sadly, and just shakes his head. “Well, it’s not happening,” he says. “Sorry to dash your dreams, but he said it can’t ever happen again.”

“I’m—” Joe blows out a breath, shaking his head. “I can’t really believe it. Do you— wanna talk about it?” he asks.

“About what?” Ben asks. “You already know what happened.”

“Right but,” Joe just shrugs, “are you— I mean, you’re sleeping on the sofa because you…can’t sleep in your own bed?” he says, unsure.

Ben nods once. “After he left, on Tuesday, I uh, I tried going back to sleep but just…couldn’t. I was a proper mess, you would’ve been ashamed to know me, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, I bet it was super gross and embarrassing,” Joe says, rolling his eyes. “Shut up, Ben. This doesn’t even rank on the list of embarrassing things you’ve done. You should’ve called me. I would’ve been there for you.”

“And what?” Ben asks. “I should have told you, oh, Gwil was just here, had the best shag of my life and then he left? What would you have done? You were miles away.” Ben reaches up, wiping at his face.

“For a start, I could have told you to sleep in my room,” Joe says, and Ben smiles faintly.

“Okay, fine,” Ben murmurs. “It’s— you were with Rami. I wasn’t— I’m not going to take you away from him. I’m not that bloody selfish.”

“Ben, you _needed_ me,” Joe says. “Rami, I— yeah, we were meeting more of his family, but that— that’s not a priority, not when you’re hurt or upset. It's not selfish to say that you need somebody.”

“He’s your boyfriend,” Ben says.

“Yeah?” Joe asks. “And you’re my _best_ friend, so…” He sighs. “Do you think he told Rami?” he asks.

Ben shakes his head. “I’m sure he’s blocked it out of his own head,” Ben says, “I doubt he’s running around spreading the news. Why? _You’re_ not going to tell him, are you?”

“I…” Joe sighs, shaking his head. “I know I shouldn’t, but I—”

“ _Please_ ,” Ben says quickly. “Please. I know it would be lying to him, but please. I just want to forget it ever happened, just like I’m sure Gwil does, and if Rami knows, then I— please. Joe.”

“Okay,” Joe agrees reluctantly. “Yeah, definitely. It’s not my place to tell. I won’t say anything, I promise.” He hates it, though. He wants to tell Rami immediately, but he can’t betray Ben like that.

“Thank you,” Ben says, wiping quickly at his face again.

“Are we done talking about it?” Joe asks after a moment.

“Why?” Ben asks.

“Because I just,” Joe shakes his head. “I can’t believe I went away for four days and you guys slept together, I mean, I— I know how much you care about him, Ben. I just— want you to be happy, is all.”

“Thanks,” Ben says, sniffling a bit. “I just don’t—”

“Please don’t say you think you’re never going to be happy,” Joe says quickly. “I won’t be able to stand it. Ben. Come on.”

Ben just shrugs, looking down to start picking at a loose string on his blanket.

“Oh, Ben,” Joe sighs, reaching out fix a stray lock of blond hair sticking out at an awkward angle. He doesn’t think Ben’s showered in a day or two, or combed his hair at least. It's a greasy mess.

“You must think I’m an idiot,” Ben says softly.

“Yeah,” Joe agrees. “For totally unrelated reasons, though.”

“Shut up,” Ben says, playfully elbowing Joe in the ribs. They both laugh softly, and then settle into a silence for a few moments before Joe speaks again.

“Were you happy?” he asks. “I mean, before he left. During, you know. Or before. Was it okay? Sorry, that’s probably a weird question, I just—”

“No, it’s fine,” Ben says. He sighs, settling against Joe’s side, tugging his blanket over their laps. “It was…really lovely, actually. At first it was strange, he was here and it’s like…I thought he was going to tell me he couldn’t be with me, and I was alright with it, I understood. But then he kissed me, and it…was nice. I…it’s never been like that with anyone before.”

“I bet,” Joe says softly, reaching up, wrapping his arm around Ben’s shoulders.

“But then, he…” Ben just shakes his head. “He stayed at first. For a bit. And then he left.”

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you wanted, Benny. I really am.”

“It’s okay, Joey,” Ben says, smiling at their nicknames.

“I’ll kill him if you want me to,” Joe says, and Ben chuckles sadly, shaking his head. “I mean, I know it would hurt Rami, but I’m willing to take that chance.”

“Legally I can’t have this conversation,” Ben says, and Joe reaches up, pretending to zip his lips shut, throwing away the key. “Besides, I wouldn’t want to do anything that would hurt Rami.” Joe smiles at that. They sit there together as the minutes tick by, the sun setting, leaving the two of them with only the light from the city shining in through the window. They both let their eyes close, drifting half off. It’s only when Joe’s head jerks back and he realizes he actually fell asleep for a moment that he carefully unwraps his arm from Ben’s shoulders, standing up.

“Come on,” Joe says softly, reaching his hand back to Ben. “Bed time for Benny.”

Ben just shakes his head, yawning as he stretches his arms up. “I’m just gonna stay out here,” he says, tugging at his blankets.

“Ben,” Joe says, and Ben shakes his head.

“Just for tonight,” Ben says. “I promise, I’ll be fine. It’s really not as uncomfortable as it seems.”

“Ben, come on, I’ll tuck you in and everything,” Joe says, but Ben just brings his feet up onto the sofa, pulling his sheets over him. “Alright,” Joe says, leaning down. “I guess I’ll tuck you in out here,” he says, pulling at Ben’s sheets, tucking them around him so the only thing sticking out is Ben’s head. Again, for a moment, Joe is struck by how young Ben seems compared to him. “Come find me if you need me,” he says.

“You’re not too far,” Ben says, and Joe smiles.

“And I’ve always got room,” Joe says. “Goodnight, Ben.”

“Night, Joe,” Ben says softly, wiggling under his blankets, closing his eyes.

Joe walks out of the living room, shaking his head as he rubs at his eyes. No more trips to London for a _long_ time, he thinks. _Fuck_. He wishes he hadn’t told Ben he’d keep it from Rami. If this is the mess he’s walked into here, he can only imagine what Rami’s dealing with with Gwil. He kind of hopes that it’s worse, just to punish Gwil. He gets that Gwil’s feelings are complicated by Roger, but to just leave? And to obviously not talk to Ben at all in the days afterward? Joe’s heart aches thinking about Ben here by himself, crying, curled up on the sofa. He wishes he’d been here sooner. He knows that sometimes Ben feels alone, even when Joe’s around. He can’t even imagine how Ben felt after Gwil left, and Joe wasn’t here to help. Because he was worried about being selfish.

Goddammit, if Rami doesn’t know, Joe’s not sure how he’s going to explain why Ben never wants to go over to their flat again. Joe collapses on his bed, groaning.

\+ + + + +

Ben takes a deep shaky breath, looking at the door of Gwil’s flat, then glancing over at Joe, who gives him a quick reassuring smile.

Rami had texted the following day to say that Gwil was sick when he came home and that Joe and Ben shouldn’t come by. That was fine by Joe, and more than fine by Ben. But then Rami had texted the morning after that to say that Gwil was feeling better, and if Ben and Joe could come by, Rami would like to see them. Ben had refused. Joe lied on Ben’s behalf, saying there must be something going around because Ben had come down with it as well. Ben and Joe spent all Friday and Saturday in the flat, watching television and ordering takeaway, curled up on the sofa. Joe had finally managed to drag Ben back to his bed on Friday night, only to end up with Ben knocking on his door at two in the morning to ask to sleep with him. Last night though, Ben stayed in his own room (though Joe’s not sure if he actually slept or not).

And then they both woke up to texts from Rami, asking if they could come over today, Sunday. Joe was ready to lie again, until Ben just shrugged tiredly and replied yes, they’d be over after lunch.

But standing here, waiting for Rami to let them into the flat, Ben wishes they’d kept up the lie for just a day longer. He wants to see Rami, desperately; it’s been a week. But knowing that Rami’s not the only one in that flat. Fuck. Ben feels like he’s going to throw up. _Why_ did he have to sleep with Gwil? Why couldn’t he have been smarter than that? He’s gone and ruined everything now, he thinks.

“Hi,” Rami says, slowly opening the door with a smile. 

“Hey, babe,” Joe says, leaning forward to give Rami a quick kiss.

“Hi, Ben,” Rami says, turning towards him.

“Hi,” Ben says softly, giving him a quick wave, but he grunts in surprise as Rami pulls him into a hug. Ben melts a little, leaning against Rami. It’s nice to know that he was missed as well, and it's nice to be held.

“Feeling better?” Rami asks as he steps back, letting the two of them into the flat.

Ben opens his mouth to answer but then falters a bit when he sees Gwil standing there, leaning against the counter, watching him. “Yes, thank you,” he says after a moment, nodding. He looks down as he toes off his shoes, trying to ignore the feeling of Gwil’s eyes on him.

“Gwil!” Joe says loudly, walking over to him. “Long time, no see. You feeling better?” he asks. “Heard you were sick.”

“Alright, yeah,” Gwil nods, dragging his eyes away from Ben to meet Joe’s. “You enjoy London?”

“Of course,” Joe says. “Anywhere with Rami is great with me.”

“Hmm, right,” Gwil says. He looks up when Ben walks past him towards the living room. “Hi, Ben,” he says.

“Hi,” Ben replies, not looking over at him as he keeps walking.

Joe softly clears his throat, walking away from Gwil, heading into the living room after Ben.

“How have you been?” Rami asks, following the two them, with Gwil slowly trailing behind him. “It’s been a week since I’ve seen you,” Rami says, sitting down next to Ben.

Ben smiles. “Yeah, it’s— it’s been alright. Tell me about your family. Who did you meet this time?” he asks.

“Other Rami,” Joe says loudly, dropping down onto the sofa on the other side of Ben, leaving Gwil with the chair.

“Who’s Other Rami?” Ben asks.

Rami laughs and rolls his eyes. “My…great-nephew,” he says, thinking for a moment. “Just Rami.”

“Yeah?” Ben asks. “They named him after you? That’s— that’s wonderful, I think.”

Rami nods. “My nephew Said, he had twins, actually,” he explains. “He named them after both of us.”

“Really?” Ben asks. “Another Sami too? Was he there?”

Rami shakes his head. “No, he— he died a couple of years ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Ben says softly. Jesus, he thinks, Rami can’t catch a break.

“But I met Rami’s children too, Maria and Michael,” Rami says, continuing happily. “And Sami’s children, not— _that_ Sami’s children, obviously, _my_ Sami didn’t—”

“Right,” Ben says, nodding understandingly. “That’s— I’m so happy, Rami.”

“Thank you,” Rami says, leaning forward, his hand on Ben’s. 

“For what?” Ben asks.

“For the journal,” Rami says.

“Oh, that’s, that’s yours,” Ben says. “I gave that to you so long ago now.”

“I know,” Rami says. “But if it weren’t for that journal, and reading about it, and needing to know what happened to my brother, maybe I would’ve never wanted to meet them,” he explains. “And— everything you’ve done, I really appreciate it.”

“Of course,” Ben says, nodding. “You’re welcome.” He smiles. He may have regretted the program after Gwil left him, but he knows that’s not true. He knows that he’s helped Rami at least, if nothing else. That’s worth it all, he thinks. Or, he hopes. “Are you going back soon?” he asks.

Rami shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. Not right away, anyway. I like being here. With the three of you.”

“Good,” Ben says softly, and Rami grins. “I like having you around too.”

“And me!” Joe says loudly.

Ben sighs, and glances back at Joe. When he does, he sees Gwil watching him. “And you,” he says, looking down. “So tell me more about your family,” Ben says, trying to perk up a bit. “What do they do, what are they like?”

“They’re all different, really,” Rami says. “They took us to an Egyptian restaurant near Battersea Park, and I loved it, and so did Rami, well, _other_ Rami—”

“Ha!” Joe says. “See?”

“Fine,” Rami says, rolling his eyes. “But anyway, some of us enjoyed it quite a lot, but then others…didn’t.”

“Right,” Ben says, nodding understandingly.

“Which is fine,” Rami says quickly. “I know not everyone has to like everything, but it’s just obvious that they’re…some of them are more English than Egyptian. I think you ate more Egyptian food at my birthday than Leo has in his entire life.” Ben smiles at that. “But other than that, I don’t know, really. They’re all quite kind. Perhaps a bit hesitant. To meet me. That was hard.”

“It’s not you, Rami,” Ben assures him. “It’s just…odd, isn’t it? I can say that, yeah?”

Rami nods. “It is,” he agrees, “you’re right. And I don’t really expect them to welcome me with open arms, I mean, I’m as much of a stranger to them as they are to me. Just because I was related to their grandmother doesn’t mean anything.”

“It does,” Ben says softly. “I’m sure it does. They’re just nervous. Are any of them engineers or anything like that?” 

“Michael is a party planner?” Rami asks, glancing over at Joe for confirmation. “Which, obviously I know what it is, it just seems like a strange job. Can’t people plan their own parties?”

Ben laughs loudly at that. “Uh, they can, ha, but…he probably caters to the very wealthy, I’d say.”

Rami shrugs. “And Maria, she’s a student still. She’s working on a PhD. In physics.”

“Jesus,” Ben mutters. “Alright, good for her.”

Rami smiles. “Rami is a bank manager,” he says, “or he was. He’s retiring soon.” He thinks for a moment. “Isn’t that odd? That I’m older than him, but he’s retiring.” He takes a deep breath. “It’s hard to be around them sometimes.” He swallows hard. “I want to be around them, but…I love them but I…it reminds me of the fact that I’m not—” He shakes his head. “Normal.”

Ben glances over at Joe, and Gwil, both of whom are watching Rami intently, and seem ready to spring up to comfort him at a moment’s notice. “Rami, that’s not true,” he says, shaking his head. 

“It’s alright,” Rami says, “I know I’m not. But here, with you three, it’s easier to pretend. Gwil and I are in the same situation, and you two never make me feel like I’m strange.”

“And they do?” Ben asks.

Rami shrugs. “Not intentionally, I don’t think. That’s so silly, isn’t it? I was so excited about meeting them, and now I just…I like them all, well, mostly, but— it’s odd. They’re related to me, and I know they’re my family, but… They’re not really, you know? Well, they are, but— I don’t know them well. Except Nelly. The rest are just strangers to me.”

“They might be strangers to you now,” Ben says, “but they won’t be, if you don’t want them to be, Rami. I mean, think of how close we’ve all become since you came back. We were strangers. But you know that we’ll all support you no matter what. Nobody’s saying you have to move to London and be Leo’s new flatmate.”

“Ugh,” Joe groans, “that guy’s the worst. I think I’d honestly have to stop dating you if you moved in with him.”

“And I like having you as _my_ flatmate,” Gwil says, smiling.

Rami leans against Ben for a moment, giving him a quick hug, and Ben squeezes his arms around him. “Let’s stop talking about me and being so serious,” Rami says, perking up a bit. “How was your week, Ben?” he asks.

Joe’s eyes widen a bit at that. Ben gently clears his throat and glances over at Gwil, who’s just watching him intently. “Uh, fine,” Ben says, nodding. “It was alright.”

Gwil just swallows hard, glancing away. At first, when Rami told Gwil that Ben and Joe were going to be coming over today, he wasn’t sure how he was going to be able to act around Ben, now that he can hear the sounds of his moans in his head, can remember the feeling of Ben rocking his hips back against his fingers. He was worried that he’d flush red every time he looks at him. If he does, nobody’s commenting on it. He watches the other three speaking to each other, but nothing seems any different. He catches Ben watching him every once in awhile, his eyes immediately flicking away when he sees that Gwil’s caught him, but that’s it. Rami and Joe don’t say anything, and Gwil thinks that if Joe hasn’t commented on it yet, then he must not have any idea.

“You didn’t get lonely without Joe?” Rami asks, teasing.

Ben scoffs, reaching up to push his fingers through his hair. “I— no, I did, actually. He’s grown on me. That rotter.”

Rami laughs loudly, looking over at Joe. “He’s alright.”

“Okay,” Joe says, shaking his head, “let’s not be mean to Joe, okay?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Rami says suddenly, “do you want something to drink?” he asks Ben. “Or eat?”

Ben shrugs. “Sure, let me help.” The two of them push themselves up off the sofa, leaving Joe and Gwil alone in the living room. 

Joe just turns towards Gwil, giving him a bright smile. “What about you?” he asks. “Going back to London anytime soon?”

Gwil frowns, tilting his head to the side a bit. “London?” he repeats. “Why would I?”

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know. Just thought you might wanna _leave_.”

Gwil freezes for a moment, then slowly shakes his head. “Uh, no,” he says. “I plan on staying in Perth for awhile yet.”

“Oh,” Joe says, nodding. “Good. I know Rami will love that.”

Gwil swallows hard. Okay, he thinks, Joe _might_ have an idea. He takes a deep shaky breath, and leans forward towards him. “Joe, I—”

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to,” Joe says quickly, glancing towards the kitchen. “And don’t think that just because I’m here that it means I’m okay with what you did to my best friend, because I’m ready to fucking kill you.”

“I didn’t _do_ anything to him,” Gwil says, shaking his head.

“No?” Joe asks. “I think you left him alone and he’s a mess now, so yeah, you did something.”

Gwil looks away. “Joe, please, I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. I— wouldn’t have done it if I’d known how I was going to react. But I woke up and— it’s not as easy for me as it is for you and Rami.”

“Don’t drag us into this,” Joe says. “You can— I get it, Gwil, but— you couldn’t have at least called him?”

“I did,” Gwil says, and Joe frowns. “He wouldn’t answer. I messaged him too. I tried explaining. Maybe you can help.”

Joe’s about to open his mouth to say something when they hear a glass drop in the kitchen, and then Rami saying _“oh my god.”_ The two of them glance at each and then quickly push themselves up, hurrying into the kitchen, where Rami is staring at his phone, a broken glass around his feet. Ben is moving around, carefully picking up the pieces of glass from the floor.

“What happened?” Joe asks, taking a couple steps towards him, but then he falters, looking down at Ben. “Ben, be careful,” he says.

“I’m fine,” Ben says, slowly standing up, a few larger pieces of glass in his hands, walking them over to the bin.

“Rami?” Gwil asks.

Rami’s eyes flick over at Gwil. “I’m sorry,” he says softly. “Oh my god, Gwil, I’m _so_ sorry.”

Gwil frowns, shaking his head. “It’s alright, Rami, it’s just a glass,” he says, trying to comfort him, confused as to why Rami’s so upset. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not that,” Rami says, shaking his head. “I…Roger. You didn’t remind me,” he says. “And I forgot. I can’t believe I forgot.”

Gwil swallows hard, and glances at Joe, who’s watching him with a confused look on his face. “Forgot…what?” he asks, hoping that if he plays dumb, he can just will Rami to not mention it. Not right now, in front of Ben. Because he thinks he knows where this is going, and he needs Rami to shut up immediately.

“I’m sorry, Gwil,” Rami says again. “I should’ve been here. I…”

“Sorry?” Joe repeats. “For what?”

“What’s happening?” Ben asks, turning around from where he’s carefully getting rid of the glass from his hands.

Rami looks over at Ben. “I forgot Roger’s birthday,” he explains. “I was looking at my calendar and then I just remembered. It was Roger’s birthday.”

Ben quickly looks over at Gwil, whose eyes dart down to look at the floor. “Oh?” he asks. “When was it?”

“When we were in London,” Rami says. He turns back to Gwil. “You let me go, and I…I was so distracted and caught up with my family, I didn’t even think. I just saw it now. Gwil…”

Gwil looks over at Ben, who’s biting down on his lip, a horribly sad, betrayed look on his face, and he feels a pit of guilt start to twist and grow in his stomach. He knows Ben’s figured it out. The one thing Gwil didn’t want him to know. “Yes,” he says finally, nodding once. “It was the uh, the day after you left.”

“The Tuesday?” Ben asks, voice wavering a bit.

Gwil looks away. “Yes, the Tuesday. The 26th.”

Joe’s mouth falls open a bit in surprise, realizing what that day was to the both of them. He wants to push Gwil out of the way and rush over to Ben’s side, he can see the pain flash on his best friend’s face, but Rami still doesn’t know, so Joe’s reaction would make no sense. He just stays where he is, but he watches Ben turn away, looking down at the sink, clutching at the counter.

“I should’ve been here,” Rami says, carefully avoiding any leftover glass to walk over to Gwil, taking him by the arms, looking up at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks. “God, Gwil, no wonder you were so upset when I came back, I didn’t— I didn’t even _think_.”

Gwil just shakes his head. “I…wanted you to be with your family,” he says. “I didn’t want to bother you with it.”

“It wouldn’t have been a bother,” Rami says. “We could’ve rescheduled by a couple of days. I should’ve been here. I can’t believe I forgot. You must be so angry with me.”

Gwil tries giving Rami a smile, but it’s weak and unsure. “No, it’s— your family is important,” he says.

“No wonder you didn’t want to come with me,” Rami continues, oblivious to what’s happening right now between the other three men. “I— of course you didn’t. Of course you wanted to stay here, in Perth. To remember him. I…I’m sorry, Gwil, I’ve been so distracted with everything, with my family, I completely forgot about yours. I thought you were sick, but you were sad. Gwil, I’m sorry.”

Joe gently clears his throat and walks over to Ben, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, leaning in. “Are you alright?” he asks quietly.

Ben’s shoulders shake a bit and he nods, gritting his teeth. “I’m fine,” he says, voice tight.

“Oh!” Joe says loudly, glancing over at Gwil and Rami. “Ben just got a little bit of glass in his hand,” he says, starting to lead Ben away from the counter, towards the bathroom. “I’m just going to help him clean it up a bit. Come on,” he says, tugging on his arm.

Ben sniffles, nodding his head, letting Joe lead him away from Gwil and Rami.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” Rami says quickly. “I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine,” Ben says, waving his hand back at them.

Joe pushes Ben into the bathroom, pulling the door closed behind him. 

Ben practically collapses on the floor by the bathtub, putting his head in his hands as his whole body shakes with the force of trying to stifle his cries.

“Oh god,” Joe says, dropping to the floor alongside him, pulling Ben’s head to his chest, wrapping his arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Ben,” he says softly, rubbing his hand up and down Ben’s arm, rocking him a little bit. “I’m so sorry.”

“He—” Ben’s voice breaks and he curls against Joe, finally breaking, softly crying into his shirt. He kicks his feet out a few times, stomping them; he knows he’s acting like a child having a tantrum but he feels like he needs to get it all out or he’s going to burst.

“I know,” Joe says, tucking Ben’s head under his chin, squeezing him close. “It’s okay,” he says, shushing him softly. They’re there together for a couple of minutes, with just the sound of Ben sniffling, and Joe quietly murmuring, trying to comfort him. Then there’s a timid knocking on the door.

Ben quickly lifts his head up from Joe’s chest, furiously wiping at his eyes as he pushes himself back a bit, trying to get away from the intrusion. He wishes there was a window in here that he could jump out if need be.

“Yeah?” Joe calls, looking over at Ben, reaching out to him, trying to keep him close.

“Are you alright?” Rami asks through the door.

“Yeah, fine,” Joe says. “Just give us another minute!”

“Okay,” Rami says, and they can hear him walking away.

Joe turns back to Ben, taking in the look of him. Eyes red, nose running, cheeks wet. He’s a goddamn disaster, and there will be no way of hiding the fact that he was in here sobbing. And as much as he hopes that Rami would buy that Ben just _really_ hurt himself on the glass, he knows Gwil will know. “What’s the plan?” he asks gently.

Ben just shakes his head. “I just want to go home,” he says, voice thick and rough.

“Obviously,” Joe says, nodding. “Uh, I just mean, how do we get you out of here?” he asks.

“I don’t care,” Ben says, pushing himself up off the floor. “I’m just going to go home. Fuck what he thinks.”

“I’m going with you,” Joe says, his hand on Ben’s back as Ben opens the bathroom door, walking back out. He tries to avoid Gwil and Rami’s eyes, but they’re so obviously staring at Ben, it makes the walk over to the front door quite awkward.

“Ben?” Rami asks, hurrying over to him. “Ben, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to drop the glass.”

Ben just shakes his head, trying to turn away from Rami as he pulls on his shoes, staring at the door.

“Are you alright?” Rami asks, his hand on Ben’s back.

“He’s okay,” Joe says, reaching out to take Rami’s hand, pulling him away from Ben. “He just _really_ hates pain,” he says. “And blood. I’m gonna take him home. He’s a— he’s fine. Drama queens, you know?” He gives Rami an awkward smile.

“Of course,” Rami says, nodding. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve cleaned up my own mess.”

Joe glances over at Gwil, who’s watching them with a guilty look on his face, trying to avoid Joe’s eyes. “Don’t worry about it,” Joe says flatly.

“Ben?” Rami says softly, taking another step towards him.

Ben clears his throat and turns back slightly, catching Rami’s eye, but not saying anything.

“I just wanted to say thank you,” Rami says, reaching out, his hand gently on Ben’s arm. “Gwil just told me you were here for him, on Roger’s birthday. Thank you for taking care of him, when I couldn’t.”

Joe can barely keep himself from glaring at Gwil, so he just hurries over to Ben, taking him by the shoulders before Ben can cry out again. “Okay, we’re gonna go,” he says loudly, trying to get Rami to stop talking. “I’ll call you soon, babe, okay? I love you.”

“Okay,” Rami says, stepping back, a bit unsure as he watches Joe quickly usher Ben out of the flat, slamming the door shut behind them. “I love you, too,” he says, frowning.

“He _told_ him,” Ben says, breath hitching as he tries to calm himself down, letting Joe lead him towards the lift. “He told him I was _there_ for him.”

“I’m becoming less and less Team Gwil all the time,” Joe says, heavily hitting the down button. He wants to just punch the goddamn wall.

“He—” Ben whimpers softly, wiping at his eyes. “I— if I’d _known_ , I would’ve— it was his birthday, Joe. He took me out and fucked me on Roger’s _birthday_. Why? I don’t—” They step into the lift and Ben leans heavily against the wall, trying to avoid his reflection in the mirrored walls. “I knew he didn’t love me. I knew, and I said it anyway. But I didn’t think he’d— he doesn’t care at _all_ , he used me. He— bloody used me.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Joe says, shaking his head. “I’m going to fucking murder him. I should go back up there and punch him in his stupid handsome face.”

The lift doors open and Ben practically stumbles out, Joe wrapping his arm around his waist to guide him towards the door. They climb into Joe’s car, and Ben just doubles over at the waist, arms wrapped around himself.

“Ben, it’s not your fault,” Joe says, reaching out to him. “You didn’t know.”

“I’m so embarrassed,” Ben says softly, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Ben, stop,” Joe says. “If anybody should feel bad, it should be him and I hope he fucking does. You have _nothing_ to feel bad about, okay? Not a damn thing. Please. God, just _why_? What the fuck, Gwil?” He hits his hand on the steering wheel a couple times.

Ben sniffles. “I—” his voice breaks and his shoulders start shaking. “I just…why did it have to be his birthday?” he asks. “I knew he loved him, of course he does. He always will, but I didn’t think he’d— he didn’t want me at all. He was just lonely and sad. And knew that I’d say yes.”

“I really fucking hope not,” Joe says, starting the car. “I really hope he just— goddammit Gwil,” he says softly. He clenches his fist a couple times.

When they’re back at their building, parked and walking towards the door, Ben’s phone buzzes. He reaches into his pocket, taking it out his shaky hands, seeing that it’s a message from Gwil. He doesn’t even read it, just shoves it back in his pocket. As soon as they’re inside the flat, Ben pushes by Joe and hurries into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

“Ben!” Joe calls after him, but he gets no response. He doesn’t know what to do. The only two people he can talk about this sort of thing with are Ben and Rami, and clearly, he can’t talk to either of them about this. He wants Rami to know, but he can’t hurt Ben like that. Not when Ben is already so hurt. He has half a mind to call Gwil up and tell him to never even _look_ at Ben again, but he just shakes his head, collapsing onto the sofa in the living room. He wants to believe that Gwil didn’t do it intentionally; well, obviously he did it _intentionally_ , but that he didn’t set out to do it. He thinks Gwil is a decent enough guy that his plan when he got up that morning wasn’t _‘hey, it’s Roger’s birthday, I’m going to go fuck the one guy I know who has feelings for me,’_ , but honestly, Joe just doesn’t know. Maybe Gwil’s a piece of shit, and Rami never noticed. Or maybe he just became a piece of a shit recently. Hell, he’s a hundred years out of time and everybody he ever knew is dead; Joe would be surprised if that _didn’t_ turn somebody into a piece of shit.

Joe doesn’t hear anything from Ben’s room, which is surprising. He thought there’d be some yelling or some throwing things. The silence makes him a bit nervous, but he trusts that Ben’s not doing anything to hurt himself in there. He hopes.

\+ + + + +

Gwil thinks about how he had spent Roger’s birthday last year. He and Rami had drank to Roger, giving a cheers as they shared some cake in the Mercury’s mess hall. Gwil had gone to bed that night writing a letter to Roger in his journal, thinking that he would share it with him on his birthday this year. Gwil remembers that he’d cried quite a bit once Rami left him alone in his quarters. He had wondered how Roger was spending his birthday back home.

The year before that, Roger, Gwil, Sami, and Rami had gone out to a pub. It had also been a Tuesday, and they all had work the next morning, but they drank _far_ too much, and Roger had blushed and told them all to shut up when they loudly sang Happy Birthday to him. Gwil had just pulled him in for a hug, told him to admit that he loved it, and then kissed him when Roger laughed loudly and rolled his eyes. 

The year before that was the year Gwil had given him the brand new gramophone. Gwil had made Roger cover his eyes as Gwil carried it out of the bedroom for Roger, who excitedly pulled off the wrapping paper. He looked at it in awe, then looked up at Gwil, and immediately pulled off his shirt.

Gwil sighs. He wonders how Roger celebrated his birthday all the years when Gwil was gone. At least the first one, when they all still had hope. Back before he’d most likely met Dominique. It still makes his stomach hurt to think of him with her.

Gwil feels guilty for spending Roger’s birthday with Ben. Not just with him, but _with_ him. Inside him. Gwil stifles a cry and reaches up to cover his mouth. When he’d woken up that night, after they slept together, Gwil thought it was the worst thing he could do. He was so ashamed. He wanted to stay, wanted to keep touching Ben, but he felt awful. He had to leave. 

But now, it’s strange, Gwil thinks. The thing he feels guiltiest about is not telling Ben the truth. He shouldn’t have lied to him. Even if he didn’t _lie_ , he wasn’t honest. He should have told Ben what day it was. He should’ve said that it was Roger’s birthday, and even though he still loved him, there was nothing he wanted more than to be with Ben. Ben probably would’ve turned him down, at least told him they had to wait until a different day, one that wasn’t plagued by Roger’s memory. But that should have been Ben’s choice.

At the very least, Gwil should have explained everything to him after they’d woken up, and he found Ben watching him. He shouldn’t have left. He should’ve stayed, and told Ben that he loved him, and that he was sorry. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference, maybe Ben would’ve kicked him out and told him off, but at least he would’ve known the truth. That Gwil did care, and he was sorry. When did Gwil become such an arsehole? He practically tortured Rami at the Space Operations Centre, locking himself in his room for days, refusing to talk to him. Then he ignored Ben every time he so much as said hello to him. He kissed him, and then ignored him. And then when Ben forgave him, he fucked him, and then left.

On Roger’s birthday. _Why_ did it have to be Roger’s birthday? What was wrong with him?

\+ + + + +

Joe’s surprised when the first sound he hears hours later isn’t from Ben’s room, but from the front door. He frowns, pushing himself up from the sofa, and heading towards the door. He looks in the peephole, and his hand clenches on the door knob before he opens it, just a crack. Just enough for him to angrily glare at Gwil. “How the _fuck_ did you get in here?” he asks quietly, glancing towards Ben’s room, hoping he’s fallen asleep or has headphones in or _something_.

Gwil shrugs, a bit out of breath, glancing down the hall. “Someone was coming out, so I came in,” he says. “I knew if I called you wouldn’t answer.”

“Yeah, no fucking shit, you fucking asshole,” Joe says. “Go home. Okay? Before I tell Rami what you’ve done. Or before I murder you, I don’t know which one yet.” Gwil doesn’t move though, and Joe can feel the rage in him starting to bubble over. “You have to go, _now_ ,” he says.

“Please Joe, let me talk to him,” Gwil says. “Just for a minute, I swear.”

Joe looks up at him in surprise, shaking his head. Gwil must think he’s an idiot. “Are you fucking kidding me? _No_! Never. Okay? He’s my best friend, I’m not going to subject him to that. Go _home_ , Gwil, or I swear to fucking god you’re going to regret it.”

“I need to apologize,” Gwil says quickly.

“You need to do a helluva lot more than that,” Joe snaps. “I— I can’t even fucking believe you, Gwil. Are you serious right now? Do you know how much of a mess Ben was when I came home from London? And that was _before_ he found out you fucked him on Roger’s birthday. Are you fucking kidding me? Like is this a joke to you? Is Ben a joke? What are you _doing_ to him?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Gwil says, leaning forward.

Joe scoffs. “You didn’t mean to fuck him? You just slipped and whoops, my dick is, or his— whatever, okay! But come on. You didn’t mean to? Likely fucking story. Get out of my building. Get out of our life.”

“You know what I mean,” Gwil snaps, and Joe shrugs.

“I don’t know, do I? I don’t think I know you at all!” Joe exclaims loudly, but then he winces, looking towards Ben’s door again. Still closed, thankfully. “Okay? Because I thought you were a decent person. I thought you were kind. You’re— instead, you’re this! You hurt people! You hurt my _best_ friend."

“I was— I— I didn’t do it to hurt him,” Gwil says. “Joe, I swear. I— I _care_ about him.”

“Really?” Joe asks, scoffing. “You have a really fucking funny way of showing it. I know that’s how I show I care about people. I know that’s why when Rami and I slept together for the first time I just fucking _left_ him. Oh wait! I didn’t. Because I’m not a piece of shit, Gwil. But you are. I’m literally going to kill you and throw your body in the fucking river if you come anywhere near him again!”

“Of course I care about him,” Gwil says, interrupting Joe’s rant. “And I— I was lonely, yes, and sad. So I invited him to lunch. I didn’t plan it. But then we came back here, and I—”

“Do you have any idea how much you’ve hurt him?” Joe asks. “Like, at all. Any clue? Or is this just a game for you?”

“Of course not,” Gwil says quickly. “I— Joe, you don’t understand. You don’t have any idea how I feel about him, but he— he said he loved me, and I— I don’t know what—”

“You _knew_ he loved you,” Joe says. “You had to! It couldn’t have been a surprise! I’ve known since you two fucking idiots came home from your trip! Just— _that_ day, Gwil? Do you know how shitty that makes him feel to know that you fucked him on your dead boyfriend’s birthday? He thinks he’s some, some second-place replacement or something, I don’t know! And that’s shitty, okay. I get that you’re lonely and depressed, and— yeah, I don’t blame you, but nobody gets to make my best friend feel like a piece of shit without hearing from me. You— you _know_ what he’s like with people, and he finally opens up and lets somebody in and you fucking—” Joe opens the door a bit wider and reaches through the gap, smacking Gwil a couple times on the chest, pushing him back. “If I didn’t love Rami I swear to god I would kill you right now.”

“Will you tell him I’m sorry?” Gwil asks.

“I’m not telling him _shit_ ,” Joe snaps. “Not from you, not ever.”

“Joe,” Gwil says softly, stepping closer to the door. “I’m _sorry_ ,” he says. “I— I know what you think of me. But I never wanted to hurt Ben. I, I care about him so deeply.”

“Then why’d you do it?” Joe asks. “If you care about him, why did you hurt him? You left him.”

“I did,” Gwil says. “I…I care about Ben, but it still felt like I was betraying Roger, and I just— I couldn’t stay. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I’m truly sorry. I should have stayed. I have to fix this.”

Joe sighs, shaking his head. “I can’t fucking believe you. You— he won’t forgive you for this. He’s embarrassed, he’s upset. He’s— I’ve never seen him like this before. He loves you, you asshole. And right now I fucking hate you.”

Gwil nods. “I know that,” he says softly.

“Do you love him?” Joe asks suddenly. 

Gwil draws a sharp breath, and looks down at the floor. “I…can’t,” he says finally, shifting on his feet.

“Then maybe keep your goddamn dick in your pants,” Joe says. “Man. This is going to fuck him up so much. And— neither of you want Rami to know, so…how the fuck am _I_ supposed to deal with this?”

“I don’t know,” Gwil says. “Please talk to him for me,” he says, pleading softly.

“I don’t owe you shit,” Joe snaps. “And neither does he.. You owe him _so_ much. Ben is— Ben is like the best person I know. He’s so nice! And caring. He _cares_ about you. And I’m not just talking about how he’s in love with you, I mean like, as a person, before you even talked to him, he cared about you. He did _so_ much for you and you—”

“He learned botany for me,” Gwil says.

“What?” Joe asks.

“That’s…when I realized,” Gwil says. “When you told me that he’d stayed up all night reading about botany, just to talk to me. And then he never even mentioned it. Never wanted a thank-you, or… That’s when I realized that he— and that I—” Gwil sighs. “I know what I’ve done, Joe. I’m sure you don’t believe me, but I never wanted to hurt him. I wish I could’ve stayed after. I wish I had. I’ve hated myself since I left him. I can’t believe what I’ve done. He’s…he deserves so much more than me, and what I can give him.”

“You _do_ love him,” Joe says softly.

“Just, I’m sorry,” Gwil says again. “That’s all I can say. I’m sorry. Please.” He steps back from the door. “I wish that I deserved him.”

Joe’s heart clenches a bit at that; as much as he hates Gwil right now, he can still see the person in him that he thought he knew. He can see that this is tearing him up. He sighs. “I…don’t know,” he says finally. “I— I don’t want him to forgive you, but…if he does, that’s up to him, I guess.” He shakes his head. “But you have to go.”

“Will you tell him I was here?” Gwil asks.

“I don’t know,” Joe says. “I just— he’s sleeping right now, okay? So, just go. I’ll see what happens when he wakes up.”

“Thank you,” Gwil says, before turning away, heading back down the hallway.

Joe swallows hard, pressing his forehead to the doorframe for a moment before stepping back, gently closing the door. He turns around and jumps, seeing Ben standing in the kitchen behind him, watching him. “Uh, hey buddy,” he says hesitantly. “You have a nap?” he asks. “You’ve been in there for awhile.”

“Why was he here?” Ben asks.

“Uh, who?” Joe asks, glancing back at the door. Ben just looks at him. “Uh, he wanted to apologize. I told him to fuck off.”

“What did he say?” Ben asks, stepping towards him.

“Ben, it doesn’t matter,” Joe says, shaking his head. “Okay? Not a single word he said matters at all.”

“It does,” Ben says. “What did he say?”

Joe sighs. “I…don’t know, really. A lot, I guess.”

“A lot?” Ben repeats.

Joe nods. “He…loves you,” he says. “And he’s sorry he hurt you. He wishes he’d stayed.” He watches Ben, trying to gauge his reaction. But he can’t really figure it out. Part of Ben still looks sad, but there might have been just a flicker of…something in him, too. Relief, if nothing else. Maybe happiness?

“He said all that?” Ben asks.

Joe nods. “Yeah, he did. But he’s an asshole, and as your best friend it’s my job to protect you from assholes. Okay? I told him to leave. He’s never talk to you again, ever. Not while I’m around.”

“He’s not an asshole,” Ben says, shaking his head.

“Ben,” Joe says warningly. “Come on. Don’t fall for this, okay? You’re smarter than this. You know he’s not going to change. He— what if he just said all that so you’d sleep with him again? Okay, we can’t trust him anymore. He’s—”

“He’s just hurt,” Ben says softly. “And lonely.”

“Ben, I just like, had a _really_ awesome moment where I told him off, and that is all ruined if you just up and forgive him,” Joe says. “Okay? For the love of _god_ do not do this! He doesn’t deserve it. He said it himself, he doesn’t deserve you! And I fucking agree with him! You’re so—”

“I know,” Ben says, dropping down heavily into a chair at the counter, bringing his elbows up, resting his head in his hands. “But I don’t think I can help it. I love him.”

Joe walks over, pulling out the next chair next to Ben, climbing up and sitting beside him.

“Why do I pick the worst people to fall in love with?” Ben asks, looking over at him.

Joe nods, reaching out, his hand on Ben’s shoulder, gently rubbing it. “It’s not supposed to be _this_ shitty,” he says softly. “But I promise you, Ben, if you want it, there’s the perfect person out there for you, okay? And if you want to be single for the rest of your life I promise I’ll shut up. I mean, this is partially my fault, I made all those jokes and pushed you together and now this.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ben says. “And I…I thought maybe he was the perfect person. Or I wanted him to be, anyway.” Ben chuckles sadly. “I just don’t know what to do,” he says.

“Nothing,” Joe says. “He— he’s not ready, Ben. I’m not sure that he will be for awhile.”

“I know,” Ben says. “I knew it then too. But I did it anyway.”

“ _Please_ don’t wait for him,” Joe says. “Don’t make this like, please don’t pine over him, or wait for him to get ‘better’ or whatever else. Don’t put your life on hold for him.”

Ben looks over at him. “I’m not,” he says. “But it’s not like there’s anyone else.” Not anymore, Ben swears it. He’s done. He can’t do it anymore. He’s going back to being alone, just like he told himself he would the last time.

“Are you going to be okay, Ben?” Joe asks. “And tell me the truth. Because I need to know. If you’re going to hurt yourself, or if you’re— if something is going to happen, please tell me, okay? If you ever think it, tell me. I’m here."

“I don’t know,” Ben admits quietly. “But I don’t think it can get any worse though, so…”

“Well, alright,” Joe says, nodding a few times. “I guess that’s the bright side?”

Ben nods. “Yeah, exactly.”

“And you’ll always have me,” Joe says. “I mean it, Ben. I’m not going anywhere. I swear. Everybo— _other_ people might leave, but I never will. Never. You can’t get rid of me.”

“I know,” Ben says. “I’ve tried.” He wipes at his face.

“Repeatedly,” Joe agrees. “It just ain’t gonna happen.”

“No, it is not,” Ben says.

Joe finally smiles. They sit there in silence for a few moments, as Joe tries to calm down, feeling the rage he felt slowly dissipate as he just tries to be there for Ben. “Hey, Ben, do you want something to eat?” he asks after awhile. “I mean, can you even stomach anything right now? It’s just— it’s getting kind of late, you know? And I don’t want you to be hungry or anything.”

“Are you going to cook for me?” Ben asks.

“I can,” Joe says. “Or we can order in. If you’d like. I’m okay with whatever.”

“Whatever you want,” Ben says. “As long as it’s not going outside. I look like shit.”

“You do look a little rough,” Joe says, nodding. “May I suggest a shower?” he asks.

“Fuck off,” Ben says, playfully pushing Joe away.

“Just a thought!” Joe says. “I’m just— maybe it will make you feel better, I don’t know. A bath is pretty nice sometimes.” He smiles over at Ben. “You’re perfect no matter what, shower or no shower.” He takes out his phone, scrolling through the restaurants in the area, trying to see who delivers.

Ben sighs and pushes his chair back from the counter, climbing off. “Joe?” he asks quietly.

“Hmm?” Joe turns towards him.

“I do love you, you know,” Ben says. “I know I— when I say I love the worst people, I don’t mean you. You’re, well, you’re the best thing I’ve got. I’m lucky to have you, is what I mean.”

Joe smiles. “I know. And I love you, too.”

“Thank you,” Ben says. He leans in and kisses Joe’s temple, reaching up to ruffle his hair. He leans against him, content to let Joe takes his weight for a moment before he pulls back. “I wouldn’t mind chicken wings and breadsticks,” he says after a moment, heading towards the bathroom.

“We can eat whatever you want,” Joe says. “I think you’ve earned it.” He taps a couple times on his screen, then glances back towards the bathroom. “Hey Ben!” he calls suddenly.

Ben sticks his head out of the bathroom door, having already pulled off his shirt as he fills the tub with water. “Yeah?” he asks.

“It would make me feel a _lot_ better about things if you told me that Gwil has a tiny dick,” Joe says. “Just on a personal level, you understand.”

Ben snorts. “Would if I could,” he says, pulling the bathroom door closed behind him.

“Goddammit,” Joe mutters, shaking his head. “I fucking knew it.” He goes through the app, adding almost everything on the menu that he knows Ben enjoys, even if Joe himself doesn’t. He adds extra desserts for the both of them. He expects it’s going to be a long night, and they’re going need it. Even if Ben thinks he can forgive Gwil, Joe’s not sure about it. He expects that Ben will be having a breakdown in the bathtub in about five minutes, and Joe’s going to be ready. He just shakes his head. He’s never really had to be there for Ben like this before. There’s been no deaths in family, no messy break-ups (at least not since Joe’s known him). Ben’s been an easy friend. A good friend. His best friend. Joe just hopes that he can help him feel better, because god knows he deserves it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • so. yes, it was Roger's birthday (which I know at least one person guessed).  
> • I was torn between making it obvious from the start, versus making it not obvious at all, to somewhere in the middle.  
> • it's why Gwil felt particularly guilty about spending that day with Ben, and not Roger.  
> • please don't hate me or him.  
> • thoughts on Gwil's apology? on Joe's rant? on Rami not knowing? on Ben wanting to forgive him?  
> • I'd warn you that the next chapter is basically all angst but I think you know that by now.


	26. Chapter 26

“Does something seem…off to you?”

Joe freezes, looking over at Rami, sitting next to him on the park bench. “Uh, what do you mean?” he asks. “Like what?”

Rami sighs, shifting on the bench, snuggling closer to Joe. “I don’t know, really,” he says. “Gwil’s behaving so oddly. He told me he doesn’t blame me for missing Roger’s birthday, but I can’t imagine what else it must be. He’s angry.”

“He’s not,” Joe says quickly. Screw that, Rami thinking that he’s to blame for what’s going on. He only wishes that he could tell him the truth so that Rami knew just how little he was to blame. This whole fucking thing is Gwil’s fault, and Joe wants to shout it from the rooftops. If Gwil’s angry, he better be angry at himself.

“How do you know?” Rami asks.

Joe shrugs, reaching up to play with a curly lock of Rami’s hair. “I don’t,” he says, swallowing hard after the lie passes his lips. “I just…I don’t think that’s it. He said it wasn’t a big deal, I believe him.” He still hasn’t decided that yet, whether or not he buys Gwil’s apology or that he really loves Ben. He _wants_ to, but fool me once, and all that.

“I don’t know,” Rami says. “He just— I haven’t seen him like this before, really. He seems so strange.”

“I think he’s just,” Joe shakes his head, trying to come up with something to say. Fuck Gwil for making him have to do this. “I mean, I’m sure he’s sad, about Roger. He just misses him. But I think he’s okay.”

“I hope you’re right,” Rami says. “I really want him to get better. I just wish I hadn’t forgotten. I wish we’d been here instead of in London.”

“Yeah, me too,” Joe says softly. That’s not a lie. He wishes more than anything that he’d been in Perth that day, so that none of this could have happened. He’s just happy that Ben’s back to sleeping in his own bed again; after finding out the truth about Roger’s birthday, he’d tried sleeping on the sofa again for a couple more nights. Once Joe slept curled up in a pile of blankets on the floor next to him, despite Ben’s protests. He wishes he could tell Rami, that he could explain why he’s seemed more tired and distracted lately. All he can focus on is Ben, and making sure that he’s alright. But then he has to think about how to convince Rami that Ben’s just not up for coming over to the flat any time soon, _again_. And there are only so many times he can tell him that Ben’s just not feeling well before Rami starts to think Ben is dying or something. He knows that Rami’s getting suspicious; Joe would be too. But he also can’t make Ben go over there, and he would feel even worse inviting Gwil back into their place. Joe doesn’t want Gwil anywhere _near_ Ben’s bedroom again. Even just being in the kitchen is too close.

“I wish I knew how to make him feel better,” Rami says.

“Hmm,” Joe murmurs, still distracted by his thoughts.

“Is Ben feeling better yet?” Rami asks suddenly. “And how is his hand?”

“His hand’s fine,” Joe says, not even thinking about it as the lie slips out. Though he supposes that’s not actually a lie, Ben’s hand is fine. There was just never anything wrong with it, contrary to what they let Rami believe. He sighs. “And um, I don’t know. How come?”

“I’d like the four of us to get together soon,” Rami says. “I think that might cheer him up. Gwil, I mean.”

Joe’s eyes widen a bit. “Uh…I’ll have to ask Ben about it,” he says. He can't imagine that would cheer up Gwil _or_ Ben.

“Does Ben talk about him?” Rami asks. “Gwil hasn’t mentioned him at all lately, which I find so strange. I thought they’d…well, I thought something would have happened by now. They seemed like they had such a lovely time in Wales.”

“Yeah,” Joe breathes. They really did. “Uh, no. I don’t know. Not really, I guess.”

Rami frowns, pulling back a little bit. “Not really?” he asks. “That’s so odd.”

“Yeah,” Joe agrees. “Yeah, I know,” he says, straightening up a bit. “I don’t know. Maybe they just decided to get over each other. I don’t know. Ben’s not really ready for another relationship, is Gwil?"

“No, I suppose not,” Rami says. He thinks for a moment. “You said, _another_ relationship. So, Ben’s had boyfriends before.”

“Hmm, yeah,” Joe says, nodding. “One, anyway.”

“Did you know him?” Rami asks. “What was he like?”

Joe shakes his head. “No, they’d already broken up by the time I met him.”

“Hmm,” Rami says. “They went to uni together?”

Joe nods. “Yeah, in Bournemouth.” He feels bad answering these questions; it’s not like Ben’s ever explicitly asked him to not talk about it with anybody, but Joe still feels guilty about it. It’s not his story to share.

“He doesn’t talk about it,” Rami continues, and Joe shakes his head.

“Nope,” he says, popping his lips a bit on the P. He knows he sounds rude and dismissive, but he can’t talk to Rami about this. It's not his place; Ben will tell people when Ben wants people to know.

Rami sighs. “Well, would you ask him if he’s alright?” he asks. “To come over, I mean. Or we can—”

“No,” Joe says quickly. “I’ll uh, we’ll come over. I’ll ask. I promise.” He smiles over at Rami and leans in, giving him a kiss. “As soon as he’s better.”

“Alright, good,” Rami says, smiling back, tilting his head to give him another kiss. “I miss him.”

“He misses you too,” Joe says softly. _Not enough for this, though_ , Joe thinks. Shit.

\+ + + + +

Joe watches Ben, trying to gauge his reaction. Rami had insisted on coming over to the flat afterward, wanting to check in on Ben himself. Ben, caught off guard, had looked fine, not sick at all. There’s also no bandage on his hand, if Rami asks to examine it. Now, Rami’s asked him if they could all have dinner together the next night. Ben’s mouth is hanging open a bit, and he looks at Joe, unsure. Joe just shrugs, and looks back at him helplessly.

“Or, as soon as you’re better,” Rami says quickly, “if you’re still not feeling up to it.”

Ben swallows hard, looking back at Rami. Joe’s not sure if he’s going to break and admit the truth, or if he’s going to keep lying about being sick. What he doesn’t expect is for Ben to agree to it. Which he does. “Yeah, brilliant,” Ben says.

Joe’s mouth falls open in surprise.

“I’ve been a bit out of it, past few days,” Ben nods, “but I’d like to see you. Get a good meal in me, yeah? You cooking?” he asks. “I’m sure we can bring something.”

“Oh, I can handle it,” Rami assures him with a bright smile. “Just your company is all I’d like. I miss it!”

Ben smiles, and nods. “Yeah, I— I miss it too.”

Rami grins and launches himself at Ben, pulling him into a hug. “Oh, how lovely,” he says, squeezing him tightly before pulling back. “Come over anytime tomorrow, alright?”

“Sure,” Ben says.

“Okay,” Rami says. “I’m going to go, I’ve got things to buy, then!”

“Rami,” Joe says, reaching out to him, “we can just get take-out. No need to make anything.”

“We’ll see!” Rami says. “I’m going to pop to the shop and see what I’m in the mood for, alright? Is there anything you two don’t want?”

Joe and Ben glance at each other, and Joe’s eyes widen a bit. “Nope!” Joe says. “Whatever you want to make us, I’m sure we’ll love. Do you want a drive?”

Rami shakes his head. “No, I’ll be fine,” he says. He leans in and gives Joe a quick kiss, then turns to wave at Ben and give a bright smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow!” he says happily, and Ben can’t help but grin.

“Tomorrow,” Ben says, waving back.

“Bye,” Rami says, giving Joe another kiss.

“Bye, babe,” Joe says, opening the door for Rami. Rami slips out of the flat, and Joe closes the door behind him, looking over at Ben. “Really?” he asks in surprise, and Ben just scoffs.

“Well, why’d you bring him over here then?” Ben asks, starting to pace around. “How was I supposed to turn him down in person? I don’t look sick!”

“I didn’t think he was going to ask you right then,” Joe says. “I thought he just wanted to see how you were, not that he wanted to invite you to dinner. God. I can get you out of it. I swear. Just let me talk to him.”

Ben sighs, leaning against the counter. He drums his fingers against it, and then his eyes widen and he pushes himself away from it suddenly.

Joe’s eyes narrow as he looks at the counter in confusion, and then hopes that doesn’t mean what he thinks it means. “For god’s sake, Ben, I _eat_ here!” he exclaims.

Ben looks at Joe with a guilty look on his face. “We just kissed,” he mutters. “Anyway, no. It’s fine. I can’t avoid him forever.”

“I think you can, actually,” Joe says. “Let me help. First, we—”

“It’s fine,” Ben says again. “I’ll— it’s just one dinner, yeah? How hard could it be?” He sighs. “I’m fine, I promise.”

“You sure?” Joe asks. “Say the word. Now. Tomorrow. I’ll get you out of it.”

Ben smiles. “I know you would,” he says. “But I won’t ask. Okay? I’m alright.” He sighs. “How could I say no to Rami?”

Joe smiles. “It’s impossible,” he says, “I know.” Ben playfully rolls his eyes. “But I would,” Joe says, “for you. I’m not going to make you go hang out with Gwil, I mean what kind of friend would that make me?”

Ben shrugs, looking away from Joe.

Joe studies Ben for a moment. “God, you _want_ to see him, don’t you?” he asks.

Ben blushes a bit and then nods. “I miss him,” he says softly.

“Ben,” Joe says, reaching out to him, but Ben just shrugs him off.

“I know, okay?” Ben snaps. “I don’t need you to tell me. I— I love him, alright? I just—” He sighs. “I know you think that’s terrible.”

Joe sighs. “No, I don’t,” he says. “I think _he’s_ terrible, but I don’t think _that’s_ terrible.” He looks down, picking at his thumbnail for a moment. “Still, just give me a signal tomorrow, if you want me to get you out of there.”

“You mean better than pretending I’ve cut my hand open on a piece of glass?” Ben teases, smiling at him.

Joe rolls his eyes. “Hey, I was trying, alright! You should have tried actually cutting yourself, I could have gotten you out of there even faster.”

Ben grins. “Well, I appreciated it anyway,” he says. “And we don’t need a signal. If I want to leave, I’ll just say so.”

“I’d actually pay to see that,” Joe says. “You just standing up and announcing, _‘well, this night has been terrible, cheerio!’_ ” 

Ben rolls his eyes at Joe’s still-terrible English accent. “Yes, _that_ will be the signal,” he says, and starts to laugh.

“I love it,” Joe says, shaking his head as he laughs along with him. Maybe it won't be so bad after all.

\+ + + + +

Ben blows out a nervous breath as they step into Rami and Gwil’s flat, holding the grocery bag of snacks and drinks they’d stopped for along the way, trying to delay as long as they could.

“Oh, You didn’t have to bring anything,” Rami says, hurrying over to take it from him.

“It’s fine,” Ben says, shrugging. “It’s not much. How was your day?” he asks.

Rami turns and pulls Ben into a hug. “Fine, thank you. How are you? Are you sure you’re well?”

Ben shrugs again. “Uh, I’m alright, yeah.” He looks over at Joe, who’s just watching Gwil with an unimpressed look on his face. Gwil, for his part, looks a bit worried.

“Hey babe,” Joe says, turning to Rami, pulling him in towards his chest. He keeps his eyes on Gwil, though.

“Hi,” Rami says softly, and Ben turns away, reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck as he catches Gwil’s eye. He swallows hard, unsure of what to say. He has no idea if Gwil even has any interest in talking to him, and he doesn’t know if he can just go over to him or not. He’s so confused right now, a million thoughts running through his head. Maybe Joe was right, maybe this was a bad idea. He resolves to not be the one to break, he won’t go over to him, he won’t say hello. He’s here for Rami, not Gwil. Never Gwil, not again.

But then Gwil smiles weakly at him, looking a bit nervous, and goddammit Ben can’t help but smile back, slowly taking a couple steps towards him. He still feels drawn to him, even though he knows Gwil doesn’t care for him at all. As much as it hurts, he does still love him.

“Hi,” Ben says softly. 

“Hi,” Gwil replies, glancing over at Rami and Joe, who have moved over to the kitchen counter, unpacking the bag of snacks. “I…” He wrings his hands together and then sighs. “Could we talk?” he asks quietly, taking a step towards him.

Ben automatically takes a step back, shaking his head. “I don’t think so,” he says, looking down.

“Oh,” Gwil says. “Right, of course. No.”

Ben looks back at him, studying Gwil, really taking him in. He looks a bit paler than usual. Eyes are tired. He just looks…off, Ben thinks. “How’ve you been?” he asks. He glances over at Joe as he asks, though, because he can only imagine the look he’s giving him right now. Joe is watching him back, but at least he doesn’t seem ready to fight.

“I’m alright, yeah,” Gwil replies, nodding. He glances over at Rami and Joe again, and flinches a bit at the look on Joe’s face. “I should—” Ben frowns, and then Gwil quickly turns and walks away from Ben, towards the living room.

“Oh,” Ben says softly, surprised. He glances over at Joe, who has a sort of triumphant look on his face, and Ben sighs. He doesn’t need Joe scaring him off. Ben can fight his own battles. He has more information now. He won’t let himself fall for it again. Even if all he can think about is how Gwil felt against in him in bed. His fingers... Ben takes a sharp breath, trying to calm himself down, and then he slowly follows after Gwil, leaning against the wall, watching Gwil putter about the room, hands nervously flitting over the bookshelves. It sort of looks as though he’s tidying up, but there’s no mess. “So, what’s for dinner?” Ben asks suddenly.

Gwil startles a bit, turning around. “Uh, Rami was craving cheeseburgers,” Gwil says, and Ben smiles.

“How American,” he says.

“Joe must be rubbing off on him,” Gwil says, and then he freezes and makes a face, and Ben can't help but laugh loudly. “God, don’t even say it,” Gwil says, looking over at Joe.

“I can’t help it,” Joe says, shrugging with a smirk on his face. Ben can see though, Joe’s watching them both warily, unsure of what’s going on between them.

“Ben, will you help with the salad?” Rami asks, looking over at him.

“Sure, of course,” Ben nods. He pushes himself off the wall and walks back into the kitchen.

“What else are we having?” Joe asks.

“Well, chips, of course,” Gwil replies. He’s taken a few steps back towards the kitchen, but he’s still hovering a few feet away from them all, on the outskirts.

“Why’d you invite us over for cheeseburgers?” Joe asks Rami, ignoring Gwil. “Not that I’m complaining, it just seems a little low class for a Malek dinner party.”

Rami shrugs. “I don’t know, just wanted to.”

“Alright,” Joe says. “You sure you can trust Ben with a salad?” he asks.

Ben rolls his eyes and walks over to the refrigerator. “I think even I can handle a salad,” he mutters, getting out the lettuce, dressing, and the other ingredients to throw in. He starts getting set up on the counter, then looks up in surprise when Gwil comes to stand next to him. 

“Would it be alright if I helped?” Gwil asks, eyes darting around.

“Uh,” Ben swallows hard, and glances past Gwil to Joe. “I don’t really need a babysitter,” he says.

“I know,” Gwil says, looking down at him. “I just want to help, is all.”

Ben watches him for a moment, determining that no harm is likely to come from just the two of them in the kitchen together (this time) and then nods once. “Alright.” He looks over at Joe, and gives him a look that he hopes Joe can interpret, that says _‘it’s okay, I’m fine_ ’ because Joe looks about ready to storm over and give Gwil a piece of his mind.

Joe’s eyes narrow a bit but he sighs, shoulders relaxing. “Well, you guys look like you’ve got this all settled then,” Joe says reluctantly, slinging his arm around Rami’s shoulders, leading him into the living room. “Let us know when it’s ready.”

“Joe, don’t be rude!” Rami says, and Joe just laughs.

“Oh, they’re fine,” Joe says, but he glances back at Ben again though, just to be sure.

Ben sighs and grabs a cutting board and a knife, starting to chop the lettuce.

“So, how are you?” Gwil asks. “Really?”

“I’m alright,” Ben says. “Really.” He just keeps his head down, focusing on the food he’s preparing. As much as he wanted to see Gwil, having him stand this close to him, it’s a lot. A distraction. He can’t focus on anything else, and he can feel a blush starting to spread as he thinks about how vocal he was, how much Gwil knows about him now, how much he’s seen of him. It’s mortifying.

“I wanted to tell you how sorry I am,” Gwil says quietly. “Truly,” he says. “I— I never meant to hurt you, but I did, and I’m so terribly sorry. You didn’t deserve any of it.”

Ben shakes his head. “It’s fine,” he says, voice rough. It’s not like he didn’t know that Gwil was still in love with Roger. He feels partially to blame for it all anyway, even though he knows Joe will insist that he’s not.

“Ben, I mean it,” Gwil insists, reaching out to put his hand on Ben’s, stilling his movements. “I’m sorry. And I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I’m sure you must hate me right now.”

Ben shakes his head again. “I don’t,” he says, looking up. Gwil opens his mouth to protest. “Gwil, honestly, I don’t.” It’s true, he doesn’t hate him, but he’s not going to confess his love again either, though. That time has passed. “I— I was upset, yes.” 

“And you have every right to be,” Gwil interrupts.

“ _Yes_ ,” Ben sighs, “but— it’s alright now. I’m fine. I…” He shrugs, waving the knife around between. “I understand.” He thinks. No, he does. He hates it, but he understands.

“Ben,” Gwil starts, but Ben just cuts him off.

“Please, Gwil,” Ben says. Everything is getting so conflicted in his head. He can’t tell if he wants him to stay or leave. If he wants him to keep apologizing or to never talk to him again.

Gwil watches him for a moment, and then carefully takes his hand back from Ben’s. “Alright,” he says. He sighs. “Are you fine in here then?” he asks.

“Of course,” Ben says. He fights the urge to roll his eyes. Gwil loves to leave him, it seems. It stings, he won’t lie.

“Alright,” Gwil says. His hand flits out towards Ben again, meaning to touch him in some way, but he quickly withdraws it, and then walks into the living room with Rami and Joe.

\+ + + + +

Instead of sitting at the kitchen table, the four of them eat their food in the living room. Rami and Joe are sitting on the sofa together, balancing their plates in their laps, and Ben and Gwil are sitting on the floor, eating from the coffee table. The television’s on, but they’re not really watching it. Ben and Gwil are both eating quietly, interjecting only if Joe or Rami speak to them directly, the two of them leading the conversation, which has somehow led to the topic of Joe’s birthday.

“I’m just saying,” Joe says. “It’s next month, so _somebody_ —” he turns, giving Rami and Ben a pointed look, skipping over Gwil, “better be planning something awesome for me.”

Rami rolls his eyes, and smiles over at Ben. “I’m sure that between the three of us, we can come up with something,” he says.

“I don’t think Joe deserves a birthday this year,” Ben says, looking over at him. “He’s basically been on vacation for four months. His birthday should be him actually _working_ for once.”

“Oh, you love me,” Joe says. “I’m the best assistant you’ve ever had.”

“You’re the only assistant I’ve ever had,” Ben says, “and you’re also the worst.”

Gwil snorts softly, taking a bit as he tries to stifle a laugh. Ben can’t help smiling over at him.

Joe’s jaw tightens a bit. “Besides, your birthday party was awesome,” he says after a moment, turning back to Rami. “I mean, all that food we made? Come on. What are you planning? Tell me.”

“Nothing,” Rami says, unfolding his legs from beneath him, standing up. “I’m going to get another drink, does anyone want anything?”

“I’m fine,” Ben says, and Gwil and Joe just shake their heads.

“Just start brainstorming now!” Joe calls after him as Rami walks into the kitchen. “Think of the best birthday party you’ve ever been to, and then double it. That can be mine.” 

Rami walks back in with a drink, and sits down. “Ben, are you still writing your reports?” he asks. “For your supervisor?”

Ben nods. “Yeah, I’m— well, actually.” He swallows hard and glances around at the three of them, steadying himself. “I’ve been thinking about it, really.” He has been. But he didn’t make the decision until just a few minutes ago, when he realized that he can’t keep Gwil off his mind, and he doesn’t know if he should be upset with him or himself or what. He can’t focus on anything but Gwil.

“What?” Joe asks, straightening up in his chair.

“Uh, well,” Ben says. “The program seems to be going well,” he says, looking over at Gwil, who’s watching him again, eyes boring right into Ben, it seems. “Right? I mean, you and Gwil are both so settled,” he says, turning back to Rami. “I feel a bit useless lately, honestly.”

“Ben,” Joe says softly.

“I’ve just thought,” Ben continues, “especially over the last few days that…my time might be better spent actually back at work.”

“Really?” Rami asks in shock. “But— are you sure?”

“In London?” Gwil asks, sounding horrified, and Ben looks over at him in surprise.

“Uh, no,” Ben says. “Well, maybe, I don’t know, really. Wherever my supervisor needs me, which might be London, but I’d certainly ask to stay in Perth. A bit easier to see you all, then.” He looks away from Gwil at that.

Joe frowns, glancing over at Rami. “Uh, what do you mean, see us? You live with me.”

“Well,” Ben swallows hard, “I was thinking, actually…”

Joe’s eyes widen. “Where are you going to live?” he demands.

Ben shrugs. “Well, crew quarters would probably be easiest,” he says. “That way you and Rami could have your own space when I’m gone. I’d come back on weekends.”

“Nope,” Joe says quickly, shaking his head. “Nope! Okay, I get it, you’re—” He looks at Gwil and then cuts himself off, closing his eyes for a moment to calm himself. “I know, you’re bored out of your mind, I respect you wanting to work, but no. You’re not staying in crew quarters. You’re staying with me.”

“And commute?” Ben asks. “It’s an hour each way.”

Joe shrugs. “I don’t care, Benny, I’m not letting you just hi—” He glances over at Gwil again, swallowing hard. “I’d miss you too much,” he says, smiling suddenly. “You should stay and hang out with us. Besides, let the car drive itself, take a nap.”

“Are you…” Rami frowns a bit. “So that’s it then?” he asks quietly. “It’s all over?”

Ben shakes his head. “No, don’t worry, I’m not taking Joe away from you. He is still _technically_ my assistant, but you can keep him.” He smiles at Rami.

“Again, let’s not pretend like you don’t love me,” Joe says.

“Oh no,” Ben says, “I love you, I do.” He glances over at Gwil, swallowing hard. “I just…need to get back to my life now.”

Rami just pulls Ben in for a hug, and Joe glances between Gwil and Ben, realizing that Ben’s words weren’t meant for him. He can see on Gwil’s face, that he realizes it too.

“Tell them you don’t want to go back to London,” Rami says softly, pulling back. “Promise me.”

Ben nods. “I will, I promise. I can do my work from here, I’m sure it will be alright.” He gives Rami a reassuring smile, then pats his pockets. “Do you mind if I have a smoke?” he asks.

“ _Yes_ ,” Joe says. “It’s going to kill you, honestly.”

“Joe’s right,” Rami says, “but if you feel you need one, go ahead.”

“Thanks,” Ben says, standing up. He walks over to the balcony door, slipping outside. He pulls the door closed behind him, hoping that Joe will understand that means he wants to be alone. He can’t take an argument, especially not here, where Rami and Gwil could hear. He lights his cigarette, and takes a deep inhale, blowing the smoke out. It’s a moment later when he hears the door open, and he turns, ready to tell Joe to bugger off, his decision is final, but then he freezes, realizing it’s Gwil.

“Can I come out?” Gwil asks.

Ben shrugs. “It’s your flat, do what you want with it,” he says. He takes another drag, turning back towards the city.

“Ben,” Gwil says, walking towards Ben, leaning against the railing beside him. “Why are you going back to work?” he asks. 

“I said why, didn’t I?” Ben asks. “You’ve made it pretty clear you don’t need me anymore.”

“Ben, I—” Gwil stops when Ben just turns to glare at him. “I wish you would’ve answered when I called you," he says.

Ben shrugs. “I didn’t think you had anything to say. Nothing I wanted to hear anyway.”

“I know you won’t forgive me, Ben, but can you at least understand me?” Gwil asks. “I— it’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s not even that I don’t want to be with you, but you have to know that, it’s— I touch you and I think about Roger.”

Ben snorts. “That’s brilliant,” he nods. “That’s what every bloke wants to hear.”

“Not like that,” Gwil says. “Ben, I _know_ he’s gone. But I didn’t get to say goodbye, and I know that he got married and moved on, but for me it was only a few months ago. I feel like I’ve betrayed him. I can’t help it. And I’ve _tried_.”

Ben sighs, gripping the railing, his hands starting to shake. “Then you shouldn’t have kissed me,” he says softly.

“Ben, I’m sorry,” Gwil says. “You’re right. I— did it because I wanted to, and I didn’t think about how it would hurt you. But I told you, I don’t regret it. You have no idea how much I enjoyed being with you.” He reaches out, ghosting his fingertips over Ben’s cheek, and Ben just looks down, but doesn’t pull away. “I know you don’t want me to say it, but you’re the most beautiful—”

“Stop,” Ben says, finally flinching back. “Please.”

“Alright,” Gwil says, lifting his hands up in surrender. He steps back a bit. “I don’t suppose I can ask why,” he says. “About…calling you that.”

Ben shakes his head. “I’d rather you didn’t.” He looks over at Gwil, pleading with his eyes. If nothing else, please let Gwil understand _this_.

“Alright,” Gwil says again. He takes a deep breath. “So that’s it?” he asks. “We’re not— I don’t know anymore. Were we ever really mates to begin with?”

“I need longer than this, Gwil,” Ben says, gesturing with his cigarette. “I— meant what I told you, that day. And I didn’t just stop caring for you.”

“Nor I you,” Gwil says. “I _do_ care.”

“Then just give me some time,” Ben says. “Alright? I’ll go back to work, we don’t see each other as much, and we’ll just— forget it happened. We can move on. This will help. Trust me.” He swallows hard, reaching up to rub at his collarbone, where the marks Gwil left have now faded. “Are you going to tell Rami?” he asks.

Gwil shakes his head. “Do you want me to?”

Ben shrugs. “Why? It’s can’t happen again, isn’t that what you told me? No point, really.”

Gwil nods, and then walks towards the door, glancing back at Ben. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear it,” he says, and Ben snorts. Whatever it is, he’s sure he doesn’t. “But I’m glad it was you. Thank you.”

Ben just nods, reaching up to wipe at his eyes, hearing the door close behind him. He lets out a deep shuddering breath as he looks out on the city.

\+ + + + +

Joe, predictably, talks Ben’s ear off the entire way back to the flat. _Insisting_ that he cannot just change his life for Gwil, because of Gwil. “No one dick can be that powerful,” Joe says.

“Joe, stop,” Ben says. “It’s not for him. It’s for me, alright? I want to go back to work. I don’t mind it, really. I…miss it, sort of. It’s fine. Besides, I’m not leaving the bloody country. I’m just going into the office every day.”

Joe shakes his head, and keeps rambling on about how he’s going to murder Gwil. 

Ben just sighs, and tries to ignore him. His mind’s made up.

It takes a few days to get it sorted, but one morning, Ben gets up early, quietly having a coffee and his breakfast, then slips out of the flat, leaving Joe a note on the counter. He drives to the Space Operations Centre, and heads upstairs to his office. He’s back. He doesn’t do much that first day, he’s tired, not used to being up so early in the morning. He mostly just organizes things, tries to catch up on what’s happening in the IIS, reading reports and memos that other departments have sent out. The Mercury is still sitting there on the launchpad, and Ben knows that people are working on it, but nobody seems to know what for. There’s no talk of another mission, but Ben can’t help but wonder if that’s what the IIS is planning.

That first day, Ben comes back to the flat dead tired, and pushes open the door to see Joe standing there at the stove, tasting some sort of sauce.

“Happy first day,” Joe says, holding the spoon out to Ben. “How was it?” he asks.

Ben tastes the sauce, gives Joe a thumbs up, and nods. “It was okay,” he says.

“Gonna quit?” Joe asks eagerly. “I’m sure they wouldn’t notice.”

“I just need something to distract myself,” Ben explains, looking at whatever dish Joe has prepared on the stove, inhaling deeply. It smells delicious. “What’d you do all day?”

“Rami and I fucked in _every_ room of the apartment,” Joe says seriously, nodding.

“Oh, _god_ ,” Ben scoffs, stepping away from Joe as Joe just grins at him.

“No, I’m joking,” Joe says. “Or am I?” Ben’s eyes narrow at him. “No, I am. Or _am_ —”

“Rami probably wouldn’t appreciate you talking about his sex life like this,” Ben says.

“Oh goddammit,” Joe mutters, “yeah, you’re right. No, whatever. We didn’t do anything. I actually went over there.”

Ben frowns. “And Gwil was there?” he asks.

Joe nods. “He was. Don’t worry, I left him alive. Rami wanted us to help him with something.”

“What?” Ben asks, leaning against the counter. He glances over, realizing again how close he is to the spot where he and Gwil kissed, and then he carefully steps back. This is exactly why he’s working again, to keep his mind off things like this.

Joe shrugs. “He uh, wanted to talk about school,” he says. “Like university. Since you’ve decided to go back to work he’s decided to start focusing on _his_ future too, so thanks for that, Ben.”

“I’m sure you’re his future too,” Ben says. “I like that Rami wants to go back to uni. Did Gwil say anything?”

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m trying to ignore him.”

“Please don’t,” Ben says, shaking his head. “Not on my behalf. He’s your friend, too. Or he was, anyway.”

Joe looks away at that. “I— I don’t know,” he says. “I mean, yeah, he’s Gwil. You know. He bought me cupcakes and Rami loves him, but come on, he’s a dick.”

“Joe, don’t,” Ben says. “Let me deal with it on my own. I won’t be offended if you want to be his mate still.”

Joe looks over at Ben, who gives him a reassuring smile. “I’ll…maybe give him another chance. _Maybe_. I don’t know. We’ll see. I don’t know. No, what am I saying, he’s getting zero second chances. I don’t like people who hurt my Benny’s feelings.”

“Your Benny’s feelings are fine,” Ben says. “I promise.”

“So then stop working,” Joe says. “If you’re okay now, you don’t need to work. Right?” Joe smiles brightly at him.

“Joe, I like my job,” Ben says. “It’s fine. I couldn’t do this forever anyway. What about you?”

“What do you mean?” Joe asks.

“Can _you_ do this forever?” Ben asks. “Live in Perth, spend all your time with Rami. Not actually work?”

Joe bites down on his lip. “I…don’t know,” he admits, shifting on his feet. “I— I mean, you know that I love my job, but— rovers aren’t exactly the most interesting thing going. I don’t know if…I mean, I don’t feel the need to go back yet.”

“I’m not sure how long I can convince them to keep the program up, Joe,” Ben says. “I mean, I’ll try for as long as you want, but once I start talking to other volunteers, if you and Rami are the only two still trying to make a go of it, I don’t think the IIS is going to be on board with paying you just for this.”

Joe shrugs. “That’s fine,” he says.

“What?” Ben asks.

“I’ll retire then,” Joe says. “Or— I don’t know. I’ll see where Rami goes. Where he wants to go to school and live. I’m fine.”

“God, you’re so far gone for him,” Ben says softly, and Joe nods. 

“Yeah, I am,” Joe agrees. “Whatever he wants. I’m good.”

“Okay,” Ben says, leaning into Joe for a moment. “I’m gonna have a shower, then we’ll eat?”

“Sounds perfect,” Joe says.

\+ + + + +

Ben’s been back at work for just over a week when he’s in his office, nothing in his calendar to do, no meetings or anything. He contemplates ducking out early, or asking Joe to drive in for lunch, but he doesn’t. He feels sort of separated from Joe, lately, even though Joe is there to welcome him home every day when he gets back, supper usually ready and waiting for him, Ben is having a tough time adjusting to being back at work. Or, at least, being back at work without his best mate. He’s worked with Joe for so long, and has gotten particularly used to having him, Rami, and Gwil around him. Sometimes when he has nothing to do but let his mind race, he regrets coming back to work. He knows he couldn’t have put it off forever, but it’s not really having the intended effect. It’s not helping take his mind off Gwil. Instead, he just walks around the Space Operations Centre seeing that _stupid_ bloody photo of the Mercury crew on every level, or remembers the time he spent in meal hall trying to get Gwil to talk to him.

As Ben told Rami, he didn’t want to be with someone who felt guilty about being with him. He’d been surprised when Gwil kissed him in Wales, because he didn’t think that guilt had gone away yet. Then when Gwil ignored him immediately afterward, it proved to Ben that he was right, Gwil wasn’t ready to be with him. But when Gwil called him _that_ day, to ask him to lunch, and then the way he looked at him. The way he _touched_ him…

Ben honestly doesn’t know anymore if it was obvious that Gwil didn’t want to be with him. At the time, he thought that sleeping together meant that Gwil was over all his issues, that he’d taken the time to think about it and had decided that he wasn’t betraying Roger by being with Ben. But then once Gwil left, just hours later, Ben wondered if he missed an obvious sign. He had noticed that when he told Gwil he loved him, he didn’t say it back, but Ben was so blissed out of his mind he didn’t let it bother him.

Ben groans, putting his head in his hands. “Jesus _Christ_ ,” he mutters. He didn’t come all the way to work every day to let Gwil be the only thing on his mind. Fuck. He needs to find something to do, and quick. He drums his fingers on his keyboard a couple times, thinking. He tries to run through in his mind what sort of progress report he could put together, or what sort of study on the Mercury he could commission. He’s not a psychologist, but he has wondered if there could be some sort of comprehensive study on what type of people were best suited to space travel. If you had asked Ben before, he would have guessed that someone like Eastaughffe would never have qualified; wouldn’t single, childless people be better on a mission like the Mercury? He’s surprised that a married father would be allowed to take command of such a high-risk mission. He wonders if the BIS looked into anything like that before they chose the crew members. And _how_ did they choose the crew members to begin with? Gwil and Rami never really told him, he realizes. Was it just that the BIS knew what specialities had to represented on the ship, so they picked the best people? Or were Gwil and Rami chosen for another reason?

Ben sighs. He still can’t get Gwil off his mind, but at least this time it’s work-related. The longer the Mercury sits out there, trucks driving back and forth to the launchpad, the more Ben wonders if Rami was right about the possibility of another mission. If there’s going to be another mission, they’ll need more volunteers. And Ben thinks he should be involved in choosing those volunteers. He should prepare a policy, based on special skills, mental health, family status, and other variables, that would help the IIS choose the best people for the job. _That’s_ something he can do. Even if it’s pointless and there is no mission, at least it’s busy work. He can chip away at it whenever he has a day like today, with nothing else to do.

Ben opens the IIS intranet, and types in Gwil’s name, going to his file. If there had been some sort of psychological testing done on the crew members in the 1930s, then Ben thinks there might be mention of it in the records. Ben scans the page on Gwil. The first page is just a summary, but he can access other parts of it, like Gwil’s educational background, or his occupational background. He runs his mouse over the tabs, looking at them. There’s nothing that says anything about psychological testing, but after all the tabs, there’s three grey dots. Ben clicks on it, and a new list of options opens up. _Related files_ , Ben reads, and he clicks on that. There’s nothing there but a sequence of letters and numbers; it reminds Ben of the note he found on Gwil’s physical file that led him to the letters from his mother. He can’t click on it, but when he hovers over it, a box appears that says _Location: Space Operations Centre Archives, Perth_. Ben frowns. He didn’t think there was anything on them here, that it had all been moved to London or Cologne. What would be in a box in Perth about Gwil? 

Ben jots down the sequence on a notepad, and then goes to Rami’s employee file. He clicks the same tab, but there’s nothing listed there. Just for the hell of it, he goes to his own file. Nothing listed there either. He thinks maybe it’s a typo, a data entry issue, and that the letters from Gwil’s family used to be hosted here, and then when they moved to London, it wasn’t updated? Ben doesn’t know, but at least it will give him something to do. He sighs, and pushes his chair back from his desk, making sure he has his ID and key card. 

The archives in Perth aren’t really that big, so he can’t really imagine what’s even held here anymore. He takes the lift down to the basement level, a place where he can’t even remember the last time he visited. He’s not sure that he ever has, honestly. He easily finds the archives though, and unlocks the door, heading in. He checks in at the desk and looks at his notepad, scanning the signs posted on the ends of the shelves for some suggestion of the right direction to go. Much like the London archives, the oldest stuff seems to be at the back. Ben ends up in a darkly lit corner of the room, carefully running his fingers over the spines of old books and banker boxes. The first time he scans through it, he misses whatever he’s looking for, which confirms in his head that it must have just been the letters from Gwil’s mother, but he goes over the shelf once more, realizing that there’s a sort of file folder without a label on the spine, as it’s too thin to fit one. He tugs it off the shelf, realizing that it’s an older leather portfolio, with the sequence written on a piece of tape on the cover.

Ben’s never seen it before, and it doesn’t look like what the IIS used to store Gwil’s letters. Ben glances around; there’s no table nearby, so he just tugs up his trousers a bit and then sits down on the floor in front of the shelf, carefully opening the portfolio. Ben squints; all he can see in this dark corner of the archives is faint handwriting, but he can’t tell what it says. The paper is so thin, and it looks like it was written with pencil, but he’s not sure. He knows he should go get a pair of gloves from the front desk, but he just wipes the tips of his fingers off on his shirt, then carefully flips through the pages. They appear to be letters, but Ben can’t read them at all. He sighs and pushes himself up, holding the portfolio open as he walks into the light. 

Ben lifts his head, looking around to make sure he’s not about to walk into anyone, or get scolded for touching the paper without gloves on. He finds a light to stand directly under, realizing just how yellowed the paper is. He can read the writing a bit better this time, though. It _is_ a letter, addressed to Gwil, and dated April 1939. Shit, Ben thinks. Were these missed when the other letters were moved to London? Ben doesn’t read the letter, just scans over it, looking for the end so he can see who it’s from. Maybe these are from his brothers, Ben thinks, since none were in the file he found for Gwil. 

Ben purses his lips and carefully flips the page over, finally seeing the last lines. It ends with ‘ _Love, R_ ’ and Ben frowns, thinking for a moment. More letters from Rhiannon, Gwil’s sister? He looks back over the letter, actually reading the words this time, instead of just scanning them, and his mouth falls open in shock.

These letters aren’t from Rhiannon, he realizes. They’re from _Roger_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • a cliffhanger??!!? gosh what could happen next?!  
> • maybe we finally get to hear from Roger Taylor himself.  
> • poor Rami, he still has no idea what's going on with his friends.  
> • poor Ben, still in love with a guy he's convinced doesn't love him back.  
> • Gwil's apology is a smidgen better this time, though, i think.


	27. Chapter 27

Ben freezes, staring down at the words. He almost can’t comprehend it. He has no idea why these letters weren’t in London with the ones from Gwil’s family, if it was an oversight or what, but _fuck_. He feels his hands start to shake, and he closes the portfolio. He looks around to see if anyone’s watching him, immediately feeling guilty for just having opened it. Again, _fuck_ , Ben thinks. He starts slowly walking, not sure where exactly he’s heading. To the photocopier? To one of the small desks?

He ends up at the front desk, holding tightly to the portfolio. “I need to take this to my office,” he says, carefully lifting his hands above the counter so the man can see what he’s holding.

“You can’t take the records out of the archives,” the man says, his voice flat and unimpressed.

“I’m working on Project Mercury,” Ben says. “This is important.”

The man frowns. “Project Mercury?” he repeats. Ben nods. “What do you need it for?”

Ben blinks, trying to think quickly. “A report. For my supervisor. In Cologne.” Ben always knows to drop that part in if he’s trying to make something seem more important. Compared to the headquarters there, this place is nothing.

“Why can’t you just make copies?” the man asks. “Or work down here? We’re _really_ not supposed to let any of the records leave the archives.”

Ben sighs. He can’t believe this guy _seriously_ isn’t going to let him take this portfolio. He shouldn’t have even asked. He should have just slipped it under his arm and walked out. They’d never miss it. They obviously didn’t even know they had it. Besides, what use do they have for Roger’s old letters? It’s not like he ever worked for the IIS or anything. “No exceptions?” he asks. “It’s pretty important, mate.”

“No exceptions, _mate_ ,” the man says, and Ben clenches his jaw a bit.

“Fine,” Ben says, turning around. He sighs, rolling his eyes.

“Who are you working with?” the man asks.

Ben turns back. “What?”

“I assume you’re one of the volunteers,” the man says. “That’s for them?” Ben nods.

“It is,” he replies. “Gwilym Lee. Why? Does that make a difference?”

The man makes a note on the paper in front of him, and shrugs. “Not for you, no. But if those letters belong to him, I’m sure he could request to take them out of the archives.”

Ben grits his teeth and tries not to roll his eyes. “Cheers,” he mutters. He heads towards the back of the archives, trying to find a place to sit that’s well lit but also hidden from anyone else who may walk in. He sits down, carefully opening the portfolio again. He’s about to take out the first page, when he hears someone gently clearing their throat. _Jesus Christ_ , Ben thinks, looking up. “Yeah?” he asks.

“You need gloves if you’re going to touch those,” the man says, handing them over to Ben.

“Right, thanks,” Ben says. He snatches them out of his hands, and the guy scoffs and walks away. Ben slips the gloves on and picks up the first piece of paper, starting over from the beginning.

\+ + + + +

_It’s Tuesday night. Many things are done, but there’s still much to do. You’re hardly gone at all and yet still I worry so much that you’re going to be hurt. Nobody knows what the next year has in store for me, though somehow I feel it will be alright. And after that, I’ll have forever with you. Oh Gwil, if only you were home, I would be happy. But you can give the world more than just loving me. I need only be patient, and remember that. Who am I, when the whole of Britain needs saving? Be safe. Send Rami my love._

_\- Love, R._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil,_

_I’ve been told that the radio is gone. Now everything is up in the air and there seems to be some confusion, but I still have the determination to go through whatever lies ahead of us and keep the hope of the two of us alive. I am going to treasure you as a gift all my life. I can’t get wait to get you back._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_I want more than ever to give you what you want from life. When you return, we shall know the completest peace, the greatest happiness. We can help each other find our way. I love you._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil,_

_War is frightening, but so long as I know your lovely heart is still beating, then this world simply can’t be all bad. Though I do wish you were here. I have scarcely spoken to a soul today. It was beautiful here yesterday. Nothing mattered but the sun on my skin and thinking of you. How lucky I am. Soon you’ll return to our simple life together and I will welcome it._

_I shall think of you always,  
R._

\+ + + + +

_Hello Gwil,_

_The great day dawns and it’s hard to believe it’s again our anniversary. Surely we’ll be lucky enough next year to spend it together._

_I can’t put down into words all that you mean to me, but I know you understand. I love you._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_I hope that you’re feeling well, I know how you are when you’re ill. The reason I ask is I’ve had such a bad cold lately, I couldn’t be kissed even gently by you now. But I’d certainly let you, if you walked in through the door right now. Hurry home. Tell Rami I miss him as well (though I’ve no interest in a kiss from him)._

_Roger_

\+ + + + +

_Gwil, there are millions of miles between us, but I try not to think in these terms. We have our future, and each other, and something that exists between us wherever we may be. Remember that, and have faith in our good luck. When we come together again we shall be stronger and made of better stuff._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil, your head is in the stars, and my feet are on solid earth. But some day we will come together again and I think we’ll make a decent go of spending forever together. Whatever you want from life when you return, I will do my best to give you._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil,_

_I was most excited when I awoke today because it is finally April, and that means soon you shall finally return. I can scarcely believe that a year has gone by. On occasion, it felt like each minute was an hour, and each day was a week. Others, I blinked and an entire season had passed. I cannot believe how close you are to home. I think I shall have the bed ready, and we won’t be leaving it for days._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Sometimes I imagine I’m forgetting the sound of your voice, isn’t that terrible? I can’t wait to hear it again. I’m so excited, Gwil, I can’t stand it. You and Rami both are so close! Sami and I cannot wait to see you!_

\+ + + + +

_Sami came by the flat today to tell me that the BIS is reaching out to you, but as of yet there is no response. Gwil, I know you must still be out there, otherwise my heart would have broken, for after so many years together, I don’t think I could even breathe without you. But where are you? I am not upset, but please come home._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil, when you return, you shall find all this mess quite amusing, I suppose. All this fuss about you and the rest. Everyone is rather frightened by now._

_Come home soon and get a laugh out of these letters. I shall keep them for you._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil, I will pay no mind to your lateness if you bring me home the loveliest flower the universe has to offer. Not even a bouquet, just one is all I require. I’ll let you tell me whatever you’d like about it, how it got its colours and what genus is belongs to. I’ll even let Rami tell me all about the ship and whatever else. That’s how much I miss you both._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Better yet, bring me home a flower and name it after me. I think it’s the least you could do, since you’ve now missed my birthday twice. Don’t make it three, Gwil, I beg of you._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil, I’m so sorry. I received word today, about your father. I cannot bear it, but he’s gone. He died in London, a city that’s fading so quickly now. What you would even think of it, I don’t know. Rhiannon told me that he never gave up hope in your return. I shouldn’t either. None of us will._

_But I am so sorry, darling. I know how much you loved him. When you come back, I shall show you where he’s buried. We can visit together. Please be strong. I need you to be strong._

\+ + + + +

_Did something happen to your navigator? Lord knows if you or Rami have taken control of the map, you’ll be another year entirely. This is why I’m the one who drives, Gwil. Keep that in mind when you come back._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil,_

_Don’t you hear me calling you? Please come home. I simply can’t stand it without you. The flat is much colder for your absence._

_If it’s what’s slowing you down, you can forget the flowers, I don’t need them. I just need you._

_Please, Gwil._

\+ + + + +

_I have no occasion to write, other than to say that I am thinking of you. I wonder what you and Rami do all day. I suppose that when you get back you’ll have to tell me. I hope that you’re writing to me as much as I’m writing to you. I feel a bit foolish for it, because I know that when you’ll get back you’ll want to read them all and then you’ll call me silly for being so worried and missing you so much._

_I can’t wait to read what you’ve written me. I hope it’s the most wonderful things. Even if it’s dreadfully boring, it will be wonderful because it was by you._

_Oh, I always forget, I should like you to say hello to Rami for me. I know Sami is writing his own letters to him, so I shouldn’t speak on his behalf, just my own. I miss him quite a bit. Tell him I eagerly await his return so we can have a good old-fashioned cribbage tournament again, asap. I expect to hold onto my title. Please try and place a bit better this year, darling. You make me look bad._

_Are you thinking of me too?_

\+ + + + +

_Gwil,_

_Two years ago it was almost 8:00. I was up and busy. What was the occasion? Seeing you off. When we first woke, the sun was bright, but it wasn’t shining by then. At least not on me. Many times since I’ve known why. Perhaps the sun knew what we could only guess, years of loneliness and heartaches ahead. That day I was proud of you, but I don’t think I’ve truly known happiness since. Come home._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_I’ve taken to reading your old letters to me. They move me almost as though you had spoken to me, though I admit, I can’t quite remember your voice. In my head, it’s started to sound like mine._

_Sometimes I feel as though in my life I have done very little, but then I think of you and your lovely nature, and remember that you want me, and I have faith in myself. Because you love me, I must be worthwhile. I shall want you forever and ever. You have all my love, and all my life._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_From where I am writing today I can see a very long way into the sky. I am alone, except for the thought of you. I know you’re out there, though you’re many years gone. I can see a great shadow. Is it you? Remember that I think about you. I won’t be angry one bit that you’re so late, as long as you come home._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_I truly ask myself now why I ever let you go. I was a fool then. My family thinks I’m a fool now, to still have faith in your safe return. Gwil, you know how much I hate to be made a fool of, so hurry home so that I can show them just how wrong they are. I’d take great pleasure in it._

\+ + + + +

_Well, here we are, and another Christmas passed. Sami and I were sorry you and Rami were not with us. Did you have a party at all? This is just to let you know I’m thinking of you again. I always am._

\+ + + + +

_The good times together again are not far distant, I hope, and I hope hard times will never come back. I’ve had enough loneliness to last an entire lifetime._

\+ + + + +

_I’ve had to stop sleeping in your jumpers, because they’ve stopped smelling like you. Isn’t that something? The very few things you’ve left behind, and I ruined them. Well, when you come back, they’ll smell of me, and I should expect you to wear them all the time. When you’re dressed at all, that is. I wonder how long we should stay in bed when you get back. Days, at least. ~~I hope you’ve kept up your strength.~~_

\+ + + + +

_I think the worst of it all is how dreadfully boring life is without you. I hate it all so much. I don’t even see the point, really. Sometimes I look longingly at the river. Or a knife._

_Oh Gwil, why does it have to hurt so much? I’d give anything to make the hurt go away. I’m so tired all the time, I cry so much my head hurts. I just miss you. That’s it. It’s so simple, but so difficult. I don’t understand why you’re not home. ~~Don’t you love me?~~_

_I know it’s not your fault. I know you’d be back if you could be. What is delaying you, though? I shall always wonder._

_Love, Rog._

\+ + + + +

_Oh, please forgive what I said in my last letter, Gwil. ~~If~~ When you come back, I won’t even let you read it, I’m so ashamed of what I said. I would never, Gwil. I will never. I won’t leave this world a second before I’m supposed to, because I won’t give up a second with you. Besides, wouldn’t that be just my luck? A true Romeo and Juliet story, that would be, if I shot myself in the head just as you walked in the door. _

_I’m sorry I said that as well. Please don’t ever think of me that way. I love you too much to do it._

\+ + + + +

_Four years sweetheart and I’m more in love with you than ever before. I’ve lived so long on memories, faith, and hope. I don’t know if you’re really there anymore or not. But I’m proud of you and all the work you’ve done, you and Rami both. I’ll be here when you both come back._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_The loveliest woman passed away today, Gwil. Or, today is when I heard. I am so sorry. Know that she loved you until the very end. As Rhiannon tells it, all of her thoughts were of you on her deathbed._

_I should expect it will be the same for me._

_I love you._

_She is buried with your father. We will visit them both together._

\+ + + + +

_Oceans of love and a kiss on every wave. Just like Llangennith, remember? - R._

\+ + + + +

_I wish we had more photos of us together. Isn’t it an utter shame that we don’t? How am I suppose to remember you? I joke that Sami need only look in a mirror to remember Rami. That’s sweet, I think. I’m not sure if Sami agrees or not. I think it makes it even harder on him. I miss you both terribly. I hope you’re well._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil,_

_The BIS sent your family a letter, and they’ve sent word of it on to me. It’s the most upsetting news, I can’t even put it into words. I can see you as I read it. You are happy now. With the grace of God perhaps I can keep you so forever, in my memories, for I don’t think I shall ever see you again. The light has gone out of my life._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_For my life still ahead, pity me._

\+ + + + +

_Sami and I are going to the pictures this afternoon. Neither of us is really feeling up to it, but what else is there to do? We both know we shouldn’t spend all our time in the flat, though it’s all either of us want to do._

_I miss you._

\+ + + + +

_I keep imagining that in a month, in a week, in a day, in an hour, in a minute, you could return. You could always be there, just beyond the horizon, about to land. What am I supposed to do with that? How should I live thinking only of and your return? Is that fair to me?_

_I’m so sorry, Gwil, I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have at all. I speak of fairness, when I have no idea if you’re even alive or not. They say you’re not, that it wouldn’t be possible, but what do they know of possible? I say it’s not possible for me to love you this much, but I do. That it’s not possible for one man to be so beautiful and kind, but you are._

_I do miss you so terribly though, Gwil. If you’re out there, please come home. That’s all I ask, really._

\+ + + + +

_I’ve turned on a record, Vera Lynn, and I’m dancing around the flat, imaging you with me. The lyrics are so wonderful. ‘Will you please say hello to the folks that I know, tell them I won’t be long.’ When she sings that, I think of you. Coming home. You won’t be long. Oh, Gwil._

_Now that I think about it, I’m not quite sure if you would have ever heard it. I think it may have come out after you left. Isn’t that something, I’m losing all track._

_We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when. But I know we’ll meet again, some sunny day._

_Keep smiling through._

_I love you. Till the end._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_There was a concert today in Perth, in the park. It wasn’t big, really. I played the drums. I met a fellow in the pub a few days back who said that his drummer was sick. It went fine, but Gwil, there was the most wonderful woman there. After you, she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. Isn’t that something? I’ve never felt that way about someone like her before, if you understand my meaning. I don’t know what to think. ~~If you were here~~_

_If you were here, I don’t suppose I would have looked at her at all, so I don’t see the point in that._

\+ + + + +

_I’m terribly sorry, Gwil. I truly am. If you were to walk in through the door right now I can only imagine what you would think of me. But that’s the problem with it, you won’t be walking through any door now, will you? Least of all mine. Gwil, I miss you terribly. I’ve never missed anyone or anything like you. But Dom has told me she loves me. And Gwil, I told her I love her back. Worst of all, it’s true. I never thought I would love another, nor did I mean to. But she’s so lovely. I think you would love her too, if you met her._

\+ + + + +

_The weather is lovely today. It makes me think of you. The blue of your eyes. The most beautiful blue. I’ve still never seen another blue like it. It should be bottled and sold. Rami’s place a close second, I think. He’d probably blush if I told him that. Oh I miss him. Both of you, but Rami is just so sweet and kind. It makes me cry to think that something bad has happened to him._

\+ + + + +

_When you come back, I dare say you won’t even be able to look and me, nor would I blame you. I was at the shops today, no plans except perhaps finding a new pair of shoes, maybe a jacket. What did I leave with? A ring. Oh Gwil, it’s the loveliest ring. I was only looking at it when the shopgirl asked if I had anyone special in mind, and I said yes, I did. And I did. As soon as she said it, I knew how pretty it would look on Dom’s finger._

_Please don’t hate me, Gwil. I could never hate you. But I hope she says yes. I do hope that when you meet her one day, you won’t be angry with her. It’s not her fault._

_I hope you still wear my ring on your finger. I think of that. That would have been your wedding ring, if we could have. Maybe you would have stayed then._

\+ + + + +

_She suggested a November wedding. I immediately said no, though she didn’t understand why. I don’t suppose I could ever really explain it to her. But I couldn’t do that to you, Gwil. I could never._

_Please don’t be upset. I couldn’t bear it._

\+ + + + +

_When you come back, Gwil, we can no longer see each other. Not like we did. I will hold a place for you in my heart forever, and when you return, I shall know a happiness unlike any other that I’ve ever experienced. But I’m married now. And that changes everything._

_Love, R._

\+ + + + +

_The war is over, and we won. It should be a joyful time, but it’s the entire reason you left. We no longer need whichever planet you’ve found. So come home already, won’t you? We can celebrate victory together. With a stiff drink, and then some._

_Be safe._

\+ + + + +

_I imagine I should like to meet the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. I wish it could have been me. Sometimes I think that it was. That you kept your promise, and loved me until the day you died. But I hate that idea so much. So much I can barely stand it, I cry so hard that I can barely see, until Dom wonders what is the matter._

_But as to who it really will be, I don’t quite know how to imagine them. Rather pretty, I suppose. I know your type. Yes, allow me just the smallest bit of vanity, I think you owe me that much. But I know you’ll love them, for you love so fully and completely. I hope they can love you like you deserve to be loved. I’m so sorry I couldn’t._

\+ + + + +

_Dom gave me the strangest, most wonderful news today, Gwil. I would like to ask your opinion on it. Do you think I shall be a good father? The only experience I have is with your nieces and nephews. Perhaps I’ll be better with children of my own. I do hope so, for it would be hard to imagine anyone being worse. Rhiannon still regrets letting me hold the littlest one, but really, it can’t be my fault that she was sick. I didn’t feed her._

_Wasn’t it your cooking she’d had that day? Remember that when you laugh at me the next time._

\+ + + + +

_I met the most wonderful young man today. He captured my heart immediately. I should think that you when first meet him, he will capture yours as well. He is the love of my life. Everything I am belongs to him now._

_His name is Felix. What do we think of that name? Dominique told me it means lucky. I already feel lucky for having known him, and he’s only been here for a few hours._

_I should hope he’s luckier in life than we have been, Gwil. It would utterly destroy me if I have to watch my child live a life like ours._

\+ + + + +

_Did you want children, Gwil? I can scarcely remember now. I can’t believe we didn’t discuss it, but then, why would we have? If my word means anything to you anymore, which I understand if it doesn’t, I think you’d make the loveliest father._

_I hope that I’m doing alright. Dom says I am, but Felix is the only one whose opinion counts, and I don’t think he should be old enough to give it for quite some time. I worry about the mistakes I’ll make, that I’ll do something that will change his life for the worse forever. It’s too much pressure, having just one life in my hands._

_How did you bear it with the lives of so many in yours? Perhaps when you come back, you can tell me about it._

\+ + + + +

_I do suppose you’ll have the grandest stories to tell me when you get back, you know. You’ll come and ask me what I’ve done, and I’ll say nothing more extravagant than taking Felix swimming, or helping him get dressed, and you’ll tell me stories about the dark side of the moon. Well. That’s alright. I can’t wait to hear them._

\+ + + + +

_I suppose you shouldn’t like to hear it, but yesterday we took Felix to the botanical gardens, Dom and I. They enjoyed it. I seemed as if I knew much more than I really do. Everything I said, you told me, at one time or another. They had the grandest time, really. I thought only of you. I suppose Dom shouldn’t like to hear that._

\+ + + + +

_I read the most wonderful poem today, Gwil. Isn’t that something. And you know what else? It was by a Welshman. You’d immediately love it, I just know it. It made me think of you. I won’t recall the entire thing here, but just my favourite part, the one that speak spectacularly of you._

‘Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight  
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,  
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.’

_Isn’t that the most wondrous thing you’ve ever heard? Well, maybe not for you, I can hardly imagine what art you’ve found amongst the stars, but I quite love it. Every time I hear it, I shall think of you. And I shall ensure I hear it almost daily. I recite it to myself whenever I’m alone._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil, I’ve heard the most terrible news. You must come home, you must bring Rami with you. I’m so terribly upset, I haven’t cried like this since they sent word on of your passing. I fear my tears will ruin the paper. Please Gwil, please. I’m so sorry for Rami. I need to see him now as much as I need to see you. I’m so sorry. Please. God why does this have to hurt so much. What's the point of living if it's nothing but pain. Please Gwil I miss you._

\+ + + + +

_Sometimes I think about being young. I miss it. But then I realize I didn’t know you then, and I miss it less. Although, I wonder. Is it better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all? I’m eager to hear your thoughts on the matter._

_I realize I know the answer. I wouldn’t have traded you for the world, Gwil. Though it seems I have, really. I’ve never known pain like when I think of you. But I don’t want to stop thinking of you. Please forgive me if I ever do._

\+ + + + +

_It gets harder to think of you. Gwil, just a sign. One sign. Something that tells me you’re alright. It’s been so long. ~~I know you’re dead.~~ I can never say that out loud. I refuse to even think it, for fear I will make it happen._

\+ + + + +

_Felix found a picture of you today and asked who you were. I said you were his Uncle Gwilym. I told him you got on a spaceship and flew very far away. He seemed to think I’d gone slightly mad, can you imagine that? I told him it’s all in the books. He said he’s heard, he just can’t believe that I knew any of you._

_I long to tell him just how well I knew you, but perhaps that’s not the sort of thing a father should tell his son. Or is it? I still don’t know, really._

_I did tell him that when I’m gone, he’ll have to be the one to welcome you home with open arms, and make sure you see these letters. He just rolled his eyes and told me I’d never die, I’d be too busy bothering him. Can you imagine? God, he’s so rude sometimes it’s as if you raised him yourself. Sometimes I imagine that you did, that he’s yours as well as mine._

_I do love Dom, Gwil, I do. But I loved you first. That counts for something. I’ll never forget you._

\+ + + + +

_Should I stop writing so much, do you think? Or I don’t suppose you care, really. You’ve always been such a reader. I’m sure you’ll devour these in minutes, just absolutely devour them. I look forward to hearing your critiques! Which I’m sure you’ll give. Edits and all, a true professor. Oh, I wonder, are you still going to teach when you get back? I bet you could teach all sorts of courses now. You’ve been places and seen things that almost nobody else on Earth can even dream of._

\+ + + + +

_Are you and Rami happy? I do hope so. I find myself thinking of it at the strangest times. It seems you’re never truly off my mind. Oh, Gwil._

_\- Roger_

\+ + + + +

_The strangest thing happened today. I so eagerly await your return, for I think this could be amongst the greatest things you’ll ever hear. I have to hide my excitement, of course, for it may raise too many questions. But you’ll come home, and we shall share a toast, I swear it._

_I do love you, Gwil. I really do. What this could have meant for us when we were young. It would have changed everything. Or, maybe it wouldn’t have. I don’t know. But I love you just the same._

\+ + + + +

_Were you afraid? I’m so scared, Gwil. Of everything that I’m losing. Dom and the children, yes, but you. Also you. Who’s going to carry your memory on if it’s not me? Oh god, Gwil, I hope you come back. I hope you come back and you’re the happiest you’ve ever been and you find the greatest love of your life. I wish you only the loveliest things that this world can give you. Please. It would be the greatest gift you could give me._

_Remember when I asked for flowers? I’ll still take them, though I’m afraid I may no longer be here to get them in person. Oh well, you must remember which ones I like._

\+ + + + +

_My darling, be lovely forever. That is how I shall remember you._

_How will you remember me?_

\+ + + + +

Ben stares down at the desk in front of him. He’s cried harder than he’s ever cried in his life, reading these. His sleeves are soaked with his tears, and he’s thankful nobody’s in the archives with him because he can’t stop sniffling. The guy at reception is probably going to kill him.

He feels tired. Physically, emotionally. He’s utterly drained. And he didn’t even read all of them. Some are too long, some are too faded. Others consist mostly of acronyms that Ben doesn’t understand.

Ben tugs off his gloves and wipes furiously at his face, sniffling again. He just stares down at the portfolio in front of him, and then slowly, carefully closes it. He settles back in his seat, and stares off, eyes unfocused, as he tries to take in everything he just read. All of Rami’s stories, the brief mentions by Gwil, none of them prepared Ben for who Roger was. A real person. Not just…a memory. Ben always thought Roger sounded so perfect, the way Gwil talked about him. Ben knew he’d never be able to compete with that.

But these letters, every word, they were _Roger_. A husband. A father. A friend. Gwil’s boyfriend— no, more than that. Someone who waited for years, even after the BIS had long declared them dead, believing that they’d come back. The way he talked about introducing Gwil to his son. About wanting Gwil to be happy. Ben feels even guiltier than ever for falling in love with Gwil, knowing that he already had someone who cared about him so much. No wonder Gwil doesn’t want him.

Ben’s eyes fill with tears again and he swallows hard as they spill over, and he takes a deep, shaky breath. He’d be lying if he said that one letter in particular didn’t stick out in his mind, the one where Roger wrote about who Gwil would spend the rest of his life with, who he would fall in love with. Ben smiles pathetically, bottom lip trembling as he tries to stifle his tears. He wanted so desperately for that person to be him. He still thinks of Gwil, the feeling of him against his mouth, his body beneath his. Ben wants to grab that letter and drive back to Perth, shove it in Gwil’s face and say _‘see! it’s not cheating or betrayal, he wants you to be happy, he wants you to be with me.’_

But he knows Gwil wouldn’t see it that way. He knows Gwil would just pity him for it, or worse, be angry.

Ben’s drops his hands to his lap, starting to wring them together. These letters belong to Gwil. Roger wrote them for him. How they got to the IIS, Ben’s not sure. Maybe Felix found them after Roger died, and donated them. It doesn’t matter. They’re Gwil’s.

Ben stares down at the portfolio, his mind racing. He can’t stop thinking about how Gwil used to be. There were genuinely times Ben thought that he’d wake up to the news that Gwil had killed himself. Not lately. He does think that Gwil has gotten better, that much is obvious. God, to think that it was barely a couple months ago that Gwil wouldn’t leave his room. But he’s also still afraid that Gwil will break. If it wasn’t Rami and Joe getting together, or if it wasn’t Rami reaching out to his family, or the self-hatred he must feel now, if he really believes that he betrayed Roger by sleeping with Ben…would this be it?

Ben bites down on his lip, running his fingers over the edge of the portfolio, considering its contents. He thinks back on London, after they’d been to the cemetery. Gwil was so sure that Roger thought he was a liar for promising to return. He regretted leaving, and blamed himself for not being able to make it back. Ben sighs. He watched Gwil break down. He saw how upset finding out that Roger had gotten married made him. What would finding out that he had children do to him? What would he think when he saw the letter of Roger saying how much he loved her?

What would Gwil do when he read each letter where Roger begged him to come home?

Ben thinks it would destroy him. Any chance that Gwil has at being happy, it’d be ruined. He’d never be able to focus on anything other than Roger’s words, his pleas for him to return. It would just make Gwil feel worse, until he becomes even more consumed with guilt and regret than he already is.

If Gwil hurt himself because of it, Ben wouldn’t be able to live with himself. Maybe that’s selfish, Ben thinks, but he can’t let Gwil feel any worse than he already does. He can’t let him miss Roger any more than he already does. He just can’t. He loves Gwil too much.

Ben lets out a breath, and then slowly pushes his chair back from the table. He gathers his things, and slowly walks back towards the front desk. He sets the portfolio and the gloves down, looking at the man.

“Did you want me to make copies for you?” he asks, and Ben blinks once then just slowly shakes his head.

“No,” Ben says, voice sounding rough. He gently clears his throat. “It wasn’t as important as I thought.” He drums his fingers on the counter, and glances at the portfolio one last time before he walks out of the archives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • (braces for impact because I have no idea what the response to any of this is going to be)  
> • do we like Roger? hate him? (I was super nervous about writing him like this)  
> • and how do we feel about Ben now? haha.


	28. Chapter 28

Since he’s found the letters, Ben’s been perfectly content to avoid seeing Gwil altogether. Joe’s gone over to his flat, Rami’s come over to theirs, but Ben leaves for work in the morning, comes back at night, and avoids the topic as much as he can.

Because while Ben still thinks he made the right decision, he worries that he’ll second-guess himself if he sees Gwil, or even talks about him. Which, he supposes, means that he’s already second-guessing himself. He knows he could just go to Gwil right now, tell him that he found the letters in the archives. He wouldn’t even have to be _completely_ honest; he could say that he’d found them earlier that day and came to tell him as soon as he got off work. He could drive Gwil back to the archives, and watch him read them, just like he watched him read the letters from his mum. But honestly…

Ben doesn’t want to admit it. Not even to himself. But there is a small part of him that just doesn’t want Gwil to have those letters. Not because he’s afraid it will hurt him, which he is, but just because Ben’s sick of competing with Roger. If Gwil finds those letters, he’ll get wrapped up in them, they’ll become his whole life. Ben feels sick when he thinks about it, which is why he’s started getting up earlier and staying at work later, to distract himself. Throw himself into whatever IIS project he can get his hands on.

If Ben keeps lying to Gwil, he’s not going to be able to forgive himself. But if he tells Gwil the truth, Gwil will never forgive him either. But he can’t let Gwil keep trying to apologize for hurting him when Ben can’t stop thinking about what he’s done. Otherwise the guilt’s going to destroy him.

“Earth to Ben,” Joe says, snapping his fingers in front of him.

Ben startles a bit, looking away from where he was staring at the wall, lost in his thoughts, and glances over at Joe. “Yeah?” he asks, clearing his throat gently.

“I thought I lost you for a sec,” Joe says. “Were you listening to me?”

Ben nods. “Sure,” he says. _No_.

“Oh, good,” Joe says. “So, you’re in then?”

“Hmm?” Ben asks, glancing at him at again. “Yeah, of course, sounds brilliant.” 

Joe snorts, shaking his head. “Yeah, you weren’t listening,” he says. “But, since you already agreed, I can’t wait.”

“Wait for what?” Ben asks.

Joe smiles, reaching over to pat Ben’s shoulder a couple times before he gives it a playful squeeze. “Tomorrow, dinner at Rami’s, of course!”

Ben draws a sharp breath and Joe flinches back a bit, so whatever face he made, it must not have been pretty. “Joe, I can’t,” he says, “I’m— I’ve been working to the bone, I’m tired, alright?”

“That’s why we’re doing it on a Saturday,” Joe says. “So you can sleep in tomorrow to get ready and spend all day Sunday recharging. You’ll be fine.”

Ben just shakes his head. “I really can’t,” he says. “I should— I have to go into the office anyway, maybe, I don’t know, I need to work.”

Joe frowns. “On a Saturday? Dude, come on. You’ll be fine.” He sighs. “Are you— I mean, I know you’re not like, eager to see him all the time, but we made out alright last time, yeah?” Joe studies him for a moment. “What’s changed?”

Ben swallows hard. He briefly contemplates telling Joe the truth, but he just can’t make himself say it. He can’t admit it. “I— I can’t,” he says softly, looking down at his lap. “It’s— I don’t know.”

“You can,” Joe says. “Listen, you know I’m always going to choose you over Gwil, obviously, but—”

“But you’re choosing Rami over me,” Ben says. He doesn’t even have to look back up to know that it’s true.

“It’s not like that,” Joe says after a moment, and he shifts so he’s a bit closer to Ben. “But yeah, Rami’s been complaining a little again about the four of us not getting together anymore. He really, really misses it. And honestly, he can tell something's off, so unless you want him to know about you and Gwil, I told him we’d have dinner again soon.” He rests his head on Ben’s shoulder, playfully batting his eyes at him. “And it would mean a lot to me, too,” he says.

Ben snorts, and glances over at him. “Would it now?” he asks.

Joe nods, pouting a little. “It would. A _lot_. Come on. It doesn’t have to be a thing. Besides, I thought you were going back to work to forget Gwil. Well, you’ve been working for over two weeks already and you haven’t forgotten him yet, so either come to dinner tomorrow or retire, because it’s obviously not doing any good.”

Ben groans. He can’t. He can’t. He _won’t_. “Fine,” he says finally. “Whatever.”

Joe grins. “Amazing. I’m gonna tell Rami when to expect us,” he says, shifting back so he can take his phone out of his pocket. “Are you sure you’re good?”

 _No_ , Ben thinks, I don’t think so. “Sure,” he says. “Of course. You’re right, it’ll be fine.”

Joe looks up from his phone and smiles over at Ben. “I appreciate it, you know,” he says. “I— I know it must suck. So, thank you for doing it for me. And for Rami.”

Ben swallows hard. _Whatever_. “Of course,” he says. “I’m uh, I’m gonna have a quick shower,” he says, pushing himself off the sofa. “Head to bed. Have to rest up for tomorrow.” He gives Joe a weak smile and then walks through the flat to the bathroom. He lets out a deep shaky breath as he closes the door behind him, falling against it.

He can do it, Ben thinks. He can do it. Pretend. Just a for a few hours. And he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss Rami. He misses Gwil too, though. That’s the worst part. He goes over to the shower, turning the water on.

Ben swallows hard as he sticks his hand into the water, waiting for it to heat up, staring off, eyes unfocused. Gwil betrayed him, and Joe defended him. But what Ben’s done is at least as bad, if not worse. He lifts his other hand to his mouth, starting to chew on his thumbnail. What will Joe think if he finds out? God, what about Rami? Some of those letters were about him too. At least one of them, that Ben couldn’t bring himself to read, was _to_ him. They’ll _all_ hate him. He doesn’t deserve Joe, he realizes. Or Rami. Or Gwil. He’s lying to them all. He’s hurting them by not telling Gwil about the letters.

Ben undresses and steps into the shower, welcoming the hot water beating down on his tense muscles. He can still change his mind. It hasn’t been that long. He can tell him, and just hope that Gwil doesn’t demand to know _exactly_ when he found out. But if he does, he won’t lie.

After he gets out of the shower, he avoids Joe by ducking into his room as quickly as he can. He walks over to his nightstand and grabs his phone, unplugging it. The four of them have a group chat, but there’s been nothing in it for days. Of course not. They don’t speak anymore. But maybe…for Rami. Ben frowns a bit, tapping his foot nervously before typing a quick message.

_Can I bring anything tomorrow??_

There’s a moment, and then he hears Joe shout his name excitedly from the living room. Ben smiles and shakes his head, sitting down on his bed.

 _Don’t ask Ben, he can’t cook._

Ugh, Joe.

 _Just you!_ Rami replies after a minute, and Ben feels like grinning. At least Rami still likes him. For now.

_Well, and me._

Ben rolls his eyes at Joe’s response. He sets his phone down and gets changed into something he can sleep in, putting his clothes in his laundry basket. He slips out of his room to head back to the bathroom, brushing his teeth. He hopes he can sneak back into his room without seeing Joe, but he’s right there as soon as Ben opens the door, smirking at him. “Goodnight, Joe,” Ben says, taking a step towards his room, but Joe just blocks him. “Joe, it was just a text,” he says, “try not to get too worked up about it.”

Joe nods, but he looks so goddamn happy Ben can’t help but smile back. “You’re such a softie,” he says, pulling Ben in for a quick hug. “Goodnight.”

“Night,” Ben says, going back into his room. He closes the door, almost all the way; when he was younger, he used to sleep with it closed all the way, he felt safer that way. The same when he lived alone. But since living with Joe, he usually keeps it open, just a crack. He likes hearing where Joe is, as he putters about the flat, usually in the kitchen. He also likes Joe knowing that even when Ben goes to bed early and doesn’t want to talk, Joe’s still welcome.

He grabs his phone to look at one last time before trying to sleep. There’s another notification in the group chat, and he assumes it’s more of the same from Joe. But it’s not.

Gwil’s written, _I’m chuffed to hear you’re both coming. And I think Ben is actually quite a good cook, when he wants to be._

Ben smiles. He’s not sure if Gwil is actually chuffed or not, it’s easy enough to say over text, but it still makes him feel better. Even though he knows how badly tomorrow is going to go. He can pretend for now at least. He thinks for a moment, and then replies: _Thank you, Gwil, I’m glad someone is standing up for me at least._

He reaches over, setting his phone down on his nightstand. He twists a bit, and then his phone lights up again. He sighs, and then reaches over again, picking it up.

_Anytime._

Ben can’t stop himself from beaming at the phone, but beneath it, his stomach twists. Gwil’s going to hate him so much. Ben brings his hand up to his mouth, biting at his thumb. Joe’s not the only one who’s told him how much they hate that particular habit, but Ben honestly can’t stop it. He finds it comforting. He feels nauseous, imagining himself telling Gwil about the letters. But he _has_ to. And he will. He swears it.

\+ + + + +

Ben spends all day in a daze, running through the words in his mind. How he’s going to tell Gwil. He belatedly realizes that it would look better if he actually had the letters with him; it makes no sense that he would have found them and then just _left_ them there without making copies. Not after he made copies of all the letters from Gwil’s mother. Not after he snuck Sami’s journal out of the archives for Rami. It’s going to look strange that, after everything, it was Roger’s letters that he just left there, but he also can’t just duck out of the flat for two hours without Joe wondering where he’s going. It’ll be too obvious then, and then Joe will know that Ben didn’t actually _just_ find them, but that he knew they were there and left them.

So, he knows he has to come up with a lie about that, why he doesn’t have them. Then he imagines how excited Gwil will be, and how eager he’ll be to go to the archives immediately to get the letters. Which worries Ben too. If the same archivist is on shift, well, he knows that Ben’s already read them. He knows how many days ago that was, and surely he’ll tell Gwil, or at least comment on it. Then Gwil will be confused at the least, angry at the worst. Demanding to know why Ben waited. Ben won’t have an explanation for that either. 

Ben’s pretty sure that Joe thinks he must actually be getting sick, for how many times he asks Ben so far today if he’s okay. Ben’s overfilled his coffee, dropped a plate, stubbed his toe, all because he can’t keep his mind off how he’s supposed to tell Gwil about the letters. 

“Something’s up,” Joe says at one point in the afternoon, looking over at Ben, who’s been staring off out the window for minutes now. “And I don’t know what it is, but— you’re actually being really weird.”

Ben swallows hard. “I am not,” he says, and Joe just rolls his eyes.

“Ben,” Joe says, “I really hate this. I mean, I _know_ what he did to you—”

“It’s not that,” Ben says quickly, “I’m fine. Really. I’m just tired is all. I forgive him.”

Joe snorts and rolls his eyes. “Oh, really? Oh, okay. Liar. But that’s fine.” He stands up and shakes his head. “I thought we didn’t keep secrets, remember?” When Ben looks up at Joe, the look on his face is all Joe needs to immediately know that something is actually wrong. But Joe has no idea what it is.

When it’s time for them to get ready to head over, Ben stands in front of his dresser, looking over his shirts, and a lump forms in his throat. He feels nauseous.

He can’t tell Gwil. At least, not today, Ben decides. Not without the letters. He’ll get them from the archives on Monday, making copies of all of them. _Then_ he’ll tell Gwil. It will be better if he has the letters with him; he’ll be able to distract Gwil with that, so hopefully Ben won’t have to answer as many questions.

That’s it, Ben decides. He’ll get the letters. He’ll come back on Monday night after work, even leave early, and go _straight_ to Gwil’s. He’ll call him from outside and tell him he has a surprise for him and Gwil will hurry down to let him in, and Ben will show him the letters, and Gwil will actually _smile_ for once. He’ll pull Ben into a hug and thank him for the letters. And maybe Gwil will read them in front of Ben, in the living room, letting Rami go through them afterward. Or maybe he’ll hide away in his room, coming out only once he’s done. But he’ll read them, and not only will he be so happy just to have them, he’ll thank Ben for bringing them to him.

Maybe it will be enough to make Gwil love him. Ben’s stomach twists. That’s _not_ why he’s doing this, he tells himself. He’s doing it because it’s the right thing to do. The letters are Gwil’s.

But, Ben thinks, he knows that’s not really true. If it were the right thing to do, Ben would just tell Gwil tonight, without the letters in hand. He’d risk everything, risk Gwil hating him forever, to do it. And Ben can’t. He won’t. He…he wants Gwil to be happy. He wants Gwil to have the letters. But he also wants to know that he and Gwil still have a chance. Sometime, somehow. He can’t ruin this.

Ben changes his clothes and walks back out into the flat, looking over at Joe.

“Still good?” Joe asks, and Ben just nods.

 _No_ , he thinks. He was never good to begin with. This whole thing is a mistake. He can’t do this. He can’t. But he follows Joe out of the flat anyway.

\+ + + + +

Rami eagerly lets Ben and Joe into the flat, and the first thing that strikes Ben is that Gwil…isn’t here. Where’s Gwil? His stomach twists for a reason he can’t figure out. Surely if Gwil’s not here, that would be better. Easier. But…why isn’t he here? Is he avoiding Ben? Has he somehow found out?

“Hi,” Rami says, giving Ben a quick kiss on the cheek and then moving over to kiss Joe on the lips. “How are you?” Rami asks, looking back at him.

“Brilliant, yeah,” Ben says, nodding as he looks around the flat. “Where’s Gwil?” he asks, trying to sound casual, realizing a moment later that it probably makes him sound not at all excited to see Rami.

“Oh,” Rami shrugs, “I’m surprised you missed him. He’s just down checking the post. I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages! I know you’re probably so chuffed to be back at work but I miss you.”

“That’s what _I_ keep telling him,” Joe says, slinging his arm around Rami’s shoulders, pulling him in. “Get on my side, Rami, convince Ben to quit. He doesn’t need to work. I’ll take care of him. I’ll be his sugar daddy.”

Rami frowns and pulls back at that. “I’m not quite sure I know what that is?” he says uncertainly, and Joe laughs.

“Don’t worry about it,” Joe says. “But hey, I can be your sugar daddy too.”

Rami smiles nervously and looks over at Ben. “Is it a sex thing?” he asks.

Ben snorts and smiles. “It’s a Joe thing, ignore him, he’s just being a berk.” 

“Alright,” Rami says. 

Ben smiles and reaches out, pulling Rami into another quick hug. "Sorry," he says softly, "I miss you too."

Rami pulls back, a huge smile on his face. "Good," he says, nodding. “Well, I wasn’t sure what we wanted for dinner, but Gwil went ahead and made what he thought you’d like."

“Which is?” Joe asks, looking around.

“Uh, chicken and colcannon."

It feels like the whole world has faded away, or just paused for a moment, and Ben swallows hard. He clenches his hands into fists, trying to keep them from shaking. “That’s, uh, that’s—” He just shakes his head.

“Do you not want it?” Rami asks, concerned. “Surely we can order in instead, Gwil and I can just eat it tomorrow, or—”

“No,” Ben says quickly, clearing his throat. “No, that’s lovely. I…really like that meal, actually. Gwil and I— it’s uh, the day I cooked for him. That’s what I made.” He looks over at Joe, who’s watching him back, a look on his face that Ben can barely describe. It’s like…Joe gets it now. Why Ben still loves him. Why he can forgive him. Joe can see that there’s still a good piece in Gwil. He's _trying_. And Ben’s going to fuck it all up.

“Oh, maybe that’s why he bought Smarties for pudding,” Rami says, and Ben makes a noise, like a whimper, bringing his hand up to his mouth. It’s an apology. It’s more than that, actually. It’s Gwil trying to tell Ben that he wants everything to be back to normal between them. 

“Yeah,” Ben says, nodding. He swallows hard, wishing that Gwil was in the flat with them right now. Then just like that, the door opens behind them and they all look up, watching Gwil walk in, a couple pieces of mail in his hands.

“Hi,” Gwil says, sounding surprised to see them all crowded around the door. “How are you?” he asks.

Ben smiles and nods, reaching up to rub at his eyes. He desperately wants to throw his arms around Gwil and pull him in. “Well, thanks. You?” he asks.

Gwil smiles back. He toes off his shoes and walks over, setting the mail down on the counter. “Fine, yeah. Looking forward to dinner.”

“Me too,” Ben says. “It’s sounds lovely.”

Gwil pauses for a moment, glancing over at Rami. “Oh, he— he told you what we’re having?” he asks. Ben nods. “And it sounds…alright?”

Ben nods again. “It’s perfect,” he says, and Gwil smiles at him.

“What about you, Joe?” Gwil asks suddenly, looking at him.

Joe swallows hard, his jaw tight for moment, and then he sighs. “Yeah, it sounds…pretty good to me too,” he says. Something passes between the three of them; Rami’s the only one who doesn’t understand the significance, and Gwil visibly relaxes.

“Well, it’s almost ready,” Gwil says, “so you can sit down if you’d like, I can get us drinks.”

“Let me help,” Ben says, stepping towards him.

Gwil smiles, shaking his head. “You’re our guest,” he says. “You can sit.”

“No, please,” Ben says, reaching out to brush his hand against Gwil’s arm. “I’d like to help.”

Joe glances over at Rami, who’s watching the two of them intently, and imagines that Rami is thinking the entire thing is rather strange. Rami has no idea what’s transpired between the two of them, so he has no idea what’s being fixed. Joe feels a little ill, wondering if he’ll ever be able to talk to Rami about this, or if Ben and Gwil will insist on keeping it a secret forever. “Let’s sit then,” Joe says quietly, and he almost has to drag Rami away from the two of them, he’s watching them so closely.

Joe and Rami take their seats, sitting across from each other instead of beside each other, and then Ben helps Gwil pour drinks, carrying them over to the table while Gwil starts getting the food ready to serve. 

Ben smiles up at Gwil, watching him plate the chicken, and feels a warm flush on his cheeks when Gwil smiles back at him.

They all take their seats, Ben next to Rami, Gwil next to Joe, and start digging in. Ben tastes the chicken and falters a bit, realizing that Gwil must have remembered the spices and seasonings almost exactly, it’s so similar.

“Is it good?” Gwil asks, looking across the table at Ben. He looks hopeful.

Ben just nods. “It’s really lovely, yes, thank you.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty great,” Joe mutters reluctantly, taking another bite.

“I think it’s delicious,” Rami says happily, taking a drink.

Gwil smiles and takes another bite of his own, chewing before taking a drink, then looking back over at Ben. “So how has work been?” he asks.

“It’s alright, yeah,” Ben says, nodding. “Just trying to keep busy, really.”

“What have you been doing?” Gwil asks.

Ben inhales sharply, coughing a bit as his drink catches in his throat. Rami reaches over to pat him on the back a couple of times, rubbing between his shoulder blades while Ben catches his breath. He was hoping he could avoid being asked that. “Nothing, really,” he says, shaking his head. “I don’t know.” He sounds like a bloody idiot, he knows it. He can’t come up with a better thing to say.

Gwil gives Ben an awkward smile. “Well, then why do you go to work everyday?” he asks, teasing.

Ben shrugs. He wants the conversation to end. He doesn’t want to talk about work. He wants it to just be about them, and not his stupid job and the stupid archives. “It wouldn’t be interesting to you, I’m sure,” he says, hoping Gwil will stop.

Gwil frowns. “What do you mean?” he asks.

Ben pauses for a moment, looking at the other three, and he shrugs. “I’m sure nothing I do is interesting to a scientist,” he says quietly.

“I think your work is interesting,” Rami says quickly. “It’s important.”

“Right, thanks,” Ben says. “I don’t know, really. I’ve just been— going over things, really. Trying to catch up. Answer emails. People asking about our funding, the government. I don’t know, really. None of it seems as important as it used to.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Gwil says.

“I’ve got to have a smoke,” Ben says, quickly pushing his chair back from the table. He barely even looks back as he goes out to the balcony.

“Alright,” Joe says, waving as Ben hurries off.

“That was a bit strange,” Rami says, glancing over at Joe.

“Yeah, I know, right?” Joe says. “I don’t know.” He looks over at Gwil though, who just looks away.

Gwil knows that he and Ben need to talk soon, _actually_ talk, instead of just small snippets of conversation they have before Ben tells him he’s alright and walks away. It’s as obvious to him as it is to anyone that what he’s done has hurt Ben more than even he thought, and even more than Ben is willing to admit to. He thought that everything had seemed just fine a couple minutes ago, but now, he’s not really that sure.

Ben comes back in after a moment, settling back in at the kitchen table, and gives them all a smile. “Sorry about that,” he says. “I, uh, sorry. Work just isn’t what I expected, so I didn’t really know what to say. It’s a bit odd without all of you around, is what I mean.” He takes a drink. “What about you, Rami? Picked any universities yet?” he asks.

Rami shrugs, chewing for a moment. “I’m looking at a few,” he says. “I don’t know, really. I could go anywhere, you know. Here, or London, or—” he pauses for a moment, digging into his food. “Well, anywhere.”

“I think you should go wherever you want,” Ben says. “Anywhere, you're right. The whole world is yours, Rami.” He looks up at Gwil. “Both of you, really.”

“But sometimes,” Joe says, “here is better.”

Ben smiles and rolls his eyes. “Sure, fine,” he says. “If you need any help, I don’t know, I could— I could find out which engineering programs the IIS prefers, if you’d like.”

“Yes, please,” Rami says.

Ben smiles. “And, Gwil? I could— well, I don’t know really if you plan on…working for the IIS again, but you know I can help you too.”

Gwil nods. “Yes, thank you,” he says. “I’m still a little less sure than Rami, I think. I don’t know, really.”

“Do you want to teach again?” Ben asks.

Gwil shrugs. “I do,” he says. “But…who’d want to learn from me? Some old man, doesn’t know anything about the world.”

Rami laughs softly. “Gwil, _anybody_! You’re a brilliant professor.” He looks between Joe and Ben. “Really. I’ve seen him lecture and he’s fantastic. He makes everything so interesting.”

“Besides,” Joe says, taking a deep breath, “I mean, come on. You’re part of Project Mercury. _Everybody_ would want to take a course from you. You’d be the best professor ever.”

Gwil looks at Joe, surprised to hear a compliment from him. “Well, thank you,” he says. “I don’t know. Maybe I should keep…thinking about it.”

“Well, you still have forever,” Ben says. “Universities aren’t going anywhere. You could just teach at the IIS, if you wanted. You both could, I’m sure. Besides…” Ben swallows hard. “You’re not just some old man. And you know a lot about the world. I think you two have done really well in the last few months. You’ve adjusted so quickly to everything. But Joe’s right too, I mean, everybody would want their teacher to be a time traveler. Who’d turn that down? Even if you were rubbish, but like Rami said, I’m sure— I’m sure you’re not.”

“Thank you,” Gwil says, and Ben can feel his foot nudging against his under the table.

Ben smiles, then looks down at his food again. “You’re welcome,” he says softly.

\+ + + + +

When Gwil hands out the packages of Smarties for dessert, Joe rolls his eyes a bit, insisting that M&Ms are better, but the other three just tell him to quiet down and stop being so foolish, of _course_ Smarties are better. They eat and laugh and for awhile, everything seems to be back to normal. Like it was. Even Ben’s thoughts are barely on the letters, just on being with his three best mates again. It feels like it used to.

They move into the living room, where Joe convinces them all that they should _finally_ watch _The Shape of Water_ , and Ben reluctantly agrees, figuring it can be the price he pays for Joe keeping his mouth shut to Rami about him and Gwil.

“I’ll get us more drinks,” Rami says, heading back into the kitchen.

“This is such a strange film,” Ben says quietly, looking over at Gwil, who’s sat in the chair next to the sofa.

“I can’t wait,” Gwil says, leaning forward a bit. “I feel like this is finally going to explain a lot about Joe to me, if this is one of his favourite films.”

Ben laughs and nods, resting on the arm of the sofa, so that there’s only a few inches separating him and Gwil.

Rami comes in a couple drinks in his hands, handing one to Joe and one to Ben, then disappears back into the kitchen for a moment. He has two more drinks in his hands, and a piece of mail tucked under his arm.

“What's that?” Ben asks.

“It’s from Nelly,” Rami says, carefully opening the envelope. “She said she misses writing letters, and I told her I like getting them.”

Ben smiles. “Perfect match then.”

“I’m sorry, there’s going to be _reading_ during my movie?” Joe asks, looking around in mock outrage. “People, come on.”

“Ugh, fine,” Rami says, setting his letter down. “I’ll save it just in case the film is boring.” He gives Joe a cheeky grin and then kisses him on the nose.

“It won’t be boring,” Joe says, “you’re going to love it.”

“I’m not sure about that,” Rami says, laughing, “but alright.”

“We all good?” Joe asks, looking around.

“Yes, Joe, god, start your film,” Ben says.

The four of them settle in, three of them crowded together on the sofa, Gwil in the chair next to them, and Ben finds himself wishing there was enough room for Gwil to join them. Or enough room on the chair for Ben to join him. Ben feels himself start to heat up a little when the main character starts masturbating less than five minutes into the movie, and Rami laughs softly, a bit surprised.

“Oh, it’s one of _those_ films,” Gwil says, looking over at them, grinning.

“I like that they live above a cinema,” Rami says, looking at Joe. “That would be lovely.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks. “Well, maybe someday then.” He smiles and gives Rami a quick kiss.

Ben watches Rami and Joe together for a moment before swallowing hard and looking away. He brings his hand up, as though he’s scratching at his head, but it also just lets him block them out for a moment or two. He loves them both, but he just _can’t_ right now.

\+ + + + +

As the credits start, Gwil looks over when he hears Rami sniffle softly, and he smiles. “Really?” he asks. “You alright?”

“Stop it,” Rami says, wiping at his face. “That was sad.”

“It’s not sad!” Joe protests. “It was happy! They had a happy ending.”

“Everything before that was sad, though,” Rami says. “It was lovely, though.”

“Yeah, you liked it?” Joe asks, and Rami nods.

“I did, yes,” Rami smiles.

Ben looks over at Gwil, a knowing look on his face. “Gwil?” he asks.

Gwil just smiles back. “It was uh, she really shagged that fish, yeah?”

“Oh my god you two,” Joe mutters, standing up. "No appreciation for art!" He collects their empty drinks and walks back into the kitchen. “Ooh, what’s this?”

“What is it?” Rami asks, leaning forward.

Joe walks back into the living room, a thick envelope in his hand. “It’s from the IIS,” he says, handing it over to Gwil. “Looks important.”

Ben frowns, studying the envelope as Gwil takes it from Joe. 

“What’s wrong?” Gwil asks, shifting in his seat.

“What?” Ben asks, looking up at him. “Oh, nothing, I just— I don’t know what that is,” he says hesitantly, looking at the envelope. “Nobody told me they were sending you anything.”

Gwil shrugs. “Feels thick,” he says.

“Open it,” Rami says. “Maybe it’s a letter— or um, a contract! Like for you to come work for them again.”

Gwil rolls his eyes. “I doubt that very much, Rami. Why wouldn’t they send you one then?”

Rami shrugs. “Maybe they don’t need another engineer,” he says softly.

“I doubt very much they need an astrobotanist,” Gwil says. “It’s probably nothing at all. An invoice covering a hundred years of expenses I owe them. Who knows.” He doesn’t make a move to open it, and then Joe sighs, playfully grabbing it back from Gwil’s hands, holding it triumphantly above his head. 

“Maybe now _I_ want to know what it is,” Joe says. 

“Joe, stop,” Ben says, reaching out to him.

“Oh, I don’t care,” Gwil says, waving his hand dismissively between them. “He can open it.” He takes a drink, looking up at Joe expectantly. “Well?” he asks.

Joe turns the envelope over a couple times, and then starts to open it. “If I were a betting man, I would guess…” he pauses, thinking. “Report on the plants you brought back. Rami?”

“I still say contract,” Rami says.

Joe turns to Ben, raising his eyebrows a bit.

Ben just shakes his head. “I don’t know,” he says softly. But he’s unsettled by the size of the envelope. It looks just big enough to fit…

Joe pulls out a piece of paper on IIS letterhead, and a black leather portfolio, setting the envelope down on the table behind him. 

“Oh, what’s that?” Rami asks eagerly, looking up at Joe.

“Not sure,” Joe says, looking at the portfolio. He opens it, sees it’s filled with pieces of paper, and then hands it over to Gwil. 

“What’s that say then?” Rami asks, gesturing towards the piece of paper Joe’s still holding.

Gwil turns the portfolio over in his hands, about to open it when Joe starts reading.

“Uh, blah blah blah, property of Gwilym Lee, found in the archives at Perth Space Operations Centre…” Joe skims the letter, going through it quickly. “Uh, letters,” he says. “It says they’re letters.” He holds it out to Gwil.

Gwil frowns, reaching out to take the paper from Joe, reading it.

“What’s it say?” Rami asks.

Gwil reads over the paper, reaching up to push his hair back a bit from his forehead. “Uh, it’s from the archivist. It says that these are letters that were supposed to be sent to London with the rest, but they didn’t realize they had them until…” He stops reading and looks over at Ben.

Ben swallows hard, shrinking back a bit, trying to get closer to Rami.

“Until?” Rami asks.

“Until,” Gwil starts again, looking back down at the paper, “Ben Hardy, volunteer for Project Mercury, found them.” He looks up again. “What’s that mean?” he asks.

Ben just shakes his head. “Nothing, it— it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Well, why does it say that then?” Gwil asks. “Letters? Why— how’d you find more letters? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Ben shakes his head again. “I don’t— I didn’t— I— uh.” He clenches his fists. He’s going to throw up, he knows it. “Uh, it was…a surprise,” he decides. “I— I was trying to wait until I could get them for you. They wouldn’t let me take them out. I didn’t realize they were going to mail them to you. Uh…sorry. I wanted—”

“You could have told me,” Gwil says, “and then I could have gone to the archives with you. To read them.”

“Right, I know,” Ben says. “I just— after everything, I— well, I…don’t know, really. I…”

“Who are they from?” Rami asks.

Gwil looks at Ben, but Ben doesn’t say anything. So Gwil finally, carefully opens the portfolio, balancing it in his hands. He looks down at the first piece of paper, immediately recognizing the handwriting. His hands start to shake as he stares down at it, not even reading the words, just seeing the familiar swirls and the way Roger dotted his I’s and J’s. Everything with a flourish. Gwil doesn’t know whether to smile or cry. He makes a quiet noise. All he’s seen of Roger in the last year is the letter he wrote to Gwil in his journal before he left. These…he doesn’t know what these are. He looks at the date on the first page; April 1939. Gwil’s stomach twists.

“What are these?” he asks, voice tight.

“Letters,” Ben says again.

“From _Roger_ ,” Gwil says, looking up.

“Roger?” Rami asks, springing up from the sofa, hurrying over to Gwil, leaning over his shoulder to look down at them. Even Joe looks interested.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Gwil demands.

“I— I told you,” Ben says. “It was— I was waiting—”

“Waiting for _what_?” Gwil asks. “You were waiting for? Ben, these are letters from _Roger_ , you should have told me.”

Ben nods. “I know that, I know, I just—”

“Just _what_?” Gwil asks, starting to sound angry, and Rami reaches out, his hand on Gwil’s shoulder. “Were you hiding them?”

“What?” Ben asks loudly. He looks up at Joe, who’s watching him back, an unsure look on his face. “Uh, no! Don’t— are you joking? Of course not.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me about them?” Gwil asks. “When did you find them?”

Ben shakes his head. “Uh— uh…” He falters. “Does it…say?”

“ _Does it say_?” Gwil echoes. “When did you find them, Ben?”

“Not that long ago!” Ben says. “It was just— uh, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Gwil asks. “What are you talking about? Ben, when did you find these? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Uh,” Ben shakes his head. “Uh, last— uh, last week. Or, eh…yes, last week.”

“Last week?” Rami asks softly, and he steps back as Gwil quickly stands up out of the chair.

“Why’d you keep them from me for over a week?” Gwil demands, leaning over Ben.

“Stop,” Joe says, reaching out to grab Gwil, who just shakes him off.

“I didn’t _keep_ them from you,” Ben says. He feels uncomfortable with Gwil using the advantage of his height over him, so he moves away from him on the sofa, and then stands up, staying a few feet back. “I told you, I was—”

“You copied my letters for me,” Gwil says. “You stole a journal for Rami! And you hid these letters? Why?”

“I didn’t _hide_ them!” Ben says. “I just— I gave them back! To the— the archivist. Gwil, I really think you’re overreacting, if you just let me—”

“Why?” Gwil asks, taking a step forward. “Why _these_ letters?”

“Because they’re from Roger!” Ben exclaims. “Because I knew— and because I didn’t—” He groans loudly. “I was going to tell you.”

“When?” Gwil asks. “In a week? Or two?”

“Monday,” Ben says. “Well, I was going to tell you today, but then— Monday. I was going to get you copies on Monday.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when you found them?” Gwil demands again.

“I didn’t want you to see them!” Ben says finally, immediately looking away when he realizes what’s come out of his mouth.

“Ben,” Joe says softly in disbelief.

“I—” Ben looks around desperately. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” Gwil asks. “My letters, letters to me from Roger, and you didn’t want me to _see_ them? How dare you! They're not yours!"

“Stop, Gwil,” Rami says. “Maybe— maybe let him explain, he has a good reason, I’m sure.”

“You're on his side?" Gwil asks.

Rami scoffs. “I’m not on his side, I’m just saying, let him talk, let him tell you. He’s never done anything like this before, I’m sure he has his reasons.”

Ben looks at Rami thankfully, but it only lasts for a moment before Gwil steps forward and Ben nervously steps back.

“Did you read them?" Gwil asks.

“What?” Ben asks.

“Did you read them?" Gwil asks again.

“Well,” Ben swallows hard, “no.”

Gwil raises his eyebrows, and Ben looks away.

“I didn’t!” Ben exclaims. “Not— not _all_ of them.”

“How many?” Rami asks.

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know,” he replies.

“Most of them?” Gwil asks. 

Ben sighs. “I…guess so, probably, yes.”

Gwil scoffs. “So you’ve invaded my privacy then. These are _private_ letters written to me, by Roger, and you _read_ them? You had no right! They weren’t for you!”

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Ben says. 

Gwil just shakes his head and takes a step towards Ben.

“Gwil, watch it,” Joe says, trying to get in between the two of them.

Gwil looks at him. “Did you know?” he demands, stepping closer to Joe, invading his space.

“Gwil,” Rami says, reaching out carefully to Gwil, but Gwil just pushes his hand away.

“Hey,” Joe says sharply, and he reaches out to Gwil this time, but Gwil just pushes him away, and Joe stumbles back a bit. “Don’t,” Joe says, raising his hand.

“Please,” Ben says, hurrying forward, getting between Gwil and Joe. “Stop it. He— he didn’t know. I didn’t tell him, please.”

“You didn’t tell him,” Gwil repeats. “Like I believe that, you only tell each other _everything_.”

“I swear,” Ben says. “Gwil, please.” He looks up at him. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” Gwil says. “You— you’re _sorry_?”

“I—” Ben just shakes his head. “I didn’t mean to, Gwil, I just—”

“You’re fucking jealous,” Gwil says, and he steps towards him again. He ignores Rami reaching out to grab his arm. “Admit it. Admit it! You were mad at me and you found those letters and you were so fucking happy to keep them hidden from me.”

Ben quickly shakes his head. “ _No_ , Gwil, that’s not why, I swear! I— but _yes_ I’m jealous, of course I am, I mean, why shouldn’t I be? After what you did to me, I—”

“What?” Rami says suddenly, looking up at Gwil. The three of them look over at him, all remembering at that moment that Rami has no idea what had happened between Gwil and Ben. “What did you do to him?” he asks, confused.

Ben opens his mouth to answer but then Gwil just quickly steps forward, shoving him back, cutting him off.

“Gwil!” Rami says, tugging on Gwil’s arm. “What did you do?”

“It’s not about what _I_ did,” Gwil says, looking back at him. “He—”

“They slept together,” Joe says quickly, and Ben and Gwil both look over at him in shock, Ben looking sad, Gwil looking angry. “On Roger’s birthday. Only…” Joe swallows hard, averting his eyes. “Ben didn’t know that part.”

“What?” Rami asks, stepping back from Gwil, dropping his hand. “You— what?” he asks again.

“Shut up, Joe, this doesn’t concern you,” Gwil says, ignoring Rami.

“You’re about to beat up my best friend, so yeah, I think it _concerns_ me,” Joe says, rolling his eyes. 

“What do you mean, Ben didn’t know?” Rami asks. “What— Gwil, I— you slept with Ben? On Roger’s birthday?” He looks between them. “You slept together? But you...didn't tell me."

"No," Gwil says softly.

Rami bites down on his lip. "And then…Ben found out. When I realized I’d missed it.” He looks at Ben again, swallowing hard. “You didn’t cut yourself.”

Ben shakes his head. “No, I didn’t,” he admits.

“That’s why you were so upset,” Rami says softly. He takes another step back from them all. “And you knew,” he says, looking at Joe. “You knew they slept together?”

Joe sighs. “Yes, I did, but—”

“And _you_ didn’t tell me,” Rami says, turning to Gwil, looking up at him. “You— you’re my best mate and you didn’t tell me.”

“It doesn’t matter!” Gwil snaps, and Rami flinches back.

“No, of course not,” Ben says softly. “Of course it doesn’t matter, because I don’t matter. Not to you. You missed your pretty blond boyfriend on his birthday so you went out and found a new one and you pretended to care about me and you never gave a _shit_ , you were just lonely and wanted a shag and then you _left_ and then I found out days later that it was Roger’s birthday! You’re an arsehole, Gwil.”

“Don’t you fucking turn this around on me,” Gwil says. “I _apologized_.”

“So?” Ben asks. “So am I! I’m _sorry_! I was going to tell you.”

“When?” Gwil asks.

“Today! Like I said!”

“Convenient,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “After I found out, of course it was today.”

“It _was_ ,” Ben insists. “I’ve felt so guilty since, I had to tell you, I knew you’d be angry but I knew it was wrong. But it wasn’t because of Roger, Gwil, it was because of you! I— those letters, they’re— Gwil, if you read them, they’re going to break your heart.”

“That’s not your decision to make!” Gwil yells. “It’s mine! They’re _mine_!” He shakes his head furiously. “I’m going to bloody murder you, you— you _maggot_ ,” Gwil says, taking another step forwards, and he’s stopped by Rami’s hand on his arm and Joe’s hand on his chest.

“Gwil, I’m sorry,” Ben says again, raising his arm up to defend himself.

Gwil snorts. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “I can’t believe you found them, and you _read_ them, and you _hid_ them from me. You’re just jealous. You’re jealous that I love Roger and not you—”

“But you _do_ love him,” Rami says, and he looks away from the look Gwil gives him.

“You’re fucking dead to me, mate,” Gwil says, turning back to Ben. “I don’t want you anywhere _near_ me.”

“I know,” Ben says softly, shifting so that he’s standing a bit behind Joe.

“Those are my letters,” Gwil says. “You know how much I miss him. How much I love him. How much I would _kill_ for something like that from him. And you hid it from me. So that you wouldn’t be lonely, so that you could feel better about yourself. You pretend to care, that you want to help me, but if you really did...these are my letters, Ben. You’re a selfish arsehole. No wonder your family wants nothing to do with you—”

“Hey!” Joe says, raising his hand. “Gwil, watch it.”

“No wonder you’re fucking alone,” Gwil continues, ignoring Joe. “You’re selfish, you’re a _child_ , no one can stand to be around you!”

“Gwil, that’s enough,” Rami says.

Gwil turns to him. “What if he’d hid Sami’s journal from you?” he asks. “Would you be telling me to leave him alone then? If you found out he knew something about the person you loved most in the world, and kept it from you? I surely don’t think so, Rami.”

“But he didn’t,” Rami says. “He gave me my journal.”

“Because he’s not obsessed with you,” Gwil says. “He’s jealous. He’s sad, and pathetic.”

“ _Gwil_ ,” Rami says insistently. “Leave him alone, he’s apologized.”

“Stop siding with him!”

“I’m not!” Rami says. “But Gwil, stop, you’re just being cruel. Gwil, you lied to me.”

Gwil takes a deep breath, and pauses for a moment. “Rami, I’m—”

“And you lied to him too,” Rami continues. “Gwil, you can’t just treat people like that. On Roger’s _birthday_!”

Gwil groans loudly to the point that it almost turns into a scream. “Of course you’re on his side! You’ll do anything to make Joe happy!”

“Hey!” Joe says. “Jesus, Gwil, _stop_. Okay, just stop? Shut up for a goddamn minute. You don’t know whose side I’m on. Just leave him alone. Fucking hell.”

“Shut up, Joe,” Gwil says. “Did you know?” he asks again.

“No, I didn’t,” Joe says. “And I’m pretty fucking disappointed with Ben myself, but I’ve been disappointed with you for a _lot_ longer; you’re an asshole.”

Gwil scoffs and rolls his eyes. “I don’t give a shit what you think of me.”

“Fine,” Joe says. “Like I give a shit. You’re nothing to me, except annoying. Get the fuck away from me and my friend.”

“Please stop,” Ben says, reaching out to tug at Joe’s wrist. “Okay, come on. I— he’s right,” he says. 

“Ben, no, he’s not,” Joe says softly, turning towards him. “He can’t just say those things about you.”

Ben shakes his head. “He’s right,” he says again. “I am jealous. I told myself I hid them so that they wouldn’t upset Gwil, but the truth is I knew— I can’t compete with Roger. That’s why I didn’t want Gwil to see them.”

“Ben,” Joe says softly.

“You son of a bitch,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “You fucking arsehole.”

“I’m sorry,” Ben says. He sniffles and reaches up to wipe at his eyes, and Gwil just scoffs again.

“Don’t you fucking dare _cry_ right now,” Gwil says, shaking his head.

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Ben says again. “But good. I’m glad you got them. Read them. See what he said. It’s not going to make you feel any better.”

“I don’t think I could feel any worse,” Gwil says, “you bloody traitor. Did you ever even care about me? Really?”

It’s Ben’s turn to scoff. “I _love_ you. And I told you. And you left. So don’t act so bloody high and mighty, mate. You’re— I’m sorry. But…” He sniffles and shakes his head. “Fine. I’m done.” He lets out a shaky breath and then turns and walks away. He goes to the door and quickly puts his shoes on, then hurries out of the flat, leaving the door open behind him.

Joe and Rami are left looking at each other, the tension between the three of them high. Neither of them want to make the first move, worried about setting Gwil off. And honestly, Joe has zero interest in being around Gwil any longer, but he doesn’t want to leave Rami alone with him.

“Did you know?” Rami asks, looking at Joe.

Joe shakes his head. “No, believe me, I— Ben didn’t say anything.”

Gwil rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Nobody believes that. Ben tells you everything.”

“Like I give a _shit_ about what you believe, Gwil,” Joe snaps. “You don’t get to fucking talk to Ben like that, I don’t care what he did. You have _no_ idea the shit he’s been through, so you can just shut your mouth.”

“But you knew they slept together,” Rami says quietly.

Joe and Gwil both turn to look at Rami, and Joe nods. “I did, yeah,” he says softly. “Ben told me, but he asked me not to tell. I’m really sorry, Rami.”

Rami bites down on his lip and nods once. “Well, then,” he says, shifting on his feet.

“It wasn’t my place to tell,” Joe says.

“It’s fine,” Rami says, taking a step back from him, and Joe gets the pretty clear impression that it is _not_ fine.

“Babe, I’m sorry,” Joe says. “I— I wanted to tell you, but Ben was so upset, and embarrassed, and then— it wasn’t my secret to share.” Rami doesn’t say anything, and Joe sighs, shaking his head. What he wants to remind Rami is that Gwil, his _best friend_ , didn’t tell him either. “I—” he swallows hard, looking back and forth between the door and Rami. “I don’t know what to do,” he admits quietly.

“Get out,” Gwil snaps. 

Joe looks at Rami, who doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even look at him, and Joe just nods jerkily, going over to the door. He grabs his shoes, slipping them on, and then looks back at them again.

“ _Now_ ,” Gwil says, and Joe waits to see if Rami will finally say something, but he doesn’t, so he just leaves. He doesn’t bother waiting for the lift, just hurries down the stairs, pushing open the doors of the building. He glances around, but doesn’t see Ben. He’s not sure how he moved that quickly, he didn’t have _that_ much of a head start. Joe steps out on the sidewalk, looking around desperately. He doesn’t see him, which means that Ben turned somewhere pretty quickly. Joe darts to the right and then hurries to the corner. “Ben!” he calls, starting to run after him.

Ben just picks up the pace, hands shoved in his pockets, head down.

“Ben, stop!” Joe says. 

Ben turns another corner and ducks into an alleyway between two buildings, and Joe hurries after him. When Joe turns the corner, he looks around before realizing that Ben’s sitting on the ground, tucked against the wall of one of the buildings, face red, cheeks wet. He sighs and hurries over, sitting down next to Ben. “Ben,” he says softly.

Ben doesn’t reply, just stares ahead, taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself down.

"Ben, talk to me," Joe says, resting his hand on Ben's knee.

"I can't," Ben says softly, his voice rough.

“Ben, why did you do it?” Joe asks, and Ben shakes his head. 

“I don’t know,” Ben says.

“That’s not true,” Joe says. “No secrets, remember? Did you do it to hurt him?”

“I don’t know,” Ben replies. “I’m not lying, I— I don’t know anymore. I thought it was because I didn’t want him to get hurt, I— reading those letters hurt _me_ , Joe, he’s— they’re going to destroy him. I couldn’t put him through it. But…yeah, a part of me is jealous, and just…how am I supposed to compete with him?” His voice breaks and his shoulders start to shake with his cries.

“You’re not,” Joe says softly. “Ben, Roger’s been dead for like, seventy years, okay? You can’t. Gwil misses him, and he only remembers the good things. But you’re _here_. Okay? Roger’s not. If it was supposed to work out, it would. I just…I can’t believe you hid them from him.”

“I know,” Ben says. “I was going to tell him though. I know how that sounds, but I _was_. I— I’ve felt so guilty, I just…I was going to tell him today.” He blows out his breath. “It doesn’t matter anymore. He hates me. He— and he should.”

“He’s no saint either,” Joe says.

Ben snorts. “That doesn’t matter. He didn’t deserve that. I knew how much those letters would mean to him, and I kept them from him. Everything he said, it’s true. All of it.”

“No, it’s not,” Joe says. “Ben, he was angry, and cruel. And he doesn’t know you, okay? _I_ know you.”

Ben shakes his head. “They’re not just to him, though.” He sniffles loudly. “They’re to Rami too. About him, about Sami. I didn’t— I didn’t just hurt Gwil, I hurt Rami.”

Joe moves back a bit at that, studying Ben as he cries in front of him. Finally, Joe sighs, and reaches out to him again. “Ben,” he says softly. “Ben, I— this wasn’t a good thing, okay? You did a bad thing, but— you’re not that person. Those things he said. You’re not alone, okay, you have me.”

Ben shakes his head, wiping at his face. “My parents don’t speak to me,” he says. “They don’t need me.”

“Ben,” Joe says.

“They don’t love me,” Ben continues. “Nobody loves me. Not my family, not Gwil, not Pau—”

“ _I_ love you,” Joe insists, squeezing Ben’s arm. “And fuck everybody else. Okay? Ben, he was trying to hurt you. It’s not true, none of it.” He wraps his arm around Ben and pulls him in, shifting on the uncomfortable ground. “I…”

“Please don’t,” Ben says, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “I know. I know it was wrong. I feel so terrible.”

“Okay,” Joe says. “It’s okay.” They sit there on the ground together for awhile, until their legs start to hurt and their backs get stiff, but they still don’t move. Not until Ben’s crying finally stops, and his breathing has calmed. That’s when Joe pushes himself up, then leans down to carefully help Ben to his feet. Ben wavers a bit as Joe helps him dust off the dirt from his legs, and then Joe wraps his arm around Ben’s waist, helping lead him back to their flat.

\+ + + + +

When Rami comes out of the bathroom, after having washed the tears from his face and taking several deep breaths to try to calm himself, he finds Gwil at the kitchen table, staring down at the portfolio, closed in front of him. He pulls out the chair next to him and carefully sits down, reaching out to take Gwil’s hand. Gwil tenses, but doesn’t pull away, so Rami shifts a bit closer. “Are you going to read them?” he asks softly.

“I don’t know,” Gwil admits. “What Ben said—”

“Ignore what he said,” Rami says. “Do you want to read them?” he asks.

Gwil pauses a moment, and then nods. “I’m scared of what they say,” he says softly. “What if he says he hated me? That he blames me for leaving?”

Rami nods, squeezing Gwil’s hand. “It’s okay to be scared,” he says, “but Roger loved you, I know he did. He would never say anything like that.”

Gwil nods, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. His shoulders start to shake as he tries to stifle his cries, but eventually his hot tears spill over his cheeks.

“Oh, Gwil,” Rami says softly, wrapping his arm around Gwil’s shoulders, pulling him in. “It’s alright,” he says softly, rubbing his back. “It’s alright.”

Gwil nods and whimpers, burying his face in Rami’s shirt as he continues to cry. He’s crying for the letters, and for Roger, but he’s crying with what he did to Ben too. What he said to him, how he hurt him. He feels so ashamed, and he knows that he’ll regret it soon enough. But right now, he’s just angry. Tired and angry. He just keeps crying.

\+ + + + +

“Do you want to sleep with me?” Joe asks, leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom as Ben wipes at his splotchy cheeks.

Ben shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything.

“You can, you know,” Joe says. “I don’t mind it, really. It’s kind of nice, actually. You're like a body pillow.” He tries offering Ben a smile, but Ben just shakes his head again. “Ben,” Joe says, straightening up, reaching out to him. “I’m scared to leave you alone,” he admits softly.

Ben looks away for a moment and then turns, launching himself into Joe’s arms, pulling him into a hug. 

“It’s okay,” Joe says, rubbing Ben’s back, “it’s okay. I’m right here, okay?”

Ben just nods, burying his face in Joe’s neck, clutching at him.

“You sure you don’t want to come sleep with me?” Joe asks, and Ben nods again. “You want me to tuck you in?” he asks. Ben shakes his head. “Ben, you can’t get rid of me, okay?” he says. “I’m— don’t try pushing me away. I’m going to take care of you, okay? You’re my best friend.”

“I just want to go to bed,” Ben murmurs, pulling back from Joe. “Okay? I’ll be alright, I won’t do anything, I promise. I just…I’m tired, okay?”

“Okay,” Joe says. His fingers drag over Ben’s back as Ben steps away, heading towards his bedroom. Joe frowns when Ben closes his door all the way, wishing he’d kept it open just a little bit.

\+ + + + +

Joe rolls over and stretches out as he slowly wakes up. He takes a deep breath, wanting to bury his face in his pillows, and then he remembers everything that happened the day before and he lifts his head up. He wonders if Ben is up already. He grabs his phone to see if Rami’s texted him in the night; he’s disappointed when he realizes he has no notifications at all. He wipes at his eyes, closing them for a moment as he tries to figure out how he’s going to handle the day, fuck, the rest of their lives, with this bullshit. He pushes off his blankets and walks across his room. He doesn’t hear Ben moving around in the flat, and assumes he’s probably still in his room, buried under his blankets.

Joe frowns when he sees that Ben’s door is wide open, and he ducks his head in. Ben’s not in there, and his bed is made. “Ben?” he asks. He glances into the bathroom as he walks by the door, but it’s empty too. “Ben?” he calls a bit louder. He walks into the living room, and he’s not there. He looks out on the balcony, but he’s not there either.

Joe freezes for a moment before running back to his room, grabbing his phone. He calls Ben, bouncing up and down nervously on his feet as it rings. “Please pick up, please pick up,” he says desperately, feeling tears starting to spring to his eyes. Ben can’t be gone, everything has to be okay. _Please_ let him be okay. He knew he should have made Ben sleep with him the night before. “Ben!” he cries when he hears him pick up. “Ben, where are you? Ben, please, don’t do anything, don’t hurt yourself. Tell me where you are, please. I’ll be there in a minute, please, Ben, I love you, I—”

“I’m on the way to work, Joe,” Ben says softly. “Don’t worry.”

“Work?” Joe repeats. “On a Sunday? What, Ben, come home, it’s okay. I can make you breakfast, we can talk, whatever you want.”

“I don't want to,” Ben says.

“Why?” Joe asks. “Ben, I’m not angry at you. I’m— I mean, yeah, I— I wish you hadn’t done it, but Ben, come on. We can talk.”

“No, Joe,” Ben says, “we can’t.”

“Why not?” Joe asks. “You can talk to me, you can always talk to me. You’re my best friend.”

“I messed up, Joe,” Ben says. “I don’t deserve you. Or Rami, or anyone.”

“Ben, _please_ ,” Joe pleads with him, “I— I really don’t like how that sounds, you know. I— Ben, please don’t do this, don’t hurt yourself.”

“I’m _not_ ,” Ben insists, “I’m fine.”

“You’re not,” Joe says. “You— god, Ben, it’s so early, what time did you leave?”

“Not long ago,” Ben says. "I'm about halfway there."

“Well, turn the car around and come home,” Joe says. 

“No,” Ben replies.

“Ben, pl—”

“I’m going to stay there,” Ben says.

Joe frowns, pausing. “What?” he asks.

“I’m going to stay there for a bit,” Ben says again. “At the Operations Centre. I’ll…I’m gonna sleep in crew quarters, like we used to. I just need time to think."

Joe scoffs. “Ben, come on. Come home. Just turn around.”

“I’ll call you in a few days,” Ben says. “I have work to do, I’ll be fine.”

Joe shake his head. “Ben, don’t—”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Ben snaps. “Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m better off alone anyway, right? That’s how it used to be.”

“No, Ben,” Joe starts, but Ben just cuts him off.

“I’ll call you,” Ben says. “Don’t worry. I’m sorry, Joe.”

“Why?” Joe asks. “Ben, you don’t need to apologize to me. You didn’t do anything.”

“I made a mess of everything,” Ben says. “Gwil’s angry, I’m sure Rami is too. I’m sorry, alright? I have to go now. I love you.”

“ _Ben_ ,” Joe says desperately.

"Joe?" Ben says.

"Yeah?" Joe asks quickly.

“I know you're going to show up to try and see me,” Ben says. “But don't bother. I won't see you.” Then he hangs up.

Joe drops his hand back down to his side, and it’s all he can do to not let his phone slip from his fingers. Instead, he just clenches his eyes shut and tries not to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • boom, now everybody knows everything, no more secrets!  
> • I know it's angsty as hell and no one seems like they'll ever be happy again.  
> • and eleven chapters left to fix it! I wonder what's still left to happen.  
> • so I understand if you want to give up, but I'm hoping that you don't!  
> • there are still more letters from Roger to come. Ben didn't read them all, after all.


	29. Chapter 29

_Gwil,_

_It’s the strangest thing: every once in awhile, I walk back into the flat and look down at my hand and realize that my ring is missing. I get so worried, imagining where it must have fallen off, or thinking that perhaps I took it off to wash my hands and never put it back on. I start to worry, running through all the places where I’ve been that day, trying to remember the last place and time I saw it._

_Then I remember exactly when I saw it last. And I’m quite chuffed to know that you’re wearing it. That a piece of me is with you all the time. I know you said you’d never take it off. I do sort of hope that’s true. I mean, god, I hope you’re washing your hands, Gwil, but when you’re on the ship with Rami. When you’re examining whatever lovely new type of plant you’ve discovered. ~~When you’re touching yourself~~ When you’re on your way home. You can look at that ring and think of me._

_It’s my favourite ring, you know, but ~~if~~ when you come back, I’ll let you keep it. Only if you’d like. I think I’ll quite like seeing you with it on ~~and nothing else~~_

_God I’m in a cheeky mood today, I don’t quite know why, really. I’ve been quite blue lately, thinking of you, gone, and I miss you so terribly, but I don’t know. Today seems alright, and I can only think of the good things, like how much you love me and I you, and how happy you must be with Rami._

_I don’t pay any attention to all that trouble with the radio. Sami’s not worried either. We trust our two best blokes to take care of it all and manage perfectly well._

_I’m not sure if there is weather where you are (though certainly there is, I suppose, what a silly thing to say, I just can’t imagine what it’s like), but I hope that it’s beautiful, and you’re having the loveliest time. I imagine that it may actually be safer for you there than it will be here soon enough. I’m not sure I like where this is all going, Gwil, I worry so. But I’ll be fine, I’m sure of it, so don’t worry at all. I’ve been so lucky in life so far, I’ve no reason to expect it will change._

_I love you. I hope you’re thinking of me too._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you._

_I’ve written a tune to go with that, I’ll let you have a listen when you get back. And I won’t stand for a single critique, Gwil, I know you love my melodies._

_Melody, wouldn’t that be a lovely name, I think. Never mind._

_All I can think about lately, and I’m quite sure that you’ll be glad to hear it, is you. Of course, you’re always on my thoughts, but truly, the only thing on my mind lately, at work, or at the pictures with Sami, is you and how much I love you. I mentioned something yesterday and Sami laughed and when I asked why, he said, all you do is talk about Gwil now. Well. Of course! What a foolish thing to suggest I shouldn’t._

_I think I shall make a list, top to bottom. I think about your hair. Oh, and your beard, and how it burns so deliciously (I’ll never tell Sami THAT part, though). Your eyes, which are the loveliest blue I’ve ever seen; truly, I didn’t know what blue was until I saw your eyes. It’s like the world was in black and white until I saw you that day at uni, and I heard you laugh. God, your laugh._

_You know, I’m realizing now, should I have been jealous? Up until now, I’ve just been sad that you’ve left, but I can trust you around your crew, can’t I? I can only imagine what they all must be thinking every time they see you. Well, not Rami. He knows better. I hope you aren’t being too flirtatious, you can be an absolute menace when you want to be. And yes, I’m SURE you’ll disagree, but really Gwil, you’re so kind and so beautiful, all you have to do is open your mouth and before the first word is even out the entire room is in love with you. God, I can only imagine how many of your students go home at the end of the day to tell their mates about their biology professor. The idea of it almost makes me laugh. And really, you joke about what my patients must think of me!_

_I can’t wait to watch you read this letter and blush at all the sweet things I’m telling you. Yes, you’re also beautiful when you blush. Now what else, I’ve distracted myself._

_Well, your hands. God, your hands. And everything that you can do with them, and I certainly do mean everything. Well, and your arms. How you can lift me up whenever you’d like, I do enjoy that even though I tell you I don’t. And when you pull me in and hold me close. To dance, or for other things. I’ll leave that bit to your imagination._

_And even though you’re absolutely the loveliest creature I’ve ever seen, you’re also kind, and intelligent, and you have a good heart. Now, don’t mistake me, darling, I think quite highly of myself as well, but even I’m not sure I deserve someone as lovely as you._

_Oh, who am I kidding, of course I do! Now come home soon and give me the snog of your lifetime, Gwilym. I should think it’s the absolute least you could do._

_I’ve been rereading those silly Barsoom books. I do wonder if that’s the sort of thing you’ve found yourself up against, my dear John Carter. Martians and superhuman strength and the like. Wouldn’t that be something._

_Well, I look forward to hearing it when you get back! Please don’t fall in love with a Martian princess while you’re away, I simply won’t stand for it._

_Again, kisses. Yours, R._

__

\+ + + + +

_I don’t know about you, Gwilym, but I’ve certainly not lost hope. There’s certainly nothing to worry about. ~~That’s what I tell myself, anyway~~_

_I will stay strong, and keep the faith. Churchill gave the most wonderful speech in Parliament not long ago, it was in all the papers and on the BBC (oh forgive me, I do suppose you’ve missed the news, Chamberlain’s out, Churchill’s in)_

_Anyway, it did so inspire me. I know he wasn’t speaking about the Mercury, but he said ‘we shall go on to the end, we shall fight with growing confidence, and we shall never surrender.’ Well anyway, I quite like that. Sounds right dramatic that, doesn’t it? Well I suppose if the whole of Britain can stay proud and fight and all those sorts of things men are good for, I can keep my head on and wait another day for you to come home. Because I’m sure that’s all it is, another day._

_I shall go to sleep and wake up to the most wondrous news, I’m sure of it. I’ll see you tomorrow, love._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Well, Gwil, our trips to Cardiff sure aren't going to be like how they used to, and it’s an utter shame. I’ve heard all about it, your brother sent a letter, and so did some of our old school mates. They said the warning sounded during their late tea, and then before they knew it there was an incendiary in the front garden. Can you imagine? It sounds like it was absolutely dreadful. Apparently the Cathedral is an awful, awful mess. I don’t think anyone was killed, but the tombstones were all blown away! Bones everywhere. At least that’s what I heard. Rubble everywhere. I heard hundreds were killed in Grangetown, but so far, nobody we knew._

_I imagine it’s quite a sight to see. Fife and Dundee are quite a mess, although I suppose I’ve already told you about that. Still safe here in Perth, though. I told you, I’m quite lucky! So don’t worry about a thing, I’ll be exactly where I was when you left me._

_~~Although I certainly wouldn’t mind moving when you get back, I’m so terribly bored of Perth when you’re not here~~ _

_Wherever you’d like to live, love, I’ll be there._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil,_

_I think more than anything, I just miss you. I miss us. It isn’t any more complicated than that. I think about the times we would spend in our flat or theirs, the four of us, listening to music and playing games and just being there. I miss who we were when we were together. Laughing with you, and watching Rami and Sami talk their secret language and then argue about something their mother told them and I just miss it. I love Sami, of course I do, but it’s not the same now. What I wouldn’t give for one more hour, the four of us together. You’re my best mates. I need you back. I’m just lonely now._

_Roger_

\+ + + + +

_When you get back, you’ll have every right to tell me I was being foolish and dramatic, but bloody hell, Gwil, I hope you know this isn’t fair. I’m angry at you. More than angry. I almost hate you. I can’t believe you’ve left. You left me. Without a thought or a care for how it would make me feel. You promised me you’d be back. You said it wasn’t forever, that you’d be home in a year. Well, it’s been far longer than that now Gwil, and you’re not back and I’m alone, and how am I supposed to feel?_

_~~I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you~~ _

_How could you do this? Why? The war will be won, and Britain will survive, there was no need for this foolish bloody mission and I wish to hell you were back here with me and I hate that you’re not and are you even still alive? Where are you? Why didn’t you come home? Why did you leave in the first place?_

_~~I don’t ever want to see you again. I’ll be happy to know that you’re home safely but I hate you so much Gwilym, please don’t speak to me.~~ _

_My heart breaks every day thinking of you, Gwil. I go to bed every night, and I cry myself to sleep because today isn’t the day you came back, even though I wanted it to be. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I’ve dreamt of you, so before I realize it, I think perhaps you’re still in bed with me. I’ve completely replaced your side of the bed with pillows, and I like to close my eyes and pretend it’s you._

_You bloody bastard why did you do this? Why did you have to leave me? Why aren’t you home? Please come home, Gwil, please, I miss you. I miss you so much, I love you so much, I need you to come back, I can’t do this without you I don’t know how to be without you anymore, please. Please, love. You’re my everything. Whatever’s happened, just come home, and we’ll be together, I promise._

_But god I’m so angry. And I have every right to be, you know! Perhaps if I’d yelled at you a bit more before you left you would’ve stayed. I don’t care about this stupid mission and your stupid shit or any of your stupid plants on whatever stupid planet you’ve gone to, just come back and be a professor again and we’ll be fine. We’ll be so happy. I never needed you to do any of these, I don’t know who you did it for._

_I’m tired now. As I’ve written this, I’ve stopped to cry and scream too many times, I’ve exhausted myself. You better be home tomorrow, Gwil. Or you’ll get another letter just like this, I’m not joking._

_I miss you, is all. Please, love._

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_I don’t suppose you should want to hear any of this, but Dominique really is the most wonderful woman, Gwil. Note that I say woman, and not person, because as much as I pretend with her, I don’t love her as much as you. I do love her, though. I realized I did when we spent a whole day together and I didn’t think of you once, not once until I was alone at night. And then I remembered that we’re together, and I love you. But then I wonder, are we together? You’ve been so long now, and even though I love you entirely, I don’t know if you’re coming home, or if you’re alive, or if I’ll ever see you again._

_I don’t want to betray you but I don’t want to be alone either, Gwil. She’s so lovely. And she loves me too. She’s beautiful and kind and so smart. I can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with her. I’m so sorry, Gwil. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me._

_I love you,_

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Gwil,_

_I woke up in the middle of the night, for no reason, other than I suddenly realized: I’m the last one left. Now that Sami’s died, it’s just me. It hurts so much that he’s gone, but it hurts all the more because neither you or Rami are here to grieve with me._

_Why did I get left alone? What did I do to deserve it?_

_Roger_

\+ + + + +

_Gwil,_

_As much as I don’t want to face it, or admit it, I think the odds are stacked against you now. I don’t think you’re coming back. I don’t know why, if you died or if something happened with the ship and you’re stuck there, but it’s just been so long. I don’t want to accept it, but I think I have to. And it breaks my heart because I miss you so much, but it’s been so long now. So many years._

_I think the only thing I want now is to know if you knew how much I loved you. How much you meant to me, and how much better I was for knowing you. I hope it made it clear, every day. I hope you never doubted it, or me._

_Because I never doubted it. My love for you, or your love for me._

_You deserved the world. You were my world. I just wanted you to know that. I hope that you know that._

_If I could see you just one last time, all I would do is tell you how loved you were, and how much you deserve to be loved. My greatest comfort is knowing that you’re with Rami, wherever you are. I hope you’re taking care of each other. I hope you’re safe._

_Goodnight, Gwil._

_Love, Rog_

\+ + + + +

_I’m now the proud father of two, Gwil. I have a little girl to go with my little boy. Rory Eleanor, isn’t that a beautiful name? Rory and Felix. I think he’s quite chuffed to be an older brother. He’s old enough now that he can help out. Not much, mind you, but he loves to hold her and ask all sorts of questions about what babies are like. Perhaps he’s got a scientific mind, like you and I. Though god knows if he tells me he wants to study plants of all things, I’ll have to steer him straight._

_I look forward to you coming home, and your children playing with mine. Mine will be a bit older, of course, I don’t expect you’ll settle down right away, but in a few years time, they can all run around together. They’ll be best mates, I just know it. I can’t wait to see it._

_Don’t be long,_

_\- R._

\+ + + + +

_Selfishly, I need you to come home just to tell me that what I’ve done isn’t wrong. To assure me that you’re not angry. Please, Gwil. Was it wrong to marry Dom, to have the children? Some days I don’t think so; it’s not as if I don’t love her. I do. I married the woman I love. And the children are everything to me, more than Dom, even more than you, they’re a part of me that I get to see and hold every day, but then there are moments when I’m alone, or when I feel alone, that it feels like an abyss has opened inside me, demanding that I be swallowed whole for every wrong I’ve done._

_I feel so guilty when I should feel happy. I have the most wonderful family, a better family than I could ever dreamed of having, but we never really ended, Gwil. I can’t keep hope alive that you’ll come back and tell myself it’s alright that I’ve moved on because you’re no longer here. It makes me such a hypocrite; you’re alive when it’s convenient for me. Dead and gone when it’s not._

_Maybe we should have broken up before you left. Maybe we were foolish to say we’d be together forever when you came back. Because now you’re gone and you haven’t returned, but there’s still the chance, no matter what the BIS tells us, so what happens when you knock on my door tomorrow? I can’t just shut you out, but I’m a married man now, and to leave her for you wouldn’t be fair to Dom or the children. At least if we’d broken up, I would know where we stand._

_I do nothing but worry that I’ve disappointed you. That you’ll hate me. And I hate it. I hate myself. The idea that I’ve hurt you, I’m so sorry, Gwil. I’m sobbing now just thinking about it._

_Above all else I just want your safe return. That’s it. Please Gwil._

_I’m so sorry for all the rest. I love you. Please come back. I love you._

_Roger_

\+ + + + +

_Gwilym,_

_I have the most wonderful wife, and the two most beautiful children any man could ever ask for. And my greatest regret is that I’m going to leave this world without seeing you come back to it. Without ever knowing what happened to you. I’d give anything to find out. If you made it to the other planet. If you’re still there. I think that sometimes; that you landed and weren’t able to take off again, but you’re living there, happily. All the food and water you could need. The twenty of you together, a little village. I think that’s the best thing I can imagine._

_I never stopped loving you, Gwil. I know there are times in these letters that I said I hated you, that I was angry at you for leaving me. I know that since I married Dom, you probably think that I fell out of love with you, but I didn’t. I swear I didn’t. I’ve loved you since the day I met you, and I’m going to love you until the day I die. I mean it. You were everything to me, Gwil. I never wanted anything more than to be happy with you. But I also wouldn’t trade my children for anything._

_I know how that must sound. The only way I would’ve had them is if you didn’t come back. Please don’t be angry. I’m not happy you’re gone, Gwil, I never have been. I miss you terribly, and Rami, of course. I know your family misses you. And I’m sure you miss them as well. And me. I’m not happy. But in a way, I am. Because you left, I got to meet my Felix, and my Rory. And they’re the two best people I’ve ever known. They’re certainly all of the best of me. Felix has such dark hair, he looks far more like Dom than me, but Rory is blonde, and all me. She’s so beautiful._

_It’s hard to express everything that you’ve meant to me. Everything that I’ve felt since you left, all those years ago. Decades, actually. I can hardly believe it’s been that long. Sometimes it feels like I was in our flat saying goodbye to you and then I blinked and woke up an old man._

_The world’s changed so much, Gwil. When you come back, you’re going be in for quite a shock. I only wish I was going to be here to see it. I’d give almost anything to see you again. Just to kiss you one last time. Even just hold your hand. I’d trade almost the entire world just to see your face. I love you, Gwil. Never doubt that. Never doubt that you are loved, and missed, and that someone here has been waiting for you._

_~~If~~ ~~when you get to read these letters one day~~_

_I love you. And you love me. And we were happy together. And I’ll never forget you. Please don’t forget me, Gwil. I’d simply hate to be forgotten. But please don’t miss me too much. I was alright. I was happy. I hope that you can be happy too. What’s it all been for if you can’t be happy at the end of it? It sounds awful, but I’d rather find out you were dead than find out you were unhappy for even a minute._

_I hope I never hurt you. I hope I loved you like you deserved to be loved. I hope thoughts of me kept you warm at night. I hope you don’t regret the time we spent together. I hope you come home. I hope you find love again. ~~I hope~~_

_Don’t ever feel like you’ve betrayed me, Gwil. I know now why you left, why you thought it was the best thing. You wanted to help us, to save us. If someone gave me the chance to save my children, I’d do anything for them. Even go on the Mercury. We didn’t know. And I never blamed you, not really. I was angry, but I knew. You loved me. And we’ll meet again. Here or there. I can’t wait to see your beautiful blue eyes. That sounds like heaven._

_~~You were the best thing that ever happened to me~~ _

_~~don’t let me be the best thing that’s ever happened to you~~ _

_Goodbye, Gwilym. Please take care. Be safe._

_Yours forever,_

_Roger_

\+ + + + +

Gwil’s cheeks are starting to itch as the tears dry on his face. He reaches up, wiping at his cheeks. His nose is stuffed, and he just knows it’s running, can feel it on his skin. He closes his eyes, shoulder shaking as he whimpers pathetically, continuing to cry. He twists Roger’s ring around his finger, and just leans his head back against the wall. Every time he thinks he’s calmed just a bit, his tears slowing, he thinks of something Roger said, and he starts sobbing again, even harder.

He has no idea how long he’s been in his room for. Lost all track of time, just getting lost in the letters. He can hear Rami move about the flat occasionally. Every time he nears Gwil’s room, he hopes that Rami will come to the door, and ask him to come out, but of course he doesn’t. Gwil doesn’t blame him. He can only begin to imagine how upset Rami is with him. He’d held Gwil, and let Gwil cry into his shirt for awhile, but he could tell how hesitant Rami was to do so. Could feel how disgusted Rami was with him, and for good reason.

Gwil thinks he got a couple of hours of sleep in the night; he doesn’t remember closing his eyes, though, just opening them. His neck is sore. He could go for a shower.

But somehow, it feels disrespectful to Roger, now that Gwil has these letters, to do anything but read them. Which is foolish. It’s absolutely not what Roger would want; Gwil already knew that, but Roger’s letters have confirmed it all. How much he loved Gwil, yes (and Gwil is desperate to find a way to tell him that _yes_ , he knew, he knew how much Roger cared about him and he never doubted it for a minute), and how much he wanted him to be happy. 

How he wanted him to find love again.

It makes Gwil sick to think that the person Roger’s referring to is the person that Gwil’s hurt more than anyone. Gwil still thinks that Ben was wrong to hide the letters, to _read_ them and then to lie about it. He does feel betrayed, in a way. He doesn’t know if that’s wrong or right or what, but he does. But more than anything, Gwil is just ashamed. He’d never felt that kind of anger before, never been that intent on hurting someone. And he knew just all the right ways to do it. Ben opened up to him and told him about his family, and why they weren’t close, and Gwil turned it around on Ben, blamed him for it all. The way he yelled at all of them, not just Ben, but Rami and Joe too. 

He knows none of them will ever trust him again. Nor should they.

He looks over the letters again, taking a deep shaking breath. Reading Roger’s letters, it’s reminded him of what it used to be like, the four of them, before all the mess that Gwil made. He’d never really thought of before. How perfectly they fit together, just like Roger and Gwil fit with Rami and Sami, though obviously in a different way. Once Gwil finally opened himself up to Joe and Ben, it was like they were always a piece of him. They all just clicked, even if he and Joe weren’t as close. But now…Gwil doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to do. He wants to apologize, knows that he should, but they won’t accept it. Why would they even believe it?

The Gwil that Roger wrote those letters to, he doesn’t exist anymore. The good person he talked about, he’s gone. He’s been gone for awhile now. Gwil just didn’t realize until now just how far gone he was. He doesn’t _want_ to be like this. He wants to be like he used to. He wants to be the person that deserves Roger’s letters, and Ben’s love. Even though he knows he’s lost it for good.

Gwil twists his ring again, and shifts on the bed, half propped up on his pillows. He’s tired. He wants to just close his eyes and never wake up again. He also desperately wants to run out into the flat and curl up against Rami and beg him for forgiveness. 

Gwil slowly pushes himself up, walking over to his bedroom door. He opens it just a crack, and peeks out. He doesn’t see Rami, so he opens the door a bit wider, and sticks his head out. Rami’s bedroom door is open, and the lights are off. Gwil steps out into the flat and reaches up, trying to fix his hair, wiping at his face. He turns the corner into the living room, looking at Rami who’s curled up with his arms wrapped around a pillow, tears drying on his cheeks as well.

Rami turns and looks up at him in surprise. He doesn’t speak, and Gwil swallows hard, still worried about what Rami must think of him.

“Can I sit?” Gwil asks, and Rami blinks, before nodding slowly. “Thank you,” he says, sitting down carefully next to him.

“I thought you were sleeping,” Rami says. Gwil just shakes his head. “Did you sleep at all last night?” he asks.

“No,” Gwil says, “I don’t think so.”

“Hmm,” Rami murmurs, turning back to the television, tightening his grip around his pillow.

“Rami,” Gwil says, and it aches in his chest when Rami doesn’t turn to look at him. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you should be apologizing to,” Rami says.

Gwil swallows hard. “Yes, it is," he says softly. "I'm sorry."

"Tell Ben that."

“He’d never hear it,” Gwil says. “And he shouldn’t.”

“Well, you're right about that,” Rami says, shifting a bit away from him.

“Rami, _please_ ,” Gwil says, reaching out to Rami’s arm, but Rami still doesn’t look back at him. “I can’t do this without you.”

Rami rolls his eyes, and finally turns to him. “Do what? Lie to people? Push them around? Insult them? If you ever treated me that way, I’d never speak to you again.”

“I was upset,” Gwil says. “I _am_ upset. You understand that, don’t you? Rami, he found those letters and he hid them from. He wasn’t going to tell me, I never would’ve read all the things Roger wrote to me. Those are _my_ letters. I don’t care why Ben didn’t want to tell me, that wasn’t his choice to make. Roger talks about you in those letters too, he wasn’t just hiding them from me, he was hiding them from _us_.”

“I know that,” Rami says. “And I’m angry with him as well for that. But Gwil, I’ve never heard you be so cruel before. The things you said to him. You can’t just tell people they don’t matter. Ben matters. He’s my mate.”

Gwil freezes for a moment, and then nods. “I know,” he says.

“Ben will apologize to me,” Rami says after a moment, “because he’s a good person. And when he does, I’ll accept it.”

“Will you accept it from me?” Gwil asks.

Rami sighs. “Gwil, I love you, and I’ll always love you. And I’ll forgive you too, but…I’ve never been so ashamed.” He tightens his arms around his pillow, resting his chin on top of it. “I thought you were going to kill him,” he says softly. “And to hear you say those things about him.” He looks over at him. “Was he right?”

“About what?” Gwil asks.

“Did reading those letters hurt?” Rami asks.

Gwil’s stomach twists and he looks down at his lap, before nodding once. “They did,” he replies. “But—”

“I know Ben’s jealous,” Rami says. “And I know he was wrong to hide the letters. But I do think that at least part of him was trying to help.”

“Rami,” Gwil says, but Rami just keeps talking.

“You hurt him, Gwil,” Rami says. “Before he even thought about hurting you. You should remember that.”

“Rami, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Ben and I. I was ashamed, I felt guilty, and embarrassed about how I treated him, and— I should have told you,” Gwil says. “As for what I said to him yesterday, I…” 

Rami watches him for a moment. “You what?” he asks.

Gwil just shakes his head. “I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t know where it came from. I don’t know why I did it.”

“You did it to hurt him,” Rami says, and Gwil nods. 

“I did,” he admits. “I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to see him upset. It felt like he was trying to take Roger away from me and that hurt more than anything and I— I wanted to do it to him, too.”

“You did more than that,” Rami says. “You’ve done nothing but compare him to Roger. You lied about wanting to kiss him. You lied about your feelings. You hid him like you were ashamed of him. It’s no wonder he didn’t want you to read those letters. He probably thought the only chance he’d have with you is if you never saw them. I don’t blame him. I mean, I— I _do_. He was wrong, I’m not saying that, but I understand why. He _loves_ you. He wants to be with you.” Rami swallows hard. “Or, at least, he did.”

“Do you think so?” Gwil asks. “Really?”

“I can’t believe you would even have to ask that,” Rami says, shaking his head. “You can see how much he loves you, everybody can.” He sighs. “I’m sorry, Gwil, I’m just not in the mood for this right now.”

“Oh, ri— right,” Gwil says. “I— of course. I’ll go back to my room. I just…I know I no right to ask, but please, after everything we’ve been through, don’t let this get between us.”

Rami looks over at him. “After everything we’ve been through, I’m just asking you to please leave me alone for a little while. Please. You’re still my best mate. I just— I’m not sure that I know you as well as I thought I did.”

“Rami, you _know_ me,” Gwil says. Rami doesn’t reply, and then Gwil reaches out to put his hand on Rami’s shoulder, and hot tears spring to Gwil’s eyes when Rami jerks away from him. “Rami,” he says softly, voice breaking a bit.

Rami shifts on the sofa, reaching up to wipe at his eyes, which are also filling with tears.

Gwil’s stomach clenches and he stands up, wiping at his face as he walks back into his bedroom. He throws himself on his bed, leaving his door wide open, but somehow he knows that Rami won’t be coming in to talk to him. Not today, anyway.

\+ + + + +

Joe drums his fingers on his thigh nervously, listening to the phone ring. He’s called Ben three times today already; Ben hasn’t answered once. Joe just wants _one_ answer, one response. He needs to know that Ben is alright. If he doesn’t hear from him by dinnertime, he’s driving to the Space Operations Centre and kicking in his office door until he sees that he’s alright.

Ben’s never been…well, in the entire time that Joe’s known him, Ben’s never really had anything bad happen to him. All the bad stuff happened before. So Joe can’t really say that he’s never seen Ben like this, because there’s never been a reason for him to see Ben like this. But Joe’s heard from Ben about the way things ended with his ex, knows all about that asshole, and knows it’s probably the worst thing he’s been through. Until this, anyway. Joe’s not sure how Ben is going to handle this. Obviously not well, so far anyway, considering he’s escaped into the Cairngorms and gone into hiding. Part of Joe is actually scared that Ben’s never going to come home, and not just because he’s decided to stay at the office permanently.

 _I should have gone there right away_ , Joe thinks, ending the call, tossing his phone to the side in frustration. He can’t believe he let Ben spend the night alone in crew quarters; he’s a fucking terrible friend. He woke up every hour or so to check his phone, wondering if he’d missed a call or a text from Ben. He kept expecting to wake up to him calling, crying, asking Joe to come get him. But he didn’t. He didn’t hear a word from Ben.

If Ben’s hurt himself, because Joe stupidly left him alone, Joe’s never going to forgive himself. And then he’s going to drive over to Gwil’s flat and fucking kill him because spending his life in prison will be what he deserves. He wanted to go the Operations Centre to see Ben, thought about it over and over, but then he just imagined what would happen when he showed up. If Ben didn’t want to see him, Ben wouldn’t see him. Then they’d just cause a scene, and it would only upset Ben even more. Joe wants Ben to know that he can trust him; if Ben says don’t come, Joe won’t come.

He hasn’t spoken to Rami today yet either. Things were tense, obviously, when he left Rami and Gwil’s flat the day before. But it’s not like Rami told him not to call him; Joe just wants to give him a break. They all need a break. Besides, not telling Rami that Ben and Gwil slept together doesn’t seem nearly as bad as the shit that Gwil did to Ben, and not even as bad as Ben reading and hiding the letters, so Joe hopes that Rami can forgive him. It just wasn’t his secret to tell. He couldn’t betray Ben like that. Not even for Rami.

Joe reaches over to grab his phone again. He needs to call Ben. He needs to hear from him. He’s about to hit dial when his phone starts ringing in his hand. “Ben?” he asks quickly. “Ben, are you okay?” he asks. All he can hear is a sigh, and then a sniffle. “Ben,” Joe says, straightening up in his seat, “ _please_ tell me that you’re okay. Please, Ben.” Joe can hear his voice break a bit. “Ben, if this is you calling to say goodbye to me or something, I’m begging you, _please_ , I’ll be there in an hour, I’ll speed, I’ll be there in forty minutes, it’s not _that_ bad, it’ll be okay, just don’t hurt yourself, okay, I’ll—”

“Joe, stop,” Ben says, and Joe cuts himself off, trying to determine how Ben sounds just based on those two words. He sounds alive, so that’s a great start. “I’m not— I’m not going to do anything.”

“Thank god,” Joe breathes. “Oh, thank god. Do you want me to come get you? I’ll come right now. Ben, I’ll—”

“No,” Ben says. “I don’t. I just…I know you’re freaking out, so I just wanted to call to tell you to stop calling me, okay? I’m fine.”

“You’re not _fine_ ,” Joe snaps. “You’re— you’re in hiding. Ben, come home. I’m not going to let Gwil hurt you or anything.”

“I know,” Ben says. “Thank you for yesterday, even though I didn’t deserve it.”

“You didn’t deserve everything he said about you,” Joe says. “I wasn’t going to just stand there and let you take it.” He hears Ben make a small sound, but he doesn’t speak. “Benny, I’m going to come get you.”

“Not yet,” Ben says. “Just…a couple more nights here, okay?”

“Ben, you don’t have to hide from me,” Joe says. “Of all people. You’re my best friend.”

“I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” Ben says. “I’ll call you, I promise. I just…” He sighs. “I can’t face anybody right now, okay? I just need time to think.”

“Ben, it’s okay,” Joe says softly. “I’m not mad at you.”

“Bye, Joe,” Ben says. 

“Wait!” Joe says quickly. “Wait! Just. Just text me. So I know you’re alright. _Please_ , Ben. Just a letter. An emoji. Anything. Every couple hours. Okay?” There’s a silence on the line and Joe looks at his phone, wondering if Ben hung up or if the call dropped or what, but then he hears Ben gently clear his throat.

“Okay, I will,” Ben says, and Joe breathes a sigh of relief.

“As soon as you want to come home, I’ll be here,” Joe says. “I’m not going anywhere, babe, okay?”

Ben chuckles softly. “Thought that was your pet name for Rami,” he says.

Joe grins. “Well, you’re my babe too, okay? And don’t you forget it.” He sighs. “Ben, what he said—”

“Bye Joe,” Ben says, and the phone call ends.

Joe bites down on the inside of his lip, tossing his phone to the side again. After a second, he reaches over, grabbing it again. He’s not going to bother calling, but he quickly types out a text. He doesn’t know if Ben will read it or not, but Joe has to say it. He has to tell him.

_I know you don’t believe me, and I know I already told you, but the things Gwil said about you are NOT true. You’re not pathetic or sad. You are loved. By me, at least, so just remember that. Please don’t think you have to be alone. You’re my best friend and I need you, ok? Just please take of yourself while you’re there, k? I miss you._

He hits send, and then clutches his phone in his hand. After a minute or two, he can see that Ben’s read it, which makes him breathe a sigh of relief, but Ben never responds. Joe just swallows hard, and tries to tell himself that that’s enough. Knowing that Ben read it, that has to be enough. He means every word of it. He just wishes that Ben would believe it.

\+ + + + +

Rami slept like shit the night before as well, though he thinks he got more sleep than Gwil. He wonders how Ben slept; he imagines not well at all. Or Joe. God, how he misses Joe, and it’s only been a day. Rami knows that what Gwil said to Ben was the worst thing of all, but Rami can’t help but feel a little guilty for what he did as well. He should have let Joe stay, he should have _talked_ to him.

But he’s hurt. And he won’t deny it. He’s hurt that his three best mates all had a secret and kept it from him. He’s never felt so excluded in his life, realizing that they were all lying to him and none of them seemed to have a problem with it. And maybe Joe’s right, maybe it wasn’t his place to share it, but Gwil could have told him. _Should_ have told him. And Ben should have told him about the letters. Gwil’s read them now, he knows that they were also to Rami. And Rami wants to read them. He’s going to let Gwil have them for awhile longer, before he asks to see them, but they’re his too. Some of them, anyway.

Rami climbs off the sofa and goes into the kitchen, getting a glass of water before heading towards his bedroom. Gwil’s in his room, the door open, but the light’s off. Rami resists the urge to peek in, but he can already imagine what Gwil looks like. Asleep or awake, he’s probably curled up on his bed, surrounded by the letters. Maybe even clutching one or two in his hand.

He understands Gwil’s anger because he feels Gwil’s anger. Not just at Ben, but in general. Rami loves it here, he loves Joe, he loves the family he’s met. But sometimes this bubble of rage starts in him and grows and grows until he wants to scream. He cries himself to sleep more than anybody knows; he doesn’t tell Gwil or Joe about it. Because as much as he loves it here, he’s angry that this happened to them to begin with. He’s sad that he’ll never see his brother or sister again, that his brother died alone in a train crash without Rami there with him. Nothing will change that, or fix it, or make him feel better about it. The best he can do is accept it. But to take that anger out on somebody else, it’s almost unimaginable to him. He can’t imagine saying the things that Gwil said to _anybody_ , ever. But the thing is, up until the words came out Gwil’s mouth, he couldn’t imagine Gwil saying things like that either. He’d never heard anything like it. Gwil had never behaved like that. He knew, of course, that losing Roger hurt Gwil more than anything else, but obviously it hurt him even more than Rami understood. Hearing Gwil say those things to Ben, it was like a different person was standing in front of him. And now Rami’s not sure which Gwil is the real one.

It’s been obvious that they were going to handle their experiences differently. That’s fine, Rami thinks. They’re both grieving, and nobody has to grieve the same way. And as happy as Rami is, he _is_ still grieving. His heart aches in a way that Joe can never fix, that Rami’s sure will never be fixed. It’s different from how Gwil feels about losing Roger; in some ways it’s better, in some ways it’s worse. As much as Rami loves Gwil, he still hates the way Gwil has chosen to deal with his grief. Like he’s the only one in the world who’s ever been hurt. To take it out on people, instead of talking about it. It’s been months now, and Rami still occasionally feels like he’s being forced to take care of Gwil. And it doesn’t always feel like Gwil would do the same for him.

Rami flicks on his light and closes the door behind him. He sees something on his bed, and walks over, realizing that it’s the black leather portfolio. He sits down, reaching over to set his glass on his bedside table, then carefully picks it up. There’s a note stuck to the front, and he recognizes the handwriting as Gwil’s. He sighs, debating whether or not to read it, before finally just plucking it off, and quickly scanning over it.

_These are yours just as much as mine. Roger would want you to have them. Maybe once you’ve read them, we could talk? Only if you'd like._

Rami frowns, and then sets the note down on his bed. He pushes himself up towards his headboard, adjusting his pillows a couple times, and then settles back, carefully opening the portfolio. He can’t help the smile on his face as he recognizes Roger’s handwriting, but tears come to his eyes anyway. He’s never going to see Roger again. He’s gone. Rami left and now Roger’s gone and these letters are all that remains. He’s known it for months but it still hurts so much.

He tries not to think about how Ben was going to keep these from him, because he doesn’t want to be mad, he’s too tired to be mad, but it stings.

Rami reads about Roger’s children, about Sami’s crash, about memories of their cribbage tournament. He reads them all. He can’t believe Gwil let him read some of these, they’re so personal between just the two of them. Roger would probably be mortified if he knew that Gwil was sharing them, but then…Rami smiles. Maybe not. Roger always was so open.

He doesn’t blush when he reads Roger’s comment about his eyes, but he does grin so hard his cheeks hurt. And then for Roger to call him sweet and kind, and to be so worried that something bad had happened to him.

Rami’s never really been able to imagine what it must have been like for Roger and Sami, for the families of all the Mercury crew. They lived their lives, however long they were, and had _no_ idea what happened to them. Yes, they were told that they’d died, but they didn’t know when, or how. If they made it to Luyten or not. If they were still there. If they had suffered. They spent all that time unsure. How frightening it must have been to live with that, the not knowing. Roger so desperately wanted Gwil to be alive, but didn’t put his life on hold for him. He couldn’t. And Rami’s glad he didn’t, honestly. He’s glad that Roger was happy, that he found love, had a family. 

Rami tries not to wonder what would have happened if they’d arrived back earlier, when Roger was still alive. If he would have chosen Gwil or Dominique. In a way, Rami’s relieved that he never has to know the answer to that question.

Rami reads through all the letters addressed to Gwil, and carefully stacks them back in the portfolio. He knows why some of these letters hurt Gwil, though. And he can see why Ben thought to hide them (but still, Rami thinks, he had no right). He sniffles as he sees one last letter, addressed to him. He reaches up, wiping at his eyes, and lifts the paper up, hands shaking.

\+ + + + +

_To my dear Rami,_

_I know Sami’s been writing you enough letters to fill a book, literally, which is why I suppose I haven’t been inclined to do the same. Besides, I’m sure that you’ll get your hands on everything I’ve written to Gwil so far. Though I dare say some are a bit naughty for your virgin eyes, it’s not as if I’ve written an ode to Gwil’s cock or anything like that._

_(though trust me, if I do, I’ll be sure you’re first in line to read it, as it’s going to be quite detailed. perhaps I’ll include a diagram for your engineer-inclined mind)_

_I know we haven’t known each other as long as we’d like, but I dare say you’ve grown on me quite a bit, and trust me when I say you’re one of my best mates. I trust you to take care of my Gwil and bring him home safely to me._

_Sami and I are having quite the time together without you lot here, though I certainly do miss you (we both miss you terribly). He and I go to the pictures, and cook dinner for each other, and play card games. I hope I’m taking as much care of him as Gwil’s taking of you._

_I do hope you’ll have the most wonderful time while you’re away. I can only imagine what sorts of things you’ll see. I am terribly upset that you’ve left, you see, but I know why you have. I know you’re not always treated fairly here, and I’m sorry for that. I wish I could do more to help, but it’s hard sometimes, you know. You don’t deserve any of it, not a single word, I want you to know that._

_When you’re back, I hope things are different. In more ways than one. I know, you know. I do wonder why you haven’t spoken to me about it. I’d like to think you can trust me. I mean me, of all people. The things I’ve been called over the years. But I know you haven’t told Gwil either, and I’m not even entirely sure that Sami has it figured, so I suppose I can’t be too offended._

_I can’t wait to hear all your stories, see all your photos. I so eagerly await your return. Have a wonderful time, and be safe. When you get back, we’ll have the most wonderful chat. I can’t wait to see you again. You’re going to be a hero, you know. Everyone will know what the Mercury’s done, you’ll be a star! Remember me, won’t you? When you’re in all the papers and on the radio and having tea with the king? And then once you’ve gotten all settled in and your ego’s shrunken back down a bit, perhaps I could find you a nice bloke to have tea with? If you’d like. It’s alright if you don’t, but you’re such a terribly wonderful person, Rami, I can’t quite stand the idea of you being alone. The whole world should know how kind you are. I simply can’t wait until you come back and they find out._

_Keep me in your thoughts, you’re always in mine._

_All the best,  
Roger_

\+ + + + +

Rami bites down on the inside of his lip, trying to stifle the sounds of his crying. He thinks the letter is one of the most wonderful things he’s ever read; he can’t believe all the kind things that Roger said about him. He can’t believe that Roger _knew_ , he really did. He smiles even as he starts to cry even harder, wishing that Roger could have met Joe, or at least known about him. He thinks they’d get on quite well, they certainly have the same sort of sense of humour. He’d give anything for Roger to know that Rami found someone. He wonders how Roger felt, thinking that Rami died alone, without being loved. God, it must have almost killed Roger to imagine what happened to them.

Rami carefully puts the letter back into the portfolio and wraps his arms around his pillow, continuing to cry. It hits him all at once, how it wasn’t just their lives that were changed (some might say ruined) by what happened to them. It’s a goddamn tragedy that the people who cared so much and worried so much about them will never know that they made out alright in the end. There’s no way for them to ever find out.

He curls up on his side, crying until he’s too tired to keep going. He thinks he must have fallen asleep at some point, because he opens his eyes after awhile without realizing that they were closed. He groans and reaches up, scratching at his cheeks, itchy from his tears having dried there. He sniffles, and looks at his clock. It’s been a few hours, so he pushes himself up. He wipes at his nose, and takes a deep breath. 

Rami has no idea what to do. He _wants_ to talk to Gwil about the letters; he thinks they’re a good opportunity for them to share their memories about Roger and Sami and home, but at the same time, he wasn’t lying to Gwil. He feels like he doesn’t know him anymore. It’s only been a few months since they came back, but Gwil seems like a completely different person sometimes. Mostly he’s still kind, he’s still good. But Rami feels ill when he thinks about the fact that Gwil lied to Ben like that. And god, the things he said.

But he also knows that Gwil is hurting. He’s in pain. He thinks that Roger would be as upset with Gwil as Rami is, but he also thinks that Roger would want to give Gwil another chance. He can give Gwil one more chance. 

Rami climbs off his bed, and picks up the portfolio, carefully holding it to his chest as he walks out of his room, and hovers in Gwil’s doorway. The door’s still open, but the room is totally dark now, and he can hear Gwil gently snoring. Rami quietly walks into Gwil’s room, and places the portfolio on the nightstand. He looks down at him, contemplates waking him up to speak to him, but just decides to leave him to rest, he’s sure he needs it. Rami turns and starts to walk away, stopping when he hears his name behind him. He turns, sighing. “It’s alright, Gwil, go back to sleep.”

“Did you read them?” Gwil asks, pushing himself up a bit.

Rami nods. “I did.” He looks at Gwil for a moment. “Go back to sleep, we can talk about them in the morning.”

Gwil watches him back, and finally nods. “Alright,” he says. “In the morning. Goodnight, Rami.”

Rami nods, turning back and walking out of Gwil’s room. “Goodnight,” he says softly. “Sleep well.” He sighs, walking back into his own room, closing the door. He told Roger he’d bring Gwil home safe. Roger wanted Rami to take care of him. Even as angry with Gwil as he is, Rami has to do it, for Roger. Rami can’t tell Roger that they’re okay, so he has to make sure that they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • more letters from the famous Roger Taylor! I wonder he'd think about this whole mess.  
> • I genuinely don't know what anybody is going to think of this and I remain worried.  
> • it did all get angstier than even I was expecting.  
> • though again, I hope that people stay with it (and understand if you can't). only 10 chapters left!  
> • thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.


	30. Chapter 30

Joe drums his fingers on the table, his knee also bouncing up and down as he nervously awaits Rami’s arrival at the cafe. His eyes have been glued to the door since he showed up a few minutes ago. He doesn’t know why Rami wouldn’t let him pick him up, or meet him at his flat. At least, he hopes he doesn’t know why. All he can think is that Rami wants to meet him here to break up with him, and it’ll make for an easier getaway.

Joe sighs. _No_ , he thinks, _Rami is not coming here to break up with you_. He hopes. God, he really, really, really hopes. He can’t lose his best friend _and_ his boyfriend all in one week. Ben’s still staying in crew quarters, five days later. Other than the requested regular text to reassure Joe that he’s still fine, he hasn’t said a word. More than once, Joe’s gone down to his car and climbed in, hands on the wheel, prepared to drive to the Space Operations Centre to pick him up, but he knows Ben. He knows that forcing his way into his office or his room is just going to make him even more upset, and that even if Ben did get in the car with him, it would just make him hate him. So Joe’s been waiting, sometimes patiently, sometimes frantically, for Ben to tell him he’s ready to come home.

He’d also been waiting to hear from Rami. In terms of what they’ve all done to each other over the past few weeks, Joe thinks not telling Rami that Ben and Gwil slept together is pretty low on the list. He gets that Rami might be annoyed, or yeah, even a little upset, but there’s no way he can be _actually_ angry with him.

Again, he hopes.

Joe jumps when he hears the door open, and see Rami walk into the cafe. He smiles in relief, and stands up, hovering nervously by their small booth. He wants to open his arms and pull Rami into a hug, to kiss him, but he’s not sure if Rami’s in the mood for it. He’s guessing he’s not. “Hi,” he says, giving him a quick wave, trying to read Rami’s face.

Rami gives him a small smile, but his eyes aren’t bright like they usually are, and Joe frowns a bit. Rami looks tired. “Hi Joe,” he says, taking his seat.

Joe swallows hard and then slides into the booth. His first instinct is to reach across the table and take Rami’s hands in his, but again, _no_ , so he just curls his fingers into a fist and raps his knuckles on the table a couple of times. “I got you your tea,” he says, gesturing to the cup, then nudging it a bit closer to Rami.

“Thank you,” Rami says softly, looking over at the drink, but he makes no move to pick it up.

Joe watches Rami for a few moments before taking a deep breath and straightening up a bit. “If you’re here to break up with me, can you just do it?” he asks.

Rami’s eyes widen at that.

“Because I can’t take it,” Joe says, rambling on. “I— it’s all I can think about. How you’re going to do it. What you’re going to say. And— I just want it to end. So if you’re going to do it, please don’t drag it out. I can’t handle it anymore.”

Rami watches Joe, and then finally reaches out, picking up his drink. He takes a couple sips of tea, and then carefully sets it back down. “I don’t want to break up with you,” he says finally, and Joe sighs heavily, shoulders slumping.

“Oh thank god,” Joe says, head falling forward. “Oh thank god.”

“Why would I break up with you?” Rami asks.

“I don’t know,” Joe says, looking up. “Well, I mean, I do. For one, I kept a secret from you. Secondly, I’m sure Gwil has asked you to, repeatedly. I’m sure he’s also asked you to never talk to Ben again. And I mean, I love you, but I get it. He’s your best friend and the things you’ve been through together, I can’t—” 

“I love you,” Rami says.

“I know,” Joe says, “but that— I mean, I think our best friends have proved to the entire world that you can love somebody and still— it might not work.”

“Do you think we might not work?” Rami asks, sounding a bit hurt, and Joe quickly shakes his head. He finally reaches out to take Rami’s hand in his, squeezing it gently.

“I love you,” Joe says, “and if you want us to work, we’re gonna work. Because I want us to work.”

Rami smiles, and he lifts his other to rest on top of Joe’s. “I love you, too.”

Joe breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay,” he says. “Then we’re going to be okay.”

Rami nods. “If I’d known you were so worried about it, I would’ve told you earlier,” he says. “I don’t want to break up. I just— this week has been a lot, and, well, I’ve been trying to take care of Gwil.” He withdraws his hands from Joe’s, curling them on his lap. “It’s…well, I just know that you hate him right now, so I just wanted to keep you away from that.”

“Well,” Joe says, shrugging. “You’re right about that much.” He looks at Rami. “I am sorry though.”

“No, it’s— I understand,” Rami says. “It’s been hard to be around him, even for myself. He hurt Ben, and I’m sorry. But you’re wrong, he hasn’t said anything about us breaking up. Or not talking to Ben again.”

“Really?” Joe asks. “What’d he say then?”

Rami takes another sip of his tea. “He’s sorry.” Joe snorts at that, and Rami frowns. “He _is_.”

“Come on, babe, you don’t believe him, do you?” Joe asks. “He’s lying.”

“I don’t think so,” Rami says. “It doesn’t seem like it. He’s ashamed. He’s angry, too, and so— well, so am I, honestly.”

“With me?” Joe asks.

Rami shrugs. “With everyone, at least a little bit. I don’t like being lied to. I don’t like what Gwil did. I don’t like Ben trying to hide Roger’s letters from me.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the two of them,” Joe says. “Well, actually, I don’t know if that’s true or not. I— Ben asked me not to, and he’s my best friend and I can’t betray him like that. But I’m sorry if my not telling you hurt you.”

Rami slowly shakes his head. “No, I guess I— I was more upset that everybody knew but me,” he says. “You knew, because Ben told you. But Gwil didn’t tell me.”

“That’s because Gwil should be fucking ash—” Joe cuts himself off at the look Rami gives him, and awkwardly clears his throat, looking away. “Uh, I mean…”

“Trust me,” Rami says, “I’m not proud of what he did. But you know what Ben did is wrong. The letters, they were addressed to Gwil, but a lot of them are about me too. One of them was _to_ me. I should’ve been allowed to read them. Roger was my friend, and Ben hid them from us.”

Joe swallows hard, trying to bite down on all the words he wants to say to Rami. He knows that Rami’s not the one he’s angry at, not really. What he really wants is to punch Gwil in his fucking handsome face, and _yes_ he wants to tell Ben that he thinks what he did is wrong too, but instead Gwil is hiding in his flat and Ben’s hiding in his office and it’s just Rami and Joe left to go outside and deal with their shit. He shifts a few times in his seat, because he really doesn’t know what to say. He could keep arguing, but then he’d be ruining everything with his boyfriend. But if he just sits here and lets Ben get insulted, then he’s not much of a best friend either. “I’m not saying that he didn’t, Rami, I’m just saying…he had his reasons, is all.” Rami scoffs, and Joe’s eyes narrow at him. “He _did_. I mean, you just said you know Gwil fucked up.”

“Joe, you don’t understand what Gwil’s going through,” Rami says.

“You don’t understand what Ben’s going through!” Joe exclaims. “You don’t know him at all.”

“It’s not like you’ve taken the time to get to know Gwil either,” Rami says. 

“So now this is _my_ fault,” Joe says. 

“No, of course not,” Rami says.

“So, then it’s Ben’s,” Joe says, and Rami makes a face that Joe knows means ‘ _well..._ ’ “So, are you just not going to forgive him then?”

“Of course I’ll forgive him,” Rami says. “But it’s not like he’s reached out to me to give me the chance. I want an apology, a real one, first.”

Joe sighs. “He’s not really…reaching out to anyone, right now.” He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. 

“What do you mean?” Rami asks. “How is he?”

Joe shrugs. “I wouldn’t know.”

Rami frowns. “I don’t…what do you mean?”

“Ben’s currently not living with me, so…” Joe looks away sadly.

Rami frowns. “What do you mean?” he asks. “Where is he?”

Joe shrugs. “At the Operations Centre. He left on Sunday.”

“But—” Rami shakes his head, confused. “It’s Friday.”

“Yeah, well,” Joe sighs, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair. “He’s hiding in shame.”

“Oh,” Rami says softly. “I— I’m upset with him, yes, but I don’t want— I don’t want him to— I want him to come home.”

“You and me both,” Joe murmurs.

Rami shifts a bit in his seat. “I know it’s not your place to tell,” he says. “But, what you told Gwil, about not knowing what Ben’s been through…well, what I mean is, is he going to be alright?” Rami asks.

“I…I’ve got him texting me a word or two every couple hours so that I know he’s okay,” Joe says. “I don't...I didn’t meet Ben until after the shit he went through. The guy he dated before Gwil, not that Ben and Gwil, I mean, I just mean, he was a piece of shit.”

“Did he hurt him?” Rami asks softly.

“Not like you think,” Joe says, shifting a bit. “He uh, I don’t know, it’s not my place to say. I’m sorry. Just know that, Ben already has a _lot_ of insecurity issues, and that finding out it was Roger’s birthday was really, really hard on him. And I know right now he’s…pretty unhappy with himself. I hope he’s alright. But…I don’t know.” He shrugs.

“I hope he’ll be okay,” Rami says.

Joe nods. “I…hope Gwil will be too,” he says after a moment. Rami raises his eyebrows at him. “I _do_!” he says. “I…care about Gwil. Even after I watched him call my best friend a piece of shit. I know he’s dealing with a lot of shit, even before all this. I hope that the letters help.” He pauses for a moment. “So you’ve read them?”

Rami nods.

“What are they like?” Joe asks.

“Sad,” Rami replies. “Roger was happy, he— he got married, and had children, and he was happy. Which makes me happy. So much has gone wrong, and Sami died so young, it’s actually quite nice to know that Roger made out alright in the end, but he never gave up hope. He kept writing to Gwil, until he died, I think. Asking him to come home. Saying how he wanted Gwil to be happy. How he wanted me to be happy.” He smiles faintly.

“What?” Joe asks.

“He wrote me a letter,” Rami says. “Said he’d— when I came back, he’d introduce me to a bloke. If I wanted.”

Joe grins. “Yeah? Roger Taylor, gonna play a little matchmaker?”

Rami nods. “Yeah, it’s quite—”

“So, he knew,” Joe says suddenly. “That you were gay. But you…”

“Didn’t tell Gwil,” Rami says. “Never even really said it to Sami, but Roger figured it out. Said he wanted the world to know how lovely I am.” He blushes a bit and looks away at that.

“Well, the world figured it out, babe,” Joe says, reaching out to take Rami’s hand. 

"Oh, are you the world?" Rami asks, smirking.

Joe grins. "I'm your world." Rami snorts and looks away. “Anyway, I'm just saying: Roger Taylor must have a been a pretty smart guy.”

“I think you would have loved him,” Rami says. “That’s all I could think, reading those letters. How I wish the two of you had met. You would’ve gotten on.”

Joe smiles at that. “What about you?” he asks.

“What about me?” Rami asks.

“Are we getting on?” Joe asks. “We’re okay?”

Rami nods. “We are,” he says. “I’m not entirely sure Gwil is exactly…eager to have you back at the flat, though.”

Joe makes a face at that. “I’m not entirely sure I want to be back at your flat,” he replies. “And I don’t know what Ben’s going to be like when he comes home. So we can just…get coffee and hold hands and stuff. For the time being.”

Rami smiles. “That doesn’t sound too bad,” he says. “I like holding your hand.”

Joe smiles back. “We’re like Romeo and Juliet. Warring families and all that.”

Rami nods. “Hopefully with a happier ending.”

Joe chuckles softly, but then after a moment he frowns a bit, an uncomfortable thought crossing his mind. “Hey, babe?” 

“Yes?” Rami asks.

“The way Gwil acted,” Joe says carefully, “um, like pushing Ben like that. The yelling. Has he…ever done that to you?”

Rami quickly shakes his head. “No. I’ve never seen him fight with anybody like that. He never hurt me, or Roger, or anybody.”

Joe sighs. “Okay, well, that’s something at least. I feel better about leaving you alone with him then.”

Rami shakes his head again. “It’s not like that, really. I know what you must think, the way he behaved, I— but it’s not…I wouldn’t stay there if I didn’t feel safe with him. He’s mostly just been quiet. We’ve talked a bit, of course, after I read the letters. I think we don’t know what to say to each other, mostly. He’s apologized, a lot. I know that doesn’t mean anything to you, but he’s my best mate and it means something to me.”

“Okay,” Joe says, nodding.

They don’t talk much more after that. They finish their drinks and slide out of the booth, walking out of the cafe. Joe looks over at Rami and leans in, giving him their first kiss in days. “I missed you,” he says softly.

“I missed you too,” Rami replies. “Let me know if you hear from Ben, okay?”

Joe nods. “I will.” He kisses Rami again, never wanting to let him go. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Rami replies, and he tilts his head up, kissing Joe on the nose, making him grin. “We can get coffee again tomorrow?”

Joe nods. “Okay, I’d like that.”

“Bye,” Rami says. He waves at him, and then slowly heads off up the sidewalk, and Joe sighs. After a moment, he checks his phone to see if he’s heard from Ben. Nothing new. He starts walking back home.

\+ + + + +

Rami reaches down to untie his trainers, carefully toeing them off, pushing them to the side. He sighs and looks around the flat. The television is on, so he walks into the living room, looking at Gwil, curled up on the sofa under a blanket despite the summer heat. “Hi,” he says softly, sitting down on the arm of the sofa. “What are you watching?” he asks.

Gwil shrugs. “I’m not sure,” he says after a moment, voice rough. “It’s whatever came on after the film I was watching.” He shifts under the blanket, reaching up to adjust his pillow. “How was Joe?” he asks.

Rami shrugs. “He’s alright,” he replies. “Lonely, I think.” He wasn’t planning on mentioning Joe to Gwil, because he’s not sure what type of conversation (or argument) it will start.

Gwil looks over at Rami, interest obviously peaked. “Lonely?” he repeats.

Rami nods. “Ben’s…been gone for a few days.”

“Gone?” Gwil asks, pushing himself up. “Gone where?”

“To work,” Rami replies. “He’s staying in the Operations Centre. Left on Sunday morning, Joe said.”

“I…” Gwil looks at Rami and then swallows hard. 

“You what?” Rami asks.

“Nothing,” Gwil says softly, shaking his head. “I wish he didn’t do that, is all. He should be with Joe. He needs Joe. After what I said, about him being alone and no one caring about him, he— he should be with Joe.”

“Hmm,” Rami murmurs, nodding once. “Well. Maybe if you hadn’t said that to him, he wouldn’t believe it.”

“I know that,” Gwil says, and he looks back at the television.

Rami hopes that hearing it makes Gwil feel bad, even just a little. Or at least make him realize that he’s not the only one hurting. “Have you eaten yet today?” Rami asks after a moment.

Gwil shakes his head. “Not hungry,” he replies.

“You have to eat something,” Rami says. “Even if we order in. Come on, Gwil. I won’t let you starve, as much as I’m sure you want to.”

Gwil’s eyes flick over to him, and Rami just looks back at him, and Gwil finally just sighs a little. “Whatever you’d like is fine,” he says.

“Okay,” Rami says, “I’ll look at the menus we have.” He sighs, pushing himself up. He starts to walk into the kitchen, but then he stops himself and turns back around. “Gwil, there’s nothing in Roger’s letters about him wanting you to be depressed forever.”

Gwil bites down, not saying anything.

“I think he said he wanted you to be happy, actually,” Rami continues. Now Gwil opens his mouth to speak but Rami just keeps going. “And I _know_ you’re upset right now, I’m not saying you have to feel better right away, but you also can’t just stay on the sofa for another week and not go outside or do anything.”

“What do you expect me to do?” Gwil asks. “What am I supposed to do? Just pretend everything’s alright?”

“We could see a film,” Rami says, “or a play. We could go to the museum, or the palace. We could take the train _anywhere_. We could spend a day in Edinburgh. Or London! Paris. I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should stop worrying about me so much,” Gwil says. “I’m only going to disappoint you.”

“That’s not true,” Rami says. 

“Oh?” Gwil asks. “Haven’t I already?”

“I—” Rami looks away for a moment. “I…we could just _talk_. Without arguing all the time. I’m so tired of it. You’re my best mate, and even with what you did, I just want you to be happy. The bad things have happened, they’re in the past. We need to start moving on from them.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Gwil mutters. Rami frowns. “You’re not the one who did them.”

Rami looks away at that. He genuinely doesn’t know how to respond. So instead he just turns and goes to his bedroom, closing the door behind him. He drops down onto his bed and grabs his pillow, wrapping his arms around it. He wants Gwil to feel bad about what he’s done, he wants him to hurt when he thinks about it, but he doesn’t want _this_. This is no way to live, and it’s not helping either of them.

Rami glances over at his clock, and feels himself getting tired. It’s been a long week and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to get any better. He decides to push his blankets out of the way and just curl up on his mattress for a nap. He sets an alarm on his watch, and lets his eyes close, feeling heavy.

Rami groans when he hears his alarm wake him up two hours later. He manages to push himself up, feeling dazed and thrown off. He sits there for a couple of minutes, just trying to collect himself and his thoughts and wake up a bit before he pushes himself off his bed. He yawns loudly as he steps out into the flat, wiping at his eyes.

Gwil’s in the kitchen, setting out dishes, a couple brown bags on the table in front of him. He looks up when he hears Rami, pausing for a moment. “I was wondering if you were going to come out,” he says. “I didn’t know if I should knock or not.”

“What’s all this?” Rami asks, looking around. He leans over the table, opening up one of the bags. 

“Just fish and chips,” Gwil says, looking down. “I know it’s not much, but…well, I wasn’t in the mood to cook, and I thought you might like it. If not, I can— I can order you something else.”

“No, this fine,” Rami says. He rests his arms against the back of his chair, watching Gwil. He knows this is another apology of sorts. But he also knows that he’s not really the one that Gwil should be apologizing to anymore.

“I’ve just got off the phone,” Gwil says, walking over to the refrigerator.

Rami’s ears prick up a bit at that. He knows the odds are slim, but he hopes that Gwil was speaking to Ben.

“With my doctor,” Gwil continues, pouring he and Rami a drink.

“Oh?” Rami asks.

Gwil nods. “I haven’t seen her in awhile, and I think I should start again,” he says. “Since I’ve been behaving so terribly, I just thought it would help.” He looks over at Rami. “Although, I understand if you still want to leave.”

Rami frowns. “Leave?” he repeats. “What do you mean?”

Gwil shrugs. “Well, you said Ben isn’t staying with Joe, and I can’t imagine you’ve much interest in putting up with me any longer, so maybe it’d be better that way.”

“Gwil,” Rami says softly. “I…I want to stay. It’s going to take a lot of work, I think, but I don’t want that to mean that you can’t be my best mate anymore. I— I’m not running away. That can’t be your answer, either. That’s— that’s what you do. Something gets hard and you hide.” Gwil looks away from Rami. “I hate it. I know it’s hard, and I’m glad you’ve rang your doctor, but you have to want to change, Gwil. You can’t just do it for my sake. Or Roger’s. It has to be for you.” 

“I know you don’t believe me,” Gwil says. “And you shouldn’t. But I don’t _want_ to be like this. This isn’t the life I want for myself, Rami. It’s pretty shit, honestly. And if this is how it’s going to be from here on out, I’d just rather…not.”

“Not what?” Rami asks, but he knows the answer.

Gwil just looks at him sadly. "You know what."

Rami swallows hard. “Well, besides,” he starts, hoping to change the subject and make Gwil feel better, “I didn’t say Ben had moved out. He just hasn’t been home this week. Joe thinks he’ll come back this weekend.”

“Oh,” Gwil says. “I’m sure Joe will be pleased then.” He picks up their drinks, walking them over to the table. He pulls out his chair and sits down, opening one of the bags, taking out his order. 

Rami sits down across from him, opening the other bag. He reaches out to grab his drink, taking a sip. “Thank you for getting supper for us,” he says.

“You’re welcome,” Gwil replies. “And I don’t _want_ you to leave. I’d hate it, honestly. But you and Joe, you’re so sweet together, and I don’t— well, that’s all I meant.”

Rami smiles faintly at that. “When are you going to see your doctor?” he asks.

“Monday,” Gwil replies.

“Good,” Rami says, picking up a chip. He thinks for a moment. “You know, if you ever wanted me there, I’d come,” he offers.

“Really?” Gwil asks.

Rami nods. “Of course. Or I can just sit outside the office and wait for you, whatever you’d like.”

Gwil nods. “I would like that, I think. Thank you."

“Alright then,” Rami says, giving him a small smile. He tries to feel a little happier, but he knows it’s still not even close to being alright. He can’t really blame them, it’s not like mental health was a popular issue in the 1930s. They’re dealing with it the best way they can, and sometimes that’s good enough, but it’s not good enough for right now.

\+ + + + +

It’s after seven when Joe’s phone rings. He jumps, pausing the movie he’s watching, then reaches over to grab his phone. He can’t help the nervous fluttering in his stomach when he sees that it’s Ben. “Ben, buddy?” he asks quickly. “How are you?”

“I’m sorry it’s so late,” Ben says, and Joe frowns.

“It’s seven o’clock on a Friday,” Joe says, “I don’t think this classifies as late anywhere on earth.” He swallows. “Are you okay?” he asks.

“Mm-hmm,” Ben murmurs. “I…I just got done for the day, and I was wondering if you were home.”

Joe straightens up, nodding. “I am, yeah. Are you— are you coming home?”

“I think so,” Ben says softly. “I just wanted to make sure you’d be there.”

“I could get you, if you wanted,” Joe says. “I could drive out. You could sleep on the way back, or—”

“Joe, it’s fine,” Ben says. “Just give me a minute. I’ll be home in a bit. Alright?”

“Do you want me to get food while I’m waiting?” Joe asks. “Are you hungry?”

“Whatever you’d like is fine,” Ben says. He just sounds so tired and defeated. “I just want to see you.”

“Alright,” Joe says. “I’ll see you soon then, okay? Love you, Benny.”

“Love you,” Ben says, and then hangs up.

Joe blows out a heavy breath. He hasn’t heard Ben’s voice in days, but he sounds like shit. Nobody can compare to Joe, but Ben’s voice can be so animated and upbeat when he’s interested or excited about something. Right now, Ben just sounds like death.

Joe quickly runs out to pick up supper, feeling too nervous and jittery to make something for them. Then he just paces around the apartment, moving nervously through the rooms, making sure everything is neat, tidy, and ready for Ben’s return. As he moves around the kitchen, trying to decide on cutlery, he hears the key in the door, and he turns around, mouth falling open slightly.

Ben’s dressed normally, wearing a button-down and a nice pair of trousers. He’s carrying a small bag with him. But what strikes Joe immediately is that Ben just looks _tired_. Actually, he looks awful. His lips look dry and chapped, gnawed to hell (Joe can only imagine how bloody his thumbs probably are, without Joe there to keep him from chewing on them). He looks pale, except for the dark circles under his eyes, which give Ben a sort of hollow appearance. He’s moving slowly, sort of shuffling along, and Joe hurries over to Ben, pulling him in.

“Hi,” Joe says, and Ben’s arms tentatively wrap around Joe’s back, holding him close.

“Hi,” Ben says softly. “I’m so happy to see you.”

Joe squeezes his eyes shut, trying to keep tears from springing to them; Ben sounds so _sad_ , as if he didn’t really believe that Joe would really be here. “How are you?” he asks, trying to smile as he pulls back.

Ben shrugs weakly, and Joe reaches down, taking Ben’s bag from him. “It’s been alright,” he says, stepping a bit further into the flat, closing the door behind him.

“Yeah?” Joe asks, looking back at Ben as he carries Ben’s bag into his bedroom. He sets it down, then turns around. “You feeling better?”

Ben shrugs again, leaning against the counter. “I’m fine,” he says.

Joe swallows hard and walks over, grabbing Ben’s hand in his. “Benny,” he says, “are you okay? You look a little…have you been eating?” Joe asks.

“Some,” Ben replies.

“Well, I’ve got some good stuff here,” Joe says, gesturing to the containers on the counter. “Chinese, all the good stuff. Your favourites. Eat as much as you want, I got extra.”

“Mm,” Ben murmurs, giving Joe the weakest twitch of a smile.

Joe bites down on his lip for a moment, and then sighs, reaching out to wrap his arms around Ben again, pulling him towards him. “You’re going to be okay,” Joe whispers, starting to rub Ben’s back, “I promise.”

Ben just nods, clutching at the front of Joe’s shirt, holding him close. “I’m so sorry, Joe,” he says, and Joe just shushes him.

“It’s okay,” Joe says. 

“It’s not,” Ben says, and Joe shakes his head.

“Well, it will be,” Joe assures him, pulling back a bit to smile at Ben. “I’m…I just need to remember how awesome you are, okay? I know it’s hard sometimes, but Ben, this is okay. It’s going to be okay.” Ben doesn’t say anything, so Joe just sighs a little. “Rami forgives you,” he says finally. “So that’s something, right?”

“Really?” Ben asks, and Joe nods.

“Yeah,” Joe says.

“Good,” Ben says. “And what about you?” he asks, and Joe frowns.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“You must be angry with me too,” Ben replies. “After how upset I was with Gwil after Roger’s birthday, and then I hurt him even worse.”

“It was _not_ worse,” Joe says. “Not even close. I’m not angry with you, Ben. Not even a little, okay? So don’t be upset on my account. It’s fine. I— it’s fine.”

“What?” Ben asks.

“Nothing,” Joe says. “Just, maybe you should take a couple days vacation after the weekend,” he says. “I’m not sure that work is the best place for you right now.” 

“I’m going to get changed,” Ben says, going into his bedroom. He comes out in an old t-shirt and grey joggers. He sits down at the kitchen table, and Joe immediately hands him an overfilled plate before Ben can protest. Ben starts slowly eating it while Joe sits across from him, watching him carefully.

“So, what sort of work were you doing?” Joe asks, and Ben shrugs as he chews.

“The usual,” he replies, looking down at his plate.

“And how was it?” Joe asks.

“It’s alright,” Ben says.

“Right,” Joe says slowly, nodding. “And uh, um…” He sighs, drumming his fingers on the table. “Ben, can you just _talk_ to me for a minute?”

Ben looks at Joe, fork hovering halfway between the plate and his mouth. “I thought we were,” he says.

“I mean about _this_ ,” Joe says. “Or something. That requires more than a two-word answer.”

Ben pauses for a moment, and then sets his fork down, clattering against the plate. “Fine, what do you want to talk about then?”

“How much sleep did you get this week?” Joe asks.

Ben clears his throat, looking away. “Not much,” he says. “Probably a couple hours a night, I don’t know. I haven’t been feeling well.”

“Okay,” Joe says. “When’s the last time you ate?”

Ben thinks for a moment. “I had breakfast,” he says. 

“Right, and what was it?” Joe asks.

Ben looks down again. “A protein bar.”

“Right,” Joe says, sighing. “Okay. So. You’ve been sleeping like shit, eating like shit, I assume you’ve been feeling like shit too, and obviously you haven’t been listening to me at all when I tell you that this _isn’t your fault_. Okay? Gwil said those things to hurt you. That was the point; he wanted you to take it personally, but you shouldn’t. You’re better than that, okay? You’re better than him. I know it’s hard for you to remember that you’re a good person, that you’re smart, and kind, but you are, okay?” He reaches out to briefly squeeze Ben’s hand. “Have you heard from him?” he asks.

Ben snorts in disbelief. “Are you joking?”

“I don’t know,” Joe says. “Maybe Gwil drunk-dialled you or something. I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“No, I haven’t heard from him,” Ben says. “I’m not sure what he’d say. I don’t know what I’d say back. But you’ve— you talked to Rami, you said?” he asks. Joe nods. “How is he? How are— how are they?”

“Uh, Rami’s okay,” Joe says, nodding once. He reaches out, taking a drink. “He’s upset. He feels lied to, which is—”

“Fair, because we lied to him,” Ben says. “I asked you to.”

“Yeah well, I didn’t have to do it,” Joe says. “Um, but, I don’t know. We haven’t talked a lot, but I think we’re going to be okay.” He pauses for a moment. “He read the letters. He said Roger was happy.”

Ben nods. “He was,” he says. “That’s why they were so hard to read.”

Joe nods once. “And uh, well. As for Gwil, I don’t know. He’s probably doing pretty awful, if I had to guess. But he didn’t ask Rami to dump me, so that’s a win.”

“Did you ask Rami to dump him?” Ben asks, and Joe smiles.

“I— no,” Joe says, “but. I don’t know. I still can’t tell if Gwil’s a good guy who did a bad thing, or if he’s just a bad guy. Doesn’t really matter either way.”

“It does,” Ben says. “And I don’t think he’s a bad guy.”

“What makes you say that?” Joe asks.

“Because I know what bad guys are like," Ben says quietly. He frowns, looking down at his plate. "Paul was a bad guy."

Joe sighs. “Well, yeah, you’re not wrong there, that’s for sure. But being better than Paul doesn’t make Gwil good. And you don’t have to forgive him, you know. Rami said he’s sorry, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it.”

“I know,” Ben says. “He doesn’t have to forgive me either.”

“It’s not the same, Ben,” Joe says insistently, leaning across the table towards him. “What you did, what he did, it’s not—”

“I still wanted to hurt him,” Ben says. “I was still jealous. You can say all you want that what Gwil did was worse but it doesn’t excuse what _I_ did.” He pushes his plate away from him and then pushes his chair back from the table. “I’m going to go to bed,” he says.

“Ben, come on,” Joe says, standing up as well.

“I’m just tired,” Ben says, reaching back to scratching at his neck. "I just need a rest."

Joe sighs. “Of course,” he says, reaching out to take Ben’s plate. “I’ll take care of this.”

“Joe?” Ben asks. "Can I stay with you? Is that alright?”

“Yeah,” Joe says, nodding. “Of course. I uh, I probably won’t be in for awhile, though, is that okay?”

Ben shrugs. “That’s alright,” he says. “I just want to go in now, okay?”

“Okay,” Joe says, nodding. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Ben replies, and he turns, heading into Joe’s room, closing the door behind him. 

Joe looks at the door, and then down at the plate in his hand, and sighs, resisting the urge to throw it against the wall.

\+ + + + +

Joe brushes his teeth and and takes off his shorts, leaving them behind in the bathroom before heading into his bedroom wearing just his t-shirt and boxers, moving quietly. He blinks a couple times to see what side of the bed Ben’s on, then walks over to the side nearest the window, pushing back the blankets and climbing in alongside him. He shifts a couple times, trying to get settled as quickly as possible, not wanting to wake Ben.

Ben is curled up on his side, facing Joe, his arms wrapped around one of his pillows. His hair is a mess, and when Joe reaches out to push the pillow a bit further away from Ben’s mouth, he feels the fabric still a bit damp with tears. Joe’s heart clenches, and he snuggles in closely to him. Ben makes a quiet noise, but doesn’t seem to wake up, so Joe just closes his eyes, and tries to fall asleep.

It seems like only a second later that he can feel himself being pushed away, Ben hurriedly climbing out of the bed, but when Joe glances at his clock, he realizes it’s been over an hour. Ben leaves the door open and Joe can see the light from the bathroom, and then the sounds of Ben being sick.

Joe sits up, blearily wiping at his eyes, before realizing what’s happening and pushing himself up, hurrying into the bathroom after Ben.

Ben groans and wipes at his mouth, reaching up to the flush the toilet. He looks over at Joe, not realizing that he’d followed him. “Sorry,” he says, voice rough. He coughs a couple times, and then spits into the toilet. “Didn’t mean to wake you,” he says.

“It’s okay,” Joe says, crouching down in front of Ben, reaching up to press his hand to Ben’s forehead. “You’re not too warm, are you okay?” he asks.

Ben nods, bringing his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them. “It’s happened a couple times this week,” he says softly, seemingly already half-asleep again. “I think it’s stress.”

“Yeah, probably,” Joe says. He reaches out and pulls Ben up by his underarms, wrapping his arm around Ben’s waist to guide him back into the bedroom. He helps him into bed, arranging the blankets around him, and then goes into the kitchen to grab him a glass of water. By the time he comes back in, Ben’s either fallen asleep or he’s good at faking, so he just sets the glass down on the nightstand and gets back into bed. If this is making Ben sick, no wonder he looks like shit, Joe thinks, staring up at the ceiling. “Fuck,” he says softly.

\+ + + + +

When Joe wakes up the next day, Ben is already up, tucked under a blanket on the sofa, watching television. Joe brews a couple cups of coffee, and walks in, handing one to Ben. “Feeling better?” he asks.

“I am,” Ben replies, taking a sip. “I slept well after.”

“Good,” Joe says, reaching out to playfully ruffle Ben’s hair. “I was worried.”

“Mm,” Ben says, nodding. “Um, I was wondering— uh, do you think Rami would see me? Or even just speak to me? I want to apologize to him, tell him how sorry I am.”

“Uh, I can call him,” Joe says. “We were supposed to get coffee together today, did you want to come with?”

“God no,” Ben says, shaking his head. “I mean, no offence, but I’m not really up for going out.”

“Yeah, right,” Joe says. “Um, well, I’ll go out with him, and then I’ll ask if he can swing by for a minute. I think he will.”

Ben smiles at him gratefully. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Joe says, resting against Ben’s side. “You got any big plans for the day?” he asks.

“Mm,” Ben replies, looking back at the television.

Joe frowns, but doesn’t push. He doesn’t think Ben’s actually doing anything today. He can’t imagine what it would be.

\+ + + + +

Joe unlocks the door to the flat, looking over at Rami, who’s looking back at him, seeming a bit nervous. “Thanks again,” he says. “I think he’ll just be a minute.”

“It’s alright,” Rami says, looking over at Joe as they step into the apartment. “I do want to see him. Especially…” Rami trails off, looking around the flat, not seeing Ben.

“Hey, Ben!” Joe calls, tossing the keys on the counter.

Ben comes out of his room, closing the door behind him, walking slowly into the kitchen. “Hi,” he says. He lets out a heavy breath, and then walks over to the two of them, keeping a few feet between him and Rami, just in case. “Hi, Rami.”

Rami’s eyes flick over Ben, taking in the sight of him. It’s only been a few days, but Ben looks ill. “Hi,” he says finally.

“I won’t keep you long,” Ben says. “I’m sure I’m the last person you want to see right now. But I wanted to tell you. I am sorry. I know you might not believe me, but I _am_. I admit, honestly, when I decided not to tell Gwil about the letters, I wasn’t even thinking of you. I should have been. I should’ve— well, I should’ve told Gwil right away, but even if I didn’t want to, I should have told you. I know you loved Roger too. And he loved you, at least based on those letters.” Ben looks away when he realizes what he said, reminding Rami that he invaded his privacy. “And I’m sorry for reading them in the first place. It was terrible of me. It’s, this is the worst thing I’ve ever done, to read them and keep them from you both. I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I just wanted to let you know, I’m sorry. Really.”

Rami nods. “I know. I believe you, and I forgive you. Thank you,” he says. 

"Really?" Ben asks.

Rami nods. “I’m sorry for what Gwil—”

Ben shakes his head. “Oh, no, don’t worry about that,” he says. “That’s not— it wasn’t your fault. But, I am also sorry that we kept it from you, our being together. You’re my mate. Or.” He freezes, looking at Rami. “You were, at least. I'd like to be again. And don’t blame Joe. I didn’t tell him either, he guessed it, actually, so. You know.” He nods a couple times. “I hope you’re both alright,” he says.

Rami sighs. “I’m…not sure,” he admits. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t let what I did hurt what you have with Gwil, or Joe,” Ben says. “I’d hate it if I hurt anybody anymore than I already have.”

“It’s fine,” Rami says. “We’ll be fine. I hope that you’re doing well, though, Ben. You're still my mate, I promise. But, you look…”

“I’m fine,” Ben says, nodding. “Actually, Rami, before you go, I just have something. Can you wait a tick?”

Rami nods, and they watch as Ben hurries back into his room.

Joe sighs, looking over at Rami. “Sorry, he’s a little on edge,” he says softly. He starts pacing around a little bit, glancing into the living room, frowning. He freezes. “Ben?” he calls.

“What’s wrong?” Rami asks.

Joe nods towards the bookshelf, and Rami’s eyes widen a bit once he sees what Joe means: it’s half empty now. Everything there that belonged to Ben is gone. Joe hurries towards Ben’s room, not knocking before he pushes the door open.

“Just a sec,” Ben says, looking down, digging through a bag on his bed.

“What are you doing?” Joe asks, walking over to Ben.

Rami follows behind, but stays near the door, taking in Ben’s room. It’s…a mess, he thinks. There are unfolded boxes and empty bags on the floor, and there’s a huge pile of clothes on the floor. Books on his bed.

“Here,” Ben says, turning around, holding a book out to Rami. “I thought you’d like this.”

“What the fuck is this?” Joe demands.

“Thank you,” Rami says, reaching out to take the book from Ben. He doesn’t even look at it, just holds it to his chest.

“What do you mean?” Ben asks, looking at Joe.

“What’s with the boxes?” Joe asks.

Ben shrugs, looking around. “Just…packing,” he says simply. “I got the boxes out of storage while you were gone.”

“What do you mean?” Joe asks. “I— Ben, come on. Are you seriously going to fucking move into the Operations Centre? That’s bullshit, come on. You’re— you’re sick, okay, and I should be with you. Come on Ben, let me take care of you."

“No,” Ben says softly, and Joe frowns.

“I’m sorry?” Joe asks.

“No, I’m not moving into the Operations Centre,” Ben says.

“Well, what?” Joe asks, looking back at Rami, who looks as confused as he feels. “Again, I will ask, _what the fuck is happening_?”

Ben bites down on his lip and sits down on the edge of his bed, looking up at the two of them. “I’m moving home,” he says.

“ _What_?” Joe asks.

“What do you mean?” Rami asks, taking a step towards him.

Ben shrugs, and reaches up to wipe at his face, gently clearing his throat. “I’m moving back to London,” he says.

Rami glances back at Joe, and Joe feels like his heart is sinking all the way down into the floor. “London?” he repeats. Ben just nods. _Fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • you wanted reunions, I'm giving you reunions! and hugs! and kisses!  
> • guys, Rami and Joe really are going to be fine, I promise.  
> • I mean, they're ALL going to be fine. eventually. I promise that too.  
> • I'm trying to not think about how few chapters are left and what my life will be like when I'm not writing this everyday.  
> • at work today though, one of my supervisors told me her favourite Queen song is _also_ '39, so! pretty happy!


	31. Chapter 31

After Rami excuses himself, giving Joe a quick kiss on the way out, thanking Ben again for the book, Ben starts moving around his room, organizing his things. Joe just stands there, watching Ben in shock.

“ _London_?” Joe asks, and Ben just nods. “Uh, no. No, you are not.”

“Joe, it’s for the best,” Ben says, exasperated.

“For who?” Joe asks. “Sure as hell not for me!”

“For _me_ ,” Ben says. “For all of us, really. Just think about it. If I leave, you and Rami can spend as much time here as you want. You don’t have to see Gwil, no one has to see me. It’s perfect, okay?”

“No, it’s not!” Joe says. “It’s not perfect. You’re my best friend. You moving to London and leaving me in Perth is _not_ part of the goddamn plan.” He shakes his head furiously, crossing his arms. “Ben, come on. You can’t— this— ugh, Ben. I am telling you right now this is not good for you. You shouldn’t be alone.”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Ben insists.

“You can’t sleep without throwing up!” Joe exclaims. “You’re exhausted, you’re sad, you’re sick.”

“Gee, thanks, Joe,” Ben mutters.

Joe reaches out, taking Ben by the shoulders. “Ben, what you need is to be around people. Me, and Rami. And—” he clears his throat and shakes his head. “Okay, maybe not Gwil, but maybe someday!” Ben scoffs. “Ben, you need someone to talk to. All the time.”

“I’m not a child,” Ben says.

“It’s not about you being a child, Ben,” Joe says. “It’s okay to admit you need help. I think you’ve needed it for awhile, and maybe it’s on me that I didn’t— that I didn’t know how to take care of you. I mean, you— you can’t take a compliment. You talk shit about yourself _all_ the time. I mean, I can’t call you handsome without—”

“ _Stop_ ,” Ben says, shrugging Joe’s hands off him.

“See!” Joe says.

“Joe, stop,” Ben says again. “This isn’t your fault. Okay? You’ve been my best mate since the day we met even though I didn’t want you to be! You do so much for me, okay? You do too much. And I— I just want a fresh start. I thought— just another one. This will be the one that sticks.”

“Benny,” Joe says softly. “This isn’t a fresh start. This is torture. What are you going to do in London alone?”

“Just…live,” Ben says. “And I won’t have to think about Gwil. Or Paul. Or Roger.”

“Or me?” Joe asks.

Ben sniffles, giving Joe a broken smile. “I’ll always think about you. You know that.”

“It’d be easier to think about me if you were living with me,” Joe says, “right here, in this flat. In Perth. Where we are right now.”

Ben sighs. “Joe, _please_. I know you think this is a bad thing, but I really think it’s going to help. I’m not doing this to run away from this.”

“That’s _exactly_ what you’re doing,” Joe mutters.

“I’m just trying to be—” Ben sighs. “I’ve never really been on my own. I mean, I’m on my own, all the time, as you like to point out. But not really. Paul was there at uni and you’ve been there since and maybe I just need to try this out for myself.” He shakes his head, looking back at the things on his bed.

Joe swallows hard. “I mean, is this…so it’s over then?” he asks.

“What?” Ben asks, looking back at him.

“This,” Joe says, “the program.”

Ben sighs, shaking his head. “No, it’s not over. I just failed. You can stay here as long as you want. As long as you and Rami want. I'll make sure of it.”

“Ben,” Joe says softly, collapsing onto Ben’s bed, watching him folding his clothes, packing them into his suitcase. “You didn’t fail.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “I think Gwil would rather die than ever talk to me again,” he says, “so what would you call that?”

“A mistake,” Joe says. “You made a mistake. And oh my god, can we please stop acting like what Gwil thinks and what Gwil wants is the most important thing in the fucking world? So what, you hid some letters from him! Ben, he fucked you over in every way imaginable. You don’t have to leave. You don’t ever have to see Gwil again either, but _please_ don’t go. Okay? Please stay.”

“They weren’t just _some_ letters,” Ben says. “Joe. What, what would you do if I found a letter your father wrote, right before he died, and I thought the best thing to do was hide it from you?”

“Ben,” Joe says, looking up at him. "That's not—”

Ben shakes his head. “No, what would you do? Not one letter, a bunch of letters, about how much he loved you, and how proud he was of you, and how happy he wanted you to be. You can’t honestly say you’d be alright with me taking those from you.” He blinks a couple times, tears starting to fill his eyes. “Joe, I messed up. And I know you don’t want to admit that, because you’re angry at Gwil, and I am too. And because you love me, and you want to protect me. But I hurt them. You know that. Yeah, you’re right. I’m fucked up. I can’t take a compliment. Gwil tried to call me beautiful and I freaked out at him. My ex-boyfriend used to call me a slag and a fucking idiot. But that doesn’t mean that what I did was right.”

Joe looks down at his lap, sniffling softly. After a moment, he looks up again. “You can move into the crew quarters here. And I’ll visit you every night. That's my final offer.”

“ _Joe_ ,” Ben says. “It’s a two-hour train ride to London. You can visit me there whenever you want.”

Joe bites down on his lip, trying to keep it from trembling. “You’re serious about this then.”

Ben sighs. “I am. I’ve already spoken to my supervisor about it. He says it’s fine. Hartstone too. She seemed eager to get me back. I don’t know. Maybe some new program. She didn't say.”

“So when are you leaving?” Joe asks. “Today?” he asks.

Ben shakes his head. “No,” he replies. “I won’t be done packing.”

“Then when?” Joe asks.

Ben sighs. “I was thinking tomorrow,” he says. “The movers are coming for most of my stuff on Tuesday,” he says. “I’m just going to take a couple bags with me on the train.”

“Ben,” Joe says, reaching out him, trying to grab Ben’s arm to keep him from moving around the room. “Ben, you’re my best friend.”

Ben nods. “I know. You’re mine too. You always will be. Me moving doesn’t change that. I just need space and time. I need to be in London again.” He gives Joe a smile, but Joe doesn’t smile back. Ben sighs and drops down on the bed next to Joe, looking over at him. “Joe, I have to.”

Joe shakes his head. “You don’t, though.”

“ _Joe_ ,” Ben says insistently. “I messed up. Okay? I know you keep telling me what I did wasn’t wrong, or it wasn’t that bad, but you have no idea how— I’m sorry for what I did, but I’m embarrassed. I’m _ashamed_ of it. I took the thing that Gwil wanted most in the world and I hid it from him because I was jealous. That’s not something a good person does. So, I just need…I went back to work to try to keep my mind off Gwil. That didn’t work. At least if I go to London, we can all start over.”

“What about me, though?” Joe asks quietly. 

Ben shrugs. “I’ll be there,” he says. “You can call me whenever you want. Stay with me on the weekends. Come down during the week, we can get lunch. Joe, come on. It’s going to be okay.”

Joe nods, but his eyes are filling with tears, and he doesn’t actually believe it. “It’s just…Gwil fucked up. And he’s not running away. You both made mistakes. You don’t have to get over it but why can’t you just— he can apologize, and you can apologize, and it’ll be fine.”

“Joe, you don't understand," Ben says, "even if he forgave me, I’d still feel too guilty about what I did.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to exile yourself.”

“Remember when you didn’t want to move to Perth?” Ben asks. “Now living in London is _exile_? Joe, it’s my home.”

Joe sighs. “Well, I don’t like this one fucking bit, okay? You’re letting Gwil, _Gwil_ of all people, chase you out of town!”

“I haven’t talked to Gwil since Saturday,” Ben says. “He’s not the one making me go. I’ll be alright.” Joe pouts a little, until Ben reaches up, pushing some auburn hair back from his forehead, and presses a playful kiss to his temple. “Now do you want to help me pack?” he asks.

Joe sighs. “I hate packing,” he mutters, and Ben smiles.

“I know,” Ben says, “but will you help me anyway?” he asks.

Joe groans loudly. He wants to say no, tell him that Ben’s not going, Joe will tie him up and lock him in his bedroom before he lets him move back to London without him. He can’t believe his best friend is leaving him. Ever since Ben started at the IIS, they’ve worked together. They’ve lived near enough to each other that they can walk to the other’s flat in just a few minutes. Living with Ben for the last four months has been the _best_. 

But Ben is his best friend. And if he says this is what he wants, what he _needs_ to feel better, then… “Fine,” he says, shaking his head. “I’ll help.”

“Thank you,” Ben says, standing up.

“ _And_ I’m going with you,” Joe says. Ben frowns, looking over at him. “To drop you off,” Joe corrects. “So, make sure you get two train tickets, okay? One return.”

After a moment, Ben smiles, and nods. “Okay,” he agrees.

Joe feels sick watching Ben put his life into boxes. Sure, maybe what Ben did wasn't okay, but _this_? This isn’t fair to anybody.

\+ + + + +

They finish packing Ben’s things, and Joe looks around, taking in just how empty it all looks without his stuff around. Joe hates it.

“So what are we going to do for your last night here?” he asks, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

Ben looks over at him, zipping up his duffle bag. “Whatever you’d like,” he says.

Joe shakes his head. “That’s not fair, no way. Whatever you want, it’s your last night.”

Ben just shrugs. He pauses for a moment, and Joe can tell he’s thinking of something, and whatever it is, it makes him smile sadly.

“What?” Joe asks, and Ben shakes his head. 

“Nothing,” Ben says softly. “Really, Joe, whatever you’d like. Dinner and a movie?” he asks.

Joe nods after a moment. “Sure, sounds great. You wanna stay here, order in?”

Ben shakes his head. “No, let’s go out,” and that, at least, makes Joe smile.

Dinner isn’t much to write home about; it’s not one of the nicest places in Perth, but the booth is cozy and the food is good, and Joe’s on the verge of crying every time he looks at Ben, whereas Ben at least sort of looks like he’s keeping it together. Or he’s hiding it well if he’s not. Maybe Ben’s right then, Joe thinks. If even just thinking about moving to London makes Ben feel better, then maybe this really is for the best.

They walk over to the movie theatre, neither of them really saying anything. Joe knows if he opens his mouth, he’s just going to try to convince Ben to stay, or asking him if he’s sure about this. And as much as he wants to talk to Ben, he knows that Ben will just end up apologizing again, and insisting he has to leave. Focusing so much on the fact that it’s Ben’s last night in Perth makes it almost impossible for Joe to actually enjoy it, as much as he desperately wants to.

\+ + + + +

Ben shuffles into his bedroom, taking off his shirt as he goes. He realizes he has to pack it, and carefully folds it, tucking it into his already full duffle bag. He pushes off his shorts, and packs those as well, grabbing the t-shirt he left out to sleep in, tugging it over his head. He pushes his bedsheets back and climbs in. He stretches out, trying to crack his back, and then yawns, rolling onto his stomach. He turns his head to the side, reaching out as he runs his fingers over the empty space in the bed. It makes his stomach clench, and he squeezes his eyes shut, thinking about what he could have had if he hadn’t done everything wrong.

More time, that’s all they needed. He and Gwil moved too fast, before either of them were ready. Gwil with Roger, Ben with Paul. They screwed up. If they’d waited, maybe it could have worked. It _would_ have worked, Ben tells himself. Now they’ll probably never even speak again.

He sniffles, turning his face, trying to bury it in the mattress. He takes a few deep, shuddering breaths, and slowly turns, pushing the blankets off. He walks over to his door, opens it, and crosses the hall to Joe’s room. He knocks lightly on the door, waiting for a moment. He hears Joe moving inside, and then the doors opens up.

“Hey buddy,” Joe says, rubbing at his face, stepping back to let Ben in.

“Cheers,” Ben says, rubbing at the back of his neck as he walks over to Joe’s bed, crawling in.

“You sick again?” Joe asks, climbing back into bed, looking over at Ben.

Ben shakes his head. “Just…didn’t want to be alone in there,” he replies. “When I’m alone, I think—” He cuts himself off, giving Joe a sad smile. 

“Ben, you shouldn’t move to London,” Joe says. “Not if you can’t even stay in your own room by yourself. You know you’ll be sleeping alone there too. What are you going to do?”

“Work,” Ben replies. “I’ll be working. I’ll be distracted. I’ll start going to the gym again to tire myself out, if I have time. Besides, the memories are different there. I’ll be alright.”

“But Ben, I’m gonna miss you,” Joe says, and Ben nods.

“I know,” Ben replies. “I’m sorry. I’m gonna miss you too, mate.” He smiles sadly. “You’re the only one I’ve got left.” He's not sure if that's true, he might still have Rami, but he doesn't know.

“And you’re never going to get rid of me,” Joe says.

“I know,” Ben says softly. “I’ve been trying for years.” He chuckles bitterly, and then has to close his eyes before he gets too upset. He feels Joe shift next to him, moving closer, and Ben swallows hard. He has Joe, he tells himself. At least he’ll always have Joe.

\+ + + + +

Joe nervously knocks on the door to Rami’s flat. Rami had buzzed him in, so at least he knows he’s here. He hopes that means Gwil won’t answer the door. Joe’s not in the mood to get punched in the face right now. Or to punch anybody himself. He breathes a small sigh of relief when Rami opens up, and smiles at him. “Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” Rami says, leaning in to give him a quick kiss before stepping back, letting Joe into the flat. 

Joe freezes when he sees Gwil in the kitchen, washing dishes, and he quickly looks away. “Uh…”

Rami glances over at Gwil, who seems to be ignoring them both. 

“Anyway,” Joe says, “um, I just want to drop in and say goodbye before I leave.” He looks over at Gwil, gauging his reaction. He doesn’t know what, if anything, Rami’s told him, but Gwil really does seem to have tuned them both out. Or he’s _very_ good at pretending he has.

“How long are you staying?” Rami asks. 

“Just the night,” Joe says. “And then I might go down again later in the week to help him unpack; I’m not sure yet. Depends on what he wants, I guess.”

“Right,” Rami says, nodding. “Well, I know it’s just a train ride, but please be safe, won’t you?”

Joe smiles and nods. “Of course, I will. I’ll text when we get there.”

“Okay,” Rami says. They both glance over at Gwil again, who’s taking his time drying a mug. “Gwil?” he asks, and Gwil doesn’t look over. They can see his jaw clench though, like he’s trying to bite down on his words.

“Okay, well, we gotta catch our train,” Joe says, and he walks back to the door. He steps out into the hallway, and then turns to look back at Rami. “Did you tell him?” he asks softly, leaning in towards him. Rami nods. “What did he say?” Joe asks.

Rami just shakes his head. “Nothing,” he says. “He seemed…upset, but I don’t know if that matters anymore.”

“Right,” Joe says. “Okay. Well, I’ll be back soon, okay?” he says. Rami nods. He leans in and gives Rami a kiss, cupping his face in his hands for a few moments, holding him there, before stepping back. “I love you,” he says.

“I love you, too,” Rami says, and then he steps back, giving him a wave before closing the door. Rami glances over at Gwil, who’s still drying that one mug, obviously having been listening to the two of them the whole time. “Are you happy?” he asks.

Gwil looks over at him. “Why would I be?”

Rami just shakes his head. “I think it would mean a lot to Ben if you just heard his apology. And probably if you gave him one too. Neither of you have to forgive the other one, but just say you’re sorry. You feel guilty. He feels guilty. I mean, he feels so guilty he’s moving five hundred miles away.”

“Nobody asked him to,” Gwil says softly, pushing the mug up onto the shelf. 

“Aren’t you going to miss him?” Rami asks. “Ask him to stay.”

Gwil scoffs, shaking his head. “Why would he? After what I did? He’d be an idiot to stay in Perth for me.” He quickly moves on to drying a plate, but then he suddenly abandons it and the cloth on the counter, heading into his bedroom. He mostly closes the door behind him, leaving it open just a bit as he starts to pace around the room, trying not to cry. He starts wringing his hands together, twisting his ring, biting down on his lip to stifle a sob. When Rami had come back to the flat yesterday, a little quiet and just seeming a bit _off_ , Gwil had demanded to know what had happened. He was so worried that Joe had said or done something. But he hadn’t. Instead, Rami told him that he’d gone to the flat to hear Ben apologize, and Ben had told him he was moving back to London.

Gwil had been shocked. He thought surely Rami was lying in some attempt to get Gwil to reach out to Ben, to apologize, to let him apologize. Ben wouldn’t _leave_. He would never move anywhere without Joe. But it turns out, he would. He was going to. Today.

Part of Gwil was still angry with him, but mostly he’s just angry with himself. Things would never go back to even being _close_ to the way they were. But Ben was there. He’d been there. Since the beginning. Gwil didn’t think he’d have come nearly as far without Ben as he has. Ben was the entire reason for the program. Without him, he and Rami would’ve just been…god, they’d probably still be living in crew quarters. Isolated from the world. Or maybe even worse, just left to figure everything out for themselves. Nobody to guide them at all. There was a good chance that Gwil never would have made it out of there alive, if it weren’t for Ben’s intervention.

Maybe Gwil could handle that for himself; he never cared that much about what happened to him. But everything that Ben had done for _Rami_. He helped take care of him when Gwil couldn’t. And he’d become so close to him. Rami loved Ben. And in a way, Ben had given him Joe. And Rami’s family. The journal. 

Gwil sits down on the edge of his bed, hands shaking as he clasps them together. He was so angry with Ben at the time; the things he said to him, he'd wanted to say even worse. He'd wanted to hurt Ben like Ben had hurt him. 

But now, Gwil’s stomach twists at the idea of Ben in London. Alone. Ben who was always alone, but never seemed to enjoy it. Ben, who seemed lonely even when he was with his friends. He doesn’t want Ben to be alone. He wants him to be happy. 

Gwil smiles bitterly, reaching up to wipe furiously at his face. Despite what Ben had done to him, Gwil could still feel it in his heart that he loved him. And despite everything he had done to Ben, Ben still loved him. Or he did. Maybe he still did, but either way, Gwil ruined it. Ben would go to London, and they’d go weeks, probably months, without seeing each other again. Maybe at some far-off IIS event, or if Rami and Joe decide to force them together for a birthday or holiday. But it would never be the same.

He wishes he could take it all back. He’d do anything for more time. For the past four months, he was desperate to go back a hundred years. To stop himself from going on the Mercury. To say goodbye to Roger, tell him everything he didn’t tell him back then. Just see him one last time. Those wide blue eyes.

Now, Gwil thinks, he’d kill to just go back to that day at the beach. When he’d kissed Ben, and Ben had kissed him back. It was one of the best days of his life. He didn’t realize then just how badly it was all going to go.

He still loves Ben. But more than anything, he hates himself for ruining it all.

\+ + + + +

Ben unlocks the door to his flat, reaching in to the flick the light on before he walks in.

“Home again, home again,” Joe says softly, looking around as he follows Ben. He’d almost forgotten what Ben’s flat actually looked like, it’s been so long. The places they left behind never really crossed his mind during their time in Perth. Not once he found Rami, anyway.

“It’s not so bad, is it?” Ben asks. “Still looks alright.”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Joe says. He sighs, setting his bag down on the floor by the door. “It’s not as nice as _ours_ , but sure.”

“I don’t mind it,” Ben says. He walks around, flicking on more lights, opening a couple windows, trying to brighten the place up and air it out a bit. 

Joe hovers back by the door, watching as Ben walks into his bedroom. He figured Ben would turn them around before they got on the train, that this wasn’t seriously going to happen. Once they were actually _on_ the train, Joe hoped Ben would suggest they’d turn around in Edinburgh. Nope. They got into Kings Cross, and by then, Joe was one hundred percent sure Ben wasn’t going to go through it with it, but then they got on the tube, and Ben showed no signs of stopping.

Part of Joe wants to just turn around leave right now, without saying goodbye to Ben, without telling him he’ll miss him, just to make it easier on himself. Maybe he would, if it were under different circumstances, and Ben wasn’t currently convinced that nobody loves him and he’s worthless. But he can’t just disappear on him now. 

Ben walks out after a moment, smiling over at Joe. “So?” he asks. “What did you want to get up to then?”

Joe sighs. “Uh, whatever you’d like. We just did dinner and a movie last night, so…”

Ben grins. “Wanna do it again?” he asks.

Joe thinks for a moment, and then nods eagerly. “Yeah, I’d like that,” he says, smiling back.

They leave Ben’s flat and head towards Leicester Square, which Ben’s always found to be a bit too touristy, but it has a Shake Shack and a movie theatre, so Joe’s happy, at least. They settle in, and get their usual orders that they haven’t had in months since moving to Perth, and for a minute, it makes Joe forget everything that’s happened. It’s just him and Ben, and everything’s okay again. Like it used to be, months ago. Before the Mercury.

\+ + + + +

Joe suddenly understands the appeal of Ben nervously gnawing on his thumb, because he’s about to walk out and leave Ben behind and he can barely keep his hands down by his side. He can’t do this. How is he supposed to do this? Just walk out, and get on the train without his best friend?

Ben smiles at Joe. “Text me when you’re home alright, yeah?”

Joe scoffs. “I’m just going to FaceTime you for the entire train ride, don’t worry about it.”

Ben laughs softly. “I won’t mind.”

“I’m gonna nap the whole time though so it’s just going to be me snoring,” Joe says. “Talking in my sleep about you.”

Ben laughs again, nodding. “Alright.”

Joe sighs, glancing back towards the door of Ben’s flat. “Or, you know, you can come home with me.”

Ben nods. “I know,” he says.

“Last chance,” Joe continues. “Except not really, because you can catch any train, you know? Today, tomorrow…I’ll be there.”

“Right,” Ben says softly.

“That’s your home, Ben,” Joe says. “Not here. This is just temporary, you know that, right? We’ll give it a few days to settle down, you’ll work on you, and it’ll all be fine.”

Ben smiles sadly, but he doesn’t say anything.

Joe shifts on his feet, glancing down at his watch. “Do you ever wish—” He smiles and cuts himself off. “You know, Ben,” he says, starting over. “I would’ve made a good boyfriend.”

Ben rolls his eyes, grinning. “You do make a brilliant boyfriend,” he says. “Rami loves you.”

“I meant for you,” Joe says. “Too bad you didn’t get to me first, huh? But Rami’s gone and scooped me up.”

Ben shakes his head. “Joe, I love you. And you love me. But we were never going to be boyfriends. Not in a million years.”

Joe gasps, faking offence. “Rude!” He smiles. “Okay, fine. I _know_ that. Trust me, this isn’t some weird love confession or anything because _trust_ me that ship has sailed. No offence, but, Rami’s kind of my everything.” Ben grins, nodding. Joe sighs. “I just mean, I wish— if I was your boyfriend, I’d make sure you never felt like this. I wouldn’t have treated you the way they did.”

Ben nods. “I know,” he replies. “But you’re my best friend, and that’s even better. Because I know you’re going to be there till the end.”

“Yeah, but,” Joe sighs, “I’m your best friend, and I still don’t know how to fix this. Or you. Make you feel better.”

“I’ll be okay,” Ben says. “I’m gonna be okay. I’m here, and I’ll— I’ll get used to it, you’ll get used to it. You’ve done all you can, okay? And I really appreciate you not— I know I messed up, but I really appreciate you sticking with me through it, yeah?”

“You’d do the same for me,” Joe says. “Did you _really_ think you could get rid of me that easily? I mean, I know that’s why you did it. You thought you’d finally found the one thing that would send me packing, but Benny boy, were you wrong.” He glances at his watch and then shifts on his feet, launching himself at Ben, pulling him into a hug. “Keep your key,” he says softly, clutching at him. “It’s your home too, you know that, right? The door’s always open.”

Ben smiles, holding Joe tightly. “If the door's always open, then why do I need a key?” he teases.

Joe rolls his eyes and pushes Ben back. “I’m _trying_ to have a heartfelt moment here, Ben. _Me_ , for once.”

“You’re right,” Ben says, “I’m sorry.” He pulls Joe back into a hug. “I’m only a couple hours away,” he reminds him.

Joe nods. “I just— I can’t believe I’m going to leave you here alone,” he says. He pulls back a bit. “Ben, if you _ever_ feel like it’s too much, or you need help, or you’re going to do something, just— if something happens to you because I left you alone, I would hate myself. You know that right?”

Ben nods, reaching up to wipe quickly at his eyes. “I know,” he says. “And— I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I want you to not to do it to _yourself_ ,” Joe says, “but…if not wanting to hurt me is what it takes, then okay. Just picture this pretty face.”

Ben grins. “I’ll make you the wallpaper on my phone, how’s that?”

Joe smiles back. “It’s literally all I’ve ever wanted.” He glances at his watch again, and Ben sighs, pushing at his chest.

“You’ve gotta go,” Ben says, reaching down to pick up Joe’s bag, handing it to him. “I’ll be alright.”

Joe nods. “I could—”

“If you don’t leave now, you’re never going to leave,” Ben says. “And I don’t want Rami to miss you. I don't want to see him angry.”

Joe smiles faintly at that. “I really love him, you know.”

Ben bites down on his lip and nods. “I know. And he loves you. You’re a brilliant boyfriend, remember?”

“I’ll text when I get home,” Joe says, reaching out, his hand on the door knob.

Ben nods. “Not if I text you first.”

“Oh, please do,” Joe says. “Well, I’ll uh, I’ll go then,” he says. “And I’ll see you soon. Have fun at work tomorrow, okay?”

Ben nods. “Have a safe ride home.”

Joe leans in for another quick hug, and then pulls back, but leans in to squeeze him close again. “Bye, Ben.”

“Bye, Joe,” Ben whispers, and then Joe pulls back, opening the door, and hurrying out of Ben’s flat, pulling the door closed behind him. 

Joe leans against the door for a moment, knowing that he’s not actually saying goodbye to Ben and that they’ll only be a couple hours away from each other (hell, they could each take the train and meet somewhere in the middle), but he can’t help but feel like a piece of shit for leaving Ben right now. Even though Ben’s told him to go. It takes him another minute or two before he can push himself off, walking down the stairs to the front door. He wishes he knew a better way to help.

\+ + + + +

Gwil bites down on his lip, looking over at Rami, who’s sitting in the chair next to him as they wait for Gwil’s doctor to call him in.

“Are you alright?” Rami asks.

Gwil looks away, down at his lap, and then shrugs. “No,” he admits softly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rami asks.

Gwil looks up, smiling weakly. “Isn’t that why I’m here?”

Rami chuckles softly. “I meant with me,” he says, reaching out to squeeze Gwil’s shoulder. “I think it’s good that you’re here.”

“I’m nervous,” Gwil says, looking down again.

“About what?” Rami asks.

“What if I can’t be fixed?” Gwil asks.

“Gwil…”

“No, what if—” Gwil clears his throat gently. “Some people can’t, you know. Even if they try. Even if they want it. There’s just something wrong them, permanent. Maybe that’s me.”

Rami shakes his head. “It’s not.”

“You don’t know that,” Gwil says.

“No,” Rami agrees, “you’re right. I don’t. But…I trust in you. And who you are. I know it seems sometimes like…” He sighs. “I don’t think you’re the same person you used to be. Neither am I. We can’t be. We— it’d be ridiculous if we somehow managed to stay the exact same after all this. But that doesn’t mean we’re worse.”

“Well, you’re not,” Gwil says.

“You’re not either,” Rami says. “Everybody does bad things, Gwil. It’s how you learn from that, and change. That’s what’s important. You’re here. You want to change. That’s…that’s the good thing.” Rami bites down on his lip, shifting in his chair. “I don’t know if this will make Joe want to be your friend again, or if Ben will ever want anything to do with you. But it’s not for them, remember? It’s not for me either. It’s for you. And you’re going to do this, because you want to. Remember how it helped before? She got you out of your room, and talking to me? The first time you talked to Joe was because of her homework.” 

Gwil chuckles bitterly at the memory. “I was a bit of a prick that day, if I recall.”

“She can help,” Rami continues. “She can’t fix anything, it’s all already happened. But she can help. Right? You have to believe it can work, or it won’t.”

Gwil nods. “I know,” he says.

“Okay,” Rami says. “Don’t forget, I’m here too.”

“Why?” Gwil asks.

Rami frowns. “Why what?”

“Why are you here?” Gwil asks. “Why haven’t you given up on me yet?”

Rami sighs. “Gwil, I—”

“No, I want to know,” Gwil says. “I hurt you, and your friends. I behaved terribly. I wouldn’t blame you, nobody would. Joe’d probably be ecstatic to know you finally cut me out of your life.”

“Because I don’t want to,” Rami says. “Okay? I’m here because I _want_ to be. Because I— I can’t imagine my life without you in it. And because I know you can do better. And _be_ better.”

Gwil looks over at him.

“Gwil, I didn’t give up on you then,” Rami says, “because I knew you’d come out of your room. I _knew_ it. And I’m not giving up on you now because I _know_ you’ll get better. I told you, if you treated me like that, I would never talk to you again. Joe was worried you were going to hurt me, but like I told him, if I didn’t feel safe with you, I wouldn’t be with you.” Rami stops to take a breath. “I know I seem quite…naive sometimes, and maybe I am, maybe I do see the good in everybody and maybe I shouldn’t, but I’m an adult. I make my own decisions. I was a soldier. I went to space, and I went to another planet, and I ate your stupid fruit that could’ve killed us all in a heartbeat.”

Gwil laughs softly, nodding in agreement. “That’s why I tried it first,” he says.

“And so as an adult,” Rami says, “and as your friend, I’m choosing to stay with you because I know it’s the right thing to do. And maybe it’s the harder thing to do, but I don’t care.” He sighs. “And because…you were right there with me when we stepped foot onto the Mercury. And you were right there with me when we got off. And that _means_ something. Okay?”

Gwil watches Rami for a moment, reaching up to wipe at his eyes, before nodding jerkily. “Okay,” he says softly. “Okay.”

Rami smiles and reaches out, pulling Gwil into a hug, pulling him down to his chest, kissing the top of his head. “I promise it’ll be okay,” he says softly. “Not today, but eventually, alright? Do you believe me?”

Gwil nods, sniffling. “I believe you,” he says, and he thinks that maybe he actually does.

\+ + + + +

It’s been almost a week since Joe dropped Ben off at his flat in London. He hasn’t been back yet, even though he knows he could literally go down at any time. Movers came on Tuesday for the rest of Ben’s things, the heavier boxes that he couldn’t take on the train. Joe just sat at the kitchen counter and watched them empty his apartment of everything Ben-related. He drank a _lot_ that night. He'd thought about calling Rami, but he didn’t want to risk the possibility of saying something he’d regret. Which he probably would, knowing him. He’s not angry at Rami, but he’s still angry at Gwil. And Rami’s defence of Gwil makes him want to scream at something.

It’s odd, considering they haven’t been apart that long, but Joe still thinks this the longest he and Ben have been apart in…awhile. Before Rami and Gwil, at least, they were all each other had. In the UK, anyway. Joe loves his family, and though he doesn’t see them as much as he wishes he could, they’re still everything to him. But since moving here to work for the IIS, he’d spent more time with Ben than he’d spent with anybody besides his family in his entire life.

He just _misses_ him. Pure and simple. It might not be so bad if he and Rami were spending more time together, but he’d still miss Ben. He’d miss him no matter what. And it really fucking sucks that he gets up every day and he’s alone in his apartment. If he doesn’t see Rami that day, then he sees no one.

He calls Ben every once in awhile, though, and texts him all the time. They’ve spoken a few times already, with Joe listening intently to Ben’s voice, trying to determine if he sounds alright or not. He supposes he does; if he even gets a hint that he doesn’t, Joe’s already told him he’ll be on the next train to London. Ben just sort of chuckled, but Joe’s not lying. He’ll be there in a second if he has to be. What he’s not addressing is what happens if Rami and Ben need him at the same time. What he’s not even thinking about is, what happens if he goes to London with Ben…and stays? He knows Ben would never ask him to, but the thought has crossed his mind more than once. And every time it does, he starts to hate himself a little bit more, because he loves Ben, but he loves Rami. And he doesn’t want to give up on either of them. He wants to spend the rest of his life with Rami, but Ben…he’s everything to him. He wants to grow old with both of them. And right now, Joe knows that Ben needs him more. It makes Joe’s stomach twist. He just needs everything to be fixed, so that he doesn’t have to make that decision. He needs Ben to come back to Perth.

\+ + + + +

Rami looks up when Joe walks into the cafe, and gives him a smile. He stands up and reaches out to Joe, pulling him in to give him a quick kiss, softly saying hello before sitting back down. “How are you?” he asks, watching Joe settle in across from him.

“I’m good,” Joe says, nodding, but Rami frowns a bit. Joe’s words sound positive, but his tone is…off. Rami sighs, reaching out to pick at the edge of his napkin.

“Good?” Rami echoes, and Joe nods again.

“Yeah,” Joe says. “I’m great, really.”

“Hmm,” Rami murmurs. “And, how’s Ben?” he asks.

“Oh,” Joe says, shrugging, “uh, he’s okay too, I think.”

“That’s good,” Rami says. “You’ve spoken to him recently?”

Joe nods. “Yeah, of course. I was on the phone with him before I came in. He’s alright. One week down.”

“How many more weeks to go?” Rami asks.

Joe thinks for a moment. “I uh, I don’t know, really.”

“Is he coming back?” Rami asks.

Joe swallows hard, briefly looking away. “It…doesn’t seem like it, but I mean, you never know. It’s only been one week. It’s going to take him a little longer than that for him to realize how much he misses me, you know.” He smiles. “And you, of course. He asked how you were.”

“What did you tell him?” Rami asks.

“I told him you were great,” Joe says. “Should I not have?”

“No, that’s fine,” Rami says quietly.

“He— he’d like to hear from you too, I’m sure,” Joe says, reaching out to take Rami’s hand. “He’s lonely. As I’m sure you can imagine. You can call him, it’s okay.”

Rami nods. “Are you going down to see him this week?”

“I don’t know,” Joe says. “I haven’t really thought about it yet.”

 _That’s a lie,_ Rami thinks, but he doesn’t say anything. He just sighs.

“How’s Gwil?” Joe asks after a moment, withdrawing his hand. “Is he…”

“Well, you know he’s seeing his doctor again,” Rami says, shifting on his seat. “So.”

“Right,” Joe says, nodding. “That’s…good. And you’re still going with him?”

Rami nods. “He’s seen her twice so far, I just went with him the once.”

“Nice,” Joe says. “That’s uh, good. Healthy. Probably wouldn’t hurt Ben to talk to someone either.”

“Other than you, you mean,” Rami says.

“Yeah, good point,” Joe says. “I’m kind of all he’s got right now, yeah.”

“What about his family?” Rami asks. “Has he told them he’s back in London?”

“Probably not,” Joe murmurs. “Uh, anyway. Let’s— our dates don’t have to be all about Ben. We should— I miss you, you know.”

Rami nods. He misses Joe too. It’s not like they haven’t seen each other since Joe came back from London, alone, but they haven’t done anything more than come to this cafe and meet for a drink or two. When they do talk, Rami can tell that Joe’s thoughts are preoccupied with Ben, and Rami would be lying if he said that Gwil wasn’t on his mind more often than not. There’s no reason that what’s happened between Gwil and Ben has to affect Joe and Rami like this, but he feels like they can’t help it. He knows they both still love each other, but they’re both distracted.

“We’re alright, though, right?” Joe asks, and Rami reaches over, picking up his biscuit. He takes a small bite, chewing slowly.

“I…” Rami trails off, and he watches as a horrified look grows on Joe’s face. “Yes, of course,” he says, nodding. “We’re alright.”

Joe lets out a smile sigh of relief, and Rami tries to give him a reassuring smile. “Good,” Joe says. “I know that this is— isn’t ideal, but it’s okay. Right? I still love you, you know.”

Rami nods. “I do,” he agrees. “I love you too. We’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” Joe says. “So, do you want to come over maybe? After this? Just…” He swallows hard. “I miss you,” he says again, softly this time, and Rami knows what he means. He misses it too. Them together, how amazing Joe can make him feel. He’s just not sure if this is the best time for it. He wants to be with Joe to be with Joe, not to distract himself from everything else. But still, he thinks for a moment, then nods. He’s not going to punish himself, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want him.

“I'd like that,” Rami says. “But I can’t stay, I—”

“That’s okay,” Joe assures him. “I know. I know he…needs you.” He looks away for a moment, uncomfortably, and then gives him a quick smile. “I do too, is all.”

Rami nods. “I know,” he says softly. “Me too.”

\+ + + + +

Gwil looks up when he hears the door open, leaning forward a bit from where he’s sat on the sofa, looking over at Rami. He glances at his watch; he knows that Rami went out to meet Joe for coffee, but that was almost five hours ago. The way Rami’s avoiding his eyes tells him where he was. It’s not like he can blame him; Rami and Joe are still in love, still dating. It’s not like he can expect Rami to give him up, nor would he ever ask him to. “How are you?” he asks, settling back, looking back down at his book.

“I’m alright,” Rami says, toeing off his shoes, dropping his keys onto the counter. “How was your afternoon?” he asks, walking into the living room.

Gwil looks up at Rami and shrugs. “Fine,” he says. “Just reading.”

“Cool,” Rami says flatly. 

Gwil looks up again, but Rami’s disappeared, either into his bedroom or the bathroom. He just shakes his head. He knows that something’s wrong, but he’s not sure what it is. He can never tell if Rami’s back to being upset with him or if he’s upset with Joe about something or what.

Rami walks back out a couple minutes later, changed into something more comfortable, sitting down on the sofa next to him. He brings his feet up, wrapping his arms around his knees. 

“What’s wrong?” Gwil asks, closing his book, turning to Rami. “Did something happen?” 

Rami closes his eyes and shakes his head. “No,” he says softly.

“Then what’s wrong?” Gwil asks again. “You can tell me anything. Did Joe…do something? Or, say…”

Rami opens his eyes and looks over at Gwil. He shakes his head. “No. He didn’t have to.”

Gwil frowns. “What’s that mean?” he asks.

“It means,” Rami starts, then trails off. “I…it’s hard to talk to you about this, Gwil.”

“Because it’s my fault,” Gwil says.

Rami swallows hard. “Because you blame yourself. And I don’t want to make you feel any worse.”

“Please,” Gwil says, “tell me what he said.”

“ _Nothing_ ,” Rami says. “He said he misses me, he loves me, that we’re alright.”

“But you…don’t think so?” Gwil asks.

“He wants to move to London,” Rami says. “With Ben. Until he’s ready to come back here.”

Gwil frowns. “He told you that?” he asks quickly. He honestly can’t imagine Joe saying that to Rami. He knows how much Joe loves Rami.

Rami shakes his head. “No,” he says. “That’s the point, he didn’t have to. I can tell. He misses him. This is the longest they’ve been apart.”

“Well, that’s,” Gwil shakes his head. “He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t go to London without you.”

Rami swallows hard. He looks over at Gwil, and then looks down. “Maybe he wouldn’t have to.”

Gwil’s mouth goes dry, and he feels a wave of nausea hit him immediately. “What does that mean?” he asks after a moment.

“I don’t know,” Rami says softly.

“You _do_ ,” Gwil says. “Because _I_ do. You’re going with him?”

“I don’t know,” Rami says again. “It’s not like he’s _asked_ , I mean, as far as he’s said, he’s not going. He hasn’t brought it up at all. But I know he wants to. He really wants to. I can see it. Every time we talk. It’s just…he keeps saying how he’s the only person that Ben has left.”

Gwil looks away at that; he feels ill thinking about it.

“I just—" Rami shakes his head. “I understand why. As much as I want to stay with you, that’s how much Joe wants to stay with Ben. I’m honestly surprised that Joe came back at all after he dropped Ben off. He’s lonely in the flat. He’s lonely here.”

Gwil doesn’t want to say what he’s thinking, but he also can’t keep it in. “What about me?” he asks. “You…wouldn’t stay in Perth for me?”

“I _am_ staying in Perth for you,” Rami says. “I just— but you could come too.”

“ _What_?” Gwil asks. “Are you joking?”

“No,” Rami says. “I’m not. We could move to London. You and I could get a flat there too, and Joe could live with Ben.”

Gwil chuckles in disbelief. “I— Ben moved to London to get _away_ from me, Rami, do you really think he’ll want me to move there with you?”

“London’s a lot bigger than Perth,” Rami says. “You’d never have to see each other.”

“Rami, I’m not moving to London,” Gwil says.

“Then I don’t know what to do!” Rami exclaims, throwing his hands up. “I— I know Joe’s going to leave, I know it. I can feel it. And I can’t lose him. But I can’t lose you. After everything, I can’t. It’s not _fair_.”

“Don’t talk to me about _fair_ , Rami,” Gwil snaps. “Do you think this is easy on me? Do you think I wanted the man I love to move five hundred miles away so that he didn’t have to be near me?”

Rami’s eyes widen a bit and he looks over at Gwil. “Then _tell_ him that,” Rami says. “He’ll come back for you. You need to talk to him.”

“I can’t!” Gwil says. “What I did— and he— he’ll never forgive me.”

“I have,” Rami says, “maybe he can too.”

Gwil just shakes his head. “I don’t— Rami, just— just _stop_.”

“No,” Rami says. “No! You love him. He moved to London because he thinks you hate him. Gwil, _please_.”

“No,” Gwil says. “He moved to London because he hates _me_. Are you— do you even really want me to apologize to him? You just want him to move back so that Joe will stay and you won’t have to choose.”

Rami looks away quickly. “That’s not true,” he says, shifting uncomfortably. “Ben’s my mate and I miss him too. I want to see him! And spend time with him. I want things to be back the way they were before you went and messed them up!”

Gwil clenches his eyes shut, trying to calm himself down. Trying to focus and think of his doctor, and what she’s told him so far. He doesn’t want this to turn into a fight, something that he can’t control and that they can’t come back from. Not right now, not when Rami’s so close to saying he wants to move to London with Joe. He takes a deep shaky breath. He has been selfish. He certainly was when he hurt Ben. He was when he hurt Rami, too. He slowly opens his eyes. He can’t be selfish anymore. That’s the only thing that can fix this. “Then go,” he says softly.

“What?” Rami asks.

“Go to London,” Gwil says. “If you want to, if you want to be with Joe, then you should go. Don’t let me hold you back.”

“Gwil, that’s not what I meant,” Rami says, reaching out to him. “You’re not _holding me back_. I want to find a way that we can all be happy.”

“We can’t be,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “Ben’s only happy in London. Joe’s only happy with him. And you’re only happy with Joe.”

“But you—”

Gwil shakes his head. He pushes himself up off the sofa, looking down at Rami. “If Joe wants to go to London, then you should go,” he says. “You deserve to be happy. But I’m not leaving Perth.” He walks away, leaving Rami to look up at him in shock. He walks out onto the balcony, pulling the door closed behind him. He sits down on the small wooden bench, warmed by the sun, looking out over the city. He wants Rami to be happy. Out of the four of them, he deserves it more than anyone. Rami was born and raised in London; Gwil always knew it would only be a matter of time before Rami ended up back there. He just didn’t know exactly when it would happen. He sighs, bringing his feet up. He can do this for him, at least.

\+ + + + +

Joe paces nervously in front of Rami’s building, hands in his pockets. He had called Rami, to tell him that they needed to talk. To his surprise, Rami said that he was thinking the same thing. Joe swallows hard. Rami gave no indication of what he wanted to talk about, but Joe can only assume the worst. He’s hoping for the best, though, even after everything.

Joe looks over when the door opens, and Rami steps out. He stops pacing and takes a deep breath, smiling, looking at Rami. “Hi,” he says.

Rami smiles nervously, and then looks away, and Joe feels sick. He knew it. He knew that Rami was going to end it. This was it. They’d made it two-and-a-half months. Not his longest relationship, but his best. Even if this is how it ends, it’s still the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him.

“I need to talk to you,” Joe says suddenly, because maybe he can cut this off, change Rami's mind, and Rami nods.

“Can I—” Rami swallows hard. “Can I go first?” he asks.

Joe’s heart sinks. “Yeah, of course,” he says softly, his voice growing rough as a lump grows in his throat.

Rami smiles again and starts to walk down the sidewalk, Joe trailing alongside him. “Joe, this isn’t easy for me to say,” he says, and Joe nods, biting down on his lip as he tries not to cry out. He looks over at Joe, frowning. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“What’s wrong?” Joe asks. “You’re— you’re breaking up with me,” he says. “Please, Rami, we can fix it. _I_ can fix it, I promise. Ben and Gwil, they don’t— it doesn’t have to end this.”

“Joe, stop,” Rami says, reaching out to him.

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Joe says, grabbing Rami’s hand, reaching up to wipe his tears with the other one. “I’m so sorry, Rami. I’m sorry I lied, I was trying to protect Ben. I’m sorry for what Ben did. I know he hurt you and I’m sorry, but—”

“I don’t want to break up,” Rami says. 

Joe freezes. “What?” he asks after a moment, starting to waver a bit on his feet. He feels a little light-headed and confused.

“Joe, I— I told you,” Rami says. “I don’t want to break up. Don’t you know how much I love you?”

“And I told you that that doesn’t mean anything,” Joe says. “Gwil and Ben love each other. It doesn’t change what—”

“We’re not Gwil and Ben,” Rami says.

“Then what are you talking about?” Joe asks. “Why are you— why are you giving me a break-up speech if we’re not breaking up?”

“I’m sorry,” Rami says. “It’s not like I’ve done this before. I’m…trying.”

Joe nods, reaching up to wipe at his eyes, sniffling. “Okay, let’s— let’s start over then. I’ll— I’ll stop crying.” He chuckles sadly.

Rami squeezes Joe’s hand. “I know you miss Ben,” he says softly, and Joe nods. “He’s your best mate, I know that.”

“He is,” Joe says softly. “That doesn’t mean I don’t—”

“I know,” Rami says gently. “Just like Gwil being my best mate doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“Right,” Joe says.

Rami sighs, and looks around. There’s not really anywhere to sit, so he just holds Joe’s hand tightly and they keep walking. “I know you miss Ben,” he says again. “I miss him too.” Joe nods. “I know you want to go to London.”

Joe’s steps falter a bit, and Rami just looks back at him. “I—”

“It’s alright,” Rami assures him, giving Joe’s hand a squeeze. “I've thought about it too.”

Joe breathes a sigh of relief, smiling at him. “You have?” he asks hopefully.

Rami nods, looking away. “I have,” he says, and Joe’s heart sinks a little bit again. “Joe,” he says. “I can’t go.”

Joe freezes again, looking at Rami. “You can’t?” he asks.

Rami shakes his head. “I know you’re going to tell me you want to go to London, and I know you’re going to ask, but I can’t. I belong here right now, with Gwil. You must understand. As much as you have to be with Ben, I have to be with Gwil.”

Joe nods jerkily. “Right,” he says, “right.” He sighs.

Rami steps forward and pulls Joe into a hug. “If you want to go to London, it’s alright,” he says softly, pressing a quick kiss to Joe’s neck. “I’ll understand.”

Joe slowly wraps his arms around Rami, holding him closer. “I— I don’t know,” he says, and Rami nods. Rami was right. He knew it before Joe had even said it. He wants to go to London, and he wanted to ask Rami to go with him. He misses Ben, feels sick leaving him in London alone. But he can’t imagine himself leaving Rami either. _Fuck_ , he thinks, tightening his arms around Rami. He has no idea what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • it's barely 12 hours early, that's the best I can do right now, ha, but I just really wanted to post before bed.  
> • Ben did it, he really moved back to London. all by himself.  
> • so then, what's Joe can going to do? gosh! he's very torn between his two best guys (and horny for one of them).  
> • and Gwil is still very much in love with Ben, but that doesn't seem to be helping either.  
> • but bless him for going to see his doctor anyway.  
> • nobody really seems to actually want to TALK to each other, and that trend will continue.  
> • (I wrote a lot today, and I'm getting closer to the end, and it's bumming me out a bit)


	32. Chapter 32

Ben never wakes up with his alarm here; the sounds of the street beneath his open window ensure that he wakes up with plenty of time to spare. He murmurs softly, stretching out under his sheets, arching his back and hearing it crack a couple times, before settling back down. He blinks, looking up at the ceiling, watching the shadows from the street play in front of his eyes. One thing hasn’t changed though, from Perth to here: he’s still not a morning person. He’d rather stay in bed for another three or four hours. Then just pop into the office for a bit, and head back home. Sometimes he does just that, but then he just brings his work home with him. He doesn’t mind curling up on the sofa with his laptop, or spreading his papers out on the kitchen table.

He grumbles a bit about it to himself, but he finally pushes himself out of bed, scrubbing his fingers through his hair a few times, messing it up. He showered before bed, but he usually ends up having to fix his hair in the mornings anyway. He sighs, reaching up under his t-shirt to scratch at his stomach as he walks out of his bedroom. He quickly goes to the bathroom and then moves out to the kitchen, starting the coffee machine. He opens the bag of bagels he has on the counter and grabs one, sticking it between his teeth as he walks to the refrigerator, grabbing a container of strawberry cream cheese. He takes a bite of the bagel, chewing as he grabs a knife and slices it, then gives it a thick coat of cream cheese. He takes a big bite, murmuring quietly to himself, then sits down at the table, eyes heavy as he chews slowly, waiting for his coffee.

Ben knows Joe would never believe him; he’s so used to Ben being unhappy and having to worry about whether he’s alright, but Ben doesn’t _hate_ this. It’s not all bad. All in all, he’s in his own place, he’s close to work, things are going…better. They could also _be_ better, but Ben’s certainly felt worse.

This is nothing like how he felt when he’d ended his relationship with Paul, years before. Coming out of that, he should have felt better, happier to be rid of him. But he’d just spent so long listening to Paul’s insults, every little thing he said to him. Even if it wasn’t an insult outright, it was the meaning behind it. To the people around them, it would have sounded like yes, of course Paul was happy that Ben did so well on his exam or a presentation or something. To Ben, he knew that it meant Paul was impressed he didn’t fuck it up, because Paul thought that Ben was a fucking idiot. 

After hearing that for so long, Ben didn’t really know what to think about himself. Even once he was rid of him, Ben felt worthless. Well, not entirely worthless. Paul had always made sure that Ben knew just how _pretty_ he was, just how _beautiful_. And then acted like he had absolutely nothing else to offer. That was worse, much worse, than this. And so yes, he understands why Joe is worried that Ben might hurt himself now, because as he’d told Joe, back then, maybe more than once he thought that it just wasn’t worth it. He _hated_ his life at the time, and sure, there were a few dark moments where he didn’t want to live it anymore. But it’s not like that now. One thing is similar, though: the only thing that helped back then was when he started working for the IIS, and he moved to London. So, Ben knows that London has made things better before, and things can get better again.

Ben does still wonder if he made the best decision, though. Or if he made it for the right reasons. He knows it seems like he’s just running away from Gwil. Which he hates. He knows that it’s just causing more trouble between Joe and Rami and Gwil than he’s worth, because he’s sure Joe blames Gwil. And sure, avoiding Gwil is a benefit. Though being here, he doesn’t feel as guilty about what he’s done, since he hopes that out of sight means out of mind for Gwil; now that Ben’s gone, maybe Gwil can forgive him. And it helps knowing he has basically no chance of running into him. But honestly, and he’d felt it for awhile: he couldn’t do the program forever. He was always going to go back to work full-time, whether it was in London or Perth or anywhere else.

Joe just doesn’t get it, so that’s what Ben tries to convince him of whenever they speak. That he’s fine. This is _okay_. Ben’s not heartbroken or sad or waiting for Gwil to come to London to sweep him off his feet. He’s just back to doing his job. He doesn’t mind it, really. He thinks he’s adjusted to being alone again quite quickly. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss them, all three of them (maybe some more than others, though). And yes, there are moments when he walks into the flat, opening his mouth to call out to Joe, before he remembers that he’s not here. He’s hundreds of miles away, without him.

Ben gets up and grabs his coffee, settling back down in his chair as he slowly drinks it. He doesn’t even really like the taste of it, he just knows it’s more socially-acceptable to drink coffee every morning than a can of Coke Zero, so he does what he has to. He can hear his phone going off in his room, so he gets up and goes to grab it, smiling. He knows it’s Joe; he texts him every morning. Which is ridiculous, because Joe is also not a morning person, and Ben thinks that he must be setting an alarm to wake up _just_ to text Ben hello and wish him a good day at work. He thinks it’s a bit much, but he appreciates it too. And not just because Joe’s currently the only person outside of his co-workers that he speaks to; he knows Rami says he forgives him, but he still doesn’t want to be a bother. He texts back, going back for his coffee as he reads Joe’s reply. He usually gets one or two lines out of him before Joe stops texting, and Ben knows it’s because Joe’s gone back to sleep (though he occasionally tries to lie and say it’s because he just went out for a run and couldn’t reply).

Ben finishes his coffee and his bagel in quiet, then goes to brush his teeth, wash his face, fix his hair. He gets dressed, makes sure he has everything he needs in his bag, and then slings it over his shoulder as he heads out the door. It takes him about as long to walk to work as it would for him to catch the bus, so if the weather is fine, he likes walking.

The best part about his supervisor working in Cologne is that Ben can basically set his own hours, depending on what’s in his calendar for the day. If he wakes up early, he can go in early. He can already imagine the pity on the faces of Joe and Gwil and Rami if he ever said anything about it, but it also helps that he doesn’t really have any mates at work. He doesn’t have to worry about catching up with people when he shows up, or spending his lunch with them. He doesn’t have to wait around for someone to finish a project so that they can head out together. He can just slip in and out as he pleases, and doesn’t have to worry about anything except keeping his head down and working on whatever project is crossing his desk at that moment. 

He’s started taking all sorts of calls lately, some of which he’s fairly certain he’s not qualified to answer, but they all involve the Mercury, and he supposes that he’s sort of the expert on them now. That’s how the other people at the IIS see him now anyway. There’s lots of complaints about tax-payer money and how it’s being spent. Ben can barely listen to any of them. The IIS is an international organization that’s been around for decades; they have plenty of money, and he really doesn’t care if some arsehole thinks that paying the salaries of twenty ( _no, nineteen,_ Ben corrects himself sadly) people who got up and went to work one day a hundred years ago and then had their lives ruined isn’t a good use of their money. They can all bugger off, honestly. 

Hartstone has stopped by his office more than once to ask him about the Mercury crew members, mostly about their willingness to return to work. Ben hopes that Rami doesn’t mind, but he told her that he’d been looking at going back to school for engineering. It seemed to make her happy at least, for whatever reason, Ben can’t figure out, but it got her to leave his office, anyway. He didn’t have anything to say about Gwil because he doesn’t know what to say about Gwil. Going back to work always seemed like the furthest thing from Gwil’s mind. Ben honestly can’t see it. He imagines that after awhile, Gwil will just decide to retire. Maybe he’ll stay in Perth, move back to Wales, or just follow Rami wherever he goes, Ben doesn’t know.

But Ben likes to imagine him in a big house, near the water. And he’ll always wears cozy jumpers, and his glasses, and have a book in hand. And a dog; Ben bets that Gwil will get a dog. He doesn’t know why; Gwil’s never mentioned a dog to him before. It just fits with the image Ben has in his mind. He smiles when he realizes that he’s basically decided Gwil is going to be a lighthouse keeper, but without the lighthouse.

If he’s being completely, totally honest with himself, which he’s not sure if he can be; he gets embarrassed at the thought of it, and knows that Joe's eyes would roll out of his head if he knew. But if he could be one hundred percent truthful, he sort of likes to imagine himself in that house with Gwil. His family had a dog when he was a kid; he wouldn’t mind getting another one. He wouldn’t mind living in a big house on the beach, like the beach in Wales, and waking up next to Gwil every day as the sun comes in over the water. 

Because Ben’s gone back to work. He’s moved back to London. He’s done whatever he can to distract himself from Gwil, but that doesn’t change the fact that he still loves him. More than he’s loved anyone else. He forgave Gwil for hurting him, lying about Roger’s birthday. He really did, even if Joe doesn’t believe him. He didn’t like what Gwil did, and it hurt more than almost anything has ever hurt, but Gwil apologized, and Ben believed him. He accepted it. And if they’d just left it at that, it’d be fine. They’d still be mates. Maybe more by now. Maybe if Ben had given Gwil the letters, Gwil would’ve seen that Roger wanted nothing more than Gwil to be happy, and it was okay for Gwil to love him. Or maybe not. Maybe Gwil would still feel guilty, like he was betraying Roger. But Gwil wouldn’t hate him; he wouldn’t have said those things about him. And there wouldn’t be this… _thing_ between them. The ‘what if’ that weighs heavily on Ben.

Ben had tried so hard to keep all memories of Paul out his life; he almost never talks about him to Joe anymore, and he never told Gwil or Rami about him. But now Ben wonders if he’d just been honest with Gwil about it all at the beginning, that maybe it would have turned out differently. If they’d just _talked_ to each other, instead of shagging the instant they were alone. But no. They fucked up. So wherever Gwil ends up, Ben knows he won’t be there with him. And god it hurts. He just hopes that Roger gets what he wanted, and that Gwil will be happy. He wants nothing more than for Gwil to be happy.

Ben hates the idea that Paul’s words can still have this effect on him, years later. He just hates _him_ in general. He thought he’d done so well at forgetting about him and moving on, but everything that’s happened with Gwil just proves that he hasn’t. Ben just got better at ignoring all the problems Paul caused. And now he can’t.

\+ + + + +

Being back at work doesn’t help distract him from how much he misses Joe, though. Every time he sits at his desk, and hears someone walking by his door, he instinctively looks up, thinking that it must be Joe, popping in to bother him about one thing or another, or ask him to lunch, or give him the latest gossip about people Ben doesn’t know, because Ben doesn’t really _know_ any of them.

Ben admits he didn’t really think this part of his plan through. Moving to London to avoid Gwil and get away from him, yes, that part he considered. But he’s surprised even himself at how much he misses Joe. Even though he’s only a couple hours away; Ben could take the train to see him after work any time he wanted. It still feels like a piece of him is gone, that’s how much Joe is a part of his life. He’s not just a close friend, he’s like a part of Ben now. And besides, Ben doesn’t smile nearly as much without Joe around to make dumb jokes, or entertain him. And Joe never made him feel dumb, always made him feel cared for.

When Joe asks him how he is, Ben says he’s fine. That’s it. He’s fine. He doesn’t want Joe to worry. He knows that he’s put Joe in an awkward spot with Rami by moving to London, because he knows that if it weren’t for Rami, Joe would be in London with him right now. There’d be no hesitation or doubt. Which makes Ben’s heart ache a little. He loves Rami, one hundred percent. He doesn’t think he’s ever met someone as kind and caring as Rami, and after everything that’s happened to him, Ben just needs Rami to be happy. And of course, he wants Joe to be happy too. Happy together, because they deserve it. Ben isn’t jealous, really. He’s not afraid that Rami’s going to take Joe from him. He’s not worried that he’ll lose Joe forever. He just sees them together and wishes that he could have that too. He’d tried at love twice, and got it horribly wrong both times, but Rami and Joe met and it was immediately right. Even if there might be tension between them now, Ben knows they’re perfect for each other.

Ben almost wishes that Joe was there for him to talk about all this with, but also, he knows he needs to learn to handle this on his own. He can’t always rely on Joe to save the day. Eventually Ben is going to have to fix himself.

\+ + + + +

Some nights, Ben ends up staying a little later than he’s supposed to. Most people are quite desperate to get out of there as quickly as possible, so if he knows that someone has a big project or lots of little things that need to get done, he takes on some of the work. It might mean he’s not done until around eight or nine, but it’s not like he’s got anywhere to be, and if somebody else does, then why shouldn’t he help. It’s the least he could do.

He occasionally gets people drop by his office just to _talk_. Not about him, or even them, thank god, but about the Mercury. About what the people who came back were like; everybody knows that Ben knows them the best. Or that’s what they think, anyway. Ben doesn’t think it’s smart to let on that he knows them _too_ well. If Gwil ever came back to work, they don’t need people knowing just how close they really were. He entertains their questions for a little while; _yes_ , they’re normal. _No_ , they haven’t suddenly, rapidly aged to catch up to how old they really are. _No_ , he’s not sure if they’re coming back to work, but _yes_ , they’ve talked about it.

Then people come to ask him about the rumours of a new mission. Ben’s not sure where they’ve heard it from or who’s saying what, but he hasn’t heard anything. He’s pretty sure that if there was going to be another Mercury mission, he’d be pretty high up on the list of people who would hear about it. Or rather, his supervisor would be, and he would _one hundred percent_ hand off as much work to Ben as he could. Ben thinks it’s mostly just wishful thinking, or bored workers trying to come up with something interesting to talk about. He doesn't think it’s interesting, though. He thinks it’s a terrible idea, and he’s hoping it’s just a rumour.

When he does get done work, he usually grabs something to eat from the McDonald’s near his flat and trudges home. He drops his bag on the table, changes into comfy clothes, and then sits down on the sofa with his food, watching whatever’s on, usually a rerun of _Countdown_. He calls Joe, and they chat for a few minutes. Whenever they talk, Ben always hopes that Joe will tell him that he spoke with Rami that day, or that they went out. Sometimes it’s good news, sometimes it isn’t.

Knowing that he’s caused a rift between Rami and Joe hurts more than anything else Ben has done. But Joe swears he’s fine, just like Ben swears he’s fine, and they don’t really have any option except to believe each other.

\+ + + + +

Ben stretches his arms above his head, walking over to his door. He hits the buzzer, assuming it’s someone who forgot their keys, or a delivery guy trying to get in. He walks back over to the sofa, dropping down heavily. He stretches his legs out onto the coffee table, snuggling into the cushions, until he hears a knock on his door. He frowns, and then pushes himself up, walking over. He checks the peephole, and can’t unlock the door fast enough. “Joe?” he says in surprise, grunting when Joe launches himself at him, pulling him into a hug.

“There’s my BFF!” Joe announces happily, squeezing him tightly.

“What are you doing here?” Ben asks. “You didn’t call.”

Joe rolls his eyes, smiling. “Of course not,” he says. “That defeats the purpose of the surprise. Surprise!”

Ben pulls back, smiling at him, then leans in again. “I’m so happy to see you,” he says.

“Yeah?” Joe asks.

Ben nods eagerly. “Of course!” he says. He finally steps back, looking down at Joe’s bags on the floor of the hallway. They look like they hold more than Ben would expect Joe to bring for a short visit, but that’s fine. “I missed you,” he says. 

“Good,” Joe says. “Where can I put these?” he says, gesturing back to the bags, picking them.

“Come on,” Ben says. He steps out of Joe’s way, closing the door behind him, then leads Joe across the flat to his room. “You don’t mind sharing, I suppose?” he asks.

Joe shakes his head and sets the bags down on the floor, before jumping onto Ben’s bed.

Ben winces a bit, but he laughs anyway, leaning against the doorframe.

“This’ll do for now,” Joe says, stretching out on the bed. “I’ll get my old place back again eventually. Or a new one. I don’t know. I shouldn’t have let that one go, I guess. You were smart to keep yours.”

Ben frowns. “What— what do you mean?” he asks.

Joe looks up. “I’m moving back,” he says, as if it’s nothing. “Hey, you should ditch this place and we can get another two-bedroom. I really don’t want to stay in crew quarters.”

“ _Joe_ ,” Ben says, crossing the room, looking down at him. “What do you mean you’re moving back? What— what about Perth? And Rami?”

Joe looks down for a moment, and then shrugs. “We talked about it,” he says. “I’m staying. Until you’re ready to move back. Or until Rami’s ready to move here.”

“Joe,” Ben says in disbelief, dropping down onto the mattress next to him. “You can’t move to London.”

“Oh come on,” Joe says, “you just said you miss me.”

“I _do_ ,” Ben agrees, “but I— you belong with Rami, not me. God, Joe, you can’t— what are you talking about? Are you— have you thought this through? Are you going to work?”

Joe shrugs. “Not like, right now,” he says, “but yeah. I figured I’d swing by. See what’s going on.”

“Joe,” Ben says. “You can’t do this, I won’t let you.”

“What, so you’re allowed to move to London, but I’m not?” Joe asks.

“Yes, exactly,” Ben says. “There’s nothing for me there.”

“What about me?” Joe asks. “I was there. And you still left.”

A pit of guilt twists in Ben’s stomach, and he nods jerkily. “I— I know,” he says, “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. I just meant— Joe, you have Rami. You love him. You should be there with him, not here with me. You’re meant for each other.”

Joe smiles sadly and looks away for a moment. “Well, if we’re meant for each other, then a break won’t kill us,” he says. “Besides, he has Gwil to take care of him. Every day I left you alone down here killed me. I didn’t know if you were alright—”

“I’m fine,” Ben interrupts gently.

“Or if you were just telling me that to make me feel better,” Joe continues. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Rami. And leaving him behind _sucks_. But I’m not as worried about him right now as I am about you.”

“Did you break up?” Ben asks.

Joe shakes his head. “Don’t flatter yourself, Ben. I’ll move to London for you, but I’m not dumping my boyfriend for you. Even _you_ aren’t that pretty.” He reaches up to playfully pat Ben on the cheek, and Ben looks away uncomfortably. “I’m sorry,” Joe says softly. “I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s fine,” Ben says, clearing his throat gently. “Joe, you’re going to regret this. I mean. You don’t want to go back to work. You don’t want to share a bed with me. Stay for a visit, yeah. But I’m not letting you leave Rami for me.”

“How about we let Joe be in charge of what Joe will and won’t regret?” Joe asks, bouncing up and down on the mattress a couple times. “I’m a grown-ass man, I think I can make my own decisions. I’m not _leaving_ Rami.”

“Joe, I— I’m not going to let you ruin something— what you have with Rami, it’s special,” Ben says.

“ _You’re_ special,” Joe says.

Ben groans. “Joe, stop. You haven’t thought this through, you’re being rash. I know you miss me, I miss you too. But you can’t live in London.”

“Mm, we’ll see,” Joe says, shrugging. 

“It’s not your job to take care of me,” Ben says.

“You’re right,” Joe says, “it’s not. Because it’s not a job. Listen, I’m an adult. You decided to move to London, that’s fine. I decided to come with you, why is that so hard to accept?”

“Because the love of your life is in Perth,” Ben says.

“Yeah, taking care of yours,” Joe snaps.

Ben just looks at Joe, swallowing hard, then looks away. “He’s not…” he says softly, trailing off.

Joe rolls his eyes. “Yeah, right,” he says. “Like I believe that.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter, does it?” Ben asks. “I’m not his.” He blows out a long breath, shaking his head. He can tell he’s getting nowhere fast and Joe’s not budging. “Fine,” he says finally. “Just…” He sighs. “We’re not getting a new flat,” he says. “I’m not bothering to get a new place when I know you won’t be staying.” Joe opens his mouth to protest but Ben just keeps talking. “If you want, you can come in with me on Monday, and we can figure something out. Talk to somebody about you starting again. _Temporarily_. Do you want to get back on the rovers?” he asks.

Joe sighs, collapsing back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “I was kind of hoping you’d let me keep being your assistant.”

Ben smiles and settles down beside Joe, looking over at him. “Am I that good of a boss?” he asks.

Joe laughs. “You’re the best boss,” he says. “You let me take me so many days off.”

Ben laughs at that. As much as he wants to keep trying to convince Joe to go back to Perth, he supposes there’s no harm in letting him stay. For a few days, at least. Joe’s only been here for a few minutes and Ben already feels better for it. Lighter. He doesn’t want Joe to leave Rami, but he’d be lying if he said that it didn’t make him feel loved, knowing that Joe would come to London for him. 

“So what do you do all day?” Joe asks, looking around. 

“I, uh,” Ben shrugs. “Nothing, I suppose.”

Joe sighs. “This is sad, Ben. See, you needed me to come back. Come on. Let’s go. Did you eat lunch yet?” he asks. Ben shakes his head. Joe pushes himself up off the bed and then walks back out into the flat, looking around. “Jesus, Ben, you’re not sleeping on the sofa here too, are you?” he asks.

Ben shakes his head, following behind him. “No, I was just— I like to be comfortable when I watch TV.”

Joe looks over at him. “Yeah, right,” he says. “Uh, okay. Well, lunch first. Let’s go for a walk, okay?”

Ben nods eagerly, smiling. “I’m really pleased you’re here,” he says. “I know it wasn’t easy.”

Joe smiles back. “It was probably easier than you think,” he says.

“I’m sorry, Joe,” Ben says softly, smile fading a bit. “I never— I’m sorry, is all.”

Joe nods. “Yeah, I know. But I’m a big boy. And you’re my best friend. And Rami gets it. I think. Or, I don’t know. It’s okay, hey. It’s not your fault. Come on. Get changed.”

“Alright,” Ben says. He ducks back into his room and quickly changes into something that’s just a slightly cleaner, newer version of what he’s currently wearing. He smiles when he comes out, pulling on his jacket. “Where do you want to go?” he asks.

“I want Nando’s,” Joe says, and Ben snorts. 

“Of course you do,” Ben mutters, grabbing his keys.

“What?” Joe asks, following Ben out of the flat. “It’s good. I want those nuts.” 

Ben laughs softly and Joe playfully bumps his shoulder against his. “Is that why you’re really here? It’s alright, you can tell me.”

“I’m here because I love my Benny,” Joe says, slinging his arm around Ben’s shoulders, pulling him in. “And because I know you need me.”

Ben looks at Joe for a moment, nodding jerkily. “I do, yeah,” he says softly. 

They get to the restaurant, order, and settle into one of the booths, looking out the window. Ben starts fiddling with the wrapper on his straw, Joe drumming his fingers on the table, looking around for a bit before his eyes fall back on Ben, studying him.

“So how are you really?” Joe asks.

“I’m fine,” Ben replies, shrugging. He gives him a quick smile, but he can tell Joe doesn’t buy it.

Joe studies him, and Ben has to look away, pretending to be distracted by his drink. He knows that Joe can figure him out too easily. “You sure about that?” Joe asks. Ben nods. “Wanna tell me the truth?”

“I’m fine,” Ben says again. “I _am_. I know you don’t believe me, I don’t know how to convince you, but I am. It’s really not that bad here. I like it. I like London. And the office. The people are alright.”

Joe snorts at that. “And?” he asks, prompting him.

“And…” Ben shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s…Joe, it’s really not as bad you’re imagining, I promise. I’ve just been thinking a lot, lately. Don’t do much else, really.”

“About what?” Joe asks. “Gwil?”

Ben nods. “That, yeah, of course. Do you know how he is?”

Joe sighs. “He’s still seeing his doctor,” he says. “I don’t know. I don’t _ask_ , really. Rami shares sometimes. I think he’s like a hermit now or something. I don’t know. Maybe he’s a vampire. That would make sense. An emotional vampire.”

“You could try visiting him,” Ben says.

Joe snorts. “And say what, exactly?”

Ben shrugs. “Ask him how he is.”

“I don’t really wanna know,” Joe says.

“You’ve given up on him, then,” Ben says.

Joe rolls his eyes. “Ben, I— I genuinely don’t understand how I’ve ended up with friends who are so _nice_. Between you and Rami always seeing the best in people, you drive me up the fucking wall, it’s exhausting.”

“Hey, I hate people,” Ben says. “You know that more than anyone.”

Joe sighs. “Then hate this one. Just this one.”

Ben shakes his head. “I can’t. Sorry.”

Joe groans. “So what else do you do? You sit on the sofa and watch TV. You think about how much you love Gwil. How much you miss me.”

“That’s it, mostly,” Ben says.

“Brilliant,” Joe says sarcastically. “Well, it appears I’ve arrived just in time. I’m here to liven things up a bit. I’m going to take your mind of all that bad shit.”

“I expect nothing less,” Ben says. “You know though, you don’t have to be here. Really. I’m…it’s hard to explain.”

“Try,” Joe says. “I’m all ears, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Joe, you didn’t come here to listen to me,” Ben says.

“That’s exactly why I came here,” Joe says.

“You came for Nando’s,” Ben says, smiling.

Joe snorts. “I came for Nando’s _and_ to listen to you, so come on.” He looks at Ben, drumming his fingers on the table a couple times. “I’m guessing you think it’s dumb, or embarrassing, or whatever else, so let me tell you that it’s _not_ , so I’d like you to share it. Sell me on this.”

“Will you go back to Rami then?” Ben asks.

“I will take it into consideration,” Joe says.

Ben sighs. He shifts uncomfortably, looking down at the table. “I don’t feel useless here,” he says, and Joe groans.

“Ben,” Joe starts, and Ben looks up at him.

“You wanted to hear it, so let me say it,” Ben says, “alright?”

Joe looks at him. “Right,” he says, “sorry.”

“When I started at the IIS, after Paul, I felt useless. I felt dumb. I didn’t think I could do it.” Ben swallows hard. “But they gave me a job, and a place to live, and I— I liked it. And I was good at it. And I knew that…” He groans. “They weren’t going to keep me around just because I’m _pretty_.” He looks over at Joe, who looks away uncomfortably. “So I figured I was doing something right. I like being in London because being in London helped me before. Okay? So yes, I think about Gwil, and yes, I miss you, and yes, I still regret what I did, but it’s better here. I’m better here. Okay?”

Joe looks back at him, sighing. “Really? You’re really okay?”

Ben nods. “I am,” he says. “Mostly. Seeing you right now helps, though."

Joe reaches over to squeeze Ben’s hand. “Good,” he says. “That’s why I’m here.”

Ben smiles. “Aren’t you going back then?” he asks. 

“I said I would take it into consideration,” Joe says. “And what you need to take into consideration is that even if you are better than ever, happy, healthy, wonderful, I still miss you. I still love you. I still hate knowing that you’re here alone.”

“It’s all you, you, you,” Ben grins.

Joe laughs. “Of course it is! Come on, it’s always me. So, I’m here. And maybe you’re right, maybe it’s not forever, I don’t know. But it’s for right now. So you can deal with it, or—”

“Or what?” Ben asks. “Tell me, how do I _finally_ get rid of you?”

“You can deal with it,” Joe says again, ”or you can kill me. Up to you, either way. I’m interested in seeing which option you choose, though.”

“I’m surprised Rami didn’t kill you for leaving him,” Ben says. “How is he alright with this?”

Joe shrugs. “He’s…he gets it. He won’t leave Gwil in Perth. I won’t leave you in London. That’s where we’re at right now. And like I said, it’ll change. Probably not like, this week, but it will. I mean, I fucking love that guy. I’m not letting him go.”

“You’re gonna marry him,” Ben says, and Joe shrugs. Ben laughs softly. “Do you have a date yet?”

“Stop it,” Joe mutters, but he’s blushing, and Ben just laughs again.

“Well, just let me know where to show up and when,” Ben says. “I’ll be there.”

Joe sighs, then glances over at him. “I will,” he says softly, and then blushes even more.

Ben playfully kicks him under the table, smiling at him.

“I hate you,” Joe mutters.

“You moved to Perth for me,” Ben says. “And then back to London for me too. You love me.”

“Don’t remind me!” Joe says. “God, I’m starving.”

“Don’t change the subject,” Ben says. “You love me.”

“I love you and I love food,” Joe says. “Which one I love more, you’ll never know.”

“Well, I know it’s food,” Ben says. “But I’m not offended.”

Joe smiles at him, shaking his head. “You do almost seem…better,” he says, almost reluctantly. 

“I told you,” Ben says. “I’m not— perfect. I…don’t know, really. But I do feel better.”

“Are you staying here for good, then?” Joe asks.

Ben shrugs. “I guess so,” he says.

“Until Gwil wants you to move back to Perth,” Joe says.

Ben shakes his head. “I don’t see that happening.”

Joe shrugs. “You never know. It wouldn’t surprise me.”

“It would surprise me,” Ben says. “He still hasn’t talked to me. Rami said he forgives me, and that he’s sorry, but…if that's true, Gwil's not sharing.”

“Are you mad at him?” Joe asks.

“No,” Ben says. “We both messed up. And even though you say it’s not the same thing, the fact is that we both messed up even before that. We never talked. We slept together before we said how we felt about each other. That’s not really healthy. It’s my fault too, not just his. I was so used to being told to shut up every time I wanted to talk about something important that I was too scared to talk to him about anything.”

“Yeah,” Joe says softly. “I wish I could’ve helped. Instead we just…took you to watch tennis and go to the beach, and didn’t…I should’ve just locked you in a room until you had an actual conversation. But god, you probably would’ve fucked in that room.”

Ben laughs loudly at that. “You never know,” he says. “I don’t know.”

“Do you regret it?” Joe asks.

“Sleeping with him?” Ben asks. Joe nods. “It’s…hard to answer that. I regret sleeping with him on that day. That…hurt. That still hurts. More than what he said about me, I think. But honestly, I…I was really happy while it was happening. It wasn’t perfect, but. I don’t know. No. I don’t know. I don’t think I regret it.”

Joe smiles over at him. “Well, there’s that, at least. It wasn’t _all_ bad.”

Ben shakes his head. “No, it wasn’t all bad.” He swallows hard. It really wasn’t.

\+ + + + +

Ben slowly wakes up, making a soft sound as he reaches his arms above his head, and then he gets an elbow to the ribs. “God, Joe,” he groans, rolling away from him.

“Mm, sorry,” Joe mutters, flinging his arm over his eyes to shield out the light.

Ben pushes himself up, staring down at Joe. Why he’s not in crew quarters, Ben has no idea. He huffs and pushes his blankets off his lap, piling them onto Joe, getting a soft groan of protest as he climbs out of bed. 

“So early,” Joe says, burying his face in the blankets.

“This is what time we get up for work,” Ben says, walking over to his dresser. He yawns loudly, stretching his arms above his head, then shakes them out.

“I don’t wanna,” Joe says. “Gonna stay home today.”

Ben has to smile and rolls his eyes, walking out of the room to go start making his coffee. He moves about his morning routine the same as usual, the only difference being that when he’s sitting at the kitchen table, bagel in his mouth, half-asleep, Joe stumbles out of his bedroom, inhaling deeply.

“Coffee for me?” Joe asks, walking over to the counter.

Ben nods, gesturing towards the coffee machine, and Joe pours himself a mug, sitting down next to Ben. “Sleep okay?” Ben asks, taking another bite of bagel.

Joe takes a big drink, making a face, and then nods. “Not bad,” he says. “You could go for a king-sized bed, you know. It’s a little tight, I like to spread.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “I wasn’t planning on sharing,” he says.

Joe shrugs. “Well, get used to it,” he says. “It’s like every night’s a sleepover.”

Ben snorts softly. “It’s not going to last,” he says. Joe frowns at him. “You’re not staying,” he says.

“I am,” Joe says.

Ben just shakes his head. “You’re _not_ ,” he says. “You’re going to come in with me today, you’re going to hate it, you’ll be back in Perth tomorrow. Wednesday at the latest.” He scratches at his neck. “It’s fine. It’s what I expected.”

“That’s _why_ I’m staying,” Joe says. “At this point, I’m staying just to prove you wrong. So, get used to that, buddy.”

Ben sighs. “Alright, we’ll see. But I’m not going to take it easy on you.”

Joe snorts. “Do your worst. I’m ready. You thought I’ve been slacking for the last four months, but I’ve been saving up _all_ my energy for this.”

“You have been slacking,” Ben says. “Now get your arse in gear before we’re late.”

Joe groans. “Ugh, fine. I’m gonna go brush my teeth,” Joe says, walking by him. “Just gimme a minute.”

“Sure,” Ben says, watching Joe head into the bathroom. He sighs, reaching up to scratch the back of his head. He still can’t believe Joe hasn’t left yet.

\+ + + + +

They’re quiet on the way to work; it’s mostly Joe just looking around, taking the city in. Ben’s honestly not really sure what Joe’s going to end up doing when they get to the office. He’s not entirely sure if it was made clear to anybody else there that he’d be starting back today, but he figures that they can have that conversation once they get there.

They head upstairs to Ben’s office, and Ben drops his bag on the floor by his desk, sitting down behind his computer, logging in. Joe looks around a bit, seemingly taking in Ben’s office, even though nothing’s changed since the last time he was there, and then settles down in the chair in front of him. “What were you expecting?” Ben asks, opening his email.

“Don’t know,” Joe says, drumming his hands on the armrests of the chair. “Maybe a photo of me.”

Ben snorts. “Right, yeah,” he says. “You get me one, I’ll be sure to hang it up.”

“Maybe that photo of the Mercury crew,” Joe says. 

“Well, there’s plenty of them around for me to steal,” Ben replies. “What do you plan on doing all day?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “Whatever you say, boss.”

Ben looks over at him. “Then go home, Joe,” he says. “You belong with Rami, not me.”

“No, I’m good,” Joe says, nodding along to the beat he’s still drumming on the chair. “Anything else you need me to do?”

Ben sighs. “Start answering my emails, that’d be brilliant.”

Joe groans dramatically. “Maybe I’ll head back to the rovers instead,” he says, giving Ben a wink.

“Maybe I take you to HR and they find a place for you,” Ben says.

Joe shrugs. “That’s fine. Whatever you think is best, boss.”

Ben brings his thumb up to his mouth, about to start biting down on the skin around his nail, when Joe gently clears his throat. Ben drops his hand back down to the table. “Uh, yeah, come on,” he says, pushing his chair back from the desk. “We’ll find you a computer. You can go start with my emails and then we’ll see if Communications needs you again.”

“Aye-aye, captain,” Joe says, pushing himself up, following Ben out of the office. He gives Ben a cheeky grin when Ben glances back at him. “Is that enough?” he asks.

Ben sighs, and reaches back to playfully push at him. “You know, last week I actually missed having you in my office,” he says. “Can you believe it?

“Oh, huge mistake,” Joe says, “I’m never going to leave.”

\+ + + + +

After getting his lunch, Joe sits down at the table across from Ben, eyes on a small group of people a couple tables over, who are chatting animatedly. He watches them until Ben turns, looking over at them as well, wondering what’s wrong.

“What’s going on?” Ben asks, taking a drink.

“Nothing,” Joe says. “They were just talking about something, I thought I heard…” He trails off, and Ben turns back to him. “Some rumour, I think.”

“Oh?” Ben asks. “What about?”

Joe just shakes his head. “Not sure.” He’s still watching them though, trying to listen to them as well.

“Hmm,” Ben says, picking up his sandwich, taking a bite. “The Mercury again, then?”

Joe’s eyes widen a bit and he looks at Ben. “You’ve heard it then?” he asks. “People talk about it?”

Ben shrugs. “Sort of, yeah. A few people’ve mentioned it. It’s just a rumour, though. My supervisor hasn’t said anything about it, so.”

“You think he would?” Joe asks. Ben shrugs again, taking another bite. “I don’t know. I just…I kind of hate this. Where’d they get it from, if it’s not true?”

“I don’t know,” Ben says. “But the Mercury’s still up in Perth, maybe someone just, I don’t know, maybe they’re doing something with it. Moving it? It can't just sit there forever. I don’t know. It’s just a rumour, Joe.”

“Yeah well, rumours start somewhere,” Joe mutters, taking a drink. 

“Maybe they’re going to ask the Mercury crew to come back to work,” Ben says. “Hartstone’s been in my office asking them. If they’re interested in coming back.”

“Really?” Joe asks. Ben nods. “Damn. That’s like, that’s serious.”

“They don’t have to if they’re not ready,” Ben says. “Really. She might want them back but she can’t make them come back. I wouldn’t let her do that.”

Joe smiles. “You really think you have that kind of sway around here?” he asks.

Ben swallows hard, shrugging. “I wouldn’t let her do that to them,” he says firmly.

Joe watches him for a moment. “Alright,” he says, nodding. “Sounds good.”

\+ + + + +

Ben makes sure he’s done work on time now that Joe’s there with him. He doesn’t want to make him wait around for him, and besides, he actually has something to look forward to now, something that makes him want to leave work and go home. Joe has his phone out as they walk back to Ben’s flat, trying to decide on a recipe to make for supper.

“We can just get takeaway,” Ben says, looking over at Joe.

Joe scoffs. “Are you kidding me? You look like you need a homemade meal,” he says, looking back at his phone.

Ben frowns a bit at that, not sure what Joe means. How does he look, he wonders. He knows that he could be eating better, he knows that he’s already dropped some of the weight he put on when he was in Perth, but sometimes he just gets too distracted to eat. But he didn’t think it was _that_ obvious. He decides to let Joe cook whatever he wants to cook while he’s here. It certainly can’t hurt.

\+ + + + +

They fall into an easy routine after a few days together, which Ben sort of likes, but that also pisses him off. Joe calls Rami every night after supper; sometimes, Ben even speaks to him. But he never speaks to Gwil, and Rami never really brings him up (leading Ben to assume that Gwil is nearby while Rami speaks to them and doesn't want him to overhear). Ben loves having Joe around, but he can’t stand that Joe’s not in Perth. He’s not with Rami. Every day, Ben gets up thinking that this will be it, Joe will have had it with sharing Ben’s bed, will be tired of working, and will just take the train back. He brings it up, telling Joe to go home.

“You really know how to make a guy feel wanted,” Joe says once, looking over at Ben. 

Ben can’t tell if Joe’s actually hurt by it, or he’s just making a joke. He doesn’t want Joe to feel like Ben doesn’t want him around, but really…Ben kind of doesn’t want Joe around. Sometimes he feels like Joe is babying him, in a way that maybe Joe isn’t even aware of. Ben knows why Joe is doing it though. A: Joe’s his best mate and would worry about him no matter what because that’s just who Joe is, but B: Ben’s used to not people not worrying about him. After things ended with Paul, Ben didn’t feel like he could turn to his family; they barely knew him by that point, but sure, he assumes they’d probably tell him he was smart or hardworking. His parents were never mean to him, and those are the nice things parents say about their kids. Either way, he wouldn’t be able to trust their opinion.

And it’s not like he had anyone else to ask. There was nobody left to worry about Ben. By the time their relationship ended, all of Ben’s friends were Paul’s friends, which meant he had no friends left, because of course Paul had lied to them all and told them Ben had cheated on him (when in actuality, Paul was the only guy Ben had ever slept with) and they called him a slag whenever they saw him.

So now Joe's just extra-worrying about Ben to make up for all the time Ben didn't have anyone. But, god, Joe just really needs to get back to Rami. Ben’s worried the distance will drive them apart, and Ben wouldn’t be able to take it.

If Joe’s not willing to leave Ben, part of Ben wants Rami to move to London. He thinks that Rami and Joe could get a nice little flat to share, and Rami could go to uni here while Joe works. As for Gwil, though…Ben doesn’t know for sure. But sometimes he wishes it wasn’t Joe he’s been sharing his bed with.

\+ + + + +

Joe and Ben settle down next to each other in the boardroom, looking up at the screen with various directors and supervisors from all the IIS locations globally looking back at them.

“This is always a great time,” Joe mutters, crossing his arms, shifting in his seat. “Think they found another spaceship floating around out there that they want to shoot down?”

“Joe, stop,” Ben says, looking over at him. “That’s not funny.”

“Sorry,” Joe says. He sighs. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” Ben murmurs, looking around at the other people in the room, trying to guess at who there might already know what’s going on. “I hope not.” After a few more moments, Hartstone walks into the room, followed by her assistant, and the chattering in the room stops as she takes her seat. Ben and Joe glance warily at each other, and Ben leans forward a bit, watching her carefully. He’s hoping that he’s wrong.

“Thank you all for joining us today,” Hartstone says, shuffling a few pieces of paper in front of her. “I’m sure I’ve taken you all away from some important work, that I look forward to hearing more about.”

Joe rolls his eyes, crossing his arms in front of him. Ben glances over at him, and then shifts in his chair.

“Today I’d like to tell you all about the creation of a new department at the IIS,” Hartstone continues, and Ben looks at Joe again, both of them looking a little shocked. “Starting off, we’re going to be staffed internally, so for awhile at least, I’m going to need you all to put forth the effort into making sure that this gets off the ground. Once we have a strong support staff in place, we’re going to open it up to new hires. And perhaps some _old_.” She gives the room a bit of a smile, though it seems as though she’s actually winking at them.

Joe shifts abruptly in his seat, and Ben can feel his stomach starting to sink.

“I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce you all to this,” Hartstone says. She turns to the projection screen on the opposite wall, and everyone in the room turns to look as Hartstone’s assistant hits a key on the laptop in front of them, and a large familiar logo appears on the screen.

Joe and Ben both sit back, looking up at it. The room immediately bursts out into chatter, and the people on the screen start loudly speaking over each other, trying to get Hartstone’s attention. She gives them a moment of discussion before she loudly clears her throat, and the room settles down a bit again.

“Please,” Hartstone says, and her assistant hits another key, the image transitioning from the logo to that same goddamn photo of the Mercury crew. Ben and Joe both immediately look away from it, from Gwil and Rami smiling down at them, no clue just how badly their lives were about to go.

Hartstone looks around at all of them, a proud look on her face. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she says, and her assistant hits the key again, the crew photo disappearing to be replaced with a photo of the Mercury. Or at least, what looks like the Mercury, but…newer. Upgraded. “The Mercury II.”

“She’s joking,” Joe says softly, not taking his eyes off the screen as he leans forward.

“I don’t think so,” Ben says, shaking his head slowly. “I…”

“The Mercury II?” someone asks, and Ben glances over to look at him.

“We didn’t learn enough from the mistakes of the last one?” somebody else asks, and Joe snorts.

“We can’t send more people back out there.”

“ _Please_ ,” Hartstone says. “Need I remind you, each and every member of the Mercury crew came back safe and sound.”

Ben looks down at his lap; he feels ashamed, or angry, on their behalf, at the way she’s completely dismissing what happened to them. Gwil and Rami came back alive, maybe safe, but definitely not sound. And for god’s sake, why won’t someone mention the fact that a crew member _killed_ themselves. They can’t do this again. They can’t risk this happening to anyone else.

“Believe me,” Hartstone continues, “every precaution will be taken. Only the most suitable volunteers will be accepted for this mission. The tests will be numerous: physical and psychological.”

Ben swallows hard, guilt twisting in the pit of his stomach. He thinks back on how in Perth he’d thought about starting to develop a policy on how to choose the best volunteers if the IIS was ever going to send out another mission. He never got around to it, but still, now it feels like he’s accidentally willed this into existence. Which is ridiculous, this isn’t his fault. It’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just…Ben doesn't know what it is.

“What about the time?” someone asks, and Ben looks up, thankful that somebody else asked it. “Can it be fixed?”

Hartstone glances over at the person sitting next to her, and then she looks back, shaking her head. “We are preparing a full report on what this mission will look like,” she says. “But to answer your question, no. Time dilation is an unfortunate effect but it cannot be avoided. We can be better prepared this time, though. Prepare new policies to welcome them back.”

Ben groans softly. He clenches his hand into a fist, nervously drumming his knuckles on the table until Joe reaches over to settle him. Ben looks over at Joe, and he can tell that he doesn’t understand. Ben knows what’s about to happen. Hartstone is going to pull him aside, or hell, announce it here in front of everybody. They’re going to need him to help with this. He’s going to be the one writing policy for the best way to ship people off, ensuring that they’ll never see their loved ones again. They’re going to force him to be involved, and he wants nothing to do with this. This is his job, he knows. But he’s not sure that he can do it. Even if they are volunteers, people who know exactly what will happen to them after they leave, he knows there’s no way they can actually prepare for what it will be like when they come back. He saw the look on the crew’s faces when they found out the truth. He’s spent enough time with Rami and Gwil to know: this is a mistake. Only the most screwed up, lonely people are going to agree to this. 

“Who the hell’s going to volunteer for that?” someone on the screen asks.

Ben starts to feel sick as he tries not to think about exactly who those people are going to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • who _is_ going to volunteer for this, I wonder.  
> • you wanted to know if Joe was going to stay or go, here you go! did he make the right decision?  
> • Ben is doing a little better, though.  
> • biggest takeaway: Paul was a complete and utter trash person.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (note: the rating applies to this chapter)

Gwil sits at the kitchen table, practically hunched over his laptop, his hands up by his mouth, earphones in.

Rami frowns a bit as he walks by, stopping to look at him. “Are you alright?” he asks.

“Hmm?” Gwil asks, looking up. He takes out an earphone. “Yes, sorry. I was just watching a television show.”

“Oh,” Rami says. “Sorry. You just looked…worried.”

“It’s quite a tense television show,” Gwil says, giving Rami a nervous smile.

“Right,” Rami says softly. He walks over to one of the cupboards, starting to root through it, looking for something to eat.

“How are you?” Gwil asks, pausing the television program, taking out his other earphone.

“Fine,” Rami says, glancing back at him. “Did you want something to eat?”

“No, I’m alright, thanks,” Gwil says. “Is it nice out?”

“Yes, it’s alright,” Rami says, grabbing a bag of pistachios, walking over to the kitchen table, looking down at Gwil. “Windy.”

“Of course,” Gwil says. “Summer’s over now.”

“Yes,” Rami says. He opens the bag and reaches in, taking a small handful. He stands there, slowly eating them, watching Gwil.

“Is everything alright?” Gwil asks.

Rami nods, shrugging. “Sorry, I was just thinking,” he says. “Is your appointment today?”

Gwil shakes his head. “Tomorrow morning.”

“Right,” Rami says softly. 

“Right,” Gwil echoes. “Well, then, if you’re…” He shrugs. “I don’t know, really. Are you alright?”

Rami nods again. “Just thinking about Joe.”

Gwil’s face falls a bit, but he tries to mask his reaction, nodding understandingly. “Of course,” he says, shifting in his chair. “I’m sure you miss him.”

“I do,” Rami says. “But I’m sure you understand.”

Gwil nods. “I do,” he replies. “I miss Ben as well.”

Rami frowns a bit at that. “Oh, I m— I meant Roger,” he says.

“Oh,” Gwil says softly. He shakes his head. “Yes, of course.” He gently clears his throat. 

“You still need to speak to him,” Rami says.

Gwil shakes his head again. “I don’t want to bother him. I’m sure— well, seeing my name on his phone wouldn’t make him very happy, I imagine.”

“You still have to try,” Rami says. “You haven’t tried at all. Even if he doesn’t want to hear it, you should try. He needs to know that you care.”

“I wouldn’t even know what to say,” Gwil says softly.

“Maybe talk to your doctor about it tomorrow,” Rami says. “At least see what she says.” When Gwil doesn’t answer, Rami says, “for me, anyway.”

“Yes,” Gwil agrees finally, nodding. 

“Good,” Rami says. He makes no move to walk away, and Gwil looks up at him again.

“Have you talked to Joe?” Gwil asks.

Rami shakes his head. “Not today, no. I’ll call him when he’s done work, probably.”

“When is it again that you’re going up to see him?” Gwil asks.

“Wednesday,” Rami says.

“Did you get him anything yet?” Gwil asks.

“Yes, it came in the post last week,” Rami says. But he doesn’t sound all that excited at the prospect. His voice is flat, uninterested. “Gwil, I was wondering, if I could have a favour.”

“Of course,” Gwil says, nodding.

“Would it be alright if I took the letters with me?” Rami asks. Gwil draws a sharp breath. “Or rather, some of them?” he asks. “You can decide which. And I’ll be so careful with them, I promise.”

“You’re going to let Joe read them?” Gwil asks hesitantly.

Rami nods. “Only if it’s alright with you.”

Gwil looks at Rami for a moment, and then nods. “They’re yours as much as mine,” he says. “Of course. I’m sure you know which ones might not be so…appropriate. I just, he can read any of them, just some of them are more private, you know.”

Rami nods. “I know,” he says. “Thank you.” He sighs, then starts pacing around a little bit.

Gwil sighs. “You can’t stay here just for me, Rami,” he says, changing the subject. “You’re not happy here.”

“I’m fine,” Rami assures him.

“I don’t believe it,” Gwil says. “Not even a little.”

“Well, you don’t have to believe it,” Rami says. “It’s true. I like Perth.”

“And London’s your home,” Gwil says. “It always has been. And now, especially with Joe there.”

“And what am I supposed to do?” Rami asks. “Leave you here alone?” He shakes his head. “No. Of course not, don’t be foolish.”

“Rami, _please_ ,” Gwil says. “I love you. And I need you. But I don’t want to be the reason you’re unhappy any longer. It hurts me to know that you’re here just for me. And it’s not helping, honestly.”

“That’s not fair,” Rami says. 

“Well, I’m sorry,” Gwil says. “But you’re my best mate. And after all the hurt I’ve caused, I really wish you would just listen to me on this one thing.”

“I’m not going,” Rami says. “That’s it. Unless you come to London with me.”

“And how are you and Joe supposed to stay together if you live five hundred miles away from each other?” Gwil asks. “Because he’s not leaving Ben.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Rami says.

Gwil pushes his chair back from the table, walking over to Rami. He looks down at him, and rests his hand on Rami’s shoulder. Rami looks up at him in surprise, waiting for him to speak. “Rami,” he starts, and Rami swallows hard. “Sorry to say, but I know what it’s like to lose the person you love most. I know it was my fault, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Rami, please don’t lose Joe. Not for something as stupid as this.” He squeezes Rami’s shoulder and then walks past him.

Rami watches Gwil walk away from him, thinking he has no idea if Gwil is referring to Roger or Ben.

\+ + + + +

After awhile, Gwil comes back out of his room, wearing trainers, shorts and a t-shirt, earpods in his ears. “Just going for a run,” he says to Rami, walking over to the front door.

“Alright,” Rami says, looking over at him. “Be safe.”

Gwil grins. “I think I’ll be alright,” he says. He leaves the flat, and Rami shifts on the sofa. He sighs heavily. He can’t stop thinking about Joe. About Gwil. About all of it, the entire mess. Every time he thinks he’s come to a decision, one way or the other, he changes his mind. If he moved to London, he’d be with Joe, and closer to Ben. But he’s not entirely sure that Gwil would survive it. If he stays in Perth, Gwil will probably be fine, but Rami’s relationship with Joe might not be. He’s known Gwil longer, of course. They’ve been through more together than anyone Rami knows. And he does love him, still. Things are definitely awkward between them now, like neither of them know how to act around the other, but Rami has faith that they can fix it. At some point. But not if he leaves Gwil behind.

But Joe is… _everything_. Rami knows that he can’t count on Joe to always be there for him; not because of anything that Joe’s said or done, but just because the odds that Rami’s first relationship is going to be the one that lasts forever are low, no matter how much he wants it to. Whenever he imagines his future, whether it’s going back to uni or traveling or working, he imagines himself with Joe there too. And he’s certainly never going to marry Gwil. But maybe he could marry Joe. 

But then again, if Joe is the one he’s supposed to marry, and spend the rest of his life with, then surely they can handle being apart for just a little while longer. It’s not to say that he’ll _never_ leave Gwil; once Rami trusts that he’ll be alright on his own, he’d feel more comfortable going to London with Joe. And of course, it all depends on where Rami ends up going to uni. Maybe he’ll end up living away from both of them for awhile, on his own somewhere.

Rami’s startled from his thoughts when his watch starts ringing. He stands up, going to find his phone. He doesn’t recognize the number at all, but only a few people have it, so he assumes it must be someone he knows. Maybe Joe calling from an office phone. “Hello?” he asks.

“Hello,” a female voice says, and Rami frowns. “Is this Mister Rami Malek?” she asks.

“Yes, it is,” Rami says.

“Mister Malek,” the woman continues, “this is Administrator Hartstone, with the IIS.”

“Oh,” Rami says. He pulls out a chair at the kitchen table, sitting down. “Yes, I remember you, hello.” He cringes, starting to worry, a pit growing in his stomach. If she’s calling to say that the program’s over, well, he knows that already. If she’s calling to say he needs to come back to work now or officially retire, he has no idea what he’s going to say. He feels his hands start to shake as he starts to run through all the things she could possibly be calling for. “How can I help you?”

As Hartstone starts to speak to him, Rami can feel his heart sink. He understands the words that she’s saying to him, he hears them all, but he’s not really listening, because he can’t stop his mind from racing. She explains what the IIS is doing, talks to him about the Mercury II and its mission. He nods to himself, squeezing the phone tightly in his hand. His jaw is clenched the entire time, biting down on all the things he wants to say to her, and then, she stops talking, and Rami realizes that she’s asked him a question. It’s his turn to speak.

“Uh, sorry?” Rami stammers, flushing; he feels like an idiot.

“Mister Malek,” Hartstone says, “I’m asking you to join the crew of the Mercury II. I can think of no one better suited to be an engineer on this ship. Will you come aboard?”

Rami squeezes his eyes shut, drumming his fingers on the table. He hasn’t forgotten that feeling of excitement when he was first asked to join the IIS, and then again when the Mercury’s mission was explained to them. The possibilities he imagined. It was going to change his life, he just knew it. He was proud that he was a Mercury crew member, it was an honour to be asked to serve his country. He was so happy. He understands why somebody would say yes to something like this.

Rami takes a deep shaky breath, and clenches his fist. He swallows hard, and then slowly opens his eyes. He understands why _somebody_ would say yes to this. And the Mercury did change his life, in more ways than even he had imagined.

But he’s never going to do it again.

\+ + + + +

Gwil pushes open the door to the flat, reaching up to push his sweaty hair off his forehead as he pants quietly. He reaches down to untie his trainers, then pushes them to the side. He looks around the kitchen and living room, frowning a bit when he doesn’t see Rami right away. Obviously, he knows that Rami could have gone out, but he’s a bit surprised anyway. He walks into the flat, startling a bit when he sees Rami out on the balcony. He contemplates leaving him out there, but decides to at least let him know he’s home. He gently taps on the glass, waving at him when Rami turns around. “Alright?” he asks when he sees the look on Rami’s face. He opens the door, and steps out onto the balcony with him. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I—” Rami shakes his head. “Did you get a phone call when you were out?” he asks.

Gwil frowns. “Uh, no,” he says. “Should I have?”

Rami sighs, turning back to look out over the city.

“What’s wrong?” Gwil asks again. Then just like that, his watch starts ringing, and Rami cringes a bit.

“That’ll be her, then,” Rami says.

“Who?” Gwil asks.

“Answer it,” Rami says.

Gwil shakes his head, hitting decline on his wrist. “Rami, what’s going on?” he asks.

Rami sniffles and wipes at his eyes. “They’re going back,” he says softly.

“Who?” Gwil asks. He moves to stand next to Rami, leaning against the railing. “Going back where?”

Rami looks up at the sky, and Gwil follows his eyes. “There,” he says softly, nodding.

Gwil frowns for a moment, looking up at the blue sky, and then something clicks. “You mean…there?” he asks.

Rami nods. “The Mercury II,” he says, looking down at his feet. “Quite original, isn’t it?”

“Are you joking?” Gwil asks.

Rami shakes his head. “Not at all. She wants to know if I’m interested in joining the crew.”

Gwil doesn’t say anything, just looks down as well, hands gripping at the railing.

“I can’t believe they’re doing it again,” Rami says softly. “The things those people are going to miss out on, they have no idea. They can’t really understand.” 

Gwil bites down on his lip, and still doesn’t answer, his mind racing. He can’t focus on one thing, there are so many thoughts running through his head. He swallows hard, then looks over at Rami, thinking what this could mean for him. “I should call them back,” he says after a few moments, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “To be polite.”

Rami nods. “I’m sure they’re eagerly awaiting your reply,” he says.

Gwil nods and turns, walking back into the flat. He heads into his room, grabbing his phone and sees that yes, whoever called him left a message. He listens to it, hearing that it’s from Administrator Hartstone, giving Gwil her direct line to get back in touch with her, as soon as possible. Gwil grips his phone, and has to sit down on his bed to keep himself from pacing around. He’s sweaty, he stinks, he knows he needs to shower immediately, but all he can think about is calling Hartstone. He looks at his bedroom door, realizing that he left it open behind him. He slowly stands up and walks over, glancing out to see if Rami’s nearby, then he pushes it closed. 

Then he calls her back.

\+ + + + +

Gwil shifts in his seat, looking over at his doctor, who’s watching him with a polite smile on her face.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about,” she says gently, and Gwil sighs.

He swallows hard, opening his mouth to speak, but then he cocks his head to the side, second-thinking himself. He sighs and tries to start again. “Is it still running away from something, even if it’s the right thing to do?” he asks.

“What do you mean by that?” she asks.

Gwil shrugs. He looks down at his hands, folded on his lap, starting to pick at one of his nails. “Well, like, some people, maybe that’s their problem. They run away when things get too difficult. They can’t face up to it. So most of the time, when they run away, it’s not a good thing. But sometimes, you _should_ leave. That’s the right thing. So, is it still running away then?”

“When _should_ you leave?” she asks.

Gwil tries not to groan. He likes her, he likes their sessions, but he really does get frustrated with the way she speaks to him. Which, he supposes, is the point. She’s supposed to make _him_ talk. “If you were being abused,” he says. “No one would blame you for leaving. That’s the right thing to do.”

“That’s true,” she says, nodding. “But then, you can’t run away from the consequences of that abuse. It can affect someone for quite a long time, and it should still be dealt with, even if the relationship is over.”

“That’s not really what I meant,” Gwil says softly. “But…yes.” He frowns, thinking of Ben. Wonders if what happened to him was abuse. He doesn’t know for sure, but sometimes he thinks it might have been. He wants to kill the man who hurt him.

“So what did you mean?” she asks.

Gwil quickly glances over at her, and then shrugs again. “Just that sometimes, maybe, it’s _okay_ to leave. It doesn’t have to be bad.”

“Is that what you think?”

Gwil nods. 

“I would say it depends on _why_ you’re running away,” she says. “What are you running away from?”

Gwil scoffs. “A lot, I suppose.”

“What are you running from _this_ time, then?” she asks.

Gwil looks away for a moment. He reaches up, pushing a piece of hair back from his forehead. “I’m not sure,” he says softly. “Well, no, I am, I just…” He sighs. “I know if I do this, Rami will think that I’m trying to hide, but I’m not. I’m doing it because I know it’s for the best.”

“Is it?” she asks. “The best for who? You?”

Gwil shrugs. “That doesn’t really matter, does it?” he asks.

“As your doctor, I would say yes.”

Gwil just shakes his head once. “It doesn’t.”

She shifts in her chair, looking over at him. “Then why don’t you tell me what ‘ _this_ ’ is?” she asks. “Where are you going, Gwilym?”

Gwil looks up at her, and then almost immediately has to look away under the weight of her eyes. “Far away,” he says softly.

\+ + + + +

Gwil reaches out to brush something off Rami’s shoulder, smiling down at him. “Have a lovely time, yeah?” he says.

Rami nods. “I will. But don’t worry, I’ll be back in a couple days,” he says.

“No, I’m not worried,” Gwil says. “Not at all. I just know how happy he’ll be to see you. Both of them.”

Rami briefly looks away, and then nods again. “I hope so,” he says.

Gwil smiles again and then leans down, pulling Rami into a tight hug, patting him a couple times on the back. “Tell him hello from me,” he says, pulling back. “If you’d like.”

Rami grins. “I’ll see how open he is to the possibility.”

Gwil chuckles softly and then looks away, eyes moving around the train station. “You should be going soon then,” he says quietly. “Don’t want to be late on my account.”

“Are you sure you’re alright here?” Rami asks.

Gwil nods. “Yes, I’m— I can hardly get into any trouble here,” he says. “Well. Uh. On my own, anyway.” They both look away, feeling a bit awkward, and then Rami pulls him into another hug.

“I’ll call,” Rami says. “I promise.”

Gwil smiles. “I look forward to it. But don’t spend all your time thinking about me. You’ve got a boyfriend to visit.”

“I know,” Rami says softly. “I miss him.”

Gwil nods. “I know.”

Rami sighs, and then glances in the direction of his platform. “I suppose I should go, then,” he says.

“Alright,” Gwil says, swallowing hard. “I’ll be here.”

“Good,” Rami says. “Be safe.”

“Of course.”

Rami quickly leans up to give Gwil a quick kiss on the cheek and then steps back, waving at him. “Bye, Gwil,” he says.

Gwil waves back. “Bye, Rami. Have fun.”

Rami smiles and then takes a couple more steps before turning away, walking towards his train. He glances back a couple times as he goes, to check if Gwil’s still there. 

Gwil stays, watching, until Rami’s out of sight, then he looks away, letting out a shaky breath. His stomach feels heavy with the pit of guilt in it, but he doesn’t think that Rami’s guessed it. He hopes not, anyway. He just wants him to have a good time in London, before Gwil upsets him.

\+ + + + +

Joe bounds down the stairs, skipping a couple as he goes, trying to hurry back to Ben’s office. He’s got his eyes on the file in his hands, not paying any attention to the people around him when he hears it. Hears _him_.

“Joe?”

Joe stumbles a bit, reaching out to the railing to steady himself, and he looks up, eyes wide. “Rami?” he asks in shock. “I— uh, babe, what are you doing here?” he asks in disbelief. He actually drops the file on the floor and then rushes over to pull Rami into his arms, squeezing him tightly. “Rami, I—”

Rami laughs, holding Joe close. “Did you forget?” he asks.

Joe pulls back, a confused look on his face. “I…guess so, yeah. Forget what? You definitely didn’t tell me you were coming, I would never—”

“It’s your birthday,” Rami says quietly. “I wasn’t going to let you be alone on your birthday.”

Joe blinks a couple times, and then smiles slowly, pulling Rami in for a kiss. “You’re joking,” he says softly, resting his forehead against Rami’s. “You came for my birthday?” he asks.

Rami nods, giving Joe another quick kiss. “Of course I did,” he says. “Is that okay?”

Joe looks at him like he’s insane. “Uh, _yeah_ , of course. Let me just—” He turns around, bending down to pick up the file he dropped. “Uh, I have to get this to Ben,” he says, “gimme a sec?”

“Can I come with you?” Rami asks, reaching out to take Joe’s hand. “I wouldn’t mind seeing him.”

Joe squeezes Rami’s hand and smiles. “Yeah, of course,” he says. “I…can’t believe you’re here.”

Rami shrugs. “Of course I am,” he says. “I missed you.”

“Come on,” Joe says, leading Rami down the stairs to the next floor, to Ben’s office. He knocks softly and pushes open the door, sticking his head in. “Ben?” he asks.

“Hmm,” Ben murmurs, not looking up from his computer as his fingers quickly fly over the keyboard.

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” Joe says, and then he pushes the door open the rest of the way.

“Hi Ben,” Rami says, giving him a wave as he steps into the office.

Ben looks up and his eyes widen. He quickly stands up, pushing his chair back from the desk. “Rami,” he says. He hurries over and then hesitates for a moment before Rami pulls him into a hug. “Rami, you—”

“Hi,” Rami says again, squeezing Ben tightly. “I’ve missed you.”

“God, I’ve missed you too,” Ben says. He looks over at Joe, who’s watching them both with a smile on his face. “You’re…here.”

Rami pulls back, smiling at him. “I am,” he says. “How are you?”

“Better now,” Ben says, laughing softly. “I…wow. I wasn’t expecting you. You’re—”

“He’s here for my birthday,” Joe says, clapping Ben on the back a couple times. “Kind of odd that my _best friend_ didn’t mention anything about it this morning, huh?”

“Uh,” Ben’s jaw drops a little bit, and he looks between the two of them. “Huh. I— sorry.”

“I mean, I forgot too,” Joe says, “so it’s not like I can blame you.”

“I’ve been,” Ben looks over at Rami, “well, _we’ve_ been—”

“The Mercury,” Rami says, and Ben nods. “Or rather, the Mercury II.”

“Right,” Ben says. “You’ve heard.”

Rami nods. “They called.”

“Oh, right,” Ben says. He glances over at Joe, who suddenly has a bit of a worried look on his face.

“Are you free?” Rami asks. “I was hoping we could all go out for lunch,” he says, looking between the two of them.

“Oh,” Ben says, stepping back a bit. “I’m— I’m not,” he says. “And, um, but no, you two go. Can you do supper? When are you leaving? What’s— how long are you staying? I mean, you’re more than welcome to stay with me, but someone’s sleeping on the sofa.” Ben thinks for a moment. “I guess it should be me.”

“Just a couple of nights,” Rami says. “If that’s alright. And no, the sofa’s fine for me, I— don’t mind. Yes, supper would be lovely. Joe, are you free for lunch then?” he asks, turning to him.

Joe looks over at Ben, who gives Joe an encouraging smile. “Uh, yeah, I guess so, babe.” He looks over at Ben. “Uh, boss?”

Ben snorts and rolls his eyes. “Yes?”

“Can I take the afternoon off?” Joe asks. “Oh, this is yours,” he says, handing the file to Ben.

“Thank you,” Ben says. “And yes, please do. I’ll make sure I’m done on time tonight. I’ll meet you back at the flat, and we can go out?”

Joe nods, reaching out to take Rami’s hand. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“I’m really chuffed to see you, Rami,” Ben says, looking back at him. “Is, um…Gwil here?” he asks.

Rami shakes his head. “No, he’s in Perth,” he says.

“Right,” Ben says softly. “That…makes sense.”

Rami gives Ben a sympathetic smile. “We’ll see you soon, yeah?” he asks.

Ben nods. “Yeah, I’ll text when I’m on my way home. Have fun, yeah?”

“Bye!” Joe says, waving at Ben, starting to lead Rami out of the office.

“Bye, Ben,” Rami says, glancing back as he walks through the door.

“Bye,” Ben says, sighing softly.

“Come on,” Joe says, tugging on Rami’s arm, quickly leading him down the stairs.

“What’s the rush?” Rami asks. “Are you that hungry?”

Joe glances back at Rami. He stops walking and then glances around the staircase, pushing Rami up against the wall.

“Joe,” Rami says softly, biting down on his lip. He swallows hard when Joe settles against him, glancing down when one of Joe’s legs presses in-between his.

“I’ve missed you,” Joe says softly, and then he kisses Rami forcefully, pressing him further against the wall, until Rami’s up on his toes.

Rami moans softly, wrapping his arms around Joe, holding him close, opening his mouth to Joe’s tongue, and his hips gently start working against Joe before he pulls back suddenly, laughing softly. “We can’t here,” he says, “we’re at work.”

“I know,” Joe says, wetting his lips, “that’s why I’m trying to get you back to Ben’s flat, asap. Come on.” He steps back and takes Rami’s hand again.

Rami just grins and lets Joe pull him along.

\+ + + + +

Rami’s head falls back against the sofa, and he gasps softly, hands tightening on Joe’s hips.

Joe groans, rocking back and forth on Rami’s lap, breathing heavily in Rami’s ear as he fucks himself on him. “Rami,” he murmurs, kissing his neck, “babe, I—” He starts moving a little faster, and Rami whines in his ear. “Like that noise,” Joe says, lifting his head to press his mouth to Rami’s, groaning into his mouth.

“S’okay?” Rami asks, panting softly as Joe works himself up and down Rami’s cock, and Joe nods eagerly, grip tightening on the back of the sofa.

“Uh-huh,” Joe says, nodding. He moves one of his hands to Rami’s face, fingers gently pressing against his cheekbone to get him to turn towards him just a bit more, and they kiss again. “Feels so good,” he says, bouncing up and down a bit quicker. He kisses him again, and again, breaking back only to pant against Rami’s mouth, and to softly talk about how big Rami is and how good he feels inside him, he stretches him _just right_ , until Rami is blushing and crying out loudly as he comes, fingertips digging into Joe’s pale skin.

“Yes, _yes_ ,” Joe cries, and he reaches between them to take himself in hand, stroking himself quickly, pressing his mouth to Rami’s shoulder as he finally comes, body jerking against Rami’s. He shivers, and Rami wraps his arms around him, bringing Joe closer to him, and Joe sighs, settling against him. “Mm,” he murmurs after a moment, “that was nice. Happy birthday to me.”

Rami laughs softly, reaching up to play with the hair at the back of Joe’s neck, feeling him shiver again as he trails his fingers over Joe’s shoulders. “I liked that,” he agrees, and Joe pulls back to look at him.

“Good,” he says, giving Rami a kiss. After a few moments of their heartbeats slowing and their breathing calming, he shifts and reaches back as he carefully lifts himself off Rami, then settles his weight back on his lap. “What did you want for lunch?” he asks quietly, snugging against Rami, his eyes closed.

Rami laughs in disbelief, shaking his head. “ _That’s_ what you’re thinking about right now?” he asks.

Joe nods. “Mm, yeah. Now that I’ve come I can think a little clearer. There’s a good Chinese place that’s like a ten minute walk away. Does that sound good?”

Rami laughs again, shaking against Joe. “I think I need a shower first,” he says.

“Okay,” Joe agrees, but he makes no move to climb off him. “But we gotta make it quick, I’m hungry.”

“Okay,” Rami says softly, pressing a kiss to Joe’s temple. He doesn’t make a move either, just rests his forehead against Joe. He loves this feeling of being with him again. Not just like _this_ , although he’d be lying if he said the sex wasn’t also amazing. But just being around Joe, god it makes him so happy. Then he remembers. “Your gift is in my bag,” Rami says, gesturing towards the front door, where he’d sat down his backpack before Joe had pushed him onto the sofa and climbed on top of him.

“You’re my gift,” Joe says.

Rami smiles. “That’s very sweet of you,” he says, tracing circles on Joe’s thigh.

“It’s true,” Joe says. “Was the sex not my gift too?” he asks.

“Not really, no,” Rami says, “but if you’d like, I can take your actual gift back to the shops and we can just have sex again.”

Joe lifts his head at that. “Hmm, I don’t know,” he says. “Like I _love_ the sex, but a gift…maybe I should see it, just to be sure. I want to make the right decision.”

“You’re going to have to move then,” Rami says softly, gently pushing at Joe’s hips.

“Mmm, no, then, never,” Joe groans, but he finally pushes himself off Rami, collapsing onto the sofa. He grabs the towel they laid down and wipes off his inner thighs, watching as Rami shakily pushes himself up, heading first into the bathroom to clean up, then coming back out and going over to his bag. “Is this the gift?” Joe asks. “The view? Because yes please, I love it.”

Rami looks over at Joe and shakes his head. “Stop it,” he says, blushing from his cheeks down to his chest as he unzips his bag, reaching his hand in to pull out the wrapped present. He walks back over to Joe and sits down, tugging a throw blanket over their laps, feeling just a little bit too exposed. “It’s not much,” he says. “I’m, well, I’m not terribly good at buying gifts,” he says, handing it to Joe. “And everything’s a bit different now. I actually bought it on the computer, isn’t that something? By myself,” he says proudly, even though he know that Joe’s probably been buying things online since he was a child.

Joe looks up at Rami, grinning. “It really is,” he agrees, and Rami can tell he’s not joking. Joe’s actually happy for him. “And whatever it is, I’ll love it,” he says, carefully starting to unwrap the small box.

“I hope so,” Rami says, nervously watching Joe.

“Ooh, a box,” Joe says softly, running his fingers over the dark blue velvet box. “Anything inside?” he asks.

“Open it,” Rami says.

“Okay,” Joe says, leaning in to give Rami a kiss. “I will then.”

Rami swallows hard as Joe pops open the box, tightening his grip on the blanket.

“Oh, these are nice,” Joe says, looking at the cufflinks. “I love the colour. I don’t wear a lot of suits but maybe now I’ll have to. Thanks, babe.” He leans over to give him a quick kiss, then settles back. Just noticing it, Joe takes out the small piece of paper that was tucked into the top of the box, unfolding it. “ _Take your favourite stadium out on the town while wearing these one-of-a-kind ballpark cufflinks. Made of material salvaged from the seats from famous ballparks…_ ” Joe looks back up at Rami, who’s smiling nervously at him. “Are these Yankee cufflinks?” he asks.

Rami nods. “They are. I— I hope you like them.”

“Rami, these are _amazing_ ,” Joe says, reaching out to pull Rami back in for another kiss. “Babe, I— I mean, come on, did you really think I wasn’t going to like them? God, and all I gave you for your birthday was a photo. Of me. Like an asshole.”

Rami grins and shakes his head, kissing Joe again. “I love that photo,” he says. “It’s of _us_. I keep it by my bed.”

“Yeah, you do,” Joe says, running his fingers over the royal blue wood in the cufflink, smiling. “These are beautiful,” he says softly. “This is the best gift ever,” he says. He looks up. “Besides you, I mean.” He grins. “I’m gonna wear these when I take you there someday, you know.”

“To Yankee Stadium?” Rami asks.

Joe nods. “Hell yeah,” he says. “I know baseball’s not your thing, but—”

“I’d love it,” Rami says quickly. “I can’t wait.” He smiles at Joe, heart fluttering when Joe looks back at him, as happy as he’s ever seen him.

\+ + + + +

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Rami asks, shifting a bit in his seat.

Joe grins. “Because I honestly still can’t believe you managed to surprise me,” Joe says, looking at Rami over his menu, smiling at him so hard his face hurts. “You’re actually _here_.”

“Of course,” Rami says. “After everything you did for me on my birthday, or rather, _for_ my birthday, did you really think I wouldn’t come?”

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know, like Ben said, we honestly haven’t been thinking about it. It’s been— the office is nuts right now.”

“I can imagine,” Rami says. “So, you’re working on the Mercury then?”

“Ben is,” Joe says, “so I guess I am, sort of.”

“I just still can’t believe it’s not a joke,” Rami says. “It’s actually happening, they were serious?”

Joe nods. “As far as I know, yeah.” He swallows hard. “Are we going to talk about it?” he asks.

Rami frowns. “About what?” he asks.

“You know,” Joe says. Rami swallows hard. Joe blows out a long breath, nodding slowly. “Are you going?”

“Are you?” Rami asks quickly.

Joe pauses at that, then shakes his head. “Not if you aren’t,” he says. “So, are you going?”

Rami looks down at the table. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it,” he says.

“Right,” Joe says, nodding. “That— I mean, I would be too, I guess.”

“Really?” Rami asks, looking back up.

Joe shrugs. “I mean, sure, yeah. I mean, it crossed my mind. Not seriously or anything. But sure. Of course. It’s kind of a huge deal, I think it’s crossed everybody’s mind.” He drums his fingers on the table a couple times, setting down his menu. “Rami?” he asks. “Are you going?”

Rami watches Joe for a moment, thinking, and then he slowly shakes his head. “I came to tell you that if you were going, I would think about it. But I don’t want to.”

Joe smiles in relief. “I’m not going if you’re not going,” he says.

Rami smiles back. “Then we’re not going,” he says.

Joe shakes his head. “Nope, guess not.” He reaches out to take Rami’s hand. “You sure?” he asks. “I don’t want to be the one to like, hold you back or something. If you want to go, I— I don’t want to stop you.”

Rami shakes his head, squeezing Joe’s hand. “I thought about it, like I said,” he says. “And there is something so wonderful about being able to travel so far and see things that nobody else has ever seen or maybe that nobody else ever will, but…I’ve done it. I’ve lost everyone once. I don’t think I could do it again. Come back to a whole new world, have to learn new technology. Have to meet new people. I— if you said you wanted to go, I…but I’m not losing you. I don’t want to lose anyone else ever again.”

Joe nods. “I mean, everything you and Gwil have said about Luyten, and space, and your photos, it looks beautiful. But it’s not home, you know? This is home. Or, maybe not London, but you know, _Earth_ , in general. You’re here. My family’s here. If I had to get on a spaceship, knowing I’d never see them again.” Joe swallows hard. “Well, I don’t know, really. I think it would fuck me up.” He looks away. “Sorry.”

“For what?” Rami asks.

“Nothing,” Joe says. “I just…know you did it once before. I didn’t mean— I don’t want you to feel guilty.”

“Right,” Rami says softly.

Joe nods. “Though, obviously, to be fair, you didn’t know you wouldn’t be back.” Rami looks away at that. “What’s wrong?” Joe asks, squeezing his hand again.

Rami shakes his head. “Nothing, it’s…” He looks up at Joe, and Joe feels his heart sink a little.

“It’s Gwil,” Joe says, and Rami nods. “Is he going?”

“I don’t know,” Rami says. “I really don’t. He hasn’t said anything, but I’m so scared. He’s…he runs away. It’s easier for him to avoid things than face him and this is the best way to avoid all of this mess that I’ve ever heard.”

“Rami,” Joe says.

Rami lets out a broken laugh and reaches up, wiping at his eyes. “I know,” he says, “I can’t believe it either. But I— I think he might. It’s like how I knew you wanted to move to London, even before you told me. I just knew. Because I know him. I know how he thinks.”

Joe just shakes his head. “He wouldn’t leave you.”

“Well,” Rami says, “I think he would. Now. Maybe not before, but now. Yes, he would.”

“Is he—” Joe blows out a breath. “I don’t know. No. I think you’re— you’re overreacting, babe. Gwil’s in a bad place, yeah, but he’s not, he’s not gonna go to _space_.”

“Joe, if he goes, I’m going to miss him, so much,” Rami says.

“I know,” Joe says. “Honestly. I mean— fuck. Like, if he goes, he’s gonna go full-on hermit if he comes back and he’s alone. Like, he’d be dead if it weren’t for you, like, he knows that, right? And— I mean, he’d still feel guilty about Roger, but then he’d also just feel guilty about Ben. Like, this doesn’t end well, Rami.”

“I know that,” Rami says. “I think he knows that too. That’s what I’m worried about, that he just doesn’t care anymore.”

“Well, he’s _wrong_ ,” Joe says. “I mean, you know more than anyone, me? Not his biggest fan. Like, let him go work in the basement of some IIS outpost in the Arctic and never make me see him again, but this is insane! Also, there’s no way. He’s— he’s sick, Rami. They’re not going to send someone like him on this mission.”

Rami shrugs. “They were very persistent,” he says. “They want us. The original twenty. Nineteen.” He shifts in his seat. “I don’t know if they care how we turned out. It’s probably better that way. Send the crazy people back into space, that way they don’t fuck up anybody else.”

Joe smiles. “That’s strong language from you,” he says, amused.

Rami smiles and rolls his eyes. “I think you just said far worse to me back in the flat,” he says, and Joe grins even wider.

“Damn right,” Joe says. He swallows hard. “I don’t…know what to say, babe.”

“I’m sorry,” Rami says. “I didn’t— I didn’t want to ruin everything. I just, I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m so worried.”

“No, I get it,” Joe says, “babe, don’t worry about that. You didn’t ruin anything. I love you.”

Rami nods, smiling over at him. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Joe says. “You have no idea how much.”

“I think I do,” Rami says softly. “I really do.”

Joe practically beams over at him. “You know, I kind of want to get back to the flat and let you do it again,” he says, shifting in his seat. “That was _good_.”

Rami laughs loudly. “Oh, stop,” he says. “You’re insatiable, you know.”

“Damn right I am,” Joe says. “Jesus. Are you sure that was your first time?” he asks.

“ _Stop_ ,” Rami says, blushing and looking away from him. “Would you read your menu please, and figure out what you want to eat so that we can order?”

“Ooh, bossy,” Joe says. “You know, you can talk to me like that in bed, I don’t mi—”

“Joe!” Rami exclaims, and Joe just laughs loudly.

\+ + + + +

There’s a knock on the door, and Joe frowns, pushing himself up from the kitchen table, walking over to look in the peephole. “Ben?” he asks, pulling open the door.

“Oh good, you’ve got clothes on,” Ben says, smiling as he walks by Joe into the flat. “Hi, Rami,” he says, looking over at him.

“Well, _now_ ,” Joe says softly, closing the door behind him.

“Hi,” Rami says happily, waving at him. “How was work?” he asks.

“It was alright, yeah,” Ben says, toeing off his shoes, dropping his bag down by the door. “Better once I knew you were here, waiting for me to get done. How was lunch?”

“Great,” Rami says, nodding. “We had Chinese.”

“Oh, lovely,” Ben says softly. He looks around the flat a bit and then smiles. “Are you hungry now, or?”

“Whenever you’d like to go,” Rami says. “I’m fine.”

“Good, great,” Ben says. “Uh, maybe I’ll shower first, if that’s alright?”

“Good, get out of here, you stink,” Joe says, walking by Ben, patting him on the ass as he goes.

Ben smiles and rolls his eyes, and then glances over at Rami, who’s just watching them both. “Uh, sorry,” he says.

Rami frowns and then laughs. “For that? Oh, I’m not— although, you know, before I told Joe how I felt about him, I’d sort of convinced myself that he didn’t really fancy me because he was so flirtatious with you.”

“Well, Ben’s my boo,” Joe says, slinging his arm around Ben’s shoulder. “Gotta treat my baby right.”

Rami makes a face and then laughs again. “Anyway,” he says, and Ben snorts with laughter, “what I mean is, it would used to confuse me, but…I think I’m alright now. Although…” He looks around. “Are you two sleeping together? This is a one-bedroom flat.”

Ben looks sheepish and Joe just nods proudly. “Is that alright?” Ben asks.

“I don’t care,” Rami says. “I’m pretty sure you’re not doing what we did this afternoon.” Joe snorts, trying not to laugh. “I trust you.”

“What—” Ben looks over at Joe. “Did you two shag in my bed?” he asks.

“Of course not, we’re not animals, Ben,” Joe says. “God. And I’ll clean the sofa.”

“The sofa that _I_ was going to sleep on tonight?” Ben asks.

“We put a towel down, Ben, I don’t know why you’re freaking out,” Joe says.

“ _You_ can sleep on the sofa, then,” Ben says, pointing at Joe. “Rami and I will take the bed.”

“Hey!” Joe says, pouting. “No fair. That’s my boyfriend.”

“Then you should have thought about that,” Ben says. “Now, god, can I even trust you while I’m in the shower?” he asks.

Joe and Rami look over at each other, smiling, and Ben narrows his eyes a bit.

“Did you shag in the shower?” he asks loudly, and Rami starts to laugh.

\+ + + + +

“Tell me everything,” Ben says, cutting a piece of his dinner. “How are you? How’s Perth? How’s—” he clears his throat gently. “How is he?” he asks.

“We’re fine,” Rami says, glancing over at Joe, who’s taking a long drink of his beer. “Um, Perth is fine. The same, I’m sure that's not surprising. The theatre’s putting on a production of _Frankenstein_ , we went to see that.”

“Oh, lovely,” Ben says softly. He takes a bite, chewing slowly.

“And erm, I don’t know, really,” Rami says. “I’ve still been looking at uni. Starting applications, but…I don’t really know what sort of reference letters I could get.”

“I’ll handle that bit, Rami,” Ben says. “Of course. Just let me know.”

Rami smiles. “Alright then, thank you. I usually just, get up, go for a walk, I read. We cook, and clean, and uh, I write letters to Nelly sometimes.”

“Brilliant,” Ben says, nodding.

“Cinema, tele, just, whatever,” Rami says, shrugging. “I’m a bit bored, honestly. I don’t know how I’m supposed to take another year of just…this. I mean, it’s lovely to have all the spare time but I don’t really know how to use it.” He smiles faintly. “A bit silly, isn’t it?”

“I don’t think so,” Ben says. “It’s— the days can get long. That’s why I came back to work.”

“Is it?” Joe asks, and Ben looks over at him.

“It is,” Ben says flatly.

“Well,” Joe mutters, taking another drink, raising his eyebrows.

Ben sighs, then turns back to Rami. “Anyway,” he says. “You could work for a year, until you start uni. Or you could travel, I mean. I know you’ve said you wanted to.”

“Without me?” Joe asks. 

“With Gwil,” Ben says. “Right?”

Rami shrugs. “He um, I don’t know if he’s— he’s been seeing his doctor,” he says, shifting in his seat. “I don’t know if it’s for the best, for him to just…stop that again.”

“Oh,” Ben says. “Well, that’s good for him. Really, he…well, maybe he needs it.” He looks away, taking another bite.

“Do you talk to anyone?” Rami asks.

Joe’s eyes widen a bit at that, and Ben coughs on his food.

“I’m sorry,” Rami says quickly, “I just meant— well. I suppose that is what I meant, but I hope you’re not offended.”

“No, of course not,” Ben says, reaching out for his glass. “I should. You’re right. I just…don’t really have the time right now, is all.” He sighs. After a moment, he shrugs. “I used to.”

“Really?” Rami asks.

Ben nods. “It’s been awhile, though.” He glances over at Joe. “I suppose he’s told you all about it,” he says, looking back at Rami.

Rami shakes his head. “No, not at all,” he says. “But it’s not, that’s not why I asked,” he says. “It’s not my place to— I just meant—”

“No, it’s alright,” Ben says. “Sorry. I— realize now maybe things would have been different if I’d been more open about it. With Gwil, and everyone.”

“Ben, you don’t have to,” Joe says softly, leaning towards him.

“I’m alright, Joe,” Ben says. “I’m not going to give him all the gory details. I just—” he straightens up a bit, looking over at Rami. “I shouldn’t be ashamed, so I think it’s time I be honest about it, right?”

Joe shrugs, but he’s watching Ben warily, ready to stop him at a moment’s notice if Ben gets too upset.

“I used to date a bloke, his name was Paul,” Ben says. “We went to uni together. And um. Well. I loved him, anyway. He was the first person I…” He trails off quietly. “He didn’t love me back, obviously. Liked to call me names, insult me. For fun, I suppose. Treated me shit, really.”

“That might be an understatement,” Joe murmurs, and Rami kicks his foot under the table.

“I’m terribly sorry,” Rami says to Ben as Joe winces. “Thank you for telling me. You don’t have to say anymore if you don’t want to.”

“I thought I was alright,” Ben continues. “Everything with— well, I don’t think I am, really.”

“Ben,” Rami says. “You’ve been so kind to me, the entire time we’ve known each other. I think you’re brilliant, really. And if you need help, I’d— I want you to get it.”

“Thank you,” Ben says quietly.

“Why did you stop?” Rami asks. “If I can…did it not help?”

Ben shakes his head. “It didn’t, no. I never told him the truth. I didn’t want to admit that I was in a relationship like that. I was embarrassed, so…it’s hard to get better.”

“As you can tell, that’s why Ben doesn’t like to hear how awesome he is,” Joe says, leaning towards Rami. “And that’s why I tell him, over and over.” Rami smiles at him.

Ben looks over at Joe, smiling faintly. “Well,” he says. “This has been properly depressing then, hasn’t it? I’m sorry to ruin our dinner.”

“ _Stop_ apologizing,” Joe says. “And nothing’s ruined,” he assures him. 

“Not at all,” Rami agrees. “But we can talk about something else, if you like. I didn’t mean to…” He looks down guiltily.

“The only thing else going on in my life is work,” Ben says. “And the Mercury.”

Rami and Joe glance at each other, and Rami nods. “Yes, of course. I was a bit shocked, at first. Well, I suppose I still am, really. It seems rather dangerous to do it again.”

“It’s all anybody’s talking about,” Ben says. “Obviously.”

“I can imagine,” Rami says. “What do you think about it?” he asks.

Ben sighs, shaking his head. “I…don’t know, really,” he says. “It’s still early days, so I suppose right now it’s alright, but.” He shifts in his seat, looking away from Rami. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he admits softly.

“Do what?” Rami asks.

“Write the— I think it’s wrong,” Ben says. “They shouldn’t be sending people out there, knowing what’s going to happen to them. It’s not like what happened to you and Gwil, they know now and they don’t care.” He looks over at Rami. “They want me to write the policies to— to help the crew settle back in. In a hundred years. I—” He shakes his head. “I don’t know if I can do it,” he says again. “I don’t want any part of it.”

“Oh, Ben,” Rami says. He glances over at Joe, who’s watching Ben with a sad look on his face. “I, I understand completely.”

Ben nods. “But at the same time, I love my job,” he says. “I love what the IIS has done for me, but…I don’t know, anymore.”

Rami sighs. “I wish I could help you,” he says. “I don’t know what to say, I…it must be difficult, I imagine.”

“Yeah,” Ben says. “And the thing is, if I quit or if I stay, it won’t matter. The mission will go on either way.”

“That’s true,” Rami says. He frowns. “I don’t know what to say,” he says again. “I…don’t want you to do something that makes you unhappy. But I also know that you care more about the Mercury crew than anyone else, and if they’re doing this, you’re the best person, by far, to help them settle back in.”

“Really?” Ben asks.

Rami nods. “Absolutely,” he says. “So— I know you don’t want to do this, but you should know that whatever policy you write, it’s going to be the best chance they have at settling back into a normal life when they get back. So…maybe it hurts,” he says. “But I think if you stay there, it could help someone. Like you helped me.”

Ben watches Rami for a moment, and then give him a grateful smile. “Thank you,” he says softly.

Rami smiles back, nodding. “Just something to think about.”

“It is,” Ben says, nodding. He reaches out to take a drink, then sighs. “Besides, it was beautiful out there, wasn’t it?”

Rami nods. “It was, yes.”

Ben just sighs, and takes a bite of his food. He sits back, then pushes his plate away from him for a moment. “I’ll be right back,” he says, sliding out of the booth, heading towards the toilets.

Joe turns to Rami, and leans down to kiss his cheek. “Thank you for that,” he says.

“For what?” Rami asks, looking up at him. “I just told him the truth.”

“I know,” Joe says, “but that means a lot to him. To know that he’s helped somebody. I’ve been watching him freak out about this thing and I don’t know what to do. So, thank you.”

Rami smiles, nodding. “After everything, I think letting Ben know what he’s done for me is the least I could do.”

Joe wraps his arm around Rami, and pulls him in towards him. “I’m sorry,” he says softly.

“For what?” Rami asks.

“Leaving you,” Joe says.

“Oh, Joe, I—” Rami shakes his head. “It’s— it’s alright. I understand why.”

“But that doesn’t mean it’s fair,” Joe says. “I never wanted to hurt you, and you’d have every right to be upset with me and Ben and instead you showed up to surprise me on my birthday and you tell Ben how important he is.”

“Because I love you,” Rami says. “Both of you. I— I miss you, a lot, Joe, but…it’s not like I’m leaving Gwil either. I understand why you’re here. And he does need you, I can see it. He shouldn’t be alone. Neither should Gwil.” He sighs. “We’ll be alright,” he says. “I just know it.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks.

Rami nods. “Yes.”

They both look over when they hear Ben clear his throat as he slides back into the booth. “Everything alright?” he asks, looking over at them.

Rami smiles and nods. “Yes, it’s fine,” he says, and Joe’s arm tightens around him.

\+ + + + +

In the end, Ben agrees to sleep on the sofa, especially because Joe repeatedly pouts and reminds Ben that it’s his _birthday_ and Ben _forgot_ and he promises they won’t do anything. Ben’s not sure if he believes it or not, but he’s fine to sleep out there. His sofa is comfier than their one in Perth, anyway.

“Goodnight,” Ben says, waving at the two of them as he walks out of his bedroom with a pillow under one arm, a blanket under the other. “Should I expect you at work tomorrow, Joe?”

Joe groans. “Boss, it’s my _birthday_ —”

“Okay, fine, stop,” Ben says, smiling as he pulls the door closed behind him.

“Alright,” Joe says, immediately turning to Rami, “let’s do it. You wanna be on top again or should I?” he asks, leaning in.

“No!” Rami exclaims loudly, laughing as he puts his hands on Joe’s shoulders. “Ben’s right there.”

“I can hear you!” Ben calls from the living room, and Rami laughs again.

“I can be quiet,” Joe says softly, nipping at Rami’s neck until he shivers. “I’m not sure about you, though.”

“Joe, stop,” Rami says, giggling as he pushes Joe away from him. “I…I actually have something,” he says. “To show you.”

Joe pulls back a bit. “Another surprise?” he asks.

Rami nods. “Yes, but…you might not like this one as much,” he says.

“I’ll like whatever you give me,” Joe says, waggling his eyebrows.

Rami scoffs quietly and then climbs out of the bed, going over to his bag to pull out the black portfolio. He carefully holds it as he walks back to the bed, getting in alongside Joe again. “I’d like you to read them,” he says, holding it up.

“What?” Joe asks in shock, looking down at the portfolio. “Babe, they’re…I don’t know.” He shakes his head a bit. “Are you sure?”

“I asked Gwil,” Rami says. “He said it’s alright.”

“Yeah, but are _you_ sure?” Joe asks. “They’re yours too.”

Rami nods. “I know. That’s why I want you to read them.”

Joe blows out a breath, gently taking the portfolio from him. “How come?” he asks, still not opening it.

Rami shrugs. “Roger was one of my best mates,” he explains, “and I’d like you to get to know him,” he says. “I really want that. We talk about him, but— you don’t know him. So, please.”

“Okay,” Joe says, nodding, running his fingers over the leather.

“And I want you to see what Gwil used to be like,” Rami continues. Joe looks up at him. “The way Roger talks about him in those letters, it’s important to me that you see that.”

“Rami, I…” Joe trails off, swallowing hard. “I don’t know,” he says. “I’m not sure if I can.”

“Please,” Rami says softly, reaching out to put his hand on Joe’s. “I know you hate him. I know he hurt Ben, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about what he said and did, and with what Ben said about his ex tonight, I— it’s no wonder you’re so angry with him. But I don’t think he’s like him. Or, I don’t know, that’s for Ben to say, not me. I just know that…he wasn’t always like this. I wouldn’t have been mates with him if he was, you know that, right?”

“I guess so,” Joe agrees. “I just…” He clears his throat gently. “I’m not sure that I’m ready to be back on Team Gwil, you know?”

“I know,” Rami says, nodding. “I know that. But for me, if you’d read them, I’d really appreciate it. It would mean a lot.”

“Okay,” Joe says finally, opening the portfolio. “For you. I’ll do it. But just because I read them, that doesn’t mean I’m going to like him again,” he says. 

Rami nods, snuggling against Joe, resting against him so that he can read the letters along with him. “I know,” he says softly. 

Joe sighs, picking up the first page. “He talks like someone’s great-grandfather,” he says after a few moments.

Rami smiles. “Well, he did start writing these a hundred years ago, Joe. Sorry that he’s not up on current slang.”

“It’s like bad Shakespeare,” Joe says.

“Stop,” Rami says. “Be nice. That’s how I talked too.”

“Okay, fine,” Joe says, “I’m sorry. I was just teasing.” He sighs, getting a bit more comfortable as he goes to the second page, and then the third. He smiles and chuckles at some parts, sniffling softly at others. “He’s right about your eyes,” he says at one point, looking over at Rami, whose face scrunches up when he smiles and blushes. “See, he was right about that too!” Joe says, laughing as he gives Rami a gentle kiss. “He knew you’d blush.”

“Stop it,” Rami murmurs, settling back down against him.

By the time Joe gets to the last letter to Gwil, tears are running down his cheeks, having been quietly crying for the last few pages. Then he sees that the last page is the one letter addressed to Rami and he sniffles, straightening up a bit. His eyes widen a bit. “An ode to Gwil’s cock?” he reads aloud, and Rami shushes him, trying not to laugh. “I mean honestly, I’d read it,” Joe says, glancing at Rami. He playfully shuffles through the letters. “Where is it, I need to see these diagrams.”

“Stop,” Rami says, shaking as he tries not to laugh too loudly, not wanting to disturb Ben.

Joe grins and gives him a quick kiss, then turns back to the page. He stares at it long after he’s finished reading it, absorbing it all, and then he carefully closes the portfolio, reaching over to set it on the nightstand, flicking off the lamp. He sighs and looks over at Rami, rolling onto his side, settling in under the covers. 

Rami snuggles in next to him, looking over at him. “Well?” he asks.

“I’m kind of jealous I never got to meet him,” Joe says softly. “He seems really awesome, actually.”

Rami nods, smiling. “He was the best,” he says, sniffling. “Sometimes I can’t— sometimes I forget he’s gone.” He lets out a shaky breath. “I wake up and I…for a moment, everything seems like it was then…” He swallows hard. “I miss him terribly.”

“I know,” Joe says, nodding, reaching up to run his fingers through Rami’s hair. “I’m sorry.”

Rami smiles sadly. “Now I’m going to lose Gwil too,” he says.

Joe sighs. “You might, yeah,” he says. “You don’t know that, but you might.”

“You won’t help me convince him to stay?” Rami asks.

“Is that why you wanted me to read the letters?” Joe asks.

“I don’t know,” Rami says. “I wanted you to read them because I wanted you to know that Gwil used to be good. And kind, and loving. Roger waited over thirty years for him to come back. He wouldn’t have done that if Gwil wasn’t worth it. Don’t you see that now?”

Joe briefly looks away, contemplating what he does see. What he knows. He knows that Gwil loves Rami, that much has always been obvious. Gwil has his issues, always has, but Joe is sure on that. He does think Gwil would do almost anything for Rami, if it came down to it. And he can appreciate that. He and Gwil have that in common. He also knows that Gwil loves Ben; or did, anyway, Gwil told him as much himself. He knows that Gwil felt guiltier than anything for how he treated Ben on Roger’s birthday. And Joe’s still pissed it happened to begin with, but he knows Gwil was trying after that. Knows that he wanted to make it better. So, he can give him that. He also knows that Gwil said the worst things possible to Ben, said exactly what he knew would hurt him. He can’t forgive that. Maybe Ben can, that’s fine, but Joe…

Joe sighs again. He also knows that Gwil is fucked up. Which isn’t an excuse, but it’s better than someone like Paul who hurt Ben just because he thought it was fun. Now that Joe’s read these letters, has gotten to know Roger, even just a little bit, he can understand why Gwil misses him so much. Why he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about him. Joe can’t imagine what it would be like if he went away, leaving Rami behind, and then never saw him again. But knew that Rami had spent his life waiting for Joe to come back, missing him, begging him to come home. Joe would be fucked up too. He likes to think that maybe he wouldn’t be such an asshole about it but he doesn’t know that. Roger talks so much about how kind and loving and wonderful Gwil is, and Joe can kind of see it. He _has_ seen it. 

Joe glances over at Rami, carefully trying to plan what he’s going to say. “Babe, I—I know if he leaves, you’re going to be upset. I know that, and I don’t want to see that happen to you. And you know what? Honestly, I would be too.”

“Really?” Rami asks. “Really? You— you see? Who he used to be? Who he _is_.”

“I’m not sure,” Joe says, “but yes, I think so. I…don’t know. I think he tries to be good. And I know he feels guilty. And, well, I want him to feel better.” He lets out a quiet breath, looking away from Rami. “And so, if this is what he thinks he has to do to make up for hurting Ben, I…am inclined to let him.”

Rami lets out a soft cry and he squeezes his eyes shut, tears spilling over.

“Oh, babe, I’m sorry,” Joe says, wrapping his arms around Rami, pulling him in. “I’m sorry,” he says again, starting to shush him. “I don’t want to see you upset,” he says.

Rami sniffles and cries into Joe’s chest, tears wetting Joe’s skin. “I don’t want him to go,” he says softly. “You wouldn’t want Ben to go either, why can’t you understand?”

“I _do_ understand,” Joe says softly, rubbing Rami’s back. He sighs. “I’m sorry,” he says, “but I don’t know what you want me to do. If I tell Gwil to stay, he’ll probably leave just to piss me off. Maybe if I tell him to go, he’ll stay just to bother me.”

Rami chuckles softly, and Joe smiles down at him, kissing his temple. “He would,” he agrees, sniffling. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have asked you to read them. I just…I wanted you to get to know Roger. As a real person. After we’ve talked about him so much. He meant a lot to me. He still does.”

Joe nods. “He’s part of your family,” he says. “Of course I want to meet your family. Thank you for sharing him with me. It means a lot.”

Rami pulls back and smiles up at Joe, leaning in to give him a kiss. He pulls back and opens his mouth to say something, but then just shakes his head, closing his mouth again. 

“What?” Joe asks, cupping Rami’s face in his hand.

“Nothing,” Rami says, “it was silly.”

“You sure?” Joe asks. 

Rami nods. “I’m sure. Ignore me.”

Joe grins. “Never. But if you promise you’re alright.”

“I’m fine,” Rami says, sniffling again. “Let’s get some sleep, alright?”

Joe kisses Rami’s forehead, and closes his eyes, settling back, getting comfortable with Rami curled against him. He strokes his hand up and down Rami’s back slowly, trying to calm him down and help him get to sleep.

Rami curls against Joe, snuggling as close to him as he can. He was going to say that he’s never really minded the name Taylor. Silly, really. But still, he bites down on his lip, trying not to smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • this is one of my favourite chapters so I hope that everyone likes it, I feel like so much happened.  
> • oh, Gwil. he's just so confused right now. but he's still so in love with Ben.  
> • a Rami and Joe reunion, though! they're in so love, and so soft together. I love them.  
> • and Joe finally read the letters!  
> • and Ben is opening up a bit more, and he'll do so in the future too. Rami's right, he should be talking to someone.  
> • only six chapters left, oh man oh man, and SO much left to happen (stick with it).


	34. Chapter 34

Gwil wakes up early to walk to the train station. He doesn’t need to take much with him, just his phone, wallet, and keys. He’s not staying in London very long. He plans on just heading straight to the IIS office, speaking to Hartstone, and then ducking back out, hopefully making it back to Perth without Ben or Joe seeing him. He’s not sure he’d be able to explain to either of them why he’s there.

He feels guilty, going to London while Rami’s there but having no plans to see him. He doesn’t plan on telling him he was even there until after Rami’s already back in Perth, in a couple days. Sure, Rami will be hurt, but really, Gwil lying about going to London isn’t what Rami’s going to be focusing on. And besides, Gwil wants Rami to spend his time with Ben and Joe. And they both need to get used to being apart. They’ve spent so much time together over the last few years; basically since they met it was the two of them together all the time. In London, then Perth, then the Mercury. That stings, when Gwil thinks about it. So he tries not to.

But of course, yes, Gwil knows Rami wouldn’t want him to go see Hartstone at all. If Gwil told Rami he was in London, Rami would figure out why, and he’d desperately try to stop him. Gwil needs to talk to Hartstone first before he lets Rami talk him out of this. Gwil doesn’t want to be talked out of this. He wants to do this. Or not, not really. He doesn't _want_ to. It's just that, even though the idea of it scares him to death, he knows it’s for the best, for _all_ of them. It will make all of their lives easier, once he’s out of the way. When he eventually tells Rami, and when Ben and Joe find out, he knows Rami at least will try to convince him to stay. Ben and Joe, probably not, but…maybe. He’s torn between wanting Ben to ask him to stay, versus wanting Ben to just let him go. It would be easier that way. But still, he wonders if Ben will miss him. And then he thinks of what they could have been, what they could have had. He’d do anything to start over. He ruined every chance he had with Ben, over and over. God, he hates himself for it.

When Gwil spoke to Hartstone on the phone and set up this appointment, she sounded eager to have him start as soon as possible. He could be a leader, take on a more commanding position of the crew this time around, since he’d done it all before. He could be there as other crew members were selected; maybe people would be even more eager to sign-up if they knew that an original Mercury crew member was on board. Gwil doesn’t know what he thinks about that; he’s fine just working in a lab again, and sticking to his quarters when he's off, leaving the command to somebody else. Someone else more suited, like East was. He doesn’t think he’s at all prepared for a role like that. Though he supposes, whether it’s an actual official title or not, it will be the role he ends up with. People will look to him for guidance, particularly when they return. He knows he’s a terrible role model, though. He can be a guide to show people what _not_ to do.

Gwil doesn’t know what type of crew is going to volunteer to never see their families or friends again. When they left in 1939, they knew it was a possibility, of course, but not a certainty. These people are giving up on everything. So the people who are going to come must not have a lot to lose. He assumes they’ll all be young, single, solo types— people like him. But not just like him, people like Ben; god, he hopes it’s not Ben. Gwil hopes that London is as far as Ben goes to try to get Gwil out of his life. Ben deserves better than this, Ben deserves…everything, really. And he certainly doesn’t need to punish himself any further for Gwil’s mistakes.

Gwil walks into the train station, checking for his platform, then heads towards his train. He gets on, finding his seat, settling down. He nervously checks his phone, and starts drumming his fingers on his lap. He took the window seat, so he curls against it, looking outside. 

Gwil didn’t make it explicitly clear to his doctor what his plans were, but he assumes that she figured it out. She’s an IIS employee, and so she must know what they’re doing. And she’s Gwil’s doctor, privy to every messed up thought in his mind, everything he’s gone through since he came back, so of course she knows he’s the type of person who would put themselves through this. It seems easier to just join up and start training and send her a letter explaining his decision. It’d be the coward’s way out, but obviously that’s what Gwil did now. He’s a coward. He’s almost surprised himself that he isn’t just running away without saying a word to Rami. But no, he owes him that much. He’ll tell him as soon as Rami comes back to Perth. He’ll deal with everything Rami says to him, does to him, he’ll take it all. And he’ll apologize, and still, he’ll go. 

Gwil sighs as the train slowly pulls away from the platform, increasing speed until the Scottish landscape is just a blur beyond the windows. It’s fast, but it’s nothing like watching Earth disappear behind them from the windows of the Mercury. 

Gwil _did_ enjoy his time on the ship, for what it was. It was an opportunity to explore a branch of his work that nobody else ever had before; that was a huge deal, and a massive honour. He’s proud of the work he did during that year. And besides that, it was the idea that they were doing something for Britain, finding a way out for the people if the war came to pass and their homes were ruined. They were going to save lives.

Gwil’s not really sure what they’re doing it for now. Because they can, he supposes. It’s the same reason people climb Everest (which he enjoyed finding out about once they came back, though he’d always sort of hoped that Mallory had made it to the top first). There was a spirit of discovery. Luyten was wonderful; who knew what else was out there?

Honestly, Gwil doesn’t really care. Gwil’s not doing this because he wants to go exploring; he’s doing this for Ben and Rami, and in a way for Joe, and he’s doing it to punish himself. Get away from the people he loves before he can do them any more harm. One thing that Gwil’s realized since he hurt Ben, something that he would never have believed when he first saw Roger’s gravestone: he left Roger, and Roger was better for it. He got married, he had children, he was happy, he had a good life. In a way, Gwil leaving him ended up being a gift. Yes, they would have been happy together too, but they would have had to hide for so long. And Gwil was never going to give him Felix and Rory. Roger loved those children so much, that was so clear in the letters. And it was clear how much he loved Dominique.

Maybe once Gwil is gone, Ben can find his Dominique.

Gwil has to smile at that, even though it makes his heart break. Ben could be happy without him; no, he _will_ be, Gwil thinks.

The train seems like it takes no time at all, maybe because Gwil’s used to it taking hours and hours; also probably because he’s been lost in his thoughts for the entire time. He takes the tube to Westminster and gets off, walking the short distance to the IIS building. He looks up at it, sighing. It seems bigger than it did the last time he was here, he thinks. He nervously drums his fingers on his legs and finally heads up the stairs, pulling open the door. He sort of feels like he’s walking to his own execution. He keeps his head down to avoid any stares, and manages to find his way up to Hartstone’s office, knocking on the door and greeting her receptionist. As she tells him to sit and wait, Hartstone will just be a moment, Gwil turns and catches his own eye in that _fucking_ photo. He tries not to audibly groan as he sits down. He feels like he’s going to throw up.

He wonders if the IIS will decorate every goddamn room with a photo of the new crew as well. He sighs, shaking his head.

That’s when Hartstone steps out of her office, smiling brightly at him. “Mister Lee,” she says, holding out her hand to his. “We’re pleased to have you back on board.”

Gwil stands up, nodding jerkily, reaching out to take her hand. “Pleased to be back,” he says, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

“Come in,” she says, stepping out of the way to let Gwil walk by her.

Gwil takes a deep breath as he sits down in front of her desk, trying to convince himself that this is _for the best, it’s for the best, it will make everything easier for everyone if you just do this_.

“Mister Lee,” Hartstone says, taking her seat. “Have you ever been to Germany?”

Gwil swallows hard. “Uh, no,” he says, shaking his head. “That wasn’t— well, it was different, then,” he says, shifting in his seat.

Hartstone smiles and nods understandingly. “Of course,” she says. “Well, would you like to?”

\+ + + + +

Gwil slips out of Hartstone’s office, nodding at her receptionist as he goes, then glances around to get his bearings. He lets out a nervous breath, sort of not believing that their conversation really just happened. It all seemed like a bit of a dream, sitting there, listening to Administrator Hartstone explain the details of the Mercury II. She could have told him anything and he would gone along with it, because his thoughts are stuck on the fact that the training centre is no longer in Perth, but has been moved to the headquarters in Cologne. He thought that he’d still get to spend the year with Rami, or at least, closer to him. Germany? What’s he going to do in Germany? He wonders what it’s like there. He also wonders what the other crew members will be like; Hartstone had mentioned that a few other people had already signed up, but they were waiting for more. Gwil can’t help but smile faintly as he walks down the stairs; there won’t be anyone like Rami, that’s for sure.

He can hear the chatter of other IIS employees walking up the stairs towards him and he ducks his head. He’s sure they would recognize him, his photo’s been hanging on the walls for a hundred years. And if they see him here now, they’ll probably be able to guess why. Lord knows the last thing he wants or needs is his name becoming part of the IIS rumour mill. The small group of three pass Gwil without incident, and he lifts his head to glance back at them, wondering if they’re looking back at him. He bumps into someone in front of him, and he stumbles, reaching out to brace himself against them and trying not to knock them over.

“Sorry, sorry,” Gwil says quickly, feet stuttering as he tries to get his balance back. There are hands on his arms, trying to help him steady himself, and then Gwil looks up, mouth falling open a bit. 

Ben gives him a weak attempt at a polite smile, then steps back, the smile immediately fading once he realizes exactly who it is. 

“Sorry,” Gwil says again, blinking quickly, trying to get his brain to catch up what’s happening. “I…” Ben just looks at him, shock written all over his face. Gwil can’t blame him, he’s sure he looks the exact same. He has no idea what to say to him. He wonders if this is a nightmare. It feels like one.

Ben swallows hard and blinks a couple times, shifting on his feet. “Are you— are you looking for Rami?” he asks, finally speaking, and Gwil can only shake his head dumbly. “Because he’s not here,” Ben continues.

“No,” Gwil says, “I know. I was…” He trails off. He doesn’t know how to explain why he’s here. Ben’s far from an idiot, and he thinks it will only take him one guess to get it right.

Ben frowns. “Here to see someone else then?” he asks.

“Uh, I was just…” Gwil swallows hard. He can't think, he doesn't know what to say.

“Me?” Ben asks, and Gwil can’t tell if he sounds angry or hopeful. 

Gwil shakes his head once. “No,” he says softly, his voice rough. 

Ben glances back up at the floor where Gwil just came from, and then his eyes narrow a bit, looking at Gwil. “Hartstone?” he asks, voice quiet. This time, Gwil knows exactly how he sounds, and it's not happy.

Gwil glances behind him then looks back at Ben. “I, well, er.” There’s no point in lying; lying hasn’t gotten either of them anywhere good so far, and besides, Ben was going to find out eventually anyway. So he just nods jerkily. “Yes,” he replies. “Hartstone.”

Ben looks at him sadly, stepping back from him again. “I…really?” Gwil nods. “I don’t know what to say, Gwil,” he says. 

“You don’t have to say anything,” Gwil says.

Ben makes a quiet noise. “So you, you’re going then. Away.” He swallows hard. 

Gwil nods. “I am,” he replies.

“To Cologne,” Ben says. 

“Yes,” Gwil says. “And then…” He shifts on his feet. There’s a lot behind that ‘ _and then_.’ It’s not just a holiday, after all. Gwil won't be coming back from that ‘ _and then_.’ At least not while Ben's around.

Ben gently clears his throat, thinking. “Well, it’s lovely there,” he says finally. “Quite beautiful. I’m sure you’ll love it.”

Gwil’s heart sinks a bit. That’s not what he wanted him to say, he realizes. He wanted Ben to ask him to stay. Not…this. “That’s not why I’m going,” Gwil says quietly.

“Hmm,” Ben murmurs, nodding absentmindedly. He doesn’t press him further, and just looks away.

Gwil takes a deep breath, fingers nervously twisting at Roger’s ring. “Hartstone mentioned you a few times,” he starts, and Ben looks back at him. “How you’re…working on the project. The policies and… I, uh, are you going?” he asks hesitantly.

Ben’s eyes widen a bit at that. “To Cologne?” he asks.

“On the Mercury,” Gwil replies. He can feel his breath catch as he waits for Ben’s response. He suddenly doesn’t know which one he’s hoping for. The image of them together on the Mercury, it doesn’t hurt as much as he expected. It might be sort of nice, really.

Ben swallows hard, and then shakes his head once. “No,” he says. 

“Good,” Gwil says quickly, letting out his breath in a rush. Ben frowns at that, and Gwil quickly shakes his head. “Not that I mean, I just meant— good. You should be here with Rami and Joe. They’d miss you terribly otherwise.” It _is_ good, he realizes. Now that he's said it, he knows he doesn’t want Ben anywhere near that ship.

Ben shifts on his feet. “I thought about it,” he admits quietly. Gwil’s eyebrows shoot up a bit. “Thought maybe I could help people better, if I went with them. Help them adjust when they get back. Thought maybe it could be a fresh start.”

“You don’t need a fresh start, Ben,” Gwil says. “You should be here. With the people that love you.” He doesn’t think he can tell Ben that _he_ loves him, but he suddenly wants to. He wishes he'd told him that to begin with.

“Right,” Ben says softly, looking away from Gwil again.

“What it’s like to come back alone,” Gwil continues, “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”

Ben scoffs and then looks back at him. “Then why are you going back?” he asks.

Gwil opens his mouth to reply when suddenly he gets a notification on his watch, and he looks down. Ben sighs, and Gwil looks back up at him, choosing to ignore it. “Uh, sorry,” he says. He’s thankful he got the notification, because he had no idea how he was going to answer that question. It's a fair one.

“No, it's fine,” Ben says. “I should be going anyway,” he says, making a move to step away from Gwil, but Gwil’s hand shoots out, grasping onto Ben’s wrist. Ben freezes, looking down at Gwil’s hand.

“I _am_ sorry, Ben,” Gwil says. He swallows hard, letting go of Ben, hand slowly dropping back down to his side. “I know I haven’t told you that yet. And it’s not because I’m not, it’s because I didn’t quite know how to tell you. I don’t know how to begin to explain how sorry I am. I hurt you, _terribly_ , I know that.”

“Gwil, I—” Ben says, shifting on his feet, and Gwil knows he’s about to walk away from him.

“Please,” Gwil says. He’d rehearsed this in his head every day since it happened, but now that he’s actually here in front of Ben, he can’t think, he just starts to ramble. “Just— I need you to know what I said, it wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault. All of it, I said it to hurt you, because I knew that it would. You told me about your family, and I used it against you. I…I wanted to hurt you. And I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve it. None of it was true. None of it, not one word. I’m terribly sorry. I’ve never regretted anything more in my life.” He takes a breath, looking at Ben. _Anything_ , he thinks. Even more than leaving Roger.

“I have to go,” Ben says softly.

Oh, he thinks. That’s it, then. “Right,” Gwil says, and he takes a step back to move out of Ben’s way. “I…please, Ben. Just know that. I know you have no reason to trust me or listen to me, but please know that you’re not what I said you are. You’re smart, and kind, and—” Gwil swallows hard, keeping himself from saying _‘beautiful,’_ “and everything that Roger said to me in those letters, all his hopes and dreams for me, I hope they come true for you. _You’re_ the one who deserves to be happy. You deserve everything.” He smiles faintly. “The loveliest things that this world can give you.”

Ben lets out a soft sound, recognizing Roger’s words from one of the letters, looking away as his eyes start to fill with tears. He blinks quickly and stares down at his feet.

“And if your family thinks they don’t need you, they’re all arseholes,” Gwil continues. “They don’t know you, how good you are. And they sure as hell don’t deserve you. And— I’m sure you’ve heard all the apologies from him before, and I don’t know what that bloke did to you, but you didn’t deserve that either.”

“No,” Ben says softly.

Gwil frowns, hoping that Ben isn’t saying he deserves it; if he is, Gwil knows that the things he said to Ben didn’t help with that, and he feels even guiltier for it. Then he thinks that maybe Ben just doesn’t want to talk about him. “No, you’re right, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t bring him up, that’s not my place.”

Ben keeps looking down at his feet. “No, that’s not…it,” he says. “I just meant, he never apologized to me. Are you joking? He would never.” He just shakes his head.

“Then I hope he’s rotting in a ditch somewhere,” Gwil says, without really thinking about it.

Ben has to laugh softly at that, nodding. “I think Joe threw him in the Thames a few years ago,” he says.

“Even better,” Gwil replies, smiling faintly.

Ben looks back at Gwil for a moment, and then nods once. “Thank you,” he says softly.

Gwil nods, then sighs. “I should go then,” he says. “Before Joe spots me and throws me in the Thames too.” Ben laughs again, and Gwil thinks how much he loves that sound. He wishes he could hear it forever. But he knows he doesn’t deserve it. “Have a good day, Ben,” he says, making a move to step away from him.

Ben opens his mouth to say goodbye, but then he changes his mind, suddenly realizing something. “Gwil,” he says.

“Yes?” Gwil asks, stopping to look at him.

Ben just stares at him. “Does Rami know you’re here?” he asks. Gwil looks down guiltily, and Ben sighs. “Are you sure, after everything, that we should keep lying to him?” he asks.

“I’m not…lying,” Gwil says, shifting uncomfortably. But he is, he knows that. “I _will_ tell him, of course. I just know how much it will upset him. If I can put off hurting him, even just for a little bit, I think I owe that to him. After everything.”

“Are you sure about this, Gwil?” Ben asks.

Gwil glances down the staircase, starting to tap his foot nervously. “I have to go, I have a train to catch.” He moves again to step by Ben, but Ben puts his hand up, stopping him this time.

“No, Gwil,” Ben says. “You have to tell Rami. Now.”

Gwil shakes his head quickly. “I can’t,” he says. “I’ll tell him when he comes home. He’s— he’s with Joe right now. For his birthday. I can’t ruin that. I can’t take that from him.”

Ben sighs, shaking his head. “Rami told me you were talking to your doctor again. What does she have to say about this?” he asks.

“I…” Gwil blows out a soft breath. “I haven’t— I haven’t told her yet. Not _exactly_.”

“God, Gwil,” Ben mutters. “Of course not.”

Gwil feels a bit of anger flare up in him and he tries to keep himself calm, tries to not snap at Ben, because it’s not Ben he’s angry at, but— “I know that I messed up, Ben, believe me, I do. I am _trying_ to fix it, though.” He has to make Ben see that. “It will be better,” Gwil says. “You’ll see. Besides,” he says, straightening up a bit, “I want this.” Ben’s eyes widen at that. “I want to go. And so, it’s final, alright? I’ve told Hartstone yes. I go to Germany next week.”

“Gwil,” Ben says softly.

“I have to go,” Gwil says, stepping by Ben, stopped again by Ben’s hand, this time on his arm.

“Gwil,” Ben says again, squeezing his arm, “ _please_ tell him. Sooner rather than later. He’s your best mate, he deserves to know.”

“And he _will_ ,” Gwil says, looking at him. “When he comes home. He was so looking forward to this, I’m not ruining it for him. Alright?” He sighs and pulls his arm away from Ben, walking by him. He makes it a few steps down before Ben calls his name again. “What?” Gwil asks, stopping, turning to look up at him. He can’t ignore him, even now.

“I can’t lie to Rami anymore,” Ben says. “I can’t go back there and pretend that I didn’t see you, or pretend that we didn’t talk.” Gwil looks away, swallowing. “I hurt him enough already,” Ben continues. “So do _not_ make me do this again. I can’t.”

Gwil looks back up at him, letting out a deep breath, his shoulders slumping.

“You tell him now or I will,” Ben says, with a strict finality that lets Gwil know he’s serious.

Gwil bites down on the inside of his lip, and after a moment, he nods. “Where is he?”

\+ + + + +

Ben knocks on the door to his flat, waits a moment, and then knocks again before unlocking it. “Are you both decent?” he calls as he pushes the door open.

“As I can be,” Joe replies, looking over at the door from where he’s sat on the sofa, watching television. “You’re home early. What’s up?”

Ben sighs, stepping into the flat. He glances behind him, and then nods once, and Gwil follows in after him, looking over at Joe.

Joe’s eyes widen and he straightens up, looking at the two of them. “Uhh…” He swallows hard and then pushes himself up, fumbling for the remote to turn off the television. He raises his hands to his mouth, still looking shocked. “I don’t even know…” he says softly, mostly to himself. He shakes his head in disbelief. “What the fuck, I guess? I don’t know. I— Ben, what is he doing here?” he asks, ignoring Gwil.

“He needs to talk to Rami,” Ben says.

“Rami’s in the shower,” Joe says, glancing towards the bathroom. 

“Then you should go get him,” Ben says.

“Ben—” Joe starts, but Ben just shakes his head.

“Joe, please,” Ben interrupts him. “It’s important, yeah?”

Joe looks between Ben and Gwil, and sighs. “Did something happen?” he asks, finally speaking to Gwil. “Is it— Nelly, or, I don’t know, did—”

“No,” Gwil says. “Nothing happened. It's alright.”

Joe swallows hard, nodding. “I’ll uh, okay, just— give me a few minutes.” He hurries over to the bathroom door, knocking gently before slowly pushing the door open. He calls Rami’s name before closing the door behind him.

Ben glances over at Gwil, then gestures around the flat. “Well? Do you want a drink or something?” he asks.

“No, I’m fine,” Gwil says, shaking his head. He looks around. “This is lovely though,” he says.

“Thank you,” Ben mutters, tossing his keys onto the table, walking into the kitchen to grab a glass. He fills it with water and takes a slow drink, leaning against the counter, watching Gwil.

Gwil looks away, starting to shift on his feet under the weight of Ben’s stare. He has no idea what to say to him. He apologized, and he’s happy for it. Ben didn’t say he understood, or that he forgave him, and that’s fine. That’s not what he wanted. He just wanted Ben to know he was sorry, he _is_ sorry. He never really planned out what he was going to say after that. He didn’t think he’d have the opportunity to say anything else. He certainly _never_ thought he’d be here.

They stand there in awkward silence until the bathroom door opens and Rami walks out, wearing a t-shirt and joggers, a towel in his hands. He spots Ben first and smiles, but then he realizes that Gwil is standing there as well, and he freezes. “Gwil?” Rami asks, blinking in disbelief. “I— Gwil? What’s going on?” he asks. He hurries over to him, looking up at him, studying him. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?” he asks quickly.

Ben looks over at Joe, who’s walking slowly out of the bathroom, and then nods towards his bedroom. “We’ll leave you two alone to talk,” he says, pushing himself away from the counter.

“No, I wanna—” Joe starts, looking at Ben.

“ _Joe_ ,” Ben says.

Joe sighs, and finally follows after Ben. Ben waits inside his doorway, waiting for Joe to walk past him, and then he shuts the door behind them both. “What’s going on?” Joe asks immediately, stepping up to Ben. “And don’t lie,” he says.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Ben says, shaking his head. He sighs and walks by Joe, sitting down on his bed. He swallows, looking down as he smoothes out part of his blankets, then glances up at Joe. “He’s going. On the Mercury."

Joe looks at Ben, eyes sad, but by the look his face, Ben can see that he's not surprised.

“You knew,” Ben says softly. “And you didn’t tell me?”

Joe shakes his head. “I didn’t know,” he says. “Not for sure. But yeah, Rami guessed it. He was worried. Thought that Gwil would use it as a chance to— to run. Get away from us. It. What he’d done.” He sighs and walks over to Ben, sitting down next to him. “I’m sorry, Ben,” he says softly, reaching out to squeeze Ben’s knee.

“For what?” Ben asks, shaking his head. “He said he wants to go. It has nothing to do with me. I thought about it too. I see the appeal."

Joe frowns at that, and leans towards him, resting his head on Ben’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Ben,” he says again.

Out in the flat, Gwil’s got his hands on Rami’s shoulders, trying to comfort him. “Nothing, nothing’s wrong,” he says, giving him a weak smile.

“Then why are you here?” Rami asks. “Why— you’re in London. You— you didn’t tell me. I— did you…did you come here and then see Ben? Did you come here _to_ see Ben? Why didn't you tell me, I don’t…”

Gwil shakes his head. “No,” he says. “I didn’t come here to see Ben.”

“Then what?” Rami asks. “What’s happened?”

“Nothing,” Gwil says. He sighs. “Come on, let’s sit.” He reaches out to take Rami’s hand, starting to lead him towards the sofa, but Rami shakes his head, jerking his hand back. “Rami, _please_.”

“No!” Rami exclaims. “No. Tell me why you’re here. Tell me what’s happened.” He drops the towel onto the floor and nervously crosses his arms, looking at Gwil. “Tell me what you’ve done,” he says softly.

“Rami, it’s for the best,” Gwil says, and Rami just shakes his head furiously.

“Then _say it_ ,” Rami says. “Say it. I already know, so just say it. Tell me the truth, if you can.”

Gwil swallows hard, and looks down, taking a deep breath as he touches his pinky ring. “I’m going,” he says. “Back.”

Rami brokenly laughs, shaking his head as his eyes start to fill with tears. “You haven’t,” he says. “Tell me you haven’t, tell me you’re lying.”

Gwil shakes his head. “I can’t. I’m— I came to speak with Administrator Hartstone. She wants me to join the Mercury II.”

“She wants _me_ to join the Mercury II,” Rami says, “but that doesn’t mean I’ve said yes! I told her no! Why can’t you do the same?”

“Because it’s not the same,” Gwil says. “It’s not. It can’t be. You— you have so much more to stay here for, Rami. You have Joe, and—”

“You have _me_!” Rami yells, and Gwil flinches back. “You have me. I’ve— I’ve stayed with you through _everything_! Through every day you didn’t talk to me. Through— when you insulted Ben and Joe and ignored them and ignored me, and when you hurt him! When you said those things to him and I _hated_ you, I still stayed with you. I told you I would never leave, and now _you’re_ leaving _me_?”

“That’s _why_ I’m leaving!” Gwil snaps. “Because you— you’re so _good_ , Rami, you’re so kind. And you don’t deserve what I’ve done, but for some reason, you keep choosing me! You keep staying with me. When this entire time, you should have been with Joe. You should be with Joe. Here, in London. With Ben. You were never going to leave me.”

“Because I love you,” Rami says softly, reaching up to wipe at his face.

“And I love you,” Gwil says, swallowing hard past the lump in his throat. “That’s why I’m doing this. You refuse to listen. You— god, Rami, you can’t stay in Perth with me. Not when Joe’s here in London, and he loves you. He loves you so much, he would die for you, and you’re going to be with him, and be happy. You’re going to be happy together forever, and you deserve that, and I can’t be the reason that you stay in Perth. I can’t be the reason that you lose him. I have done a _lot_ of bad things, Rami, but if I keep being the reason you and Joe aren’t together, I’ll die. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.”

“Let me worry about Joe,” Rami says. “Gwil, don’t do this. Please don’t do this, I’m _begging_ you to not do this. You’re not— it’s fine. I forgive you. I forgive you, we all forgive you. Don’t go.”

“Rami, I—” Gwil’s cut off by Rami throwing himself at him, wrapping his arms tightly around Gwil’s chest, holding him close. Rami starts sobbing into his shirt, clutching at him, and then his shaky knees start to fail, and Gwil slowly lowers them to the floor together, holding Rami to his chest, pulling him towards his lap. “It’s alright, Rami,” he says softly, rubbing Rami’s back, shushing him gently. “It’s alright.”

In the bedroom, Joe looks over at Ben, who’s staring down at his lap, tears spilling over onto his cheeks as they listen to Rami pleading for Gwil to stay. “I gotta go out there,” he says softly, pushing himself off the bed.

Ben reaches out to grab Joe’s arm, tugging him back. “Joe, stop,” he says.

“Ben, no,” Joe says, snatching his arm away. “He _needs_ me.”

“He needs Gwil right now,” Ben says, looking up at him. “They need to deal with this on their own. This is between them.”

Joe scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief. “Ben, you’re not— you’re not serious; he’s out there _hurting_ him, and you want me to just—”

“Joe, stop,” Ben says again. He reaches up, wiping his eyes. “He’s not hurting him, alright? Just give them a minute, okay?”

“How are you okay with this?” Joe asks angrily.

Ben gently clears his throat and looks away.

Joe watches Ben for a moment, and then takes a step towards him. He crouches down in front of Ben, looking at him. “Ben?” he asks quietly, reaching up to him. Ben jerks away, sniffling and quickly wiping at his face. “Are you really okay with this?” he asks.

“He wants to go,” Ben says, sniffling again. “It doesn’t really matter what I want, does it?”

Joe swallows hard. He glances back at the door, then pushes himself forward, wrapping his arms around Ben, pulling him in. “Oh, Ben,” he says softly.

Ben breaks a bit and starts to quietly sob into Joe’s shirt, clutching tightly at him.

“It’s okay,” Joe says sobbing, rubbing Ben’s back, holding him close. He shifts on his knees, already starting to ache, and he knows that Rami needs him, but he can’t let Ben go. Not right now.

\+ + + + +

The bedroom door quietly opens just a bit, and Gwil looks up from where he’s still sat on the floor, leaning against the wall, an exhausted Rami all cried out, still wrapped up in his arms. Gwil sniffles softly and watches Joe peek out of the room, and then the door opens a bit further, and Joe slowly walks out.

“Is he asleep?” Joe asks softly, coming towards them.

“No,” Rami murmurs, reaching up to wipe at his bleary eyes.

Joe smiles sadly and leans down, wrapping his arms around Rami, carefully helping him off Gwil’s lap, getting him to his feet. “You should be,” he says quietly, brushing his fingers over Rami’s cheeks, checking to see if they’re still damp.

“It’s only the afternoon,” Rami says, rubbing at his eyes. “It’s still early.”

“It’s been a long day already, babe,” Joe says. “Come on. Ben’s resting too, you should join him. Just a nap."

“I’m not a child,” Rami snaps, stumbling back out of Joe’s arms.

Joe looks at Rami for a moment, eyes wide, before he nods a couple times. “No, I know. I’m sorry, you’re right. Sorry.”

“I’m sorry,” Rami says, sighing. “I just don’t…” he glances back at Gwil, who’s pushing himself to his feet, bracing himself against the wall.

“No, Joe’s right,” Gwil says. “Get some rest. Besides, I’m going to go.”

“ _Go_?” Rami asks, turning back to him. “Gwil, _no_.”

“Rami, it’s alright,” Gwil says, reaching out to him, taking his hands. “Not to Germany. Not on the Mercury. Just…home, alright? Perth. I’ve got to catch a train. I’ve already missed the one I was supposed to take.”

“No, stay,” Rami says. “Please. Please, Gwil, for the night."

“Rami, I didn’t bring anything other than my wallet,” Gwil says, smiling weakly. “What am I supposed to do? Come on. Don’t worry.”

“Then I’ll come with you,” Rami says quickly. “I’ll come home. Just give me a moment to pack.”

Gwil shakes his head, quickly looking over at Joe. “No, you’re here with Joe and Ben. You should stay. You're going to come back in a couple days anyway. Just stay, it’s alright. I’ll be fine there alone.”

“But…” Rami frowns and then, glances over at Joe before he turns back and pulls Gwil into a hug. “And you’ll be there?” he asks quietly. “When I get back?”

“Yes,” Gwil says.

“Promise?” Rami asks.

Gwil nods. “Of course I do.”

Rami sniffles and nods, stepping back. “Okay,” he says. “If you promise.”

“Do you need a ride to the station?” Joe asks.

Gwil looks over at him in surprise, shaking his head. “No. But thank you.”

“You can’t go alone,” Rami says. “It’s— maybe it’s dangerous.”

Gwil smiles at him. “In the middle of the day? I’m alright. I still know how to get around London. It’s not far on the tube. I used to live here, you know.”

“I know,” Rami says, sniffling. “I just…are you alright?”

Gwil nods. “I’m alright. Besides, I’ve already taken up enough of your time. I didn’t want to be a bother.” He steps forward to give Rami another quick hug. “I love you,” he says softly. “I’ll see you at home.” He swallows hard and steps back, giving Joe a quick wave. “Happy birthday, Joe,” he says.

“Thank you,” Joe replies, reaching out to take Rami’s hand, pulling him towards him.

“Tell Ben thank you for me,” Gwil says. “Goodbye.”

“Bye,” Joe says, waving back at him.

“Bye, Gwil,” Rami says softly, watching as Gwil opens the door, slipping out of the flat. As soon as it closes behind him, Rami starts to cry again, doubling over.

“Shh, shhh, it’s okay,” Joe says softly, wrapping his arms around Rami’s waist, holding him up. “It’s okay, I got you, I got you.”

Rami nods, whimpering, tears running down his face. “He can’t go, he _can’t_ ,” he says, voice breaking.

Joe lets out a deep shaky breath, looking at the closed door. He swallows hard and then twists to kiss Rami’s cheek, holding him close. “It’s okay, babe,” he whispers, kissing his temple. “It’s okay.”

\+ + + + +

Gwil easily makes it back to Kings Cross, finding that there’s a bit of a wait until the next train comes. He sighs, buying a ticket, and finding a seat to settle down in. He sniffles, trying to keep his eyes from filling with tears again. He knew telling Rami would be hard, but he didn’t think it would be _that_ hard. Part of him truly thought that Rami would be relieved, really. That Rami hated him enough to be happy that he was leaving. That clearly wasn’t true.

He knew Joe wouldn’t try to stop him. He’d probably never admit it, but Gwil assumes that he’s happy to see him go, at least. But Ben.

Gwil wanted Ben to ask him to stay. The fact that he didn’t, it just makes him want to leave even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • all four of them, finally together again, probably not the happy reunion as you were hoping for.  
> • BUT pro: Gwil finally apologized to Ben.  
> • so, Gwil's going to go to Germany! or is he??? he's going on the Mercury! or is he???  
> • either way, Ben's sad, Rami's sad, Joe remains indifferent.  
> • god there's only five chapters left to make this a happy ending I'm losing my mind.  
> • (I know this was a shorter chapter but so far Chapter 38 is up to 14,000 words and 39 will be even longer so)


	35. Chapter 35

Rami’s curled up on the sofa, his arms wrapped around one of Ben’s pillows, and his feet are up on Joe’s lap. Joe has one of his hands resting on Rami’s ankle, his thumb rubbing slow, careful circles against his skin, slipping up under the hem of his joggers. Rami’s mostly stopped crying at this point, his breathing calm. Joe keeps thinking that Rami must have fallen asleep, he’s so quiet, but whenever he glances over, Rami’s blue eyes are still open, focusing weakly on the television. Joe turned it back on, but he’s not really watching it. It seems bit inappropriate, really. 

After all, it feels like someone’s died.

Joe’s stomach grumbles a couple times, and he shifts under Rami’s feet, but he doesn’t get up to make anything. Doesn’t even grab his phone to order anything. He just sits there, waiting. At some point, he knows Rami is going to say something, or Ben is going to come out of his room and _he’s_ going to say something, but either way. Joe will be ready. He’ll be waiting, he’ll be here.

It’s not as if he thinks that Gwil doesn’t deserve to be punished. Sorry or not, Joe’s still pissed at him. Which, he thinks, is fair. Gwil said just about the worst things that Joe had ever heard anybody say to another person, and he just so happened to say them to Joe’s best friend, so, yeah, fair. But there’s being punished (like maybe Rami moves out of the flat in Perth and into a flat with Joe in London, kind of punished), and then there’s _this_.

Even though Rami had suspected it, and told Joe as much, it’s an entirely different thing to actually hear Gwil say it. To know that he’s actually doing it. He’s leaving. Like, he saw Ben move to London, and was like, ‘ _fuck that, I can do you one better._ ’ He’s leaving the whole planet, everything. _Again_. Knowing exactly how much it’s going to hurt this time. Hell, it will probably end up hurting even worse, because he won’t have Rami with him. He won’t even have Ben or Joe there to help when he gets back. It’s going to be worse, not better, and Gwil’s doing it anyway.

Fuck, Joe hates him. Except, he doesn’t. He _wants_ to. But this is…this is just sad. He’s watching Gwil give up his life, his future, any possibility of being with Ben, his friendship with Rami. Joe can’t bring himself to hate a guy who clearly already hates himself _so_ much. “Jesus,” he mutters softly.

“Mm?” Rami murmurs, looking over at him.

“Nothing, babe, sorry,” Joe says, giving his ankle a gentle squeeze.

“S’okay,” Rami says softly, turning back to the television.

Joe nods, and then swallows hard, glancing towards the still-closed bedroom door. He’s not sure if Ben’s still asleep in there, or if he’s awake and crying, or awake and in shock. Once again, he feels torn between his best friend and his boyfriend, unsure of which one needs his support the most right now. He’s with Rami for right now, though. If Ben comes out and says he needs him, well, he’ll figure that out then.

“I’m sorry,” Rami says after a few more minutes of silence, and Joe looks over at him in surprise.

“For what?” Joe asks. He can't possibly imagine what Rami thinks he has to apologize for.

“Ruining your birthday,” Rami says. His voice is rough, and it breaks Joe's heart.

Joe shakes his head. “No, you didn’t— you didn’t ruin anything. Not a thing. This is— my birthday was yesterday, and it was great. Today’s just…a bit rough. But it’ll be okay.”

Rami’s toes dig into Joe’s thigh as he shifts a bit, trying to push himself up so that he can look at him better. “He said he thinks it’s for the best,” he says.

Joe just looks over at him, watching him quietly. He didn’t ask, or even really want to know, what the two of them spoke about when they were out here alone together; he didn’t think it was his business, but if Rami wants to share it with him, he won’t stop him. He’ll just listen. Let Rami get out whatever it is he needs to get out.

“That he would always miss me, and always love me, and…but he feels like he needs a fresh start. He wants to try again.” Rami sniffles, wiping at his eyes. “And that it’s okay, because he still hasn’t met any of his family, or Roger’s, so he can just go back and nobody will miss him.” Rami’s voice breaks a little at that. “ _I’d_ miss him,” he says softly. “He said then, when he comes back, he can do it right.” He shakes his head. “He’s leaving me.”

“I know,” Joe says softly. "I’m sorry.”

“Maybe _I_ should go,” Rami says, looking down at his hands, digging at a hangnail, seeing if it will bleed.

Joe draws a sharp breath. “Rami,” he says. “I— please.”

Rami looks up at him, bottom lip trembling, eyes filled with tears. “I know it’s hard to believe now, after everything he's done,” he says, “but when we were on the Mercury, _he_ took care of _me_. I would have been so lost without him."

“That’s not hard to believe,” Joe says, “he loves you.”

Rami nods, looking down again. “So maybe if I go with him, this time _I_ can take care of _him_.” He sniffles. 

“Rami, please,” Joe says again. “Please don’t do this.” He wants to reach out, pull Rami into him, kiss him for hours. Anything to get this thought out of his mind. But he doesn’t, he just sits there, watching him, trying not to cry. “I’ll beg, if that’s what you want. I’ll do anything.”

“Would you come?” Rami asks.

Joe lets out a soft sound. He makes no move for a moment, and then finally, he shakes his head. “No,” he says softly, “I wouldn’t. I can’t.”

“I know,” Rami says. “Because of your family.”

“Because of my family,” Joe says, nodding. “And because this is my home. This is— I know, a guy who works for an international space organization who doesn’t actually want to go to space, but I don’t. That’s not me.” He sighs. “This is my life. My _one_ life. I’m not just going to get on a spaceship and come back in a hundred years to start over just because things here are getting hard. I don’t want that.”

Rami nods understandingly, and Joe squeezes his ankle gently.

“You don’t want that either,” Joe says softly.

Rami shakes his head. “No, I don’t.”

“No, you don’t,” Joe says. “I know you don’t want him to leave, and I know you love him, but you want to stay. You told me you did.”

Rami nods. “I do.”

“You want to go back to university,” Joe says. “You want to keep writing your letters to Nelly, and visit your family.”

Rami smiles at that, letting out a broken cry. “I want to visit _your_ family,” he says, and Joe smiles. “I want you to wear your cufflinks, and I want you to take me to Yankee Stadium.”

“I want that too,” Joe says. He can’t bring himself to say all the other things that he wants with Rami. He’s still not sure if they’re things that Rami wants, or if it’s too soon for him to say them, but he so desperately wants them. He _needs_ Rami to stay. He can’t imagine his life without Rami now. 

Joe sadly thinks that this must have been how Roger felt when Gwil told him he was leaving the first time.

“Please stay,” Joe says softly. “I know I’m not Gwil, and I know what he is to you, and I know it’s not fair to ask you to stay for me but _please_ stay for me,” he says. “I love you, Rami. And if I lose you, I’ll— I don’t know. I won’t die, but I think I’ll probably wish I did.”

Rami whimpers sadly and then pushes himself up, shifting until he’s moving towards Joe. He settles on his lap and wraps his arms around Joe’s shoulders, resting against his chest. “I told you I’d waited a hundred years for you,” he says quietly. “Remember?”

Joe nods. “I do. That was one of the best days of my life," he says, slowly running his hands up and down Rami's back.

Rami smiles faintly at that. “I…I know there’s no other you waiting for me a century from now,” he says. “There can’t be. It’s just you, here and now. And I love you so much.”

Joe can’t help but feel like a burst of warmth and happiness is blooming in his chest, despite the circumstances of their conversation.

Rami sighs, pulling back a bit so that he can meet Joe’s eyes. “It’s only ever going to be you, okay?” he asks, reaching up to push his fingers through Joe’s hair, smiling. 

“Okay,” Joe says, nodding in agreement. “So you’ll stay?” he asks nervously.

Rami nods. “But I’m not giving up on Gwil yet,” he says, and Joe nods at that.

“Of course,” he says, understandingly. “He’s not gone yet. Training’s at least a year.”

“But I’m staying,” Rami continues. “No matter what he does. The next hundred years of my life are going to be with you, or nobody.”

Joe smiles and leans forward, giving Rami a kiss. Rami makes a quiet sound against him and opens his mouth to Joe’s tongue, clutching at his shoulders as Joe’s hands grab at his hips. Joe’s mind races, and before he can think to stop himself, he pulls back and opens his mouth to speak. “Rami, will you—”

“Sorry,” Ben says, voice rough. He reaches up to scratch at his neck as he walks out of his bedroom, hair a mess, clothes wrinkled, eyes red. “Don’t let me interrupt.”

“It’s okay,” Rami says, moving off of Joe’s lap, but staying close to him, curled against his side. “How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Better,” Ben replies. “Guess I just really needed a nap.”

Joe glances at Rami, and then swallows hard. “Ben, come on, you— you didn’t need a nap.”

Ben fills a glass of water at the sink, turning around, watching Rami and Joe. “No,” he agrees quietly. He walks into the living room, settling down at the end of the sofa, and sniffles softly.

“Are you alright?” Rami asks, turning towards him a bit.

Ben nods. “God, how are you?” he asks.

Rami looks away for a moment. “Terrible,” he admits softly. “But I’m not giving up.”

Ben smiles faintly at that. “I was just thinking, really,” he says.

“About what?” Rami asks.

Ben thinks for a moment, and then he shrugs. “Does Gwil like dogs?” he asks finally.

Rami frowns a bit at that. “Dogs?” he asks. Ben nods. “I suppose so, yes. I think he had one growing up. He quite likes cats, though.”

“Cats?” Ben asks in surprise, looking over at him.

Rami nods. “He and Roger owned one, they had it when Gwil left. A little girl kitty. Orange and white. She was sweet.”

“What was her name?” Ben asks.

“Tiger Lily,” Rami says.

“Oh, like Peter Pan,” Joe says, and Rami shakes his head.

“Like the flower,” Rami says. “Gwil really wanted to name her after a plant.”

Joe smiles at that. “Of course he did.”

“It was the only one they could agree on,” Rami says. “Though, I think it was mostly Roger’s idea, because of the colour. Gwil just went along with it to make him happy.”

“A cat,” Ben says softly.

“What’s going on, Ben?” Joe asks, tilting his head back agains the sofa so that he can see Ben a bit better past Rami.

Ben shakes his head. “Nothing, I just always pictured u— _him_ ,” he corrects himself quickly, “with a dog. That’s all.”

Joe sighs, and holds Rami a bit closer to him. He wishes he could reach Ben from where he was sitting. “Cats are nice,” he says finally.

“I quite like them,” Rami agrees, nodding. “Tiger Lily was a lovey little thing, she purred so loud, sometimes it was like the whole flat rumbled. She’d always be right there at the door, anytime you came ‘round.” He smiles. “I hadn’t really thought of her since then, honestly. It’s odd the things you forget, I suppose.”

“You wanna get a cat?” Joe whispers in Rami’s ear, smiling at him.

Rami looks at him, and then smiles widely, nodding. “I’d like that,” he says.

“Me too,” Joe says, and he gives him a quick kiss. He’s happy. But when he looks over at Ben again, his heart just breaks a little bit more.

\+ + + + +

Rami adjusts the strap of his backpack and shifts on his feet, looking between Joe and Ben. “Thank you for bringing me,” he says, and they both smile.

“Of course,” Ben says, nodding. “Wouldn’t just leave you to the big city.”

“I was born and raised here,” Rami says, smiling back, “but I appreciate it anyway.” He sighs. “I suppose I should go now, then.”

“I can come!” Joe says suddenly. “I can— you know what, I should come. Right?” He glances at Ben. “Just for the night.”

“Joe, no,” Rami says, shaking his head. “It’s alright.”

“No, seriously,” Joe says. “It’s not much of a fun train ride by yourself, I know that. I can come, we can talk, you won’t be alone. It’ll be great. I’m great company, you know that.”

Rami smiles, nodding. “I know, you are. But it’s alright. I don’t mind it, really. I— I want to be with Gwil, just the two of us. I need to talk to him some more.”

“Don’t upset yourself,” Joe says. “If he— if he wants to do this, please don’t fight about it. Give him the time, okay. Like we said, he’s not going today. There’s time.”

Rami nods. “I know, I’ll try.” He sighs, glancing towards his train. “Besides, I…suppose I need to get used to being alone, don’t I? In case he really leaves.”

Joe shakes his head quickly. “No, no, you will _never_ be alone, okay? Never. Not while I’m around, okay? I won’t let you.” He pulls Rami into a hug, holding him close.

“Thank you,” Rami says softly. He looks at Ben over Joe’s shoulder, who gives him a sad smile. Rami pulls back from Joe and steps over to Ben, pulling him in as well. “You won’t be alone either, Ben,” he says. “I love you.”

Ben nods, closing his eyes. “I love you, too,” he whispers.

“I’m sorry for what happened to you,” Rami continues, and Ben whimpers softly, clutching at him. “You don’t deserve any of this. You never have.”

“Thank you,” Ben says. “Neither do you, Rami.” He pulls back, sniffling. “Have a safe trip home, alright?”

Rami nods. “I will, thank you.” He clears his throat and then gives them both a smile. “Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed,” he says. “Next time, I’ll take the sofa, I promise.”

Ben laughs softly. “It’s alright, I don’t mind. But maybe next time you and Joe should just get your own place.”

Rami blushes a bit at that, and glances over at Joe, who’s grinning. 

“See you soon, yeah?” Ben asks.

Rami nods. He gives him another quick hug and then turns to Joe, giving him a kiss. “I love you,” he says.

“You too,” Joe says. “Keep me updated.”

“I will,” Rami says. He sighs, then turns towards the platform. “I suppose I should go,” he says. “Bye.”

“Thanks for surprising me,” Joe says, smiling at him. “I miss you already!”

Rami rolls his eyes, but smiles. “Bye, Ben.”

“I miss you already,” Ben echoes, and Rami laughs.

“Alright, alright,” he says, shaking his head as he starts walking towards the platform. “Bye!” he calls behind him.

“Bye,” Joe says softly, so that Rami can’t actually hear him. He glances over at Ben, who’s just sadly watching Rami walk away. “It’ll be okay,” he says.

“Sure,” Ben says flatly.

“I’m sorry,” Joe says.

“I know,” Ben says. “Thanks.” He shakes his head and turns away.

Joe watches Rami walk away for a few moments longer, until he’s out of sight, and then he reluctantly turns away, hurrying after Ben. He catches up to him, putting his hand on his shoulder, and though Ben doesn’t shrug him off like he expected, he doesn’t speak to him either.

\+ + + + +

Rami takes a deep breath as he stands at the door of his flat. Part of him thinks Gwil lied, that he won’t really be in there. He shakes his body out, trying to get rid of his nerves, before finally unlocking the door, pushing it open. “Gwil?” he calls, walking into the flat. He takes off his shoes and sets down his bag, looking around.

“You’re home!” Gwil exclaims, running out of his room to greet him. “I could’ve met you at the station, you should have told me!”

Rami just shakes his head. “No, don’t worry, it’s alright.” He smiles and walks over to Gwil, pulling him into a hug. “How are you?” he asks.

“Alright, yeah,” Gwil says, nodding. “How are you?” he asks.

Rami pulls back, sighing. “Gwil.”

“Rami, please,” Gwil says.

“Fine,” Rami mutters, shaking his head. “What have you been doing?” he asks.

“Packing,” Gwil asks.

“Already?” Rami asks, a bit horrified.

Gwil shrugs. “Just a bit, yeah,” he says. “Seeing which books I want to take, which ones I should keep here. That sort of thing. You should go through them, of course,” he says. “Any you want to keep.”

Rami nods. He walks over to his bag, unzipping it and taking out the leather portfolio, handing it out to Gwil. “Safe and sound, like I said.”

Gwil smiles, gingerly taking it from him. “Thank you,” he says. “I didn’t think to ask, obviously, but did he— he read them?”

Rami nods. “He did.”

“And?” Gwil asks.

Rami smiles. “He says he wishes he could have met him.”

“That's sweet,” Gwil says softly. “They are sort of alike, aren’t they?”

Rami nods. “I think so. Joe reminds me of him a bit.”

“Yes,” Gwil agrees. Then he smirks and raises his eyebrows. “Is that your way of admitting you were in love with Roger?” he asks teasingly.

Rami laughs at that. “No!” he exclaims, playfully pushing at Gwil. “No, of course not,” he says. “I loved him, but not like that. You know that.”

“Of course,” Gwil says, “I’m just joking.” He sighs, opening the portfolio, looking at the papers. “We’ll have to get these sorted then,” he says.

“What do you mean?” Rami asks.

Gwil shrugs. “Who gets which ones,” he says. “Obviously you can keep yours, that’s yours. But I’d like you to have other ones, as well.”

Rami swallows hard. “Oh, Gwil,” he says, “I can— I can just take copies.”

Gwil shakes his head. “No, these are yours,” he says. “They’re _ours_. That wouldn’t be fair.”

Rami sighs. “Thank you,” he says. He groans softly, looking up at him. “Gwil,” he starts, and Gwil glances over at him. “You don’t have to do this,” he says.

“Rami, _please_ ,” Gwil says. 

“Gwil, listen,” Rami says. “Please don’t do this. We can fix it, whatever’s wrong. Please. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Gwil says. Rami looks at him hopefully. “But this is for the best.”

Rami shakes his head. “Is it? It’s for the best? Gwil, do you even really want to go?” he asks.

Gwil swallows hard, looking at Rami. “Rami, I—”

“Do you?” Rami asks.

“I don’t want to fight, that’s what I want,” Gwil says. “Please, Rami. I’m leaving soon, and I don’t want—”

“Gwil,” Rami says, “do you really want this? Can you honestly say that?”

Gwil sighs. “I—” He looks away from him, and then shakes his head. “No, I don’t,” he says. 

“Goddammit, Gwil,” Rami snaps, exasperated. “Then _why_ are you throwing your life away?” he asks.

“Because it’s for the best,” Gwil says. “It’s what Joe wants. And it’s what Ben wants. I know that.”

“You do _not_ ,” Rami says. “Gwil, no.”

“And just think,” Gwil continues, “you can move to London, right? I won’t be here to make you stay. Everything will be fine.”

Rami scoffs. “I— Gwil, I mean, if you want me to move to London, I’ll move to London! Fine! I’ll go! Gwil, I— I can’t believe you right now. After _everything_. You’re doing it for me? For Ben?” He shakes his head. “I— you know, I would almost be able to understand if you were doing it for _you_ , if you actually wanted this, but do _not_ say you’re doing it for us. We don’t want this.”

Gwil sighs. “He— of course he does, Rami. And you will too, you’ll see. It’ll be better. It— it will be alright. I promise.”

Rami shakes his head, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “So what, then? What do you expect? Do you want me to sit around for the rest of my life? For years, for _decades_ , and write you letters?” He pushes at the portfolio. “And have no idea if you’re alive or not? You’re going to put me through the _exact_ same thing that you put Roger through? What I did to Sami?” He shakes his head, and Gwil opens his mouth to speak, but Rami just shushes him, raising his hand. “I’m going to get married, and I’m going to have children, and _you_ won’t be there, and once again, of course, you’re running away when things get hard! Because you’d rather _leave_ than just _talk_ to him! Gwil! No!”

Gwil stands there quietly in front of him, trembling just a bit. He’s not used to Rami’s outbursts, though, he supposes, he’s been getting more used to them lately. “Rami, I—”

“Think carefully about what you’re about to say to me, Gwil,” Rami says.

“I am,” Gwil says. He swallows hard. “I did talk to him,” he says. “I apologized. And told him I was leaving. And he told me that Germany is beautiful, and he’s sure I’ll love it there.” Gwil glances away sadly. “And Rami, I will always love you.” Rami scoffs and shakes his head. “I _will_. You will always be my best mate. And I will meet your children, or your grandchildren, and you and Joe’ll have told them about me, and I can be their Uncle Gwilym and I will love them too.”

Rami shakes his head again. “Gwil, don’t do this. What will you do when you come back? Who will you be?”

“I don’t know,” Gwil says. “I know that there will be no one left for me to hurt, though.”

“Gwil, you’re seeing your doctor,” Rami says, “you’re getting better. You’ll be better. You— you won’t hurt us anymore. Unless you do this.”

“I’m sorry,” Gwil says. He shakes his head. “But, you know, I’m sure right now Ben’s doing the most wonderful work, and he’ll leave it for whoever’s running the IIS in a hundred years, and it’ll help us all settle back in.”

“You can’t do this,” Rami says, shaking his head. “I won’t let you.”

“I’m sorry, Rami,” Gwil says. “Please. I don’t want to fight. I— I’m not _leaving_. Not right now. Right now, just think of it as me moving. To Germany. You can get there from London. Fly, right? Or— the uh, what Joe told us about that time, the Tunnel?”

“The Chunnel,” Rami says.

“Right,” Gwil says, nodding. “You can drive there, or take the train. Imagine that. I bet you’d love to see that, right? If you thought the Eye was impressive, I mean, I bet that’s…” He trails off when he realizes Rami’s not impressed, he wants nothing to do with his jokes. “Rami, I still have another year. At least. This is just training. Please. I don’t want to fight that entire time. I want you to be happy for me. And— you know, knowing you and Joe, you’ll be married by the time I leave anyway, so don’t worry about that.” He sighs. “I’m just moving, Rami. And you can visit me anytime. I can come to London to visit you. We still have all the time in the world.”

“Is that what you told Roger?” Rami asks flatly.

Gwil flinches back at that. “That’s not fair,” he says softly.

“Oh, no?” Rami asks. “Well.” He sighs heavily, shaking his head. Rami drums his fingers on the counter, glancing at Gwil. He starts tapping his foot on the floor. He’s not letting Gwil go, he’s _not_. Fine, maybe Gwil will get to Germany, but he’s not stepping one fucking foot on that ship, if it’s the last thing Rami does. He looks at Gwil, and then sighs again. “Fine,” he says. “Fine. If you want to go, go. I won’t stop you.” He looks at the portfolio. “I’m sorry for what I said about Roger. It’s not like I didn’t do the same thing to Sami.” He swallows. “Do you want my help packing?” he asks.

“Sure,” Gwil says softly.

They turn and walk towards Gwil’s room together, and the entire time, all Rami can think is that he has a year. Gwil will change his mind by then; Rami will make sure of it.

\+ + + + +

Rami sighs, looking at the calendar in his phone. He hates it. Hates this, all of it. He can see the time Gwil’s train is leaving the next day, and he wants to break his phone he’s so upset. He’s trying to calm himself down, though and convince himself that this is nothing. This is fine. Gwil can go to Cologne tomorrow. That’s fine. Rami tries to think of it as just a holiday. He can’t be _too_ angry, he supposes, it’s not as if he hasn’t been applying to universities and imagining where he’s going to end up living. He’s gone to London without Gwil a handful of times. Sure, Gwil can to go Germany. Rami looks over at him, smiling tightly.

And as upset as he is, he also doesn’t want to fight. Not tonight. Tonight, he just wants to eat dinner with his best mate, maybe get a little pissed if he’s being honest, and deal with the rest of it later. This is fine. 

“Where did you want to order from?” Gwil asks, looking up at Rami from his phone.

“Is there anywhere you haven’t tried yet?” Rami asks. “It’s your last night.”

Gwil smiles. “It’s yours as well.”

Rami smiles faintly at that, looking away. He’s not sure it’s his last night there forever (though Gwil is certainly convinced that it’s his), but he’ll be in London now for the foreseeable future. Which is fine; he likes London well enough. He’s a little less excited about giving up his own bedroom to stay in IIS crew quarters with Joe, but that might not even be so bad. He’ll be with Joe, at least. And get to see Ben every day.

“Do you want something nicer,” Gwil continues, “or just cheap and easy? Pizza?”

“Anything you’d like, Gwil,” Rami says.

“Let’s get a few things, then,” Gwil says, looking back at his phone, then taking out a couple of the paper menus they have. They settle on pizza and chicken wings from one place, and then onion rings, spicy chips, and pudding from another. Rami’s a little worried about leftovers, since neither of them will be eating there tomorrow, but honestly, he also just doesn’t care. He’s happy to run out and grab them some drinks as well. Joe texts him while he does, but Rami just messages back that he’s fine, and he’ll see him tomorrow. 

Gwil and Rami settle in at the kitchen table, all of their food spread out in front of them, their drinks poured, and honestly what upsets Rami the most is that Ben and Joe aren’t there with them. He can only think of all the times they ate dinner together, particularly in the first few days when they moved into Perth. They saw each other _all_ the time. They were as close as could be. Rami misses it. He also genuinely has no idea what to say to Gwil right now, so mostly they’ve just been drinking, maybe a bit too much. But enough to loosen his tongue.

“Do you know who Ben and Joe and I were talking about last week?” Rami asks.

Gwil raises his eyebrows as he takes a drink, shaking his head. “No, who?” he asks.

“Tiger Lily,” Rami says, and Gwil grins.

“Oh god, I loved her,” Gwil says. “Gosh, I miss how she’d curl up with me when I was sleeping. She was lovely a little thing, wasn’t she?”

Rami nods. “She was.”

“How’d she come up?” Gwil asks.

“Ben asked about her,” Rami says. “Well, no, he asked if you liked dogs or not.”

“Really?” Gwil asks. “Hmm.”

Rami frowns a bit. “Joe said that he and I could get a cat,” he says.

“And I’m sure you said yes, immediately,” Gwil says.

Rami nods. “I did. I’ve always wanted a cat. Or a pet of any kind, really. “

“Well, I don’t think you can have one in crew quarters,” Gwil says. “How long are you staying there for?” he asks.

“I’m not sure, really,” Rami says. “I’d— I’d like to find our own place soon, but then I sort of think, what if I don’t end up going to school there, and I move? Wouldn’t make sense to have a flat there then. But we are looking.”

“Near Ben?” Gwil asks.

Rami nods. “Near Ben or nearer to work. Joe says those are the only two places he goes.”

Gwil laughs. “I can believe it.”

“It’s _expensive_ ,” Rami says. “How much it costs to live there, I can’t believe it. I told Joe I don’t know how we’ll pay.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” Gwil says. “I’m sure Joe makes enough, and I know you do.”

“I know, but it’s just a bit foolish, isn’t it?” Rami asks. “To spend _that_ much money on something.”

“Well, yes,” Gwil says, “but to be fair, we’re from a different time, Rami. It’s not the Slump anymore. We’re not poor.”

“Crew quarters is free, though,” Rami says.

Gwil nods understandingly. “It is, you’re right,” he says. “But then you’re living at work with your boyfriend. You might be able to, ahem, be a bit louder, perhaps? In your own flat?”

Rami’s eyes widen at that and he starts to blush, and Gwil starts to laugh. “Oh Gwil, oh, please tell me you never heard us, _please_ , oh god Gwil, that’s terrible. Why would you say that?”

“I didn’t say anything,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “I— that’s you, that’s not me, that’s not what I said.”

“Gwil, that’s awful,” Rami says. He look at him and shakes his head. “I can’t believe that. Have you— am I really—” Gwil laughs even harder. “Oh, stop,” Rami says, “you know, I heard you and Roger plenty. And we weren’t even living together, you just couldn’t hold yourself together until Sami and I made it out of the flat!”

“Oh, that was Roger,” Gwil says, “that was all Roger, not me. He was the one who couldn’t wait.”

“Oh, and I’m sure you got nothing out of the deal, then,” Rami says sarcastically, nodding.

Gwil takes a drink and shrugs. “Well, I didn’t mind it, I suppose.”

Rami looks at him for a moment and then snorts with laughter again. “You’re terrible,” he says. “I— but _yes_ , you’re right, that might be _a_ benefit. God.” His cheeks are flushed with embarrassment.

“So, what’s it like?” Gwil asks.

Rami’s eyebrows shoot up. “What’s…what like?” he asks cautiously. 

“Being with Joe,” Gwil says.

“Sorry, do you need me to explain sex with a man with you?” Rami asks. “I— trust me, Gwil, I’m sure you know a lot more about it than me.”

“I know that, silly,” Gwil says, “though I don’t know about a _lot_ more. No, I just— we don’t have to talk about it, of course, but we never really have, I know a lot of things have happened since then, and I just thought— you were a virgin.”

“Yes,” Rami says quietly.

“And?” Gwil asks. “Was it worth it?”

Rami looks over at Gwil, and nods slowly. “It was, yes. I’m very happy that I waited for him.”

Gwil grins over at him. “I know I don’t really have a leg to stand on when it comes to hurting people, but if he ever hurt you, I’d kill him.”

“I know,” Rami says. “But he wouldn’t. He…it was lovely. He’s lovely. All the time, not just during sex.” He snorts a bit at that. “I—” He gently clears his throat, and leans across the table a bit towards Gwil, as if worried someone else can hear him. “Last week, in London…he—” Rami blushes a little bit and looks away again. “Well, he let me. Do it.”

Gwil looks at Rami and then snorts a bit, nodding as he takes a drink. “And?” he asks. “Did you like it?”

Rami shrugs. “Yes, I suppose I did.”

Gwil laughs again. “Well, good. I’m sure he did, too.”

“Have you ever—” Rami shrugs. “Are you, um, I mean, I know Roger told me enough to know, but did you ever do it the other way?” he asks.

“Sometimes,” Gwil says. “I don’t mind it, really. Just up to Rog, and whatever he was in the mood for.”

Rami grins. “This is a bit of a naughty conversation, isn’t it?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “It is,” he says. “But we could never have them before, so, I’m fine with it. Are you?”

Rami nods. “I’ve always imagined this was the sort of thing blokes would talk about with each other. Except, well, usually…about women.” He sighs. “Joe’s been with women, you know.”

Gwil nods. “I do. Does that bother you?”

Rami shakes his head. “No, not at all. I just. Well, it would have been easier, wouldn’t it have been?”

“Probably, yes,” Gwil agrees. “Back then, anyway. I don’t know if it makes much difference, now.”

Rami looks away briefly, then shifts in his head. “I’m sorry, Gwil.”

“For what?” Gwil asks.

“Not telling you,” Rami says. “Back then. I— I saw what you and Roger went through and I never— I never told you the truth. About who I was. Am.”

“It’s alright, Rami,” Gwil says. “I was never angry with you.”

“But if you knew,” Rami continues, “I— well, I just should have told you, is all.”

“It’s alright now,” Gwil says. “It’s all worked out, hasn’t it?”

Rami’s not sure that’s true; sure, he’s happier than he’s ever been with Joe, but it hasn’t _all_ worked out. “Yes, of course,” he says. He reaches out to take another drink.

“Did he like his birthday present?” Gwil asks.

Rami nods. “He said I was the gift.”

Gwil snorts and rolls his eyes at that. “Ah, smooth-talker, that Joe, isn’t he?”

“Yes,” Rami says, “but yes, he did. He loved it.”

“Good,” Gwil says.

“Your birthday’s coming up,” Rami says. “Less than two months, now. Might be your last one here. Do you think you’ll be able to come back to London for it?” he asks.

“I could try, if you’d like,” Gwil says. “Or you could come to Germany with me. Whichever you’d like.”

“Alright,” Rami says, “I’ll ask Joe.”

Gwil smiles. “Either way, I’m sure it will be lovely.”

Rami smiles at him. It’s easy to pretend that this is just a regular dinner, that they’re just best mates catching up. He wonders what all their future dinners are going to be like, if they’ll be at ease around each other or if it will feel awkward to see each other after being apart. They’re about to be apart for longer than they have been in years. Rami thinks what it will be like if he can’t change Gwil’s mind, and they have to have a real last meal together. He’s honestly not that he’ll be able to do it. Just the idea of saying goodbye, a real final _goodbye_ to Gwil makes him want to sob. Rami sighs, and takes another sip of his drink. Not tonight, he thinks.

“I’d like that, actually,” Rami says eventually. “I never thought we’d be going to Germany. Well, in peacetime, anyway.” 

Gwil smiles. “Things have changed a lot in the last hundred years,” he says softly. “Imagine what it will be like when I get back.”

“Hmm,” Rami murmurs, looking down at his food. “I’d rather not.”

Gwil nods understandingly. Truthfully, he’d rather not as well.

\+ + + + +

Rami’s fingers nervously tap on his thighs as the train starts slowing down as it nears Kings Cross. He looks to the right, looking out the window first, and then at Gwil, sitting next to him. “This is it, then,” he says, blinking a couple times.

Gwil smiles. “Not quite, but yes, I suppose,” he says. “I have to transfer.”

“Mm,” Rami nods, starting to feel a bit nauseous. He stares at the back of the seat in front of him, and he can feel tears starting to come. He told himself he wouldn’t, that he’d be fine, but obviously that was a lie. He can’t stop it. He takes a deep breath, just trying to tell himself _it’s not forever, it’s not forever, it’s not forever_. And it’s _not_ , he knows that. He’ll see Gwil again; he’s not sure how long it will be exactly, but in a few weeks, at the latest. For Gwil’s birthday.

The train comes to its final stop in Kings Cross, and they both stand up, going to grab their bags. They both only took what they could carry for now, and Rami will go back to Perth in a bit to have more sent to Gwil and to bring more down to London with him. They get off the train and turn right, walking to the front of the station. Rami looks around, then over at Gwil. “Are you nervous?” he asks. Gwil shrugs, but Rami can tell that he is. “It’s alright,” he says. “I’m sure it will take some getting used to, but we’ve gotten used to a lot over the past few months, haven’t we?”

Gwil smiles, nodding. “We have.” He looks up, and then his smile falls a bit.

Rami frowns and looks ahead, trying to see what Gwil’s seeing. What he sees is Joe, but just Joe. No Ben. Rami’s stomach twists a bit at that. He thought, or maybe he just really hoped, that Ben would be there to say goodbye to Gwil. “I’m sorry,” he says quickly, before they get into earshot of Joe.

Gwil just shakes his head. “It’s fine,” he says. “I told you. It’s what he wants. It’s all for the best.”

Rami swallows hard. He was so sure this wasn’t what Ben wanted, but now he doesn’t know.

“Hey guys,” Joe says, waving at both of them. “How was the ride?” he asks.

“Fine,” Gwil says, nodding.

Rami just shrugs, shaking his head. 

Joe frowns and reaches out, taking Rami’s hand. “You uh, good to go, Gwil?” he asks. “That’s enough stuff for now?” he asks, looking at Gwil’s luggage.

“I think so,” Gwil says, nodding. “I can always get more there, if I need to, before the rest of my stuff comes.”

“Right, yeah, of course,” Joe says, nodding. “You gotta transfer, right?”

Gwil nods, and the three of them start walking. They exit Kings Cross onto the Square, and then turn right, crossing the road towards St. Pancras.

“How long is it?” Joe asks.

“Not long,” Gwil says. “Under three hours.”

“Great,” Joe nods. He glances to look at Rami, who’s quietly walking alongside him, looking down at the ground. “Yeah, that’s— that’s cool.”

“Have you been?” Gwil asks, glancing over.

Joe shakes his head. “No, not yet, but hey. Who knows, right? You’ll be there for a year, at least, maybe I’ll swing by.”

Gwil looks at him in surprise, then slowly smiles. “Yes, I’d— I’d quite like that,” he says.

Joe smiles back and then glances at Rami again. “You okay, babe?” he asks.

“Fine,” Rami says softly. He wants to ask where Ben is, but he doesn’t want to push it. He doesn’t want to cause a scene.

They head down the sidewalk then turn left into St. Pancras. Rami finally lifts his head, looking around. 

Gwil stops walking and turns to them, smiling. “I suppose I should go find my platform,” he says. “Don’t want to miss it.”

“Gwil,” Rami says softly.

“It’s alright, Rami,” Gwil says. “I’m just going away for a bit. I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

Rami’s eyes fill with tears and he shakes his head. “I— I don’t know, I can’t—”

“You can,” Gwil says softly. “You can do anything. You should know that by now.”

“I— I—” Rami starts to cry, hiccuping as he tries to calm himself down.

Joe squeezes Rami’s hand before letting it go, letting Gwil wrap his arms around him. 

“Just a short trip away,” Gwil says softly. “That’s all. Just on holiday. I’ll be alright. So will you. You’ve got Ben and Joe with you now, that’s all you’ll ever need.”

Rami shakes his head, clutching at him, and Gwil looks at Joe over Rami’s shoulder, sighing. 

“Rami, I’m going to go now, alright?” Gwil asks, trying to carefully step back from him.

“Come on, Rami,” Joe says, reaching out to take his hand.

Rami nods, reaching up to wipe at his face, but he still won’t take a step back from him.

“Be safe, Gwil,” Joe says, looking at him. “Uh, um, I’m sorry he’s…” he trails off. “Just—” Joe clears his throat, and both Rami and Gwil are a little surprised to realize that he’s also about to cry. “I’ll see you soon, though, yeah?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “Yes, of course,” he says. “Goodbye, Joe. Please take care of yourself. And him.”

Joe sniffles and nods quickly, but he doesn’t know if Gwil means Rami or Ben. “Yeah, of course. Uh, bye, Gwil.” He takes a shaky breath and swallows hard. “Come on, Rami,” he says softly.

“Bye,” Rami says, letting Joe start to lead him away from Gwil. “Please call me,” he says. “Please. Every day.”

Gwil nods. “Of course. If you want.”

Rami nods quickly. “I do. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Gwil says.

Rami lets out a broken cry and nods. “You can come back anytime, okay? Anytime. I love you. Please.”

Gwil sniffles and wipes at his eyes, nodding. “Bye, Rami.”

Rami finally turns around, letting Joe lead him back towards the exit.

Joe glances back at Gwil, giving him a quick nod, and then turns back to Rami, taking his bag from him, holding him close as they walk back outside.

Gwil stands there for a few moments, trying to calm himself down, taking deep breaths. He sniffles, wipes at his face until it’s mostly dry, and then he starts walking to his platform. He keeps glancing behind him, checking to see if Ben will show up. But he doesn’t.

\+ + + + +

Joe unlocks the door to Ben’s flat, leading Rami in. Rami sniffles loudly and wipes at his eyes. “It’s alright,” Joe says, setting Rami’s bag down on the floor. “Come on in,” he says.

Rami whimpers, looking around. “I…” his voice breaks a bit and he looks around. “Where’s Ben?” he asks.

“He’s at the office,” Joe says, “they needed him there today, some meeting about the new crew members. I don’t know.”

Rami’s shoulders start to shake as he continues to sob. “He should have been there,” he says softly. “He— why didn’t he come?” he asks.

“Rami, I’m sorry,” Joe says. “He— I don’t think he could.”

“I don’t _care_ ,” Rami says, “he should have been there.” He shakes his head. “For me, at least.”

Joe watches Rami for a moment, and then nods. “You’re right,” he says.

“And _you_ ,” Rami says, pushing Joe away from him. “You should have told him to stay.”

“Rami, I—” Joe starts, but Rami shakes his head.

“ _No_ ,” Rami says. “I can’t do this alone, Joe. I need him to stay, and nobody else is trying, nobody else cares. You don’t care, Ben doesn’t care.”

“That’s not—”

“ _Stop_ ,” Rami says. “Just stop. You want him to leave, you both do. You _told_ me you want him to leave.”

“That’s not what I said,” Joe says. “I told you that if he wants to go, we should let him. I don’t want him to go, Rami, of course I don’t.”

Rami shakes his head. “You do. And Ben does, and—”

“He doesn’t either, babe,” Joe says. “We don’t want this.”

“Then _stop_ him,” Rami says. 

“How?” Joe asks. “Rami, he’s an adult, he can make his own decisions, I can’t just—”

“I stayed in Perth for Gwil,” Rami says, “and he left me. You left me. Ben left me.”

“Rami,” Joe says, reaching out to him.

Rami shakes him off. “I put _everybody_ first and _nobody_ puts me first and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired of it, I just want my best friend back, I want my boyfriend back, I _hate_ this.”

“I’m sorry,” Joe says. “Babe, I’m— I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I…” Joe sighs, shaking his head. “I’m back, you have me. What—”

“Ben should have been there,” Rami says, turning away from Joe, heading towards Ben’s bedroom. “Gwil loves him. He needed to see him today.” He goes into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

Joe looks at the door, reaching up to run his hand through his hair. “Fuck me,” he mutters.

\+ + + + +

Joe looks up when the flat door opens, picking at the label on his beer bottle. Ben walks in, looking over at Joe, giving him a wave. Joe gives Ben a nod.

“What’s going on?” Ben asks. Joe shrugs. “Where’s Rami?” he asks.

Joe nods towards Ben’s bedroom. “Been in there since we got back from the station,” he says.

“Is he alright?” Ben asks.

Joe scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Nope,” he says, taking a drink.

“I’m sorry,” Ben says, walking over to the table, sitting down next to him. 

“Don’t apologize to me,” Joe says. “Apologize to Rami. He’s pissed at you.”

“Me?” Ben asks in surprise.

Joe nods. “I mean, he’s pissed at all of us, but that includes you. Wanted to know why you weren’t there.”

Ben swallows hard, shifting in his seat. “I…that would be…”

“Hard?” Joe asks. “Oh. Yeah. Imagine how Rami feels.”

Ben nods. “I—”

“Did you know we abandoned him?” Joe asks. “All three of us. I never really thought of it that way. I didn’t see it as you abandoning him; you were trying to get away from Gwil, trying to feel better. I didn’t think that I abandoned him either; I was just trying to help you. But that’s what Gwil’s done. And it’s what we did too. We all left him, and the one person Rami wouldn’t leave left him today and he feels like shit and I don’t know what to do.”

Ben looks at Joe. “What did he say?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “That he puts everybody first and nobody puts him first, and that he wants me back. He wants me back! And I— I never thought that I left. I mean, I know I left Perth, but I didn’t realize that’s how he saw it. That he needed to get me back. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“I don’t know,” Ben says softly. “I…I’m sorry that I did this.”

“Don’t,” Joe says. “Don’t. It’s— ugh, Ben, it’s not you, that’s the problem. It’s all of us. It’s me. He’s my boyfriend and I love him more than anything and I fucked it up. I’m currently fucking this up.” He sighs, and takes another long drink of beer. He shakes his head. “I have to fix this.”

“How?” Ben asks.

“I don’t know,” Joe says. “Rami wants us to ask Gwil to stay, but…I still don’t want to, honestly. Sometimes I think I forgive him and sometimes I don’t, and then I think how it will kill Rami if Gwil leaves, but then I remember everything he said to you and I don’t want him near me and then I think that I— I actually liked Gwil. He was my friend too, and I don’t know. I don’t know. But—” Joe shakes his head. “I don’t know if I should let him keep sleeping in there or if I should go get him.”

“It’s not like they’ll give up your room if you miss one night,” Ben says.

Joe sighs, nodding. “I know that,” he says. “But…we should go. You’re alright?”

Ben nods. “I’m good, yeah,” he says.

Joe sighs and pushes his chair back from the table, walking over to the bedroom door. He knocks lightly and then walks in, blinking a couple times to adjust to the darkness. “Rami?” he asks softly, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. He reaches out, gently rubbing Rami’s leg, trying to slowly wake him up. “Come on, babe, we gotta go,” he says.

Rami groans softly, and stretches out, rolling from one side to the other.

“You can go back to bed as soon as we get there,” Joe says, “but you gotta get up now.”

Rami pushes himself up, wiping at his face, looking over at Joe. “Is Ben home?” he asks. Joe nods. “I’m surprised you’re not staying with him, then.”

Joe sighs. “I deserve that,” he says.

Rami climbs off the bed, and walks over to the door, walking out into the flat. He looks over at Ben, who’s watching him with a guilty look on his face. Rami doesn’t say anything, just puts his shoes on and grabs his bag, heading out of the flat.

Joe quickly follows after him, grabbing his things, including his own bag that he had packed. “I gotta go,” he says to Ben. “I, uh, I’ll see you at work,” he says, hurrying out of the flat. 

“Bye,” Ben sighs. 

By the time Joe gets outside, Rami’s already hailed a taxi, and Joe hurries over to it, climbing in alongside him. Rami just twists away until he’s resting against the door, closing his eyes. Joe opens his mouth to speak, but he’s not sure Rami wants to hear anything he has to say right now, so Joe just shakes his head and shuts his mouth.

\+ + + + +

The taxi drops them off at the IIS, and Rami grabs his bag, heading up the stairs, ignoring Joe behind him. Joe quickly pays and thanks the driver, then hurries after him. They check in, getting their keys to their room, and head downstairs together, still silent. Joe hangs back, letting Rami unlock the door and walk in first. Rami heads straight into the bedroom and shuts the door behind him, and Joe winces.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Joe mutters to himself, starting to pace around the living area. He looks around, then sighs, shaking his head. He sets down his bag and then collapses onto the sofa, sitting forward, his head in his hands. He wants to scream and yell. He wants to chase after Gwil and punch him in the face and then beg him to stay. He wants to go back to Ben’s flat and cry. He wants to knock on the bedroom door and ask Rami if he can come in. One of those should be a _lot_ easier than the others, but they all sound equally scary. He just wants this to be fixed. He doesn’t know how to fix it. He can’t convince Gwil to stay, none of them can. If Gwil won’t stay for Rami he’s sure as hell not going to stay for _Joe_. But still, maybe…

Joe sighs and pushes himself up, walking over to the bedroom door, knocking gently. There’s no response, and he doesn’t know how to take that, so he just takes a sharp breath and then pushes the door open.

Rami doesn’t even look over from where he’s unpacking his clothes, folding them into the dresser. 

Joe watches him for a moment, then walks into the room, sitting down on the bed. “Can we talk?” he asks.

Rami pauses for a moment, and then shrugs. 

“Rami, _please_ ,” Joe says softly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay? I— I’ll talk to him,” Joe says desperately. “If that’s what you want. I will.”

Rami finally looks over at him, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I promise,” Joe says. “I— I won’t let him go.” He knows that’s not a promise he can keep, though, that’s the problem.

Rami narrows his eyes, then slowly pushes the dresser drawer closed, turning to lean against it. “Really?” he asks, hesitant.

Joe nods. “I’ll try, anyway,” he says. “I promise I’ll try. I mean, he is an adult, Rami, we can’t control him, but I don’t _want_ him to go. I don’t want him to hurt you. And _I_ don’t want to hurt you. Rami, I’m sorry I left you in Perth. I was scared that Ben was going to hurt himself, but when he told me he was okay, I should have believed him and I should have left. I should’ve come back to you, and I didn’t. And I’m sorry.” He looks down at his lap, twisting his fingers together.

Rami watches him for a moment then sighs, slowly walking over to Joe, sitting down on the bed with him. “I know we can’t control him,” he says softly. “But I can’t be the only one who tells him to stay; he won’t listen to me. He needs to know I’m not— that it’s not just me who cares. And I know _why_ you left; if you’d come back and Ben had hurt himself I never would’ve forgiven myself. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I just…I need to know that you still love me,” he says.

“I love you,” Joe says. “I love you, I swear. And I’ll—” He reaches out, taking Rami’s hand. “I promise. I’ll put you first. I’m sorry I wasn’t before. Ben’s my friend, but you’re— I love you.”

Rami looks down at their hands and then nods, squeezing him gently. “I’m not saying I don’t want you to take care of Ben, too,” he says, and Joe nods. “I just…sometimes I feel alone.” He sniffles a bit. “And it hurts.”

“I’ve never wanted you to feel that way,” Joe says. “I’m so sorry.” He sighs, trying to think of something to say, something to convince Rami that he’s here, that he’s not going anywhere. “Come home with me,” he says quickly, and Rami frowns over at him. 

“When?” Rami asks. “Now?”

Joe shakes his head. “No, at Christmas.”

“Really?” Rami asks. “But you— don’t you usually celebrate Christmas here, with Ben?” he asks.

Joe nods. “Yeah, I do. He doesn’t like going home for it, but I— I want to spend it with you. In New York. I know it’s still like, almost three months away, but will you think about it at least?” He looks at Rami hopefully. “I’d really like you to come home with me.”

Rami looks at him for a moment, and then slowly smiles. “There’s nothing to think about,” he says. “Of course I will.”

“Really?” Joe asks.

Rami nods. “Of course,” he says. “I’d love to. And I’ll— meet your family, you mean?”

“Yeah,” Joe says. “I can only talk about you so much before they start to think I’ve made you up, so. Yeah.”

Rami smiles again. “Okay.”

“Something to look forward to,” Joe says. “I know it won’t fix everything, but you’re— you’re important to me. I love you.”

“Thank you,” Rami says. 

Joe nods. “I can’t wait,” he says. Rami shifts next to him, resting against Joe’s shoulder. Joe sighs softly, watching him. He’s so beautiful, Joe thinks. He loves him. And he doesn’t want to mess this up.

\+ + + + +

The train pulls into the station in Cologne, and Gwil’s stomach twists. He feels nauseous. He wonders what would happen if he just stayed on the train, if he just refused to get off and went back the way he came. He looks out the window for a bit, watching as other passengers disembark, but eventually, when he’s one of the last people left in the car, he shakily stands up, going to grab his bag. He wonders if it’s too late. He knows obviously, on some level, that it’s not. It’s not too late until the Mercury actually leaves, and that’s not for awhile yet. But on the other hand, he feels like it is. Like he’d just look like a fool for showing back up in London. Nowhere to stay, no plans for the future, and no friends left, if he had to guess.

Gwil carefully walks off the train, and looks around. He was told there’d have someone here to meet him, but he has no way of knowing who. He starts to feel nervous, anxious, really. He’s in a brand-new country, where he knows no one. Has no idea where to go, or what would happen if the person he’s supposed to meet just never shows. Gwil glances back at the train and his footsteps stutter a bit as he considers going back to it. He could go back, he thinks, he _could_ , but then— no, they don’t want you to, this is for the best, just _stay_ and stop being a child, you’ll get used to it. You got used to Perth, he thinks, you can get used to Cologne.

He stands there and looks around a bit, until someone catches his eye. A pretty woman, probably just a bit younger than him, with a bright smile and brown eyes. She waves and then starts walking over to him. Gwil takes a deep shaky breath, wondering what she would think of him if the first thing he said was that he wants to go home. God, he’s so pathetic, he thinks, he hates himself, he hates all of this. He’s homesick in a way he’s never been homesick before, and he’s only been gone a couple hours.

“Hi, Gwilym Lee?” the woman asks, looking up at him, and Gwil nods, offering her his hand. “Welcome to Cologne,” she says.

“Thank you,” Gwil says softly.

“Are you excited?” she asks.

Gwil takes a deep breath and looks around, then shrugs, trying to plaster a fake smile on his face. “Yeah, it’s brilliant, thank you.” He clears his throat and looks down, following her out of the train station. He’s only been here a few minutes, and he thinks he hates himself even more than before.

\+ + + + +

Ben sways a bit as he drops down heavily onto his bed, groaning. He knows he’s going to have a shit sleep tonight, but that was always going to be the case, so why not be pissed for it. He wipes at his eyes, and then tugs at his shirt. He usually likes to sleep with a shirt on, he likes to always have a shirt on, if he can, but he’s so _warm_ right now. He tosses it to the floor and then drops down, curling onto his side. He groans again, tugging at the blankets. He wiggles back and forth, trying to get under the blankets without actually getting back up. He sighs, giving up, staring up at the ceiling. He swallows a couple times, thinking that he can still taste the burning of the vodka as his eyelids grow heavy. He sniffles, reaching up to wipe at his face.

He’s just about to fall asleep, or pass out, he’s not sure, when his eyes widen a bit and his hand shoots out to grab his phone. He opens it, going to his messages, scrolling down until he sees the last time he messaged Gwil. It was a long time ago now. He opens it, then scrolls back through all their messages. The phone is so bright, he has to squint, because he doesn't think to turn the brightness down at all. He brings his thumb up to his mouth. He wonders where Gwil is right now. Ben’s been to Cologne a couple times for work; he lied when he told Gwil he thought it was lovely. He doesn’t know why he said that. He doesn’t know why he didn’t ask him to stay. 

Ben sighs, curling as far in on himself as he can. His thumb hovers over the keyboard, and he imagines what he could type. He could ask Gwil how he’s settled in, if the flat they’ve put him in is nice. He could say _anything_ , anything at all, and just hope that Gwil replies. Ben reaches up, scratching at the back of his head, and starts typing. It’s awkward, and he’s just dizzy enough that he’s making a lot of typos as his thumb fumbles over the letters. He blinks a couple times, and is about to hit send when—

He just cries out and deletes the whole message, tossing his phone onto the floor. He rolls onto his stomach, burying his face in his pillow. He yells into it, the sound mostly muffled, but it still makes his throat feel raw. Gwil wants to go, he thinks, that’s what he said. Gwil’s in Cologne because he _wants_ to be there. He doesn’t want Ben to text him and beg him to stay. He probably just wants to be left alone.

They fucked up, Ben thinks. Both of them. They fucked it all up. And now Ben has no idea when, or even if, he’ll ever see him again. And now he’s fucked up things with Rami too. Again. 

Ben grabs at his blankets until he’s buried under them. He snuggles into his pillow and wraps his arms around a second one. He’s just so fucking tired, and he’s so alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • yeah so, I actually sent Gwil to Germany. whoops!  
> • also Rami has literally had it UP TO GODDAMN HERE WITH THIS.  
> • also I know it was kind of sad circumstances but Gwil and Rami's sex talk is kind of my favourite thing ever.  
> • besides Tiger Lily the cat (who is mentioned in chapter one, I didn't make her up!)  
> • please scream at all of them: "talk, talk taLK TALK TALK TALK!" maybe they'll listen.  
> • assuming nobody will drop out with four chapters left, but also please don't hate me! happy ending coming, right?


	36. Chapter 36

It doesn’t take long for Gwil to realize that either Ben was lying to him, or he was just teasing him, because Gwil doesn’t think Cologne is lovely, or beautiful, and he knows Ben was wrong: he doesn’t love it. Other than the Cathedral, which he could see as soon as he got off the train. He practically lives in its shadow. _That_ he likes. There’s just something so impressive about it, even besides the obvious. Gwil like that it’s just always been there. It’s still standing. It was there when he left, it’s there now, and it’ll be there when he comes back. It survived everything. But other than that…he’s not sure. He can’t quite put his finger on it, but this city, there’s just something about it. He doesn’t think it’s the people, because he doesn’t really interact with enough of them to notice. He just knows that he wouldn’t want to live here. He _doesn’t_ want to live here. He doesn’t think it could ever be his home. Which is convenient, he thinks, because he won’t be here forever. He just wishes he was spending this last year somewhere…that made him happy. Somewhere that really was lovely or beautiful.

In addition to being so close to the Cathedral, the flat the IIS found for Gwil in Cologne is also near the office, practically right on the Rhine. He doesn’t really love the flat either. It’s smaller than his flat in Perth was, and feels more like a dormitory than an actual home. The bed isn’t great, clearly not built for someone Gwil’s height, and he only has a shower, instead of a bath. He can’t even bring himself to decorate it, being there makes him feel so…foggy. Like he turns grey as soon as he steps inside. But it’s only about a five minute walk to work, which is convenient at least. 

Gwil almost can’t believe how the time is passing here. Some days, he gets home and goes to bed and it feels like he’d spent a year at the office. Other times, he feels like he just rolled out of bed five minutes ago. It reminds him so much of when he left the first time; he and Roger couldn’t control time or make it slow down. At one moment, Gwil had months, then weeks to go before the Mercury left. Then they woke up, and it was April. The worst part is that there’s still no set date for the departure of the Mercury II. Gwil knows he has some time, still a year, at least, but does that mean that next month will be his last birthday to celebrate with Rami, or not? What about Christmas; will that be his last here as well, or will he have one more? Two?

What about Ben’s birthday in January?

Despite not enjoying it, and despite all his worrying about time, he’s still managed to get into a pretty good routine since moving to Cologne. He feels like he has to; he can’t control time or how quickly it passes but if nothing else he can control his schedule and what he does with it. He gets up early in the morning, gets dressed into his running gear, and heads out on the Hohenzollern Bridge. He crosses the river, heading towards Lanxess Arena. He turns around there and runs back, getting back to the flat with enough time to shower, eat, and get ready for work. In the evenings, he comes back, makes a simple supper, and settles in to read, sometimes watch television, or call Rami. He tries to go to bed at a decent time every night, but sometimes he can’t put the book down. Sometimes he can’t get Rami off the phone. And sometimes, even when he does go to bed on time, he still can’t get to sleep.

Even though Gwil’s now been in Germany for almost four weeks (and again, at times Gwil feels like he just stepped off the train yesterday, and sometimes it feels like he’s been there for months), there’s still not a complete crew ready for training. They were hoping to have another group of twenty, but so far, there’s only nine. Besides Gwil, there’s no other original Mercury crew member on board, but Gwil knows that Hartstone is still trying to convince them. Rami’s told Gwil that she’s long since given up on getting him to join, but she was pretty persistent there for awhile.

The people selected have all already completed basic training and advanced training, phases that can each take over a year. The training that Gwil received in those areas in the 1930s is fairly out-of-date compared to the training current IIS employees have received, so he’s been completing increment-specific training with the other eight, geared towards this specific mission, while also catching up on the new in-depth systems operations, robotic operations, enhanced science training, and learning the new applicable laws and policies and procedures. That makes Gwil smile at least, because he can imagine Ben in his office working on them. He’s also supposed to be trying to learn at least one other language. Gwil had hoped he could get away with just his okay Welsh, but apparently that wasn’t good enough for the IIS, so he’s been trying and failing to pick up German, with an hour lesson a day. Gwil can’t help but think that Rami would be much better suited to this, considering he can already speak Arabic.

The ship itself, the Mercury II, is docked further outside Cologne, in Wahner Heide. The crew are taken out there one or two days a week for training, but for the most part, they just study in the office in the city centre.

It strikes Gwil just how similar all of it is to the process he and Rami went through over a hundred years ago. Yes, Cologne is a _lot_ bigger than Perth, and everything about the IIS is bigger than the BIS was, but it’s clear that the IIS is just adapting the things they did in the 1930s for today. Which on one hand worries him, because he's still not sure why they're doing this, so he doesn't know if they're really prepared or not. On the other hand, it's fine by Gwil, because it helps him feel more comfortable with his place there, like he doesn’t stick out as much. Because he _does_ stick out. Everybody knows who he is, and they don’t even try to hide it. The first day of training, Gwil had walked into the boardroom and everybody in there stopped talking. _That_ was brilliant. He doesn’t know which is worse: people coming up to him to tell him that the Mercury’s sacrifice was their inspiration for wanting to join the IIS, or people just ignoring him.

Gwil knows Ben has his reasons, but he thinks he finally understands why he doesn’t seem to like very many people. Even though it hasn’t even been a month yet, Gwil knows he’s not making any friends on this crew. There’s no Rami here; of course, he knew there never would be. 

He speaks to Rami regularly. They text every day, and they speak on the phone probably five times a week. What’s surprising is the number of times that Joe’s tried reaching out to him, which Gwil never expected. At first it was just Joe checking in, asking how he’s adjusting, asking him the names of the other crew members. Joe knows a couple of them, apparently. It’s turned into Joe occasionally asking him if he’s sure about this; Gwil doesn’t ever really answer those questions. He assumes that it’s something Rami has put him up to, but even still, he smiles a bit when he sees a notification from Joe on his phone. It helps him pretend that everything is back to normal, at least a little bit.

He doesn’t hear at all from Ben. 

Rami hasn’t made it to Cologne yet, though, and Gwil hasn’t made it back to London. Rami’s talking about Gwil’s birthday, now less than four weeks away. He wants Gwil to come back, and spend it with him, Joe, and Ben. Whenever he brings it up, Gwil sort of casually agrees, without making any definitive plans. Yes, of course he’ll go back to London if Rami wants him to, but he can’t imagine that Joe or Ben really want to celebrate his birthday with him. If he had to guess, that would be the last place either of them have any interest in being. Ben, certainly. Particularly after he failed to show up at the train station. Gwil knows he had no right to expect that Ben would be there; he knows that just because he apologized to Ben, Ben doesn’t have to forgive him. That’s not how it works and that’s not why he did it. And really, it’s probably for the best that Ben doesn’t forgive him. But that doesn’t mean that Gwil didn’t hope that Ben would show anyway. Or that he’d message him in the following days to wish him luck in Cologne. But he didn’t. Nor did Rami ever give him an explanation (again, not that Gwil thought he was _owed_ one, but he’d hoped for one) for why Ben wasn’t there. But Gwil knows why. Ben’s not going to try to convince him to stay because Ben wants to see him go.

And fuck, it hurts. He knows it’s what he deserves. Every once in awhile, when he can’t focus or when he’s drifting off to sleep, Gwil can only think of the look on Ben’s face as Gwil called him selfish and told him it was no surprise Ben’s family wants nothing to do with him. When he told Ben that he loved Roger, not him. _God_ how Gwil wishes he could go back. Even to just the split second before he opened his mouth and said those things. If he could’ve just stopped himself, and calmed down. 

Gwil’s doctor, the new one that he’s been seeing twice a week in Cologne, talks to him about how his focusing on the past is a symptom of his depression. He’s been trying to get Gwil to focus on the now, and being present and mindful. At first, Gwil thought he was talking a lot of rubbish. Why would he want to think about the _now_? The now is terrible. The future seems even worse. It might not be helpful in the long run, but in the moment, it certainly helps Gwil to imagine that when Ben first said he was sorry, that instead of stepping towards Ben, he stepped back. He imagines himself taking the letters and going out on the balcony, or to his bedroom, closing the door and just letting himself be alone with them. He would read them all, and when he was done, he would come back out. He’d give them to Rami to read. He imagines that Ben would have gone home by then, so he pictures himself walking to his flat, calling Ben and asking him to come down. Ben would apologize again, profusely, and Gwil would tell him it’s alright. That he’d read them and understood why Ben thought it’d be difficult for Gwil to read them, because it _was_ difficult for him to read them. Gwil would say that he was upset, Ben would agree, yes, of course he was.

He pictures telling Ben again how sorry he was for hurting him, for lying to him about Roger’s birthday, and then if Ben said that he forgave him, and that dinner was lovely, Gwil would ask if he could kiss him. And they’d kiss, and Ben would smile, and Gwil would smile, and tell him that he’s beautiful, and Ben wouldn’t argue or flinch away, and then. 

Well. What happens next in his imagination depends on Gwil’s mood. How much heartbreak he can take.

Sometimes he imagines that that’s it, they say goodbye for the night and Ben goes back into his flat and Gwil walks back home to his, and he talks about the letters with Rami, and it takes a couple of days but then things slowly go back to normal between them all. Ben and Joe come over for dinner again and then at some point in the evening, maybe while they’re sitting on the sofa together, watching another one of Joe’s films, Gwil reaches out to take Ben’s hand, and Ben smiles over at him.

Sometimes he imagines that after he tells Ben he’s beautiful, and Ben’s alright with it, Gwil finally tells him, out loud, that he loves him. That he’s loved him for weeks now, months, really, and that he’s sorry he didn’t say it when they were together, but he loves him and wants to be with him. And Ben would say yes, of course, he loves him too, and maybe he’d ask if Gwil was sure, and ‘ _what about Roger?_ ’ and Gwil would say yes, and he misses Roger, but— and they’d kiss, and they’d kiss, and they’d kiss until Ben leads Gwil back up to his flat and then—

Gwil’s not entirely sure where he imagines Joe is at this point, but he’s sure as hell not there.

So. Maybe Gwil’s doctor is right. Maybe none of that is helpful. It certainly hurts when Gwil blinks or wakes and realizes that none of it is real, he’s just been lost in his thoughts again and in reality he’d used words to destroy someone, making Ben cry and making him believe they were true. But in the moment, when he’s lost in those thoughts, it’s wonderful.

Mindfulness, Gwil scoffs. Where’s that ever going to get him. His doctor says it will make him feel less depressed, less anxious, and help him better respond to relationship stress. Who cares, he thinks. He’s not going to be in any relationship any time soon. He made sure of that. But still, he also takes anger management classes, because Rami carefully suggested it to him a few days after Gwil moved to Cologne; he fills out an anger reader every day, where he writes down how he’s feeling, and how angry he is on a scale of one to ten. His doctor tries to get him to focus on the difference between anger and aggression, because his doctor assures him that nobody blames Gwil for being angry, only for how he acted on it.

Sometimes Gwil still feels embarrassed that he has to see a doctor at all. He knows there’s no reason to be, not really. He’s sick, and he needs the help. It’s certainly different now than it used to be. All Gwil can think sometimes is about Freud and how if he’d had all these issues a hundred years ago his doctor would probably just ask him if he was jealous of his father and if he wanted to shag his mam. So, at least he doesn’t have to deal with that. And it is helping, he thinks. He does really think so. But well, even if it’s not, it makes Rami feel better, to know that Gwil’s going, so Gwil appreciates that. Rami always asks what his doctor’s said and how the anger reader is going, if he’s following his goals sheet.

Sometimes Gwil thinks that maybe Rami should give up engineering and become a doctor. He certainly has the brain for it, and the personality. He mentioned to Rami once and he just sort of laughed it off and said that he likes being an engineer, and besides, he was too old to making changes like that. Gwil tried to tell him they’re not old, not really; the average life expectancy is almost twenty-five years older than it was before. They won’t be dying anytime soon.

Gwil wonders how long Rami will live, after he’s gone. How many years Rami will miss him for. He hopes that Rami lives a long, happy life, and doesn’t worry too much about him. He hopes that Rami and Joe will have a family to distract them, and Rami won’t have time to worry about Gwil because he’ll be too busy running around after a child or two.

After he’d found out that men could get married, Gwil had also read that men could adopt. Although, Gwil knows that they could always find someone to carry a baby for them as well. Rami used to love being around Gwil’s nieces and nephews whenever he took him to visit his family. And Joe loves children as well; he’s shown Gwil photos of his family on his phone. They’ll make good fathers, Gwil thinks. He looks forward to maybe meeting their children someday, if he’s lucky.

Gwil misses Rami desperately. That doesn’t change, and Gwil honestly doesn’t think it will. But when he thinks of Rami and Joe together in London, Gwil still thinks he made the right decision. He was in their way. He was in the way of everything. He’d hurt them all so much. Yes, Rami misses him now. And maybe Joe and Ben do too (but probably not). But they’ll get over it. They’ll forget about him soon enough. Gwil knows they will, and he knows it’s better this way. He still doesn’t know how to convince Rami that’s true, so he’s just stopped trying, and says ' _‘trust me, it’ll be alright._ ' Rami will see, in time.

As much as he doesn’t like Cologne, at least he know he won’t be here for much longer than a year. Then another year after that, he can go home and just start over.

He hasn’t decided yet, between Perth or Wales. They both remind him of Roger, and they also both remind him of Ben. He supposes he’ll just have to wait and see what they’re like when he gets back.

\+ + + + +

Ben shifts a bit uncomfortably in his seat, glancing down at the table between them, the back of the clock that’s turned towards his doctor. He takes off his watch when he goes into his appointments; his doctor’s told him to let her worry about the time, Ben should just focus on talking. He hates it, honestly. Well, no, not entirely. He always feel better afterward, like a weight’s been lifted and he can breathe just a bit easier, but beforehand, and during, he feels like he’s just wasting her time. Like he’s just a bother; she must have better things to do than listen to him. There are people out there who are actually sick, who need real help. Who’ve gone through worse things than he did.

She tells him it’s not a competition, and she helps those people too, but when Ben’s with her, in his appointment, she’s there to help him, and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

He still has trouble getting started, though. He never knows what to say, especially when he doesn’t think that the last few days have been particularly bad. He’s fine, really. So that’s what he says, when she asks.

“How are you sleeping?” she asks.

“The usual,” Ben says. “I don’t know, seven…work is a bit busier right now, but yeah. Seven hours.”

“So better than you were,” she says, “when you told me that you had trouble sleeping alone.”

“That was in Perth,” Ben says. “It’s not like that here. I sleep fine here.”

“Why isn’t it like that here?”

Ben sighs, and drums his fingers a couple times against the arm of his chair. He feels embarrassed again. “Uh, because I— I only ever slept alone here. Well, besides Joe, but he doesn’t count. I mean, Gwil and I didn’t sleep together here. So, I don’t…miss him.”

“At all, or just when you’re in bed?”

Ben tries to keep his eyes from widening at that. He’s sure she didn’t mean that the way it sounds. “I do miss him,” he says. “It just— I can sleep alone. It’s fine.”

“Have you told him that you miss him?” 

Ben shakes his head. “We haven’t spoken since he moved.”

“Why is that?”

Ben snorts. “That’s…a loaded question, I think.” He bites down on his lip then sighs. “Uh, lots of reasons. He told me he wanted to go, so I don’t want to be a bother and tell him I miss him; that’s not going to help. He— well, I get worried, about speaking to him. I’m not sure if he forgives me yet.”

“Is forgiveness important to you?”

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know really.”

“Do you forgive your previous boyfriend?”

Ben thinks about correcting her, because Paul wasn’t his previous boyfriend, he was his _only_ boyfriend, but he doesn’t. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because he hurt me and he doesn’t deserve it.” He swallows hard, looking over at her. “Sorry, I know it’s— you’re supposed to forgive people, be the bigger person.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t think so. Forgiveness can be a struggle for some people, particularly trauma patients.”

Ben looks away at that; he hates the idea that he’s been through some sort of _trauma_. Christ, nobody died.

“Forgiveness isn’t necessary to moving on, and I would never want you to feel pushed into forgiving someone who harmed you like that. But, if you think forgiveness is important to you personally, we can talk about that. Do you forgive Gwilym?”

Ben thinks on that. “I…want to, I think," he says. "But I’m not sure, honestly."

“Why not?”

Ben shrugs, raising his thumb to his mouth. “I’m worried forgiving him means that I think what he said was alright. I— it’s just a bit stereotypical, isn’t it? Let someone talk shit about you just because you love them. Makes me seem a bit daft.”

“I don’t think so at all. You’ve mentioned that you hurt one of your friends, Rami, wasn’t it? Didn’t he say he forgave you?”

“Yes,” Ben says softly. He’s not sure about that anymore, though.

“What do you think his forgiveness meant? That he was okay with you hurting him?”

Ben sighs heavily. “No,” he says, shaking his head, “just that…maybe he was ready to move on. And that he didn’t want us to focus on it anymore.”

“Do you want to be able to move on in your relationship with Gwilym?”

“I don’t know,” Ben says.

“You don’t know because you’re unsure of the answer, or you think there’s a right answer? Talk me through your 'I don’t know.'”

“I love him,” Ben says.

“So, do you want to pursue that?”

Ben snorts. “He lives in Germany, and in a year he’s going to space and I’ll never see him again.”

“Is that a no?” she asks.

Ben looks over at her, sure he's got a look of disbelief on his face. “It’s a, I don’t want to waste my time on someone who doesn’t want me back. Again. Like I said, he said he wants to go. And he told me he didn’t love me. So.”

“But you could still move forward with that, there's a conversation there. Do you want to talk to him about this?”

“Why?” Ben asks.

“Because you told me that you regret that your relationship moved too quickly,” she says, and Ben shifts in his seat. “You told me the two of you never actually spoke about how you felt about each other. What if he does leave, and you never see him again, and you regret not telling him how you feel now.” Ben sighs. “Do you think he wants to know?”

“I don’t know,” Ben says softly. The truth is that no, he thinks Gwil probably doesn’t want to know, but he can’t admit that out loud.

“I’d like you to make a list,” she says, and Ben looks over at her. “Pros and cons, of having this conversation with Gwilym before he leaves. But just keep in mind, this is for you, not for him. So, try to make your list in terms of how it could hurt or help you. Alright? Then we can talk about how it might hurt or help him later.”

Ben tries not to roll his eyes, so he just nods. “Yeah, I can do that,” he says. Why not; add it to the list of everything else he has to do that he doesn’t want to.

\+ + + + +

Rami sighs, shifting on the sofa. Joe’s upstairs at work, so Rami is down in crew quarters. They ate breakfast together, and then Rami went back to their room. Over the weeks, he’s gotten used to living in crew quarters. It’s sort of odd to actually be living with Joe, like, they share a room. A bed. They’re together almost all the time. He likes it, but he thinks that maybe Gwil was right about the awkwardness of living with your boyfriend at work. He’s maybe not as…open as he would be if they lived in their own flat. And though they have been looking at flats, they can’t agree on what they want. And Rami’s mostly distracted. He has no idea how it happened but it’s like he blinked and Gwil’s been gone for almost a month, and Rami still has no idea how he’s supposed to convince him to stay. He has no plans whatsoever. He can’t just keep telling him to stay, over and over, asking him to come back, because clearly that’s not working. However Gwil is justifying this to himself, he clearly thinks it’s for the best and isn’t listening to reason. Rami’s not sure what is going to convince Gwil to stay at this point, and the idea that Gwil is _actually_ going to leave is sounding more like a real possibility every day.

He’s curled up, reading over Sami's journal again. He probably has it memorized at this point, but every so often, when he’s feeling down and lonely, he likes to pick it back up again and go through it. He’s been reading it a lot more often lately. He runs his fingers over the black ink, smiling at Sami’s familiar handwriting. He just misses him so much. He’d give anything for Joe to meet Sami; Sami would tease the hell out of Rami and how much they love each other, but he’d like him. Rami knows that he would. It makes the idea of being with Joe bittersweet, because he knows that the two people he loves the most in the world will never get to know each other.

Rami glances briefly at the clock, and then flips to the next page. He finishes reading through it; he always feel sort of calm afterward, like Sami’s there with him, but also like there’s an ache in his chest, an empty space where his brother should be. He pushes himself up and walks into his bedroom ( _their_ bedroom, he thinks, he’s sharing a bedroom with someone now) and opens the small drawer in their bedside table, sliding the journal back in. He reaches out, picking up the folder he got to hold his letters, the ones from Roger that Gwil gave to him. He sighs, sitting down on the edge of his bed, opening the folder. He reads over the first one and pushes himself up towards the headboard, resting against the pillows as he reads over the others. He’s not sure if he’ll ever get over what happened to them, honestly. He is happy here, he is. He loves Joe and Ben and Nelly. He much prefers the culture and technology of the 21st century over the world they came from. This is a better place for him. And it’s not even so much the fact that he’ll never see Roger or Sami or Yasmine or his mother again. It’s that they lived their lives, years, decades, assuming that Gwil and Rami were dead. Or having no idea what happened to them. Just daily devastation, getting up and hoping that they would come home and being disappointed every night. What a horrifying life that must have been.

And it’s going to be his life soon unless he can think of a way to convince Gwil to stay. 

He reads one of the letters, where Roger talks about Felix, and Rami smiles. Picturing Roger with a little boy on his hip, it’s sweet. He never really thought that Roger would have children, but he’s happy that he did. 

Rami looks at the date on the letter, doing the math. If Felix were alive today, he’d be in his early nineties. Old, Rami thinks. But not impossible. People live to that age every day, even in Rami’s time, and it’s more likely now. 

Rami quickly puts the letters away and then grabs his shoes, tugging them on, and finds his key before he leaves crew quarters, going upstairs. He mostly keeps his head down; he knows that people know he’s around, he eats in meal hall, so he’s not _hiding_ , but he's trying to cut down on the number of people talking about how an old Mercury crew member is shagging Officer Mazzello.

He goes to Ben’s office, ducking his head in. It’s empty, and Rami frowns. But if Joe’s not in Ben’s office, and if he’s not in meal hall (and he thinks it’s too early even for Joe to be eating lunch), he’s usually on the next floor up. He takes the stairs up another flight and heads towards the back, past a bunch of offices, to where Joe usually is. He knocks lightly on the door, pushing it open. “Joe?” he calls softly, peeking his head in. He sighs when there’s no response, but then he rolls his eyes, realizing that Joe _is_ in there, he’s just got his earphones in and can’t hear him. He smiles, walking up behind him. He wraps his arms around Joe and kisses his neck, laughing a bit when Joe jumps.

“Jesus,” Joe says, tugging out an earphone, “I thought I was going to have to tell some poor, horny intern that I am _very_ much already taken.” He turns in Rami’s arms, looking up at him. “What’s up?” he asks.

Rami tugs out the chair next to him, dropping down beside him. “I need a favour,” he says.

“Anything,” Joe says quickly.

Rami grins. “You don’t even know what it is,” he says.

Joe shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. What is it?”

Rami takes a deep breath, shifting in his seat. “Can you help me find Felix Taylor?” he asks.

Joe frowns. “Uh, okay. Maybe not anything, then. What, you mean like…Roger’s Felix Taylor? His son?”

Rami nods. “I know that the odds are that he’s dead, he’d be quite old, but…maybe not,” he says. “I want to find him.”

“And talk to him?” Joe asks. Rami nods. “About…Roger?” he asks, a bit unsure.

Rami nods. “And about Gwil. _With_ Gwil."

“Oh,” Joe says. “So this isn’t…this is about making him stay. How?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” Rami says. “Really, I don’t. I just…” He trails off, shrugging. “Can you help me?”

“Of course I can, babe,” Joe says, reaching out to take his hand. “If you want me to, of course.” He smiles at him. “I like seeing you during the day,” he says softly. “It’s a nice surprise.” He gives Rami a quick kiss on the cheek and turns back to his computer. “You want me to do it now?” he asks.

Rami nods. “If you can. I know you’re busy, but…”

“Okay,” Joe says. “If you wanna head back downstairs, I can come get you, or—” He glances over at Rami, who’s pulling his chair a bit closer, leaning against his side. “Or you can just stay right here and we can look together?” he says, smiling.

“Okay,” Rami says, nodding.

“Alright then,” Joe says, exiting out of the project he was working on, and opening up his browser.

\+ + + + +

Ben stares at his laptop, tapping his fingers on the keyboard a couple times as he hums absentmindedly to himself. God, this material is dry, he thinks. And he’s got to prepare a presentation on it, a refresher for all the IIS higher-ups who can’t bothered to read it on their own.

Joe walks over to him with his lunch tray and carefully sits down across from him. “You shouldn’t be bringing your work to lunch, Ben,” he says, handing Ben the drink and sandwich that he’d got for him. “This is your you time, remember?”

“Cheers,” Ben says softly, picking up the drink. “And uh right, sorry.”

Joe looks at him expectantly, and then raises his eyebrows. He slowly reaches over and pushes the top of Ben’s laptop down. “Ben,” he says, gentle but stern, and Ben sighs, reaching up to close it the rest of the way. 

“Alright, I’m sorry,” Ben says again. “Where’s Rami?” he asks.

“He’s not hungry,” Joe says. “But also, no need to apologize, you know, it’s okay.”

Ben sighs, nodding slowly as he unwraps his sandwich, taking a bite. Joe’s back to walking on eggshells around Ben, like he was when they first met and Ben had explained everything to him, about his family and Paul. On one hand, he appreciates it, because sometimes Ben does feel like he’s on the edge of something, about to snap like a rubber band if someone even looks at him wrong. But on the other hand, it’s endlessly frustrating. He’s not a child, and he doesn’t need to be treated like one. He knows Joe only does it because he cares, he’s _trying_ to help. Ben’s just not sure if it actually is or not. It’s not going to bring Gwil back, at any rate. But he also knows that it’s partially because Joe feels guilty for having moved into crew quarters with Rami, which is ridiculous. Very little has changed; they still see each other every day, Ben’s just back to sleeping alone, thank god. He hasn’t told Joe to knock it off yet though, even though he wants to.

Joe was the one who convinced him to start seeing his doctor, though, which Ben appreciates. He knew that he needed to; it was long overdue, but Joe gave him the final push. Since he could never be honest with his old doctor, for fear of seeming dumb or weak, he’s never really talked through all of his issues with anyone except Joe, and even Joe doesn’t know everything, and either way, Joe’s not a doctor.

“How was your morning?” Joe asks.

Ben looks up at him. He’s trying to work on his honesty; he knows they don’t really have a problem lying to each other, not exactly, but Joe knows that when Ben was with Paul, he had gotten used to casually lying. About what Paul was doing to him and also what Ben was doing, if Paul ever asked, because he was scared of upsetting him. It’s just a habit that Ben doesn’t want to slip back into with all the stress he’s under. And obviously, there has been some issues with the truth lately, between them all. But he doesn’t want to bring Joe down, or give him another reason to worry about him. But honestly, Ben’s morning was…not great. He’s working on his presentation but he’s also working on the policies and procedures that Hartstone and his supervisor have asked him to, and he’s feeling guilty again. About playing a part in sending those people, _Gwil_ , away. Despite what Rami said about Ben being the most qualified to help these people, he feels like he’s ruining their lives, not helping them.

“I don’t know,” he says softly, and Joe frowns.

“You okay?” Joe asks.

Ben shrugs. “I’m not sure,” he says. “I…I’m not sure I'm really enjoying what I’m doing anymore.”

Joe sits back in his seat a bit, watching Ben. “I’m…sorry to hear that, buddy.”

“Yeah,” Ben says, nodding.

“I know how much you wanted to get back to work here,” Joe continues. “How much it used to help.”

Ben nods again. “Yeah. I just. After what Rami said…” He trails off. The relationship between him and Rami has gone back to being strained, just a bit. There’s nothing really happening between them, they’re not fighting or telling each other off, but in the weeks since Gwil left, things have just been a bit off. Ben knows that Rami’s angry with him for not coming to say goodbye to Gwil at the train station, that Rami partially blames Ben for Gwil leaving. He thought about going, of course he did, but he couldn’t just stand there and watch Gwil leave. He’d end up begging him to stay and then he’d just be embarrassed when Gwil left anyway. But after seeing how much Gwil’s leaving upset Rami, knowing that he feels abandoned, Ben feels even guiltier for playing a role in helping the IIS send Gwil away. He thinks there must be other people like Rami, people who are begging their loved ones to stay and watching them leave anyway. Ben doesn’t want to be a part of this, knowing that he’s hurting people. “Well, it’s just different now,” Ben finishes.

“Okay,” Joe says, nodding. “Well, you know, I’m here for you. Always. And if you want to talk about quitting, we can talk about that.”

Ben swallows hard. He’s not sure he’s talking about _quitting_ , but maybe he is. “I don’t know,” he says. “But thank you.”

“Okay,” Joe says again.

“What about you?” Ben asks.

Joe shrugs. “I booked mine and Rami’s plane tickets for Christmas.”

Ben smiles faintly at that. He is happy that Joe’s taking Rami home; he doesn’t think Joe’s ever taken anyone home for Christmas, and he thinks it’s sweet. He’s also relieved that Joe is doing something for Rami, without Ben. Even though Ben knows that he’ll miss him and their little traditions, he’d rather Joe be with Rami in New York. “Good,” he says. “That will be lovely.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks, then he nods. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m excited. Have you…thought about what you’re doing for it yet? I mean, I know it’s still like two months away, but I’m sure you could call your parents if you wanted.”

Ben frowns at that. Christmas will be a year since he’s talked to his parents at all, and that’s just…too odd, when he thinks about it. He hasn’t told them that he’s back in London. Of course, he never told them when he moved to Perth in the first place, so what’s the point in telling them he came back. “No,” he says. “I…I’ll be fine on my own then, don’t worry. They won’t…I don’t. Well, I don’t want to, really.” He sighs, shaking his head a bit, reaching up to push his fingers through his hair.

“Okay,” Joe says. He takes another drink, and then eats a french fry, chewing slowly. “And uh,” he sighs, shifting in his seat, “I was helping Rami with something. Just a favour he needed.”

“What kind of a favour?” Ben asks, though he’s not sure if it’s something he should know.

Joe looks at him for a moment, clearly trying to decide how much to say. “He wants me to find…someone, for him.”

“Someone like who?” Ben asks.

“Someone like Roger’s son,” Joe says quietly.

Ben just stares at Joe in disbelief. He has no idea what to say. “Oh,” is what he finally comes up with. “Oh, I…see. And…did you?” he asks.

“I think so,” Joe says, tapping his fingertip on his tray. 

“Oh,” Ben says. He shifts back in his seat. “I…okay. For— Gwil?” he asks. “Or for Rami? I don’t—”

“Sort of for both,” Joe says. “I don’t know. I really don’t. Rami thinks, maybe, I don’t know. That it’ll convince Gwil to stay. I don’t think Gwil will agree to meet him in the first place; I mean, not having met anyone is part of why Gwil thinks it’s easy for him to go now, he’s not tied to here or whatever, no one will miss him.”

Ben frowns. “What do you mean, no one will miss him?” he asks.

Joe quickly looks over at him, then back at his food. “That’s just what Gwil told Rami, is all.”

“Well, I mean, he knows that Rami will miss him,” Ben says. “Right?” he asks.

Joe nods. “He does,” he says. “But even…well, you know, he thinks that we won’t.”

Ben swallows hard, starting to feel a bit shaky. “Has no— did you tell him you’d miss him?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “Not really, no,” he says. “I’ve been talking to him a bit, I guess. I’ve asked him if he’s sure about this.”

“What does he say?” Ben asks.

“Nothing,” Joe says. “He never really answers those texts.”

Ben sighs. “You could have told me,” he says softly. So much for working on their honesty.

“I wasn’t hiding them,” Joe says. “I…thought you knew, I’m sorry. I— yes, I’ve been texting Gwil. I told Rami I was going to try to convince Gwil to stay. So far, you can see how great it’s going.”

Ben feels a twinge in his stomach. Guilt. Rami’s begging Gwil to stay. Now even Joe’s asking him. But Ben hasn’t said a single word to Gwil since he left, since he saw him in London. He didn’t even say goodbye when Gwil left his flat that day. He’s the only one who isn’t trying to convince Gwil to stay. No wonder Gwil wants to leave. And no wonder Rami’s angry with him. Even if Ben can’t bring himself to talk to Gwil, he shouldn’t be hurting Rami in the process.

“Where is Rami?” he asks again. “Your room?”

Joe nods. “Yeah, what’s up?”

“Can I talk to him?” Ben asks.

“Uh, sure,” Joe says. “Right now?”

Ben nods, pushing his chair back from his table, picking up his laptop and his sandwich.

Joe hurries after him, tossing away his trash. “What’s going on?” he asks.

“Does Gwil want to go?” Ben asks, glancing over at Joe.

“Uh…” Joe trails off as they head downstairs. “I don’t know, really.”

“You haven’t asked?” Ben asks.

Joe shrugs. “Not, I mean, he wants to go, but his reasons for going are not, like—”

“Oh my god, Joe,” Ben mutters. “Just _tell_ me,” he says. They reach Rami and Joe’s room and Joe unlocks it, stepping inside.

Rami’s on the sofa, his laptop on his lap, and he looks over at them in surprise. “What’s going on?” he asks, closing the computer.

“I don’t know,” Joe says, gesturing towards Ben. “Ask him.”

Rami turns to Ben, but he doesn’t say anything.

Ben doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to say. He doesn’t really even know why he came down here in such a hurry. He thought he knew, in the moment he decided to, but now that he’s here, looking at Rami, his mind is blank. 

“Well?” Rami asks, sounding a bit impatient.

Ben flinches a bit and looks down at his feet. He knows he wants to ask about Gwil, but now that he’s here in front of Rami, he’s a little bit afraid of his response. Rami will just be angry with him, still upset that he didn’t show up at the train station. “Can we talk?” he asks. “All of us, for once?”

“About what?” Rami asks.

Ben glances over at Joe, and Joe just sighs. “About Gwil,” Ben says.

“Oh,” Rami says. “You care now?”

Ben looks down again. “I’ve _always_ cared,” he says. “Rami, Joe told me. That you’re looking for Felix. Why?”

“Because I want Gwil to talk to him,” Rami says. “I want him to hear from someone who saw firsthand how much Gwil leaving the first time hurt. It’s the only thing I can think of that might help. Since _you’re_ not talking to him. That hurts, you know. Not just Gwil. But me too.”

“Rami,” Ben says, “I— I haven’t been talking to him, because I thought that’s what he wanted.”

“That’s not true,” Rami says softly.

“It is,” Ben insists. “And I know you’re angry with me, but I didn’t go say goodbye to him because I thought that he didn’t want me there. Because I thought that he wanted to go.”

“He doesn’t want to go,” Rami says.

“But that’s what he _told_ me,” Ben says. “And that’s what you all’ve let me think since he left! I— if he doesn’t want to be there, then why is he?” He can hear the exasperation in his voice.

Rami looks over at Joe, and then back at Ben. “Because you weren’t there.”

“Rami, that’s not fair,” Joe says. “You don’t know that.”

“I do know that,” Rami says. “When we got there, and you weren’t there, he said that it was— that it was proof. That you wanted him to leave. He thinks you hate him. He’s doing this for us, that’s what he told me. He thinks it’s for the best. That we _want_ him to go, and…” Rami trails off, looking at Ben sadly, with a bit of desperation. “Ben, I— I told him that’s not true, and he wouldn’t listen, but if _you_ told him, he would.”

Ben glances over at Joe. “Why…but he— he told me. That day. He doesn’t love me.”

“He does,” Rami says.

Ben can’t help but scoff. “No, he—”

“He _told_ me,” Rami says. “He told me, exactly that, that you’re the man he loves. And you weren’t there.”

Ben blinks a few times, trying to comprehend what Rami’s saying to him. He’s spent a month thinking that this was what Gwil wanted. It’s what Gwil _told_ him he wanted. And Ben believed him. He didn’t think— well, no, maybe he did. When he first heard of the Mercury II, his mind went to Gwil, but he didn’t _really_ think Gwil would do this if he didn’t want to. But nobody knows Gwil better than Rami, and if Rami says that Gwil doesn’t want to go, then Gwil probably doesn’t want to go. But that means if Rami also says that Gwil loves him, then maybe…no. Ben clears his throat gently. “I can’t ask him to stay,” he says finally.

“Yes, you can,” Rami says quickly, like he’s been waiting to say it. Ben thinks maybe he has; for the entire time Gwil’s been gone, maybe Rami’s been waiting to have this conversation. Maybe that’s why things have been so awkward between them, Rami just didn’t know how to bring it up.

Ben just shakes his head. “No, I can’t,” he says. “Rami, if he…wants to go, I can’t get in the way of that.” He thinks for a moment. “I just want him to be happy,” he says quietly.

“ _You_ make him happy,” Rami says. “I— you’re the only thing that’s made him happy since we came back. Ben, he _loves_ you. I know he does. He told me. And if you don’t want him, that’s fine. I know he hurt you, and I’m sorry that he did, and I don’t want that for you, I don’t want this to be like Paul again because I _know_ you deserve more than that. But…if nothing else, I can’t lose my best mate. And if you ask him to stay, he’ll stay.” He looks at Ben hopefully. “You— then we can figure out the rest later. We’ll have _years_ , instead of just months. You two can take as much time you need. All the time in the world. But Ben, if you don’t say anything at all, he’ll leave for sure. I know he will. He won’t listen to me, he’s convinced himself you don’t care at all and that this is for the best. But he’ll leave and _any_ chance you have of a future with him, if that’s what you want, it’s gone. You don’t have to be with him, and you don’t have to forgive him, but _please_ just tell him to stay. _Please_ , Ben. He’ll listen. He— when you didn’t show up at the train station, he thought that meant you wanted him gone. But if that’s not true, then _tell_ him that, please, I’m begging you.”

Ben can only stare at Rami. He…he feels dazed, he thinks. He feels like Rami’s prepared this speech, like he’s been practicing it in his head for weeks. God. He looks over at Joe, wondering if he knew that Rami had all of his bottled up inside as well, if he knew that Rami had all of this to say to him. This is clearly something that Rami’s been thinking about for awhile. Just waiting for the right moment to ask. He doesn’t know what to say. He— he can’t break Rami’s heart, not when Rami has specifically asked for his help, but…fuck, Ben thinks. Where the hell does this go on his list of pros and cons?

“I thought you knew,” Rami says softly. “I thought you knew and that you just didn’t care, but…you didn’t know, did you?”

Ben can only shake his head, and he reaches out to set his laptop and sandwich down before he shakes too much and drops them. “He told me—”

“Yes, well, we’ve all established that Gwil’s a liar,” Joe says. “Or a coward, I don’t know. Scared. But if you don’t want him to go, and Rami doesn’t want him to go, and I don’t want him to go…why exactly are we all letting him go?” he asks. “Also, why do none of us fucking _talk_ anymore, christ?” he mutters.

Ben slowly slides down the wall, thinking. Really though, Joe’s right. If none of them want Gwil to go, and if Gwil doesn’t want to go, then why is Gwil alone in Cologne? Why aren’t they there right now trying to convince him to come back? Maybe just Rami and Joe aren’t enough, not when Gwil feels so guilty for hurting Ben. Maybe Gwil needs to know that all three of them want him to stay.

Joe crouches down beside him. “Hey, buddy?” he asks softly. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” Ben says softly.

“Okay,” Joe says, sitting down next to him, letting Ben lean against him.

“My doctor,” Ben says, resting his head on Joe’s shoulder. “She wants me to…make a list.”

“What sort of list?” Rami asks.

“Pros and cons,” Ben says. “Forgiving Gwil, or just talking to him, I don’t know, really. I told her I…” He blinks a couple times, trying to focus his eyes again. “I should talk to him,” he says.

Joe snorts. “Uh, yeah,” he says.

“Would you?” Rami asks eagerly.

“I don’t know what to say to him,” Ben says softly, looking up at Joe. “I…are you sure?” he asks.

“Sure about what?” Joe asks. 

“About all of it,” Ben says. “That he wants to stay, that he lov— has…cares about me,” he says. 

“Of course he does,” Rami says.

Ben just blinks a couple times. “No one’s ever loved me before,” he says.

“Oh, Ben,” Rami says. He pushes himself off the sofa and hurries over to kneel in front of him, reaching out to take Ben’s hands. “Is that why— oh, Ben. I’m sorry.”

Ben shakes his head. “Not your fault,” he murmurs. “But Rami, I don’t know if I’m— if I can _be_ with him, I don’t know that yet.”

Rami shakes his head. “You don’t need to know that,” he says. “It’s okay. It’s okay if you never want to be with him, I know he hurt you. But can we just try getting him to stay? Please?” He looks at Ben hopefully.

Ben swallows hard, nodding shakily. “Alright,” he says. “I— we can’t let him leave, right?”

“Right,” Rami says, nodding. He smiles over at Joe. “Right?”

Joe sighs. “Sure,” he says. “I mean, I admit…I’ll kind of miss the guy, too. But I mean, you know more than anyone, he’s…sick, I think. To say the least. How’re you going to convince him it’s what we really want?”

“Maybe Felix can help,” Rami says.

“So he’s alive?” Ben asks.

Rami nods. “He is. He lives in a…what, Joe?”

“Retirement village,” Joe says. “By Battersea.”

“He’s…” Ben sighs. “How old?”

“Ninety-two,” Rami replies.

“Oh my god,” Ben mutters, thumping his head back against the wall. “We can’t just— we can’t just _show_ up and say, 'oi, Felix, here’s your father’s ex-boyfriend.' What’s he going to do with that?”

“We’re not just going to _show up_ ,” Rami says. “I’m going to call him and speak to him. If he’s ill, or unwell, we won’t go see him,” he says. “I don’t want to hurt him. I’m just going to tell him who I am, and see if it’d be alright if me and a mate came to visit. That’s all. If he says no, that's alright.”

“I still don’t think Gwil’s actually going to say yes to this,” Joe says. “Talking? To people? Doesn’t seem like his thing.”

“He’ll do it for me,” Rami says. “I told you, I know Gwil. And I know how guilty he'll be feeling right now.”

“You’re going to lie to him, aren’t you?” Joe asks.

Rami shrugs. “If I have to.”

Joe blows out a heavy breath. “And what we do if this doesn’t work? What if we all tell him we want him to stay, and he talks to Felix and sees how much it fucked up his dad, and Gwil’s still like, nope, peace! I mean, at some point we have to let him go.”

“When he steps foot on the Mercury,” Rami says. “And not a second before.” He swallows hard. “ _Please_. He’s my best mate. I need him.”

Joe nods, and then Ben does as well. “Of course,” Joe says softly.

“I want him to stay,” Ben says. “Even after everything, I…just want him here.”

Rami smiles at them both. “Okay. So let me call Felix.”

\+ + + + +

Felix Taylor, for a man of ninety-two, is still fairly well-spoken. Maybe a bit hard of hearing, but Rami just speaks up and talks clearly. Felix is still well enough to live alone, though the retirement village does have twenty-four hour care, of course, just in case. He has children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren.

And best of all, Rami thinks, is that Felix still remembers him. And Gwil. Their names, at least. He’d heard about the Mercury on the news months earlier, but didn’t really think much of it. He tells Rami that yes, he’s the one who gave the letters to the IIS. He found them after Roger died, and thought that they should be kept somewhere safe, since Roger was always so sure that Gwil and Rami would be back.

He’d be absolutely chuffed to know that he was right. “Dad always loved being right,” Felix says, and Rami smiles. Definitely the same Roger.

Rami asks if it’d be alright if he came to visit, and if he brought Gwil with him, maybe a couple others mates as well. Felix just says sure, sure, why not. Bring them all, it’s alright. Rory lives in France now, he tells Rami, and Roger never spoke to her much about Gwil anyway, since she was so much younger than him, but he asks if it’s still alright if he tells her that Rami and Gwil are coming. Rami says yes, of course. 

Rami tells Felix he’s not sure exactly when they’ll come, since Gwil is still in Germany, but he’ll make sure to give Felix enough notice, since Felix has his aqua aerobics classes twice a week, as well as the Farmers’ Market, amongst other events, like film nights or meetings of the car club.

Rami quite likes that. He sort of imagines he’s about to meet the second-coming of Roger Taylor. Now he just has to figure out how to convince Gwil to come.

\+ + + + +

Ben looks up from peeling the potatoes, watching Rami stare at his phone, swiping through photos of something. Rami and Ben walked to his flat together after Ben was done work for the day, but Joe’s stuck at a dentist’s appointment. “What’s that?” he asks.

“I’m looking at photos of a flat,” Rami says. “Joe wants us to go see it, but…I don’t know.”

Ben nods once. “Uh, can— may I see?” he asks.

Rami looks up, nodding and leaning towards him, holding out his phone.

“That’s gorgeous,” Ben says. “Where’s that?”

“Floral Street,” Rami says, scrolling through a couple more of the photos. 

“That’s…” Ben frowns, looking at it. “What, a ten minute walk from here?” he asks.

“Four,” Rami says, and Ben laughs. “Joe checked.”

“What’s wrong with it?” Ben asks. “Besides practically being my next door neighbour.”

“It’s the most expensive thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” Rami says, sighing. “Joe loves it, but it’s so much bigger than we need. Two floors. Three toilets! There are only two of us.”

Ben laughs softly. “Okay, so maybe not. What else we got?”

“I like this one,” Rami says, showing Ben another photo. “It’s a lot more affordable, and it is actually just a regular flat, not a bloody mansion.”

“So what’s wrong with this one?” Ben asks.

“Joe hates it,” Rami says. “He doesn’t like the way the walls are angled, say it’s going to make him sick.”

“Joe’s an idiot,” Ben says, smiling.

“Then there’s this one,” Rami says, showing Ben another listing.

“Oh, that’s nice,” Ben says. “And…close by as well. I think I’m starting to see a trend.”

“It’s Joe’s favourite,” Rami says. “Well, other than the expensive one.”

“There’s nothing wrong with the expensive one,” Ben says, “if you can afford it.”

Rami shrugs, putting his phone back into his pocket. “We _can_ , I just…I mean, I’d love it, obviously. It’s beautiful. But we don’t need it. There are so many more important things to spend your money on. It’s— it’s hard to explain.”

“No, I get it,” Ben says. “And I agree. But I also know Joe, and he thinks that having that flat will— he wants you to have a nice home, is all. He just wants to take care of you. But if spending that much money on something makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him that.”

“I don’t know,” Rami says. “Maybe I should go with him to look at it anyway. Just to see. It _is_ nice.”

“It’s beautiful,” Ben says. He smiles over at Rami. “And for all my teasing, I wouldn’t mind you being that close, really.”

Rami smiles back. They chat for awhile as Ben continues to prepare their supper; things are a bit better between them now, now that they know where they stand and have actually talked. Ben’s still not entirely sure about this Felix plan, but Rami seems to think it’s a good idea, even if he still hasn’t brought it up to Gwil yet.

Rami’s cell phone starts ringing. “Oh, it’s probably Joe,” he says, taking out his phone. He frowns a bit when he looks at it. “Hi, Leo,” Rami says, looking at Ben. “Yes, I’m— well, no, I’m not at home, I’m with Ben.” He glances over at Ben, a worried look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Ben asks softly, reaching out to him. 

“No, I can—” Rami nods jerkily, closing his eyes. “We can be there. Soon, yes. Which hospital? And she’s— oh, Leo, is she—” He sniffles, nodding. “Uh-huh, I think so…I’ll ask Ben.”

Ben’s eyes widen and he immediately turns back to the sink, quickly washing his hands.

“Alright, yes,” Rami says. “We’ll be there, if you— please tell her we’ll be there. Oh, I’m so sorry, Leo, yes, I— no, I’m sure—” He whimpers softly. “Yes, of course. Goodbye. I love you.” He drops his phone from his ear and then turns to Ben, wrapping his arms around him.

“What’s wrong?” Ben asks, gently rubbing Rami’s back. “What’s happened?”

“Nelly’s in hospital,” Rami says, pulling back, eyes bright with tears. “She’s had a heart attack.”

“Oh, Rami,” Ben says softly. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“He says not to worry, that he thinks it’s just minor, and that she’ll be fine,” Rami says, reaching up to wipe at his eyes, “but I don’t— I don’t know.”

“We’re going to go right now,” Ben says, nodding. “Yeah? Come on. Get your shoes on. It’s okay.”

“I— I have to call Joe,” Rami mutters, letting Ben lead him over to the front door. He stands there for a moment before he realizes what Ben said, yes, _shoes_.

“I’ll call Joe,” Ben assures him, tugging on his trainers. He pats his pocket for his phone, then grabs his keys and his wallet. “She's alright.”

Rami sniffles, looking over at Ben. “What if she’s not okay? What if Leo’s wrong, or— or what if he lied?”

Ben shakes his head. “He wouldn’t lie, Rami, he— not to you, come on.”

“But what if he’s _wrong_?” Rami asks, voice breaking, and Ben pulls him back into his arms, rubbing his back.

“It’s alright,” Ben says, “she’s alright. We’ll go now, and we’ll see her, right? I promise, everything will be fine. She’s fine..” He pulls back, giving Rami a comforting smile. “I promise, okay?”

“You can’t promise,” Rami says, shaking his head. “You— you don’t know.”

“I do,” Ben says. He smiles, gently wiping at Rami’s cheeks. “It’s my superpower, never told you about it.”

“Stop it,” Rami mutters. “She, she could die.”

Ben nods. “She could, but she won’t,” he says, leaning in to kiss Rami’s temple. “It’ll be okay. Just a minor heart attack, she’s alright. Come on, let’s go see for ourselves. I’ll call Joe on the way, okay? He can meet us there.”

Rami nods, wiping at his face. “I— oh, Ben, I’m so sorry.”

Ben shakes his head, pulling Rami in. “Nothing to be sorry about,” he says. "You're fine. Come on. I know it’s scary, but she’s tough, I promise. She’s related to you, and you’re the toughest person I know, so she’ll be okay. Come on.” Ben opens the door to his flat, carefully leading Rami through. He sighs, locking the door behind him, and leading Rami down the stairs. “I’ll message Joe now, which hospital are we going to?”

“St. Thomas, I think,” Rami says. “Something like that, I— that’s what Leo said, I think.”

“I know where it is,” Ben says, nodding. He leads Rami to the street, quickly typing out a text to Joe as he tries to hail a taxi. “Just a short drive, it’s alright.” He wraps his arm around Rami’s shoulders, pulling him. “She’ll be fine, I promise. Come on.”

Rami nods, head falling forward as he continues to cry.

Ben sighs, starting to impatiently tap his foot on the sidewalk. “It’s okay,” he murmurs.

\+ + + + +

Gwil rubs the towel over his head as he walks out of the bathroom, another towel wrapped around his waist. He always showers in the morning, after his jog, but today was terrible and by the time he got back to the flat the only thing he could think of was standing in scalding hot water for twenty minutes and then going to bed. He’s so tired of the way people look at him, how they talk about him when they think he’s not listening. Or maybe they know he’s listening and just don’t care. They think he’s pathetic, he knows that much for sure.

He sits down on the edge of his bed, drying his hair, then moves the towel over his chest and his arms. He makes sure his wrist is dry, then reaches over to grab his watch from the nightstand, strapping it on, then unlocking it. He sees the red dot of a notification, and then swipes down, seeing that he has a message from Joe. He smiles a bit.

He sets his towel down and then reaches over to grab his phone, reading the message in full. His smile disappears and he feels sick as soon as he sees it; Nelly, in hospital. A heart attack.

“Oh god,” Gwil says softly, shaking his head. He glances at the time and then thinks for a moment before quickly standing up. He picks the towel back up and starts drying himself off as quickly as possible, but he gives up somewhere on his thighs and runs to his closet, looking for whatever’s easiest to throw on. He leaves the towels on the floor and pulls on his boxers, trousers, and a jumper, and makes sure he has his keys, his wallet, and his phone. Headphones too, he thinks. 

He pulls the door closed behind him and hurries down the stairs. It’s what, maybe a ten minute walk to Köln Hauptbahnof, the station where he can catch the Thayls to Brussels, where he’ll transfer to the Eurostar to London. It will be less than three hours before he’s at St. Pancras. From there, maybe half an hour to St. Thomas’. 

Gwil glances at the time again as he hurries along. He’s tired, and still upset from earlier. He’s hungry too, since he hasn’t had his supper yet. It doesn’t matter, he thinks. God, Rami needs him _now_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • SO! three of them have finally talked, and next time, Gwil's going to be doing some talking as well. to who? who knows.  
> • but his Ram-Rami needs him and he's coming, lord next chapter has a lot in it.  
> • I finished a draft of 39 last night: it is over 20,000 words, and so sweet that I made myself cry tears of happiness, so.  
> • three chapters left! (oh god that's too wild I'm so nervous and don't want to say goodbye to any of this)


	37. Chapter 37

Rami’s feet bounce up and down nervously, hands squeezed between his knees just to keep himself from anxiously picking at his nails. He lets out a shaky breath, looking around the waiting area. 

“Hey,” Joe says beside him, reaching out to gently take Rami’s hand, “hey, hey, it’s okay.”

Rami looks over at him, nodding jerkily, but he keeps bouncing his knees, and Joe frowns. “I just— I just don’t know,” Rami says softly, looking down, shaking his head. He hates hospitals; he knows that nobody _really_ likes them, obviously, but he hates them. He hates this. Ever since his father died, and now, thinking about everybody else he loved who died… He looks down, closing his eyes, trying to take deep breaths to calm himself down. Nelly will be fine. They said she’ll be fine. She’ll be fine.

He’s just thankful that Ben and Joe are here with him, and he’s not alone with _Leo_ , who keeps pacing around the waiting area talking to himself and practically ignoring Rami. Rami gets that Leo’s nervous and scared for his mum, even more than Rami, but Rami just really doesn’t want him to be the one he’s dealing with right now. He hopes that somebody else in the family shows up soon. Adriana would be nice. He bets that she’s great in a crisis.

Ben and Rami had been at the hospital for almost an hour before Joe showed up, apologizing profusely. Over and over, and then he stopped to comfort Rami, and then apologized again. Rami told him it was fine; it _was_ , Joe was at the dentist, that’s not his fault.

Ben’s sitting quietly on the other side of Rami. Rami’s not really sure how Ben feels about hospitals; he knows Joe told him that Ben had never really lost a close family member before, so it’s unlikely he has bad memories associated with hospitals, but it certainly doesn’t mean he’s happy to be there. But whenever Rami looks over at him, Ben just gives him a warm smile, and Rami feels a bit better. He’s actually relieved that he was with Ben when Leo called; Ben was the comfort that he needed, especially since Gwil wasn’t there.

“Do you need something to eat?” Joe asks softly, and Rami shakes his head. “Do you need something to drink?”

“No, Joe, I’m fine,” Rami says. He tries to keep the edge out of his voice; he knows that Joe is just being helpful. He knows that. Joe’s just a little bit overbearing when he’s trying to help. He can see it on Ben’s face whenever Joe politely reminds him of a doctor’s appointment or tries to cheer him up. “Thank you,” he says, turning to him to quickly brush his lips over Joe’s cheek.

“Ben?” Joe asks, leaning forward to look past Rami.

“Fine, Joe,” Ben says. “Don’t worry about me.”

“Right,” Joe says, nodding. “Okay.”

Rami sighs, shifting in his seat. “Guys, maybe you should just go,” he says.

“ _What_?” Ben asks.

“I just, I don’t know how long we’re going to be here,” Rami says, looking back and forth between them. “It’s been hours, it could be hours. I— you should go home. I’ll be fine."

Joe looks at Ben again, who’s shaking his head, and then Joe leans in a bit closer to Rami. “We are _not_ leaving you,” he says softly. “And we’re not leaving Nelly either, okay?”

Rami nods. “Okay,” he says softly.

“Good,” Joe says, giving Rami a quick kiss on the temple.

The three of them settle back in their seats for a few minutes until they all startle and look up as the door to the waiting room bangs open. Rami gasps a bit, staring ahead, seeing but not really believing. Despite the circumstances, a smile immediately grows on his face and then he shoots up in his seat. “Gwil!” he exclaims, hurrying over to him, throwing himself at him. “Gwil, you’re here.”

Gwil wraps his arms around Rami and pulls him in tightly. “Hi,” he says breathlessly, clutching at Rami. “Are you okay? Is she okay?” He pulls back to look Rami in the eyes. “How are you?”

“I—” Rami just looks up at Gwil in disbelief, a smile still on his face, shaking his head slowly. “Gwil, you’re— _here_. You came back. What are you doing here?” he asks.

“Joe sent me a message,” Gwil says. “Are you alright?”

Rami glances back at Joe, who just gives him a smile and shrug, and then turns back to Gwil. “Yes, I am, but Gwil, I— you’re three hours away, you’re in a different country. On the _continent_. I— you didn’t have to come.”

“Shh, of course I came,” Gwil says, pulling him back in. “of course. You needed me, I’m here. Don’t worry, it’s alright. How is she, have you heard?”

“I think she’s alright,” Rami says, clutching at Gwil’s jacket, burying his face in his chest. “I just— oh god, Gwil.” His voice breaks and he starts to softly cry, and Gwil just holds him, rubbing Rami’s back, shushing him softly.

“She’ll be alright,” Gwil says, “she’ll be alright. It’s not like back in our day, yeah? She’ll probably be out of here in a couple hours with all their new technology.”

Rami nods, but doesn’t say anything, just stays in Gwil’s arms until he’s all cried out. Everything that he’d been holding in, it all comes out; now that Gwil’s here, he feels like he can breathe again, and a weight’s been lifted. Seeing Gwil, it’s a relief. It’s instant happiness. He came back, for _him_. Rami feels much better for it once he’s done crying, and he pulls back from Gwil after a couple of minutes, reaching up to wipe at his eyes, sniffling.

“Let’s sit, yeah?” Gwil asks. He takes Rami by the hand and leads him back over to where he was sitting, his steps faltering when he sees the look on Ben’s face, who’s openly and obviously staring at him. Joe looks a bit happier to see him, at least.

Rami sits back down between them, wiping at his face again, smiling up at Gwil, and Gwil just awkwardly shifts on his feet, slipping his hands into his pockets. Rami glances at Joe, and then gently elbows at him, making Joe jump.

“Uh, hi, Gwil,” Joe says, glancing back at Rami. He shrugs, then slowly stands up, giving Gwil an awkward hug, patting him on the back. “I’m really glad you came, thank you.” He pulls back, and then sits back down. “How’s Germany, how are…things?”

Gwil at him, nodding slowly. “Uh…” he thinks for a moment, “läuft,” he says, stumbling over the pronunciation a bit.

Joe frowns and glances at Rami, who snorts a bit with laughter. Ben just keeps staring up at Gwil; he can’t take his eyes off him.

“Fine, they’re fine,” Gwil says instead. “Settling in, at least.”

“Good,” Joe says. “Uh, yeah, good.”

“Right,” Gwil mutters. He sighs, starting to look around the waiting room, immediately uncomfortable. Joe may have told him about Nelly, but Gwil realizes now that he wasn’t meant to actually show up here. None of them probably want him here, he thinks.

“Hello,” Leo says, suddenly appearing in front of them, offering his hand to Gwil. “I’m Leo.”

“Oh,” Gwil says, looking up at him in surprise, taking Leo’s hand. “I’m Gwil.”

“The other one, right?” Leo asks. “The astronaut?”

“Yes,” Gwil replies, glancing over at Rami, who’s rolling his eyes. “How’s your mum?” he asks.

“The doctor’s say she should be alright,” Leo says. “I know she’ll be chuffed to meet you.”

“Oh, I—” Gwil looks over at Rami, who’s watching Gwil with a hopeful look on his face. 

“Please,” Rami says, “oh Gwil, she’d love to finally meet you. Would that alright? Since you’re here and all.”

Gwil sighs and finally nods. “Yes, of course, Rami,” he says, “if you’d like. Whenever she’s up for it, I promise.”

“They’re just, running tests, I don’t know,” Leo says, shaking his head. “I really don’t know.”

“Were you with her when it happened?” Gwil asks.

Leo nods. “She said it felt like someone was sitting on her chest. Then she got dizzy.”

Gwil gives Leo a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry,” he says, “but I’m sure she’ll be alright. I just know it. She sounds like such a lovely woman, she’ll be fine.”

“Thank you,” Leo says. He sighs and starts pacing around again, glancing at his watch repeatedly.

“I’m sorry about him,” Rami says quietly.

“He’s just scared,” Gwil says softly, looking at Rami. “I can handle being called the ‘other one.’ I’m sure I’ve been called worse.” He looks over at Ben, and Joe coughs loudly. 

Rami elbows Joe again, then looks back up at Gwil. “I just can’t believe you’re here,” he says softly. “You came. You’re here.”

Gwil smiles. “Of course,” he says. “Once I saw Joe’s message, I knew you needed me.” Whether or not he’s actually welcome. 

Rami smiles and nods, then as he if can feel Gwil’s nervousness, he stands up, taking Gwil’s hand, leading him a few feet away from Joe and Ben.

“You asked him to come?” Ben asks softly, leaning over Rami’s empty seat. “Why didn’t you say?”

“I didn’t ask him to come,” Joe says. “I just…figured he’d want to know. As soon as I saw your message, I messaged him. I didn’t think he’d actually show up. I’m glad he did, though. I mean, Rami needs him. And we do need to talk to him,” he says, watching Rami and Gwil stand a few feet away, talking quietly.

“How are you really?” Rami asks, holding Gwil’s hands in his.

“I’m fine,” Gwil says. “I— we talk all the time, Rami, you know I’m alright. I came here for you, we don’t need to talk about me. It will be alright. You’ll be fine. And that’s why Nelly’s going to be fine, she’s going to help take care of you for me.”

Rami frowns at that, slowly letting go of Gwil’s hands as he realizes that Gwil still means to leave; he’s talking about something will happen after he’s gone. Rami can’t tell if he wants to step back from Gwil and tell him to go or if he wants to pull him into a hug and never let him leave. He decides on the hug as his eyes start to fill with tears.

“Shh, it’s alright,” Gwil says softly. He bites down on his lip, trying to think of a way to make Rami feel better, or at least distract him. “Nelly will be alright, I promise. She’ll be okay.”

Joe frowns a bit, seeing the look on Rami’s face. He straightens up in his seat and starts to move, ready to run over to them.

“Joe,” Ben says, reaching out to put his hand on his knee, stopping him. “Just…no, alright? He’s fine. They’re fine. They haven’t seen each other in a month, give them a moment.”

Joe sighs and settles back in his seat. “I can’t believe he came,” he says, shaking his head.

“Why not?” Ben asks. “He’s his best mate.”

“Yeah, who abandoned him,” Joe says. “I mean, yeah, I’m glad he’s here, but— Gwil’s not really a…‘come when you call him’ kind of guy.”

“Maybe he could be,” Ben says. “Maybe it means he’s getting better.” He swallows hard, watching Gwil and Rami for a moment. “I mean, we always knew he loved Rami, even though— after everything. And he’s here. He came. All the way from Germany. That must mean something.”

“Like maybe he wants to stay?” Joe asks.

“I don’t know,” Ben says softly. “Maybe.”

The doors to the waiting room open again, and Joe recognizes Adriana running in, followed by Michael and Other Rami. They all go straight to Leo, and after a moment, Rami detaches himself from Gwil to go to speak to them as well. Joe watches as he hesitantly approaches them, clearly feeling unsure of his place with them, but then Adriana pulls him into a hug.

Gwil slips his hands in his pockets and starts looking around, feeling wholly out of place. He doesn’t know most of the people there, and the ones he does know have no interest in speaking to him. He sighs and walks over to a bulletin board hanging on the wall, starting to read the signs and notes that are posted there.

Joe and Ben sit quietly for a few minutes, watching as Leo catches the rest of his family up on the news about Nelly, and then a doctor appears, talking to him quietly. Leo turns to Rami, and then Rami nods and turns back to Gwil, walking over to him.

“Gwil?” Rami asks, reaching up to put his hand on his shoulder. “They said we can see her now. Will you come?”

Gwil looks over at Joe, and then back at Rami. “It— it should be him, no?” he asks.

Rami shakes his head. “No, I want it to be you.” He takes Gwil by the hand and then walks over to Joe and Ben. Rami smiles and leans down to give Joe a kiss. “I’ll be right back,” he says. “Then we can go.”

“Okay,” Joe says, kissing him again. “Tell her I said hi.”

Rami nods, and then he and Gwil follow Leo out of the waiting area as he leads them to Nelly’s room. He knocks on the door before pushing it open, calling out “Mum?” before he steps out of the way for them to walk by.

“You’re not staying?” Rami asks, looking over at Leo.

“Just two at a time,” Leo explains. “You first.”

“We’ll be quick then,” Rami says. “You should be with her.” Rami and Gwil walk into Nelly’s room, and Rami smiles as soon as he sees her, sitting up, looking…fine, honestly. Tired, maybe, but okay.

“Rami,” Nelly says softly, reaching out to him despite the tubes and lines attached to her arms. “Oh, how are you? You weren’t worried too much?” Her voice sounds rough, but it still sounds like _her_. Maybe Leo wasn’t lying, Rami thinks.

He smiles and shakes his head, walking over to sit on the edge of Nelly’s bed. “No, I had my mates with me,” he says. “Nelly, I’d like you to meet someone.” He reaches out to Gwil, pulling him closer. “This is Gwil,” he says proudly.

“Gwil,” Nelly says, looking over at him. “Oh, how I’ve been waiting to meet you,” she says in awe. “Home from the stars.”

“Hello,” Gwil says politely, extending his hand to her. “It’s a pleasure.”

“If I’d known it would take a heart attack to get you to come see me, I’d have done it weeks ago,” Nelly says, weakly shaking her head.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” Gwil says, looking away bashfully.

Nelly looks at Rami, and then snorts, trying not to laugh. “Please, _please_ don’t call me ma’am,” she says. “Oh goodness, I can’t take that.” She sighs tiredly. “Is Joe here as well?” she asks.

Rami nods. “He is. In the waiting room.”

“Lovely,” Nelly says. “He’s such a kind boy.”

“Are you alright, Nelly?” Rami asks.

Nelly nods. “Oh, absolutely. I’m fine. I think I’ll be going home tomorrow. Leo’s going to wait on me hand-and-foot for a few days, and then I’ll be fine. Besides, it will do him some good, having to help me out around the flat.”

“Good,” Rami says.

“How are you?” Nelly asks.

“Well,” Rami nods. “I was just making dinner with Ben, when Leo called.”

Nelly smiles. “And Gwil was with you?” she asks, looking over at him.

Gwil shakes his head. “Uh, no,” he replies. “I was…at work.”

“At work?” Nelly repeats. “You don’t mean to say…you came all the way from Cologne, for me?”

Gwil nods. “Yes, of course,” he says. “Rami needed me, and I felt terribly guilty that we’d still never met.”

“Oh, well isn’t that…” Nelly gives Rami a weak smile. “Wonderful,” she finishes. “You certainly didn’t have to, but I can assure you, it is appreciated.” She looks at Rami again. “But you, you’re still staying?” she asks.

Rami nods. “Yes, of course. I would’ve told you.”

“Good,” Nelly says softly, tiredly pushing herself up to give Rami a kiss on the cheek. “What would I do without your letters?” she asks, settling back down against her pillows.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Rami asks.

Nelly nods. “Oh yes. Quite well. I would venture to guess that medicine’s come a bit further than what it was like when you were young,” she says.

Rami smiles. “That’s true, he says, “but still, you’re okay? I don’t want to leave if you’re not okay.”

Nelly smiles. “I’m fine, I promise,” she says.

“I’m going to go,” Gwil says softly, leaning in towards Rami. “I’ll get Joe for you.”

“You don’t have to,” Rami says, looking back at him.

“It’s alright,” Gwil says. “Nelly, it was a pleasure to finally meet you,” he says, reaching out to take her hand again.

“I’d like to have dinner with you sometime,” Nelly says, squeezing his hand. “Before you fly back off to the stars.”

Gwil smiles. “Yes, absolutely,” he says, nodding. “I’d love that.”

“You promise, now,” Nelly says. “You wouldn’t be lying to a sick woman, would you?”

“Of course not,” Gwil says. “I promise.”

“Good,” Nelly says, finally letting go of him. “Be safe until then, Gwil.”

“Thank you,” Gwil says. “Feel better.” He waves as he turns, walking out of the room. He heads back to the waiting area. He sees Joe and Ben sitting together, and he freezes for a moment, before nodding once and clearing his throat, heading over to the two of them. “Uh, Nelly and Rami would like to see you,” he says to Joe.

Joe glances over at Ben, then stands up.

“Her room is just throu—” Gwil says, turning to point.

“Why don’t you walk me,” Joe suggests.

Gwil look at Joe, then down at Ben, and back to Joe. “I…alright,” he says hesitantly, turning back towards the hallway. He looks down at his feet as Joe starts walking alongside him. Before they get to Nelly’s room, Joe stops, putting his hand out to grab Gwil’s arm. Gwil cringes a bit, looking over at Joe. “So this is when you throw me in the Thames, I suppose,” he says.

Joe frowns, tilting his head to the side a bit. “What?” he asks, letting go of him.

“Never mind,” Gwil says softly. “It was…”

“No,” Joe says. “I just wanted to say thank you. For showing up, for being here for Rami. It means a lot to him. And to me.”

“Of course,” Gwil says. “I— of course. He needed me. I didn’t— I didn’t just forget him.”

“Right,” Joe says. “I was— I just meant…he needs you, you know. You might not think he does, or maybe you don’t think any of us need you. And I— I know you think he’s angry at you, or whatever, and he was, but he wants you to stay. He doesn’t want this; you saw how happy he was to see you.”

Gwil looks away, slipping his hands into his pockets. “He’ll realize that it’s for the best,” he says.

“No, he won’t,” Joe says sharply. “You’re going to go, you’re going to fucking leave him, and I’m going to be the one he cries to about it. And I have _no_ problem taking care of him if he needs me, because I love him, but don’t make him need me like this, Gwil. I don’t want this for him. You can’t go, okay?”

“You’re asking me to stay?” Gwil asks in surprise, eyebrows raised.

“For him,” Joe says quickly. “And…” He sighs, looking away.

Gwil shifts on his feet, waiting for Joe to continue.

“And for Ben,” Joe says finally.

Gwil’s eyes narrow in confusion. “I don’t—”

“I’m just saying,” Joe continues, “if you leave, this— I know Ben. Better than anyone. And yeah, you pissed me off, because you hurt him, but he…it won’t be today, and probably not tomorrow, but if you go, if you actually leave, I think it’s going to mess him up for the rest of his life. You’re doing to him what you did to Roger.”

Gwil draws a sharp breath. “He’ll be better without me,” he says, trying to keep his voice calm.

“No, he won’t,” Joe says. “He _won’t_. This won’t be better, it’ll be worse. I don’t know how to convince you, but trust me. Ben wants you to stay.”

“Joe, I appreciate your concern,” Gwil says, “but Ben’s an adult. If he wanted me to stay, he’d ask me to stay. Instead, he hasn’t said a _word_ to me in almost a month.”

Joe snorts and rolls his eyes. “Let me tell you something, Gwil. With his last boyfriend? Any time Ben wanted to do something other than have sex, Paul told him he had better things to do than waste his time hanging out with an idiot like him, and all he was good for was a fuck anyway.” Gwil freezes, feeling sick. “Now, do you _really_ think a guy who spent years listening to shit like that is going to have the strength to come to you and ask you to do something like _stay_?”

“I…” Gwil trails off, mouth dry with shock. “I…”

“And what about you?” Joe asks.

Gwil swallows. “What about me?” he asks.

“When you come back, alone,” Joe says. “Again. Without Roger, or Ben to help you. Are _you_ going to be okay?”

Gwil blinks a couple times. “Does it matter?” he asks.

“It does,” Joe says. “You might not believe it, but I still care. It’s not just going to be Ben or Rami thinking about you while you’re gone, wondering if you’re okay, if you’ll be okay. We were friends, weren’t we?”

Gwil nods. “We were,” he says softly. “But…”

“Just think about it,” Joe says, clapping Gwil on the shoulder a couple times as he walks by him towards Nelly’s room. “Thanks again for showing up,” he says. “It means a lot.”

Gwil just stands there for a couple of minutes until he can finally find it within him to walk back out to the waiting area. He dreads the idea of being out there alone with Ben, but he doesn’t want to leave Rami. He does think of just going, without saying goodbye, running to the train station, but then Ben looks up, giving him a quick smile, then glances at the empty seat next to him. Gwil sighs, and sits down next to him, trying to make sure they don’t accidentally touch. 

“Is she alright?” Ben asks.

Gwil nods. “She’s fine,” he says. “I think she’s just tired.”

“My grandmum had a heart attack when I was little,” Ben says. “Like, eight or nine."

Gwil looks over at him. “Oh? Was she— alright?” he asks.

Ben nods. “She was,” he replies. “That time, anyway.” He looks down.

“She died?” Gwil asks.

Ben bites down on his lip, nodding. “My first year of uni. She had another one. It was big.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Gwil says.

Ben shrugs. “It was— my dad’s mum. I always really liked her. She was a lot nicer than my mum’s mum. Whenever my parents went on holiday, I’d stay with her. We used to watch _Corrie_ together.” Gwil smiles at that; he’d caught Ben and Joe watching it a few times together in Perth. “My parents never told me.”

“Told you what?” Gwil asks.

Ben looks over at him. “That she died.”

Gwil frowns. “What? I don’t—”

“A friend told me,” Ben says. “Just messaged me out of the blue saying they heard about my grandmum and they were sorry. I called home and asked if it was true, if she was dead.”

“What did they say?” Gwil asks.

“That she was,” Ben says. “She’d died a few weeks before, and they just…” he sighs, looking down. “Didn’t tell me. They said it was because they didn’t want to distract me from my exams,” he says. “They were going to tell me when I went home for Christmas.”

“Jesus,” Gwil mutters. “Ben, I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t get to go to her funeral,” Ben says. “Obviously, I mean. It had been three weeks.” He reaches his hand up to his mouth, starting to gnaw on his thumb.

Gwil swallows hard, wondering if he should reach out to take it from his mouth or not, like he’d seen Joe do before countless times. But then Ben turns to him, hand falling away from his mouth, smiling faintly.

“You’re right,” Ben says. “They _are_ arseholes.”

Gwil chuckles softly. “It does sound like it,” he admits. “What does Joe have to say about that?”

Ben just shakes his head. “I never told him,” he says. Gwil frowns. “Joe loves his family so much, I— didn’t want him to realize just how pathetic mine was.”

“Has Joe ever met them?” Gwil asks. “I’d be surprised if they survived.”

Ben laughs this time. “The day I let Joe loose on my family…” He smiles sadly. “Well. I’ll film it for you.”

Gwil smiles back, but then he feels a prickling of tears in his eyes. _Because I won’t be here_ , he thinks. He looks at Ben, thinking about Joe’s words. If Ben could ever ask Gwil to stay, even if he actually wanted him to. Would Ben ever want him to? Or was he relieved to hear that Gwil would be leaving? He reaches his hand up, tapping his fingertip on his mouth.

“So, how are you?” Ben asks, shifting next to him. “Läuft, is that what you said?”

Gwil smiles and rolls his eyes. “You never told me there’s a language requirement for the IIS now,” he says.

“Oh, didn’t I?” Ben asks, smirking. “Je suis profondément désolé.”

Gwil groans softly. “ _Really_?” he asks. Ben just shrugs, still smirking. 

“Joe speaks Italian,” Ben says, “in case you were wondering.”

“Oh my god,” Gwil mutters. He can’t believe it. “But yes. To answer your question, I’m…alright. It’s a bit odd. I don’t really fit in there. They all know who I am.”

“Of course they do,” Ben says. “Your photo was in practically every history textbook I had growing up.”

“Brilliant,” Gwil mutters. “Well, it’s not important, anyway. I’ll— soon enough, it will be fine.” He sighs. “How are you?”

Ben shrugs. “I’m alright, I suppose. Getting better, anyway.” He looks over at Gwil. “I’m seeing someone now.”

Gwil feels like he’s been punched in the gut, and he can only imagine the look on his face. He, he’s horrified. He’s only been gone a month, and now—

“A doctor, I mean,” Ben says quickly. “For help.”

“Oh,” Gwil says, and he feels a bit dizzy. “Uh, no, that’s brilliant. Good. I— I’m happy to hear that.”

“Are you still seeing someone?” Ben asks.

Gwil nods. “Yes, I’ve got a new doctor in Cologne. He’s…nice. He’s alright. Helpful.”

“Good,” Ben says softly. “I’m glad. I’m happy you’re getting help.”

Gwil looks away at that, and after a moment, he nods. “Yes, well.” He sighs, and glances back over at Ben, just as Rami and Joe appear in front of them.

“Ready?” Rami asks, reaching out to put his hand on Gwil’s shoulder.

Gwil jumps, looking up at Rami and Joe, swallowing hard. He glances back at Ben, who’s looking down at his hands, foot bouncing nervously. “I, uh, yes,” he says, quickly standing up. “I’ve got to go,” he says.

“Go?” Rami asks, looking up at him. “Now? You only just got here. Can’t you wait until tomorrow, at least? It’s getting late.”

“No,” Gwil says, “I was— well, it was such short notice, I didn’t bring anything with me. Just my wallet, really; I can’t stay.”

“Let’s get something to eat first,” Rami says. “Please?” He glances over at Joe, who nods.

“Yeah, why not,” Joe says. “There are lots of trains,” he says. “And we didn’t have supper yet.”

Gwil looks over at Ben, who’s clearly deep in thought. “Ben?” he asks carefully.

Ben looks over at him, and doesn’t say anything.

“Ben and I actually need to speak,” Joe says quickly. “Important best friend stuff. Ben?” He reaches out, grabbing Ben’s arm, pulling him up out of his seat.

Gwil frowns, watching Joe drag Ben out of the waiting room, around a corner. He glances over at Rami, who’s watching them both as well. “What the hell was that?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” Rami says. “But uh, let’s wait, alright? Until they’re done. Please?”

Gwil doesn’t answer, just thinks.

“What the bloody hell are you doing?” Ben mutters, pushing Joe off him.

“What are _you_ doing?” Joe asks. “I thought we decided we were all going to talk to him, ask him to stay. And you’re just sitting there, twiddling your thumbs, about to let him walk back out the door to Cologne!”

“I don’t know what to say, Joe,” Ben says. “I— I want to tell him to stay, I want to tell him I— I forgive him, I think, but I can’t make myself say it, I don’t know what’s wrong, I just, I’m scared. I think. I don’t know.”

“Oh my god,” Joe mutters. “At least tell him to stay for supper. Or something. Rami will kill us if we let him leave right now.”

“I—” Ben sighs, shaking his head. “Fine. Fine, you’re right. But Joe, I can’t— I can’t lie to him. Rami’s talked to Felix, that’s important. We can’t hide that. If— we have to tell him. I’ll go if we tell him about Felix. I can’t hide anything else about Roger from him.”

“Okay, done,” Joe says. He grabs Ben’s hand. “Now come on,” he says, leading Ben back towards the waiting room. “We have to get back before—” He stops talking when he sees just Rami standing there. “Are you kidding me,” he mutters.

“I asked him to stay,” Rami says softly. “He told me that he had to go. But that he’ll be back, in a few days. To visit me.”

“Rami,” Joe says. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” He raises his hand to his mouth, looking at Rami sadly.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Rami asks, looking at Ben. “Didn’t you ask him to stay?”

“I’m sorry,” Ben says. “I— wanted to, but I— I couldn’t. What—” He scrubs at his face. “What if I ask him to stay and he still leaves?” he asks. _What if I tell him I love him and he still doesn’t say it back?_

“He won’t,” Joe says softly. “He wouldn’t. Ben, come on.”

“It’s alright, Ben,” Rami says, sniffling. “It’s not your fault. Besides, he said he’ll be back. I’ll make sure of it. We can take him to meet Felix then, and we can all tell him we want him to stay. It’ll be alright. We have time, right?”

“Ben, come on,” Joe says. “Gwil is _waiting_ for you to ask him to stay. And you want him to. So what’s the problem? Just _talk_ to him. Just— you just need to talk to him.”

Ben looks at Joe, then down at his feet. “I have to go,” he says suddenly.

“After Gwil?” Joe asks.

Ben shakes his head. “I just— I need to think. I’m sorry. I’ll be alright.” He looks over at Rami. “I hope Nelly’s alright, Rami. I really am sorry.” He hurries past the two of them, heading out the door, leaving Joe and Rami to just look at each other in confusion.

\+ + + + +

Tears stream down Gwil’s cheeks as he hurries down the street. He wipes furiously at his face and then shoves his hands in his pockets, keeping his head down as he passes by people on the crowded sidewalks of Westminster Bridge. Bloody hell, there are _so_ many people around, he thinks. He feels like he’s suffocating for all the people around, he can barely think. He left, he can’t believe he left. Rami was there, asking him to stay and he just walked out. God, and Ben— Ben didn’t say a word, and— Gwil lets out a broken cry, hurrying along.

Gwil gets on the tube at Westminster Station, and then he finally takes a chance to breathe. He stops where he is, sniffling as he tries to think. Tries to remember the direction, the right station. He knows it’s not long to St. Pancras. He takes a deep breath, sniffling.

But he’s not going to St. Pancras.

\+ + + + +

This part of the city is as quiet as it was when he was here last; not that it’s ever _really_ quiet, but there aren’t so many people around that he wants to scream anymore. He just takes deep breaths, trying to think of his doctor. He’s alright. He’s stressed, he’s sad, he’s scared, but he’s mostly just lonely. Even if it’s his own fault, he’s so lonely all the time. He has been for months. Even when the four of them were as close as can be, he still missed home. He would always miss home. His family.

He sighs, glancing up and down the street before hurrying across. He passes the familiar cafe, the one that Ben had stopped into, keeping straight down the sidewalk. It isn’t long before he reaches the entrance, and he stops. He takes a deep breath, having to gather the courage in him to take the first step in, and then another. He starts down the path, this time ignoring the small map posted at the entrance.

He turns right down one of the paths, heading towards the back corner of the cemetery. He knows exactly where he’s going this time, his eyes don’t catch on the Roberts engraved into the stones. His stomach starts to twist and he feels a bit nauseous, but if he came this close and turned around, he’d just feel stupid, so he keeps going.

Gwil swallows hard, coming to a stop in front of the stone. The two names. The engraved wedding rings. He doesn’t feel as angry this time. He doesn’t collapse to his knees, sobbing. Looking at it, he just feels tired.

He sniffles, and then gently clears his throat. He reaches out, dragging his fingertips along the top of the stone, feeling the roughness beneath his skin. His hand falls down a bit, tracing over the large R. He smiles.

“Hi, Roger.”

Gwil swallows hard, waiting a moment, as if he actually expects Roger to reply to him. Which, of course, he doesn’t. “Long time, no see,” he says softly. He glances around the cemetery and then carefully sits down on the ground in front of Roger and Dominique’s headstone, smiling faintly. “How’ve you been?” he asks. He reaches up, wiping at his face. “Dominique,” he says, “we haven’t been properly introduced yet.” He huffs quietly. “I hadn’t read the letters yet, the last time I was here. Roger tells me how lovely you were, that I would have loved you. You should know, he had nothing but good things to say about you.”

Gwil closes his eyes for a moment, feeling tears start to prickle at his eyes again. “He really loved you,” he says softly. “That used to upset me so much. It hurt, it scared me, maybe. I thought it meant he didn’t love me, to know that he loved you. To know that he’d…all I’d done was think about myself, how much I missed him, how much _I_ was hurting. And then I read those letters and it was as though.” He clears his throat, then sniffles. “I’m so sorry, Roger,” he says. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize how much I’d hurt you. I knew, obviously, I just didn’t…know. You spent years waiting for me.” He smiles sadly, tears spilling over. “I was so upset, you were married in 1945. One year later, but, it wasn’t just a year. You waited. Every day, for years. Until the end. I’m _so_ sorry, Roger. I’m so sorry I didn’t come back.”

Gwil just sits there quietly, thankful that it’s not raining as he sits on the grass, listening to the sounds of the cars on the street, the people walking by on the other side of the wall. There are other people in the cemetery as well, a couple walk by him at one point, but they’re respectful, and quiet. And Gwil just keeps sitting there. He’s not sure what he’s waiting for. So he just starts talking again, rambling quietly to a stone that’s seventy years old. He tells them about Cologne, and how lonely he feels, not just because he’s actually alone but because of the way the other people look at him, like he’s something to be pitied. He tells them about Rami, and how he wishes Roger could have met Joe, because they’re annoying in almost the same exact way, and that Joe looks at Rami like he’s everything he could ever want in the whole world, and Gwil tears up when he says he wishes that Roger could be there on the day they get married because he knows that Roger would love it.

Then Gwil’s quiet for a moment, and when he opens his mouth again, he starts telling Roger about Ben. How Ben had gotten him out of his room, and how he’d found them all a place to live, and took care of them, but never asked for anything in return. How he’s the smartest, and kindest, and most beautiful person Gwil’s ever seen, but that Ben can’t let people tell him that. Gwil’s voice shakes and he cries as he tells him what he did on Roger’s birthday. He tells Roger that Ben’s the person who found his letters in the archives, and that instead of thanking him, he said the most terrible things you could ever say to someone, and watched as all the light went out of Ben’s eyes. Gwil softly sobs, knowing that Roger would hate him for it all. Because they always had fun hating the same people, and Gwil hates himself.

There’s a chill in the late October air and it starts to bite at Gwil just a bit too much. He pushes himself up and wipes at his face with his sleeves, and then clears his throat. He leans down, pressing a kiss to the rough stone, and taps on it a couple times. “I love you,” he says softly, turning to walk away. “Maybe you’ll still be here when I get back.” He keeps his head down as he walks along the path to the entrance, hands in his pockets. He wonders what time the last train leaves back to Cologne. He might end up at St. Pancras overnight. Maybe he’ll make it back to Brussels, and have to finish the trip in the morning. He sniffles. He could pay for a hotel, but he isn’t sure—

“ _Gwil_?”

Gwil stumbles a bit, looking up, eyes wide. “Are you joking?” he asks. “Did you follow me?”

“No,” Ben says, shaking his head. “I— of course not, no. I thought you left. Weren’t you going back to Cologne?” he asks.

“I, well, yes,” Gwil says, glancing back at the cemetery. “Or, rather, I am. Now. I just…what are you doing here?”

Ben shrugs, shifting on his feet. “Same as you, I suppose,” he says. “I…wanted to talk to Roger.” He clears his throat, looking away from Gwil.

“About what?” Gwil asks, then he blinks a couple of times. “I’m sorry,” he says. “That’s not my business. I. No, of course.”

Ben sighs. “About you, obviously.” Gwil’s eyes widen a bit. “I don’t know, I, it’s dumb. I just wanted a quiet place to think and I figured, well, it’s stupid. But just that Roger would…understand.”

“Understand?” Gwil asks, confused.

Ben sighs again. “Yes, understand,” he says, sounding a bit exasperated. “You know. About.” He looks up at Gwil. “He…well, you left him too.” Gwil must make a sound or make a face because _fuck_ that hurts, and Ben takes a step towards him. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

“Don’t be,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “I’ve said far worse to you.” Ben looks away at that, and Gwil just swallows hard. “Don’t let me interrupt.” He moves to walk by Ben and then Ben reaches out, grabbing his arm.

“Maybe _we_ could talk,” Ben says, looking up at him. “Or, no, sorry. I know— you just said you’re leaving, I should…” He slowly lets go of Gwil.

Gwil looks down at him, thinking. He never dreamt that Ben, of all people, would want to talk to him again. He doesn’t deserve it. Even if it’s just Ben shouting at him and crying about how Gwil hurt him, Gwil thinks he’d be alright with that. He just misses him so much. The piece that he didn’t realize he needed until it was gone. If Ben wants to talk, they can talk. “I’d like that,” he says, voice a bit rough. “Here?” he asks.

Ben looks up at him in surprise, obviously having expected Gwil to say no, to turn around and run back to the train station. “Uh, no,” he says after a moment. “Maybe not…where there are so many dead people.” He gives Gwil an awkward smile. “Uh, my flat?”

“I’m not sure if Joe wants me around,” Gwil says.

Ben shrugs. “Rami and Joe went back to crew quarters for the night,” he says. 

“Oh,” Gwil says. “Um, well…yes, alright then. That’s alright.”

“Are you sure?” Ben asks. “I don’t want to make you miss your train.”

Gwil sighs, thinking that he’s probably already missed the last one anyway. But Ben doesn’t need to know that. “No, it’s fine,” he says. “This is more important.”

“Alright,” Ben says, and they turn, walking out of the cemetery together, and Gwil honestly can’t believe it’s happening to him.

\+ + + + +

Ben unlocks the flat and pushes open the door, glancing back at Gwil as he steps inside.

Gwil gives him a polite smile and follows him in, reaching down to untie his shoes, taking them off. He looks around again; even though he was here not that long ago (though it feels like ages, really), he didn’t really get the chance to take it all in, then. This is Ben. This is Ben’s flat. Decorated by him. Lived in by him. “It really is lovely here,” he says, looking over at him. 

“Thank you,” Ben says softly. “Did you want something to drink?” he asks.

“Anything is fine,” Gwil says.

“You must be tired,” Ben says. “I can’t really believe it’s a Friday. I feel like so much has happened today, work seems it like it was a year ago.” He opens the refrigerator door, looking in.

“How is work?” Gwil asks.

Ben shrugs, turning around. He has a beer in one hand and a Coke Zero in the other and Gwil smiles.

“I’ll take that,” he says, reaching out for the black bottle. “It has caffeine, yes?”

“I can make you a coffee,” Ben says, glancing towards the machine, but Gwil just shrugs.

“This is fine,” Gwil says. “Unless it’s your last one.”

Ben shakes his head. “I’ve always got plenty.” He turns around and puts the beer back, grabbing another Coke and then he closes the fridge, walking over towards the sofa. “Oh, are you hungry?” he asks.

Gwil opens the bottle, taking a drink, and the nods. “I am,” he admits, “but it’s fine.”

“Oh, I can order in,” Ben says, “anything you’d like.”

Gwil sits down on the sofa, looking over at him. “Still don’t cook?” he asks.

Ben sighs, gesturing towards the counter where his half-peeled potatoes are still sitting. “Rami and I were making supper earlier, when Leo called. No good now, I guess. I don’t know. But really, Gwil, if you’re hungry.”

“If you are, sure,” Gwil says, just to make Ben feel better.

“Alright,” Ben says softly, taking out his phone. 

Gwil watches as Ben quickly orders something, he doesn’t know what, and he doesn’t ask. He’s not sure if he even still going to be here by the time it gets delivered. When Ben looks up again, Gwil shifts uncomfortably. “So, what did you want to talk about?” he asks.

Ben freezes a bit, and then shrugs. “I…anything,” he says.

“Anything?” Gwil echoes. “That’s— anything at all?”

Ben nods. “Anything at all,” he says. “I know it sounds silly, but I’d— well, I told you I’d been seeing a doctor, and she— well, it’s…I realize, well, I’ve realized for awhile now that maybe we don’t really know each other that well. We’ve never really talked. About anything. I don’t think either of us are very good at it.” He looks away briefly. “Well, I know I’m not, anyway.”

Gwil nods. “You’re right,” he says. “We’re not. Not with each other, at least.” He sighs.

“And I just know that if we’d talked more about—” Ben hesitates a moment, “about Roger,” he says, looking away again, “or about Paul, then maybe we would have understood each other better.”

Gwil nods again. “You’re right,” he agrees. “We— I was never really honest. With you or myself or anyone, and I’m sorry. We should talk. About anything.”

Ben looks over at him nervously. “If I’d told you that Paul used to tell me I was…dumb, and worthless, maybe you would have known why I’m always alone, why it was so hard to open up to you. Or anyone. Why I finally felt useful when I could help you.” He looks away, taking a drink, regretting not taking the beer now.

Gwil can feel his bottom lip start to tremble, trying not to cry as he listens to Ben.

“And maybe…” Ben bites down on his lip, his hands starting to shake where he’s clutching at his drink. “If I’d told you how insecure I felt, after being with you, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like I had to hide your letters.” he says quietly, staring at something off in the distance, unable to look at Gwil.

Gwil starts to feel just a bit nauseous, a pit of guilt weighing heavily in his stomach. “If I told you it was Roger’s birthday, if I was honest with you about everything, we never would have gotten into this mess to begin with.” He knows it’s all his fault, knows he’s to blame for all that’s happened. He needs Ben to know that too.

Ben makes a soft noise, and takes another drink, looking away.

Gwil doesn’t know what else to say. He doesn’t know why he’s here. He’d been so sure that Ben brought him here to yell at him. To tell him how much he hates him, and that yes, maybe he missed him, but that Gwil couldn’t just _show up_ whenever he wants and pretend like nothing’s changed. He expected Ben to tell him that he never wants to see him again, that this was goodbye, forever, and Ben would never think of him while he’s gone. This has already gone so differently from what he expected, he hasn’t been yelled at or hit once, so he has no idea what to do now. 

He figures this has gone differently than what Ben expected as well. Thinks that maybe Ben is thinking the same thing as him right now. He really has no idea. About any of it. What Ben expects or wants or hopes from him, if anything. But he has to ask. He has to know. Now that he’s here, this might be his only opportunity, and for once, he’s going to stop being a coward and just take it.

“So,” Gwil says, finally breaking the silence, and Ben looks over at him in surprise. “Should I stay?” he asks.

Ben takes a drink and then nods. “Yes, of course,” he says. “It’s late, and the trains…well, it’s such a long trip back, even if you did manage to catch the last one. You can stay here, on the sofa. I promise it’s comfier than it looks. Comfier than yours was, anyway. Besides, our food isn’t even here yet.” He gives Gwil a faint smile.

Gwil shifts on the sofa, swallowing hard. He leans over, setting his drink down on the coffee table, and then wipes his hands nervously on his trousers. “No, Ben, I— I meant…” He trails off, biting down on the inside of his lip. “I meant, should I _stay_.”

Gwil has no idea how much time passes; it could be one second, it could be a minute. He sits there on edge, watching Ben. Ben’s clearly thinking, but Gwil honestly has no idea what he’s about to say. He convinces himself that it’s a yes, of course Ben wants him to stay, he still loves him, he wants them to have a second chance, or a first chance, really, one where they don’t fuck it up. But then just a split second later he’s convinced him that it’s no, that Ben will tell him to go, that he should go back, they can’t do this, they can’t be like this, they’re both far too screwed up, but Ben at least has a chance of being fixed, and Gwil never will, and Gwil’s heart breaks a bit, and honestly then he convinces himself he doesn’t deserve Ben anyway. Well, no, he’d known that for awhile, and he finds himself hoping that Ben will tell him to leave because he only wants Ben to have the good things, the best things, and that’s not Gwil, Gwil’s sick, and broken, and old, and Ben is sweet, and beautiful and—

“Yes.”

Gwil feels like all the air’s been sucked out of the room, like there’s something pressing on his chest, and he just stares at Ben. “Yes?” he repeats, just to be sure he’s understood, and his voice is shaky, he— he doesn’t believe it and—

Ben looks over at him, nodding. “Yes,” he says again, and his voice is shaking as well, just a bit, but Gwil can hear it. He swallows hard. “You should stay.” 

Ben almost can’t believe that the words came out of his mouth. He said it almost without thinking, but that’s not really true. He said it because it’s true, he _wants_ Gwil to stay. And he wants to be done with lying. So badly. He wants to just be honest with Gwil, and even if Gwil leaves now, at least Ben knows it’s not because he lied to him. 

“I should stay?” Gwil repeats, and Ben can’t tell what the tone in his voice is. All of a sudden, it reminds Ben of when they slept together, that uncomfortable uncertainty right before Ben realized Gwil meant to leave him. Ben’s not sure if Gwil’s going to leave now or not, and suddenly, even though he wants to be honest, suddenly Ben feels embarrassed that he’s asked. 

“Yes,” Ben says, nodding. He wants to try to save face, so immediately he says, “it will kill Rami if you go and I can’t watch that happen.”

“Oh,” Gwil says flatly, and he looks away when Ben looks at him. 

Ben can read that tone, he knows what Gwil’s feeling now. Gwil’s as unsure as Ben is about this entire thing, and both of them are just waiting for the other person to reach out. And Ben hates that it has to be him, not because he doesn’t want to, but because he’s worried about what that means about him. Paul hurt him, and he stayed with him. Gwil hurt him, and now Ben’s about to reach out to him too. Ben has to decide if Gwil’s the same type of person as Paul, or if he can get better. _Be_ better. Paul never once apologized for the things he did to him, but Gwil has, and more than once. And just because Ben asks him to stay doesn’t mean Ben owes him anything, or that Gwil owes him. Ben can ask him to stay without asking him to stay _for him_. He wants to, though.

“And me,” Ben says. Gwil’s eyes widen a bit, and Ben shifts under the weight of his stare. “It will kill me, too. Rami said you’re doing this because you think it’s what we want, but it’s not what we want. We want you to stay.” He swallows hard, trying to think of what to say, and then just as he opens his mouth to speak again, the buzzer goes off. They both startle, and Ben sighs, pushing himself up, walking over to the door. He buzzes the delivery man in and then a few moments later, there’s a knock at the door and Ben opens it. He smiles his thanks and takes the bags from him, bumping the door closed with his foot. The food smells good, but Ben’s not really hungry anymore. He looks over at Gwil, and he doesn’t look that interested in it either. Ben walks over and sets it down on the kitchen table. He turns and looks at Gwil, who’s watching him back. “Hungry?” he asks. Gwil just shakes his head, and Ben scoffs. “Yeah, neither am I.”

Ben sighs and pushes the food away a bit, then walks back over to the sofa, sitting back down next to Gwil. He looks over at him, and sighs. “Gwil, I…don’t know if— how any of this is going to go. I—” He swallows hard. He needs to say it; he knows it’s going to hurt Gwil but he has to say it. 

Gwil shifts a bit closer to him, and Ben feels a wave of heat rush over him before he decides to keep speaking.

“I want you to stay,” he says again. “And I don’t know if we can ever be something, or if this is it, but I know that if you _ever_ talk to me like that again.” He pauses, and he feels a bit ill at the look on Gwil’s face, “I…this is over. Whatever it is between us, friends, more, I don’t— I’m not going to sit around and let you treat me like that. I let Paul do it, and I’m done. I— can’t do it again, not even for you.”

Gwil nods. “No, of…course. I. Ben, I am truly sorry. I know you don’t, god, why would you believe me, I hurt you so much. But I promise, I will never behave like that again. Not to you, or anyone. I— I’ve never…it’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. And I’m so sorry.”

Ben nods, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “But if you’re trying to get better,” he continues, “if you _want_ to get better, then none of that means a thing if you leave. Look, I _know_ things can get hard. And sometimes it would be easier to just run away. I mean, I moved to London— you asked me why I work for the IIS. I work for them because the other jobs I was offered were too close to Paul, or too close to my parents. I needed London to make a fresh start so I _get_ it. So maybe you can stay in Cologne, and work for the IIS, help the new crew members, and live your life. I’m not saying you have to come to London, if that’s not what you want, and honestly I’m not sure that London’s the best place for you. But _yes_ , you should stay. Please don’t leave. Please stay. With us. All of us.” Ben blinks a couple times, surprised that he’s said so much, not sure if it any of it made sense or was appropriate, but he said it, and now Gwil’s heard it.

Gwil watches Ben, blinking a couple times, a bit of a shocked, unsure look on his face. “I…uh.” He clears his throat, and Ben’s heart sinks.

“I know I can’t ask you to stay,” Ben says, “I’m sorry.” He looks away, shifting away from Gwil on the sofa.

Gwil watches him for a few moments longer, and then he smiles faintly, shaking his head in disbelief. “Well, I— huh.” He shakes his head again and reaches up, pushing his fingers through his hair.

Ben looks over at him, sure that Gwil’s about to tell him he can’t stay, just like he’s told Rami over and over, and he prepares himself to hear it. All of this was for nothing. Ben's fears were right: he asked him to stay, and he’s still leaving.

“Are you going to be the one to tell Hartstone, then, or am I?” Gwil asks, and Ben draws a quick breath, looking over at him with eyes wide. “Because honestly, she scares me a bit.”

“Are you joking?” Ben asks before he can think to stop himself.

Gwil smiles awkwardly, and then shrugs as Ben just keep watching him. “Sorry, that wasn’t funny,” he says quietly, shifting.

“Gwil, I…” Ben swallows hard, and then slowly smiles. “Are you joking?” he asks again.

“No,” Gwil says. “I— if you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”

“Really?” Ben asks. “Gwil, if you— I can’t ask you to stay, I—”

“I wanted you to ask,” Gwil says. “I was waiting for you to ask.”

“Gwil, I can’t—” Ben starts, but Gwil just shakes his head.

“I know,” Gwil says. “I think we’ve still got awhile to go before…any of that. Any of it. But Ben, I— I thought you didn’t, I thought you wanted me to go. I hurt you so much, I thought you were happy to see me go. I thought you were _all_ happy and I—” He smiles sadly. “I don’t want to go,” he says softly.

“Then don’t,” Ben says, reaching out to squeeze Gwil’s hand. “Stay for all of us. Because we all want you to stay.” 

“Okay,” Gwil says. “I’ll stay. I’m staying.” He smiles, shaking his head in disbelief. “God, I— I have nowhere to stay,” he says, voice shaky. “I— we don’t have our flat in Perth, and if I—”

“It’s alright,” Ben says. “We can figure all that out in the morning,” he says. “We’ve got time.” He smiles. 

“All the time in the world,” Gwil says softly.

Ben nods. “I can help,” he says. “Me and Joe both. I promise.”

“Thank you,” Gwil says.

Ben carefully slips his hand from Gwil’s, and pushes himself up from the sofa. “Let’s just get some rest, okay? I’ll find you something to sleep in.” He walks into his bedroom, flicking on a light. He goes over to his dresser, digging through until he can find a shirt, and then grabs a pillow and a blanket from his bed. He walks back out into the living room, handing it all over to Gwil. “You’re alright out here?” he asks.

Gwil nods, taking the small pile from Ben, setting it down beside him. “Yes, thank you.”

“Alright,” Ben says, nodding. “Uh, whatever’s in the bathroom, you can use. Food, if you’re hungry. I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

“Goodnight, Ben,” Gwil says, and Ben waves back at him as he walks towards his room.

“Night,” Ben says, and then he stops at his door, glancing back at him. “And we can get Joe to talk to Hartstone for you, if you’d like.” 

Gwil slowly grins, laughing. “He’d be perfect.”

Ben chuckles. “Goodnight.” He slips into his room and glances back one last time. He bites his lip and sighs, closing the door behind him.

\+ + + + +

Joe glances over at Rami, who’s got his phone up to his ear, nodding. “Alright, thank you, Leo,” Rami says. “Yes, I’ll come over to see her soon. Okay, say hello to her. Bye.” He ends the call and looks over at Joe. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s all good,” Joe says, nodding. “She’s okay?”

Rami nods, smiling happily. “She’s okay. They’re leaving soon.”

“Good,” Joe says. He rings the buzzer to Ben’s flat once, waits a moment, and then does it again. After a few more moments, the front door unlocks, and Joe and Rami head into the building. They go up the flight of stairs and then Joe knocks on the door. “We can go over whenever, I was thinking—” He stops talking when the door opens, and he stares up at Gwil in surprise. “Uh…”

“Gwil?” Rami asks loudly.

“Morning,” Gwil says, voice rough with sleep, rubbing at his eyes.

“Am I drea—” Joe glances over at Rami. “What the fuck,” he says softly.

“Come in,” Gwil says, stepping back from the door, letting Rami and Joe walk past.

Joe’s eyes widen as he looks around, seeing the blankets and pillows on the sofa. He looks at Gwil again, realizing that he’s just wearing boxers and a shirt he’s fairly certain belongs to Ben. He also sees a couple bags of food, unopened on the kitchen table. “Uh, huh, Gwil? Where’s Ben?”

“Bed,” Gwil says, gesturing towards the bedroom door. “He’s not up yet.”

Joe glances over at Rami again, seeing the unsure look on Rami’s face, and he just turns back to Gwil. “What the fuck?” he asks again.

“Nothing happened,” Gwil says, walking back over to the sofa. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I stayed over. Ben and I ran into each other after I left for the train station, and we just…got to talking.”

“I gotta talk to Ben,” Joe says, rushing over to Ben’s door. He knocks on it a couple times and then pushes it open. “Ben?” he calls, closing the door behind him. “Ben, if you’re naked, I’m going to ask you to stay under the blankets, I’ve got a boyfriend.”

Ben groans once, and then again, louder, as he wakes up, stretching. “M’not naked,” he mutters, rolling onto his side. “What are you doing here?” he asks.

“Ben,” Joe says, sitting down on Ben’s mattress. “Ben, did you know Gwil’s in your apartment?” he asks, reaching out to shake Ben’s leg.

“Mm, yeah,” Ben murmurs, rubbing at his face. “Let him in.”

“Did you have sex?” Joe asks softly, leaning in towards him.

“What?” Ben asks loudly, lifting his head, finally awake. “ _No_ , Joe, god. We didn’t even kiss, calm down.”

“Okay,” Joe says, sitting back. “Let’s not get _so_ offended, though, like, you know it’s a possibility. I— he left. Right? Am I making this up? And then… _you_ left. You _did_ go after him. You went to the train station?”

Ben finally pushes himself up, leaning against the headboard, and shakes his head. “No,” he says.

Joe frowns. “No?” he echoes.

“No,” Ben says again. “I didn’t follow him. I told you, I couldn’t. I was just going to think, I needed some space. So I went…” He trails off and yawns, then clears his throat. “I went to see Roger. I just— I wanted to see him. I don’t know. But Gwil was there too.”

“And?” Joe asks, pressing him.

“And nothing,” Ben says. “I invited him back here to talk. We ordered food.”

“What did he say?” Joe asks. “What did _you_ say?”

Ben shrugs, biting down on his lip. “I asked him to stay,” he says softly. “And he said he’s staying. But it’s—” he shakes his head. “We’re not, it’s not like that.” He smiles faintly though, and Joe grins, leaning towards him.

“Oh?” Joe asks. “It’s not like that?” Ben shakes his head again. “Then why are you smiling so much, Benny?” he asks, playfully shaking Ben’s shoulders a bit.

Ben grins over at Joe. “He’s staying,” he says again softly.

“Like, _staying_ staying?” Joe asks, and Ben just nods. “Oh my god,” Joe says, laughing softly in disbelief. “I…you really asked him to stay.”

Ben nods again. “I did.”

“Fuck me,” Joe says. “I’m…wow. Good for you.”

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Ben says, and Joe shrugs.

“I know,” Joe says. “Well, actually, it means a lot. You asked him to stay. That doesn’t mean you have to be together or anything, but you actually asking him, that’s huge. I’m really happy for you.”

“Thank you,” Ben says softly, and Joe leans in, pulling Ben into a hug.

Out in the living room, Rami is standing in front of the sofa, looking warily down at Gwil. “What’s going on?” he asks softly, and Gwil looks up at him, patting the space next to him. Rami sighs and carefully sits down next to him.

“I was going to go back to Cologne last night,” Gwil says. “But I…I just needed to think. I just need a minute. And I ended up going to see Roger. And Dominique.”

“Oh, Gwil,” Rami says softly.

“No, don’t worry,” Gwil says. “It’s not as bad as all that. I just— I know they’re not _there_ , it was just— I wanted to talk to myself, and it’s easy to do that in a cemetery. Everybody does it there. And it helped. It…it felt better than the last time I was there, anyway. I wasn’t as angry this time.”

“Good,” Rami says. “But how did you end up here? If you needed a place to stay, you could have called _me_ , you know,” he says, sounding a little hurt.

“I know,” Gwil nods. “And I would have, but…after I was done talking to Roger, I left the cemetery and…there was Ben. Right there. Same idea as me. Talk to Roger.” He smiles faintly. “And then instead, he said he wanted to talk to me. So we came back here. And no, nothing happened. We talked, and…we just went to bed.”

“You talked?” Rami asks. Gwil nods. “And? So? What— what about?” he asks, trying to keep the eagerness out of his voice.

Gwil smiles, and then looks away for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Rami,” he says gently.

“Please, Gwil,” Rami says, reaching out to take Gwil’s hand. “Please.”

Gwil looks back up at him. “I was going to say,” he says carefully, “that if you can forgive me for wanting to leave you, I do think I’d quite like to stay.”

Rami looks at Gwil for a moment, and then grins, letting out a happy squeal as he throws himself at Gwil, wrapping his arms around him.

“Oof,” Gwil groans, squeezing Rami tightly. “So, is that a yes?” he asks.

Rami pulls back, nodding eagerly. “Of _course_ it’s a yes. Gwil, I— I’ve always wanted you to stay. I know why you wanted to leave, and I know that it’s hard, and it might still be hard, but all four of us together, we can fix it. We can make it better, I promise. Oh, Gwil. You’re staying? Really? With me?”

Gwil nods. “I am,” he says. He sniffles a bit. “There was no one like you on that crew. No one like you anywhere. I would’ve had an absolutely terrible time.”

Rami grins at that.

“But Rami, I…” Gwil takes a deep breath, looking away for a moment to gather his thoughts. “I want to apologize.” Rami opens his mouth to speak, but then Gwil looks up at him and just by the look on his face, Rami knows to not say anything, knows that this is something Gwil needs to get out. “Rami, you mean everything to me,” Gwil says. “And I know that I don’t show you that. I know I’ve been awful to you. Since we got back, this whole… You’re my best mate, you’re more than that, you’re like a brother to me and I…kept hurting you. And then I tried not hurting you, and it just made things worse. I— I really thought that…this was for the best. I thought you’d be happier without me gone. That it’d be easier for you. I just wanted to help you and Joe stay together, and stay mates with Ben without worrying about me. I thought eventually you’d stop missing me, and I never really…I didn’t want to let myself think that you’d miss me forever. Because part of me did want to go. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought I deserved it. And I didn’t want you to stop me.”

Rami watches Gwil for a moment, and he reaches out, taking Gwil’s hand. “Well,” he says softly, “from now on, we’ll have to start talking about what’s actually right for me, and who gets to decide that.”

Gwil smiles down at their hands together, and then looks back up at Rami. “I’ve been terribly selfish. I know that…well, Ben asked me to stay last night. And I said yes, but I don’t want you to think that I’m just staying for him. Or that you’re not enough for me. I love you more than anything. I’ve just been…so confused, I think. I just couldn’t imagine that you really wanted me to stay. You’re the kindest person I know, Rami, and I just…you deserve better than a mate like me. But then Ben, asking me to stay too, it was like…I wanted him to ask, yes, of course. I wanted him to be at the train station when I left. I wanted him to tell me to stay. But once he asked me to, it was as though I realized that…Ben’s a good person. And you are. And Joe is. God, even _Joe_ asked me to stay yesterday. Can you believe it?”

Rami laughs a broken laugh, and nods, eyes filling with tears as he watches Gwil, a smile on his face.

“So, you asked, and Joe asked, and then finally, Ben asked too,” Gwil says. “And then it was…” He reaches up, wiping at his eyes as tears start to spill over. “The three people I care about most in the world, the three best people I know, they all care about me too.”

“Of course we do,” Rami says, leaning forward to pull Gwil into another hug. “Of course we do.”

“So once he asked,” Gwil says, resting against Rami, “I knew that it wasn’t you just lying, or Joe asking me for you. I realized that maybe you— maybe I _should_ stay.” He sniffles, closing his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I was wrong to sign up, Rami. I was wrong to ever want to leave you. You’ve done nothing but stay by me, and I repaid you terribly. I am sorry. Please, forgive me. If you can. I know I’ve had to ask so much of you, but I promise, this is— I’m going to get better now. I’m going to try. I’m done running away.” He sniffles, and then laughs softly.

“What is it?” Rami asks, pulling back.

“Nothing,” Gwil says, still laughing. “It’s just…well, technically I have to run away from the Mercury now,” he says. 

Rami laughs too, wiping at his eyes.

“But _after_ that,” Gwil says, smiling. “After that. I promise. I’m going to keep seeing my doctor. I’m going to start taking medication, and I’ll— I’ll do all that mindfulness stuff they ask of me, and I’ll keep doing my anger reader. Anything you want.” He shakes his head. “God, am I going to have to find _another_ doctor?” he mutters to himself.

“Why?” Rami asks. “What’s wrong with your doctor in Perth?”

“Nothing,” Gwil says. “It’s just a long commute for an hour-appointment, isn’t it?”

Rami frowns. “A commute?” he repeats. 

“Yes,” Gwil says, “you and Joe are moving here, aren’t you?”

Rami nods. “Yes, but we can get our flat back in Perth, if you’d rather. Live there together. I don’t mind.”

Gwil smiles at him. “Maybe we should ask Joe what he thinks,” he says. “Because you two, I mean, you two should be living together, and I think that Joe rather likes London right now. And I’ll go wherever you want me to go.”

“Gwil,” Rami says. 

“No, it’s alright,” Gwil says. “I…I’ll be honest. I don’t know that London is where I should be forever. But I don’t think Perth is, either. And for right now, I’d like to be with you. If that’s alright. I— I don’t know if I can be alone right now.”

"You don’t have to be,” Rami says. “I know it might be hard, but we can all get better. With all of four us together, it’ll be alright. We belong together, do you see that now?”

Gwil opens his mouth to answer and then looks up when the door to Ben’s bedroom opens, and Ben and Joe slowly walk out, looking over at them. “Yes,” Gwil says, turning back to Rami. “Yes, I do.”

Rami smiles, and then glances back at Joe and Ben, who are watching them. “Gwil’s going to stay in London for awhile,” he announces happily.

“In London?” Joe echoes. “That’s—” He looks over at Ben, who’s smiling. “I think that’s great.”

\+ + + + +

The four of them sit at together at Ben’s kitchen table; Rami and Joe already ate breakfast in crew quarters, so they sit there while Ben and Gwil eat their food from the night before. Rami’s dragged his chair as close to Gwil’s as he can get, resting his arm on the back of Gwil’s chair, telling him about Nelly, and that Leo and the doctors say she’ll be alright, she’ll really be fine, she’s going home, and Gwil nods as he chews, giving Rami a happy smile when he can, telling him how happy he is for him. He promises he’ll have that dinner with Nelly, and meet all of Rami’s family, finally. Rami just beams at him, and Ben and Joe smile at each other as well.

Joe looks around, taking in the pillow and bedsheets on the sofa. He still has a _little_ trouble believing that Ben and Gwil didn’t sleep together, after everything, but if Ben says they didn’t, then he guesses they didn’t. And Gwil…well, maybe with Gwil staying now, Joe can start to warm up to him again. Maybe he can try believing what Gwil says too. He studies Gwil for a moment, again taking in the fact that he’s wearing a shirt of Ben’s, and then frowns. “Your stuff,” he says, and Gwil stops looking at Rami to turn to Joe. “Where—I mean, what are we going to do about your stuff?” he asks.

Gwil looks down at Ben’s shirt he’s wearing, and then slowly shrugs. “I, well, I’ll have to go back to Cologne and get it, I suppose. I don’t really know.”

“We can go!” Rami says. “The four of us. We can all go this morning and bring back what we can. You don’t have too much, do you? I think the four of us could manage.”

“Oh,” Gwil says. He looks around at the three of them before looking down at his plate. “I…can’t ask that, of any of you. Not after—I can get it myself.”

Joe glances over at Ben, who’s watching Gwil, a bit of a sad look on his face. Joe sighs, then straightens up. “Dude, it’s like what, three hours each way?” he asks.

“Less than that,” Gwil says.

Joe shrugs. “Okay. So, let’s go then.”

Gwil looks up at him in surprise. “Really?” he asks. “You don’t mind?”

“No way,” Joe says. “I mean, come on. I’ve helped you move before, you’re not exactly a guy with a lot of stuff. Between the four of us, sure, it’d probably only take a couple hours.” He glances at his watch. “You get dressed, we leave now, I don’t know, we’ll be back by seven, eight tonight at the latest. No biggie.”

Rami grins at Joe, and then turns back to Gwil. “If you try to do it all yourself, it will just be trouble. We can do it today, and get you settled in…” He frowns a bit at that, thinking. “Where are you going to stay, though?” he asks.

Gwil looks over at Ben. “I, uh, well, I don’t know, really,” he says, chuckling a bit. “I’m sort of homeless, aren’t I?”

“You can stay here,” Ben says quickly, and Joe looks at him, a bit of a smirk on his face. “For—I know it’s not much, but for a few nights, I’m sure it’s alright. If the sofa wasn’t too uncomfortable.”

“You can stay in crew quarters,” Rami says. “With Joe and I, until we get our flat. Then you can stay with us there too. And we can help you find a place of your own, that’s no trouble.”

Gwil smiles faintly, picking at his plate with his fork. He reaches up, rubbing the back of his neck, taking a deep breath.

“Gwil?” Rami asks softly, reaching out to carefully rub Gwil’s shoulder. “Are you alright?”

Gwil nods, then rubs at his eyes, and in an instant he turns to Rami, wrapping his arms around him as his shoulders start to shake. 

“Oh, Gwil,” Rami says softly, rubbing Gwil’s back. He looks over at Joe and Ben, a bit of a helpless look on his face. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

Gwil just sniffles, clutching at Rami’s back, and Joe and Ben sit sort of frozen in their seats, not sure of what to do or say, while also knowing it’s not fair to just let Rami bear the brunt of Gwil’s emotions.

“Gwil?” Joe asks, reaching out to him. He gets a thankful look from both Ben and Rami in return. “I know it’s hard, okay? I mean, you thought your life was going one way, and it—it didn’t. I’m sure finding a place to live in London was the last thing you thought you’d be doing right now. But we can help, okay?”

Gwil swallows and pulls back shakily, wiping at his eyes as he looks over at Joe. “It’s not that. Well, it _is_ , but, it’s not just that.”

“What is it?” Rami asks, softly running his fingers through Gwil’s hair.

“Why are you helping me?” Gwil asks. He sniffles and lifts his head, looking at Rami. “Why are you still—you’re being so kind. I left you, I _hurt_ you.” He glances over at Ben. “All of you.”

Ben looks away for a moment, shifting under Gwil’s gaze.

Rami sighs. He looks over at Joe, who’s just watching him with an unsure look on his face. Rami’s said it all before, every time he told Gwil that he was going to be there for him, every time he begged him not to leave. There’s only so many times he can tell Gwil, and if Gwil won’t believe it, what else is Rami suppose to do?

“Because we all deserve a fresh start,” Joe says finally. He glances over at Ben, who gives him a tiny nod, and then Joe swallows hard and continues. “None of us want to see you hurt, Gwil. You hurt us and we’re going to work on moving past it, _together_. Because…” He pauses for a moment. “That’s what friends do, I guess. And I’m sure other people would just leave you to fend for yourself and would’ve let you fuck off on the Mercury. But you’re lucky that you just happened to find three of the best people currently on Earth—”

Ben snorts at that, rolling his eyes. Rami just smiles.

“Who are…” Joe trails off. “Honestly, I’m just tired of the drama. And the anger, and the tears, and the fighting. So, I’m being kind because it’s the right thing to do, and someday, I’m going to need you too, and I hope that you’ll be there for me.”

Gwil sniffles, and nods. He pulls himself out of Rami’s arms, and looks down at his lap, twisting his ring nervously. “I’m so ashamed,” he says softly.

“Okay, good,” Joe says.

“Joe!” Rami exclaims.

“What?” Joe asks, shrugging. “It _is_ good! You know who’s not ashamed? Assholes. Who think they’ve done nothing wrong. Who just hurt people and get off on it and blame everyone around them but themselves.”

“Paul,” Ben says softly.

“Exactly!” Joe says. “Like Paul! If Gwil’s ashamed, that means he knows he fucked up. We can work with that. Like, sorry to say, but I feel a lot better knowing that he feels guilty. It means he wants to get better and that he doesn’t want to do it again.”

Gwil nods. “I do want to get better,” he says. “I never want to behave like that again.”

Joe shrugs. “Alright then, cool. I’m not going to pretend he’s like, some helpless little kid who doesn’t know right from wrong. He’s an adult, he fucked up, it happens every day. Gwil, stay in therapy. Ben, you too, I swear to god.”

Ben and Gwil smile at each other across the table.

“Rami, what about you?” Joe asks. “Therapy, you in?”

Rami pauses for a moment, and then shrugs. “I did like going with Gwil,” he says. “It feels helpful.”

“Great, let’s all start therapy,” Joe says. “We’ll all start therapy and we’ll all stop lying and we’ll all stop being assholes and we’ll all go to Cologne today and pack Gwil’s shit. Yes?” he asks, looking around at the three of them. Rami grins, and Joe smiles back. “Rami, I know you’re getting super turned on right now because of how I’m taking control—”

“I can’t take this,” Ben mutters, pushing himself back from the table.

“But just try to hold it together for a little while, okay?” Joe asks, continuing on, ignoring Ben. He winks at Rami. “Maybe we can hook up on the train.”

Gwil snorts a bit at that, turning away from Joe and Rami.

Rami just smiles and leans towards Joe, taking his hand. “Thank you,” he says softly.

Joe smiles back and nods. “I love you,” he says. “So, Gwil,” he says, looking over at him. “What’s next for you?” he asks.

Gwil just shakes his head. “Telling Hartstone I’m not going, I suppose.”

“What about after that?” Joe asks. “Any ideas?”

Gwil shakes his head again. “No, but…I’m sure something will come to me.” He takes a bite of his food, chewing it slowly.

\+ + + + +

After Ben and Gwil shower, and get dressed, they head to St. Pancras together, buying four tickets on the next train to Cologne. They sit together, Ben and Joe beside each other, across from Rami and Gwil, who are facing them across a small table. Joe doesn’t have a deck of cards this time, so it’s mostly just making small conversation. Rami is practically giddy, chatting animatedly with Gwil about anything he can think of; films, plans for the future, Christmas in New York, showing Gwil the same photos of flats that he and Joe are looking at that he showed Ben. Between Joe and Ben, the conversation eventually ends up being about work. When Ben quietly admits that he’s still not sure if he can work for the IIS anymore, Gwil and Rami obviously overhear them, as their conversation stops mid-sentence, and they look over at him.

“Ben,” Joe says softly. “Please think this through, before you make a mistake.”

“I know,” Ben says. “I—and it’s like Rami said, maybe I can help these people, and Hartstone won’t care if I leave or not, this happens either way. But I don’t know…how I’m supposed to live with myself if I help this happen.”

“Ben, the IIS means a lot to you,” Joe says. “What—what do you do if you don’t work for them?” he asks.

Ben glances over at Gwil, and then shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says. “I mean, I’m the youngest, if Gwil and Rami can start their lives over, why can’t I?” he asks.

“No one’s saying _that_ ,” Joe says. He sighs, drumming his fingers on the table. “I just…no, if this isn’t what you want to do, this isn’t what you should do. But I think as a good friend first I have to tell you to think this through and please don’t just quit. Okay? Maybe talk to your doctor first. Or HR. Maybe there’s another department for you? One that isn’t…this.”

Ben nods, looking down. “Alright, I promise,” he says.

Gwil gently clears his throat, and the other three all look at him. “I…speaking of that,” he says. “And quitting.” He glances over at Rami, then down at the table. “I’m quitting.”

Joe frowns. “Uh, yeah buddy, we know.”

“No, not that,” Gwil says. He sighs. “I’m—I’m not working for the IIS anymore. Ever again.”

“Gwil,” Rami says softly.

“No, it’s fine,” Gwil says. “I—it has nothing to do with you, or this. Please, if you want to keep working for them, do it. That’s fine by me and I want you to be happy, I just…I don’t think it makes me happy. I guess I’m…retiring.” He smiles faintly and looks over at Ben. “When we came back, that was alright. You—you said, that was alright, yes?” he asks.

Ben nods. “I did, yeah. That’s—if you’re sure, yeah. Then I can help. I can talk to HR and we can…well, you still have to talk to Hartstone, you know.”

Gwil looks down at that. “Yes, I know,” he says. “I was…hoping, well, no, wondering, if you would.” He gently clears his throat. “Come with me?” he asks. “When I tell her.”

Joe looks at Ben, who appears to be thinking for a moment, before he finally nods in agreement.

“Yes, of course,” Ben says. “We can talk to her, then go see HR together. It’ll be alright.”

“Thank you,” Gwil says softly.

Joe and Rami smile at each other across the table, as Ben just nods.

\+ + + + +

Just as Gwil predicted when he left, Rami spends the entire time they’re in the Chunnel talking about what a feat of engineering it must have been, how he’d love to have been a part of something like that. He looks out the window to study what little of it he can see, and then once they’re through it he takes out his phone, reading as much about it as he can, reading articles about it aloud to Gwil and Ben and Joe as if it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen, like he didn’t just spend a year in space. They all listen and nod along, and when Ben looks over at them, Joe and Gwil are each just watching Rami with a proud smile on their faces.

Rami and Gwil start talking again, and even though Ben’s mostly looking out the window, he hears Roger’s name mentioned, and he straightens up a bit, glancing over at Joe. Ben knows it’s not his responsibility to tell Gwil about Felix, it should be Rami’s, but…

Ben takes out his phone and types a short message out, sending it. He hears the notification on Rami’s phone, but Rami doesn’t look at it. Ben gently clears his throat once, then again, and when Rami glances over, he nods down at his phone.

Rami frowns and takes out his phone, reading the single word. “Oh,” he says softly. He puts his phone back down, and then looks back at Gwil.

“What’s wrong?” Gwil asks.

“Nothing,” Rami assures him, nothing’s wrong. “I just…I— well, we need to talk to you. I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I’ve— been talking to someone.”

“A doctor?” Gwil asks, a bit confused.

Rami shakes his head. “No, a…friend of a friend. Someone I’d like you to meet. I haven’t even met him yet, we just spoke on the phone.”

“Who?” Gwil asks. “I—”

“Felix,” Rami says softly.

It’s like all three of them are holding their breath, waiting to hear what Gwil’s going to say. They all know and trust that Gwil has gotten a bit better, that he’s working on his anger, but they genuinely don’t know how he’s going to respond.

“Felix?” Gwil repeats. “Roger’s…son. That Felix. _That_ Felix?”

Rami nods. “Yes, I— Joe and I found him. He lives in London. I called him. I want to meet him. And he wants to meet us too.”

“But why?” Gwil asks.

“Well, honestly,” Rami says, “at first, it was because I thought that meeting him would help convince you to stay. If he could tell you what it was like for Roger, without you, I thought you’d feel too guilty to go. But after speaking to him, I— I just really want to meet him for myself. I know, I suppose I can’t make you go, but I’d like you to know that I plan on meeting him, and I’d very much like it if you came with me.”

Gwil reaches down, twisting his ring around his finger. “How old is he?” he asks.

“Ninety-two,” Rami says. “He lives alone, in a retirement village in London. Rory lives in France, but he says she wouldn’t know as much about us anyway. Felix is the one who gave the IIS your letters.”

“Our letters,” Gwil says softly. He looks over at Ben and Joe, and then back at Rami. “I would…he knows, then. If he saw the letters, he read them, he knows…who I am. To Roger.” He feels tears spring to his eyes. “What I was.”

Rami nods, and he reaches out, taking Gwil’s hand. “You don’t have to, Gwil,” he says. “I’m not saying it won’t be hard, to see him. I think it will be— it could be terrible, really.” He chuckles sadly. “But that’s why I’d like to go together. If you’d like. If you would just think about it.”

Gwil swallows hard, sniffling. He looks around at all three of them, taking in the nervous, yet hopeful looks on their faces. He nods once. “I will,” Gwil says.

Rami smiles in relief. “Thank you. That’s all I ask.”

“No, I mean, I will,” Gwil says again. “I’ll go. If you’d like. I’ll go for you.”

“Really?” Rami asks, and Gwil just nods. “Oh, Gwil, thank you,” he says, throwing himself at Gwil, pulling him in.

“Wow,” Joe says under his breath, glancing at Ben.

Ben nods. He admits, he didn’t think Gwil would take it that well, but he’s happy and relieved that he did. He knows actually visiting him won’t be easy, though, seeing Roger’s son, after how guilty Gwil’s felt about leaving.

They transfer in Brussels and take another train the rest of the way to Cologne. Gwil leads them on the short walk to his flat, pointing out a few places as he goes. Where he runs in the morning, where he gets his coffee, his lunch on weekends. But they can all tell he doesn’t sound that interested in it, though they don’t comment on it. Nor do they comment on the fact that they when they get into his flat, they realize that Gwil’s lived there for almost a month now, and there’s nothing personal about it. His bookends, his record player, the photo from Luyten, none of them are out and on display. It could be anyone who lives there. Anyone at all. Or no one. As Rami starts to help Gwil clean up the few things he has out, Ben and Joe look at each other. Seeing his flat, they’re all happy and eager to get him back home.

\+ + + + +

They catch the train back to London, each of them carrying at least one bag. When they get back, they pile it in Ben’s flat, since he’s got more room there than Rami and Joe do in crew quarters. Joe keeps glancing at his watch as it gets later and later, but Rami is sitting next to Gwil on the sofa, chatting happily and showing no signs of stopping or getting tired. Ben gives Joe a sympathetic look and a shrug, until finally Joe sighs.

“Babe, it’s late,” he says. “You wanna…get going?”

“Oh,” Rami says, looking at Gwil. “I—”

“I’ll see you in the morning,” Gwil assures him. “I’ll be right here.”

Rami sighs, shifting on the sofa, looking around. “No, I’d— I’d quite like to stay.”

Joe sighs, head going back a bit. “Babe, it’s a one-bedroom flat.”

“I don’t mind,” Rami says, shaking his head. “You can go back if you’d like, but I want to stay with Gwil.”

“Rami,” Gwil says, “maybe Joe’s—”

“No,” Rami says. “I’ll stay, if it’s alright with Ben.” He looks over at him.

Ben looks at all three of them, and then finally sighs. “Uh, yeah, of course. No, uh. I can find you something to wear.”

“Thank you,” Rami says.

Joe rubs at his face, yawning. “Well, what about me?” he asks.

Rami shrugs. “You can stay too. Oh, it will be lovely! Like a sleepover. All four of us.”

Joe looks over at Ben, a frustrated look on his face. “And where do we all sleep?” he asks.

“You can sleep with Ben, I don’t mind,” Rami says. “I’ll stay out here with Gwil.” He smiles over at him.

“On the sofa,” Joe says flatly.

“On the floor, if I have to,” Rami says. 

Joe just looks at Rami, and then shrugs. “Okay. Alright. Ben, find me some pyjamas too, I guess. Please. Guess we’re having a sleepover.”

Rami grins. “Is anyone hungry?” he asks.

“I’m going to bed,” Joe says. “You yahoos stay up as late you need.”

“I’ll find you a shirt,” Ben says, pushing himself up, going into his room. He gets t-shirts and hoodies and joggers for Rami and Joe, who makes a comment on all the extra thigh room he’s going to have. Ben just rolls his eyes, then goes back to his closet, looking for all the spare blankets he can find. 

Joe kisses Rami and bids them all a goodnight, Ben telling him that he’ll be in after a few minutes. Ben hands the blankets and a couple smaller decorative pillows over to Rami and Gwil, and helps Rami move the coffee table out of the way so that he can start building a bed for himself on the floor.

“Oh, god no,” Gwil says, standing up. “Please let me take the floor, at least. I promise it’s alright.” He starts folding blankets, trying to give himself enough padding on the floor, and Ben takes the cushion off his chair to let Gwil sleep on as well. As Ben is brushing his teeth, he hears Rami ordering food to be delivered. When he steps out to say goodnight, Rami is sitting on the sofa, surrounded by blankets, wearing a too-big hoodie, talking to Gwil about when they go see Nelly together, and how they should take her to one of her favourite restaurants, while Gwil just sits on the floor in front of him, looking up at him, smiling.

“Goodnight,” Ben says, waving at the two of them.

“Goodnight!” Rami says. “We’ll be quiet, I promise.”

Ben grins. “I’m not worried at all, have fun.”

“Goodnight, Ben,” Gwil says, turning to him. 

“Goodnight,” Ben says softly, going into his room. He hears Joe already softly snoring, so he doesn’t turn the light on. As he gently shuts the door behind him, he glances back one last time. He bites down on his lip as he leans against the door. The image of kissing Gwil goodnight, it crossed his mind, but…it feels wrong somehow, to want that. Besides, Ben didn’t ask Gwil to stay so that they could date, he asked him to stay so that Rami could have his best mate back. They still have too much to figure out. But, Ben thinks, at least now they have the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • I genuinely don't know where to start with this because it's the longest chapter yet and it is a lOT.  
> • IMAGINE ALL THE STUFF STILL LEFT TO HAPPEN IN JUST TWO CHAPTERS.  
> • but Gwil is staying! gosh, Gwil is staying. and he is staying for ALL of them.  
> • can you believe that Joe asked him to stay? can you believe that Ben did too??  
> • does anybody actually still like Gwil, who's happy that he's sticking around???  
> • Rami is the happiest person on the planet right now, and he will remain that way forever.


	38. Chapter 38

Come Monday morning, Ben follows up with his promise of speaking to Hartstone with Gwil. Despite offering to go with them, insisting that he can play the rude American card, Ben and Gwil tell Joe that it’s alright, they can go in alone.

When Hartstone comes out of her office, seeing Gwil with Ben, she smiles, happily assuming that Gwil has convinced Ben to sign up for the Mercury with him. As they sit down in front of her desk together, Gwil takes a deep breath, and looks at Ben for reassurance, getting a friendly smile in return.

“I wanted to thank you for the opportunity to join the Mercury II,” Gwil tells her, but in the next breath before she can respond, he quickly continues, “and apologize for wasting your time, but I can no longer go.”

Hartstone’s eyes widen and she asks him if he’s sure, multiple times, and each time, Gwil tells her that yes, he is. He had known going in that she wouldn’t be eager to let him leave the crew; he was still the only original Mercury crew member who had signed up. He was sort of a symbol of legitimacy for the entire mission. That’ll be gone now. 

Ben looks down as Gwil continues to speak; he’d asked him repeatedly if he was sure about retiring from the IIS. Gwil assured him that he was, that this was something he had to do. So, as nervous as he is about it, Ben tries to trusts him.

“I want to thank the IIS for everything,” Gwil says to Hartstone. “My flat, my job, helping me readjust to life here. I appreciate it so much. But,” he pauses, taking a nervous breath and looking over at Ben, “I would like to officially retire as an IIS employee. I just…it’s not for me, anymore.”

Ben immediately speaks up on Gwil’s behalf, worried that once Hartstone starts talking, she’ll somehow convince Gwil to change his mind. Ben says that he’s sure the IIS can help provide him with a retirement package properly befitting his years of service and his unique circumstances, and help him get set-up somewhere. Hartstone seems a little stunned at the idea, but she nods along eagerly, saying “of course, of course,” and tells Ben to help Gwil make an appointment with HR to get it all sorted.

“Thank you, ma’am,” Gwil says, and he stands up, heading out of her office, followed closely by Ben. “I suppose that wasn’t terrible, was it?” Gwil says softly, looking over at him.

Ben shrugs. “No, I suppose it wasn’t,” he agrees. He knows that Hartstone is going to take about five minutes to process the information, and that _somebody_ is going to get yelled at, but he thinks that, at least right now, they’re both safe.

As they walk down to crew quarters, Gwil reaches out to touch Ben’s arm, just briefly. “Thank you,” he says softly, hand warm. “For everything.” 

Ben blushes a bit and nods, before leaving Gwil with Rami, disappearing back upstairs to make the appointment with HR. Or get Joe to do it. He is still sort of his assistant, after all.

\+ + + + +

Feeling a bit happier and lighter since Gwil has decided to stay, Rami decides that yes, he and Joe _can_ afford the flat on Floral Street. It is less than a five minute walk away from Ben’s flat, after all. Plus, there are a couple cinemas very nearby, which is as close as they can get to living on top of one, like Rami wanted after watching _The Shape of Water_. And since it’s also a two-bedroom, that means until Gwil figures out his living situation, he can stay with them comfortably. He also moves around, staying a couple nights a week on Ben’s sofa, to give Joe and Rami a break; Nelly also offers him her guest bedroom every once in awhile, so he’s quite well-taken care of, even though he still feels like he doesn’t deserve it.

The four of them spend a weekend moving Rami and Joe in, decorating and unpacking all of Rami’s books and Joe’s movies, and Gwil thanks them by cooking a housewarming supper for the four of them in the new kitchen. And since they’ve moved into a two-bedroom flat, that Joe feels like could actually be their _home_ , possibly for years to come, he winks at Gwil as he walks by the kitchen to the front door, telling him that he’s just going to the liquor store. He comes back about half an hour later, a large carrier in one hand, a bag in the other.

“Shh,” Joe says, then waves Gwil to follow after him as they walk into the living room, where Ben and Rami are sitting. “Babe?” he asks. He carefully sets the carrier down on the floor, then crouches in front of it, reaching inside. “I’ve got a surprise for you,” he says.

“Oh?” Rami asks, looking up from his phone. “What is—” He gasps a bit when he sees the kitten in Joe’s hands, and he quickly pushes himself up. He reaches out to take it, then steps back. 

“Oh my god,” Ben mutters, laughing in disbelief. 

“Is that—” Rami looks at Joe, then Gwil, then back to the kitten. “Joe.”

Joe smiles, snuggling the cat up to his chest, petting it softly. “This is our new kitty,” he says. “He’s our housewarming gift.”

Rami laughs softly, and then steps over to Joe, gingerly reaching out to run his fingers through the kitten’s dark grey fur. “Oh gosh, she— he?” he asks.

“He,” Joe says quietly. “He’s a he.”

“He’s so pretty,” Rami says. “Does he have a name?”

Joe shakes his head. “Not yet, nope,” he says. “You wanna name him?”

Rami nods happily, then reaches up to wipe at his eyes. “Can I hold him?” he asks.

“Of course,” Joe says, “he’s yours.” He carefully hands the cat over, and he meows softly as Rami takes him, his claws catching a bit on Rami’s jumper. 

"He's _ours_ ," Rami says softly, looking down at him. 

“I can’t believe you got him a cat,” Ben says.

“What?” Joe asks. “My boyfriend wants a cat, I’m gonna get him a cat.”

“He’s beautiful,” Gwil says.

Rami turns, stepping towards Gwil, and Gwil reaches out to pet him softly. “What should I name him?” he asks.

Gwil shrugs, laughing a bit as the cat meows. “Whatever you’d like,” he says, “I don’t know.”

“Don’t ask him.” Joe says, “he named _his_ cat Tiger Lily.”

“Rude,” Gwil says. “Oh, look at him, he’s so pretty.” He smiles and leans down to look him in the face, giving him a gentle kiss on his nose.

Rami laughs softly, then turns and walks over to Ben, carefully sitting on the arm of his chair. “Do you wanna see him too?” he asks.

“I’ve never had a cat before,” Ben says. He reaches up a bit, carefully stroking the cat’s nose, and he smiles. “He’s so soft,” he says. The cat meows and he chuckles. 

“Rami’s never going to let him go, you know,” Gwil says softly to Joe, watching Rami and Ben with him.

“I know,” Joe says, looking over at him. “Isn’t it great?”

“It’s sweet,” Gwil says. “By the way, supper’s almost ready, whenever you are.”

“What should I name him?” Rami asks, rubbing the cat’s back. “I’ve never named anything before. Gosh, if he was a girl, I’d named him Agatha.”

Gwil snorts at that. “Of course you would.”

“Name him that, then,” Joe says. “He’s a cat. He doesn’t know.”

“No, it doesn’t suit him,” Rami says. He carefully lifts the cat up, looking at his face. The cat meows and Rami smiles, cradling him back to his chest.

“Supper, anyone?” Gwil asks. “Just—”

Rami sighs, thinking. “Aggie is short for Agatha…”

“I guess I’ll eat it myself, then,” Gwil says. Ben smiles over at him.

“Let’s name him Augie!” Rami says.

“Augie,” Joe echoes.

Rami smiles, nodding. “I think so. I like it, do you?”

“I love it,” Joe says. “There’s a lot of baseball players named Augie.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet,” Rami says. “Augie.” He smiles, nuzzling the cat’s nose. “Oh, but what about feeding him, and—”

“Don’t worry,” Joe says, walking over, petting Augie’s head. “I’ve got it. Litterbox too.” 

Rami smiles and leans up, giving Joe a kiss. “Thank you, Joe. I love him.”

“I love you,” Joe says, and Ben awkwardly tries to squeeze by them so that he can follow Gwil into the kitchen.

“Come on,” Ben says, “I’ll help you set the table.” 

At supper, they all have to tell Rami that he can’t eat with a cat in his arms or on his lap, and he sadly puts Augie down by his feet. Augie meows, and Rami looks down at him. “Oh, Joe, he’s so sad down there.”

“Clearly I should have waited until _after_ we ate,” Joe says, taking a drink. “Babe, he’s not sad, he’s living his best life.”

“Can he sleep with us?” Rami asks suddenly.

“I, yes, of course,” Joe says. “But I’m not letting a cat watch me while we have sex. He’s gotta be outside the room for that.”

“Oh, Joe, he doesn’t know,” Rami says.

“Non-negotiable!” Joe says, and Ben and Gwil smile at each other.

Despite how much things have improved between all of them, even just in the short time that Gwil’s been back, it’s not perfect. There’s still too much baggage between the four of them that hasn’t been sorted out, and there’s a steady undercurrent of awkward tension, or fear that one of them will say something to offend someone else.

“I really wish you’d let me do the washing up,” Gwil says, looking over at Joe, who insisted on drying the dishes as Gwil washed, while Ben and Rami sit in the living room, watching television and playing with Augie.

Joe shrugs. “You’re the guest. What kind of host would that make me?”

“I’m not a guest,” Gwil says, “I’m—you’re letting me stay here. The least I can do is clean up after supper.”

“Also, people who cooked don’t do the dishes,” Joe says. “You’re lucky I’m _only_ doing the drying, I should kick your ass back into the living room and get Ben and Rami out here to wash, lazy assholes.” He winks when he says it, though, just teasing.

Gwil just frowns, though, looking down at the plate he’s currently cleaning off. “Oh. I see,” he says quietly.

Joe frowns at that. “You see…what?” he asks.

“No, it’s fine,” Gwil says, “I understand.” He tries to shrug it off.

“Really?” Joe asks. “Because I don’t. What are we talking about here?” 

“Which one of them don’t you want me to be around?” Gwil asks. “Or is it both, I suppose.”

“Gwil, that’s not—”

“No, it’s fine,” Gwil says. “You’re right to—to watch me. I can’t really believe you trust me as it is, after what I did to them. It’s fine.”

“Gwil, that’s not what I’m doing,” Joe says. “I’m…honestly just trying to help you wash the dishes. Two people do it, we can back in there quicker. I…man, I don’t think you need to be watched at all hours or anything, if that’s what you’re talking about. You don’t need a babysitter.”

Gwil looks over at Joe, studying him for a moment. “Are you sure?” he asks.

“Sure that I’m not _that_ much of an asshole?” Joe asks. “Uh, yeah, I think so. Uh, Gwil, what—I’m sorry if that’s what you thought, dude, but no, I just…wanted to help.”

“I’m sorry,” Gwil says. He turns back to the sink, handing Joe the plate, and then picking up a glass. “I guess I don’t…quite know how…”

Joe sighs. “Do you think we’ll ever be friends again?” he asks. “Or is this going to be awkward forever?”

Gwil quickly looks over at him. “Me?” he asks. “I—why would you even want that?” he asks. “It’s not like you like me.”

“Do you like me?” Joe asks.

Gwil shrugs. “I…well, yes, I always did. If I didn’t, I would’ve told Rami as soon as I saw the way you looked at him.”

“I’m your least favourite though, aren’t I?” Joe asks. At the look on Gwil’s face, Joe starts to laugh loudly. “Dude, one of them is your best friend in the whole universe and the other one’s the love of your life, I think I’m okay with coming third. I mean, if it helps, you’re my least favourite too.”

Gwil smiles at that. “I…well, yes. I knew that. I _always_ knew that.”

Joe laughs again. “So, okay then. We’ll just…be each other’s least favourites.” He playfully bumps his shoulder against Gwil’s arm. “Is that okay?”

Gwil nods. “It is,” he agrees.

“And no more awkwardness?” Joe asks.

“No more awkwardness,” Gwil echoes. “I promise, I’ll try.”

Joe grins, then drops the dishrag. “Alright!” he says, clapping him on the arm. “Well, you can finish up in here, then. I’m going to go play with my cat.”

Gwil laughs softly. “Alright, fine,” he says.

“Cool,” Joe says. He walks away, then turns back. “Uh, Gwil, I don’t…this probably isn’t appropriate, so forgive me if I overstep my boundaries, but. Rami.”

Gwil frowns, turning around to look at him.

“On my birthday,” Joe continues awkwardly. “I read the letters.”

Gwil nods. “Yes, I—I know. He asked if he could show them to you.”

Joe smiles faintly, probably thinking of that ode to Gwil’s cock he never got to read. “Anyway, I just wanted to say, I’ve always been sorry about what happened to you and Rami. Really, I am. But…reading those letters, I’m really sorry you lost Roger. He seemed…well. You know how he seemed.”

Gwil nods. “Thank you,” he says softly, looking away, briefly closing his eyes. “I really appreciate that.”

“Okay,” Joe says. “And Gwil?” Gwil looks up at him again. “I wouldn’t mind, you know. Hearing more about him. Or your family. I’d…any time you want to talk. We might be each other’s least favourite friend, but we're still friends. I’d still…I still want to be here, you know.”

Gwil smiles at that, nodding jerkily, trying not to cry. “Yes, alright,” he says. “I—thank you. That means a lot.”

Joe watches him for a moment, then nods. He drums his fingers a couple times on the doorframe. “Okay,” he says, turning around, walking towards the living room.

Gwil stares at the empty doorway, tears filling his eyes. He turns back to the sink and sniffles. He grips at the edge of the counter, and his head falls forward just a bit. He can feel the tears about to spill over, he bites down on his lip to keep from crying out and—

“Joe said you needed help in here,” Rami says, walking into the kitchen.

Gwil jumps, reaching up to wipe at his face, turning around. “I—no, that’s fine, I—”

“Are you alright?” Rami asks, walking over to Gwil. “Oh my goodness, did Joe make you cry?” he asks. “What did he say to you?”

Gwil has to laugh just a little at that, and he squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head. “No,” he says softly. “No, I just…I’m still getting used to things.”

“Alright,” Rami says, reaching up to rub Gwil’s arm a bit. “Did you want help?” he asks.

Gwil sniffles and shakes his head. “No,” he says, “you should—you should be with them. God, go play with your cat.”

Rami smiles. “Come on, then,” he says.

Gwil frowns a bit. “But the dishes—”

“This is my flat and I say the dishes can wait,” Rami says. “You shouldn’t keep yourself alone in the kitchen. Besides, Augie wants to see you, come on.” He holds his hand out, looking at Gwil expectantly, until Gwil finally turns and drops the washcloth, walking with Rami back to the living room. Ben and Joe look up from where they’re sitting on the floor, gently teasing Augie with a toy Joe bought. Gwil sniffles and sits down next to them, wiping his face as he watches the cat run around between them.

Rami sits besides Gwil, pressed up against him, leaning his head on Gwil’s arm. “How long do cats live?” he asks suddenly.

Ben and Joe both frown, looking over him, shocked to hear him ask such a thing.

Gwil smiles, turning and pressing a kiss to Rami’s head. “Years and years,” he says. “Don’t worry about that. He’ll be yours forever.”

Joe smiles at Rami. “Hear that?” he says. “Forever.”

Rami smiles, nodding. “I suppose this means you two are a package deal now.”

Joe laughs loudly, nodding. “Oh, hell yeah. So you can’t ever dump me, or I’m fighting you for custody.”

Rami frowns, pretending to think, tapping his finger on his chin. “Hmm, alright then,” he says. “I won’t dump you. I suppose.”

“At least while the cat’s alive,” Ben mutters, picking Augie up, smiling when he meows. “Hi,” he says softly, and he carefully runs his finger over Augie’s little paw. “He’s so sweet,” he says.

Rami looks up, watching Gwil watch Ben. He smiles, then playfully bumps Gwil’s shoulder.

“What?” Gwil asks, glancing over at him.

Rami just shakes his head. “Nothing,” he says. “Just happy is all.”

Gwil grins at Rami, and reaches out to take his hand as they watch Joe take Augie from Ben and tell them he’s about to reenact a scene from something called _The Lion King_.

“You’ll love it, Gwil,” Joe says, “it’s like Hamlet but with—”

“Lions?” Gwil asks.

“See, you got it,” Joe says, holding Augie above his head.

\+ + + + +

When Joe and Ben are at work together, and they wonder what Gwil and Rami are getting up to that day, they usually end up talking about what Gwil’s getting up to with life in general.

“So, what, he’s just not going to work again?” Joe asks, and Ben shrugs. “Like, he had a career before this, right? What’s he going to do?”

“I don’t know,” Ben says. “I’m not sure if he does either. I think he’s just…trying to figure that out for himself.” He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t also curious. He’d like to see Gwil go back to being a professor, but he also understands why that might be difficult for him. He hopes Gwil will be alright, but still worries that Gwil will fall back into his old thoughts and feelings if they don’t find him something to do right away; like if they can’t distract him he’ll spend all his time being sad. So far, Gwil seems okay, though. He and Rami walk around a lot, going to see films, or going to art galleries or museums, and then the four of them almost always end up eating supper together once Ben and Joe are off work.

“What about you guys?” Joe asks one day at lunch, and Ben looks over at him. “I mean, I know you’re not…whatever. But are you thinking about it?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. He _is_ thinking about it, of course. Every time Gwil stays over on his sofa, he thinks about it; it hardly seems like it should be a big deal for him to let Gwil into his bedroom, but it is. And more than that, he’d love for Gwil and him to go on an actual date. Their first one, which seems a bit odd when Ben thinks about everything they’ve been through together. They’re in love with each other, for god’s sake (or so Rami says). But he knows that that might not be what’s best for them just yet. So much still seems up in the air, and they’re both still trying to work on themselves.

Gwil, deciding against finding _another_ new doctor, decides that yes, he will keep commuting to Perth twice a week for his hour-long appointment. He and Rami leave together on Monday and Thursday mornings, Gwil goes to his appointment (which sometimes Rami goes to, sometimes he just walks around the city), and then they get lunch together and come back. Gwil tries to tell Rami that he doesn’t have to come, it’s such a long day, but Rami insists, every time.

At his appointment a couple of weeks after he told Hartstone that he wanted to leave the IIS, his therapist asks Gwil what will make him happiest in life, and what’s a goal that he can start working towards to get there. Gwil smiles at that, and just shrugs. “Right now, I’ve got my three best mates, and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.”

“Is that enough?” she asks him.

Gwil thinks for a moment, and then nods. “I’m figuring it out as I go,” he says. “Right now, a place to live would be helpful. But other than that, I’m brilliant.”

At another appointment, she asks him if he’s considered the possibility of a romantic future with Ben. That had been an appointment Rami _was_ at, and he turned red as Rami grinned.

“Well?” Rami teases, when Gwil doesn’t say anything.

“Oh, stop it,” Gwil mutters, but he’s smiling. “I…think I’ll always love him,” he says carefully, glancing over at Rami, who’s practically beaming at him. “But I know he has a terrible past with boyfriends, and I…contributed to that.” He looks away uncomfortably, twisting Roger’s ring around his finger. “I don’t want to be the one to approach him,” he says. “If we end up together, I want it to be because he wants it, not because he thinks he can’t do any better than me.”

“Oh, Gwil,” Rami says, reaching over to take his hand. “He does want it,” he says softly.

Gwil looks up, giving him a grateful smile. “Maybe someday,” he says, and then he looks back at his doctor, who’s watching him intently. “I ruined so much already. I don’t want to ruin this again.”

\+ + + + +

A few days later, when Gwil finally thinks he might be ready (or as ready as he’ll ever be, anyway), the four of them meet outside Rami and Joe’s flat. They grab a quick breakfast at McDonald’s, at Joe’s insistence, and then walk down the street together a couple blocks to get on the bus. It’s about 35 minutes, and it takes them about as close to Battersea as they can get. As they start to walk towards the building, Gwil falls towards the back of the group, hands in his pocket, a nervous look on his face. All three of them notice it, but Rami’s the one who smiles encouragingly and slows down to walk alongside him.

“Are you worried?” Rami asks, and Gwil nods. “So am I. I wonder what he’s like. I don't think I’ve ever met any one that old before.”

Gwil swallows hard, then lets out a deep, shaky breath. “He’s been alive for the almost the entire time that we were gone. Isn’t that strange to think. Everything we missed, he saw it all.”

Rami blinks a couple times. “I didn’t think of it that way. That’s…scary, sort of.” He looks over at Gwil. “Do you think he’ll like us?”

“He’ll like you,” Gwil says confidently. “Me…I don’t know.”

“Why not?” Rami asks.

Gwil snorts at that. “I— he— all he knows about me is that his father was in love with me. He probably hates me.”

“I don’t think so,” Rami says, shaking his head. He slips his hand into Gwil’s, smiling at him. “I think maybe he loves you too, for being so important to Roger.”

“We’ll see,” Gwil says softly, and Rami squeezes his hand.

“Wow,” Ben says, looking up at the large building. “Is this— this is it?” he asks. “I thought it was a retirement village,” he says.

“Yeah, me too,” Joe says. “Shit. Well, it’s a luxury one, that’s for damn sure.”

Rami nods. “Oh yes, Felix told me all about it. It sounds quite posh.”

They come to a stop in front of the building, standing by one of the gates. Joe looks around, and then finally just shrugs, trying the handle. It opens, and the four of them walk up a small set of stairs. Joe glances around at the other three, who all seem equally reluctant, and he sighs. “Guys, I really think I’m the last one of us that should be knocking here, can one of you get your ass up here, please?”

Rami glances at Gwil, then finally steps up. He nervously bounces up and down on his feet a couple times, and then he finally raises his hand to knock. He looks over at Joe, who gives him a reassuring smile.

Ben shifts a bit closer to Gwil, looking down.

“Are you alright?” Gwil asks softly.

Ben nods. “I’m not sure I should be here,” he replies, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“I want you here,” Gwil says, “so, of course you should be. I understand though, it is a bit…odd.”

Ben snorts at that. “That’s a bit of an understatement, mate.”

Gwil smiles and nods, and they both look forward when the door opens.

“Mr. Taylor?” Rami asks, looking up at the man.

Felix extends his hand to Rami, smiling at him. “Come in, young man!” he exclaims happily. “Call me Felix!”

Rami grins, glancing over at Joe. “I’m Rami,” he says, shaking Felix’s hand, then following him into the flat. 

Joe looks back at Ben and Gwil, smiling as he follows behind Rami.

“It’s okay,” Gwil says to Ben, “you don’t have to come, if you’re more comfortable outside.”

Ben bites his lip then shakes his head. “No, let’s go in,” he says. “He seems nice enough.”

“Alright,” Gwil says. He keeps an eye on Ben to make sure he’s coming along as they walk into the flat, Ben close beside him. 

“And who’s this?” Felix asks, squinting his eyes a bit behind his glasses, looking at Joe.

“Joe Mazzello,” he says, extending his hand to Felix. “I’m Rami’s boyfriend.”

“Oh, really?” Felix says. He shakes Joe’s hand, then looks at Rami. “I read that, I remember. I wasn’t quite sure what my dad meant then, but I guess I know now. And how did you two meet?” he asks.

“Joe works for the IIS, as well,” Rami explains.

“I met Rami when he came back,” Joe says.

“Oh?” Felix says. “And what do you do?”

Joe smiles and shrugs. “Uh, not much. Or a lot. I don’t know. I used to work with the rovers. Now I help Ben, I’m sort of his assistant, when he needs me.”

“Eh?” Felix murmurs. “Who’s Ben?”

Ben gently clears his throat and then raises his hand. “That’s, that’s me, sir,” he says. He steps forward. “I’m Ben. Hardy. It’s a pleasure, sir.”

“Sir?” Felix repeats. “Oh, none of that, son, please! Just Felix is fine, just fine.” He shakes Ben’s hand. “And what do you do?”

“Uh, I’m,” Ben stammers a bit, “I…write policy and procedure. For the IIS. Legal sorts of things.”

“Oh, a lawyer?” Felix asks. “That’s quite clever.”

Ben shrugs. “Uh, I did go to law school, sir, Felix, yes. But no, I don’t practice.” He bites his lip.

“Ben’s the one who found the letters from your father,” Gwil says.

Ben looks up at him, eyes wide.

“Oh, lovely,” Felix says, nodding. “That’s lovely. And if that’s Rami, then that must make you…” He smiles. “My Uncle Gwilym.”

Gwil looks a bit taken aback at that, but after a moment, he smiles nervously and nods. “Uh, yes, I suppose. Just Gwil is fine, though.”

“That’s what my dad called you,” Felix said. “Uncle Gwilym. It’s a pleasure, Gwil.”

“Yes, absolutely,” Gwil says, shaking Felix’s hand.

“Tea?” Felix asks. He turns and slowly walks towards his kitchen. “Go take a seat, I’ll bring it out.”

“Oh, let me help,” Joe says, following after him.

“You didn’t have to tell him that,” Ben says softly to Gwil as he, Gwil, and Rami make their way to Felix’s living room. “I— I didn’t find them, I _hid_ them, and—”

“You found them,” Gwil says. “That’s alright, that’s all he needs to know. Come on, sit.” He sits on the sofa, and looks up at Ben, smiling and gesturing for him to sit next to him.

Rami doesn’t sit, instead starts looking around Felix’s living room at the photos and art hanging on the walls. He smiles, seeing a photo of Roger in sunglasses, standing next to a car, a young Felix on his hip. “Gwil, come look at this.”

Gwil glances at Ben, who nods, and then pushes himself up, walking over to Rami. “Oh, look at that,” Gwil says softly. “I love that.”

“He looks happy,” Rami says, glancing up at Gwil.

Gwil nods. “He really does.”

“Oh, that’s Dad’s Dauphine,” Felix says, slowly walking into the living room, holding a tray of food while Joe follows behind him, carrying the tea. “Loved that thing.”

“It’s beautiful,” Gwil says, looking over at him.

Felix sets the tray down on the coffee table, then carefully takes his seat in a large chair near the sofa, looking over at Ben. “How did you meet them?” he asks, gesturing towards the tray.

Ben politely reaches out to take a biscuit, holding it in his hands instead of eating it. “I—” He swallows, thinking. “The IIS had a program to help the Mercury crew adjust,” he says, making sure to speak loudly and clearly. “I…wrote that program,” he says.

“Oh, my,” Felix says, nodding. He reaches out, taking a cup of tea from the tray. “That’s quite important then. And you seem quite young for all that.”

Ben nods. “I am, yes. A bit younger than most of the people I work with.”

“That makes you the clever one,” Felix says, grinning at Ben.

Ben smiles back, nodding. “Yeah, I suppose it does.” He laughs softly. “Though, those two over there went to space, so…maybe not.” He smiles up at Joe, who sits down next to him.

“Oh, yes,” Felix says, settling back in his seat, looking over at Gwil and Rami. “And how was all that?”

Rami turns around from where he and Gwil are looking at a photo of Felix with Rory, and pauses for a moment. “Uh, it was…alright.”

“Alright?” Felix echoes. “Sounds like a lot of trouble for just ‘alright,’” he says. “Nothing special?”

“No, it was wonderful,” Rami says. “Uh, it’s just, it’s a bit difficult to— we enjoyed it while we were there, certainly. Very lovely. Beautiful, really.”

“Just not sure if it was worth it, eh?” Felix asks.

Gwil and Rami glance at each other. “Uh, no,” Gwil says softly. 

“That’s alright,” Felix says. He takes a sip of tea, smiling over at Ben and Joe. “Where are you from, son?” he asks Joe.

“New York,” Joe says.

“Oh, lovely city, that,” Felix nods. “I was there in…well, it was awhile ago. Before you were born, I’m sure.”

Joe smiles, nodding. “It’s great, yeah.”

“You’ve lived here your whole life?” Ben asks.

“Yes, when did you move to London?” Gwil asks. “When I found out Roger was buried here, I was quite surprised, he— he never seemed that interested in it.”

“Oh, we lived in Perth for a bit,” Felix says, nodding. “Then we moved to Paris for a bit, my mum still had family there. We ended up in London…well, I think Dad just got a job here, and it was nice enough. Just ended up staying. Rory’s back in Paris though, like I said.”

“Do you have family here?” Joe asks.

“Oh yes, wife, children, all that,” Felix says. “We divorced, but that’s alright.”

Rami and Gwil continue looking around the room before slowly making their way over to the rest of them. Rami sits on the sofa next to Joe, and Gwil takes a seat on the arm of the sofa beside Rami.

Felix smiles over at them. “Well, I suppose you’ve got loads of questions about Dad, and Mum, and all that.”

“Whatever you want to tell us,” Rami says. “We— we just wanted to meet you, really. When we read the letters and saw that Roger had children, it was a…bit of a surprise, really.”

“Because he was gay?” Felix asks.

Joe coughs a bit on his biscuit, and Ben pats him on the back.

“Well, yes,” Rami says, shifting a bit. “Or, rather, I thought he was.”

Felix shrugs. “He never said. Honestly, until I read those letters, I had no idea. He and Mum were always happy together, very in love. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw…that.”

Gwil looks down at his lap, starting to twist his ring around his finger.

“Oh, is that my dad’s?” Felix asks, narrowing his eyes and leaning forward a bit. “The one from the letters!”

Gwil looks up, nodding. “Er, yes. He gave it to me the day I left. Do…” he looks down at it, a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Do you want it back?” he asks quietly.

“Heavens no!” Felix says, sitting back, and Gwil breathes a sigh of relief. “That’s yours, that’s yours. And don’t think that I, I mean, I was surprised to see that Uncle Gwilym was…maybe not, maybe more than just a mate. But I suppose I was just happy that…Dad had someone. Before Mum. He didn’t really talk much about it. Other than you two. I never really believed him, when he said he knew you. Thought he was lying. Imagine my surprise!” He chuckles softly, and takes a drink of tea. “Dad was always a bit of a prat.” He laughs again and this time, so do Rami and Gwil. “I sure do miss him.”

“So do I,” Gwil says. “I…we saw him just last year.” He twists his ring again nervously.

Felix just slowly shakes his head. “Isn’t that something,” he says softly. “I’d give anything to have seen him last year.” He sighs. “Let me see if I can find that,” he says to himself, slowly pushing himself up.

Ben quickly stands, holding out his arms just in case Felix should stumble, but Felix just waves him off. Ben still stands there until Felix shuffles into the next room, and then he sighs, sitting back down.

After a couple minutes, Felix comes back in, a blue book under his arm. He walks over to Rami and Gwil, handing it over to them. “That’s my baby book,” he says. “I’m not sure where everything else is, but that— Mum made sure I kept that. Should be some photos of Dad in there.” He carefully walks back to his chair, sitting down.

“How—” Rami looks over at Felix. “How did he die?” he asks. “The letters…didn’t say. But it seemed like he knew it was coming.”

“Cancer,” Felix says. “Dad smoked like a chimney.”

Joe elbows Ben pointedly. "See?" he says softly.

“Ow,” Ben murmurs, rubbing his ribs.

“How terrible,” Rami says softly. He carefully opens the baby book, and he’s greeted with a large black-and-white photo of a newborn Felix, swaddled in a blanket. “Cute,” he says softly. 

Gwil leans over to look at the page, and he immediately frowns. “What is that?” he asks, looking at the page.

“What’s what?” Felix asks, leaning forward in his seat.

Gwil points at the words beneath the photo, handwritten in beautiful calligraphy. Felix’s full name and birthdate. “That,” he says, voice thick.

“Gwilym,” Rami says softly, touching the page. He looks over at Felix. “Your middle name is Gwilym?” he asks.

“Oh!” Felix nods. “Yes, yes. Mum picked Felix, Dad picked Gwilym.”

They all turn to look at Gwil, sad looks on their faces, unsure of what to say. Joe swallows hard, and then glances at Ben, whose eyes look wet with unshed tears.

“He didn’t say,” Gwil says softly. “He…” He reaches up, wiping at his eyes. “He named you after me. He— his son.” Gwil takes a deep, shuddering breath. “He…it’s my fault,” he says, voice breaking. “I shouldn’t have gone. I never should’ve gone, he must’ve—”

Rami stands up, wrapping his arms around Gwil, pulling him into his chest, gently rubbing his back. “It’s okay,” he says softly. “It’s okay, Gwil.” He kisses the top of Gwil’s head, gently shushing him. “I think it’s lovely Roger named him after you. He loved you so much.”

Ben slowly gets up, walking over to the two of them. “It’s alright, Gwil,” he says softly. Gwil cries out a bit and moves from Rami’s arms to Ben’s, shoulders shaking. “No, it’s alright,” he says softly, rubbing Gwil’s back.

Joe just looks over at Felix, giving him an awkward smile. “Sorry, it’s…still hard, I think.”

“No, that’s fine,” Felix said. “I’m sure.” He looks over at Ben and Gwil again, and then smiles a bit. “So are they…”

Joe glances over, then looks back at Felix. “Oh. Uh…it’s complicated, I think. But, I think. Soon, yeah.”

“Good,” Felix nods slowly. “That’s good. Dad would have been chuffed.”

Gwil sniffles and pulls back from Ben, wiping at his eyes. “I’m terribly sorry,” he says. “That was— I’m sorry.” He clears his throat, sniffling again. "Sometimes I just…"

“Oh, I don’t mind,” Felix says. “You don’t make it to my age without seeing a few tears. Children, grandchildren. I’ve seen it all.”

“Are you okay?” Rami asks softly, and Gwil nods, smiling weakly up at him. “Okay,” he says, pushing a piece of Gwil’s hair back, then leans down to kiss his forehead. Rami sits down again, turning back to the baby book. He looks down one more time at Gwil’s name on the page, and the flips to the next, seeing a photo of Roger and Dominique together, Dominique holding Felix in her arms. “Your mum was so pretty,” Rami says, looking at Felix.

Joe raises an eyebrow and leans over to get a better look at the picture. “Damn, and Roger was so handsome. What is this, a family of models?” he mutters. “How was everyone back then so beautiful?” He smiles at Rami, who just smiles back and rolls his eyes. 

Ben stays standing by Gwil, looking down at him. “Are you really okay?” he asks.

Gwil nods again. “I’m fine,” he says. “I just…I thought Roger hated me for leaving. I never dreamed he’d…name his son after me.”

“Hated you?” Felix asks. “Did I hear that right?”

“Uh, yes,” Gwil says. “I’m sorry. I— I left, and I told him I’d be back, I promised him. And I wasn’t.” Gwil’s eyes fill with tears again. “I didn't come home. And I’ve been so worried that he— that he hated me for going.”

Felix just shakes his head. He pushes himself up and shuffles over to a large cabinet, running his fingers along the spines of a few old battered books. He grabs one of them, and walks over to Gwil, handing it to him, hand shaking just a bit.

“What’s that?” Rami asks, turning to look at the cover.

Gwil shrugs, reading the title, then turning to the back cover. “I don’t know,” he says. “ _The Natural Philosophy of Plant Form_ ,” he reads. “By Agnes Arber.”

“Sounds riveting,” Joe mutters.

“Oh, it’s a riot,” Felix says sarcastically, nodding. “Partial-shoot theory, and a whole bunch of rubbish. Dad gave it to me for my tenth birthday.”

Joe snorts a bit at that, trying not to laugh. “That’s…a great present,” he says. “What ten-year-old kid wants that?”

“Joe, stop it,” Rami says. “I think it’s sweet.”

“I asked him what I was supposed to do with that,” Felix says, “especially since I’d asked for a television.”

“What’d he say?” Rami asks.

“Told me to read it,” Felix says. “Said that my Uncle Gwilym would like it, and if I was good, he’d come back, and he and I would have something to talk about then.”

Gwil sniffles, slowly flipping through the pages.

“I read those letters,” Felix says. “I know he was a bit hard on you, and I think there were even worse ones along the way that he got rid of. He wasn’t always happy with you, but he never hated you. All I ever heard growing up was about botany, and the Mercury. Summer holidays to Wales, every year. Told me I’d have to be the one to welcome you back, once he was gone.” He smiles at Gwil. “I’m sorry you missed him, Uncle Gwil.”

Gwil starts to cry again, head falling forward as his tries to stifle it, his shoulders shaking. 

Felix just reaches out and weakly squeezes Gwil’s shoulder with his weathered hand, saying, “there, there.”

Rami watches Gwil and Felix for a few moments, before looking back at the baby book again. He turns the page. “Tiger Lily!” he says suddenly, pointing to a photo of a young Felix with a cat on his lap. “Oh, Joe, look, it’s Tiger Lily,” he says, and Joe leans over.

“Augie’s cousin,” Joe says, nodding. “Cute cat.”

“Oh, that old girl,” Felix says. “She was a sweetheart. Had her for as long as I could remember.”

“She was ours,” Gwil says, wiping at his face. “We’d had her about a year, before I left.”

“Loud thing,” Felix says, nodding to himself, shuffling back to his chair. He groans as he settles back in it, then lets out a deep breath. “Always purring.”

Rami smiles. “She was,” he agrees. “She was lovely.”

Felix nods, then looks over at Rami again. “Say,” he says, “you— you didn’t happen to have a brother, did you?” he asks.

Rami nods. “Sami,” he says. “He died in 1952.”

“A twin?” Felix asks. Rami nods again. “I thought so, I thought so,” he says softly. “Your face looks so familiar.”

“You met him?” Rami asks in surprise.

“Oh yes, oh yes,” Felix nods. His hand shakes again as he reaches up to wipe at his mouth. “Sami, yes, that sounds about right. Oh yes. He came around all the time, he and Dad were best mates. That was a long, long time ago. My memories aren’t what they used to be, but I’ve seen the pictures.” He smiles faintly. “Do you boys all live here?” he asks.

Joe nods. “We do, yeah. Ben and I work here, and Rami and Gwil are…”

“In-between jobs,” Rami says, smiling. “Gwil’s retired now.”

“Oh lovely, lovely,” Felix murmurs. “Me too.” He chuckles a bit, and then he doesn’t say much else, and Rami and Joe just keep going through the baby book, while Gwil flips through Felix’s book on botany.

Ben sighs, stepping away from Gwil, starting to walk around the living room, looking at photos on the walls. Most of them are Felix with children, Ben assumes his own, some maybe his grandchildren. He smiles, glancing back at Gwil. All these people who never would’ve existed if Gwil had never gone on the Mercury, if he’d stayed with Roger. And they had no idea. He’s looking closely at an old class photo, when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He jumps a bit, looking back at Gwil. “Alright?” he asks.

Gwil nods, glancing at the photo as well. “Whenever you’re ready to go,” he says quietly. “I think he’s getting tired.” They both look over at Felix, who looks like he’s almost fallen asleep in his chair. 

Ben smiles and nods. “I hope this wasn’t too hard, Gwil,” he says, looking up at him. “I hope you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” Gwil says. “I…well, I don’t know, really. Maybe it was harder than I thought.” His blue eyes are shining bright with tears, and Ben frowns. “This is what I would’ve come back to, again, if I’d left. Except it wouldn’t be Rog’s son, it’d be Rami’s.” He tilts his head forward, letting out a short breath. “What did I do?” he asks softly.

“Nothing,” Ben says, shaking his head. “You didn’t do anything. You stayed, alright? You’re staying this time. It’s alright. Don’t think about that.” He wraps his arms around Gwil, gently pulling him in. “Don’t worry, when those idiots have a baby, I’m sure you’ll be right there, first in line to hold it,” he says, and Gwil laughs softly, nodding against Ben’s shoulder. Ben sighs, gently rubbing Gwil’s back, trying to comfort him. He has no idea what to say, what Gwil needs to hear, so he just stands there, letting Gwil rest against him until Rami and Joe are ready to go. He knows he can never ask if Gwil would choose now over then, this life over his old one; that question has already caused them too much trouble. But he knows Felix said how much Roger loved him. Knows that Roger just wanted him to be happy. So that’s what they’re going to do, he thinks. They’re just all going to make each other happy. And hopefully, in the end, it’ll have been worth it.

\+ + + + +

Joe crouches down in front of the oven, looking in at the lamb he’s roasting. “I can smell the rosemary,” he whines, holding onto the handle, shaking it a little. “It’s so good.”

“Joe, stop it,” Ben says. “It’s not even close to done.” He’s got the kitten in his arms, snuggling up against his chest.

“What do you know?” Joe asks, standing up. He reaches out to scratch Augie on the head.

“Okay, fair,” Ben says, “you’re the chef, not me. But I can see the timer, arsehole.”

“Oh fine,” Joe mutters. “I’m just hungry, I want it now.” He crosses his arms and pouts, looking over at Ben.

“Gwil and Rami aren’t even here yet,” Ben says, “so you’re not eating it anyway.”

Joe groans again and stomps his foot and Ben rolls his eyes. “What kind of asshole is late to his own birthday party, anyway?” he asks.

“They’re not late,” Ben says. “They still on the train. Please do not make me regret suggesting we do supper for Gwil’s birthday when we could have just ordered takeaway and gone to see a film.”

“Pfft, that’s no way to celebrate a birthday,” Joe says. “Okay, fine.” He raises his hands in surrender. “Are you taking tomorrow off?” he asks, waggling his eyebrows a couple times and then winking at him. “Maybe…sleeping in? Or, you know, sleeping…with someone else in—”

“ _No_ ,” Ben says. “Joe, stop. Behave, please. God, you’re a child.”

Joe sighs. “I’m just saying, I think—”

“Yes, you’ve made it plenty clear what you think,” Ben says. 

Joe frowns a bit. “Okay, I’m sorry.” He sighs. “Did you get him something?” he asks.

“Of course,” Ben says, “it’s his birthday. Did you?”

Joe nods. “I’m not heartless, geesh. I got him something dope.”

Ben smiles and rolls his eyes. “Are you…back on Team Gwil?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “I mean, I let the guy live with me five nights a week for god’s sake. I took the afternoon off so I could get ready for this. I’m pretty nice.”

“You are,” Ben agrees. “And I thank you for it.”

“You’re welcome,” Joe says. “But I mean, Rami _really_ thanks me for it, so—”

“Please stop,” Ben says, laughing. “I don’t need any more details about your sex life.” He smiles up at Joe. “Is there anything I can help you get ready for supper?” he asks.

Joe groans. “I mean, you _could_ , but I also feel like your talents lay elsewhere so it might just be best to sit there and let me do this, but thank you.”

Ben laughs. “Oh? And what are my talents?” he asks.

Joe opens his mouth to speak and then he cuts himself off, shaking his head. Ben frowns and Joe quickly says, “uh nothing, just you know, being smart, and kind, well-organized.”

“Right,” Ben says. He knows that’s not what Joe was going to say, he’s sure that it was a joke that Joe decided last second wasn’t appropriate. Which is fine. Even though he’s been friends with Joe for so long, sometimes Joe still lets them slip. Ben thinks he’s getting better at hearing them, though. He’s working through it, still talking to his doctor about it. He thinks maybe one day…well, maybe he’ll be able to let someone say it, and it won’t hurt.

Joe keeps working on dinner, and Rami sends them both text updates of how close they are to home. Joe puts the finishing touches on everything when Rami says they’ve just gotten off the bus and will be there in about five minutes.

Ben reluctantly sets the cat down to quickly set the dining table and pour their drinks, and he’s just helping Joe plate the lamb when the door to the flat opens, and Rami loudly says “brr!” as they walk in.

The kitchen and dining room are at the front of the flat, so Joe calls out “Hi!” and sticks his head out into the hallway to greet them. “Chilly?” he asks.

Rami nods, taking off his coat and gloves, hanging them up by the door, then taking off his shoes. “It’s smells delicious in here,” he says, inhaling deeply. “Hi Augie!”

“It smells like a lot of work,” Gwil says, unwinding his scarf, taking off his glasses that are now fogged up. “You didn’t have to do all this.” He peeks into the dining room, eyes widening. “Oh, this is too much,” he says softly.

“I wish you’d told me that before I did all this!” Joe says. “We could have just ordered take-out and gone to see a movie.”

Ben snorts. “That was _my_ suggestion, but Joe insisted on showing off for you. How was Perth?” he asks.

“I finished my book,” Rami says, holding it up to show them as he walks towards the back of the flat, going to the living room where he keeps his massive bookshelf. As he walks back, he scoops the cat up into his arms, covering him with kisses.

“I listened to a short podcast series on human biology,” Gwil says, and both Ben and Joe look over at him, a flat look on their faces. “Well, I thought it was interesting, anyway,” he murmurs.

“Right,” Joe says softly. “Uh, let’s eat! If you’re hungry. We’re all set. Come on in.”

Rami and Gwil walk into the dining room, and Rami takes his seat, setting Augie back down, and Gwil sits across from him. 

“I poured the drinks, I hope that’s alright,” Ben says. “Let me know if you want something else.”

“It’s all wonderful,” Gwil says, looking around at the dishes Joe’s prepared. He didn’t give Joe any advice, and Joe didn’t ask, but it looks like he’s gone with a Welsh theme, and Gwil smiles. 

They all settle in, Ben smiling at Gwil as he sits next to him, and start serving themselves. Joe waits until they’ve all got food on their plates and have started eating before he takes a drink and starts asking inappropriate questions.

“So, Gwil, how old are you?” he asks, looking over at Gwil.

Ben freezes and slowly turns to Gwil, who’s got his glass halfway up to his mouth, looking at Joe. 

“Joe,” Rami says softly, and Joe winces when he gets kicked under the table.

“What?” Joe asks. “I’m sorry! I’m just…it’s your birthday. You know. And, like…if someone asked you how old you were—”

“Like you just did, you mean,” Ben says.

“What would you say?” Joe asks. “I’m sorry. I just, it’s a fair question. Or not. I don’t know. I’m sorry if I offended you, I just…kind of want to know.”

Gwil looks over at Ben, who shrugs helplessly, and then glances at Rami, who’s just watching him. “Um, technically? I suppose I’m…” He trails off, doing the math. “No, I’m 35,” he says, deciding he doesn’t like that high number, the accurate one. “Yes, I’m 35 today.”

Joe smiles. “Okay,” he says. “Same as me then.”

Gwil doesn’t move for a moment, but then he nods, and smiles back. “I guess so,” he says.

“That’s kind of weird, though,” Joe says, “because that makes me older than you, but sometimes I think of you as like, my grandfather.”

Ben snorts on his drink, starting to cough, and Gwil straightens up, reaching over to pat Ben on the back, rubbing his hand in-between his shoulder blades. “Jesus, Joe,” Ben mutters, trying to catch his breath. “Can we change the subject now?”

“Sorry!” Joe says. “I just think it’s interesting. Like, okay. Fine! I get it. Not appropriate dinner table talk. What can we talk about then?” he asks. He looks around the table. “Okay, fine. Uh, Gwil, you wanna talk about your podcast?” he asks.

“That’s alright, Joe, thank you,” Gwil says, taking a bite of his lamb.

Joe makes a face, and sighs, silently going back to his food.

Ben takes another drink, not sure of what to say; apparently the awkwardness will be bad tonight, he thinks.

“This is better than your birthday last year,” Rami says after a moment. “Isn’t it?” he asks. He looks at Joe and Ben. “The BIS planned terribly for our birthdays. They sent along twenty cakes, one for each of us, but they weren’t sure how to store them properly. So, mine was fine, in May, but by the time we got to Gwil’s in November, it was still safe to eat, but it was terribly dry. It was—” He breaks off into a grin, laughing softly. “They also spelled your name wrong.”

Gwil groans, laughing. “I forgot about that,” he says.

“How many times were you introduced as William at a BIS event?” Rami asks. “Almost too many to count.”

“I don’t know why,” Gwil says, “I think they did it on purpose. It’s not a difficult name.”

“How did you celebrate when you were younger?” Ben asks. “Or, in Perth, with Roger?” He swallows, looking down at his plate.

“When I was younger,” Gwil says, “we didn’t do much. We weren’t— well, times were quite different, as I’m sure you can imagine. But my mam always made me dinner and usually knit me a new jumper. I just got hand-me-downs from Owain and Geraint. Rhiannon would usually make me something, as well. She liked to embroider things.”

“Oh, lovely,” Ben says softly.

“Of course, you know, I got a new bike one year, that was wonderful,” Gwil says. “But erm, I don’t know. Not— it was just nice to be with family. The gifts weren’t all that mattered.” He looks around at the three of them. “Sort of like this,” he says, and the other three all smile. “As for Roger,” Gwil says. “Well, when we were living in Perth, it was me, and him, and Rami, and Sami, of course. The year before last, Roger gave me a camera. That was quite nice, I really appreciated it.”

“I’m sure,” Ben says. “They must have been expensive then, no?”

“Erm, not as much as you would think, no,” Gwil says. “Maybe a couple hundred pounds today? I’m not sure, really.”

“Oh,” Ben says. “I guess I don’t know.”

“Well, Roger would never say anyway, so I don’t really know either,” Gwil says, shrugging. 

“I think I’d like to get a camera,” Rami says. “The photos I took on Luyten turned out alright, yeah? Maybe I have an eye for photography and I don’t even know it.”

“Okay, putting that on the Christmas list,” Joe says softly, and Rami smiles at him. “Ooh,” Joe says suddenly, “presents! Now?”

Gwil snorts with laughter at Joe’s childlike glee at the idea of gifts. Ben smiles and shakes his head. “Maybe _after_ we eat, yeah?” Ben says.

“Okay, fine,” Joe agrees, poking at his food.

Rami clears his throat and wraps his hand around his glass. “I’d actually like to propose a toast,” he says. “If that’s alright,” he continues, looking over at Gwil.

“Uh,” Gwil’s eyes widen a bit and he shifts in his seat, but he waves him on. “Alright, I— if you insist.”

“I didn’t prepare anything,” Rami admits, “and I’m not terribly good at speeches, so I’ll keep it short. Uh, I just wanted to say that…” He clears his throat softly. “I know that we’ve been through something terrible, and it hasn’t always been easy.”

Gwil makes a small noise and looks over at Ben, who’s watching him back. Ben gives him a gentle smile, and Gwil looks away, blushing a bit.

“Actually, it’s been awful at times,” Rami continues. “But you’re my best mate, and I love you. I just— I love you. And I’m just so happy that we get to spend this birthday together, and all our days together, from now on.” He smiles, a bit nervously, and lifts his glass up to Gwil. “Happy birthday, Gwil.”

Gwil keeps blushing, but nods his thanks as Joe and Ben lift their glasses as well, echoing Rami. “Thank you,” Gwil says, taking a quick drink. “I— I’m relieved to be…welcomed here, honestly. After everything. Thank you.”

Rami reaches out to take Gwil’s hand, leaning across the table a bit. “Of course,” he says softly. “We’ll take care of each other now, yes?”

Gwil smiles and nods, reaching up to wipe at his eyes, sniffling. He squeezes Rami’s hand and then lets it slip from his fingers, picking up his fork again. “Everything is delicious, Joe, thank you.”

“Actually, Ben made it,” Joe says, shrugging as he takes a drink.

Gwil’s eyes widen in surprise as he turns to Ben. “Re— really?” he asks softly. “Thank you. I— it’s all so lovely.”

Ben smiles at Gwil, and then kicks Joe under the table. “As much as I’d love to take credit for it, Joe’s being a tease. He made it all.”

“But I like that you believed me,” Joe says. “How come when you thought I made it, it was just delicious, but when Ben made it, it was _so lovely_.”

“Because he likes Ben better than you,” Rami says simply, taking a drink.

Gwil and Ben both snort with laughter, and Joe turns to look at Rami, a look of surprise on his face. 

“What?” Rami asks. “It’s true,” he says.

Joe scoffs a bit, and then starts to laugh. “I mean, yeah, you’re right,” he says. “But you don’t have to _say_ it. Only Gwil and I can say it.”

Rami shrugs and leans over, giving Joe a quick kiss. “It’s alright,” he says, “ _I_ like you.”

“Yeah, but more than Ben?” Joe asks.

Rami just smiles and shrugs again, leaving Joe whining.

“Really?” Joe asks. “I— babe, come on,” he says.

“Ben was very kind to let me stay with him,” Rami says. “And you know, I was thinking about it the other day: Ben was the first person at the IIS I introduced myself to. I knew him before I knew you."

“Okay, great,” Joe says, “I get it, we get it, Ben’s perfect, we all like Ben.”

Ben picks up his glass, taking a few drinks. “Please stop,” he murmurs, but he’s also laughing a bit. “Besides, I like you, Joe. And you know I like you more than I like myself, so don’t worry about that.”

“Thank you,” Joe says. “I appreciate that. Not the bit about liking me more than you, but it’s nice to know that _someone_ here cares.” He looks pointedly at Gwil, and then Rami.

“Oh, piss off,” Rami says, laughing, “you know I care. I live with you, don’t I? We have a cat? This is _our_ flat?” He gives Joe another kiss. “This is absolutely the best meal I’ve ever had,” he says.

“Thank you,” Joe says. He gives him a quick kiss, then turns back to his plate. “It is pretty good,” he murmurs in agreement.

The four of them sit and eat their food, joking and making casual conversation about Gwil and Rami’s trip to Perth, Ben and Joe’s work, and the recipes Joe used. Once their plates are mostly clear, Joe smiles, looking around. “Cake?” he asks. “Or presents?”

“Uh,” Gwil shrugs, “I don’t know. Whichever you’d like, Joe,” he says.

“Presents!” Joe says happily, pushing his chair back from the table. Rami rolls his eyes and follows after him.

“Let me clear up a bit while they get ready,” Ben says, picking up his plate, and reaching over to pick up Gwil’s.

“Oh, let me help,” Gwil says, pushing his chair back from the table, about to stand up.

“Absolutely not,” Ben says. “It’s your birthday.”

“But you’re a guest,” Gwil says.

“Gwil,” Ben says, “let me do this, alright? Just sit.” He stands up and leans down, pressing a quick kiss to the top of Gwil’s head. He freezes once he’s realized what he’s done, and then gently clears his throat, straightening back up. He breathes a small sigh of relief when he sees that Joe and Rami are still upstairs in their bedroom, and then walks across the hallway to the kitchen. He scrapes off the bits of food and puts the dishes in the sink, then goes back to grab Rami and Joe’s plates. “Sorry,” he says softly, avoiding Gwil’s eyes.

Gwil just smiles and shakes his head, watching Ben. “Don’t be,” he says.

Ben looks up at him and smiles a bit, then walks back into the kitchen.

“Alright!” Joe yells, and they hear his feet bounding down the stairs as he and Rami make their way back towards the dining room.

Ben walks over to the front door where his work bag is sitting, and he grabs Gwil’s present out of it, walking back into the dining room.

“You want to go first?” Joe asks Ben as he and Rami settle back into their seats at the table.

“Oh, I…don’t know,” Ben says, sitting down. “Maybe you should.”

“Okay,” Joe shrugs, handing his present over to Gwil. “I wasn’t really sure what to get you, but…”

“I’m sure I’ll love it,” Gwil says. He unwraps the paper, smiling when he sees what it is. A boxset of all three _Lord of the Rings_ books, along with the extended versions of the films. “Thank you, Joe,” he says. “This is brilliant.”

“You’re welcome,” Joe says. “I knew you’d…I remembered you saying you liked reading _The Hobbit_ back in the day, I thought you’d want to try those out too.”

“Yes, absolutely,” Gwil says. “As soon as I finish reading them, you would like to watch the films with me?” he asks.

“Oh my god _yes_ ,” Joe says. “We can watch all three at once, you are going to _love_ them. Seriously, Gwil, yes."

Gwil laughs softly, flipping through the pages of _The Two Towers_. “Thank you, Joe,” he says again. 

Rami leans against Joe, smiling over at Gwil.

“Uh, well, here,” Ben says. He clears his throat gently, pushing the two small presents towards Gwil, and then looking away. “It’s not as nice as all that.”

“I’m sure it’s lovely,” Gwil says. He unwraps the larger of the two presents, finding another book, this one about the 1970s Welsh rugby team. “Oh, thank you,” he says. “This looks interesting. I love it.”

“You’re welcome,” Ben says. He swallows hard, eyeing the other present, and he’s just about to reach out to nervously take it back and tell Gwil not to worry about it, when Gwil picks it up before he can get to it.

Gwil shakes the small tube gently, hearing something rattle inside, and then he starts unwrapping it.

“Really, Gwil, it’s dumb,” Ben says quickly, turning to him, but Gwil’s smiling down at the gift, turning it over in his hands.

“I love Smarties,” Gwil says softly, looking over at Ben.

Ben sighs. “I…it’s silly,” he says.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, not at all,” he says. “Thank you.”

Rami and Joe look at each other, both of them trying not to burst out into huge grins or excited laughter. Ben gives them a look that says _knock it off_ but Joe just shakes his head, watching Gwil looking down at the Smarties with a look of wonder on his face.

“Rami?” Ben asks. “Why— why don’t you give him yours now?” He’s blushing.

“Oh, alright,” Rami says, handing his gift over to Gwil. “It’s not…really from me, exactly,” he says softly. “But someone else thought you might like it.”

Gwil slides the tube of Smarties in the pocket of his trousers and then he starts carefully unwrapping Rami’s gift. It’s a small photo album, and he opens it slowly, starting to look through the photos. After the first couple, he gasps softly, bringing his hand up to his mouth. “Rami,” he says softly. “I…where did you get these?” he asks. He looks over at Rami in disbelief.

“Felix had them,” Rami says.

“Felix?” Gwil asks.

Rami nods, smiling. “He— well, he has my number, and a few days after we visited, he called me. Said he’d gotten his granddaughter to help him go through storage, to see what he could find. And…that’s what he found.” He blinks quickly, eyes filling with tears. “I kept some for myself, of course,” he says, laughing softly, “but those— those are all the ones he thought you would want.” He smiles. “Surprise.”

“Rami,” Gwil says again, wiping at his eyes. “I— oh my god, Rami.” He takes a deep, shaky breath, tears spilling over.

“I’m sorry,” Rami says, pushing his chair back. “I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he says, wrapping his arms around him. “I just thought you’d—”

“I love them,” Gwil says, squeezing his eyes shut. “It’s too much, they— they don’t belong to me, but—” he gasps a bit, trying to calm down. “I love them. Thank you. And I’ll— I’ll have to thank Felix for them as well, I suppose.”

Rami nods. “He said that when you’re ready, he’d like to have us back ‘round to meet some of his family.”

“God,” Gwil says. He wraps his arms around Rami, burying his face in his chest for a moment as he takes a deep breath. He sniffles and pulls back, looking up at him. “Thank you.”

Ben swallows hard, eyeing the photo album. He looks away, and brings his thumb up to his mouth. All he can think is about the letters, and hiding them. He feels even more ashamed now. He wants to ask to look at them, but he doesn’t feel like that’s his place. But then Gwil turns to him, holding the small photo album out to him. “Would you like to see?” he asks, and Ben smiles nervously. 

“Are you sure?” Ben asks, and Gwil nods. “Okay,” Ben says, and he carefully takes the photo album from him.

Joe gets up and walks over to their side of the table, leaning down over Ben so that he can look as well.

Gwil moves his chair closer to Ben’s, so that he can point out who’s who in the photos as Ben goes through them. There aren’t many of them, but Gwil never expected to see _any_ of them, so it feels like it’s a lot. Some are from before Gwil left, that Roger kept, others were taken after. “Roger,” he says, pointing to him in the first photo. “And me, obviously.”

Joe laughs softly. “I did catch that, yeah.”

Gwil smiles. “That was…” he thinks for a moment, looking over at Rami. “Was that when we were visiting Cardiff?” he asks.

Rami nods. “I think so. At the pub.”

“Yes, of course,” Gwil says. “Here’s Sami and Roger, at our cribbage tournament.”

Ben carefully runs his fingers over the photo, then looks up at Rami, who’s watching the three of them with a happy smile on his face. “Do you want to look?” he asks, and Rami shakes his head.

“I’ve seen them before,” Rami says. “And I’m sure I’ll see them again.”

Gwil sniffles and Ben carefully turns the page, as Gwil points out their flat in one of the photos. There’s one of Gwil and Rami in their BIS uniforms, looking proud, and another of Roger making a face at the camera.

Ben’s eyes are filled with tears by the time they’re done looking at them, and he looks over at Gwil, who’s watching him back. “They’re all lovely, Gwil,” he says, blinking the tears away.

Gwil smiles and nods, closing the photo album, holding it tightly. “Thank you.”

“I’m going to get the cake,” Joe says softly, straightening up, and heading into the kitchen.

“Let me help,” Rami says, hurrying after him.

Gwil wraps his arms around the photo album, holding it to his chest. “You must think it’s foolish,” he says softly, and Ben frowns.

“What?” he asks. “The photos?”

Gwil shrugs. “No, just…well. You can take as many as you want, all the time. It must be silly for you to see me so excited over these.”

“It’s not silly,” Ben says. “I think it’s sweet. I…sometimes forget that you’re from a different time, honestly. It was different then, but doesn’t make it foolish. I’m glad Felix found them for you.”

“So am I,” Gwil says. He loosens his hold on the album a bit, looking over at Ben. “I did love your present,” he says.

Ben smiles at him. “I wasn’t sure, I just—” He shifts in his seat, moving a bit closer to Gwil.

“No, it was perfect,” Gwil says softly. He gently clears his throat and leans in towards Ben, just about to close his eyes when he hears Joe behind them.

“Whoops,” Joe says, and Ben sighs, pulling back from Gwil. “Uh…we can…go back, if you want.”

“It’s fine,” Ben mutters, looking down at his lap, biting his lip.

“Should we sing?” Joe asks.

“No!” Rami says, following behind Joe with small plates and forks in his hands. 

Joe carefully sets down the cake, and Rami hands out the dishes as Joe sticks his hand out to Ben.

“What?” Ben asks.

“Lighter,” Joe says, wiggling his fingers. “For the candles.”

“I don’t have one,” Ben says.

“Oh, really,” Joe says sarcastically. “You don’t have one.”

“I don’t,” Ben insists, shifting in his seat. “I left it at home. I, well.” He clears his throat, awkwardly looking over at Gwil. “After what Felix said, I…am trying to cut back, so…”

“Really?” Joe asks. Ben nods. “That’s awesome.”

“Thank you,” Ben says.

“Except,” Joe groans, “I don’t have one! How are we supposed to light the candles?”

“It’s fine,” Rami says. “Gwil can pretend, can’t you?”

Gwil looks at Rami and rolls his eyes a bit, but he leans forward anyway, closing his eyes. He thinks for a moment or two, and then blows out a breath over the candles. “Good?” he asks, opening his eyes.

Rami smiles and nods. “Perfect.”

“Alright, birthday boy,” Joe says, picking up the knife, cutting a slice for Gwil, handing it to him. “You first.” He cuts three more pieces, then sits down.

“Did you make this as well?” Gwil asks, chewing. “It’s delicious.”

“Sadly, no,” Joe says. “I can cook, but I’m not a baker. This is actually from the same bakery you bought my cupcakes from, remember?”

Gwil makes a quiet noise. “Feels like forever ago,” he says softly. He glances over at Ben, thinking about their trip to London together. 

They eat in relative silence, until, of course, Joe’s the one to start speaking again.

“Is there anything else you want to do you for your birthday?” he asks, looking over at Gwil. “What are we doing this weekend?”

Gwil shrugs. “I’m…I don’t know,” he says. “Whatever you’d like. We could go to the cinema tomorrow, when you’re off work. Or Saturday.”

“Nice,” Joe says, nodding. “So, have you had a good day?”

Gwil nods. “Yes, thank you.”

Rami reaches out, briefly taking Joe’s hand, squeezing it gently and leaning over to kiss Joe’s cheek.

Joe turns to catch his mouth in a kiss, and then smiles. “Remember your birthday?” he asks softly.

Rami snorts and pulls away, taking his hand back. “Behave,” he says, taking another bite of cake.

Joe waggles his eyebrows and leans in towards Rami again. “Remember _my_ birthday?” he asks, kissing Rami’s neck.

Rami laughs loudly, jerking away from him. “Joe!” he exclaims, gesturing towards Gwil and Ben with his fork. “We have guests, you know.”

“Do I even want to know,” Gwil murmurs to himself.

Ben shrugs, taking a bite of cake. “They shagged on my sofa,” he says. “And then in my shower, apparently. God knows what they did in my bed.”

Gwil looks over at Ben, a shocked look on his face, and then he just tries not to laugh.

“Hey,” Joe says suddenly, looking over at Ben and Gwil. “Remember Rami’s birthday party?”

“Joe, please stop reminding us that you two slept together,” Ben says. “We know, we get it.”

“No, not that,” Joe says. “That was when you guys almost—” He stops talking and clears his throat, taking a big bite of cake to shut himself up.

Ben sinks down a bit in his seat, picking at his own cake in front of him.

“God, if you told me that was ten years ago, I’d believe you,” Gwil says, reaching up to scratch the back of his head.

“Five months,” Rami says. “It’s only been seven since we came back.”

“Christ, only _seven_ months,” Gwil says. “I…” He shakes his head, and taps his fork on the edge of his plate. “I don’t believe it,” he says softly. “Sometimes I think everything should be better, but then you say something like that, and it’s no wonder I…well, that’s almost no time at all, really.”

“We’ve still got all the time left in the world,” Rami says, smiling over at him. “Don’t we?”

Gwil looks at Rami for a moment, and then gives him a faint smile. “Yes, I suppose we do.” He glances over at Ben, who’s watching him back. Ben smiles, and then looks away, and Gwil’s fingers itch to reach out and take Ben’s hand in his.

\+ + + + +

Rami curls up against Joe’s side on the sofa, Augie on his lap, his eyes drifting closed.

Joe smiles at him, twisting a black curl around his finger, then kissing his forehead. “Well, if Rami’s passing out, and if Ben and I have to work tomorrow, we might have to call this a night, guys.”

Ben smiles, pushing himself up out of one chair, as Gwil gets up from the one on the other side of the fireplace. “Oh, are you not staying here tonight?” he asks.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, Nelly’s in MK for the next couple of nights, said I could stay at her flat while she’s gone.”

“Oh, lovely,” Ben says softly. He walks over to the sofa, reaching down to playfully push his fingers through Rami’s hair. “Goodnight,” he says softly. “Goodnight, kitty.”

“Mm, goodnight,” Rami murmurs. “Happy birthday, Gwil,” he says, snuggling even closer to Joe.

“Do you need help getting him upstairs?” Gwil asks.

Joe shakes his head. “Nah, I’m good. I might keep watching TV for a bit. Besides, he doesn’t work tomorrow, I can just abandon him down here. Augie will keep me warm.”

Gwil chuckles softly. “Thank you for tonight, Joe,” he says. “I really appreciate it.”

“Of course,” Joe says. “You’re welcome. I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asks. Gwil nods. “Ben?”

“We work together, Joe,” Ben says, shaking his head as he walks out of the living room.

“I meant for a movie!” Joe says.

“Yes, Joe!” Ben calls behind him.

“Goodnight,” Gwil says, following after Ben. He grabs the bag with his gifts, and then pats his pocket when he hears the shaking of the Smarties tube. He smiles and grabs his jacket, pulling it on, then wrapping his scarf around his neck. “Is it alright if I walk you?” he asks.

Ben looks over at him, pulling open the door to the flat. “It’s just…three minutes,” he says.

“I know,” Gwil says. “But, I’m going that way.”

Ben smiles. “Of course it’s alright,” he says. They step out of Rami and Joe’s flat, heading downstairs. “It’s nice of Nelly to let you stay with her,” he says. “You can stay with me again next week, if you’d like.”

“Thank you,” Gwil says. “And yes, I think she sort of sees me like family, really. Because of Rami.”

Ben shivers as they step out into the night, and he zips his jacket up the rest of the way as they turn right down the sidewalk. “Erm, can I ask?” he says. “About your family?”

Gwil looks over at Ben, shrugging. “I…honestly, after everything, I’m worried I’ll disappoint them. I’d _like_ to meet them, but I’m just not sure I’m in the right…headspace for it yet.”

Ben chuckles softly. “Sounds like your doctor talking,” he says. “But that’s fair, I understand.”

“What about you?” Gwil asks. “And— and your family? The holidays are coming up.”

Ben shrugs, kicking away a rock. “I don’t know if they want to see me,” he says.

“Ben—”

“And I don’t know if I want to see them,” Ben continues. “And…I don’t know if it should be my responsibility to reach out to them. They’re my parents. Besides it’s, it’s been almost a year. I just…I don’t find myself missing them. As much. Anymore.” 

Gwil nods understandingly. “I’m sorry,” he says softly.

“It’s not your fault,” Ben says, shrugging. 

“So, what will you do for Christmas then?” Gwil asks. “If you’re not with them.”

“Same as always,” Ben says. “Except without Joe.”

“What’s that mean?” Gwil asks.

“Takeaway and going to the cinema,” Ben says. “What about you?” he asks.

“Don’t know, really,” Gwil says. “I…haven’t given it much thought. I was planning to be in Cologne, by myself.”

“Hm, right,” Ben says. “Well, you can certainly— it probably won’t be much fun, but if you’d like to, you’re more than welcome to spend it with— with me.” He looks over at Gwil and then quickly looks away.

Gwil smiles at that, nodding. “I’d like that,” he says softly.

“Alright then,” Ben says. “It doesn’t have to be takeaway and a film, if you don’t want to. We can— whatever you’d like. Your first Christmas back, it should be grand.”

“Alright,” Gwil says, nodding. “Your plans don’t sound too bad, though.”

Ben smiles, and then shivers again, looking up as they turn onto his street. He can see his flat now, and he glances over at Gwil. “Are you sure you’re alright to get to Nelly’s from here?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “It’s not far, I’ll be alright,” he says.

Ben nods, and then they come to a stop in front of his flat. 

“Well, uh, goodnight,” Gwil says, looking over at him.

Ben smiles. “Goodnight, Gwil.” He takes out his key and turns to his door, then pauses, turning back to him. “Gwil?” he asks.

“Yes?” 

“Can I…ask you something?” Ben asks, shifting on his feet.

“Anything,” Gwil says, nodding.

“It’s uh, silly, really,” Ben says. “But, do you remember, when we were in London—”

“Which time?” Gwil asks.

“With Rami and Joe,” Ben says. “For Wimbledon. When you…well, when we went back to crew quarters that night. Do you remember?” Gwil nods slowly. “You waited outside my door after I went in, didn’t you?”

Gwil blushes a bit and nods. “I, I did, yes.”

Ben smiles at him. “Did you think I was going to invite you in?” he asks teasingly.

“No!” Gwil says quickly, and Ben raises an eyebrow. “No, that’s not— I wasn’t, I swear. I just…” He shifts on his feet. “I just wanted a kiss, honestly.” His cheeks are burning red now.

Ben bites down on his lip, and takes a small step towards Gwil. “Are you going to wait outside my door tonight as well, then?” he asks. “Or should I just kiss you now to save you the trouble?”

Gwil’s eyes widen, and he looks at Ben, unsure of what to say or do. “Uh…”

Ben smiles at him and then leans in, tongue quickly coming out to wet his lips before he presses his mouth to Gwil’s. 

Gwil makes a soft noise of surprise, freezing for a moment, before he gently starts to kiss him back. He drops the bag with his presents and then reaches up to cup Ben’s cheeks in his hands.

Ben shivers a bit when Gwil’s cold fingers touch his face, and he pulls back, smiling, but then he leans in and kisses him again, lightly grabbing onto Gwil’s scarf, holding him close. They stand there for a minute or two, softly kissing, sweet and gentle compared to the last time they kissed, and then Ben pulls back, laughing softly, eyes seeming to sparkle in the light of the streetlamps. “Goodnight, Gwil,” he says, stepping back.

“Goodnight,” Gwil says, looking at Ben with a bit of a dumb look on his face.

Ben turns to his door, sticking his key in the lock before he turns back, giving Gwil another quick kiss. “Happy birthday,” he says softly. He unlocks the front door and steps into his building, smiling as he closes the door behind him.

Gwil stands there for a moment, staring at the door, before blinking a couple times and reaching down to grab his bag. He smiles as he turns to walk away, reaching up to brush his fingertips over his mouth. Then he slides one of his hands into his pocket, fingers wrapping around the Smarties tube. He laughs softly, and starts making his way to Nelly’s.

\+ + + + +

After work the following day, Ben and Joe go straight to Joe and Rami’s flat together. Ben’s surprised to see that Gwil isn’t there, assuming that he and Rami would have spent the day together.

Joe gives Rami a quick kiss as he walks into the living room, and then drops down beside him on the sofa, reaching out to pull Rami’s feet onto his lap. “What do we wanna see?” he asks, taking out his phone, checking movie times.

Rami shrugs, then smiles over at Ben. “How are you?” he asks.

“I’m alright, yeah,” Ben nods, sitting down in one of the large chairs. He smiles and reaches down to pick up Augie, letting him sit on his lap. “How was your day?” he asks.

Rami’s smile grows even bigger and then just shakes his head a bit, turning back to the television. “It was fine,” he says. “Gwil and I had lunch together.”

“Yummy,” Joe says softly, running his hand up and down Rami’s calf, scrolling through the app on his phone.

Ben just nods, but he’s watching Rami, feeling a bit of butterflies in his stomach. “How was that?” he asks.

“Lovely,” Rami says, and he looks back over at Ben, and then Ben knows that Rami knows, and he starts to blush a bit. “He’s _very_ much looking forward to the cinema tonight,” he says.

Ben looks away, feeling his cheeks burning, and he nods. “Is— is he?” he asks.

Rami nods. “He is.” He shifts a bit to get a better look at Ben. “Are you sure that you want Joe and I to come with you tonight?” he asks teasingly. 

“Hey, no fair,” Joe says, “I’ve been looking forward to th—” He looks up, sees the blush on Ben’s face, and then shoots up straight. “Oh my god, did you guys fuck?”

“No!” Ben exclaims. “God, Joe, why do you— we’re not always fucking. We slept together _once_ , god. _Months_ ago.”

“Don’t act like it’s not a fair question,” Joe says. “So why are you blushing then, Ben? Huh?”

“We just…” Ben shifts in his seat, and sighs. “We kissed,” he says, petting the cat.

“Oh my god,” Joe says, starting to hit Rami’s leg. “You— they— oh my god Rami, did you know?”

Rami laughs and nods. “Of course, Gwil told me. No more secrets, he says.”

“Hey!” Joe exclaims. “Why not no more secrets with me, Ben?”

“Because I knew you’d act like this,” Ben says. “And because…it was just a kiss. Or two.” He smiles faintly. “I don’t know, really.”

“When?” Joe asks. “Last night?”

Ben nods. “He walked me home. And then I—”

“You kissed him?” Joe asks. “Oh my god, Ben. Ben!”

“Joe!” Ben says. “Please.”

“So, are you guys like,” Joe gestures between them. “I mean, what’s happening?”

“Nothing,” Ben says. “We didn’t talk about it at all. We just kissed and said goodnight.”

“A goodnight kiss,” Joe says softly, and then he slowly starts to smile. “Was it nice?”

“Joe, stop,” Ben says.

“That means it was _great_!” Joe exclaims. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks.

“Because I don’t know what it is,” Ben says. “He’s…well. I don’t know. It was just a kiss.”

“Yeah, just a kiss between two people who are in _love_ ,” Joe says. He looks over at Rami. “What did Gwil say?” he asks eagerly.

Rami shrugs, and then smiles over at Ben. “I don’t know if I should say, really.”

“Babe, please,” Joe whines. “I need this. I need gossip. Was it— was it a good kiss?” he asks. “Did Ben use too much tongue? Not enough tongue? What are we talking about here?”

Rami laughs. “Ben’s tongue was not a topic of conversation.”

“Thank god,” Ben mutters. “Is it too early for me to start drinking?” he asks.

“Wait, so where’s Gwil?” Joe asks. “Is he…what’s going on? I need details.”

“I can’t tell you,” Rami says. “But he’ll be here soon.”

“What is it?” Joe asks softly, leaning towards him.

Rami reaches out, playfully pushing Joe’s face away from him. “You’ll see.”

“Ooh,” Joe says, looking over at Ben, eyes wide. “We’ll _see_.” He starts to laugh excitedly and Ben rolls his eyes.

“ _This_ is why I didn’t tell you, you know,” Ben says.

Joe shrugs. “That’s fine. I know now, baby, haha, oh I know. You kissed him! You love him! He loves you!”

“You hated him a month ago,” Ben says.

“That’s over now,” Joe says. “This is…this is everything. Oh my god it’s going to be like a double-date. It _is_ a double-date.”

“Joe, please,” Ben says. “Just because we— we kissed. Yes. And yes, we have feelings for each other, but that doesn’t mean we’re…that doesn’t mean anything.”

“Then why’d you kiss him?” Joe asks.

Ben thinks for a moment, and then shrugs. “Because he looked handsome, and I wanted to,” he says.

“Oh my god you guys are so fucking in love I can’t stand it,” Joe says. “Rami, I can’t stand it!”

Rami laughs again, and then looks down at his watch. He swipes down, reading the notification, and then looks over at Ben. “Can you go let Gwil in, please?” he asks.

“Me?” Ben asks. Rami just nods. Ben sighs, pushing himself up. He carefully hands the cat over to Rami, then walks through the flat to the front door, buzzing Gwil in. After a few moments, there’s a knock on the door, and Ben unlocks the door, opening it. Before he even looks at Gwil, he looks at the bouquet in his hands, bright yellow flowers. He draws a sharp breath, and then slowly smiles, looking up at him in surprise. “Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” Gwil says. He gently clears his throat. “Erm, these are for you,” he says softly, handing the bouquet over to Ben.

“Thank you,” Ben says, taking a deep breath, smelling them. “They’re lovely. They’re…daffodils?” he asks, carefully touching one of the petals.

Gwil smiles, and nods. “They are.”

Ben thinks for a moment. “Like we got for your sister, yes? The national symbol of Wales?” he asks.

“Oh,” Gwil says. “Uh, yes, they do mean that. But erm, they also mean…” Ben looks up at him. “New beginnings,” Gwil says, blushing a bit.

Ben looks back down at the flowers, and then smiles. “Thank you,” he says again. “They’re beautiful. No one’s ever bought me flowers before."

“No?” Gwil asks. Ben shakes his head. “Well, then. You’re welcome.”

Ben steps back from the doorway, letting Gwil walk by him. “Rami and Joe are just in there,” he says, gesturing towards the living room. “I’ll have to see if they have a vase,” he says, going into the kitchen.

Gwil takes off his shoes and walks into the living room, waving to Joe and Rami.

“Gwil, what are your thoughts on the new Batman movie?” Joe asks, looking over at him.

Gwil shrugs. “I don’t know, who’s Batman?”

“Oh my god,” Joe mutters, “I’ve found the one person who actually needs to find out what happened to Bruce Wayne’s parents.”

“Why, what happened to them?” Gwil asks, sitting down in one of the chairs.

“Never mind,” Joe says. “Fine, what do you want to see?” he asks.

“We can see that, I don’t mind,” Gwil says. “Whatever you’d like.”

“Rami?” Joe asks.

Rami shrugs. “Erm, I wouldn’t mind. Are there any mysteries playing?” he asks. “Or horror films?”

“Of course,” Joe says, going back to his phone. “Lemme check,” he says. “Ben!” he calls.

“Uh, he’s in the kitchen,” Gwil says.

“Ben!” Joe calls again.

“What?” Ben asks, walking into the living room, still holding his flowers.

“Do you want to see the new Batman or—” Joe twists to look at him over the sofa, then grins. “What are those?” he asks.

“Daffodils,” Ben says. “Do you have a vase?”

Joe looks at Rami, who’s beaming over at Gwil. “Uh, let me see,” he says. He carefully pushes Rami’s feet off his lap and then hurries over to Ben, wrapping his arm around his shoulders, pulling him in as they walk back into the kitchen. “Are those from Gwil?” he asks quietly.

Ben smiles and nods, taking another deep breath. “Yes,” he says.

“You guys are so in love,” Joe says, an amused smile on his face. He kneels down in front of the sink, opening the cupboard, and digging behind some cleaning products. “Here,” he says, handing the vase over to Ben.

“He says they mean new beginnings,” Ben says, filling the vase with water.

Joe straightens back up, crossing his arms and grinning at him. “And?” he asks.

“And what?” Ben asks.

“And do you…want that?” Joe asks, watching as Ben carefully slips the flowers into the water, spreading them out evenly. “A new beginning, I mean.”

Ben bites down on his lip, and then nods. “I do,” he says quietly. “I…” He looks over at Joe. “Do you think it’s silly?” he asks. “To think that we have a chance together?”

“Silly how?” Joe asks.

Ben shrugs. “Well, I just…” He sighs. “I love him, but…what if he’s not the best person for me?” he asks.

“He might not be,” Joe says. “I mean, let me be the first to say that I’m still…hesitant. Not a lot,” he says quickly, “but yeah, a bit. I don’t think you guys should be moving in together tomorrow anything like that, but he…he’s trying. A lot, I think. And he seems to be getting better. I mean, I haven’t heard him yell at anyone recently. Or since, really. And trying to fuck off into space instead of just talking to us might not have been the _healthiest_ idea either, but, Ben?” Ben nods once, waiting for Joe to continue. “If he hurts you like that again I’ll kill him.”

“I know,” Ben says. “I already told him.”

“So, keeping that in mind,” Joe says, “I think if you guys take it slow, and _talk_ , and that does mean the _both_ of you…then, maybe. Yeah. I think you have a chance.”

“You’re not just saying that?” Ben asks.

Joe shakes his head. “I wouldn’t. I don’t want to see you get hurt, Ben, I wouldn’t lie. I just want you to be happy. Do you think that he could make you happy?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” Ben says. He sighs, leaning against the counter. “That’s not true. Yes, I do. Just, sometimes it feels like we could never work because we’re from such different times, but then I see you and Rami together, and I know that’s not it. I just…I don’t want to be the guy who keeps going back to the assholes. It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“Why’d you kiss him then?” Joe asks. “If you think he's an asshole.” He sighs, slinging his arm around Ben’s shoulders again. “I think you kissed him because you know he’s not.”

Ben smiles at Joe. “Seriously, have you forgotten all the times you said you wanted him dead?” he asks.

Joe shakes his head. “Nope, I have not. And that’s why I think you should go for it. If you want to. Because trust me, Ben, if I’d known you when you were dating Paul, I would’ve gotten you away from him. This isn’t you being stuck alone with an abusive _prick_ with nowhere else to turn. I’ll be watching. Rami will be here. We’ll make sure that you’re okay. And I think if you two work on it, well…I don’t think it’s silly at all.” He smiles at Ben. “Hell, maybe you guys could go to couples therapy or something. Just let’s— considering what happened the last time you guys were alone together, maybe we take it just a bit slower. Just a smidge.”

“I asked him to spend Christmas with me,” Ben says softly.

Joe laughs. “Of course you did. Okay. Well. Ben, I think you’re nervous. And I think that’s fair. You’ve dated one guy before, and he was literally the worst person on the planet, but…if you’d asked me a few months ago if I would be saying this, I would’ve laughed in your face, but Ben…I think you guys could be kind of great together.”

“Really?” Ben asks. 

Joe nods. “I always did. Well, not _always_. July through August kind of sucked, and September wasn’t great either, but before that. I mean, our trip to Wales? I thought you guys were made for each other. That’s _why_ we went on that trip. Rami and I were desperate to get you guys together.”

Ben snorts and rolls his eyes. “Because that wasn’t obvious at all,” he says.

“Oh shut up, you had a great time,” Joe says.

Rami gently clears his throat from the doorway, and both Ben and Joe turn to look at him. “Do we want to get supper before the film?” he asks.

Ben and Joe glance at each other. “Yeah, sure,” Joe says. “Did we decide on a movie?” he asks.

“Do you care either way?” Rami asks.

“As long as you’re good, I’m good,” Joe says.

Rami smiles. “There’s a murder mystery playing.”

“Of course,” Joe says. “ _Why_ are you so into mysteries, babe? Are you secretly planning to murder me?”

Rami shrugs. “Ben, is that alright with you?” he asks.

Ben nods. “Brilliant. Should we go soon, then?”

“I’ll go get Gwil,” Rami says, heading back towards the living room.

Ben sighs, and looks over at Joe. “I just…I’m worried I’ll mess it up,” he says. “The first time we were alone together for five minutes, we shagged. We never talked about our feelings. We hardly know each other, it seems.”

Joe smiles, and nudges Ben, pointing at the flowers. “New beginnings,” he says. “You can start over, figure all that out. That’s the point. He’s staying here for _you_. He wants a second chance.”

“He’s staying for Rami,” Ben says.

“He’s staying for all of us,” Joe says. “Just for different reasons.”

Ben looks over at Joe, about to speak when Rami and Gwil appear at the kitchen again.

“Oh, those look lovely,” Gwil says, looking at the flowers in the vase.

“Thank you,” Ben says. “I love them.”

Gwil smiles at him, and then walks to the door to get his shoes on.

“This is so frigging sappy, I’m dying,” Joe says softly, earning a playful shove from Ben. “What?” Joe says. “I’m a romantic.”

“I hate you,” Ben says softly. He sighs, watching Joe walk out of the kitchen, hears him greet Rami happily. He looks at the flowers again and then pushes himself away from the counter, walking out into the hallway. He watches Joe and Rami pull on their jackets and gloves, then smiles when they lean in to give each other a quick kiss before stepping out of the flat. Ben walks over to slip on his shoes, and grabs his jacket.

Gwil holds the door open for him, gesturing for Ben to walk by him.

“Thank you,” Ben says softly. He slips his hands into his pockets and glances over at Gwil as they follow Rami and Joe downstairs. “Gwil?” he asks.

“Yes?” Gwil asks, looking towards him.

Ben sighs, looking forward again. The four of them step outside, and he’s content to let Joe and Rami lead the way to whichever restaurant they want. He looks over at Gwil again. "I really did love the flowers. Thank you."

"Oh, you're welcome," Gwil says. "My pleasure."

Ben smiles. “Erm, I know we’re stuck with these two,” he says, jerking his chin towards Rami and Joe, who are happily chatting to themselves, “but maybe tonight could be like, a date. Our— our first date.”

Gwil’s steps falter a bit, and Ben stops to watch him steady himself. “I, uh, really?” Gwil asks.

Ben smiles and nods. “Is that alright?” he asks. “Would you, do you want to go out with me?”

“Of course,” Gwil says quickly, and Ben breathes a quiet sigh of relief. “I’d like that. Quite a bit. I really want to try to…I’d like us to try.”

“New beginnings, right?” Ben asks.

Gwil smiles and nods. “Yes, absolutely,” he says. 

“Alright,” Ben says. He looks away, blushing a bit, and then glances back over at Gwil. “Do you think they’re listening to us?” he asks quietly.

“Every damn word,” Joe says.

“It’s quite romantic,” Rami says, glancing back to look at them. “We couldn’t be happier.”

“Please stop,” Ben mutters.

Rami grins and turns back to Joe, looking over at him.

Ben sighs, and then looks down when he feels Gwil reach his hand out to his.

“Is that alright?” Gwil asks softly, slipping his fingers in-between Ben’s.

Ben looks down at their hands and then smiles, nodding. “It is,” he says.

Gwil smiles back, and squeezes Ben’s hand in his. “Good,” he says, and Ben blushes a bit. His heart feels like it might just burst in his chest. _New beginnings_ , he thinks. He quite likes that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • new beginnings! everybody on board? everybody happy? I know a lot happened in this chapter!  
> • just FYI, Augie is my new favourite character and everybody else can eff off I would die for him.  
> • Felix Gwilym Taylor <3 a great name for a great man.  
> • Happy Birthday, Gwil! and all his presents, and Joe cooking for him, oh my gosh.  
> • and they kissed. gosh, they kissed. and it was so soft, haha, and they're dating. they're the best!  
> • this is genuinely the softest thing I've ever written except for chapter 39 which is SO SOFt.  
> • and there's only one official chapter left and I think I'll go cry about it.  
> • (39 will probably be posted on Saturday night so I figured I'd post this early as well)


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (note, rating applies to this chapter)

Ben’s a bit annoyed that Rami and Joe chose the earliest flight to New York, especially now that he’s standing outside their flat, freezing to death, still half-asleep at 3:50 in the bloody morning, waiting for Gwil and the two of them to come down. He thinks he may have actually fallen asleep standing up at one point, because when he hears the sound of Joe calling his name, his eyes shoot open. 

Joe laughs a bit, pulling Ben in towards him. “Oh, look at my grumpy little Ben,” Joe says, rubbing Ben’s back through his winter coat. “Somebody still tired?”

“Please shut up,” Ben mutters, but he’s content to rest his weight against Joe, thinking how warm he is, how soft, and how if he just closes his eyes…

“Please stop sleeping on me,” Joe says. “Gwil, come get your man!” he calls.

“Shh, Joe,” Rami says quietly, “other people are sleeping.”

Joe rolls his eyes but he doesn’t say anything else, stepping back from Ben, letting Gwil step up to him.

“Good morning,” Gwil says softly, smiling at Ben.

“Is it?” Ben murmurs. “Really?”

Gwil chuckles softly, resting his hand on Ben’s lower back. “I think so,” he says. “Not sure those two got any sleep, I heard them up all night giggling and talking to Augie.”

“Joe’ll sleep on the plane,” Ben says, leaning against Gwil. “Did you check to see if they packed the cat?”

“Car’s here,” Joe says, looking over at Ben and Gwil. He picks up his bag, sticking it in the boot, then takes Rami’s bag from him as well. 

“Come on then,” Gwil says to Ben. He holds open the door for him, watching Ben climb into the backseat, before he goes up to the front, sitting beside the driver. Rami and Joe squeeze in the back as well, and Ben closes his eyes, leaning against the window. It’s just a short drive to Victoria Station, and Gwil climbs out first, going to the back to help Joe with his and Rami’s bags, while Rami and Ben get out, and Ben yawns loudly. Rami glances over, insisting that he can take his own bag, but Gwil and Joe just wave him off, and Joe leads the way into the station. He’s the one with their tickets, knowing that Ben would be a goddamn disaster this early in the morning, and they pass through the gates and get on their train, the express straight to Gatwick. Ben shuffles on, and when he finds a seat, he drops down heavily in it. He feels someone sit next to him, and when he looks over, he’s surprised to see that it’s Rami, smiling at him.

“Hi,” Ben says.

“Hi,” Rami replies. “Is it alright if I sit?” he asks.

“Of course,” Ben says, smiling. He shifts a bit in his seat, turning towards him. “How’re you feeling?” he asks.

“I’m nervous,” Rami admits, and Ben nods.

“About the flight?” he asks. “Or about…the family?”

“Both,” Rami says, glancing across the aisle to where Gwil and Joe are sitting together, quietly talking. “Mostly the family. They— what if they don’t like me?” he asks.

“Impossible,” Ben murmurs. “Everyone likes you.”

“What if they think I’m too old for Joe?” Rami continues, ignoring Ben’s comment. “Or too strange? What if they wish he’d found someone from here, someone normal?”

“Rami, please don’t say that about yourself,” Ben says, reaching out to put his hand on Rami’s. “You _are_ normal. It’s…an odd situation, but you are perfect. And perfect for Joe. His family’s going to love you.”

“I—” Rami sighs. “I’ve never— no one’s ever brought me home to meet their family before. Not like this.”

Ben smiles. “I know,” he says. “Because Joe’s your first. If it makes you feel any better, Paul never took me home to meet his family either.”

Rami just looks at him. “I’m sorry,” he says.

Ben shrugs. “Don’t be, they were probably all pricks as well.”

“I’m just so worried,” Rami says. “I want it to go so well; Joe was so kind to invite me home with him, and what if I mess up?”

“You can’t mess it up,” Ben says. “Rami, listen to me. Joe’s family are great, okay? You really think people that raised _him_ like _that_ are going to be a bunch of tossers? They’re really lovely, I promise. You couldn’t mess up if you tried, swear down.” He smiles, and yawns loudly, and then smiles again. “He’s so happy, Rami. I’ve never seen him so happy.”

“Really?” Rami asks. Ben nods. “I…I love knowing I make him feel like that. That’s how he makes me feel too.”

Ben grins and leans over, playfully bumping his shoulder against Rami’s. “He’s so gone for you, mate,” he says. “I’m so chuffed for the two of you.”

Rami smiles. “What about you and Gwil?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “Slowly but surely,” he says softly. Which is true; in the weeks since Gwil’s birthday, they haven’t done anything more than kiss. Even when Gwil stays over at Ben’s, and they sleep together, they just make-out a bit before going to bed, keeping everything above the waist. They rushed too much into it last time, and now they’re both hesitant to take it any faster than that.

“You’re spending Christmas together too,” Rami says. “That’s a big deal.” When Ben just looks away, Rami frowns a bit. “He loves you, you know.”

Ben looks down at that. Rami’s told him that, but Gwil still hasn’t said it. And Ben hasn’t said it to him either. “I’m happy with him, I just get worried sometimes, still. Can’t—” he waves his fingers by his head. “Just think too much for my own good, I suppose.” He shifts a bit in his seat. “It’s alright, though. It’s just me.”

Rami nods understandingly. “I think you’ll be alright,” he says. “It just takes time. You’ll get better. We all will.” He glances back across the aisle again. “Well, except for Joe, there’s nothing wrong with him.”

Ben snorts at that, starting to laugh. “Rami, love has blinded you,” he says, shaking his head. “Joe’s got the most wrong of all of us!” he says, and Rami just grins.

“Hey!” Joe says, leaning across the aisle towards them. “I heard that, Ben. I’ve just managed to trick Rami to come home with me, I don’t need you reminding him how much better he could do.”

“Oh, piss off,” Rami says, then grins at Joe, leaning towards him to give him a kiss.

“Oh, please stop,” Ben mutters, but then he smiles when Rami laughs softly. He looks across the aisle, catching Gwil’s eye, and then Gwil smiles as well. Ben settles back in his seat, tugging up his hoodie, then he turns so that he can see all three of them, and he just keeps on smiling. He’s still pissed that Joe made him get up this early, but that’s alright, he supposes. This isn’t too bad.

\+ + + + +

They get off the train and walk through the airport. After they check in and Joe and Rami drop off their suitcases, there’s enough time for them to find a place to sit together, all four of them, before security. Gwil, Joe, and Rami all get a coffee, but Ben refuses, because he plans on going back to bed as soon as he and Gwil are back in the city and he doesn’t want anything to keep him from falling asleep immediately.

“So, what is Christmas like with the Mazzellos?” Gwil asks, taking a sip of his drink.

“Well,” Joe says, “it’s a lot.” Rami straightens up bit in his seat, and Joe smiles, reaching out to take his hand. “But it’s fun. Uh, lots of board games, lots of food, lots of just…I don’t know, playing with the kids and watching TV and sleeping off turkey comas. It’s great.”

“When was the last time you went back?” Gwil asks.

“Uh, in general,” Joe says, “I went back for my nephew’s birthday in March,” he says. “Right before you yahoos showed up.” Ben smiles at that. “For Christmas though, that was…” He looks over at Ben. “Uh, five years?” he asks. “As soon as I met this guy I was stuck with him, every holiday.”

“Even though I literally never asked,” Ben says, and Rami and Gwil both laugh.

“Okay fine, fine,” Joe says. “Maybe I got a little _too_ attached early on, but I think it’s worked out alright. Besides, Ben’s birthday is right after New Year’s. I can’t leave him alone for that!”

Ben just shrugs. “I’ll be alright; personally, I’m hoping you stay in New York forever,” he says.

“What about me?” Rami asks, at the same time Joe exclaims “hey!”

“Oh, no, Rami, it’s alright, you can come back,” Ben says. “Try and lose this one along the way though, would you?”

“You know,” Joe says, “one day I really will be gone and you’ll regret making jokes like that.”

Guilt twists in the pit of his stomach, and all Ben can think is that he’s so _stupid_ for making jokes like that in front of Gwil and Rami, who really did lose so much and—

“Hey, hey,” Joe says quickly, seeing the look on Ben’s face. “I’m just joking. Yeah? You know I’m not going anywhere. You literally can’t get rid of me, I told you that. We’re dying together or not at all.” He smiles at Ben. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben says softly, and he feels the weight of Gwil’s arm settle against the back of his chair, brushing against him, and he relaxes a bit into it. 

“Don’t worry, okay?” Joe says. “When I’m a ghost I am going to haunt the _shit_ out of you.” He takes a drink and smiles around the table. “What about you guys?” he asks. “Keeping up our traditions?” 

Gwil shrugs. “I don’t know, I think so,” he says. “Not really in the mood to cook a big meal for just the two of us.”

“Hey, there’s three of you,” Joe says.

Gwil smiles, and rolls his eyes. “Fine. I’m not really in the mood to cook a big meal for just the two of us and a _cat_.”

Joe laughs. “So when we get back: we have to cover welcoming us home—”

“Not entirely sure that’s necessary,” Gwil murmurs, smiling at Ben.

“Ben’s birthday, _and_ exchanging Christmas presents,” Joe continues. “It’s gonna be one helluva January 2nd, that’s for sure.” He smiles at the other three. “I’ll have to see what I can find in New York for you guys. Matching Yankees jerseys?” he asks.

Ben smiles and shakes his head, but Gwil just shrugs. “Sure,” he says, and Joe grins widely.

“Oh my god yes,” Joe says excitedly, rubbing his hands together. “Oh man, Gwil, you are in it now. This is going to be great.”

“I think I’ve been in it for awhile now,” Gwil mutters, and Rami smiles at him.

“Some hiccups along the way,” Joe says, nodding, “but yeah! Good. Good good. I wonder what I can find. Ben, any requests?” he asks.

“I’m not requesting my own gift,” Ben says, “birthday _or_ Christmas. Find me something good on your own or don’t bring me back anything at all.”

“Okay, matching Yankees jerseys it is,” Joe says. “Babe, you in on this?” he asks Rami.

“The Yankees aren’t playing now, are they?” Rami asks.

Joe shakes his head. “Nope, season’s over.”

“So, we’ll have to go back to see a game?” Rami says. Joe nods, taking a drink of his coffee. “Maybe all four of us can go. In the spring? That’d be nice,” he says, looking at Gwil and Ben.

Ben and Gwil glance at each other, and then smile, looking back at Rami. “Yeah, brilliant,” Ben says. “I’d love that.”

“Sounds perfect,” Gwil agrees. “I’d love to visit America.”

“Wow!” Joe says. “I’m going to get you all to a baseball game?” he asks. “Fuck me, the Christmas spirit is doing a lot for everyone. I’m on board. Fuck yeah.” He grins at Rami. “What happened to being so nervous? You’re already making plans for a second trip.”

Rami takes a drink and shrugs, leaning against Joe. “I don’t know,” he says. “It might not be so bad.”

Joe smiles and kisses Rami’s forehead. “It’s going to be great,” he says softly.

The four of them sit there until their coffees are finished, and Joe reluctantly pushes his chair back from the table, holding his hand out to Rami. “I guess we gotta go,” he says. “Security, international flights, it’s a bitch.”

“I’ve never been on a plane before,” Rami says, glancing at Ben.

Ben grins. “Yeah, well, we’ve never been on a spaceship before, so. I think you’ll be alright.”

Rami smiles back. They all stand up, and Rami falls back to walk alongside Gwil as Ben moves up to walk beside Joe as they head towards security together.

“So,” Joe says, glancing over at Ben, keeping his voice low. “We’re gonna be gone for two weeks. You’ve got your flat, Gwil’s got a key to ours.” He glances back at Gwil and Rami. “You gonna finally put the moves on him?” he asks.

“Having space to shag isn’t exactly our issue, Joe,” Ben says. “Besides, are you finally gonna put a ring on it?” he asks.

Joe’s eyes widen a bit and he looks down. “I, uh, well…” He trails off and shrugs.

Ben just grins at that. “Okay, fine,” he says. “Keep it a secret, I don’t mind. But to answer your question…I don’t know.”

Joe scoffs. “Oh, come on, Ben,” he says. “What are you waiting for? You— you want that dick.”

“Joe!” Ben exclaims loudly, pushing him away from him.

“Oh god, what now,” Rami mutters as the four of them all come to a stop.

Joe just laughs loudly, looking at Gwil and Rami. “Nothing to see here,” he says, “no big deal. Ben’s just being a drama queen.” He clears his throat, then glances ahead at security. “Give us a minute,” he says to Rami and Gwil, taking Ben by the arm, leading him away towards one of the vending machines.

Gwil and Rami watch them walk away, and then turn back to each other. “So,” Rami says, voice sounding a bit shaky, “I guess…this is it.”

“Not forever,” Gwil says, “god, you sound terrified.”

Rami nods, clutching at his backpack. “I am, a bit,” he admits. “I’m just— it’s just nerves. I know nothing bad’s going to happen, I’m just…anxious.” He smiles a bit and tears spring to his eyes. “Like when we left, remember?”

Gwil smiles and nods, his heart breaking just a bit. He knows that Rami will be fine, he _knows_ , he just hates seeing him like this.

“You practically had to push me up the stairs,” Rami continues, and Gwil chuckles at that.

“I remember it a bit differently,” Gwil says. “It was just a bit of friendly encouragement. You made out alright. Besides, I can’t push you up the stairs this time,” he says. “I’m not sure if planes have stairs, really.”

Rami chuckles softly, then reaches up to wipe at his face. “I love you, you know,” he says.

“Rami,” Gwil says, pulling him into a hug. “I love you, too. But you’re only going to be gone for two weeks,” he says. “You’re alright. You’re going to be with Joe. And his family, I’m sure they’re all so excited to meet you. You’ll have a wonderful time.”

“I want to spend Christmas with you,” Rami says softly, and Gwil swallows hard, squeezing Rami tightly. 

“Oh, Rami, this is going to be so much fun,” Gwil assures him. “I can’t wait to hear all your stories, and— and see your photos, and…oh, Rami. Don’t be worried. It’s just— we’ve gone so much further than New York.”

“But you were with me last time,” Rami says. “I— this is the furthest I’ve ever been without you.”

Gwil squeezes his eyes shut and tries to fight against the tears threatening to spill over, but he fails, and they start running down his cheeks. “Two weeks, Rami,” he says. “That’s all. It’ll go by like that,” he says. “You’re going to have a wonderful time. They’ll— Joe will make sure of it. By the end of it, they’ll be your family too, I just know it. They’ll love you. Everyone loves you.”

Rami pulls back, and Gwil can see his bottom lip still trembling, and he’d be lying if he said that he wasn’t almost considering buying a plane ticket to New York to go with him, but he just smiles. “You can call any time, you know,” he says. “Ben and I will be here. We’re not doing anything. He’s got the whole time off, we’ll just be— at our flat, or at the cinema. Any time you want to talk.”

Rami smiles up at him. “At whose flat?” he asks, and Gwil blinks a couple times, thinking about what he said.

“At Ben’s flat,” he corrects himself, and Rami just nods.

“Oh, hmm,” Rami says, and Gwil tries not to roll his eyes.

“I misspoke, Rami,” Gwil says. “It’s— I think Ben and I have a _lot_ further to go before we think about something like that.”

“Oh, so you’re still looking for a flat of your own, then?” Rami asks, teasing.

Gwil laughs softly. “I am, actually. Ben managed to get me quite the retirement package, so perhaps I could afford something as posh as yours.”

“I think Ben would live with you in a heartbeat,” Rami says.

“I’m not asking him to,” Gwil says, “we’re taking it _slow_ , remember?”

“Oh yes, is that what it’s called?” Rami asks and Gwil just shakes his head with a smile. “What about telling him you love him?”

Gwil opens his mouth to speak, then pauses, unsure of what to say. 

“You _do_ love him,” Rami says. “You told me you do.”

“Yes, of course I do,” Gwil says softly, glancing over at Ben and Joe. “It just hasn’t been the right moment yet. I— I just can’t stop thinking about when he said it to me, and I didn’t say it back. I just want it to be perfect.” He sighs, and looks back over at Ben and Joe, who are quietly speaking.

“Could you please not announce to the whole airport about me wanting dick?” Ben asks softly.

“Oh, everybody knows,” Joe says. “This is the 21st century! And look at Gwil! Everybody wants that dick. But only one man alive has been lucky enough to have it.”

“Joe, you need to stop,” Ben says. “Or else I’m going to think you’re a bit jealous.”

“Of you or him?” Joe asks, winking at him.

“Oh god,” Ben mutters.

“Hey, you’re gonna miss me,” Joe says.

Ben smiles at that, and nods. “I know, I am. I would’ve loved to have you here for Christmas. I’m most particularly going to miss your usual attempt at kissing me on New Year’s Eve.” Joe grins at that. “But no, of course I am. I— I—”

“Love me,” Joe says, “yes, you can say it.”

“I love you,” Ben says. “And you love me.”

“Damn right I do,” Joe says, pulling him into a hug. “I’m— I’m bummed I won’t see you this Christmas, Benny.”

Ben pats Joe on the back a couple times. “It’s alright,” he assures him. “I’ll be fine.”

“I know you will,” Joe says softly. He pulls back, and glances over at Gwil and Rami. “I do just…want you to be happy, you know.”

Ben smiles, nodding. “I think that’s what we all want.”

“He’s probably gonna cry, you know,” Joe says. “At some point. Break down. He still seems pretty emotional.”

“I know,” Ben says softly. “I think we all are. But we’ll be alright, yeah? You know Rami’s going to cry when you ask him.”

“I’m not asking him anything!” Joe says.

Ben just grins and shakes his head. “You’re a terrible liar.” He sighs and slings his arm around Joe’s shoulders. “Come on, if we don’t get you through security you’ll miss your plane.” They walk back over to Rami and Gwil, and Ben notes the tears on both their faces. “Everything alright?” he asks.

“Just nerves,” Rami says quietly. “I’m going to miss Augie.”

Ben smiles and pulls Rami into a hug. “Joe’s family is going to love you,” he whispers. “There’s not a single thing you have to worry about, I promise. You’re going to have a wonderful time.”

Rami smiles, and nods. “Okay,” he says. “You too, okay? Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas,” Ben says, pulling back. “You’ll have a brilliant time, I swear. Just have fun. And don’t worry about Augie, he’ll be fine with us.”

“Oh god, not this Happy Christmas shit,” Joe mutters. “It’s merry! Merry!” He sighs, looking over at Gwil. “Well, Gwilym.”

Gwil smiles down at him. “Joseph,” he says. Joe grins. “Thank you," Gwil says.

“For what?” Joe asks.

Gwil shrugs. “Everything. I just…thank you. I, uh, don’t know really. I’ll miss you.”

Joe smiles and nods. “I’ll miss you too, big guy.” Gwil opens his mouth to say something but before he can, Joe cuts him off. “And before you come at me with ‘ _oh, I highly doubt that_ ,’” he says, trying to imitate Gwil’s accent, “I will. Have a good Christmas. I’ll see you in 2040.”

Gwil nods, blinking a couple times as he processes that. 2040. It stings a bit to hear, but it also sounds like it might be something to look forward to. “Alright,” he says finally. “Hap— _Merry_ Christmas.”

Joe grins and reaches up, pulling Gwil into a hug, holding him close. “And a Happy New Year,” he says, squeezing him tightly.

“Have a safe flight,” Gwil says, patting Joe on the back. He steps back, and Joe smiles when he sees Ben immediately reach out to take Gwil’s hand.

“Bye,” Rami says softly, waving at them both. “We’ll call when we land, okay? Or— the time difference, is that alright?” he asks.

“Call whenever you’d like,” Gwil says, waving at him. “Never worry about the time, day or night, okay?”

“Have fun!” Ben calls, watching Joe reach out, trying to lead Rami towards security. “Take care, yeah?”

“Bye!” Joe says, waving before reaching out to grab Rami’s hand again.

“Bye,” Rami says again, and Gwil smiles at him. “Take care of Augie!”

“Love you!” Joe calls behind him. “Both!”

Ben laughs softly, and Gwil grins. “Love you more!” Gwil calls out, and Joe practically cackles as they make their way towards security. Ben laughs again, shaking his head. They stand there until Rami and Joe are out of sight, and then they stand there just a bit longer, and finally, Ben yawns loudly, breaking them out of the moment.

“Let’s get you back to bed,” Gwil says, squeezing Ben’s hand.

“Mm-hmm,” Ben murmurs, nodding as they turn, walking with Gwil back to the train. Ben falls asleep on the ride back to Victoria Station, waking up to Gwil gently shaking him. Ben grumbles a bit, but follows behind Gwil to the tube. It’s chilly when they step out into the early morning at Leicester Square, but it’s just a short walk back to Ben’s building. He fumbles tiredly with his key to the front door, and stomps heavily up the stairs to his flat. He yawns loudly as he and Gwil step inside, greeted by the warmth. 

Gwil glances at his watch as he takes off his jacket, reaching down to untie his boots. Ben does the same, and then pulls off his hoodie, leaving him in a t-shirt. “Do you want to set an alarm?” Gwil asks, following behind Ben into his room.

Ben scoffs, shaking his head, then he yawns again. “Where do we need to be?” he asks. 

Gwil smiles, watching Ben push down his jeans, grabbing a pair of joggers off the floor, tugging them on. “Nowhere, I suppose,” he says. Gwil pushes down his own trousers, and pulls off his jumper, and walks over to Ben’s bed. “I am retired, after all. And Augie can wait a few hours.”

Ben smiles at that, climbing in alongside Gwil, curling up on his side. Gwil tugs the blankets up around them, rolling onto his side as well. “Get some sleep,” he says, leaning in to give Ben a quick kiss, settling his arm over Ben’s waist, pulling him in.

“Mm,” Ben murmurs, nodding, burying his face in Gwil’s chest. “You too,” he says, barely audible, and it’s not long before they’re both asleep.

\+ + + + +

Rami and Joe are on a smaller flight first to Dublin, one that’s not comfortable or long enough for either of them to get much sleep. Joe just holds Rami’s hand the whole time, smiling at the idea that a man who flew at speeds faster than light for a year is so anxious at a little turbulence. It’s cute though, and Joe doesn’t mind getting to be the protective boyfriend.

Rami is torn between looking out the window and seeing everything beneath them, or just focusing on Joe and pretending that they’re just on a train, or the tube. Every time there’s a little bump in the flight, he stops breathing for a second and squeezes Joe’s hand. 

They get off the plane in Dublin, stepping out into a grey, drizzly morning, and make their way into the airport. They settle at their gate and wait for their connecting flight. Joe gets them something to eat, and they curl up together on the floor by an outlet, watching a television show on Rami’s laptop. After a couple hours, they push themselves up, and get in line to board their flight to Newark.

After they’re seated on the plane, Rami with the window seat, Joe on the aisle, Rami curls up against the wall, one of the small pillows barely supporting his head as he tugs the blanket over himself.

“Get some sleep,” Joe says softly, helping Rami tuck the blanket around him. He leans over and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. “It’s a long flight,” he says.

“Okay,” Rami says, taking a deep breath, trying to settle in.

Joe himself is a pretty terrible flyer in terms of boredom and fidgeting; he puts his headphones in and listens to podcasts for what feels like forever but when Rami yawns and looks over at him, Joe realizes it’s only been just over two hours. Joe smiles at Rami. “Still a long way to go,” he says. “Feeling good?”

Rami nods. “Worried about the time difference,” he says. “We’ll get there and be so tired already.”

“That’s okay,” Joe says. “You can sleep a bit on the car ride up. Not too much, though. We’re gonna try to make it to ten or eleven tonight, okay? Hopefully we’ll adjust quickly.”

“Okay,” Rami says. “Are you watching anything?” he asks, turning so that he can rest against him.

“No, do you want to?” Joe asks. Rami nods. “Okay, your pick. I’m just gonna watch whatever that person three rows up and over is watching.”

Rami laughs. “What do you mean?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “That’s what you do on planes. Nobody watches their own TV, Rami. Come on.”

Rami looks at Joe for a moment, clearly trying to see if he’s being serious or not. “Well, I’d like to watch something on my computer,” he says finally. 

Joe nods. “You do you,” he says, and Rami just looks at him again until Joe grins. “I mean, I’m not joking, but you can put on whatever you want, I don’t mind.”

“What was that film you said you watched when you were younger?” Rami asks. “The scary one, that you weren’t supposed to see but you snuck in with John? About ghosts? And their mum?”

Joe grins. “ _That’s_ what you want to watch on a flight? _Hereditary_?”

Rami shrugs. “It sounded interesting.”

“Uh, sure thing, babe,” Joe says, chuckling. “Whatever you want.” Joe just makes sure to angle the laptop so that nobody near them can see what they’re watching and think they’re weirdos.

Afterwards, as the credits roll, Rami just stares at the screen, a little shocked.

“Well?” Joe asks. “Did you like it?” Rami nods. “Scary, huh?” Rami nods again. “Are you speechless?”

“How old did you say you were when you saw this?” Rami asks, looking over at him.

“Uh…” Joe trails off, thinking. “Probably…fourteen or fifteen?”

“So, John would have been _how_ old?” Rami asks.

“Twelve?” Joe says. “I don’t know.”

“Oh my god, Joe,” Rami says. “You were a _terrible_ big brother! I can’t believe you took him to see that!”

Joe laughs loudly. “Hey, John’s an idiot, he was as into it as I was. And I think it only traumatized him a little bit. And it got him off my back. Any time he was an annoying little shit after that, I just told him he’d end up like Charlie if he didn’t leave me alone.”

Rami gasps a little bit. “ _Joe_!” he says, pushing at him a little. “That’s terrible!”

Joe just shrugs. “That’s what big brothers do. See, you don’t get it, since you and Sami were the same age. Different power dynamics. I had to make sure he knew who was the boss.”

“That’s awful,” Rami says, “I’m never going to let our children be as mean to each other as you were,” he says, shaking his head. “Yasmine teased us, but—” He stops talking when he sees the look on Joe’s face. “What?” he asks. Joe just grins at Rami. “What?” he asks again.

“Nothing,” Joe says. “Just…our children. That’s what you said.”

“Oh,” Rami says, thinking back on his words. “Well…yes,” he says. “I…do you not…” He shakes his head. “That’s— that’s silly, we’re—” He clears his throat, looking down at his lap. “It’s too soon for all that,” he says softly.

“Okay,” Joe says, but he can’t stop smiling at Rami. “You wanna watch something else?” he asks finally.

“Did they make any other movies?” Rami asks, tapping at the screen. “The director?”

Joe nods. “Sure did,” he says. “You wanna keep going?”

Rami glances at his watch, and nods. “We have time for a couple more,” he says. “I wish the flight was shorter, my legs are starting to get uncomfortable.”

“We’ll go for a quick walk around the airport when we land,” Joe says. “Stretch you out before I stick you back in a car for a couple hours. Sound good?”

Rami nods, watching Joe search for the next movie, snuggling against him.

\+ + + + +

They land in Newark, where Joe’s rented a car to drive them north to Hyde Park. They walk around the airport for about half an hour, talking on the phone to Gwil and Ben, before they get their keys, and Joe sticks their suitcases in the back. He inputs the address and then settles back, letting the car drive itself onto the highway. “Okay?” he asks.

Rami nods, looking around. “Different side of the road,” he says softly, and Joe smiles.

“Don’t worry, it’s all safe,” Joe says. “Anything else bothering you?” he asks. Rami just shakes his head. “Okay, go to sleep then, if you want.”

And Rami is tired, but he can’t sleep now. He’s still so nervous, and the closer and closer they get to Joe’s home and his family, the more he starts to worry. There’s no way that they’ll think he’s good enough for Joe. He just knows it. They’ll think he’s strange, that he’s just some project that Joe picked up, and they won’t understand that they’re actually in _love_. Rami doesn’t think he’s ever been this frightened or nervous before, because he just so desperately wants it to go well. He knows how important Joe’s family is to him; he knows if they don’t like him, Joe will side with them. Though rationally he knows that Joe’s never said a single thing to suggest that his family might not welcome him, Rami’s just so used to feeling out of place, so unwelcome. It’s a long drive to Hyde Park, and it’s mostly silent, except the occasional sounds of Joe singing along to the radio, or pointing out things along the way. There’s a lot of trees, more than Rami expected, but they’re mostly covered in snow, their leaves already having fallen away. It’s hard to tell, but he does think it looks beautiful here.

They start seeing signs, saying just how close they are, and Rami starts twisting his hands together, feet bouncing up and down nervously.

“Hey,” Joe says, reaching over to take Rami’s hand. “Come on, talk to me. Augie’s _fine_ , so is Gwil, if that’s—”

“Will they mind that I’m Egyptian?” Rami blurts out, and Joe immediately makes a face.

“What, who?” he asks. “My family?”

Rami nods. “Do they know, did you tell them?”

“Yeah, of course I did,” Joe says. “They know all about you. Rami, trust me, please, not a single one of them will care, I promise you that. I mean, the kids are probably going to have some _dumb_ questions about space, so please be prepared for that, but no, babe, nobody cares that you’re Egyptian. Or—”

“Old?” Rami interrupts.

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Joe says. “But…yes. Okay? I have explained it to them. It’s a different kind of situation, okay, you’re not like anyone I’ve ever dated before, but babe. Come on.”

“You don’t get it,” Rami says.

Joe bites on his lip, and then nods. “Yeah, no, you’re right. Okay? I— I don’t. I know you’ve been through shit I don’t understand, but babe, you have to trust me. If I thought for a second that my family was going to say or do _anything_ to hurt you, I wouldn’t be bringing you home, okay? I wouldn’t even talk to them anymore. I know you’re scared, but just think of me, okay? I wouldn’t do that. It’s going to be fine. Perfect, honestly. Or almost. Promise.”

Rami swallows hard, picking at his thumbnail. “Why almost?” he asks. 

“Why almost what?” Joe asks. “Just almost perfect?” Rami nods. Joe smiles sadly. “Because…my dad’s not there,” he says. “And, I always— I really wanted him to meet the person I loved, and he won’t. He can’t, so. That’s why.”

Rami nods, and then sniffles, throwing himself over the seat at Joe, wrapping his arms around him. “I’m sorry, Joe,” he says softly.

“It’s okay, babe,” Joe says, rubbing Rami’s back. “If anyone understands, it’s you. Just— know that, okay? I love my family, but I love you. And if I thought they would do anything, we’d be back in London with Gwil and Ben right now. And if they _do_ do anything, that’s where we’ll be, next flight back. Promise.”

Rami pulls back, smiling, and then nods. He gives Joe a kiss, and then settles back in his seat. “Okay,” he says. “I trust you.”

“Good,” Joe says. “Besides, all the family you made me meet— I mean, _Leo_? Come on, babe, you kind of owe me.”

Rami laughs loudly. “He’s not _that_ bad,” he says.

“Oh, he is,” Joe says. “He is and I hate him.”

Rami snorts and rolls his eyes, reaching over to take Joe’s hand, holding onto it for the rest of the drive.

\+ + + + +

They roll their suitcases up the snowy driveway, and Joe looks over at Rami, smiling. “The kids can be kind of a lot,” he says, “so fair warning. They can be like dogs when someone new comes over. But they should all be okay after awhile.”

Rami nods. “Okay,” he says, taking a deep breath, looking up at the house nervously.

Joe grins and walks up the steps to the front door, and then glances back at Rami again. “You good?” he asks.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” Rami says. “I…okay.”

“Okay,” Joe says softly, before pushing the front door open. “Mom!” he calls out. “The prodigal son returns!”

Rami laughs at that, rolling his eyes. He takes a step towards the door, then freezes when he hears a loud squeal coming towards them.

“Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe!” a little girl yells, moving as fast as her legs can carry her.

“Leah!” Joe exclaims, letting go of his suitcase to swoop down and pick her up. “There’s my girl!” he says. “Hi! You’re so big! How are you?”

“I have _no_ idea,” Leah says, and Joe just laughs, turning so that she can get a better look at Rami. “Who’s that?” she asks.

“That is my boyfriend Rami,” Joe says. “Rami, this is Leah. John’s daughter.”

“Hello,” Rami says, giving her a quick wave.

“Hi,” Leah says, before turning back to Joe. “Where were you?”

“Where was I?” Joe asks, stepping further into the house. He reaches back to grab his bag but Rami just waves him off, taking both of them inside the house. “I live in London, sweetie, you know that.”

“Where’s that?”

“London’s in England,” Joe replies, toeing off his sneakers.

“Where’s that?”

Rami smiles, closing the door behind him, taking off his shoes as well, looking around the house. Even just the entranceway is warm, filled with light and pictures of Joe’s family.

“England is in Europe, all the way on the other side of the ocean,” Joe says. “Now I _know_ you know where the ocean is, so don’t ask.” Leah laughs and squirms a bit in Joe’s arms. “Where’s your dad?” Joe asks. 

“Napping,” Leah says.

“Well,” Joe says, leaning down to let Leah out of his arms, "go get him. Tell him I’m home and wanna see him. Mom!” he calls again.

“Coming, coming,” Joe’s mother says, coming down the stairs. She stops when she sees them both, smiling widely. “Oh, Joe,” she says, opening her arms and letting Joe run into them. “How was the flight? How are you? How were the roads on the drive? Are you cold?”

“Okay, Mom,” Joe says, “I’m fine, I’m fine. The flight was fine. The roads are fine. I’m not cold. How are you?” he asks.

“Good,” she says, looking over at Rami. “You must be Rami,” she says.

Rami smiles nervously, nodding. “I am, yes,” he says. “Thank you for inviting me to your house for Christmas, Mrs. Mazzello.”

“Oh, of course,” she says, grinning. “And please, call me Ginnie.” She steps over to Rami, opening her arms. “We’re huggers here, if that’s alright.”

Rami glances over at Joe, and then nods. “Uh, yes,” he says. “Of course.” He lets Ginnie pull him into her arms, looking at Joe over her shoulder, who’s practically beaming at them. “Joe’s…pretty friendly, so I picked up on that,” he says.

Ginnie turns back to Joe, who just shrugs. “Yes, of course. And how are you? I’m so happy to finally meet you! Joe’s told us so much!”

Rami swallows, wondering just how much _so much_ is, but he tries to remember that he has no reason to worry. Joe loves him, he’s not going to hurt him, Joe’s family is great. “I’m happy to finally meet you as well,” he says. “I, I’m fine. Um, a bit…overwhelmed. It was my first time on a plane.”

“Oh, but you’ve flown so far!” Ginnie says. “A plane is nothing, I imagine. You could probably build one from scratch, couldn’t you? Joe says you’re an engineer.” Rami nods. “Well, I am _very_ excited to have one of the Mercury twenty in my house for Christmas.”

“Ugh, Mom,” Joe groans. “Can we not?”

“What?” Ginnie asks. “I’m just saying, I remember learning about them when I was a girl. When we found out that you came home, I was just so happy. And then to find out that Joe was working with you! And then that you were dating, I—”

“Mom,” Joe says again. “Please.”

If it were anybody else, Rami wouldn’t be a huge fan of being called the ‘Mercury twenty’ but he knows that Joe’s mother means no harm, she’s not trying to turn him into a sideshow or anything. She’s just interested. “It’s alright, Joe,” he says. He’s about to say more, when loud footsteps come running down the stairs and they all turn, seeing someone Rami assumes must be John. Who immediately jumps into Joe’s arms despite being bigger than him.

“Oh my god,” Joe says in surprise, stumbling back a bit, trying to grab onto a small table to balance himself, knocking over a couple picture frames.

“Boys, please not in the house, it’s all I ask,” Ginnie says, walking over to straighten up the photos. “You’re worse than the children.”

Rami just stands there, awkwardly watching Joe and his brother greet each other, big grins on each of their faces as they tease each other. It makes him miss Sami even more, he thinks, and he looks down, reaching out to grip onto the handle of his suitcase.

“Rami?” Joe asks, reaching out to him. Rami looks back up. “This is my brother, John,” he says.

“Hi,” Rami says, reaching out his hand out to John.

John just grins and laughs a bit, obviously expecting a hug, but he takes Rami’s hand anyway, shaking it heartily. “So _you’re_ the one my brother won’t shut up about.”

Rami nods, glancing over at Joe. “I hope so, anyway,” he says, and John laughs loudly at that.

“Oh great,” John nods, “you’ll fit right in. Come on in, god, Joe, you just left him with the bags?” he asks, gesturing towards the suitcases. “What kind of host are you?”

“I was _going_ to help,” Joe says, “but I was ambushed by your kid as soon as we came in. God, give me a minute.” He sighs. “Where are we sleeping?” he asks.

“Congrats,” John says, clapping Joe on the back. “You’re in the spare bedroom.”

“Ugh, the basement?” Joe asks. “Why?” 

“Because the kids wanted your room,” John explains. “They like all the dinosaurs.”

Joe blushes a bit and glances over at Rami. “There are no dinosaurs in my room,” he says.

“Joe’s room hasn’t been redecorated since he was like, nine,” John says. “He had a big ole dinosaur phase. Dinosaurs and baseball, all over the place.”

“Please stop,” Joe mutters, grabbing his suitcase. “Come on, Rami,” he says, “let’s get settled in before John bothers us enough to leave. Where’s Mary?” he asks.

“Left work late,” John says. “Big case. We’re waiting for her for dinner, though.”

“Cool,” Joe says. “We’re going to go unpack, let us know when it’s ready.”

“Sure. Just remember that we can _hear_ you,” John says as Leah darts by them.

“Oh my god, John!” Joe exclaims, and Rami smiles as John laughs. “I should’ve convinced Mom and Dad to give you away when I had the chance.”

“Too late!” John says. “See you guys in a bit!” He turns, running after Leah.

Joe leads Rami through the kitchen to the basement staircase, flicking on the lights, and lifting up his suitcase, awkwardly carrying it down the stairs. “Sorry we’re stuck down here,” Joe says. “I’d argue but…I like the kids too much.”

“It’s fine,” Rami says. “Will we be cold?” he asks, his suitcase thumping down the stairs.

“No, it’s actually pretty nice down here,” Joe says. “Bedroom, bathroom. There’s just a lot of stuff. All our old books, Mom’s sewing stuff, laundry room, baseball memorabilia. Like 40 years of junk, you know?” He walks through a small living area, pointing out the bathroom as they go, then flicks on the light in the bedroom. “Home sweet home,” he says, looking around.

“It’s nice,” Rami says, looking around. It’s pretty sparse, clearly this isn’t a room that’s regularly lived in, but he doesn’t mind it. 

“He’s lying, by the way,” Joe says, looking back from where he’s started putting clothes into the large dresser. “If we shut this door and the door upstairs, nobody would hear us. Not when they’re in bed, anyway; they’d be two floors up.”

Rami just blushes a bit, sitting down on the bed, looking around a bit more. “I’m not that worried about it,” he says. 

“Oh my god, babe,” Joe says, turning around, “ _please_ tell me you’re not saying no sex for two weeks? Rami, no! That’s it, we’re going back to London right now!”

Rami laughs. “It’s just a bit…odd, isn’t it? With children in the house?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “My parents have three kids. I doubt they stuck Mary out in the car while they were working on me.”

“Joe!” Rami exclaims, laughing loudly. “That’s terrible!”

“Oh, god,” Joe mutters, unpacking more of his clothes. “I get it. I’m a terrible son, terrible brother. What else?”

Rami stands up, walking over to Joe, wrapping his arms around his waist. “Terrible boyfriend,” he says.

“I knew it,” Joe says.

“Awful best friend,” Rami continues.

“So you’ve been talking to Ben, I see,” Joe says, nodding.

“Hmm, what else,” Rami says, playfully thinking. “Umm, just the worst uncle.”

“Yup, they hate me,” Joe agrees.

Rami laughs and turns Joe around, pressing him up against the dresser, kissing him. “I love you,” he says.

“Yeah?” Joe asks. “Even though I’m the worst person you’ve ever met?” he asks, reaching up to playfully tug on one of Rami’s curls.

Rami nods. “Especially because. It makes me look better by comparison.”

Joe laughs at that and pulls Rami in for another kiss. “Trust me, by the end of this, everyone in my family will like you more than they like me, I promise.”

Rami laughs softly. “That sounds nice,” he says, and Joe grins, kissing him again. 

“You wanna have a nap before we eat?” Joe asks. “Or do you wanna have a _nap_?” he asks, winking. 

Rami laughs. “Maybe not tonight,” he says, “if that’s alright. I’m tired.”

Joe nods. “Of course, babe, I was just joking. I would never— you know.”

“I know,” Rami says. “I just…we should unpack— oh, can we shower? Before dinner? I feel sort of…stale? If that makes sense.”

“Definitely,” Joe says. “There should be towels and all that in there, but check for soap and whatever. I’m not sure how often Mom replaces it. I’ll unpack, okay?”

Rami nods, and gives Joe another kiss, then steps back, walking to the bathroom.

\+ + + + +

Joe and Rami are both absolutely starving by the time Mary shows up and they manage to wrangle the children to the dinner table, but the food looks so delicious that it’s hard to complain. Rami just hopes his stomach doesn’t grumble too loud before they get a chance to eat. He picks up his fork, ready to dig in, when Ginnie speaks.

“Who wants to say grace?” she asks, and Rami drops his fork.

“Sorry,” he says, looking down.

Ginnie just smiles. “Joe?” she asks. “Since it’s your first dinner here in so long?”

“Ugh, sure,” Joe says. He reaches out, taking Rami’s hand, and then John’s on the other side, and closes his eyes.

Rami looks around the table, and sees that one of Joe’s nephews also has his eyes open, and Rami makes a funny face at him. The boy giggles and shuts his eyes.

“Father, thank you for bringing us together today to share this meal, bless those that were not able to be here, and help us in welcoming new members to the family, in Jesus’ name, Amen.” Joe smiles over at Rami, and then reaches out, grabbing one of the dishes in the middle. “That’s okay, I hope?” Joe asks softly.

Rami nods. “It’s fine,” he says.

Joe smiles and gives him a quick kiss before starting to dish out some of the food.

“Ew!” one of the children says, giggling. “Joe kissed him!”

“Kissing is gross,” one of the other kids says, and Joe rolls his eyes.

“Kissing’s _not_ gross,” Joe says, “you’re gross.”

“Joe, please don’t call the children gross,” Ginnie says.

“You know babies are made by kissing,” Joe says, looking at the kids. “So if people didn’t kiss, you wouldn’t be here! Your mommy and daddy kissed!”

“Ew!” the kids yell, and Joe laughs.

“Does that mean you’re going to have a baby?” Leah asks, looking at Rami.

Rami shakes his head. “No, I can’t have a baby,” he says. He swallows, and looks over at Joe.

“Where are you from?” Leah asks.

Joe sighs. “Leah, I told you, Rami’s from London, that’s where I live.”

“He talks funny,” Leah says.

“No, he doesn’t,” Joe says. “He has an accent. That’s how everyone in London sounds. You have an accent too.”

“No, I don’t,” Leah says.

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you _do_.”

“Is arguing with a toddler really the way you want to go, Joe?” Mary asks.

Joe shrugs. “Can’t be any worse than the idiots I deal with back home, right, babe?” he asks, leaning back against Rami.

“You mean our best mates?” Rami asks.

“Exactly!” Joe says.

Rami laughs and shakes his head.

“So, Rami,” Ginnie says, looking over at him. “How have you been adjusting?” she asks.

“Mom!” Joe says.

“What?” Ginnie asks. “We’re just…not supposed to ask? What can we talk about then?” she asks.

“Just don’t be weird,” Joe says.

“Are you planning on going back to work, Rami?” Mary asks, leaning forward a bit.

Joe smiles over at Rami, who just nods. “Uh, yes, I am,” he says. “Eventually. In a couple of years, probably. I’d like to be an engineer again.”

“You can tell them,” Joe says quietly. “If you want.”

Rami draws a quick breath and then nods again. “I’m actually going back to uni,” he says.

“Oh yes, Joe mentioned you were applying,” Ginnie says. “That’s wonderful.”

“He didn’t just apply,” Joe says.

“I was accepted,” Rami says, and all the adults around the table loudly congratulate him while Joe just smiles over at him, watching him proudly.

“Where are you going?” John asks.

“Imperial College,” Rami says. “They have an aeronautical engineering department, and they were really eager to help, after— well, once they found out who I am. They really wanted me to go there, I think. They’re letting me do my MSc, instead starting over with another undergraduate.”

“And they gave him a great scholarship,” Joe says.

“That’s awesome,” John says, “congratulations.”

“Did you apply to lots of places?” Mary asks.

Rami nods. “I did. All over. Just…some for fun, really. But I really wanted to go there, so. I’m happy.”

“And that’s in London?” John’s wife asks.

Rami nods. “It is, yes. It’s where I was born and raised, so I…just wanted to stay, I guess.”

Joe beams over at him and leans in to give him another kiss. “So,” he says, turning back to his family, “I guess this is also my way of saying please stop asking when I’m going to be moving back here, because I think I’ll be in London for a long, _long_ time.”

“Aww,” Mary says softly, and Ginnie just smiles over at them.

“Ugh, you’re so cheesy,” John mutters, and Joe rolls his eyes, but with a smile on his face.

“The cheesiest,” Joe says, and the way he looks at Rami makes him feel like he’s the only person in the room.

\+ + + + +

Joe closes the bedroom door and then runs over to the bed, quickly jumping in before he gets too chilly.

Rami laughs, bouncing up a bit as Joe hits the mattress, and then lays back, settling on the pillows. “You’re in a good mood,” he says.

Joe grins. “I think I’m just so tired I’ve become delusional,” he says. “It’s what, four am right now, back home?”

“I’m tired too,” Rami says. He smiles. “But I had a lovely time.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks. Rami nods. “They’re not too weird?” he asks.

“I—” Rami stops to think, and Joe laughs. “No, they’re not too weird,” he says. “No weirder than you.”

“I’m hard to beat,” Joe says. He tugs the blankets up around them and curls onto his side, tucking himself against Rami. “I kind of can’t believe you’re here with me,” he says.

Rami smiles, resting his arm around Joe. “Why?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess I— I keep thinking about when we first met, and I thought you were like, this…I mean, _so_ handsome, and so smart, and I just thought, this guy’s so beautiful and he’s way too good for me. I mean, if I think about it too much, I still can’t believe you kissed me at all.”

Rami smiles, and kisses the top of Joe’s head. “That seems like so long ago now, but it really wasn’t,” he says. “Do you ever think we’re moving too fast?” he asks.

Joe shrugs. “Maybe,” he says, “but I mean, I don’t care if you don’t. I think we’re moving just fast enough for us. And it’s great. What about you?”

“I don’t know,” Rami says. “Sometimes, but then I think…well, I don’t know. Time’s a bit strange to me now. And it can go by so quickly, or you can lose it. I’d rather we move too fast than not fast enough, and miss out.”

Joe looks up at him, smiling. “Trust me,” he says. “No missing out for us.”

“Promise?” Rami asks.

Joe nods, and pushes himself up just enough to press his lips to Rami’s, before settling back down. “Promise,” he says softly, and Rami smiles.

\+ + + + +

Gwil slowly wakes up, groaning softly as he reaches out to touch Ben, then realizes he’s not there. He lifts his head in confusion; Ben, the worst morning person, is never out of bed before Gwil is. He pushes the blankets off him and reaches down to grab his t-shirt off the floor, tugging it on. He walks out into the flat, seeing Ben curled up on the sofa, laptop balanced on his lap beside Augie, a blanket tugged up so high that part of it is covering Ben’s head like a hood. Gwil laughs softly. “Good morning,” he says.

“Morning,” Ben says, glancing over at him. “Sleep well?”

“Wonderfully,” Gwil nods. After they’d gotten up yesterday from their nap, they’d gone out for lunch, went to Rami and Joe’s flat to pick up Augie and bring him back here, then went to see a film. They came back to Ben’s flat and ate and just watched television almost all night, briefly chatting to Rami and Joe on the phone. Both of their doctors are on holiday right now, and so they have no appointments to go to. It makes Gwil feel a little lazy, a little antsy, but he doesn’t mind it, really. Not with Ben. And once again, they’d gone to bed, snogged for a bit, and then fell asleep. He doesn’t mind that either. “You’re up early,” he says. “Well, early for you.”

Ben nods. “The office called. And Augie wouldn’t let me get back to sleep.”

“You’re on holiday,” Gwil says, sitting down next to Ben, trying not to laugh at the fact that Ben looks like a child under all his blankets. He reaches over, picking up the cat, smiling when he meows. “Hi,” he says softly.

“I know,” Ben nods. “But they just need me to do this one thing, and then run into the office for just a tick, then I’ll be done. I promise.”

“Ben, you’re on holiday,” Gwil says again. 

Ben sighs and looks up, closing his laptop just a bit. “I know. I just…” Gwil raises an eyebrow. “I don’t know,” he says, shaking his head. He closes his laptop all the way and carefully sets it on the floor. He turns in his giant pile of blankets to look at Gwil. “I like my job,” he says. “It’s one of the few things I ever thought I was good at.”

“It’s not the only thing you’re good at, Ben,” Gwil says.

“Like what else?” Ben asks.

Gwil opens his mouth to speak, but he hesitates too long.

Ben scoffs. “See? Even my boyfriend can’t think of anything I’m good at,” he says, shaking his head. He reaches out to grab his laptop again, stopped by Gwil’s hand on his.

“That’s not what I said, Ben,” Gwil says. “If you just let me speak: you’ve got a bloody law degree. You’re so smart. If you want to work for the IIS, do it, but not because you think you can’t do anything else. Quit and— and become a writer.”

“A writer?” Ben repeats. “I don’t write.”

“Or anything,” Gwil says. “I know you’re good at what you do, but I refuse to believe it’s the _only_ thing you’re good at.” He smiles over at him. “Retire with me and we’ll travel the world.”

Ben smiles at that. “You can’t really just retire whenever you want, Gwil. If I did it, it’d just be quitting. Sort of a different thing. Besides, are you going to support me?”

“I’ll always look after you,” Gwil says.

Ben laughs at that. “You want me to quit my job and let you pay for everything and just whisk me away around the world?” Gwil shrugs, and Ben laughs again, crawling towards Gwil, tugging his blankets along. He picks up Augie, and settles on Gwil’s lap. “Well, alright then,” he says. “If you insist.”

Gwil smiles and gives Ben a kiss, hands settling on his thighs. “I insist that you find a job that makes you happy,” he says. “One that you choose because you want to do it, not because you’re trying to hide from someone in a different city.”

Ben nods, looking down at that. He kisses the top of the cat’s head. “That’s fair,” he says. He sighs. “Just let me get through Christmas,” he says. “I just have to run into the office today, and that’ll be it, I swear. I won’t go back until after my birthday, like I said.”

“Okay,” Gwil says, pressing a kiss to Ben’s forehead. “And what about quitting?”

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says. “What if I try something new and I’m rubbish at it?”

“What if you try something new and it’s what you’ve always wanted to do?” Gwil asks. “Just promise me you’ll look. We— are there people you can talk to, that help you find out what you might like to do?” he asks.

Ben nods. “A career counsellor.”

“You and I can both go to one of those,” Gwil says. “How’s that sound?”

“You don’t just want to be retired forever?” Ben asks.

Gwil smiles and shakes his head. “There is a bit of an appeal to it,” he says, “but I think I’ll run out of things to do pretty quickly.” He chuckles. “The only thing in my calendar is…well, going to New York in the spring, I guess.”

Ben laughs at that. “What about being a professor again?” he asks. “Don’t you miss it?”

Gwil shrugs, reaching out to scratch Augie’s head. “I do, I suppose. I mean, I certainly loved it, but…what could I teach? History?” He scoffs.

“You could teach whatever you want,” Ben says. “Rami said you’re brilliant at it.”

“I was brilliant at it a century ago,” Gwil says. “Now, I’m…there’s so much I don’t know anymore. I don’t know.” He smiles faintly. “If you think about what you’re going to do, I’ll think about what I want to do. I promise.”

“Alright,” Ben says. He hands Augie back to him, then climbs off Gwil’s lap, grabbing his laptop again. “After I finish this, we can go get breakfast?” he asks. “Then go to the office together, is that alright?”

“Lovely,” Gwil says. “Do you want a coffee?” he asks, pushing himself up, taking Augie with him.

Ben nods. “Yes, please.” 

“Oh, sorry,” Gwil says. “I was talking to the cat.”

Ben scoffs, and opens his laptop again and starts typing, tugging his blanket back up around his shoulders. Gwil watches him for a couple moments, smiling, then heads into the kitchen.

\+ + + + +

They get breakfast together, well, more like brunch/almost lunch by the time Ben’s done working on whatever it is he’s working on, looking at showtimes for the cinema on Christmas day. Gwil obviously doesn’t recognize a single one of them, so he’s happy to let Ben choose whatever he likes, also suggesting that they can just wait until the day of and see what they’re in the mood for.

They walk to the IIS building, and Gwil stays close behind Ben as they walk upstairs, first to his office, and then up another flight to another office, someone Gwil doesn’t recognize. Ben ducks in just to chat for a few minutes, about whatever the project is, and Gwil awkwardly hovers in the hallway. He keeps his head down, really hoping that Hartstone isn’t there. He’s not sure he could take it, honestly. She’d probably beg him to come back and the idea of saying no without Ben's support worries him.

Ben comes back out, smiling. “Alright?” he asks, seeing Gwil staring down at his boots. Gwil nods. “Good. I told them, I’m not coming back until the fourth. They’ll have to drag me in kicking and screaming.”

“Good,” Gwil says, leaning in to give Ben a quick kiss, not really thinking about where they are.

Ben jerks back a bit in surprise, and Gwil quickly apologizes, but then Ben just looks around, and leans in, kissing him back. “Come on,” he says, taking Gwil’s hand. “Where to?” he asks.

Gwil shrugs. “Can we just walk around?” he asks. “Want to stretch my legs, get some fresh air.”

“Sure,” Ben says, nodding. “I was thinking, maybe we should see a play or something, while I have the time off.”

“I’d like that,” Gwil says. “We can check the all the theatre schedules later when we get home.”

Ben smiles up at him, and Gwil belatedly realizes what he’s said. _Home_. He swears, he’s planning on finding his own flat. It’s just easier, he thinks, to picture living with Ben. It's been years since he's lived alone, not counting Cologne. Which he doesn't. He just thinks of that as a mistake.

“Alright,” Ben says, and they head back downstairs together. It’s a bit chilly when they step outside, but the sun is shining, surprisingly, the sky blue. It’s not that bad of a day for December. They just start walking. “Where’s somewhere you’ve always wanted to go?” Ben asks.

“In London?” Gwil asks.

Ben shrugs. “In anywhere. You’ve got all the time in the world now, you know.”

“I don’t know,” Gwil says. “Germany’s off the list. Well, Cologne, anyway. Don’t really need to go back there.” Ben laughs. “Hmm, Paris?” he says.

Ben nods. “Are you— erm, was the Eiffel Tower there? When you were…alive?”

Gwil looks at Ben, and then snorts with laughter. “Well, first of all, I am still alive, Ben.”

“You know what I mean,” Ben says.

“Secondly,” Gwil continues, smiling, “yes, I am younger than the Eiffel Tower.”

“Okay, okay,” Ben says. “I’m sorry. I can’t keep track of everything that was built before or after 1939.” He thinks for a moment. “Statue of Liberty?”

“Yes,” Gwil nods.

“The Hollywood sign,” Ben says. 

“Yep,” Gwil nods.

“Oh, really?” Ben asks. “Okay. Um…now I _know_ you don’t know what the Berlin Wall is,” he says. 

“I’m guessing it’s a wall in Berlin,” Gwil says.

Ben rolls his eyes. “Cheeky bastard.” He continues thinking, and then slowly a smile grows on his face as the river comes into sight. “The London Eye,” he says.

Gwil looks up at it across the river, nodding. “I have heard of it, yes.”

“And?” Ben asks. 

“And what?” Gwil says.

Ben squeezes Gwil’s hand. “Come on, you know you want to.”

“Ride it, you mean?” Gwil asks. Ben nods eagerly. “Oh…why not, I suppose. Nothing else to do today. Do _you_ want to?” he asks. 

Ben shrugs. “I want to see _you_ ride it,” he says. “Come on.” They walk across the bridge and down the steps, heading inside the small building. It’s not as crowded as Ben has seen it before, and the line to buy express tickets is much shorter, as always, so Ben decides they’ll splurge a bit and go for that. There’s a small theatre in the back, with a short video to watch before getting on the Eye, and Ben tugs him towards it. Gwil may act like he doesn’t want to go, but he’d follow Ben just about anywhere at this point.

They head back outside, and Ben leads them to the line-up for express ticket holders, and he shivers a bit.

“Come here,” Gwil says, wrapping his arms around Ben, rubbing his back, trying to warm him up.

“Oh god,” Ben mutters, “we’re one of _those_ couples,” he says, and Gwil laughs.

“Well, I never could be before,” Gwil says. “Is that alright?”

Ben tilts his head back, looking up at him, and he nods. “Yeah, of course,” he says. “This is nice.” He snuggles against Gwil’s chest, looking up at the Eye, waiting for their turn. 

They get on, heading towards the back of the capsule, and Ben grins over at Gwil. “Excited?” he asks.

“Thrilled,” Gwil says, and Ben laughs.

“We only have to do it this once,” Ben assures him. “Just to get it out of your system.”

“I think it’s in your system, not mine,” Gwil says. “Besides, I’m sure once Rami and Joe find out we went on it without them, they’ll ask to go again with us.”

The capsule fills around them, and then slowly but surely, the wheel starts to rotate.

Gwil leans against the railing, looking out at the city. As they go higher and higher, his gaze slowly moves from building to building, catching on landmarks he recognizes, seeing how the city’s changed in other places. London’s never been home for him; it was a place he lived, but he’s never really felt that attached to it. He still isn’t, but from up here, it certainly is beautiful. He smiles, then looks to his left, watching Ben, who’s looking out the glass. He studies his hair; it’s mostly pushed back, but a lock has fallen down on his forehead. Gwil looks down, the sunlight catching off Ben’s eyes, making their green look even brighter. Over his nose, to his lips, bright pink and slightly pursed as Ben looks out. Gwil’s eyes catch on Ben’s jaw, and he frowns just a bit. “You have a scar,” he says softly, reaching out. He just barely traces over it with his fingertip, and Ben turns to look at him. “I never noticed before. Where’s it from?” he asks. He swallows hard, because as soon as he says it he hopes the answer’s not Paul. God, it _can’t_ be, Gwil thinks.

“Rugby,” Ben says, reaching up to carefully touch it. “Got tackled. Don’t really remember it hurting, just sat up and my mate said I was bleeding everywhere.”

Gwil makes a soft sound, smiling faintly. “I dislocated my thumb playing with my brothers when I was twelve,” he says.

“Dangerous game,” Ben murmurs, nodding. He swallows hard, looking down for a moment, and Gwil sees his fingers start to nervously dance over the railing. “Do you think it makes me look ugly?” he asks.

Gwil frowns. “What, that little scar?” he asks. If he finds out that Paul ever called Ben _ugly_ he’s seriously going to hunt that arsehole down, no matter what Ben says. Joe will probably join him, he imagines.

Ben nods. “Yes,” he says, and he quickly glances at Gwil.

“No, of course not,” Gwil rushes to assure him. “You’re…” He trails off, swallowing hard. He can’t say what Ben is, but he knows it.

“Beautiful?” Ben asks.

Gwil draws a sharp breath. Ben’s staring out the glass again, but Gwil catches his eyes in the reflection before Ben looks down again. “I thought you didn’t want to be called that,” he says quietly.

Ben shrugs. “I didn’t,” he replies. “Not after Paul. But…I’ve been thinking.” He swallows and turns to Gwil, looking up at him. “I might not mind it anymore. If _you_ say it. It shouldn’t be a bad thing, not really.”

Gwil smiles, and he reaches out, cupping Ben’s face in his hand, running his thumb over the scar. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” he says, and he resists the urge to lean down and kiss him.

Ben blushes red and laughs softly, looking away, embarrassed. “You probably think that makes me a…narcissistic prat, or something.”

Gwil shakes his head. “Not even a little bit.” Ben looks back up at him. “I think you deserve to be called beautiful every day for the rest of your life.” He thumbs the scar again. “But you’re not just beautiful, you’re…” He clears his throat, looking away. “You’re wonderful. I don’t even know how to begin to describe you. You’re kind, and giving, and smart, and caring. You’re a tremendous person, Ben. You’re every good thing I can think of.” He smiles. “ _And_ you’re beautiful.”

Ben flushes red again, looking away. He’s biting down on his lip, trying not to grin. He laughs softly and then looks up at Gwil. “Gwil?”

“Yes?” Gwil asks.

Ben nervously wets his lips, then takes a breath. “I love you,” he says softly. He blinks a couple times, watching Gwil.

“Oh, Ben,” Gwil breathes. He stops resisting the urge to kiss him, leaning down, pressing his mouth gently to Ben’s. When he pulls back, Ben’s eyes are still closed, and he looks so peaceful that Gwil smiles. “I love you, too,” he says, then he kisses him again. He almost feels like he could cry with the weight of it. Everything that means. Less than a year ago, he thought there was only ever going to be Roger; he couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. And _god_ he still loves him and he’ll always miss him, but somewhere along the way, that guilt has faded. He loves Ben. And what he couldn’t bring himself to say in July, he wants to say over and over again now. 

“Do you really?” Ben asks, sounding entirely unsure, and Gwil’s heart breaks just a bit. _He_ did that. He’s part of the reason Ben can’t believe it, and Gwil tells himself he’s going to make it his job to fix it.

Gwil smiles, nodding. “I really do,” he says. “For months now, I just— I couldn’t say it. But I love you. If that’s alright?”

Ben laughs and nods. “It is,” he says. He sighs, looking away, out at the city, before he leans towards Gwil. “I think I’d like to go home after this,” he quietly.

“Sure,” Gwil says, nodding. “Whatever you’d like.”

“No,” Ben says softly, and he presses his chest to Gwil’s, leaning up to whisper in his ear. “I think I’d like you to take me to bed,” he says, breath warm on Gwil’s ear, and when he pulls back, Gwil would swear his eyes are sparkling. “If that’s alright?” he asks, teasingly.

Gwil stares at Ben dumbly for a moment, before nodding jerkily, “uh, uh, yes, yes. Of course.”

Ben laughs and turns back, looking out at the city. He reaches up, carefully drumming his fingers on the glass. Gwil reaches up and takes Ben’s hand in his, squeezing his fingers gently.

\+ + + + +

Ben swallows hard as he takes off his jacket, hanging it up by the door. He feels heat spread up from his chest to his face, all over really. He can’t stop thinking about the last time— the _first_ time they slept together. It was nothing like this. There was no anticipation. Until the moment Gwil kissed him, he’d been convinced he was about to walk out the door, that that was it, they were just going to be friends and nothing would ever happen. But now, Ben’s stomach has had time to twist into knots. His hands tremble a bit. He looks over at Gwil, who’s hanging up his jacket as well. “Should— we should then,” he says, glancing at his bedroom.

Gwil smiles and reaches out to take Ben’s hand. “Only if you’d like. I’m fine with still waiting, Ben, as long as you’d like. Forever, really.”

Ben thinks for a moment, and then shakes his head. “No, I, I really want to.”

Gwil’s smile turns into a grin. “Good, me too.”

Ben leans up and kisses Gwil, pulling him down by the back of his neck. He moans softly against his mouth, and he jerks just a bit when Gwil’s hands find their way up under the hem of Ben’s jumper.

“Alright?” Gwil asks, pulling back.

Ben looks down, nodding. “Your fingers are cold,” he says softly.

“Sorry,” Gwil says, dropping his hands from Ben’s stomach, but Ben just reaches out to take them, bringing them up to look at them. Gwil watches as Ben smiles faintly, then presses light kisses to Gwil’s fingertips. “All better?” Gwil asks, and Ben looks up, nodding.

They both take off their shoes and then Ben leads the way into his bedroom. He closes the door behind them to keep Augie out, Joe's words echoing in his mind, and then he reaches up, tugging at the neck of his jumper until it’s over his head. He’s got a t-shirt on underneath, but he leaves that for now as he starts on his jeans.

Gwil just watches him for a few moments, until he pulls off his own jumper, and pushes down his trousers, stepping out of them. He reaches down to tug off his socks and pushes it all to the side with his foot. 

Ben takes off his socks as well, leaving them on the floor with his jeans. He swallows hard, looking down, playing with the hem of his t-shirt.

“You can keep it on,” Gwil offers, “if you’d like. I don’t know if…it’s too much, or what, but I don’t mind.”

Ben smiles at him gratefully, then shakes his head. “No, it’s not, it’s, just me, in my head.” He lets out a shaky breath and then finally tugs his shirt off, dropping that to the floor as well. He nervously runs the palm of his hand over his stomach, and his fingers clench. “We did this all out of order, didn’t we?” he asks softly.

Gwil smiles and nods. “We did.” He takes a couple steps towards Ben, crowding him just a bit against the door. He rests his hands on Ben’s waist, feeling him jerk away from him a bit. “It’s alright,” Gwil murmurs softly, and he leans down to kiss Ben.

Ben sighs softly, relaxing into Gwil’s touch, practically melting against him. It’s like Gwil’s all around him, the warmth from his hands on his waist, the scratch of his chest hair against him, the smell of his shampoo, the press of his mouth against his. Ben almost feels like he could die happy right now. He pulls back for just a moment to catch his breath, swallowing hard, then leans in again, kissing Gwil a bit harder.

Gwil smiles against his mouth, tongue licking at him, and he presses Ben further back against the door, just before he slides one hand down, over Ben’s hip, fingertips trailing over his stomach until Gwil’s palming Ben through his boxer-briefs.

Ben gasps against Gwil’s mouth and his hands shoot up to clutch at him. They stand there, Ben pressed up against the door and Gwil pressed up against him, his hand working Ben to hardness. Ben’s arms are wrapped around Gwil’s shoulders, holding him close as they kiss. Ben whimpers every so often, and then when Gwil’s fingers carefully move up to the waistband of Ben’s underwear, just about to dip under, he jerks back, head thumping against the door.

“Jesus, Ben,” Gwil says, reaching up to cup his head. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Ben says softly. “I— I don’t know why, but there’s something I need to tell you,” he says, pressing his hand to Gwil’s chest.

Gwil steps back a bit, looking down at him. “Are you alright?” he asks again.

Ben nods. “Yes, I’m fine, I just—” He swallows hard and then clears his throat. “Last— last time. We. Slept together.” Gwil looks at him, patiently waiting for him to continue. “That was only…you’re only the second person I’ve been with.” He sighs softly, looking down. “There was Paul, and there was you.” He swallows again, and then nervously looks back up. “That must be so strange, I’m sorry. So, no, you asked if it was my first time and it _wasn’t_ , but it had been my first time in…” He trails off, thinking. “Five years?” he says softly.

“God, Ben,” Gwil breathes, and Ben looks away, feeling himself blush red and his stomach twists, feeling ashamed. “No, please don’t be embarrassed,” Gwil says quickly, cupping Ben’s face in his hand, trying to get him to look at him. “That’s not what I meant,” he says, “I just meant, oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m not sorry I’m only the second person you’ve been with, that I don’t care about, I just mean. I shouldn’t have treated you like that no matter what, but I _really_ shouldn’t have treated you like that.” Gwil frowns, looking down at him. “God, you were probably so nervous.”

Ben nods. “I’m still not— Paul, he was, when we were together, it wasn’t…he liked me to act a certain way. Be a certain way. God, I don’t know why I’m telling you this,” he mutters, squeezing his eyes shut, leaning his forehead against Gwil’s shoulder.

“Hey, it’s alright,” Gwil says softly, pulling Ben towards him, running his hands over Ben’s back, trying to comfort him. “I like that we’re being honest. Considering we didn’t talk at all last time, I think talking now is a good thing.” he says. “I like that you can trust me like that.”

“Really?” Ben asks, lifting his head back up.

Gwil nods. “Are you trying to say you didn’t like the way we did it last time?” he asks. “Or…that you did? Sorry, I—”

“It felt good,” Ben says quickly, “god, it felt amazing, but this time can it just be a little…slower?” he asks. He sighs, looking down, carefully dragging his fingers through Gwil’s chest hair, biting down on his lip.

“I can do that,” Gwil says softly, carefully nipping at Ben’s ear before dropping his mouth to Ben’s neck, pressing one kiss after another. “Slow is alright,” he murmurs. “Anything you want.”

“I want you on top,” Ben says, reaching up to push his fingers through Gwil’s hair, holding him close to him. “Like—”

“After, when we kissed,” Gwil says, and Ben smiles, nodding. “Me too.”

“Alright,” Ben says. “Good.” He tugs Gwil back in and kisses him again. Again and again, he thinks it must be for minutes on end. Gwil’s hands are roaming all over his body as they go, and the way they drag over Ben’s thighs, Ben imagines himself just jumping up into Gwil’s arms and letting him hold him against the door. He’d never really thought about it before, but he thinks he quite likes the fact that Gwil’s so much bigger than he is. He shivers just a bit, and reaches down with one hand and interlocks his fingers with Gwil’s, and Gwil smiles against him as he licks into Ben’s mouth and Ben’s fingers tighten and he moans softly. It’s _never_ been like this before. Paul didn’t really like kissing Ben. But, Ben thinks, _fuck Paul_ , and tries to finally push all thoughts of him out of his mind, at least during this, and lets Gwil kiss him for awhile longer. Until they’re both hard and aching and they’re brushing against each other every time they kiss, feeling each other hard through their underwear. Ben, at least, knows that there’s a wet spot forming on the front of his. He smiles and reaches between them, feeling that there’s a similar sticky spot on the front of Gwil’s.

Gwil groans and pulls back a bit, looking down at Ben’s hand between them.

“Are you ready?” Ben asks, and Gwil looks at him.

“Whenever you are,” Gwil says, and he kisses him again.

Ben sighs into the kiss, relaxing against Gwil, for a few more moments until he pulls back. “I am too,” he says, and then he gives him another quick kiss. And then another and another, as they slowly make their way over to his bed. He steps away, pushes at his blankets, and then climbs onto his bed, settling on his back and reaching out to Gwil.

Gwil smiles and takes his underwear off, stepping out of them, then carefully climbing onto the mattress. He swallows hard as he settles above Ben, Ben’s legs easily spreading around him. He leans down, kissing him, and their hips start gently rocking against each other. Gwil shifts his weight a bit and then drags his hands down Ben’s ribs, fingertips gently playing over his stomach, before they hook under the waistband of his boxer-briefs. He pulls back from the kiss, laughing a bit when Ben leans up, trying to follow him with his mouth. “Now is this okay?” he asks.

Ben looks down between them and then nods jerkily. “It is, yeah,” he says softly.

“Okay, good,” Gwil says, leaning in to kiss Ben again, then starting to tug his underwear down. Ben shifts on the mattress beneath him, lifting up his hips to help Gwil along. Gwil smiles and presses his mouth to Ben’s chest, then shifts further down, kissing his stomach, and then his hip. Gwil keeps moving down, starting to take Ben’s underwear along with him, and each new bit of skin that’s revealed, Gwil kisses. His thigh, his knee, his shin. He looks up at Ben, who’s propped himself up on his elbows, watching him. Ben smiles, biting his lip, and then he kicks his underwear off the rest of the way, and Gwil drops them to the floor. 

Gwil slowly moves back up over Ben’s body, mouth taking the same path as before, but staying a bit longer on Ben’s stomach. He looks up at Ben, who’s not smiling as much anymore. “I don’t know why it makes you uncomfortable,” he says softly, running his hand over Ben, “but I wish it didn’t.”

Ben just nods. “I know, me too,” he says. He sighs, blinking a couple times. “But…maybe it will get better. With time.”

Gwil smiles and finally moves the rest of the way up, kissing Ben again. “I’ll make sure it does,” he says, settling back between Ben’s legs. “Ben?” he asks.

“Hmm?”

“Do you have a condom?” Gwil asks.

Ben flushes a bit and then nods, gesturing towards his bedside table. “In there,” he says, voice small.

“Alright,” Gwil says, reaching out. He tugs open the drawer and reaches in, sort of blindly feeling around until he grabs the lube and feels a small box. He takes that out and opens it, pulling out a condom, setting it down on the bed and hiding the box away again. “What, did Joe leave these behind?” he jokes, shifting his weight a bit, opening the lube.

Ben shakes his head. “No, I bought them,” he says, swallowing hard. “For you.” He blushes a bit.

Gwil smiles. “For us,” he says softly as he spreads the lube on his fingers. He reaches down, hooking his arm under Ben’s leg, hitching it up a bit, reaching down between them. “I hurt you last time,” he says softly, just remembering.

“It was alright,” Ben says. “I…not badly. Just a bit sore.”

Gwil looks a bit sad for a moment. “I won’t do it again,” he promises, giving Ben a kiss as he slowly presses one finger inside him. 

Ben makes a soft noise, and he tries to shift on the bed, hips wiggling just a bit, spreading his legs further. He reaches up, taking Gwil’s head between his hands, pulling him back down, guiding him into a kiss. Ben thinks he’s been kissed more today than he has been in his whole life, _god_ he loves Gwil’s mouth. He imagines it on other places on his body, and groans softly at the idea. He licks into Gwil’s mouth, tongue finding his, and Ben clutches at Gwil, letting him fold him a bit further in half, his legs hitched up even further on Gwil’s waist, spreading him open. They keep kissing as best they can as Gwil slips his finger out, and then fumbles blindly with the lube, spreading a bit more on his hand and onto Ben as he pushes back in with two digits. He carefully thrusts his fingers in and out as Ben starts to work his hips down against his hand, moving like Gwil’s already fucking him.

Ben gasps softly, clutching at Gwil’s back. He starts to moan and then he cuts it off, biting down on his lip, pressing his head back against the pillow.

Gwil pushes himself up a bit, looking down at Ben, watching him move against the bed with Gwil’s thrusts. “Feels good?” he asks.

Ben just nods eagerly. “Uh-huh,” he groans, twisting a bit on the mattress when Gwil starts moving his fingers just a bit quicker, pressing a bit harder.

“God, you’re amazing,” Gwil breathes, fingering him as he presses his mouth to Ben’s neck, just below his ear. “I think I like knowing I’m only the second person to see you like this,” he whispers.

Ben whimpers a bit. “It— god, never like this,” he mutters, squeezing his eyes shut. “You’re the only one like this.”

Gwil smiles, and he shifts a bit to kiss Ben, keeps kissing him as he grabs the lube again and then after a few more moments, pushes back in with a third finger.

Ben grunts softly, biting down on his lip but his teeth just drag against it. He can’t take a deep breath, the way he’s bent underneath Gwil preventing it, so he just takes short little breaths, sharp pants against Gwil’s mouth, pressing his mouth up to his neck or his jawline when he can. He’s pretty sure he’s never been this hard in his life, and there are smears of precum all over his stomach, but Gwil shows no sign of stopping with his fingers, clearly taking Ben’s request to go a bit slower to heart. His teeth are really digging into his lip now, and then he realizes he hasn’t taken a breath in awhile, so he gasps as much as he can, clutching at Gwil. “Gwil,” he breathes.

Gwil pushes himself up a bit so that he’s just kneeling on the mattress, letting Ben’s legs fall down a bit, and Ben finally takes a deep breath. “Do you think you’re ready?” Gwil asks, and Ben nods. “You’re sure?”

“Yes, please,” Ben says, his toes curling into his bedsheets.

“Alright,” Gwil says, leaning down to kiss Ben again, picking up the condom. 

Ben swallows hard, watching Gwil tear open the packet, and he actually licks his lips as he watches Gwil roll the condom down his cock. 

Gwil grins, chuckling softly, and Ben looks up at him, a bit embarrassed. “You looked a bit hungry there,” Gwil says, and Ben blushes even more. Gwil grabs the lube, getting a bit more on his fingers, stroking himself quickly and then spreading more over Ben, pushing his fingers back in just a couple of times before he hitches Ben’s legs up again, taking his cock in hand. “Tell me if it’s too much,” he says softly, and Ben nods.

Ben swallows hard as Gwil starts the press inside him, but he takes a deep breath, trying to will himself to relax, feeling himself slowly start to open around him. Gwil pauses for a moment, taking a couple deep breaths, and then pushes in further, and Ben groans loudly before he can stop himself. “Oh god,” Ben says, “Christ, Gwil.”

“Good?” Gwil asks, voice sounding a bit strained.

Ben nods eagerly, and he slides his hands down Gwil’s back to his hips, fingers digging in, trying to pull Gwil in closer. After a few more moments, Gwil slowly finishes pushing in, all of him inside, and Ben lets out a deep breath, gasping. “God, Gwil,” he whines when Gwil starts gently rocking back and forth. “Oh, fuck,” Ben says, and he lifts his head off the pillow, pressing it Gwil’s chest, holding onto him for dear life with every rock of Gwil’s hips. Ben still hasn’t touched himself yet, he knows that as soon as he does he’s going to come, god he’s _never_ felt like this before; he has no idea how many people Gwil’s shagged or where he got so good at it but _fuck_ why were they waiting again, when he could have felt like this for the last month?

Gwil thrusts in, over and over, watching Ben’s reactions beneath him. It’s so much more than it was last time, now that he knows they’re in love, now that he doesn’t have the guilt weighing down on him, but there’s something missing as well. Gwil pushes himself up a bit, looking down at Ben, watching him move against the bed with Gwil’s thrusts. He reaches out, swiping his thumb against Ben’s bottom lip, then leans in to quickly kiss him. “What happened to all your pretty noises?” he murmurs. “I liked those.” He braces himself a bit and starts thrusting quicker, harder, until the sounds are wrenched from Ben’s throat.

“Gwil,” Ben gasps, and his voice breaks as he whines loudly. “Gwil, I— unhhhh, I— please.” He’d been so embarrassed after they slept together, thinking about how loud he had been. Paul had hated it, but Ben couldn’t control it sometimes. Lucky for him that Gwil seems to like it so much.

“Please what?” Gwil asks, thrusting further inside Ben.

Ben can’t answer, he just tosses his head back and forth on the pillow, clutching at Gwil, holding onto him for dear life. He desperately wants to reach down between them and take himself in hand, but he doesn’t want to come yet. He wants to see just how good it can get before he does. He just whimpers and whines, trying not to think of how foolish he must sound, until he loses all track of time. “Yes, yes,” Ben pants, “oh, god, Gwil, yes, right there, oh, I— uh-huh.” The more he says, the longer Gwil fucks him, encouraging his noises, the bolder, more comfortable Ben feels. “I love you, Gwil,” he mutters, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Gwil says quickly, leaning down to start sucking a red mark on Ben’s collarbone, and Ben doesn’t even mind it, he _hated_ when Paul used to do it, but with Gwil it’s alright. _He’s_ alright. They’re going to be fine.

“Kiss me, please,” Ben pants, and Gwil happily lifts his head up to press his mouth back to Ben’s, moving his hips slowly, but ensuring that each thrust is hard, hitting exactly where Ben needs it to hit. “Yes,” he grunts, “yes, oh, fuck, Gwil, unh.” He’s breathing heavily, and Ben thinks he’s so out of his mind, he’d go anywhere and do anything that Gwil asked right now as long as he promised to keep fucking him. “Oh _god_ ,” Ben says, voice breaking a bit. “Right there, right— oh god, plea— yes, oh yes, mmm, I— I— oh god, Gwil.”

“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Gwil says, and his tongue is back in Ben’s mouth, Ben whimpering around it.

“Say it,” Ben says. “God, yes, please, tell me— say it?”

“You’re beautiful?” Gwil asks, and Ben nods eagerly. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” Gwil murmurs against Ben’s mouth, nipping at his lip, and Ben laughs a bit, wondering if he’s delirious or not. “Gonna be so beautiful when you come on my cock.”

“Yes,” Ben nods. “Yes, I— want that.”

“You want me to touch you?” Gwil asks.

“Please,” Ben says, because now that Gwil’s asked he can’t think of anything else, he’s desperate for it, “please, god, your hand, I need your hand, I—” His voice breaks off into a loud whine when Gwil shifts his weight above him and reaches down, squeezing Ben’s cock in-between them. “Fuck!” he cries. “Fuck, fuck me, fuck, Gwil, oh my god, yes, I’m gonna come. I think I’m gonna come.”

“Come on then,” Gwil says, stroking Ben quickly. “Come on, I wanna see it, I wanna see your face when you come.” He licks his lips and then leans down to kiss Ben’s neck. “I wanna hear it,” he says, panting in Ben’s ear, “I wanna hear it so that every time I touch myself from now on all I can think about is the sound of you begging me for it.”

“Fuck, fuck,” Ben cries out, and he clutches at Gwil. “Fuck me, harder, Gwil, I’m— right there, I th— yes, yes, oh god,” he whimpers, and then Gwil’s hand speeds up and Gwil thrusts just a bit harder and then, “yes, oh fuck,” Ben cries. He throws his head back against the pillow, mouth wide open, and he makes a sound like he’s never heard himself make in his life, one that Paul would’ve mocked him for but that Gwil will probably praise him for and he comes all over Gwil’s hand, shooting onto his stomach, making himself even wetter, and _fuck_ his entire body is shaking underneath Gwil’s. He’s worried that his fingernails have broken Gwil’s skin, and god, is he _crying_ , he thinks, squeezing his eyes shut. His thighs tremble and he keeps on coming and then when it’s done, he feels Gwil’s hands move to his hips, holding onto him as he fucks into him, and Ben can’t stop the noises now even if he did want to, he’s a mess, and he groans loudly when Gwil does, knowing by the way he grips at Ben that he’s coming inside him. 

Gwil keeps thrusting for a few moments, panting heavily, until everything slows down around them, and the only sounds are their heavy breathing, and both of them can hear their blood pounding in their ears. Gwil gives a few more weak thrusts, then stills above him. His hair has fallen forward over his forehead, sweaty and messy, as he tries to catch his breath. He gives one last grunt and a thrust that makes Ben whimper, and then finally he reaches down, carefully pulling out of Ben, and then drops down to the mattress beside him. 

Ben looks over at him, chest still rising and falling quickly. “I— _never_ been fucked like that before,” is the first thing that Ben thinks, so he says it out loud. He immediately whimpers and flushes with embarrassment, he feels like a bloody idiot and he thinks that’s a terrible thing to say, but the way that Gwil smiles over at him, he thinks that no, maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe he doesn’t always have to be embarrassed.

“Anything to help,” Gwil murmurs. "I love you,” he says, leaning over to kiss him.

“I love you, too,” Ben says, amazed how easily they can both say it now.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say it last time,” Gwil says, kissing him again. “Out loud, anyway.”

Ben smiles. “We weren’t ready,” he says. “We— it’s alright now. We’re ready now.”

Gwil nods, and this time, when he pushes himself up to go to the bathroom, Ben’s not worried. This won’t be like last time, he thinks. Gwil’s going to stay.

\+ + + + +

Ben slowly wakes up, blinking a few times, groaning softly as he stretches under the blankets. He rolls over onto his other side, smiling when he curls against Gwil’s chest.

“Hello,” Gwil says softly, settling his arm around Ben’s shoulders, pulling him in.

Ben presses a kiss to Gwil’s chest and then pushes himself up a bit, trying to see Gwil’s phone screen. “Are you reading?” he asks.

Gwil nods. “Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you,” he says, scrolling down. “And I didn’t want to…get up, and not be here when you got up. Is that alright?”

“Mm-hmm,” Ben nods tiredly, closing his eyes and settling back down against him. “What is it?” he asks.

“Just an article on the BBC,” Gwil says. “About Charles Darwin’s potato plant.” Ben frowns a little. “He found it on an island off of Chile in 1835. The Royal Horticultural Society still has it, they put it on display. I’d quite like to see that. The National Centre for Horticultural Science. Would you go with me?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “Of course, if you’d like.”

Gwil smiles and reaches over, setting his phone down on the Ben’s bedside table, then shifts under the blankets, turning to face him. “You don’t think that’s interesting?” he asks.

“Hmm?” Ben murmurs, opening his eyes again. “I…a two hundred year old potato plant?” he asks. “I…don’t know. I suppose?” 

Gwil grins. “I thought you were interested in plants,” he says, reaching out to run his fingers over Ben’s arm.

“Me?” Ben asks. “Uh, not, not particularly, no. But I’ll certainly go with you, if you’d like.”

“I thought you studied it,” Gwil says. “Didn’t you stay up all night trying to teach yourself the history of botany?” He chuckles softly, and then Ben lifts his head up a bit, starting to frown.

“What are you…” Ben trails off, and then he groans softly. “Did Joe tell you?” he asks. Gwil laughs loudly, and Ben pushes him away. “Joe fucking told you that I— ugh, that rotter. I— yes, alright, I _did_ , but—”

Gwil laughs again. “But what?” he asks. “I think you were in love with me from the start.”

“No, don’t start with me, Gwil,” Ben says, lifting his finger to point at him. “I was trying to be _nice_ , I had no idea what you liked or what— I was— oh my god, Gwil, I read _so_ much, I couldn’t even tell you what I read.” He looks at Gwil and then starts to laugh as well. “Fine, yes. Ugh. I tried to teach myself botany. For _you_. And look where it got me.”

Gwil smiles, reaching out to push his fingers through Ben’s hair. “I think you made out alright,” he says softly, leaning in to give him a quick kiss. “In the end.”

Ben sighs, snuggling into his pillow. “If you say so,” he says. “This isn’t too bad.”

“Not at all,” Gwil murmurs. He runs his fingers down Ben’s arm, dragging over the black ink of his lion tattoo. “If I asked, would you tell me?” he asks, looking up to meet Ben’s eyes.

Ben shrugs. “If you wanted to know, I’d tell you anything,” he says.

“You said you were young and foolish,” Gwil says, recalling their day at the beach in Wales. “What’s the truth?” he asks.

Ben smiles. “What, you don’t believe that I was young and foolish?” he asks.

“Young, maybe,” Gwil says. “Foolish? Never.”

Ben sighs, and turns his head to the side so that he can look at his tattoo. “What if you think it’s dumb?” he asks.

“I won’t,” Gwil says. “Unless you tell me it was a dare from Joe, in which case, I might.” He chuckles, low and soft. “I don’t know what you two got up to before I met you.” He thinks for a moment. “God, is it like, Scotland’s football team?” he asks. “Because that might be dumb.”

Ben laughs at that, shaking his head. “No, nothing like that,” he says. “I’m not religious, you know,” he says.

“I know,” Gwil says, “I remember you telling me. Neither am I.”

“But have you read the Bible?” Ben asks.

Gwil smiles. “Front to back? No. But my mam was quite religious, I’m sure I’m familiar with whatever story you want to talk about. We went to church every Sunday.”

Ben sighs. “I got it after— Paul,” he says, swallowing hard. “After we first broke up, I— I felt like complete shit, honestly. I…wanted to die, sometimes,” he says, voice rough, looking away from Gwil. “But then it started to get a bit better. It didn’t hurt as much, and I realized maybe I’d— be alright. It wasn’t going to kill me. I’d be okay, I’d get out alive.”

Gwil smiles, running his hand over Ben’s arm again. “Like Daniel in the lions’ den.”

Ben groans, rolling onto his back, throwing his arm over his eyes. “It’s stupid, isn’t it?” he asks.

Gwil shakes his head, shifting on the bed, moving until he’s over Ben. “I don’t think it’s stupid at all,” he says softly, and he leans down, pressing a kiss to the ink. “The people who conspired against him, they got thrown to the lions instead,” he says. “Wishful thinking?” he asks.

Ben laughs softly, moving his arm away from his eyes. “I told you, he’s in the Thames,” he says softly.

“Is he?” Gwil asks, settling back onto the mattress.

Ben shrugs. “He may as well be, for all I care. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. For all the things I did after we broke up, obsessively checking up on him wasn’t one of them, trust me.”

“Good,” Gwil says. “I hope you never see him again.”

Ben smiles, and then shifts his weight, quickly sitting up before throwing a leg over Gwil, settling down on his hips. “What would you do if we did?” he asks, leaning down a bit.

“Oh, is the one where you get all hot and bothered imagining me beating up your ex?” Gwil asks, smiling, letting his hands settle on Ben’s thighs.

Ben shrugs. “Might be,” he says, smiling.

Gwil laughs softly, and reaches up, drawing Ben in for a kiss. “I’d do whatever you wanted me to,” he says, pulling back. “If you wanted me to ignore him, I would. If you wanted me to kill him, I would. I hate that someone hurt you like that, Ben. I hate that _I_ hur—”

“No, shh,” Ben says, putting his finger to Gwil’s mouth. “No. It’s not— it’s not the same. You’re not the same. Don’t.” He swallows hard, and sits back, looking down at Gwil, taking a deep breath as he lets his fingers play over Gwil’s chest and stomach. “I kind of want to say let’s never talk about him again, but that’s not healthy, is it?” he asks.

Gwil shakes his head. “No, it’s not.”

Ben sighs. “Let’s just not talk about him like this, alright?” he says. “Let’s…just stop for now, okay?”

“Okay,” Gwil agrees. He reaches up again, pushing his fingers through Ben’s hair a bit, then slides his hand down Ben’s back, pressing at him.

Ben gets the hint and shifts again, bracing himself against the mattress as he lays back down, resting on Gwil, snuggling against him.

Gwil wraps an arm around Ben’s shoulders, drawing him close. “I love you,” he says after a few moments, smiling when Ben looks up at him.

“I love you, too,” Ben says happily.

“Good,” Gwil says, and Ben chuckles softly, resting his head back down on Gwil’s chest. “Good,” he says again, absentmindedly running his fingers over Ben’s shoulder. “I’ve never been happier,” he says softly, and Ben just murmurs in agreement, letting his eyes close.

\+ + + + +

They don’t even manage to sleep in until their alarm, of _course_ not. The sound of children squealing happily and running around above them wakes Rami and Joe with a start, early on Christmas morning.

“I hate children,” Joe mutters, trying to bury his face under his pillow.

“You love children,” Rami says, leaning over to tug the pillow away from his face so that he can give him a kiss.

“No,” Joe says, “new plague. Everyone under eighteen, they’re out.”

“Oh, stop it,” Rami says. He sits up, yawning and stretching his arms above his head, then shakes it out a bit. He looks back towards the window above the bed, and then he smiles, standing up on the mattress, a bit wobbly as he looks outside. “It’s snowing,” he says, leaning against the windowsill, watching with a smile on his face.

“Don’t hurt yourself up there,” Joe says, rolling onto his back.

Rami grins and steps one foot over Joe, then sits down, settling on his hips.

“Oh-ho, Christmas sex,” Joe says, resting his hands on Rami’s thighs, pushing his fingertips just up under the hem of his boxers. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“We’re not having sex,” Rami says, and he leans down to kiss Joe.

“Oh really?” Joe asks. “This is usually how sex starts. I know you haven’t been doing it for _too_ long, but I guess I have a few more things to teach you.” He leans up, kissing Rami again.

“Joe, it’s Christmas morning,” Rami says. “It’s time to get up.”

“I really don’t want to though,” Joe says. “So, therein lies my dilemma.”

Rami laughs and shifts to move off Joe’s lap, but he’s stopped by Joe’s hands on his waist. “ _Joe_ ,” he says, laughing again.

“One more kiss,” Joe says, and Rami sighs, leaning down to kiss him again. “One more?”

“Joe, now,” Rami says, pushing himself up, climbing off the bed. He reaches down, grabbing his pyjama pants, pulling them on. He grabs his hoodie as well, then reaches down, tossing a t-shirt at Joe. “I’m going to pee and then you better be up!” he calls, walking out of the bedroom.

Joe whines and groans and kicks his feet a few times, but he finally manages to get up, getting dressed. He’s waiting outside the bathroom door when Rami steps out, and he smiles, giving him just _one more_ kiss as Rami walks by. Rami waits for him to come out, still too nervous around Joe’s family to go upstairs without him, and then they go up together, hand-in-hand.

“Joe, Joe, Joe!” one of the children screams as another yells, “Rami, Rami, Rami!”

“See?” Joe says, looking over at him, smiling. “Part of the family.” He squeezes Rami’s hand.

Rami smiles back, and lets Joe lead him to an empty spot on the living room floor, away from the children and most of the presents, where they can just curl up together and mostly watch. One of the children shriek loudly and Rami winces a bit but Joe just laughs, and pulls him closer.

The children open the small gifts in their stockings first, helped by their parents, and then Ginnie brings out stockings for Mary, John, and Joe that have their names embroidered on them, obviously having had them since they were young.

“Whatever’s in here,” Joe says to Rami, “we split. Deal?”

Rami laughs and shrugs. “If you say so,” he says.

“I mean, unless it’s something _really_ good,” Joe says. “Oooh, a Gameboy made of chocolate!” he exclaims, unwrapping a small box.

Rami shifts on the floor. “What’s a Gameboy?” he asks softly, looking away from the children.

Joe smiles. “A handheld video game,” he says, showing it to Rami. “Kind of old, now. Ooh, peppermint bark, yummy.”

“Are all the gifts chocolate?” Rami asks.

“Nope!” Joe says. “This is, oh, socks, yes, classic Mom Christmas present. Ooh, a baseball bat beer opener!” Joe unwraps another present. “Oh, a funny card game. And…more socks. Great. You can have a pair, babe.”

“Thank you,” Rami says.

“Cherish them always,” Joe says, and Rami laughs. He leans in and gives Rami a quick kiss, hearing the cries of “gross!” from one of the kids. “I don’t think you’re gross, babe,” he says, kissing him again.

Rami smiles and leans against Joe. He watches as the presents are distributed; most of them are for the children, of course, but Mary, John, and Joe each end up with a small pile in front of them, and then Leah walks over to them, a box in her hands.

“What’s that, princess?” Joe asks, looking at her. “Is that for me?”

Leah shakes her head and holds it out to Rami. “It’s for Rami,” she says.

Joe turns to Rami, grinning, and Rami looks at her, a bit surprised, then carefully reaches out to take it from her. “Oh, thank you,” he says. “Is this from you?”

“It’s from my daddy and Aunt Mary,” Leah says, sitting down to watch him open it.

“Oh, well, tell them thank you for me,” Rami says, looking over at John and Mary, who both smile back. He unwraps it, eyes running over the words on the page, and then gasps a bit. “Oh, I…well, I don’t—” He smiles over at them again. “This is lovely.”

“Joe gave us all the names,” Mary says.

“It’s beautiful,” Rami says, running his hand over it. A framed print of a family tree, designed to look like an actual tree, _Malek_ written at the top, a different name written on each leaf or blossom, years underneath. “I…don’t know what to say,” he says. “Thank you very much.”

“You’re welcome,” John says.

“And this!” Leah says, holding out a smaller box, a card attached to it, that John just pushed over to her.

“What’s this?” Rami asks. 

“This is from me,” Leah says.

“Oh, wow, another present, for me?” Rami asks. He opens the envelope attached, smiling when he sees Leah’s name written messily inside. “This is very special, thank you. I’ll keep this forever.” He starts carefully unwrapping the paper, looking at her. “Do you know what this is?” he asks. She nods. “Is it a surprise?” he asks. She nods again. “Oh, alright, I’ll open it and see then.” It’s a small box, and he opens it, smiling. “Wow, look at that.”

“I wanna see,” Joe says, leaning over. “Oh, a necklace. Did you pick that out, Leah?”

“Me and Nanny did,” Leah says, pointing at Ginnie.

“It’s very pretty,” Rami says, gently lifting the necklace out of the box. It’s silver, a rocket pendant at the bottom of a chain. “Thank you very much.”

“It opens!” Leah says. She pushes herself up and then sits down on Rami’s lap, reaching out for the rocket.

“Be careful, Leah,” John says.

“It opens?” Rami asks. “Well, what’s inside?” He finds the seam and then carefully cracks it open. There’s a small rolled up piece of paper inside, and Rami glances at Joe, who just shrugs. “Will you hold the necklace for me, Leah?” Rami asks, handing her the locket as he takes out the piece of paper. 

“Okay,” Leah says, and it’s immediately around her neck.

“Oh, Leah, that’s Rami’s,” Joe says, but Rami just looks over at him.

“It’s alright for now,” he says, slowly unrolling the piece of paper. It’s tiny, but the words on it are printed so neatly he has no problem reading it. _Welcome home, Rami. Joseph would have loved you. Love, Ginnie_. There’s a lump in his throat immediately, and he makes a soft sound as his eyes fill with tears.

“You okay?” Joe asks, and Rami nods.

“Yes, perfect,” Rami says, wiping at his face. He clears his throat and looks over at Ginnie. “Thank you,” he says, and Ginnie just smiles and nods. “And thank _you_ , Leah,” he says, wrapping an arm around her. “Do you want to help Uncle Joe unwrap his presents now too?” he asks.

“No, thank you,” Leah shrugs, and she climbs off his lap.

“Ah, ah,” Joe says, reaching out to take her hand. “Necklace please.”

Leah pouts a little but John taps her on the shoulder and she takes it off, handing it back to Rami.

“Thank you,” Rami says, slipping the piece of paper back inside. He unclasps the necklace, reaching up to put it around his neck, and then Joe turns, taking the chain in his hands, closing it for him. Rami settles against Joe’s side, reaching up to play with the locket, smiling.

\+ + + + +

After opening presents, they all settle in for a large breakfast in front of the television to watch _A Charlie Brown Christmas_. Rami has no idea what it is, obviously, but he just stays curled up at Joe’s side, eating his food, and watching the children watch the TV, all of them enthralled. After it ends, they all stand up, and start clearing their dishes, and the wrapping paper, and making sure nobody’s gifts got mixed in with anybody else’s.

“What do we do now?” Rami asks.

Joe shrugs. “Not much, really. Dinner’s not for a few hours yet, we usually just end up playing with the kids and watching more TV. Do you wanna go for a walk or something?”

Rami nods. “Alright, sure.”

“Come on,” Joe says. They head downstairs and get changed into warmer clothing, bundling up with scarves and hats, getting their boots on. “We’ll just be outside!” Joe calls to the rest of the house.

“Have fun!” Ginnie calls from the kitchen, and Joe reaches out to take Rami’s hand.

“Come on,” Joe says. “There are all sorts of paths in the woods here. It’ll be like our walks in Perth.”

Rami grins. “Alright, that sounds lovely.”

They trudge through the backyard to the tree-line where there’s an opening, and Joe steps in first, glancing back at Rami.

“Are there…bears or anything?” Rami asks, a bit hesitantly.

“Uh, there are,” Joe says, “but not usually this time of year. They’re all hibernating. Come on. It’s okay. I promise.”

“Oh, uh, alright,” Rami says, and he follows after Joe. It’s quiet; there’s some snow on the trees, but a lot of the ground is clear. There’s not a lot of sunlight getting through either, but that’s alright. It’s nice, and calming to be away from the children, even just for a little bit.

As if reading his mind, Joe says, “so, I think all the kids like you.”

Rami smiles. “I hope so,” he says. “They’re lovely as well.”

“I mean, they can be assholes,” Joe says, and Rami laughs, “just see them when they don’t get their way, but they’re alright.”

“I’m sure they learned it all from you,” Rami says.

Joe grins at him. “Are you saying I’m a bad influence?” he asks.

“You certainly are on me,” Rami says, and Joe just laughs.

They walk further into the woods, until they can see a clearing up ahead. “You’ll like this,” Joe says. “It’s nicer in the summer, but…it’s alright now.”

The trees open around them, and there’s a small river, mostly frozen over now. Near it, a faded guide to the paths, and an old bench. “Come on,” Joe says, leading Rami over to it.

“It’s lovely,” Rami says, looking around. He smiles as Joe brushes the bench off for them with his sleeve, and then sits down. It’s cold, but it’s alright. “It’s beautiful.”

“Good,” Joe says, leaning over to kiss his cheek. He sighs a bit, looking around. “Rami?” he asks, reaching one hand into his pocket, fingers curling.

Rami smiles when he turns to him. “Yes?” he asks.

Joe smiles back, and reaches out with his other hand to take one of Rami’s, swallowing hard. “I’m really happy you came with me,” he says.

“I am too,” Rami says. “I— I really like them. And this is all so wonderful. It’s been a beautiful Christmas so far.”

“Good, I’m glad,” Joe says. He takes a nervous breath, shifting on the bench. “I’m really looking forward to dinner,” he says.

“Me too,” Rami says. “I’m sure it will be lovely; everything sounds so delicious.”

“Yeah,” Joe nods slowly, squeezing Rami’s hand again. “I…” He gently clears his throat, and looks over at him. “That’s not why I’m looking forward to it, though.”

“Oh?” Rami asks. “Do you have some sort of Christmas dinner tradition? What do I need to know?”

“Nothing,” Joe says, shaking his head. “All you need to know is…that I love you.”

Rami grins. “I know that,” he says, and he leans in to give Joe a quick kiss. “I love you, too.”

“Good,” Joe says. “That makes this a lot easier.”

“Makes what…” Rami starts, but he trails off when Joe takes his hand out of his pocket, and he sees the tiny box in it. He just stares at it for a long moment, and then looks up at Joe, who’s watching him back. “Joe?” he asks, voice shaking a bit.

“Rami,” Joe says, turning towards him. “I— you’re everything to me. You’re so kind, and smart, and caring. You’re beautiful, inside and out, the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever known, and I don’t know how I’m so lucky that I got to be the one you chose to be with, but I am.” He pauses for a moment, trying to gauge Rami’s reaction. “I know it’s a lot to ask, Rami. We haven’t known each other that long, and I’m the only guy you’ve ever been with, and— and this is a whole new world for you, and I know that I shouldn’t ask you to say yes to spending the rest of your life with me, when there’s so much out there to see and do, but I _love_ you, and I’m always going to love you, and so…I’m going to ask you to say yes.”

Rami swallows hard, looking down at Joe’s hands again, watching him open the box. He draws a sharp breath; he immediately wants to reach out and take the ring, just a simple gold band, but he holds himself back, waiting until Joe actually asks.

“Rami Malek,” Joe says, and Rami looks back up at him. “Will you marry me?” He watches Rami carefully, and if a second passed or a year, neither of them have any idea. Both of them seem to forget to breathe as well, and it’s quiet around them. Quiet until Rami opens his mouth to speak.

“Yes,” he says softly, breathing it out. He bites down on his lip to keep from grinning.

“Yes?” Joe echoes, and Rami nods. “Oh my god, you said yes,” he says, starting to laugh with glee and disbelief.

“Yes,” Rami says, laughing as he nods again eagerly, and he throws himself at Joe, clutching at him as they kiss. He pulls back and then looks down at the box, and Joe carefully takes the ring out, and slips it onto Rami’s finger.

Rami lifts his hand up, looking closely at the ring, the colour of it against his skin. He twists it once around his finger before he looks back up at Joe and kisses him again. “It’s perfect,” he says softly. “I love it.”

“Good, I was so worried,” Joe says, “I thought, well, if you wanted something flashier or—”

“It’s perfect,” Rami says again. “I wouldn’t trade it for the world.” He kisses Joe softly. “Or you.” He smiles, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “There _is_ so much to do out there,” he says. “We’re going to do it together.”

Joe smiles at him and then he breaks a little bit, starting to cry, and Rami pulls him in. “I love you,” he says, voice thick with tears, and Rami nods.

“I love you, too,” Rami says, rubbing his hands up and down Joe’s back. “I can’t wait to be your husband.”

Joe pulls back, laughing at that. He sniffles and wipes at his face. “My husband. I’m gonna— I’m gonna be _your_ husband.”

Rami nods. “You are.” He laughs as well, and they kiss. “Wait, why are you looking forward to dinner then?” he asks suddenly, confused.

“So that I can introduce you as my fiancé,” Joe says, and Rami pulls him back in.

They sit there together, Rami examining his ring, Joe watching him, still in disbelief at his luck. The love of his life loves him back. It couldn’t get much better than that. But…

“I wish my dad was here,” Joe says.

Rami looks up, and nods. “I know. So do I.” He smiles sadly. “I wish Sami was here too.”

Joe nods, and his eyes fill with tears again. “Well. We’ll just have to make sure that our kids always know who they are. Grandpa Joseph.”

Rami nods. “Their Uncle Sami.”

Joe sniffles and wipes at his eyes, then clears his throat. “Imagine if I hadn’t found you on the radio,” he says, voice rough.

Rami shakes his head. “I don’t want to.”

Joe smiles, turning to him. “Me neither.” He pulls Rami in closer to him, and kisses him again.

\+ + + + +

Gwil and Ben are sitting on the sofa, boxes of Chinese takeaway on their laps, Augie trying to awkwardly balance himself between the back of the sofa and Gwil’s shoulder, when the FaceTime call rings. Ben reaches forward, answering it on his laptop that he’s got on the table in front of them.

“Merry Christmas!” Joe yells loudly, his face taking up the whole screen.

Ben laughs, and Gwil waves at him. “Happy Christmas,” Ben says.

“Oh, and here’s Rami,” Joe says, moving back from the camera.

“Hi!” Rami says, waving. “Happy Christmas! Oh, hello Augie!”

Gwil picks the cat up and leans towards the laptop. “Say hello, Augie. Say hello to your parents.” Then in a high-pitched voice he says “Hi!” as he waves Augie’s paw at the camera. Augie meows.

Rami laughs happily. “Hi Augie! How are you both?” he asks.

“Brilliant, yeah,” Ben nods. “We’re all settled in, just having some takeaway, late lunch,” he says, lifting up his chopsticks, “watching ghost stories on the tele, babysitting.”

“Hi, Gwil,” Rami says, looking at him.

Gwil smiles, waving his own hand this time, not Augie’s. “Hi, Rami. How is your New York Christmas?” he asks, snuggling the cat up to his face.

“So far it’s been so wonderful,” Rami says. “We opened presents this morning with all of Joe’s family, and the kids were just— running around and it was a lot, but it was really lovely. I really love it here.”

“Are you coming back?” Gwil asks. “Augie will miss you if you don’t.”

Rami laughs and nods. “I am, yes. I promise. Don’t worry. I won’t leave him.”

“Alright,” Gwil says, settling a bit closer to Ben. “I trust you."

“What did Joe’s family get you guys?” Ben asks.

“Joe’s niece bought me a lovely necklace,” Rami says, holding it up to the camera. “It’s a spaceship.”

“Oh, brilliant that,” Gwil says. “That’s lovely.” He turns, rubbing his nose against the cat’s.

“And Joe got all sorts of things,” Rami says, glancing at him. “Chocolates, socks.”

“Chocolate socks,” Joe says, smiling. He leans in, kissing Rami’s cheek, and whispers something to him.

Rami smiles and pulls back a bit. “Oh, and Joe got me a present too,” he says.

“Oi, no fair!” Gwil says. “I thought we weren’t exchanging presents until you get back.”

“We’re not,” Rami says, smiling, “but it was just one little thing, I promise. We’ll still do presents when we’re home.”

Gwil and Ben glance at each other, grinning. “Well, go on then,” Ben says. “Tell us what it is.”

Rami looks over at Joe, who just nods, and Rami lifts his hand up to the camera, showing them his ring. “He asked me to marry him!” he says, and his eyes fill with tears almost immediately, even as he grins at them.

“Oh my god,” Gwil says, laughing. He raises his hands up to his mouth, looking at the screen in shock. “You’re— you’re engaged!”

Rami nods eagerly, and Joe leans in, kissing his cheek again. “He said yes!” Joe says. “I wasn’t sure he would, but I made a pretty great speech.”

“Oh my god,” Ben says, shaking his head slowly. “I— I— I’m so fucking happy for you two.”

“Oh, really?” Rami asks. “You are?”

“Oh my god, of course we are,” Ben says. “I— I can’t think of a couple more suited to being together forever than you two. God, I’m _so_ happy. I— Rami, both of you, you look happier than I’ve ever seen you. Oh my god, I wish I was there to give you a hug.”

“You’re—” Gwil sniffles, “you’re going to get married,” he says, his eyes starting to tear up as well. “Are you up the duff?” he jokes.

“Gwil!” Rami exclaims, laughing loudly. “Stop it. _No_. God.”

“I’m just teasing,” Gwil says. “I— oh my god, Rami, I’m so happy.” He starts to cry a bit, still smiling at the camera. “This is wonderful news, I— god, I wish—”

“Me too,” Rami says. “Me too. But, it’s alright! You’ll be there, and— well, Nelly, and anyone! I don’t know who to invite, my side’s going to be pretty small I think, but— oh Gwil, will you be my best man?”

“I better be!” Gwil says, laughing. “Who else?” He looks at the cat. “I suppose you could’ve asked him. God, yes, of course. I— I’ll be there with bells on. I— god, when is it? Next week?”

Rami laughs, shaking his head, reaching up to wipe at his cheeks. “No, no, not as soon as all that,” he says. “I want to do my MSc first, so, awhile yet. I just— I’m engaged. To be married!” He puts his head in his hands, shoulders shaking a bit as he softly cries.

“Oh god, Rami,” Gwil says. “It’s alright.”

Rami lifts his head, nodding. “I know, I know. They’re, they’re all happy tears, trust me. I just. I never dreamed, you know?” He looks over at Joe, who’s just watching him with a smile on his face. “I can’t believe it.”

“Fuck,” Ben says, wiping at his face. “Well, we can’t all be crying, this is good news! We’re a proper mess, aren’t we?” he says.

“Ben?” Joe asks. “You want in on this best man thing?” he asks.

“God,” Ben rolls his eyes, “ _that’s_ how you’re going to ask me?” he says. “Yes, of course, I— of course. Are you sure? What about John?”

Joe shrugs. “He can be one of my groomsmen. Well, probably my only groomsman. Rami and I can share him. I don’t know. But you’ll do it?”

Ben nods eagerly. “Of course, I— of course I will. Thank you. I— god, you two, you’re— getting married. I— Joe, I…I’m so happy for you both, I can’t even begin to tell you. I love you both.”

“Thank you,” Rami says.

“This is brilliant,” Gwil says. “I— congratulations, obviously. To you in particular, Joe.”

Joe laughs at that. “I know, trust me, I am dating so far up, I don’t even know, I can’t believe it.”

“Oh, stop it,” Rami says. “I don’t like when you say that.”

“We’ll have to celebrate when you get back,” Gwil says. “Ben’s birthday can be an engagement party as well. Oh god, the two of you, I— really. I really mean it, congratulations.”

“Hey, Gwil,” Joe says, “how do you say that in German?”

“Sorry, we have to go,” Gwil says, and Joe laughs loudly. “I, have you told your family yet?” Gwil asks.

Joe shakes his head. “Not yet. We’re outside right now. About to go in and tell them now.”

“They’re going to be so happy, Joe,” Ben says. “I just know it. I— this is such good news, I’m so happy.” His voice breaks off a bit, and he reaches up to wipe at his eyes.

“Ben,” Joe says, and Ben looks back at the camera. “So, I put a ring on it,” he says. “Did you…put your ring on it?” he asks, winking. “Or _in_ it?”

“Oh my god, Joe,” Ben says, looking at Gwil, “can we not have a private conversation about this later? I’m not sure this is appropriate for right now, your engagement announcement?”

“Who cares about privacy?” Joe asks. “We all know each other’s business. No secrets, right? Total honesty. You promised.”

“That doesn’t apply to this, Joe,” Ben says.

Gwil frowns, thinking for a moment. He glances over at Ben, and then shifts on the sofa. “Joe, if you’re asking if we've shagged…” he says, trailing off.

“Yes?” Joe asks eagerly, leaning in.

Gwil grins. “Yes.”

“Gwil!” Ben exclaims, turning to him.

“Haha, _yes_!” Joe says, pumping his fist in the air. “Oh my god, yes! You finally did it! I was finally right!”

“Joe, you cannot be that excited about this,” Ben says.

“Oh man, Ben, I’m gonna be excited about this until the day I die,” Joe says.

“So, my birthday then,” Ben says. “Because when you come home I’m going to kill you.”

"Gwil, thank you for your honesty,” Joe says, ignoring Ben’s comment. “It will be reflected in your Christmas presents. Ben? See? That’s what friendship looks like. Gwil is my _friend_!”

“ _I’m_ your friend, that doesn’t mean we need to have a FaceTime about my sex life!” Ben says. “God, not while I’m sat here crying my eyes out anyway, christ.” He sniffles and wipes at his eyes.

“Don’t worry,” Gwil says softly, “you look beautiful.” He smiles at Ben and gives him a quick kiss.

“Oh my god,” Joe whispers, looking at the two of them, the way Ben’s face lit up when Gwil called him beautiful, instead of flinching away like he used to. “You…wow. I…” He smiles at them.

Ben wipes his face again and then smiles at Joe. “Don’t,” he says.

“I’m not saying a word!” Joe says. “I— nope, not me. Not ole Joe.”

Gwil smiles, settling his arm around Ben’s shoulders. “Well, I’d love to chat all day with you, but I feel like we’re keeping you from Joe’s family.”

“No!” Rami says. “Please. What did you two do? What are you doing? How’s Augie? Is he okay?”

“Nothing as interesting as all that,” Ben says. “Oh my god, you two are engaged! We, what? Got up, made breakfast, erm, watched TV, ordered food, still watching TV. And _yes_ , Rami, your son is fine. He loves it here, honestly.”

“What film are you seeing tonight?” Rami asks.

“What is it?” Gwil asks softly, looking at Ben. “ _The Parasites_?"

“Yeah, it’s an adaptation of a book,” Ben says, “by Daphne du Maurier. _Rebecca_ , you know.”

“Hey, Gwil,” Joe says, “we never did watch your childhood autobiography together.” Gwil frowns a bit. “ _How Green Was My Valley_.”

Gwil chuckles at that. Then he swallows hard, remembering the day he bought the book. “Oh, uh, no, we didn’t. I suppose we’ll have to fit that in when you get back. If you’d like.”

“I’d _love_ ,” Joe says dramatically, and Rami smiles and rolls his eyes. 

“I wish we were all together,” Rami says. “I’d love for you two to be here right now.”

“Me too,” Ben says. “But that’s alright. Next year, yeah? And you’ll be back soon enough! Don’t wish your holiday away, Rami. You’re going to remember today for the rest of your life.”

Rami smiles brightly, looking over at Joe. “Yes, I suppose I am.” He kisses Joe’s cheek and Joe grins.

“Now _please_ go inside,” Ben says.

“Yes!” Gwil says. “Go tell everyone the good news! Please. Have a wonderful day, don’t worry about us.”

“You guys are good?” Joe asks.

Ben and Gwil both nod. “We’re great,” Ben says.

“Okay,” Joe says. “Have an amazing day, Merry Christmas again!”

“Merry Christmas,” Gwil says. “Congratulations to you both, again.”

“Yes,” Ben says. “And tell us what your mum says! I can’t wait.”

“Okay,” Joe says, as Rami says, “love you both! bye!”

“Bye!” Ben and Gwil both wave, and Joe ends the call. Ben and Gwil sit there for a moment, then they look at each other, grinning.

“They’re engaged,” Gwil says, and he tugs at Ben, pulling him closer.

“They are,” Ben says, setting his lunch down on the table, then takes Gwil’s from him as well. He shifts his legs over Gwil’s lap, snuggling against him. “Oi, Augie, out of the way,” he says, setting him down on the cushion beside him.

“Are you surprised?” Gwil asks.

Ben shakes his head. “Not even a little bit.”

“No, me either,” Gwil says. He sighs a bit, starting to play with Ben’s hair. “I just— it’s all come so far, you know. It must be hard for you to understand, but, two men, together, where I’m from, it— god, it’s…” He sniffles a bit, shaking his head.

Ben looks up at Gwil, then reaches out, taking his hand. He looks down at Gwil’s pinky ring, gently touching it. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I wish it had been different for you. I really do.” He kisses the ring, and settles back down, still holding Gwil’s hand. “I think he gave you this ring for the same reason Joe gave Rami his. He wanted to be your husband, Gwil. I'm sorry that he wasn’t. That he couldn’t be.”

Gwil smiles faintly, still playing with Ben’s hair as he thinks. “No point in dwelling on the past, right?” he says, voice thick, trying not to cry. “Can’t change it, can’t go back.”

Ben looks up at him again, pulling back. “That doesn’t mean we have to forget it,” he says. He lifts his hand up, cupping Gwil’s cheek. “I don’t want you to ever forget Roger. Not a single thing about him.”

Gwil blinks quickly, clearly trying to fight back tears. “Alright,” he says, nodding jerkily. He and Ben just look at each for a few moments, before Gwil smiles, shaking his head. “Come on, it’s Christmas. Let’s stop being so bloody depressing, yeah? Though, I have to say,” he says, looking around. “It’s not very Christmasy around here. No tree, no mistletoe, no Christmas carols!”

Ben groans and rolls his eyes, smiling. “Well, I’m sorry,” he says. “Maybe next year. If Rami and Joe are here we can decorate their entire flat with it all. Joe goes wild for it, he’ll have the biggest tree in England in his living room.” Gwil chuckles softly. “But you can turn on Christmas carols, if you’d like,” Ben says. “I don’t mind. Liven the place up a bit.” He rolls off Gwil's lap onto the sofa.

Gwil chuckles again, then pushes himself up, going to the kitchen table where his laptop is. He sits down and opens it, quickly logging in. 

Ben smiles, resting back against the sofa. He picks up Augie again, petting him softly. He can’t believe it, really. His best mates are engaged. He’s here, spending Christmas with his boyfriend. And it’s alright. Everything’s been so lovely. He turns, about to tell Gwil just how much he really has enjoyed the day so far, when Gwil finds a song, piano starting to play. Ben thinks for a moment, knowing that it sounds familiar, but he can’t quite place it. It’s certainly not a Christmas carol, though, he knows that. A man starts singing, and it only takes a few words before Ben recognizes it. “Gwil?” he asks.

Gwil looks over, smiling at him. “Sorry, I— was just looking at the music you gave me. That night you came to my room, with my laptop. Do you remember?” he asks.

Ben nods. “I do,” he says. “I also remember that I made you cry that night.”

Gwil nods, grinning. “You did,” he says. 

“I…was quite harsh on you,” Ben says. “I felt terribly guilty.”

Gwil shakes his head. “I needed it. A kick in the arse. Besides, you didn’t mean to hurt me, you were just trying to help. I’d still be in crew quarters there, if it weren’t for you. Or worse.”

Ben smiles. “You’d’ve made out alright,” he says. 

Gwil just looks over at him. “I’m…honestly not sure I would’ve,” he says.

Ben looks down at that, listening to the music fill the flat. It really is a pretty enough song, Ben has to admit. The lyrics are sweet, full of love. Ben sighs a bit, shifting on the sofa. He brings his thumb up to his mouth, thinking about how he’d sang it for Gwil, sitting on the floor by his door. He’d felt like a bloody idiot then. Then he remembers singing softly in that pub in Wales, and he smiles a bit. Ben had danced with Joe, and Gwil had danced with Rami, but Ben had been so scared to ask Gwil to dance. He’d desperately wanted to, imagined it. But he thought that Gwil would say no, and Ben didn’t know if he could take it. But now, maybe…

Ben smiles, and pushes himself up, setting Augie down and walking over to Gwil. He thinks he might be blushing a bit, but really, he knows there’s no reason to, so he offers Gwil his hand.

“What’s this?” Gwil asks, looking up at him.

“This song,” Ben says. “Would you dance with me?” he asks, hand trembling just a bit.

Gwil watches him for a moment, and then slowly smiles. “Yes, of course,” he says, taking Ben’s hand in his, standing up. “It’d be my pleasure.”

Ben smiles as Gwil leads them away from the kitchen table, back to where there’s more space in the living room, and he can feel his face start to warm up when Gwil presses his hand to Ben’s back, pulling him in. Ben places his hand on Gwil’s shoulder, rests his face against his chest, and tries to relax, letting Gwil lead him.

“ _Oh, you’re lovely with your smile so warm_ ,” Gwil sings softly, “ _and your cheeks so soft…_ ” He trails off, humming, squeezing Ben’s hand in his as they slowly move over the floor.

Ben closes his eyes, letting the warmth from Gwil radiate through him. Gwil’s jumper’s a bit scratchy under his cheek, and he worries that his palm is maybe a bit too sweaty, but he’s not sure he’s ever felt this at peace. He loves Gwil, and Gwil loves him. And things weren’t perfect but they’d made it through the bad stuff, come out on the other side. His two best mates were in New York together and in love, celebrating one of the happiest days of their life. He was going to be at their wedding, and they were going to have children and a life together, and what started out as one of the worst things Ben could ever imagine, a nightmare really, twenty people coming home one hundred years too late…it was awful, but maybe it would still be alright. He sniffles, briefly letting go of Gwil’s shoulder to wipe at his face.

“Hey, hey,” Gwil says, looking down at him. “What’s wrong?”

Ben just sniffles again, smiling. “Nothing,” he says, resting his cheek against Gwil’s chest again, closing his eyes. “ _‘Cause I love you_ ,” he sings, his voice a bit rough. “ _And the way you look tonight_.”

“ _Darling_ ,” Gwil sings with him, pressing his lips to Ben’s temple.

“ _Just the way you look tonight_ ,” Ben finishes, and he sighs, relaxing against him.

“Alright?” Gwil whispers, and Ben smiles, a burst of happiness blooming in his chest.

“Yeah, never better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, fuck. It's over. I started writing this in February, back when I originally thought it would be maybe 10 chapters, Rami and Joe were barely in it, and there was a totally different ending. It turned into something much bigger and honestly better than I ever thought that it would, and so if you're reading this, let me just say: very much, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 
> 
> I hope very much that you liked all of their happy endings; I know I did. It was odd to cry happy tears while writing this, instead of my usual sad, angsty tears. I know they haven't been together that long, but I couldn't end this without Rami and Joe being engaged. They're everything to me, and after all of the shit that I put Rami through (my bad), I needed him to have the best things in life. I hope you like that Ben finally asked Gwil to dance. That Gwil finally told him he loves him, and called him beautiful. I told you, this chapter was soft!
> 
> So, it is over, but it's not _over_ over. I don't know how many there will be, or what they'll be like, but there will be other stories in this universe. From drabbles to longer pieces. I will be writing Rami and Joe's wedding, I know that much for sure (and I'm currently writing a short piece between chapters 38 and 39). Knowing that I won't be updating this twice a week anymore, that's hard for me to think about. I'm really quite sad and almost crying as I post this! But I did make some great friends out of this story, and I am finally checking 'write a book' off my bucketlist.
> 
> Before you go, please enjoy this [happy moodboard](https://laminy.tumblr.com/post/186245862860/bit-of-a-preview-just-to-get-everyone-excited-for) I made to celebrate chapter 39, and this [Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5cZYXwIr9sZfPX0DXhjgLb?si=dtv69fHSTim5YJFWVjwbMg) @queensradio made to celebrate the whole story.
> 
> Please come find me on tumblr, if you'd like. And have a Merry Christmas in July. Happy Live Aid Day 🧡🧡

**Author's Note:**

> bless Brian May and his funky little country song about time dilation.


End file.
